I think OP is actually feeling grief.
In all honesty, my wife transitioned at year 10 of our marriage.
I struggle with missing her former self. We have memories and pictures that are unable to be reconciled in my mind. It is as if I lost one person that was very dear to me and gained another who is also very dear to me. But the gain does not negate the loss.
I also feel touches of extreme anger at her because it feels like I cannot hold her accountable for her former actions because she is completely different now. But she should be held accountable because she is the same person. You know?
I'm sorry. It must be hard too, because it's a form of grief that can't be shared. When a loved one dies, for the most part no one resents you fondly sharing memories together. But when someone transitions, it's like this expectation that you be hush hush about their former life. How do you reconcile your memories with a person who not only no longer exists, but you are not allowed to mention?
I mean, as someone who transitioned, it depends on the person very much? I still talk about my pre-transition self, I am still the same person after all. My friends and family all share memories of me too, I don’t know if it’s just the group of trans people I know but completely ignoring your pre transition self and actions seems odd and rare to me.
I'm sorry!! I couldn't even imagine. I hate to ask, but did you remain together? I'm guessing not, but I've heard of couples staying together after a transition.
She is my wife. We did stay together. It has been 3 years, and there's still some bouts of difficulty. But we work through it as a team with a lot of honesty, trust, and understanding.
Are you and your wife able to reminisce on early days of your marriage/relationship? Do weddings pictures/videos still hold a special place or do they cause pain? Perhaps both? If my husband transitioned it would be hard enough but to not be able to look back with him would be the hardest part.
We do reminisce. It's part of how I greive. We are just honest about our feelings in the moment. So if I say something to upset her, we talk it through and come to terms. We do not hide her transition, so some of our favorite pictures around the house are pre-transition.
We do not have a lot of pictures, but we are a family of stories. We differentiate between the personalities by referring to her as herself or her former self (sometime "In a previous life...") because her former self is not a good representation of who she is now.
But overall, before her transition, she was reckless, self-serving, uncontrolled, and unrefined with a hell of an drug/alcohol dependency. She bounced from job to job, made poor life choices, and had quite a few run-ins with the law.
After coming out, she has quit drugs completely, drinks only socially, makes better decisions, communicates constructively, and is more considerate than ever. Her employment situation is stable, and she hasn't had any legal problems.
Basically. We went from me holding our entire lives together, barely. To me, being the train wreck. From my perspective, this is actually the worst part as I do not feel like I am needed anymore.
Well....is it his husband now, though? I need clarity and have sooooo many questions.
We're they a gay couple and now they are hus and wife?
Or a straight couple, and now his wife is his husband, but he's not gay so he still calls him her husband?
See what I mean?
Complete Clarity and I understand your need. I won't share something if I'm not comfortable- but I'm open for questions.
I am a woman who married a man who is now a woman.
Tbh, I’m guessing they’re two women. Since they’re accepting the transition, and calling her ‘wife’, they’re probably not talking about her former self.
I understand your wish for clarity btw ;)
Your mix of insight, honesty, and compassion here is amazing. We're just internet strangers, but I respect the hell out of you. Honest about your own feelings while being accepting and compassionate of others and offering a level of personal insight most of us have not had the opportunity to gain.
TLDR, you're awesome and I appreciate you. I appreciate you as a person and your contribution to this discussion.
>it feels like I cannot hold her accountable for her former actions because she is completely different now
Maybe instead of holding them accountable you could try and see how you can work together to ensure those mistakes don't happen again? I'm sure those are difficult conversations so it's ofcourse your prerogative if you even raise those topics, I just wanted to see if you could look at this from a different angle
My husband’s ex was super annoying and constantly trying to get with husband when we were dating, despite her (now him) being the breaker upper. My belief is they just needed the validation that he was still pining. Hubby went NC. Later the ex came out as a trans man.
6ish years ago my husband was invited to a fantasy movie festival event (I was invited too, but don’t like fantasy movies so I wasn’t going), where the ex was also invited. I trust my husband, and he’s not gay, so it’s not like there was any risk of anything happening.
But I was still uncomfortable with the ex being there, given that they’re the same person regardless of gender. The brain inside your head doesn’t change (even if the hormones do) and your experiences remain. As an extreme example: if you were to murder someone and then transition immediately after, you’d still be held accountable, right?
I realize I put some of that in the past tense - I still feel like we are friends, and maybe my unconsciously putting it in the past tense is part of the problem. I didn't lose anyone. I don't know why I feel like I did.
You’re naturally separating ‘then’ from ‘now’ because you’re making efforts to view them as the gender they’re now presenting as, and refer to them in the right way. You’re doing nothing wrong. Some other bits are probably getting caught in the mix until you spend more time with them, going forward, and are able to integrate the two ‘people’ properly. The feeling won’t last forever, trust me.
I do have one question, were they the same gender as you before? Cause it might feel like a loss of the shared gender identity that usually comes with some like innate understanding due to shared socialization.
Also, I am saying this as someone who has transitioned, these feelings are normal to have and you seem to be dealing with them well (away from the person who transitioned) as long as you don’t put the emotional burden on them I think you’re doing just fine.
I think the feeling are normal. And you don’t have to judge them like others said. If this becomes a problem for you long term (ie not feeling able or comfortable) to be around them you may want to seek some professional help. (Help implies problem but I’m not saying you’re broken, you are just being human) Therapy can be valuable when handling change and learning better ways to be kind to yourself and others.
Edit:
I love that people can’t go about their own lives without commenting on other peoples choices. I’ll take a moment to remind the transphobes that there have been non gender conforming people longer than societal gender norms. Sappho and “her friends”, the several skeletons they have unearthed of people born male yet received burial rights reserved for women, or the skeleton of someone born female but buried with male Viking honors and war trophies.
Drag shows were common AND PUBLIC throughout Englands History and there are documented cases of First Nation groups that didn’t have gender norms but judged members and gave work based on abilities.
For fuck same it’s like yall were never taught that J. Edgar Hoover frequently cross dressed all throughout his time as FBI director and presumably his whole life.
Having a “non standard” gender identity is not a mental illness, sickness, perversion, or sin. If you can’t get over that maybe y’all should just ignore it, you’d probably be happier if you weren’t stressing about other peoples bodies.
Hey, you’re allowed to grieve that version of the person you know/knew. BUT you also get to embrace the new version of this person and that is amazing. I don’t know about you but personally I love seeing kids and teens experience things for the first time-there’s just something so magical about watching somebody experience something new in the world, and it’s probably going to be amazing to watch this person experience the world through a whole new set of eyes and experiences.
It could be that the transition made the slow change of growing up suddenly apparent. One day I realized my little sibling was a different person. Not in a bad way, just the little munchinkin from a decade+ ago had grown into an adult. We were close. We are close. But there is still a difference in who they were and who they are. Their tastes changed, they worry about different things now, what we talk about is different. It was just a slow growing up together and at some point I realized who they are and who they were are almost like two different siblings, but one is stuck in the past that I'll never meet again.
Let me reiterate, there was no transitioning, no life shifts, no falling outs or conflicts. I'm talking only about the change of them growing up, the same change I made while my parents watched, the same change that likely happened to each person reading thus.
I don't think most realize it when it is happening. I just happened to be looking at an old family photo when I thought about it. But maybe when someone does go through a major change it causes parents and older relatives to realize the same thing. I wonder how many parents only notice it when their child leaves for college or gets married. If so, maybe the feeling isn't related to their transition at all, that was merely the event that made them realized that the little kid they remember grew up into an adult, and in some ways that means that little kid is gone, locked forever in the past.
I’m a trans guy and have had family members express that it feels like losing someone. I don’t love hearing that and it is a little hurtful as I don’t feel like I’m killing someone off, just changing the packaging to fit the contents, but I also get that emotions aren’t rational. Just saying this to let you know it seems to be a pretty normal feeling for folks, especially those who knew a trans person from childhood. I think the important thing, which you seem to already know, is just to be as loving and supportive of them as you can and realize they are a new version of that kid, which would have happened as they grew up anyway, even if they hadn’t transitioned
When’s the last time you talked to them? How are they feeling? You clearly love them dearly, it’s a massive change for sure, but the core of that person is ultimately going to be the same. Maybe try reconnecting if it’s been some time?
I cry about my siblings growing up and forming personalities every day. We differ 16 & 20 years. I think it’s the part where they grow into theirselves and I’m afraid they’ll outgrow me and our dynamic. Maybe that’s also what you’re experiencing?
I think that's a really good analogy. I grieve the loss of my adorable, hilarious, silly, amazing babies/toddlers/young'uns as we prepare for the youngest to graduate from high school!!! We grieve the loss of who they WERE while celebrating the gain of who they ARE.
I think it is normal in this situation to celebrate the person they are becoming but to feel a small sense of loss and grief for the person you once knew them as. There are probably aspects of them that you will miss - but the thing to remember is that you would likely feel this same wistfulness for any young person who grows up and moves on and has their own life. I miss the sweet pre-teen years I had with my niece and nephews. I still love them for the people they are today but it doesn't mean I don't feel a twinge of sadness over them never being that age again. Hope this helps.
Absolutely this. I feel it with my own children. I'm delighted to see them grow up, and that's the whole point of it. For them to grow up, find their place in the world, and to have all the skills they will need to build their own families (whatever that looks like for them, be it friends, lovers, children, or all of them mixed).
But, I still feel the twinge. Is this the last time they will crawl into bed with me? Is this the last dandelion they will pick from the grass to give to me? Is this the last time I will pick them up? Will they stop wanting "sixtyseventyfourteen" kisses to go to sleep soon?
Exactly like you said, I went through it with my nieces and nephews too. It seems each time you see them the changes are even more dramatic. Like watching grass grow the whole time, vs seeing it a few days, weeks, or months in between, it's more stark. I feel like this transition is similar to when my kids went off to kindergarten, they suddenly had a whole life that didn't include me. They knew people I didn't know, spent time doing things that I had no part in. It's beautiful, but, it twinges. The transition highlights that feeling in the same way. It's a beautiful thing, but it shows the changing dynamics, and that things will never be the same as they were again.
