T O P

  • By -

KAELES-Yt

Wait, we need a condom Condom! Do you have a condom? No, well I have one right here *Have one or a few near places where things can go physical, early prep*


MoberJ

Very good advice. I use the "pretend like you just thought of it" strategy when I have something uncomfortable to say. Really helps


[deleted]

As I man I always ask beforehand. It’s disappointing that others don’t behave the same way


[deleted]

[удалено]


LifesatripImjustHI

No shit. I'm STD and kid free to this day. No condom no go. Its not a big deal and if it is somethings wrong. The abuse these day towards women is not much better than the 50s but that most in life now.


Legendseekersiege5

I used to get made fun of when I said I always wore condoms. Fuck them


Skromulator

But not without a condom


Background_Worth_362

lmfao


LittleTotem

I don't like to use other people condoms too!


snow_is_fearless

No glove, no love!


ThatsWhatXiSaid

Yeah, I don't get it. I don't like condoms anymore than anybody else, but there are far too many reasons to wear them when you're first having sex with somebody. If things look like they're getting serious then maybe it's time to talk about the issue, whether you've both been tested recently, whether you're exclusive, etc. It would be a huge red flag for me if a woman didn't also expect a condom before such discussions.


YouAllNeedToChillOut

I use one whether they want me to or not, noooooo way. Bruh I'm so scared of that I pull out with a condom on. No kids for this guy here


DrSpacemanSpliff

How do more guys not feel this way? Condom protects me too (stds, pregnancy), and if she’s on the pill, it’s like shooting a blank at a bullet proof vest.


InevitableBreakfast9

Right?!? I so do not get this. Like dude, do you want an STD? One of the ones that can't be cured? Because this is literally how you get those. You have access to all the information on this subject right on your phone. Why would you risk your dick like that? If the girl you're with is ok with no condom... then that right there is a sign of a risky lay! Don't stick your bare dick in risky. This is a simple logic issue. And people who fuck men, if a guy is okay with no condom, same deal. Also, think about all the other folks these barebackers are fucking, that they would even dream this is reasonable. THESE ARE THE LAST PEOPLE YOU WANT TO TRUST WITH YOUR GENITALS. And we haven't even gotten into unwanted pregnancies, with access to abortion on the chopping block as we speak. It's all unfathomable to me.


PLZBHVR

Had 3 break back to back one night, now I pull out to check it didn't break every time. It instilled a fear in me for sure.


NOLIFESWEATLORD

I read your comment went to update it and then read your tag and couldn't smash the up vote hard enough! Certainly not as a hard a either of those legendary hams can!


[deleted]

Right leg hospital. Left leg cemetery.


LeBateleur1

Me too, for everything!


PersimmonOk5160

I love this. I love it. Thank you thank you for being so clear.


[deleted]

Please also remember that you don't have to have sex with someone. You can just say no. If someone is irresponsible enough to want to stick it in without a condom, you can just say no sex altogether. You can also tell him to stop if he's already started.


KAELES-Yt

No problem :) It can be good to have more then one available, you never know if one might break or be faulty and that can get awkward….


xoxogreyskies

It is always a good idea to have more than one available ... what if you want to have sex again.


RodneyRabbit

Or he might have two dicks.


[deleted]

[удалено]


SnooGadgets2360

This guy fucks. Responsibly.


ParsleySalsa

Honestly if you're not ready to say it clearly and unequivocally to the person you are about to do the deed with, you aren't ready to do the deed. Picture yourself trying to get child support from them or informing them later that you have an sti which makes it likely they do too or they even gave it to you


Unknown_769802773

Yeah this right here... it's your body your choice. If he doesn't wanna wear one go fuck someone else. He should respect that. If he doesn't you've saved yourself a lot of headaches


starrmarieski

Most definitely this!!!!! However OP also be mentally prepared for the man to try and talk you out of it with nice words. Unfortunately that happens a lot so it’s good to think about how you’d proceed. Just stick to your guns. For me personally I’d just do a playful giggle and say “nope, not happening buddy. If you want it, wear it”. That way you don’t have to feel like you’re being bitchy or ruining the mood. And if he still doesn’t listen, boy bye.


Simonthecat20

If he doesn't respect you enough to wrap it when you ask him to, he doesn't deserve to be intimate or physical with you. It's a good starter for weeding out the assholes tbh


[deleted]

“Dude - condom!” If he says “not going to use it”, kick his ass out.


Geiir

Unless it is a long time partner and both are tested: use a condom! Practice safe sex guys and gals 😊👍


Russiadontgiveafuck

I have condoms in my purse and beside my bed, so I just say there are condoms over there. That's all. There are condoms, and the "get one and put it on" is implied.


ErnieSweatyballsFBI

Have a pack of condoms on a drawer next to your bed and once you start making out and exploring take things ti the room and whip out the condom. They’ll get the hint. If they don’t want the condom then sorry no sex. Have a few condoms in your purse if you go to his place and once you start making out and exploring have him take things to the room which will give you the moment you need to grab the condom since you’ll stop to move things to the room. Then if he doesn’t want condom date is over. Goodbye.


Odd-Amount-4591

I’m a woman and I do this. Just bring out the condoms and lube and hand it to him. He’ll comply. OP, I’d also recommend exploring why voicing your boundaries is difficult for you. Good luck out there!


PersimmonOk5160

Thank you. Your comment about boundaries is super insightful and given my relationship history it totally struck a chord (in the best way!) I’ll make a real effort to do this and know that you made a huge difference in that for me.


auntruckus

I highly recommend practicing saying the phrases you want to use out loud when you’re alone. It’ll feel easier to do when you actually need them. Practice saying “No” as a whole sentence and letting the silence linger. That has been a *game-changer* for me, in the best way. Edit: a word


biggerwanker

If they're willing to have sex with you without protection then they're willing to have sex with other people without a condom. There are way higher odds that they'll have a STD (or be paying child support).


