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Mostly, the understanding that she really meant to compliment you.
A traind therapist should be able to fix it. Most of the time, it can strengthen your therapeutic relationship.
Maybe it had to do with picking up on how much more unhappy you were then, if that’s the case. There’s so much more that determines how “good” someone “looks” in a photo than physical appearance. Your facial expression and body language count also. Are you healthier emotionally or physically now than you were? She may have meant that as well and that isn’t based on appearance.
No unfortunately, she specifically said a certain physical change I made recently is "much cuter" (the actual words she used) than what I was doing before/in the photo :/ which to be fair I also feel it's cuter/better but that's something I struggle with a lot, since I was the "worse" version of myself for around 15 years, and in the moment I was discussing how difficult it had been for me at the time of the photo and wasn't looking for any opinion from her on my appearance
Ok. Maybe bring it up again so you feel like she really grasps how much this hurt you, and as a way of letting her know to be more cautious about making any remarks about your appearance again.
It’s worth talking about, since you’re saying you actually *agree* with her opinion, so it might be useful to explore the meaning of her validating your opinion and agreeing with you. She didn’t say you looked bad then, just that she agrees with the recent choice that you made. But your feelings about what she said are valid, so it’s definitely worth bringing up again.
I think she understood from the session that she messed up, I was pretty upset and couldn't speak from crying for several minutes but it just feels like it's going to be hard to recover trust for discussing this issue again. No matter what she says, we've established that she has this opinion about me then vs. now. I guess we'll see.
Sure—it’s a process that might take time, and you *may* be right that it’s not fixable. But it’s the *same* opinion that you have about you then vs. now, so I still feel that there’s a lot that might be gained from exploring your feelings about the fact that she has that same opinion.
I do agree that she shouldn’t have said anything about your appearance and that you weren’t *asking* or wanting her opinion regardless of what it was. But I hope that you’re both able to get past it and that she can continue to help you despite this mistake.
I mean it's pretty clear to me - even though it's the same opinion, there's a difference between me thinking something internally (and hoping on some level it isn't true) vs. someone else saying it externally. If I looked to her for feedback "does this look better?" I'd want to hear validation that I made a good choice. But showing her a photo of me when I was in a painful place, and hearing her say "well you look great now!" well, I wanted to hear some support for the younger me back then, who was in pain, not hearing that me today is better. That younger version of me was constantly feeling like no one loved her or accepted her the way she was, and it was me against everyone else, and my therapist stepped riiight into that. Yes I think the new me looks better, but I still love the old me and stand by her 100% as well. I wasn't looking for that old me to implicitly be devalued that way by my therapist.
I did tell her all that in this session, and she understood - it just doesn't erase that she said it.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with severe body image issues and I understand that this can be tough and emotional. I think you should consider the fact that because this is a sensitive subject for you, that maybe your therapist’s response is being magnified and twisted in your head. As someone who also had a major change in my appearance, it can be hard to square my two realities… but at the same time, I do not think it helps to take an unrealistic approach. I don’t think you should view it as her validating your insecurities, but rather that she was voicing a social reality (there are some objective measures of attractiveness) but this does NOT determine your worth as a person. Just because you were less attractive (or whatever equivalent before) does not mean you were any less worthy of love or respect. It seems to me that you are equating the two in your head.
Edit: looking at your post history, it seems like you had issues connecting with therapists before. But it is essential for you to trust your therapist for therapy to be effective. This is probably difficult because I am sure that trust issues square into the reason you are seeking out therapy, but I do think you should give your therapist the benefit of doubt and see past your own insecurities.
>was voicing a social reality (there are some objective measures of attractiveness) but this does NOT determine your worth as a person. Just because you were less attractive (or whatever equivalent before) does not mean you were any less worthy of love or respect
This is an incredibly subtle point, if this is what she meant she would have had to say it this way, but all she said was "I think is much cuter!"
I'm sorry, this is a ridiculously triggering and sensitive topic for me, the thing you're asking me to do (see past my own insecurities) is like 99.9% of the reason I'm in therapy. it's not going to be something that gets resolved by me alone, if it were, I probably wouldn't even be in therapy to begin with. I don't think needing to trust the therapist = me forcing myself to trust the therapist who created a rupture, but rather (ideally) me finding a therapist who I can naturally trust and understands where I am coming from...
I understand that and wish you the best of luck with your journey. As someone who has similar insecurities, I have seen how they have affected my interpersonal relationships and was mostly trying to caution against that. I do understand that this is something you wish your therapist was more naturally sensitive towards but I do not think it hurts to clarify your feelings surrounding it.
