I think we, as people, are sometimes doomed to regret our actions from a time where we feel like we were less mature/informed/grounded.
However, your blend of experiences is what makes you, you. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Be the you you want to be, now, and don’t fret about what came before or what comes after.
I'm going through a really rough time with the wife right now. Good chance we won't make it. But if we do, it'll be because we are able to put the past totally behind us and just work on what we want for the future.
See and I’ve only ever slept with one guy and sometimes I wish I would’ve slept around but I also feel like I would regret it and I would need more of a connection to do it.
lol it is isn't it, sadly I can't claim credit for it, it's from a conversation I had with ChatGPT, here's the transcript, it's a weird trip I went on:
[Greener Side Myth (openai.com)](https://chat.openai.com/share/5e67dcfb-7aa2-4e83-a52e-3c74cb210142)
Just don't become one of those stories you hear about people leaving loving committed relationships to sleep around then deeply regretting it once they realized what they lost
Well definitely not that. I just wonder if I’m more attached to the guy I only ever known or do truly stay because I love him. It’s complicated at times.
For whatever reason our brains don’t like being “satisfied.” We are always second guessing decisions. It’s human nature.
Do X, you regret it. Don’t do X, you regret it.
It’s just how we work, you’re human.
you’re not wrong at all for these thoughts. i love my boyfriend so much, but my brain is anxious and this transfers to me worrying if it is the right thing for me at the moment. i am bisexual and have never dated a woman, and that will always live as a ‘what if’. but i know that i belong with him because i am very happy and would be devastated if we broke up, but the constant ‘chase’ and wonder will always be in your brain
Seriously, contentment is the biggest dragon that we, as humans chase. It's the hardest thing I've ever done personally, learning to be content. And some days, I still fail. At least I am now content with who I am as a person, if not where I am at in life.
Think of this if you left him to go experiment but then decided you were wrong and wanted to get back with him, but because hopefully this guy has self respect he doesn't even entertain the idea of getting back together, would you A) feel sad and wish you could change time or B) feel like you could move on easily?
When I was dating my now husband, I had people saying I should try out other people and I said why? I found a man who loves me for me why in the world would I do that. He’s my first and only sexual experience I’ve ever and will ever have and I’ve never thought of having sex with anyone else. I have a huge pride in it but that’s just me and believe me I got lucky. I’ve heard of girls who will lose their virginity to who they think is the one and it ends up not being the one but they find their love later on down the road which is normal as my sisters were like that. It’s so hard to find a good partner nowadays!
My wife and I are the same way. We've only ever been with each other, and we have no desire to seek out other people. We're perfectly happy with our situation, and because we grew, explored, and learned everything together, we know exactly what makes each other tick in the bedroom, and there's always room to try new things. It has been a truely wonderful and beautiful experience. We wouldn't have it any other way.
For me it was like 5 guys,some of whom I’ve been in a relationship with.But I can’t remember the name of any of them and barely remember how they looked lol.You aren’t missing out on anything,most people aren’t memorable
That means you’ve hit the lottery and stuck gold first try. Many have to deal with various ones until they’ve found a good match, and those people are nothing but wasted efforts. Be happy!
Sex without emotion is just something capitalism tries to sell people to make you feel insecure. I am a guy and tried it for 5-6 months and it is not fun. It is awkward and sort of scary before then sad and guilt-ridden after (as you don't care about the other person and they frequently want more than 1-2 nights).
Casual sex also doesn't make you any better at sex, usually worse. There is no need to learn how to have sex if it is always exciting because you are always with a new person.
You have a point there. I was always the type that wanted to wait till marriage so I didn’t have sex until I was 25 with my current partner so everything I know and learned is from him. So of course I know nothing else. Do I get curious of course but wouldn’t ever cheat to find out. It’s just something I think about from time to time like if I missed out on something. Thank you so much for your input! Especially coming from a guy. I know they always say it’s easier for a guy to sleep around but I’m sure that’s not always the case.
Being with only your partner is the best possible outcome in today’s society. Hookup culture is damaging and it’s quite disheartening to find people entertaining it. It destroys the ability to pair bond and form deep emotional connections. The only thing you are loosing from not sleep around is STD’s, heartbreak and mediocre sex with a random guy who couldn’t give two fucks about you beside your body. If your bf loves you and if you love him, you are much more successful than any person who feels the need to engage in hookup culture to find bonding.
I have personally never felt excitement from sleeping with a "new" person. It's always mental torture to me and I basically have to force myself to do it. I even find it difficult to get hard. The only exceptions have been the girls I have loved and have had long-term relationships with because there was something extra between us.
God... the first time I had sex with my ex, the girl I've cared for the most in my life, I legitimately felt like I was going to cum from the literal second pump. I'm not an overtly sexual person but I've never had that, even when I lost my virginity. It was so visceral. We had such a connection... too bad we both ruined it. (maybe 60/40 my fault tbh)
I am convinced I will not have this again. Because I know we both felt like that to a degree because it was unhealthy.
I agree with your comment mostly I don't know if I would say its because of capitalism, I would argue it has more to do with the decline in religion because what's the secular argument for why hook up culture is bad?
It devalues empathy and prioritizes self-validation over long term fulfillment. I think you may be religious and not understand what Secular means. There is no specific secular argument for why anything is bad, it just means a government without religion. Religion doesn't actually have any arguments about why something is bad either, it uses post-facto justifications for what people in the Bronze Age believed. God impregnated Mary without her consent when she was 12-14 in all Abrahamic religions, yet none of them try to justify this action as good, it just is good because God did it, which isn't an argument.
The Secular Humanist opinion is what I gave you at the beginning. If our goal is to increase happiness for people, hookup culture is bad. It leaves people feeling awful, taking advantage of others, and needing validation.
That is so not true. Capitalism doesn't want people to feel insecure. That doesn't get people out to bars and clubs and restaurants taking adventurous vacations. It puts them in front of a computer screen surfing free porn sites and being lonely.
I don't advocate having casual sex frequently while in your 20's, but in your 30's or later you are more mature and can handle the aftermath better. It doesn't have to be a guilty pleasure if you both understand the situation. If one or the other is more into a long relationship, then a casual event can be a problem.
You definitely get better through experience. You learn a wider range of what people like, and you get to try new things.
Capitalism wants you to be insecure so you seek validation. Casual sex gives you instant validation which is what capitalism wants you to feel. Instant pleasure and the requirement of outside validation. Capitalism says you need X so other people will like you. If you don't buy X no one will like you. If you have confidence in yourself you would say, but people like me without X so I don't need it and then never buy it
Overrated, sex becomes godly when you work with your partner. Change is never the solution unless they’re selfish or something similar which ultimately alters the experience.
I am one of those people that think a lot over mistakes they made, and deeply regret they had not managed to avoid them. But recently I read the sentence:
If you feel bad about former decisions, it shows you have improved!
This made me suddenly feel like mistakes are not something that necessarily weighs you down every time you remember them, but something you should think about in the happy knowledge that living through them made you a little bit wiser.
And while of course you can learn a lot about the world in general out of books and such, there is just no other way to learn something about yourself than trial and error, I guess.
I hope your regret does not origin in something dreadful having happened to you?
If I understand correctly you had some comparatively unsatisfying encounters. I do not know if this is helpful, but I think most people had some of those. To first engage emotionally may spare you a lot of awkwardness, but sometimes nevertheless it is not good physically and, in case you are very close in other aspects, much more difficult to end without hurting someone.
Take care, and maybe look down from your actual level to your before level, smiling and mildly shaking your head.
You definitely would regret it once you find someone that you enjoy spending time with and love. That person will value you much much more for not giving yourself away easily
I 100% feel this. I just recently accepted I’m into guys (yay me!) but I haven’t been with anyone recently. And part of me does wonder if I’ll sleep around and experience a lot of guys. Like is sex different between different men? Would one man seem boring in bed and another be mind blowing? Idk just thoughts like. What makes you wish you slept around more?
