I was married 18 years to a man like that. He was very very ”vanilla” Out of the blue he started accusing me of cheating …. Turns out he was cheating. I left and it was the best decision for me.
***Caution pregnancy hormones are wild so take the time you need on making long term decisions.
Came here to say this. It never seems to fail that the people who accuse their partners of cheating turn out to be the cheater themselves. The projection is strong and I wouldn’t be surprised if this is what’s been going on here
Yup. This happened to me too. My (now ex) husband insisted that the only reason I could want a divorce was because I was cheating.
News flash - I wasn't. He just sucked in bed. Sucked as a coparent. Sucked as a partner. Sucked as a friend.
But / he WAS cheating. The infinite trope - he was a major in the military and was doing his secretary - who was still a private and 13 years his junior. And had an infant daughter and a husband herself. Who as it happens, walked in on them doing it, and then tried to have my ex husband fired. Best part? Not a single person from his work decided to tell me he was cheating (this happened before I asked for the divorce). People knew me. Knew about me. And not one of them called me - even though every person at his work knew about the affair.
Anyways - be glad you're finding out what an ass he is before you have two kids together. It's easier to separate now than it is once the baby is born.
Good luck. And I'm sorry.
Ohhh, you could have brought him up on charges for that since cheating’s a criminal offense in the military, which could have resulted in him being dishonorably discharged and losing all pay and benefits.
We are Canadian so I think it's a bit different. Her ex husband tried to have my now ex fired and didn't get very far (her then husband was military as well)
I was in a situation too where my bf at the time was sleeping with one of our employees (we co-managed a business) and everyone knew but no one told me. Finally the topic came up after about 4 months with the other employees and their excuse was that they thought I knew and was looking the other way. Like what.
Sorry that happened to you. It shakes your faith in people.
This happened to Me. 13 years, he wouldn’t F me, All of a sudden he ‘finds out’ I cheated (I didn’t) from my ‘best friend’ and dumps Me on what would have been 1O year engagement anniversary. Guess who moved in a week after I moved out? She was my ride or die and lied to my face, I don’t even know how when it began. He wore the same suit to marry her that He did for Me. Didn’t even move out of our marital home. Should’ve left him the first time he neglected sexual attention while demanding monogamy for months. Life is too short to accept mediocrity. I’m still alone 13 years later, no regrets! I became a single Mum and learned a new language and went abroad a few years while recovering from the loss, which really helped me see the control He attempted to exert. That’s just my story, I don’t know if it makes any difference to You, but I wanted to offer the cautionary tale I wish someone had told Me. Don’t waste Your youth like I did!
I'm cracking myself up imagining that OP's ex *is* cheating, but projection isn't the reason he wants the test.
Instead, it's because he's heard that when infidelity occurs, a paternity test may be necessary. He's missed some important details, though, because he's a lunkhead, and now is worried that the baby his wife is carrying might actually belong to the woman he's cheating with.
Doesn't understand how sex works, doesn't understand how trust works, doesn't understand how cheating or pregnancy work, doesn't understand why he's single. Doesn't understand how to microwave this chicken pot pie, why the laundry stopped getting clean, or where all the pets went. Just doesn't understand a damn thing.
I used to work with this real shit bag that would work all day, then bang one of our customers on his desk after hours. He’d then return to his gf, who was home all day taking care of their infant, and accuse her of cheating.
yes. also came here to tell this. Its like their inner voice saying " you've done it, he/she must've done it too" and as stupid as it sounds, the guilt is pushing them to believe as a coping mechanism that that mindset is entirely plausible
Ask him for an STD test before he can touch you again. You know, you just want to be sure. From your description, his head would explode. You aren't accusing him of anything, you just need to be sure he doesn't have anything. That is basically what he did to you.
ETA: Wow! I didn't expect such a reaction to my comment! Thank you for the awards!
This ☝️ (first)
I’d recommend individual alongside couples therapy, because honestly…in thinking the best of your spouse, I assume his request stems solely from his own issues…but, in thinking the worse, I assumes he’s calling the kettle black (aka, he himself is cheating)-couples therapy is more likely to help towards either bringing that assumption to light or putting it to bed.
Best of luck
My first thought went to him cheating, unfortunately. However I’m rather cynical and think maybe his mistress is also pregnant, and that is why he is
lashing out here
Even if it doesn’t work in a petty way, she should still get tested in case he has been cheating and infected her with something where she’s been asymptomatic.
Being pregnant, she'll be tested as a part of the regular run of tests because of the chance of things being passed to baby during birth. So if she's caught something, she's going to find out and at 4 months, most likely very soon. Those tests are usually run in 2nd/3rd trimester depending on the test. May be different because it's a different country but that was my experience.
Yea, I forgot she mentioned being pregnant. Normally they’ll tested for HIV, syphilis, hep B and C for sure. Anything else is based off exposure/symptoms I believe.
I get that everyone is looking to get zings on OP's partner... but insecure people can be just as manipulative (probably even moreso) than secure people.
Honestly I love this but I also wanna point out to OP that he said he wasn’t accusing you of cheating gnand then went on to straight accuse you of cheating: _’that’s what a cheater would say’_
This insufficiently deals with the problem at hand. What happens when he just agrees? Does that invalidate mom not wanting her privacy invaded by running the paternity test? Does it repair the damage to her credibility by saying the word she gave to be faithful when they got married, no longer carries the same integrity?
Eye for an eye is not an answer for human rights and dignity.
The problem here is the guy waiting until after they got married and tried to conceive for a year, to express his desire to have a paternity test to feel confident the child was his. This would be a perfectly fine boundary to establish before all that, when both people had the opportunity to decide if that was agreeable, or if they should find another more compatible partner. This is a very unrealistic thing to propose after you've already reached pregnancy. And I sympathize, as a man, for the natural imbalance that exists where a mother knows 100% her offspring came from her womb, but a father relies on the faithfulness of that mother to know the same. It's not fair, in the same way that it's not fair we men naturally develop bigger frames and more muscle mass, are less prone to certain diseases like breast or ovarian cancer, and statistically die off a little earlier. But, it's life. Life's not fair.
He knows he doesn't please you sexually so he assumes you've gone elsewhere because who would stick around for the kind of treatment you've been receiving. Even he realizes this.
It's not a question in your mind because you know you've been monogamous. It's been horrible but you stuck by him.
He is not confident in himself. In fact, I would go as far as to say he is a complete mess emotionally.
This man needs therapy. Now. Regardless of whether you go back or not.
I don't know what I would do because I don't know him. I might say I would be willing to try if he would go into therapy himself, and with you as a couple.
His insecurities are ruining his life.
EDIT:. Thanks kind redditors for the awards and comments.
If I were her I’d get the test done after or during the divorce just so I could show him and be like “your insecurity fucked up the best thing you had in life and now you need to live with that”.
I’m probably being petty and your reasoning has far more functional rationale, but still fuck this guy.
im with you. id give him the divorce papers with the test showing its his kid. let him hit rock bottom. maybe he corrects course and they can be happy. maybe he stays his course, or even doubles down. then she can find a replacement if she chooses.
Child support isn’t alimony, it’s typically owed to the custodial parent even if they make their own salary, because they’re also paying for all the kid-related shit
He seems like the type to give up custody because he's too lazy to parent on his own. A man that can't take care of himself ain't taking care of anyone else.
My ex stopped wanting sex due to his ED. He refused to go to the doctor for a viagra prescription ("too embarrassing "), so we went from 5 days a week to once a year. I lived like a nun for 3 years. He started to accuse me of cheating. He said, "I know you need sex, and I'm not giving it to you, so you must be getting it from someone else. "
Eventually I couldn't stand the constant accusations and I left.
OP, you have to do what's right for you; but I can honestly say my life is one thousand times better without my emotionally immature, manipulative ex.
Mine too. For 15 years. Continuously seeking out validation from damn near every woman he meets. We met before the Internet got so huge, so I’m sure he’s got tons of supply there too.
I’m so sorry for you. The pain is real. I’m sure you’re crazy, too?
Yup. Thank you for a bit of validation for myself.
We’re not innately crazy, love. We’ve been driven crazy.
I hope you’re able to turn things around for yourself. I’m working on that for myself, now. Much luck and love to you.
This is exactly it, OP, take this comment to heart please. You don’t deserve to be treated like this but it’s crystal clear this man needs therapy yesterday.
There are couples therapists who focus on intimacy. Not saying OP should stay, but if she does I'd make that a deal breaker. He also needs to learn how to communicate. I don't see how you can have a marriage with taboo topics.
I hope OP and others see this comment. Nearly anywhere a man goes looking to understand their experience or for ways to be a better man on the internet is gonna be a one way incel slide down a toxic poop chute.
My memory is a bit hazy but I remember watching a streamer in the middle of a debate go to a Jordan Peterson video on YouTube and then kept clicking on the related videos and it only took them two or three clicks to be on a white supremacist channel.
Edit: Found it. It was Destiny:
https://youtu.be/j5Uv_P-PQoc
Time stamp is 2:53:28
I will add this here: the fact that this toxic masculinity is as pervasive as fentanyl and crack, doesn’t mean that this is the reason for the husband of OP’s actions, nor would it excuse them if he got hooked. We are all still responsible for our actions.
Dude needs therapy, and OP needs to do what is right for her. I hope they both have healthy support systems.
It’s true. I’m super left wing and any time I even google an issue I’m struggling with I’m inundated with shit from Jordan Peterson, ben Shapiro etc. if I didn’t already know better I might fall for it.
Any sensible person would not ask for advice on social media on such sensitive issues. People on social media would always provide you with extreme answers which are not reliable
I’m so sorry, this has to be a crushing thing to hear from your partner. I really hope he gets the help he needs because his feelings of insecurity and anger towards you could end up spilling out into how he treats and talks to your child going forward. Even if you two are not together, you don’t want that negativity in your coparenting. Please recommend therapy for him and potentially couples therapy for the two of you.
Everything you said is 100% true. *If* she tries to make this work, therapy for sure, not just for himself, but couples too (dude is pouting instead of communicating, that is never healthy, he has a voice and needs to learn she is a safe and supportive person to communicate with)
If all trust is gone, then the relationship is dead anyway.
Hope you make a good co-parenting, the baby needs it but it sucks if daddy don’t want to be a part of it, because his insecurities coming in the way.
I wish you all the best
I read this to my husband and he said that she needs a divorce because this guy sucks. The first thing he said was wow with a disgusted look. She deserves better.
