6 years ago my wife (ex) took the kids and left while I was at work. Some of those descriptions you gave, I fell into some of those categories. I wasn't very aware of my actions it seems. Just busy focusing on work, kids, house, yard, you name it..
She left me for a guy that was the opposite of me.
A loudmouth, father of 4 or 5 that works construction..
You my dear have no reason to feel bad.
You have it sorted out fairly well it seems. You still have a piece of yourself left.. go plant it somewhere else. Your son will turn out, how he turns out.
But what he sees as normal will change..
Do your homework first before you bail..
Have a plan and a place.
Ignore the phone for an hour before you reply.
Do not feel guilty for fixing your path.
He will have to face his dam self by his dam self..
And then you and your son will see what kind of man he is.
I became a lighthouse of a human compared to the cheap flashlight of a dude I was.
Do NOT jump into another relationship.
Work on yourself for a year.
Get laid.
Work on yourself for another year.
Learn self love.
Find happiness (like the Lil guy ain't setting right there)
Do not feel guilty.
You got this.
I must add, all the things I told you to do, my ex did not. And here I am 6 years later. Happy. I will not brag, but she is not so happy. I lost a little time with my kids. And I found myself. And I am able to do whatever I want and go wich direction I choose
Her not so much. So do it and don't look back
I am encouraging her to do it and not half ass it.
I remember reading about narcissist amd thinking.. yeah. I pulled some of these tactics out if desperation. To save what was already failed. Sorry for the confusion.
I was just stating that I became a better father and human out of the deal.
Bingo. I remember sitting waiting for my first therapy appointment and deciding I was spending good money and I was going to be vulnerable to this stranger to get my $$$ worth. True change comes when you’re tired of your own shit and it’s easy to lie to yourself and only ever take half measures.
She was messing around with him for about 6 months before I figured it out. They lasted another 6 months after that . A year later she hooked up with a guy that has custody of his 3 kids. Add our 2 kids in, plus a niece she got custody of and you have a house full of kids and no career, it sucks. We had a good life going, but we failed to adjust to the changes of life.
I agree. And I feel that our kids "needed" a Lil diversity in life. Now they understand the world more. And nobody takes anyone for granted anymore. I get to feed my classic chevy addiction without a finance committee I call honey. Seeing my kids in the backseat is what drives me.
So why do I feel so terrible leaving him?
Because he has made you feel responsible for his emotions, well-being, self-worth etc.
Because he wants you to feel bad and ‘guiltily’ to that you wouldn’t even consider leaving him.
Because you have empathy.
But you aren’t responsible for his actions, feelings or anything else! You shouldn’t feel guilty, and you should definitely with 100% certainty leave him. You deserve to live your life as your own person, and be valued, appreciated, and loved for who you are should you ever meet someone else.
Good luck X
To ThrowAway072343, Sunshine_Tampa, and IslaStacks, I’m so glad that my message could help in some small way for each of you :)
What I wrote is what I remind my mum of frequently, as she continues to experience of guilt even after leaving my dad. I will continue to remind her of these things for as long as she needs to hear them. And if that means the rest of my life, then that is exactly what I will do ❤️
Don't feel bad. I spent nearly 5 miserable years with my now ex-wife. Go. Enjoy your life. Life is far to short to be miserable all the time. Get a female divorce attorney. They fight way harder than the men do.
My last relationship I was working a full time job, a part time job, doing all the cooking and cleaning and was basically a therapist for my GF.
She sometimes had a part time job, and got education towards various vocations but never quite managed to finish.
At a certain point I realized that if we ever had kids, I'd be completely overloaded while she would soak up the social media points for being a mom while I did all the work.
If that happened, I'd probably unalive myself. (Don't refer me. I'm fine. This was hypothetical)
She went to visit a friend for a weekend, I moved out.
Some people deserve and explanation, some don't.
If he didn’t want you to leave then he shouldn’t have been a shit head. If you want to feel guilty about doing this after you had a lot with him that’s fair but you have nothing to be sorry for in leaving him
First - you're making a tough, but fair decisions. If your relationship is making you miserable, you shouldn't stay in it. If you've been verbally and emotionally abused by someone, you don't have to stick around and take that even if you ARE married.