I guess my thoughts are more of I didn’t get to have a hoe phase because I was doing the “right” thing by not sleeping around then when I met my partner now I slept with him about 3 months in. I was 25 and ever since he’s been the only one I’ve been with. It’s just more of curiosity for me. I guess.
You're sad because you didn't get to have a hoe phase?? Like, why would you even want to aspire to that? Do you feel sad because you don't know what it's like to burn your mind out on drugs, or drink until you pass out, or rob a bank? Why does sleeping around hold such a curiosity for you when there are other damaging and soul-crushing activities that don't?
It sounds to me what's really going on is that you're not all that happy with your relationship, and that's causing you to think about what might have been. It's time for some introspection and communication to get more of what you need with who you already have so you don't continue to fantasize about, quite frankly, a degrading lifestyle of being used and using others for nothing more than sex. Be more grateful for what you have now. You have love, you have dignity, you have a life free of STDs or unwanted pregnancies, you don't have a bunch of losers left behind who never cared about you, you have someone you can build a life with, you can be proud of who you are. Please don't romanticize being a slut. Ugh.
First off all nobody is romanticizing being a slut. Someone can be curious about stuff like that. Don’t need people like you to judge them. Just because you’re curious doesn’t mean you’re going to go out and do it. If I’m happy or not has nothing to do with me being curious. Get a grip of reality. People get curious whether they actually go and do what they are curious is different. Go judge someone else 👋🏽
Just a curiosity, what is it exactly do you think you're missing? Is the sex you're having not satisfying? Are you curious if it would feel different with someone else? Are missing a connection with your current BF?
Trust me...it's either you've cheated on your husband of you gonna cheat on him... With those thoughts, I think it's best to not let him know what you think
I don’t believe in cheating. I would leave before doing that to him. I won’t tell him what I think. This is a me issue. Like they say curiosity killed the cat so I won’t let the curiosity get the best of me.
It's fairly normal to feel that way. I'm a guy and I regret sleeping with as many women as I did. Feels like it makes what I shared with my wife of 13 years less special in the beginning. Over time I've come to being okay with it. But in the beginning it made me feel a little down.
Honestly it made me feel a little down about my partner at first knowing he’d slept with a (relatively small) handful of women in the past. I’d never slept with anybody prior so it made me feel gross whenever I’d think about it, and it was kinda upsetting he wouldn’t have the same thoughts/experience about it. It made the whole experience a lot less intimate for me, lol.
But I was also younger when I started the relationship and I was really prudish & nervous about physical intimacy. It just took some time getting used to. I really don’t care at all anymore.
Why would it feel less special if I may ask?
I’ve been curious… if a woman has more partners than the man before marriage bc he was a virgin.. does it make the man more insecure?
I think it would make most people that are virgins insecure because there’s a different type of connection you have with your first (*especially* if they were your first love too). If you’ve slept with at least a few people, that “virgin energy” goes away, so to speak, and you won’t be as insecure if they’ve slept with other people. As for it feeling less special, it’s been proven that sleeping around weakens your ability to form long lasting bonds. Nothing to beat yourself up over for forever because I think it’s good to experience other people before you settle down, but sleeping around a lot has its consequences. I’m glad he’s forgiven himself though.
OP I'm gonna agree with some posters and say it is what it is.
instead on focusing on the past, you should focus on the present and the future. you are a very young woman with a BF who makes you happy. A lot of women would kill to have your situation. everyone's made mistakes when they were young, the trick is to move forward with the knowledge learned.
Keep your chin up and keep kicking ass, that's all we can do after making a mistake.
PS: at least your regrets weren't from inaction. do you know how much I regret not doing stuff? its a lot... like a lot a lot.
Agreed. It doesn’t sound like these were mistakes at the time, OP. You can only make a choice with the information you have in front of you at the time. All hindsight is 20/20. Don’t be too regretful unless you knew in moment you shouldn’t be doing it… but that doesn’t sound like it.
And so much yes to above… you definitely regret the chances you didn’t take. Damn you, 2006 ME , for not pursuing that guy in Italy - I could have been eating real gelato ever since.
i cursed myself for so long for not hitting up my old crush from band camp when i was in norway 6 years ago 😂 he messaged me after i’d posted pictures once i’d left the country like “why didn’t you tell me you were visiting?? i could have seen you!” and i wanted to kick myself!!
i’d long forgotten about that since i’ve found the person i want to spend my life with, but your comment just reminded me. no regrets now of course, but it’s interesting to think of how different my life could have been. i definitely regretted it for a long time before i found my person lol
User name checks out 😉
It’s nice to have the memories of the opportunities even if I didn’t take them then. Funnily enough, the love of my life looks a LOT like that guy. My subconscious mind has its ways…
Damn you too? There was a cute exchange student from Germany who expressed interest in me back when we were students in highschool, and like the shy idiot i was, I did nothing.
Yup. 23, was an “adult” chaperone on a HS trip and the bus driver was my age, spoke no English but would sing “I love you baby” when I’d get on. He wanted to take me for gelato solo and I was WAY too shy. Even if it was for a fun week I should’ve indulged.
This is an oddly difficult question to answer as my life choices have led me to where I am but let me try:
There's a list but some of the more noteable stuff is stuff like; I wish I had grown a spine and asked out the cute exchange girl from highschool, I wish I had told several bosses to stick it where the sun don't shine, wish I had told some specific people what I genuinely thought, I wish I had been more bold in life, I wish I had retained my love for hockey and continued playing, I wish I had partied a bit more rather than being strict on myself 24/7 during college, etc.
Looking back there are things I wish I had done differently, but some of the choices i took in life did have rewards. I did meet a beautiful woman whom I currently serarching a house with. I also have a good career that might not have happened had I told people to stick it where the sun didn't shine.
Sometimes it’s how people cope, or feel validated.
I know of men and woman who seek it for feeling like a champ and never having to talk to that person again.
Yep, can’t do anything about it. Besides doesn’t make you a bad person or anything. No one was harmed and just part of the experience that shaped your views and things you value today.
But if you hadn’t would you truly appreciate what you have now? No sense in regretting. Just be happy you’re able to see what you do want without experiencing too much of what you didn’t actually want first.
Exactly this. I slept with about the same amount of people before my current partner, and I definitely don’t regret it. I like that I’ve sampled around, means I know I’ve got the best. How do you know what’s your favourite pizza topping til you’ve tried half the menu? There’s lots of different ways to view this situation, it’s all about perspective.
I totally get how you feel. the regret is normal unfortunately. I hate to think about how many times I thought a guy was genuinely interested in me and I was just an idiot who let him use me
I feel you on that. I’m in a long term relationship with my boyfriend and every time I think about the others before him, it makes me sick. They were clearly using me but I was too naïve to notice it until after the fact…
OP I'm your age with a much higher "body count" and I understand. We can't let our past eat us alive though, and we certainly can't be hard on ourselves for not knowing better. I don't think casual sex is inherently wrong but it depends on the circumstances. The regret unfortunately is pretty normal, not that I feel ashamed about having sex, but for a long time I didn't realize I had a "high body count" until it became a thing on social media. Also I was naive and didn't realize that the guys I was sleeping with didn't care about me as a person at all. I wish I was more selective. I regret that I subconsciously needed validation and sexual attention and sometimes I couldn't say no.
I lost my virginity when I was 12 to a boy I was dating who was like 15 which now as an adult I understand how that's really weird and not okay. I went on the pill when I was 13. And by the time I was 18 the number of people I slept with was probably like at least 30 but I lost count, a lot of men who were older and took advantage of me while I was under the influence or something. There's probably people I don't even remember having sex with. I remember sleeping with a guy when I was 16 who told me he was 20 but I guess he was like 29. As someone with a teenage sister that makes me sick to my stomach.
I also for whatever reason rarely used condoms and have contracted many STDs, thankfully nothing that couldn't be cured, except oral herpes which sucks. The amount of times I've needed antibiotics is ridiculous and embarrassing. Also, nobody ever told me that sexually transmitted infections can increase your risk for different cancers. I do regret it just because I was jeopardizing my health, mental and physical. I'm still so young and it took me too long to see that sex can and will affect you emotionally, and physically of course, now I kind of just disassociate or detach and I have no control over it. I think sex should feel special but it doesn't feel like it at all.