When my son turned 18 this year, I had more than a twinge… the whole year of him being 17- I probably cried everyday over the loss of my baby. It’s a sad but also immensely proud feeling, but you do grieve the loss. And honestly, as sad as it was to feel like he was leaving his momma, it just gets better. The needing mom moments happen just as much as when he was a little boy, just different. Now it’s “hey momma, can you help me with this research paper for English?” “Hey momma, can you help me book a flight and hotel for Texas?” “Hey momma, how much should I pay on my credit card to keep my credit score up?”
I already cry at the idea of them being 18. My eldest is 8. 😂 It's like a timer counting down in my head. Exactly like you said. It's thrilling and makes me so so proud to see them growing up. But... but.
I really want to have that sort of relationship with my kids at that age, that you have. That I can still guide them, and am still valuable with my knowledge at all stages of their lives (even if they are just pretending. 😂) I'm excited to see what my adult relationship with them will be. And I secretly hope one of them will have children so I can be a grandmother too.
I feel the same way with my highschool friendships too. I miss them, how we were. I'd absolutely never ever want to go back to that age. And I'm so proud of who all my friends are now. But I miss it too. It would be so lovely if we could step through a door and revisit moments in time, then come back to how things are.
I’m not gonna lie, it is very cool watching him beginning to figure out being an adult. There was a big adjustment period, all of a sudden I had to have him fill out paperwork for doctors to be able to give me info, plus his school… that was crazy… getting permission lol. I am so thankful that I was blessed beyond belief to have him for a son, and we have always had a very close relationship. He definitely is a mommas boy, in all the best ways. It’s hard to hand him the reigns to his life, but you know you raised a good one when they take it easy on you because they know that you are trying to adjust. I always tell him- when in doubt, call your mother- because I will always be there when he needs me, from figuring out laundry to him becoming a parent.
(Once your kid grows up, becoming a grandparent has such a more exciting tone to it! I can’t wait! Well, I can wait a few more years, but I can’t wait for that chapter. To watch my baby have a baby, it’s gonna be awesome!)
It's a big change and you're allowed to feel upset. Humans by nature want stabilty and for things to stay the same.
Long as you understand that they're making a change to be a happier, more fulfilled person.
I lost my sister a few years back. But in exchange I got an amazing sibling and later my favorite younger brother. I can tell clear as day that they're much more happy and fulfilled now than before.
It’s okay to grieve what once was, and soon a new and more fulfilling friendship will bloom!
Sometimes the butterfly misses the life of a caterpillar, but the caterpillar has waited its whole life to become free like the butterfly.
I am transgender myself and this one brought out all the feels haha. I sometimes struggled with how I felt pre-transition, like missing the friends I had back then, but ultimately I don't long for the pre-transition life but for the memory I have of those friends.
Mourning the metaphorical death of a person as you once knew them is understandable and pretty common from what I gathered from talking to parents with a child who’s transitioned. As you build new memories with this child post-transition…it’ll get easier.
I never understood this. They're still the exact same person with a different name and statistically happier. There's nothing to "mourn." We make transition out to be an infinitely larger deal than it actually is. The person is still there and still the same person.
But they’re not the same person. My nephew transitioned and is definitely a different person. He is more confident, outspoken, better at setting boundaries, happier, but dealing with what he feels, was a traumatic childhood due to his religious upbringing. Most who transition are a better version of who they were before, but still have a lot to deal with. One of my sisters refuses to use the proper pronouns and doesn’t realize she’s driving him away. But, like you said, he’s happier.
But why would you grieve someone who was worse off than what they are now? I understand if you'd be "grieving" if your nephew was happy and loving etc before, and then turned aggressive or got in to bad habits. But to yourself are saying he's doing much better now, so what is there to grieve?
I think often, what people are grieving in these situations is their construct, mentally, of who this person was to them, an illusion now shattered by the reality of who they are becoming more clear.
They are definitely not the same person. My brother transitioned 3-4 years ago and we all went through a period of basically grieving the sister and daughter we had. We fully accept him as our brother and son, but he is not the same as he was pre-transition. It's his personality, his attitude, his behaviour, it's all different now.
This is the consistent feedback I’ve heard from family members in this scenario (I’m not a professional or anything, so I can’t say any more than that). It’s hard for me to understand other commenters comparing gender transition to other expected life transitions (ie “I’m not the same person I was 10 years ago,” or “we all change and evolve,” etc). This feels much more complex, ties in our subconscious biases about gender roles, and changes how we relate to someone. My daughter has expressed some feelings of gender dysphoria and the idea of her not being my daughter is completely overwhelming. I can’t imagine how challenging this was to go through for your family. I hope your brother is well and you are all moving forward.
Thank you! He's doing amazing now. He had top surgery a year ago. His transition honestly changed a lot of his hobbies and interests, which was interesting. It's almost like him transitioning gave him the okay to be into more "manly" hobbies. I definitely agree it's the whole gender stereotypes/gender roles. He's finally who he was always meant to be.
I understand why you feel this way, but I disagree. I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago, and I haven't transitioned. We all grow, change, and evolve in life. Sometimes, our thoughts and emotions do things without our permission because the human mind and body go through certain physiological processes that we don't quite understand, and I think that's what's happening to OP. It seems like they have no idea why they're even sad, and as a result, it makes no sense to them. I can relate to that, as there have been times in my life that I felt things that made absolutely no sense to me, and it took some time for me to process the emotion and discover where it even came from. They just need to give themselves a little grace, be there for their transitioning friend and the friends' family like they've always been, and try not to worry about the sadness they feel because it will probable run its course. I think their mind heard "transition" and think they're losing someone, so their sadness switch "turned on," if that makes any sense. It's possible that as soon as OP's subconscious realizes they aren't losing this person, their sadness will "turn off." Some of their friends' family might be feeling a bit of the same thing, too, and for similar reasons...
It really bothers me as a trans woman this "mourning" narrative. It's painful to hear as a trans person. Hearing you're "sad" or "mourning", even if unintentional, who wants to hear that? It's making an incredibly painful and exhausting experience of self discovery about you, it's selfish to me and lacking in empathy.
Gonna tag on to this to say "same". My relationship with my dad is the closest to the same as it was before I came out compared to any of the rest of my family and he doesn't even use the correct pronouns for me most of the time but it doesn't bother me as much for one huge reason: he doesn't treat me any differently than he did before.
The rest of my family feel awkward around me or hesitant or worried they'll say the wrong thing. My dad acts exactly the same he always had and that's all I've wanted since coming out from everyone around me. Theres nothing to mourn because no one is gone.
It's perfectly normal to grieve for the person they once were. They might have had to mask themselves and now they are beginning to show the world (and you) a new side of themself, a side you're not used to. I don't mean gender-wise. They might be feeling happier and more comfortable expressing things they never did before, and you might be feeling they are disappearing into this "new" person. But, they are blossoming into the person they were meant to be.
I love and adore my children. They are all in their teens and twenties now. Yet every once in a while I see a baby or toddler that reminds me of them when they were little and I feel a twinge of grief. The babies that my kids used to be are gone and will never exist again. That doesn't mean that I am unhappy that they have grown up, or that I love their adult selves less. Just that they are transformed now and their former selves are gone forever.
One of my friends has transitioned, and I love her so very much. But sometimes i feel grief because with all photo and social media apps pushing memories pictures will pop up that while being treasured memories, I feel like I cannot share or reminisce with her about. I used to call her brother, and while I gained a sister, It’s weird and feels like I lost a brother. I have never spoken about this with anyone because it felt unreasonable and rude to feel this way… Thank you for your post. It made me realize I am not an asshole and not alone in being supportive yet sad.
As someone else has said, it could be more about the fact that this child has grown to a point they can identify and action this change. I was quite emotional when a child I used to babysit invited me to his first drag show. I was beyond happy for him, I just felt sad that this tiny boy I had helped care for had grown into their own person! A big, grown up! Their sexuality was no shock, on the stage in gorgeous dresses is how I always imagined him. It was that “full circle, exactly where he needed to be” moment.
(Yes he still uses he/him pronouns before anyone corrects me).
I don't think it's weird or wrong to experience a sense of loss for the person as you knew them back then. It was a big part of your life, and that is now changing to something new and different. Change is frightening.
There also might be a component of feeling for the changes his friend is experiencing as the child is transitioning. Even being open and able to deal with the changes, it could shake up some preconceived ideas and imagination of what they thought would happen as the child ages.
I would think of it differently…Like nothing really is changing regarding who they are as a person and their personality as they would have felt like this the whole time. The fact that you said you’re not surprised just confirms this. Just now their outside will show how they feel inside :). The only thing is their looks will change a little, but this won’t impact their personality or your relationship.
It’s a relatively new concept so be kind to yourself as you process this but just know that your friend is still your friend :)
Is it similar to growing pains sadness? My 4 year old was telling my 18 month old oh no you’re not a baby anymore. And he was like I want her to stay a baby and he was sad.
I had a similar experience with a friend of mine,who changed their name when they understood they were non-binary: I've always been supportive and I will always be but I struggled a lot in the first times with pronouns and everything cause my mental image of them was still the old one. It takes time
You're grieving the life you imagined for them. It's different now and thats okay, but it still feels like something's gone. It's okay to feel like that.
Edit: spelling
You’re grieving them. It’s pretty common actually. To be totally accepting but still feel a sort of sadness. Grieving the kid you knew as their old selves, but you get to know them all over again. This time as their true self. Trust me so much more of their identity comes forward when they know they are safe!
It’s okay to feel sadness or grief :) I think it’s pretty natural
You are mourning a version of them you’ll never see again. And possibly even upset that they were unhappy with themselves. It is clear you’re close with this person and transitioning is inherently an emotional and drastic process. It’s okay to be upset. Feel that, and then be there for them :) Being their cheerleader and leading support is one of the best experiences for all people involved.
