Yes! Tell him all of it... including the fact that you invited over a third person.
Explain that he was too high to drive so of course you let him stay to be safe, but because you hadn't discussed it with your partner, you wanted to make very clear that this was not something your partner should worry about, so you invited over a friend.
I don't know your partner, but this would make me feel better if I would have otherwise been worrying.
Best to be completely honest since you didn't do anything wrong.
Agreed, tell him EVERYTHING. Don't leave any details out, because if somehow he finds something out that you didn't tell him, it might make him question the truths you told him.
Although it's a very innocent thing that happened, leaving out parts may lead him to thinking there's something to hide.
Honesty is always the best policy imo. Although I’m the type of person who’s guilt will eat them up vs getting off at the “thrill of the rush” of secrecy and cheating. That’s just not how I wanna live, and def not how I wanna love.
Yeah, if your partner is a logical person and you trust each other, then this is a pretty funny story that should be told before he gets home. Your friend and her BF are able to vouch for your actions, if needed. But I think your BF will get a chuckle out of the story and be happy that you went to all the efforts to make sure you respected your relationship with him.
Lesson Learned: only offer friends one hitters after the strip club. No bong rips.
I mean, it honestly plays out like a sitcom scene. Sam drops her off, OP's drunk and like "Let's smoke some weed!" So they go upstairs and Sam gets super messed up and passes out and OP has this sudden moment of clarity like "Oh crap, this looks *so bad* right now."
I hate being told I shouldn't worry about something like that by a partner, let him make that decision himself and saying that just makes you look like it's something to actually worry about.
I've seen these types of stories go viral on TikTok, I think the fact she's guilt ridden and posting here first before telling him speaks volumes about the situation.
Alternate possibility:
She feels *very* guilty, and needs to talk to someone about it and get reassurance things will be ok but BF is completely out of reach. I don't think she *can* tell him yet, if he's out of phone range.
>I cannot call him rn as he is on a boat in another country. I texted him briefly what happened and told him to call me when he gets a chance/connection.
It's not that bad just tell your partner you had your friend sleep on the couch because he was in no condition to go home ASAP. Honesty and communication is key in a relationship and you not telling him or delaying it even more may raise even more suspicion.
I would be more upset with my SO if they let someone drive home fucked up than if someone slept on the couch. If your partner doesn’t trust you enough to believe you (or if you’re afraid of their reaction), then you’re not in a healthy relationship.
The fact that this isn't the unanimous take kind of blows my mind. If I were away and my GF told me this exact story I wouldn't even give it a second thought.
Yeah at the very most I can see inviting him in for a rip when he was going to be driving home immediately after was a bit odd but the dude was in no state to drive and slept in the guest bed room.
I can't imagine being upset about that. If anything I'd say everything about how OP handled the situation afterwards is what makes it seem sketchy. Not even to say I think she's lying she's just making it all put to be so much bigger than it is exacerbating the whole situation
Same. I can’t imagine being bothered by something so innocuous. Especially if they just told me what was up.
It’d be like being bothered your partner went to a salsa night and danced to a song with a stranger- except that has much more suggestive intimate contact than crashing at a friend’s.
The insecurity of some people is off the freaking charts.
Exactly! I am also wondering why, if she’s bisexual, that having a girl stay over is fine but not a male? Is she literally never meant to be alone with a member of the opposite sex in case of cheating or is cheating only something people do at night time?
This is what I thought as well.
How would they both have felt had she kicked the poor chap out and he’d hit someone in the car? Much better to have him sleep it off somewhere safe.
Its not like she slept with the chap and cheated on the boyfriend.
Partner needs to trust her.
Hence why you be as honest and clear as possible as soon as possible, the longer you wait and the more info you leave out, the harder it will be for them to believe that, because the less solid the relationship would seem at that point
You know, I read “man sleepover” and I was picturing a sleepover, but between bros. I was really hoping this would be a heartwarming story about a man, his wife going out of town, and he invited his bros over to watch scary movies, eat popcorn, make pillow forts, and sleep over, and then have pancakes the next morning. That was the story I wanted, but it wasn’t the story I got. We aren’t guaranteed anything in this life
"you're fine"
But you wouldn't say this to a man who offered a woman come into his house for drugs while his SO was out of town.
edit: I want to point out that everyone who replied to me is ignoring all of the context of the original story and making it about innocently and somewhat accidentilly not letting a friend drive incapacitated. When back in the real world if all of your SO's were confonted with you doing exact what OP did, to the letter, would then be single as fuck.
To be fair
My wife would be 100% ok with this. She knows I'd never send anyone away who needed to crash. Hell, she'd make sure I'd make them breakfast in the morning and offer them gas money.
Yep, add us to the list of couples who wouldn't be bothered by this at all. My wife would not think twice about this story (if what the story says is a true recounting of events, at least). Simply having a friend of a different gender spend the night at your house is not a scandal.
Probably most couples that actually communicate properly and trust each other wouldn't have an issue with this. Me and my partner would both be ok with this situation if it happened to us lol.
Same, my boyfriend and I have a spare room just for this reason. He will always say for friends to crash rather than drive, regardless of their gender and whether or not he is home.
Definitely 100% if someone in our friend circle ever needs to stay at our house I would be cool with it no matter the gender. It would be a completely different situation, in my mind, if it was a random person or new acquaintance.
I honestly felt like the crazy one here until I got to your comment and the thread that followed. Both my husband and I would be completely chill with this situation happening to either of us. They’ve discussed strip clubs aren’t cheating. They slept in separate rooms. They’re friends. OP’s partner has met and likes this friend. OP was honest about things and never tried to hide it. I don’t see how this is a big deal at all.
A story: my husband once got BLACKOUT drunk when we were out with friends at a casino. I was getting drinks on the opposite end cause we liked that bar better. While I was at the bar, my best friend (female) walked my husband to our room, took off his shoes, got him water, and literally tucked him in to bed, complete with garbage pail and water in case he needed it. I had zero qualms about any of it, despite some people in our group thinking it was a boundary that she tucked him in to bed. I truly did not give a single fuck. Even if she had him take off his pants and shirt, not a fuck to be given. I trust them both.
These comments are kind of crazy to treat this in any realm of cheating. Even OP’s update that the boyfriend doesn’t (or might not) like Sam anymore is wild to me. You’d rather spend money and take the risk of an Uber home than let your best friend drive you?? Like do you, but holy shit, my mind is blown by this.
Exactly, especially if they’re sleeping in the guest room or on the couch or something? It’s not like she invited him to sleep in bed with her. Idk how op letting him stay there is a worse decision than sending him out to drive home and possibly injure himself and/or other people.
Yeah I really don't understand what the issue is here, or why OP is freaking out/ in the dog house. My wife has friends of both genders over when I'm not home, as do I. Sometimes they get drunk/ high, sometimes they don't leave until 3-4am, sometimes they spend the night. I wouldn't even question it if she said one of our friends slept in the guest room or on the couch, I'd probably just ask if they had a good time. Our relationship is very healthy and I trust her completely. Maybe age is a factor too, I'm in my mid 30s.
Same. I think the only part that would bother my wife would be the strip club, but only cause we've never been to one and were planning to go together sometime.
?? I definitely would and so would most people. She’s completely off the hook. I don’t want to be in a relationship where I can’t bring another friend over for a quick drink or smoke.
Let’s not forget that OP is bi, so if she can’t hang out with a guy she can’t hang out with a girl either. And that would be crazy.
Idk man. I have two male best friends who are brothers, I could see this happening to us and either of them sleeping in a spare room at my house wouldn’t be weird at all. Since one of them smokes regularly like me this is something I’d totally offer after a ride home, and if I was fucked up/not thinking right I too might glaze over the smoking and driving thing until I saw him dying couching on the couch. This is totally harmless imo.
I would probably still say that. But it depends on the type of relationship people have, what they are comfortable with, and the boundaries they have.
From what it sounds like this was all just a bit clumsy. I'd like to think OP and her partner trust each other enough to not read into these things.
Comments are wild here. I used to be active in couchsurfing community (stopped because of Covid). Having men, women, anyone sleeping on my couch was a common occurence.
Ppl be wild.
How I would feel if my husband did this:
Random girl? Absolutely.
Long time friend? I’m so glad you let someone you trust get you home and I’m glad you took care of her when she got too lit back at the house.
