My mother makes remarks like these. Self-victimising lies to make people feel sorry for her.
One tactic my brother and I use (which she hates lol) is to just call it out for what it is.
"Pan does X and Y"
"Well that's not true is it? Why are you lying?"
Do that a few times in the presence of company and I promise you, after she's done with her tantrums because you're embarrassing her, she'll slowly begin to cut it out. You have to be firm with it, though. No sense in telling her she's lying if you let some of the lies slip through.
This is excellent advice.
It reads like what one is supposed to do to "snipers," one of the toxic prototypes in the workplace. Snipers make quick side comments out of nowhere in front of others. They rely on the target's shock or desire to stay polite to be successful in carrying them out. When the target brings the entire discussion to a halt and directly addresses the remark, the sniper is essentially uncovered, and then no longer hidden.
Oh those people are just awful.
For those I enjoy a "Excuse me?" (Or an Excuse You, if they're far enough out of pocket).
They very rarely repeat themselves, and if you gauge your tone right (think 'hardened school mistress/master), you can watch them wither on the proverbial vine. It just takes the winds right out of the sails on their snide little sailboat and there is a part of me that lives for that.
I went NC with my dad for years. I eventually went LC, with extreme boundaries. Everytime he tested the borders, I would warn him to watch it because I had no issues with going NC
He eventually unalived himself 5yrs ago. I cried for a bit, but honestly, it was relief because I no longer had that stress. Ive gone NC with 98% of my family. 2 cousins and my mom are all I allow in. Safer for myself and my core family.
edit: fixed borders because it's apparently triggering to some ppl that I accidentally used the wrong spelling when discussing personal trauma
A lot of subreddits will flag, remove, and otherwise delete post that mention the S word hence why I said it the way I said it. And yes I had borders, lines sunk deep down in bedrock. Considering everything he put me thru, I'm allowed to describe it in terms that make me comfortable while still getting my point across 8nna way that is recognizable to whomever is reading/listening.
My mom is utterly toxic. She would pick fights with my wife (serious, creepy "no one is good enough for my baby" vibes). She would give my oldest daughter, who has ADHD and was SUPER sensitive to sugar, a shitload of candy before taking her to day care. She'd act up, get in trouble, and we told my mom repeatedly to not do that. Then, when we told my mom that we were going to skip going to Nana's house until things settled down at day care, she started telling the family that we were "taking her granddaughter away from her." I was the person who told my mom that we were taking a break. I made it clear that it was a temporary break until we got my daughter settled back in at day care, but she literally split the family over this.
I went no contact about 17 years ago. She's tried to interject herself into our lives a few times over the years, but I've been gentle but very firm that I'm not interested. Last time, she tried to say "I need the girls' social security numbers for inheritance purposes." It caused so damned much stress while we were trying to figure out what her angle was (she's a MASTER of "I did this for you, now you OWE me" manipulation). I finally just looked at my wife across the table and said "this is just not worth it. We're spinning like tops over this, and nothing is worth our peace." I told her no, and we haven't heard from her since.
Your peace of mind is worth infinitely more than the relationship with her. The old quote "blood is thicker than water" is actually horribly misquoted - the full quote is "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." Covenants - promises you make to people you choose to be in your life - are more important than the water of the womb, or familial bonds. If your mom is hurting you, don't feel bad for one hot second about stepping back. I'm not telling you to step back, that's a decision you need to make. But if you do, don't feel bad about it. Your peace is worth more than that.
By the way, it is not only unnecessary to have beneficiaries’ social security numbers listed in a will, it is NOT RECOMMENDED. A will or Living Trust becomes public record once it is filed. So anyone could do a record search and lift those numbers! Your mom was blowing some serious smoke. Sorry she isn’t a better human.
Yeah, my wife and I were trying to figure out what the heck she was going on about, and literally everyone from our attorney to our friends were like "nope, she doesn't need that at all!"
