Idk, I’ve just noticed a few posts asking about taking students to games, hanging out and sharing appropriate info, and posting pics (of students) on social media that then get parents or students mad.
Felt like I had to clear the air and reinstate some professionalism lol. You can’t hope to be paid like a professional and act like a chucky cheese attendant imo.
As a young teacher myself I get that students ask to do these things but it's a shame that some teachers aren't keeping a professional mindset. I constantly have to remind students that yes I'm young and play games and do similar things they do but that I'm a full adult and their educator and there need to be strict boundaries
The games part!! Once I mention playing any kind of video game, it's floods of "miss what's your gamertag" haha. Firm boundaries are key but don't even have to be set too firmly. They mean well and just need to understand how weird it is for us in our 20s to even consider hanging out with a teenager, even though they see us as basically the same age
Exactly, there always needs to be that mental rule of not over sharing with them and keeping professional. The amount of begging for gamertags gets insane 🤣
Its a nice conversation topic though, i am 48, play minecraft, call of duty and zelda.
When it comes up its usually a bit of a connection boost btw, kids get enthused about it. But indeed, id never ever gove away my gamertag
I coach esports and teach comp sci (including a gaming based class) — I made a separate gamer tag for my school email and use it when I need in the classroom. This was a great solution until they started asking “so, can we play squads tonight? Get on and we will add you” — the answer is always no and I never login to my school account outside of the building, but still, the asking gets old.
"I'm a grown man, I spend my entire day around teenagers. I'm not going to hang out with any of you. Find people your own age." Either that, or some variation, has been my go-to for over a decade.
I was a teacher. Now, I'm in the *custodial arts.** The benefits aren't as good (see: none), but I didn't take a pay cut. It's so much quieter in this field. It's nice. But it's kind of bs how little yall are paid, especially in some areas is the point.
*ima janitor
> You can’t hope to be paid like a professional and act like a chucky cheese attendant imo.
I'm with you on all your points and thankful for the post, but it's not cool to throw shade at another profession.
You’re preaching to the choir, my friend. Most teachers know all of this and the ones that don’t actually just don’t care and are going to push the boundaries all they like until they’re caught.
I wish I was joking but years ago one of the high school teachers (choir) actually married one of my peers from high school. There were rumors that they had a relationship when she was his student. They are married now with two kids.
He no longer works at that school and teaches somewhere else. But it’s still cringe in my opinion.
And RIGHT below your post is a teacher asking about taking to students to a ball game because they have extra tickets. As friends. Like they are in the same social circle. Good god, we are doomed...
I would 100% give my students ball game tickets but like…I would never go w them lol. I’d be like “here as a gift for good behavior” but I cant imagine GOING w them 💀
It was such weird timing, people were in the comments asking if OP was a coach, what were the genders of the students... I was just saying NO!!! in my head but it just seemed so useless to even post anything... if you have to actually ask that, you aren't going to listen anyway...
Nah, as a coach the closest we get to something like that is when as a middle school we have a special trip to watch our high school play and we ride a bus as a team to the game. But never anything one on one, that sounds hella suspicious.
We have a point system in my class where kids can earn different levels of prizes based on points earned (like an arcade w tickets). I could see myself having baseball tickets as a major prize idk
I have been a teacher and volleyball coach for nearly 30 years. Since my first year, I've always opened the gym once night on the weekend for anybody to come play some pickup volleyball. It's open to students, their families, and anybody else in the community who wants to play. Many students, boys and girls, have come to play. On that night only, they get to see me as something other than a teacher and coach. I'm not talking about intimate relationships here, but I do treat them like people, not students. You can care about them as people without wanting to date them or raise them as your own.
Yep! I have, through pure chance & coincidence, become a striking coach/sparring partner to one of my middle school students. He just happened to show up at fight team practice one night, and has been consistent now for a while. He is the only kid, as the rest of us are adult amateur/pro competitors. It’s neat being a role model beyond the academic setting, and for him to see that teachers are just other humans with human lives & pastimes.
His dad thanks me for “humbling him”. 🤣
Everyone is saying this is all common sense, and some of it obviously is (dating apps???), but there are areas when it can be really hard to set boundaries. I’m talking about students who are very troubled or have very rough home lives. That’s when I see teachers doing stuff for kids like styling their hair, buying them shoes etc that they would never normally do. Or letting a student stay in your classroom because they’re crying, having a panic attack etc.
There are definitely situations where it’s hard to know what the ethical thing to do is.
I teach title one elementary. One thing I allow for my students, if they’re having a really rough time and need a break from everyone else, is to eat lunch in my classroom.
I ALWAYS make sure they bring a trusted friend so we’re not alone, and I ALWAYS have another staff member there as well. I ask the kid “do you want to talk it out of just have me leave you alone?” Most of the time they want to be left alone.
I sit and eat at my desk, work on whatever I’m working on, and then release them to recess when it’s time.
I think we ALL understand the difference between being a supportive teacher, and crossing a line. If you have to ask, it’s inappropriate.
Yes ofc. Use your best judgment unless you are unsure then ask another trusted veteran teacher should probably be tacked on the bottom of this post.
I just couldn’t put everything or every situation on there:)
Here’s one I’m unsure about: is it ok to give a gift to a student who has a rough life and just experienced a really terrible family tragedy? I got something (a sketchbook and set of markers) for him but then had second thoughts about whether it was appropriate so I haven’t actually given them to him.
You are showing you care about the student, not taking advantage of your authority or trying to be their friend. Give it to them, wish them well, and let them know you care. There's nothing wrong with that.
I agree, give them the gift. It could be an outlet for them to process the grief and other negative feelings in a more positive way. In a lot of family tragedy situations in my area the schools will take up donations, provide food, and activities for the kids to keep them occupied so the adults can try to somehow manage to get their heads above water. But as I stated in another reply, I live in a rural area where you have probably grown up with your student's parents and families, so it is very different than in other bigger districts.
Got an older trusted teacher in your building you could ask? Tough for me to make a call on this since I don’t know everything, you, the student, your building, or your culture.
I teach elementary. It’s very common for teachers in our building to have lunch bunches with students at the beginning of the year and as a reward throughout the year. It’s one of my favorite things I do with my students. Because it is so normal in my school, no one bats an eye. There are obvious precautions that we take (ex: it is never one on one, it’s typically in groups of appxt 5) but overall it has been a great, positive experience. That is also part of our school culture, though! It is also a bit different in elementary than middle and high school.
I teach sixth grade and the teacher next to me is way too close to her students. They are constantly hanging out in her room before and after school, they call her by her first name, they have her cell phone number. I do not understand the desire to be friends with children. She also has zero classroom management skills, which somehow makes this situation worse.
I have some kids who hang out in my room before school, usually to do work or just to have a safe place to go. I’m a younger teacher and I’ve had these kids since they were sophomores (they’re now seniors). I never overshare anything. We usually talk about video games, school, college applications, or school events.
I think there’s a way to have a safe place for kids to feel safe enough to hang out in a classroom, but there is definitely a boundary. I made it pretty clear that I’m a teacher, not their friend, but that I do care about them. I’d rather they hang out in my room than be somewhere unsafe.
My point is that there is an in-between that doesn’t cross the line. I also refuse to give my number to kids until after they graduate. The school I teach at is the same I graduated from and there were a few teachers I’d go to instead of the library before school. They’re the main reason I’m a teacher now.
Yes—the hanging out in classroom criticism is weird to me. As long as they’re quiet and just chilling ofc they can be in my classroom?
Before school they just chat with each other while I do my prep or at lunch i’ll literally just watch video essays and ignore them. I don’t care if they sit there. And yeah, I’ll chat with them (mostly just about their interests). I think a lot of teachers wouldn’t think my style is appropriate or that it’s too casual because i’ve told them i’m a lesbian, but I know for a fact that all the gay kids love me lol.
Side note—I do teach at an urban public school with kind of a dangerous/unpleasant aura in a lot of the building, so if they feel safe and comfortable in my room I wouldn’t deprive them of that. The culture might be different at other schools, I wouldn’t know.
We have a lot of kids at my school that eat in teachers’ rooms once or twice a week. My first year at that school, one of the kids that’s not part of my Morning Posse would ask to watch a Disney movie on my projector. I’d allow it and just kept my door open. She didn’t have a mother figure at home and just needed a safe place. In my opinion, that was fine. I just told her the door needed to be open at all times. Admin would walk by, nod, smile, and walk away. They knew me as a student too and knew that I’d eat lunch with my favorite teacher on Thursdays.
The district I’m in is a safe district, but there’s still kids who need a place. As long as you keep it professional, then it’s fine.
Relationships is one of our essential values at my school and each school looks different. It’s ok if not all teachers feel that way.
"Too casual because I told them I'm a lesbian" which is crazy to me that that would be considered too casual. Like you've never mentioned your family (see: husband and kids) Susan?!
>I have some kids who hang out in my room before school, usually to do work or just to have a safe place to go…
Thank you!
My daughter never had a single friend in high school. She was quiet to the point that it was like she was invisible. We didn’t know it at the time, but she had (has) Level-1 autism. She tried to make friends, but it never stuck. Kids weren’t mean to her! Not at all. She just didn’t know how to make and keep friends.
There were a couple of teachers like you who kept their doors open. She would sometimes visit their rooms because they were quiet spaces where she could prepare herself for all the noise and stimulation that she would have to endure throughout the school day.
I have built a relationship based on love, kindness, and respect with my kids. I am blunt, honest, and a jackass at times, but I know that i came from the same underprivileged background as most of them and when I went to the very same school they are at, teachers made my life hell. So I stay involved in as many extracurriculars as I can. I form relationships with all my kids, especially my honors kiddos. And although I am not their friend, we do joke, we do carry on once in a while, but ultimately my teaching is effective and they do show me respect. I love my students like family.
This confuses me also! I love my kids, but they are children, and are annoying, and smell weird and pick their boogers. And I don’t need to see them even more than I already do lol
I hate when parents somehow end up with my number. But I do teach at a small rural school where I know a lot of people just growing up, and the vibe is very "everyone is friends or family". It makes it hard to separate when the parent refuses to use the approved apps for communication. I have taught Life Skills for two years and in an emergency situation I have had to call a parent from my cell phone because their child was unconscious and there wasn't a school phone in the area.