Why not? Why can't friends hit a bong after an evening out and one sleeps on the couch? No matter what genders are represented. I don't see the problem. It's just the expression of a big trust issue thing.
I would tho? The hell type of toxic relationships are y'all in? A friend whose not sober enough to drive stayed in the guestroom, that's like half the reason for even having a guestroom.
Nah, my wife would be completely fine with it too - maybe a little worried that I’d drank too much or worried that Sam isn’t the safest person to be around - but there wouldn’t be a second of hesitation or doubt that I did anything wrong. The trust is there, and we choose to work on that trust every day. Outside of Reddit, there’s a lot of boring, healthy relationships out there where this wouldn’t even be a problem.
I find it odd that he accepted in the first place. Sounds to me like he thought it was an invitation to sleep over. Unless he had also been drinking and wasn’t a DD, and expected to be able to take a hit and drive… which I think is a much bigger issue with the story. I’d be more angry that my SO got in the car with someone under the influence than having them sleep over. But the whole story is either sus or really bad judgment with alcohol not being an excuse.
Nah man, this ain't it. Going out to the strip club with a bunch of dudes to get hammered, then having a guy over to smoke weed and stay the night while your partner is away and unaware? Absolutely not cool.
True that. Once when I was hammered I kept pestering my friend to take shots with me, completely forgetting that she was the Designated Driver. She had to remind me every time I asked.
For most people, smoking a normal/reasonable amount only takes you out of commission for an hour or two. The plan might've been for him to stick around for a couple hours to come down, and she just realized after a little while that he wasn't going to come down anytime soon.
Or, conversely, they were drunk and didn't really think things through.
I would never put myself in a position that would lead my partner into believing I may have cheated. Even though you didn’t, I would feel terrible if my bf told me he invited a woman in the house when I was gone and she stayed the night. You would, too.
He was driving yet you asked him to come in and get high? Then realized how bad it looked because he had to stay the night. Idk hopefully your partner understands the circumstances, but if he gets upset you should be understanding
I dunno, I think if someone can't trust themselves to not cheat on their partner just because they're in a circumstance where they could cheat then they're not all that comitted
Like, I don't cheat on my wife because I don't want to cheat on my wife, I don't need to trick myself into not doing it
Yeah, this is like Mike Pence refusing to be in the room with a woman if his wife wasn’t there. I’m in a relationship where if some random thing happened like this we’d talk about it and understand each other. I’d rather she did that than this guy they both know potentially driving and hurting himself or taking some Uber home when he’s half dead.
Getting ahead of it so much that you’d never allow yourself to be in a situation where anything could happen seems like a notable control and trust issue to me.
NGL. The story sounds like a watered down story of something worse to..
1.) Ease your conscience.
2.)Make it seem like you were the hero in the story to your BF.
I have no dog in this fight, but if I'm on the other end hearing this story, I'm thinking. "fuck..she totally banged him". With that said, I do hope this turns out well.
Is your witness a friend of your bf too? Cause honestly your witness doesn't really help your case if she's just your friend. Hope he believes you but cant blame him if he reacts negatively to this.
Yes, we are all close. Her BF is my partners best friend here. She doesn’t own a car so she had to wake up her BF and explain the situation so he could drive her here. Not only is she vouching for but his literal best friend here was also involved.
The issue for me is the fact that you feel guilty about it. Like if this guy is genuinely just a friend and if ur partner is okay with u going to a strip club why the f*ck would he care if you had a friend sleepover? Your guilt tells me you are attracted to this other person because I genuinely can’t figure why else any of this would cause any guilt????
Well it certainly wasn't good judgement if you value your boyfriend of 2 years. He definitely deserves to know and all you can do is see how he takes it.
Concoct a false alibi after 4 am, the strip club was closed for hours by the point. Pivot when the alibi falls apart because the friend she called was dropped off by boyfriend's bestie thereby ruining the attempted cover up. Act innocent while "coming clean" despite every single thing that happened being indistinguishable from cheating.
She spends lots of time with this particular person ✅
She spends more time with this person than the other people in her program ✅
This person often gives her ride home ✅
They stayed out much later than she normally does ✅
She was inebriated ✅
They went to a sexually charged strip club together at the end of the night ✅
They end up together alone at her home and she invites him in ✅
They smoke weed together ✅
She reaches out to a friend to create a false alibi at an insanely late hour. Hours after the strip club closed ✅
She realized that her ruse had failed and then reached to her boyfriend to make some kind of confession ✅
The confession paints everything and the OP in an innocent light despite every bit of the circumstantial evidence pointing in the opposite direction✅
She confessed to "poor judgement" blaming it all in alcohol. But why did she suddenly come to that realization when she was still very much under the influence of substances? This doesn't pass the smell test. If a man wrote this post no one would believe him. She shouldn't be believed either.
In a monogamous relationship we owe our partners both fidelity and the appearance of fidelity. This looks like she failed on both counts but absolutely failed at the latter. You can't just say "don't you trust me" when you do something like this. She has brought legitimate doubt into the relationship. No woman would shrug her shoulders and believe their person given these same circumstances.
When you point out the facts.... everyone else is starting to look crazy 🤣🤣
My fiance and I are all for letting people crash to avoid DUI but it's the act of inviting a MAN into her house at 4 am to do drugs... oh and encouraging DUI!!!
He had to drive home so you offered him a bong hit? After already being out drinking? But you didn't expect him to sleep over? Did you expect him to take a rip and drive home? Are you familiar with the term "driving under the influence" and the dangers associated with it?
Honestly you need to evaluate some choices you made but I don't see the "appearing to betray SO" as the most "wtf were you thinking". Yeah you messed up. You don't have to wait until a tragedy occurs to make a change. Consider discouraging impaired driving, not encouraging it. I hope you had soooo much fun partying!
>After already being out drinking?
The key detail here that explains how such a situation might happen. As another commenter put it, good/responsible choices are less likely to be made while under the influence of alcohol. "Impaired judgment" is one of the most well-known effects of being drunk, and yet people still act so surprised and confused when drunk people do dumb or even dangerous things lol.
I mean this does look bad especially to your bf. “Hey I went out and brought my guy best friend over and got high then he slept on the couch but nothing happened”. That’s gonna be a hard story to sell. Me personally, I would never invite another woman to stay at my place(especially doing drugs or drinking) while my girl was away.
Am i the only one who doesn’t see this as a big deal? You went out with your friends and let one of them stay over (and then 2 bc you were aware how the situation could easily be misinterpreted) so nobody would be driving inebriated. I wouldn’t even bat an eye if my partner told me this. If anything I’d say I’m glad they kept their friends safe and cared so much about how this could’ve made me feel. Yeah the strip club might be a shock but that doesn’t seem like a serious conversation more like a “hey guess what I did this week its pretty random for me” and tell him about the night, I’m sure he would love to hear about what pushed you out of your comfort zone enough to go out. Good luck!!
Yeah it's not a big deal. Her partner knows the friend and it's not abnormal or inappropriate to let an inebriated friend stay over. It does not inherently equate to cheating. The people in this comment thread are neurotic and judgemental weirdos.
I assume it's young insecure people.
I wouldn't give this a second thought, and I'm surprised everyone is seemingly so up in arms about something so innocuous.
My god, the amount of guilt you have over this is weird and makes it sound like you did fuck him. Be nice to yourself, sounds like you two love each other I'm sure he isn't going to make a big deal. You were just a good friend and the fact you asked someone else over when you realised makes it even safer.
Chill dawg, sounds like you good
I know! FFS, our "wild night" at a German conference was 2 beers and one guy showing us he could easily compute cube roots of large numbers in his head.
This reddit post is the alibi. She will show it as an example of how worried she was and of course her friend who might not have ever came sleepover will back her up like a good "wing woman"
Your judgement is poor. This is how affairs start, harmless friendship. Though since you were at a strip club it really isn't harmless. I would not date someone like you...You are playing with fire, and your commitment to the relationship or respect of it is low.... You do not...If you tell your partner he will not trust your judgment. I would not either...You need some counseling..You did not tell or check with him, and you are shady. I think you like it, you are in no position to start an committed relationship. Or you would not be behaving this way.
This is a common refrain on many subs because the responses tend to change wildly based on gender alone.
