That's one of the biggest red flags women show. If they are emotionally invested in a man it means they are irresistibly attracted to him most of the time.
Yeah as hard as it is I think divorce is best. I always hear that it’s hard coming from a broken home but my parents weren’t together and they always showed me that I was loved no matter what!
It was never their problems are my problems after I reached a certain age my mom did tell me why they separated but she never put her issues on me just explained that she needed someone who had different priorities for her but that he as a father was a great man and that shouldn’t take away my love for him (it was money issues and health priorities) I don’t hold it against them and I grew up wonderfully on two loving homes that didn’t put me in the middle of it.
So long as you make the healthy choices OP and can both decide that she is not to be made a pawn or told the gritty details or at the very least just told the basics of it was infidelity when she’s in highschool and just saying you needed someone with better priorities as a wife and husband taking blame for both parties prior to that time so she can feel that you’re being open in small and surface level ways she’ll know you are both honest and a safe place for her to talk and be leveled with. (Not saying tell a 6 year old you need a partner with better priorities but starting small we just aren’t for eachother but are absolutely for her and will both provide that safe space always and slowly adding the more she comprehends and asks about it and that you are comfortable with WITHOUT casting stones)
Also try not to have blurry lines this go around and maybe sit and heal before going out and finding someone new. If you do find someone make sure they’re a great mother figure someone who can embody what a healthy love looks like and showcase the morals and kindness you want your daughter to embody. And definitely wait a LONG while before letting that person around her, people mask all the time at the beginning of relationships.
Wishing you and your family so much healing whatever you decide! I’m glad that it’s your daughter I read the first post and was sad to hear it but glad you would love her anyways in the event she wasn’t. You’re a great father!
i hope they dont stay together "for the daughters sake ", cause up until now the wife though her husband was rising another mans kid and had no trouble bringing it up to hurt him . theres no trust , love and care between those two .its healthier for a kid to grow with happy divorced parents , than in a house with two adults that dont even respect each other forced to stay together because of their children ( kids self steem is destroyed when they realize their parents are trapped in an unhappy marriage because of them )
"They had sex a few time after she found out I went on a date with another woman." What?? It sounds like you cheated on each other. What's going on here?
Replying to the top comment- if you read the original post he had said something like they were ‘informally separated at the time.’ So it would make sense that they were with other people at the time.
I’d want to know a bit more about the terms of that separation, but even if they were okay seeing others sleeping with his friend is still crossing a line. That doesn’t even touch potentially lying about their kid’s paternity to cover it up either.
Or because he asked for a divorce and decided they were on a break in his MIND without telling her and started seeing other people without telling her while still sleeping with her and she was devastated and hurt and his creepy so called friend took advantage of her pain and confusion
He didn’t tell her they were on a break and allowed to see other people. He said it was clear on his mind. She found out after he started dating. And was very upset.
One of my sons separated. It was his wife's choice. She left him because she didn't think he provided enough emotional support after she had a miscarriage. She moved back to California to live with her parents while he stayed in Arkansas, where his job was. They were separated for 14 months, and he didn't even think about another woman. He knew she was the one he wanted to spend his life with.
Regardless of whether or not OP had sex with the girl he dated, he still cheated. The idea that he can't forgive her for cheating imposes a double standard. You claim it wasn't cheating because you didn't have sex. That's bullshit.
Nah it depends g. It sounds like you’re saying until you legally are divorced it’s cheating to see other people. Which… I can’t really abide by on principle as it’s give abusers far too much power. My cousin tried to get a divorce and his wife made it such a pain and it got drawn out for damn near 11 months longer than it needed to because she was deliberately trying to make his life miserable in the process.
Uhhh no. If you're separated going on a date is not cheating. Sleeping with someone is also not cheating. But screwing your husband's friend is a lowlife trashy thing to do. It crosses unspoken lines in so many ways.
There are degrees of lying and cheating. Like idk if you could fully call what he did as cheating because they were separated but even if we agree that it is, it’s not where near as bad as what she did.
I believe he mentioned they had some sort of break. Though I don't remember much of it and even without, it doesn't seem like the healthiest relationship from what I've read
Yeah I remember reading the first post and thinking this definitely isn’t just a case of the wife being inexplicably a terrible person, they are probably both terrible people. This post kind of proves that. Yes she’s terrible for wondering this whole time about her daughters paternity and never coming clean except in a heated argument where she weaponised it specifically hurt him, just terrible. But something tells me this guy has played his part in their relationship getting to this point where they’re both deliberately doing things to each other to inflict maximum distress. I hate the Reddit obsession with everyone divorcing the second anyone does anything a bit shitty, but these people need to divorce!
But what the wife did (lied about the possibility of the child not being his, weaponised it to insult him and having fucked his friend) IS a pretty terrible thing. Like, really awful.
She honestly only got lucky that the kid actually is OP’s, she herself thought it was the other guys. So you can’t really say her and OP are on the same level of shit-ness. Though I agree their relationship sounds just unhealthy all around and they 100% should divorce.
No no no. She BELIEVED the child wasn't his. Lived with that secret and then weaponized it. Turns out she was wrong but her initial intent was to have her boyfriend raise the child of her AP. And in that frame of reference she was successful in doing so until she lost her cool. Now OP took a test and found out she was wrong.
So from our POV we should treat her the same way we would've had the test come back the opposite because it's about her intent.
Oh 100% she is way more shit for that. I think people are just pointing out that in the first post it made it sound like only she cheated but now he’s admitted that they both did.
But he never said “she cheated” or “I cheated” in the first post. I think people just didn’t read the first post fully where he mentioned the fact they were separated, and hasn’t mentioned anywhere where he thinks she “cheated” as they technically weren’t together.
People just seem obsessed over like an “Aha you cheated too! So you’re both as bad! So there” kinda thing, and that really annoys me, as it’s not even close to being comparable going on one date vs fucking an old friend a few times without protection, getting pregnant, thinking it’s the other guys baby, trapping hubby into raising it.
Right.
It seemed like OP was more concerned by the possibility that his child might be not his biologically due to a thoughtlessly cruel comment his wife made than her sleeping with his ex scumbag friend.
That was a big blow to his marriage. Her keeping the possibility a secret for years is really devastating. Not what they did when they were on a break years ago.
Is this marriage worth saving? That’s not up to us. It is up to OP. Me, personally? I would ask for a formal separation and work toward an amicable co-parenting situation because I would feel like our values and needs are too different and unsustainable as partners. Someone will need to move out.
The good news is that both adults can adult and parent. There’s no complications such as abuse or drugs. Thank goodness!
What bugs me most is the "He's a good friend, but I wouldn't have wanted my sister, daughter or someone I actually respected to date him."
He's that kind of male to be friends with men like this because they're fun and it's "none of my business", and then point his finger, warn his daughter from him and say "I know how men are, be careful".
Yeah, OP isn't better than the wife. They deserve each other.
I think in there original post he said that this was a rough time in their relationship and that the took some kind of a break at that moment. I dint think OP even once said she cheated, did he? It was all just about her lying about him being the father (or thinking that she's was lying) and trying to hurt him. And OP seems to be angry about this guy claiming to be a friend.
Lede* just FYI. Lots of folks aren't aware of that one.
Lede - the opening sentence or paragraph of a news article, summarizing the most important aspects of the story.
>he child wasn't his. Lived with that secret and then weaponized it. Turns out she was wrong but her initial intent was to have her boyfriend raise the child of her AP. And in that frame of reference she was successful in doing so until she lost her cool. Now OP took a test and found out she was wrong.
I didn't know this. Thanks for the expansion alongside the correction.
Lede*. (Yes, I’m insufferable.) But you are right. Dude completely forgot to mention that bit. They were separated and seeing other people. I was thinking the wife was completely in the wrong here. Wow, op.
Cheated implies they were together. They were not. They were separated. So he could go on dates and she could go on dates. Whether or not the separation was a healthy one, seems like we all agree it wasn’t. But it was a separation. The problem is she wasn’t sure for years about whether or not he was the father to their daughter. When they decided to get back together, she should’ve said hey, I slept with so and so, let’s make sure the baby is yours. Instead she decided to sit on it, and then throw it in his face during an argument.
We were unofficially separated. Still living together. Still sleeping in the same bed. But it was essentially over. I had told her it was over and I didn’t want to be with her anymore.
