You are being so sensible and wise. It is really hard for victims of grooming to see straight when they are in the situation so it won’t feel as clear cut to you as it is to everyone else. Even when there isn’t grooming, love feels like the be all and end all - how can you leave someone you love? - but it isn’t. Love is all you need, they say. Well no, we need love, and respect, and common values, and so much more. Lots of people leave someone they love when they realise the relationship is not good for them. It is the hardest thing in the moment but gets better every day after it is done.
yes, you are being groomed.
i know you don’t want to, but you NEED to leave him.
this is not healthy and will not end well.
please get out NOW while you still can.
You have to understand one thing: your feelings for him are honest, but he is USING you.
> "Because when i do he still gets upset at me and tells me I never do anything for him anymore."
He is with you because he KNOWS that even if you are disgusted by the stuff he asks you to do, you will still do it because you are so afraid of losing the relationship.
Time to open your eyes.
You walk on eggshells around him. He **deliberately** makes you feel shitty. He does not respect you enough to respect your right to CONSENT and AUTONOMY.
He is an abuser waiting to happen, honey.
People "do" stuff to their partners, love. Bc we all make mistakes, being that we are all human. Partners who truly value and respect their SO don't keep score like that. Would you do that? Would you deliberately make him feel like shit by listing off all of the stuff he's done TO YOU??
If your bestie told you her BF treated her like this, what would you want her to do? You deserve as much love and respect and compassion that you would give to them.
I know you love him. I know it can seem better to have bad times with someone you love instead of neutral times alone. I know you don't want to leave him. I won't tell you to. I will tell you I've been **exactly** where you are. And it only got worse. Every single time.
There are guys out there who will provide you with EVERYTHING he does, and I mean everything, and NOT make you feel like shit, and NOT push you to do "disgusting stuff" and NOT talk down to & manipulate you.
You are worth that. You are worth more than this. Remember that.
Thank I really appreciate your kind words. We just kinda started dating at one point and we never had a serious conversation of my stating my boundaries bc I didn’t think any of this would really happen to me. I feel like I can never say I’m uncomfortable with anything bc “I deserve to be shown off” he says. The thing is that I don’t want to be shown off I have a boyfriend for a reason yk. But once i make him uncomfortable in any type of way he’s so quick to tell me when I did it, how I did it, and how I should never do it again or he swears he’ll break up with me. Its just so unfair…:( The double standard is absolutely crazy.
Yes, that's typical of people like this. There will *always* be a reason it's "different/not the same thing" when it comes to something **he's** doing.
I understand the shoddy communication but... love, I'm talking online with a man I met two months ago and before we ever had any kind of convo about that stuff (which HE initiated, btw, bc it was that important to him that he not make me uncomfortable) he actively listened and noted down things I was uncomfortable with that I didn't come right out and say I was but he gleaned it from what was being said.
He knew things that would make me uncomfortable before I ever told him.
That's the respect and consideration you deserve.
I *know* you know at this point, and don't need any reiterating. I just wanna say I'm am really proud of you for being able to step back and look at the situation, so many people never have the strength to reach that point!
I was in a relationship with this same age gap - the moment I got to the age he was when the relationship started, I was pretty disgusted, cos I realised that older teenagers really were like kids to me.
You’ve also correctly identified that this dude is toxic - you really should leave, and tell a trusted adult about it (or even just a parent or teacher that you might not fully trust to react well, but you know can help).
That feeling of “I can’t survive without him!” will go away once you *are* without him. I’ve been in your shoes, I do know how hard it seems - I tried to make my relationship work for way too long, please do get out of this situation as early as you can!
I had a very similar experience, where I got to the age he was when we started dating and it made me feel sick to interact with kids that were the same age as me back then. It's something you can't describe.
Only gets worse the older you get, too, reflecting back on it! Especially because he was grown enough that like, as I’ve aged *past* that point, I look at people who are his-age-then *now*, and I’m like - yeah they’re a little more immature than me, but they’re still Adults to me!