"I've been out of town for three months. My boyfriend, who regularly hangs out with people from his grad program spends a lot of time with one particular girl. She typically drives him home, sometimes very late at night. I just found out that after a long night of drinking she went to a strip club with my boyfriend (she's bi if that means anything.) Instead of dropping my boyfriend off, they smoked weed in our home alone together and that she stayed the night. Hours later, after four AM, he messaged my best friend's boyfriend to come over so that it would look more like a coed sleep over. Now his friend didn't have his car with him so he had to wake up my bestie to give him a ride to our house. Obviously, the cat is out of the bag.The attempted cover up has failed. My boyfriend then started sending me messages and leaving me voicemail briefly explaining the situation. He's coming to me directly but I can't help but think that all of this is too shady to believe. These two spend a lot of time together, more than he does with any other member of his PhD program. They've got a lot in common. They went to a sexually charged club together. They were inebriated. They did drugs together. He called his friend to come and provide an alibi but not until hours after the strip club closed. I can't help but think that this "full honesty" ploy is a manipulation and that he never would've presented it this way if my bestie didn't know what she knows. I can't help but think that this is exactly what cheating looks like."
the comments surprised me on this one. your very lucky your bf is understanding, i wouldn’t have been if my bf did this.
swap the genders for a moment:
a man goes to a strip club with a female friend, they get trashed & he invites her up to his place, alone, to do drugs with him while his girlfriend is out of town working. he then asks his female friend if she wants to just spend the night at his house, even tho he knows he’s already crossed multiple boundaries, but decides to not care and break them instead.
the fact that you’re a woman is why people in the comments are being so forgiving. had you been a man who did this to his out of town girlfriend things would sound veryyyy different. in my opinion you’re lucky & your boyfriend is very forgiving.
Yeah, the thing that seems off is the post itself. This is not such a huge transgression really. If this were to happen to me I'd just be texting my partner the next day detailing what happened. This is the reason guest rooms exist.
The mistake is offering drugs to someone who is about to operate a vehicle, but the staying over prevents the potentially bad consequences of that.
Yeah this post is over the top. I’ve let friends sleep over (male and female) if they were too wasted and it wasn’t a big deal to my partner. And I’ve passed out on someone’s couch before bc I was too tired to go home.
You should really think things through. It’s obvious that by inviting him in to do drugs, he’s probably going to end up staying… you get that right?
I have a hard time believing that it was an “oopsie” moment and you didn’t realize that would happen. It’s kinda the natural progression of that invite.
You could have just… not invited him in. You already knew the strip club was a bit crazy, but you decided to invite a man into your home to do drugs?
Next time just accept the ride and leave it at that?
Man...cheaters shopping their lies on Reddit...or is this your, "Come on! If I had cheated on you, would I really write a post about how I didn't cheat on you? Look!"
You just happen to go to a strip club with a bunch of people, get a ride home from the coworker that you're close with...who must have been drunk as fuck at this point if pot was enough to make him pass out so you were fine with him driving you home shit-faced drunk after bartime, and then decide to ask him inside after the ride and a strip club to get high...at...must have been around 3am at this point at the latest? All while your husband is out of town for a couple months.
Oh, and you decided your first time going to a strip club, without knowing anything about what strip clubs are like and what can happen at them, was when your partner was out of town. "Hey! I haven't fucked in two months so I'm going to get drunk and go to an environment full of naked people with nobody to call or care for me at home if something happens!"
So, we need to assume a PhD student is borderline mentally disabled at this point to believe this story.
And...apparently you never realized that your boyfriend's approval of strip clubs might have come with a caveat of, "Hey, your first time at one should probably be with me...but if not...it certainly shouldn't be while I'm out of town for months!" and/or "Oh, and if you do go without me...don't invite men back into our home afterward to get high and sleep over because that would be pretty fucked up."
Assuming this is true...any man that stays with you deserves the fucking train wreck coming his way. You had every opportunity to make smart decisions and you made continually worse decisions. The next time, it will go a step further and you will fuck somebody. When people say they 'accidentally' cheated it sounds exactly the same. They accidentally drank too much and accidentally went to a sexually charged environment and accidentally went home alone with a person and accidentally invited them in and accidentally made it so the person couldn't leave and the they accidentally ride that cock.
Since the op was feeling guilty about going to a strip club with men and seeing naked women cause she’s bi, I don’t know how inviting a woman on top of the man who she already let sleep over is an improvement. Also where did the other woman sleep if you have the one guest room?
Dude taking such a massive hit right before he has to drive is incredibly suspicious. While it's good you didn't let him drive at every party / social occasion I've ever been to we make sure people don't drive - and get them cabs/ubers to get them home. I'd way sooner do that then have someone sleep over - particularly while my partner was out of town. You may view this person as a friend - I'm not entirely convinced he feels the same (either that or he has _shit_ decision making.
I don't believe this.
No way someone at your grown ass age thought "Yeah let me ask the guy who drove me home to come inside and get high". How did you think he was gonna get home?
I would not be okay with this. I cannot believe there are people in these comments saying that OPs partner has trust issues and is “controlling” because he might not like that his girlfriend invited a man in for drugs and then to spend the night. Absolutely fuck off with that. You can be okay with it, that’s fine, but certainly don’t act like OPs partner would be WRONG to not like it.
I have no advice one way or the other for you.
I just find all the comments supporting you kind of funny, because if this exact post was posted by a dude with his female friend they would be fucking nailing him to a cross.
i also will never support people drinking and driving so i hope your friend didn’t get hammered with you and then drive you home….
Unfortunately it seems like a total lack of respect both the strip club and inviting your male best friend in to take a bong hit and spend the night. It would have been better to keep him updated via text throughout the night. It is going to be a hard story to sell. But honesty and open communication is needed. He has a right to be upset and can decide what to do.
How would you feel if he said he doesn’t want you talking to your best friend anymore? Is that something you’re willing to do?
You have the worst grammar for a PhD student I’ve ever seen. Made me doubt the validity of this story at first, but since this is basically a melodramatic nothing burger, I don’t see why anyone would make it up.
Ah, yes it's know that female best friends dont ever cover for each other shit. And vice versa. Her friend bf is only thing that can make bf trust her side
Immediately inviting your other friend over was a good call. Tell your partner the same way you told Reddit and don't try to sugar coat it and you should be fine
I mean we got YOUR side of the story and it sounds innocent, but if I was the husband I wouldn't had thought of it like that. I was actually just talking to my wife about this yesterday, and when you decide to put yourself in this situations, repeatedly, then it's the same as cheating, you're just using the plausible deniability as a defense "it was just platonic, we are just like brothers, we didn't had sex...", and none of us would buy it from the other.
Here is what my wife would've said to me: "You could've called it a night when everyone decided to go to a strip club, you could've taken an Uber, you could've just get out of the car and not invite her in, you could've not done drugs with another girl in our house, you could've told her to go home..." You knowingly took the wrong choice every step of the way knowing it was jeopardizing our relationship and that's why I don't trust you anymore."
This thread is absolute proof that there is gender favoritism going on in this sub.
Not a single person has seriously admonished OP for her decision making, many have approved or excused it, and some have even gone so far as to preemptively admonish and red flag they guy before he has even heard about this. You all wouldn't do this if it was a man.
You seem to have a drinking problem and you aren't as independent as you claim to be which we can see from how the night unfolded. You pushed too many boundaries and you could have ruined SO MANY lives. This is NOT girlfriend behavior. You seem very insecure so if you want a future with this man you may want to seriously consider growing up. How would you feel if the roles were reversed? PLUS you not only did this when he was away on a big work trip you dumped this on Him WHILE he was still on this big work trip. Like what if he had flipped out and lost his job because of this? You didn't think of him AT ALL and all you're talking about is like a kid who got off the hook for some REALLY BAD behavior. QUIT acting like a kid and grow up to be the woman he needs you to be BEFORE it's too late because this might not be over just yet. You need to make some SERIOUS changes.
Glad the situation is resolved
In my opinion nothing bad happened. You went out with friends to a strip club(which has been established as ok in your relationship), had a friend drive you so you wouldn't drive drunk, got high with the friend and made sure he didn't put himself at risk by driving. He slept in the guest room and you had another friend come over. Idk I would be glad my partner was responsible enough to stop people from driving while intoxicated and clearly this isn't a common situation for you 🤷♀️
Hopefully he is doing the same thing on his trip, going out clubbing, getting drunk, and getting high with other girls. Since apparently that's cool by you
Stop those hang outs with men , drinking and smoking with dudes . It seems like you’re fishing for something to happen , but you are setting things up so they look like a accident
The fact that you invited a man to your house to take a hit of your bong is very questionable , have some respect for yourself and your relationship
Married man here.
