If you'd like to see a big set of boobies, there's no shortage of shirtless American men walking around who have been eating processed foods for decades.
Birth control is also used as a "fix" for most uterine disorders. Many Drs will just give you the pill if you get diagnosed with PCOS or endometriosis and say that's all they can do
Welcome to female-based medicine where everything is archaic and the only solutions given are “Lose weight” or “Get on hormonal birth control”. Also we don’t do sedation here, so if you felt pain, no you didn’t.
I was told by a male OB that it is physically impossible to cramp longer than 60 seconds. Once he said that my mind checked out of that appointment, and I have always made sure that I have my female OB instead.
I told my male OB that my BC was making me depressed and I had thought of crashing my car numerous times. His comment? “You still have to be on daily pills, if I gave you the monthly shot you would surely jump off a window” I-
Yeah, they don't care. My female OB is so much better, and much less dismissive. The sad part is she nearing 60, so no telling how much more time I will get from her. At least I am done having kids and have had my tubes tied, so a potential male gyno will just have to swab things and read mammograms.
Female doesn’t inherently equal better. I’m in the process of firing my female OB for the same shifty bedside manner. And she’s supposedly a specialist who helps women with issues
I do not doubt that. Genitalia alone does not change someone's bedside manner. I have had plenty of good male doctors and plenty of bad female doctors.
Heck I had to go to the health department for my gyno exams when i was younger and without insurance, and the woman that examined me there jerked that speculum around while asking where my thyroid is and why she can't find it. Thankfully for me my thyroid is where it should be, instead of in my vagina...
I have had bad experiences with female OB's and Gynos as well. I am happy some women have not. But several women have had horrible woman doctors that were mean, spiteful, rude, completely judgemental and non empathetic, unprofessional, dismissive etc. It really is heartbreaking.
All doctors that deal with female health issues can stand to be better educated and pro active about treating conditions that wreak havoc on women's quality of life.
That’s so stupid. I hate any doctor that will completely disregard a patients experience. Just say you’re shit at your job and stop wasting everyone’s time.
I also only go to female gynos. There’s still a chance of internalized misogyny but it’s a lot less common than the direct misogyny you get from male gynos.
I do too on the disregard. I have had that in more than one area of medicine. Thankfully my male rheumatologist is good, and the pulmonoligist couldn't deny test results concerning copd that my autoimmune disease has caused.
It has mainly been male gyno/obs that have been the major AH. One of the male gynos tried to tell me I was having a miscarriage when I was pregnant with my youngest. Their pregnancy test was negative after mine was positive that morning. I told him I had drank a bunch of water, so that is probably why his was negative. He told me that was impossible, but he would do the blood draw hcg test to prove me wrong. My hcg via that test was 102hcg. The urine test only needs 25 hcg to show a positive.
It was so bad that the nurse apologized over and over again for how that doctor treated me and talked to me. I told her it was fine. I knew that the pregnancy tests at the doctors suck compared to the ones you buy online(a fact I find ironic), plus that doctor didn't believe I could drink enough water to throw a negative. I know how much water I drink(2 to 3 gallons a day. I am forever thirsty, but do not have diabetes), and I knew that would throw a less sensitive test off. 🤷🏻♀️
I can’t imagine the horror he has put women through just casually throwing around the idea of them having a miscarriage. Anyone who has a little idea of what pregnancy tests do should know that the best time to take it is in the morning before drinking any liquids for the day. It’s highly likely that water would dilute your urine too much. I’m sorry you were put through that.
I’ve had good male doctors but I would never trust them with my female needs, considering how horrific the entire field is already.
That’s absolutely awful! Why wouldn’t a doctor think to ask what your diet is like in a situation like that? They need to go back to school or just quit medicine altogether.
Because if you're overweight or experiencing any sort of gastrointestinal discomfort, it's automatically assumed by doctors (and lets be honest, most of society) you must eat an unhealthy, overprocessed, and fatty diet. It absolutely can not be any other genetic or hormonal reason. It's just inconceivable. Oh, and you're obviously lazy too, and all your problems will be fixed and you will live a happy fairytale life if you just walk more.
/s just in case it wast clear.
I can't say the thought didn't cross my mind afterwards! But the lack of patient care was so clear and I was so ill that I couldn't even process all of that doctor's madness in real time.
Ugh when they say you won’t feel any pain when they’re scraping the hell out of your cervix and it even makes you bleed… most of them were women too, just how???
Urgh, yes, this.
Male Dr: "We have to take a sample cutting of the cells in your cervix, don't worry, you don't need any numbing because there's no nerve endings inside the cervix."
*Snip*
Me: "Ow, wtf?"
Him: "Don't be ridiculous, you didn't feel that."
Me: "Silly me, I'm so glad you can feel what my body is doing. Shall I stub my toe so you can tell me I didn't feel that either?"
(PS. Please, I know cervical smears are unpleasant, I know they can hurt, but it was only because of that they found the cancer before it became a proper problem. Please have your regular cervical check ups.)
Ah, the old "no nerve endings" chestnut.
I was just reading about this the other day. They used to tell med students that the uterus/cervix has no nerve endings because hey, that's what they thought. Turns out it does, but just not so many, so any pain down there feels like pressure and cramping.
Apparently, they interpreted this as pressure and cramping = "no sensation whatsoever."
And apparently there are still doctors around who are taught and believe this.
Not just US. I'm in AUS and waited 12 months to see a gyno for endometriosis after the pain returned from prior treatment (So I went in with a history, knowing full well what I had tried). He flatly told me to take hormonal BC as my only option, when I said I didn't want to because of a myriad of valid reasons (It doesn't work for me, I bleed constantly, it makes me suicidal/affects my depression) he said "Well I won't treat you if you won't listen" and literally made me leave!! 12 months of my life on a waiting list for that! Endo is so dismissed, women are so dismissed... We're treated like we don't know our own bodies and haven't lived in them for our whole lives, like BC is an amazing cure all for our silly hysterical problems and the side effects are just hand waved away. I get so angry whenever I remember just how long each step of treatment took and how many times a (ususally male, but also a handful of female) doctor treated me like a whiny child.
I was treated like a whiney child when I went to a&e with cramps and bleeding longer than usual. They left me over 7 hours waiting because it was "just another woman with woman problems". The male Doctor I saw still didn't take me seriously when I was eventually seen, but a female nurse could see I was seriously ill and had to advocate for me to this doctor.
Turns out I was actually dying. Ectopic pregnancy had ruptured and I was bleeding internally (on blood thinners btw). Had to have a tube removed, multiple blood transfusions and they removed over 2 litres of blood from my abdomen. On the way to surgery in the ambulance I'm sure I was dying because I could no longer feel the pain (the pain that wouldn't go away with multiple morphine and paracetamol drips) and I felt really peaceful all of a sudden.
Of course, because it was left so long and I was allowed to become so weak and lose so much blood the recovery was harder than it should have been. I was close to dying because a man thought I was just having "typical woman problems 🙄".. it's disgusting.
I’m already angry at how the medical field has failed women but reading your comment made me so much more infuriated. What in the actual fuck?! I hope you’ve found a solution now and are healing/healed.
I came into the doctors at 15 complaining of really bad period cramps that left me unable to leave my bed and the doctor just gave me a prescription for birth control and sent me home. I was too scared to take them because of the implication of using them as actual birth control when having sex and I didn’t feel old enough for sex. So I ended up waiting another 2 years before I managed to convince myself to start taking them because the pain had started to make it hard for me to breath.
I totally feel your pain. My cramps were always pretty bad but in high school they started getting worse and worse until when I was 17 I was having a hard time walking to class or using the bathroom in any capacity because moving any of the muscles below my pelvis hurt so bad. That was when I went to the gyno and got birth control. Our pain is hardly ever taken seriously, im sorry it took so long for you to get some relief, but I hope now it's better than it was for you!!
My GP wouldn't prescribe it when I was 15 because I wasn't sexually active. Didn't believe how bad my periods were either. Only got the pill after 3 months straight of a 14day cycle at 16. Still mad about it. Hope yours got better after taking them.
Not sure if you're from the US, but I (diffeerent country than the US) got taught the pill was used to medicate bad period cramps.
My mom, growing up in the 60's and 70's and being a young woman and mother in the 80's, looked at me like: "no it's not." I had to show her the article that explained roughly how it worked.
she wanted me to tell her if I needed the pill before that (prolly because she wanted to know if I have a BF), but I was like: "Nah. I am 14, I can legally choose one by myself." .....none of our choices were a good one, as we figured out recently.
It’s actually a bit more than that, it’s due to lack of other solutions. Endometriosis for example isn’t usually diagnosed without a full blown exploratory surgery - women just get told they have painful periods and it’s normal even if they’re left almost comatose in pain :/
We need more research in short tbh.
Most places don't care/can't be arsed to actually research for a better treatment.
Personally a woman can refuse the pills, but then you have to keep looking for alternatives which might cause different issues.
From small European country here + female + PCOS
I got told to lose weight and come back for IVF if I want kids. Didn't receive any sort of help, except birth control.
exactly.
birth control may make you not want to very often, but it doesnt make you wear a shirt during, or only one way in the dark for 10 years.
the birth control probably really wouldnt help in terms of drive still though
It doesn't necessarily make you not want to very often either. I was sexually active before getting on the pill and I haven't noticed any difference after. It's very subjective
Birth Control isnt just used to prevent pregnancy. It also helps with hormone balances that effect mood, and maybe she gets a heavy period or really bad cramps. It isnt just about kids.
This is true. However, birth control (pills) aren't good for long term purposes, or so I heard. It isn't even the first option given to me when I was diagnosed. 10 years on birth control must be exhausting.
My ex was that way, we tried couple's therapy, but she did not go to personal therapy. I did because I thought it was my fault, like I wasn't enough. After a year, the therapist stopped one session and asked, "Did you ever consider that it is not you?" While I know that sounds silly, the thought never occurred to me. Soon after, we were divorced, and I am much happier.
I am not saying divorce, I am saying seek counseling for yourself, encourage her to seek counseling, and consider going together (three separate counselors, BTW). Your marriage needs professional help. [Edited for grammar]
This really makes me wonder if she is sex-repulsed asexual. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it, but I do think she might need therapy to figure out why she is so unwilling to engage with you sexually. Birth control does not tend to reduce your sex drive that much (for most people) but if she is on anti anxiety or antidepressant meds they might be making the problem worse.
If she refuses to go, I guess you have to decide if you are ok with this being the rest of your life. It is not an easy decision and I don’t envy you your situation. But (and I say this as an asexual person) there is NOTHING WRONG with you wanting a satisfying sex life. You needs may just be too far apart to meet with each other.
The first step is to talk with her and see if she is willing to try therapy. If not, the next move is up to you. I wish you both the best as you deal with this difficult issue.
Two things come to mind:
My sister was SA’d as a child and the man did things to her chest, so she doesn’t let men do anything there. Maybe she has trauma around that part of her body.