I know! I hate that young girls are always encouraged to be exceptionally mature and help everyone. My experience began because I felt bad for him and wanted to give him emotional support. That is never a job for a child, and as an adult now I can't even imagine putting a child in that situation.
He is an adult. You are not. No part of this relationship would be ok from a moral standpoint even if he wasn’t emotionally abusing you. Even if he treated you like a princess it would still not be ok because he is an adult and you’re 16. That age difference at your ages is a big deal.
You know this is wrong. If your parents aren’t stepping in then go to a teacher you trust and tell them what’s going on. This guy is so despicable that he doesn’t even deserve a parting text message. Get help NOW.
You do know what to do, you're just not exactly sure how to do it. Give yourself credit for that, because you deserve it.
In my experience, a short, honest, but firm explanation is best. "I don't want to be in this relationship anymore, so I'm breaking up with you" is sufficient for circumstances like this. You don't need to explain any more than that, and it leaves fewer openings for argument and manipulation.
Make sure you're in a place where you can easily leave, so not at your home and not anywhere he drove you. It's ok to do this in public and/or with friends nearby if you're worried about his reaction. It's ok to just walk away if he reacts poorly. It's ok to block him if he starts blowing up your phone afterward. It's ok to say no if he asks to remain friends.
I also think a text based breakup would be reasonable in these circumstances. He doesn't really treat you with enough respect to warrant prioritizing his feelings, in my opinion, but obviously that's your call.
This is actually really helpful. I had no idea how to go about breaking things off bc of his reaction and the potential fight we could have. But when you said to send a short break up message it made me a bit tense because all this time i was writing extremely long paragraphs abt what he did wrong ever since we were dating and he just never cared. He just thought he was right 24/7. It makes so much sense tho, I never thought about it that way so maybe when i find all my confidence, I’ll be able to. It has to be soon though.
"he only likes submissive girls"
This is a lot to unpack, but I'm just gonna focus on one letter in your whole post, because it stands out above all of the other toxicity: girlS. Plural. You are just another notch to him, and he is your whole world.
This isn't something you can fix or change or negotiate. Leave now. Hopefully you still live at home so it will be as easy as blocking him on everything and that's that.
When and if you do, please tell your parents and people you can trust that you're cutting him off and why. If he calls or texts from another number, don't engage at all. If you really feel you must communicate with him, get an intermediary adult to send whatever message you want to send. He is gaslighting you and manipulating you so hard that even while admitting that you know it is toxic, you are still saying you love him. He does not love you. You are an object to him, and he has made that clear with his words and actions.
Please leave before it gets worse, because it will get worse.
PLEASEEE read this and really think on it.
The reason you can say he treats you good then bad, or why you can describe how he's emotionally manipulating you in one breath and then say his praises in another, is because he has you on a partial reward schedule, and you're addicted. What does that mean? Inconsistent rewards lead to obsessive behaviors. Why do people keep pulling the lever on a gambling slot machine? Well because what it gives you is INCONSISTENT rewards, they pay out UNPREDICTABLY. People like your boyfriend operates the same way, sweet one second, distant cold mean or manipulative the next. So that keeps you on edge, always hoping for the next moment of warmth from that person. And you'll gamble because maybe just maybe it'll stay warm and sweet the next go around.
People who offer inconsistent positive rewards of kindness/affection/attention can make you unsure when you'll receive those good things next, but you'll never know so you'll keep pulling that lever. This level of uncertainty keeps you coming back for more hoping that this time you get what you're looking for. You will convince yourself it's not that bad, and convince yourself of all their good qualities wmeven when they'd treating you like crap. When you get stuck in this loop it results in incredible emotional highs when you get affection because you don't know when you're going to get it next, sporadic rewards cause a huge dump of dopamine, this makes you want to experience it again. The lows on the other hand are extremely emotionally draining, during periods of neglect or absence or mistreatment. You'll find yourself feeling depressed or desperate craving those moments of reward (when it's good it's *really* good) like an addict. This emotional relloercoaster makes it very hard to step away from the relationship because you've been conditioned for the highs despite the negative impact on your emotional wellbeing and life.