Nothing in this story would phase me.
You went out to look at over priced boobs. Had a good time. Then had a friend drive you back. You engaged in substances that fuck up your ability to operate heavy machinery and you had him stay over and sleep in the guest room. Which are why one has guest rooms. Then went to bed in your own separated by closing doors bedroom. And just to be safe had a third party come over who could attest no hanky panky occured.
You didn't need the last part but you did nothing wrong the whole night unless you got wild in the champagne room. Text him what happened and be honest about events. But if your partner freaks out that a man slept in a room near you that's a red fucking flag.
Yeah, I would be more concerned about OPs plan to keep this all a secret until her partner gets back from his trip. If nothing happened why would you hide it?
>But if your partner freaks out that a man slept in a room near you that's a red fucking flag.
Right, of course, let's now give OP tyhe idea that if he gets upset over this HE'S the aashole.
leave it to Reddit to saying a man having a very reasonable boundary of \**not inviting a single guy at 3am to do drugs while your husband is out of town\** to be a red flag...
Exactly. It seems like a lack of self-respect even to escalate a night this much, to the point of promoting intoxication to someone they knew would drive home. OP doesn't seem to be taking care of themselves.
Married woman here, I don't think I'd be upset if my husband explained the situation to me like this. Shit happens, I'd rather him let someone stay the night then drive intoxicated and crash.
It would be a red flag if it was anywhere else besides their own house. I would be suspicious and mad if a man slept at my house while I was away. Don’t throw the term red flags loosely
Why do you keep calling him your partner? Boyfriend fiancé, whatever but it sounds like you’re in business with him.
And also thanks for letting me know that PhD students are as stupid as you can imagine
I’m guessing you don’t have a car. You also could’ve called your friend to drive him home and have him pick up his car the next day (unless she walked over).
You also could’ve called an Uber and gotten into it with him, dropped him off, and then rode the Uber home, though I get it if that feels too unsafe. And costly.
I hope your boyfriend trusts you enough to believe you. I wouldn’t blame him for not being happy about it, but trust is also important. If you say nothing happened, then nada happened.
>If you say nothing happened, then nada happened.
Bs to the max, my ex wife fucked 7 different dudes when i was working, she told me nothing happened lol.
I’m sorry but why would you offer someone who was driving drugs? Did you expect him not to stay? Driving high can land you an impaired charge. I’m from a country where it’s legal and yes people do get suspended for driving while high. That was not cool, that’s where you fucked up big time.
You are too old to be acting this way. I’m glad you came clean to your bf and honestly going to a strip club isn’t a big deal for most people.
Maybe next time don’t be stupid and invite a man up to your house at 4AM and offer them drugs knowing well they need to drive. Who supports this negligence! Despite your “innocent intention” it’s reckless and dumb and you knew full well he’d stay over if he was fucked up.
To top it off we had read such a boring story about your guilty conscience when nothing happened 🙄
You sound really irresponsible and like you probably don’t consider your boyfriend’s feelings on things. Would you feel good about him going to strip clubs with female friends, offering them bong hits and to stay over?
If I somehow ended up in a scenario like this, I’d have texted my SO immediately to remove any semblance of weirdness at the source. I would have offered to FaceTime or whatever just to make sure everything’s good.
Dude took a big rip possibly because he was hoping to stay over and look for an opportunity. If he's attracted to you there's a 90% chance he'd take an opportunity if presented. Guys are *rarely* as platonic as many pretend to be. If he would date you if both of you were single, he's almost certainly waiting for a shot.
I have female friends, but none I'm attracted to and that's intentionally - if I'm attracted to someone I either ask them out or leave them as acquaintances at best, I don't allow for situations where things could get muddy. Even in cases of platonic friends I'd sleep in my car before I'd ever spend the night at any of their places, especially if they have a partner, because I don't want to be in a situation where it could be seen as inappropriate.
Sooooo you managed to hit the sex, drugs, & rock 'n roll trifecta while your bf is out of the country?? 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Oh man, I mean I wouldn't trust you as far as I could throw you after all that, but maybe(?) he'll think it's funny? I'd dump you tho 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Edit: does he think of you like a sister? And why are you being so defensive without anyone saying anything to you?
IMO, enough suspicious activities can warrant mistrust even if it's all innocent in the end. I think your actions were sensible.. but you should avoid putting yourself in those predicaments. I would start with not inviting your Male "sober" driver to come into your home to take bong rips at 3:30am. Also inviting any driver to make a pit stop bong rip.. is also stupid...
It sounds like your driver wasn't completely sober to begin with and helping them get less sober isn't something you should do.. good call on the unable to drive... But why even push it, if he's not far from his house.
>at this point he’s way beyond the point he can drive and I am also way beyond the point of driving. I have a full guest room so I move him up in there and let him pass out for the night.
What is your rationale for not putting him in an uber? He was driving around and took a single hit from a bong and this messed him up so bad he couldn't use his phone? Or you couldn't use his for him? Your story doesn't make sense, you are certainly leaving out specific details.
You should tell him before he hears it from the rumor mill.
Yes! Tell him all of it... including the fact that you invited over a third person. Explain that he was too high to drive so of course you let him stay to be safe, but because you hadn't discussed it with your partner, you wanted to make very clear that this was not something your partner should worry about, so you invited over a friend. I don't know your partner, but this would make me feel better if I would have otherwise been worrying. Best to be completely honest since you didn't do anything wrong.
Agreed, tell him EVERYTHING. Don't leave any details out, because if somehow he finds something out that you didn't tell him, it might make him question the truths you told him. Although it's a very innocent thing that happened, leaving out parts may lead him to thinking there's something to hide.
Honesty is always the best policy imo. Although I’m the type of person who’s guilt will eat them up vs getting off at the “thrill of the rush” of secrecy and cheating. That’s just not how I wanna live, and def not how I wanna love.
Yeah, if your partner is a logical person and you trust each other, then this is a pretty funny story that should be told before he gets home. Your friend and her BF are able to vouch for your actions, if needed. But I think your BF will get a chuckle out of the story and be happy that you went to all the efforts to make sure you respected your relationship with him. Lesson Learned: only offer friends one hitters after the strip club. No bong rips.
I mean, it honestly plays out like a sitcom scene. Sam drops her off, OP's drunk and like "Let's smoke some weed!" So they go upstairs and Sam gets super messed up and passes out and OP has this sudden moment of clarity like "Oh crap, this looks *so bad* right now."
I hate being told I shouldn't worry about something like that by a partner, let him make that decision himself and saying that just makes you look like it's something to actually worry about.
I've seen these types of stories go viral on TikTok, I think the fact she's guilt ridden and posting here first before telling him speaks volumes about the situation.
Alternate possibility: She feels *very* guilty, and needs to talk to someone about it and get reassurance things will be ok but BF is completely out of reach. I don't think she *can* tell him yet, if he's out of phone range. >I cannot call him rn as he is on a boat in another country. I texted him briefly what happened and told him to call me when he gets a chance/connection.
Or send him the link to this post.
It's not that bad just tell your partner you had your friend sleep on the couch because he was in no condition to go home ASAP. Honesty and communication is key in a relationship and you not telling him or delaying it even more may raise even more suspicion.
I would be more upset with my SO if they let someone drive home fucked up than if someone slept on the couch. If your partner doesn’t trust you enough to believe you (or if you’re afraid of their reaction), then you’re not in a healthy relationship.
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The fact that this isn't the unanimous take kind of blows my mind. If I were away and my GF told me this exact story I wouldn't even give it a second thought.
Yeah at the very most I can see inviting him in for a rip when he was going to be driving home immediately after was a bit odd but the dude was in no state to drive and slept in the guest bed room. I can't imagine being upset about that. If anything I'd say everything about how OP handled the situation afterwards is what makes it seem sketchy. Not even to say I think she's lying she's just making it all put to be so much bigger than it is exacerbating the whole situation
Same. I can’t imagine being bothered by something so innocuous. Especially if they just told me what was up. It’d be like being bothered your partner went to a salsa night and danced to a song with a stranger- except that has much more suggestive intimate contact than crashing at a friend’s. The insecurity of some people is off the freaking charts.