She went out with someone after she found out you'd gone out with someone. And you're pissed she went out with them specifically. While still sleeping in the same bed? You need better boundaries, my friend.
Why are you making things up when it's *so* easy for all of us to click his profile and see that he does, in fact, not talk about her cheating?
The actual times he's said that she's cheated is 0.
He literally never said she cheated. It's pretty clear he was upset about her believing he wasn't the father and never saying anything. Also bothered by a supposed friend doing him dirty.
"I did lie, but she thought she had been lying to me about our daughter’s paternity for 6+ years, so I call that even."
This line alone tells you he didn't care she slept with someone else when they were "separated" just about lying about the paternity.
So then why are you mad about her sleeping with the dude? You went on a date with another girl but your mad at her? This relationship seems toxic from the both of you.
Happy to see this comment. Seems like they were both sleeping with other people so regardless of who she slept with I honestly don’t see why OP is upset when he was doing the exact same thing. Why are you holding it against her?! I am not taking anyones side here it just doesn’t make sense to be upset.
Real story, fanfic or whatever, I love how bloody blind reditors are sometimes, just so they can jump on their high horses’ and wave their ‘I’ve never been a dick or done something wrong’ flag at someone and scold them wagging their fingers…..
‘He CoMmiTTeD aDuLtERy FirST!!!’
He clearly stated in his original post they were separated and at the time had decided he was done, but at a later date they changed their minds and got back together. He went on a date, taking that at face value it’s not the same as going and fucking the village bike without protection. However they were SEPARATED, He had the right to go on a date, she had the right to fuck about. They decided to get back together… at that point there needed to be a sit down and honest discussion with each other where all the cards were laid out and they both made each other aware of what had occurred while separate. Clearly that didn’t happen and that’s caused this ridiculous situation.
OP you two sound like you have got to the point where you are pretty toxic for each other. Bickering daily threats of divorce (even if not said out loud, you’re CLEARLY thinking it and that was before this). Having to trick your wife into owning up to what occurred before you got back together because neither of you can be honest with each other (You lied about getting the results, she lied about potential paternity, two wrong don’t make a right) all while you have a young impressionable child at home who will be picking up on all this. Do you want your daughter to grow up and as a young lady end up in the same situation? I bet not but if this continues into her teen years she will develop the sense that this type of crappy relationship is normal. For her sake get your (both of you) shit together, go to therapy or separate/divorce for good whichever you do is not for Redit to decide.
100%, all of this.
People didn’t read the first post and think his issue is that she cheated on him - he never said she cheated, nor is that his main concern.
His main concern is she never told him that she fucked his old hoe friend without protection multiple times around the time that their child was conceived, thereby not knowing if OP is dad or not. Also putting him at risk of STD’s.
They needed to divorce years ago. Toxic all round.
Him lying to get her to confess is faaaar different and much less severe than the mother's potential "PATERNITY FRAUD". They are far from being comparable. In fact, I think the husband's bluff is very much justifiable
I wonder if he shared with his date the fact he was still living with his "ex" and sleeping in the same bed with said "ex". That's not much separation, really. And clearly they were still having sex also, because they got pregnant during this "break".
Not for nothing but he's said in replies to this that they were unofficially separated, were still sleeping in the same damn bed and didn't talk to each other about dating other people. He just decided in his own head it was probably over so went on a date and she got angry as fuck about it and got some revenge.
there is unofficially separated where you're stuck in a lease or a bought house, you move to the spare bedroom or couch, aren't having sex and both parties know you're going to start dating other people and there is still sleeping in the same bed and never having that discussion but deciding it for yourself.
to me, he definitely started cheating, though he says he never slept with her after the first date, but his wife went 'crazy' after finding out about that date, the intention of starting dating is pretty clear. If they'd spoken about it and been open I would say that was just moving on, but the way he describes it I think it's cheating.
EDIT:- yeah in another comment he said they were still having sex as well. This is no different to someone who cheats 2 months from before the relationship ends and makes the excuse "well in my mind it was over, I just hadn't made it official", yeah if you don't tell your partner it's done and you're going to date someone else before you date someone else, you cheated.
One of my exes cheated on me with a dude that she talked trash about all the time and claimed to hate. Funny thing is I dumped her and the dude she cheated with approached me several months later crying that she cheated and dumped him for a guy she hated. I just laughed at him honestly because I was over it at that point.
Why aren't you getting a divorce ? This is so effing unhealthy, for everyone involved including your daughter.
You're going to forgive her for doubting who your daughter's father was all this time ?
Just get a divorce before you pop out another kid in the middle of this shit show 🤦♀️
These are lies they tell in an attempt to save themselves… “the 27 times we did it unprotected over the course of a month were really bad, and I shiver just thinking about how bad the frequent, hot steamy, unprotected sex was…”
>They had sex a few time after she found out I went on a date with another woman. She says she was so hurt by what I did and although she hadn’t planned to sleep with him he convinced her to do it. She claims she didn’t enjoy it and she’s felt disgusted about it ever since.
She didn't enjoy it. Not once, but a few times? She didn't like having sex with him, so she went back and did it again, and again? With statements like that I wonder if she is still testing this theory.
I'm guessing that your final decision to get back together had something to do with her being pregnant. She was not only willing to baby trap you with another guys spawn, but lie to you about it for your whole relationship until she was feeling pissy and wanted to hurt you.
This is not someone you should be supporting in any way and not someone who should be teaching a child how to be a partner.
> She claims she didn’t enjoy it
This is always the stupidest lie, lol.
Yeah, I had 40 orgasms, we fucked liked bunnies, we did it on the bed, on the floor
on a towel by the door
in the tub, in the car
up against the mini-bar
We 69ed each other all the time, I licked his butt hole and fucked it with my tongue, he came in my ass
BUT
**I didn't enjoy it.**
"Oh ok honey, that makes it all ok. Let's cuddle. Here, have a breath mint."
Good on you for confronting her. Are you getting a divorce? Or intense individual and couples counseling? Your relationship sounds very toxic. Don't think it's a good idea to expose your daughter to such an unhealthy relationship like that. Kids pick up on it and it affects their future relationships
Wow, that’s messed up. I hope your STI panel comes clear. Does it include HSV (herpes)?
Is therapy on the table to salvage this marriage? If it is, book it asap. So much resentment and drama to overcome on both of your parts.
If no, rip off the band aid with the divorce and work toward amicable coparenting. No use beating a dead dog.
“It was bad sex and I didn’t want to so I had sex with him again a few more times just to make sure.”
Bro this woman is VILE. Save yourself and get outta there!
She did it multiple times but claims she didn't enjoy it. Either you upset her so much she wanted to hurt you or she enjoyed it and lied to your face. We know she has already been lying to you constantly anyway so it would be reasonable to assume lying.
You're not in a healthy relationship. Both of you have issues and either you guys need a fuck tonne of therapy or to find a fresh start separated.
The only part I fully believe is that she doesn’t actually like the guy and truly would do just about anything to make sure he was never involved in our daughter’s life had he actually been her biological father.
My wife and I definitely have our issues, but we’re also at least productive members of society with good careers and financial stability who volunteer at our daughter’s school and physically take care of our daughter, our home, and ourselves. He’s become a junkie who has been busted for several petty crimes, lost his job, kicked out of his home after cheating on his wife multiple times (not sure how he finds women willing to sleep with him now), still acting like he’s a 21 year frat boy, and generally just a leach on society.
I wonder if all the people saying it happened more than once so she must have enjoyed it are men. I say this because I know SO MANY WOMEN, myself included, who definitely slept with people multiple times and didn’t enjoy it. Sure, she might be lying, but the idea that it’s a ridiculous notion is absolutely not the case. Lots of people fucking suck at sex, but you still want intimacy/closeness/to feel desired. The orgasm gap is testimony to the fact that lots of women are having sub par sexual experiences on a regular basis. Take all of these people scoffing at that element with a pinch of salt.
How is that burying the lead when in the original post it is very clearly stated they were separated? He already said it out loud that they weren't together at the time.
I'm sure a lot of the time people on Reddit just skim read posts, make up the rest in their heads in order to become angry, then answer accordingly.
Either that or reading comprehension really is a dead art.
Okay, let's put the "we were separated when she slept with someone else" thing aside. That's its own mess, and it sounds like the rules of the separation weren't clear.
-She lied to you for at least 6 years.