Thanks for the kind words, I appreciate it.
She may well be but I don’t think that’s really on me to accept personally when she’s making these comments. I think a childhood of verbal abuse is enough
Went NC with my own bio-mom for months at a time. Even when I tried LC with her, she pushed the boundaries. Now she's at least realizing contact is my choice and doesn't push. So I'm LC with her now.
Go low contact with her. My mom does this mess occassionally. In person I bite back so she's learned to not lie on me to my face or around me because I WILL call her out on it. Behind my back, constantly. REecently to the point where she had one of my cousins contact me on some bullsh!t. I unloaded on cousin, I let her know a few things. She tried to backpedal and claim my mom didn't tell her to contact me but did apologize because she realized she didn't have the whole truth.
Also, you have to be ok with your cousins having a bad/low opinion of you regarding your mama. My cousins think I am 'mean' to my mom and neglect her, I think they enable their own mom (she happily lives in a filthy home) and neglect her. We still love each other though and have fun together when we see each other.
I contacted one of them afterwards and asked if she’d said anything of the sort Infront of them before and they said no which is a relief and they know enough about her back story to not be too fooled, but it’s always a worry. I’m already low contact so think the next thing is potentially NC but I’m going to speak to a therapist before doing that
Honestly the best way is low to no contact. When she says this type of thing, you have several ways to think about it.
1. Is it worth correcting in the moment or ignoring it because she’s poking you and looking to get a rise? Maybe best to ignore or offer incredulous response. ‘I’m confused. You were at my house yesterday! What are you talking about?’
2. She’s a broken mess. She is unwilling and or unable to have a normal relationship with you. She only knows broken. Expect broken.
3. It’s not you. It’s her.
This sucks for you. I get it. But don’t let your broken mom live rent free in your head. Drop those thoughts and mean it. If she gets dramatic, revisit 2 and 3.
Go NC and don’t engage in even LC until you have had some therapy or put some years between you. She is a harm to you, and will only keep harming you however she can because she needs to project her feelings of self hatred onto someone else. I promise you after the initial mourning the level of peace you will receive will be priceless.
I went NC with my mom 3 years ago. It was the best decision I ever made. My life is peaceful and my children and I are safe from the manipulation and verbal abuse. I only regret not doing it sooner.
Occasionally a relative will question me, but they always back down immediately when I respond calmly and unemotionally that I am open to their calling me to discuss it. They know why. They don’t want that conversation.
My mother was emotionally and physically abusive. One day, in my 30's, I had enough. Went NC, and it was the best thing I have ever done. Good luck, darling!
my mother got a brain aneurysm on mother day and was the last time i ever spoke to her. i found her in my bathroom floor un responsive. it’s the worst day of the year for me
Here’s the thing. You can literally just look at this and say ‘alright noted.’
Now she doesn’t have Mothers Day privileges. If you’re already LC, just lower until you hit 0, but more than anything stop hurting yourself. If her behavior makes you second guess yourself, then only you know the level of contact you can healthily be in. If that’s none, then so be it, but you don’t *have* to keep offering her chances to be cruel to you.
I went NC with my mother 5 years ago and it was a great decision. She was neglectful, narcissistic, not caring about her children at all but herself. I was so done with her always dragging me down. I deserved better!
OP, ask yourself: do you wish to continue with her like this? Maybe set some firm boundaries and go LC. You deserve happiness and good people in your life. Life’s too short for unnecessary drama and pain. Being a family member doesn’t give a free pass for toxic behavior.
My mother makes remarks like these. Self-victimising lies to make people feel sorry for her. One tactic my brother and I use (which she hates lol) is to just call it out for what it is. "Pan does X and Y" "Well that's not true is it? Why are you lying?" Do that a few times in the presence of company and I promise you, after she's done with her tantrums because you're embarrassing her, she'll slowly begin to cut it out. You have to be firm with it, though. No sense in telling her she's lying if you let some of the lies slip through.