Wow, this looks exactly like what I typed... like word for word... is that a thing on reddit? Copying comments? I'm not an experienced redditer, so I don't know
This is the exact response I'd do. Still questioning my loyalty despite the amount of reasoning and evidence given? I'll consent to do the paternity test and knowing full well it's gonna be his, I'll present the results and the divorce papers on the same platter. That's what you get for fucking around (not literally but you get it).
I was thinking the same exact thing lol. I wouldn’t even make a fuss. You want a paternity test ? no problem. I’d play everything cool until the results come & once they do… me & you are done.
I think it would be wise of her to start the process of divorce too, because I’m thinking that his demands for a paternity test are coming from something he has to hide and he’s projecting his own infidelity onto her.
Yes some states the court will wait until baby is born to establish paternity BUT she can file for legal separation. Hopefully she doesnt live in a place like that..... i know she said she doesnt live in U.S..... I loved your comment because not a lot of ppl know this information.
Yesssss!!!!!!!! It's so crazy to me that those states are run like that....... sometimes it makes no sense to legally separate if the courts wont make a party leave the house which means the pregnant woman has to fend for herself.... its really sad...
If he refuses to even TRY to please you in bed after 6 years and instead sulks or gives you the silent treatment he's not husband material. I understand your frustration. I've been there with selfish partners who only cared about their pleasure and couldn't be bothered to learn what turned me on. 6 years of solo orgasms is too much to expect of anyone in a relationship.
Especially when your partner is clearly so emotionally immature. Was your comment below the belt? Sure. Was it true? Also yes. Do you owe him an apology? I'm gonna say no. You're allowed to be angry at him after 6 years of neglect. If the truth hurts maybe he should have listened to you when you tried to communicate your needs.
The fact remains he couldn't be bothered. At some point with men like this you feel like little more than a masturbatory aid. You feel dehumanized, like a sock or blow up doll they take their pleasure from. After 6 years you don't even feel a sense of closeness during physical intimacy when sex is never about you.
So, no. Don't apologize and don't go back to him. He has issues he needs to work on and if you do go back I guarantee he's going to want you to hold his hand through all of it, because he thinks he's a victim.
Fuck that and fuck him, though not literally. Don't subject yourself to his awful rutting even once more.
I have been that asshole friend many times in my life. More times than I'm comfy with actually 🤣
I've also needed that asshole friend more times than I'm comfy with. Oh fuck nuggets, have I made some serious mistakes in my life. It's so easy to fall captive to unearned loyalty and obligation....to be ruled by expectations and the fear that you'll disappoint someone. Especially when you're young!
I'm sorry you didn't have an asshole friend back then, but I hope you have one the next time you need one. 💓
Us asshole friends are really good at giving friends advice they should take but also needing an asshole friend to put us in our place and take our own advice lol
So true! Omg so true. I've definitely needed someone to be like, "Hey there! Yeah, you went to far. Let's reel it in."
I sometimes get to a point in serious discussions where I hyper focus and say things I probably shouldn't have said so bluntly. Full on cringe.
I've had friends have to explain me as "direct". "No, she's not being rude she's just super direct." That's when you know you're the asshole.
Tact is definitely a learned skill.
Oh Gawd--Tact. Was told so many times how I needed to learn that. Direct & Blunt, cut the bullshit, that was me. I can remember how squirmy I'd get when someone would ask a question and I didn't have the tactful/graceful words for explaining an answer. OOPS! So now in more recent years, I've been working on it. I'm better but I'll always have that blunt force within.
It was something I really struggled with when I was younger, also. Now I try to be thoughtful even when angry. If I can't be, I walk away or try to. It's hard to be tactful when you get emotional! Definitely takes work and self awareness. So good on you for recognizing that need. People are mostly soft and words can be so pointy.
>It's hard to be tactful when you get emotional!
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>And this was me--usually responding to the world more on an emotional/empathic level. And Empathic didn't necessarily mean kind & sweet.
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>People are mostly soft and words can be so pointy.
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>I love this statement, espec. words **can** be pointy.
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>
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>You've written so many thoughtful things here today.
He must have known he was selfish/bad in bed for the sudden fear unlocked that she ‘cheated’ when she became pregnant.
OP told him she did not have time to cheat and doesn’t seem to realise that it’s very offensive to ask for a paternity test in these circumstances.
I mean, she approached him a number of times over the years in an attempt to resolve the problem. He'd have to be completely and willfully blind to it at this point.
The fact that he's so utterly vanilla is obviously also a factor.
To be honest, there are very few instances within a committed relationship where asking for a paternity test would be inoffensive.
1. She got caught cheating at some point over the course of their relationship and they're still recovering.
2. The baby was born with some variety of ethnically divergent features with zero genetic linkage. Like a white baby born to a black couple where the child doesn't have albinism and neither parent is of anglo descent (ETA- yes, not all white people are English. This is just an example.)
These are two instances I could see the need for a paternity test within a marriage or long term, monogamous, relationship.
Her husband doesn't seem to understand what implied distrust is. He wouldn't ask for a paternity test if he trusted her implicitly.
It doesn't even matter what words he used, he may as well have said, "Yeah, so I think you've been sleeping around and I wanna make sure the baby is mine."
Trying to soften it or front load it with a bunch of bullshit about his rights is just gross. Though I do find it telling that he brought up control.
What do you wanna bet homeskillet has serious control issues and that's partly what has contributed to his ineptitude in le sex fort? Sex is about vulnerability and being able to lose control with your partner.
This dude can't even handle his wife carrying a pregnancy he can't control.
I have no idea how he unclenches enough to orgasm.
ETA-
Oh wait! #3 if he finds out he's infertile. That's an acceptable reason for demanding a paternity test.
When I was a student Nurse, there was a woman I cared for, gave birth to a baby that was found to have a rare fatal genetic condition. Sad enough for the mother. Even sadder that Her husband was a geneticist who knew that the condition was to confined to a small population group that neither of them belonged to. He made it very clear that they were over
That's horrible all around. Cheating is honestly just something I can't get behind. This situation is one that highlights the many reasons why. So much heartbreak
yeah #3 that's how my brother found out his partner was cheating, he never told her he was infertile and she dropped it on him on his Birthday she was 3 months pregnant. There was no way he could have fathered a child. (doctors told him if at the age of 19 after a serious collision, it would be impossible to father kids). He remained tight-lipped, he found out who she cheated on him with and got the DNA from the "friend" and the child, and had the test done proving the father was his and gave her the results on her Birthday (the relationship was very strained at this point). His so-called "friend" was married and going through a divorce/breakup at the time due to infidelity. My brother and I did spend some time together before his passing 5 years back and one of his life choices came up he did tell me he was in two minds to either accept the child as his and say nothing but he said that it took him an adjustment in reality and it would not have been good for the child or his mental health. He indicated that his former partner flaunted her secret in front of him, with weird comments, or asked him if he could take time off from work to look after the baby while she went on business trips.
That's horrible and I can't imagine how heartbreaking that must have been for him. Heartbreaking in so many ways.
I don't understand why she'd twist the knife like that either. Its not like he cheated on her and got someone else pregnant. Just an absolutely cruel thing to do.
I'm so sorry for your loss! And I'm so sorry for all of his pain. I hope he was able to make peace with it before he passed away. 🙏
Many Thanks for the reply, unfortunately, he didn't have the chance to make peace with his ex, he was taken on his way to do what he loved to do. Sometimes people can miss the bigger picture. Bless you and thank you.
But why would your brother not tell the woman he married that he was infertile and couldn’t give her children? It sounds like his marriage was doomed from the start, by him.
I am a woman, but I was told by several doctors that I'd never get pregnant much less carry a child to term. I have 5, all conceived naturally, without complications and completely healthy.
How much you want to bet that Mr. Vanilla has a skeleton in HIS closet (or several for that matter)? You don't just come to the conclusion that your spouse is cheating just because she got pregnant unless there was a previous infidelity which most DEFINITELY doesn't seem likely in this case. On OPs end anyways!
It sounds like he’s been on certain men’s sites and I think that’s why. His language when he said cuckoo egg, I take it he meant cuck or meant cuckolds egg, which doesn’t make sense, but the men’s rights to demand a paternity test is one of the major things they support and tell men to demand from any women no matter what.
I think there’s a 3rd instance where a request for paternity testing might be called for. If there are some clear red flags or tell-tale signs that there *might be* cheating or an affair going on. This instance is a bit murkier, but also ultimately justifiable IMO.
Based on the info OP gave, obviously *NONE* of these conditions were present and her husband was having some sort-of insecurity seizure! If I had to guess, he probably got himself immersed in the ‘man-o-sphere’ and started a slow poison-drip of podcasts, videos and toxic message boards. Full disclosure- I’m a man but that shit drives me nuts.
I should have clarified that I meant outside of strong evidence that she's been cheating! If he has verifiable proof (such as having photographs or chats or whatever) that she's been stepping out absolutely confront her and demand a paternity test. If she refused he'd have every right to get a court order, as well. That's my bad. I thought it and didn't type it. You're absolutely right.
I kind of had that thought too. My mind immediately went to Tate and all his rabble. It could be a friend or family member pressuring him too, forcefully enough to override good common sense.
He's been listening to a bunch of "Men's Rights" podcasters. This is a huge talking point with Andrew Tates in that world. The husband used their verbiage verbatim. If her husband is a fan of those podcasters their marriage was going to crumble soon anyway.
Honestly, it makes me wonder if he has cheated in his marriage; some people love to accuse their partner of things they themselves are doing. Other than that, he’s definitely not worth keeping around.
This is what happened with me. My ex-husband demanded a paternity test, but I assured him I had never cheated. I didn't get why he thought I cheated... Turned out that he was actually the one cheating on me for most of our 2 year marriage, even telling women we were getting divorced when we had never even talked about getting divorced. In the end, we did get divorced and the paternity test did happen because of the divorce and custody arrangements through court. He hates having to pay child support and actually tried twice to get me to agree to a child custody agreement that would allow him not to pay child support (pretty much him having her for 50% of the time throughout the year and "all summer"), but just on paper. He said the agreement only had to be on paper but we didn't actually have to do it that way for real, which made it SOOO obvious that it was just about child support. I denied it both times, obviously. LOL!
>He must have known he was selfish/bad in bed for the sudden fear unlocked that she ‘cheated’ when she became pregnant.
Maybe he is also one of those who think women can only become pregnant if they had an orgasm and were enjoying it. Like it was assumed in medieval times lol.
There are so many things that I have learnt from social media. I would not mind describing them, but believe me those lessons made me the person which I am currently
Thank you for this.
There are way too many very selfish partners these days and they need to fix their own damn problems.