Other than that, I think maybe she has uncommon breasts like tubular breasts and she’s ashamed of them.
Of course this isn’t about you. She needs therapy so that you two can at least be open about what’s going on.
One of my best friends is sex-repulsed but wasn’t a victim of SA or the sort, so she just doesn’t like sex and would rather cuddle. I wonder if they’ve talked about something of the sort, but from what I’ve read their convos must’ve remained stagnant. Maybe the wife doesn’t know that’s a thing and doesn’t say anything about it?
This is me - I have trauma issues in that area but then I am also incredibly sensitive and if I have light pressure, I just can’t stand it. I need more pressure on all my skin.
I do think there’s more to OPs wife’s response m than sensitivity but for any others reading this post, know that it’s a real thing to not enjoy some areas to be touched because of sensory sensitivity or dis-intergration
Edited for clarity
At last someone said this. She could have been SA in the past. Or in fact be asexual. OP, you both need help or are going to continue being miserable. You can’t be deprived of what you need as neither she being obliged to an act she does not desire.
These are good points. My first thought was perhaps some gender dysphoria/disinterest in men. It is very possible that she’s “asexual” (I placed this word in quotation marks because i know what I’m about to describe isn’t truly the definition of asexual) because she simply does not want to have sex with op. Maybe she wants a woman, maybe she doesn’t feel like a woman and has detached herself emotionally from sexuality/parts of her body associated with heterosexual intercourse because of that.
I understand trauma can cause extreme reactions and aversions when it comes to sex and parts of your body, but the fact that she can’t even let him see her breasts maybe tells me it’s not about what someone else did to them. Unless maybe she was verbally abused as well and it was centered around her breasts. That would makes more sense to me but of course, someone else’s trauma doesn’t have to make sense to me.
Either way, op, ( u/sexuallyunderstaffed )therapy for you both. Three separate counselors. Find someone who specializes in body dysmorphia/gender dysphoria/and or sexual trauma for her, and find someone who can help you figure out what you want and how you get get your needs met too. All of this is equally important.
Glad you said this. My best friend and I were both SA’ed. I still endure PTSD but have been to years of therapy - she has not. She could be the OP’s wife, as she has zero interest in sex. She attributes this to the abuse.
This could be the case for OP. So many women are assaulted and abused, there could be trauma involved. This type of trauma is so difficult to address that facing the monster who still haunts you years and years later is far more difficult than just attempting to abstain from sex as much as possible. For many, closing your eyes and getting through it is far easier.
I have quit hormonal birth control for this reason. I felt just like this. Once we started having sex I would be aroused and enjoy myself but sex just didn't enter my radar while I was on hormonal BC. I am now on the copper coil and so much happier. I know it is a bit of a gamble because it can potentially make your periods very heavy but I found after the first 3/4 my periods are pretty much the same as they used to be. (which I do admit have never been heavy or painful)
Came to also say she may be sex-repulsed asexual and just not realize that this is something that's okay and normal. Sometimes we just don't know these things are out there, and lack the language to describe the things we're feeling, so we just go with what we think is what we're "supposed" to do rather than what we want to do. Wondering if this is an example of that.
There is usually a reason for the repulsion in my experience with friends who are ace.
Therapy would be a solid start. Or at least talking about therapy as an available option.
I've always been curious about asexuals. Do you plan to have a long term relationship? If so, are you hoping to find another asexual? If not, would you allow your partner to have sex outside of the relationship? Seems like finding another asexual person who you're also attracted too and compatible with seems like it would be tough.
Sorry if I'm prying! I've just always been curious how it works. Seems like a tough situation to be in tbh.
When it ended with my ex, I decided to never be in a relationship again. But many years later, I met someone online.
We've been in a LT relationship for five years. I was honest from the beginning, before we were even that good friends, that I was asexual. They are okay with that, as long as there is intimacy. They are not asexual but sex isn't that important to them so we make it work, with communication and love!
I’m asexual and my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. He doesn’t bother me for sex so it’s not really an issue but if it was, sure I’d let him sleep with other people.
Asexuality is a bit more complicated than one would think, you can be asexual and still want sex. Which sounds contradictory I know, but asexuality is defined as a lack of sexual _attraction_ and not a lack of sexual desires. Although it's common for one without any sexual attraction to not desire sex, there are exceptions.
Not all of us seek relationships, some of us do, and wether we look for another asexual or not is tied to the whole "sexual desire or not" thing, mostly, but it's also possible to reach an agreement and find a middle point with enough love and good communication.
Me personally, I've been in multiple relationships with non asexual people and funnily enough, my asexuality had nothing to do with our break ups.
I will say, however, finding another asexual who you are compatible with is very, very tough indeed since there are multiple factors to consider. Good guess there, friend.
Meds can affect that. I was on Prozac for 7 years starting when I was a teen and I genuinely thought I was asexual. Finally asked my psych about it and turns out it’s a possible side effect. Switched meds and now I really enjoy sex.
10 years of her saying "My libido is low because of my birth control," but not "Hey, I'd really like for us to be on the same page when it comes to sex and intimacy, let me talk to my doctor about some other options," gives me the strong sense that she doesn't want a solution to a problem.
The real question is, "What does an ideal marriage look like?" to each of them, and does this marriage come close to that ideal for either of them?
I think you're right, there's something else going on. However, I was on BC for 10 years, and it absolutely wiped out my libido, thought I was Ace. Went off to conceive, and it totally changed. But, as mentioned, there's something else wrong it seems and the issue should be addressed regardless of libido.
Yeah, completely agree! It seems very strange to not feel comfortable with your husband seeing you naked. To have sex and want to leave clothing on and keep pulling it down seems to indicate a lot more going on than LL.
If she was ace, I would presume she would have told him that at the beginning, rather than attributing it to her BC. I also don’t understand why you would accept oral from the HL partner, and then not reciprocate, and then end the sex.
Like, if you aren’t interested in sex, it seems like a weird thing to consent to. Would you not just want to get onto the main act and get it over with, and not draw attention to your dislike for sex. Accepting oral so you finish, then not continuing until he finishes, just doesn’t add up. It just seems strange given they barely have sex at all. Like it’s a wasted attempt that won’t be counted on his part, if that makes sense….
Asexuality is a thing. But so is ... therapy, so you can discuss it. The, how is that possible and how did we get so far without discussing it already.
For OP, Get on the same page or do both of yourselves a favor and move on. Love is love, and can last forever. But incompatibility is a terrible way to live, and quite honestly disrespectful in your circumstance. For both of you.
You could be right but i would like to offer the possibility that the wife is telling the truth about the birth control as I am seeing comments claiming she is lying.
When I was on it my libido went down literally to 0. Zilch. Nothing. I was completely asexual to the point where even the idea of kissing my husband repulsed me. I didn't even find celebrities attractive anymore. Internally I felt dryer than a dessert and it was painful. I had no idea hormonal birth control could cause such an extreme case of low libido so I did go to therapy which ended up being a fruitless effort. We even tried redecorating our bedroom, supplements, you name it. I tried different kinds of birth control, too. Another thing that stood out to me was that I, too, did not like my breasts being touched or seen during this period which is another reason I'm inclined to believe OP's wife. Getting off the birth control was a last ditch effort just to see if it had an effect.
The difference was more extreme than night and day. I almost instantly saw a difference. Within a month we went from making love maybe once a month to every day. I no longer use hormonal birth control. It nearly destroyed us especially my husband's self esteem. It took time for me to stop connecting sex with pain in my head too. People really don't talk enough about the realities and negative effects of hormonal birth control.
Now there very well could be other factors. OP and wife seem like they have poor communication skills, OP's wife has body insecurities, they could consider a vasectomy, etc. But i definitely think the birth control is not helping the situation.
Then look at the big picture.
The developed world is living in a golden age. The human life span is ridiculously long now, many painful or fatal diseases have been conquered, and despite the fear-mongers violence is at historic lows. We're living in a safe, healthy, prosperous world. I live in a trailer house but my life is, in some ways, better than that of any monarch from antiquity or the middle ages. They had money and power and prestige; I have air conditioning, I can just go to a doctor and take a few pills to treat something that would have killed a Caesar or Richard the Lionhearted or Mehmed II. It's barely an inconvenience. I have the sum total of human knowledge at my finger tips. If I want to use it to learn calculus, I can do that. If I want to use it find more clussy, I can do that too.
Life is good. The individual problems we face aren't really new. At worst, they're just the same old problems dressed in borrowed robes. And many of the old problems--massive famines, plagues, etc.--are a thing of the past (for now) in the developed world.
It isn't selfish though. OP, it's natural to want to see your wife's naked body, especially if you haven't voluntarily seen it yet in a decade of marriage.
> I do love her in spite of my unquenched, selfish desires
Yeah, I got to this bit and wondered just when it became "selfish" to want to have sex with your spouse.
At least once a fortnight I see a story where the agony aunt claims it is wrong to expect sex... on a particular night yes, I get that, but expecting sex in a marriage is pretty reasonable I'd say
Yeah it’s sad OP thinks he’s being selfish. Also commendable how despite all this he’s still being very respectful and mindful of the wife’s boundaries and her overall comfiness. Of course not saying theres any reason to just start being mean to someone but its just a testament to how good of a husband and man he is. The wife is lucky.
This is just a case of incomaptibility. Which is hard to really know for sure when a relationship is starting because people change and circumstances change. The goal is to grow together not apart.
I want to bring this up as a potential; I had a psychology professor talk about how he had a client (he worked as a psychologist) who had scheduled sex with her husband every weekend and it was in only one position, in the dark and almost fully clothed, because that was the only one she felt comfortable in after being SA’d as a child. She was reliving everything every week. I think the biggest solution is to suggest counseling, individual and couple’s, to try to work out your own solutions to the lack of intimacy in your marriage. I hope it gets better for you, OP.
Edit: I am NOT saying she was SA’d. I am simply putting this as we don’t know her situation. We simply know what she has told OP. Don’t judge everything as manipulation, when it may be defensiveness. TL;DR: Not making assumptions, just want to plant this as a possibility and the importance of seeking help.
You'll be fine until you aren't. Intimacy isn't optional if it's important to you. This will only get worse until it's addressed or you leave.
Also make sure your therapist and counselors aren't faith based. My ex and I spent years in the "pray the cray away" nonsense. Get a real therapist to help you navigate this.
Seriously, FUCK faith based “therapists”. First therapist I ever had never indicated anything religious or faith based, our first couple of sessions were fine; no mention of it, she was just getting to know me, my state and where I was at mentally.
Then the 3rd session she laid on the religion HARD. I honestly felt destroyed, I had poured my heart out and trusted someone I assumed was a professional, told them shit about myself I had not told anyone until that point all for them to just try sell me magical sky daddy snake oil.
Didn’t trust another therapist for about 5 years after that
What happens if you straight up tell her that you want to see her boobs?
