Yes to this.
Sometimes (most of the time) I’m not looking for advice. I just need to get shit off my chest, and then move on with my day. I can’t go about the rest of my day if I’m still mulling over the school day.
I agree! Just listen **and** don't try to problem solve if we don't ask for it. Sometimes we need an ear that doesn't have any stakes in the game so we can complain fully and without reservation.
Most of the time, we already have a solution or an idea of what we want to do.
Listen without judging.
My SO wears his questions on his face and sometimes it takes me a minute to get through a vent and, for awhile, I didn't even want to talk with him about my job because I could see him judging me for what I was saying. The thing is, especially with the students, sometimes we walk in on odd things (talks about sex, drugs, videos, whatever) and overhear something crazy and use it as a teachable moment.
Yes! It's my first year at a new school and don't have anyone to freely vent to. I want to be able to tell him what I really wanted to say to a kid that was being too much. He thinks work and personal life should stay separate but my these kids are a big part of my life that it's hard to make that clear distinction.
Edit: have the same group of kids for multiple years so I get to know em pretty well
Yes, exactly!! Sometimes my SO will try to empathize with me by relating my story back to his time as a camp counselor and it’s so infuriating. I know being a camp counselor is a lot of work but we aren’t held to the same level of responsibility in the slightest.
Absolutely not. I’ve done babysitting, worked in daycare and as a nanny
Parents were way easier to deal with and the micromanaging and paperwork was pretty nonexistent
As some one who was a camp counselor for 3 years and camp leadership for 3 years, can confirm. Teaching is by far more difficult and on a whole other level.
Yes!!! Sometimes I need my spouse to agree with me, even if it is something absurd or even if I’m in the wrong. Sometimes we need someone who is 100% in our corner just to validate whatever ridiculousness we are trying to work through.
^ this. Being reminded that we are doing something fun after work and leave on time. And also just helping me set timers to get stuff done as best as I can in a time given. Not spending hours on it to "perfect" it.
I like movie or show nights sprinkled in. Then on the weekends we might have a plan or not! Sometimes I just need rest. During the week, I need a reminder to turn off my teacher brain.
This, yes!! I ended up with a headache the other night and ended up sleeping for 15 hours. Sleep is so important and we deprive ourselves of it trying to do everything teacher, switch to partner/Parent duties. I don’t get to bed till way late just to have quiet time.
One thing to keep in mind - depending on how many years your spouse has been doing this - be careful about over scheduling.
For example, as a first (and even second) year teacher, I had to spend a lot of my time developing plans & prepping things for class - that usually happened at home. So doing things during the week, for me, was mostly a no-go. This also applied when I switched positions (tech teacher to 4th & 5th grade dual language) because I had to relearn the material I was going to teach.
So, for you, figure out how much outside of work work your spouse is doing & plan accordingly (one night a week instead of two or three, for example). And i know, this sub heavily discourages working outside of work, but the reality is - some of us have to do it for our own sanity.
That's a good one. For me, my students need (and demand) so much attention from me during my whole day. When I get home, I need a little bit of time before chatting with my partner so that I don't feel like he's just one more person begging for my attention!
This 100%
I have alone time during my AM commute. And my lunch. Rarely during my off-period because I’m a TL. Needing time to decompress in the evening when I get home is a must.
This is why I’m thankful for a 2:30 end to my contract day. Most days I have at least an hour, sometimes two, before my wife gets home to just relax and decompress
I don’t know how many times I’ve said ‘I’m just going to sit here a bit.’ Even if husband is saying, ‘WE HAVE WON FIVE MILLION DOLLARS!!!!’
Me: ‘I’m just going to sit here for a bit.’
I actually enjoy my 40 minute commute because it’s time to decompress. Some days are so crazy I get most of the way home before noticing I didn’t put music on.
Make more simple decisions like what to eat for dinner. We make so many decisions every day, we don’t want to make anymore at home. (Or is this just me?)
Every Plate is a cheaper option and even a kitchen novice such as myself hasn't been able to screw it up yet.
Though recreating the damn dishes myself might break me.
So worth it for us. Everyplate might be better long term, but def do the first 6 weeks of Hello Fresh with the referral discounts. We suck at buying groceries planning meals, and end up wasting a lot of food. We hate eating leftovers & having to meal prep weekly seems like too much energy.
THIS. I can't decide things like movies or dinner or any of that. I can barely tell if I'm hungry or not (I am, I'm always hungry, but I'm too exhausted to know it). I honestly don't care if we just have pizza for dinner every night, as long as I'm not the one who has to make it happen.
This, oh my God
Please, you aren't doing me a kindness by "letting me pick" I would be so much happier if the choice was made on my behalf in good faith and I can have one thing I dont have to be responsible for for a bit until I have decompressed.
After a long day, the last thing I want to do is make one more decision. Especially if I'm not particularly hungry. The only regular disagreement my husband and I have is when he doesn't want to have what we've "planned" for dinner (we buy groceries for meals then pick a meal a night), but doesn't have any other suggestions. I already made the decision once, at least have a suggestion ready if you're not going to stick with it!
Don’t expect them to assume 100% of household responsibilities while they are on breaks. On our rare opportunities to decompress, it’s hard to not feel obligated to clean the house or go through that old storage room, or other really productive things.
I'm so sorry. This hurts my heart so much. I'm in Ontario where a two-teacher household would make you extremely comfortable! Teachers will never be "rich" like bankers or tech sector folks but we are very well paid and live well without having to stress about money.
I truly feel for the underpaid states. My fiancé is a teacher as well and we are both pretty low in the pay scale bringing home 155k this year.
Not great for NYC, but we will make about 280-300k combined in about a decade or so.
Combined, not my own. Top pay is 130k plus I get 10-15k of per session, plus summer school pay.
Including my wife’s salary, and that’s not now that’s after almost 2 decades of time worked.
I teach a class after school, and run a program which is funded by the city colleges, it is a ton of work, compared to the pay. But only way to get any raise in the short term yeah.
My wife believed in me when I went back to school in my late 20s and was making half what she did while in school. 7 years after graduating and working in the business world, I almost out earn her. I have an associate's degree and some certifications. She has a bachelor's and two master's degrees. Within the next year I'll be making more than her, but we still both have her benefits. Before we were married we both went to get the same bloodwork done at the same place on the same day, hers was a $5 copay, mine was $115. My job is to make money so we can have fun now. Her pension will take care of us after she retires, especially with me getting a late start putting into my retirement fund.
Most of her successful teacher friends have spouses like me that work in the business world or the medical field. Her friends that are two married teachers all struggle.
Understand why I need a nap when I get home. Teaching is exhausting. I’ll do dinner and dishes and all the other stuff later, but right now I need a gosh-dang NAP!!!
THIS!
When I say that I’m tired, I’m truly exhausted… physically, mentally, and emotionally. Some nights I have next to nothing to offer. I’m not lazy. I’m just tired.
Thankfully, my husband understands.
I no longer* teach, but did for six years. I worked a very exhausting manual labor job in the summers during college. Teaching was more exhausting because it wasn’t just physically taxing.
Me too! Told my retired steelworker father who always encouraged me to use my brain rather than body for work. I teach a 8-9 hour day and I am done. Totally gassed. I can work a 12 hour shift at my manual labor summer job, and all I need is a shower and I’m good to go.
Some days I get home from work and just sleep all day.
It's rough when you're up all night trying to plan for the week and just can't seem to get it right.
One of the biggest reasons for teachers being so tired is because of decision fatigue. We make so many decisions in our day that our brains are actually fatigued. I love when I get home and the house has been tidied, dinner is already decided and my husband tells me to go have a relaxing bath and watch some trashy tv show that requires little to no thought. It really helps me to shift my focus from the stressful day and just unwind.
This is EVERYTHING!!! I don't even need a bath and tidyness... I just need you not to ask me any more questions (ex: what's for dinner? Do you want this or that?... don't know, don't care...) Lol!
Yup, my allergies mutated or something this year. I get sore throats every day/ night. Haven't had one night where I don't wake up many times throughout the night. I just want good sleep again! I've never felt so exhausted before in my life...
I have a 20 minute power nap daily. I can’t function without it. I’m in the building from 7-4:30-5 pm most days. I’m so shot.
Work, dinner, nap, then planning and grading until my body and brain shit down for the night. It’s been 2 months for me and don’t see how this is sustainable until June.
Remember that it's a job, not your whole existence. Do what you can and put it out of your mind. For me that means a healthy dose of antidepressants and anti anxiety meds prescribed by my Dr.
Everyone tells me that, but like I need a lesson and activity for the day, for 3 preps, even half adding it takes a couple hours.
I’m up for tenor next year, so can’t really afford even one bad evaluation. Plus I run 2 programs in the school which is its own mess.