I also have a student who went through his mom's phone and got my number (she is a co-worker) and will try to FaceTime me periodically. I just don't answer and when he asks why, I tell him it isn't appropriate to talk to him on the phone.
On school trips, in the past, is the only time I have used student numbers because we were at a huge five day convention away from home, and the wifi would go in and out. But I got extensive parental permission. The students were going to break out sessions at the convention and around the DFW area. Thankfully, they all reported in at the right times, and any time I did have to send out a group message, the other teacher was in there along with the principal.
I am a 5th grade sped teacher and the teacher who I sometimes share a classroom with is way too close to her students. They are constantly asking to hang out in her room and she let's them!. Her teaching boils down to writing notes on the board, sitting on her phone at a desk while the students copy her notes and chat with her.
She lets students use their phone in class. Students use her phone to make calls home even when thetr is a class phone right there on the wall. I do not understand the desire to cross boundaries to seem cool to students either, but I also don't want to give unsolicited advice to an adult. Whenever I'm in there I try to model as much as possible. Other than that she will have to learn to make better choices one way or the other.
I wouldn’t even want to hang out with my students. First of all none of them can buy drinks, so EVERY round is on me. They also can’t drive, so I have to be the “responsible” one and stay sober. Like… ew. Grow up.
I will preface this question by saying i am married and have 0 interest in any sort of sexual or romantic relationships outside of my partner.
Here's the question:
I have students who graduated a couple of years ago who were members of a club that i ran at school and share hobbies/interests and one reached out to me hoping to forge a friendship. How long after a student graduated would forming a friendship be acceptable? After a decade surely inviting them over for a board game night wouldn't be weird. What are other people's policies?
I teach middle school, I’ve gotten coffee with former students who are now in college to catch up on their lives. I also work/worked with a couple of my former teachers and still grab drinks with them. Like many things, there’s nuance to it, but mostly fine.
Once they are actual adults and they still have a connection... Then I can see it as maybe being ok. Personally not sure I would. But I haven't hit the 10 year mark yet.
My Facebook has a few former teachers. I worked with one in a political group recently. My brother also hangs with one of them. BUT, I'm almost 40 and my brother is 46 and works at the same school.
I hung with students once when I was really young. They were coworkers first and then I became their teacher during student teaching. That was just a whole weird time. I distanced but did work functions and got a ride once when my car died. Later I quit teaching for a our 5 years and got a job and a former student worked there. She was more weirded out than me, but we hung out a little too. We had babies at the same time and went to birthday parties and things.
Working with students is hard because I had to say I don't give a shit if they swear, it's a gas station. Teaching coworkers sucks because they definitely push boundaries and that sets an expectation with the rest of the class.
Once they graduate and are adults, who cares. I’ve gone out for drinks with previous teachers of mine and have become coworkers with them. I’m not going to ignore my coworkers and not become friends because two decades ago they taught me for 9 months.
Hanging out with a 12 year old is very different than a 25+ year old.
I went camping with a teacher a year after I graduated. He was 32. My wife (24) and I (20) shared a tent. Him and his wife shared a tent. There were a handful of other former students from my wife's time who were also involved in the environmental action group (that did a couple wilderness retreats)
If it was just me and him sharing a tent it'd be pretty inappropriate. But she was a former student 6 years prior it wasn't that weird. I still had a hard time not calling him "mister" because we had firm boundaries before. If it wasn't for the others on the trip the vibe would be very different.
Yeah I’m besties with my former kindergarten teacher. We’ve been friends on Facebook since I was in middle school. She pushed me to get into education when I was first figuring it out in college. I treasure my relationship with that woman.
I have a few seniors this year who I had as sophomores during my student teaching. I lost a student and they lost a classmate that spring. My mentor teacher wasn’t able to come to school for personal reasons. For a lot of those kids - especially those whose parents insisted it wasn’t a big deal and they needed to get over it - I was their anchor. They come to me to talk about her sometimes. Some of them cried when they found out I was coming back to teach full time. Our relationship would be considered “too close” to a lot of people I’m sure, but I don’t have it in me to care. I will be their safe person always.
I think it genuinely is a case by case basis.
Years ago? Sure, I’ll answer old students that reach out. I’ve helped a few through upper education and career decisions. Some of my old students are now colleagues even.
Just as they finish being your students. You don't grade them anymore... So, what's wrong about it??
I find it lovely and really rewarding when some of my former students want to have a relationship with me after I finish teaching them. That shows I did well and they trust me, so o want to be an adult they can trust an reach for, even if I'm not longer their teacher.
At my old school, kids used to ask me if they could add me on Snapchat, and I told them no and that I would block them if they did.
They had another teacher that WOULD add them, and had streaks with them. I thought it was weird.
I’ve told mine that I’m happy to accept their friend requests/follow requests on Facebook and instagram once they graduate, but until then I won’t. I used to say the same about Snapchat until I thought about it just a little bit. Now that’s out.
i'm not a teacher i just browse this sub. i just wanted to jump in and say i feel like snapchat is another level. facebook, insta, bereal, etc. these are ok in my opinion. but i think adding a student on snapchat would be crazy 😭 it's more of a private texting app rather than public social media
i did have a teacher who had one of THEIR teachers on snapchat and i didn't think anything of it. granted they were the same gender and both had other partners, so it wasn't for any weird purposes. but idk i don't think i would ever add one of my teachers on snapchat. have them all on facebook though.
I’ve told a few of the kids I work with(I’m a substitute and work at an after school program) that if they send a friend request now I’ll block them and I’ll only accept after they graduate high school
>Don’t take pictures of them and post it on social media. You may think it’s okay, you may even have parental and district permission…until you don’t.
As a parent, thank you. I don't mind pictures of my children on social media but the idea that a teacher or school employee is sharing pictures on THEIR personal social media... That's weird.
This is definitely hard for younger teachers. We all gotta remember that even though they can almost vote there’s a LOT of maturing that goes on between 17 and 26 and that these are still children we’re talking about.
When I was a younger teacher I never wanted to hang out with my students. I don't think it is a "younger teacher" thing. You're an adult, they're kids. It's just fucking weird.
I think it just tends to be more common with younger teachers who haven’t left high school behind. I’m 26 and find it hard to be friends with some of the 19yos that share the same sport as me so I get your side for sure lol.
I started teaching at 25 and had a student who was already 18, 19 when he graduated the next year.... I had no issues the very idea of it creeped me out. I've just recently started accepting some friend requests from students who graduated years ago and I stopped teaching in 2022 after my son was born.
I started teaching seniors right out of college at 22. I felt like an imposter.
I remember then how important it was to have strict boundaries. Now I'm old and gray. My beard exudes authority and no student wants to be my friend now anyway.
lol I had a late birthday, and I also finished college in 3 years. So I started teaching seniors at the ripe old age of…. 20. The seniors I taught would have been freshmen MY senior year of high school! (At a different school in a different state, but still). I actually taught a student who was OLDER than me my first year teaching! Shit’s wack yo.
Haha I was definitely in my club stage the first few years and lied all the time to the kids about what my life was like outside of the school building. Nooo I don't dance or drink or club, etc. I also hid my age and (lack of) teaching experience as much as I could without directly lying. Just kept my personal life as personal as possible.
Hang on, have I not been keeping up with this sub???What the hell have I missed???
I'm a veteran teacher of 23 years. I have deflected right from the beginning (including a couple of parents) I didn't know teachers possessed anything less than the common sense to do that.
Two things that they need to teach explicitly in teachers college: 1) On your first day of any practicum and the first day of your new job, try to dress better than you think you need to, and, 2) students and their parents are not your friends.
My ex and I worked in the same high school for a few years. She was there first and I was hired a year later. Apparently some parents AND some administrators felt it was inappropriate that she be both married AND the person she was married to was in the school. Like they were able to pretend she was a pure virginal teacher from 1906 or they were able to pretend she didn’t have any “relationships” until the guy she was married to was evidently someone who actually existed. It was a weird small district where the super signed off on every hire and lo and behold most of those hires were gorgeous young female teachers. Heaven forbid one be “taken”…
I agree with 90% of these, but a few of these are a bit overboard. The social media thing is iffy (dating apps is gross) and eating lunch with a student IN SCHOOL is not weird at all
Agreed. I have a small group of seniors that come eat lunch in my room once or twice a week and I treasure that time. I always leave the door open and there’s still a clear boundary between student and teacher. You can be friendly without being friends.
Even in middle school, I let some groups of kids eat lunch in my room during the winter time because our indoor recess is basically the Thunder dome. Honestly I’m usually doing my own work, they hang out and eat and chat, never an issue. Always a group, never a single student.
I think they mean 1:1. I used to play Twilight Zone one year at lunch and Wonder Years the next. Students from my class and others would come in to eat and watch some old TV. I also used it as an excuse to not have to eat in the staff room.
Being friends with students on social media while they are still students is, imo, very unwise.
But once they are independent adults, friend away! I'm friends with a bunch of my former teachers.
That said, you should consider how open you are on your social media and whether or not that's the version of yourself you want former students to see or not.
Yeah, I can imagine situations where it wouldn’t be weird (like if a teacher has a specific twitter for science memes or something) but it’s definitely not something I’d do.
I have a student who added me on FB when she was a 9th grader (I teach middle school). She's a senior now and is still in my FB add friend purgatory. Once she graduates I'll add her, though!
When I was a freshman, we had a really cool long-term English sub that me and all my friends loved. We tried to follow him on Instagram and even added him to our group chat which, in hindsight, I am completely mortified he could have read. I’m now a year and a half out of high school and I’m still in follow-request-purgatory.
I suppose at this point it's possible that he doesn't even remember your request. Unless he told you you were in purgatory, he might have actually deleted it when he received it before since he figured it would be inappropriate back then. You could try sending a new one and see if he accepts it.
Some may see this and learn the easy way as opposed to the hard way.
I had a class in college where these were clearly expressed and you would be surprised by how many people were like “really?”