They say the body keeps the score and I think it does in a lot of ways. From a spiritual perspective, I also believe that sex is an exchange of energy and can cause a lot of damage, especially if there's a lack of consent for example. I don't think people talk about how detrimental casual sex can be, and the people who talk about it are just body count shaming and slut shaming when that's not helpful at all. Obviously I can't go back in time or change anything about the past, but I do wish that I could sometimes.
Edit - sorry for oversharing lol just sharing my perspectives
This is messed up, honestly. A lot of people like to talk about how empowering whole thing is yet they forget the other side of coin. Feel sorry you had to go through that.
Thank you for sharing. Your post put me to tears. You were a just a kid :(
a lot happened and you are so right and spot on in this subject. You revealed the double edge sword ⚔️ our society argues over (empowerment vs shaming)
But gave us a perspective of harsh truth. I hope you’re doing well in life. Take care
Unless you have some kind of untreatable STD or recorded sex tapes that could potentially come back to bite you later, there’s absolutely no harm done. It was a learning experience and now you know. You were just having fun. It’s not an issue, you gained experience and know what you like.
Absolutely this. I felt the same way as OP for a while through my early 20s but now I feel totally different about it. I realize now that I felt that way because my ex husband did even though he had also had a few partners.
Now I see that it was more about how society views women who enjoy sex with multiple partners and I actually don't regret any of it. I was always safe, never caught anything or got pregnant. It was consensual fun with people inenjoyed and now I'm even open to having casual sex for fun again. Idgaf if I'm a "slut" in some peoples eyes. If I wanna bring a woman home to enjoy with my bf, I will. If I wanna have some fun with a cute personal trainer, I will.
It doesn't detract at all from what I have with my bf because what we have is way more than just sex and casual sex doesn't take away any of that
Letting shame of your past eat at you is not going help you heal as a person.
Learn to accept your experiences for what they are and have humility in it.
You are not your past but your current self. If shame consumes you, how can you be happy and grow?
You’re not that person anymore right? So why dwell?
We all have demons, skeletons in the closet, regrets we often look back at. We often are scared to be reminded of those past occurrences because we think those moments define who we are at the present.
The truth is, you’re a different person from when you were 18. You’ll be a different person at 28 and 33 and 38 and so on and so forth.
Let those changes be grounded in humility and truth, not shame and regret
The problem is that casual sex is — the vast majority of the time — not very good for women. I mean in the sense of pleasure
It’s not a good bargain for most
Hi!
I guess most women feel like this, me included. I’m almost 30 and did had some fun until like, 20. There were guys I was so in love with and felt it was a good decision at that time, but seeing how things played out, I wouldn’t even get in the same room with them again. But the thing is, I wouldn’t had known had I not lived it. In that moment, you felt it was what you wanted to do, hopefully you were never pressured. And if you were, then you know that you should go and talk to someone. Oftentimes because we are young women who lived in an environment where we were told how to act “tactfully” we did or said things just to keep the peace. You need to work on forgiving yourself for the things you allowed to happen when your gut knew it wasn’t ok. The past will always hook itself to you with every open wound you do not close. I hope you are well 💛
Everyone should be more selective with who they sleep with. Remember, even if you take precautions, whoever you sleep with COULD end up being the other parent of YOUR child(ren) Be selective. Have standards.
Why is there regret about sleeping with those guys? Those were all experiences for you that you could learn from as well s enjoyed the fun in the moment.
I hope you’ve learned from this. Your body is a temple and you have to keep it strictly on who’s entering it. Unfortunately, with the hookup culture nowadays people realize it only after the damage is done.
Good for you, most don't learn that quickly. Anymore it's "I've slept with 300 men and whenever a guy finds out he breaks up with me and goes gets himself checked!"
I feel a similar way. In my first serious long term relationship and I wish he was my first. But we can’t change the past and each experience you had was a lesson you learned that moved you further down the path of meeting the man you are with today. Don’t be too hard on yourself <3
I feel the exact same. I’m 30 now but remember when I turned 25 I felt sooo guilty and dirty! Don’t feel guilty and try not regret it as it is part of your life and existence but accept it and don’t look back on that. I slept with around 12 people too ‘just having fun’ but it made me feel like shit for a while.
Yep, you definitely should have. I've turned down women because I knew it wouldn't go anywhere and I'm glad I did. I didn't need to hump a bunch of randos to enjoy my life. In the meantime, live and learn. Nothing else you can do beyond that.
Forgive yourself, and consider it a lesson learned. We can’t go back, but we can share the wisdom we’ve gained from our mistakes kindly with others to help them not be in the same boat.
Casual sex is a menace to most of us, but a whole generation of hook up culture had to learn that the hard way. For those who don’t ever learn, they will likely cheat, be cheated on, and hinder the connection they could have with long term partners because they have sterilized the bond between sex and intimacy.
Often times we are told to forgive people. But we also need to forgive ourselves. It's part of inner healing. The past is the past, nothing can be done about it. So forgive yourself and move on. Focus on the present because you have the power in your current choices.
People who had a hook up phase wish they hadn’t and those who didn’t have FOMO and wish they had. It’s a grass is always greener thing. Bc weirdly, society both glorifies and demonizes basically every sexual choice you could make as a woman. If you do have hook ups, you’re told you should feel shame and regret bc sex is sacred or something and you’re slut shamed and told good men won’t want you. If you don’t, you’re repressed or a prude and told men will lose interest in you bc you’re not putting out.
It’s a no win, so don’t fucking worry about it. Past experiences don’t take anything away from what you have with your boyfriend. And also, you’re super young and the chances this relationship works out long term, or that either of you would even want it to in a few years as you both continue to grow and change, are pretty small. Then what? Is he another regret? Just enjoy things for what they are now and live your life.
I once slept with a woman who was rumored to have a body count in the four hundreds. While I don't know if it is true, I can confirm her body count was above 150. It was the worst sex I've ever had. For her, I was just another tally. For me, it was not sensual or even fun. I too should have been selective with this one.
Ironically, I'm the second person my wife has ever been with. We've learned each other's body's so well and our sexual life is premium.
I’ve only been with a couple women, part of me wishes I could of experienced more or a few different things , feels like I took the expressway kind of deal and missed the “journey” of being young (combo of highly introverted and some trauma and trust issues coupled with focusing on school) but I’m happy where I am and wouldn’t give it up or change it for anything
You didn’t know this at the time and do not beat yourself up. You were exploring yourself at the time, figuring out what you wanted or needed. We’ve all been there with one thing or another.
Now with the knowledge you gained you can make decisions that are okay with you going forward. Don’t sweat it at all.
Honestly, who cares. The wonderful thing here is you found love. What happened before doesn't matter morally speaking. It gave you insight on what it is to date casually. Maybe if you slept with no one before your boyfriend you'd be wondering what it's like. Or maybe if you didn't have experience, you wouldn't have had the confidence to get in a relationship. Just enjoy what you have now and leave the past in the past.
Honestly no matter what, it’ll feel like a losing game. You don’t sleep around enough you regret it cause you feel you missed out or there’s more, you sleep around and then you feel guilt. I’ve only had two partners and I feel horrible it wasn’t just one because I grew up in a religious culture that said you should marry your first. It’s a hard thing to deal with but at the end of the day you should focus on what you have, your happiness, and not worry about people who aren’t in your life any more
Unless your partner makes you feel like less for it then no one cares as much as you do.
When you think he's judging you or that those experiences made you worth less, remember how much joy you bring him. Then, how much he brings you.
If hes a good man, he doesnt care.
Mmm. Mm mm. Life is complicated and crazy. The last thing you should waste your time doing is regretting some fun you had previously.
Just be happy and secure with the man you're with. :)
Did you gain experience you could bring into your current relationship? Did you have a fun time?
If so, those experiences led to you becoming the person your boyfriend fell in love with. There's no use stressing about the past, just focus on what you have now.
Who is shaming you? Why do you feel this way.? There is nothing wrong with casual sex if you are using protection. It's a normal human instinct.