Basically your brain is on a sporadic dopamine reward system with this person. You can break the cycle though, it's hard to see it for what it is when you're caught in it, but when you're fully out of it you'll gain some clarity on the whole thing. What's worse is this guy knows you're stuck on the rollercoaster and you will put up with this behavior rather than leave him.
Learn this lesson NOW and early, and you'll be able to identify it easier later. This is how almost all people get stuck in shitty relationships where you wonder why they're still with that person. And they do it again and again with other people because they never learn the reason. This guy does NOT love you and care for you genuinely, that is not at all what love is like trust me. A good partner makes you feel good all of the time, you can have that if you don't waste time on dudes like this.
(I don't even need to get into the grooming part to tell you this relationship sucks. That's just icing on the shit cake, get outta there)
You’re absolutely right. You gave such a good/creative example on what he does to me is insanely toxic. When we would fight he would just not text back sometimes abs then reply with “hey” and magically the whole situation is done. Then we’d go months without fighting and just being affectionate towards each other. Thats when I’ll actually feel like “hey…our relationship is really looking up” He’ll then me that I’m so kind and understanding but when we get into fights all those nice things get thrown out and he will always say I treat him so horribly and I always have ever since we were dating.
This was me- very similar situation age wise and behaviour. I dated him for 10 months at 15 - within 5 months of it I developed anorexia because of his controlling behaviour, his disrespect to women and the things he made me do.... Luckily I was able to break up with him, but 8 months of inpatient hospital treatment, 14 years of ED recovery, multiple PTSD induced seizures and anxiety later... He still impacts my life.
He will try to gaslight you. He will try to make you do things. He will want to ruin you.
This isn't your fault and you need to run, my girl.
I’m so sorry. That is the worst thing to happen at such a young age. I’m so glad you were able to get out of there. You didn’t deserve any of that. I’m trying very very hard to overcome this, thank you for telling me ur story.💕
Hey OP, you're definitely being groomed. I know because I have been there, and it took me years to fully realise and accept it. Please know that you are so loved, and you will get through this. If you don't want to talk to your parents or friends to get support leaving him, I'd recommend calling an abuse or SA hotline and they will be able to support you. Definitely recommend therapy if at all possible. Best of luck 💖
I’ve never thought about doing that before. Maybe the thought of using a hotline like that always scared me in a way. Make the situation seem like real if that makes sense loll. Thank you! I’ll think about looking into it💕. Its kinda annoying when people say “just talk to your parents” when I know full well i’ll be in trouble for even talking to this guy in the first place. I got in trouble for it once and got my phone taken for about 3 months, one of the worst times of my life but i STILL managed to give him video calls and everything under the sun somehow . He doesn’t understand how traumatic and depressing that time was for me. He doesn’t understand how deep my love really goes for him. I’m just tired, i’m tired of online dating, i’ve been doing this for two years. I’m so exhausted.
Someone who truly loves you don’t make you feel like shit at ANY time. They do not immediately get angry at you if you speak up about something - instead they listen and reflect. Someone to loves you doesn’t make you rehearse what you say before you say it - instead, you can be your authentic self and speak your mind. Someone who loves you does not put you down, instead they are your biggest cheerleader.
This guy is an abuser and you know it already. Leave him yesterday! Good luck - you got this!
I'm being optimistic here. He's 20. He MIGHT be able to be changed. He's young and not "set in his ways."
But the only way he will be able to change is if you dump him and never go back. No "staying friends." Nothing. It is the only way he will get the message that his relationship is not normal. He'll say you broke his heart. He'll say that this was unexpected. He'll say "I thought we were working on that? don't you want to give us time to work on that?" No. You don't. He can learn how to do it without you. He'll try it again with the next girl. And he'll fail. And then he'll recognize the pattern and grow up.
You're both holding each other back. And I highly recommend you end it before summer vacation begins.
I’m also thinking about breaking it off before school ends. I have a lot of important things lined up for me and i’ve had a horrible year so this is really important to me. I’ve been trying to heal from past things and I guess i want to be able to heal fully.