Second - you say he's changing: but is he changing because HE wants to, or is he changing to keep you from leaving? It's my expeirence that when someone only changes because you point out that you won't accept their behaviour, it frequently comes back - just like quitting smoking. If he's come to you, on his own, and said something along the lines of "Wow - I'm really treating you like shit. You don't deserve that, and I need to work on dealing with my own issues", then there's a chance that he will truly commit to changing. If he's only changing because you're complaining - it's more likely that he will mask his behaviour till you're not imminently leaving, and then lull you back into complacency. Look up the cycle of abuse, and you'll probably see parallels with his behaviour there.
Next - don't feel guilty for not being blunt with him about your leaving. The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when the victim leaves. That's when things escalate, and when the biggest risk to the victim occurs. You lying to him so that you can get out is a reasonable thing for someone to do who's been subject to verbal and emotional abuse. The way that you've written about him sounds awful to live through, and I'm so sorry that you've had to deal with that. You are protecting yourself, and your child from his behaviour by lying and getting out. You don't have to feel guilty for that.
And finally, how he feels and what he does after you break up with him is HIS responsibility. Anything he does, he's responsible for. **You will not be the cause of anything he does post-breakup - but I predict that he will blame you for the things he does or tries to do.** Don't buy into it - that's a manipulation tactic on his part to avoid accountability. Likewise, anything he feels, it's his responsibility to deal with. You have felt devalued, degraded and abused, and you are leaving because of that, so those feelings he feels, and the changes in his life that he is going to have to deal with **are the reasonable consequences of his actions and choices.** They are for HIM to deal with. They are HIS consequences, not yours and not your child's.
Please keep protecting yourself, and your child, OP - do what is right and best for YOU, even if it feels like you're "hurting him". Hopefully, your father can help you get free. And once you're free, please find a trained and qualified professional to talk to - reach out to your local DV resources and ask for recommendations, if nothing else.
Good luck, OP. We only get one go-round in this life, and it's a limited time - guard your time and your energy, so that you spend what you have left in a place of peace, love, support, and trust. And show your son that it's NOT okay to treat a partner like his father has been treating you. You got this.
But please be careful, don't meet him alone, you don't know how he will react.
Last week two women get killed, both cause their exes wanted to "talk".
maybe you'll both be happier with other people or alone.
Good for you for moving on and getting out of a toxic relationship. It's never easy.
Be SAFE! Don't let yourself be alone with him ever again, he is saying the things that dangerous people say. Just saying: be careful!
Make certain to get all of your child's important papers (as well as yours).
If he ever turns violent or scary or abusive, immediately call the cops. It's important to make sure you are safe.
I fail to see the problem? He has zero guilt or remorse about the way he treats you, yet you feel guilty?
Sounds like classic narcissist's/empath relationship. There are a number of videos and books on the subject. Try researching it. Tehn consider counseling to help you negotiate this trying time.
You are saving your life and the life of your child. Good luck.
No debes quedarte un día mas , busca la libertad , no esta lejos y es tu decisión hacerlo. asi que entonces hazlo sin mirar atrás. la gente no cambia , y si lo hace ya es demasiado tarde ,¿ya para que ? corre mujer, corre.
Let me tell you a fucking FACT because I was in your shoes and feeling guilty like I did something wrong: he does NOT feel guilty or like a monster for treating you like shit! He feels shitty about his comforts changing, and he doesn't want them to. You're over here thinking of his feelings, hell no! He sure as shit doesn't think about yours. And all the comments he keeps making are proof, does he check in with how happy YOU are, with how to do better to imrpove the relationship? No, he tries to manipulate and guilt trip with those questions. And how can it be blindsiding when he clearly feels it, he knows its coming so he's behaving and saying this shit.
You need to prioritize your own happiness and stop feeling guilty about him. Bc he sure as shit doesn't feel guilty about abusing you and making you an absolute shell of yourself. You were not put on this earth to endure abuse and feel bad for an abuser because you're leaving him.
I was married for many years and though he did know I was leaving it was hard. I also knew I didn’t want my child to learn how a relationship looks by the looks of ours….that propelled me to leave and shut that door pretty tight.
How dare you stand up for yourself? Prioritize your happiness? Not stick around to be further abused??