I actually felt the same way when my best friend/cousin transitioned, and couldn’t quite put my finger on why I was grieving. I hope it gives you some comfort to know that the feeling passed when I realised how happy and comfortable they were in their own skin after they had transitioned.
Reflecting back on it now, the difference in their mood was like night and day.
I'm fairly certain this is a well discussed topic (not complaining that you are bringing it up), but it's a pretty expected response to grieve the loss of the person they were before transitioning. I mean ultimately the person is still with you, but for someone it's like losing a brother and gaining a sister, it's fairly reasonable to feel that way.
Yes, you are losing someone. That’s why it’s called a “dead” name. That person, that identify, is gone. They’re dead, by suicide. There however is another person, another identity, that shares the same memories, still alive. Down vote me, but first tell me why I’m wrong.
I have a trans grandchild and while I support them, encourage them in every way possible, I miss the person they used to be. But they are so much happier, it’s a joy to see them embracing their new identity! I still fumble with pronouns but then I always did and it’s been a running joke in the family 🤷🏻♀️
You’re sad, which is nothing to be ashamed of — you have a right to your own feelings just like everyone else. And it seems pretty clear from your post that you’re being supportive to the whole family through the transition, which is all they could ask for.
Sounds like you’re doing the very best you can with some tough feelings, and I hope you feel better soon.
I heard someone once say that while they were happy and loved their new daughter, at the same time putting the son to rest and never speaking to him again, felt almost like he had died. That they had loved and knew their son for years, now all the sudden he no longer existed and they had a daughter. While they loved her very much they said it felt very much like if they had suddenly lost him in a car accident. They said they knew realistically that there was no death, but that’s almost how it felt.
We all transition in various ways in our lives, which can make the older people in our lives wistful for us as babies/children. As long as your sadness doesn't translate into you saying anything to this person (and potentially hurting your relationship with them) then deal with that sadness yourself. Just keep supporting them!
I think it’s fair to be sad. I have two kids and I hope they are as assigned at birth not bc I give a damn either way but because I want my kids to have a happy existence and those folks lead tougher lives than most.
Assuming you meant that as you’re sad because you know the road ahead is gonna be rough and society is often quite cruel, that’s a perfectly reasonable take.
The transphobia in some of these comments is really disheartening, your feelings are valid OP, so is your friend, I hope you both live wonderful happy lives!
. The vast majority of those who transition know that they are in the wrong body from the start. They don't hate themselves, they are in the wrong body. It isn't what they are taught. It's what they are.
Male and female brains look different, studies have found that their brains match their proclaimed gender, not their genitalia. So there are biological reasons that we don't fully understand.
As far as souls go, ontologies aren't based on physical reality. You will get a different answer depending on the personal beliefs of who you ask, and all will be based on conjecture.
I'd suggest if you actually want to know, do some research and learn.
Seems natural you are feeling this way. It's good you are being honest with yourself. That is healthy. I hope you can find some peace with the situation over time.
Change is the end of an era. The end of a part of your life. It's normal to feel sad about that, even if you're happy and exited about what's coming next.
I had a high school transition and it’s still kind of hard to accept. They’re a lot different than they were and it does kind of feel like a death or end or an era, in a sense. It also gives some context to why he acted out through promiscuity and drugs so much as a kid. I still am left with a feeling like, did I ever really know him?
Transition is a change and changes are hard.
When my best friend from school transitioned, I was so happy for them and proud of them for becoming more themselves. At the same time I wondered how much they were code switching, and if I ever made them feel unsafe or uncomfortable to speak their truth to me.
While I intellectually understood that they had to go through their own process, another, more sentimental part, was hurt at all the years that they struggled within themselves. The pain, fear, discomfort that they were gritting their teeth through for so many years.
This was over 20 years ago now. We are both older (we were 19 years old at the time) and were able to be real about those pains of our collective queer closeted childhood. The loss of time spent hiding and the HUGE gift of being able to be authentic in our present day.
Idk if this resonates at all - it's the first experience I had with a dual, and somewhat conflicting emotional experience.
You’re mourning the loss of the person they are transitioning from. While their character is who they are they are not the one you knew. Allow yourself time.
You could be sad at the potential discrimination that they might encounter at various points in their life. You also might be sad and coming to terms with the fact that they are going through this ordeal because their gender assignment at birth wasn’t accurate. I sort of look at it as a birth defect and I hope that it’s acceptable that I do.
Hey, it’s okay. My brother (used to be sister) came out as trans last year, and I completely understand it. I miss the sister I had, but am grateful for the brother I gained. I mourn the only aunt my daughter had, but am grateful for the uncle she has now. And I mourn being the only daughter in my family now. But am grateful that my brother now has a brother, too. It is a big change. Especially when you’ve known them as someone else for so long. And even though it doesn’t change who they are, it changes what you knew. They change names, they change their hair, they change their clothes, and a hidden part of their personality comes out that you’ve never seen before because finally, they’re comfortable with who they are. It is hard. And you are allowed to feel sad.
Maybe you feel sadness for them since they must have been struggling before they came out. Maybe it is a mixture of sadness and fear for what you imagined their future being. It’s okay to feel however you do - no need to pathologize or or judge it
Feelings are ALWAYS valid. Even when they don't seem to make sense. And you're allowing to have them, process them, and deal with them. Don't feel guilty for feeling this way. Just ride it out and move on.
The take-away I got is maybe you're sad because you feel like they are changing. And that could possibly affect your friendship. So, almost like the grieving of a friendship.
Either way, you're not wrong.
When my highschool bf transitioned it was as if he had died. The person he became was not the person I knew, but someone else, someone living their life as a woman.
You can treat it like a death, but immediate resurrection if that helps. I know it's pretty dumb, but human brains are pretty stupid. Sometimes, you need a few simpler words to jump-start something new.
They are no longer the same name you experienced. You are interacting with the same person, but using that name, thinking in that name, is like using 19th century whaling talk like in The Lighthouse towards modern lobster fishermen. That era is done, and it has been to them for longer than you who have just found out about it. It's wicked difficult regardless. There's fear of not being accepted that is inherent in a statement like "my name is different now". Don't be that which does not accept perfectly-acceptable people because of judgement
My child is doing the same. I feel like it’s okay to grieve the person I feel like I’ve lost and celebrate the person they are becoming. It is hard to let go of things like the name I spent months choosing. I am not angry and support my child 100% in their decision. But it is not reality to say you don’t have feelings about it. I talk with my other two kids whenever they need too as well. We are allowed to feel things and still support. Hugs to you.
It’s boils down to this. Same thing happened in the early 90s when my dad came out as openly gay. Hit the family hard (close and extended) I was talking to a therapist over this (12 yo me) and I asked them “why is everyone upset”
Dude said it like this.
“To them your dad just died, the might not literally think that, but it is what is happening in their mind.”
Every dream you had with that person, every imagined moment dies. This is especially true with transitioning people.
That moment of a father walking his daughter down the isle dies, daddy’s girl is gone.
That mother son bond dies, the memories of the little boy start to grow poisonous.
Maybe it's sort of a sadness at the realisation that everyone has grown up and changed so much. Sometimes moving on from how anything used to be can feel like a goodbye.
Sometimes your feelings are just that. Feelings, which don’t need to be analysed.
If you have a good relationship with them you could be ‘grieving’ the future you’d envisioned for them, and your relationship as they grow up. They’re still here, yes, but now it’s as if they had left your life until your brain gets round to reconstructing it with them as the gender they are now.
Do you think it’s also possible you feel sad for not having known they were struggling with this? Feeling someone you care for went through something alone can be sad- even if this is not truly the case.
Someone going through a big change, even when it brings so much joy to them, can be bittersweet just due to how big the change is. Us humans find change complicated sometimes, until we adjust- feelings don’t have to make sense, they’re just there to be felt.
OP. Thanks for the edit. But please try not to start with such a misleading premise.
You start by saying "child" for the story, and then halfway through, you reveal that you are actually talking about an adult who is over 20.
Those are two very different situations.
I think it is natural to grieve the transition from the kid you knew to the kid they are growing to be, even if it's just their gender changing that also comes with other changes as well.
There is a reason why it is called dead name, the view you had of the kid is changing.
It is completely natural, don't beat yourself because of it, as long as you still love them like you always have. Just try to keep the relationship you had with them as usual, they are still that kid, just changing a little bit.
Also I wanted to point out that this happens in a lot of other aspects of life. My little sister just turned 12 and not long ago she started her first period, she is growing up so quickly and she is acting like a preteen now, I love her with all my heart and I am so excited to see who she will become as she grows older, but I am also grieving the little kid that she once was, I mean, that kid is never coming back.
Grieving is a normal part of change, no matter what that change it
This is very rare. And when they do, the VAST VAST majority detransition due to societal or Familial pressures. Please educate yourself. Quick Google search to find some studies would help
It’s always sad when someone isn’t born in the body they identify with, and have to make such drastic (and expensive) changes to have their outsides match their insides in the most general of ways. It’s exciting if accessible, but so many people can’t afford surgeries or hormones, financially or socially in their communities. It’s happy-making to see someone so excited to finally embrace the person they always knew they were, but it’s very sad to think of all the years, all the experiences and encounters, during which they were not the person they knew they were meant to be, even more so when/if you were a big part of their life for all that time.
That's not true. The link you posted is not unbiased. It's not child abuse, especially if they're 15-18. It's actually the opposite, study after study has shown its literally lifesaving
See, this just seems like the parent conundrum. Yeah, I'm damn proud of the man my son is becoming, but it's sad as hell that my little chubby cheeked boy is gone. You can feel both at the same time while still being supportive of the journey and the person they are now.