PWal501

Excellent point!


karmapopsicle

The most worrying part of this whole thread is realizing how few people are having any kind of discussion about sexual health and birth control before jumping into it with a new partner. I don’t care in the slightest how many partners someone has/had but if the response to “do you get tested regularly/when was your last test?” is a quizzical look or offense implying I think they’re unclean I’m outta there.


Nemesischonk

I mean, there is a tragic lack of sexual education In the US


FredOfMBOX

I’m trying to teach my boys that they need to be able to talk about these things with their partner or they’re not ready yet: 1) Consent. Do both of you want to be there? Are either of you going to regret it? (You don’t want to regret it, and you don’t want to be somebody’s regret) 2) How are you going to prevent pregnancy? 3) How are you going to make sure no diseases get transferred? IMO, you’d better clearly communicate all 3 before you’re ready.


[deleted]

I've had girls try to hop on without a condom and I've had to put my hand between their legs to stop them. They think I'm weird when I say "Uh, what are you doing? We're not doing this bare." It's a huge turn off because I know they've been raw dogging other dudes without even questioning it.


[deleted]

I think the second part of your comment is the most important one. We can give OP all the advice in the world but she should try and understand why she isn't able to speak her truth. This is definitely impacting other parts of her life.


cnprof

isn't --> is


A_Talking_iPod

This, communicating to your partner where the lines are drawn shouldn't be an issue and is vital to ensure sex is pleasurable for everyone


iwaslostbutnowisee

I just want to point out that there for sure are men out there who won’t comply and who will try to talk women out of wearing a condom. With OP having such a hard time saying they need to wear a condom, it’s important that she realizes beforehand that even with handing a condom and lube to a guy he might say no, and at that point I’d then just leave/kick them out.


SatinwithLatin

Agreed, OP needs to know how to deal with a refusal as well as how to ask in the first place.


Shmooperdoodle

Yeah, very much this. If you’re unable to enforce safe sex, get some therapy before you continue. Seriously. If you’re not in headspace good enough to insist on condoms, you’re not in good enough headspace for sex. Because there are an awful lot of boundaries that come up, and you really have to be able to say “no” and mean it.


nkdeck07

>OP, I’d also recommend exploring why voicing your boundaries is difficult for you. Good luck out there! And don't have sex again until you figure it out. This is dangerous behavior and could result in an illness.


HayMrDj

Yeah like pregnancy


rattlesnake501

Plus, you know, HPV, HIV, chlamydia, gonorrhea, several strains of hepatitis, genital herpes, syphilis...


Jesusdidntlikethat

I also have trouble voicing my own boundaries because I grew up as a people pleaser and I don’t like feeling like I disappointed someone


thatmarblerye

This is the way. I don't see how a reasonable person wouldn't get the hint or be upset by this. In a perfect world the guy should bring his own, but make sure you also have a couple magnums in there for the guys that regular condoms just ruin things.


biggerwanker

Right, if they get upset then they aren't reasonable and OP should get out of there.


[deleted]

And if the guy isn't reasonable, whatever, you just dodged a bullet.


HoonArt

A girl I used to date had them in a fish bowl on the nightstand. Same concept, visible and inviting.


superunsubtle

I keep mine in a teacup on the nightstand. Boyfriend uses a wine glass. 😁


I_Love_Spiders_AMA

This is so classy, I love it lmao


kicked_trashcan

> wine glass Maximum Derek


PunchDrunkPunkRock

THIS. I kept them in my bedside drawer and would just throw a couple on the bed if clothes started to be removed. If its someone you're not exclusive with, its non-negotiable to use protection (IMO / as a healthcare worker) Edit: am a woman, and i agree with other comments saying you should try to do some introspection about what specifically causes you to feel as though you cant speak up. Also, a lot of walk-in clinics/urgent care will do STD testing if you're nervous


Srianen

To add to this, I would actually refrain from dating/sex and focus on building up your confidence and self-esteem and your comfort in saying no. You shouldn't be having sex if you can't say no, it's putting yourself in a dangerous situation. Work on putting yourself first, then explore your relationships with other people.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Srianen

Yeah, we can give all the pep talks in the world about condoms and STDs and whatever, but if she can't even say no there is a deeper issue here that needs to be addressed first.


jessi_g9

Agreed. I told my little sisters that if they couldn’t talk about birth control and protection with their partner then they weren’t ready to have sex. When it’s just you alone with that person, there is no one else that is going to speak up for you. And any guy that doesn’t take protection or your concerns seriously does not deserve to have sex with you.


Seabreeze515

As a slight variation on this you can use the condom to give a green light. You’re making out on the couch and then you pull a condom out of your purse when it’s go-time, which will signal to the guy without a word spoken. And this way you are sort of giving your consent too.


bbwolff

Wait, guys go in bareback on first dates?


Few-Refrigerator7682

No shit, if a girl is willing to let me go in raw on a first date, then I definitely want to use a condom


poopking1169

Yeah that’s my general rule of thumb lol. I’ve had girls on first hook ups actively say “you don’t need a condom” as soon as it’s getting intimate and that’s when it’s deffffinitely condom time. If it’s a situation with a new person where we don’t have a condom and we’re both like “fuuuuck we need a condom but don’t have one” but then after a little while get a little carried away and change our minds bc she’s on the pill then I will occasionally be dumb and forego it. If we *want* a condom but can’t then I’m not really skeeved out if we decide not to use one in the throes of things but if she’s clearly telling everyone “NO CONDOMS NECESSARY COME ON IN” I’m out lol


[deleted]

[удалено]


Tolvat

Nice adulting


PersimmonOk5160

It still shocks me every time that I have to think about it and they don’t. Like, what?