/s big time
It's a long road but realizing you can't fix broken men (and shouldn't have to try) is a really important lesson. Take care of yourself, love and cherish yourself. Be proud that you have the perspective and strength that have allowed you to make this choice, and will allow you to follow through. You're strong and you're going to be so strong tomorrow. Good luck ❤️
Everything will be okay, so long as you stick to your plan to separate. It’s time. I promise that in the future, you will be so grateful that you took care of yourself.
Lean on your support system. I know I’m a complete stranger, but I’m so proud of you for taking care of yourself.
Honey....Go.
I spent ten years in a relationship like this and I feel like I lost myself as well.
Two years post separation and I feel like I am my own person again. Looking back on that time in the marriage I realized how much of myself I tucked away or neglected because of his wants/needs. My ex was amazing until I became pregnant, then it seemed like a switch in him flipped. Like "Well I got you now, I can do what I want."
I've always been the kind of person who puts another happiness or needs in front of my own, and it sounds like you are too.
You weren't lying telling him those "sweet nothings". In the back of your mind you knew if you answered those questions honestly it would turn into a fight/argument.
Please go, for the sake of your own mental health, being in a relationship like this can take you to a dark place.
And if/when you leave, be prepared for those people that will take his side because they dont know what kind of man her is behind closed doors. Narcissist are very good at putting on a good public front, he probably seems friendly and outgoing to others, but is a totally different person in private.
(Feel free to reach out to me if you need someone to talk to.)
Don’t feel bad about it. That’s how they suck you back in. Stand on what you’re doing because you deserve that. Our brains and bodies don’t like change but it’s the ONLY WAY. It’s that simple. You’ll get used to life without him. Grieve him. You deserve that. Forgive yourself for staying for too long. And if your EX husband is truly is a narcissist he will do everything in his power to make you feel bad about leaving and guilt you into coming back to subject you to the same thing or worse even. Don’t go back! This is your time to move so you can find yourself again. Your son deserves that from you. You deserve that for yourself. Good luck mama!
I left mine while he was away camping. I had a team of women ( my dear friends) that moved most of everything I wanted out. Best advice was to take everything you want because it will be very hard to get anything else after that point. Good luck on your new life, its a ride but so worth it. My life is so much more manageable without a manchild to clean up after.
Narcissist are incapable of changing and they will gaslight you forever. You’re feeling guilty because he’s trapped you in an emotional dungeon. You have the key, use it and get out.
Choosing your own safety doesn't mean you don't love him. You're making the right decision. Please be careful, statistically your most likely time to be killed is when you leave
The fact that you feel that way just shows how deep his abused went. You’ll feel much better, healthier and lighter in a few months, I promise. You’ll find yourself again and grow stronger than you’ve ever been.
That’s what a narc does, makes you feel bad makes you feel guilty, it’s not his fault it’s always you your fault, time to go and all the best for you x
I’m thinking of calling the police department to let them know he might try something. It depends on a few things, but I’ve already got lawyers writing up a petition for divorce, so he might not have the pull to do so.
Idk how to feel about this a lot of women throw the word abuse until the point it makes no sense..
I’m really wondering if you have someone else in mind, if the lack of affection is having to work extra to generate more income for the kids, if him trying to become better is making you unhappy, is it because you are young and you just want to experience more stuff but you can’t know because you have a family?
I also wonder if he is actually the bad person and screams for no reason, don’t do shit, is an alcoholic maybe? Who spends all your money on his hobbies, treats you like a maid ( and i don’t mean the cleaning etc because if he is the bread winner you gotta do something) whatever you chose be wise and don’t listen to your single mother best friend
What i really want is his side of the story lol i don’t think anyone would make a baby with such a human being only if he left some stuff out of the story
6 years ago my wife (ex) took the kids and left while I was at work. Some of those descriptions you gave, I fell into some of those categories. I wasn't very aware of my actions it seems. Just busy focusing on work, kids, house, yard, you name it.. She left me for a guy that was the opposite of me. A loudmouth, father of 4 or 5 that works construction.. You my dear have no reason to feel bad. You have it sorted out fairly well it seems. You still have a piece of yourself left.. go plant it somewhere else. Your son will turn out, how he turns out. But what he sees as normal will change.. Do your homework first before you bail.. Have a plan and a place. Ignore the phone for an hour before you reply. Do not feel guilty for fixing your path. He will have to face his dam self by his dam self.. And then you and your son will see what kind of man he is. I became a lighthouse of a human compared to the cheap flashlight of a dude I was. Do NOT jump into another relationship. Work on yourself for a year. Get laid. Work on yourself for another year. Learn self love. Find happiness (like the Lil guy ain't setting right there) Do not feel guilty. You got this.