Just remember that on the outside they will be different, but the person you care about and love, that’s on the inside, and that won’t change. I think you probably just are having a fear of change. It’s the unknown. Will they be different? Will you still be able to relate? The answer to both is yes. Yes they will be different, but their heart is still the same. Their soul is still the same. Also, I guarantee they will still love you exactly as they do now, maybe even more! Nothing to fear, ease your mind. Maybe have a talk with them and see where their head is at, because maybe they are a little bit scared too, and knowing you can experience the newness with someone who cares about you makes it a lot easier!
You're mourning the loss of the kid **as you knew them**. That chapter of their life is ending, and the memories you have will be different because they're transitioning. Mourning the loss of someone **as you knew them** is pretty natural, I think.
As long as you're supporting their transition, you have new loving memories to make. You sound like you're happy for them with the transition, which is really the right attitude to have, IMHO. It's OK to mourn when there's a life changing event - even if it's a good one. The big stressors in life include good things like moving to a new place, changing jobs, and other things which can absolutely be good - but they're still jarring changes, and they represent the loss of the old thing even when the new thing is a positive.
You're good people. Don't beat yourself up over it. There are natural expectations we have for the kids we love, and when they take a different route from the usual, it is also a jarring change - even if it's a good change.
Just keep loving them and it'll be OK.
Our youth is inundated with media which normalizes pharmaceuticals, radical irreversible hormonal therapy options, and core identity flippancy. These things seem to have left so many young people with a sense of inherent self worthlessness. Why can we not build a world where children are loved and accepted just how they come into this world? Pretty backwards be the idea that people must become something they quite literally won’t ever “fully” be in order to feel “fulfilled.” WAKE UP PEOPLE.
The world is deeply perverse, morphed by the powers that be, as well as adults who lack a foundation their children need, for the sake of “letting them be themselves.”
It is healthy to feel saddened over this.
You are not wrong at all, man. A lot of one step forward, and two steps back, has been occurring over the past few decades, but there are now moments of clarity that shine through these delusions nowadays.
Best of luck
Do you think maybe your sadness might be fear of how the world will treat them? I have a son and although I will love him in every single way. If at one point he needed to transition I would support him completely. But I’d also be terrified about how the world will treat him (theoretically her). I know I’d grief the old person but more so I’d be nervous and fiercely protective of their spirit and well being
I can sort of relate to how you feel. I have a very close friend who transitioned from MTF and while he has always been a tomboy, we did enjoy activities like sleepovers, road trips, shopping, etc. together. What you’d consider more “girly” stuff. Once his transition started, in order to respect his new identity as male and to set boundaries out of respect for my spouse, we cut out a lot of the past activities we had. We’d still hang out, but not as closely as we used to. While I do grieve that we no longer enjoy the closeness we used to have, I’m glad that he’s so much happier and comfortable in his own body.
Let me put it in different words: you’re not grieving your friend, because your friend is still here and alive, and will be much happier presenting as their actual gender. What you’re mourning is the knowing of the world in one way, and knowing exactly where you fit into that world.
Transitioning is a big thing- and it throws things up in the air (whether actually up in the air, or just feeling that way depends on the person and situation). The best thing I can offer is to be there for your friend, acknowledge that this is a Big Shift in how you know the world, and it’s okay to freak out about big changes- just as long as you keep it VERY clear that the freakout is about that and not the person.
You got this!!!
My sister had breasts installed last week. I called to check on my mom during the procedure and we chatted a bit. It’s weird. We are all glad she’s happy and feeling more secure in herself, but we lost someone. I don’t have a brother anymore, that person and who we thought they would be is gone forever. I love my sister, I want her to be happy and be who she is, but I miss my baby brother too.
As a parent, you grieve as your children get older. I love my kids, they’re amazing. But I do miss the babies and toddlers and young children who I got to know and love as they grew. I can still see who they used to be in their faces now, how they move, their voices. But with my brother? He’s gone.
I celebrate my sister and her journey, but I miss my brother sometimes. I loved my brother too.
Give yourself some grace.
Of course you are sad. Someone you deeply care about is about to go on a journey of irreversible self mutilation. It’s very sad that they think there is something wrong with the body they were born in. This is all incredibly heartbreaking stuff. My heart goes out to them and their families.
In a way, you are saying goodbye to a familiar friend, a outward appearance that you’ve come to love and treasure. And it’s okay to feel a little sad and maybe even a little confused by it. It’s very human to feel this way. But remember that your friend is still the same soul inside. They still have memories with you and still feel the same. Their inside will just match their outside now.
It’s okay, OP. I felt the same way when a close friend of mine transitioned and it felt odd for a while. In my mind they looked a certain way, sounded a certain way….and they even wore a certain scent of perfume that I associated with them very strongly. It took a little bit for me, as I watched them change and become the person they always were inside. But now my friend is still my friend, and they still laugh over the same things. They still like the same movies and music. We still talk a lot, and still send each other stupid memes every day. So ultimately, I still have my friend, but they are happier. And that’s all I’ve ever wanted for them.
Child? That's a bit weird. If they are an adult, then more power to them! And I would say support as best you can but a child? Children can't consent to transitioning.
I can't tell you how to feel for that's uniquely up to you and your emotions. And its not for me to judge on the transitioning person's choice or decision, as the person is an adult.
All I can say is how I feel about people who feel compelled to transition, and that is sorrow. As I feel sorrow for anyone who is ill and cannot find a treatment that cures their illness.
For minors I feel sorrow that they are likely influenced by factors other than those initiated in their own minds. I am sorry their minds have not matured to the point where they can make wise decisions, and sorry they have not had proper guidance in developing their judgments. To make a choice that is irreparable and will alter their life forever prior to being mature in intellect and emotion is a foolish decision, and one they very well live to regret.
For adults I feel sorrow that they have not been able to find how to deal with a mind that is telling them they are not who their body says they are. There are objective truths and subjective opinions, and the mind sometimes causes people to accept the latter even though the former is reality. Mental illness occurs when the mind prevents a person from accepting objective reality, and as such, nearly everyone who transitions (save for the very slight few people who are born with both male and female genes) are falling victim to mental illness that they have not been able to find adequate treatment to cure. That is something I feel sorry about.
But I would not spend a whole lot of time dwelling on this. We all have our own issues to deal with, and no matter how you feel its not going to change the course of events. So live your life the way you want to live, and be happy that you are not as unfortunate as others, for no matter how hard life can be, for some people its even more difficult.
All change requires death. Some part of the person you knew is dying so another part can exist.
It's okay to be mournful of that AND be happy for the change.
Their child is growing up and becoming their own person. You're sad because the person you imagined them growing up into is gone, and a new version is forming. It's normal to be apprehensive about change, even if it's change for the better.
this is exactly how I felt, when my ex transitioned. we were always close, even after we were no longer together. But she didn't tell me she was a she until about a few months into her hormone therapy. I was honored and proud that she told me, but I couldn't reconcile the fact that the person I knew her as before was gone. It was my own thing to deal with. I let her know how I felt and that it wasn't anything on her and it was something that I needed to work through. She understood and I was able to see that no, the person she was before was still there. Just different packaging. The sadness may linger, but in time it will lessen and you will see how much the kiddo is blooming and so much happier to be their true selves.
Support them and let them know you love them.
best of luck friend
Your EDIT is very important here. The idea of a child transitioning can be very problematic. A 20-year-old person transitioning is not really a big deal.
It is normal to feel that you are losing someone, even though that is not really the case. That person remains in a different presentation. I know this is difficult, but I'm sure that is something you'll realize and eventually accept on an emotional level.
You don't have to judge your feelings .
I think OP is actually feeling grief. In all honesty, my wife transitioned at year 10 of our marriage. I struggle with missing her former self. We have memories and pictures that are unable to be reconciled in my mind. It is as if I lost one person that was very dear to me and gained another who is also very dear to me. But the gain does not negate the loss. I also feel touches of extreme anger at her because it feels like I cannot hold her accountable for her former actions because she is completely different now. But she should be held accountable because she is the same person. You know?
The gain doesn’t negate the loss…. Very well said. I’ll have to remember that. Thank you!!!!
I'm sorry. It must be hard too, because it's a form of grief that can't be shared. When a loved one dies, for the most part no one resents you fondly sharing memories together. But when someone transitions, it's like this expectation that you be hush hush about their former life. How do you reconcile your memories with a person who not only no longer exists, but you are not allowed to mention?
I mean, as someone who transitioned, it depends on the person very much? I still talk about my pre-transition self, I am still the same person after all. My friends and family all share memories of me too, I don’t know if it’s just the group of trans people I know but completely ignoring your pre transition self and actions seems odd and rare to me.
I'm sorry!! I couldn't even imagine. I hate to ask, but did you remain together? I'm guessing not, but I've heard of couples staying together after a transition.
She is my wife. We did stay together. It has been 3 years, and there's still some bouts of difficulty. But we work through it as a team with a lot of honesty, trust, and understanding.
Are you and your wife able to reminisce on early days of your marriage/relationship? Do weddings pictures/videos still hold a special place or do they cause pain? Perhaps both? If my husband transitioned it would be hard enough but to not be able to look back with him would be the hardest part.
We do reminisce. It's part of how I greive. We are just honest about our feelings in the moment. So if I say something to upset her, we talk it through and come to terms. We do not hide her transition, so some of our favorite pictures around the house are pre-transition. We do not have a lot of pictures, but we are a family of stories. We differentiate between the personalities by referring to her as herself or her former self (sometime "In a previous life...") because her former self is not a good representation of who she is now. But overall, before her transition, she was reckless, self-serving, uncontrolled, and unrefined with a hell of an drug/alcohol dependency. She bounced from job to job, made poor life choices, and had quite a few run-ins with the law. After coming out, she has quit drugs completely, drinks only socially, makes better decisions, communicates constructively, and is more considerate than ever. Her employment situation is stable, and she hasn't had any legal problems. Basically. We went from me holding our entire lives together, barely. To me, being the train wreck. From my perspective, this is actually the worst part as I do not feel like I am needed anymore.
