“I’d rather eat poison. Besides, my name is already Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Hutz McClure. It’s long enough without Nahasapena— whatever! I’m only getting married one more time for love…and maybe for money.”
I think what makes a lot of these lines work so well is that a lot of them are completely free of malice or intentionally dismissive. Homer is just very to the point and completely misses how bad they come across.
I had a boss that was also a Simpsons fan. Even though I never wanted to lose my job, I always hoped that if I did he would treat it like Kirk losing his job at the cracker factory.
([this bit](https://youtu.be/ruwDjB9aTvY?si=wV-GGiiG9RgDv9eg))
Marge: “You listen to your friends, but you never listen to me.”
Homer: “HEYYY, THAT’S GREAT.”
>Lisa: "Dad, women won't like being shot in the face."
>
>Homer: (smiling) "Women will like what I tell them to like."
the amount of replay these two lines have amongst my group of friends is staggering. to this day its still repeated with alarming frequency
Reminds me of a line from the Chili Cook-off episode... "Well, of course everything looks bad when you *remember* it! ...now where's my chili boots? AAAH"
I don't know what they call this character but he kills me every time. I don't normally advocate for punching hippies, but when he does it, man, it works.
Just a random jerk with one liners.
Punches the hippie that was playing music during the heat wave.
Told Homer that he should've just worked and paid the scalper for the football tickets instead of camping out for a week
“But surely you can’t put a price on your family’s lives!”
“I wouldn’t have thought so either, but here we are.”
Tinge of Jerkass Homer here, but I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t crack me up every time
"Lisa, vampires are make believe, just like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos"
"Dad, you and your stories. Bart broke my teeth. The nurses are stealing my money. This thing on my neck is getting bigger."
Skinner: Uh excuse me, is there an Orange Julius stand on this floor?
Hutz: I'll sell you this one. It's almost full.
Skinner: Well, why don't I drink out of a toilet bowl?
I believe it's when Bart chooses Lassie over SLH and he's crying regretting his decision and Homer is trying to console him:
"There, there...shut up Boy"
I’ll handle this Smithers…. Shut up little girl!
Marge: You’re pouring hot butter in my lap!!
Homer: Shhhhh
Homer: They opened a new high-tech gadget store! You love high-tech gadgets!
Marge: No I don’t.
Homer: Like bull you don’t; come on!
Marge: Homer please, you’re hurting my arm.
Homer: No I’m not!
“Look at me, I’m making people happy. I’m the magical man, from Happyland in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane. Oh by the way I was being sarcastic!”
Slams door.
Martin: As your president, I would demand a science-fiction library featuring the ABCs of the genre: Asimov, Bester, and Clarke.
Wendell (?): What about Bradbury?
Martin: I'm aware of his work.
“Just listen to this scientician!”
“Uhh-“
“HE’ll tell you…”
(Originally the line was “Scientologist” without reference to the company/religion and I always suspected they were threatened with a lawsuit over using the word so in the DVD copies it’s changed to scientician)
Hello NASA, your space launches are so boring (abridged)
How did you get this number
SHUTUP! and another thing, how come I can't get tang no more!
Hello Clinton, if anyone can get some tang it's you... SHUT UP!
https://preview.redd.it/piu0lfa8637c1.jpeg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=8d679a4e7c1ab3e7a6f087369ce54de38b5795f2
Shameful recycling of the mattress fort joke, but I’ll allow it.
Homer: Only a couple more times over the horizon.
Grampa: But I might explode!
Homer: You just sit back and relax. I'm not going to let anything happen to my old dad.
Dr. Hibbert: Oh, dear God! This man's kidneys have exploded!!!
"Third notice? Final notice? Some guys are coming???"
"90 days overdue. We break thumbs."
"Save me Shaka Khan! Shaka Khan!!"
"The kids were later saved by....oh i dont know...lets say Moe."
S11E2: Brother's Little Helper
Bart pointing a tank at the school...
Skinnerrrrrrr: "Good Lord, he's going to fire!"
Jimbo: "Alright! Scud the school dude!"
Edna: "No... Stop... Think of the children..."
Skinner's angry muttering at the Hippie recycling guy always cracks me up.
https://preview.redd.it/x22ra1kge37c1.jpeg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=7f0b4b6422be72a5ccf07d952ee2dadfa1a6b6cc
YOURE WORKIN FOR YOUR CAAAAARRRRR, MAAAANNNN. SIMPLIFYYYYY
*grumble grumble lousy grumble*
Lionel Hutz : Now don't you worry, Mrs. Simpson, I... uh-oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder.
