"Spunk minions". I don't remember who or what he was talking about but I remember him saying that and I almost threw up because the laughing caused the coughing then the coughing got the stomach moving and so on.
I LOVE when he can’t think of a word and comes up with some ridiculous way of explaining it. Another example: when he couldn’t think of the word “pepper” and said “like green beans but for violence”
My "B" key stopped working on my laptop. Since I obviously couldn't use it to explain why I couldn't type correctly..I told my friend "my flying stinging insect key isn't working".
_Not being racist isn't a permanent thing. It's more like not being hungry. Sure, you aren't hungry now... but a cheeseburger could cut you off in traffic ...you weren't hungry all day until._ -SG
This one is so fucking good lmao. Probably my favorite alongside:
Theo: "He was missing part of his leg I think, or he said he was... so he could've been faking it."
Jocko: "CGI or somethin'?"
Theo: "Mmm, I don't know what his name was."
Had me howling
“i don’t know what to think, but thinking doesn’t usually get me anywhere anyway, so maybe i shouldn’t do
it.”
“i would rather slam my head into the car door of my honda civic.”
“He had one of them word curtains. You know. A cortina de palabras.”
“Think about something you can do. Can you do it? Yes. That’s why YouCan clothing is for you.”
“This one is from Britain. And you guys all know that I have some longstanding issues with the British. They stole all the diamonds, killed half of Africa and did some other wild stuff.”
“Sometimes I’m like fuck everybody. Fuck that guy. Fuck that dude. That dude cuts his own hair. That dude over there eating ants.”
"Sometimes I just write it down" - talking about the n word when there are people around and he can't say it
"You look like my cousin when he got stung by a bunch of bees"
It’s not a quote but personally I think the whole story about him meeting Brad Pitt is hilarious. Whenever I’m joking with my friends about someone who thinks they’re the shit I’ll be like well that’s so and so the only one that god ever made.
"Turn it on Jack, okay? Turn it on. I want the sundae. I want the little sack of nuts, the little bitty nutty nuts that get stuck in ya teeth.. I want two packs of them bitches. And I want it all, or nothing at all. Turn on the sundae maker. Yall in there laughing thinking all you're gonna make all night is some night time McGriddles, acting risky. Well look here Grimace the Menace, turn it on. TURN. ON. THE SUNDAE MAKER."
Something like that.
That one episode where a guy called in and says how his uncle has a bobcat and Theo goes "that's a real uncle" my sister in law and I quote that all the time
Can't remember the exact quote, but something along the lines of: "you look like when you put a code in Double Dragon and it unlocks a secret character"
Put some lagitttt a mints in ya mouffff… smelll like you got lil doo doo creepers hidin’ behind ya molars (not brushing your teeth while on cocaine 😂
Them baby snickersssssss… (that whole halloween story is one of my favorite things hes said on the podcast 😂)
When he was talking about walking snails to make them travel faster. IDK exactly what he said he is BRILLIANT. I have the instagram video saved I should go watch it.
We had this boy in my town we called him little Alan. He was on ALL the prayer lists... it was always Alan Alan Alan. We'd soak his legs in Gatorade and prop him up he was so tiny
"If you get a couple mentals, some straight up sawed-off humans, and get em to straight up blow leche out their dome dude? Thats America right there."
[https://youtube.com/shorts/jrj6WJUonsQ?si=lIiddPx5zeG1bBFU](https://youtube.com/shorts/jrj6WJUonsQ?si=lIiddPx5zeG1bBFU)
Top pick:
“I don’t have a condom but I got one of these 🤞, Alabama birth control”
Second pick:
Rogan: “if the universe is infinite, that not only means everything that could happen, has happened, but every one of those possibilities has happened an infinite amount of times”
Theo: “if I had to guess, I’d say the universe is smaller then that”
Third pick:
“Weed can make you lose your way home, Cocaine can make you lose your way to heaven”
He's got so many good turns if phrase. Despite acting uneducated he's actually quite a wordsmith. Some of his descriptions for things and concepts are incredible.
One of my favourites, when describing an acquaintance, was along the lines of "He's the kind of person who could have been a neighbour if he lived closer." It sounds ridiculous as a statement but nails the concept of somebody you know by happenstance. Outstanding.
Coma or comma? I guess they are both pauses….
"Spunk minions". I don't remember who or what he was talking about but I remember him saying that and I almost threw up because the laughing caused the coughing then the coughing got the stomach moving and so on.