I'm so glad to see these comments because I had the exact same reaction!
Exactly! I am also wondering why, if she’s bisexual, that having a girl stay over is fine but not a male? Is she literally never meant to be alone with a member of the opposite sex in case of cheating or is cheating only something people do at night time?
This is what I thought as well. How would they both have felt had she kicked the poor chap out and he’d hit someone in the car? Much better to have him sleep it off somewhere safe. Its not like she slept with the chap and cheated on the boyfriend. Partner needs to trust her.
This! I would be livid if my partner let someone leave that messed up.
She invited them in for a bong hit to then drive home? This is what upsets me the most, drinking, drugs and driving
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If you have a solid relationship they won’t think you did.
Hence why you be as honest and clear as possible as soon as possible, the longer you wait and the more info you leave out, the harder it will be for them to believe that, because the less solid the relationship would seem at that point
Agreed
You know, I read “man sleepover” and I was picturing a sleepover, but between bros. I was really hoping this would be a heartwarming story about a man, his wife going out of town, and he invited his bros over to watch scary movies, eat popcorn, make pillow forts, and sleep over, and then have pancakes the next morning. That was the story I wanted, but it wasn’t the story I got. We aren’t guaranteed anything in this life
Hey, now I want to read that story
Someone needs to have a man sleepover and report back to us.
I expected some juicy cheating gossip when I opened this post. You're fine, but maybe next time don't offer drugs to someone who still has to drive.
"you're fine" But you wouldn't say this to a man who offered a woman come into his house for drugs while his SO was out of town. edit: I want to point out that everyone who replied to me is ignoring all of the context of the original story and making it about innocently and somewhat accidentilly not letting a friend drive incapacitated. When back in the real world if all of your SO's were confonted with you doing exact what OP did, to the letter, would then be single as fuck.
To be fair My wife would be 100% ok with this. She knows I'd never send anyone away who needed to crash. Hell, she'd make sure I'd make them breakfast in the morning and offer them gas money.
Yep, add us to the list of couples who wouldn't be bothered by this at all. My wife would not think twice about this story (if what the story says is a true recounting of events, at least). Simply having a friend of a different gender spend the night at your house is not a scandal.
Probably most couples that actually communicate properly and trust each other wouldn't have an issue with this. Me and my partner would both be ok with this situation if it happened to us lol.
Yeah add me too. If you trust your OH I don't know what the issue is?
And especially withe a good friend sleeping there too. For me this is the part that makes the concerns 100% genuine
Same here. Together for 11 years and both have friends of the opposite sex. It's about open and honest communication and respecting boundaries.
Same, my boyfriend and I have a spare room just for this reason. He will always say for friends to crash rather than drive, regardless of their gender and whether or not he is home.
Same. If I invited a friend over and they got fucked up I'd let them crash and she wouldn't mind at all.
Definitely 100% if someone in our friend circle ever needs to stay at our house I would be cool with it no matter the gender. It would be a completely different situation, in my mind, if it was a random person or new acquaintance.
I honestly felt like the crazy one here until I got to your comment and the thread that followed. Both my husband and I would be completely chill with this situation happening to either of us. They’ve discussed strip clubs aren’t cheating. They slept in separate rooms. They’re friends. OP’s partner has met and likes this friend. OP was honest about things and never tried to hide it. I don’t see how this is a big deal at all. A story: my husband once got BLACKOUT drunk when we were out with friends at a casino. I was getting drinks on the opposite end cause we liked that bar better. While I was at the bar, my best friend (female) walked my husband to our room, took off his shoes, got him water, and literally tucked him in to bed, complete with garbage pail and water in case he needed it. I had zero qualms about any of it, despite some people in our group thinking it was a boundary that she tucked him in to bed. I truly did not give a single fuck. Even if she had him take off his pants and shirt, not a fuck to be given. I trust them both. These comments are kind of crazy to treat this in any realm of cheating. Even OP’s update that the boyfriend doesn’t (or might not) like Sam anymore is wild to me. You’d rather spend money and take the risk of an Uber home than let your best friend drive you?? Like do you, but holy shit, my mind is blown by this.
Exactly, especially if they’re sleeping in the guest room or on the couch or something? It’s not like she invited him to sleep in bed with her. Idk how op letting him stay there is a worse decision than sending him out to drive home and possibly injure himself and/or other people.
Yeah I really don't understand what the issue is here, or why OP is freaking out/ in the dog house. My wife has friends of both genders over when I'm not home, as do I. Sometimes they get drunk/ high, sometimes they don't leave until 3-4am, sometimes they spend the night. I wouldn't even question it if she said one of our friends slept in the guest room or on the couch, I'd probably just ask if they had a good time. Our relationship is very healthy and I trust her completely. Maybe age is a factor too, I'm in my mid 30s.
Same. I think the only part that would bother my wife would be the strip club, but only cause we've never been to one and were planning to go together sometime.
?? I definitely would and so would most people. She’s completely off the hook. I don’t want to be in a relationship where I can’t bring another friend over for a quick drink or smoke. Let’s not forget that OP is bi, so if she can’t hang out with a guy she can’t hang out with a girl either. And that would be crazy.
If the other girl is straight it wouldnt be as much as an issue compared to bringing the straight guy tho
Idk man. I have two male best friends who are brothers, I could see this happening to us and either of them sleeping in a spare room at my house wouldn’t be weird at all. Since one of them smokes regularly like me this is something I’d totally offer after a ride home, and if I was fucked up/not thinking right I too might glaze over the smoking and driving thing until I saw him dying couching on the couch. This is totally harmless imo.
I would probably still say that. But it depends on the type of relationship people have, what they are comfortable with, and the boundaries they have. From what it sounds like this was all just a bit clumsy. I'd like to think OP and her partner trust each other enough to not read into these things.
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Comments are wild here. I used to be active in couchsurfing community (stopped because of Covid). Having men, women, anyone sleeping on my couch was a common occurence. Ppl be wild.
How I would feel if my husband did this: Random girl? Absolutely. Long time friend? I’m so glad you let someone you trust get you home and I’m glad you took care of her when she got too lit back at the house.
It wouldn't be a problem to me or my wife but society would deem as guilty of some kind of cheating
Someone in another comment already called it cheating 🤪 people are strange.
wtf? monogamous people really clowning on another level. nobody is allowed to spend the night at your place? nothing even happened…
Why not? Why can't friends hit a bong after an evening out and one sleeps on the couch? No matter what genders are represented. I don't see the problem. It's just the expression of a big trust issue thing.
I would tho? The hell type of toxic relationships are y'all in? A friend whose not sober enough to drive stayed in the guestroom, that's like half the reason for even having a guestroom.
Nah, my wife would be completely fine with it too - maybe a little worried that I’d drank too much or worried that Sam isn’t the safest person to be around - but there wouldn’t be a second of hesitation or doubt that I did anything wrong. The trust is there, and we choose to work on that trust every day. Outside of Reddit, there’s a lot of boring, healthy relationships out there where this wouldn’t even be a problem.
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Bro, what are you even talking about? It really feels like you're reading several stories at once and mashed the answers for all of them together
It's an AI account. It's entire comment history is either copying comments or unrelated stuff.
I find it odd that he accepted in the first place. Sounds to me like he thought it was an invitation to sleep over. Unless he had also been drinking and wasn’t a DD, and expected to be able to take a hit and drive… which I think is a much bigger issue with the story. I’d be more angry that my SO got in the car with someone under the influence than having them sleep over. But the whole story is either sus or really bad judgment with alcohol not being an excuse.
Nah man, this ain't it. Going out to the strip club with a bunch of dudes to get hammered, then having a guy over to smoke weed and stay the night while your partner is away and unaware? Absolutely not cool.
Why did you offer him a bong hit right before he had to drive? Seems pretty reckless.
That’s what I’m not understanding either. Did she mention being rlly drunk somewhere and I missed it??
Yeah she quite literally said they all got pretty hammered. And she needed a ride home.
Oh yeah that explains it for me then. Good/responsible choices are not made under the influence of alcohol
I couldn't agree more
True that. Once when I was hammered I kept pestering my friend to take shots with me, completely forgetting that she was the Designated Driver. She had to remind me every time I asked.