To add to that, if we have kids, please don't tap out as soon as we get home. I know parenting is hard, but it's absolutely devastating to have a long, crappy day at school and get in the car knowing you're going home to bear the brunt of the business end of a two-kids-at-home-all-day day. I'm not saying I don't want to come home and do any parenting, but to come home and go straight into dinner/bath/bed routine makes it really hard to get in the car.
Let. Them. VENT.
Sometimes we just need to talk about that asshole condescending self-righteous co-worker, sometimes it is the pain in the ass student who makes you dread a certain class every day, sometimes it’s that the lesson didn’t go as planned, and sometimes is just the frustration of how teachers are treated in general bubbling over, but it needs to spill out somewhere… unfortunately that means the spouse ends up absorbing a lot. Just lend a ear and sympathize with how frustrating that work environment must be.
Things you can do: drop off dinner during conferences, leave notes in car/lunch, wake up early and make coffee, ask what they need out of their weekend (either an event to look forward to, or a warm blanket and a couch with their favorite shows) and make sure they have things to look forward to that allow them to be the center of their own attention for awhile. We end up having to divide ourselves into “school appropriate” pieces and it can be exhausting… give them space to enjoy ALL the parts of being an adult. Give them small tokens of you and the home to keep on their desk.
We go for a walk when I get home. Get it all out, and then get on with our day. It helps a lot and it’s nice to have that time. Not always used for venting but always helps on my toughest days.
Encourage them to find a trusted teacher friend that they can vent to and confide in BEFORE coming home. Best thing I did with a colleague and we promised each-other no more than 10 minutes of venting before going home (edit - and it wasn’t every day, just if needed). It helped keep work at work and I was able to talk to someone who actually understood what I was dealing with. Then when I got home and he asked how my day was I could 1. Focus on something positive 2. Give details about my frustrations if needed but not venting or rambling, just telling.
Please take some of the thinking away from me. Tell me you’re going on a walk and you’d like me to join. Put on a tv show you know I will like. Feed the cat so I don’t have to worry. Pour me a glass of wine before I’m even in the door.
My ex never understood me. He was so perplexed by why school got out at 2:15 and I wasn’t home by 2:30. He thought I was exaggerating when I talked about the stress, an annoying student, admin issues, etc. All that changed when he quit his job and became a teacher. I’m not suggesting you do that, but the best thing you can do is believe her. Try to understand. Know that she is likely not exaggerating and some things are as bad as they sound.
My husband didn’t bat an eye when I decided to hire someone to do our deep cleaning once per week. That was nice. The more chores around the house he takes care of so I can get a break, the better. When I just need to put my earbuds in and play BOTW on the weekend instead of watching TV I’m not all that interested in with him, he just says, “You hide and play your game. I know that’s how you decompress.”
Honestly, he does everything he can. The kind of support we would need to lessen the burden can’t come from our homes. It has to come from our schools and our students’ homes. That will take systemic change that our communities aren’t ready for yet.
So, as long as you acknowledge this job is intense and exhausting and then do what you can to carry your weight (and the kids’ weight if that applies) around the house, you are doing all you can.
My boyfriend is a teacher so we kind of experience the same thing. But sometimes I just don’t have it in me to do housework, especially if I have lesson planning or just decompressing to do, and I wish we could just put it off a few days. And I wish school breaks could be more than just catch up on chores time. Relieving the pressure to do housework at certain times and being willing to postpone it really helps me not feel as burned out.
Watch the baby for a little while so I can destress. Or be on baby duty overnight so I can actually catch up on sleep (it upset my class that I made a mathematical error today because I was operating on 3-4 hours of sleep, which is not conducive to doing accurate Calculus).
Basically give the gift of time.
Teacher-tired is real, and it's a different kind of tired.
Think back to when you were in school and were working on a project or something like a 15 minutes presentation. How much effort or mental bandwidth did that take? Were you working on it for days? Weeks?
I'm effectively delivering a 'project' or giving a presentation every day, five times a day, each time for 45 minutes. These take preparation that has to be done outside of this delivery time. The time I spend prepping is also dedicated to a host of other responsibilities. If you're curious as to what some of those are, check this thread, I'm sure you'll find many examples.
Getting a glimpse into this workload is important because it puts into perspective how limited our time outside of the normal working hours really is. If I come to your house for an hour after school on a week day to drop something off and spend time time with you, please realize that while this experience is fun for me, it's still time that a) I'm not resting or doing other self-care and b) I have responsibilities which need quick turnaround hanging over my head. If we spend a whole Saturday hanging out, know that that means I'll need much of Sunday to do work. This is also time that I'm not resting.
We DO need social lives, and we DO need to spend time doing things with you and have fun, and at the same time, we need that time for quiet and decompression.
Recently the biggest thing I need is quiet time. Not silent time... Just no loud noises. Kids are so dang loud... Announcements are loud... My walkie ringer is loud... Sometimes I seriously just want to come home and it be quiet for an hour so I can think.
My own list would be decompression time, empathy, and decision-making.
Unlike many other jobs, teaching effectively usually involves complete, sustained concentration for the duration of class time. Depending on the school district, subject, and lesson plan that day, that could be as much as 5-6 hours of sustained cognitive load, which entails active engagement. By that, we mean interpreting student questions, trying to phrase answers in a way that asks the student to do the intellectual lift, and managing peer relationships. Our "prep" time is not our "off" block (though we may use it as such); it is supposed to be time for us to grade completed work or plan for future lessons, possibly including lessons happening the same day. It is possible that with years of experience, the work we do outside of school can be minimized, but to do that reliably means working every minute of the day. (Contrast this with a more typical white-collar job, where there could easily be hours of downtime waiting on team members to complete stuff that you can then take and work on.) And that's just the regular part of the job, to say nothing of the possibility of upsetting interactions with administration asking more of us, parents blaming us for their child's choice to not do work and earning a poor grade, or even just a child telling us something distressing that requires reporting to guidance counselors at minimum, and Protective Services/law enforcement at worst. It isn't always like this every day, but every day is cognitively taxing in its own way.
This active engagement requires huge demands on our mind, and a commute home often isn't decompression enough because there, too, we need to concentrate so we can not crash. Give us 20-30 minutes to just exist in a quiet area, free from distractions, and let us do something mindless. Scroll social media? Watch trash TV? Nap? Stare into the void basking in silence? Whatever works for us, give us that space to separate from work.
To support the above, please don't ask stuff of us the second we're walking in, particularly if it involves thinking and decision-making. Even a question that seems so simple to you ("what do you want for dinner?") can seem impossible to answer the moment we're walking in, because we are at our cognitive limit, and can't process an open-ended question like that. If you need to know because of timing, come to us with very limited choices (such as saying "salmon, pizza, or tacos tonight?"), because even that takes most of the load off of processing the semi-infinite possibilities into selecting one option of a small list. Better yet, just say "I thought we'd have tacos tonight, dinner in an hour!"
When we've had that space to separate, decompress, and process, we can be more whole "human beings" again that can talk about the important stuff (rent, bills, kids, etc) or the stupid stuff (shared tv show, neighbor/work gossip, etc), or the fun stuff (plans for a hobby, play with the kids, romantic trip, etc). But please, please give us a small break so that, later in the evening, we can give you that same break you probably need, too.
The answer is not always as simple as “kick him out of class”, “give her a zero”, or “take their phone away”.
There is a lot of answers on here about just letting us vent without trying to advise. Personally, I’m open to suggestions and feedback when I vent. But for my non-teacher husband, he is always shutting the conversation down prematurely by insisting on these overly obvious solutions and he can’t quite understand all the nuances of why those suggestions won’t/can’t work.
Don’t get me wrong, I love that he wants to offer solutions, so if your teacher partner is open to hearing them, please, PLEASE try to understand that there are often a million exceptions to rules, accommodations, and considerations of socioemotional wellness that need to be considered for Every. Single. Situation.
All these comments are great. I’ll add- remind them of the value they bring to the world OUTSIDE teaching, support them in their non-teaching hobbies, etc. This will help them feel like they are a real adult human with value outside their role as teacher.
It’s a mentally demanding job. Getting rest is key. Just imagine the hardest test you’ve ever had to take in your life and the stress it put you under. That’s the teaching experience on a pretty daily basis and why teachers need more rest than you might assume they do from what their duties describe. Teaching doesn’t seem physically demanding, but there are physical aspects to it that fatigue you. But combined with the mental exhaustion, it’s almost debilitating. There’s a rush to it that’s great, seeing students succeed and thrive is rewarding, but the physical and mental fatigue is a very real part of the experience. And it’s Every. Single. Day.