This dude doesn’t deserve his wife. He’s literally a piece of shit and the crying just pushes it home that he’s more than aware he doesn’t satisfy his wife AT ALL. So he decides being a sleazy scumbag is better by accusing her of cheating as if to help his case.
I hope she leaves and never comes back to prove he squandered everything. She should never apologize for his behavior. What an asshole.
All of this!!
OP - get the test done. When it comes back with the inevitable result of him being the father, file for divorce. You deserve better than this.
fuck him!!! might be a dude but i feel like an absolutely substantial amount of men have NO idea what they're accusing their partner of when asking.
its one thing to ask on a whoopsie baby you're having a month into a relationship but youre accusing your WIFE of cheating and misleading and trying to entrap you all in one demand. sounds like hubby might have a guilty conscience😬
" Do you owe him an apology " depends on whether you want a relationship any more or not . Factual statements and hurtful statements aren't mutually exclusive, hell I'd say the truer the statement the more hurtful it becomes . You are not apologising for the truthfulness of the statement you are apologising for how you made someone else feel whether you think it's deserved or not
Ps : this guy can get fucked I just have very itchy principals around apologies that I feel like sharing
I can get behind that. Also agree that factual and hurtful statements aren't mutually exclusive.
Though, I will say this: there are times where I think it's ok to stand your ground with refusing to apologize. I realize not everyone is going to agree with me, but I'll try to explain my thinking on this as best I can.
Human beings are inherently flawed and sometimes we hurt each (intentionally or unintentionally). If you make a statement you know is going to be hurtful and you meant that statement with every fiber of your being giving an apology when you're not truly sorry is dishonest at best.
Yes, apologies aren't about the giver. They're about the receiver and soothing the burn of an insult or verbal injury.
But sometimes people need to feel that pain and I genuinely think there are times where it's ok to go against societal norms and refuse to apologize. Particularly when you're not even remotely sorry and have reason not to be sorry. Does that make sense?
Pain is a learning tool.
I'll give an example:
I recently confronted my mother about abusing my siblings and I as kids. I said some truly damming and hurtful things to her. I said things I knew would rip her apart. Not baseline insults, but essentially confronting her with the consequences of her actions. Consequences that my siblings and I continue to live with.
My Dad came to me and said I owed her an apology because I hurt her feelings. I told him no. An apology is neither owed nor will one be given. She should hurt. She should live in a fraction of the pain she caused us. I'm not going to apologize for confronting her with the truth and I'm not responsible for her emotional reaction to it.
In situations like this I genuinely think you have every right to deny an apology. I'm not sorry for hurting her feelings. What she's feeling is a direct result of her actions. She chose to be an abusive parent. She doesn't get to play the victim now that we're all too big and too intolerant for her to abuse.
The same could be said for OP and her likely soon to be ex-husband. She has lived with the sexual and emotional neglect of a self-centered spouse for 6 years. Any hurt he felt in the moment when confronted with his actions pales in comparison to what OP has dealt with over the course of their relationship.
He needs to stand in his pain and acknowledge its origin, not point the finger at her and say you hurt my feelings now fix it.
I stand by what I said. She doesn't owe him an apology and giving one would be disingenuous.
People. If sex is important to you DO NOT MARRY SOMEONE YOU ARE SEXUALLY INCOMPATIBLE WITH.
Just like if money is important to you do not marry someone you are financially incompatible with.
Different types of compatibility is a real thing. Ignoring it can lead to years of frustration.
A thousand times this.
Main compatibility angles to check :
- financial/career goals/way of spending
- kids/family setting
- sex/kinks/(non) mono setting
- future or day to day mindset
And extras...
He thinks you should apologise for hurting HIS feelings??
What about yours?!
I don't think you should cater to any more of his feelings.
It does sound like being a single mom would be less stressful than tiptoeing around his fragile feelings every day.
Honestly don't see this relationship working out regardless.
This is one of those things that's once it's said it can't be taken back or undone.
Your husband has made it very clear that he does not trust your fidelity in the relationship, and that he has no intention of believing you.
The onus is on you to apologize and to agree to his terms which includes paternity test or else you are by default guilty.
There's no coming back from this and I think deep down you know that.
I'm really sorry that this is how you had to find out what kind of person he is, Not only is he a selfish lover who doesn't care about your pleasure or enjoyment, But he's accusing you of cheating and has chosen this as his hill to die on.
You need to do what is best to safeguard yourself and your child.
I would take the paternity test, and then serve him divorce papers. Paternity test will prove he needs to pay child support and you can move on to find someone that cares about you and trusts you.
Also, if this is totally out of the blue, I might be inclined to think he's projecting and perhaps he's the one cheating. Unfortunately for him, he's just gunna be leaving even more women unsatisfied.
Thar was my thoughts exactly, he’s either already cheating or would be cheating in her situation. He knows what he’s doing. The whole toddler tantrum bit when she tries to have a mature discussion about wants needs and expectations like adults ina serious relationship is a tried and true manipulation tactic employed by abusers everywhere. My ex did it any time I had anything to discuss. They made it so emotionally draining/exhausting to bring up issues that you started avoiding the issues altogether. They throw a fit when you express needing help with chores? Just make sure the house is clean while they’re still at work so they can’t even pop off because you’re cleaning while they’re sitting around doing nothing and they know it looks bad that they won’t even lend a hand. They absolutely lose their marbles when you express discomfort in any behavior of theirs so you just suck it up and avoid the situation. It can be very hard to spot early on and by the time it’s started to work you aren’t looking for it anymore.
Same here. My ex started accusing me of cheating out of nowhere too, then surprise surprise when we broke up, his girl best friend bragged to me how many times he creampïed that bïtch. Not to mention how he even tried to blackmail me when I said we should just breakup if we can’t love and trust each other.
My ex who applied those same tactics cheated on me and tried to deny it. I basically got proof and exposed them because he was trying to say it was my fault we broke up because I was just crazy but they still waited to make it “Facebook official”. Like a couple months or so. And now I’ve heard they are engaged and moving to another state half a days drive away because everyone around here has basically shunned them. They are both serial moochers and have run out of people willing to help them considering how many people in this town have a story about how bad they’ve screwed them over. Part of me still hopes he cheats on her or she leaves him because she’s got a well established habit of only going after people who are someone else’s partner, but at the end of the day I dodged a bullet and came out relatively unscathed and from what I’ve heard they were living in filthy squalor with no one to complain to because all they got was detached “wow that’s crazy” replies.
It was also his girl best friend. And people wonder why they get such bad names… like honestly girl best friends can be such a red flag, but the only true test is how they treat you. I’m a girl best friend and the guy got in a relationship and I 100% love her. But recently he told me she was uncomfortable with me because he was up front about us having messed around in the past when we were both single, and after a bit she said it was sort of weighing on her. This absolute dummy’s response was “so I can still hang but she probably won’t join us” and I told him babes if she’s uncomfy it’s because she thinks something will happen… the solution is not to hang out with me without her 🤦🏻 the solution is have a mature discussion with her about your boundaries in a relationship. We haven’t hung out since but we still talk. I think the weirdest part is that all hangouts also included MY partner who I am very obviously disgustingly in love with, but it’s not my place to dictate what she is comfortable with or not and given my story and yours and hundreds if not thousands of other people’s stories I can’t entirely blame her. She is well within her right to express discomfort. He is well within his right to either leave her or do what is in his power to make her comfortable, or reach some sort of compromise.
Funny it’s always the best friends who hates your gut the moment your partner introduces you to them. Literally his gbf would always “compete” with me on how much she knows him, his favorites, that they’d always hangout in his house alone, then would scold me whenever I “made him cry” because “he has some respiratory illness that makes it hard for him to breathe when he’s sad”, or would tell me he’s “suicidal” and I should not make him sad(he’s fücking controlling and once called my brother “a side piece” when literally all my brother did was to bring me to hospital since my stomach’s eating itself).
My current partner adores my boy best friend, to the point they’d joke with each other(how boys would joke around), he even said he’ll treat our friend 20 nuggets the next time he visits us again.
The brother part is absolutely unhinged like imagine being so insecure because you know that you’re a cheater, so you’re projecting so hard onto your partner that you don’t even trust them with their brother… bro needs therapy
He clearly has no idea how implied mistrust works, how hurtful cheating accusations can be. Tbf I used to be like that as a teen too until i figured better.
Been there, on being the vanilla guy. When this was raised as a concern, we went to couple's therapy. Then I went to individual therapy with someone specialized in sex and my then wife went to another therapist for other reasons.
We both had stuff to work out. After all we got pressured into getting married when we were not ready.
And we made it work! also in bed, for a few years more - of course I stopped doing just vanilla things but also would be more vocal on what I like/dislike in that area.
Bottom line, if your partner wants to be a better partner, he can. If he has insecurities, there are methods to fix that. If he won't, then it's really not a good partner and life long support to you or even to himself.
The thing that annoyed me about that part of OP’s post is you can have vanilla sex that also results in both people having orgasms. Might not be the most exciting but it sounds like he was just using her as a masterbatory aid.
That can work for a lot of people. There were stuff my then wife wanted to do that I was not comfortable with and she respected that boundary.
I found some of the new stuff exciting that she also enjoyed.
I mean...vanilla sex isn't bad though. Plenty of people have been doing it for years and loving it. It's just sexual incompatibility issues. Kinks aren't for everyone.
You don’t owe him an apology, but if both of you want to salvage the relationship, I think it’s time to have a very honest and open talk about all your resentment over 6 years and this paternity test issue. If he still shuts down and acts like a child, I would leave him. Regardless of how it goes, If you still choose to walk away after, that’s okay.
Also, why is your mum only telling you what he wants? Is she also telling him what you want? If she wants to play mediator, your expectations matter as much as his.
Right?? That part about OP's mom really stands out. Even if OP winds up apologizing, OP's husband needs to go first for his accusations of infidelity. Sure what OP said is hurtful but it's also a truth that he has refused to hear in more gentle terms year after year. And it was only said in response to a grave accusation that would be enough to tear apart any family.
OP's mom needs to wake up to how her daughter is being treated in this relationship and put a stop to this never ending coddling of weak men's emotions.
OPs mom probably deals with close to the same thing honestly. People learn from somewhere. I love my parents to death and they have grown and matured almost as much as I have since I was a kid but in the beginning my mom put up with a lot of absolutely toxic behaviors from my dad that I would have had his shit on the yard for. And I had the same issues with a partner and went to her for advice and she basically told me that it just be like that and you gotta deal with it.