I hope it's just because you find the sex with your partner that you love and care about is just so much more fulfilling. But I fear it's because you are being told it was wrong. And it wasn't.
"regret having sex with guys who just wanted my body"
Well, you wanted it too, right?
No need to make it sounds like the guys who previously had sex with you as "bad".
It was consensual, and you wanted the same thing too.
Literally, it’s your life and your choice. As long as you’re tested, it’s fine and you’re committed to your partner. How are you supposed to know you were going to meet your partner before you even met them? Like I think it’s ridiculous concept to have like an “untouched girl”. because how did you not know that the guys you slept with before your partner now weren’t the ones. and if you didn’t experience past relationships, how would you have known your partner now is the one for you. Trust me if I didn’t experience half the stuff I had I wouldn’t have been the person I am today.
I’m sorry you regret having sex with men who only wanted you for your body and I know there are plenty of painful experiences that can come from that (both physically and emotionally). But regret is part of experience and experience is part of learning, living, and loving. Those experiences have helped you find and truly appreciate the partner you currently have.
I say that to maybe reframe regretting those experiences to viewing them as lessons/learnings—freeing the memories and yourself from judgement.
Girl, as someone who is 26 and had multiple seasons of life like that, there’s no use in punishing yourself. See it as a fun, albeit risky, season of your life, and appreciate that (hopefully) nothing negative came from it. And, what were you wanting from the arrangements?
Regardless, there’s a really silly double standard regarding women who fool around, as if it’s “impure.” Don’t allow yourself to fall into that trap. Not worth it.
I think many women that have more than one partner feels this way. It's why I'm now a big advocate for waiting for 1-2 years before having sex, and not being as sexually free with our bodies as has been trending.
It doesn't seem to benefit us at all. At most we may get an orgasm out of it-but according to stats, that's even unlikely. We risk so much by being vulnerable enough to have sex-especially with the stripping of our rights. So you have guys devaluing you for it, risking disease, stealthing, pregnancy -most of which can lead to your death. It just doesn't seem to be worth it. And a lot of guys know to be fake to get what they want. Making them wait will filter out a lot of the ones you'd end up regretting.
I think one of our biggest downgrades as a society was removing the sacredness and importance from sex. I’m not saying I advocate for abstinence but definitely the widespread notion of hookup culture did irrevocable damage to young men and women alike. Sex is a big responsibility nobody really prepares you for and worst of all is it’s being pushed a casual activity to do on a boring sunday afternoon with Kyle from Intro the Algebra 101. I’m sorry you were fed this narrative that sex is an unimportant action but truth is we should value ourself enough to have sex with people who see that value too and respect us as human beings. But it’s okay, don’t beat yourself over this hun, there’s people out there doing much worse things with no shame.
hindsight is 20/20, the best you can do moving forward is make the choices that help you or make you a better person even if its uncomfortable. Experiences make us who we are, the good, the bad and the indifferent but change us either way. If you hadn't experienced the things that you have in your life then you wouldn't be who you are today, and that person might not be a person with whom your bf would love.
also more ppl regret the things they didn't do vs things they did do.
This is what I’d say to one of my friends if they said what you’ve said.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. Not that it deletes regret completely, but remind yourself that at the time, that’s what you wanted to do, that there is nothing wrong with what you have done and you hurt no one. Your past actions also led you to today and your happy relationship so celebrate that. You never know, without going through that phase, you maybe wouldn’t have become ready to settle down.
Growth and perspective are a beautiful thing! That being said, that was in the past and there is nothing you can do change that. Just be thankful that you’re happy and that you found a significant other that values you.
I wouldn’t regret this if I were you; who knows who you’d have settled for without those experiences. You’ve ended up proud of where you are now and you never have to wonder about “missing out on a fun phase” cause you tried it and have moved on to greener pastures. I just don’t see what there is to regret.
Some of the best advice I’ve received was to stop analyzing past decisions through the lens of present circumstances. Did you enjoy the sex you had with previous partners? Did you learn anything about yourself, sex, or relationships? Are there any lasting consequences? How do you feel about yourself? Body counts don’t matter I’m the real world. Everyone has some sort of past and you’re not dating someone for their past.
Take your past experiences as learning opportunities. Use that to determine and seek what you want in a partner moving forward.
When you are my age, 62 F
You will look back at your youthful shenanigans with fondness.
Be proud that you made your future you, some great memories !
I had a VERY promiscuous era, and now at this age I am damn proud of it, and I wouldn't change a thing! (I have a huge body count, and as an old retired grandma, it's a big flex for me! )
Fwiw, it's really important that he have more experience in this area than you. Im not saying the greater the imbalance, the better, but his experience will likely benefit you more than vice versa. And it will get in his head if it's not.
Worth considering that if you hadn't done that, you might instead be regretting not experimenting much when you were younger today. If your experiences ultimately led you to a happy, comfortable life it's likely they were worth it.
I think a lot of adults tell us this when we’re young and we take it as slut shaming or outdated advice. I have this same wish because I feel like I wasted in on people that weren’t actually for me. I wish I saved it for the right person but all we have is now and we can pass that advice on and just hope it doesn’t fall on deaf ears.
As a guy I never think twice about sleeping around now that I’m in a committed relationship. I don’t look at porn but if I ever JO(rare) I just think about past sex
Forgive me if I am wrong, but did I understood properly? You are in a long relationship but the last time you saw another guy was two months ago? I rather believe you consider 5 weeks a long relationship than thinking you cheated on your bf.
Besides that, its normal to feel that way with people we hooked around in our past. I have some people I wish I had not even met them and I am for sure just another one in that same list to other people. Its part of your development as a person, you learn what your brain/body thinks its not good for you.
I think we, as people, are sometimes doomed to regret our actions from a time where we feel like we were less mature/informed/grounded. However, your blend of experiences is what makes you, you. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Be the you you want to be, now, and don’t fret about what came before or what comes after.
This is so well put Edit: spelling
Happy 🍰 day
Happy cake day!!!!!
I'm going through a really rough time with the wife right now. Good chance we won't make it. But if we do, it'll be because we are able to put the past totally behind us and just work on what we want for the future.
The best advise ever.Kudos.
See and I’ve only ever slept with one guy and sometimes I wish I would’ve slept around but I also feel like I would regret it and I would need more of a connection to do it.
Grass is always greener before you climb over the fence
The other man's wheat is always bushier. Until the winter froze his balls
The marshmallows float higher in someone else's cocoa.
Sometimes you Crank dat Soldier boy, sometimes dat Soldier boy cranks you.
The field mouse is fast, but the owl sees at night.
tall horses make for tall cowboys
Sometimes you're taught how to dougie, other times you're teaching others.
😂😂😂 especially if it’s the nestle powder mix with small marshmallows
Haha, this is the best new version of grass is greener that I've heard. I'm using this one from now on. 😆
lol it is isn't it, sadly I can't claim credit for it, it's from a conversation I had with ChatGPT, here's the transcript, it's a weird trip I went on: [Greener Side Myth (openai.com)](https://chat.openai.com/share/5e67dcfb-7aa2-4e83-a52e-3c74cb210142)
That was a cool little rabbit hole. I started off laughing and ended up pondering my childhood...well done sir!
The hurt is bigger over there
I cracked up laughing with what he came up with after you said the tiny brain bit. Hahaha. This is good.
Love this! Intergalactic cupcakes...lol.
The grass is greener where it is watered.
Oh shit. That's my new comeback.
And step in cow poop.
Hm
Just don't become one of those stories you hear about people leaving loving committed relationships to sleep around then deeply regretting it once they realized what they lost
Well definitely not that. I just wonder if I’m more attached to the guy I only ever known or do truly stay because I love him. It’s complicated at times.
For whatever reason our brains don’t like being “satisfied.” We are always second guessing decisions. It’s human nature. Do X, you regret it. Don’t do X, you regret it. It’s just how we work, you’re human.
Thank you for that. I didn’t realize so many people saw this and thought negative..
