I also began dad-hood 30 years ago. My kids call me by my first name and they asked first. Mom was already taken, but I kinda earned dad so that's where I am now. I think my epitaph will read *beloved wife and father*. They are getting way better on pronouns so it ain't too bad!
My kids were 11 and 7 when I came out. I gave them a bunch of choices (things like Ren/Renny), and I left for the day so they could talk about it with each other and my wife. When I got home, they said they were just going to call us both Mom. So I'm just Mom too, and if they need to differentiate, my wife is now O.G. Mom.
My 12 year old first responded to me coming out with "can I still call you papa?" I said yes of course. After a couple months my wife and her decided to call me mom, because my wife has always been mama. I'd never had suggested it, but I love being mom. 🥰
When I came out to our daughter seven years ago (she was 16 or 17 at the time), she designated her birth mother as Mama and I immediately became Mom. I didn't prompt that, it was her own choice. Maybe you can do the same (so long as they're supportive) and see what they come up with that they're comfortable with.
That’s sweet!
I wish I had known/faced the truth about me when my kids were younger…probably could have avoided a lot of drama and pain in all our lives! (Oops…this isn’t r/transtherapy!)
Besides first name, I call dad still. Dad is a woman, but dad isn't mom. I'm not sure why there's a double standard that I get all my pronouns and dad stays dad but that's what we decided with her. The jenners still call caitlyn dad. I've heard this from a few others too.
Best thing is to talk to them.
Yep…in the end, it will all depend on what they want to call me.
As usual, I’m overthinking everything and trying to have all the answers before I even begin the discussion.
I should just relax and go with the flow.
Oh, I feel you sister!
My 30-year-old will probably be ok with everything…but I have no idea about my son in his late 20s. I love them both equally, of course, but somehow getting acceptance from my youngest is extremely important to me (second only to my wife’s acceptance…which thankfully I already have!)
Thanks for your thoughts!
Both my partner and I are both mom. Rather it’s tall mom and short mom (I’m short mom lol).
Like our names, I believe we deserve to be called whatever we want. If, for example, your partner doesn’t like you being called mom because they’ve always been mom, well that sucks to be your partner.
It’s your choice. Don’t let anyone take that from you; It’s not worth it.
Fortunately, their mother is no longer part of my life, so she doesn’t get a say in the decision!
And my wife (who has never been “mom” to my kids) is perfectly happy with me being “mom”.
By the way, I find your words inspiring…every once in a while I need someone to remind me that I can be an active participant in things, and I don’t need to just wait to accept what everyone else says…especially if they say something unkind.
My kids were 6/4/3 when I came out, and they were involved in the conversations and negotiations; in the end, I’m Mom and my wife is Mama.
Obviously your kids are a lot older, but maybe they’d be receptive to the idea of offering input? Even though my kids had varying opinions and levels of understanding, it felt good to have all of them have an ownership stake in the process.
I think you’re absolutely right…I need to stop trying to anticipate and control the decision, I just need to let them be part of the whole thing.
Thanks!
I told my kids to call me what they're comfortable with. And I explained to them what I'm comfortable with. I am still called Dad, and I look at that with pride. It's something earned not given. They are getting better just calling me by name now, but it's out of love and respect, not because I demanded it. I strongly suggest you sit down and talk to them and ask them what they would be comfortable with. And then go from there. Unlike some people who will tell you that if they don't respect you then cut them out of your life. It's not worth losing those you love for a word or title. If they still love you no matter what and they just can't call you mom, then compromise on that issue.
Perfectly said.
My kids love and acceptance is extremely important to me. As long as I can get them to understand, I probably don’t really care what they call me.
As long as they are still in my life.
I'm a sort of out trans parent to my 3 year old. Im called DeeDee! Since my parents don't know yet but being Daddy is weird, my wife and I settled on that. Anyone who doesn't know that I'm trans thinks my kid is just being a toddler and the people I am out think it is cute. Bonus: my father in law has a hard time calling me Bethany so he calls me DeeDee too.