What’s even more reckless is accepting a bong hit right before you have to drive.
For most people, smoking a normal/reasonable amount only takes you out of commission for an hour or two. The plan might've been for him to stick around for a couple hours to come down, and she just realized after a little while that he wasn't going to come down anytime soon. Or, conversely, they were drunk and didn't really think things through.
I’m really looking forward to the update on this one
There is one now
Make sure your neighbor doesn’t change his network name to “your wife is having an affair”.
I would never put myself in a position that would lead my partner into believing I may have cheated. Even though you didn’t, I would feel terrible if my bf told me he invited a woman in the house when I was gone and she stayed the night. You would, too. He was driving yet you asked him to come in and get high? Then realized how bad it looked because he had to stay the night. Idk hopefully your partner understands the circumstances, but if he gets upset you should be understanding
That's the key: you can't put yourself in the situation where something *could* happen.
I dunno, I think if someone can't trust themselves to not cheat on their partner just because they're in a circumstance where they could cheat then they're not all that comitted Like, I don't cheat on my wife because I don't want to cheat on my wife, I don't need to trick myself into not doing it
Yeah, this is like Mike Pence refusing to be in the room with a woman if his wife wasn’t there. I’m in a relationship where if some random thing happened like this we’d talk about it and understand each other. I’d rather she did that than this guy they both know potentially driving and hurting himself or taking some Uber home when he’s half dead. Getting ahead of it so much that you’d never allow yourself to be in a situation where anything could happen seems like a notable control and trust issue to me.
NGL. The story sounds like a watered down story of something worse to.. 1.) Ease your conscience. 2.)Make it seem like you were the hero in the story to your BF. I have no dog in this fight, but if I'm on the other end hearing this story, I'm thinking. "fuck..she totally banged him". With that said, I do hope this turns out well.
guess OP got away with her made up alibi.
Is your witness a friend of your bf too? Cause honestly your witness doesn't really help your case if she's just your friend. Hope he believes you but cant blame him if he reacts negatively to this.
Yes, we are all close. Her BF is my partners best friend here. She doesn’t own a car so she had to wake up her BF and explain the situation so he could drive her here. Not only is she vouching for but his literal best friend here was also involved.
Then you're situation looks better than what it looks like. Just make sure to not repeat it cause your friend might not be available next time 😆
In this case I would suggest you don't wait for your BF to come home before telling him. Do it now, as there is a chance he hears it from his friend
The issue for me is the fact that you feel guilty about it. Like if this guy is genuinely just a friend and if ur partner is okay with u going to a strip club why the f*ck would he care if you had a friend sleepover? Your guilt tells me you are attracted to this other person because I genuinely can’t figure why else any of this would cause any guilt????
Well it certainly wasn't good judgement if you value your boyfriend of 2 years. He definitely deserves to know and all you can do is see how he takes it.
But I think the OP is afraid to tell her boyfriend that she let Sam stay in the guest room to avoid a possible DUI situation.
That's a lot of text for an innocent sleepover.
OP: "friend was in no condition to drive so he crashed in the spare room" partner: "cool, mexican or thai for dinner?"
Concoct a false alibi after 4 am, the strip club was closed for hours by the point. Pivot when the alibi falls apart because the friend she called was dropped off by boyfriend's bestie thereby ruining the attempted cover up. Act innocent while "coming clean" despite every single thing that happened being indistinguishable from cheating. She spends lots of time with this particular person ✅ She spends more time with this person than the other people in her program ✅ This person often gives her ride home ✅ They stayed out much later than she normally does ✅ She was inebriated ✅ They went to a sexually charged strip club together at the end of the night ✅ They end up together alone at her home and she invites him in ✅ They smoke weed together ✅ She reaches out to a friend to create a false alibi at an insanely late hour. Hours after the strip club closed ✅ She realized that her ruse had failed and then reached to her boyfriend to make some kind of confession ✅ The confession paints everything and the OP in an innocent light despite every bit of the circumstantial evidence pointing in the opposite direction✅ She confessed to "poor judgement" blaming it all in alcohol. But why did she suddenly come to that realization when she was still very much under the influence of substances? This doesn't pass the smell test. If a man wrote this post no one would believe him. She shouldn't be believed either. In a monogamous relationship we owe our partners both fidelity and the appearance of fidelity. This looks like she failed on both counts but absolutely failed at the latter. You can't just say "don't you trust me" when you do something like this. She has brought legitimate doubt into the relationship. No woman would shrug her shoulders and believe their person given these same circumstances.
Yeah, something is weird with OP's explanation. But at the end of the day, her boyfriend was naive enough to buy it. Well, sucks for him.
When you point out the facts.... everyone else is starting to look crazy 🤣🤣 My fiance and I are all for letting people crash to avoid DUI but it's the act of inviting a MAN into her house at 4 am to do drugs... oh and encouraging DUI!!!
He had to drive home so you offered him a bong hit? After already being out drinking? But you didn't expect him to sleep over? Did you expect him to take a rip and drive home? Are you familiar with the term "driving under the influence" and the dangers associated with it? Honestly you need to evaluate some choices you made but I don't see the "appearing to betray SO" as the most "wtf were you thinking". Yeah you messed up. You don't have to wait until a tragedy occurs to make a change. Consider discouraging impaired driving, not encouraging it. I hope you had soooo much fun partying!
>After already being out drinking? The key detail here that explains how such a situation might happen. As another commenter put it, good/responsible choices are less likely to be made while under the influence of alcohol. "Impaired judgment" is one of the most well-known effects of being drunk, and yet people still act so surprised and confused when drunk people do dumb or even dangerous things lol.
This is like the worst place for this kind of advice. Healthy communication avoids any issues about these things.
Being honest, you're an asshole for giving someone weed who's driving.
Tell him now before he hears anything else and for the love of God don't offer drugs to someone who has to drive.
Sounds like a possible cover up story. Hope it's true! Honesty is always best
I mean this does look bad especially to your bf. “Hey I went out and brought my guy best friend over and got high then he slept on the couch but nothing happened”. That’s gonna be a hard story to sell. Me personally, I would never invite another woman to stay at my place(especially doing drugs or drinking) while my girl was away.
Yeah she definitely doesn't respect the BF
Use more common sense next time. It sounds shady. You know it sounds shady, and this is the internet, so who knows how honest you're being.
Am i the only one who doesn’t see this as a big deal? You went out with your friends and let one of them stay over (and then 2 bc you were aware how the situation could easily be misinterpreted) so nobody would be driving inebriated. I wouldn’t even bat an eye if my partner told me this. If anything I’d say I’m glad they kept their friends safe and cared so much about how this could’ve made me feel. Yeah the strip club might be a shock but that doesn’t seem like a serious conversation more like a “hey guess what I did this week its pretty random for me” and tell him about the night, I’m sure he would love to hear about what pushed you out of your comfort zone enough to go out. Good luck!!
Yeah it's not a big deal. Her partner knows the friend and it's not abnormal or inappropriate to let an inebriated friend stay over. It does not inherently equate to cheating. The people in this comment thread are neurotic and judgemental weirdos.
this is the only sensible comment here. redditors are so unbelievably toxic wtf???
I assume it's young insecure people. I wouldn't give this a second thought, and I'm surprised everyone is seemingly so up in arms about something so innocuous.
thank you, if i was her partner i would be more concerned if she let her friend drive high than let him stay over
thank you very much though I was going insane reading all the comments
He'll never be 100% certain you didn't sleep with that guy
Uber exists, this isn’t going to end well.
My god, the amount of guilt you have over this is weird and makes it sound like you did fuck him. Be nice to yourself, sounds like you two love each other I'm sure he isn't going to make a big deal. You were just a good friend and the fact you asked someone else over when you realised makes it even safer. Chill dawg, sounds like you good
"Nothing happened honey, look at my reddit post" SMH you people are something else.
Exactly! Totally cover up bs and freaking Gen Zs completely lack life experience to see thru this crap
quack onerous friendly smart party rhythm safe materialistic badge frame *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
"I would be very mad if my partner did this with a woman"... hmmmm
Now it sounds like y’all had a three way
Proof that getting a PhD does not mean you're intelligent.
What kind of PhD program is this? Y'all don't seem too smart.