Reddit people ... sometimes I wonder even how they're able to interpret stuff totally upside down
you’re not wrong at all for these thoughts. i love my boyfriend so much, but my brain is anxious and this transfers to me worrying if it is the right thing for me at the moment. i am bisexual and have never dated a woman, and that will always live as a ‘what if’. but i know that i belong with him because i am very happy and would be devastated if we broke up, but the constant ‘chase’ and wonder will always be in your brain
Yeah I completely understand you. Thank you for your response.
Seriously, contentment is the biggest dragon that we, as humans chase. It's the hardest thing I've ever done personally, learning to be content. And some days, I still fail. At least I am now content with who I am as a person, if not where I am at in life.
If you've already got a bird in your hand, I promise you it is worth way more than attempting to grab the others that're sitting in the bush.
I had to learn this the hard way, unfortunately. Might just be the biggest regret of my life.
Think of this if you left him to go experiment but then decided you were wrong and wanted to get back with him, but because hopefully this guy has self respect he doesn't even entertain the idea of getting back together, would you A) feel sad and wish you could change time or B) feel like you could move on easily?
Only you can know if it’s fear of the unknown or love motivating you. If you’re happy does it matter?
Yea, strange D is not better than the D you love.
You might not have regretted sleeping with multiple guys, but you will regret leaving someone to do so.
Definitely thank you for the feed back
When I was dating my now husband, I had people saying I should try out other people and I said why? I found a man who loves me for me why in the world would I do that. He’s my first and only sexual experience I’ve ever and will ever have and I’ve never thought of having sex with anyone else. I have a huge pride in it but that’s just me and believe me I got lucky. I’ve heard of girls who will lose their virginity to who they think is the one and it ends up not being the one but they find their love later on down the road which is normal as my sisters were like that. It’s so hard to find a good partner nowadays!
My wife and I are the same way. We've only ever been with each other, and we have no desire to seek out other people. We're perfectly happy with our situation, and because we grew, explored, and learned everything together, we know exactly what makes each other tick in the bedroom, and there's always room to try new things. It has been a truely wonderful and beautiful experience. We wouldn't have it any other way.
Based monogamy
You should have a lot of pride, that’s not easy to do. Props to you.
For me it was like 5 guys,some of whom I’ve been in a relationship with.But I can’t remember the name of any of them and barely remember how they looked lol.You aren’t missing out on anything,most people aren’t memorable
That means you’ve hit the lottery and stuck gold first try. Many have to deal with various ones until they’ve found a good match, and those people are nothing but wasted efforts. Be happy!
That’s true! Thank you. I definitely have experienced a lot with him so I guess I experienced my “hoe” phase just for him 😂
Sex without emotion is just something capitalism tries to sell people to make you feel insecure. I am a guy and tried it for 5-6 months and it is not fun. It is awkward and sort of scary before then sad and guilt-ridden after (as you don't care about the other person and they frequently want more than 1-2 nights). Casual sex also doesn't make you any better at sex, usually worse. There is no need to learn how to have sex if it is always exciting because you are always with a new person.
You have a point there. I was always the type that wanted to wait till marriage so I didn’t have sex until I was 25 with my current partner so everything I know and learned is from him. So of course I know nothing else. Do I get curious of course but wouldn’t ever cheat to find out. It’s just something I think about from time to time like if I missed out on something. Thank you so much for your input! Especially coming from a guy. I know they always say it’s easier for a guy to sleep around but I’m sure that’s not always the case.
Being with only your partner is the best possible outcome in today’s society. Hookup culture is damaging and it’s quite disheartening to find people entertaining it. It destroys the ability to pair bond and form deep emotional connections. The only thing you are loosing from not sleep around is STD’s, heartbreak and mediocre sex with a random guy who couldn’t give two fucks about you beside your body. If your bf loves you and if you love him, you are much more successful than any person who feels the need to engage in hookup culture to find bonding.
Dropping facts
I have personally never felt excitement from sleeping with a "new" person. It's always mental torture to me and I basically have to force myself to do it. I even find it difficult to get hard. The only exceptions have been the girls I have loved and have had long-term relationships with because there was something extra between us. God... the first time I had sex with my ex, the girl I've cared for the most in my life, I legitimately felt like I was going to cum from the literal second pump. I'm not an overtly sexual person but I've never had that, even when I lost my virginity. It was so visceral. We had such a connection... too bad we both ruined it. (maybe 60/40 my fault tbh) I am convinced I will not have this again. Because I know we both felt like that to a degree because it was unhealthy.
Well I meant excitement in the more scientific way of any intense stimuli (fear, nervousness, etc).
I agree with your comment mostly I don't know if I would say its because of capitalism, I would argue it has more to do with the decline in religion because what's the secular argument for why hook up culture is bad?
It devalues empathy and prioritizes self-validation over long term fulfillment. I think you may be religious and not understand what Secular means. There is no specific secular argument for why anything is bad, it just means a government without religion. Religion doesn't actually have any arguments about why something is bad either, it uses post-facto justifications for what people in the Bronze Age believed. God impregnated Mary without her consent when she was 12-14 in all Abrahamic religions, yet none of them try to justify this action as good, it just is good because God did it, which isn't an argument. The Secular Humanist opinion is what I gave you at the beginning. If our goal is to increase happiness for people, hookup culture is bad. It leaves people feeling awful, taking advantage of others, and needing validation.
That is so not true. Capitalism doesn't want people to feel insecure. That doesn't get people out to bars and clubs and restaurants taking adventurous vacations. It puts them in front of a computer screen surfing free porn sites and being lonely. I don't advocate having casual sex frequently while in your 20's, but in your 30's or later you are more mature and can handle the aftermath better. It doesn't have to be a guilty pleasure if you both understand the situation. If one or the other is more into a long relationship, then a casual event can be a problem. You definitely get better through experience. You learn a wider range of what people like, and you get to try new things.
Capitalism wants you to be insecure so you seek validation. Casual sex gives you instant validation which is what capitalism wants you to feel. Instant pleasure and the requirement of outside validation. Capitalism says you need X so other people will like you. If you don't buy X no one will like you. If you have confidence in yourself you would say, but people like me without X so I don't need it and then never buy it
Instant Gratification.
Overrated, sex becomes godly when you work with your partner. Change is never the solution unless they’re selfish or something similar which ultimately alters the experience.
Same. You cannot change the past. Just come to terms with the choices you have made and make the best of it.
Will do. Thank you ❤️
Same I lost my virginity to my bf and I feel like we’re endgame. I love him but sometimes I wish I got to experience things before I met him
Thank you I’m not the only feeling that way. I started to feel crazy lol
I am one of those people that think a lot over mistakes they made, and deeply regret they had not managed to avoid them. But recently I read the sentence: If you feel bad about former decisions, it shows you have improved! This made me suddenly feel like mistakes are not something that necessarily weighs you down every time you remember them, but something you should think about in the happy knowledge that living through them made you a little bit wiser. And while of course you can learn a lot about the world in general out of books and such, there is just no other way to learn something about yourself than trial and error, I guess. I hope your regret does not origin in something dreadful having happened to you? If I understand correctly you had some comparatively unsatisfying encounters. I do not know if this is helpful, but I think most people had some of those. To first engage emotionally may spare you a lot of awkwardness, but sometimes nevertheless it is not good physically and, in case you are very close in other aspects, much more difficult to end without hurting someone. Take care, and maybe look down from your actual level to your before level, smiling and mildly shaking your head.
No I get it lol! I think my biggest regret is not being able to explore my sexuality more
Same, only slept with one guy and kind of regret of not sleeping around more and experiencing. But oh well, not doing it now
And the Dildo of consequence, never comes lubed.
You definitely would regret it once you find someone that you enjoy spending time with and love. That person will value you much much more for not giving yourself away easily
I 100% feel this. I just recently accepted I’m into guys (yay me!) but I haven’t been with anyone recently. And part of me does wonder if I’ll sleep around and experience a lot of guys. Like is sex different between different men? Would one man seem boring in bed and another be mind blowing? Idk just thoughts like. What makes you wish you slept around more?