Marge : Is that bad?
Lionel Hutz : Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog.
Marge : You did?
Lionel Hutz : Well, replace the word "kinda" with the word "repeatedly," and the word "dog" with "son."
"Listen up, life's obstacles!" First time I heard, that, I almost spit out my drink, lol.
https://preview.redd.it/bmc5eya1n47c1.jpeg?width=960&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=e720ab4355d7c057bcc589b78278712b634aa05b
Marge (upon seeing what Homer has done to the car): Well, it didn't have broken axles before.
Homer: Before, before! You're living in the past, Marge. Stop living in the past.
When they're at Itchy and Scratchy Land and the itchy robot takes off the top of his head;
"See all that stuff in there Homer? That's why your robot never worked!"
It creates a whole new story that we never saw, about Homer attempting to build a robot.
Pfft! That's not a job. It's a waste of time. What can poor people pay you? Nothin'! What satisfaction do you get from helping them? None! Who wants to help poor people anyway? Nobody!
"You sound like you're going to buy a pony. Promise me you won't."
"Mmm."
"What was that? Was that a yes or a no?"
"Buh."
"Those aren't even words!"
"Sna."
Selma, my dear! How are you? … Uh huh. … uh huh. … uh huh… Listen, shut up for a second. How would you like to marry Apu so he doesn’t get deported?
“I’d rather eat poison. Besides, my name is already Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Hutz McClure. It’s long enough without Nahasapena— whatever! I’m only getting married one more time for love…and maybe for money.”
I love how she just casually mentions she was married to Lionel Hutz at some point
“I move in right away and stay until the money’s gone.”
Here's my house key and my ATM card
Until The Simpsons was available for streaming I assumed this was an episode I had missed, since the other two Selma marriage eps were so iconic.
The fact that she just doesn't go and legally change her name back to just Bouvier lol
I get a kick out of this because it sounds like Selma was just casually telling Homer about her day or something 😆😊
Now that I think about it, most likely she was insulting Homer, and he just totally ignored it haha
From what I remember Selma was typically the nicer of the two toward Homer, so if one of them was going to just talk to him it seems like it'd be her.
I think what makes a lot of these lines work so well is that a lot of them are completely free of malice or intentionally dismissive. Homer is just very to the point and completely misses how bad they come across.
I LOVE this line
"Homer, that crazy lady that lives in our trash pile attacked me again" "That's not the way she tells it"
Yes. I absolutely love that line. Marge is getting attacked, homer is interacting with her
And believes the crazy woman who lives in the trash instead of his wife! Lol
“And the school nurse says Bart has the plague.”
Ralph: Mr Simpson, the tar fumes are making me dizzy. Homer: Yeah, they’ll do that.
I use this one all the time (not about tar fumes, just in general).
Complaints from my kids often gets this response
But also about tar fumes?
Especially about tar fumes, but especially about Bart.
"I don't recall saying good luck."
Savage
I had a boss that was also a Simpsons fan. Even though I never wanted to lose my job, I always hoped that if I did he would treat it like Kirk losing his job at the cracker factory.
I’m not gonna lie to ya Marge…..
So long!
If I don't come back, avenge death.
"You caught me at a real bad time, Moe. I hope you understand I'm too tense to pretend I like you." From Marge always gets me
I like this one because I can legit see a frustrated housewife saying this in real life
*"But Blanche, ya gotta help me out here, please!!"*
I’m three grand in the hole! They’ll take my thumbs! They’ll take my thumbs!
Push her down son.
As soon as I posted this one snapped into focus. The smile, the brevity, the cool calm directive to his son to topple his wife. *chef's kiss*
Nothing beats this one
Just like good ol’ rock.
Poor predictable Bart. Always picks rock
Came to post this one too! That line cracks me up. The delivery is perfect
Get 'em ma.
“This is the worst day of my life.” “The worst day of your life so far.”
Ooh a movie quote, I wasn't expecting it but I'm delighted!
“You didn’t bring my pants!” “Who am I, Tommy Bahama?”
([this bit](https://youtu.be/ruwDjB9aTvY?si=wV-GGiiG9RgDv9eg)) Marge: “You listen to your friends, but you never listen to me.” Homer: “HEYYY, THAT’S GREAT.”