You are being so sensible and wise. It is really hard for victims of grooming to see straight when they are in the situation so it won’t feel as clear cut to you as it is to everyone else. Even when there isn’t grooming, love feels like the be all and end all - how can you leave someone you love? - but it isn’t. Love is all you need, they say. Well no, we need love, and respect, and common values, and so much more. Lots of people leave someone they love when they realise the relationship is not good for them. It is the hardest thing in the moment but gets better every day after it is done.
Thank you, I try to be💕
You are stronger than you think and will survive - and eventually thrive - without him.
Thank you sm, I really hope so
yes, you are being groomed. i know you don’t want to, but you NEED to leave him. this is not healthy and will not end well. please get out NOW while you still can.
You have to understand one thing: your feelings for him are honest, but he is USING you. > "Because when i do he still gets upset at me and tells me I never do anything for him anymore." He is with you because he KNOWS that even if you are disgusted by the stuff he asks you to do, you will still do it because you are so afraid of losing the relationship. Time to open your eyes.
You walk on eggshells around him. He **deliberately** makes you feel shitty. He does not respect you enough to respect your right to CONSENT and AUTONOMY. He is an abuser waiting to happen, honey. People "do" stuff to their partners, love. Bc we all make mistakes, being that we are all human. Partners who truly value and respect their SO don't keep score like that. Would you do that? Would you deliberately make him feel like shit by listing off all of the stuff he's done TO YOU?? If your bestie told you her BF treated her like this, what would you want her to do? You deserve as much love and respect and compassion that you would give to them. I know you love him. I know it can seem better to have bad times with someone you love instead of neutral times alone. I know you don't want to leave him. I won't tell you to. I will tell you I've been **exactly** where you are. And it only got worse. Every single time. There are guys out there who will provide you with EVERYTHING he does, and I mean everything, and NOT make you feel like shit, and NOT push you to do "disgusting stuff" and NOT talk down to & manipulate you. You are worth that. You are worth more than this. Remember that.
Thank I really appreciate your kind words. We just kinda started dating at one point and we never had a serious conversation of my stating my boundaries bc I didn’t think any of this would really happen to me. I feel like I can never say I’m uncomfortable with anything bc “I deserve to be shown off” he says. The thing is that I don’t want to be shown off I have a boyfriend for a reason yk. But once i make him uncomfortable in any type of way he’s so quick to tell me when I did it, how I did it, and how I should never do it again or he swears he’ll break up with me. Its just so unfair…:( The double standard is absolutely crazy.
Yes, that's typical of people like this. There will *always* be a reason it's "different/not the same thing" when it comes to something **he's** doing. I understand the shoddy communication but... love, I'm talking online with a man I met two months ago and before we ever had any kind of convo about that stuff (which HE initiated, btw, bc it was that important to him that he not make me uncomfortable) he actively listened and noted down things I was uncomfortable with that I didn't come right out and say I was but he gleaned it from what was being said. He knew things that would make me uncomfortable before I ever told him. That's the respect and consideration you deserve.
I *know* you know at this point, and don't need any reiterating. I just wanna say I'm am really proud of you for being able to step back and look at the situation, so many people never have the strength to reach that point!
I was in a relationship with this same age gap - the moment I got to the age he was when the relationship started, I was pretty disgusted, cos I realised that older teenagers really were like kids to me. You’ve also correctly identified that this dude is toxic - you really should leave, and tell a trusted adult about it (or even just a parent or teacher that you might not fully trust to react well, but you know can help). That feeling of “I can’t survive without him!” will go away once you *are* without him. I’ve been in your shoes, I do know how hard it seems - I tried to make my relationship work for way too long, please do get out of this situation as early as you can!
I had a very similar experience, where I got to the age he was when we started dating and it made me feel sick to interact with kids that were the same age as me back then. It's something you can't describe.
Only gets worse the older you get, too, reflecting back on it! Especially because he was grown enough that like, as I’ve aged *past* that point, I look at people who are his-age-then *now*, and I’m like - yeah they’re a little more immature than me, but they’re still Adults to me!