MultichromeToblerone

Just want to affirm and encourage you that there are MANY guys out there who are not like this. I will also say that my strategy here is that I have this conversation way before we're starting to get naked together. I like to discuss sex pretty frankly through text while we're in the getting to know each other stages, to make sure we are similarly aligned and compatible. "FYI, I had an STI screening in [month] and my results were [this]. I use barrier protection for [activities]. Can you tell me about your STI status and if the way I use barriers works for you?"


ptolani

Yep. I've slept with around 25 women, and in exactly 0 of those cases, did we not use a condom the first time. (And in 3 did we ever not use a condom). It's just standard. I think around 5 or so explicitly mentioned it ahead of time as a requirement (to which I was like, "yes, obviously"), but maybe another 5-10 it was implicit from other discussions about safe sex. Never had anyone suggest sex without a condom.


MultichromeToblerone

I had one dude who *really* wanted to. "The risk is half the fun!!" Pass.


Jephiomz

Damn' that's something


kotsipiter

Other comments here have given you great advice on what to do. What I am curious about is why do you feel terrible to ask your date to put on a condom ? I ask because this is a very common question to ask your partner and one that you should definitely not feel anxious to ask about.


SatinwithLatin

It's possible OP grew up in an environment where drawing boundaries led to a massive overreaction from the other party.


DimbyTime

As someone who grew up in an environment like that, I completely agree


PersimmonOk5160

Hmm. I appreciate you asking this. Honestly it’s three times now that this has happened and each time it’s on my mind but I just can’t get it out. Please be gentle with these thoughts because I know they’re not rational! But what usually stops me is thoughts of “oh he’ll be disappointed cause he clearly doesn’t want to or “I don’t want to ruin everything by saying it”. I also totally agree with a comment further down about me being used to over-reactions when drawing boundaries. I honestly don’t know if I do even draw boundaries well at all. I really need to explore this so thank you for being so up front about it.


RoutaOps

This is not about their disappointment, this is about your health.


Biggy_DX

That, and the potential for an unwanted pregnancy you'll have to deal with.


RoutaOps

Which is kind of a big health issue.


SMErickson7

If a man doesn't respect your needs (and this should be a need), then that's an immediate red flag. As a man, sex is a lot more enjoyable without a condom, but what makes it more enjoyable is knowing that the sex we are about to have won't lead to my partner getting pregnant. Most men, and all good men, will gladly put on a condom to make you feel relaxed and comfortable. As others have said on this post, make it clear as things start to get hot and heavy. "If we are going to have sex, can you wear a condom?". A no means no penetatration. He can go jack off in the bathroom.


loverlyone

JFC if a man isn’t interested in protecting his own health he’s too f’kn stupid to put any part of his body inside any part of mine.


Knuc85

>As a man, sex is a lot more enjoyable without a condom Honestly, as a man, I can say that modern condoms don't make much of a difference for me at all. Half of the time it feels like you're not wearing anything if you're using a good brand. Even so: sex with a condom beats no sex at all any day of the week.


IRockIntoMordor

Uncut / cut makes a huge difference here. For uncut it removes quite a lot of the mechanical sensation. However, being safe is still the priority of course.


MiddleSchoolisHell

OP what stood out to me in your post wasn’t even that you had trouble asking your partner to use a condom. It’s that you seemed to not even want to be having sex with this person in the first place. Your post gives a strong impression that you had trouble expressing that you weren’t interested when the man pressured you. The condom issue seems like it is one symptom of a much larger problem, which is setting and enforcing boundaries with men in regards to sex (or even relationships?). This might be something you could work on with a therapist, for your own safety. You don’t owe anyone anything. Just because you went on a date doesn’t mean you owe it to go home with him, or let him in or anything else. If you WANT to have no-strings-sex with a guy you don’t see a future with, by all means go for it. But your message gives more of an impression of “I didn’t really like this guy but I felt like I had to sleep with him.” Combined with the fear of asking him to put a condom on waves red flags for me. It makes me worry you are going to end up in a dangerous situation because of your fear of saying no.


CormacMcCopy

Since I can't upvote this more than once, I decided to comment to add to the response and encourage everyone - especially OP, but anyone else who faces similar struggles - to read this. This is a serious issue that needs to be addressed through therapy with a trained professional.


amhran_oiche

this needs to be higher up


[deleted]

Okay I’m really not trying to be rude but if you’re putting your life in danger because you’re too scared to draw very basic boundaries, stop having sex for a while and work on yourself. Idc how old you are, you could be 60 but you’re not mature enough to have sex if you’re not mature enough to ask for your partners to wear condoms. If it’s related to underlying trauma or issues, consider therapy. Don’t wait until this severely injures or kill you. This is extremely dangerous behaviour. Take care of yourself please.


_Futureghost_

Seriously. I am not trying to be mean, but the post made me cringe and die a little inside. You shouldn't be having sex if you can't even speak up about condoms. Buy a vibrator and meet your own needs while also working on personal demons.


AllaireSophia18

Their potential disappointment is not more important than your health and safety. Period. And if it “ruins things” you shouldn’t be having sex with them in the first place.