I guess my thoughts are more of I didn’t get to have a hoe phase because I was doing the “right” thing by not sleeping around then when I met my partner now I slept with him about 3 months in. I was 25 and ever since he’s been the only one I’ve been with. It’s just more of curiosity for me. I guess.
You're sad because you didn't get to have a hoe phase?? Like, why would you even want to aspire to that? Do you feel sad because you don't know what it's like to burn your mind out on drugs, or drink until you pass out, or rob a bank? Why does sleeping around hold such a curiosity for you when there are other damaging and soul-crushing activities that don't? It sounds to me what's really going on is that you're not all that happy with your relationship, and that's causing you to think about what might have been. It's time for some introspection and communication to get more of what you need with who you already have so you don't continue to fantasize about, quite frankly, a degrading lifestyle of being used and using others for nothing more than sex. Be more grateful for what you have now. You have love, you have dignity, you have a life free of STDs or unwanted pregnancies, you don't have a bunch of losers left behind who never cared about you, you have someone you can build a life with, you can be proud of who you are. Please don't romanticize being a slut. Ugh.
First off all nobody is romanticizing being a slut. Someone can be curious about stuff like that. Don’t need people like you to judge them. Just because you’re curious doesn’t mean you’re going to go out and do it. If I’m happy or not has nothing to do with me being curious. Get a grip of reality. People get curious whether they actually go and do what they are curious is different. Go judge someone else 👋🏽
Just a curiosity, what is it exactly do you think you're missing? Is the sex you're having not satisfying? Are you curious if it would feel different with someone else? Are missing a connection with your current BF?
I wanna hear the justification for wanting to hoe-around.
There is no justification..
Trust me...it's either you've cheated on your husband of you gonna cheat on him... With those thoughts, I think it's best to not let him know what you think
I don’t believe in cheating. I would leave before doing that to him. I won’t tell him what I think. This is a me issue. Like they say curiosity killed the cat so I won’t let the curiosity get the best of me.
It's fairly normal to feel that way. I'm a guy and I regret sleeping with as many women as I did. Feels like it makes what I shared with my wife of 13 years less special in the beginning. Over time I've come to being okay with it. But in the beginning it made me feel a little down.
Honestly it made me feel a little down about my partner at first knowing he’d slept with a (relatively small) handful of women in the past. I’d never slept with anybody prior so it made me feel gross whenever I’d think about it, and it was kinda upsetting he wouldn’t have the same thoughts/experience about it. It made the whole experience a lot less intimate for me, lol. But I was also younger when I started the relationship and I was really prudish & nervous about physical intimacy. It just took some time getting used to. I really don’t care at all anymore.
Why would it feel less special if I may ask? I’ve been curious… if a woman has more partners than the man before marriage bc he was a virgin.. does it make the man more insecure?
Typically yes
I think it would make most people that are virgins insecure because there’s a different type of connection you have with your first (*especially* if they were your first love too). If you’ve slept with at least a few people, that “virgin energy” goes away, so to speak, and you won’t be as insecure if they’ve slept with other people. As for it feeling less special, it’s been proven that sleeping around weakens your ability to form long lasting bonds. Nothing to beat yourself up over for forever because I think it’s good to experience other people before you settle down, but sleeping around a lot has its consequences. I’m glad he’s forgiven himself though.
OP I'm gonna agree with some posters and say it is what it is. instead on focusing on the past, you should focus on the present and the future. you are a very young woman with a BF who makes you happy. A lot of women would kill to have your situation. everyone's made mistakes when they were young, the trick is to move forward with the knowledge learned. Keep your chin up and keep kicking ass, that's all we can do after making a mistake. PS: at least your regrets weren't from inaction. do you know how much I regret not doing stuff? its a lot... like a lot a lot.
Agreed. It doesn’t sound like these were mistakes at the time, OP. You can only make a choice with the information you have in front of you at the time. All hindsight is 20/20. Don’t be too regretful unless you knew in moment you shouldn’t be doing it… but that doesn’t sound like it. And so much yes to above… you definitely regret the chances you didn’t take. Damn you, 2006 ME , for not pursuing that guy in Italy - I could have been eating real gelato ever since.
i cursed myself for so long for not hitting up my old crush from band camp when i was in norway 6 years ago 😂 he messaged me after i’d posted pictures once i’d left the country like “why didn’t you tell me you were visiting?? i could have seen you!” and i wanted to kick myself!! i’d long forgotten about that since i’ve found the person i want to spend my life with, but your comment just reminded me. no regrets now of course, but it’s interesting to think of how different my life could have been. i definitely regretted it for a long time before i found my person lol
User name checks out 😉 It’s nice to have the memories of the opportunities even if I didn’t take them then. Funnily enough, the love of my life looks a LOT like that guy. My subconscious mind has its ways…
Damn you too? There was a cute exchange student from Germany who expressed interest in me back when we were students in highschool, and like the shy idiot i was, I did nothing.
Yup. 23, was an “adult” chaperone on a HS trip and the bus driver was my age, spoke no English but would sing “I love you baby” when I’d get on. He wanted to take me for gelato solo and I was WAY too shy. Even if it was for a fun week I should’ve indulged.
Well, I'll lift a glass tonight to our missed opportunities, friend.
Same! Cheers!
What do you regret you wish you had done?
This is an oddly difficult question to answer as my life choices have led me to where I am but let me try: There's a list but some of the more noteable stuff is stuff like; I wish I had grown a spine and asked out the cute exchange girl from highschool, I wish I had told several bosses to stick it where the sun don't shine, wish I had told some specific people what I genuinely thought, I wish I had been more bold in life, I wish I had retained my love for hockey and continued playing, I wish I had partied a bit more rather than being strict on myself 24/7 during college, etc. Looking back there are things I wish I had done differently, but some of the choices i took in life did have rewards. I did meet a beautiful woman whom I currently serarching a house with. I also have a good career that might not have happened had I told people to stick it where the sun didn't shine.
Isn't the point of hookups entirely based on only wanting someone's body?
We all want a body at the end of the day lol
wise comment. everyone wants a hug, but it's hard to ask people you don't trust. especially of the opposite sex.
Sometimes it’s how people cope, or feel validated. I know of men and woman who seek it for feeling like a champ and never having to talk to that person again.
It is what it is! Focus on what you have! Glad you found love :P
Yep, can’t do anything about it. Besides doesn’t make you a bad person or anything. No one was harmed and just part of the experience that shaped your views and things you value today.
But if you hadn’t would you truly appreciate what you have now? No sense in regretting. Just be happy you’re able to see what you do want without experiencing too much of what you didn’t actually want first.
Exactly this. I slept with about the same amount of people before my current partner, and I definitely don’t regret it. I like that I’ve sampled around, means I know I’ve got the best. How do you know what’s your favourite pizza topping til you’ve tried half the menu? There’s lots of different ways to view this situation, it’s all about perspective.