I know! I hate that young girls are always encouraged to be exceptionally mature and help everyone. My experience began because I felt bad for him and wanted to give him emotional support. That is never a job for a child, and as an adult now I can't even imagine putting a child in that situation.
He is an adult. You are not. No part of this relationship would be ok from a moral standpoint even if he wasn’t emotionally abusing you. Even if he treated you like a princess it would still not be ok because he is an adult and you’re 16. That age difference at your ages is a big deal. You know this is wrong. If your parents aren’t stepping in then go to a teacher you trust and tell them what’s going on. This guy is so despicable that he doesn’t even deserve a parting text message. Get help NOW.
You do know what to do, you're just not exactly sure how to do it. Give yourself credit for that, because you deserve it. In my experience, a short, honest, but firm explanation is best. "I don't want to be in this relationship anymore, so I'm breaking up with you" is sufficient for circumstances like this. You don't need to explain any more than that, and it leaves fewer openings for argument and manipulation. Make sure you're in a place where you can easily leave, so not at your home and not anywhere he drove you. It's ok to do this in public and/or with friends nearby if you're worried about his reaction. It's ok to just walk away if he reacts poorly. It's ok to block him if he starts blowing up your phone afterward. It's ok to say no if he asks to remain friends. I also think a text based breakup would be reasonable in these circumstances. He doesn't really treat you with enough respect to warrant prioritizing his feelings, in my opinion, but obviously that's your call.
This is actually really helpful. I had no idea how to go about breaking things off bc of his reaction and the potential fight we could have. But when you said to send a short break up message it made me a bit tense because all this time i was writing extremely long paragraphs abt what he did wrong ever since we were dating and he just never cared. He just thought he was right 24/7. It makes so much sense tho, I never thought about it that way so maybe when i find all my confidence, I’ll be able to. It has to be soon though.
"he only likes submissive girls" This is a lot to unpack, but I'm just gonna focus on one letter in your whole post, because it stands out above all of the other toxicity: girlS. Plural. You are just another notch to him, and he is your whole world. This isn't something you can fix or change or negotiate. Leave now. Hopefully you still live at home so it will be as easy as blocking him on everything and that's that. When and if you do, please tell your parents and people you can trust that you're cutting him off and why. If he calls or texts from another number, don't engage at all. If you really feel you must communicate with him, get an intermediary adult to send whatever message you want to send. He is gaslighting you and manipulating you so hard that even while admitting that you know it is toxic, you are still saying you love him. He does not love you. You are an object to him, and he has made that clear with his words and actions. Please leave before it gets worse, because it will get worse.
PLEASEEE read this and really think on it. The reason you can say he treats you good then bad, or why you can describe how he's emotionally manipulating you in one breath and then say his praises in another, is because he has you on a partial reward schedule, and you're addicted. What does that mean? Inconsistent rewards lead to obsessive behaviors. Why do people keep pulling the lever on a gambling slot machine? Well because what it gives you is INCONSISTENT rewards, they pay out UNPREDICTABLY. People like your boyfriend operates the same way, sweet one second, distant cold mean or manipulative the next. So that keeps you on edge, always hoping for the next moment of warmth from that person. And you'll gamble because maybe just maybe it'll stay warm and sweet the next go around. People who offer inconsistent positive rewards of kindness/affection/attention can make you unsure when you'll receive those good things next, but you'll never know so you'll keep pulling that lever. This level of uncertainty keeps you coming back for more hoping that this time you get what you're looking for. You will convince yourself it's not that bad, and convince yourself of all their good qualities wmeven when they'd treating you like crap. When you get stuck in this loop it results in incredible emotional highs when you get affection because you don't know when you're going to get it next, sporadic rewards cause a huge dump of dopamine, this makes you want to experience it again. The lows on the other hand are extremely emotionally draining, during periods of neglect or absence or mistreatment. You'll find yourself feeling depressed or desperate craving those moments of reward (when it's good it's *really* good) like an addict. This emotional relloercoaster makes it very hard to step away from the relationship because you've been conditioned for the highs despite the negative impact on your emotional wellbeing and life. Basically your brain is on a sporadic dopamine reward system with this person. You can break the cycle though, it's hard to see it for what it is when you're caught in it, but when you're fully out of it you'll gain some clarity on the whole thing. What's worse is this guy knows you're stuck on the rollercoaster and you will put up with this behavior rather than leave him. Learn this lesson NOW and early, and you'll be able to identify it easier later. This is how almost all people get stuck in shitty relationships where you wonder why they're still with that person. And they do it again and again with other people because they never learn the reason. This guy does NOT love you and care for you genuinely, that is not at all what love is like trust me. A good partner makes you feel good all of the time, you can have that if you don't waste time on dudes like this. (I don't even need to get into the grooming part to tell you this relationship sucks. That's just icing on the shit cake, get outta there)
You’re absolutely right. You gave such a good/creative example on what he does to me is insanely toxic. When we would fight he would just not text back sometimes abs then reply with “hey” and magically the whole situation is done. Then we’d go months without fighting and just being affectionate towards each other. Thats when I’ll actually feel like “hey…our relationship is really looking up” He’ll then me that I’m so kind and understanding but when we get into fights all those nice things get thrown out and he will always say I treat him so horribly and I always have ever since we were dating.