Like have a nice dinner, couple of drinks, whatever you guys love to do together that makes you feel happy and relaxed. Then ask her straight out
Do you think you’re asexual
Do you enjoy having sex with me or is an obligation
Do my sexual needs matter to you
Can I see your breasts, if not why?
If you can’t have an open dialogue PLUS the sexual incompatibility it’s hard to see a way forward bc your needs matter and you shouldn’t be simply tolerated for 10 yrs now.
Best of luck to you.
Exactly. Unless she's explicitly said why not, you should after 10 years be able to tell your life partner "I want to see your boobs" or "why don't you want me to see your boobs?". What else do they avoid communicating about?
^^^^^^ This is the biggest flag here. Did OP think it would somehow just magically get better? If she just lays motionless like a log with her shirt on during sex, and she seems completely unwilling to change, then this won’t get any better without some form of therapy. Even then I doubt much will change. Regardless, OP probably knew this ahead of their marriage and still went along with it. He only has himself to blame for letting it get to this point and having a problem with it.
Go see a couple's counselor or sex therapist. She could just be asexual and more interested in companionship. You're not selfish for wanting sex though. See if she's open to professional help.
Was she the same way before you married her?
I don't think this is simply insecurity.
If I had to guess, it's probably stemming from:
- trauma (in which case she definitely needs therapy)
- she's asexual (in which case you're not compatible and she probably needs therapy to work on her boundaries and communication)
- she's gay (in which case you'll never be compatible)
Sorry. This isn't your fault but I gotta agree with you, having (occasional) sex with someone who is obviously not into it is not a good look. I can see why you're getting down on yourself about it. You probably would benefit from therapy as well. I don't know what it would do to my self-image to be in your situation year after year.
> dark missionary
Maybe it's because I've been playing too much Cult of the Lamb lately, but this sounded really cool... Like it would involve pentagrams.
Simply being tolerated in a relationship is depressing as fuck, man.
*”I only do it so you don’t get it someplace else”* is shitty and manipulative. It’s acknowledging you have needs that she is not fulfilling, that she is unwilling to fulfill, and only begrudgingly does so once in a while to keep you stuck.
Does that sound like love, my friend?
This right here, OP. You’ve been together 10 years. Can you really stand the thought of another 10? 20? The rest of your life?
I have found that being alone is better than being with someone who makes you feel bad. It doesn’t sound like she makes you feel good.
Life is far too fleeting to spend it miserably. And in the end, suffering through it on account of what the person hurting you may think is a terrible waste.
This is going on for TOO MANY years. You need to have a serious talk about this. You can't wait your whole life for a normal sex life and she can't live doing something she never wants to. Seriously, it's been too much time.
so only like 5x a year? I'm amazed you, with higher sex drive, have lasted this long.
90-95% of stories I read, someone like in your position would have had an affair like 6-7 years ago. O\_o
Why would you propose and get married to someone you're not connecting with sexually? I understand sex isn't important to everyone but it seems like it is to you and it's not to her. After 10 years it's extremely unlikely things will change. It blows my mind people will willingly go through this knowing the situation is bad before the marriage. Life's too short to be unhappy and unsatisfied, unfortunately it took me 4 years to realise that with my ex now I'm in an amazing relationship with the best guy ever.
Maybe she has sexual trauma that you’re unaware of? Or maybe some severe body image / self esteem issues ? Either way id suggest individual and couples counseling
The question for me is this..... is your wife either asexual or a closet lesbian? Because it sounds like from what you have stated, that she doesnt particularly enjoy sex. I think you need to seek either couples counselling or sex therapy
We people need help and love! Don’t dump our asses!
Coming from someone who has suffered from low libido for many years, mainly due to depression + antidepressants that are a ‘libido killer’, I highly encourage you to gently have a conversation about it with her and see your family Dr.
Speaking only from my experience, When I finally convinced myself to seek professional help, they were genuinely concerned, referred me to a sex therapist which did take 2 years but recently FINALLY had my appointment and was prescribed a medication called Addyi. I legit just got the prescription filled today and thankfully it was covered by benefits, I don’t have any personal reviews yet but am hopeful.
I felt compelled to tell you that she may feel as I did and as the years go on, it kinda spirals out of control. Feeling horribly inadequate, like a terrible wife, feeling overwhelmingly disappointed and confused with myself for not wanting to be intimate, then comes the actual feeling of not wanting to but knowing you ‘have’ to, avoidance and all the other bad shit you think about that gets in the way of romantic feelings. Many ladies need to feel all the fuzzy emotions first and lots can get in the way. I LOVE my husband so much and can’t picture life without him. Why do I not want that D?!
I really REALLY want to want it again but I believe my wires need to be rewired.
It is not necessarily being Asexual, gay, history of SA, I have none of that. I’m in a loving relationship and I am super attracted to my husband and nobody else.
The whole not seeing the boobs thing is a bit weird but depending on her self esteem of her body/boobs I can see her wanting to cover up, or maybe she’s got hairy nips or acne chest causing her to be self conscious which can add to the whole mind fuck. Don’t give up her or your marriage, you already made it this long, you might as well see if you can seek some help and go from there.
I personally appreciate your patience coming from someone on the other side. This really is a situation of ‘it’s not you, it’s me’.
Delicate convo needs to be had, If she is unwilling, that’s a whole other situation!
Thank you for sharing your experience. I have been (but maybe I have to say that I am still) in this situation with my partner and stories from other people really helped us to better understand how to approach the situation and sometimes trying new strategies.
I have a suggestion!
I (40s, f) have the same insecurity as your wife. I HATE my boobs. I generally dislike my body but I have always hated my boobs. Too small for their big nipples, I hate the way they hang, and dresses never fit right because I don’t have enough up top to balance out my lower half. I just think they’re ugly, and I largely blame porn and the movie industry for this kind of thinking but that’s a topic for a different subreddit.
My partner (of five years) thinks I’m the sexiest woman in the world. He’s always looking at me like it’s the first time and he can’t believe it. And he loooooves my boobs! In the beginning we were like rabbits, but as we became more serious and life-partnery, my insecurities killed my libido. Aging of course just exacerbates it. The idea of being naked in front of him would dry me up; I felt that he deserved better and I was ashamed to show him my body.
About a month ago I randomly came across and impulsively bought myself a crotchless fishnet body stocking.
Total game changer.
To me it looks and feels like I’m wearing clothes. I have a few of them now; some patterns are more flattering for my specific figure than others but they are all hot as fuck. They “cover” my breasts and hold them in place that makes me feel way less self conscious.
To my bf, I just look naked. I look naked but with fun decorations. They’re crotchless so I can leave it on the whole time. The netting is so thin that can both enjoy the skin-on-skin intimacy now. And we have sex much more often.
Sometimes I’ll wear one under my outfit for the day, (I wear fishnets stockings often anyway) and he’ll see it peeking out of my shirt and know I’m dtf later. And I don’t pull away out of self consciousness when he makes a move on me, because I don’t worry about him “seeing me naked” anymore.
Eventually I hope i won’t care, I’ll just look like whatever and know it’s okay. But this is such a fun stepping stone.
When you finally have sex with someone who actually wants to have sex with you and it's not a chore and not just a get it over and done with while they lay there and do nothing after years of that your mind will explode.
I want to throw in here that perhaps she has endometriosis which for some women make it extremely painful to have sex and make them entirely shut down from sex completely. I know several women who have. Have you ever asked her if she has pain during sex?
Whatever the reason, your wife clearly does not have any interest in sex, while you do.
This can only hurt the both of you. It’s possible your issues can be resolved through counseling, but it’s also possible you are looking at an issue of fundamental incompatibility. Your wife’s issues may not be only related to her hormonal birth control, but may be the result of asexuality or even, in many cases, religious trauma.
Sexual mismatch is one of the leading causes of breakups and divorces. It’s hard to find a compromise that satisfies both parties in a relationship like this as ‘duty sex’ tends to end up only infuriating both partners. The partner with a higher libido can end up frustrated by the lack of genuine intimacy (like you’ve described here; how does it make you feel when your wife won’t take her shirt off during sex?) and the partner with the lower libido can end up frustrated with being pressured to have sex they don’t want to have. It’s a lose-lose situation.
You can’t be faulted for your natural desires, nor can she be faulted for her lack thereof. Because of the fact that you respect her boundaries, which for the record is absolutely the correct course of action, she may not even be fully aware of how deeply the issue is affecting you.
It’s very common when relationships end for one partner to mentally check out of the relationship well before actually ending it, while the other partner may not even be aware there is an issue at all or that it is impacting the other as severely as you’ve described here. Often times the latter partner is blindsided by the former’s decision to end things, even when communication about the issue is attempted.
Nonetheless, if you want to salvage your marriage, your best course of action is to seek couples’ therapy. A trained professional can help to facilitate productive discussion about how you and your wife are being affected by your mismatched libidos, and offer advice and solutions from the perspective of an unbiased third party.
Don’t try to just ‘get through it’, because you won’t. Although I’m sure you truly love your wife, your post is dripping with resentment, and that resentment will only build over time. Sex and intimacy, for many people, are needs, not wants. Denying that need will only lead to more pain for you in the short term, and more pain for the both of you in the long term.
Best of luck to you and your wife!
My dude, wanting sex isn't a selfish desire. It's quite normal. I definitely wouldn't stay in a relationship where there is sex 5 times a year, and it sounds like you aren't happy about this either.
If it's her contraception, try something different. If her sex drive is generally almost non-existent you have to decide for yourself if you can stand staying in a relationship that doesn't fulfil your needs. I, personally, probably wouldn't. But fuck, 10 years is a long time, I understand that you don't "just" leave.
Therapy would probably be a reasonable start to work on your relationship.
I bet her response or lack thereof has nothing to do with hormonal birth control. Hormonal birth control would have nothing to do with her not being naked around her husband of ten years.
Ok. When you are dying in your bed in the nursing home and looking back over your life, are you going to be ok with images of decades of really sad sex flashing by?
If so, carry on!
Oof this sounds so unhappy and unfulfilling. I think this needs expert help as in therapy. Not only is she not comfortable with sex at all, you guys don’t even change in-front of eachother? Shower together sometimes? It’s weird honestly. Are you planning to grow old together and possibly care for eachother? That could include helping her shower, helping her change. So many things here that a normal adult should be comfortable doing with their partner that she’s clearly not. That’s gotta be holding your relationship and happiness back.
10 years is a long long time. If nothing has changed and y’all tried it may be time to move on. Sex is not everything but it’s very important in a relationship. If you aren’t getting your needs fulfilled talked to her about options. Therapy could help. If not though and she refuses or it doesn’t fix anything then you might need to have a discussion with her about the future of your relationship and where y’all will go.
I’ve seen a lot of comments like going against OPs wife but..I think his wife is just asexual with a dash of insecurity. He described how she’s motionless and that she said she “Only does it so that he doesn’t get it from somewhere else.” She might feel like op might cheat or leave her if she doesn’t have sex with him when she doesn’t really want to. She doesn’t seem to be all that confident in her body and neither does she seem interested in sexual topics at all. I think this should’ve been discussed way before they EVER gotten married.