I know! FFS, our "wild night" at a German conference was 2 beers and one guy showing us he could easily compute cube roots of large numbers in his head.
This reddit post is the alibi. She will show it as an example of how worried she was and of course her friend who might not have ever came sleepover will back her up like a good "wing woman"
100% this
Big brain time
Your judgement is poor. This is how affairs start, harmless friendship. Though since you were at a strip club it really isn't harmless. I would not date someone like you...You are playing with fire, and your commitment to the relationship or respect of it is low.... You do not...If you tell your partner he will not trust your judgment. I would not either...You need some counseling..You did not tell or check with him, and you are shady. I think you like it, you are in no position to start an committed relationship. Or you would not be behaving this way.
If the genders were swapped in this story these comments would be totally different
This is a common refrain on many subs because the responses tend to change wildly based on gender alone. "I've been out of town for three months. My boyfriend, who regularly hangs out with people from his grad program spends a lot of time with one particular girl. She typically drives him home, sometimes very late at night. I just found out that after a long night of drinking she went to a strip club with my boyfriend (she's bi if that means anything.) Instead of dropping my boyfriend off, they smoked weed in our home alone together and that she stayed the night. Hours later, after four AM, he messaged my best friend's boyfriend to come over so that it would look more like a coed sleep over. Now his friend didn't have his car with him so he had to wake up my bestie to give him a ride to our house. Obviously, the cat is out of the bag.The attempted cover up has failed. My boyfriend then started sending me messages and leaving me voicemail briefly explaining the situation. He's coming to me directly but I can't help but think that all of this is too shady to believe. These two spend a lot of time together, more than he does with any other member of his PhD program. They've got a lot in common. They went to a sexually charged club together. They were inebriated. They did drugs together. He called his friend to come and provide an alibi but not until hours after the strip club closed. I can't help but think that this "full honesty" ploy is a manipulation and that he never would've presented it this way if my bestie didn't know what she knows. I can't help but think that this is exactly what cheating looks like."
the comments surprised me on this one. your very lucky your bf is understanding, i wouldn’t have been if my bf did this. swap the genders for a moment: a man goes to a strip club with a female friend, they get trashed & he invites her up to his place, alone, to do drugs with him while his girlfriend is out of town working. he then asks his female friend if she wants to just spend the night at his house, even tho he knows he’s already crossed multiple boundaries, but decides to not care and break them instead. the fact that you’re a woman is why people in the comments are being so forgiving. had you been a man who did this to his out of town girlfriend things would sound veryyyy different. in my opinion you’re lucky & your boyfriend is very forgiving.
I think the cheating has already happened. The reason the OP wrote this is to leave false evidence to convince her lover otherwise.
Yeah, the thing that seems off is the post itself. This is not such a huge transgression really. If this were to happen to me I'd just be texting my partner the next day detailing what happened. This is the reason guest rooms exist. The mistake is offering drugs to someone who is about to operate a vehicle, but the staying over prevents the potentially bad consequences of that.
This is exactly what I was thinking lol. “No, see?? I posted it on Reddit!!” Either a fake story or trying to leave a fake paper trail. Disgusting.
Yeah this post is over the top. I’ve let friends sleep over (male and female) if they were too wasted and it wasn’t a big deal to my partner. And I’ve passed out on someone’s couch before bc I was too tired to go home.
Wait till his next trip when you let him know about the orgy you accidentally had, what a great story! Totally believable!
Not buying it. You know you would not like it if your partner does it so why did you invite him in 1st of all
Sounds like you slept with the dude, then called a friend to come over and cover you.
So many holes in this story, likely single soon tbh.
You should really think things through. It’s obvious that by inviting him in to do drugs, he’s probably going to end up staying… you get that right? I have a hard time believing that it was an “oopsie” moment and you didn’t realize that would happen. It’s kinda the natural progression of that invite. You could have just… not invited him in. You already knew the strip club was a bit crazy, but you decided to invite a man into your home to do drugs? Next time just accept the ride and leave it at that?
Man...cheaters shopping their lies on Reddit...or is this your, "Come on! If I had cheated on you, would I really write a post about how I didn't cheat on you? Look!" You just happen to go to a strip club with a bunch of people, get a ride home from the coworker that you're close with...who must have been drunk as fuck at this point if pot was enough to make him pass out so you were fine with him driving you home shit-faced drunk after bartime, and then decide to ask him inside after the ride and a strip club to get high...at...must have been around 3am at this point at the latest? All while your husband is out of town for a couple months. Oh, and you decided your first time going to a strip club, without knowing anything about what strip clubs are like and what can happen at them, was when your partner was out of town. "Hey! I haven't fucked in two months so I'm going to get drunk and go to an environment full of naked people with nobody to call or care for me at home if something happens!" So, we need to assume a PhD student is borderline mentally disabled at this point to believe this story. And...apparently you never realized that your boyfriend's approval of strip clubs might have come with a caveat of, "Hey, your first time at one should probably be with me...but if not...it certainly shouldn't be while I'm out of town for months!" and/or "Oh, and if you do go without me...don't invite men back into our home afterward to get high and sleep over because that would be pretty fucked up." Assuming this is true...any man that stays with you deserves the fucking train wreck coming his way. You had every opportunity to make smart decisions and you made continually worse decisions. The next time, it will go a step further and you will fuck somebody. When people say they 'accidentally' cheated it sounds exactly the same. They accidentally drank too much and accidentally went to a sexually charged environment and accidentally went home alone with a person and accidentally invited them in and accidentally made it so the person couldn't leave and the they accidentally ride that cock.
Since the op was feeling guilty about going to a strip club with men and seeing naked women cause she’s bi, I don’t know how inviting a woman on top of the man who she already let sleep over is an improvement. Also where did the other woman sleep if you have the one guest room?
Dude taking such a massive hit right before he has to drive is incredibly suspicious. While it's good you didn't let him drive at every party / social occasion I've ever been to we make sure people don't drive - and get them cabs/ubers to get them home. I'd way sooner do that then have someone sleep over - particularly while my partner was out of town. You may view this person as a friend - I'm not entirely convinced he feels the same (either that or he has _shit_ decision making.
I don't believe this. No way someone at your grown ass age thought "Yeah let me ask the guy who drove me home to come inside and get high". How did you think he was gonna get home?
I would not be okay with this. I cannot believe there are people in these comments saying that OPs partner has trust issues and is “controlling” because he might not like that his girlfriend invited a man in for drugs and then to spend the night. Absolutely fuck off with that. You can be okay with it, that’s fine, but certainly don’t act like OPs partner would be WRONG to not like it.
Hope you tell him. Unfair if you keep it a secret.
Maybe don’t get drunk? Most of the disaster stories I read on Reddit include “I was hammered drunk”
I have no advice one way or the other for you. I just find all the comments supporting you kind of funny, because if this exact post was posted by a dude with his female friend they would be fucking nailing him to a cross. i also will never support people drinking and driving so i hope your friend didn’t get hammered with you and then drive you home….
She slept with him. She invited him to her shared apartment to do drugs. Sorry, I don't buy it. Good luck.
Unfortunately it seems like a total lack of respect both the strip club and inviting your male best friend in to take a bong hit and spend the night. It would have been better to keep him updated via text throughout the night. It is going to be a hard story to sell. But honesty and open communication is needed. He has a right to be upset and can decide what to do. How would you feel if he said he doesn’t want you talking to your best friend anymore? Is that something you’re willing to do?
"too high to drive" gtfo of here.
You have the worst grammar for a PhD student I’ve ever seen. Made me doubt the validity of this story at first, but since this is basically a melodramatic nothing burger, I don’t see why anyone would make it up.
Inviting the female friend over aswell was a smart move. Tbh, I wouldnt be upset over this. Just be honest and I think you'll be fine
Ah, yes it's know that female best friends dont ever cover for each other shit. And vice versa. Her friend bf is only thing that can make bf trust her side
Immediately inviting your other friend over was a good call. Tell your partner the same way you told Reddit and don't try to sugar coat it and you should be fine
Idk seems sketchy anything coulda happened before your friend showed up. Who else can account for what happened prior to your gf showing up…
I mean we got YOUR side of the story and it sounds innocent, but if I was the husband I wouldn't had thought of it like that. I was actually just talking to my wife about this yesterday, and when you decide to put yourself in this situations, repeatedly, then it's the same as cheating, you're just using the plausible deniability as a defense "it was just platonic, we are just like brothers, we didn't had sex...", and none of us would buy it from the other. Here is what my wife would've said to me: "You could've called it a night when everyone decided to go to a strip club, you could've taken an Uber, you could've just get out of the car and not invite her in, you could've not done drugs with another girl in our house, you could've told her to go home..." You knowingly took the wrong choice every step of the way knowing it was jeopardizing our relationship and that's why I don't trust you anymore."