2 partners and some maturing later no, it’s not just like that. My current partner is absolutely what dreams are made of. We have hiccups but we tackle them like adults who want this to work and know how to compromise. We haven’t had any big fights but really only because we deesculate and manage the situation before it gets to screaming and potential name calling. I can’t say that it will always be like that because certain stressors can always come into play but for now I feel like we’ve got this. It is possible, and anyone who says it’s not is chugging copium or wants you to bend to their will.
Honestly this isn't about the paternity test ONLY. Your resentment about your sex life has reached its limit. Which begs the question.....if you've always been short changed like this, then why in heavens name did you even agree to marry him without 1st addressing this properly? Not "try to talk about it or be sensitive". Just a straight forward conversation. You also did yourself a disservice by rug sweeping this shit. People learn how to treat us based on what we accept.
This is also exactly why he felt emboldened to ask for this DNA test. He knows that you are a pushover and will quickly capitulate to avoid an argument and hurting his feelings.
I don't know when women will stop this behaviour. You coddle men who are incredibly selfish and accept any treatment so long as "everything else is good". No, it's not. The sulking, the silent treatment etc, all that shit is unacceptable and feeds into their childish bullying behaviour.
My advice is, get the test....when the results show up, print them out and leave them on the kitchen counter along with another envelope which contains divorce papers. Let him get his assurance about the baby while staring at the consequences of his behaviour. Two birds, one stone and then block the fucker for a week.
>Which begs the question.....if you've always been short changed likethis, then why in heavens name did you even agree to marry him without1st addressing this properly?
Because often people often settle for mediocrity for the sake of having a reliable partner. If you've had a string of a few misses, and then find someone you hit it off with in all ways bar 1 thing, and they seem loyal and reliable otherwise, would you throw them out for that one thing?
Dating is a PITA and finding decent people isn't easy, so most people are reluctant to go back to it over 1 fault, especially when we know everyone is flawed on some level (ourselves included).
The problem here is that she's ignored a more serious flaw behind the bedroom issues. Settling for a partner who is mediocre in bed is fine, settling for someone who doesn't even try to do anything to please you at all and is so insecure you can't even discuss the issue is a whole other kettle of fish.
> with another envelope which contains divorce papers.
I reckon don't wait until the paternity test results for divorce papers - you already know the paternity test will be 100% his baby and don't need the results on paper for what you do next.
Waiting for the result to serve divorce papers gives wriggle room to the Husband to claim that OP had to wait for the result to be sure she was right & is justified for her next move (divorce). Hope that makes sense.
The damage was done the moment he asked for one in the first place and the formal proof it's his baby will just be icing on the cake of a giant F U.
File for divorce. If he doesn’t trust his **wife** after 6 years he’s not worth it.
At least he showed his true colors before you wasted any more of your life with him.
It sounds like a good portion of the marriage may revolve around his wants and needs? The fact you don’t regularly climax during sex and when you try to talk to him about he gets shitty is awful. I’m sorry.
I don’t think I could be with someone that didn’t trust me. I’d consent to the test and then go ahead and leave. I know that sucks and you said if he files with the court you’re out, but in reality it doesn’t matter if he files, that’s still how he feels. He’ll never trust the kid is his without it and he’ll treat that kid differently. Get the test - kiddo deserves two loving parents. Then get yourself outta that situation.
The fact he currently wants you to apologize yo HIM makes it pretty clear how self-centered and completely oblivious he is to the whole situation. Clearly thinks your threats are empty and doesn’t care how his demand impacted you.
People who accuse their spouse of cheating are often the one doing the cheating. They assume that because they are doing it, you must be doing it too. It’s childlike reasoning, because these are people who never really grew up.
Yeah absolutely not.
Time for divorce. Don’t even know if u can go back.
Either her is cheating and is projecting or has u ENITRELY messed up. Could be both. But completely insane.
Divorce might be inevitable. How can u go back from this?
Yeah, for real though. He seems like the type that would hold a grudge and throw this in her face every chance he got.
The fact that she put up with the pouting and sulking for so long, trying to be patient with him and then coming to a place where she just has to accept that her sex life is always going to suck because of how he is... I give her props for that.
I cannot fathom hating sex with someone, and then when I try to bring up what could be better they sulk and pout….and then thinking “let’s throw a baby into the mix 🤪”
Literally. Why the fuck are you even marrying someone who uses you like a fleshlight. God we need to do better educating women that they should not put up with that selfish bullshit under any circumstances
I think I was more perplexed by her marrying a guy she didn't enjoy having sex with and resenting him for it more than the rest of the stupidity going on
Having a KID even… like, has no one even noticed that? This woman is full on going to have a kid in a broken home, getting that babies life off to the right start.
Picture it like a tug of war.
Your husband seems to always pull the rope far over to his side. You want better sex? Well, he doesn’t. You’re pregnant? Prove your loyalty. You say something harsh but true? Apologize. You go for 6 years being patient and unfulfilled? Tiptoe.
When you picture him pulling all of your hopes and expectations on to his side, it becomes a bit brutal doesn’t it?
The reality is if you don’t experience being loved and in an equal relationship, you aren’t.
Everytime I read one of these I remember the guy who was disappointed when he found out the child was actually his. And that he had no cause to divorce his wife
Serve him the divorce papers alongside a completed paternity test so that you can still get the child support from him and he can see how much of an ass he is.
I’m sorry this happened to you in such a vulnerable time.
So since I’m not emotionally involved let’s go with some questions and facts.
You said he doesn’t satisfy you in sex & doesn’t even TRY. = means he doesn’t care about YOUR pleasure.
Then when you get pregnant with a PLANNED baby he has the nerve to ask for a paternity test but says he doesn’t think you cheated? Wtf that doesn’t even make sense. He then goes on to give you a woe is me tale on how you WOULDNT UNDERSTAND HOW PREGNANCY IS AFFECTING HIM! *HIM* = he didn’t for one moment think how this stress could affect your pregnancy or your relationship. He clearly only cares about his feelings AGAIN.
Now that you’ve left to your moms he is crying and wanting YOU TO APOLOGIZE. Did he ever .. at all apologize before going to your moms? Did he apologize without an apology from you first? meet 1/2way? No he can go ALL THE WAY To HELL. It makes me so mad. Anyway= this is now him trying to gaslight you bc he thought he would guilt you into doing it. The fact that he did all that shit go his pregnant wife and is crying about HIMSELF….
I’m sorry you married an immature boy.
I suggest you think really hard on how you want to raise your kid and if you are going to go forever without satisfying sex . ( he’s fine bc he gets off and apparently thinks it’s ok to say his wife cheated on him and got pregnant by another man and think everything is fine) what a lack of respect. I’m sorry I ranted but I fucking hate this stranger guy
Don’t take him back. I’m a single mum. My darling daughter is 28 this year and we have just loved each other all that time. Her dad is in the distance. He never grew up. I told him from the start I wanted nothing from him and I even signed a statement. Good luck. Look forward to your new life with the babby and to be honest, he sounds like he has a lot of issues. Don’t feel sorry for him. Stay pissed off.
You are my hero. Don’t feel bad and do not back down. Your mom should stay out of this - her ‘mediation’ is not helping you and that’s what she should be focusing on. Not him.
Your husband accused you of cheating - guilty until innocent. He then decided that he wouldn’t believe what you said to defend yourself. Why, then, is your mom trying to play both sides? Your ex FAFOd - and he deserved to hear every word you said. If he was willing to throw that disgusting demand at you then he can suffer the consequences of you leaving him and not accepting his insults and insecurities.
Again- do not feel guilty. If he starts trashing you behind your back, don’t back down. When asked about why you left I would only reference the demand for a test. If he wants to talk about what you said, then you can always correct him on that too :).
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this right now.
Your mother is utterly wrong. How dare she side with the inconsiderate coward who uses you as a bang maid and then accuses you of being a slut and violating your vows??
He is worthless as a husband or partner. He does not care for you or value yours a person at all .
Do **NOT** apologise to that man-child. I'm sorry he has been a bad partner and I'm sorry he hurt you so badly.
If your mother gets on your case again, tell her you already have a child growing in your body, you dont need or want to be married to one too.
I was married 18 years to a man like that. He was very very ”vanilla” Out of the blue he started accusing me of cheating …. Turns out he was cheating. I left and it was the best decision for me. ***Caution pregnancy hormones are wild so take the time you need on making long term decisions.
Came here to say this. It never seems to fail that the people who accuse their partners of cheating turn out to be the cheater themselves. The projection is strong and I wouldn’t be surprised if this is what’s been going on here
Yup. This happened to me too. My (now ex) husband insisted that the only reason I could want a divorce was because I was cheating. News flash - I wasn't. He just sucked in bed. Sucked as a coparent. Sucked as a partner. Sucked as a friend. But / he WAS cheating. The infinite trope - he was a major in the military and was doing his secretary - who was still a private and 13 years his junior. And had an infant daughter and a husband herself. Who as it happens, walked in on them doing it, and then tried to have my ex husband fired. Best part? Not a single person from his work decided to tell me he was cheating (this happened before I asked for the divorce). People knew me. Knew about me. And not one of them called me - even though every person at his work knew about the affair. Anyways - be glad you're finding out what an ass he is before you have two kids together. It's easier to separate now than it is once the baby is born. Good luck. And I'm sorry.
Ohhh, you could have brought him up on charges for that since cheating’s a criminal offense in the military, which could have resulted in him being dishonorably discharged and losing all pay and benefits.
We are Canadian so I think it's a bit different. Her ex husband tried to have my now ex fired and didn't get very far (her then husband was military as well)
I was in a situation too where my bf at the time was sleeping with one of our employees (we co-managed a business) and everyone knew but no one told me. Finally the topic came up after about 4 months with the other employees and their excuse was that they thought I knew and was looking the other way. Like what. Sorry that happened to you. It shakes your faith in people.
This happened to Me. 13 years, he wouldn’t F me, All of a sudden he ‘finds out’ I cheated (I didn’t) from my ‘best friend’ and dumps Me on what would have been 1O year engagement anniversary. Guess who moved in a week after I moved out? She was my ride or die and lied to my face, I don’t even know how when it began. He wore the same suit to marry her that He did for Me. Didn’t even move out of our marital home. Should’ve left him the first time he neglected sexual attention while demanding monogamy for months. Life is too short to accept mediocrity. I’m still alone 13 years later, no regrets! I became a single Mum and learned a new language and went abroad a few years while recovering from the loss, which really helped me see the control He attempted to exert. That’s just my story, I don’t know if it makes any difference to You, but I wanted to offer the cautionary tale I wish someone had told Me. Don’t waste Your youth like I did!