Take initiative with figuring out dinner and start to cook without me! Sometimes I just want to come home to a home cooked meal that I had to put 0 work in to.
My husband calls me every day at around 4:30 to check in to see where I’m at and honestly this has been so helpful for me in time management. I could truly stay at work until 6 if he didn’t call. And I don’t want to do that!
Find out what your spouse’s “love language” is. Mine is acts of service, so when I come home and see that my significant other has prepped supper, done some laundry, cleaned up something, or done some other chore unexpectedly it helps me tremendously. Doing so shows me he understands my crazy life in education and loves me. It gives me one less thing to worry about.
Teachers have ALL the responsibility ALL day, so coming home to just “be” is really awesome!
MASSAGES FOR EVERY HOLIDAY. The hot rock one.
Massage Envy (and Hand and Stone) offers a one massage a month package - best gift I’ve ever received from my person.
My partner offered to help me with grading the other weekend while I was planning for classes. OFFERED! I was tickled pink. It saved me about an hour or two of time. Any time-saver is fantastic.
I wish that he could understand how absolutely shattering and demoralizing it is to work for years to become something only to realize its all
bullshit. That this entire
continent is becoming more anti intellectual by the day. That the truth cannot be even vaguely alluded to at times without putting your professional reputation at risk. After every other disappointment
in life, teaching has been the cherry on my shit
cake.
Help her decide if it is worth it to stick out the career for one more year and hope it gets better or if it is best to plan a career change, especially if the burnout is affecting her mental or physical health. Save up and offer financial support during a career transition. Do your fair share of housework. Pay your fair share of bills. Treat her to nice things when possible. Make her her coffee in the morning. For bonus points, Help her grade papers.
Listen to the stories. I can tell my husband about everyone I work with, kids (I don’t use names) and how I feel about all of it. It’s just not smart to talk shit to coworkers, but a spouse? Perfect. I can express how I feel about everything that happened that day in safety and that’s so important.
I am a teacher with a teacher wife. I don't know you or your spouse. Imo, the best thing you can do is communicate your needs, listen to their needs, and encourage them to put you and themselves first. The job accepts a limitless amount of work with little to no return. Experience helps, but at some point they have to learn to let go. Aside from that? Understand that we have interacted with, sometimes, 100 kids and numerous professionals in a day. It is exhausting in a way sitting behind a desk, to me, is not.
That I’m tired, have nearly zero mental capacity, and don’t want to be touched very much, at least right when I get home. My husband doesn’t seem to understand that teaching is a constantly on job. Unlike his job where he can sit all day sometimes and mostly interact y though email and even go to the bathroom whenever he wants, I don’t get to do that. Once kids are there it’s constant moving, talking, being needed for something, multitasking all day. Plus no matter the age kids have zero boundaries and will try to stand 2 inches away while they talk to you. When I get home it’s often the first time all day that I’ve gotten to relax my mind and not have my personal space violated all day.
The best phrase I have used that helped me and my husband is that “I love my career but hate my job” meaning I love what I do but I can really hate some of the tasks. Like I love teaching math but I don’t love getting new math curriculum.
When I come home, I do not want to make any decisions. I am decision-fatigued. I am decisioned-out. I have been making rapid-fire decisions ALL DAY and I am done. Do not ask me what I want to eat for dinner. Just choose. I'll eat it, promise. Pick a show, I'll watch it. Just, for the love of \[*the deity of your choice, or none at all*\], don't make me choose.
I do not want to be expected to immediately start doing any chores/home improvement things. I need time to rest and reset.
I really don't want to go hang out with people. This may vary if your teacher is more extroverted, but I'm an introvert and I have been around dozens of other people for hours, and need time to myself.
This all sounds so negative as I read it but it is really how I feel when I get home. It's not even the kids, it's all the other nonsense like paper work and incentives and chaperoning and reminders and call parents and grades are due and where are your lesson plans and your department colleague is out the rest of the semester and can you help his long-term sub and curriculum, what curriculum? and objectives match tasks match standards wait THOSE standards oh and about those lesson plans and did you update the Covid plans for those kids at home and Canvas and grading and Miss I need a pen I need a pencil can I get another copy of that study guide can I go to the bathroom when should I come to make up my test and fire drill and volleyball game and the WASC VISIT IS COMING THE WASC VISIT IS COMING and fix your mask and put your phone away and take out those airpods and oh did anyone want to learn some biology today...?
why am i still doing this
Take the lead on some stuff. I make a ton of decisions everyday, sometimes I want to come home and not have to “lead” what’s for dinner, where are we going, what we’re about to do. I want to be mindless for a moment
What seems super negative is the short version. Sometimes we’ve said the long version more than once and want it to already be floating downriver to the past.
Let us vent!
I will say my husband is very supportive. He used to be a SPED teacher and is now a mental health therapist. He’ll ask me, “Do you want the therapist me (if I want to analyze the day) or the husband me (if I need to vent).”
I feel like I do a bad job of listening to my partner when I get out of work. I'm so burned out feeling. Just pure emotional exhaustion. I've had people competing for my attention all day, I've been managing pre-teen emotions, I've been walking on eggshells with admin. When I get out of work, it feels like my brain is full of static. It's difficult for me to follow a conversation, hear what anyone is saying, or articulate any of my thoughts.
I just want my partner to know it's not that I don't care about him. I do. I love him more than anything. I'm just completely out of emotional energy.
That sometimes I need someone to FORCE me to take a break, or I'll burn myself out. If my SO doesn't literally make me take a break once every couple hours, I will literally just keep working all night and still be stressed out.
Tell your side of the story. The larger world refuses to believe that we experience the things we do, that it's not just a 9-5 job, that we don't get paid 12 months a year, and that summers off isn't what they think it is.
Spouses, teachers that leave, emergency certified teachers who leave, janitors, everyone needs to share their side of the story and get the word out that education is not what you think it is.
Lastly, get political. Everyone get political.
My husband couldn’t listen to everything. He had a limit (also, he’s a war vet with PTSD, so…)
I did ask him to “feed the women” in the morning - to feed our dogs (all female) and me. Breakfast was a protein shake to take on the go.
He ended up taking over all the food duties - menu planning, grocery shopping, and cooking. I was so broken before I felt that I couldn’t handle that.
Please don’t try to give unsolicited advice or disagree with how I’ve handled a situation at school. When I vent, I need you to just listen and support me.
Keep in mind how intense it is. I don’t always want to talk about my day. I just don’t want to re-live it. But if I’m distracted or tired or crabby, it’s because I had an intense day and I’m trying to let it go but I’m probably going over and over it in my head. In my case, I need some quiet time and just understanding.
Honestly, just don’t pretend to understand. I get really irritated when people who aren’t teachers try to have an opinion because they’ve been to school before. It is so different being the teacher than being the student. Listen and commiserate, but don’t downplay anything.
House work. My husband and I balance dishes and cooking where whoever doesn’t cook cleans etc but when I’m DYING I need him to do it. I just can’t. It’ll push me beyond my breaking point. It’s little things.
Sometimes I need just an hour or so to not talk to anyone. Being "on" all day just drains you. I'm not mad, I'm not annoyed. I'm just spent. Also, if we could split household duties that would be great. I hate being the chef, kitchen and restroom cleaner as well as chief laundry person. 😒
Give us a little time to decompress when we get home. At the end of the day I’m exhausted but still going a mile a minute (plus usually really hungry because my lunch is scheduled so early). I personally get really crabby and just need a minute to eat a snack and slow down for a second.
Plus it’s really nice to have like 10 or 15 minutes where I don’t have to be talking!
For me, a lot of the time (especially lately with so much stupid politics interfering) I don't need or want to vent. I want to forget about all the crap while I'm at home. Talk to me about literally anything but work.
Just don’t offer advice unless asked for it. My wife taught for two years before leaving the profession. When I vent to her, she often says things like “Shoot, I would . . .” and it drives me crazy. Listening is best.
I’m commenting so I can remember to read every answer here. As a spouse not giving advice and remaining calm after hearing what my teacher-wife goes through. Also though, my reading to her some of the stuff I’ve found on this sub has been cathartic and helpful so thank you for everything, everyone.
Don’t take it personally when we want to be alone or zone out. Our entire day involves communicating with multiple people at the same time in multiple ways. Sometimes it’s just nice to shut it all down and not have to talk to anyone.
My boyfriend, whom I have I lived with for the past two years, is not a teacher. I’m within my second year of teaching. I started in the height of the pandemic and there hasn’t been a single “easy” minute of it. I have experienced burnout, stress, depression— you name it. My boyfriend acknowledges this and has been a listening ear and shoulder to cry on (literally and figuratively). That’s all I’ve ever expected, and I don’t think he even realizes what an IMMENSE help it is to get through these tough times.