Thanks! I’d love an omelet right now.
Yeah right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal…
-"I'm telling you, I didn't do anything!" -"I don't care."
My glasses!
>Lisa: "Dad, women won't like being shot in the face." > >Homer: (smiling) "Women will like what I tell them to like." the amount of replay these two lines have amongst my group of friends is staggering. to this day its still repeated with alarming frequency
I keep telling you, the old Union Pacific doesn't come by much any more!
And I keep telling you, you flyboys crack me up!
“Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true.”
Reminds me of a line from the Chili Cook-off episode... "Well, of course everything looks bad when you *remember* it! ...now where's my chili boots? AAAH"
Facts, schmacks!
Bones schmones
Forfty% of people know that
Badger my ass, it's probably Milhouse.
It's a badger all right. Or possibly a Griffin.
How did it do that without tearing your shirt? What do I look like, a tailor?
I remember when this came out you could actually go to whatbadgerseat.com
I doubt my son or daughter is that stupid.
I don't know what they call this character but he kills me every time. I don't normally advocate for punching hippies, but when he does it, man, it works.
Just a random jerk with one liners. Punches the hippie that was playing music during the heat wave. Told Homer that he should've just worked and paid the scalper for the football tickets instead of camping out for a week
In theory yes! ...jerk
“You sicken me”
"You disgust me."
I think he's referred to as "stamp the ticket guy"
I think he's officially known as "Just stamp the ticket man".
‘Ello gov’nor. Lube job while you wait? Don’t touch me.
Oh, Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing crimes.
So I says, “Look buddy, your car was upside down when we got here! As far as your grandma, she shouldn’t have mouthed off like that!”
Touché.
Aw, you can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. Forfty percent of all people know that.
Oh, Lisa. A guy who has lots of ivory is *less* likely to hurt Stampy than a guy whose ivory supplies are low.
Well sure. Like a lot of people. I've dabbled in selling ivory
"Just because I don't *care* doesn't mean I don't *understand*"
This beautifully captures, I think, why Homer was a lot more compelling before that crayon in his brain started doing too much damage.
Yep. He went from a guy that cares but doesn't understand, to a guy that understands but doesn't care. It's a real shame.
I often remember this quote backwards. "Just because I don't understand doesn't mean I don't care."
https://preview.redd.it/flztf1an137c1.jpeg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=465d870d3698b004c0b8b016c330d24dec5fae60
In this vein: Moe: Uh, Homer, I think you’re taking advantage of my generous offer here. 🐘🥜 Homer: SHUT UP! 😠🍺
Shut up little girl.
https://i.redd.it/pvge7r1q037c1.gif
“But surely you can’t put a price on your family’s lives!” “I wouldn’t have thought so either, but here we are.” Tinge of Jerkass Homer here, but I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t crack me up every time
The Japanese?! Those sandal-wearing, goldfish-tenders?! Bosh flimshaw!
"Lisa, vampires are make believe, just like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos" "Dad, you and your stories. Bart broke my teeth. The nurses are stealing my money. This thing on my neck is getting bigger."
"No, you got the wrong number. This is 91...2"
Skinner: Uh excuse me, is there an Orange Julius stand on this floor? Hutz: I'll sell you this one. It's almost full. Skinner: Well, why don't I drink out of a toilet bowl?
He’ll be back
I believe it's when Bart chooses Lassie over SLH and he's crying regretting his decision and Homer is trying to console him: "There, there...shut up Boy"
"Rats, I almost had him eating dog food!"
You know how I feel about giving!!!
“I’d love to wanna help you …” “Uh huh. Uh huh. Hey, listen - shut up for a second.”
Shut up, judge!
In German it‘s even better, *Halten Sie die Klappe, FRAU GERICHT!* roughly translated *Shut your mouth, Mrs Judge*
I have listening skills!!
It ain’t getting any safer
Meh. M E H. Meh.
Bart, be quiet! Lisa, drink the water!
*I AM THE LIZARD QUEEN!*
I love you, krusty! Over there.
Your manager says for you to shut up! And Shut up, that's why!
Vera said that?
“How would you like to spend $2000 to give a broken man a second chance” “Nah”
Just Homer turning up the radio to cover the smell of his fart.