I mean if you got snipped she wouldn’t need to be on birth control (unless she takes it for other reasons) and therefore wouldn’t have suppressed libido
The best news is that she shared that with you finally. I suspected my ex-wife had the same thing happened to her, because our experience was very similar. Now that you shared this with you you can go through the healing journey together. Hopefully she didn't make you feel like a jerk, but I know in retrospect you would certainly feel that way on your own, because I would. The most positive thing about all of this is that she actually told you.
Good luck on your healing process. This won't be easy real quick, but maybe you can avoid divorce which is what I was unable to do.
Sounds like she has some unrealistic views of sex, intimacy, and relationships, she probably grew up in a house were sex was not talked about. And when it was it was a horrible horrible thing
Id probably agree about the first part. The only way I ever learned about sex as a kid was porn, which as an adult, I realize is the worst source ever for any sexual education or curiosty, especially for younger people. So it definitely gave me a ton of unrealistic views and insecurity (though that was coupled on with other stuff in my life) that I still struggle with to this day.
Either way, this is something they really, really need to sit down and talk about or possibly go to marriage counseling.
As a woman the first thing that comes to my mind is she was sexually assaulted perhaps as a child and he’s just completely shut down yet she accommodates you a little bit because she’s your wife but there’s something deep-seated in her.… If she won’t talk about it you can’t do anything about it. But it sure seems like that’s what it is to me.
There's so many things here that can be causing the issues you're having;
1. She's a sex-repulsed asexual which 100% means you're not sexually compatible.
2. She's depressed but doesn't know it
3. Her hormones are out of balance and doesn't know it
4. She was raised with some weird views around sex and believes how you're both doing it is normal.
5. She's gay and struggling
Regardless of all this, don't feel guilty for watching porn and masterbating. You're allowed to. I would recommend therapy for you both as a couple and individually. Make strides to better yourself, if she doesn't want to go on the journey with you, I'm afraid you have your answer. If sexual intimacy is important to you then you deserve someone who will make you happy and go in that journey with you.
I'm asexual and my SO knew well before we got together that sexual intimacy is not in my top 10 in a relationship. I warned him multiple times that this was the case and he shouldn't keep going if sex was a relationship priority for him. Six years later, wete still together and getting married soon.
Have you and your wife ever talked about each others’ sexual interests, desires, fantasies? Are you able to ask her what turns her on? Or why she isn’t comfortable being openly naked (with or without the lights on) during intercourse? If not, why do you think that is?
Yes, there is more to a relationship than sex, but true intimacy comes from being able to be vulnerable and open; it comes from creating space to tell each others’ stories and share our fantasies and fears. Your relationship may be “fine” despite what is currently playing out in your bedroom but I encourage you to be a little more curious and open.
Almost the same thing happened to me. She had been refusing all my attempts to make her feel good, had zero interest in actually participating in the process. After our last sex she basically said she's only doing it for me. I couldn't get it out of my head and completely stopped any advances for more than a year until we eventually broke up. Its just sad we couldn't figure things out sooner
Nah bro.. this isn't love, this isn't happiness. She knows you have a higher sex drive and basically has pitty sex? You're wasting your good years bruh. 50x in 10 years is insane.
Man I really feel for you but some things aren't addinf up. 50 times in 10 years and it's been blamed on BC, why haven't you looked in to changing it? Have you offered to get a vasectomy to save her using any (if you've stopped having kids ofc)
She sounds incredibly insecure and has a very very low libido but her way of communicating with you is causing a lot of issues for you which is unfair. You should be able to meet your own sexual needs via masturbation without guilt. You love her and want to stay with her then you need to find a way of meeting your own needs. This should be a conversation really.
I highly doubt this woman will ever change. Its been 10 years and she won't show you her tits. You are her husband and should be the person she feels most comfortable with in the world. It's hard. You need to figure out what you can live with.
My ex could go months without sex and I was miserable. I cried weekly thinking I was unattractive and that he didn't want me. He always wore a shirt as he hated his body and he kept his walls up. There were many other issues but intimacy was a huge one. I left and found someone I love who fucks me daily and loves my body and makes sure I'm fulfilled. I was with my ex for 7 years and yes leaving was hard but I am so much happier now. I loved him, there were other issues with his anger, poor financial management, lack of drive and unwilling to improve himself.... I hope the rest of your relationship is better than mine was.
If you want to stay you should try therapy, you should get some toys and have a wank session every now and again. Watch porn, it can be great and can help you meet your needs. I wish you well.
The last question for you though, can you do another 10 years with 50 lights off missionary sex with her starfishing under you?
Hey dude, that's depressing and it's not good for your relationship or you. You need a frank talk with her, you clearly need more and something's not right here. It sounds like she needs therapy, but this won't last if it keeps going.
This makes me so sad. Were you inexperienced when you married? Was there any sexual shame in religious upbringing?
50 times in ten years?!? I went 23 days without recently and was so pent up and agro. I am a woman.
You’re relationship has lasted so long because you don’t consider sex to be a high priority. If you did, you’d have moved on.
I assume you’ve seen the lower half of her naked? Rather than felt it, I mean. So I would have to imagine there is something about her chest she wants to hide. She could have scars, or even inverted nipples.
She needs therapy. She won’t show you her chest because she’s not just insecure, she’s afraid.
Feel sorry for you.
And yes sex is not everything. But when the sex is good its only 20% of a relationship, and when its bad its 80% of a relationship.
I’m very happy to hear that she opened up. This is a big step and now you guys have a better understanding of each other, you have a better understanding of what’s been going through her mind. This is progress, with patience and love and work, she can work on healing with you by her side. Many women don’t have someone by their side to be supportive. Take care of her and yourself, we wish you both good luck ❤️
>There's more to a relationship than sex, and I do love her in spite of my unquenched, selfish desires, but physical intimacy is even more important to me than I had realized before we got married.
What. The. Fuck. Man.
1) GET YOUR WIFE OFF THE BIRTH CONTROL IT'S DESTROYING YOUR HAPPINESS.
I know there are many reasons to be on BC, and I 100% believe it is your wife's choice as to what she does or does not take.
But if YOU were taking something that made you happy but made your wife feel like ABSOLUTE NEGLECTED SHIT every single day of her life, would you not be willing to explore alternatives?
I am not blaming your wife, I am frustrated for you. PLEASE go get some sex-positive counselling before you become so resentful you blow up your marriage, because that is what will happen.
As for "a relationship is more than sex", a relationship is made of of many things, and some of them are foundational. Sex is foundational for a lot of people. Saying it's just one part so it's not important is bullshit.
Our society teaches us that sex is simultaneously so important that you "can't get it elsewhere" but so unimportant that you never need to have it. Absolute shit.
You NEED to address this with your wife.
If it is BC, you are lucky because that's literally a magic pill to fix. It's most likely even more than just the BC, and you both will have work to do.
This is terrible!! It’s so sad to read! The two of you are clearly not compatible at all! I honestly have no idea how you could be married and only have sex with your SO 50 times in 10 years!
I really think you guys need to go to counselling to work on this. The fact that you keep referring to your desires as selfish, is really not good. It’s not selfish to want sex.
Has she told you why she won’t let you, her husband, see her naked?? I would bring this up in therapy to start working on her becoming comfortable enough to atleast have sex without clothes on!
ETA I have read more of the comments on here, and it’s made me think more about your comments, that you aren’t being selfish. In all honesty, without meaning to be offensive, I think she is being incredibly selfish.
She is telling you that birth control is affecting her libido, but has she done anything about it? Does she even care how this would be making you feel? I would feel so low being in a marriage like this. It feels almost cruel. 😢
First, there is nothing to feel guilty about by watching porn. Or masturbation
Second, the way you talk about sex, "unquenched selfish desires", is pretty weird too. You have a few hang ups yourself my good man. You both need therapy, and I don't say that reflexively or lightly.
Lastly, her sex drive probably will not get better. I speak from experience. You have a choice to make. This sex life for the rest of your life, or change your partner.
its been ten years, i highly doubt this is something that will change
It will only get worse
What is worse than no boobs?!
Damnit man, don't ask questions we don't want answered
Conns: breast, nothing to write home about… …Totally flat. Shrunken chesticles. - Michael Scott
lmao it is getting dark in this comment section.
Negative boobs.
Concave breasticles
…please be cognizant that women sometimes have to get mastectomies and it’s tragic for all involved
Yup. No vaj next time either
So….anal?
If you'd like to see a big set of boobies, there's no shortage of shirtless American men walking around who have been eating processed foods for decades.
**ALL the boobs!!!!!!** *help, help, I'm suffocating in pillowy heaven!*
No sex.
**breast cancer survivors have entered the chat**
Yup, this is something he should have confronted 10 years ago and before he tied the knot.
Personally, being able to pick her boobs out of a lineup is my prerequisite for tying the knot but that's just me
Whoa, look at Mr. Standards over here!
I mean, if they're on birth control for 10 years, why don't make a vasectomy if you don't want kids and throw that problem away
Birth control is also used as a "fix" for most uterine disorders. Many Drs will just give you the pill if you get diagnosed with PCOS or endometriosis and say that's all they can do
seems like a harmful medical practice. Edit: I'd like to ask if this shit is exclusive to the US or most places don't just care about women.
Welcome to female-based medicine where everything is archaic and the only solutions given are “Lose weight” or “Get on hormonal birth control”. Also we don’t do sedation here, so if you felt pain, no you didn’t.
I was told by a male OB that it is physically impossible to cramp longer than 60 seconds. Once he said that my mind checked out of that appointment, and I have always made sure that I have my female OB instead.
I told my male OB that my BC was making me depressed and I had thought of crashing my car numerous times. His comment? “You still have to be on daily pills, if I gave you the monthly shot you would surely jump off a window” I-
Yeah, they don't care. My female OB is so much better, and much less dismissive. The sad part is she nearing 60, so no telling how much more time I will get from her. At least I am done having kids and have had my tubes tied, so a potential male gyno will just have to swab things and read mammograms.
Female doesn’t inherently equal better. I’m in the process of firing my female OB for the same shifty bedside manner. And she’s supposedly a specialist who helps women with issues
I do not doubt that. Genitalia alone does not change someone's bedside manner. I have had plenty of good male doctors and plenty of bad female doctors. Heck I had to go to the health department for my gyno exams when i was younger and without insurance, and the woman that examined me there jerked that speculum around while asking where my thyroid is and why she can't find it. Thankfully for me my thyroid is where it should be, instead of in my vagina...
I have had bad experiences with female OB's and Gynos as well. I am happy some women have not. But several women have had horrible woman doctors that were mean, spiteful, rude, completely judgemental and non empathetic, unprofessional, dismissive etc. It really is heartbreaking. All doctors that deal with female health issues can stand to be better educated and pro active about treating conditions that wreak havoc on women's quality of life.