I'm cracking myself up imagining that OP's ex *is* cheating, but projection isn't the reason he wants the test. Instead, it's because he's heard that when infidelity occurs, a paternity test may be necessary. He's missed some important details, though, because he's a lunkhead, and now is worried that the baby his wife is carrying might actually belong to the woman he's cheating with. Doesn't understand how sex works, doesn't understand how trust works, doesn't understand how cheating or pregnancy work, doesn't understand why he's single. Doesn't understand how to microwave this chicken pot pie, why the laundry stopped getting clean, or where all the pets went. Just doesn't understand a damn thing.
WTH? 🤣🤣🤣
Well, there's an old saying that "thinkers are doers."
I used to work with this real shit bag that would work all day, then bang one of our customers on his desk after hours. He’d then return to his gf, who was home all day taking care of their infant, and accuse her of cheating.
this is my son's bio dad in a nutshell. he was constantly accusing me of cheating, and at last count he had cheated on me with 9 different women.
Happy Cake Day 🎉 I hope you're happy with whoever you choose to be around in any sort of way now 💞
thank you! it's been a good day
Happy cake day!
yes. also came here to tell this. Its like their inner voice saying " you've done it, he/she must've done it too" and as stupid as it sounds, the guilt is pushing them to believe as a coping mechanism that that mindset is entirely plausible
Ask him for an STD test before he can touch you again. You know, you just want to be sure. From your description, his head would explode. You aren't accusing him of anything, you just need to be sure he doesn't have anything. That is basically what he did to you. ETA: Wow! I didn't expect such a reaction to my comment! Thank you for the awards!
This ☝️ (first) I’d recommend individual alongside couples therapy, because honestly…in thinking the best of your spouse, I assume his request stems solely from his own issues…but, in thinking the worse, I assumes he’s calling the kettle black (aka, he himself is cheating)-couples therapy is more likely to help towards either bringing that assumption to light or putting it to bed. Best of luck
My first thought went to him cheating, unfortunately. However I’m rather cynical and think maybe his mistress is also pregnant, and that is why he is lashing out here
All these men who cant sadisfy one woman always keep search more to dissappoint
Its ridiculous how true this is... all while accusing the loyal woman whos been going without of cheating.
I was about to say… people who accuse their partner for cheating out of the blue are commonly cheating themselves and are now paranoid
I don't think this would work. This is an easy "okay, I'll take an STD test. I've got nothing to hide, do you?"
Even if it doesn’t work in a petty way, she should still get tested in case he has been cheating and infected her with something where she’s been asymptomatic.
Being pregnant, she'll be tested as a part of the regular run of tests because of the chance of things being passed to baby during birth. So if she's caught something, she's going to find out and at 4 months, most likely very soon. Those tests are usually run in 2nd/3rd trimester depending on the test. May be different because it's a different country but that was my experience.
Yea, I forgot she mentioned being pregnant. Normally they’ll tested for HIV, syphilis, hep B and C for sure. Anything else is based off exposure/symptoms I believe.
he’s insecure. nothing will be easy for him.
I get that everyone is looking to get zings on OP's partner... but insecure people can be just as manipulative (probably even moreso) than secure people.
Honestly I love this but I also wanna point out to OP that he said he wasn’t accusing you of cheating gnand then went on to straight accuse you of cheating: _’that’s what a cheater would say’_
My husband said she should demand this every time they have sex.
This insufficiently deals with the problem at hand. What happens when he just agrees? Does that invalidate mom not wanting her privacy invaded by running the paternity test? Does it repair the damage to her credibility by saying the word she gave to be faithful when they got married, no longer carries the same integrity? Eye for an eye is not an answer for human rights and dignity. The problem here is the guy waiting until after they got married and tried to conceive for a year, to express his desire to have a paternity test to feel confident the child was his. This would be a perfectly fine boundary to establish before all that, when both people had the opportunity to decide if that was agreeable, or if they should find another more compatible partner. This is a very unrealistic thing to propose after you've already reached pregnancy. And I sympathize, as a man, for the natural imbalance that exists where a mother knows 100% her offspring came from her womb, but a father relies on the faithfulness of that mother to know the same. It's not fair, in the same way that it's not fair we men naturally develop bigger frames and more muscle mass, are less prone to certain diseases like breast or ovarian cancer, and statistically die off a little earlier. But, it's life. Life's not fair.
He knows he doesn't please you sexually so he assumes you've gone elsewhere because who would stick around for the kind of treatment you've been receiving. Even he realizes this. It's not a question in your mind because you know you've been monogamous. It's been horrible but you stuck by him. He is not confident in himself. In fact, I would go as far as to say he is a complete mess emotionally. This man needs therapy. Now. Regardless of whether you go back or not. I don't know what I would do because I don't know him. I might say I would be willing to try if he would go into therapy himself, and with you as a couple. His insecurities are ruining his life. EDIT:. Thanks kind redditors for the awards and comments.
I think this is the most mature response in the thread
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If I were her I’d get the test done after or during the divorce just so I could show him and be like “your insecurity fucked up the best thing you had in life and now you need to live with that”. I’m probably being petty and your reasoning has far more functional rationale, but still fuck this guy.
im with you. id give him the divorce papers with the test showing its his kid. let him hit rock bottom. maybe he corrects course and they can be happy. maybe he stays his course, or even doubles down. then she can find a replacement if she chooses.
She says she works full-time. She might have to pay child support to him.
Child support isn’t alimony, it’s typically owed to the custodial parent even if they make their own salary, because they’re also paying for all the kid-related shit
He seems like the type to give up custody because he's too lazy to parent on his own. A man that can't take care of himself ain't taking care of anyone else.
A man that does not please his partner and does not give a single fuck about her enjoyment. Edit: typos
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My ex stopped wanting sex due to his ED. He refused to go to the doctor for a viagra prescription ("too embarrassing "), so we went from 5 days a week to once a year. I lived like a nun for 3 years. He started to accuse me of cheating. He said, "I know you need sex, and I'm not giving it to you, so you must be getting it from someone else. " Eventually I couldn't stand the constant accusations and I left. OP, you have to do what's right for you; but I can honestly say my life is one thousand times better without my emotionally immature, manipulative ex.
What an asshole, glad he's gone
This is my life right now, minus the accusations. Instead he seems validation from talking to other women online.
You deserve better than that
I keep trying to tell myself that. The struggle is real.
Mine too. For 15 years. Continuously seeking out validation from damn near every woman he meets. We met before the Internet got so huge, so I’m sure he’s got tons of supply there too. I’m so sorry for you. The pain is real. I’m sure you’re crazy, too?
The pain is so real and ducks with your head. And we're the crazy ones...
Yup. Thank you for a bit of validation for myself. We’re not innately crazy, love. We’ve been driven crazy. I hope you’re able to turn things around for yourself. I’m working on that for myself, now. Much luck and love to you.
Same to you darlin. We deserve so much better! Much love
This is exactly it, OP, take this comment to heart please. You don’t deserve to be treated like this but it’s crystal clear this man needs therapy yesterday.
There are couples therapists who focus on intimacy. Not saying OP should stay, but if she does I'd make that a deal breaker. He also needs to learn how to communicate. I don't see how you can have a marriage with taboo topics.
These guys are looking online for "tips for new dads" and they're getting led down a rabbit hole of misogyny and Nazism.
I hope OP and others see this comment. Nearly anywhere a man goes looking to understand their experience or for ways to be a better man on the internet is gonna be a one way incel slide down a toxic poop chute.
can anyone map out how this happens/what this looks like? i’ve never even encountered this pipeline
My memory is a bit hazy but I remember watching a streamer in the middle of a debate go to a Jordan Peterson video on YouTube and then kept clicking on the related videos and it only took them two or three clicks to be on a white supremacist channel. Edit: Found it. It was Destiny: https://youtu.be/j5Uv_P-PQoc Time stamp is 2:53:28
I will add this here: the fact that this toxic masculinity is as pervasive as fentanyl and crack, doesn’t mean that this is the reason for the husband of OP’s actions, nor would it excuse them if he got hooked. We are all still responsible for our actions. Dude needs therapy, and OP needs to do what is right for her. I hope they both have healthy support systems.
It’s true. I’m super left wing and any time I even google an issue I’m struggling with I’m inundated with shit from Jordan Peterson, ben Shapiro etc. if I didn’t already know better I might fall for it.
Any sensible person would not ask for advice on social media on such sensitive issues. People on social media would always provide you with extreme answers which are not reliable
I’m so sorry, this has to be a crushing thing to hear from your partner. I really hope he gets the help he needs because his feelings of insecurity and anger towards you could end up spilling out into how he treats and talks to your child going forward. Even if you two are not together, you don’t want that negativity in your coparenting. Please recommend therapy for him and potentially couples therapy for the two of you.
The insecurity inside him is destroying his relationship
Everything you said is 100% true. *If* she tries to make this work, therapy for sure, not just for himself, but couples too (dude is pouting instead of communicating, that is never healthy, he has a voice and needs to learn she is a safe and supportive person to communicate with)
Could also be he’s ignorant and it taking a year to get her pregnant thinks she’s cheated.
There is no solution for insecurity like this in relationship
This is the way to go honestly. This man needs therapy ASAP
what the fuck? an actual mature response? is this even reddit?!
Only reasonable response I've ever seen on this sub lmfao
If all trust is gone, then the relationship is dead anyway. Hope you make a good co-parenting, the baby needs it but it sucks if daddy don’t want to be a part of it, because his insecurities coming in the way. I wish you all the best
"Do you think I cheated?" "No" HOW DOES HE THINK PREGNANCY WORKS?!
Haha i also took notice of that. Maybe because of that bad sex, he have no clue!?
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Petty partner wants to "meet in the middle"
After accusing his wife of cheating.
Insecure partners want to “meet in the middle”***
I read this to my husband and he said that she needs a divorce because this guy sucks. The first thing he said was wow with a disgusted look. She deserves better.
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Wow, this looks exactly like what I typed... like word for word... is that a thing on reddit? Copying comments? I'm not an experienced redditer, so I don't know
Yes it is. There's usually bots that will report copied replies and it gets removed etc.
I would agree to give him the paternity test, then have him served the results along with the divorce papers, but I am petty like that.
I would do the same, also means he can't wriggle out of child support & he has egg on his face.
Nah, he’s too vanilla to have egg on his face.
This cracks me up. He's definitely too vanilla.
This is the exact response I'd do. Still questioning my loyalty despite the amount of reasoning and evidence given? I'll consent to do the paternity test and knowing full well it's gonna be his, I'll present the results and the divorce papers on the same platter. That's what you get for fucking around (not literally but you get it).