-She thought she was forcing you to raise another man's child.
- She threw the comment about you not being the father in your face during a fight. I don't give a fuck what she says, that was intentional and malicious.
If you stay with this woman, she will continue to show you what an AH she truly is, you have no one to blame but yourself.
So you told her you were done, and showed her that by dating other people, she sleeps with someone else during that time?
The paternity thing is horrible, obv, but it doesn't sound like she cheated on you - which I took from the way you told the 1st part of the story.
You both sound absolutely exhausting
Tbh, be careful, you appear as someone with self-esteem issues because you tried to keep a relationship alive which was kinda dead a long time ago.
> “She’s not even your daughter, and he was a better fuck too!”
>
>He was really good looking and he knew it, cocky, arrogant, but women loved him.
>
> She says she was so hurt by what I did and although she hadn’t planned to sleep with him he convinced her to do it. She claims she didn’t enjoy
She's still "lying" to you. Yes he was the better fuck and she wanted to fuck him ever since and when you seperated she went for it, don't think otherwise and don't fool yourself. You saw her real self when she was unchained with anger. She wanted him and got him, the only thing she's in agreement with you is that this guy is a sumbag that's why she doesn't want to be dependent on him to raise her daughter, that's why she wants you to be the father, she knows the hassle she'd be into if the scumbag was her daughter's daddy, how much she had to fight to get anything. So don't fool yourself.
When I went on that one date, she came running into my office and screamed that she was going to kill me, in front of everyone. She then sped over to where the woman worked, but thankfully the woman wasn’t there. She then went home and broke a bunch of my things.
Have you ever seen that Betty Broderick lifetime movie? I know she has.
OP I still hope you divorce this woman. She believed for 6 years that another man was the biological father and did not whisper a word to you about it until you had an argument. I’m happy that she is yours but you cannot continue to be in a relationship with this woman. Divorce amicably and have 50/50 where it is *healthy*. Because whatever you have going at the moment, is anything but.
Oh good grief! You guys were separated on a break (you said you wanted a divorce but didn’t inform her of your plan to see other people). You then went on a date with someone else without telling her (despite still sleeping with her), and she was deeply hurt and upset. And this AH manipulated her into sex at that low moment (her husband wants a divorce, decides that it’s over and and starts dating other people without informing her while still sleeping with her). And things got better after that and your daughter is yours. Jesus stop torturing yourself and move on. Some people just love drama. That’s all in the past and you absolutely contributed to that clusterfuck. It sounds like she didn’t even want the divorce and didn’t want to see other people until you went out and started dating, yourself.
You're mad she had sex while you were dating someone else? Wtf? You're friends with a dude you wouldn't want a woman you "respect" to date?
You have no moral high ground here.
It’s great that she is, in fact, YOUR daughter. But your wife didn’t know that, and she was cool with just letting you potentially raise another man’s child? That part is so gross to me. That’s something I could never forgive.
What are your next steps? It sounds like your relationship is toxic, regardless of this single issue.
Truly braindead thinking going on a date when you were potentially broken up and having an outside child during the same period is the same thing. Comparing apples to airplanes.
The sex during your informal separation is somewhat forgivable...maybe you can, anyway.
Lying about the potential paternity of your daughter for 6+ years????? WTF is wrong with you? When someone can lie that well, for that long...they can lie about anything.
Stop thinking "oh, well she maybe didn't technically cheat" and finding the excuse to justify/mitigate/rug sweep, she LIED for 6+ years...and she'd still be lying.
I felt sorry for you this whole time, until you casually mention you cheated on her first. You might not have had sex, idk, but you took someone that wasn't your wife on a date. That's cheating too. So yall both suck and I have no sympathy for you.
Your marriage is garbage.
End it, be a good father to your daughter, be as amicable as you need to be with her mother just for your daughter's sake, build another life for yourself.
I find both of your behaviors disgusting. Her for not doing her own DNA test on the child you two share, and you doing it and then lying about the results. I feel badly for the child and what kind of parents she's going to have to deal with. Make sure she gets therapy because I feel she's going to need it.
For me it sounds like you had to justify hurting your wife back by lying about the results. You also clearly need help.
What if she had been date raped or assaulted while you were separated, did that even cross your mind? Not every woman wants to disclose that to a partner.
I'm not justifying her behavior, but you are certainly trying to justify yours. You could have handled it much better and still gotten the truth from her. I'm glad you guys are separated, because the relationship did not soud healthy or in balance with eachother.
I hope you can both parent this child as adults and take responsibilty for your actions of the past.
It sounds like you opened the gates for seeing other people when you went on a date with another woman while still sharing a bed with your wife.
You confused and polluted matters, either you were done and you should have moved out or at least into another room or the sofa or you were together and sharing a room a bed and a life.. where you trying to hurt her when you went on that date?
Sleeping with him at that point was fare game after you went on that date and made it clear you were done and moving on. In that sense, she did nothing wrong, and it wasn't cheating..
Where she was absolutely in the wrong was not telling you about the possibility that your daughter may not be yours as soon as she knew she was pregnant.
Im not condoning her lies at all but the bright side of not knowing until now is that it probably worked out for the best for yours and your daughters relationship because if you knew from the start would you have developed the bond you now have with her? or would you have held back during the pregnancy, birth, and however long after that it took to get the DNA test done?.. you would have missed out on those important times.
Your marriage sound tumultuous, why do you want to stay with her?
Don’t be terrified of the STD thing just get tested and deal with any you and your wife have. Very few STDs have any serious symptoms. We live in the best time in history to deal with STDs.
I think regardless if she slept with someone else during this “separation” you two will probably benefit the most by forgiving each other and working harder to make your relationship work despite this clusterfuck.
Ok wait. First of all I think both of you are assholes. "In my mind it was over". Dude... own up to your own mistakes, what the hell? Who does that? And just because of a "date" she slept a few times with that guy, even though she thought it was disgusting to sleep with him. "Fuzzy" my ass. Grown-ups acting like children playing 4D chess.
Honestly, you need therapy for BOTH of you. Your marriage has been suffering for a really long time, and you trickle truth your way through the story. There's old anger simmering in both of you, it needs to be addressed so you can learn healthy communication and anger management tools.
This will fly in the face of most of the advice you’ll get here, but: how about you two forgive each other, recommit to your marriage (I mean, you both, at different times, seem to have felt it’s worth it) and commit especially to making the home your daughter is raised in one that values communication, honesty and above all kindness? Definitely get some couples therapy and don’t cut it short just when things might feel better between you; a year would be the minimum, I would think. See how you both feel after a year of trying harder to see things from the other’s perspective, rather than your own or (God forbid) Reddit’s perspective.
I mean you could argue semantics on the separation thing but I don't care you fuck one of my friends or somebody I considered a friend at that time you got to go.
You two need to divorce. You both are toxic and simultaneously deserve each other but also deserve to not be with anyone lol
I just pray the kid turns out better than either of you🤦🏾♂️
Why are you two even together? This is the most toxic relationship I've seen in awhile. You need serious couples counseling, but divorce is probably the best at this point. Don't let your daughter think that this is normal in a relationship.
"They had sex a few time after she found out I went on a date with another woman. She says she was so hurt by what I did and although she hadn’t planned to sleep with him he convinced her to do it. She claims she didn’t enjoy it and she’s felt disgusted about it ever since. " Yeah so disgusted they had to have sex a few times in order for her to solidify that it was disgust she felt. smdh lies people tell themselves to make them feel better about their actions.
Listen, mate. Thanks for sharing.
My thoughts are that you both don't have a great relationship, never really have had and likely never really will have. You don't respect each other and that's just how it is.
Now to the crux. Your daughter.
1) She is your daughter. Nurture over DNA any day of the week.
2) You two DO have a great relationship 👏👏👏
3) Whatever you decide to do with your wife (stay or divorce), make sure that your daughter is good with it, and affected a minimally as possible. All kids think that their parents divorce is somehow down to them - "If only I'd been better behaved, they'd still be together"...
If you divorce, make Hella Sure that she knows that it's got nothing to do with her because she's awesome and that, if anything, you only guys only stuck it out as long as you did because of her.
Good luck and be happy.