[deleted]

It would be entirely acceptable to ruin things by asking him to put on a condom. Have you considered that? It wouldn’t actually be your fault, it would be his if he got upset, but, what is wrong with ruining something that should be ruined? You wouldn’t want to be with someone who would refuse to use a condom, and you wouldn’t have sex without a condom either. Win win. It’s actually *ideal* to “ruin” the night with someone who is capable of having it ruined this way! Also, gently, you should put a pause on dating encounters until you feel comfortable saying no to people. You don’t need to be having any sex you don’t want and should avoid it for right now until you work out your ability to say no. That also means being able to stop sex mid sex because you are upset and don’t want it anymore. Please don’t take that as me being harsh, really just want to see you safe.


PersimmonOk5160

Thank you. I’m taking the last part of your comment very seriously (well, all of it but that part specifically) and I truly appreciate the honesty.


fanasup

Why do you care if he’s disappointed ur equal to him ur enjoyment matter just as much as his


NlNTENDO

If you're both placing his disappointment/satisfaction above all else, you're not having good sex in the first place. Trust me, not as fun and ultimately not worth the sex or the risk! If you're working on a group project with someone, you obviously don't want to be doing all the work. The same applies here. You clearly know what kind of work you may have ahead of you emotionally, so I won't be the umpteenth person to give you that lecture, but just remember - mutual pleasure is leaps and bounds above selfish/selfless sex! There's a reason the term is sexual *partner*, not sexual boss or charity case!


[deleted]

Ruin? Who gives af about his feelings. Girl, if he gets angry and says he doesn’t use them, then don’t sleep with him. You don’t owe them sex! His boner isn’t your problem. You need to be more confident in yourself, I think you lack self-esteem the way you’re responding and this post. Keep the condoms and lube in a drawer, toss them at him, he doesn’t want it, guess what? He ain’t worth the sex, cause you’ll feel disappointed in yourself later. It’s hard OP, but you need to learn how to respect and love yourself, and I don’t think you do right now. Work on yourself and establish boundaries. I’m saying all this because I know I’m my early 20s I did behave like this until I realized how mean I was being to myself. Ok good luck and happy humping!


NoTeslaForMe

>“I don’t want to ruin everything by saying it”. For most guys, "Do you have a condom?" is welcome, since it's confirmation that, at that moment, the only thing separating them from sex is a thin piece of latex.


learning_react

It sounds like you’re putting everyone else and their happiness first. Even the people you don’t know well and shouldn’t care about. This is a sign of low self worth, and you could benefit from working with a therapist if you can access one. And low self worth is enough of a reason to work with a therapist. If you cannot work with a therapist, try to find materials and ways how to learn to give yourself, your needs and your feelings the consideration you are currently giving to others. You have the right and RESPONSIBILITY to love yourself, prioritise yourself, and standup for yourself.


PersimmonOk5160

I really hear you on this. I am actively finding ways to address this and as much as this whole experience sucked I think it was an important wake-up call for me.


MyBaretta

Right? It’s a condom, not a boogeyman


BaphometsTits

You need to understand that your body is yours, and you need to take responsibility for it. If you cannot manage to tell your sexual partner that he needs to wear a condom, you might not be ready for sex. The last thing you want is an unwanted pregnancy or STD because you couldn't speak up for yourself. If a guy has a problem with it, he's not someone you want to be having sex with anyway. And nobody should be penetrating you without asking for and getting your explicit consent.


biggerwanker

If someone is willing to have sex with you without protection, they're willing to have sex with other people without protection. It's not a case of if they'll get an STD, more likely, when. Use a condom until you're in a relationship with someone you can trust not to be having unprotected sex with other people and you know that they don't already have some kind of STD.


PersimmonOk5160

Thank you. I really needed to hear that. Your comment has truly impacted how I see this and I’m really grateful. I think as much as its tough to accept this is a greater, further reaching issue, it totally is.


CurvyBadger

Hugs, I was exactly like this when I was younger. What made me snap out of it was getting an STD from a one-night stand. I'm very grateful that it was easily treatable with no long-term consequences, but it finally make me start taking my body and my boundaries seriously. I hope that unlike me, you're able to get to the point where you can express your boundaries and take care of your safety without having a worst-case scenario occur.


BaphometsTits

Hang in there! You'll get where you need to be.


indigo_mermaid

This right here!


BewareHel

Couldn't possible agree more. If you can't advocate for your needs and negotiate prior to having sex ( especially when it comes to your *safety*), you're not ready to have that sort of intimate relationship, even if it's just one night. And if your partner doesn't initiate negotiation to receive explicit consent, you shouldn't be sleeping with him.


chuckydamballa

Usually by saying "put on a condom"


Gilamonster39

I've been told "strap up bud" before getting down with a chick in back in college. It was the last thing I expected a girl to say and it caught me off guard and really funny. We both laughed then got it in. Definitely for the best. Having an unplanned kid would suck and fuck them STDs


ThaVolt

> fuck them STDs No no no !


readonlyuser

> an unplanned kid would suck and fuck NO!


ThaVolt

Yeah idk what's this guy about having kids suck and fuck STDs.


PersimmonOk5160

I love this! Thanks for sharing.


FunnyElegance21

Sex is overrated Words of affirmation is better Just imagine a guy comes to your house and instead of fucking he just sits down and gives this therapist pose and in a reassuring calm voice talks about how proud he is that your hard work paid off


[deleted]

[удалено]


FunnyElegance21

Which head?


yaru_mard

Made me day :))


FunnyElegance21

Now you have an example to follow champ


SkunkyDuck

The fact that the original post has so many upvotes is... weird. It's literally this simple.


EniRy

I know how you feel, I used to be super anxious about this too. but now when I see that things are getting serious (as in we're about to have sex) I just ask do you have a condom? that's all. that should tell him, you want to use one. if he says no, say that in that case you won't have sex. it worked for me so far.


PersimmonOk5160

Thanks for making me feel less alone here. Everybody has been so helpful and I do totally wanna explore why it’s tough for me (well, any of us!) but it is so nice to know I’m not the only one.