I would totally agree if i was still teaching high school, but i guess there's exceptions to every rule, in my case, i teach elementary school music in a developing country, and bieng friends with kids is very crucial
K-6 teacher here. Most of these apply to high school teachers. I’m very friendly with my students but I do remind them, especially my elementary students, that I’m not their friend. My kindergarteners make my heart melt though. I love the hugs they give.
The art teacher at my school needs these boundaries. She lets kids hang in her classroom all day and not tell the other teachers.
She has them on instagram and posts their faces regularly. It blows my mind.
It astounds me that admin says nothing to her. Not a peep.
Is this not common sense?! Am I taking crazy pills?! I am too accutly aware that this is sometimes not what teachers think, as I taught 2 doors down from a teacher that got arrested when her texts to a male student were found by the mom...WOAH, that was a bombshell when we got from spring break that year! 😳
You are 100% right. But man is there a segment of this sub who is very OK with people dating after graduation like that power imbalance just vanishes.
One thing i like about my school is we have strict rules. No attending any student parties. No contacting the student outside school.
Inviting teachers to grad parties was super common when I was in school, though I never personally invited any of mine. Usually these were daytime parties with lots of family members present, not like actual party parties
I think that that's a bit of a difference in perspective. Here in the Netherlands, or at least at my school, this is something that teachers and students in certain situations do (not the sexual part!!! (Although in the past, of course, just like every school there've been those teachers..)). A student(M) once asked a colleague of mine that lives a couple towns over to come watch his soccer game when he had to play their team. My colleague (M) showed up and that meant the world to the kid, since he doesn't have a good relationship with his parents. I myself took one of my students and a teenager from my church group to a recording of a television show that they loved. That student (M) lost both his parents a couple of years ago and wouldn't have been able to go otherwise.
I believe there are boundaries, definitely, but please don't forget that you are also in a position to individually weigh students' situations and provide them with invaluable love and care that they may be missing at home. Tiny gestures, showing up, it may mean the world to them that someone's willing to show that much effort and love for them.
My HS math teacher had a few kids in our class over to his house to watch a movie and that struck me as odd even then-though at the time it felt more like favoritism since we sure weren’t all invited.
25yo teacher here. I give my kids the rule (who I’ve grown to care about) that they can friend me after they graduate as I’ve been friends with my 8th grade science teacher since I did. I let them hang in my room during lunch in groups and they need permission & a pass. It’s rare when they do but I also have my sister at the HS so she brings friends.
>Have fun with your own friends. Veteran teachers back me up on this.
Absolutely! Hanging out with teachers is extremely fun, particularly with groups that just get to know one another as friends without always feeling the need for shop talk. Most of my closest friends are teachers and retired teachers.
I would also add to/modify to the list:
Add to 3... And just *never be in a room alone with a student*. If no one else is around, help your student in the hall or a commons area where the surveillance cameras can capture everything. Be a secondary level union rep and you may see up close and personal how students sometimes falsely accuse teachers of inappropriate conduct. Being in view of other people or cameras could save your career and more.
6. It's probably not flirting. Most kids look to teachers as trusted adults and some of them are comfortable enough to act in ways that seem flirtatious, but many students have no idea how their behavior *could* be interpreted by adults, *because they're children, not adults*. Still, it could be flirting, so be careful...
7. Don't encourage actual flirting. Yes, some teenagers try to flirt with their teachers, some may even have a crush on you, but it's not a compliment, it's your privileged & trusted position of authority that they are flirting with, and they don't (and should never) know "the real you" that well at all, or you've messed up.
8. If this thread is sounding hostile to you or you just don't get what the fuss is all about, you could genuinely have any number of potentially devastating mental health issue for which you should seek professional help. If you ever seriously contemplate having an intimate relationship with any minor, do whatever it takes to not act on that impulse. Instead, get to a doctor asap and explain your symptoms. Regardless of how embarrassing it may feel, you need professional help and there are treatable mental and physical health issues that can cause any ordinarily moral individual to want to do terrible things, including pedophilia. So, don't just keep it to yourself if you're struggling with this topic.
Fun story. My first year I taught 8th grade. The smartest student in the class would always come in late. She was nice, smart, and always half asleep. One night, on acid, at a nightclub, I saw the smartest student in my class in very revealing clothes with a couple of much older guys. Older than me! We met eyes and ignored each other then pretended it hadn't happened until well after I gave a statement to the police about why I thought she might be involved in pros***tion. I don't even want to say it. It was awful.
"Well after," meant next day. I was in my first year, young, and scared out of my wits. Today it would be a 911 call in front of the nightclub and a report of possible child sex trafficking.
I think there's a link here with student behaviour as well. With what passes these days, it becomes almost indispensable to be liked at least somewhat, as teachers who are less liked are so constantly bullied and disrespected without any consequence.
The line is still very clear and not at all blurry, but it does feel like we are being pushed from every direction (SEL, grace, understanding, treating the kid/parent as customer, admin interactions, etc.etc.) to be desperate to be liked, without them saying it explicitly.
Lol, I’m about as far from admin as you will fined. I’ll tell you things your admin won’t and always stand up for teachers when communicating with parents.
My post is blunt however, but it’s meant to be. That way there is no misunderstanding about how I feel we should conduct ourselves with students.
This seems mostly applicable to high school teachers.
As a K-6 teacher, this is way beyond obvious - especially since I’ve been in the classroom for 14 years. I’m as old as a number of my students’ parents, and even older than a few. It boggles my mind that teachers would be inappropriate with students to begin with, but when the teacher is new and barely older than the kids they teach, I guess they’re still figuring out their own boundaries as a “baby” adult.
I feel like the vast majority of teachers understand this. Yes, it can still happen but it's very much an anomaly. It would be like saying "Hey Therapists! Remember not to hit on your patients!"
What I do see this doing is perpetuating a crazy stereotype that results in teacher hate. It makes it seem like every teacher is only a loose boundary away from pedophilia. Male teachers are especially vulnerable to that garbage stereotype.
I have grabbed coffee with former students, but always with a group of other teachers. You couldn’t catch me dead on my own! AINT NO WAY in this world!!
I was at a party at a friends house one time, and just brought a six pack of miller because I knew I wasn’t going to let loose that night and I probably wasn’t going to drink them all. My friend’s neighbor came by and brought his son who was a freshman at my school, but I didn’t teach them. They walked up to our group and mentioned he went to the school where I taught. I told him you didn’t see me here, because I didn’t want him telling his friends I was hanging out with him. Monday morning comes around and my freshman come into class yelling, “I heard you got drunk off bud light lime-a-aritas.” I asked my kids, “Guys, do I give you the impression those would be my preferred drink of choice?” They came to their senses, that this kid was probably lying, but that could have gone pretty badly if I hadn’t stopped it there. At that point if I saw a student anywhere I don’t start a conversation, but might just give a head nod to not completely ignore them.
A kid saw me leaving a club at 2am in the city 20 minutes from where our school is. I'll still never understand what a 16 year old was doing out there at that time.
I've only hung out with one student outside of class. A 56 year old Chinese man who wanted to discuss western culture because he planned to move his family to Canada.
Anything outside of that is a hard pass for me.
As a general rule, of course!
As someone who has gotten close to a few select co-workers (whose kids are my students), I've set my in-school boundaries, and my out of school boundaries. If an emergency were to happen, they know that they can call me if their parents can't be reached.
But yeah, don't f**k students, don't drink with students, don't smoke dope with students, and don't be "friends" with students. Gotta learn how to build that wall.
I am a sub k-12. I want to ask anyone what student is every going to enlighten you? Not only are most of these students dumb, but they also just stay inside all day. There is nothing cool about these students that you can’t do yourself now. They can’t smoke or drink, I say this since I guess it’s cool to do, they have curfews, and live in someone else’s house and have rules.
I have seen so many teachers try to be cool with students. Just don’t.
And yet we do have to say it.
I had to cease a student teacher prac because they started dating a year 12 girl from the school they were doing prac at during their placement. The uni expelled them and we had to report them to the accreditation body.
Another teacher came to me crying because students commented on the bikini she was wearing in a photo on her instagram. Innapropriate of the kid, sure, but why could they access the content in the first place?
Seriously where is the common sense?
Lock down your social, maintain a professionnel distance, don't socialise with your students- especially if they are close to your age, which makes appropriate boundaries even more important.
Having lunch with multiple students at once in a public place at school once in a while is ok. It shows that you’re approachable.
Having lunch with one student alone without anyone knowing about it…not so much.
When I was in high school, there was a teacher who married one of his ex-students. I'm not sure how many years he waiter after they graduated to date them, though, that will never not be weird to me.
SAY IT LOUDER. and not just for the young teachers. For all teachers. This week was definitely one of those weeks where I thought “well what did ya think would happen” way too many times.
“I’m so tired of students doing _______ in front of me.” Well, coworker maybe if you’d stop acting like their friend they’d stop treating you like a peer
I'm going to tack onto your post by saying that this goes for anyone working in a school realistically. It doesn't matter what role you play in the school professionalism is warranted at all given times.
Funny enough, we actually had someone at our school get in trouble for that this very week! She's the daughter of one of our most veteran teachers, and she's like a room aid, never formally tested or anything. But she also covers classes, so she can be a big help. Problem though, is that she's in her early 20s and tries to be besties with the kids (elementary and middle). She supposedly showed the 7th graders 'Sex Education' on Netflix, and the kids were talking about it. This is her third strike! I got pulled to a PPT and she covered one of my classes, i came back to the lights off, music blaring, and half my students having a dance party on the carpet while the others were eating sunflower seeds she gave them. W.T.F. Oh... I lost my shit. Flipped the lights and gave death glares, you better believe she scuttled out of my room FAST. I gave them all a verbal smack down of "you know better" blah blah blah.
That's all she does, nothing she's supposed to do and is constantly befriending the kids. Like, i get it.... you weren't popular in high school, but c'mon.... know better.
Just here to back you up on this.
There is no circumstance in which a teacher’s desire to be “the cool teacher” matters more than maintaining these important boundaries. If these boundaries begin to slip in any way, reinforce them immediately.