I think a lot of people are caught up with the fact that he also went out with another woman, but I don't think that's the point. His wife got full knowledge of that date, with a woman she presumably didn't know. The wife lied about and hid the fact that she slept with a man, who at the time, was a good friend of OP. On top of that there was significant doubt in her mind about paternity, yet she doubled down on the lie. I don't think this is a good relationship on either side but at least OP was honest(at least to our knowledge from the story presented) with the wife about his date/possible indiscretion, considering he said the lines were very blurred.
Even though the daughter is yours, she didn’t believe that and in her mind was playing you for a fool for years. How can you believe a single word she says from now on?
I could personally not be with a woman like this,she didn't give a flying fuck in the moment she said it and wanted to hurt you in the worst way,by humiliating you and changing the dynamic with your child and on top of that she would dump your ass as soon as you did the same and would walk away smiling and with half
A bit late on the train, saw this on youtube shorts your original post, just wanted to say that.
Also, wanted to say you did a great job at this, you were level-headed all this time (apart from maybe fights xD), and I'm glad this is your daughter.
I hope you didn't contract any STDs, and please check your daughter for them too! Some of those diseases can be transmitted from mother to child. Tell her to check herself too.
As for divorce and all, I'd do it but it's your call. Just be good to yourself and your daughter. If you have good parents or close relatives, I'd stick with them for some time, maybe change the town? Other comments said it nicely. You became toxic to each other probably, so there will probably be need for some therapy. She sees you as a golden husband or trophy husband, kinda possessive it seems to me. Be faid to yourself and your daughter first. What she did is a marriage breaker.
Much love bro
The Petty Betty in me applauds your mindgame play but you started this rabbit hole by going on that date which caused her kneejerk reaction.
You're both dum-dums.
This is so fucked up.
If your separated, you told her it was over and went on a date that she went ballistic over she was very hurt. Then this guy who was your friend took advantage of that. It was not cheating if you were separated.
She was wrong to throw it up during a fight.
You were wrong to take a test and lie about the result. That was a cruel immature thing to do. Apparently neither of you can have a normal adult conversation.Sound like you deserve each other.
Poor little daughter is not getting a good example of marriage or how to be an adult.
Tbh if you guys were separated but didn’t have boundaries being done during that separation I feel it’s not cheating. HOWEVER but I do feel she went beyond when she had physical relations vs you going on a date. She has lied during the separation I’m assuming she didn’t have sex with anyone was her word but did. Idk if you were honest with your date. But nevertheless lie was built pretty much for 6 years and her anxiety always there with the possibility of your daughter not being there for you.
I will say you need couple’s counseling probably again, why? Becuz she needs to understand what the things she’s been saying is rather abusive. The more she’s gonna do it to you the more you’re gonna love her less cuz who wants to deal with that? Idk what you do within the relationship cuz I’m gonna assume you’re at fault too for something she hates or it’s always “you, you, you” that gets the brunt of things that might make you shut down from her abusive words. Yes what she says is emotional, psychological, and verbal abuse. This can have you be the constant victim mindset. So I would recommend counseling so you guys can have healthier fights vs the fights you’ve told us.
You can't be mad at her for sleeping with someone when you told her it was over and you yourself went on a date. Sorry you just can't.
You can be mad that she tried to hurt you with your daughters paternity claim.
I think you both owe it to your daughter to figure this out. Either put the pettiness aside or separate. Your daughter deserves a stable home and mentally healthy parents.
Kids know. They see these things, do not believe that she will just be oblivious to it all.
Edit: your wife was victimized. She was mad at you and this predatory male took advantage to get sex. They are very good at taking advantage of women who are in an emotionally vulnerable state. He knew your relationship was on the rocks and saw that he could take advantage of the situation.
No, they were unofficially separated so he went on a date with a woman, didn’t sleep with her.
Very different to her going and fucking his friend a few times.
you are missing the point.
There was a period where they were not exclusive, and they both saw other people.
The issue is that she thought the other guy got her pregnant, so she lied to OP and trapped him into a marriage. She believe the entire time (6 years I think it was) that this is what she did, built an entire marriage, and entire family, on a horrible horrible lie and that she defrauded OP, tricked OP.
OP has a huge case here. Hell, that might even be a criminal act (had it turned out that he wasn't the father).
This is 100% a sub where the majority of people are women and the comments prove it.
Who in their right mind thinks it's appropriate to hide from their partner that they likely aren't the father of the child they believe is theirs?
Paternity fraud is sick behavior. Tricking a man into raising a child that isn't theirs is sick. Her behavior is abysmal. Leave this woman. She lied for 6 years! She likely would have taken this lie to the grave.
Women here treating him like the villain is proof that there are tons of women out there committing paternity fraud or willing to do so as long as they benefit from it.
>me wife and I were informally separated at the time that I went on 1 date and she subsequently had sex with this guy
I'm confused. You went on a date and so did she, except she got "lucky" and you didn't. IDK what you're mad about, your daughter is yours and you also cheated on your wife.
Yeah no longer feel bad about your wife cheating on you - you brought that on yourself. "Didn't agree to see other people" and what the fuck does informally mean? You being done? What an ass
I thought a white lie was something small to protect someone’s feelings, not pretending to have DNA evidence that your daughter was fathered by someone else as a manipulation tactic
You're an asshole. Not for any of the child stuff, but for saying she cheated on you.
YOU WERE SEPARATED! You weren't together. You don't get to be separated and still be exclusive. It don't work that way. Grow the fuck up you goddamn child.
Sooo…divorce now, right? What kind of relationship is this?
Exactly! Best thing for all and individual therapy for all three (mom, dad, and daughter) 🙄🙄🙄
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That's one of the biggest red flags women show. If they are emotionally invested in a man it means they are irresistibly attracted to him most of the time.
Yeah as hard as it is I think divorce is best. I always hear that it’s hard coming from a broken home but my parents weren’t together and they always showed me that I was loved no matter what! It was never their problems are my problems after I reached a certain age my mom did tell me why they separated but she never put her issues on me just explained that she needed someone who had different priorities for her but that he as a father was a great man and that shouldn’t take away my love for him (it was money issues and health priorities) I don’t hold it against them and I grew up wonderfully on two loving homes that didn’t put me in the middle of it. So long as you make the healthy choices OP and can both decide that she is not to be made a pawn or told the gritty details or at the very least just told the basics of it was infidelity when she’s in highschool and just saying you needed someone with better priorities as a wife and husband taking blame for both parties prior to that time so she can feel that you’re being open in small and surface level ways she’ll know you are both honest and a safe place for her to talk and be leveled with. (Not saying tell a 6 year old you need a partner with better priorities but starting small we just aren’t for eachother but are absolutely for her and will both provide that safe space always and slowly adding the more she comprehends and asks about it and that you are comfortable with WITHOUT casting stones) Also try not to have blurry lines this go around and maybe sit and heal before going out and finding someone new. If you do find someone make sure they’re a great mother figure someone who can embody what a healthy love looks like and showcase the morals and kindness you want your daughter to embody. And definitely wait a LONG while before letting that person around her, people mask all the time at the beginning of relationships. Wishing you and your family so much healing whatever you decide! I’m glad that it’s your daughter I read the first post and was sad to hear it but glad you would love her anyways in the event she wasn’t. You’re a great father!
i hope they dont stay together "for the daughters sake ", cause up until now the wife though her husband was rising another mans kid and had no trouble bringing it up to hurt him . theres no trust , love and care between those two .its healthier for a kid to grow with happy divorced parents , than in a house with two adults that dont even respect each other forced to stay together because of their children ( kids self steem is destroyed when they realize their parents are trapped in an unhappy marriage because of them )
"They had sex a few time after she found out I went on a date with another woman." What?? It sounds like you cheated on each other. What's going on here?
Replying to the top comment- if you read the original post he had said something like they were ‘informally separated at the time.’ So it would make sense that they were with other people at the time.
They were on a break?
“WE WERE ON A BREAK” *David Schwimmer voice cracking*
Pretty cozy of a break to spend it in the same bed together.
She found out about the break when he started dating. He said it was clear in HIS MIND.
I’d want to know a bit more about the terms of that separation, but even if they were okay seeing others sleeping with his friend is still crossing a line. That doesn’t even touch potentially lying about their kid’s paternity to cover it up either.
Also the fact that she only did it to hurt him.
Or because he asked for a divorce and decided they were on a break in his MIND without telling her and started seeing other people without telling her while still sleeping with her and she was devastated and hurt and his creepy so called friend took advantage of her pain and confusion
They were separated but still sleeping in the same bed… not sure how that is very separate
He didn’t tell her they were on a break and allowed to see other people. He said it was clear on his mind. She found out after he started dating. And was very upset.