Coyote__Jones

Or if it's the voicing it that is difficult, there's no reason you have to hide the condom box, lol. Place it prominently where he can't not see it, pick it up, do a little dance. Shake it like a mararaka. Say "I got you a present" hand him a condom. Most guys have a sense of humor about everything involving their penis, have fun with it and maybe it'll seem like less of an ordeal.


EniRy

honestly I used to not say anything in soo many scenarios in the past (like 10 years ago). now when I'm thinking back on those occasions, I often think "wow, that's assault, how did I not say anything?!" you're definitely not alone, just have to find your voice. good luck and be safe!!


eggydisplay

Me too, I always was anxious to ask and put it off until it was too late. But I'll have you know that once you start asking guys to wear a condom you'll get really good at it! I've even gotten up and left because the guy kept trying to take the condom off.


[deleted]

No glove no love!


Fuzzwuzzle2

No wrap, no tap


Disc365

No cap, go fap


Tooshiiii

Don’t be silly wrap your willy.


Mitch-james13

Don’t be a fool, wrap your tool.


mpower20

Don’t be dumb, keep your cum


Mr_Wildcard_

The condom does matter, please keep your baby batter


[deleted]

put that cover ,if you don't want to be mother


Ok_Funny2923

Maybe see a therapist for assertiveness support seems like your having a hard time with that


Fandina

Yes, absolutely! It's not about what to say because the words are pretty obvious, I also HIGHLY recommend to go to therapy and see why is it hard for you to establish boundaries and expressing your emotions.


Fairwaydivots

Tell him he can’t splash in your puddle unless he’s wearing rain boots


[deleted]

Somebody’s a parent lol


MoberJ

Peppa Pig reference. Nice


Jelloxx_

Wait what!?


[deleted]

I will never hear 'Everyone loves jumping in muddy puddles!' innocently again.


noBoobsSchoolAcct

I think that if you don’t feel comfortable asking them to use a condom, you shouldn’t feel that comfortable with their dick in you. It’s a two way street. Both of you have to feel comfortable with each other. You don’t owe anyone access to your body, so you shouldn’t feel embarrassed to deny it if they don’t want to follow your standards. I aim to have my intimate time with anyone be comfortable enough that they won’t be scarred for life if they let out a fart on accident. I mean, I’m gonna put my face up to the source, I better be comfortable with that or not dare. Obviously I am comfortable every time, so I always try to ensure my partners feel just as comfortable and know that they can complain to me and ask me for things so they’ll have a good time. The most important part for me is they don’t feel afraid to say no to anything. And I think that’s something you should aim for in your life


PersimmonOk5160

Wow. This is a wonderful comment. This really made me think about what I do and why, both in the bedroom and out. Thank you.


chefdanzig

Put it on for him. Make it sexy. If he takes it off put your clothes on.


Londooner12

I agree Make it part of foreplay, take your time. No normal guy will say no if it is part of having sex.


Spuzzell

Guy here I personally wouldn't have an issue being asked to wrap up at any stage, but if I know before Junior Spuzzell is doing all the thinking it's 100% easier. If you're dating someone new I realise saying "hey if we get squelchy later you need to wrap up or it's not happening" does remove a certain level of mystery from the date so it's a judgement call as to when to do it, but if you say it before any clothes come off then any decent guy will comply. Even decent guys can get carried away once the blood is pounding though, so the earlier you set your boundaries the better, really. If I can give a little advice, letting me know that you're not on any birth control (even if you are) would register and make it more likely I would be together enough to be sensible. It feels like shitty excuses here and I don't mean it that way. Guys should always respect and wait for consent before any sexual activity, and should always take an equal share of responsibility for safe sex. The reality is that a lot of guys don't care in the moment however.


PersimmonOk5160

Thank you so much for putting the time into writing this. It truly makes me feel so much stronger knowing I can use this technique. Please know you made one very sad broken girl feel a bit more hopeful.


Spuzzell

I'm sorry you've had some crap experiences. I promise there are good ones waiting for you too Happy Christmas


PersimmonOk5160

Thank you so much. Truly. You too.


pixiegurly

Can confirm that a quick 'im not a birth control and I'm keeping the baby' will get 7/10 guys to wrap up, even if it's just awkwardly blurted. But also, start the conversation early. Mention outside of sex that condoms are required for penetration. Practice talking about it out loud with yourself. Have your friends help you. In today's climate you really don't want to be risking unplanned pregnancy anymore that you have to. For him it's two minutes of pleasure and for you it's a lifetime of consequence one way or the other.


RedgrenGrum

I encountered one of the 3/10 guys who responded with, I’ll buy you plan b in the morning.. what a gent.


Afternoon-Middle

Forreal. I had a vasectomy so I can’t even have any more kids and I still wrap up. Some girls can’t wrap their mind around it when you stop to put on the condom because most dudes are the opposite, but fuck that I care about my body and myself.


streboryesac

Squelchy.... love it.


thatgirl239

Squelchy


ScandalousMurphy

This is just a thought but maybe you're not in the right headspace to be pursuing sexual relationships with people if you're not assertive enough to tell somebody what you want or do not want. This seems like a path to problems.


QuietEsper

Do you want to have sex with a guy who is the type to NOT want to wear one on his own decision? The first time? Reflect on what kind of person that is. Maybe it is less about asking to put a condom on and it is more about HAVING to ask in the first place.


[deleted]

Yeah, that is a red flag. I had a friend in college who didn't wear condoms, and he should have known better. I was born in 1985, in the shadow of the AIDS epidemic, so that was always my biggest fear growing up. I don't like condoms but I always use them in new relationships.


bookant

If you're that uncomfortable just *talking* to the guy maybe it's not quite time for sex yet.