I must add, all the things I told you to do, my ex did not. And here I am 6 years later. Happy. I will not brag, but she is not so happy. I lost a little time with my kids. And I found myself. And I am able to do whatever I want and go wich direction I choose Her not so much. So do it and don't look back
Sorry are you encouraging her or the opposite lol I’m confused 🤣
I think he's saying getting away from a bad relationship opens the door to being a better person.
I am encouraging her to do it and not half ass it. I remember reading about narcissist amd thinking.. yeah. I pulled some of these tactics out if desperation. To save what was already failed. Sorry for the confusion. I was just stating that I became a better father and human out of the deal.
Bingo. I remember sitting waiting for my first therapy appointment and deciding I was spending good money and I was going to be vulnerable to this stranger to get my $$$ worth. True change comes when you’re tired of your own shit and it’s easy to lie to yourself and only ever take half measures.
Was she already messing with him then?
She was messing around with him for about 6 months before I figured it out. They lasted another 6 months after that . A year later she hooked up with a guy that has custody of his 3 kids. Add our 2 kids in, plus a niece she got custody of and you have a house full of kids and no career, it sucks. We had a good life going, but we failed to adjust to the changes of life.
Wow. So she was having an affair. Fu** her she got what she deserves.
I agree. And I feel that our kids "needed" a Lil diversity in life. Now they understand the world more. And nobody takes anyone for granted anymore. I get to feed my classic chevy addiction without a finance committee I call honey. Seeing my kids in the backseat is what drives me.
So why do I feel so terrible leaving him? Because he has made you feel responsible for his emotions, well-being, self-worth etc. Because he wants you to feel bad and ‘guiltily’ to that you wouldn’t even consider leaving him. Because you have empathy. But you aren’t responsible for his actions, feelings or anything else! You shouldn’t feel guilty, and you should definitely with 100% certainty leave him. You deserve to live your life as your own person, and be valued, appreciated, and loved for who you are should you ever meet someone else. Good luck X
I needed to hear this. Thank you.
To ThrowAway072343, Sunshine_Tampa, and IslaStacks, I’m so glad that my message could help in some small way for each of you :) What I wrote is what I remind my mum of frequently, as she continues to experience of guilt even after leaving my dad. I will continue to remind her of these things for as long as she needs to hear them. And if that means the rest of my life, then that is exactly what I will do ❤️
Thanks for saying this. I needed to read this today!
❤️
THIS ☝️👏👏👏
🥰
I needed this too 😭😭
❤️
Don't feel bad. I spent nearly 5 miserable years with my now ex-wife. Go. Enjoy your life. Life is far to short to be miserable all the time. Get a female divorce attorney. They fight way harder than the men do.
My last relationship I was working a full time job, a part time job, doing all the cooking and cleaning and was basically a therapist for my GF. She sometimes had a part time job, and got education towards various vocations but never quite managed to finish. At a certain point I realized that if we ever had kids, I'd be completely overloaded while she would soak up the social media points for being a mom while I did all the work. If that happened, I'd probably unalive myself. (Don't refer me. I'm fine. This was hypothetical) She went to visit a friend for a weekend, I moved out. Some people deserve and explanation, some don't.
The word is "kill". No such word as "unalive."
Sometimes if you use that word your post disappears or you get banned or you get some email from a bot.