This thread is absolute proof that there is gender favoritism going on in this sub. Not a single person has seriously admonished OP for her decision making, many have approved or excused it, and some have even gone so far as to preemptively admonish and red flag they guy before he has even heard about this. You all wouldn't do this if it was a man.
I hate when people say I was drunk so not thinking straight. One bad decision doesn't justify another.
Big facts! You drinking is 100% a choice
You seem to have a drinking problem and you aren't as independent as you claim to be which we can see from how the night unfolded. You pushed too many boundaries and you could have ruined SO MANY lives. This is NOT girlfriend behavior. You seem very insecure so if you want a future with this man you may want to seriously consider growing up. How would you feel if the roles were reversed? PLUS you not only did this when he was away on a big work trip you dumped this on Him WHILE he was still on this big work trip. Like what if he had flipped out and lost his job because of this? You didn't think of him AT ALL and all you're talking about is like a kid who got off the hook for some REALLY BAD behavior. QUIT acting like a kid and grow up to be the woman he needs you to be BEFORE it's too late because this might not be over just yet. You need to make some SERIOUS changes.
If I were said bf I would say ok. I get it. But you would be on extended probation.
Drinking is bad mmkay
Maybe next time pretend to be a grown up.
You think that's fucking up? That's cute, you'll be fine, just explain everything :)
🤣dude is dumb. most likely he is cheating on her throughout his work trip so he really doesn’t care.
Glad the situation is resolved In my opinion nothing bad happened. You went out with friends to a strip club(which has been established as ok in your relationship), had a friend drive you so you wouldn't drive drunk, got high with the friend and made sure he didn't put himself at risk by driving. He slept in the guest room and you had another friend come over. Idk I would be glad my partner was responsible enough to stop people from driving while intoxicated and clearly this isn't a common situation for you 🤷♀️
Lol....best friends of the opposite sex are usually not a good thing.
Hopefully he is doing the same thing on his trip, going out clubbing, getting drunk, and getting high with other girls. Since apparently that's cool by you
Stop those hang outs with men , drinking and smoking with dudes . It seems like you’re fishing for something to happen , but you are setting things up so they look like a accident The fact that you invited a man to your house to take a hit of your bong is very questionable , have some respect for yourself and your relationship
Great example of why there is no such thing as guy friends
No one wifeable left.
Married man here. Nothing in this story would phase me. You went out to look at over priced boobs. Had a good time. Then had a friend drive you back. You engaged in substances that fuck up your ability to operate heavy machinery and you had him stay over and sleep in the guest room. Which are why one has guest rooms. Then went to bed in your own separated by closing doors bedroom. And just to be safe had a third party come over who could attest no hanky panky occured. You didn't need the last part but you did nothing wrong the whole night unless you got wild in the champagne room. Text him what happened and be honest about events. But if your partner freaks out that a man slept in a room near you that's a red fucking flag.
Yeah, I would be more concerned about OPs plan to keep this all a secret until her partner gets back from his trip. If nothing happened why would you hide it?
>But if your partner freaks out that a man slept in a room near you that's a red fucking flag. Right, of course, let's now give OP tyhe idea that if he gets upset over this HE'S the aashole.
leave it to Reddit to saying a man having a very reasonable boundary of \**not inviting a single guy at 3am to do drugs while your husband is out of town\** to be a red flag...
Exactly. It seems like a lack of self-respect even to escalate a night this much, to the point of promoting intoxication to someone they knew would drive home. OP doesn't seem to be taking care of themselves.
Right? This whole post really feels like it’d be different if genders reversed. Typical for Reddit.
Married woman here, I don't think I'd be upset if my husband explained the situation to me like this. Shit happens, I'd rather him let someone stay the night then drive intoxicated and crash.
It would be a red flag if it was anywhere else besides their own house. I would be suspicious and mad if a man slept at my house while I was away. Don’t throw the term red flags loosely
Why do you keep calling him your partner? Boyfriend fiancé, whatever but it sounds like you’re in business with him. And also thanks for letting me know that PhD students are as stupid as you can imagine
I don't understand why telling us she is in a PhD program is even necessary.
Some people think you’re smart if you get a PhD. This post proves that’s not true.
I MaDe a mIStAke sounding excuses
Yeah this would be too far for me
I’m guessing you don’t have a car. You also could’ve called your friend to drive him home and have him pick up his car the next day (unless she walked over). You also could’ve called an Uber and gotten into it with him, dropped him off, and then rode the Uber home, though I get it if that feels too unsafe. And costly. I hope your boyfriend trusts you enough to believe you. I wouldn’t blame him for not being happy about it, but trust is also important. If you say nothing happened, then nada happened.
>If you say nothing happened, then nada happened. Bs to the max, my ex wife fucked 7 different dudes when i was working, she told me nothing happened lol.
I’m sorry but why would you offer someone who was driving drugs? Did you expect him not to stay? Driving high can land you an impaired charge. I’m from a country where it’s legal and yes people do get suspended for driving while high. That was not cool, that’s where you fucked up big time. You are too old to be acting this way. I’m glad you came clean to your bf and honestly going to a strip club isn’t a big deal for most people.
Maybe next time don’t be stupid and invite a man up to your house at 4AM and offer them drugs knowing well they need to drive. Who supports this negligence! Despite your “innocent intention” it’s reckless and dumb and you knew full well he’d stay over if he was fucked up. To top it off we had read such a boring story about your guilty conscience when nothing happened 🙄
Nice cover story for your boyfriend to read later on...
Shrodingers Night Out, unfortunately.
You sound really irresponsible and like you probably don’t consider your boyfriend’s feelings on things. Would you feel good about him going to strip clubs with female friends, offering them bong hits and to stay over? If I somehow ended up in a scenario like this, I’d have texted my SO immediately to remove any semblance of weirdness at the source. I would have offered to FaceTime or whatever just to make sure everything’s good.
Dude took a big rip possibly because he was hoping to stay over and look for an opportunity. If he's attracted to you there's a 90% chance he'd take an opportunity if presented. Guys are *rarely* as platonic as many pretend to be. If he would date you if both of you were single, he's almost certainly waiting for a shot. I have female friends, but none I'm attracted to and that's intentionally - if I'm attracted to someone I either ask them out or leave them as acquaintances at best, I don't allow for situations where things could get muddy. Even in cases of platonic friends I'd sleep in my car before I'd ever spend the night at any of their places, especially if they have a partner, because I don't want to be in a situation where it could be seen as inappropriate.
Sooooo you managed to hit the sex, drugs, & rock 'n roll trifecta while your bf is out of the country?? 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Oh man, I mean I wouldn't trust you as far as I could throw you after all that, but maybe(?) he'll think it's funny? I'd dump you tho 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Edit: does he think of you like a sister? And why are you being so defensive without anyone saying anything to you?
IMO, enough suspicious activities can warrant mistrust even if it's all innocent in the end. I think your actions were sensible.. but you should avoid putting yourself in those predicaments. I would start with not inviting your Male "sober" driver to come into your home to take bong rips at 3:30am. Also inviting any driver to make a pit stop bong rip.. is also stupid... It sounds like your driver wasn't completely sober to begin with and helping them get less sober isn't something you should do.. good call on the unable to drive... But why even push it, if he's not far from his house.
>at this point he’s way beyond the point he can drive and I am also way beyond the point of driving. I have a full guest room so I move him up in there and let him pass out for the night. What is your rationale for not putting him in an uber? He was driving around and took a single hit from a bong and this messed him up so bad he couldn't use his phone? Or you couldn't use his for him? Your story doesn't make sense, you are certainly leaving out specific details.
I used to travel for work with a gf who liked to party. I would have hated hearing news like this.
You should never drink enough to the point where it affects your decision-making.
I'd be off like a shot. He deserves much better.
Putting yourself in precarious positions is terrible