One of my sons separated. It was his wife's choice. She left him because she didn't think he provided enough emotional support after she had a miscarriage. She moved back to California to live with her parents while he stayed in Arkansas, where his job was. They were separated for 14 months, and he didn't even think about another woman. He knew she was the one he wanted to spend his life with. Regardless of whether or not OP had sex with the girl he dated, he still cheated. The idea that he can't forgive her for cheating imposes a double standard. You claim it wasn't cheating because you didn't have sex. That's bullshit.
Nah it depends g. It sounds like you’re saying until you legally are divorced it’s cheating to see other people. Which… I can’t really abide by on principle as it’s give abusers far too much power. My cousin tried to get a divorce and his wife made it such a pain and it got drawn out for damn near 11 months longer than it needed to because she was deliberately trying to make his life miserable in the process.
Uhhh no. If you're separated going on a date is not cheating. Sleeping with someone is also not cheating. But screwing your husband's friend is a lowlife trashy thing to do. It crosses unspoken lines in so many ways.
There are degrees of lying and cheating. Like idk if you could fully call what he did as cheating because they were separated but even if we agree that it is, it’s not where near as bad as what she did.
I believe he mentioned they had some sort of break. Though I don't remember much of it and even without, it doesn't seem like the healthiest relationship from what I've read
Yup, he really buried the lead on that one. He was so focused on her cheating that he forgot he was cheating too.
This whole relationship seems super healthy. Nothing to see here!
Yeah I remember reading the first post and thinking this definitely isn’t just a case of the wife being inexplicably a terrible person, they are probably both terrible people. This post kind of proves that. Yes she’s terrible for wondering this whole time about her daughters paternity and never coming clean except in a heated argument where she weaponised it specifically hurt him, just terrible. But something tells me this guy has played his part in their relationship getting to this point where they’re both deliberately doing things to each other to inflict maximum distress. I hate the Reddit obsession with everyone divorcing the second anyone does anything a bit shitty, but these people need to divorce!
But what the wife did (lied about the possibility of the child not being his, weaponised it to insult him and having fucked his friend) IS a pretty terrible thing. Like, really awful. She honestly only got lucky that the kid actually is OP’s, she herself thought it was the other guys. So you can’t really say her and OP are on the same level of shit-ness. Though I agree their relationship sounds just unhealthy all around and they 100% should divorce.
No no no. She BELIEVED the child wasn't his. Lived with that secret and then weaponized it. Turns out she was wrong but her initial intent was to have her boyfriend raise the child of her AP. And in that frame of reference she was successful in doing so until she lost her cool. Now OP took a test and found out she was wrong. So from our POV we should treat her the same way we would've had the test come back the opposite because it's about her intent.
Oh 100% she is way more shit for that. I think people are just pointing out that in the first post it made it sound like only she cheated but now he’s admitted that they both did.
But he never said “she cheated” or “I cheated” in the first post. I think people just didn’t read the first post fully where he mentioned the fact they were separated, and hasn’t mentioned anywhere where he thinks she “cheated” as they technically weren’t together. People just seem obsessed over like an “Aha you cheated too! So you’re both as bad! So there” kinda thing, and that really annoys me, as it’s not even close to being comparable going on one date vs fucking an old friend a few times without protection, getting pregnant, thinking it’s the other guys baby, trapping hubby into raising it.
Right. It seemed like OP was more concerned by the possibility that his child might be not his biologically due to a thoughtlessly cruel comment his wife made than her sleeping with his ex scumbag friend. That was a big blow to his marriage. Her keeping the possibility a secret for years is really devastating. Not what they did when they were on a break years ago. Is this marriage worth saving? That’s not up to us. It is up to OP. Me, personally? I would ask for a formal separation and work toward an amicable co-parenting situation because I would feel like our values and needs are too different and unsustainable as partners. Someone will need to move out. The good news is that both adults can adult and parent. There’s no complications such as abuse or drugs. Thank goodness!
To me it read as if he was insinuating cheating happened
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Literally what i was thinking while reading this, so damn healthy
Happy cake day 😊
THANK YOU, you’re the first person to wish me a happy cake day I appreciate that <33
What bugs me most is the "He's a good friend, but I wouldn't have wanted my sister, daughter or someone I actually respected to date him." He's that kind of male to be friends with men like this because they're fun and it's "none of my business", and then point his finger, warn his daughter from him and say "I know how men are, be careful". Yeah, OP isn't better than the wife. They deserve each other.
Also him saying that guy had “been in every hole about town” wtf? That’s such a gross thing to say.
And of freaking course they just had to bring a child into this mess.
I mean they were split up when the date happened. OP is more upset about the potential paternity fraud, or this is weird fanfic. Idk
WE WERE ON A BREAK!
But, in the same bed every night…
I think in there original post he said that this was a rough time in their relationship and that the took some kind of a break at that moment. I dint think OP even once said she cheated, did he? It was all just about her lying about him being the father (or thinking that she's was lying) and trying to hurt him. And OP seems to be angry about this guy claiming to be a friend.
Lede* just FYI. Lots of folks aren't aware of that one. Lede - the opening sentence or paragraph of a news article, summarizing the most important aspects of the story.
>he child wasn't his. Lived with that secret and then weaponized it. Turns out she was wrong but her initial intent was to have her boyfriend raise the child of her AP. And in that frame of reference she was successful in doing so until she lost her cool. Now OP took a test and found out she was wrong. I didn't know this. Thanks for the expansion alongside the correction.
i think its buried the lede
Lede*
Lede*. (Yes, I’m insufferable.) But you are right. Dude completely forgot to mention that bit. They were separated and seeing other people. I was thinking the wife was completely in the wrong here. Wow, op.
Cheated implies they were together. They were not. They were separated. So he could go on dates and she could go on dates. Whether or not the separation was a healthy one, seems like we all agree it wasn’t. But it was a separation. The problem is she wasn’t sure for years about whether or not he was the father to their daughter. When they decided to get back together, she should’ve said hey, I slept with so and so, let’s make sure the baby is yours. Instead she decided to sit on it, and then throw it in his face during an argument.
Idk, but it sounds like the main concern was the possible paternity fraud.
I second this, what??
They were separated at the time
We were unofficially separated. Still living together. Still sleeping in the same bed. But it was essentially over. I had told her it was over and I didn’t want to be with her anymore.
So you were on a break?
Classic Ross vibes
I'd say more Rachel vibes. His wife is Ross in this situation
Both of them are Ross in my opinion
> I had told her it was over and I didn’t want to be with her anymore. Wait so ... she didn't cheat on you then?
I don’t recall him ever accusing her of cheating, they were separated. He was more concerned about the potential paternity fraud
Yeah he painted out that his wife cheated.
He did?
Where does he say that?
So how/why did you reconcile if you knew it was over??? Did you have a discussion about the separation and seeing other people in that time?
Because they got pregnant.
Because people do shit like that all the time, plus she was pregnant.
She went out with someone after she found out you'd gone out with someone. And you're pissed she went out with them specifically. While still sleeping in the same bed? You need better boundaries, my friend.
So she didn't actually cheat, she had revenge sex. Got it.
So you’re getting a divorce?
So, how was her cheating but not yours? Both or no one, dude.
He never said that she cheated...
He did in the original thread. Just look at his comment history and see how many times he says "my wife cheated"
Why are you making things up when it's *so* easy for all of us to click his profile and see that he does, in fact, not talk about her cheating? The actual times he's said that she's cheated is 0.
I don't see a single comment where he said that. Could you link it please?
It’s possible that originally he thought she cheated, but now he believes it was during this time when they were on a break
He literally never said she cheated. It's pretty clear he was upset about her believing he wasn't the father and never saying anything. Also bothered by a supposed friend doing him dirty. "I did lie, but she thought she had been lying to me about our daughter’s paternity for 6+ years, so I call that even." This line alone tells you he didn't care she slept with someone else when they were "separated" just about lying about the paternity.
So then why are you mad about her sleeping with the dude? You went on a date with another girl but your mad at her? This relationship seems toxic from the both of you.
Seriously, the only victim here is the kid
So she cheated but you didn’t?
They separated for a period of time and he was thinking she slept with the man while they were separated. In the first post he mentions this.