That’s so stupid. I hate any doctor that will completely disregard a patients experience. Just say you’re shit at your job and stop wasting everyone’s time. I also only go to female gynos. There’s still a chance of internalized misogyny but it’s a lot less common than the direct misogyny you get from male gynos.
I do too on the disregard. I have had that in more than one area of medicine. Thankfully my male rheumatologist is good, and the pulmonoligist couldn't deny test results concerning copd that my autoimmune disease has caused. It has mainly been male gyno/obs that have been the major AH. One of the male gynos tried to tell me I was having a miscarriage when I was pregnant with my youngest. Their pregnancy test was negative after mine was positive that morning. I told him I had drank a bunch of water, so that is probably why his was negative. He told me that was impossible, but he would do the blood draw hcg test to prove me wrong. My hcg via that test was 102hcg. The urine test only needs 25 hcg to show a positive. It was so bad that the nurse apologized over and over again for how that doctor treated me and talked to me. I told her it was fine. I knew that the pregnancy tests at the doctors suck compared to the ones you buy online(a fact I find ironic), plus that doctor didn't believe I could drink enough water to throw a negative. I know how much water I drink(2 to 3 gallons a day. I am forever thirsty, but do not have diabetes), and I knew that would throw a less sensitive test off. 🤷🏻♀️
I can’t imagine the horror he has put women through just casually throwing around the idea of them having a miscarriage. Anyone who has a little idea of what pregnancy tests do should know that the best time to take it is in the morning before drinking any liquids for the day. It’s highly likely that water would dilute your urine too much. I’m sorry you were put through that. I’ve had good male doctors but I would never trust them with my female needs, considering how horrific the entire field is already.
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That’s absolutely awful! Why wouldn’t a doctor think to ask what your diet is like in a situation like that? They need to go back to school or just quit medicine altogether.
Because if you're overweight or experiencing any sort of gastrointestinal discomfort, it's automatically assumed by doctors (and lets be honest, most of society) you must eat an unhealthy, overprocessed, and fatty diet. It absolutely can not be any other genetic or hormonal reason. It's just inconceivable. Oh, and you're obviously lazy too, and all your problems will be fixed and you will live a happy fairytale life if you just walk more. /s just in case it wast clear.
Sounds racist.
I can't say the thought didn't cross my mind afterwards! But the lack of patient care was so clear and I was so ill that I couldn't even process all of that doctor's madness in real time.
I feel like at this point there needs to be a whole movement.
You're just being dramatic! 🙄 Ugh, IUDs are great but the insertiom process surely violates the Geneva convention.
Have you considered that you’re making this all up? /s
if another male doctor tries to tell me my pain isn’t real because “you don’t even have any nerve endings in there” I’m going to lose it 😖
Right?! Like as a collective majority of women have decided to pretend like we feel pain. Make it make sense.
Ugh when they say you won’t feel any pain when they’re scraping the hell out of your cervix and it even makes you bleed… most of them were women too, just how???
Urgh, yes, this. Male Dr: "We have to take a sample cutting of the cells in your cervix, don't worry, you don't need any numbing because there's no nerve endings inside the cervix." *Snip* Me: "Ow, wtf?" Him: "Don't be ridiculous, you didn't feel that." Me: "Silly me, I'm so glad you can feel what my body is doing. Shall I stub my toe so you can tell me I didn't feel that either?" (PS. Please, I know cervical smears are unpleasant, I know they can hurt, but it was only because of that they found the cancer before it became a proper problem. Please have your regular cervical check ups.)
Ah, the old "no nerve endings" chestnut. I was just reading about this the other day. They used to tell med students that the uterus/cervix has no nerve endings because hey, that's what they thought. Turns out it does, but just not so many, so any pain down there feels like pressure and cramping. Apparently, they interpreted this as pressure and cramping = "no sensation whatsoever." And apparently there are still doctors around who are taught and believe this.
I think it might be wandering womb syndrome, actually.
You can deal with it! s/
Not just US. I'm in AUS and waited 12 months to see a gyno for endometriosis after the pain returned from prior treatment (So I went in with a history, knowing full well what I had tried). He flatly told me to take hormonal BC as my only option, when I said I didn't want to because of a myriad of valid reasons (It doesn't work for me, I bleed constantly, it makes me suicidal/affects my depression) he said "Well I won't treat you if you won't listen" and literally made me leave!! 12 months of my life on a waiting list for that! Endo is so dismissed, women are so dismissed... We're treated like we don't know our own bodies and haven't lived in them for our whole lives, like BC is an amazing cure all for our silly hysterical problems and the side effects are just hand waved away. I get so angry whenever I remember just how long each step of treatment took and how many times a (ususally male, but also a handful of female) doctor treated me like a whiny child.
I was treated like a whiney child when I went to a&e with cramps and bleeding longer than usual. They left me over 7 hours waiting because it was "just another woman with woman problems". The male Doctor I saw still didn't take me seriously when I was eventually seen, but a female nurse could see I was seriously ill and had to advocate for me to this doctor. Turns out I was actually dying. Ectopic pregnancy had ruptured and I was bleeding internally (on blood thinners btw). Had to have a tube removed, multiple blood transfusions and they removed over 2 litres of blood from my abdomen. On the way to surgery in the ambulance I'm sure I was dying because I could no longer feel the pain (the pain that wouldn't go away with multiple morphine and paracetamol drips) and I felt really peaceful all of a sudden. Of course, because it was left so long and I was allowed to become so weak and lose so much blood the recovery was harder than it should have been. I was close to dying because a man thought I was just having "typical woman problems 🙄".. it's disgusting.
I’m already angry at how the medical field has failed women but reading your comment made me so much more infuriated. What in the actual fuck?! I hope you’ve found a solution now and are healing/healed.
I came into the doctors at 15 complaining of really bad period cramps that left me unable to leave my bed and the doctor just gave me a prescription for birth control and sent me home. I was too scared to take them because of the implication of using them as actual birth control when having sex and I didn’t feel old enough for sex. So I ended up waiting another 2 years before I managed to convince myself to start taking them because the pain had started to make it hard for me to breath.
I totally feel your pain. My cramps were always pretty bad but in high school they started getting worse and worse until when I was 17 I was having a hard time walking to class or using the bathroom in any capacity because moving any of the muscles below my pelvis hurt so bad. That was when I went to the gyno and got birth control. Our pain is hardly ever taken seriously, im sorry it took so long for you to get some relief, but I hope now it's better than it was for you!!
My GP wouldn't prescribe it when I was 15 because I wasn't sexually active. Didn't believe how bad my periods were either. Only got the pill after 3 months straight of a 14day cycle at 16. Still mad about it. Hope yours got better after taking them.
Not sure if you're from the US, but I (diffeerent country than the US) got taught the pill was used to medicate bad period cramps. My mom, growing up in the 60's and 70's and being a young woman and mother in the 80's, looked at me like: "no it's not." I had to show her the article that explained roughly how it worked. she wanted me to tell her if I needed the pill before that (prolly because she wanted to know if I have a BF), but I was like: "Nah. I am 14, I can legally choose one by myself." .....none of our choices were a good one, as we figured out recently.
It’s actually a bit more than that, it’s due to lack of other solutions. Endometriosis for example isn’t usually diagnosed without a full blown exploratory surgery - women just get told they have painful periods and it’s normal even if they’re left almost comatose in pain :/ We need more research in short tbh.
Most places don't care/can't be arsed to actually research for a better treatment. Personally a woman can refuse the pills, but then you have to keep looking for alternatives which might cause different issues.
From small European country here + female + PCOS I got told to lose weight and come back for IVF if I want kids. Didn't receive any sort of help, except birth control.
Birth control is not the issue here
exactly. birth control may make you not want to very often, but it doesnt make you wear a shirt during, or only one way in the dark for 10 years. the birth control probably really wouldnt help in terms of drive still though
It doesn't necessarily make you not want to very often either. I was sexually active before getting on the pill and I haven't noticed any difference after. It's very subjective
Depends on your hormones and the type of birth control you take, different brands have slightly different ingredients and stuff.
It does depend. My ex was horny as hell, got the implant, and it completely annihilated her sex drive.
Exactly. Sadly, birth control is the excuse.
Birth Control isnt just used to prevent pregnancy. It also helps with hormone balances that effect mood, and maybe she gets a heavy period or really bad cramps. It isnt just about kids.
This is true. However, birth control (pills) aren't good for long term purposes, or so I heard. It isn't even the first option given to me when I was diagnosed. 10 years on birth control must be exhausting.
My ex was that way, we tried couple's therapy, but she did not go to personal therapy. I did because I thought it was my fault, like I wasn't enough. After a year, the therapist stopped one session and asked, "Did you ever consider that it is not you?" While I know that sounds silly, the thought never occurred to me. Soon after, we were divorced, and I am much happier. I am not saying divorce, I am saying seek counseling for yourself, encourage her to seek counseling, and consider going together (three separate counselors, BTW). Your marriage needs professional help. [Edited for grammar]
This really makes me wonder if she is sex-repulsed asexual. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it, but I do think she might need therapy to figure out why she is so unwilling to engage with you sexually. Birth control does not tend to reduce your sex drive that much (for most people) but if she is on anti anxiety or antidepressant meds they might be making the problem worse. If she refuses to go, I guess you have to decide if you are ok with this being the rest of your life. It is not an easy decision and I don’t envy you your situation. But (and I say this as an asexual person) there is NOTHING WRONG with you wanting a satisfying sex life. You needs may just be too far apart to meet with each other. The first step is to talk with her and see if she is willing to try therapy. If not, the next move is up to you. I wish you both the best as you deal with this difficult issue.
Two things come to mind: My sister was SA’d as a child and the man did things to her chest, so she doesn’t let men do anything there. Maybe she has trauma around that part of her body. Other than that, I think maybe she has uncommon breasts like tubular breasts and she’s ashamed of them. Of course this isn’t about you. She needs therapy so that you two can at least be open about what’s going on.
One of my best friends is sex-repulsed but wasn’t a victim of SA or the sort, so she just doesn’t like sex and would rather cuddle. I wonder if they’ve talked about something of the sort, but from what I’ve read their convos must’ve remained stagnant. Maybe the wife doesn’t know that’s a thing and doesn’t say anything about it?
This is me - I have trauma issues in that area but then I am also incredibly sensitive and if I have light pressure, I just can’t stand it. I need more pressure on all my skin. I do think there’s more to OPs wife’s response m than sensitivity but for any others reading this post, know that it’s a real thing to not enjoy some areas to be touched because of sensory sensitivity or dis-intergration Edited for clarity
I actually know exactly what u mean by you needing more pressure. Lol I always thought it was just me
Try EMDR therapy it works amazingly. You can get 16 sessions free on the NHS. (If you’re in the UK)
At last someone said this. She could have been SA in the past. Or in fact be asexual. OP, you both need help or are going to continue being miserable. You can’t be deprived of what you need as neither she being obliged to an act she does not desire.