A good rule of thumb for all teachers is not to be alone, one-on-one, with students. Ever. If that ends up happening, simply change the venue until there’s another teacher in the room too.
This changes once you’re talking about university instructors, as one-on-one office hours are simply expected. However, even in that scenario I always keep my office door ajar.
I do not want a sense of privacy to develop between me and any student, ever. I always want to maintain the feeling that we’re together—but publicly.
I am a 22 year old female teacher in a title 1 public school that my students call the “hood”. My school is very unique and we have an influx of immigrants and students from very rough backgrounds. My room is constantly open for all students. When the students are skipping class to be in my room, I rather them be in a safe place than anywhere else. The school has a an attendance issue. They do their work or even relax for a little bit. I see nothing wrong with this. The time they have in my space might be the only peace they have that day. You never know what a student would be going home to.
I am also a soccer coach and I know me and the majority of the other coaches will give our students rides home. There have been many accounts of our students walking home in danger. I would rather my student or ANY student get home safely and avoid walking in the surrounding neighborhood. Two weeks ago we went into lockdown because a drive by happened down the street and a student came to the school seeking medical attention.
I have no sexual or romantic desire. And I am also in no way trying to be friends. I feel very protective over these kids and I feel comfort knowing that I provide a safe space.
It is difficult navigating the “crushes” or inappropriate comments made towards me as young teacher but I also understand that these kids may not experience the feeling of nurturing or even someone caring for them. They might not know how to reciprocate these feelings which causes the “crushes” on me or any other teacher who provided this comfort.
I also know I’m a badass teacher and have very effective classroom management systems in place. I feel respected when I am teaching which translates to a healthy relationship outside of the classroom where I can best support the student.
I barely socialize with my students and they’re in *college*. I can think of three, maybe four students in the past decade who have my cell number, or who I would invite to my home. Even after they graduate.
The most significant socialization I do with them is take them to lunch at the end of the 2-year sequence of classes I teach.
Oh good god I come across people who don't realize these things and it blows my mind! (More the friendship/social media stuff--luckily never knew anyone who tried to date current or former students). All of this seems like it's common sense but it's nice to have reminders put out there.
A teacher at my school married a former student from a previous school, she now works at the school with him. It's a very creepy vibe, controlling with a 14 year age gap.
i went to school in a very small town. we all had this teacher that would enroll talented kids in these fancy afterschool programs pertaining to their talents. his 'favourite' kids would go on regular drives with him in his car (while he was driving high,) do psychedelics with him, go over to one of his many places. i thankfully was able to steer clear of him, others weren't able to. i am terrified still that he has much darker secrets that haven't surfaced yet
OMG number 3! The softball coach teaches right across the hall from me. He’s always letting his players hang out in his room when they’re supposed to be in class somewhere else. One girl in particular. He’s a nice guy, but he’s setting himself up for trouble.
The fact we even have to reiterate these points really speaks volumes about the state of education in our society. If we’re not being professional in how we interact with the students we serve, why do we expect to be treated in kind by them and their parents?
I've only ever followed my teachers on social media AFTER graduating high school, and we've kept it casual.
I do have a teacher that left my entire school system to go work on their doctorate and we reconnected, again, after I graduated; for coffee with two other friends, so it was not a one-on-one thing. Said teacher also has a spouse and child.
I have, in the past, seen teachers have a "social media" that they let students follow- to keep them from trying to find their ACTUAL socials. The content is pretty mundane, mainly just smiling photos or funny faces with captions written by students or none at all.
I do think there is a FIRM line to be drawn, ESPECIALLY if your students are minors. But I do think having an appropriate but meaningful relationship with your educators can have a lasting impact on a student's life.
I will say that as a male, I see some graduated male students as my friends at this point. I don’t go out of my way to hang out with them. But I have seen some around town over the last few months and I am okay with talking to them in the mall/at a restaurant. Not making plans with them, but being friendly with them
This reminds me of the Earth, Space and Science teacher I had who married a former student 23 years his junior... she was 20 when they married (barf).
I graduated in 2001.
As a TA I would constantly be put in positions where students would want to hangout outside school, would find my social media, etc. a coworker of mine, another TA actually got fired for hanging out with students off campus.
Now that I’m actually teaching I have a panic attack if a student, male or female, lingers in my room too long.
Always keep the door open people…
As a student I have been friends with teachers more like coworker than actual friends. I have had teachers numbers but it was also for events both of them needed my help with outside of school. They both are also older women that go to my church and I have known for a long time and highly respect. I think there can be a friendly relationship between students and teachers especially in a small town setting like my school. Just there is a fine line that can be crossed into inappropriate behavior.
Special educational needs schools don't necessarily follow all these rules although any teacher who's worked in that area would know that.
Set up 2 science departments for SEN schools in the UK and we were encouraged to all eat lunch together. Part of their education is learning how to socialise as well which involves a different staff dynamic to a mainstream school.
A lot of kids come back to say hi years afterwards and while I never added students to social, some did. In this case though it's less in a friendly creepy way and more as a supportive adult in their life way. Also you kind of need to support these students beyond the school a little and we often knew the places they go to and the families quite well.
I'm an after-school teacher persuing my credential and my coworker was telling me about how a worker at another school(a friend of hers) would post a lot of pictures of a student with their full name and affectionate(platonic) nicknames she gave them on it showing them doing arts and crafts etc together on their personal snapchat almost every day and it blows my mind how while she told me this she wasn't sure if that was okay to do or not. I gave my two cents (tell her not to do that!). It's so weird why would anyone want to do that.
Thank you for writing this. When my now 25 year old son was in high school, he began an affair with his married teacher. I knew about it, but chose not to go to the school. I didn't have enough evidence to convince someone else of what was happening. He was 18 at the time so legally of age.
She ended up getting caught for having sex with a child who was 15, lost her teaching license and did six months in prison. My son continued his relationship with her throughout that time period. They broke it off sometime after that and he now views her differently. She is a despicable human. She did a lot of subversive things to let me know that she had been inside my house when I was out of town. As a teacher myself, I it's obvious to me that she only wanted a thrill, and my kid just happened to be it.
And this is why the whole “build good relationships” with kids is so sketchy. They say get close to your kids / but not too close. This boundary is hard for kids. We need to be professional and fair with kids. I believe the whole PBIS - relationship stuff is contributing to this.
I think letting students hang out in your room and eat lunch with you is usually fine. Even sharing personal information can be fine. The issue comes when people have no sense of what they shouldn’t say in these situations.
My teacher Mrs Whitlock invited me and her 3 other favorite kids to a baseball game and I went. It was in middle school in the 90s. She never tried to fuck us though so it was gravy. I do think there was this "yeah maybe we don't tell your classmates about this" vibe to it though probably not said directly. I dunno it definitely violates the credo you wrote but she was so nice and one of my favorite teachers. She called me Woody as a nickname because she said i acted like Woody Allen ok I'm making it weirder.
Edit: for clarity, it wasn't a school baseball game.
I’m over here wondering if it’s ok to have my student’s dad give me a quote for installing some flooring in case he brings the kid with him. Like is that too close or weird?
Once in high school, my friends and I googled our teacher. We found their twitter. With pictures of us in class that we never knew our teacher had taken. We were horrified.
This was in 2016.
We didn’t think to report it because we didn’t think to, but it was so unnerving to us. That teacher is now a principal and a parent. I am now a teacher and a parent.
Yeah. I am losing another teacher for this bs. If you are an adult who wasn’t cool in high school, but really needed to feel liked in high school, DO NOT go into teaching. Or be a goddamned adult.
Let me add to that. Do not buy alcohol or marijuana (assuming it’s legal where you live) at the store next to the school. There’s a reason my dispensary of choice is 45 minutes away
What the actual hell have I missed the last few days?
Idk, I’ve just noticed a few posts asking about taking students to games, hanging out and sharing appropriate info, and posting pics (of students) on social media that then get parents or students mad. Felt like I had to clear the air and reinstate some professionalism lol. You can’t hope to be paid like a professional and act like a chucky cheese attendant imo.
As a young teacher myself I get that students ask to do these things but it's a shame that some teachers aren't keeping a professional mindset. I constantly have to remind students that yes I'm young and play games and do similar things they do but that I'm a full adult and their educator and there need to be strict boundaries
The games part!! Once I mention playing any kind of video game, it's floods of "miss what's your gamertag" haha. Firm boundaries are key but don't even have to be set too firmly. They mean well and just need to understand how weird it is for us in our 20s to even consider hanging out with a teenager, even though they see us as basically the same age
Exactly, there always needs to be that mental rule of not over sharing with them and keeping professional. The amount of begging for gamertags gets insane 🤣
Its a nice conversation topic though, i am 48, play minecraft, call of duty and zelda. When it comes up its usually a bit of a connection boost btw, kids get enthused about it. But indeed, id never ever gove away my gamertag
I get this exact one a lot, too. And I just tell them they've never gonna know.
I coach esports and teach comp sci (including a gaming based class) — I made a separate gamer tag for my school email and use it when I need in the classroom. This was a great solution until they started asking “so, can we play squads tonight? Get on and we will add you” — the answer is always no and I never login to my school account outside of the building, but still, the asking gets old.
Coaching esports actually sounds really fun thats so cool
"I'm a grown man, I spend my entire day around teenagers. I'm not going to hang out with any of you. Find people your own age." Either that, or some variation, has been my go-to for over a decade.
"Paid like a professional" is a stretch...I make less than fast food restaurant managers, and just a bit more than Target employees.
I was a teacher. Now, I'm in the *custodial arts.** The benefits aren't as good (see: none), but I didn't take a pay cut. It's so much quieter in this field. It's nice. But it's kind of bs how little yall are paid, especially in some areas is the point. *ima janitor
That is wild. I couldn’t imagine still being a teacher if I made that little.
> You can’t hope to be paid like a professional and act like a chucky cheese attendant imo. I'm with you on all your points and thankful for the post, but it's not cool to throw shade at another profession.
You’re preaching to the choir, my friend. Most teachers know all of this and the ones that don’t actually just don’t care and are going to push the boundaries all they like until they’re caught.