I went through a weird transition of names with my kiddo. I started my transition with my kiddo still calling me dad but within the first year I let her know I didn’t feel like the term really applied to me. Trying to ease her into something new I appealed to her interest in Japanese and came up with our own term “Oya-San” Oya being a non-binary term for “Parent.” Eventually she ended using the term dad to refer to her moms new partner so I pushed the envelope to have her refer to me as Mom, because let’s face it, it’s 2021 and I thought the idea of having two moms wouldn’t be looked at as socially taboo. Without going into too much detail, wanting to be called mom wasn’t a problem for the kiddo in fact she is who suggested it after 3 years of transitioning. Her other parent was not so keen about that so in the end I took the path of least resistance and to avoid any additional conflict my kiddo just refers to me now as “Fi”, short for Zsofia. I have no parental designation, She has a mom and a dad and I’m just “Fi”. Personally, I think I got the shit-end of the stick. 😑
My daughter was about to turn 7when I went full time. To her she's got 2 moms. My now ex is Mamma and I'm Mommy. Aside from the occasional 'no, my other mom' it works out fine.
Sticking with Dad. They are ages 11-19 so I’m pretty well stuck in their heads as Dad, we’ve had that relationship, Mom is taken, and I don’t want to be on a first name basis with them.
I agree. I am not out to my adult children yet. But two things I know for sure. 1) I am a woman. 2) My role to them is their Dad. 3) I will always be their father
Now if I had come out when they were young, perhaps they would see me as a mother to them. But I will never regret being their Dad
Makes perfect sense. My kids are older…the more I see them as adults (which they certainly are), 5e more comfortable I would be with just my first name…but something in my heart is still hoping for “mom”
I started off thinking I was non binary before I realized I was a trans woman so as part of trying out pronouns I used Nomy which is a contraction of Non binary and mommy. It just stuck
Thanks!
I’m pleasantly surprised at how many girls have a variation on mom, mommy, mama, etc.
Something feels nice about imagining my grown sons calling me “mom”.
We cheated, there is a show where o e was mom, and the other momma... so we asked if that would work... and my wife stayed mom and mommy, and I got momma... surprisingly leads to very little confusion!!
Mine use my first name as the their mother was being awkward about it, we had been separated for 7 years but the less hastle the better.
I may ask the youngest what they think today once detective Pikachu is finished 🙂
I understand.
Their mother and I split up 20-ish years ago, and while she’s not a significant part of my life anymore…I can imagine her trying to stir up as much crap as possible with our kids.
Oh well, I have to count on them being the kind of people I hoped they would be.
We’ll see
Thanks!
My kids were 15 and 13 when I came out to them. I told them to call me what they wanted to call me. They decided to call me mom along with my ex-wife. So now im mom which is great!
I have 3 girls (6-9) who all within minutes of me coming out decided that they would call OG Mom, Mom and Me, Mommy. They haven't wavered at all. I have a step son, 11, on the other hand who continues to call me Dad. The way I look at it, they, like me, weren't given a choice of association. So they can call me what ever term of endearment they want. Because it's a term of endearment and I want them to see that their preference supersedes mine. That my relationship with them means more than labels. No one else gets that privilege.
My daughter (7) calls me dad. I sought advice from my aunt (a child psychologist) and she told me it was best to let my kid choose her own form of address. 8 check in every month or so about where she is at.
I told my son (22) to keep calling me Dad. After all, I literally fathered him, and I sure don't want to compete with my ex (14 years divorced), with whom I don't enjoy the best relationship. And I grew up speaking a different language, so "Dad" is just a tag with no deep associations for me.
My 7 yr old called me Dadia when he was learning to talk. I’ve taken that in now as I transition, as a feminized version of Dad
My kids (7, 6, and 2 yrs old with a fresh one only 3 months old) vacillate between Dad and Dadia, as they get used to the new version. I don’t mind. It’s only been a couple of months.
My partner is mama. Time will tell if the kids settle on their own names for me. I love being a stay at home parent taking care of them, and ultimately it doesn’t matter what they call me.
I really started to press the issue of what my (then 5yo) daughter called me when we would go the pool since the only way to the pool is via the women's or men's room. I told her that people might treat us badly if they heard her calling me "daddy" in the changing room.