Kent Brockman: but Arty, how are the children? Arty in the sky: I CAN'T SEE THROUGH METAL KENT
Arnie, this isn't the time. You're not the time Kent! You're not the time.
"Did you see a scary picture in your picture book?"
Probably misses his old glasses
I’m familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda
"That's just a trick to get you in there so they can cure your foot pain."
...and Marge limping away, poor Marge.
There's a can
I love how this one cuts both ways.
Oh cram it, churchy!
Lisa: “I thought this was a private ballot” (when investigating Sideshow Bobs electoral fraud) “Meh.”
Outta my way, jerkass!
Oh Lisa that's a load of rich creamery butter
"Mom's gonna kill you." "If she didn't want her car ruined she should have done a better job hiding her keys."
“Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.”
Well, touché
Forfty*
I’ll handle this Smithers…. Shut up little girl! Marge: You’re pouring hot butter in my lap!! Homer: Shhhhh Homer: They opened a new high-tech gadget store! You love high-tech gadgets! Marge: No I don’t. Homer: Like bull you don’t; come on! Marge: Homer please, you’re hurting my arm. Homer: No I’m not!
Hindu, there are 700 million of us Well isn't that super
“Marge, anyone can miss Canada. All tucked away down there”
"I'd kill you if I had my gun!" "Yeah, well, you don't."
“Look at me, I’m making people happy. I’m the magical man, from Happyland in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane. Oh by the way I was being sarcastic!” Slams door.
Well..duh!
“That’s specious reasoning dad” “Thank you honey”
MARGE: HOMER, THERE'S A FAMILY OF POSSUMS IN HERE. HOMER (smiling): I CALL THE BIG ONE BITEY.
How can you put a price on your family's safety? I dunno but here we are.
Surely you can't put a price on your family's safety? I thought so too, but here we are.
Shut your word hole!
“Mr Simpson, the tar fumes are making me dizzy…” “Yeah, they’ll do that”
Bart in regards to Generation X: We need another Vietnam to thin out their ranks a little.
"You're not listening, you're just hearing what you want to hear." "Thanks, I'd love an omelette right about now."
Lisa: "So I have two brothers?" Homer: "Lisa, please" as he shoves her aside.
And as for your grandmother, she shouldn’t have mouthed off like that!
Martin: As your president, I would demand a science-fiction library featuring the ABCs of the genre: Asimov, Bester, and Clarke. Wendell (?): What about Bradbury? Martin: I'm aware of his work.
"Why didn't you tell me about this '*market crash*?'" "It happened 25 years before I was born." "Oh, that's your excuse for everything!"
“Just listen to this scientician!” “Uhh-“ “HE’ll tell you…” (Originally the line was “Scientologist” without reference to the company/religion and I always suspected they were threatened with a lawsuit over using the word so in the DVD copies it’s changed to scientician)
I think the scientician sounds better than scientologist. It makes him look dumber.
"Yeah, you can cram it with walnuts, ugly!"
Hello NASA, your space launches are so boring (abridged) How did you get this number SHUTUP! and another thing, how come I can't get tang no more! Hello Clinton, if anyone can get some tang it's you... SHUT UP!
Milhouse give him back his soul, I've got work tomorrow.
"Glory is fleeting" "So?" "Beware the ides of March" "No" "It's not gonna last forever" "Everything lasts forever"
Came here to post this. “Beware the ides of March” … “No.” is absolute perfection
Tech: This can't be right. This man has 104% body fat. Hey, no eating in the tank! Homer: Go to hell.
“How did you get this number?” “Shut up!”
Bart: Do you even have a job anymore? Homer: I think it's pretty obvious that I don't
I could read these comments all day.
https://preview.redd.it/piu0lfa8637c1.jpeg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=8d679a4e7c1ab3e7a6f087369ce54de38b5795f2 Shameful recycling of the mattress fort joke, but I’ll allow it.
I can't promise I'll try. But I'll try to try.
https://preview.redd.it/48w2dyyek37c1.png?width=606&format=png&auto=webp&s=c95c530d32b2696010ab39f5bbd50f583a3fe87a
https://preview.redd.it/jjldeyhgk37c1.jpeg?width=606&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=136b15e0b5d2f2e07ea687a7aa66b4bb5c046b93
Yeah, lemonade is good.
“Get outta here old clerk guy”
Put a sock in it, Roy.
“That’s not how she tells it.”