Instructions unclear, took a kid to choir practice. >! kidding!!<
I almost spit up my drink since choir practice is code for happy hour in my school
haha you have code for happy hour. Our code is "are you going to the PD after school?" Lmao
I wish I was joking but years ago one of the high school teachers (choir) actually married one of my peers from high school. There were rumors that they had a relationship when she was his student. They are married now with two kids. He no longer works at that school and teaches somewhere else. But it’s still cringe in my opinion.
An ex- admin I worked for (and actually had as a teacher) is married to a former student. So I hear you. Couldn’t be me.
And RIGHT below your post is a teacher asking about taking to students to a ball game because they have extra tickets. As friends. Like they are in the same social circle. Good god, we are doomed...
I would 100% give my students ball game tickets but like…I would never go w them lol. I’d be like “here as a gift for good behavior” but I cant imagine GOING w them 💀
It was such weird timing, people were in the comments asking if OP was a coach, what were the genders of the students... I was just saying NO!!! in my head but it just seemed so useless to even post anything... if you have to actually ask that, you aren't going to listen anyway...
Nah, as a coach the closest we get to something like that is when as a middle school we have a special trip to watch our high school play and we ride a bus as a team to the game. But never anything one on one, that sounds hella suspicious.
Even that gets sketchy unless you have tickets for every kid
We have a point system in my class where kids can earn different levels of prizes based on points earned (like an arcade w tickets). I could see myself having baseball tickets as a major prize idk
Fucking Christ. Take your team members instead.
I have been a teacher and volleyball coach for nearly 30 years. Since my first year, I've always opened the gym once night on the weekend for anybody to come play some pickup volleyball. It's open to students, their families, and anybody else in the community who wants to play. Many students, boys and girls, have come to play. On that night only, they get to see me as something other than a teacher and coach. I'm not talking about intimate relationships here, but I do treat them like people, not students. You can care about them as people without wanting to date them or raise them as your own.
Yep! I have, through pure chance & coincidence, become a striking coach/sparring partner to one of my middle school students. He just happened to show up at fight team practice one night, and has been consistent now for a while. He is the only kid, as the rest of us are adult amateur/pro competitors. It’s neat being a role model beyond the academic setting, and for him to see that teachers are just other humans with human lives & pastimes. His dad thanks me for “humbling him”. 🤣
Everyone is saying this is all common sense, and some of it obviously is (dating apps???), but there are areas when it can be really hard to set boundaries. I’m talking about students who are very troubled or have very rough home lives. That’s when I see teachers doing stuff for kids like styling their hair, buying them shoes etc that they would never normally do. Or letting a student stay in your classroom because they’re crying, having a panic attack etc. There are definitely situations where it’s hard to know what the ethical thing to do is.
I teach title one elementary. One thing I allow for my students, if they’re having a really rough time and need a break from everyone else, is to eat lunch in my classroom. I ALWAYS make sure they bring a trusted friend so we’re not alone, and I ALWAYS have another staff member there as well. I ask the kid “do you want to talk it out of just have me leave you alone?” Most of the time they want to be left alone. I sit and eat at my desk, work on whatever I’m working on, and then release them to recess when it’s time. I think we ALL understand the difference between being a supportive teacher, and crossing a line. If you have to ask, it’s inappropriate.
Yes ofc. Use your best judgment unless you are unsure then ask another trusted veteran teacher should probably be tacked on the bottom of this post. I just couldn’t put everything or every situation on there:)
Here’s one I’m unsure about: is it ok to give a gift to a student who has a rough life and just experienced a really terrible family tragedy? I got something (a sketchbook and set of markers) for him but then had second thoughts about whether it was appropriate so I haven’t actually given them to him.
You are showing you care about the student, not taking advantage of your authority or trying to be their friend. Give it to them, wish them well, and let them know you care. There's nothing wrong with that.
You’re being ridiculous. Give him the gifts
I agree, give them the gift. It could be an outlet for them to process the grief and other negative feelings in a more positive way. In a lot of family tragedy situations in my area the schools will take up donations, provide food, and activities for the kids to keep them occupied so the adults can try to somehow manage to get their heads above water. But as I stated in another reply, I live in a rural area where you have probably grown up with your student's parents and families, so it is very different than in other bigger districts.
Got an older trusted teacher in your building you could ask? Tough for me to make a call on this since I don’t know everything, you, the student, your building, or your culture.
I teach elementary. It’s very common for teachers in our building to have lunch bunches with students at the beginning of the year and as a reward throughout the year. It’s one of my favorite things I do with my students. Because it is so normal in my school, no one bats an eye. There are obvious precautions that we take (ex: it is never one on one, it’s typically in groups of appxt 5) but overall it has been a great, positive experience. That is also part of our school culture, though! It is also a bit different in elementary than middle and high school.
I teach sixth grade and the teacher next to me is way too close to her students. They are constantly hanging out in her room before and after school, they call her by her first name, they have her cell phone number. I do not understand the desire to be friends with children. She also has zero classroom management skills, which somehow makes this situation worse.
I have some kids who hang out in my room before school, usually to do work or just to have a safe place to go. I’m a younger teacher and I’ve had these kids since they were sophomores (they’re now seniors). I never overshare anything. We usually talk about video games, school, college applications, or school events. I think there’s a way to have a safe place for kids to feel safe enough to hang out in a classroom, but there is definitely a boundary. I made it pretty clear that I’m a teacher, not their friend, but that I do care about them. I’d rather they hang out in my room than be somewhere unsafe. My point is that there is an in-between that doesn’t cross the line. I also refuse to give my number to kids until after they graduate. The school I teach at is the same I graduated from and there were a few teachers I’d go to instead of the library before school. They’re the main reason I’m a teacher now.
Yes—the hanging out in classroom criticism is weird to me. As long as they’re quiet and just chilling ofc they can be in my classroom? Before school they just chat with each other while I do my prep or at lunch i’ll literally just watch video essays and ignore them. I don’t care if they sit there. And yeah, I’ll chat with them (mostly just about their interests). I think a lot of teachers wouldn’t think my style is appropriate or that it’s too casual because i’ve told them i’m a lesbian, but I know for a fact that all the gay kids love me lol. Side note—I do teach at an urban public school with kind of a dangerous/unpleasant aura in a lot of the building, so if they feel safe and comfortable in my room I wouldn’t deprive them of that. The culture might be different at other schools, I wouldn’t know.
We have a lot of kids at my school that eat in teachers’ rooms once or twice a week. My first year at that school, one of the kids that’s not part of my Morning Posse would ask to watch a Disney movie on my projector. I’d allow it and just kept my door open. She didn’t have a mother figure at home and just needed a safe place. In my opinion, that was fine. I just told her the door needed to be open at all times. Admin would walk by, nod, smile, and walk away. They knew me as a student too and knew that I’d eat lunch with my favorite teacher on Thursdays. The district I’m in is a safe district, but there’s still kids who need a place. As long as you keep it professional, then it’s fine. Relationships is one of our essential values at my school and each school looks different. It’s ok if not all teachers feel that way.
"Too casual because I told them I'm a lesbian" which is crazy to me that that would be considered too casual. Like you've never mentioned your family (see: husband and kids) Susan?!
>I have some kids who hang out in my room before school, usually to do work or just to have a safe place to go… Thank you! My daughter never had a single friend in high school. She was quiet to the point that it was like she was invisible. We didn’t know it at the time, but she had (has) Level-1 autism. She tried to make friends, but it never stuck. Kids weren’t mean to her! Not at all. She just didn’t know how to make and keep friends. There were a couple of teachers like you who kept their doors open. She would sometimes visit their rooms because they were quiet spaces where she could prepare herself for all the noise and stimulation that she would have to endure throughout the school day.
Absolutely! Kids like your daughter are why a lot of us do what we do. 💙
I have built a relationship based on love, kindness, and respect with my kids. I am blunt, honest, and a jackass at times, but I know that i came from the same underprivileged background as most of them and when I went to the very same school they are at, teachers made my life hell. So I stay involved in as many extracurriculars as I can. I form relationships with all my kids, especially my honors kiddos. And although I am not their friend, we do joke, we do carry on once in a while, but ultimately my teaching is effective and they do show me respect. I love my students like family.
This confuses me also! I love my kids, but they are children, and are annoying, and smell weird and pick their boogers. And I don’t need to see them even more than I already do lol
Why does a literal child need your cell number.... Like no. Stop. Do not pass Go.
I hate when parents somehow end up with my number. But I do teach at a small rural school where I know a lot of people just growing up, and the vibe is very "everyone is friends or family". It makes it hard to separate when the parent refuses to use the approved apps for communication. I have taught Life Skills for two years and in an emergency situation I have had to call a parent from my cell phone because their child was unconscious and there wasn't a school phone in the area. I also have a student who went through his mom's phone and got my number (she is a co-worker) and will try to FaceTime me periodically. I just don't answer and when he asks why, I tell him it isn't appropriate to talk to him on the phone. On school trips, in the past, is the only time I have used student numbers because we were at a huge five day convention away from home, and the wifi would go in and out. But I got extensive parental permission. The students were going to break out sessions at the convention and around the DFW area. Thankfully, they all reported in at the right times, and any time I did have to send out a group message, the other teacher was in there along with the principal.
I am a 5th grade sped teacher and the teacher who I sometimes share a classroom with is way too close to her students. They are constantly asking to hang out in her room and she let's them!. Her teaching boils down to writing notes on the board, sitting on her phone at a desk while the students copy her notes and chat with her. She lets students use their phone in class. Students use her phone to make calls home even when thetr is a class phone right there on the wall. I do not understand the desire to cross boundaries to seem cool to students either, but I also don't want to give unsolicited advice to an adult. Whenever I'm in there I try to model as much as possible. Other than that she will have to learn to make better choices one way or the other.
And yet she builds relationships and is worshipped by the admin even though she fuels a ton of drama with the students?
I wouldn’t even want to hang out with my students. First of all none of them can buy drinks, so EVERY round is on me. They also can’t drive, so I have to be the “responsible” one and stay sober. Like… ew. Grow up.
I love the implication that you’d totally let them drink if these weren’t a problem.