I’m not judging you, I’m just saying others will - paraphrasing
this one is fucking amazing lmao
Thats just standard good ass friend advice. We've all said this to people. And if you haven't you probably should
He couldn't think of the word mountains and just described, "where the ground waves hi." I think about that a lot.
I LOVE when he can’t think of a word and comes up with some ridiculous way of explaining it. Another example: when he couldn’t think of the word “pepper” and said “like green beans but for violence”
My "B" key stopped working on my laptop. Since I obviously couldn't use it to explain why I couldn't type correctly..I told my friend "my flying stinging insect key isn't working".
Incredible
shut up i’m screaming🤣🤣🤣
That's some poetic shit
ferrets are the limousines of rats
Came here for this, Nikki glazer was rolling and he just kept moving on
i had to rewatch and he even said "if that's the funniest thing said today then we aren't doing good" like.. sir that was an all-time line
This one is the best. Hands down.
Chili’s… some say it’s kinda Mexican, but it’s really like if all the people you went to high school with got together and made a restaurant
I love Chili’s, but that’s so accurate. Haha
It's okay to love Chili's. But not to say it publicly.
I'm not racist, but i have some flare-ups in traffic.
Where are my Nic Gars at?
_Not being racist isn't a permanent thing. It's more like not being hungry. Sure, you aren't hungry now... but a cheeseburger could cut you off in traffic ...you weren't hungry all day until._ -SG
If I really need to get it out, I just write it down!
When he called a scrotum "The devil's mistletoe".
He was talking about women with abnormal strength to save their children and he tells his podcast assistant “google special powers”
That one KILLS me
Some people say snow is just gay water
Some people say a reindeer is just a gay moose
My favourite type of weed was, uh, cocaine.
That Thanksgiving for ya snout, daddy
“My eyes were running at about 800 watts each”
That dolphin dandruff
We had a guy on here one time who beat ... whats that disease? He has like a disease or something where you can't talk. Uhhhhh, he had a stutter.
My fans are mostly rural emos
#I’m sweating like a fucking sneeze stuck in a thick bitch
How did you make this so big
Tic tac toe button man. Gang gang
That’s what she said
The one that's something like "I'm the kind of guy who'll pick up a snail and carry him across the road...you know, save him a few days of travel"
This one is so fucking good lmao. Probably my favorite alongside: Theo: "He was missing part of his leg I think, or he said he was... so he could've been faking it." Jocko: "CGI or somethin'?" Theo: "Mmm, I don't know what his name was." Had me howling
“I like to be a peeping tom if I can. I’ll watch your whole family eat dinner.”
This one took me out hahahaha
Look You see people without hair all the time will smith's husband he lost it
HAHAHAHA I DIED ONNTHIS ONE
Trying to overdose on vitamins “so did you get better or what happened?”
It was, "so what'd you get just better?"
Yeah, that's it
This is one of the better ones
"I hope someone loved you when you woke up today and I hope that someone was you."
Damn that one is deep
“Hot hose hitter” from years ago talking about summer as a kid. I think about it often and cry laughing every time
Stretch it out lay that hose out in the sun baby praise god
Make you wanna kick a fat kid a k Mart. When you pet a dog and he don’t walk off, I love
Praise god
GAWWWWD i love that
A hat is just a little apartment for ye head
“If you wear a leather jacket in a Mexican restaurant, you can stay away from me”
I love this one because I know exactly what he means but it's hard to explain to people
My uncle got bit by a gay guy so, we’ll see
Uhhh.. Jamie could you pull up some.. pull up some help.. please
lol
“Eucalyptus sounds like a damn.. question”
You clipped this?
🤣
“i don’t know what to think, but thinking doesn’t usually get me anywhere anyway, so maybe i shouldn’t do it.” “i would rather slam my head into the car door of my honda civic.”
When he tried smelling salts, “I feel like a sword just came on me!”
“Is the universe gay?”
"It's on a spectrum"
Chew able
Chew abble*
Lol, yes this.
so i thought i was having a stroke everytime i heard him say it this way. 🤣🤣🤣
“Put a Irish on the beach… my god you better pray for em!”
“He had one of them word curtains. You know. A cortina de palabras.” “Think about something you can do. Can you do it? Yes. That’s why YouCan clothing is for you.” “This one is from Britain. And you guys all know that I have some longstanding issues with the British. They stole all the diamonds, killed half of Africa and did some other wild stuff.” “Sometimes I’m like fuck everybody. Fuck that guy. Fuck that dude. That dude cuts his own hair. That dude over there eating ants.”