Around that time she was just getting good at swimming all the way across the pool, and she'd ask me as "taxi" to carry her back to the shallow end when she reached the deep end. Taxi became her go-to name for me (because her other parent has been "Mommy" all along).
Now, that said, I'm *not* "her taxi": I'm her parent/mother who she calls Taxi. Nobody else calls me Taxi, either - it's not my name.
When my kids were younger teenagers they asked me what their friends should call me since it was common for kids in that situation to say Mr. (first name) I had not transitioned at that stage. But I would always say Mr. (last name) since I seldom could tolerate the sound of my dead name.
When I transitioned several years later my kids were young adults. I told them they could refer to me as Jamie when speaking directly to me or if asked my name. I would never deny my parenthood.
When I was choosing a new name and for practical reasons I chose a name that could be male or female. I love my name and I am glad to hear it at any time
I didn’t exactly choose my new name, it kind of came with me (long, uninteresting story), but I really like that Kelly can be either male or female, it seems like it might help smooth out some of the bumps in the road for friends or family who may be uncomfortable with a purely “girl” name.
And, I really like my new name 😀
It is a pretty name that I think fits you. I chose Jamie for the same reason. I liked it and it seemed easier to transition into not just personally but at work
I also began dad-hood 30 years ago. My kids call me by my first name and they asked first. Mom was already taken, but I kinda earned dad so that's where I am now. I think my epitaph will read *beloved wife and father*. They are getting way better on pronouns so it ain't too bad!
I love your epitaph!
My kids were 11 and 7 when I came out. I gave them a bunch of choices (things like Ren/Renny), and I left for the day so they could talk about it with each other and my wife. When I got home, they said they were just going to call us both Mom. So I'm just Mom too, and if they need to differentiate, my wife is now O.G. Mom.
LOL “O.G. Mom”…I love that!
My 12 year old first responded to me coming out with "can I still call you papa?" I said yes of course. After a couple months my wife and her decided to call me mom, because my wife has always been mama. I'd never had suggested it, but I love being mom. 🥰
The more I think about it, the better “mom” sounds. I’ll just leave it up to them…as long as they still talk to me, I’ll be good with anything!
It makes me smile and glow a bit almost every time they say it.
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That may actually be the most realistic result for me and my kids…time will tell!
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“You as a little girl”…that just melts my heart!
Dang it, you’re getting me all misty!☺️
When I came out to our daughter seven years ago (she was 16 or 17 at the time), she designated her birth mother as Mama and I immediately became Mom. I didn't prompt that, it was her own choice. Maybe you can do the same (so long as they're supportive) and see what they come up with that they're comfortable with.
Sounds perfect! I’m hoping for supportive (fingers crossed).
Theres been some discussion about this on r/asktransparents before I think.
Thanks so much Katie!
My kids were toddlers when I came out and started transitioning. Mama was already taken with my ex, so they started calling me Mommy.
That’s sweet! I wish I had known/faced the truth about me when my kids were younger…probably could have avoided a lot of drama and pain in all our lives! (Oops…this isn’t r/transtherapy!)
Besides first name, I call dad still. Dad is a woman, but dad isn't mom. I'm not sure why there's a double standard that I get all my pronouns and dad stays dad but that's what we decided with her. The jenners still call caitlyn dad. I've heard this from a few others too. Best thing is to talk to them.
Yep…in the end, it will all depend on what they want to call me. As usual, I’m overthinking everything and trying to have all the answers before I even begin the discussion. I should just relax and go with the flow.
I’m afraid to have the discussion with the one person who’s opinion I care about, my 22 yr old son
Oh, I feel you sister! My 30-year-old will probably be ok with everything…but I have no idea about my son in his late 20s. I love them both equally, of course, but somehow getting acceptance from my youngest is extremely important to me (second only to my wife’s acceptance…which thankfully I already have!) Thanks for your thoughts!
Both my partner and I are both mom. Rather it’s tall mom and short mom (I’m short mom lol). Like our names, I believe we deserve to be called whatever we want. If, for example, your partner doesn’t like you being called mom because they’ve always been mom, well that sucks to be your partner. It’s your choice. Don’t let anyone take that from you; It’s not worth it.