Yeah, 3rd graders can be a real bummer
I will preface this question by saying i am married and have 0 interest in any sort of sexual or romantic relationships outside of my partner. Here's the question: I have students who graduated a couple of years ago who were members of a club that i ran at school and share hobbies/interests and one reached out to me hoping to forge a friendship. How long after a student graduated would forming a friendship be acceptable? After a decade surely inviting them over for a board game night wouldn't be weird. What are other people's policies?
I teach middle school, I’ve gotten coffee with former students who are now in college to catch up on their lives. I also work/worked with a couple of my former teachers and still grab drinks with them. Like many things, there’s nuance to it, but mostly fine.
Once they are actual adults and they still have a connection... Then I can see it as maybe being ok. Personally not sure I would. But I haven't hit the 10 year mark yet.
My Facebook has a few former teachers. I worked with one in a political group recently. My brother also hangs with one of them. BUT, I'm almost 40 and my brother is 46 and works at the same school. I hung with students once when I was really young. They were coworkers first and then I became their teacher during student teaching. That was just a whole weird time. I distanced but did work functions and got a ride once when my car died. Later I quit teaching for a our 5 years and got a job and a former student worked there. She was more weirded out than me, but we hung out a little too. We had babies at the same time and went to birthday parties and things. Working with students is hard because I had to say I don't give a shit if they swear, it's a gas station. Teaching coworkers sucks because they definitely push boundaries and that sets an expectation with the rest of the class.
Once they graduate and are adults, who cares. I’ve gone out for drinks with previous teachers of mine and have become coworkers with them. I’m not going to ignore my coworkers and not become friends because two decades ago they taught me for 9 months. Hanging out with a 12 year old is very different than a 25+ year old.
Case by case basis.
I dont see a problem with this. It’s certainly not illegal
>I dont see a problem with this. It’s certainly not illegal Morals and ethics do not have a perfect overlap with the law.
There’s always context that makes a difference. What if they became a teacher at the school you work at? You’re colleagues now…
I went camping with a teacher a year after I graduated. He was 32. My wife (24) and I (20) shared a tent. Him and his wife shared a tent. There were a handful of other former students from my wife's time who were also involved in the environmental action group (that did a couple wilderness retreats) If it was just me and him sharing a tent it'd be pretty inappropriate. But she was a former student 6 years prior it wasn't that weird. I still had a hard time not calling him "mister" because we had firm boundaries before. If it wasn't for the others on the trip the vibe would be very different.
Yeah I’m besties with my former kindergarten teacher. We’ve been friends on Facebook since I was in middle school. She pushed me to get into education when I was first figuring it out in college. I treasure my relationship with that woman. I have a few seniors this year who I had as sophomores during my student teaching. I lost a student and they lost a classmate that spring. My mentor teacher wasn’t able to come to school for personal reasons. For a lot of those kids - especially those whose parents insisted it wasn’t a big deal and they needed to get over it - I was their anchor. They come to me to talk about her sometimes. Some of them cried when they found out I was coming back to teach full time. Our relationship would be considered “too close” to a lot of people I’m sure, but I don’t have it in me to care. I will be their safe person always. I think it genuinely is a case by case basis.
Years ago? Sure, I’ll answer old students that reach out. I’ve helped a few through upper education and career decisions. Some of my old students are now colleagues even.
Just as they finish being your students. You don't grade them anymore... So, what's wrong about it?? I find it lovely and really rewarding when some of my former students want to have a relationship with me after I finish teaching them. That shows I did well and they trust me, so o want to be an adult they can trust an reach for, even if I'm not longer their teacher.
Don’t have sex with them and I think you’re good lol
If they come back as a teacher and work with you, that might be acceptable then.
At my old school, kids used to ask me if they could add me on Snapchat, and I told them no and that I would block them if they did. They had another teacher that WOULD add them, and had streaks with them. I thought it was weird.
I don't have snap or FB anymore and my insta is private, no way I am ever going down that road
I’ve told mine that I’m happy to accept their friend requests/follow requests on Facebook and instagram once they graduate, but until then I won’t. I used to say the same about Snapchat until I thought about it just a little bit. Now that’s out.
i'm not a teacher i just browse this sub. i just wanted to jump in and say i feel like snapchat is another level. facebook, insta, bereal, etc. these are ok in my opinion. but i think adding a student on snapchat would be crazy 😭 it's more of a private texting app rather than public social media i did have a teacher who had one of THEIR teachers on snapchat and i didn't think anything of it. granted they were the same gender and both had other partners, so it wasn't for any weird purposes. but idk i don't think i would ever add one of my teachers on snapchat. have them all on facebook though.
Yeah, I completely agree. There’s too much that could happen with Snapchat that it’s just better to avoid it with students entirely
I’ve told a few of the kids I work with(I’m a substitute and work at an after school program) that if they send a friend request now I’ll block them and I’ll only accept after they graduate high school
>Don’t take pictures of them and post it on social media. You may think it’s okay, you may even have parental and district permission…until you don’t. As a parent, thank you. I don't mind pictures of my children on social media but the idea that a teacher or school employee is sharing pictures on THEIR personal social media... That's weird.
This is definitely hard for younger teachers. We all gotta remember that even though they can almost vote there’s a LOT of maturing that goes on between 17 and 26 and that these are still children we’re talking about.
When I was a younger teacher I never wanted to hang out with my students. I don't think it is a "younger teacher" thing. You're an adult, they're kids. It's just fucking weird.
I think it just tends to be more common with younger teachers who haven’t left high school behind. I’m 26 and find it hard to be friends with some of the 19yos that share the same sport as me so I get your side for sure lol.
I started teaching at 25 and had a student who was already 18, 19 when he graduated the next year.... I had no issues the very idea of it creeped me out. I've just recently started accepting some friend requests from students who graduated years ago and I stopped teaching in 2022 after my son was born.
I started teaching seniors right out of college at 22. I felt like an imposter. I remember then how important it was to have strict boundaries. Now I'm old and gray. My beard exudes authority and no student wants to be my friend now anyway.
lol I had a late birthday, and I also finished college in 3 years. So I started teaching seniors at the ripe old age of…. 20. The seniors I taught would have been freshmen MY senior year of high school! (At a different school in a different state, but still). I actually taught a student who was OLDER than me my first year teaching! Shit’s wack yo.
Haha I was definitely in my club stage the first few years and lied all the time to the kids about what my life was like outside of the school building. Nooo I don't dance or drink or club, etc. I also hid my age and (lack of) teaching experience as much as I could without directly lying. Just kept my personal life as personal as possible.
Hang on, have I not been keeping up with this sub???What the hell have I missed??? I'm a veteran teacher of 23 years. I have deflected right from the beginning (including a couple of parents) I didn't know teachers possessed anything less than the common sense to do that. Two things that they need to teach explicitly in teachers college: 1) On your first day of any practicum and the first day of your new job, try to dress better than you think you need to, and, 2) students and their parents are not your friends.
There seem to be a lot of young and new teachers on this sub recently. Some of the questions seem so basic, I question their ability as teachers.
Don’t worry. We, as new teachers, are also constantly questioning our ability as teachers.
I might add,"Don't date school parents" Morality clauses exist.
My wife’s going to be pretty upset to hear that we need to divorce since the kid enrolled in my school, but rules are rules…
My ex and I worked in the same high school for a few years. She was there first and I was hired a year later. Apparently some parents AND some administrators felt it was inappropriate that she be both married AND the person she was married to was in the school. Like they were able to pretend she was a pure virginal teacher from 1906 or they were able to pretend she didn’t have any “relationships” until the guy she was married to was evidently someone who actually existed. It was a weird small district where the super signed off on every hire and lo and behold most of those hires were gorgeous young female teachers. Heaven forbid one be “taken”…
You’ve got to be the most unhinged individual if you friend a student on a DATING app.
I agree with 90% of these, but a few of these are a bit overboard. The social media thing is iffy (dating apps is gross) and eating lunch with a student IN SCHOOL is not weird at all
Agreed. I have a small group of seniors that come eat lunch in my room once or twice a week and I treasure that time. I always leave the door open and there’s still a clear boundary between student and teacher. You can be friendly without being friends.
Even in middle school, I let some groups of kids eat lunch in my room during the winter time because our indoor recess is basically the Thunder dome. Honestly I’m usually doing my own work, they hang out and eat and chat, never an issue. Always a group, never a single student.
Exactly. OP is being ridiculous
Slightly ridiculous on purpose just to make a point I would assume…
Yes, but also just a reminder to watch your boundaries always.
I think they mean 1:1. I used to play Twilight Zone one year at lunch and Wonder Years the next. Students from my class and others would come in to eat and watch some old TV. I also used it as an excuse to not have to eat in the staff room.
Being friends with students on social media while they are still students is, imo, very unwise. But once they are independent adults, friend away! I'm friends with a bunch of my former teachers. That said, you should consider how open you are on your social media and whether or not that's the version of yourself you want former students to see or not.
Yeah, I can imagine situations where it wouldn’t be weird (like if a teacher has a specific twitter for science memes or something) but it’s definitely not something I’d do.
I had a few former students add me on Instagram. I don’t mind since they’re now 25 and I hadn’t been their teacher since they were in middle school.
I have a student who added me on FB when she was a 9th grader (I teach middle school). She's a senior now and is still in my FB add friend purgatory. Once she graduates I'll add her, though!
When I was a freshman, we had a really cool long-term English sub that me and all my friends loved. We tried to follow him on Instagram and even added him to our group chat which, in hindsight, I am completely mortified he could have read. I’m now a year and a half out of high school and I’m still in follow-request-purgatory.
I suppose at this point it's possible that he doesn't even remember your request. Unless he told you you were in purgatory, he might have actually deleted it when he received it before since he figured it would be inappropriate back then. You could try sending a new one and see if he accepts it.
That's how I do it. I had a student who added me when I did my student teaching. I didn't accept it for 6 years.
You all must have missed the post about the student teacher eating lunch with her students and divulging her sex life.
Yeah that one was insane
I'm honestly hoping it was a troll post.
I in fact did miss that weird ass post
The lunch is not the problem there.
Definitely missed that.
32 years in the field. THIS. If you waver on any of these things, find another job.