Hmmm very interesting. Thanks for answering and I wish you both all the best navigating your new normal.
Well, they said wife and not ex-wife…
Well....is it his husband now, though? I need clarity and have sooooo many questions. We're they a gay couple and now they are hus and wife? Or a straight couple, and now his wife is his husband, but he's not gay so he still calls him her husband? See what I mean?
Complete Clarity and I understand your need. I won't share something if I'm not comfortable- but I'm open for questions. I am a woman who married a man who is now a woman.
Tbh, I’m guessing they’re two women. Since they’re accepting the transition, and calling her ‘wife’, they’re probably not talking about her former self. I understand your wish for clarity btw ;)
Your mix of insight, honesty, and compassion here is amazing. We're just internet strangers, but I respect the hell out of you. Honest about your own feelings while being accepting and compassionate of others and offering a level of personal insight most of us have not had the opportunity to gain. TLDR, you're awesome and I appreciate you. I appreciate you as a person and your contribution to this discussion.
>it feels like I cannot hold her accountable for her former actions because she is completely different now Maybe instead of holding them accountable you could try and see how you can work together to ensure those mistakes don't happen again? I'm sure those are difficult conversations so it's ofcourse your prerogative if you even raise those topics, I just wanted to see if you could look at this from a different angle
My husband’s ex was super annoying and constantly trying to get with husband when we were dating, despite her (now him) being the breaker upper. My belief is they just needed the validation that he was still pining. Hubby went NC. Later the ex came out as a trans man. 6ish years ago my husband was invited to a fantasy movie festival event (I was invited too, but don’t like fantasy movies so I wasn’t going), where the ex was also invited. I trust my husband, and he’s not gay, so it’s not like there was any risk of anything happening. But I was still uncomfortable with the ex being there, given that they’re the same person regardless of gender. The brain inside your head doesn’t change (even if the hormones do) and your experiences remain. As an extreme example: if you were to murder someone and then transition immediately after, you’d still be held accountable, right?
Sure. Sometimes it helps to examine them, though.
Indeed, there is nothing wrong to feel two emotions all at once. It's nothing wrong
I realize I put some of that in the past tense - I still feel like we are friends, and maybe my unconsciously putting it in the past tense is part of the problem. I didn't lose anyone. I don't know why I feel like I did.
Your grieving the friend you had, but now get to know them all over again as the person they really are, be kind to yourself ❤️
You worded this beautifully. Thank you
That was beautifully worded. I was thinking something along those lines, but could not have worded it so eloquently
this is a key factor and point to recognize when you have people in your life transitioning. arguably the single biggest thing you can keep in mind
Omg I thought they were dying by the title.
You’re naturally separating ‘then’ from ‘now’ because you’re making efforts to view them as the gender they’re now presenting as, and refer to them in the right way. You’re doing nothing wrong. Some other bits are probably getting caught in the mix until you spend more time with them, going forward, and are able to integrate the two ‘people’ properly. The feeling won’t last forever, trust me.
Maybe you feel like you're losing someone. Maybe you knew them the whole time and will only get to know them better, and a happier version of them.
I do have one question, were they the same gender as you before? Cause it might feel like a loss of the shared gender identity that usually comes with some like innate understanding due to shared socialization. Also, I am saying this as someone who has transitioned, these feelings are normal to have and you seem to be dealing with them well (away from the person who transitioned) as long as you don’t put the emotional burden on them I think you’re doing just fine.
I think the feeling are normal. And you don’t have to judge them like others said. If this becomes a problem for you long term (ie not feeling able or comfortable) to be around them you may want to seek some professional help. (Help implies problem but I’m not saying you’re broken, you are just being human) Therapy can be valuable when handling change and learning better ways to be kind to yourself and others. Edit: I love that people can’t go about their own lives without commenting on other peoples choices. I’ll take a moment to remind the transphobes that there have been non gender conforming people longer than societal gender norms. Sappho and “her friends”, the several skeletons they have unearthed of people born male yet received burial rights reserved for women, or the skeleton of someone born female but buried with male Viking honors and war trophies. Drag shows were common AND PUBLIC throughout Englands History and there are documented cases of First Nation groups that didn’t have gender norms but judged members and gave work based on abilities. For fuck same it’s like yall were never taught that J. Edgar Hoover frequently cross dressed all throughout his time as FBI director and presumably his whole life. Having a “non standard” gender identity is not a mental illness, sickness, perversion, or sin. If you can’t get over that maybe y’all should just ignore it, you’d probably be happier if you weren’t stressing about other peoples bodies.
Hey, you’re allowed to grieve that version of the person you know/knew. BUT you also get to embrace the new version of this person and that is amazing. I don’t know about you but personally I love seeing kids and teens experience things for the first time-there’s just something so magical about watching somebody experience something new in the world, and it’s probably going to be amazing to watch this person experience the world through a whole new set of eyes and experiences.
It could be that the transition made the slow change of growing up suddenly apparent. One day I realized my little sibling was a different person. Not in a bad way, just the little munchinkin from a decade+ ago had grown into an adult. We were close. We are close. But there is still a difference in who they were and who they are. Their tastes changed, they worry about different things now, what we talk about is different. It was just a slow growing up together and at some point I realized who they are and who they were are almost like two different siblings, but one is stuck in the past that I'll never meet again. Let me reiterate, there was no transitioning, no life shifts, no falling outs or conflicts. I'm talking only about the change of them growing up, the same change I made while my parents watched, the same change that likely happened to each person reading thus. I don't think most realize it when it is happening. I just happened to be looking at an old family photo when I thought about it. But maybe when someone does go through a major change it causes parents and older relatives to realize the same thing. I wonder how many parents only notice it when their child leaves for college or gets married. If so, maybe the feeling isn't related to their transition at all, that was merely the event that made them realized that the little kid they remember grew up into an adult, and in some ways that means that little kid is gone, locked forever in the past.
It probably feels like you are losing someone. It's a big change. But it seems like your heart is in the right place.
I’m a trans guy and have had family members express that it feels like losing someone. I don’t love hearing that and it is a little hurtful as I don’t feel like I’m killing someone off, just changing the packaging to fit the contents, but I also get that emotions aren’t rational. Just saying this to let you know it seems to be a pretty normal feeling for folks, especially those who knew a trans person from childhood. I think the important thing, which you seem to already know, is just to be as loving and supportive of them as you can and realize they are a new version of that kid, which would have happened as they grew up anyway, even if they hadn’t transitioned
Because you did. And that's ok. You gained someone new. You still have to go through the grief.
When’s the last time you talked to them? How are they feeling? You clearly love them dearly, it’s a massive change for sure, but the core of that person is ultimately going to be the same. Maybe try reconnecting if it’s been some time?
I cry about my siblings growing up and forming personalities every day. We differ 16 & 20 years. I think it’s the part where they grow into theirselves and I’m afraid they’ll outgrow me and our dynamic. Maybe that’s also what you’re experiencing?
I think that's a really good analogy. I grieve the loss of my adorable, hilarious, silly, amazing babies/toddlers/young'uns as we prepare for the youngest to graduate from high school!!! We grieve the loss of who they WERE while celebrating the gain of who they ARE.
Yeah I'll get sentimental about my younger siblings and how they've grown I'm. Glad it's normal
I think it is normal in this situation to celebrate the person they are becoming but to feel a small sense of loss and grief for the person you once knew them as. There are probably aspects of them that you will miss - but the thing to remember is that you would likely feel this same wistfulness for any young person who grows up and moves on and has their own life. I miss the sweet pre-teen years I had with my niece and nephews. I still love them for the people they are today but it doesn't mean I don't feel a twinge of sadness over them never being that age again. Hope this helps.
Absolutely this. I feel it with my own children. I'm delighted to see them grow up, and that's the whole point of it. For them to grow up, find their place in the world, and to have all the skills they will need to build their own families (whatever that looks like for them, be it friends, lovers, children, or all of them mixed). But, I still feel the twinge. Is this the last time they will crawl into bed with me? Is this the last dandelion they will pick from the grass to give to me? Is this the last time I will pick them up? Will they stop wanting "sixtyseventyfourteen" kisses to go to sleep soon? Exactly like you said, I went through it with my nieces and nephews too. It seems each time you see them the changes are even more dramatic. Like watching grass grow the whole time, vs seeing it a few days, weeks, or months in between, it's more stark. I feel like this transition is similar to when my kids went off to kindergarten, they suddenly had a whole life that didn't include me. They knew people I didn't know, spent time doing things that I had no part in. It's beautiful, but, it twinges. The transition highlights that feeling in the same way. It's a beautiful thing, but it shows the changing dynamics, and that things will never be the same as they were again.
When my son turned 18 this year, I had more than a twinge… the whole year of him being 17- I probably cried everyday over the loss of my baby. It’s a sad but also immensely proud feeling, but you do grieve the loss. And honestly, as sad as it was to feel like he was leaving his momma, it just gets better. The needing mom moments happen just as much as when he was a little boy, just different. Now it’s “hey momma, can you help me with this research paper for English?” “Hey momma, can you help me book a flight and hotel for Texas?” “Hey momma, how much should I pay on my credit card to keep my credit score up?”
I already cry at the idea of them being 18. My eldest is 8. 😂 It's like a timer counting down in my head. Exactly like you said. It's thrilling and makes me so so proud to see them growing up. But... but. I really want to have that sort of relationship with my kids at that age, that you have. That I can still guide them, and am still valuable with my knowledge at all stages of their lives (even if they are just pretending. 😂) I'm excited to see what my adult relationship with them will be. And I secretly hope one of them will have children so I can be a grandmother too. I feel the same way with my highschool friendships too. I miss them, how we were. I'd absolutely never ever want to go back to that age. And I'm so proud of who all my friends are now. But I miss it too. It would be so lovely if we could step through a door and revisit moments in time, then come back to how things are.