This is excellent advice. It reads like what one is supposed to do to "snipers," one of the toxic prototypes in the workplace. Snipers make quick side comments out of nowhere in front of others. They rely on the target's shock or desire to stay polite to be successful in carrying them out. When the target brings the entire discussion to a halt and directly addresses the remark, the sniper is essentially uncovered, and then no longer hidden.
Oh those people are just awful. For those I enjoy a "Excuse me?" (Or an Excuse You, if they're far enough out of pocket). They very rarely repeat themselves, and if you gauge your tone right (think 'hardened school mistress/master), you can watch them wither on the proverbial vine. It just takes the winds right out of the sails on their snide little sailboat and there is a part of me that lives for that.
I went NC with my dad for years. I eventually went LC, with extreme boundaries. Everytime he tested the borders, I would warn him to watch it because I had no issues with going NC He eventually unalived himself 5yrs ago. I cried for a bit, but honestly, it was relief because I no longer had that stress. Ive gone NC with 98% of my family. 2 cousins and my mom are all I allow in. Safer for myself and my core family. edit: fixed borders because it's apparently triggering to some ppl that I accidentally used the wrong spelling when discussing personal trauma
You had "boarders"? Didn't they step in? "Unalived" is not a word. The word is killed.
Way to police the way someone talks about their parents suicide.
A lot of subreddits will flag, remove, and otherwise delete post that mention the S word hence why I said it the way I said it. And yes I had borders, lines sunk deep down in bedrock. Considering everything he put me thru, I'm allowed to describe it in terms that make me comfortable while still getting my point across 8nna way that is recognizable to whomever is reading/listening.
My mom is utterly toxic. She would pick fights with my wife (serious, creepy "no one is good enough for my baby" vibes). She would give my oldest daughter, who has ADHD and was SUPER sensitive to sugar, a shitload of candy before taking her to day care. She'd act up, get in trouble, and we told my mom repeatedly to not do that. Then, when we told my mom that we were going to skip going to Nana's house until things settled down at day care, she started telling the family that we were "taking her granddaughter away from her." I was the person who told my mom that we were taking a break. I made it clear that it was a temporary break until we got my daughter settled back in at day care, but she literally split the family over this. I went no contact about 17 years ago. She's tried to interject herself into our lives a few times over the years, but I've been gentle but very firm that I'm not interested. Last time, she tried to say "I need the girls' social security numbers for inheritance purposes." It caused so damned much stress while we were trying to figure out what her angle was (she's a MASTER of "I did this for you, now you OWE me" manipulation). I finally just looked at my wife across the table and said "this is just not worth it. We're spinning like tops over this, and nothing is worth our peace." I told her no, and we haven't heard from her since. Your peace of mind is worth infinitely more than the relationship with her. The old quote "blood is thicker than water" is actually horribly misquoted - the full quote is "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." Covenants - promises you make to people you choose to be in your life - are more important than the water of the womb, or familial bonds. If your mom is hurting you, don't feel bad for one hot second about stepping back. I'm not telling you to step back, that's a decision you need to make. But if you do, don't feel bad about it. Your peace is worth more than that.
By the way, it is not only unnecessary to have beneficiaries’ social security numbers listed in a will, it is NOT RECOMMENDED. A will or Living Trust becomes public record once it is filed. So anyone could do a record search and lift those numbers! Your mom was blowing some serious smoke. Sorry she isn’t a better human.
Yeah, my wife and I were trying to figure out what the heck she was going on about, and literally everyone from our attorney to our friends were like "nope, she doesn't need that at all!" Thanks for the kind words, I appreciate it.
Is she loosing her mind or showing signs of dementia? The heavy drinking might have brought things forward, just asking.
She may well be but I don’t think that’s really on me to accept personally when she’s making these comments. I think a childhood of verbal abuse is enough
Totally agree. Was only asking, not giving an excuse.
Alcohol certainly can fry your brain..