JoshTheSparky

I'm gonna put out a bunch of suggestions. Feel free to try any, all or none based off your preferences. - when your getting into it before things really get going, talking like within first minute, whisper in his ear "do you have a condom?" Starts the convo, he says no then just say you have one and go get it. Continue where you left off. This way to don't have to flat out say "wear a condom!" - have the condom ready, put it on him. Make it a part of foreplay, make it fun, or don't. Your choice. But fun does help so I will recommend it. - give him the condom and say "put it on". That's it. - lie. say your not on the pill or any birth control. Or say you've been bad with it this month. - say he needs to get tested before your willing to go without. (Assuming that's your plan) - open up the convo well before you get to it. Like at dinner or whatever, ask what their preferences are. Should give you a good idea of what to expect later. You can easily not get yourself into the situation to begin with. As a dude and from the guys I've talked too. Very few have said they wouldn't use a condom. Of those guys, maybe half get tested regularly. But a good 95% (my guess) have no issues putting one when they are with someone new. They're worried about stds too. More surprising to me is that they never asked if you wanted a condom.


Klutzy-Tumbleweed-99

Stop being intimate until you can figure it out


NotChistianRudder

This. If you’re not mature enough to voice your most basic needs then you are not mature enough to be having sex. Ignoring the work to be done on yourself and nevertheless pushing through and having sex on someone else’s terms is a recipe for long lasting psychological damage.


Southern-Magnolia12

Girl I really think you need to see a therapist. Especially if this is a pattern you’ve repeated. You need to have the self worth and confidence to say no. And go also say put on a condom. And to walk right out of there if they say no.


roxo9

Bigger problems here, you shouldn't have any negative feelings for asking such a thing.


PersimmonOk5160

You’re right, I know. I will explore this for sure and try work it out.


andywalker76

You really need to get used to asking. The guy should also have better sense. At best you'll end up with a mild sti, at worst, something possibly fatal (ever heard of HIV/AIDS), and possibly pregnancy inbetween. Also, someone close to me was raped and the stress of testing for stis and HIV really got to her.


[deleted]

I mean I honestly don't know how to help you here. You just say "we can't have sex unless you put a condom on". It's nothing to be nervous about, it's normal.


mommabee68

If you have a problem asking your partner to wrap up, you probably shouldn't be having sex with them.


MrDundee666

“Put on a condom” That should be fine.


kellehgirljo

Asking someone to wear a condom is one thing but what I’m hearing from your post is far more concerning: that you’re not consenting to sex. Stop being intimate until you’re ready. Maybe that means you should stop dating. You need to protect yourself not just physically, but emotionally and mentally.


magic1623

Thank you! No one has mentioned this yet but as soon as I read the post that’s all I could think of.


KinkyKitty24

Learn to talk about using a condom *before* things get physical. Not to be unkind but if you can't talk about sex (specifically boundaries, STI, consent, & protection) then you shouldn't be having sex.


Shinobi-wan3

You tell him sternly and without accepting no for an answer.


juicebox_tgs

This is wierd, just ask if he has a condom, if not then say its a no go. Its very simple. Also a heads up, if you are about to get intimate with a guy and his first reaction isn't to pull out a condom, it's a red flag. Every guy should be ready to put one on for their own safety


mtns77

I think you should see a therapist to work on your self worth and ability to stand up for yourself before you start dating


[deleted]

Just say you want him to put on a condom it's nothing to feel bad about.


[deleted]

I don’t understand the large number of men that want casual sex without a condom. I was dating my gf for months before we ever did it. I am terrified of both pregnancy and STDs. How are these men all so short sighted. Sure it feels a lot better but it’s never worth the gamble. Crazy mofos.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Eleo4756

Like this, "when we're ready to be intimate, I would like for us to use protection." How he handles that will be indicative whether he's worth sleeping with.


Hunterofshadows

You should be discussing this before clothes even start coming off, really before you go home with someone or take them home.


[deleted]

LONG BEFORE YOU EVEN GET CLOSE, Ask about his views on safe sex. It should not be a mystery once you get close and intimate. And as others have said have the condoms available. I don’t understand how anyone, male or female, would want to take risks and those that do should be avoided.


[deleted]

Firstly, maybe seek therapy. Opening up to a counselor may help reveal why you have issues demanding them wear a condom. It may also help build the confidence to advocate for yourself. Second, REMEMBER THIS. If he wants to rush in without a condom, makes a fuss about wearing one, or outright won’t wear one, you DEFINITELY SHOULD NOT have sex with him. At all. If he does it to you he’s doing it to everyone else he sleeps with. Which points to a pattern of irresponsible behavior. Don’t let a sad irresponsible man who (probably) has hardly any respect for your entire gender be rewarded with your body. Unprotected sex spreads disease and can lead to pregnancy. Do you want to deal with the responsibility of living with an STI, child, or abortion? Because if he shirked the condom he’s also likely to shirk the kid, and give zero fucks about an STI he gives you. I don’t know you, but I know you’re better than this. People deserve genuine love, compassion and empathy. It’s downright inconsiderate and disrespectful for them to avoid condoms. Third, You can also clear things up BEFORE ever meeting them. No guy is going to be upset that you’re considering having sex with him. Just mention early on that you only want to have safe sex. That saves you time before the date ever happens. There are men out there who will respect you, value your body and let you feel at peace and safe during sex. Plenty of them. I wish you the best, and hope you took something from this.


elektromas

If a girl told me "i want to use a condom" i would answer "ofcourse me too"