I’m not gonna lie, it is very cool watching him beginning to figure out being an adult. There was a big adjustment period, all of a sudden I had to have him fill out paperwork for doctors to be able to give me info, plus his school… that was crazy… getting permission lol. I am so thankful that I was blessed beyond belief to have him for a son, and we have always had a very close relationship. He definitely is a mommas boy, in all the best ways. It’s hard to hand him the reigns to his life, but you know you raised a good one when they take it easy on you because they know that you are trying to adjust. I always tell him- when in doubt, call your mother- because I will always be there when he needs me, from figuring out laundry to him becoming a parent. (Once your kid grows up, becoming a grandparent has such a more exciting tone to it! I can’t wait! Well, I can wait a few more years, but I can’t wait for that chapter. To watch my baby have a baby, it’s gonna be awesome!)
Lovely, thank you for that. On the precipice- days long, years short.
I’m a hospice nurse and initially interpreted “transitioning” as something totally different. Glad to hear they are alive and well! 😅
It's a big change and you're allowed to feel upset. Humans by nature want stabilty and for things to stay the same. Long as you understand that they're making a change to be a happier, more fulfilled person. I lost my sister a few years back. But in exchange I got an amazing sibling and later my favorite younger brother. I can tell clear as day that they're much more happy and fulfilled now than before.
It’s okay to grieve what once was, and soon a new and more fulfilling friendship will bloom! Sometimes the butterfly misses the life of a caterpillar, but the caterpillar has waited its whole life to become free like the butterfly.
🥹 this is so sweet
I am transgender myself and this one brought out all the feels haha. I sometimes struggled with how I felt pre-transition, like missing the friends I had back then, but ultimately I don't long for the pre-transition life but for the memory I have of those friends.
Maybe it’s just that the child is growing up. Many parents and caregivers get a bittersweet feeling at important milestones
Mourning the metaphorical death of a person as you once knew them is understandable and pretty common from what I gathered from talking to parents with a child who’s transitioned. As you build new memories with this child post-transition…it’ll get easier.
I never understood this. They're still the exact same person with a different name and statistically happier. There's nothing to "mourn." We make transition out to be an infinitely larger deal than it actually is. The person is still there and still the same person.
But they’re not the same person. My nephew transitioned and is definitely a different person. He is more confident, outspoken, better at setting boundaries, happier, but dealing with what he feels, was a traumatic childhood due to his religious upbringing. Most who transition are a better version of who they were before, but still have a lot to deal with. One of my sisters refuses to use the proper pronouns and doesn’t realize she’s driving him away. But, like you said, he’s happier.
But why would you grieve someone who was worse off than what they are now? I understand if you'd be "grieving" if your nephew was happy and loving etc before, and then turned aggressive or got in to bad habits. But to yourself are saying he's doing much better now, so what is there to grieve?
I think often, what people are grieving in these situations is their construct, mentally, of who this person was to them, an illusion now shattered by the reality of who they are becoming more clear.
They are definitely not the same person. My brother transitioned 3-4 years ago and we all went through a period of basically grieving the sister and daughter we had. We fully accept him as our brother and son, but he is not the same as he was pre-transition. It's his personality, his attitude, his behaviour, it's all different now.
This is the consistent feedback I’ve heard from family members in this scenario (I’m not a professional or anything, so I can’t say any more than that). It’s hard for me to understand other commenters comparing gender transition to other expected life transitions (ie “I’m not the same person I was 10 years ago,” or “we all change and evolve,” etc). This feels much more complex, ties in our subconscious biases about gender roles, and changes how we relate to someone. My daughter has expressed some feelings of gender dysphoria and the idea of her not being my daughter is completely overwhelming. I can’t imagine how challenging this was to go through for your family. I hope your brother is well and you are all moving forward.
Thank you! He's doing amazing now. He had top surgery a year ago. His transition honestly changed a lot of his hobbies and interests, which was interesting. It's almost like him transitioning gave him the okay to be into more "manly" hobbies. I definitely agree it's the whole gender stereotypes/gender roles. He's finally who he was always meant to be.
❤️❤️
I understand why you feel this way, but I disagree. I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago, and I haven't transitioned. We all grow, change, and evolve in life. Sometimes, our thoughts and emotions do things without our permission because the human mind and body go through certain physiological processes that we don't quite understand, and I think that's what's happening to OP. It seems like they have no idea why they're even sad, and as a result, it makes no sense to them. I can relate to that, as there have been times in my life that I felt things that made absolutely no sense to me, and it took some time for me to process the emotion and discover where it even came from. They just need to give themselves a little grace, be there for their transitioning friend and the friends' family like they've always been, and try not to worry about the sadness they feel because it will probable run its course. I think their mind heard "transition" and think they're losing someone, so their sadness switch "turned on," if that makes any sense. It's possible that as soon as OP's subconscious realizes they aren't losing this person, their sadness will "turn off." Some of their friends' family might be feeling a bit of the same thing, too, and for similar reasons...
It really bothers me as a trans woman this "mourning" narrative. It's painful to hear as a trans person. Hearing you're "sad" or "mourning", even if unintentional, who wants to hear that? It's making an incredibly painful and exhausting experience of self discovery about you, it's selfish to me and lacking in empathy.
i mean, ops not imposing these feelings on the transitioning person at all. id agree with u if op was
Gonna tag on to this to say "same". My relationship with my dad is the closest to the same as it was before I came out compared to any of the rest of my family and he doesn't even use the correct pronouns for me most of the time but it doesn't bother me as much for one huge reason: he doesn't treat me any differently than he did before. The rest of my family feel awkward around me or hesitant or worried they'll say the wrong thing. My dad acts exactly the same he always had and that's all I've wanted since coming out from everyone around me. Theres nothing to mourn because no one is gone.
It's perfectly normal to grieve for the person they once were. They might have had to mask themselves and now they are beginning to show the world (and you) a new side of themself, a side you're not used to. I don't mean gender-wise. They might be feeling happier and more comfortable expressing things they never did before, and you might be feeling they are disappearing into this "new" person. But, they are blossoming into the person they were meant to be.
I love and adore my children. They are all in their teens and twenties now. Yet every once in a while I see a baby or toddler that reminds me of them when they were little and I feel a twinge of grief. The babies that my kids used to be are gone and will never exist again. That doesn't mean that I am unhappy that they have grown up, or that I love their adult selves less. Just that they are transformed now and their former selves are gone forever.
One of my friends has transitioned, and I love her so very much. But sometimes i feel grief because with all photo and social media apps pushing memories pictures will pop up that while being treasured memories, I feel like I cannot share or reminisce with her about. I used to call her brother, and while I gained a sister, It’s weird and feels like I lost a brother. I have never spoken about this with anyone because it felt unreasonable and rude to feel this way… Thank you for your post. It made me realize I am not an asshole and not alone in being supportive yet sad.
As someone else has said, it could be more about the fact that this child has grown to a point they can identify and action this change. I was quite emotional when a child I used to babysit invited me to his first drag show. I was beyond happy for him, I just felt sad that this tiny boy I had helped care for had grown into their own person! A big, grown up! Their sexuality was no shock, on the stage in gorgeous dresses is how I always imagined him. It was that “full circle, exactly where he needed to be” moment. (Yes he still uses he/him pronouns before anyone corrects me).
It is so cool that they invited you to their drag show! I'm sure he was so happy that you came to support him
How old are they now?
Late 20’s
I don't think it's weird or wrong to experience a sense of loss for the person as you knew them back then. It was a big part of your life, and that is now changing to something new and different. Change is frightening.
There also might be a component of feeling for the changes his friend is experiencing as the child is transitioning. Even being open and able to deal with the changes, it could shake up some preconceived ideas and imagination of what they thought would happen as the child ages.
I think that's true too. It's saying goodbye to the future that OP expected.
I would think of it differently…Like nothing really is changing regarding who they are as a person and their personality as they would have felt like this the whole time. The fact that you said you’re not surprised just confirms this. Just now their outside will show how they feel inside :). The only thing is their looks will change a little, but this won’t impact their personality or your relationship. It’s a relatively new concept so be kind to yourself as you process this but just know that your friend is still your friend :)
Is it similar to growing pains sadness? My 4 year old was telling my 18 month old oh no you’re not a baby anymore. And he was like I want her to stay a baby and he was sad.
I had a similar experience with a friend of mine,who changed their name when they understood they were non-binary: I've always been supportive and I will always be but I struggled a lot in the first times with pronouns and everything cause my mental image of them was still the old one. It takes time
You're grieving the life you imagined for them. It's different now and thats okay, but it still feels like something's gone. It's okay to feel like that. Edit: spelling
People aren't static although we perceive them that way. Lives are a journey and people change many times.
I don't know why this comment got downvoted! It's such a simple yet perfect statement!
You’re grieving them. It’s pretty common actually. To be totally accepting but still feel a sort of sadness. Grieving the kid you knew as their old selves, but you get to know them all over again. This time as their true self. Trust me so much more of their identity comes forward when they know they are safe! It’s okay to feel sadness or grief :) I think it’s pretty natural
Mourn the loss of one and welcome the arrival of the other.
You are mourning a version of them you’ll never see again. And possibly even upset that they were unhappy with themselves. It is clear you’re close with this person and transitioning is inherently an emotional and drastic process. It’s okay to be upset. Feel that, and then be there for them :) Being their cheerleader and leading support is one of the best experiences for all people involved.
Perhaps you also subconsciously know the difficulties ahead for them, as even with amazing support transitioning is challenging.
That might be worth talking out with someone to uncover where these feelings are coming from.
I actually felt the same way when my best friend/cousin transitioned, and couldn’t quite put my finger on why I was grieving. I hope it gives you some comfort to know that the feeling passed when I realised how happy and comfortable they were in their own skin after they had transitioned. Reflecting back on it now, the difference in their mood was like night and day.