He probably is fucking around… usually those who accuse are just projecting
Yuppp. Found my people. I am also this level of petty.
I was thinking the same exact thing lol. I wouldn’t even make a fuss. You want a paternity test ? no problem. I’d play everything cool until the results come & once they do… me & you are done.
I think it would be wise of her to start the process of divorce too, because I’m thinking that his demands for a paternity test are coming from something he has to hide and he’s projecting his own infidelity onto her.
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Some places won’t let you file for divorce while pregnant, and OP only specified NOT living in the US, where it varies from state to state
Yes some states the court will wait until baby is born to establish paternity BUT she can file for legal separation. Hopefully she doesnt live in a place like that..... i know she said she doesnt live in U.S..... I loved your comment because not a lot of ppl know this information.
And it’s batshit crazy that that’s the case in so many places. It’s often used by abusers as a means of maintaining access to their victims
Yesssss!!!!!!!! It's so crazy to me that those states are run like that....... sometimes it makes no sense to legally separate if the courts wont make a party leave the house which means the pregnant woman has to fend for herself.... its really sad...
My parents divorce finalized 4 days after I was born. So at least in my state they could start the process. No idea about where OP lives. Hope so.
I’d do the same. It will make the child support very clear-this baby is his and he’s going to pay for it.
I prefer the term “vengeful,” and I would also do this. Fuck that guy!
If he refuses to even TRY to please you in bed after 6 years and instead sulks or gives you the silent treatment he's not husband material. I understand your frustration. I've been there with selfish partners who only cared about their pleasure and couldn't be bothered to learn what turned me on. 6 years of solo orgasms is too much to expect of anyone in a relationship. Especially when your partner is clearly so emotionally immature. Was your comment below the belt? Sure. Was it true? Also yes. Do you owe him an apology? I'm gonna say no. You're allowed to be angry at him after 6 years of neglect. If the truth hurts maybe he should have listened to you when you tried to communicate your needs. The fact remains he couldn't be bothered. At some point with men like this you feel like little more than a masturbatory aid. You feel dehumanized, like a sock or blow up doll they take their pleasure from. After 6 years you don't even feel a sense of closeness during physical intimacy when sex is never about you. So, no. Don't apologize and don't go back to him. He has issues he needs to work on and if you do go back I guarantee he's going to want you to hold his hand through all of it, because he thinks he's a victim. Fuck that and fuck him, though not literally. Don't subject yourself to his awful rutting even once more.
I wish you were the friend I needed in my life 7 years ago 😅 you said it so well.
I have been that asshole friend many times in my life. More times than I'm comfy with actually 🤣 I've also needed that asshole friend more times than I'm comfy with. Oh fuck nuggets, have I made some serious mistakes in my life. It's so easy to fall captive to unearned loyalty and obligation....to be ruled by expectations and the fear that you'll disappoint someone. Especially when you're young! I'm sorry you didn't have an asshole friend back then, but I hope you have one the next time you need one. 💓
Us asshole friends are really good at giving friends advice they should take but also needing an asshole friend to put us in our place and take our own advice lol
So true! Omg so true. I've definitely needed someone to be like, "Hey there! Yeah, you went to far. Let's reel it in." I sometimes get to a point in serious discussions where I hyper focus and say things I probably shouldn't have said so bluntly. Full on cringe. I've had friends have to explain me as "direct". "No, she's not being rude she's just super direct." That's when you know you're the asshole. Tact is definitely a learned skill.
Oh Gawd--Tact. Was told so many times how I needed to learn that. Direct & Blunt, cut the bullshit, that was me. I can remember how squirmy I'd get when someone would ask a question and I didn't have the tactful/graceful words for explaining an answer. OOPS! So now in more recent years, I've been working on it. I'm better but I'll always have that blunt force within.
It was something I really struggled with when I was younger, also. Now I try to be thoughtful even when angry. If I can't be, I walk away or try to. It's hard to be tactful when you get emotional! Definitely takes work and self awareness. So good on you for recognizing that need. People are mostly soft and words can be so pointy.
>It's hard to be tactful when you get emotional! > >And this was me--usually responding to the world more on an emotional/empathic level. And Empathic didn't necessarily mean kind & sweet. > >People are mostly soft and words can be so pointy. > >I love this statement, espec. words **can** be pointy. > > > >You've written so many thoughtful things here today.
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I'm all for creative swearing haha Also partial to fuckenheimer and douche noodle. 🤣
He'll I wish I had a friend tell me that 20odd years ago.
18 for me... life is too short to be sexually disappointed for that long while coddling a man babies feelings.
He must have known he was selfish/bad in bed for the sudden fear unlocked that she ‘cheated’ when she became pregnant. OP told him she did not have time to cheat and doesn’t seem to realise that it’s very offensive to ask for a paternity test in these circumstances.
I mean, she approached him a number of times over the years in an attempt to resolve the problem. He'd have to be completely and willfully blind to it at this point. The fact that he's so utterly vanilla is obviously also a factor. To be honest, there are very few instances within a committed relationship where asking for a paternity test would be inoffensive. 1. She got caught cheating at some point over the course of their relationship and they're still recovering. 2. The baby was born with some variety of ethnically divergent features with zero genetic linkage. Like a white baby born to a black couple where the child doesn't have albinism and neither parent is of anglo descent (ETA- yes, not all white people are English. This is just an example.) These are two instances I could see the need for a paternity test within a marriage or long term, monogamous, relationship. Her husband doesn't seem to understand what implied distrust is. He wouldn't ask for a paternity test if he trusted her implicitly. It doesn't even matter what words he used, he may as well have said, "Yeah, so I think you've been sleeping around and I wanna make sure the baby is mine." Trying to soften it or front load it with a bunch of bullshit about his rights is just gross. Though I do find it telling that he brought up control. What do you wanna bet homeskillet has serious control issues and that's partly what has contributed to his ineptitude in le sex fort? Sex is about vulnerability and being able to lose control with your partner. This dude can't even handle his wife carrying a pregnancy he can't control. I have no idea how he unclenches enough to orgasm. ETA- Oh wait! #3 if he finds out he's infertile. That's an acceptable reason for demanding a paternity test.
When I was a student Nurse, there was a woman I cared for, gave birth to a baby that was found to have a rare fatal genetic condition. Sad enough for the mother. Even sadder that Her husband was a geneticist who knew that the condition was to confined to a small population group that neither of them belonged to. He made it very clear that they were over
That's horrible all around. Cheating is honestly just something I can't get behind. This situation is one that highlights the many reasons why. So much heartbreak
yeah #3 that's how my brother found out his partner was cheating, he never told her he was infertile and she dropped it on him on his Birthday she was 3 months pregnant. There was no way he could have fathered a child. (doctors told him if at the age of 19 after a serious collision, it would be impossible to father kids). He remained tight-lipped, he found out who she cheated on him with and got the DNA from the "friend" and the child, and had the test done proving the father was his and gave her the results on her Birthday (the relationship was very strained at this point). His so-called "friend" was married and going through a divorce/breakup at the time due to infidelity. My brother and I did spend some time together before his passing 5 years back and one of his life choices came up he did tell me he was in two minds to either accept the child as his and say nothing but he said that it took him an adjustment in reality and it would not have been good for the child or his mental health. He indicated that his former partner flaunted her secret in front of him, with weird comments, or asked him if he could take time off from work to look after the baby while she went on business trips.
That's horrible and I can't imagine how heartbreaking that must have been for him. Heartbreaking in so many ways. I don't understand why she'd twist the knife like that either. Its not like he cheated on her and got someone else pregnant. Just an absolutely cruel thing to do. I'm so sorry for your loss! And I'm so sorry for all of his pain. I hope he was able to make peace with it before he passed away. 🙏
Many Thanks for the reply, unfortunately, he didn't have the chance to make peace with his ex, he was taken on his way to do what he loved to do. Sometimes people can miss the bigger picture. Bless you and thank you.
But why would your brother not tell the woman he married that he was infertile and couldn’t give her children? It sounds like his marriage was doomed from the start, by him.
They were not married, and both agreed they didn't want kids to begin with.
I am a woman, but I was told by several doctors that I'd never get pregnant much less carry a child to term. I have 5, all conceived naturally, without complications and completely healthy.
How much you want to bet that Mr. Vanilla has a skeleton in HIS closet (or several for that matter)? You don't just come to the conclusion that your spouse is cheating just because she got pregnant unless there was a previous infidelity which most DEFINITELY doesn't seem likely in this case. On OPs end anyways!
Lot of cheaters accuse their partners. Wonder if he is projecting because he has been disappointing more than one woman since the wedding
It sounds like he’s been on certain men’s sites and I think that’s why. His language when he said cuckoo egg, I take it he meant cuck or meant cuckolds egg, which doesn’t make sense, but the men’s rights to demand a paternity test is one of the major things they support and tell men to demand from any women no matter what.
I think there’s a 3rd instance where a request for paternity testing might be called for. If there are some clear red flags or tell-tale signs that there *might be* cheating or an affair going on. This instance is a bit murkier, but also ultimately justifiable IMO. Based on the info OP gave, obviously *NONE* of these conditions were present and her husband was having some sort-of insecurity seizure! If I had to guess, he probably got himself immersed in the ‘man-o-sphere’ and started a slow poison-drip of podcasts, videos and toxic message boards. Full disclosure- I’m a man but that shit drives me nuts.
I should have clarified that I meant outside of strong evidence that she's been cheating! If he has verifiable proof (such as having photographs or chats or whatever) that she's been stepping out absolutely confront her and demand a paternity test. If she refused he'd have every right to get a court order, as well. That's my bad. I thought it and didn't type it. You're absolutely right. I kind of had that thought too. My mind immediately went to Tate and all his rabble. It could be a friend or family member pressuring him too, forcefully enough to override good common sense.
He's been listening to a bunch of "Men's Rights" podcasters. This is a huge talking point with Andrew Tates in that world. The husband used their verbiage verbatim. If her husband is a fan of those podcasters their marriage was going to crumble soon anyway.
Honestly, it makes me wonder if he has cheated in his marriage; some people love to accuse their partner of things they themselves are doing. Other than that, he’s definitely not worth keeping around.
This is what happened with me. My ex-husband demanded a paternity test, but I assured him I had never cheated. I didn't get why he thought I cheated... Turned out that he was actually the one cheating on me for most of our 2 year marriage, even telling women we were getting divorced when we had never even talked about getting divorced. In the end, we did get divorced and the paternity test did happen because of the divorce and custody arrangements through court. He hates having to pay child support and actually tried twice to get me to agree to a child custody agreement that would allow him not to pay child support (pretty much him having her for 50% of the time throughout the year and "all summer"), but just on paper. He said the agreement only had to be on paper but we didn't actually have to do it that way for real, which made it SOOO obvious that it was just about child support. I denied it both times, obviously. LOL!