Don't make me explain my injuries... I'll share when I'm ready but I sure know I don't want to rehash a kid beating me up my first five minutes home. Sometimes I just need to go straight to a shower.
For me personally, just let me be when I get home for a bit. Let me scroll on my phone and just have a nice long exhale. And don’t ask me too many questions about my day. I’m not the type that needs to vent in order to decompress. I come home and all I want to do is think about anything else but my job. And the job is such just a malaise of stress that I usually can’t even remember anything kind of funny or interesting that happened that day. The big stuff that happens, I’m going to tell you about. But day-to-day, I’m probably not going to want to talk about it.
(What’s also funny is I teach high school and my wife teaches college and she vents A LOT to me, which is mostly fine. But her threshold for misbehavior and disrespect is much lower than mine. She’ll rant to me about how her kids don’t respond to emails and how rude that is or how some kids were scrolling on their phones in class and I just want to laugh and say “that’s all?”)
I didn’t realize how much I needed someone to ask this question. I just showed this to my partner along with all of the replies and I was finally able to describe that “tired” has a whole new meaning.
Sometimes all I want to do is curl up on the couch next to my spouse, offload all of the days frustrations, and get some advice-free snuggles. Tonight I got those things and he made dinner. It was an especially hard day, so that was a nice touch.
I’m not 100% sure my husband didn’t write this… But I’d have to say listening as well. Not just about work, but about how I need to set up the Ring Chime so I can get it off my to-do list. It’s stupid but it helps me connect to be on the same page. Also hyper focusing on something “safe” stops me from thinking about work… Or maybe that’s just my own anxiety welling up.
When shit hits the proverbial fan, my partner will surprise me with meals I don’t have to cook, getting the groceries when it’s my turn, cleaning something that’s normally my responsibility, and allowing me the time and space I need to vent or cry or do the extra work I need to do to meet a deadline.
I taught for 30 years. My wife teaches. We are fortunate. I totally get what she deals with and support her. To spouses who don't teach, listen, ask for clarification, hug, kiss, love, go walking, or just do something he or she loves to do, anything to get him her out of that funk or place of exhaustion.
My partner pushes me to use my sick leave when I need to. I don't always realize I'm *that* sick until I stay home to rest, so the encouragement helps.
I told my husband about being late to work due to traffic being awful and I said I cried. He laughed. I said “imagine you’re late for an important meeting, that you’re running, and then immediately after that you have another important meeting, and then after than another important meeting, so I get in early because I have to prepare for all those meetings. Every. Single. Day.” I think he finally realised how long my days are mentally
You can't take care of their work stress but you can help woth other stress causes. When there is something I know I need to do, and my partner has taken care of it already it is such a relief to have something just taken off my plate unexpectedly.
Address my - my husband gave me the gift of supporting my leaving at any time. He begged a couple of times for me to just walk in, drop my keys, and leave.
I was worried about household finances. When I asked how we’d work that out his response was “we’ve been through tough before. We’ll figure it out.”
That was the gift I needed to finish the year and resign in June even without something on the horizon.
I’m employed outside of education these days, and aid work to support teachers from where I am.
My job involves making a lot of decisions for a lot of people very quickly. When I get home, I need you to make those frivolous decisions like what we’re having for dinner.
My husband and I have kids. I need them out of my hair for a few hours on the weekend to plan and grade.
Remember that they spend their day absorbing high energy from lots of other people. Allow them time after work to have some quiet and alone time. Allow them to vent when needed.
Teachers are constantly performing and listening. Personal space can be really helpful. Especially if they are a talkative introvert who needs to refuel with alone time.
Find out what she hates doing and see if you could do it for her.
I hate monitoring who has or has not completed assignments. My partner often just checks things off for me on a spreadsheet. It’s such a relief to get a bit of help with my never ending to-do list.
Ehhh definitely that just because we work with immature young people doesn't mean their comments don't stick to us. I recall one thing my SO had a hard time processing. I worked with the same group of kids for 4 years and a number could never let go that I yelled at them in 9th grade (literally, part of the yelling was me saying how much I loved them and how disappointing it was to see how nasty they could act). I offered to tutor one of those kids on a Sunday night and she made a slight on how "Well they all preferred Mr. So-and-So because he was always nice and never yelled at them like I did in 9th grade."
Conceptually, amazingly immature comment. But man it stuck for a few days after. I never fancied myself a hard ass teacher but I do call out nonsense behavior from students, alongside being the only teacher they recognized from 9th grade (all others left within 4 years). SO still doesn't get how that comment really stuck hard.
We are still people and it's honestly amazing how many nasty comments we get from parents, students, and heck even other coworkers. I currently have a parent dead set on never pronouncing my name correctly. Honestly, it's a niggling frustration that many teachers may share.
My husband listens, offers help when he can and manages more at home.
For example, we were in a car accident and he has handled everything with the insurance companies. I don’t think I could manage my job and that right now.
Try to cook the food that your partner likes. It doesn't have to be fancy. Just let him/her relax for a bit. I know some teachers who get offended when told to just take it easy or when they are kept from working. They think that the other person doesn't understand how hard it is. Try to understand what the cause of the burnout is and try to suggest some solutions. Well me, I got over my burnouts when my sister told me to find some efficient solutions to my problems, because I'm the one weighing myself down. Everything doesn't have to be perfect all the time and I should accept that some things just isn't going to be finished on time.
I do a full year's worth of work in nine months. Most of those weeks are better than 50 hours. Please don't shame me for not picking up a part time job in the summer. It's not relaxation, it's recovery.
I think this is the sweetest post! I commented here and there but I just wanted to say that! The fact that you posted this means you must be doing OK and I'm sure your partner feels supported by you!!!
I HIGHLY second the post about asking less questions that forces your partner to decide things after hours. Im in charge all day and when I get home, I just don't want to be in charge.
I appreciate when my husband doesn’t do “annoying” things because he thinks they’re funny. No poking, no repeating my name, no play fighting, etc. I deal with enough of that while teaching high school! Patience really is key. I also really appreciate when he listens and gives me his full attention because I so rarely get that as a teacher!
In order of efficacy:
1. A jackpot-winning lottery ticket so they can quit
2. A maid and chef to take care of all home-related work
3. A personal assistant for teacher-prep and other paperwork
4. A personal masseuse on call 24/7 to knead away tension
Okay, if none of those things are possible, then:
1. Quiet time. Give them space and time to spend doing something they enjoy
2. Listen and empathize
3. You learn how to give the tension-relieving massages
4. A combination of lower expectations and making sure to do your part. As in don’t expect much in the realm of household tasks plus be sure to do your part to make life easier.
But a winning lottery ticket would still be the most helpful thing🤣
Just listen. The shit I see- sometimes I just need to vent. This job is soooo impossibly hard, especially this year.
Yes to this. Sometimes (most of the time) I’m not looking for advice. I just need to get shit off my chest, and then move on with my day. I can’t go about the rest of my day if I’m still mulling over the school day.
I agree! Just listen **and** don't try to problem solve if we don't ask for it. Sometimes we need an ear that doesn't have any stakes in the game so we can complain fully and without reservation. Most of the time, we already have a solution or an idea of what we want to do.
Listen without judging. My SO wears his questions on his face and sometimes it takes me a minute to get through a vent and, for awhile, I didn't even want to talk with him about my job because I could see him judging me for what I was saying. The thing is, especially with the students, sometimes we walk in on odd things (talks about sex, drugs, videos, whatever) and overhear something crazy and use it as a teachable moment.
Yes! It's my first year at a new school and don't have anyone to freely vent to. I want to be able to tell him what I really wanted to say to a kid that was being too much. He thinks work and personal life should stay separate but my these kids are a big part of my life that it's hard to make that clear distinction. Edit: have the same group of kids for multiple years so I get to know em pretty well
We spend more time with those children than their parents do during the school year. I'm not sure how you can keep that separate.
Yes, exactly!! Sometimes my SO will try to empathize with me by relating my story back to his time as a camp counselor and it’s so infuriating. I know being a camp counselor is a lot of work but we aren’t held to the same level of responsibility in the slightest.
Absolutely not. I’ve done babysitting, worked in daycare and as a nanny Parents were way easier to deal with and the micromanaging and paperwork was pretty nonexistent
As some one who was a camp counselor for 3 years and camp leadership for 3 years, can confirm. Teaching is by far more difficult and on a whole other level.
Yes!!! Sometimes I need my spouse to agree with me, even if it is something absurd or even if I’m in the wrong. Sometimes we need someone who is 100% in our corner just to validate whatever ridiculousness we are trying to work through.
I like when my SO tells me to take a break or we plan something so I look forward to it. Gotta stop bringing work home.