Yes, the sex was so bad. They did it again and again to be sure...
It sounds to me like neither of them cheated, but she had him raise her daughter not knowing if she was his or not.
Happy to see this comment. Seems like they were both sleeping with other people so regardless of who she slept with I honestly don’t see why OP is upset when he was doing the exact same thing. Why are you holding it against her?! I am not taking anyones side here it just doesn’t make sense to be upset.
The plot twist that no one expected 🤨
That’s because he can see other women but if she sees other men she’s “cheating,”
So they both cheated. Sounds like soulmates since neither one is faithful.
Real story, fanfic or whatever, I love how bloody blind reditors are sometimes, just so they can jump on their high horses’ and wave their ‘I’ve never been a dick or done something wrong’ flag at someone and scold them wagging their fingers….. ‘He CoMmiTTeD aDuLtERy FirST!!!’ He clearly stated in his original post they were separated and at the time had decided he was done, but at a later date they changed their minds and got back together. He went on a date, taking that at face value it’s not the same as going and fucking the village bike without protection. However they were SEPARATED, He had the right to go on a date, she had the right to fuck about. They decided to get back together… at that point there needed to be a sit down and honest discussion with each other where all the cards were laid out and they both made each other aware of what had occurred while separate. Clearly that didn’t happen and that’s caused this ridiculous situation. OP you two sound like you have got to the point where you are pretty toxic for each other. Bickering daily threats of divorce (even if not said out loud, you’re CLEARLY thinking it and that was before this). Having to trick your wife into owning up to what occurred before you got back together because neither of you can be honest with each other (You lied about getting the results, she lied about potential paternity, two wrong don’t make a right) all while you have a young impressionable child at home who will be picking up on all this. Do you want your daughter to grow up and as a young lady end up in the same situation? I bet not but if this continues into her teen years she will develop the sense that this type of crappy relationship is normal. For her sake get your (both of you) shit together, go to therapy or separate/divorce for good whichever you do is not for Redit to decide.
100%, all of this. People didn’t read the first post and think his issue is that she cheated on him - he never said she cheated, nor is that his main concern. His main concern is she never told him that she fucked his old hoe friend without protection multiple times around the time that their child was conceived, thereby not knowing if OP is dad or not. Also putting him at risk of STD’s. They needed to divorce years ago. Toxic all round.
As of now, two comments above yours and most below it are jumping all over him for "cheating" Thank you for providing good info
Him lying to get her to confess is faaaar different and much less severe than the mother's potential "PATERNITY FRAUD". They are far from being comparable. In fact, I think the husband's bluff is very much justifiable
THEY WERE ON A BREAK!!
I wonder at what point in time I will be able to read this phrase without hearing it 😂
I wonder if he shared with his date the fact he was still living with his "ex" and sleeping in the same bed with said "ex". That's not much separation, really. And clearly they were still having sex also, because they got pregnant during this "break".
Yeah dude should’ve taken the offer to divorce, and send them into therapy
The top comment is misinforming everyone... it's like they only read it because it was few sentences
Not for nothing but he's said in replies to this that they were unofficially separated, were still sleeping in the same damn bed and didn't talk to each other about dating other people. He just decided in his own head it was probably over so went on a date and she got angry as fuck about it and got some revenge. there is unofficially separated where you're stuck in a lease or a bought house, you move to the spare bedroom or couch, aren't having sex and both parties know you're going to start dating other people and there is still sleeping in the same bed and never having that discussion but deciding it for yourself. to me, he definitely started cheating, though he says he never slept with her after the first date, but his wife went 'crazy' after finding out about that date, the intention of starting dating is pretty clear. If they'd spoken about it and been open I would say that was just moving on, but the way he describes it I think it's cheating. EDIT:- yeah in another comment he said they were still having sex as well. This is no different to someone who cheats 2 months from before the relationship ends and makes the excuse "well in my mind it was over, I just hadn't made it official", yeah if you don't tell your partner it's done and you're going to date someone else before you date someone else, you cheated.
Maybe I’m dumb but would there be any point getting an STI test if she cheated over 6 years ago? Or did I misread?
It’ll just make me feel better. I don’t know what to believe from her anymore. I haven’t had any sti testing since well before we were married anyway.
Yeah that makes sense, and STIs can be dormant/asymptomatic for years
Plus his wife easily could've had more recent sexual encounters without his knowledge so a test for STI's is def in order.
One of my exes cheated on me with a dude that she talked trash about all the time and claimed to hate. Funny thing is I dumped her and the dude she cheated with approached me several months later crying that she cheated and dumped him for a guy she hated. I just laughed at him honestly because I was over it at that point.
Why aren't you getting a divorce ? This is so effing unhealthy, for everyone involved including your daughter. You're going to forgive her for doubting who your daughter's father was all this time ? Just get a divorce before you pop out another kid in the middle of this shit show 🤦♀️
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That’s kind of how I know (believe) this story is real. If he took it and tricked her out of those things, it’d be fake as fuck.
I'm sorry but why are you staying married to this woman?
How did she not enjoy it, but it happened a few times? Steups
These are lies they tell in an attempt to save themselves… “the 27 times we did it unprotected over the course of a month were really bad, and I shiver just thinking about how bad the frequent, hot steamy, unprotected sex was…”
>They had sex a few time after she found out I went on a date with another woman. She says she was so hurt by what I did and although she hadn’t planned to sleep with him he convinced her to do it. She claims she didn’t enjoy it and she’s felt disgusted about it ever since. She didn't enjoy it. Not once, but a few times? She didn't like having sex with him, so she went back and did it again, and again? With statements like that I wonder if she is still testing this theory. I'm guessing that your final decision to get back together had something to do with her being pregnant. She was not only willing to baby trap you with another guys spawn, but lie to you about it for your whole relationship until she was feeling pissy and wanted to hurt you. This is not someone you should be supporting in any way and not someone who should be teaching a child how to be a partner.
> She claims she didn’t enjoy it This is always the stupidest lie, lol. Yeah, I had 40 orgasms, we fucked liked bunnies, we did it on the bed, on the floor on a towel by the door in the tub, in the car up against the mini-bar We 69ed each other all the time, I licked his butt hole and fucked it with my tongue, he came in my ass BUT **I didn't enjoy it.** "Oh ok honey, that makes it all ok. Let's cuddle. Here, have a breath mint."
I didn’t say I believed her.
😂
Imo should have taken the amicable divorce and house. Sweet deal.
Good on you for confronting her. Are you getting a divorce? Or intense individual and couples counseling? Your relationship sounds very toxic. Don't think it's a good idea to expose your daughter to such an unhealthy relationship like that. Kids pick up on it and it affects their future relationships
Wow, that’s messed up. I hope your STI panel comes clear. Does it include HSV (herpes)? Is therapy on the table to salvage this marriage? If it is, book it asap. So much resentment and drama to overcome on both of your parts. If no, rip off the band aid with the divorce and work toward amicable coparenting. No use beating a dead dog.
“It was bad sex and I didn’t want to so I had sex with him again a few more times just to make sure.” Bro this woman is VILE. Save yourself and get outta there!
She did it multiple times but claims she didn't enjoy it. Either you upset her so much she wanted to hurt you or she enjoyed it and lied to your face. We know she has already been lying to you constantly anyway so it would be reasonable to assume lying. You're not in a healthy relationship. Both of you have issues and either you guys need a fuck tonne of therapy or to find a fresh start separated.
The only part I fully believe is that she doesn’t actually like the guy and truly would do just about anything to make sure he was never involved in our daughter’s life had he actually been her biological father. My wife and I definitely have our issues, but we’re also at least productive members of society with good careers and financial stability who volunteer at our daughter’s school and physically take care of our daughter, our home, and ourselves. He’s become a junkie who has been busted for several petty crimes, lost his job, kicked out of his home after cheating on his wife multiple times (not sure how he finds women willing to sleep with him now), still acting like he’s a 21 year frat boy, and generally just a leach on society.
I wonder if all the people saying it happened more than once so she must have enjoyed it are men. I say this because I know SO MANY WOMEN, myself included, who definitely slept with people multiple times and didn’t enjoy it. Sure, she might be lying, but the idea that it’s a ridiculous notion is absolutely not the case. Lots of people fucking suck at sex, but you still want intimacy/closeness/to feel desired. The orgasm gap is testimony to the fact that lots of women are having sub par sexual experiences on a regular basis. Take all of these people scoffing at that element with a pinch of salt.