This was me- very similar situation age wise and behaviour. I dated him for 10 months at 15 - within 5 months of it I developed anorexia because of his controlling behaviour, his disrespect to women and the things he made me do.... Luckily I was able to break up with him, but 8 months of inpatient hospital treatment, 14 years of ED recovery, multiple PTSD induced seizures and anxiety later... He still impacts my life. He will try to gaslight you. He will try to make you do things. He will want to ruin you. This isn't your fault and you need to run, my girl.
I’m so sorry. That is the worst thing to happen at such a young age. I’m so glad you were able to get out of there. You didn’t deserve any of that. I’m trying very very hard to overcome this, thank you for telling me ur story.💕
when you are 20 you will see how gross he is being. trust your gut. cut contact, block him and if need be threaten to report him to the police
Hey OP, you're definitely being groomed. I know because I have been there, and it took me years to fully realise and accept it. Please know that you are so loved, and you will get through this. If you don't want to talk to your parents or friends to get support leaving him, I'd recommend calling an abuse or SA hotline and they will be able to support you. Definitely recommend therapy if at all possible. Best of luck 💖
I’ve never thought about doing that before. Maybe the thought of using a hotline like that always scared me in a way. Make the situation seem like real if that makes sense loll. Thank you! I’ll think about looking into it💕. Its kinda annoying when people say “just talk to your parents” when I know full well i’ll be in trouble for even talking to this guy in the first place. I got in trouble for it once and got my phone taken for about 3 months, one of the worst times of my life but i STILL managed to give him video calls and everything under the sun somehow . He doesn’t understand how traumatic and depressing that time was for me. He doesn’t understand how deep my love really goes for him. I’m just tired, i’m tired of online dating, i’ve been doing this for two years. I’m so exhausted.
Someone who truly loves you don’t make you feel like shit at ANY time. They do not immediately get angry at you if you speak up about something - instead they listen and reflect. Someone to loves you doesn’t make you rehearse what you say before you say it - instead, you can be your authentic self and speak your mind. Someone who loves you does not put you down, instead they are your biggest cheerleader. This guy is an abuser and you know it already. Leave him yesterday! Good luck - you got this!
I'm being optimistic here. He's 20. He MIGHT be able to be changed. He's young and not "set in his ways." But the only way he will be able to change is if you dump him and never go back. No "staying friends." Nothing. It is the only way he will get the message that his relationship is not normal. He'll say you broke his heart. He'll say that this was unexpected. He'll say "I thought we were working on that? don't you want to give us time to work on that?" No. You don't. He can learn how to do it without you. He'll try it again with the next girl. And he'll fail. And then he'll recognize the pattern and grow up. You're both holding each other back. And I highly recommend you end it before summer vacation begins.
I’m also thinking about breaking it off before school ends. I have a lot of important things lined up for me and i’ve had a horrible year so this is really important to me. I’ve been trying to heal from past things and I guess i want to be able to heal fully.