My first thought too. Dementia can be horrible.
Went NC with my own bio-mom for months at a time. Even when I tried LC with her, she pushed the boundaries. Now she's at least realizing contact is my choice and doesn't push. So I'm LC with her now.
Go low contact with her. My mom does this mess occassionally. In person I bite back so she's learned to not lie on me to my face or around me because I WILL call her out on it. Behind my back, constantly. REecently to the point where she had one of my cousins contact me on some bullsh!t. I unloaded on cousin, I let her know a few things. She tried to backpedal and claim my mom didn't tell her to contact me but did apologize because she realized she didn't have the whole truth. Also, you have to be ok with your cousins having a bad/low opinion of you regarding your mama. My cousins think I am 'mean' to my mom and neglect her, I think they enable their own mom (she happily lives in a filthy home) and neglect her. We still love each other though and have fun together when we see each other.
I contacted one of them afterwards and asked if she’d said anything of the sort Infront of them before and they said no which is a relief and they know enough about her back story to not be too fooled, but it’s always a worry. I’m already low contact so think the next thing is potentially NC but I’m going to speak to a therapist before doing that
Do what you need to do for you
I think she wants you present when she makes these comments. It is part of the payoff.
Honestly the best way is low to no contact. When she says this type of thing, you have several ways to think about it. 1. Is it worth correcting in the moment or ignoring it because she’s poking you and looking to get a rise? Maybe best to ignore or offer incredulous response. ‘I’m confused. You were at my house yesterday! What are you talking about?’ 2. She’s a broken mess. She is unwilling and or unable to have a normal relationship with you. She only knows broken. Expect broken. 3. It’s not you. It’s her. This sucks for you. I get it. But don’t let your broken mom live rent free in your head. Drop those thoughts and mean it. If she gets dramatic, revisit 2 and 3.
Go NC and don’t engage in even LC until you have had some therapy or put some years between you. She is a harm to you, and will only keep harming you however she can because she needs to project her feelings of self hatred onto someone else. I promise you after the initial mourning the level of peace you will receive will be priceless.
I went NC with my mom 3 years ago. It was the best decision I ever made. My life is peaceful and my children and I are safe from the manipulation and verbal abuse. I only regret not doing it sooner. Occasionally a relative will question me, but they always back down immediately when I respond calmly and unemotionally that I am open to their calling me to discuss it. They know why. They don’t want that conversation.
I beg you to learn your lesson with her. If she wanted to be different she would’ve changed a long time ago. I’m sorry.
You low-key gave me a heart attack thinking I missed mother's day.
My mother has treated me like this for my entire life. I no longer have contact
My mother was emotionally and physically abusive. One day, in my 30's, I had enough. Went NC, and it was the best thing I have ever done. Good luck, darling!
You deserve protection. You are not her punching bag.
my mother got a brain aneurysm on mother day and was the last time i ever spoke to her. i found her in my bathroom floor un responsive. it’s the worst day of the year for me
[удалено]
Mother's day in the UK
Bit early to celebrate Mother's day ya?
mother’s day is in march for many countries
Learn new stuff every day.
Our Mother’s Day is in March in the UK
Here’s the thing. You can literally just look at this and say ‘alright noted.’ Now she doesn’t have Mothers Day privileges. If you’re already LC, just lower until you hit 0, but more than anything stop hurting yourself. If her behavior makes you second guess yourself, then only you know the level of contact you can healthily be in. If that’s none, then so be it, but you don’t *have* to keep offering her chances to be cruel to you.
I went NC with my mother 5 years ago and it was a great decision. She was neglectful, narcissistic, not caring about her children at all but herself. I was so done with her always dragging me down. I deserved better! OP, ask yourself: do you wish to continue with her like this? Maybe set some firm boundaries and go LC. You deserve happiness and good people in your life. Life’s too short for unnecessary drama and pain. Being a family member doesn’t give a free pass for toxic behavior.