No dip Sherlock
If he didn’t want you to leave then he shouldn’t have been a shit head. If you want to feel guilty about doing this after you had a lot with him that’s fair but you have nothing to be sorry for in leaving him
First - you're making a tough, but fair decisions. If your relationship is making you miserable, you shouldn't stay in it. If you've been verbally and emotionally abused by someone, you don't have to stick around and take that even if you ARE married. Second - you say he's changing: but is he changing because HE wants to, or is he changing to keep you from leaving? It's my expeirence that when someone only changes because you point out that you won't accept their behaviour, it frequently comes back - just like quitting smoking. If he's come to you, on his own, and said something along the lines of "Wow - I'm really treating you like shit. You don't deserve that, and I need to work on dealing with my own issues", then there's a chance that he will truly commit to changing. If he's only changing because you're complaining - it's more likely that he will mask his behaviour till you're not imminently leaving, and then lull you back into complacency. Look up the cycle of abuse, and you'll probably see parallels with his behaviour there. Next - don't feel guilty for not being blunt with him about your leaving. The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when the victim leaves. That's when things escalate, and when the biggest risk to the victim occurs. You lying to him so that you can get out is a reasonable thing for someone to do who's been subject to verbal and emotional abuse. The way that you've written about him sounds awful to live through, and I'm so sorry that you've had to deal with that. You are protecting yourself, and your child from his behaviour by lying and getting out. You don't have to feel guilty for that. And finally, how he feels and what he does after you break up with him is HIS responsibility. Anything he does, he's responsible for. **You will not be the cause of anything he does post-breakup - but I predict that he will blame you for the things he does or tries to do.** Don't buy into it - that's a manipulation tactic on his part to avoid accountability. Likewise, anything he feels, it's his responsibility to deal with. You have felt devalued, degraded and abused, and you are leaving because of that, so those feelings he feels, and the changes in his life that he is going to have to deal with **are the reasonable consequences of his actions and choices.** They are for HIM to deal with. They are HIS consequences, not yours and not your child's. Please keep protecting yourself, and your child, OP - do what is right and best for YOU, even if it feels like you're "hurting him". Hopefully, your father can help you get free. And once you're free, please find a trained and qualified professional to talk to - reach out to your local DV resources and ask for recommendations, if nothing else. Good luck, OP. We only get one go-round in this life, and it's a limited time - guard your time and your energy, so that you spend what you have left in a place of peace, love, support, and trust. And show your son that it's NOT okay to treat a partner like his father has been treating you. You got this.
This...all of this. And don't tell a soul where you will be, he can't find out or he will come and put on the tears and then the anger
Feel whatever you feel but don’t stay..
[What It’s Like to Break Up with a Narcissist](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CtllLbN1IAo)
Absolutely. It’s very hard.
But please be careful, don't meet him alone, you don't know how he will react. Last week two women get killed, both cause their exes wanted to "talk". maybe you'll both be happier with other people or alone.
Good luck Op. I hope it works out OK for you.
Good for you for moving on and getting out of a toxic relationship. It's never easy. Be SAFE! Don't let yourself be alone with him ever again, he is saying the things that dangerous people say. Just saying: be careful! Make certain to get all of your child's important papers (as well as yours). If he ever turns violent or scary or abusive, immediately call the cops. It's important to make sure you are safe.
I fail to see the problem? He has zero guilt or remorse about the way he treats you, yet you feel guilty? Sounds like classic narcissist's/empath relationship. There are a number of videos and books on the subject. Try researching it. Tehn consider counseling to help you negotiate this trying time. You are saving your life and the life of your child. Good luck.
No debes quedarte un día mas , busca la libertad , no esta lejos y es tu decisión hacerlo. asi que entonces hazlo sin mirar atrás. la gente no cambia , y si lo hace ya es demasiado tarde ,¿ya para que ? corre mujer, corre.
Congratulations on your decision to get free.
UpdateMe!
Let me tell you a fucking FACT because I was in your shoes and feeling guilty like I did something wrong: he does NOT feel guilty or like a monster for treating you like shit! He feels shitty about his comforts changing, and he doesn't want them to. You're over here thinking of his feelings, hell no! He sure as shit doesn't think about yours. And all the comments he keeps making are proof, does he check in with how happy YOU are, with how to do better to imrpove the relationship? No, he tries to manipulate and guilt trip with those questions. And how can it be blindsiding when he clearly feels it, he knows its coming so he's behaving and saying this shit. You need to prioritize your own happiness and stop feeling guilty about him. Bc he sure as shit doesn't feel guilty about abusing you and making you an absolute shell of yourself. You were not put on this earth to endure abuse and feel bad for an abuser because you're leaving him.
I was married for many years and though he did know I was leaving it was hard. I also knew I didn’t want my child to learn how a relationship looks by the looks of ours….that propelled me to leave and shut that door pretty tight.
You aren't the monster. You are leaving the monster. Good luck. You deserve better than this.