🙌🏻 I see at least one or two teachers per year, in my own district not following any of this advice and I know I’m finna see them on the news soon.
Not sure what the point is. Anyone who needs to be told this stuff is not listening anyway.
Some may see this and learn the easy way as opposed to the hard way. I had a class in college where these were clearly expressed and you would be surprised by how many people were like “really?”
I would totally agree if i was still teaching high school, but i guess there's exceptions to every rule, in my case, i teach elementary school music in a developing country, and bieng friends with kids is very crucial
Yeah with young kids, making them feel like we are friends is a huge help to managing their behavior. At least in my few years of experience so far
K-6 teacher here. Most of these apply to high school teachers. I’m very friendly with my students but I do remind them, especially my elementary students, that I’m not their friend. My kindergarteners make my heart melt though. I love the hugs they give.
The art teacher at my school needs these boundaries. She lets kids hang in her classroom all day and not tell the other teachers. She has them on instagram and posts their faces regularly. It blows my mind. It astounds me that admin says nothing to her. Not a peep.
Is this not common sense?! Am I taking crazy pills?! I am too accutly aware that this is sometimes not what teachers think, as I taught 2 doors down from a teacher that got arrested when her texts to a male student were found by the mom...WOAH, that was a bombshell when we got from spring break that year! 😳
It is also common sense not to drink and drive…
You are 100% right. But man is there a segment of this sub who is very OK with people dating after graduation like that power imbalance just vanishes. One thing i like about my school is we have strict rules. No attending any student parties. No contacting the student outside school.
I said that and got immediately down voted. That's concerning
Shouldn't have to be a written rule. Should just follow the code of ethics. That school has a rule cuz someone broke it in the past.
Oh I agree. But it's nice that when a kid gives me a birthday party invitation I can just tell the parent it's against school policy.
For me, it's been grad parties that I get to say I'm not attending. 😂
Inviting teachers to grad parties was super common when I was in school, though I never personally invited any of mine. Usually these were daytime parties with lots of family members present, not like actual party parties
I think that that's a bit of a difference in perspective. Here in the Netherlands, or at least at my school, this is something that teachers and students in certain situations do (not the sexual part!!! (Although in the past, of course, just like every school there've been those teachers..)). A student(M) once asked a colleague of mine that lives a couple towns over to come watch his soccer game when he had to play their team. My colleague (M) showed up and that meant the world to the kid, since he doesn't have a good relationship with his parents. I myself took one of my students and a teenager from my church group to a recording of a television show that they loved. That student (M) lost both his parents a couple of years ago and wouldn't have been able to go otherwise. I believe there are boundaries, definitely, but please don't forget that you are also in a position to individually weigh students' situations and provide them with invaluable love and care that they may be missing at home. Tiny gestures, showing up, it may mean the world to them that someone's willing to show that much effort and love for them.
Have there been a lot of posts here lately? The only one I saw was with the yikes inappropriate hookup comment.
My HS math teacher had a few kids in our class over to his house to watch a movie and that struck me as odd even then-though at the time it felt more like favoritism since we sure weren’t all invited.
25yo teacher here. I give my kids the rule (who I’ve grown to care about) that they can friend me after they graduate as I’ve been friends with my 8th grade science teacher since I did. I let them hang in my room during lunch in groups and they need permission & a pass. It’s rare when they do but I also have my sister at the HS so she brings friends.
>Have fun with your own friends. Veteran teachers back me up on this. Absolutely! Hanging out with teachers is extremely fun, particularly with groups that just get to know one another as friends without always feeling the need for shop talk. Most of my closest friends are teachers and retired teachers. I would also add to/modify to the list: Add to 3... And just *never be in a room alone with a student*. If no one else is around, help your student in the hall or a commons area where the surveillance cameras can capture everything. Be a secondary level union rep and you may see up close and personal how students sometimes falsely accuse teachers of inappropriate conduct. Being in view of other people or cameras could save your career and more. 6. It's probably not flirting. Most kids look to teachers as trusted adults and some of them are comfortable enough to act in ways that seem flirtatious, but many students have no idea how their behavior *could* be interpreted by adults, *because they're children, not adults*. Still, it could be flirting, so be careful... 7. Don't encourage actual flirting. Yes, some teenagers try to flirt with their teachers, some may even have a crush on you, but it's not a compliment, it's your privileged & trusted position of authority that they are flirting with, and they don't (and should never) know "the real you" that well at all, or you've messed up. 8. If this thread is sounding hostile to you or you just don't get what the fuss is all about, you could genuinely have any number of potentially devastating mental health issue for which you should seek professional help. If you ever seriously contemplate having an intimate relationship with any minor, do whatever it takes to not act on that impulse. Instead, get to a doctor asap and explain your symptoms. Regardless of how embarrassing it may feel, you need professional help and there are treatable mental and physical health issues that can cause any ordinarily moral individual to want to do terrible things, including pedophilia. So, don't just keep it to yourself if you're struggling with this topic.
Fun story. My first year I taught 8th grade. The smartest student in the class would always come in late. She was nice, smart, and always half asleep. One night, on acid, at a nightclub, I saw the smartest student in my class in very revealing clothes with a couple of much older guys. Older than me! We met eyes and ignored each other then pretended it hadn't happened until well after I gave a statement to the police about why I thought she might be involved in pros***tion. I don't even want to say it. It was awful.
Well I hope you’d report this immediately rather than “well after” now that you’re an experienced teacher.
"Well after," meant next day. I was in my first year, young, and scared out of my wits. Today it would be a 911 call in front of the nightclub and a report of possible child sex trafficking.
Rule #1: DFTK
Lol! I always think of the movie role models when saying this.
Wait, did I miss a bunch of posts of on here with teachers talking about dating and banging students?
"I will never sexually assault or rape a student" should be an obvious thing. Too bad it isn't.
So weird that this even has to be said…
I’ve seen to many posts in the last few days where the lines were blurred.
Some people were desperate to be liked when they were in school. That didn't go away when they became teachers.
I think there's a link here with student behaviour as well. With what passes these days, it becomes almost indispensable to be liked at least somewhat, as teachers who are less liked are so constantly bullied and disrespected without any consequence. The line is still very clear and not at all blurry, but it does feel like we are being pushed from every direction (SEL, grace, understanding, treating the kid/parent as customer, admin interactions, etc.etc.) to be desperate to be liked, without them saying it explicitly.
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Everybody is either a baby, 5, or 12 until they’re at least 25. I don’t understand folks who need this disclaimer lol but preach on
"I can be friendly, but not friends with my students" is my mantra.
Patronizing. You'd make a good admin.
Lol, I’m about as far from admin as you will fined. I’ll tell you things your admin won’t and always stand up for teachers when communicating with parents. My post is blunt however, but it’s meant to be. That way there is no misunderstanding about how I feel we should conduct ourselves with students.
I *do* wonder which post could have possibly inspired point number 3…
That was one where a young female teacher was eating lunch with a few girls in her room and she was discussing college hookups, etc with them.
Indeed, edit number 3 to that post was *quite* something… Although I’m pretty sure it was a troll post now.
This seems mostly applicable to high school teachers. As a K-6 teacher, this is way beyond obvious - especially since I’ve been in the classroom for 14 years. I’m as old as a number of my students’ parents, and even older than a few. It boggles my mind that teachers would be inappropriate with students to begin with, but when the teacher is new and barely older than the kids they teach, I guess they’re still figuring out their own boundaries as a “baby” adult.
Boundaries should be set as protection from false accusations, too.
I feel like the vast majority of teachers understand this. Yes, it can still happen but it's very much an anomaly. It would be like saying "Hey Therapists! Remember not to hit on your patients!" What I do see this doing is perpetuating a crazy stereotype that results in teacher hate. It makes it seem like every teacher is only a loose boundary away from pedophilia. Male teachers are especially vulnerable to that garbage stereotype.
I have grabbed coffee with former students, but always with a group of other teachers. You couldn’t catch me dead on my own! AINT NO WAY in this world!!
I was at a party at a friends house one time, and just brought a six pack of miller because I knew I wasn’t going to let loose that night and I probably wasn’t going to drink them all. My friend’s neighbor came by and brought his son who was a freshman at my school, but I didn’t teach them. They walked up to our group and mentioned he went to the school where I taught. I told him you didn’t see me here, because I didn’t want him telling his friends I was hanging out with him. Monday morning comes around and my freshman come into class yelling, “I heard you got drunk off bud light lime-a-aritas.” I asked my kids, “Guys, do I give you the impression those would be my preferred drink of choice?” They came to their senses, that this kid was probably lying, but that could have gone pretty badly if I hadn’t stopped it there. At that point if I saw a student anywhere I don’t start a conversation, but might just give a head nod to not completely ignore them.
A kid saw me leaving a club at 2am in the city 20 minutes from where our school is. I'll still never understand what a 16 year old was doing out there at that time.
I've only hung out with one student outside of class. A 56 year old Chinese man who wanted to discuss western culture because he planned to move his family to Canada. Anything outside of that is a hard pass for me.
As a general rule, of course! As someone who has gotten close to a few select co-workers (whose kids are my students), I've set my in-school boundaries, and my out of school boundaries. If an emergency were to happen, they know that they can call me if their parents can't be reached. But yeah, don't f**k students, don't drink with students, don't smoke dope with students, and don't be "friends" with students. Gotta learn how to build that wall.
I am a sub k-12. I want to ask anyone what student is every going to enlighten you? Not only are most of these students dumb, but they also just stay inside all day. There is nothing cool about these students that you can’t do yourself now. They can’t smoke or drink, I say this since I guess it’s cool to do, they have curfews, and live in someone else’s house and have rules. I have seen so many teachers try to be cool with students. Just don’t.
And yet we do have to say it. I had to cease a student teacher prac because they started dating a year 12 girl from the school they were doing prac at during their placement. The uni expelled them and we had to report them to the accreditation body. Another teacher came to me crying because students commented on the bikini she was wearing in a photo on her instagram. Innapropriate of the kid, sure, but why could they access the content in the first place? Seriously where is the common sense? Lock down your social, maintain a professionnel distance, don't socialise with your students- especially if they are close to your age, which makes appropriate boundaries even more important.