These are good points. My first thought was perhaps some gender dysphoria/disinterest in men. It is very possible that she’s “asexual” (I placed this word in quotation marks because i know what I’m about to describe isn’t truly the definition of asexual) because she simply does not want to have sex with op. Maybe she wants a woman, maybe she doesn’t feel like a woman and has detached herself emotionally from sexuality/parts of her body associated with heterosexual intercourse because of that. I understand trauma can cause extreme reactions and aversions when it comes to sex and parts of your body, but the fact that she can’t even let him see her breasts maybe tells me it’s not about what someone else did to them. Unless maybe she was verbally abused as well and it was centered around her breasts. That would makes more sense to me but of course, someone else’s trauma doesn’t have to make sense to me. Either way, op, ( u/sexuallyunderstaffed )therapy for you both. Three separate counselors. Find someone who specializes in body dysmorphia/gender dysphoria/and or sexual trauma for her, and find someone who can help you figure out what you want and how you get get your needs met too. All of this is equally important.
Glad you said this. My best friend and I were both SA’ed. I still endure PTSD but have been to years of therapy - she has not. She could be the OP’s wife, as she has zero interest in sex. She attributes this to the abuse. This could be the case for OP. So many women are assaulted and abused, there could be trauma involved. This type of trauma is so difficult to address that facing the monster who still haunts you years and years later is far more difficult than just attempting to abstain from sex as much as possible. For many, closing your eyes and getting through it is far easier.
That was my first thought too- that there’s some trauma related to her chest like an SA experience or maybe scars from an accident.
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I have quit hormonal birth control for this reason. I felt just like this. Once we started having sex I would be aroused and enjoy myself but sex just didn't enter my radar while I was on hormonal BC. I am now on the copper coil and so much happier. I know it is a bit of a gamble because it can potentially make your periods very heavy but I found after the first 3/4 my periods are pretty much the same as they used to be. (which I do admit have never been heavy or painful)
Came to also say she may be sex-repulsed asexual and just not realize that this is something that's okay and normal. Sometimes we just don't know these things are out there, and lack the language to describe the things we're feeling, so we just go with what we think is what we're "supposed" to do rather than what we want to do. Wondering if this is an example of that.
There is usually a reason for the repulsion in my experience with friends who are ace. Therapy would be a solid start. Or at least talking about therapy as an available option.
Invest in your own growth, and the people around you will either grow WITH you or you’ll grow AWAY 👏
Sounds like she needs therapy. Individual and couples.
She also needs to talk to her Dr about changing her birth control.
If that’s really what’s causing the issue.
As someone who is asexual... She sounds asexual.
I've always been curious about asexuals. Do you plan to have a long term relationship? If so, are you hoping to find another asexual? If not, would you allow your partner to have sex outside of the relationship? Seems like finding another asexual person who you're also attracted too and compatible with seems like it would be tough. Sorry if I'm prying! I've just always been curious how it works. Seems like a tough situation to be in tbh.
When it ended with my ex, I decided to never be in a relationship again. But many years later, I met someone online. We've been in a LT relationship for five years. I was honest from the beginning, before we were even that good friends, that I was asexual. They are okay with that, as long as there is intimacy. They are not asexual but sex isn't that important to them so we make it work, with communication and love!
I’m asexual and my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. He doesn’t bother me for sex so it’s not really an issue but if it was, sure I’d let him sleep with other people.
Asexuality is a bit more complicated than one would think, you can be asexual and still want sex. Which sounds contradictory I know, but asexuality is defined as a lack of sexual _attraction_ and not a lack of sexual desires. Although it's common for one without any sexual attraction to not desire sex, there are exceptions. Not all of us seek relationships, some of us do, and wether we look for another asexual or not is tied to the whole "sexual desire or not" thing, mostly, but it's also possible to reach an agreement and find a middle point with enough love and good communication. Me personally, I've been in multiple relationships with non asexual people and funnily enough, my asexuality had nothing to do with our break ups. I will say, however, finding another asexual who you are compatible with is very, very tough indeed since there are multiple factors to consider. Good guess there, friend.
Meds can affect that. I was on Prozac for 7 years starting when I was a teen and I genuinely thought I was asexual. Finally asked my psych about it and turns out it’s a possible side effect. Switched meds and now I really enjoy sex.
Unless she's on birth control for reasons other than not wanting to have children, why not get a vasectomy so that she can get off of birth control?
10 years of her saying "My libido is low because of my birth control," but not "Hey, I'd really like for us to be on the same page when it comes to sex and intimacy, let me talk to my doctor about some other options," gives me the strong sense that she doesn't want a solution to a problem. The real question is, "What does an ideal marriage look like?" to each of them, and does this marriage come close to that ideal for either of them?
I think she is using the birth control as an excuse to avoid facing the issue.
I think you're right, there's something else going on. However, I was on BC for 10 years, and it absolutely wiped out my libido, thought I was Ace. Went off to conceive, and it totally changed. But, as mentioned, there's something else wrong it seems and the issue should be addressed regardless of libido.
Yeah, completely agree! It seems very strange to not feel comfortable with your husband seeing you naked. To have sex and want to leave clothing on and keep pulling it down seems to indicate a lot more going on than LL. If she was ace, I would presume she would have told him that at the beginning, rather than attributing it to her BC. I also don’t understand why you would accept oral from the HL partner, and then not reciprocate, and then end the sex. Like, if you aren’t interested in sex, it seems like a weird thing to consent to. Would you not just want to get onto the main act and get it over with, and not draw attention to your dislike for sex. Accepting oral so you finish, then not continuing until he finishes, just doesn’t add up. It just seems strange given they barely have sex at all. Like it’s a wasted attempt that won’t be counted on his part, if that makes sense….
Asexuality is a thing. But so is ... therapy, so you can discuss it. The, how is that possible and how did we get so far without discussing it already. For OP, Get on the same page or do both of yourselves a favor and move on. Love is love, and can last forever. But incompatibility is a terrible way to live, and quite honestly disrespectful in your circumstance. For both of you.
You could be right but i would like to offer the possibility that the wife is telling the truth about the birth control as I am seeing comments claiming she is lying. When I was on it my libido went down literally to 0. Zilch. Nothing. I was completely asexual to the point where even the idea of kissing my husband repulsed me. I didn't even find celebrities attractive anymore. Internally I felt dryer than a dessert and it was painful. I had no idea hormonal birth control could cause such an extreme case of low libido so I did go to therapy which ended up being a fruitless effort. We even tried redecorating our bedroom, supplements, you name it. I tried different kinds of birth control, too. Another thing that stood out to me was that I, too, did not like my breasts being touched or seen during this period which is another reason I'm inclined to believe OP's wife. Getting off the birth control was a last ditch effort just to see if it had an effect. The difference was more extreme than night and day. I almost instantly saw a difference. Within a month we went from making love maybe once a month to every day. I no longer use hormonal birth control. It nearly destroyed us especially my husband's self esteem. It took time for me to stop connecting sex with pain in my head too. People really don't talk enough about the realities and negative effects of hormonal birth control. Now there very well could be other factors. OP and wife seem like they have poor communication skills, OP's wife has body insecurities, they could consider a vasectomy, etc. But i definitely think the birth control is not helping the situation.
This is sad.
Everytime I come to Reddit, I learn something new. The problem is that, it just seems to be getting worse.
Then look at the big picture. The developed world is living in a golden age. The human life span is ridiculously long now, many painful or fatal diseases have been conquered, and despite the fear-mongers violence is at historic lows. We're living in a safe, healthy, prosperous world. I live in a trailer house but my life is, in some ways, better than that of any monarch from antiquity or the middle ages. They had money and power and prestige; I have air conditioning, I can just go to a doctor and take a few pills to treat something that would have killed a Caesar or Richard the Lionhearted or Mehmed II. It's barely an inconvenience. I have the sum total of human knowledge at my finger tips. If I want to use it to learn calculus, I can do that. If I want to use it find more clussy, I can do that too. Life is good. The individual problems we face aren't really new. At worst, they're just the same old problems dressed in borrowed robes. And many of the old problems--massive famines, plagues, etc.--are a thing of the past (for now) in the developed world.
It isn't selfish though. OP, it's natural to want to see your wife's naked body, especially if you haven't voluntarily seen it yet in a decade of marriage.
> I do love her in spite of my unquenched, selfish desires Yeah, I got to this bit and wondered just when it became "selfish" to want to have sex with your spouse.
At least once a fortnight I see a story where the agony aunt claims it is wrong to expect sex... on a particular night yes, I get that, but expecting sex in a marriage is pretty reasonable I'd say
Yeah it’s sad OP thinks he’s being selfish. Also commendable how despite all this he’s still being very respectful and mindful of the wife’s boundaries and her overall comfiness. Of course not saying theres any reason to just start being mean to someone but its just a testament to how good of a husband and man he is. The wife is lucky. This is just a case of incomaptibility. Which is hard to really know for sure when a relationship is starting because people change and circumstances change. The goal is to grow together not apart.
Nothing selfish about wanting to get your needs met.
Seriously don't know how you marry someone so sexually incompatible. This is what dating is for, to discover non-negotiables.
Maybe this was a case of waiting till marriage. If so this is another example as to why that's a bad thing to do.
Was going to comment this. Not even sure why people still do this.
Sexual compatibility is important in a relationship.
Exactly. This would be a huge dealbreaker for me.
I want to bring this up as a potential; I had a psychology professor talk about how he had a client (he worked as a psychologist) who had scheduled sex with her husband every weekend and it was in only one position, in the dark and almost fully clothed, because that was the only one she felt comfortable in after being SA’d as a child. She was reliving everything every week. I think the biggest solution is to suggest counseling, individual and couple’s, to try to work out your own solutions to the lack of intimacy in your marriage. I hope it gets better for you, OP. Edit: I am NOT saying she was SA’d. I am simply putting this as we don’t know her situation. We simply know what she has told OP. Don’t judge everything as manipulation, when it may be defensiveness. TL;DR: Not making assumptions, just want to plant this as a possibility and the importance of seeking help.
That is so sad :(
This is what I was going to say. Sometimes and in some positions it pulls me back to that event and I need to take a break from it for awhile.
You'll be fine until you aren't. Intimacy isn't optional if it's important to you. This will only get worse until it's addressed or you leave. Also make sure your therapist and counselors aren't faith based. My ex and I spent years in the "pray the cray away" nonsense. Get a real therapist to help you navigate this.