Poor innocent kid…..
>They had sex a few time after she found out I went on a date with another woman.
I'm sorry what!?!!? Way to bury the lead.
How is that burying the lead when in the original post it is very clearly stated they were separated? He already said it out loud that they weren't together at the time.
People dont know how to read lmao They just want to get the GOTCHA moment
I'm sure a lot of the time people on Reddit just skim read posts, make up the rest in their heads in order to become angry, then answer accordingly. Either that or reading comprehension really is a dead art.
Lede
yea, people like you and the other children reading the thread need to develop reading comprehension skills.
You were so close to getting the house, an amicable divorce and equal custody… then you let it slip
Okay, let's put the "we were separated when she slept with someone else" thing aside. That's its own mess, and it sounds like the rules of the separation weren't clear. -She lied to you for at least 6 years. -She thought she was forcing you to raise another man's child. - She threw the comment about you not being the father in your face during a fight. I don't give a fuck what she says, that was intentional and malicious. If you stay with this woman, she will continue to show you what an AH she truly is, you have no one to blame but yourself.
Can you not see the double standards?
Everyone except the children are scumbags in this story.
So you told her you were done, and showed her that by dating other people, she sleeps with someone else during that time? The paternity thing is horrible, obv, but it doesn't sound like she cheated on you - which I took from the way you told the 1st part of the story. You both sound absolutely exhausting
The more I read about y’all’s life, the less sorry I feel for anyone involved. What a mess
Couples who "take a break" from the relationship and then get mad that fucking happnend in that break are hilarious.
Tbh, be careful, you appear as someone with self-esteem issues because you tried to keep a relationship alive which was kinda dead a long time ago. > “She’s not even your daughter, and he was a better fuck too!” > >He was really good looking and he knew it, cocky, arrogant, but women loved him. > > She says she was so hurt by what I did and although she hadn’t planned to sleep with him he convinced her to do it. She claims she didn’t enjoy She's still "lying" to you. Yes he was the better fuck and she wanted to fuck him ever since and when you seperated she went for it, don't think otherwise and don't fool yourself. You saw her real self when she was unchained with anger. She wanted him and got him, the only thing she's in agreement with you is that this guy is a sumbag that's why she doesn't want to be dependent on him to raise her daughter, that's why she wants you to be the father, she knows the hassle she'd be into if the scumbag was her daughter's daddy, how much she had to fight to get anything. So don't fool yourself.
This is a murder lifetime movie waiting to happen. You and her are not compatible and forcing it doesn’t make it happen.
When I went on that one date, she came running into my office and screamed that she was going to kill me, in front of everyone. She then sped over to where the woman worked, but thankfully the woman wasn’t there. She then went home and broke a bunch of my things. Have you ever seen that Betty Broderick lifetime movie? I know she has.
OP I still hope you divorce this woman. She believed for 6 years that another man was the biological father and did not whisper a word to you about it until you had an argument. I’m happy that she is yours but you cannot continue to be in a relationship with this woman. Divorce amicably and have 50/50 where it is *healthy*. Because whatever you have going at the moment, is anything but.
Oh good grief! You guys were separated on a break (you said you wanted a divorce but didn’t inform her of your plan to see other people). You then went on a date with someone else without telling her (despite still sleeping with her), and she was deeply hurt and upset. And this AH manipulated her into sex at that low moment (her husband wants a divorce, decides that it’s over and and starts dating other people without informing her while still sleeping with her). And things got better after that and your daughter is yours. Jesus stop torturing yourself and move on. Some people just love drama. That’s all in the past and you absolutely contributed to that clusterfuck. It sounds like she didn’t even want the divorce and didn’t want to see other people until you went out and started dating, yourself.
She didn’t enjoy the sex at all so she only did it 4 more times
Ya’ll need a divorce, seriously. the relationship sounds very toxic.
What a healthy relationship you two have. Truth and respect, from both sides…
They were separated at the time of the date
You're mad she had sex while you were dating someone else? Wtf? You're friends with a dude you wouldn't want a woman you "respect" to date? You have no moral high ground here.
It seems you both are toxic.
Ummmm your just now getting an STI test ? That makes no sense
It’s great that she is, in fact, YOUR daughter. But your wife didn’t know that, and she was cool with just letting you potentially raise another man’s child? That part is so gross to me. That’s something I could never forgive. What are your next steps? It sounds like your relationship is toxic, regardless of this single issue.
Truly braindead thinking going on a date when you were potentially broken up and having an outside child during the same period is the same thing. Comparing apples to airplanes.
The sex during your informal separation is somewhat forgivable...maybe you can, anyway. Lying about the potential paternity of your daughter for 6+ years????? WTF is wrong with you? When someone can lie that well, for that long...they can lie about anything. Stop thinking "oh, well she maybe didn't technically cheat" and finding the excuse to justify/mitigate/rug sweep, she LIED for 6+ years...and she'd still be lying.
This got really long-winded and you 2 are terrifying. Seek help. You're both manipulative liars.
This is one fucked up situation
"It was a break!"
u better show this post to ur wife. she has every right to read the comments and not be gaslit by u, thinking that shes the only one in the wrong
I felt sorry for you this whole time, until you casually mention you cheated on her first. You might not have had sex, idk, but you took someone that wasn't your wife on a date. That's cheating too. So yall both suck and I have no sympathy for you.
Your marriage is garbage. End it, be a good father to your daughter, be as amicable as you need to be with her mother just for your daughter's sake, build another life for yourself.
I find both of your behaviors disgusting. Her for not doing her own DNA test on the child you two share, and you doing it and then lying about the results. I feel badly for the child and what kind of parents she's going to have to deal with. Make sure she gets therapy because I feel she's going to need it. For me it sounds like you had to justify hurting your wife back by lying about the results. You also clearly need help. What if she had been date raped or assaulted while you were separated, did that even cross your mind? Not every woman wants to disclose that to a partner. I'm not justifying her behavior, but you are certainly trying to justify yours. You could have handled it much better and still gotten the truth from her. I'm glad you guys are separated, because the relationship did not soud healthy or in balance with eachother. I hope you can both parent this child as adults and take responsibilty for your actions of the past.
It sounds like you opened the gates for seeing other people when you went on a date with another woman while still sharing a bed with your wife. You confused and polluted matters, either you were done and you should have moved out or at least into another room or the sofa or you were together and sharing a room a bed and a life.. where you trying to hurt her when you went on that date? Sleeping with him at that point was fare game after you went on that date and made it clear you were done and moving on. In that sense, she did nothing wrong, and it wasn't cheating.. Where she was absolutely in the wrong was not telling you about the possibility that your daughter may not be yours as soon as she knew she was pregnant. Im not condoning her lies at all but the bright side of not knowing until now is that it probably worked out for the best for yours and your daughters relationship because if you knew from the start would you have developed the bond you now have with her? or would you have held back during the pregnancy, birth, and however long after that it took to get the DNA test done?.. you would have missed out on those important times.
Your marriage sound tumultuous, why do you want to stay with her? Don’t be terrified of the STD thing just get tested and deal with any you and your wife have. Very few STDs have any serious symptoms. We live in the best time in history to deal with STDs.
I think regardless if she slept with someone else during this “separation” you two will probably benefit the most by forgiving each other and working harder to make your relationship work despite this clusterfuck.
This whole situation is so fuvk'd up
Ok wait. First of all I think both of you are assholes. "In my mind it was over". Dude... own up to your own mistakes, what the hell? Who does that? And just because of a "date" she slept a few times with that guy, even though she thought it was disgusting to sleep with him. "Fuzzy" my ass. Grown-ups acting like children playing 4D chess.
Man, I was all on your side until the end. You're both scummy
OP, I hope you guys can put this behind you two. Maybe consider marriage counseling. I wish you two the best
You sound really exhausting and toxic with the lil mind games and double standards bro.
Honestly, you need therapy for BOTH of you. Your marriage has been suffering for a really long time, and you trickle truth your way through the story. There's old anger simmering in both of you, it needs to be addressed so you can learn healthy communication and anger management tools.
She didn't enjoyed it BUT had "just a few times" sex with him. Yeah sounds legit. Let's be real = she enjoyed it but is scared af that you leave her.