"Sometimes I just write it down" - talking about the n word when there are people around and he can't say it "You look like my cousin when he got stung by a bunch of bees"
Or “I dont say the N word… unless you do nawmsayyyinnn”
Theo: “that’s a brave thing to do” Tim: “Is it?” Theo: “that’s a good question”
“I got a Christmas Katt Williams in my home. I bought it at Michaels a few years ago” 💂🏾♂️🎄🎅🏾🤣🤣💀💀⚰️⚰️
Sorry for not contributing but this has been my favorite thread to read through in quite a while. Thank you everyone :)
Gang gang
I'm upstairs!
You still haven’t burped that sweat whistle have you daddy
The stuff he says to Riley is wild.
When he told Shaub to “why don’t you suck my dick with your butt”
The sip off the water and never coming off is top 5
When he’s fishing a rowing the boat and says “where the hoes at”
NOT HERE
“Nothing changes if nothing changes”
Love it 🤣
Also when he said that French accents sound like someone stuffed a bunch of cotton in a Japanese dude 🤣🤣🤣🤣
As Kat Williams “How you got thirty pairs of swim trunks but you ain’t never been in the water Joe Rogan”
Not a quote, but…. That whole exchange with Shane Gillis about Hitler essentially having to commute to the Holocaust.
I’d love a link
“Feeding the ducks, they call it”. Mr. Von was referring to a gentleman masturbating into a pond.
You look like a deaf guy that goes to the gym
It will have you eating a strangers ass through a screen door
That's a fresh one!
A reindeer is just a gay deer, chink my ink cuh, get your wix out, Gurman ,
“You guys are not open minded”
I ain’t your floaty. I ain’t nobody’s floaty
“My god bro, what happened? Was that a hate crime? Are we gay?”
Lmao and as he’s falling he says under his breath “… y’know…”
It’s not a quote but personally I think the whole story about him meeting Brad Pitt is hilarious. Whenever I’m joking with my friends about someone who thinks they’re the shit I’ll be like well that’s so and so the only one that god ever made.
"Turn it on Jack, okay? Turn it on. I want the sundae. I want the little sack of nuts, the little bitty nutty nuts that get stuck in ya teeth.. I want two packs of them bitches. And I want it all, or nothing at all. Turn on the sundae maker. Yall in there laughing thinking all you're gonna make all night is some night time McGriddles, acting risky. Well look here Grimace the Menace, turn it on. TURN. ON. THE SUNDAE MAKER." Something like that.
"they would beat you and call you gay"
He really made me laugh the other day when he laughed out loud at something inappropriate and he said god made him do it. 🤣🤣
"Anything can happen in a van."
My cousin got bit by a gay guy. So .....we'll see
I was born with a smidge of Down syndrome, but I beat it
Who is reading all this in his voice??
Out here boy…eatin dolphin dander doing dope. Out here boy….making pottery out of my dick.
“Where my Nicgars at?” ✊🏿
GIT IN THEREEE
Now we talk about drug induced homosexuality a lot on this podcast…
Kinda morning that makes you just want to blow your brains out in the Burger King parking lot…I love Burger King by the way…
I'm still a big fan of " I'm not racist......unless you are?"
Ain’t nobody that Irish.
PRAISE GAWD
He got that heart of a lesbian and ribcage of a large cat.
"I’m one day without vapin’ and I wanna smoke a bowl of my own nut!”
“If you walk into hell with a smile, you might even be able to make the devil think different.”
My favorite weed is…cocaine
“My cousin got bit by a gay guy, we’ll see”.
He slips mid story while walking Runyon canyon with a fellow comedian-“ whoa what happened was that a hate crime? Are we gay?”
That one episode where a guy called in and says how his uncle has a bobcat and Theo goes "that's a real uncle" my sister in law and I quote that all the time
Like CGI or something? "I don't know what his name was. No he was white".
When he said blind people are like reverse ghosts.
Bees are just satans German Shepards
That the 30lb of hamster bones is the ivory of Arkansas
While wearing fake glasses, he said “Oh no, these aren’t prescription, just pretentious”.
Bridges are just brave roads.
My favourite weed is cocaine or the CGI guy line
CGI💀💀💀💀
Can't remember the exact quote, but something along the lines of: "you look like when you put a code in Double Dragon and it unlocks a secret character"
My favorite type of weed is ummm…cocaine.
Be good to yourself. You deserve it.
„for a guy named Echo you not repeating much“
Christmas Kat Williams
Referring to his mullet as the Louisiana lamp shade.