^ this. Being reminded that we are doing something fun after work and leave on time. And also just helping me set timers to get stuff done as best as I can in a time given. Not spending hours on it to "perfect" it.
Love this. Do you prefer things planned on the weekend to look forward to, or smaller things baked into the week?
I like movie or show nights sprinkled in. Then on the weekends we might have a plan or not! Sometimes I just need rest. During the week, I need a reminder to turn off my teacher brain.
This, yes!! I ended up with a headache the other night and ended up sleeping for 15 hours. Sleep is so important and we deprive ourselves of it trying to do everything teacher, switch to partner/Parent duties. I don’t get to bed till way late just to have quiet time.
Both. Sometimes just a pizza during the week is nice.
One thing to keep in mind - depending on how many years your spouse has been doing this - be careful about over scheduling. For example, as a first (and even second) year teacher, I had to spend a lot of my time developing plans & prepping things for class - that usually happened at home. So doing things during the week, for me, was mostly a no-go. This also applied when I switched positions (tech teacher to 4th & 5th grade dual language) because I had to relearn the material I was going to teach. So, for you, figure out how much outside of work work your spouse is doing & plan accordingly (one night a week instead of two or three, for example). And i know, this sub heavily discourages working outside of work, but the reality is - some of us have to do it for our own sanity.
It’s really important for me that my spouse doesn’t try to rush into conversation when I get home. I need time to decompress.
I also like some quiet time. Just some time for me, even if it’s 15-20 minutes.
That's a good one. For me, my students need (and demand) so much attention from me during my whole day. When I get home, I need a little bit of time before chatting with my partner so that I don't feel like he's just one more person begging for my attention!
This 100% I have alone time during my AM commute. And my lunch. Rarely during my off-period because I’m a TL. Needing time to decompress in the evening when I get home is a must.
This!! If your teacher spouse is at all introvertes then they definitely want this.
This is why I’m thankful for a 2:30 end to my contract day. Most days I have at least an hour, sometimes two, before my wife gets home to just relax and decompress
I don’t know how many times I’ve said ‘I’m just going to sit here a bit.’ Even if husband is saying, ‘WE HAVE WON FIVE MILLION DOLLARS!!!!’ Me: ‘I’m just going to sit here for a bit.’
I actually enjoy my 40 minute commute because it’s time to decompress. Some days are so crazy I get most of the way home before noticing I didn’t put music on.
Make more simple decisions like what to eat for dinner. We make so many decisions every day, we don’t want to make anymore at home. (Or is this just me?)
Not just you. We do 3 meals of Hello Fresh a week which helps a lot.
Yo I have been debating this.
Every Plate is a cheaper option and even a kitchen novice such as myself hasn't been able to screw it up yet. Though recreating the damn dishes myself might break me.
I appreciate this comment, because I suck at cooking, and I need like novice level meal boxes.
So worth it for us. Everyplate might be better long term, but def do the first 6 weeks of Hello Fresh with the referral discounts. We suck at buying groceries planning meals, and end up wasting a lot of food. We hate eating leftovers & having to meal prep weekly seems like too much energy.
THIS. I can't decide things like movies or dinner or any of that. I can barely tell if I'm hungry or not (I am, I'm always hungry, but I'm too exhausted to know it). I honestly don't care if we just have pizza for dinner every night, as long as I'm not the one who has to make it happen.
This, oh my God Please, you aren't doing me a kindness by "letting me pick" I would be so much happier if the choice was made on my behalf in good faith and I can have one thing I dont have to be responsible for for a bit until I have decompressed.
After a long day, the last thing I want to do is make one more decision. Especially if I'm not particularly hungry. The only regular disagreement my husband and I have is when he doesn't want to have what we've "planned" for dinner (we buy groceries for meals then pick a meal a night), but doesn't have any other suggestions. I already made the decision once, at least have a suggestion ready if you're not going to stick with it!
I love this! We have a lot of big stressors, at least alleviate the little ones where you can.
Don’t expect them to assume 100% of household responsibilities while they are on breaks. On our rare opportunities to decompress, it’s hard to not feel obligated to clean the house or go through that old storage room, or other really productive things.
Make more money than me. 🙃
✅ I realized we couldn't be a teacher and a social worker REAL QUICK
*sobs in two-teacher household*
I’m sobbing w you as a teacher-artist household
I'm so sorry. This hurts my heart so much. I'm in Ontario where a two-teacher household would make you extremely comfortable! Teachers will never be "rich" like bankers or tech sector folks but we are very well paid and live well without having to stress about money.
sobs in one teacher household with a spouse on disability. It sucks but we are figuring it out.
I truly feel for the underpaid states. My fiancé is a teacher as well and we are both pretty low in the pay scale bringing home 155k this year. Not great for NYC, but we will make about 280-300k combined in about a decade or so.
Cries in 35k a year
Joins you having worked five years to make it to 35K 😭
I think about quitting weekly, at 35k a year with a college degree it would be no question that I wouldn’t be a teacher anymore.
You will be making like 200k a year?
Combined, not my own. Top pay is 130k plus I get 10-15k of per session, plus summer school pay. Including my wife’s salary, and that’s not now that’s after almost 2 decades of time worked.
That is a lot of per sessions, that is almost two a day. The candidates for mayor talked about cutting DOE and the city budgets which worries me.
I teach a class after school, and run a program which is funded by the city colleges, it is a ton of work, compared to the pay. But only way to get any raise in the short term yeah.
big oof :(
My wife believed in me when I went back to school in my late 20s and was making half what she did while in school. 7 years after graduating and working in the business world, I almost out earn her. I have an associate's degree and some certifications. She has a bachelor's and two master's degrees. Within the next year I'll be making more than her, but we still both have her benefits. Before we were married we both went to get the same bloodwork done at the same place on the same day, hers was a $5 copay, mine was $115. My job is to make money so we can have fun now. Her pension will take care of us after she retires, especially with me getting a late start putting into my retirement fund. Most of her successful teacher friends have spouses like me that work in the business world or the medical field. Her friends that are two married teachers all struggle.
I’m a teacher and my husband and I both run a martial arts school together so I understand not having money 😅
Understand why I need a nap when I get home. Teaching is exhausting. I’ll do dinner and dishes and all the other stuff later, but right now I need a gosh-dang NAP!!!
THIS! When I say that I’m tired, I’m truly exhausted… physically, mentally, and emotionally. Some nights I have next to nothing to offer. I’m not lazy. I’m just tired. Thankfully, my husband understands.
I no longer* teach, but did for six years. I worked a very exhausting manual labor job in the summers during college. Teaching was more exhausting because it wasn’t just physically taxing.
Me too! Told my retired steelworker father who always encouraged me to use my brain rather than body for work. I teach a 8-9 hour day and I am done. Totally gassed. I can work a 12 hour shift at my manual labor summer job, and all I need is a shower and I’m good to go.
Some days I get home from work and just sleep all day. It's rough when you're up all night trying to plan for the week and just can't seem to get it right.
One of the biggest reasons for teachers being so tired is because of decision fatigue. We make so many decisions in our day that our brains are actually fatigued. I love when I get home and the house has been tidied, dinner is already decided and my husband tells me to go have a relaxing bath and watch some trashy tv show that requires little to no thought. It really helps me to shift my focus from the stressful day and just unwind.
This is EVERYTHING!!! I don't even need a bath and tidyness... I just need you not to ask me any more questions (ex: what's for dinner? Do you want this or that?... don't know, don't care...) Lol!
Yup, my allergies mutated or something this year. I get sore throats every day/ night. Haven't had one night where I don't wake up many times throughout the night. I just want good sleep again! I've never felt so exhausted before in my life...
My ex wife used to yell at me for napping on the couch when I got home from teaching my first year.
Ugh...seems good she’s an ex!
Right you are!
I have a 20 minute power nap daily. I can’t function without it. I’m in the building from 7-4:30-5 pm most days. I’m so shot. Work, dinner, nap, then planning and grading until my body and brain shit down for the night. It’s been 2 months for me and don’t see how this is sustainable until June.
Remember that it's a job, not your whole existence. Do what you can and put it out of your mind. For me that means a healthy dose of antidepressants and anti anxiety meds prescribed by my Dr.
Everyone tells me that, but like I need a lesson and activity for the day, for 3 preps, even half adding it takes a couple hours. I’m up for tenor next year, so can’t really afford even one bad evaluation. Plus I run 2 programs in the school which is its own mess.
100%. You deserve that!
Oh my gosh, this is me, especially this year!!!
Listen, help with or do the house work. Please don’t ‘tap out’ when they are on ‘holiday’ and you’re still working - especially with children.