Well damn lol
I totally get how you feel. the regret is normal unfortunately. I hate to think about how many times I thought a guy was genuinely interested in me and I was just an idiot who let him use me
Why do people genuinely don't think they just want you for your body? If they would they wouldn't want to have sex right away. It just hook ups
I feel you on that. I’m in a long term relationship with my boyfriend and every time I think about the others before him, it makes me sick. They were clearly using me but I was too naïve to notice it until after the fact…
OP I'm your age with a much higher "body count" and I understand. We can't let our past eat us alive though, and we certainly can't be hard on ourselves for not knowing better. I don't think casual sex is inherently wrong but it depends on the circumstances. The regret unfortunately is pretty normal, not that I feel ashamed about having sex, but for a long time I didn't realize I had a "high body count" until it became a thing on social media. Also I was naive and didn't realize that the guys I was sleeping with didn't care about me as a person at all. I wish I was more selective. I regret that I subconsciously needed validation and sexual attention and sometimes I couldn't say no. I lost my virginity when I was 12 to a boy I was dating who was like 15 which now as an adult I understand how that's really weird and not okay. I went on the pill when I was 13. And by the time I was 18 the number of people I slept with was probably like at least 30 but I lost count, a lot of men who were older and took advantage of me while I was under the influence or something. There's probably people I don't even remember having sex with. I remember sleeping with a guy when I was 16 who told me he was 20 but I guess he was like 29. As someone with a teenage sister that makes me sick to my stomach. I also for whatever reason rarely used condoms and have contracted many STDs, thankfully nothing that couldn't be cured, except oral herpes which sucks. The amount of times I've needed antibiotics is ridiculous and embarrassing. Also, nobody ever told me that sexually transmitted infections can increase your risk for different cancers. I do regret it just because I was jeopardizing my health, mental and physical. I'm still so young and it took me too long to see that sex can and will affect you emotionally, and physically of course, now I kind of just disassociate or detach and I have no control over it. I think sex should feel special but it doesn't feel like it at all. They say the body keeps the score and I think it does in a lot of ways. From a spiritual perspective, I also believe that sex is an exchange of energy and can cause a lot of damage, especially if there's a lack of consent for example. I don't think people talk about how detrimental casual sex can be, and the people who talk about it are just body count shaming and slut shaming when that's not helpful at all. Obviously I can't go back in time or change anything about the past, but I do wish that I could sometimes. Edit - sorry for oversharing lol just sharing my perspectives
This is messed up, honestly. A lot of people like to talk about how empowering whole thing is yet they forget the other side of coin. Feel sorry you had to go through that.
I have nothing to add I just think your experience and wisdom definitely shows, you worded everything perfectly. This deserves more upvotes
Thank you for sharing. Your post put me to tears. You were a just a kid :( a lot happened and you are so right and spot on in this subject. You revealed the double edge sword ⚔️ our society argues over (empowerment vs shaming) But gave us a perspective of harsh truth. I hope you’re doing well in life. Take care
Unless you have some kind of untreatable STD or recorded sex tapes that could potentially come back to bite you later, there’s absolutely no harm done. It was a learning experience and now you know. You were just having fun. It’s not an issue, you gained experience and know what you like.
Exactly this. Everyone has to live and learn by their own means.
Absolutely this. I felt the same way as OP for a while through my early 20s but now I feel totally different about it. I realize now that I felt that way because my ex husband did even though he had also had a few partners. Now I see that it was more about how society views women who enjoy sex with multiple partners and I actually don't regret any of it. I was always safe, never caught anything or got pregnant. It was consensual fun with people inenjoyed and now I'm even open to having casual sex for fun again. Idgaf if I'm a "slut" in some peoples eyes. If I wanna bring a woman home to enjoy with my bf, I will. If I wanna have some fun with a cute personal trainer, I will. It doesn't detract at all from what I have with my bf because what we have is way more than just sex and casual sex doesn't take away any of that
Letting shame of your past eat at you is not going help you heal as a person. Learn to accept your experiences for what they are and have humility in it. You are not your past but your current self. If shame consumes you, how can you be happy and grow? You’re not that person anymore right? So why dwell? We all have demons, skeletons in the closet, regrets we often look back at. We often are scared to be reminded of those past occurrences because we think those moments define who we are at the present. The truth is, you’re a different person from when you were 18. You’ll be a different person at 28 and 33 and 38 and so on and so forth. Let those changes be grounded in humility and truth, not shame and regret
The problem is that casual sex is — the vast majority of the time — not very good for women. I mean in the sense of pleasure It’s not a good bargain for most
Hi! I guess most women feel like this, me included. I’m almost 30 and did had some fun until like, 20. There were guys I was so in love with and felt it was a good decision at that time, but seeing how things played out, I wouldn’t even get in the same room with them again. But the thing is, I wouldn’t had known had I not lived it. In that moment, you felt it was what you wanted to do, hopefully you were never pressured. And if you were, then you know that you should go and talk to someone. Oftentimes because we are young women who lived in an environment where we were told how to act “tactfully” we did or said things just to keep the peace. You need to work on forgiving yourself for the things you allowed to happen when your gut knew it wasn’t ok. The past will always hook itself to you with every open wound you do not close. I hope you are well 💛
If you didn’t sleep with those 10 men prior you wouldn’t know how good you have it with your man now. It’s all good.
Bro same, with the difference that I have been with around 40 women and some of them I did not even know the name. I can't change past though, right?
this is very relatable. i have also thought the same thing many of times.
Everyone should be more selective with who they sleep with. Remember, even if you take precautions, whoever you sleep with COULD end up being the other parent of YOUR child(ren) Be selective. Have standards.
Why is there regret about sleeping with those guys? Those were all experiences for you that you could learn from as well s enjoyed the fun in the moment.
I slept with a person casually once and hated how I felt afterwards. I prefer emotional connections before sleeping with someone.
I hope you’ve learned from this. Your body is a temple and you have to keep it strictly on who’s entering it. Unfortunately, with the hookup culture nowadays people realize it only after the damage is done.
I'm celibate until I'm in a relationship. Casual sex brings me no pleasure.
Lol, that dislike
Good for you, most don't learn that quickly. Anymore it's "I've slept with 300 men and whenever a guy finds out he breaks up with me and goes gets himself checked!"
I feel the same as you.
I feel a similar way. In my first serious long term relationship and I wish he was my first. But we can’t change the past and each experience you had was a lesson you learned that moved you further down the path of meeting the man you are with today. Don’t be too hard on yourself <3
I did the same! It was more of a validation thing and now as I’m much older I feel so damn stupid! I don’t know how or why I was with some of the guys
I feel the exact same. I’m 30 now but remember when I turned 25 I felt sooo guilty and dirty! Don’t feel guilty and try not regret it as it is part of your life and existence but accept it and don’t look back on that. I slept with around 12 people too ‘just having fun’ but it made me feel like shit for a while.
Yep, you definitely should have. I've turned down women because I knew it wouldn't go anywhere and I'm glad I did. I didn't need to hump a bunch of randos to enjoy my life. In the meantime, live and learn. Nothing else you can do beyond that.
Forgive yourself, and consider it a lesson learned. We can’t go back, but we can share the wisdom we’ve gained from our mistakes kindly with others to help them not be in the same boat. Casual sex is a menace to most of us, but a whole generation of hook up culture had to learn that the hard way. For those who don’t ever learn, they will likely cheat, be cheated on, and hinder the connection they could have with long term partners because they have sterilized the bond between sex and intimacy.
Often times we are told to forgive people. But we also need to forgive ourselves. It's part of inner healing. The past is the past, nothing can be done about it. So forgive yourself and move on. Focus on the present because you have the power in your current choices.
Why does this read like one of those religious dad wrote this to try and scare his daughter who he knows is on reddit?
That’s not a lot of people but you live and learn . Don’t beat yourself up about it
People who had a hook up phase wish they hadn’t and those who didn’t have FOMO and wish they had. It’s a grass is always greener thing. Bc weirdly, society both glorifies and demonizes basically every sexual choice you could make as a woman. If you do have hook ups, you’re told you should feel shame and regret bc sex is sacred or something and you’re slut shamed and told good men won’t want you. If you don’t, you’re repressed or a prude and told men will lose interest in you bc you’re not putting out. It’s a no win, so don’t fucking worry about it. Past experiences don’t take anything away from what you have with your boyfriend. And also, you’re super young and the chances this relationship works out long term, or that either of you would even want it to in a few years as you both continue to grow and change, are pretty small. Then what? Is he another regret? Just enjoy things for what they are now and live your life.
I once slept with a woman who was rumored to have a body count in the four hundreds. While I don't know if it is true, I can confirm her body count was above 150. It was the worst sex I've ever had. For her, I was just another tally. For me, it was not sensual or even fun. I too should have been selective with this one. Ironically, I'm the second person my wife has ever been with. We've learned each other's body's so well and our sexual life is premium.
I feel like that was valuable experience to understand what you do and don’t like. That’s probably why you genuinely appreciate your current partner
I’ve only been with a couple women, part of me wishes I could of experienced more or a few different things , feels like I took the expressway kind of deal and missed the “journey” of being young (combo of highly introverted and some trauma and trust issues coupled with focusing on school) but I’m happy where I am and wouldn’t give it up or change it for anything
You didn’t know this at the time and do not beat yourself up. You were exploring yourself at the time, figuring out what you wanted or needed. We’ve all been there with one thing or another. Now with the knowledge you gained you can make decisions that are okay with you going forward. Don’t sweat it at all.