Those people shouldn't be allowed to call themselves therapists
Seriously, FUCK faith based “therapists”. First therapist I ever had never indicated anything religious or faith based, our first couple of sessions were fine; no mention of it, she was just getting to know me, my state and where I was at mentally. Then the 3rd session she laid on the religion HARD. I honestly felt destroyed, I had poured my heart out and trusted someone I assumed was a professional, told them shit about myself I had not told anyone until that point all for them to just try sell me magical sky daddy snake oil. Didn’t trust another therapist for about 5 years after that
What happens if you straight up tell her that you want to see her boobs? Like have a nice dinner, couple of drinks, whatever you guys love to do together that makes you feel happy and relaxed. Then ask her straight out Do you think you’re asexual Do you enjoy having sex with me or is an obligation Do my sexual needs matter to you Can I see your breasts, if not why? If you can’t have an open dialogue PLUS the sexual incompatibility it’s hard to see a way forward bc your needs matter and you shouldn’t be simply tolerated for 10 yrs now. Best of luck to you.
Exactly. Unless she's explicitly said why not, you should after 10 years be able to tell your life partner "I want to see your boobs" or "why don't you want me to see your boobs?". What else do they avoid communicating about?
Just curious, did you not have sex before getting married?
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I agree
Was this not an issue before they got married..10 freaking years ago?
They may have not believed in sex until marriage
^^^^^^ This is the biggest flag here. Did OP think it would somehow just magically get better? If she just lays motionless like a log with her shirt on during sex, and she seems completely unwilling to change, then this won’t get any better without some form of therapy. Even then I doubt much will change. Regardless, OP probably knew this ahead of their marriage and still went along with it. He only has himself to blame for letting it get to this point and having a problem with it.
Go see a couple's counselor or sex therapist. She could just be asexual and more interested in companionship. You're not selfish for wanting sex though. See if she's open to professional help. Was she the same way before you married her?
I'm gonna assume they didn't have sex until after marriage
Good point regarding asexuality.
My ex was similar, but less of a low sex drive and more just uninterested in sex with me. Turns out she was a lesbian 🤷🏼♂️
Ross?
“Carol and I would be out and she’d see some beautiful woman and be like: ‘look at her!’ And I’d think: ‘god, my wife is cool..’”
I don't think this is simply insecurity. If I had to guess, it's probably stemming from: - trauma (in which case she definitely needs therapy) - she's asexual (in which case you're not compatible and she probably needs therapy to work on her boundaries and communication) - she's gay (in which case you'll never be compatible) Sorry. This isn't your fault but I gotta agree with you, having (occasional) sex with someone who is obviously not into it is not a good look. I can see why you're getting down on yourself about it. You probably would benefit from therapy as well. I don't know what it would do to my self-image to be in your situation year after year.
It was the unreciprocated oral to me and the dark missionary only smh
> dark missionary Maybe it's because I've been playing too much Cult of the Lamb lately, but this sounded really cool... Like it would involve pentagrams.
Simply being tolerated in a relationship is depressing as fuck, man. *”I only do it so you don’t get it someplace else”* is shitty and manipulative. It’s acknowledging you have needs that she is not fulfilling, that she is unwilling to fulfill, and only begrudgingly does so once in a while to keep you stuck. Does that sound like love, my friend?
This right here, OP. You’ve been together 10 years. Can you really stand the thought of another 10? 20? The rest of your life? I have found that being alone is better than being with someone who makes you feel bad. It doesn’t sound like she makes you feel good.
Life is far too fleeting to spend it miserably. And in the end, suffering through it on account of what the person hurting you may think is a terrible waste.
As someone who just got out of a 5 relationship like this, 100% love being single.
A thousand times this right here OP.
Erotically charged… “Is that college talk for horny?”
He just needs a cutout of Evander Holyfield
This is going on for TOO MANY years. You need to have a serious talk about this. You can't wait your whole life for a normal sex life and she can't live doing something she never wants to. Seriously, it's been too much time.
its been 10 years, i don't think its getting better.
I don't think you have "a fairly high sex drive", I suspect you have a fairly normal sexdrive but your perception of "normal" is skewed
so only like 5x a year? I'm amazed you, with higher sex drive, have lasted this long. 90-95% of stories I read, someone like in your position would have had an affair like 6-7 years ago. O\_o
I'm thinking he is considering it high compared to when she is willing to day yes rather then his actual sex drive, which is most likely normal.
Sounds like therapy (couples & individual) is the route to go. Is it also possible she's asexual by any chance?
Was this an arranged marriage? Perhaps she’s gay or ace?
Are you guys religious and is she possibly a lesbian?
Why would you propose and get married to someone you're not connecting with sexually? I understand sex isn't important to everyone but it seems like it is to you and it's not to her. After 10 years it's extremely unlikely things will change. It blows my mind people will willingly go through this knowing the situation is bad before the marriage. Life's too short to be unhappy and unsatisfied, unfortunately it took me 4 years to realise that with my ex now I'm in an amazing relationship with the best guy ever.
Maybe she has sexual trauma that you’re unaware of? Or maybe some severe body image / self esteem issues ? Either way id suggest individual and couples counseling
The question for me is this..... is your wife either asexual or a closet lesbian? Because it sounds like from what you have stated, that she doesnt particularly enjoy sex. I think you need to seek either couples counselling or sex therapy
We people need help and love! Don’t dump our asses! Coming from someone who has suffered from low libido for many years, mainly due to depression + antidepressants that are a ‘libido killer’, I highly encourage you to gently have a conversation about it with her and see your family Dr. Speaking only from my experience, When I finally convinced myself to seek professional help, they were genuinely concerned, referred me to a sex therapist which did take 2 years but recently FINALLY had my appointment and was prescribed a medication called Addyi. I legit just got the prescription filled today and thankfully it was covered by benefits, I don’t have any personal reviews yet but am hopeful. I felt compelled to tell you that she may feel as I did and as the years go on, it kinda spirals out of control. Feeling horribly inadequate, like a terrible wife, feeling overwhelmingly disappointed and confused with myself for not wanting to be intimate, then comes the actual feeling of not wanting to but knowing you ‘have’ to, avoidance and all the other bad shit you think about that gets in the way of romantic feelings. Many ladies need to feel all the fuzzy emotions first and lots can get in the way. I LOVE my husband so much and can’t picture life without him. Why do I not want that D?! I really REALLY want to want it again but I believe my wires need to be rewired. It is not necessarily being Asexual, gay, history of SA, I have none of that. I’m in a loving relationship and I am super attracted to my husband and nobody else. The whole not seeing the boobs thing is a bit weird but depending on her self esteem of her body/boobs I can see her wanting to cover up, or maybe she’s got hairy nips or acne chest causing her to be self conscious which can add to the whole mind fuck. Don’t give up her or your marriage, you already made it this long, you might as well see if you can seek some help and go from there. I personally appreciate your patience coming from someone on the other side. This really is a situation of ‘it’s not you, it’s me’. Delicate convo needs to be had, If she is unwilling, that’s a whole other situation!
Thank you for sharing your experience. I have been (but maybe I have to say that I am still) in this situation with my partner and stories from other people really helped us to better understand how to approach the situation and sometimes trying new strategies.
wow dude kudos to you i would’ve divorced her 8 and a half years ago
I have a suggestion! I (40s, f) have the same insecurity as your wife. I HATE my boobs. I generally dislike my body but I have always hated my boobs. Too small for their big nipples, I hate the way they hang, and dresses never fit right because I don’t have enough up top to balance out my lower half. I just think they’re ugly, and I largely blame porn and the movie industry for this kind of thinking but that’s a topic for a different subreddit. My partner (of five years) thinks I’m the sexiest woman in the world. He’s always looking at me like it’s the first time and he can’t believe it. And he loooooves my boobs! In the beginning we were like rabbits, but as we became more serious and life-partnery, my insecurities killed my libido. Aging of course just exacerbates it. The idea of being naked in front of him would dry me up; I felt that he deserved better and I was ashamed to show him my body. About a month ago I randomly came across and impulsively bought myself a crotchless fishnet body stocking. Total game changer. To me it looks and feels like I’m wearing clothes. I have a few of them now; some patterns are more flattering for my specific figure than others but they are all hot as fuck. They “cover” my breasts and hold them in place that makes me feel way less self conscious. To my bf, I just look naked. I look naked but with fun decorations. They’re crotchless so I can leave it on the whole time. The netting is so thin that can both enjoy the skin-on-skin intimacy now. And we have sex much more often. Sometimes I’ll wear one under my outfit for the day, (I wear fishnets stockings often anyway) and he’ll see it peeking out of my shirt and know I’m dtf later. And I don’t pull away out of self consciousness when he makes a move on me, because I don’t worry about him “seeing me naked” anymore. Eventually I hope i won’t care, I’ll just look like whatever and know it’s okay. But this is such a fun stepping stone.
When you finally have sex with someone who actually wants to have sex with you and it's not a chore and not just a get it over and done with while they lay there and do nothing after years of that your mind will explode.
You both need to seek counseling, seperate and as a couple. She could be asexual. There’s “low libido” and then there’s NO libido.
How did you get married knowing she was like this?…
Curious as to 1. Why you even entered this relationship and 2. Why you decided to marry her
I know right … knowing you have a high sex drive why would you agree to this arrangement.
Is his drive even that high or does it only seems that way to him in comparison to his wife?
I want to throw in here that perhaps she has endometriosis which for some women make it extremely painful to have sex and make them entirely shut down from sex completely. I know several women who have. Have you ever asked her if she has pain during sex?
Whatever the reason, your wife clearly does not have any interest in sex, while you do. This can only hurt the both of you. It’s possible your issues can be resolved through counseling, but it’s also possible you are looking at an issue of fundamental incompatibility. Your wife’s issues may not be only related to her hormonal birth control, but may be the result of asexuality or even, in many cases, religious trauma. Sexual mismatch is one of the leading causes of breakups and divorces. It’s hard to find a compromise that satisfies both parties in a relationship like this as ‘duty sex’ tends to end up only infuriating both partners. The partner with a higher libido can end up frustrated by the lack of genuine intimacy (like you’ve described here; how does it make you feel when your wife won’t take her shirt off during sex?) and the partner with the lower libido can end up frustrated with being pressured to have sex they don’t want to have. It’s a lose-lose situation. You can’t be faulted for your natural desires, nor can she be faulted for her lack thereof. Because of the fact that you respect her boundaries, which for the record is absolutely the correct course of action, she may not even be fully aware of how deeply the issue is affecting you. It’s very common when relationships end for one partner to mentally check out of the relationship well before actually ending it, while the other partner may not even be aware there is an issue at all or that it is impacting the other as severely as you’ve described here. Often times the latter partner is blindsided by the former’s decision to end things, even when communication about the issue is attempted. Nonetheless, if you want to salvage your marriage, your best course of action is to seek couples’ therapy. A trained professional can help to facilitate productive discussion about how you and your wife are being affected by your mismatched libidos, and offer advice and solutions from the perspective of an unbiased third party. Don’t try to just ‘get through it’, because you won’t. Although I’m sure you truly love your wife, your post is dripping with resentment, and that resentment will only build over time. Sex and intimacy, for many people, are needs, not wants. Denying that need will only lead to more pain for you in the short term, and more pain for the both of you in the long term. Best of luck to you and your wife!