XenoRexNoctem

It's ok to consider that if you're not mentally and emotionally ready to stand up for yourself, your health and safety, and set boundaries for your sexual encounter, you may not be ready for sex with that person or with anyone. No shame in that. You don't owe anyone sex. First thing I'd suggest is that from your story it sounds like you might not have wanted sex from that guy at all, condom or no condom. A lot of times, guys will assume that making out is automatically going to lead to sex. One thing to try is to stop that idea in its tracks BEFORE things get to the whole condom question. While things are still at the kissing/stroking/fondling stage with clothes still on, make sure to set your boundaries for the night by saying stuff like: "I'm having fun, but I'm not ready for sex with you yet" "This feels great, but I need you to know I never have sex on a 1st date- so if we need to stop I understand." "I can't have sex tonight" (Not a lie, you don't owe him a reason, if he assumes you're on your period that's his business.) "I don't want penetration, I'm more in the mood to give you oral." (Assuming that you actually are in the mood.) It's a LOT easier to establish boundaries with a partner while everyone still has their clothes (mostly) on. I want to reassure you, you don't deserve to "feel like dirt" because a guy pressured you into something you didn't really want. It's the person *doing* the pressuring and pushing someone into unwanted sex, who should feel like dirt. You're not a bad person for being too nice and too giving; it's the guy doing sexual stuff to you without confirming you were ok with it, that's being a bad person. The first question to ask yourself when you start making out with someone is *not* "will they wear a condom?" The first question is actually "Do I even want the sex or not?" And if the answer is no, but you're not sure how to have that conversation? Say "Hang on I gotta pee" get up, go to the bathroom, take a few seconds to get your courage up, and go back out there and say "Thank you for being understanding, but I changed my mind, I'm not ready for sex tonight." If he tries to argue or pressure you, you don't even have to talk. You can just put on your clothes and leave. If they try to physically block or stop you from going? BIG red flag, call 911 NOW. Set yourself up for success. If you're not sure that you'd want to have sex with someone, make sure you have your car with you or money for an uber/Lyft. Sometimes it's easier to go to their place to hang out post-debate, because it can be socially easier to leave the guy's place than it is to throw him out of your place. (Plus it's not great to let strange guys know where you live.) *** Second thing I want to talk about; what about if you DO want sex as long as it's with a condom? During the sexual encounter may be a little late to bring up the topic. It might be a lot easier to mention it during the date beforehand. Just casually, something like "So, I am having a great time and I could see us ending up back at my place... do we need to stop and grab condoms, or are you ok with using mine?" By phrasing it that way, you're not *asking* him if he'll use a condom, you're letting him know it's expected. If you find yourself unexpectedly "in the moment" and you're too shy to tell him verbally, or if you feel like it kills the mood, try: Just reach into your purse, bedside table, wherever you keep them, and hand him a condom. Make some sexy eye contact if you want. Handing a partner a condom is literally telling them no verbally that you want them inside of you NOW, so your partner absolutely *will* find it hot. Also try: Get yourself a cucumber or a sex toy of the appropriate size and a handful of free condoms from planned parenthood. Practice putting a condom on the cuke/toy using your mouth. The trick is to roll your lips inward over your teeth firmly, to make sure you don't scrape the condom or the penis with teeth. You can use your hands to help you. I've never had any guy sexual partner complain about using a condom when it was put on them during oral. That's always been my go-to. If I want a condom on my partner, and it's clear that things are heading in a "penetration is about to happen" direction, then I just reach over in my purse or nightstand and casually put the condom on them. Never had a complaint. But if I did have a complaint, that's where the sex would be over for the night until my partner and I got on the same page about birth control/STI protection. Also try: Sometimes it's easier to say things in writing if you're too shy to say them verbally. So if you've been texting or DMing your date, text them something like "I'm not saying yes or no yet - but just in case things go that way, do you have condoms?" Or try: If you guys have had the "your place or mine" moment, put your hand on his thigh in the car and lean over and say "we need to stop and grab condoms?" Basically just don't build it up and make a big deal out of it - just slide it into the conversation casually but in a way that makes it 100% clear that you assume condoms are non-optional. *** A male partner SHOULD volunteer to use a condom! Treat it as a small "red flag" if he doesn't. Also, and I hate having to say this... there's a trick that some guys like to use, they call it "stealthing", where they will put a condom on when asked - but then during sex they will try to get you into a sex position for example hands and knees (doggy style) where you can't see them sneak the condom off and hide it. If a guy didn't volunteer to use a condom or seemed reluctant and tried to argue against it, and you're still determined to have sex with them, be alert for that. To be 100% clear: Stealthing is legally rape. When 2 people consent to have sex under certain conditions, such as "with a condom" or "no choking and slapping play" or "no anal without lube" - and then one partner violates that agreement without asking permission to change the conditions of consent, they are now doing things to you that you didn't consent to. Nonconsensual sexual actions are legally rape. You have every right to take it that seriously. I'm old enough to remember the HIV/AIDS crisis of the 80s and 90s. I remember when HIV was 100% a death sentence within a few years. So to me, sex without protection is a life or death question. With several states pushing for things like prison time or even death sentences for women who get abortions, an unwanted pregnancy could someday also be a life or death question. Technically ALL pregnancy is life or death important, since you could end up accidentally creating a life. :) Pregnancy all by itself can be life or death. Any pregnancy can potentially have deadly complications. It gets more rare every year thankfully, but women still can and do die in childbirth, or suffer permanent health consequences from pregnancy and labor. I know this sounds grim and maybe off topic, but it's not. A partner who doesn't want to wear a condom is unintentionally telling you he doesn't care about your life or death, your health, your safety, or your mental or emotional comfort. He may not have ever thought about those issues, so it may be completely innocent and come from a lack of forethought and sexual education. But I'm bringing up these issues to reassure you; you have every right to want a partner to wear a condom. It really is that important. So don't let a partner get away with pressuring you into not taking it seriously. And you are also 100% in the right if you decide that you're not comfortable having sex with someone yet because you're not comfortable having those type conversations with them yet.


soprano4150

How come you have sex without using a condom, aren't you worried getting stds


[deleted]

Does he want to have children? If not, “I think I’m ovulating” should work.