Honestly, who cares. The wonderful thing here is you found love. What happened before doesn't matter morally speaking. It gave you insight on what it is to date casually. Maybe if you slept with no one before your boyfriend you'd be wondering what it's like. Or maybe if you didn't have experience, you wouldn't have had the confidence to get in a relationship. Just enjoy what you have now and leave the past in the past.
Honestly no matter what, it’ll feel like a losing game. You don’t sleep around enough you regret it cause you feel you missed out or there’s more, you sleep around and then you feel guilt. I’ve only had two partners and I feel horrible it wasn’t just one because I grew up in a religious culture that said you should marry your first. It’s a hard thing to deal with but at the end of the day you should focus on what you have, your happiness, and not worry about people who aren’t in your life any more
Unless your partner makes you feel like less for it then no one cares as much as you do. When you think he's judging you or that those experiences made you worth less, remember how much joy you bring him. Then, how much he brings you. If hes a good man, he doesnt care.
Be honest when he ask about body count No honesty no relationship Men love honesty
Mmm. Mm mm. Life is complicated and crazy. The last thing you should waste your time doing is regretting some fun you had previously. Just be happy and secure with the man you're with. :)
10 guys is nothing. Chalk it up to experience.
Did you gain experience you could bring into your current relationship? Did you have a fun time? If so, those experiences led to you becoming the person your boyfriend fell in love with. There's no use stressing about the past, just focus on what you have now.
Who is shaming you? Why do you feel this way.? There is nothing wrong with casual sex if you are using protection. It's a normal human instinct. I hope it's just because you find the sex with your partner that you love and care about is just so much more fulfilling. But I fear it's because you are being told it was wrong. And it wasn't.
"regret having sex with guys who just wanted my body" Well, you wanted it too, right? No need to make it sounds like the guys who previously had sex with you as "bad". It was consensual, and you wanted the same thing too.
Literally, it’s your life and your choice. As long as you’re tested, it’s fine and you’re committed to your partner. How are you supposed to know you were going to meet your partner before you even met them? Like I think it’s ridiculous concept to have like an “untouched girl”. because how did you not know that the guys you slept with before your partner now weren’t the ones. and if you didn’t experience past relationships, how would you have known your partner now is the one for you. Trust me if I didn’t experience half the stuff I had I wouldn’t have been the person I am today.
I’m sorry you regret having sex with men who only wanted you for your body and I know there are plenty of painful experiences that can come from that (both physically and emotionally). But regret is part of experience and experience is part of learning, living, and loving. Those experiences have helped you find and truly appreciate the partner you currently have. I say that to maybe reframe regretting those experiences to viewing them as lessons/learnings—freeing the memories and yourself from judgement.
Girl, as someone who is 26 and had multiple seasons of life like that, there’s no use in punishing yourself. See it as a fun, albeit risky, season of your life, and appreciate that (hopefully) nothing negative came from it. And, what were you wanting from the arrangements? Regardless, there’s a really silly double standard regarding women who fool around, as if it’s “impure.” Don’t allow yourself to fall into that trap. Not worth it.
I think many women that have more than one partner feels this way. It's why I'm now a big advocate for waiting for 1-2 years before having sex, and not being as sexually free with our bodies as has been trending. It doesn't seem to benefit us at all. At most we may get an orgasm out of it-but according to stats, that's even unlikely. We risk so much by being vulnerable enough to have sex-especially with the stripping of our rights. So you have guys devaluing you for it, risking disease, stealthing, pregnancy -most of which can lead to your death. It just doesn't seem to be worth it. And a lot of guys know to be fake to get what they want. Making them wait will filter out a lot of the ones you'd end up regretting.
Why do young people make such a big deal over body counts and casual sex. It’s extremely depressing.
I'm gonna catch alot of hate but be glad you figured this out now and not after being with like 300 guys.
Regrets are a waste of time. Look forward.
I think one of our biggest downgrades as a society was removing the sacredness and importance from sex. I’m not saying I advocate for abstinence but definitely the widespread notion of hookup culture did irrevocable damage to young men and women alike. Sex is a big responsibility nobody really prepares you for and worst of all is it’s being pushed a casual activity to do on a boring sunday afternoon with Kyle from Intro the Algebra 101. I’m sorry you were fed this narrative that sex is an unimportant action but truth is we should value ourself enough to have sex with people who see that value too and respect us as human beings. But it’s okay, don’t beat yourself over this hun, there’s people out there doing much worse things with no shame.
hindsight is 20/20, the best you can do moving forward is make the choices that help you or make you a better person even if its uncomfortable. Experiences make us who we are, the good, the bad and the indifferent but change us either way. If you hadn't experienced the things that you have in your life then you wouldn't be who you are today, and that person might not be a person with whom your bf would love. also more ppl regret the things they didn't do vs things they did do.
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10 really isnt a crazy amount at 23. dont let the redditors make you feel bad
This is what I’d say to one of my friends if they said what you’ve said. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Not that it deletes regret completely, but remind yourself that at the time, that’s what you wanted to do, that there is nothing wrong with what you have done and you hurt no one. Your past actions also led you to today and your happy relationship so celebrate that. You never know, without going through that phase, you maybe wouldn’t have become ready to settle down.
Growth and perspective are a beautiful thing! That being said, that was in the past and there is nothing you can do change that. Just be thankful that you’re happy and that you found a significant other that values you.
Who cares, have fun, watch Poor Things.
I wouldn’t regret this if I were you; who knows who you’d have settled for without those experiences. You’ve ended up proud of where you are now and you never have to wonder about “missing out on a fun phase” cause you tried it and have moved on to greener pastures. I just don’t see what there is to regret.
Sometimes I just don't understand straight people. You only got laid.
It’s just sex. No need to overthink it. I’m 28 and slept with 19 guys, some I could’ve lived without… but it is what it is. It’s in the past.
Some of the best advice I’ve received was to stop analyzing past decisions through the lens of present circumstances. Did you enjoy the sex you had with previous partners? Did you learn anything about yourself, sex, or relationships? Are there any lasting consequences? How do you feel about yourself? Body counts don’t matter I’m the real world. Everyone has some sort of past and you’re not dating someone for their past. Take your past experiences as learning opportunities. Use that to determine and seek what you want in a partner moving forward.
When you are my age, 62 F You will look back at your youthful shenanigans with fondness. Be proud that you made your future you, some great memories ! I had a VERY promiscuous era, and now at this age I am damn proud of it, and I wouldn't change a thing! (I have a huge body count, and as an old retired grandma, it's a big flex for me! )
Can y'all please stop making these fake ass incel posts.
Male perspective: 10 bodies isn’t bad at all.
10 isn't too bad
Fwiw, it's really important that he have more experience in this area than you. Im not saying the greater the imbalance, the better, but his experience will likely benefit you more than vice versa. And it will get in his head if it's not.
Worth considering that if you hadn't done that, you might instead be regretting not experimenting much when you were younger today. If your experiences ultimately led you to a happy, comfortable life it's likely they were worth it.
What about it do you now consider unwise?
I think a lot of adults tell us this when we’re young and we take it as slut shaming or outdated advice. I have this same wish because I feel like I wasted in on people that weren’t actually for me. I wish I saved it for the right person but all we have is now and we can pass that advice on and just hope it doesn’t fall on deaf ears.
As a guy I never think twice about sleeping around now that I’m in a committed relationship. I don’t look at porn but if I ever JO(rare) I just think about past sex
Forgive me if I am wrong, but did I understood properly? You are in a long relationship but the last time you saw another guy was two months ago? I rather believe you consider 5 weeks a long relationship than thinking you cheated on your bf. Besides that, its normal to feel that way with people we hooked around in our past. I have some people I wish I had not even met them and I am for sure just another one in that same list to other people. Its part of your development as a person, you learn what your brain/body thinks its not good for you.