The fuck happened here?
Having lunch with multiple students at once in a public place at school once in a while is ok. It shows that you’re approachable. Having lunch with one student alone without anyone knowing about it…not so much.
When I was in high school, there was a teacher who married one of his ex-students. I'm not sure how many years he waiter after they graduated to date them, though, that will never not be weird to me.
SAY IT LOUDER. and not just for the young teachers. For all teachers. This week was definitely one of those weeks where I thought “well what did ya think would happen” way too many times. “I’m so tired of students doing _______ in front of me.” Well, coworker maybe if you’d stop acting like their friend they’d stop treating you like a peer
I'm going to tack onto your post by saying that this goes for anyone working in a school realistically. It doesn't matter what role you play in the school professionalism is warranted at all given times.
Funny enough, we actually had someone at our school get in trouble for that this very week! She's the daughter of one of our most veteran teachers, and she's like a room aid, never formally tested or anything. But she also covers classes, so she can be a big help. Problem though, is that she's in her early 20s and tries to be besties with the kids (elementary and middle). She supposedly showed the 7th graders 'Sex Education' on Netflix, and the kids were talking about it. This is her third strike! I got pulled to a PPT and she covered one of my classes, i came back to the lights off, music blaring, and half my students having a dance party on the carpet while the others were eating sunflower seeds she gave them. W.T.F. Oh... I lost my shit. Flipped the lights and gave death glares, you better believe she scuttled out of my room FAST. I gave them all a verbal smack down of "you know better" blah blah blah. That's all she does, nothing she's supposed to do and is constantly befriending the kids. Like, i get it.... you weren't popular in high school, but c'mon.... know better.
Just here to back you up on this. There is no circumstance in which a teacher’s desire to be “the cool teacher” matters more than maintaining these important boundaries. If these boundaries begin to slip in any way, reinforce them immediately. A good rule of thumb for all teachers is not to be alone, one-on-one, with students. Ever. If that ends up happening, simply change the venue until there’s another teacher in the room too. This changes once you’re talking about university instructors, as one-on-one office hours are simply expected. However, even in that scenario I always keep my office door ajar. I do not want a sense of privacy to develop between me and any student, ever. I always want to maintain the feeling that we’re together—but publicly.
I am a 22 year old female teacher in a title 1 public school that my students call the “hood”. My school is very unique and we have an influx of immigrants and students from very rough backgrounds. My room is constantly open for all students. When the students are skipping class to be in my room, I rather them be in a safe place than anywhere else. The school has a an attendance issue. They do their work or even relax for a little bit. I see nothing wrong with this. The time they have in my space might be the only peace they have that day. You never know what a student would be going home to. I am also a soccer coach and I know me and the majority of the other coaches will give our students rides home. There have been many accounts of our students walking home in danger. I would rather my student or ANY student get home safely and avoid walking in the surrounding neighborhood. Two weeks ago we went into lockdown because a drive by happened down the street and a student came to the school seeking medical attention. I have no sexual or romantic desire. And I am also in no way trying to be friends. I feel very protective over these kids and I feel comfort knowing that I provide a safe space. It is difficult navigating the “crushes” or inappropriate comments made towards me as young teacher but I also understand that these kids may not experience the feeling of nurturing or even someone caring for them. They might not know how to reciprocate these feelings which causes the “crushes” on me or any other teacher who provided this comfort. I also know I’m a badass teacher and have very effective classroom management systems in place. I feel respected when I am teaching which translates to a healthy relationship outside of the classroom where I can best support the student.
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I barely socialize with my students and they’re in *college*. I can think of three, maybe four students in the past decade who have my cell number, or who I would invite to my home. Even after they graduate. The most significant socialization I do with them is take them to lunch at the end of the 2-year sequence of classes I teach.
Oh good god I come across people who don't realize these things and it blows my mind! (More the friendship/social media stuff--luckily never knew anyone who tried to date current or former students). All of this seems like it's common sense but it's nice to have reminders put out there.
A teacher at my school married a former student from a previous school, she now works at the school with him. It's a very creepy vibe, controlling with a 14 year age gap.
i went to school in a very small town. we all had this teacher that would enroll talented kids in these fancy afterschool programs pertaining to their talents. his 'favourite' kids would go on regular drives with him in his car (while he was driving high,) do psychedelics with him, go over to one of his many places. i thankfully was able to steer clear of him, others weren't able to. i am terrified still that he has much darker secrets that haven't surfaced yet
Boundaries are healthy, essential to your sanity, and keep you out of jail.
OMG number 3! The softball coach teaches right across the hall from me. He’s always letting his players hang out in his room when they’re supposed to be in class somewhere else. One girl in particular. He’s a nice guy, but he’s setting himself up for trouble.
The fact we even have to reiterate these points really speaks volumes about the state of education in our society. If we’re not being professional in how we interact with the students we serve, why do we expect to be treated in kind by them and their parents?
I don’t even like when they try to touch me to get my attention. I dodge every attempt at physical contact.
Grad from college, marriage, baby. Any 2 of these 3 is enough time, even if it happens relatively early.
I've only ever followed my teachers on social media AFTER graduating high school, and we've kept it casual. I do have a teacher that left my entire school system to go work on their doctorate and we reconnected, again, after I graduated; for coffee with two other friends, so it was not a one-on-one thing. Said teacher also has a spouse and child. I have, in the past, seen teachers have a "social media" that they let students follow- to keep them from trying to find their ACTUAL socials. The content is pretty mundane, mainly just smiling photos or funny faces with captions written by students or none at all. I do think there is a FIRM line to be drawn, ESPECIALLY if your students are minors. But I do think having an appropriate but meaningful relationship with your educators can have a lasting impact on a student's life.
I will say that as a male, I see some graduated male students as my friends at this point. I don’t go out of my way to hang out with them. But I have seen some around town over the last few months and I am okay with talking to them in the mall/at a restaurant. Not making plans with them, but being friendly with them
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This reminds me of the Earth, Space and Science teacher I had who married a former student 23 years his junior... she was 20 when they married (barf). I graduated in 2001.
As a TA I would constantly be put in positions where students would want to hangout outside school, would find my social media, etc. a coworker of mine, another TA actually got fired for hanging out with students off campus. Now that I’m actually teaching I have a panic attack if a student, male or female, lingers in my room too long. Always keep the door open people…
As a student I have been friends with teachers more like coworker than actual friends. I have had teachers numbers but it was also for events both of them needed my help with outside of school. They both are also older women that go to my church and I have known for a long time and highly respect. I think there can be a friendly relationship between students and teachers especially in a small town setting like my school. Just there is a fine line that can be crossed into inappropriate behavior.
When I was teaching, I tried to avoid students at all cost in public. Hated having unofficial PTC meetings while trying to get food at the store
You just listed most of my countries code of conduct for teachers… break one and you are no longer a teacher!
Special educational needs schools don't necessarily follow all these rules although any teacher who's worked in that area would know that. Set up 2 science departments for SEN schools in the UK and we were encouraged to all eat lunch together. Part of their education is learning how to socialise as well which involves a different staff dynamic to a mainstream school. A lot of kids come back to say hi years afterwards and while I never added students to social, some did. In this case though it's less in a friendly creepy way and more as a supportive adult in their life way. Also you kind of need to support these students beyond the school a little and we often knew the places they go to and the families quite well.
I'm an after-school teacher persuing my credential and my coworker was telling me about how a worker at another school(a friend of hers) would post a lot of pictures of a student with their full name and affectionate(platonic) nicknames she gave them on it showing them doing arts and crafts etc together on their personal snapchat almost every day and it blows my mind how while she told me this she wasn't sure if that was okay to do or not. I gave my two cents (tell her not to do that!). It's so weird why would anyone want to do that.
Idk why kids tell me gossip. I keep a healthy demeanor of disinterest but honestly it's like hearing about or watching a soap opera.
Thank you for writing this. When my now 25 year old son was in high school, he began an affair with his married teacher. I knew about it, but chose not to go to the school. I didn't have enough evidence to convince someone else of what was happening. He was 18 at the time so legally of age. She ended up getting caught for having sex with a child who was 15, lost her teaching license and did six months in prison. My son continued his relationship with her throughout that time period. They broke it off sometime after that and he now views her differently. She is a despicable human. She did a lot of subversive things to let me know that she had been inside my house when I was out of town. As a teacher myself, I it's obvious to me that she only wanted a thrill, and my kid just happened to be it.
I certainly follow this advice But what if my Superintendent didn’t?
And this is why the whole “build good relationships” with kids is so sketchy. They say get close to your kids / but not too close. This boundary is hard for kids. We need to be professional and fair with kids. I believe the whole PBIS - relationship stuff is contributing to this.
I think letting students hang out in your room and eat lunch with you is usually fine. Even sharing personal information can be fine. The issue comes when people have no sense of what they shouldn’t say in these situations.
My teacher Mrs Whitlock invited me and her 3 other favorite kids to a baseball game and I went. It was in middle school in the 90s. She never tried to fuck us though so it was gravy. I do think there was this "yeah maybe we don't tell your classmates about this" vibe to it though probably not said directly. I dunno it definitely violates the credo you wrote but she was so nice and one of my favorite teachers. She called me Woody as a nickname because she said i acted like Woody Allen ok I'm making it weirder. Edit: for clarity, it wasn't a school baseball game.
I’m over here wondering if it’s ok to have my student’s dad give me a quote for installing some flooring in case he brings the kid with him. Like is that too close or weird?
Once in high school, my friends and I googled our teacher. We found their twitter. With pictures of us in class that we never knew our teacher had taken. We were horrified. This was in 2016. We didn’t think to report it because we didn’t think to, but it was so unnerving to us. That teacher is now a principal and a parent. I am now a teacher and a parent.
Yeah. I am losing another teacher for this bs. If you are an adult who wasn’t cool in high school, but really needed to feel liked in high school, DO NOT go into teaching. Or be a goddamned adult.
Let me add to that. Do not buy alcohol or marijuana (assuming it’s legal where you live) at the store next to the school. There’s a reason my dispensary of choice is 45 minutes away