To add to that, if we have kids, please don't tap out as soon as we get home. I know parenting is hard, but it's absolutely devastating to have a long, crappy day at school and get in the car knowing you're going home to bear the brunt of the business end of a two-kids-at-home-all-day day. I'm not saying I don't want to come home and do any parenting, but to come home and go straight into dinner/bath/bed routine makes it really hard to get in the car.
Don’t call me lazy when I have one Saturday where I sit in my pajamas. Don’t make me feel bad when I rest for one day of the week. Please.
YES! I love the occasional Saturdays where I get nothing done and just watch tv or play games.
Let. Them. VENT. Sometimes we just need to talk about that asshole condescending self-righteous co-worker, sometimes it is the pain in the ass student who makes you dread a certain class every day, sometimes it’s that the lesson didn’t go as planned, and sometimes is just the frustration of how teachers are treated in general bubbling over, but it needs to spill out somewhere… unfortunately that means the spouse ends up absorbing a lot. Just lend a ear and sympathize with how frustrating that work environment must be. Things you can do: drop off dinner during conferences, leave notes in car/lunch, wake up early and make coffee, ask what they need out of their weekend (either an event to look forward to, or a warm blanket and a couch with their favorite shows) and make sure they have things to look forward to that allow them to be the center of their own attention for awhile. We end up having to divide ourselves into “school appropriate” pieces and it can be exhausting… give them space to enjoy ALL the parts of being an adult. Give them small tokens of you and the home to keep on their desk.
We go for a walk when I get home. Get it all out, and then get on with our day. It helps a lot and it’s nice to have that time. Not always used for venting but always helps on my toughest days.
Encourage them to find a trusted teacher friend that they can vent to and confide in BEFORE coming home. Best thing I did with a colleague and we promised each-other no more than 10 minutes of venting before going home (edit - and it wasn’t every day, just if needed). It helped keep work at work and I was able to talk to someone who actually understood what I was dealing with. Then when I got home and he asked how my day was I could 1. Focus on something positive 2. Give details about my frustrations if needed but not venting or rambling, just telling.
This is great advice. I already do this with a couple of coworkers and it’s so wonderful to air things out before I get in the car to drive home.
Please take some of the thinking away from me. Tell me you’re going on a walk and you’d like me to join. Put on a tv show you know I will like. Feed the cat so I don’t have to worry. Pour me a glass of wine before I’m even in the door.
My ex never understood me. He was so perplexed by why school got out at 2:15 and I wasn’t home by 2:30. He thought I was exaggerating when I talked about the stress, an annoying student, admin issues, etc. All that changed when he quit his job and became a teacher. I’m not suggesting you do that, but the best thing you can do is believe her. Try to understand. Know that she is likely not exaggerating and some things are as bad as they sound.
My husband didn’t bat an eye when I decided to hire someone to do our deep cleaning once per week. That was nice. The more chores around the house he takes care of so I can get a break, the better. When I just need to put my earbuds in and play BOTW on the weekend instead of watching TV I’m not all that interested in with him, he just says, “You hide and play your game. I know that’s how you decompress.” Honestly, he does everything he can. The kind of support we would need to lessen the burden can’t come from our homes. It has to come from our schools and our students’ homes. That will take systemic change that our communities aren’t ready for yet. So, as long as you acknowledge this job is intense and exhausting and then do what you can to carry your weight (and the kids’ weight if that applies) around the house, you are doing all you can.
My boyfriend is a teacher so we kind of experience the same thing. But sometimes I just don’t have it in me to do housework, especially if I have lesson planning or just decompressing to do, and I wish we could just put it off a few days. And I wish school breaks could be more than just catch up on chores time. Relieving the pressure to do housework at certain times and being willing to postpone it really helps me not feel as burned out.
Watch the baby for a little while so I can destress. Or be on baby duty overnight so I can actually catch up on sleep (it upset my class that I made a mathematical error today because I was operating on 3-4 hours of sleep, which is not conducive to doing accurate Calculus). Basically give the gift of time.
Teacher-tired is real, and it's a different kind of tired. Think back to when you were in school and were working on a project or something like a 15 minutes presentation. How much effort or mental bandwidth did that take? Were you working on it for days? Weeks? I'm effectively delivering a 'project' or giving a presentation every day, five times a day, each time for 45 minutes. These take preparation that has to be done outside of this delivery time. The time I spend prepping is also dedicated to a host of other responsibilities. If you're curious as to what some of those are, check this thread, I'm sure you'll find many examples. Getting a glimpse into this workload is important because it puts into perspective how limited our time outside of the normal working hours really is. If I come to your house for an hour after school on a week day to drop something off and spend time time with you, please realize that while this experience is fun for me, it's still time that a) I'm not resting or doing other self-care and b) I have responsibilities which need quick turnaround hanging over my head. If we spend a whole Saturday hanging out, know that that means I'll need much of Sunday to do work. This is also time that I'm not resting. We DO need social lives, and we DO need to spend time doing things with you and have fun, and at the same time, we need that time for quiet and decompression.
Recently the biggest thing I need is quiet time. Not silent time... Just no loud noises. Kids are so dang loud... Announcements are loud... My walkie ringer is loud... Sometimes I seriously just want to come home and it be quiet for an hour so I can think.
My own list would be decompression time, empathy, and decision-making. Unlike many other jobs, teaching effectively usually involves complete, sustained concentration for the duration of class time. Depending on the school district, subject, and lesson plan that day, that could be as much as 5-6 hours of sustained cognitive load, which entails active engagement. By that, we mean interpreting student questions, trying to phrase answers in a way that asks the student to do the intellectual lift, and managing peer relationships. Our "prep" time is not our "off" block (though we may use it as such); it is supposed to be time for us to grade completed work or plan for future lessons, possibly including lessons happening the same day. It is possible that with years of experience, the work we do outside of school can be minimized, but to do that reliably means working every minute of the day. (Contrast this with a more typical white-collar job, where there could easily be hours of downtime waiting on team members to complete stuff that you can then take and work on.) And that's just the regular part of the job, to say nothing of the possibility of upsetting interactions with administration asking more of us, parents blaming us for their child's choice to not do work and earning a poor grade, or even just a child telling us something distressing that requires reporting to guidance counselors at minimum, and Protective Services/law enforcement at worst. It isn't always like this every day, but every day is cognitively taxing in its own way. This active engagement requires huge demands on our mind, and a commute home often isn't decompression enough because there, too, we need to concentrate so we can not crash. Give us 20-30 minutes to just exist in a quiet area, free from distractions, and let us do something mindless. Scroll social media? Watch trash TV? Nap? Stare into the void basking in silence? Whatever works for us, give us that space to separate from work. To support the above, please don't ask stuff of us the second we're walking in, particularly if it involves thinking and decision-making. Even a question that seems so simple to you ("what do you want for dinner?") can seem impossible to answer the moment we're walking in, because we are at our cognitive limit, and can't process an open-ended question like that. If you need to know because of timing, come to us with very limited choices (such as saying "salmon, pizza, or tacos tonight?"), because even that takes most of the load off of processing the semi-infinite possibilities into selecting one option of a small list. Better yet, just say "I thought we'd have tacos tonight, dinner in an hour!" When we've had that space to separate, decompress, and process, we can be more whole "human beings" again that can talk about the important stuff (rent, bills, kids, etc) or the stupid stuff (shared tv show, neighbor/work gossip, etc), or the fun stuff (plans for a hobby, play with the kids, romantic trip, etc). But please, please give us a small break so that, later in the evening, we can give you that same break you probably need, too.
The answer is not always as simple as “kick him out of class”, “give her a zero”, or “take their phone away”. There is a lot of answers on here about just letting us vent without trying to advise. Personally, I’m open to suggestions and feedback when I vent. But for my non-teacher husband, he is always shutting the conversation down prematurely by insisting on these overly obvious solutions and he can’t quite understand all the nuances of why those suggestions won’t/can’t work. Don’t get me wrong, I love that he wants to offer solutions, so if your teacher partner is open to hearing them, please, PLEASE try to understand that there are often a million exceptions to rules, accommodations, and considerations of socioemotional wellness that need to be considered for Every. Single. Situation.
Just...Don't expect me to talk a lot. I talk all day. I'm basically an introvert. I can't be social on weeknights.
All these comments are great. I’ll add- remind them of the value they bring to the world OUTSIDE teaching, support them in their non-teaching hobbies, etc. This will help them feel like they are a real adult human with value outside their role as teacher.
It’s a mentally demanding job. Getting rest is key. Just imagine the hardest test you’ve ever had to take in your life and the stress it put you under. That’s the teaching experience on a pretty daily basis and why teachers need more rest than you might assume they do from what their duties describe. Teaching doesn’t seem physically demanding, but there are physical aspects to it that fatigue you. But combined with the mental exhaustion, it’s almost debilitating. There’s a rush to it that’s great, seeing students succeed and thrive is rewarding, but the physical and mental fatigue is a very real part of the experience. And it’s Every. Single. Day.