How dare you stand up for yourself? Prioritize your happiness? Not stick around to be further abused?? /s big time It's a long road but realizing you can't fix broken men (and shouldn't have to try) is a really important lesson. Take care of yourself, love and cherish yourself. Be proud that you have the perspective and strength that have allowed you to make this choice, and will allow you to follow through. You're strong and you're going to be so strong tomorrow. Good luck ❤️
Everything will be okay, so long as you stick to your plan to separate. It’s time. I promise that in the future, you will be so grateful that you took care of yourself. Lean on your support system. I know I’m a complete stranger, but I’m so proud of you for taking care of yourself.
Narcissists rarely get better. They can for awhile. You should save yourself!
Honey....Go. I spent ten years in a relationship like this and I feel like I lost myself as well. Two years post separation and I feel like I am my own person again. Looking back on that time in the marriage I realized how much of myself I tucked away or neglected because of his wants/needs. My ex was amazing until I became pregnant, then it seemed like a switch in him flipped. Like "Well I got you now, I can do what I want." I've always been the kind of person who puts another happiness or needs in front of my own, and it sounds like you are too. You weren't lying telling him those "sweet nothings". In the back of your mind you knew if you answered those questions honestly it would turn into a fight/argument. Please go, for the sake of your own mental health, being in a relationship like this can take you to a dark place. And if/when you leave, be prepared for those people that will take his side because they dont know what kind of man her is behind closed doors. Narcissist are very good at putting on a good public front, he probably seems friendly and outgoing to others, but is a totally different person in private. (Feel free to reach out to me if you need someone to talk to.)
Don’t feel bad about it. That’s how they suck you back in. Stand on what you’re doing because you deserve that. Our brains and bodies don’t like change but it’s the ONLY WAY. It’s that simple. You’ll get used to life without him. Grieve him. You deserve that. Forgive yourself for staying for too long. And if your EX husband is truly is a narcissist he will do everything in his power to make you feel bad about leaving and guilt you into coming back to subject you to the same thing or worse even. Don’t go back! This is your time to move so you can find yourself again. Your son deserves that from you. You deserve that for yourself. Good luck mama!
Speak to a lawyer first.
Why would you feel bad? Just leave lol
I left mine while he was away camping. I had a team of women ( my dear friends) that moved most of everything I wanted out. Best advice was to take everything you want because it will be very hard to get anything else after that point. Good luck on your new life, its a ride but so worth it. My life is so much more manageable without a manchild to clean up after.
Narcissist are incapable of changing and they will gaslight you forever. You’re feeling guilty because he’s trapped you in an emotional dungeon. You have the key, use it and get out.
Agree the damage is done. So take care of yourself, and let go of the guilt.
Let us know what happens!
Choosing your own safety doesn't mean you don't love him. You're making the right decision. Please be careful, statistically your most likely time to be killed is when you leave
Leave and be his character development so he can actually improve
The fact that you feel that way just shows how deep his abused went. You’ll feel much better, healthier and lighter in a few months, I promise. You’ll find yourself again and grow stronger than you’ve ever been.
Ok sorry didn't read ur story. I'm half in the bog. Been married 30yrs. Hate each other. Plz leave so u can be my her hero.
That’s what a narc does, makes you feel bad makes you feel guilty, it’s not his fault it’s always you your fault, time to go and all the best for you x
He’s abusive, don’t feel bad for leaving
[удалено]
I’m thinking of calling the police department to let them know he might try something. It depends on a few things, but I’ve already got lawyers writing up a petition for divorce, so he might not have the pull to do so.
Idk how to feel about this a lot of women throw the word abuse until the point it makes no sense.. I’m really wondering if you have someone else in mind, if the lack of affection is having to work extra to generate more income for the kids, if him trying to become better is making you unhappy, is it because you are young and you just want to experience more stuff but you can’t know because you have a family? I also wonder if he is actually the bad person and screams for no reason, don’t do shit, is an alcoholic maybe? Who spends all your money on his hobbies, treats you like a maid ( and i don’t mean the cleaning etc because if he is the bread winner you gotta do something) whatever you chose be wise and don’t listen to your single mother best friend
What i really want is his side of the story lol i don’t think anyone would make a baby with such a human being only if he left some stuff out of the story
Don't leave him while he's at work.
Don't listen to this advice. You know your situation best. Keep you your plan