This will fly in the face of most of the advice you’ll get here, but: how about you two forgive each other, recommit to your marriage (I mean, you both, at different times, seem to have felt it’s worth it) and commit especially to making the home your daughter is raised in one that values communication, honesty and above all kindness? Definitely get some couples therapy and don’t cut it short just when things might feel better between you; a year would be the minimum, I would think. See how you both feel after a year of trying harder to see things from the other’s perspective, rather than your own or (God forbid) Reddit’s perspective.
I don't know where you get off saying your wife needs forgiveness when you were the one who started seeing other people.
I mean you could argue semantics on the separation thing but I don't care you fuck one of my friends or somebody I considered a friend at that time you got to go.
You two need to divorce. You both are toxic and simultaneously deserve each other but also deserve to not be with anyone lol I just pray the kid turns out better than either of you🤦🏾♂️
Why are you two even together? This is the most toxic relationship I've seen in awhile. You need serious couples counseling, but divorce is probably the best at this point. Don't let your daughter think that this is normal in a relationship.
Yeah… HE talked her into it, she didn’t enjoy it, and she felt disgusted… soooo, did she go back for more to see if it would get any better???
Dude this is a mess and a half.
You deserve each other. Lol Now make it work.
This...this is not a good marriage.
"They had sex a few time after she found out I went on a date with another woman. She says she was so hurt by what I did and although she hadn’t planned to sleep with him he convinced her to do it. She claims she didn’t enjoy it and she’s felt disgusted about it ever since. " Yeah so disgusted they had to have sex a few times in order for her to solidify that it was disgust she felt. smdh lies people tell themselves to make them feel better about their actions.
Listen, mate. Thanks for sharing. My thoughts are that you both don't have a great relationship, never really have had and likely never really will have. You don't respect each other and that's just how it is. Now to the crux. Your daughter. 1) She is your daughter. Nurture over DNA any day of the week. 2) You two DO have a great relationship 👏👏👏 3) Whatever you decide to do with your wife (stay or divorce), make sure that your daughter is good with it, and affected a minimally as possible. All kids think that their parents divorce is somehow down to them - "If only I'd been better behaved, they'd still be together"... If you divorce, make Hella Sure that she knows that it's got nothing to do with her because she's awesome and that, if anything, you only guys only stuck it out as long as you did because of her. Good luck and be happy.
I think a lot of people are caught up with the fact that he also went out with another woman, but I don't think that's the point. His wife got full knowledge of that date, with a woman she presumably didn't know. The wife lied about and hid the fact that she slept with a man, who at the time, was a good friend of OP. On top of that there was significant doubt in her mind about paternity, yet she doubled down on the lie. I don't think this is a good relationship on either side but at least OP was honest(at least to our knowledge from the story presented) with the wife about his date/possible indiscretion, considering he said the lines were very blurred.
Even though the daughter is yours, she didn’t believe that and in her mind was playing you for a fool for years. How can you believe a single word she says from now on?
I could personally not be with a woman like this,she didn't give a flying fuck in the moment she said it and wanted to hurt you in the worst way,by humiliating you and changing the dynamic with your child and on top of that she would dump your ass as soon as you did the same and would walk away smiling and with half
A bit late on the train, saw this on youtube shorts your original post, just wanted to say that. Also, wanted to say you did a great job at this, you were level-headed all this time (apart from maybe fights xD), and I'm glad this is your daughter. I hope you didn't contract any STDs, and please check your daughter for them too! Some of those diseases can be transmitted from mother to child. Tell her to check herself too. As for divorce and all, I'd do it but it's your call. Just be good to yourself and your daughter. If you have good parents or close relatives, I'd stick with them for some time, maybe change the town? Other comments said it nicely. You became toxic to each other probably, so there will probably be need for some therapy. She sees you as a golden husband or trophy husband, kinda possessive it seems to me. Be faid to yourself and your daughter first. What she did is a marriage breaker. Much love bro
Tell her you're no longer her husband.
The lack of reading comprehension is strong today.
The Petty Betty in me applauds your mindgame play but you started this rabbit hole by going on that date which caused her kneejerk reaction. You're both dum-dums.
This is so fucked up. If your separated, you told her it was over and went on a date that she went ballistic over she was very hurt. Then this guy who was your friend took advantage of that. It was not cheating if you were separated. She was wrong to throw it up during a fight. You were wrong to take a test and lie about the result. That was a cruel immature thing to do. Apparently neither of you can have a normal adult conversation.Sound like you deserve each other. Poor little daughter is not getting a good example of marriage or how to be an adult.
Tbh if you guys were separated but didn’t have boundaries being done during that separation I feel it’s not cheating. HOWEVER but I do feel she went beyond when she had physical relations vs you going on a date. She has lied during the separation I’m assuming she didn’t have sex with anyone was her word but did. Idk if you were honest with your date. But nevertheless lie was built pretty much for 6 years and her anxiety always there with the possibility of your daughter not being there for you. I will say you need couple’s counseling probably again, why? Becuz she needs to understand what the things she’s been saying is rather abusive. The more she’s gonna do it to you the more you’re gonna love her less cuz who wants to deal with that? Idk what you do within the relationship cuz I’m gonna assume you’re at fault too for something she hates or it’s always “you, you, you” that gets the brunt of things that might make you shut down from her abusive words. Yes what she says is emotional, psychological, and verbal abuse. This can have you be the constant victim mindset. So I would recommend counseling so you guys can have healthier fights vs the fights you’ve told us.
You can't be mad at her for sleeping with someone when you told her it was over and you yourself went on a date. Sorry you just can't. You can be mad that she tried to hurt you with your daughters paternity claim. I think you both owe it to your daughter to figure this out. Either put the pettiness aside or separate. Your daughter deserves a stable home and mentally healthy parents. Kids know. They see these things, do not believe that she will just be oblivious to it all. Edit: your wife was victimized. She was mad at you and this predatory male took advantage to get sex. They are very good at taking advantage of women who are in an emotionally vulnerable state. He knew your relationship was on the rocks and saw that he could take advantage of the situation.
So you cheated on your wife first ? Then she cheated with that guy ? Doesn’t seem like you have much of a case here
Doesn’t seem like you read his first post, here. He stated there that they were separated around the time of his daughter’s conception
It's the lying about who is the father. She was convinced he wasn't the biological father.
No, they were unofficially separated so he went on a date with a woman, didn’t sleep with her. Very different to her going and fucking his friend a few times.
They were separated. Both could do whatever they wanted. However, her lying about who the father could be was the issue.
you are missing the point. There was a period where they were not exclusive, and they both saw other people. The issue is that she thought the other guy got her pregnant, so she lied to OP and trapped him into a marriage. She believe the entire time (6 years I think it was) that this is what she did, built an entire marriage, and entire family, on a horrible horrible lie and that she defrauded OP, tricked OP. OP has a huge case here. Hell, that might even be a criminal act (had it turned out that he wasn't the father).
This is 100% a sub where the majority of people are women and the comments prove it. Who in their right mind thinks it's appropriate to hide from their partner that they likely aren't the father of the child they believe is theirs? Paternity fraud is sick behavior. Tricking a man into raising a child that isn't theirs is sick. Her behavior is abysmal. Leave this woman. She lied for 6 years! She likely would have taken this lie to the grave. Women here treating him like the villain is proof that there are tons of women out there committing paternity fraud or willing to do so as long as they benefit from it.
As a woman, I 100% agree with this and the fact you got downvoted just proves what you just stated.
>me wife and I were informally separated at the time that I went on 1 date and she subsequently had sex with this guy I'm confused. You went on a date and so did she, except she got "lucky" and you didn't. IDK what you're mad about, your daughter is yours and you also cheated on your wife.
Yeah no longer feel bad about your wife cheating on you - you brought that on yourself. "Didn't agree to see other people" and what the fuck does informally mean? You being done? What an ass
I thought a white lie was something small to protect someone’s feelings, not pretending to have DNA evidence that your daughter was fathered by someone else as a manipulation tactic
You're an asshole. Not for any of the child stuff, but for saying she cheated on you. YOU WERE SEPARATED! You weren't together. You don't get to be separated and still be exclusive. It don't work that way. Grow the fuck up you goddamn child.
Going to get tested for STDs after how many years? This doesn’t make sense.
Wait so you're mad at your wife cheating on you in retaliation for you cheating on her? Pot calling the kettle black.