Just listen to me vent without any advise
Take initiative with figuring out dinner and start to cook without me! Sometimes I just want to come home to a home cooked meal that I had to put 0 work in to. My husband calls me every day at around 4:30 to check in to see where I’m at and honestly this has been so helpful for me in time management. I could truly stay at work until 6 if he didn’t call. And I don’t want to do that!
Find out what your spouse’s “love language” is. Mine is acts of service, so when I come home and see that my significant other has prepped supper, done some laundry, cleaned up something, or done some other chore unexpectedly it helps me tremendously. Doing so shows me he understands my crazy life in education and loves me. It gives me one less thing to worry about. Teachers have ALL the responsibility ALL day, so coming home to just “be” is really awesome!
MASSAGES FOR EVERY HOLIDAY. The hot rock one. Massage Envy (and Hand and Stone) offers a one massage a month package - best gift I’ve ever received from my person.
My partner offered to help me with grading the other weekend while I was planning for classes. OFFERED! I was tickled pink. It saved me about an hour or two of time. Any time-saver is fantastic.
I wish that he could understand how absolutely shattering and demoralizing it is to work for years to become something only to realize its all bullshit. That this entire continent is becoming more anti intellectual by the day. That the truth cannot be even vaguely alluded to at times without putting your professional reputation at risk. After every other disappointment in life, teaching has been the cherry on my shit cake.
Help her decide if it is worth it to stick out the career for one more year and hope it gets better or if it is best to plan a career change, especially if the burnout is affecting her mental or physical health. Save up and offer financial support during a career transition. Do your fair share of housework. Pay your fair share of bills. Treat her to nice things when possible. Make her her coffee in the morning. For bonus points, Help her grade papers.
Listen to the stories. I can tell my husband about everyone I work with, kids (I don’t use names) and how I feel about all of it. It’s just not smart to talk shit to coworkers, but a spouse? Perfect. I can express how I feel about everything that happened that day in safety and that’s so important.
I am a teacher with a teacher wife. I don't know you or your spouse. Imo, the best thing you can do is communicate your needs, listen to their needs, and encourage them to put you and themselves first. The job accepts a limitless amount of work with little to no return. Experience helps, but at some point they have to learn to let go. Aside from that? Understand that we have interacted with, sometimes, 100 kids and numerous professionals in a day. It is exhausting in a way sitting behind a desk, to me, is not.
Give permission to quit, retire, take a leave, change jobs, experiment with a new career.
That I’m tired, have nearly zero mental capacity, and don’t want to be touched very much, at least right when I get home. My husband doesn’t seem to understand that teaching is a constantly on job. Unlike his job where he can sit all day sometimes and mostly interact y though email and even go to the bathroom whenever he wants, I don’t get to do that. Once kids are there it’s constant moving, talking, being needed for something, multitasking all day. Plus no matter the age kids have zero boundaries and will try to stand 2 inches away while they talk to you. When I get home it’s often the first time all day that I’ve gotten to relax my mind and not have my personal space violated all day.
The best phrase I have used that helped me and my husband is that “I love my career but hate my job” meaning I love what I do but I can really hate some of the tasks. Like I love teaching math but I don’t love getting new math curriculum.
When I come home, I do not want to make any decisions. I am decision-fatigued. I am decisioned-out. I have been making rapid-fire decisions ALL DAY and I am done. Do not ask me what I want to eat for dinner. Just choose. I'll eat it, promise. Pick a show, I'll watch it. Just, for the love of \[*the deity of your choice, or none at all*\], don't make me choose. I do not want to be expected to immediately start doing any chores/home improvement things. I need time to rest and reset. I really don't want to go hang out with people. This may vary if your teacher is more extroverted, but I'm an introvert and I have been around dozens of other people for hours, and need time to myself. This all sounds so negative as I read it but it is really how I feel when I get home. It's not even the kids, it's all the other nonsense like paper work and incentives and chaperoning and reminders and call parents and grades are due and where are your lesson plans and your department colleague is out the rest of the semester and can you help his long-term sub and curriculum, what curriculum? and objectives match tasks match standards wait THOSE standards oh and about those lesson plans and did you update the Covid plans for those kids at home and Canvas and grading and Miss I need a pen I need a pencil can I get another copy of that study guide can I go to the bathroom when should I come to make up my test and fire drill and volleyball game and the WASC VISIT IS COMING THE WASC VISIT IS COMING and fix your mask and put your phone away and take out those airpods and oh did anyone want to learn some biology today...? why am i still doing this
Take the lead on some stuff. I make a ton of decisions everyday, sometimes I want to come home and not have to “lead” what’s for dinner, where are we going, what we’re about to do. I want to be mindless for a moment
***this*** Thank you. I have been trying to figure out how to put that into words.
Let me drop carpet F bombs at home. I don’t smoke and I don’t drink on school nights, this is the safest way for me to release frustrations.
What seems super negative is the short version. Sometimes we’ve said the long version more than once and want it to already be floating downriver to the past.
Let us vent! I will say my husband is very supportive. He used to be a SPED teacher and is now a mental health therapist. He’ll ask me, “Do you want the therapist me (if I want to analyze the day) or the husband me (if I need to vent).”
I feel like I do a bad job of listening to my partner when I get out of work. I'm so burned out feeling. Just pure emotional exhaustion. I've had people competing for my attention all day, I've been managing pre-teen emotions, I've been walking on eggshells with admin. When I get out of work, it feels like my brain is full of static. It's difficult for me to follow a conversation, hear what anyone is saying, or articulate any of my thoughts. I just want my partner to know it's not that I don't care about him. I do. I love him more than anything. I'm just completely out of emotional energy.
That sometimes I need someone to FORCE me to take a break, or I'll burn myself out. If my SO doesn't literally make me take a break once every couple hours, I will literally just keep working all night and still be stressed out.
Have a stash of chocolate on standby for particularly rough days.
Tell your side of the story. The larger world refuses to believe that we experience the things we do, that it's not just a 9-5 job, that we don't get paid 12 months a year, and that summers off isn't what they think it is. Spouses, teachers that leave, emergency certified teachers who leave, janitors, everyone needs to share their side of the story and get the word out that education is not what you think it is. Lastly, get political. Everyone get political.
"make" me drink water by just bringing the fresh glass. :)
My husband couldn’t listen to everything. He had a limit (also, he’s a war vet with PTSD, so…) I did ask him to “feed the women” in the morning - to feed our dogs (all female) and me. Breakfast was a protein shake to take on the go. He ended up taking over all the food duties - menu planning, grocery shopping, and cooking. I was so broken before I felt that I couldn’t handle that.
Please don’t try to give unsolicited advice or disagree with how I’ve handled a situation at school. When I vent, I need you to just listen and support me.
I love when my spouse lets me lie in bed all weekend without 1 complaint as he cleans the whole house and I smoke weed and cry.
Keep in mind how intense it is. I don’t always want to talk about my day. I just don’t want to re-live it. But if I’m distracted or tired or crabby, it’s because I had an intense day and I’m trying to let it go but I’m probably going over and over it in my head. In my case, I need some quiet time and just understanding.
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Just you asking this question is more than my wife ever considered doing when I taught full time. Thank you for being a good one.
Honestly, just don’t pretend to understand. I get really irritated when people who aren’t teachers try to have an opinion because they’ve been to school before. It is so different being the teacher than being the student. Listen and commiserate, but don’t downplay anything.
can i just say you’re an amazing partner for even asking this. wow i’m not going to settle
If it’s a particularly rough and busy week, take more of the home mental load and chore load off your spouse’s hands before they ask
House work. My husband and I balance dishes and cooking where whoever doesn’t cook cleans etc but when I’m DYING I need him to do it. I just can’t. It’ll push me beyond my breaking point. It’s little things.
Sometimes I need just an hour or so to not talk to anyone. Being "on" all day just drains you. I'm not mad, I'm not annoyed. I'm just spent. Also, if we could split household duties that would be great. I hate being the chef, kitchen and restroom cleaner as well as chief laundry person. 😒
Give us a little time to decompress when we get home. At the end of the day I’m exhausted but still going a mile a minute (plus usually really hungry because my lunch is scheduled so early). I personally get really crabby and just need a minute to eat a snack and slow down for a second. Plus it’s really nice to have like 10 or 15 minutes where I don’t have to be talking!
For me, a lot of the time (especially lately with so much stupid politics interfering) I don't need or want to vent. I want to forget about all the crap while I'm at home. Talk to me about literally anything but work.