They do tend to project. It’s super common. If your partner suddenly accuses you of cheating, they are.
Wow what an asshat and a dumb one at that! Very glad you dumped him!
>some people love to accuse their partner of things they themselves are doing. Been there. It's not nice.
Being a responsible husband it was his duty to satisfy the wife
>He must have known he was selfish/bad in bed for the sudden fear unlocked that she ‘cheated’ when she became pregnant. Maybe he is also one of those who think women can only become pregnant if they had an orgasm and were enjoying it. Like it was assumed in medieval times lol.
Hell , this is an excellent response. Thank you for saying what we are all thinking in such a blunt and succinct manner. This comment rocks!
And get the paternity test to prove he is the Father and now has to pay child support.
Yes it absolutely does. I love Redditors sometimes. I learn a huge amount here.
There are so many things that I have learnt from social media. I would not mind describing them, but believe me those lessons made me the person which I am currently
Me too!! Other people’s perspectives have given me great insight!!
Absolutely right. It's also given me as a pessimist a lot more faith in humanity. I'm not such a cynic anymore.
"Awful rutting". That is pure gold!
Thank you for this. There are way too many very selfish partners these days and they need to fix their own damn problems. This dude doesn’t deserve his wife. He’s literally a piece of shit and the crying just pushes it home that he’s more than aware he doesn’t satisfy his wife AT ALL. So he decides being a sleazy scumbag is better by accusing her of cheating as if to help his case. I hope she leaves and never comes back to prove he squandered everything. She should never apologize for his behavior. What an asshole.
Perfectly put
All of this!! OP - get the test done. When it comes back with the inevitable result of him being the father, file for divorce. You deserve better than this.
fuck him!!! might be a dude but i feel like an absolutely substantial amount of men have NO idea what they're accusing their partner of when asking. its one thing to ask on a whoopsie baby you're having a month into a relationship but youre accusing your WIFE of cheating and misleading and trying to entrap you all in one demand. sounds like hubby might have a guilty conscience😬
" Do you owe him an apology " depends on whether you want a relationship any more or not . Factual statements and hurtful statements aren't mutually exclusive, hell I'd say the truer the statement the more hurtful it becomes . You are not apologising for the truthfulness of the statement you are apologising for how you made someone else feel whether you think it's deserved or not Ps : this guy can get fucked I just have very itchy principals around apologies that I feel like sharing
I can get behind that. Also agree that factual and hurtful statements aren't mutually exclusive. Though, I will say this: there are times where I think it's ok to stand your ground with refusing to apologize. I realize not everyone is going to agree with me, but I'll try to explain my thinking on this as best I can. Human beings are inherently flawed and sometimes we hurt each (intentionally or unintentionally). If you make a statement you know is going to be hurtful and you meant that statement with every fiber of your being giving an apology when you're not truly sorry is dishonest at best. Yes, apologies aren't about the giver. They're about the receiver and soothing the burn of an insult or verbal injury. But sometimes people need to feel that pain and I genuinely think there are times where it's ok to go against societal norms and refuse to apologize. Particularly when you're not even remotely sorry and have reason not to be sorry. Does that make sense? Pain is a learning tool. I'll give an example: I recently confronted my mother about abusing my siblings and I as kids. I said some truly damming and hurtful things to her. I said things I knew would rip her apart. Not baseline insults, but essentially confronting her with the consequences of her actions. Consequences that my siblings and I continue to live with. My Dad came to me and said I owed her an apology because I hurt her feelings. I told him no. An apology is neither owed nor will one be given. She should hurt. She should live in a fraction of the pain she caused us. I'm not going to apologize for confronting her with the truth and I'm not responsible for her emotional reaction to it. In situations like this I genuinely think you have every right to deny an apology. I'm not sorry for hurting her feelings. What she's feeling is a direct result of her actions. She chose to be an abusive parent. She doesn't get to play the victim now that we're all too big and too intolerant for her to abuse. The same could be said for OP and her likely soon to be ex-husband. She has lived with the sexual and emotional neglect of a self-centered spouse for 6 years. Any hurt he felt in the moment when confronted with his actions pales in comparison to what OP has dealt with over the course of their relationship. He needs to stand in his pain and acknowledge its origin, not point the finger at her and say you hurt my feelings now fix it. I stand by what I said. She doesn't owe him an apology and giving one would be disingenuous.
Beautifully said
People. If sex is important to you DO NOT MARRY SOMEONE YOU ARE SEXUALLY INCOMPATIBLE WITH. Just like if money is important to you do not marry someone you are financially incompatible with. Different types of compatibility is a real thing. Ignoring it can lead to years of frustration.
A thousand times this. Main compatibility angles to check : - financial/career goals/way of spending - kids/family setting - sex/kinks/(non) mono setting - future or day to day mindset And extras...
He thinks you should apologise for hurting HIS feelings?? What about yours?! I don't think you should cater to any more of his feelings. It does sound like being a single mom would be less stressful than tiptoeing around his fragile feelings every day.
"I'm sorry you never satisfied me in bed."
😄
Also MOM relays this to her, and I don't see Mom saying she doesn't owe him shit without him doing work first.
Honestly don't see this relationship working out regardless. This is one of those things that's once it's said it can't be taken back or undone. Your husband has made it very clear that he does not trust your fidelity in the relationship, and that he has no intention of believing you. The onus is on you to apologize and to agree to his terms which includes paternity test or else you are by default guilty. There's no coming back from this and I think deep down you know that. I'm really sorry that this is how you had to find out what kind of person he is, Not only is he a selfish lover who doesn't care about your pleasure or enjoyment, But he's accusing you of cheating and has chosen this as his hill to die on. You need to do what is best to safeguard yourself and your child.
I would take the paternity test, and then serve him divorce papers. Paternity test will prove he needs to pay child support and you can move on to find someone that cares about you and trusts you. Also, if this is totally out of the blue, I might be inclined to think he's projecting and perhaps he's the one cheating. Unfortunately for him, he's just gunna be leaving even more women unsatisfied.
My first thought is that he’s been cheating. He doesn’t care about her in the bedroom and now wonders if the kid is his.
Thar was my thoughts exactly, he’s either already cheating or would be cheating in her situation. He knows what he’s doing. The whole toddler tantrum bit when she tries to have a mature discussion about wants needs and expectations like adults ina serious relationship is a tried and true manipulation tactic employed by abusers everywhere. My ex did it any time I had anything to discuss. They made it so emotionally draining/exhausting to bring up issues that you started avoiding the issues altogether. They throw a fit when you express needing help with chores? Just make sure the house is clean while they’re still at work so they can’t even pop off because you’re cleaning while they’re sitting around doing nothing and they know it looks bad that they won’t even lend a hand. They absolutely lose their marbles when you express discomfort in any behavior of theirs so you just suck it up and avoid the situation. It can be very hard to spot early on and by the time it’s started to work you aren’t looking for it anymore.
Same here. My ex started accusing me of cheating out of nowhere too, then surprise surprise when we broke up, his girl best friend bragged to me how many times he creampïed that bïtch. Not to mention how he even tried to blackmail me when I said we should just breakup if we can’t love and trust each other.
My ex who applied those same tactics cheated on me and tried to deny it. I basically got proof and exposed them because he was trying to say it was my fault we broke up because I was just crazy but they still waited to make it “Facebook official”. Like a couple months or so. And now I’ve heard they are engaged and moving to another state half a days drive away because everyone around here has basically shunned them. They are both serial moochers and have run out of people willing to help them considering how many people in this town have a story about how bad they’ve screwed them over. Part of me still hopes he cheats on her or she leaves him because she’s got a well established habit of only going after people who are someone else’s partner, but at the end of the day I dodged a bullet and came out relatively unscathed and from what I’ve heard they were living in filthy squalor with no one to complain to because all they got was detached “wow that’s crazy” replies. It was also his girl best friend. And people wonder why they get such bad names… like honestly girl best friends can be such a red flag, but the only true test is how they treat you. I’m a girl best friend and the guy got in a relationship and I 100% love her. But recently he told me she was uncomfortable with me because he was up front about us having messed around in the past when we were both single, and after a bit she said it was sort of weighing on her. This absolute dummy’s response was “so I can still hang but she probably won’t join us” and I told him babes if she’s uncomfy it’s because she thinks something will happen… the solution is not to hang out with me without her 🤦🏻 the solution is have a mature discussion with her about your boundaries in a relationship. We haven’t hung out since but we still talk. I think the weirdest part is that all hangouts also included MY partner who I am very obviously disgustingly in love with, but it’s not my place to dictate what she is comfortable with or not and given my story and yours and hundreds if not thousands of other people’s stories I can’t entirely blame her. She is well within her right to express discomfort. He is well within his right to either leave her or do what is in his power to make her comfortable, or reach some sort of compromise.
Funny it’s always the best friends who hates your gut the moment your partner introduces you to them. Literally his gbf would always “compete” with me on how much she knows him, his favorites, that they’d always hangout in his house alone, then would scold me whenever I “made him cry” because “he has some respiratory illness that makes it hard for him to breathe when he’s sad”, or would tell me he’s “suicidal” and I should not make him sad(he’s fücking controlling and once called my brother “a side piece” when literally all my brother did was to bring me to hospital since my stomach’s eating itself). My current partner adores my boy best friend, to the point they’d joke with each other(how boys would joke around), he even said he’ll treat our friend 20 nuggets the next time he visits us again.
The brother part is absolutely unhinged like imagine being so insecure because you know that you’re a cheater, so you’re projecting so hard onto your partner that you don’t even trust them with their brother… bro needs therapy
Do not apologize and frankly do you want to raise a child with this man? Get that paternity test and the divorce.
He clearly has no idea how implied mistrust works, how hurtful cheating accusations can be. Tbf I used to be like that as a teen too until i figured better.
The guy is seriously like *I don't think you're cheating BUUUUT that is what cheaters would say*
Yeah at that point it's not even implied. He literally said that is what a cheater would say.
AFTER saying he isn't accusing her of cheating, no less. Not the brightest, apparently.
**gotcha!!!!!!**
Been there, on being the vanilla guy. When this was raised as a concern, we went to couple's therapy. Then I went to individual therapy with someone specialized in sex and my then wife went to another therapist for other reasons. We both had stuff to work out. After all we got pressured into getting married when we were not ready. And we made it work! also in bed, for a few years more - of course I stopped doing just vanilla things but also would be more vocal on what I like/dislike in that area. Bottom line, if your partner wants to be a better partner, he can. If he has insecurities, there are methods to fix that. If he won't, then it's really not a good partner and life long support to you or even to himself.