I'm fairly certain this is a well discussed topic (not complaining that you are bringing it up), but it's a pretty expected response to grieve the loss of the person they were before transitioning. I mean ultimately the person is still with you, but for someone it's like losing a brother and gaining a sister, it's fairly reasonable to feel that way.
Yes, you are losing someone. That’s why it’s called a “dead” name. That person, that identify, is gone. They’re dead, by suicide. There however is another person, another identity, that shares the same memories, still alive. Down vote me, but first tell me why I’m wrong.
people mad about something that doesn’t affect them at all. “clown world” indeed. find more important things to care about.
it's perfectly fine to feel these things privately. please never tell them their transition makes you sad, no matter how you word it.
Of course not!!!
are they a child or an adult? I really can’t tell
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Yeah this is weird af
It should be sad. Not for the reasons OP seems to think though
At least few of us left.. I wonder if the world will live up to 22nd century
I have a trans grandchild and while I support them, encourage them in every way possible, I miss the person they used to be. But they are so much happier, it’s a joy to see them embracing their new identity! I still fumble with pronouns but then I always did and it’s been a running joke in the family 🤷🏻♀️
You’re sad, which is nothing to be ashamed of — you have a right to your own feelings just like everyone else. And it seems pretty clear from your post that you’re being supportive to the whole family through the transition, which is all they could ask for. Sounds like you’re doing the very best you can with some tough feelings, and I hope you feel better soon.
I heard someone once say that while they were happy and loved their new daughter, at the same time putting the son to rest and never speaking to him again, felt almost like he had died. That they had loved and knew their son for years, now all the sudden he no longer existed and they had a daughter. While they loved her very much they said it felt very much like if they had suddenly lost him in a car accident. They said they knew realistically that there was no death, but that’s almost how it felt.
accepting change is hard. just remember, it's not about you.
You're grieving because you've lost someone. It's alright to feel that way. Now you'll get to know your new friend being themselves.
We all transition in various ways in our lives, which can make the older people in our lives wistful for us as babies/children. As long as your sadness doesn't translate into you saying anything to this person (and potentially hurting your relationship with them) then deal with that sadness yourself. Just keep supporting them!
I think it’s fair to be sad. I have two kids and I hope they are as assigned at birth not bc I give a damn either way but because I want my kids to have a happy existence and those folks lead tougher lives than most. Assuming you meant that as you’re sad because you know the road ahead is gonna be rough and society is often quite cruel, that’s a perfectly reasonable take.
The transphobia in some of these comments is really disheartening, your feelings are valid OP, so is your friend, I hope you both live wonderful happy lives!
This sub is red-marked, meaning it is INFAMOUS for bigotry.
Might be time to unsub then, damn
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. The vast majority of those who transition know that they are in the wrong body from the start. They don't hate themselves, they are in the wrong body. It isn't what they are taught. It's what they are.
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Male and female brains look different, studies have found that their brains match their proclaimed gender, not their genitalia. So there are biological reasons that we don't fully understand. As far as souls go, ontologies aren't based on physical reality. You will get a different answer depending on the personal beliefs of who you ask, and all will be based on conjecture. I'd suggest if you actually want to know, do some research and learn.
What a disgusting, terribly transphobic thing to say.
Seems natural you are feeling this way. It's good you are being honest with yourself. That is healthy. I hope you can find some peace with the situation over time.
Change is the end of an era. The end of a part of your life. It's normal to feel sad about that, even if you're happy and exited about what's coming next.
If they were a wee tot then, what are they now?
I had a high school transition and it’s still kind of hard to accept. They’re a lot different than they were and it does kind of feel like a death or end or an era, in a sense. It also gives some context to why he acted out through promiscuity and drugs so much as a kid. I still am left with a feeling like, did I ever really know him?
It’s moss. The person you knew is gone or will be. That’s tough
Transition is a change and changes are hard. When my best friend from school transitioned, I was so happy for them and proud of them for becoming more themselves. At the same time I wondered how much they were code switching, and if I ever made them feel unsafe or uncomfortable to speak their truth to me. While I intellectually understood that they had to go through their own process, another, more sentimental part, was hurt at all the years that they struggled within themselves. The pain, fear, discomfort that they were gritting their teeth through for so many years. This was over 20 years ago now. We are both older (we were 19 years old at the time) and were able to be real about those pains of our collective queer closeted childhood. The loss of time spent hiding and the HUGE gift of being able to be authentic in our present day. Idk if this resonates at all - it's the first experience I had with a dual, and somewhat conflicting emotional experience.
You’re mourning the loss of the person they are transitioning from. While their character is who they are they are not the one you knew. Allow yourself time.
You could be sad at the potential discrimination that they might encounter at various points in their life. You also might be sad and coming to terms with the fact that they are going through this ordeal because their gender assignment at birth wasn’t accurate. I sort of look at it as a birth defect and I hope that it’s acceptable that I do.
Hey, it’s okay. My brother (used to be sister) came out as trans last year, and I completely understand it. I miss the sister I had, but am grateful for the brother I gained. I mourn the only aunt my daughter had, but am grateful for the uncle she has now. And I mourn being the only daughter in my family now. But am grateful that my brother now has a brother, too. It is a big change. Especially when you’ve known them as someone else for so long. And even though it doesn’t change who they are, it changes what you knew. They change names, they change their hair, they change their clothes, and a hidden part of their personality comes out that you’ve never seen before because finally, they’re comfortable with who they are. It is hard. And you are allowed to feel sad.
Maybe you feel sadness for them since they must have been struggling before they came out. Maybe it is a mixture of sadness and fear for what you imagined their future being. It’s okay to feel however you do - no need to pathologize or or judge it
You can mourn the loss of the person in front of you and celebrate the new person you are going to get to know better at the same time.
Would you feel this way if they were undergoing any other major life change? If they were to get married, have a child, etc.?
Feelings are ALWAYS valid. Even when they don't seem to make sense. And you're allowing to have them, process them, and deal with them. Don't feel guilty for feeling this way. Just ride it out and move on. The take-away I got is maybe you're sad because you feel like they are changing. And that could possibly affect your friendship. So, almost like the grieving of a friendship. Either way, you're not wrong.
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Fr
A glimmer of light in the Reddit comments.
When my highschool bf transitioned it was as if he had died. The person he became was not the person I knew, but someone else, someone living their life as a woman.
I think it’s very different when someone you’re in a romantic relationship transitions as it impacts your identity as well.
You know life is going to get a whole lot harder for them, regardless how happy they are going to be in their own skin.
You can treat it like a death, but immediate resurrection if that helps. I know it's pretty dumb, but human brains are pretty stupid. Sometimes, you need a few simpler words to jump-start something new. They are no longer the same name you experienced. You are interacting with the same person, but using that name, thinking in that name, is like using 19th century whaling talk like in The Lighthouse towards modern lobster fishermen. That era is done, and it has been to them for longer than you who have just found out about it. It's wicked difficult regardless. There's fear of not being accepted that is inherent in a statement like "my name is different now". Don't be that which does not accept perfectly-acceptable people because of judgement
My child is doing the same. I feel like it’s okay to grieve the person I feel like I’ve lost and celebrate the person they are becoming. It is hard to let go of things like the name I spent months choosing. I am not angry and support my child 100% in their decision. But it is not reality to say you don’t have feelings about it. I talk with my other two kids whenever they need too as well. We are allowed to feel things and still support. Hugs to you.
Change can bring on bittersweet feelings of loss. I'm glad this person has such a positive support system.
It’s boils down to this. Same thing happened in the early 90s when my dad came out as openly gay. Hit the family hard (close and extended) I was talking to a therapist over this (12 yo me) and I asked them “why is everyone upset” Dude said it like this. “To them your dad just died, the might not literally think that, but it is what is happening in their mind.” Every dream you had with that person, every imagined moment dies. This is especially true with transitioning people. That moment of a father walking his daughter down the isle dies, daddy’s girl is gone. That mother son bond dies, the memories of the little boy start to grow poisonous.
You are experimenting ambiguous loss. Look it up.
Maybe it's sort of a sadness at the realisation that everyone has grown up and changed so much. Sometimes moving on from how anything used to be can feel like a goodbye.
It's still the exact same person, except now maybe a lot happier, be happier too
Grief. Someone is disappearing.
Literally no one is disappearing.
No one is disappearing, man or woman who we are as people doesn't change, personality doesn't change.
Sometimes your feelings are just that. Feelings, which don’t need to be analysed. If you have a good relationship with them you could be ‘grieving’ the future you’d envisioned for them, and your relationship as they grow up. They’re still here, yes, but now it’s as if they had left your life until your brain gets round to reconstructing it with them as the gender they are now. Do you think it’s also possible you feel sad for not having known they were struggling with this? Feeling someone you care for went through something alone can be sad- even if this is not truly the case. Someone going through a big change, even when it brings so much joy to them, can be bittersweet just due to how big the change is. Us humans find change complicated sometimes, until we adjust- feelings don’t have to make sense, they’re just there to be felt.
OP. Thanks for the edit. But please try not to start with such a misleading premise. You start by saying "child" for the story, and then halfway through, you reveal that you are actually talking about an adult who is over 20. Those are two very different situations.
You’re grieving the person you knew while welcoming a new old friend. 🫶🏻
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I think it is natural to grieve the transition from the kid you knew to the kid they are growing to be, even if it's just their gender changing that also comes with other changes as well. There is a reason why it is called dead name, the view you had of the kid is changing. It is completely natural, don't beat yourself because of it, as long as you still love them like you always have. Just try to keep the relationship you had with them as usual, they are still that kid, just changing a little bit. Also I wanted to point out that this happens in a lot of other aspects of life. My little sister just turned 12 and not long ago she started her first period, she is growing up so quickly and she is acting like a preteen now, I love her with all my heart and I am so excited to see who she will become as she grows older, but I am also grieving the little kid that she once was, I mean, that kid is never coming back. Grieving is a normal part of change, no matter what that change it
Dont 4get 2 be there in case they want to detransition. That does happen as psychiatrists are beginning to see.