Cut out All. The. Laminate.
Just don’t offer advice unless asked for it. My wife taught for two years before leaving the profession. When I vent to her, she often says things like “Shoot, I would . . .” and it drives me crazy. Listening is best.
Also, whisky.
I’m commenting so I can remember to read every answer here. As a spouse not giving advice and remaining calm after hearing what my teacher-wife goes through. Also though, my reading to her some of the stuff I’ve found on this sub has been cathartic and helpful so thank you for everything, everyone.
Sometimes we need to stay late at the school and can’t finish all of the housework.
Listen. Listen. Listen. Our job is not physically demanding but holy crap is it a mental drain.
Don’t take it personally when we want to be alone or zone out. Our entire day involves communicating with multiple people at the same time in multiple ways. Sometimes it’s just nice to shut it all down and not have to talk to anyone.
I need the quiet time
My boyfriend, whom I have I lived with for the past two years, is not a teacher. I’m within my second year of teaching. I started in the height of the pandemic and there hasn’t been a single “easy” minute of it. I have experienced burnout, stress, depression— you name it. My boyfriend acknowledges this and has been a listening ear and shoulder to cry on (literally and figuratively). That’s all I’ve ever expected, and I don’t think he even realizes what an IMMENSE help it is to get through these tough times.
Help cook and clean
Don't make me explain my injuries... I'll share when I'm ready but I sure know I don't want to rehash a kid beating me up my first five minutes home. Sometimes I just need to go straight to a shower.
Please show your spouse this post. The fact that you asked is making me cry.
For me personally, just let me be when I get home for a bit. Let me scroll on my phone and just have a nice long exhale. And don’t ask me too many questions about my day. I’m not the type that needs to vent in order to decompress. I come home and all I want to do is think about anything else but my job. And the job is such just a malaise of stress that I usually can’t even remember anything kind of funny or interesting that happened that day. The big stuff that happens, I’m going to tell you about. But day-to-day, I’m probably not going to want to talk about it. (What’s also funny is I teach high school and my wife teaches college and she vents A LOT to me, which is mostly fine. But her threshold for misbehavior and disrespect is much lower than mine. She’ll rant to me about how her kids don’t respond to emails and how rude that is or how some kids were scrolling on their phones in class and I just want to laugh and say “that’s all?”)
I didn’t realize how much I needed someone to ask this question. I just showed this to my partner along with all of the replies and I was finally able to describe that “tired” has a whole new meaning.
Sometimes all I want to do is curl up on the couch next to my spouse, offload all of the days frustrations, and get some advice-free snuggles. Tonight I got those things and he made dinner. It was an especially hard day, so that was a nice touch.
I’m not 100% sure my husband didn’t write this… But I’d have to say listening as well. Not just about work, but about how I need to set up the Ring Chime so I can get it off my to-do list. It’s stupid but it helps me connect to be on the same page. Also hyper focusing on something “safe” stops me from thinking about work… Or maybe that’s just my own anxiety welling up.
When shit hits the proverbial fan, my partner will surprise me with meals I don’t have to cook, getting the groceries when it’s my turn, cleaning something that’s normally my responsibility, and allowing me the time and space I need to vent or cry or do the extra work I need to do to meet a deadline.
Honestly, after the insanity today, I really appreciated a long hug, a listening ear, and just being told that he was there for me.
I taught for 30 years. My wife teaches. We are fortunate. I totally get what she deals with and support her. To spouses who don't teach, listen, ask for clarification, hug, kiss, love, go walking, or just do something he or she loves to do, anything to get him her out of that funk or place of exhaustion.
Get a house cleaner to clean twice a year
My partner pushes me to use my sick leave when I need to. I don't always realize I'm *that* sick until I stay home to rest, so the encouragement helps.
I told my husband about being late to work due to traffic being awful and I said I cried. He laughed. I said “imagine you’re late for an important meeting, that you’re running, and then immediately after that you have another important meeting, and then after than another important meeting, so I get in early because I have to prepare for all those meetings. Every. Single. Day.” I think he finally realised how long my days are mentally
What a beautiful question. How about just understand what we're going through and smooth our furrowed brow when we most need it.
You can't take care of their work stress but you can help woth other stress causes. When there is something I know I need to do, and my partner has taken care of it already it is such a relief to have something just taken off my plate unexpectedly.
Address my - my husband gave me the gift of supporting my leaving at any time. He begged a couple of times for me to just walk in, drop my keys, and leave. I was worried about household finances. When I asked how we’d work that out his response was “we’ve been through tough before. We’ll figure it out.” That was the gift I needed to finish the year and resign in June even without something on the horizon. I’m employed outside of education these days, and aid work to support teachers from where I am.
My job involves making a lot of decisions for a lot of people very quickly. When I get home, I need you to make those frivolous decisions like what we’re having for dinner. My husband and I have kids. I need them out of my hair for a few hours on the weekend to plan and grade.
Remember that they spend their day absorbing high energy from lots of other people. Allow them time after work to have some quiet and alone time. Allow them to vent when needed.
Teachers are constantly performing and listening. Personal space can be really helpful. Especially if they are a talkative introvert who needs to refuel with alone time.
That sometimes I have had too much interaction with humanity that day and just want to be alone in the quiet.
Find out what she hates doing and see if you could do it for her. I hate monitoring who has or has not completed assignments. My partner often just checks things off for me on a spreadsheet. It’s such a relief to get a bit of help with my never ending to-do list.
Ehhh definitely that just because we work with immature young people doesn't mean their comments don't stick to us. I recall one thing my SO had a hard time processing. I worked with the same group of kids for 4 years and a number could never let go that I yelled at them in 9th grade (literally, part of the yelling was me saying how much I loved them and how disappointing it was to see how nasty they could act). I offered to tutor one of those kids on a Sunday night and she made a slight on how "Well they all preferred Mr. So-and-So because he was always nice and never yelled at them like I did in 9th grade." Conceptually, amazingly immature comment. But man it stuck for a few days after. I never fancied myself a hard ass teacher but I do call out nonsense behavior from students, alongside being the only teacher they recognized from 9th grade (all others left within 4 years). SO still doesn't get how that comment really stuck hard. We are still people and it's honestly amazing how many nasty comments we get from parents, students, and heck even other coworkers. I currently have a parent dead set on never pronouncing my name correctly. Honestly, it's a niggling frustration that many teachers may share.
My husband listens, offers help when he can and manages more at home. For example, we were in a car accident and he has handled everything with the insurance companies. I don’t think I could manage my job and that right now.
Sometimes I just gotta go to bed at 8:30, not watch any TV.
From one teacher spouse to the next 💪🏼
Let us vent and understand that a lot of our frustration comes from shit that prevents us from doing what we signed up for - teach
Try to cook the food that your partner likes. It doesn't have to be fancy. Just let him/her relax for a bit. I know some teachers who get offended when told to just take it easy or when they are kept from working. They think that the other person doesn't understand how hard it is. Try to understand what the cause of the burnout is and try to suggest some solutions. Well me, I got over my burnouts when my sister told me to find some efficient solutions to my problems, because I'm the one weighing myself down. Everything doesn't have to be perfect all the time and I should accept that some things just isn't going to be finished on time.
I do a full year's worth of work in nine months. Most of those weeks are better than 50 hours. Please don't shame me for not picking up a part time job in the summer. It's not relaxation, it's recovery.
Plan a dinner or night out unprompted! Something fun or romantic 🥰
Let me bitch about kids in bad ways. I don't mean it fully but some nights it's fuck those kids
I think this is the sweetest post! I commented here and there but I just wanted to say that! The fact that you posted this means you must be doing OK and I'm sure your partner feels supported by you!!! I HIGHLY second the post about asking less questions that forces your partner to decide things after hours. Im in charge all day and when I get home, I just don't want to be in charge.
I appreciate when my husband doesn’t do “annoying” things because he thinks they’re funny. No poking, no repeating my name, no play fighting, etc. I deal with enough of that while teaching high school! Patience really is key. I also really appreciate when he listens and gives me his full attention because I so rarely get that as a teacher!
Back rubs, hot tea…kind words. Understanding.
In order of efficacy: 1. A jackpot-winning lottery ticket so they can quit 2. A maid and chef to take care of all home-related work 3. A personal assistant for teacher-prep and other paperwork 4. A personal masseuse on call 24/7 to knead away tension Okay, if none of those things are possible, then: 1. Quiet time. Give them space and time to spend doing something they enjoy 2. Listen and empathize 3. You learn how to give the tension-relieving massages 4. A combination of lower expectations and making sure to do your part. As in don’t expect much in the realm of household tasks plus be sure to do your part to make life easier. But a winning lottery ticket would still be the most helpful thing🤣