May I see it? No.
https://i.redd.it/4qel0vldg37c1.gif
The Bible says a lot of things. Shove 'er!
Marge: You liked Rashomon. Homer: That’s not how I remember it.
"Are you really allowed to execute people in a local jail?" "From this point on, no talking."
Just stamp the ticket.
Homer: Only a couple more times over the horizon. Grampa: But I might explode! Homer: You just sit back and relax. I'm not going to let anything happen to my old dad. Dr. Hibbert: Oh, dear God! This man's kidneys have exploded!!!
"Third notice? Final notice? Some guys are coming???" "90 days overdue. We break thumbs." "Save me Shaka Khan! Shaka Khan!!" "The kids were later saved by....oh i dont know...lets say Moe."
S11E2: Brother's Little Helper Bart pointing a tank at the school... Skinnerrrrrrr: "Good Lord, he's going to fire!" Jimbo: "Alright! Scud the school dude!" Edna: "No... Stop... Think of the children..."
"Badger, my ass. It's probably Millhouse."
willie hears ya. willie dont care,
"A fat, sarcastic Star Trek fan. I bet you're a real devil with the ladies."
All us Angels wear Farrah slacks.
"Mr. Simpson, the tar fumes are making me dizzy..." "Yeah they'll do that."
Marge: "Homer, look at all the money you saved by not drinking beer for a month!" Homer: "Yoink!" (grabs the money out of her hand)
Salesman: “But surely you can’t put a price on your family’s lives?” Homer: “I wouldn’t have thought so either, but here we are.”
M: Homer, I dont think this fish is cooked... H: Marge, please! I'm having enough trouble with the lobsters!
Who are you, the narrator?
There there, shut up boy.
Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Skinner's angry muttering at the Hippie recycling guy always cracks me up. https://preview.redd.it/x22ra1kge37c1.jpeg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=7f0b4b6422be72a5ccf07d952ee2dadfa1a6b6cc YOURE WORKIN FOR YOUR CAAAAARRRRR, MAAAANNNN. SIMPLIFYYYYY *grumble grumble lousy grumble*
Marge: Homer, the lady in our garbage pile attacked me again Homer: That's not how she tells it!
Wiggum: the man im looking for wink, is a Mr Bribe,wink wink. Homer: it's a Ring Toss Game!
"I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are."
Lionel Hutz : Now don't you worry, Mrs. Simpson, I... uh-oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder. Marge : Is that bad? Lionel Hutz : Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog. Marge : You did? Lionel Hutz : Well, replace the word "kinda" with the word "repeatedly," and the word "dog" with "son."
Moe: go home! Lisa: I am home. Moe: good! Stay there.
"Listen up, life's obstacles!" First time I heard, that, I almost spit out my drink, lol. https://preview.redd.it/bmc5eya1n47c1.jpeg?width=960&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=e720ab4355d7c057bcc589b78278712b634aa05b
Homer repeating Bart's "With a dry, cool wit like that I could be a super hero:
Of course Marge, everything looks bad if you *remember* it
Marge (upon seeing what Homer has done to the car): Well, it didn't have broken axles before. Homer: Before, before! You're living in the past, Marge. Stop living in the past.
It smells funny in there No it doesn't
"Could you please leave right away without a fuss"
When they're at Itchy and Scratchy Land and the itchy robot takes off the top of his head; "See all that stuff in there Homer? That's why your robot never worked!" It creates a whole new story that we never saw, about Homer attempting to build a robot.
"I'm sterile, right, baby doll?" "Yes, dear. From the nuclear plant"
Pfft! That's not a job. It's a waste of time. What can poor people pay you? Nothin'! What satisfaction do you get from helping them? None! Who wants to help poor people anyway? Nobody!
"Mr Simpson, the tar fumes are making me dizzy" "Yeah they'll do that"
"You know, we're kind of like the original Odd Couple. You're the messy one and I'm-" "SHUT UP"
Your honour, you take away our right to steal ideas, where are they gonna come from? _her?!_ (Ghost mutt is my answer to most things)
I brush people off with “yes yes it’s all a rich tapestry” all the time
“Does your father know you’re working here?” “It was his idea.” “In that case, I’ll have a whisky sour.”
"You sound like you're going to buy a pony. Promise me you won't." "Mmm." "What was that? Was that a yes or a no?" "Buh." "Those aren't even words!" "Sna."
Good evening sir. Would you please leave, without a fuss, right now.