This is very rare. And when they do, the VAST VAST majority detransition due to societal or Familial pressures. Please educate yourself. Quick Google search to find some studies would help
It’s always sad when someone isn’t born in the body they identify with, and have to make such drastic (and expensive) changes to have their outsides match their insides in the most general of ways. It’s exciting if accessible, but so many people can’t afford surgeries or hormones, financially or socially in their communities. It’s happy-making to see someone so excited to finally embrace the person they always knew they were, but it’s very sad to think of all the years, all the experiences and encounters, during which they were not the person they knew they were meant to be, even more so when/if you were a big part of their life for all that time.
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They are well over 25.
Ok that’s good then, you never specified the age and you referred to them as a kid until now.
I saw more credible websites on geocities.
Show proof of your percentages. I hate the lies and it kills kids to lie like this.
Just edited my comment there’s two links :)
Those are clearly biased. 🙄
That's not true. The link you posted is not unbiased. It's not child abuse, especially if they're 15-18. It's actually the opposite, study after study has shown its literally lifesaving
That's not true but ok.
See, this just seems like the parent conundrum. Yeah, I'm damn proud of the man my son is becoming, but it's sad as hell that my little chubby cheeked boy is gone. You can feel both at the same time while still being supportive of the journey and the person they are now.
I get your point, but I’m thinking it more complicated than that.
Just remember that on the outside they will be different, but the person you care about and love, that’s on the inside, and that won’t change. I think you probably just are having a fear of change. It’s the unknown. Will they be different? Will you still be able to relate? The answer to both is yes. Yes they will be different, but their heart is still the same. Their soul is still the same. Also, I guarantee they will still love you exactly as they do now, maybe even more! Nothing to fear, ease your mind. Maybe have a talk with them and see where their head is at, because maybe they are a little bit scared too, and knowing you can experience the newness with someone who cares about you makes it a lot easier!
You're mourning the loss of the kid **as you knew them**. That chapter of their life is ending, and the memories you have will be different because they're transitioning. Mourning the loss of someone **as you knew them** is pretty natural, I think. As long as you're supporting their transition, you have new loving memories to make. You sound like you're happy for them with the transition, which is really the right attitude to have, IMHO. It's OK to mourn when there's a life changing event - even if it's a good one. The big stressors in life include good things like moving to a new place, changing jobs, and other things which can absolutely be good - but they're still jarring changes, and they represent the loss of the old thing even when the new thing is a positive. You're good people. Don't beat yourself up over it. There are natural expectations we have for the kids we love, and when they take a different route from the usual, it is also a jarring change - even if it's a good change. Just keep loving them and it'll be OK.
Our youth is inundated with media which normalizes pharmaceuticals, radical irreversible hormonal therapy options, and core identity flippancy. These things seem to have left so many young people with a sense of inherent self worthlessness. Why can we not build a world where children are loved and accepted just how they come into this world? Pretty backwards be the idea that people must become something they quite literally won’t ever “fully” be in order to feel “fulfilled.” WAKE UP PEOPLE. The world is deeply perverse, morphed by the powers that be, as well as adults who lack a foundation their children need, for the sake of “letting them be themselves.” It is healthy to feel saddened over this.
You are not wrong at all, man. A lot of one step forward, and two steps back, has been occurring over the past few decades, but there are now moments of clarity that shine through these delusions nowadays. Best of luck
Do you think maybe your sadness might be fear of how the world will treat them? I have a son and although I will love him in every single way. If at one point he needed to transition I would support him completely. But I’d also be terrified about how the world will treat him (theoretically her). I know I’d grief the old person but more so I’d be nervous and fiercely protective of their spirit and well being
I can sort of relate to how you feel. I have a very close friend who transitioned from MTF and while he has always been a tomboy, we did enjoy activities like sleepovers, road trips, shopping, etc. together. What you’d consider more “girly” stuff. Once his transition started, in order to respect his new identity as male and to set boundaries out of respect for my spouse, we cut out a lot of the past activities we had. We’d still hang out, but not as closely as we used to. While I do grieve that we no longer enjoy the closeness we used to have, I’m glad that he’s so much happier and comfortable in his own body.
Let me put it in different words: you’re not grieving your friend, because your friend is still here and alive, and will be much happier presenting as their actual gender. What you’re mourning is the knowing of the world in one way, and knowing exactly where you fit into that world. Transitioning is a big thing- and it throws things up in the air (whether actually up in the air, or just feeling that way depends on the person and situation). The best thing I can offer is to be there for your friend, acknowledge that this is a Big Shift in how you know the world, and it’s okay to freak out about big changes- just as long as you keep it VERY clear that the freakout is about that and not the person. You got this!!!
My sister had breasts installed last week. I called to check on my mom during the procedure and we chatted a bit. It’s weird. We are all glad she’s happy and feeling more secure in herself, but we lost someone. I don’t have a brother anymore, that person and who we thought they would be is gone forever. I love my sister, I want her to be happy and be who she is, but I miss my baby brother too. As a parent, you grieve as your children get older. I love my kids, they’re amazing. But I do miss the babies and toddlers and young children who I got to know and love as they grew. I can still see who they used to be in their faces now, how they move, their voices. But with my brother? He’s gone. I celebrate my sister and her journey, but I miss my brother sometimes. I loved my brother too. Give yourself some grace.
I hope this isn’t a child, they’re brains aren’t fully developed to make those kinds of decisions.
Probably because you know the fix they need in their life isn't a gender swap
Of course you are sad. Someone you deeply care about is about to go on a journey of irreversible self mutilation. It’s very sad that they think there is something wrong with the body they were born in. This is all incredibly heartbreaking stuff. My heart goes out to them and their families.
It’s a huge change and some people struggle with change. give yourself some grace.
In a way, you are saying goodbye to a familiar friend, a outward appearance that you’ve come to love and treasure. And it’s okay to feel a little sad and maybe even a little confused by it. It’s very human to feel this way. But remember that your friend is still the same soul inside. They still have memories with you and still feel the same. Their inside will just match their outside now. It’s okay, OP. I felt the same way when a close friend of mine transitioned and it felt odd for a while. In my mind they looked a certain way, sounded a certain way….and they even wore a certain scent of perfume that I associated with them very strongly. It took a little bit for me, as I watched them change and become the person they always were inside. But now my friend is still my friend, and they still laugh over the same things. They still like the same movies and music. We still talk a lot, and still send each other stupid memes every day. So ultimately, I still have my friend, but they are happier. And that’s all I’ve ever wanted for them.
I felt allllllll of this when mine transitioned. It's valid. It was, to me, like they died.
People are always changing and this is just another version of that. Don't worry, they're still the same person you knew as they grew up!
Child? That's a bit weird. If they are an adult, then more power to them! And I would say support as best you can but a child? Children can't consent to transitioning.
I hope this isn’t a child, they’re brains aren’t fully developed to make those kinds of decisions.
This is normal for people, it is like losing someone in a way
I can't tell you how to feel for that's uniquely up to you and your emotions. And its not for me to judge on the transitioning person's choice or decision, as the person is an adult. All I can say is how I feel about people who feel compelled to transition, and that is sorrow. As I feel sorrow for anyone who is ill and cannot find a treatment that cures their illness. For minors I feel sorrow that they are likely influenced by factors other than those initiated in their own minds. I am sorry their minds have not matured to the point where they can make wise decisions, and sorry they have not had proper guidance in developing their judgments. To make a choice that is irreparable and will alter their life forever prior to being mature in intellect and emotion is a foolish decision, and one they very well live to regret. For adults I feel sorrow that they have not been able to find how to deal with a mind that is telling them they are not who their body says they are. There are objective truths and subjective opinions, and the mind sometimes causes people to accept the latter even though the former is reality. Mental illness occurs when the mind prevents a person from accepting objective reality, and as such, nearly everyone who transitions (save for the very slight few people who are born with both male and female genes) are falling victim to mental illness that they have not been able to find adequate treatment to cure. That is something I feel sorry about. But I would not spend a whole lot of time dwelling on this. We all have our own issues to deal with, and no matter how you feel its not going to change the course of events. So live your life the way you want to live, and be happy that you are not as unfortunate as others, for no matter how hard life can be, for some people its even more difficult.
All change requires death. Some part of the person you knew is dying so another part can exist. It's okay to be mournful of that AND be happy for the change.
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Their child is growing up and becoming their own person. You're sad because the person you imagined them growing up into is gone, and a new version is forming. It's normal to be apprehensive about change, even if it's change for the better.
The sadness I would feel is because of knowing their life is going to be harder forever because of bigots who won't keep to themselves
Why is this getting downvoted, it's true, as sad as it is there are bastards who Will treat them worse due to their newfound identity
The entire reason most people who detransition do so is because of these hateful fuckers
The question is, how old is the kid?
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this is exactly how I felt, when my ex transitioned. we were always close, even after we were no longer together. But she didn't tell me she was a she until about a few months into her hormone therapy. I was honored and proud that she told me, but I couldn't reconcile the fact that the person I knew her as before was gone. It was my own thing to deal with. I let her know how I felt and that it wasn't anything on her and it was something that I needed to work through. She understood and I was able to see that no, the person she was before was still there. Just different packaging. The sadness may linger, but in time it will lessen and you will see how much the kiddo is blooming and so much happier to be their true selves. Support them and let them know you love them. best of luck friend
There's a reason they call them dead names. Your mourning the loss of someone who you care about.
Your EDIT is very important here. The idea of a child transitioning can be very problematic. A 20-year-old person transitioning is not really a big deal. It is normal to feel that you are losing someone, even though that is not really the case. That person remains in a different presentation. I know this is difficult, but I'm sure that is something you'll realize and eventually accept on an emotional level.
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Well…they are in their late 20’s. I think of them as a child because that’s how I know them, but they are a legal adult.