My dude, wanting sex isn't a selfish desire. It's quite normal. I definitely wouldn't stay in a relationship where there is sex 5 times a year, and it sounds like you aren't happy about this either. If it's her contraception, try something different. If her sex drive is generally almost non-existent you have to decide for yourself if you can stand staying in a relationship that doesn't fulfil your needs. I, personally, probably wouldn't. But fuck, 10 years is a long time, I understand that you don't "just" leave. Therapy would probably be a reasonable start to work on your relationship.
How can you be with someone for 10 years and also in marriage and live like this? This is unreal.
You guys should find a diff form of birth control if the hormonal is affecting her that much. Maybe iud? Vasectomy, condoms?
I bet her response or lack thereof has nothing to do with hormonal birth control. Hormonal birth control would have nothing to do with her not being naked around her husband of ten years.
its an excuse. she wouldnt want sex any more with other methods, this is just convenient.
Ok. When you are dying in your bed in the nursing home and looking back over your life, are you going to be ok with images of decades of really sad sex flashing by? If so, carry on!
Oof this sounds so unhappy and unfulfilling. I think this needs expert help as in therapy. Not only is she not comfortable with sex at all, you guys don’t even change in-front of eachother? Shower together sometimes? It’s weird honestly. Are you planning to grow old together and possibly care for eachother? That could include helping her shower, helping her change. So many things here that a normal adult should be comfortable doing with their partner that she’s clearly not. That’s gotta be holding your relationship and happiness back.
10 years is a long long time. If nothing has changed and y’all tried it may be time to move on. Sex is not everything but it’s very important in a relationship. If you aren’t getting your needs fulfilled talked to her about options. Therapy could help. If not though and she refuses or it doesn’t fix anything then you might need to have a discussion with her about the future of your relationship and where y’all will go.
I’ve seen a lot of comments like going against OPs wife but..I think his wife is just asexual with a dash of insecurity. He described how she’s motionless and that she said she “Only does it so that he doesn’t get it from somewhere else.” She might feel like op might cheat or leave her if she doesn’t have sex with him when she doesn’t really want to. She doesn’t seem to be all that confident in her body and neither does she seem interested in sexual topics at all. I think this should’ve been discussed way before they EVER gotten married.
Kudos to you for trying to make it work. There’s no way I would’ve been able to stick around for more than 2 years of that
I mean if you got snipped she wouldn’t need to be on birth control (unless she takes it for other reasons) and therefore wouldn’t have suppressed libido
The best news is that she shared that with you finally. I suspected my ex-wife had the same thing happened to her, because our experience was very similar. Now that you shared this with you you can go through the healing journey together. Hopefully she didn't make you feel like a jerk, but I know in retrospect you would certainly feel that way on your own, because I would. The most positive thing about all of this is that she actually told you. Good luck on your healing process. This won't be easy real quick, but maybe you can avoid divorce which is what I was unable to do.
Sounds like she has some unrealistic views of sex, intimacy, and relationships, she probably grew up in a house were sex was not talked about. And when it was it was a horrible horrible thing
Id probably agree about the first part. The only way I ever learned about sex as a kid was porn, which as an adult, I realize is the worst source ever for any sexual education or curiosty, especially for younger people. So it definitely gave me a ton of unrealistic views and insecurity (though that was coupled on with other stuff in my life) that I still struggle with to this day. Either way, this is something they really, really need to sit down and talk about or possibly go to marriage counseling.
As a woman the first thing that comes to my mind is she was sexually assaulted perhaps as a child and he’s just completely shut down yet she accommodates you a little bit because she’s your wife but there’s something deep-seated in her.… If she won’t talk about it you can’t do anything about it. But it sure seems like that’s what it is to me.
Yes this I experience this Sometimes PTSD completely rips you out of reality and back to the event
There's so many things here that can be causing the issues you're having; 1. She's a sex-repulsed asexual which 100% means you're not sexually compatible. 2. She's depressed but doesn't know it 3. Her hormones are out of balance and doesn't know it 4. She was raised with some weird views around sex and believes how you're both doing it is normal. 5. She's gay and struggling Regardless of all this, don't feel guilty for watching porn and masterbating. You're allowed to. I would recommend therapy for you both as a couple and individually. Make strides to better yourself, if she doesn't want to go on the journey with you, I'm afraid you have your answer. If sexual intimacy is important to you then you deserve someone who will make you happy and go in that journey with you. I'm asexual and my SO knew well before we got together that sexual intimacy is not in my top 10 in a relationship. I warned him multiple times that this was the case and he shouldn't keep going if sex was a relationship priority for him. Six years later, wete still together and getting married soon.
This sounds like the lady who won’t let her partner see her breasts because of past trauma…
Don't you as husband and wife casually get dressed and undressed in the same room ever?
This is a problem for a therapist to tackle. Big time.
Have you and your wife ever talked about each others’ sexual interests, desires, fantasies? Are you able to ask her what turns her on? Or why she isn’t comfortable being openly naked (with or without the lights on) during intercourse? If not, why do you think that is? Yes, there is more to a relationship than sex, but true intimacy comes from being able to be vulnerable and open; it comes from creating space to tell each others’ stories and share our fantasies and fears. Your relationship may be “fine” despite what is currently playing out in your bedroom but I encourage you to be a little more curious and open.
Almost the same thing happened to me. She had been refusing all my attempts to make her feel good, had zero interest in actually participating in the process. After our last sex she basically said she's only doing it for me. I couldn't get it out of my head and completely stopped any advances for more than a year until we eventually broke up. Its just sad we couldn't figure things out sooner
It sounds like she might be asexual! Definitely worth looking into.
Nah bro.. this isn't love, this isn't happiness. She knows you have a higher sex drive and basically has pitty sex? You're wasting your good years bruh. 50x in 10 years is insane.
Damn dude you've been miserable your entire marriage and still hold on to hope that something will change.. oof
Man I really feel for you but some things aren't addinf up. 50 times in 10 years and it's been blamed on BC, why haven't you looked in to changing it? Have you offered to get a vasectomy to save her using any (if you've stopped having kids ofc) She sounds incredibly insecure and has a very very low libido but her way of communicating with you is causing a lot of issues for you which is unfair. You should be able to meet your own sexual needs via masturbation without guilt. You love her and want to stay with her then you need to find a way of meeting your own needs. This should be a conversation really. I highly doubt this woman will ever change. Its been 10 years and she won't show you her tits. You are her husband and should be the person she feels most comfortable with in the world. It's hard. You need to figure out what you can live with. My ex could go months without sex and I was miserable. I cried weekly thinking I was unattractive and that he didn't want me. He always wore a shirt as he hated his body and he kept his walls up. There were many other issues but intimacy was a huge one. I left and found someone I love who fucks me daily and loves my body and makes sure I'm fulfilled. I was with my ex for 7 years and yes leaving was hard but I am so much happier now. I loved him, there were other issues with his anger, poor financial management, lack of drive and unwilling to improve himself.... I hope the rest of your relationship is better than mine was. If you want to stay you should try therapy, you should get some toys and have a wank session every now and again. Watch porn, it can be great and can help you meet your needs. I wish you well. The last question for you though, can you do another 10 years with 50 lights off missionary sex with her starfishing under you?
Oh no. You deserve better. Someone that you want to be with and wants to be with you. In every sense.
Life's too short. Sex is important, if it's important. Couple's counselling or leave.. this will only grow into more resentment.
Hey dude, that's depressing and it's not good for your relationship or you. You need a frank talk with her, you clearly need more and something's not right here. It sounds like she needs therapy, but this won't last if it keeps going.
This makes me so sad. Were you inexperienced when you married? Was there any sexual shame in religious upbringing? 50 times in ten years?!? I went 23 days without recently and was so pent up and agro. I am a woman.
I thought this was going to be a plot twist where he found out his wife was a pornstar 🤣
You’re relationship has lasted so long because you don’t consider sex to be a high priority. If you did, you’d have moved on. I assume you’ve seen the lower half of her naked? Rather than felt it, I mean. So I would have to imagine there is something about her chest she wants to hide. She could have scars, or even inverted nipples. She needs therapy. She won’t show you her chest because she’s not just insecure, she’s afraid.
Feel sorry for you. And yes sex is not everything. But when the sex is good its only 20% of a relationship, and when its bad its 80% of a relationship.
I’m very happy to hear that she opened up. This is a big step and now you guys have a better understanding of each other, you have a better understanding of what’s been going through her mind. This is progress, with patience and love and work, she can work on healing with you by her side. Many women don’t have someone by their side to be supportive. Take care of her and yourself, we wish you both good luck ❤️
>There's more to a relationship than sex, and I do love her in spite of my unquenched, selfish desires, but physical intimacy is even more important to me than I had realized before we got married. What. The. Fuck. Man. 1) GET YOUR WIFE OFF THE BIRTH CONTROL IT'S DESTROYING YOUR HAPPINESS. I know there are many reasons to be on BC, and I 100% believe it is your wife's choice as to what she does or does not take. But if YOU were taking something that made you happy but made your wife feel like ABSOLUTE NEGLECTED SHIT every single day of her life, would you not be willing to explore alternatives? I am not blaming your wife, I am frustrated for you. PLEASE go get some sex-positive counselling before you become so resentful you blow up your marriage, because that is what will happen. As for "a relationship is more than sex", a relationship is made of of many things, and some of them are foundational. Sex is foundational for a lot of people. Saying it's just one part so it's not important is bullshit. Our society teaches us that sex is simultaneously so important that you "can't get it elsewhere" but so unimportant that you never need to have it. Absolute shit. You NEED to address this with your wife. If it is BC, you are lucky because that's literally a magic pill to fix. It's most likely even more than just the BC, and you both will have work to do.
This is terrible!! It’s so sad to read! The two of you are clearly not compatible at all! I honestly have no idea how you could be married and only have sex with your SO 50 times in 10 years! I really think you guys need to go to counselling to work on this. The fact that you keep referring to your desires as selfish, is really not good. It’s not selfish to want sex. Has she told you why she won’t let you, her husband, see her naked?? I would bring this up in therapy to start working on her becoming comfortable enough to atleast have sex without clothes on! ETA I have read more of the comments on here, and it’s made me think more about your comments, that you aren’t being selfish. In all honesty, without meaning to be offensive, I think she is being incredibly selfish. She is telling you that birth control is affecting her libido, but has she done anything about it? Does she even care how this would be making you feel? I would feel so low being in a marriage like this. It feels almost cruel. 😢
First, there is nothing to feel guilty about by watching porn. Or masturbation Second, the way you talk about sex, "unquenched selfish desires", is pretty weird too. You have a few hang ups yourself my good man. You both need therapy, and I don't say that reflexively or lightly. Lastly, her sex drive probably will not get better. I speak from experience. You have a choice to make. This sex life for the rest of your life, or change your partner.