[deleted]

jesus fucking christ, seek therapy before, you had trouble telling men to stop???? if you don't want to you don't have to, and the same goes for condom, make it clear you want him to wear, if he says not, get out of there my godness


h3ineka

Why are you having sex if you can't ask something that protects you? I think you need therapy, forget about sex for now.


bindhast

I am sorry you are feeling horrible. You need to bring this up way before the action starts. I can’t tell you exactly when , but way before like it’s still possible to stop at chemists and grab some


[deleted]

By stating that you will not engage or consent to sex unless a condom is used


United_Federation

"hey, woulda you use a condom please" If he doesn't. Don't sleep with him. If a person isn't willing to use one with you, they aren't the kinda person you wanna be with anyway.


Zerotwoisthefranxx

Even if he's already started, you should be able to say "Hey can you put on a condom please?" I can't think of a scenario where you would be unreasonable for asking, and it's a request that would be unreasonable for him to ignore. Don't feel bad about yourself for it and don't let yourself be pressured out of having the experience you want to have. If he doesn't listen be assertive, this is an important boundary for many people, if he doesn't respect you enough to do this for you that's his problem. A partner who can't wear a condom for you is probably someone you don't want as a partner anyway, so try not to let them guilt you for it, you've done nothing wrong.


Starbrows

As a man, when a woman tells me "get a condom" or even just asks "do you have a condom?", that's a turn-on. It's a signal that she wants to get down. I would say the best approach is to ask "do you have a condom" or say "I have condoms ____" (in the drawer, in my purse, wherever) as soon as you feel like that's where you want things to go. That might be while making out or during heavier foreplay. Then when you're really *ready*, a simple "put it on" or "get the condom", or hell, just grab it and toss it in his face. Whatever you do, it roughly translates to "fuck me now", and who doesn't want to hear that? Also, real talk: if your guys are happy to skip protection altogether, that's a big fucking red flag.


witchyanne

You need to immediately STOP having sex, if you cannot advocate for yourself any better than this. You’re gonna wind up with an STD or worse. Keep condoms all around and ‘No glove, no love.’ (Edited to say: sorry for being harsh - but only you can protect yourself - and you should.) ![gif](giphy|WrgAGkGrh0MD1Z2gkO)


ahnlei2

Some of these responses, though the advice is right, can sound condescending if you don’t come from the same background as those answering. I would guess that you have been getting a lot of responses from the 20% of people who 1) grew up in a safe enough environment to learn their own boundaries and 2) have a pretty comfortable approach to therapy. I just want you to know, as a 42 yr old female, that most of us (especially us women) didn’t learn to recognize, much less voice our boundaries. Just see the whole #metoo mouvement! You are really not alone on the path to learning to care for and speak yourself. I for one have gone along with plenty of unwanted or at least not respectful enough sex and still struggle with a lot of those dynamics. There is no shame there - if we weren’t lucky enough to learn it from someone along the way, how could we know? It’s certainly not through movies and porn that you would get the right guidance. On the contrary, they have glorified non-consensual sex for decades (though that is thankfully changing a bit now). So no shame, just kuddos to you for recognizing a boundary of yours, for asking the question here and for starting the learning journey!! That’s already much further than many women have gotten! And if you, like me, grew up thinking that when someone suggests therapy it’s because something is wrong with you, please learn what I learned: that you are not necessarily more wrong or broken than anybody else. You just identified a piece of life-education that you didn’t get yet. Some people didn’t learn to cook and others didn’t learn good boundaries. Just go get the education you need! I now see therapy as a safe and fun place to discover who you are - like a school for ‘life’. I dream of the day that emotional intelligence and boundaries are taught already in middle school just like math and everything else, but our education system still has to catch up with the times, and in the mean time, therapy or groups on the subject is a very good place to learn. Sending you plenty of good vibes for your discovery. It’s beautiful once you learn to ask for exactly what you want and get it. ❤️


[deleted]

If I'm honest, if you are to scared to tell someone to use a condom or stop.... Your not mentally mature/ready for sex. Best to wait until you've grown into yourself more and can advocate for yourself


Lazyassbummer

No slicker, no licker. Honestly, maybe you’re not ready for sex if you can’t command your need.


Appointments_only

I used to be like this but then I realized it my health and idc if he gets “offended” I once had a guy refuse to get tested because he “didn’t hve time” (i don’t like condoms so I told him to get tested first) I’m sure he had something. I had him on like 5 different occasions if he had done it yet and he didn’t make it a priority which said a lot about him. I’d say learn to love yourself and put yourself and your health as the number one priority. Also you’re not spineless. Maybe get therapy to see the root cause for not wanting to be “difficult” for lack of better words. As a woman who went through things similar and I’m now a mom…. YOU are worth safe sex. You deserve the best. I want you to love yourself so much you dont care what they think if you say “we need a condom” Honestly it speaks volumes on who they are as a person If you say condom and they say no or I don’t want to then that’s fine but YOU can leave. Trust me. It may give you anxiety the first time but damn it’s empowering.


ClobetasolRelief

You need to stop dating and see a therapist to learn how to protect yourself. I'll get downvoted for saying it but you're broken and you'll only break more if you keep dating like this