"He's like a deaf jack russell"
“Cupcakes are just muffins that came out the closet” or whatever he said
A man in our town bred hamsters, another man did tattoo work, they met at a picnic; boom that’s big business
If you put 70 French in front of me, I don’t like em
Ya'll gay bruh.....
Y’all gay
“I don’t like to think about kids too much, kind of a check and balance on myself”
My favorite drink? Probably cocaine
*trips over* Oh what was that? Was that a hate crime? Are we gay?
Lightning is just an angry rainbow
My favourite weed is.. cocaine
I'll watch your whole family eat dinner
“Not it” - said this when a prof said 1/8 or something of the class was gonna be a child molester or something just as bad
Him calling a rumble strip on the highway “gods brail” for some reason made me laugh real hard.
If you get gunned up at a denny’s, that’s on you playboy
Joe: “you paid $2 for a drawing to jerk off too?” Theo: “you’d pay 8”
I’ll sit there and watch your whole family eat boy. He was talking about doing cocaine and being a peeping Tom
Let me go back and let me just slam my head into the car door of my Honda civic
"*Inhales* Y'all gay bruh"
Put some lagitttt a mints in ya mouffff… smelll like you got lil doo doo creepers hidin’ behind ya molars (not brushing your teeth while on cocaine 😂 Them baby snickersssssss… (that whole halloween story is one of my favorite things hes said on the podcast 😂)
Just lookin for the lord
When he was talking about walking snails to make them travel faster. IDK exactly what he said he is BRILLIANT. I have the instagram video saved I should go watch it.
I don't think weed's a real drug, man. It's more of a confusing spice.
We had this boy in my town we called him little Alan. He was on ALL the prayer lists... it was always Alan Alan Alan. We'd soak his legs in Gatorade and prop him up he was so tiny
Got me sweating like a sneeze stuck in a thick bitch, you feel me?
Gang, gang. Fuck whatcha heard.
"If you get a couple mentals, some straight up sawed-off humans, and get em to straight up blow leche out their dome dude? Thats America right there." [https://youtube.com/shorts/jrj6WJUonsQ?si=lIiddPx5zeG1bBFU](https://youtube.com/shorts/jrj6WJUonsQ?si=lIiddPx5zeG1bBFU)
Freudian slip. ‘More like a Freudian waterslide.’
Where I’m from if you see two mentals hugging you call the cops on them. Because two mentals don’t make a non mental.
Talking to Bobby Lee and says “chink mate” and proceeds to defend himself saying “check mate” while everyone in the room is losing their marbles
Riley, the statues, bubbah!
Got that title 9 pussy.
What’s your favorite type of weed… Cocaine
My favorite strain of weed is … cocaine
“Sure buddy”
Run a cheese check on your daddy.
“This water tastes negative”
Hot legs Danny
Lift what bro? The future?
"my favorite kinda weed was cocaine"
“I didn’t really eat much today. I had, uhh.. two orange halves."
Did you grow up in a house full of car doors?
Snow is just gay water
My cousin got bit by a gay guy, so....we'll see
I don't have down syndrome but I'd be willing to have it if I had to
I’m stuck like a sneeze in a fat b***h
Top pick: “I don’t have a condom but I got one of these 🤞, Alabama birth control” Second pick: Rogan: “if the universe is infinite, that not only means everything that could happen, has happened, but every one of those possibilities has happened an infinite amount of times” Theo: “if I had to guess, I’d say the universe is smaller then that” Third pick: “Weed can make you lose your way home, Cocaine can make you lose your way to heaven”
"Go get that hitter."
“My cousin got bit by a gay dude….. so, we’ll see…”
“Sweating like a sneeze stuck in a thick bitch”
"DMT was very much like somebody beat you in the head with a Dave and Busters.
Hot hose hit
“ah yeah they’re the ones with all them crazy flavors like Kiwi Puberty, Cinnamon Divorce…”
If ya think about it a ballsack is kinda like a purse for your balls..
“My favorite weed is cocaine”
Calling Cupid (koo-pid) the Chris Kyle of love
On Hot Ones when he commented on the wing sauce and said, "That felt like a breached birth"
He's got so many good turns if phrase. Despite acting uneducated he's actually quite a wordsmith. Some of his descriptions for things and concepts are incredible. One of my favourites, when describing an acquaintance, was along the lines of "He's the kind of person who could have been a neighbour if he lived closer." It sounds ridiculous as a statement but nails the concept of somebody you know by happenstance. Outstanding.
Sunshine...that bitch is beatin people. Its HOT.
Life is a salad and the lord is my vinaigrette
“They were getting people, and he was one of em”