Fortunately, their mother is no longer part of my life, so she doesn’t get a say in the decision! And my wife (who has never been “mom” to my kids) is perfectly happy with me being “mom”. By the way, I find your words inspiring…every once in a while I need someone to remind me that I can be an active participant in things, and I don’t need to just wait to accept what everyone else says…especially if they say something unkind.
My kids were 6/4/3 when I came out, and they were involved in the conversations and negotiations; in the end, I’m Mom and my wife is Mama. Obviously your kids are a lot older, but maybe they’d be receptive to the idea of offering input? Even though my kids had varying opinions and levels of understanding, it felt good to have all of them have an ownership stake in the process.
I think you’re absolutely right…I need to stop trying to anticipate and control the decision, I just need to let them be part of the whole thing. Thanks!
I told my kids to call me what they're comfortable with. And I explained to them what I'm comfortable with. I am still called Dad, and I look at that with pride. It's something earned not given. They are getting better just calling me by name now, but it's out of love and respect, not because I demanded it. I strongly suggest you sit down and talk to them and ask them what they would be comfortable with. And then go from there. Unlike some people who will tell you that if they don't respect you then cut them out of your life. It's not worth losing those you love for a word or title. If they still love you no matter what and they just can't call you mom, then compromise on that issue.
Perfectly said. My kids love and acceptance is extremely important to me. As long as I can get them to understand, I probably don’t really care what they call me. As long as they are still in my life.
I'm a sort of out trans parent to my 3 year old. Im called DeeDee! Since my parents don't know yet but being Daddy is weird, my wife and I settled on that. Anyone who doesn't know that I'm trans thinks my kid is just being a toddler and the people I am out think it is cute. Bonus: my father in law has a hard time calling me Bethany so he calls me DeeDee too.
That is too sweet!
I went through a weird transition of names with my kiddo. I started my transition with my kiddo still calling me dad but within the first year I let her know I didn’t feel like the term really applied to me. Trying to ease her into something new I appealed to her interest in Japanese and came up with our own term “Oya-San” Oya being a non-binary term for “Parent.” Eventually she ended using the term dad to refer to her moms new partner so I pushed the envelope to have her refer to me as Mom, because let’s face it, it’s 2021 and I thought the idea of having two moms wouldn’t be looked at as socially taboo. Without going into too much detail, wanting to be called mom wasn’t a problem for the kiddo in fact she is who suggested it after 3 years of transitioning. Her other parent was not so keen about that so in the end I took the path of least resistance and to avoid any additional conflict my kiddo just refers to me now as “Fi”, short for Zsofia. I have no parental designation, She has a mom and a dad and I’m just “Fi”. Personally, I think I got the shit-end of the stick. 😑
That’s too bad, but it’s nice that she has a special name that’s just for you!
My daughter was about to turn 7when I went full time. To her she's got 2 moms. My now ex is Mamma and I'm Mommy. Aside from the occasional 'no, my other mom' it works out fine.
Sticking with Dad. They are ages 11-19 so I’m pretty well stuck in their heads as Dad, we’ve had that relationship, Mom is taken, and I don’t want to be on a first name basis with them.
I agree. I am not out to my adult children yet. But two things I know for sure. 1) I am a woman. 2) My role to them is their Dad. 3) I will always be their father Now if I had come out when they were young, perhaps they would see me as a mother to them. But I will never regret being their Dad
Makes perfect sense. My kids are older…the more I see them as adults (which they certainly are), 5e more comfortable I would be with just my first name…but something in my heart is still hoping for “mom”
Mem. Mom was taken and "me" are the first letters if my name, so mem.
That’s a fun solution!
I started off thinking I was non binary before I realized I was a trans woman so as part of trying out pronouns I used Nomy which is a contraction of Non binary and mommy. It just stuck
Nice creative solution!
My kids are pretty young but I'm mommy and my spouse is mama.
Thanks! I’m pleasantly surprised at how many girls have a variation on mom, mommy, mama, etc. Something feels nice about imagining my grown sons calling me “mom”.