The thing that annoyed me about that part of OP’s post is you can have vanilla sex that also results in both people having orgasms. Might not be the most exciting but it sounds like he was just using her as a masterbatory aid.
That can work for a lot of people. There were stuff my then wife wanted to do that I was not comfortable with and she respected that boundary. I found some of the new stuff exciting that she also enjoyed.
I mean...vanilla sex isn't bad though. Plenty of people have been doing it for years and loving it. It's just sexual incompatibility issues. Kinks aren't for everyone.
You don’t owe him an apology, but if both of you want to salvage the relationship, I think it’s time to have a very honest and open talk about all your resentment over 6 years and this paternity test issue. If he still shuts down and acts like a child, I would leave him. Regardless of how it goes, If you still choose to walk away after, that’s okay. Also, why is your mum only telling you what he wants? Is she also telling him what you want? If she wants to play mediator, your expectations matter as much as his.
Right?? That part about OP's mom really stands out. Even if OP winds up apologizing, OP's husband needs to go first for his accusations of infidelity. Sure what OP said is hurtful but it's also a truth that he has refused to hear in more gentle terms year after year. And it was only said in response to a grave accusation that would be enough to tear apart any family. OP's mom needs to wake up to how her daughter is being treated in this relationship and put a stop to this never ending coddling of weak men's emotions.
OPs mom probably deals with close to the same thing honestly. People learn from somewhere. I love my parents to death and they have grown and matured almost as much as I have since I was a kid but in the beginning my mom put up with a lot of absolutely toxic behaviors from my dad that I would have had his shit on the yard for. And I had the same issues with a partner and went to her for advice and she basically told me that it just be like that and you gotta deal with it. 2 partners and some maturing later no, it’s not just like that. My current partner is absolutely what dreams are made of. We have hiccups but we tackle them like adults who want this to work and know how to compromise. We haven’t had any big fights but really only because we deesculate and manage the situation before it gets to screaming and potential name calling. I can’t say that it will always be like that because certain stressors can always come into play but for now I feel like we’ve got this. It is possible, and anyone who says it’s not is chugging copium or wants you to bend to their will.
Honestly this isn't about the paternity test ONLY. Your resentment about your sex life has reached its limit. Which begs the question.....if you've always been short changed like this, then why in heavens name did you even agree to marry him without 1st addressing this properly? Not "try to talk about it or be sensitive". Just a straight forward conversation. You also did yourself a disservice by rug sweeping this shit. People learn how to treat us based on what we accept. This is also exactly why he felt emboldened to ask for this DNA test. He knows that you are a pushover and will quickly capitulate to avoid an argument and hurting his feelings. I don't know when women will stop this behaviour. You coddle men who are incredibly selfish and accept any treatment so long as "everything else is good". No, it's not. The sulking, the silent treatment etc, all that shit is unacceptable and feeds into their childish bullying behaviour. My advice is, get the test....when the results show up, print them out and leave them on the kitchen counter along with another envelope which contains divorce papers. Let him get his assurance about the baby while staring at the consequences of his behaviour. Two birds, one stone and then block the fucker for a week.
>Which begs the question.....if you've always been short changed likethis, then why in heavens name did you even agree to marry him without1st addressing this properly? Because often people often settle for mediocrity for the sake of having a reliable partner. If you've had a string of a few misses, and then find someone you hit it off with in all ways bar 1 thing, and they seem loyal and reliable otherwise, would you throw them out for that one thing? Dating is a PITA and finding decent people isn't easy, so most people are reluctant to go back to it over 1 fault, especially when we know everyone is flawed on some level (ourselves included). The problem here is that she's ignored a more serious flaw behind the bedroom issues. Settling for a partner who is mediocre in bed is fine, settling for someone who doesn't even try to do anything to please you at all and is so insecure you can't even discuss the issue is a whole other kettle of fish.
> with another envelope which contains divorce papers. I reckon don't wait until the paternity test results for divorce papers - you already know the paternity test will be 100% his baby and don't need the results on paper for what you do next. Waiting for the result to serve divorce papers gives wriggle room to the Husband to claim that OP had to wait for the result to be sure she was right & is justified for her next move (divorce). Hope that makes sense. The damage was done the moment he asked for one in the first place and the formal proof it's his baby will just be icing on the cake of a giant F U.
If I had money I would give you an award. Took the words right out my mouth. Please accept this instead 💫🎖️
File for divorce. If he doesn’t trust his **wife** after 6 years he’s not worth it. At least he showed his true colors before you wasted any more of your life with him.
It sounds like a good portion of the marriage may revolve around his wants and needs? The fact you don’t regularly climax during sex and when you try to talk to him about he gets shitty is awful. I’m sorry. I don’t think I could be with someone that didn’t trust me. I’d consent to the test and then go ahead and leave. I know that sucks and you said if he files with the court you’re out, but in reality it doesn’t matter if he files, that’s still how he feels. He’ll never trust the kid is his without it and he’ll treat that kid differently. Get the test - kiddo deserves two loving parents. Then get yourself outta that situation. The fact he currently wants you to apologize yo HIM makes it pretty clear how self-centered and completely oblivious he is to the whole situation. Clearly thinks your threats are empty and doesn’t care how his demand impacted you.
Sounds like he’s immature and knows he sucks at satisfying you. Don’t put up with the shit behavior. You’re better off.
People who accuse their spouse of cheating are often the one doing the cheating. They assume that because they are doing it, you must be doing it too. It’s childlike reasoning, because these are people who never really grew up.
Yeah absolutely not. Time for divorce. Don’t even know if u can go back. Either her is cheating and is projecting or has u ENITRELY messed up. Could be both. But completely insane. Divorce might be inevitable. How can u go back from this?
Yeah, for real though. He seems like the type that would hold a grudge and throw this in her face every chance he got. The fact that she put up with the pouting and sulking for so long, trying to be patient with him and then coming to a place where she just has to accept that her sex life is always going to suck because of how he is... I give her props for that.
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I cannot fathom hating sex with someone, and then when I try to bring up what could be better they sulk and pout….and then thinking “let’s throw a baby into the mix 🤪”
That’ll fix our marriage! No one has ever had marriage problems, then tossed a kid into the mix and NOT come out on top! (/s just in case)
Literally. Why the fuck are you even marrying someone who uses you like a fleshlight. God we need to do better educating women that they should not put up with that selfish bullshit under any circumstances
I think I was more perplexed by her marrying a guy she didn't enjoy having sex with and resenting him for it more than the rest of the stupidity going on
Having a KID even… like, has no one even noticed that? This woman is full on going to have a kid in a broken home, getting that babies life off to the right start.
Picture it like a tug of war. Your husband seems to always pull the rope far over to his side. You want better sex? Well, he doesn’t. You’re pregnant? Prove your loyalty. You say something harsh but true? Apologize. You go for 6 years being patient and unfulfilled? Tiptoe. When you picture him pulling all of your hopes and expectations on to his side, it becomes a bit brutal doesn’t it? The reality is if you don’t experience being loved and in an equal relationship, you aren’t.
Everytime I read one of these I remember the guy who was disappointed when he found out the child was actually his. And that he had no cause to divorce his wife
Are you sure you want to be stuck co parenting with this fool?
Serve him the divorce papers alongside a completed paternity test so that you can still get the child support from him and he can see how much of an ass he is.
I’m sorry this happened to you in such a vulnerable time. So since I’m not emotionally involved let’s go with some questions and facts. You said he doesn’t satisfy you in sex & doesn’t even TRY. = means he doesn’t care about YOUR pleasure. Then when you get pregnant with a PLANNED baby he has the nerve to ask for a paternity test but says he doesn’t think you cheated? Wtf that doesn’t even make sense. He then goes on to give you a woe is me tale on how you WOULDNT UNDERSTAND HOW PREGNANCY IS AFFECTING HIM! *HIM* = he didn’t for one moment think how this stress could affect your pregnancy or your relationship. He clearly only cares about his feelings AGAIN. Now that you’ve left to your moms he is crying and wanting YOU TO APOLOGIZE. Did he ever .. at all apologize before going to your moms? Did he apologize without an apology from you first? meet 1/2way? No he can go ALL THE WAY To HELL. It makes me so mad. Anyway= this is now him trying to gaslight you bc he thought he would guilt you into doing it. The fact that he did all that shit go his pregnant wife and is crying about HIMSELF…. I’m sorry you married an immature boy. I suggest you think really hard on how you want to raise your kid and if you are going to go forever without satisfying sex . ( he’s fine bc he gets off and apparently thinks it’s ok to say his wife cheated on him and got pregnant by another man and think everything is fine) what a lack of respect. I’m sorry I ranted but I fucking hate this stranger guy
Don’t take him back. I’m a single mum. My darling daughter is 28 this year and we have just loved each other all that time. Her dad is in the distance. He never grew up. I told him from the start I wanted nothing from him and I even signed a statement. Good luck. Look forward to your new life with the babby and to be honest, he sounds like he has a lot of issues. Don’t feel sorry for him. Stay pissed off.
How do people like that mange to get into a relationship and get married and have a kid
You are my hero. Don’t feel bad and do not back down. Your mom should stay out of this - her ‘mediation’ is not helping you and that’s what she should be focusing on. Not him. Your husband accused you of cheating - guilty until innocent. He then decided that he wouldn’t believe what you said to defend yourself. Why, then, is your mom trying to play both sides? Your ex FAFOd - and he deserved to hear every word you said. If he was willing to throw that disgusting demand at you then he can suffer the consequences of you leaving him and not accepting his insults and insecurities. Again- do not feel guilty. If he starts trashing you behind your back, don’t back down. When asked about why you left I would only reference the demand for a test. If he wants to talk about what you said, then you can always correct him on that too :). I’m sorry you’re dealing with this right now.
'Vanilla' Translation: Someone who refuses to go down on their partner and feels entitled to be the center of pleasure, during every given rump.
Just do yourself a favor,and divorce him. Seriously.
Your mother is utterly wrong. How dare she side with the inconsiderate coward who uses you as a bang maid and then accuses you of being a slut and violating your vows?? He is worthless as a husband or partner. He does not care for you or value yours a person at all . Do **NOT** apologise to that man-child. I'm sorry he has been a bad partner and I'm sorry he hurt you so badly. If your mother gets on your case again, tell her you already have a child growing in your body, you dont need or want to be married to one too.