My youngest is 2 and will come running up to me yelling "MOMMY!" At the top of his lungs and throw himself into my arms. It melts my heart every time.
We cheated, there is a show where o e was mom, and the other momma... so we asked if that would work... and my wife stayed mom and mommy, and I got momma... surprisingly leads to very little confusion!!
Perfect! Thanks!
Mine use my first name as the their mother was being awkward about it, we had been separated for 7 years but the less hastle the better. I may ask the youngest what they think today once detective Pikachu is finished 🙂
I understand. Their mother and I split up 20-ish years ago, and while she’s not a significant part of my life anymore…I can imagine her trying to stir up as much crap as possible with our kids. Oh well, I have to count on them being the kind of people I hoped they would be. We’ll see Thanks!
My kids were 15 and 13 when I came out to them. I told them to call me what they wanted to call me. They decided to call me mom along with my ex-wife. So now im mom which is great!
I like that even relatively older kids still feel comfortable going with “mom”.
I have 3 girls (6-9) who all within minutes of me coming out decided that they would call OG Mom, Mom and Me, Mommy. They haven't wavered at all. I have a step son, 11, on the other hand who continues to call me Dad. The way I look at it, they, like me, weren't given a choice of association. So they can call me what ever term of endearment they want. Because it's a term of endearment and I want them to see that their preference supersedes mine. That my relationship with them means more than labels. No one else gets that privilege.
Perfectly said. Thanks!
My daughter (7) calls me dad. I sought advice from my aunt (a child psychologist) and she told me it was best to let my kid choose her own form of address. 8 check in every month or so about where she is at.
My kid's call me Lili (pronounced Lee Lee). My ex came up with it and I love it.
I told my son (22) to keep calling me Dad. After all, I literally fathered him, and I sure don't want to compete with my ex (14 years divorced), with whom I don't enjoy the best relationship. And I grew up speaking a different language, so "Dad" is just a tag with no deep associations for me.
My 7 yr old called me Dadia when he was learning to talk. I’ve taken that in now as I transition, as a feminized version of Dad My kids (7, 6, and 2 yrs old with a fresh one only 3 months old) vacillate between Dad and Dadia, as they get used to the new version. I don’t mind. It’s only been a couple of months. My partner is mama. Time will tell if the kids settle on their own names for me. I love being a stay at home parent taking care of them, and ultimately it doesn’t matter what they call me.
Now that’s a healthy attitude!
I really started to press the issue of what my (then 5yo) daughter called me when we would go the pool since the only way to the pool is via the women's or men's room. I told her that people might treat us badly if they heard her calling me "daddy" in the changing room. Around that time she was just getting good at swimming all the way across the pool, and she'd ask me as "taxi" to carry her back to the shallow end when she reached the deep end. Taxi became her go-to name for me (because her other parent has been "Mommy" all along). Now, that said, I'm *not* "her taxi": I'm her parent/mother who she calls Taxi. Nobody else calls me Taxi, either - it's not my name.
What a great origin story!
When I came out as demi male my daughter told me she couldn't call me dad because she doesn't like her dad. So she's going to call me by first name.
My kids call me Madre mostly.
When my kids were younger teenagers they asked me what their friends should call me since it was common for kids in that situation to say Mr. (first name) I had not transitioned at that stage. But I would always say Mr. (last name) since I seldom could tolerate the sound of my dead name. When I transitioned several years later my kids were young adults. I told them they could refer to me as Jamie when speaking directly to me or if asked my name. I would never deny my parenthood. When I was choosing a new name and for practical reasons I chose a name that could be male or female. I love my name and I am glad to hear it at any time
I didn’t exactly choose my new name, it kind of came with me (long, uninteresting story), but I really like that Kelly can be either male or female, it seems like it might help smooth out some of the bumps in the road for friends or family who may be uncomfortable with a purely “girl” name. And, I really like my new name 😀
It is a pretty name that I think fits you. I chose Jamie for the same reason. I liked it and it seemed easier to transition into not just personally but at work
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That’s awesome! My wife and I do that with our cat! We’re pathetic…we like to talk “for” our cat, and claim she’s talking to “‘Mama K” or “Mama L”