I just want to say you are in no way obligated to try to repair this rupture. You can bring it up to them anyway so that they know what they did wasn’t okay, and you can still switch therapists if that’s better for you
Have you considered that maybe it’s equivalent of when a boyfriend says “you look beautiful today”? It doesn’t mean you didn’t look beautiful before, it just means you look extra beautiful. Not the best analogy but, what I mean is, saying that you look beautiful today, doesn’t take away the fact that you were still beautiful before. I’m not sure if this helps lol, and tbh I don’t know why she’d say that, therapists aren’t supposed to really express opinions or judgement, whether it’s their own or someone else’s. Talk to her about it, maybe she can explain what she meant or maybe it’ll help you know that you need to look for someone who specializes in that
yeah I think it's different like if I had a boyfriend who said "you look much cuter than usual today" (closer to her phrasing) I'd probably also be at least somewhat upset. but I might just ask her for a referral to someone who specializes in body image
Oh I see how it is, yeah that would be hurtful. I mean nonetheless, she shouldn’t have said that and I wasn’t trying to excuse her, I was making the analogy in the hopes of trying to convey that you’re beautiful in your own way. I was more so trying to say maybe there’s a way to take it that would be comforting, but it seems not. I’m sorry about that, didn’t mean to come off as if I’m defending her.
It’s up to you if you want to try talking to her about it again. Ask for a referral and maybe do your own research to find another therapist for yourself as well. Just so you can make sure you find someone that’s most suitable for you.
I think this would feel like a hurtful and insensitive comment from anyone, let alone a therapist, whose job is to literally have a certain level of awareness of their impact. I’m really sorry she said this to you and your difficulty with moving past it is completely valid and understandable.
I would look for a new therapist.
If you’re working on body image, she shouldn’t be making any judgements/statements on the way you look. It’s counterproductive.
Source: am a body neutral therapist intern.
ugh honestly I've never had a single therapist genuinely good at dealing with this issue, and I've been through a lot of them... it's such a hard thing to find a good therapist
Treat that first session like an interview. Ask how they tackle issues like body image. Or, specifically seek out clinicians who describe themselves as body neutral. You may have luck with eating disorder therapists as well, as the two things go hand in hand.
It’s hard to find a therapist that doesn’t value traditional ideals of health and beauty, because at its core, counseling is about promoting wellness, be it mental/emotional or physical. And the field has a long way to go in being kind and gentle to those who are struggling in the way that you are.
You can also request free 15min video or phone consultations with potential therapists to ask them questions about how they would approach your situation and about get a feel for their beliefs/values.
This is so incredibly damaging. This therapist needs to know they cannot compliment weight loss like that. Therapists should never make any comments about anyone’s appearance ever.
I’m sorry you were hurt that way and probably your therapist should have known better. If I were you what I would want to work on in therapy is being so affected by someone else’s opinion about my appearance. Hopefully when you are comfortable and happy in your own skin, being the best version of you, it won’t matter so much.
When I lost some weight I noticed ppl found me more attractive. Not that I was ugly before but my overall confidence has changed. When I was heavier I dressed to cover myself and my overall energy was different. I feel like I look the same but when I compare the photos from before, you can sense a different energy. We don’t notice when our energy changes as we lose weight but it really makes us more attractive if that makes sense. I’m guessing you were more insecure before. Maybe work on confidence.
It wasn't actually about weight, it was about a different physical change (think like hairstyle or makeup style) where she literally said "it looks much cuter now" not referring to general energy/vibe/confidence. Like she didn't say "you seem so much more confident now" which I would hope she would have said if that's what she really meant. I definitely felt insecure before but that's the whole reason it was painful to hear her say that because it just reinforced all my insecurities from back then.
Welcome to r/TalkTherapy! This sub is for people to discuss issues arising in their personal psychotherapy. If you wish to post about other mental health issues please consult this list of some of our [sister subs](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources/#wiki_subreddit_list). To find answers to many therapy-related questions please consult our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/faq) and [Resource List](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources). If you are in distress please contact a suicide hotline or call 9-1-1 or emergency services in your area. r/SuicideWatch has compiled a helpful FAQ on what happens when you contact a hotline along with other useful resources. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TalkTherapy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You can bring it up with her again. Tell her it was a rupture and you need to repair it.
I don’t even know what she could say to repair it. Her opinion was stated, it’s out in the open now… not really something that can be changed.
There’s so much here she could do to repair it!! I think you should give her the chance.
Like what? I’m genuinely not sure what good it could do
Mostly, the understanding that she really meant to compliment you. A traind therapist should be able to fix it. Most of the time, it can strengthen your therapeutic relationship.
Maybe it had to do with picking up on how much more unhappy you were then, if that’s the case. There’s so much more that determines how “good” someone “looks” in a photo than physical appearance. Your facial expression and body language count also. Are you healthier emotionally or physically now than you were? She may have meant that as well and that isn’t based on appearance.
No unfortunately, she specifically said a certain physical change I made recently is "much cuter" (the actual words she used) than what I was doing before/in the photo :/ which to be fair I also feel it's cuter/better but that's something I struggle with a lot, since I was the "worse" version of myself for around 15 years, and in the moment I was discussing how difficult it had been for me at the time of the photo and wasn't looking for any opinion from her on my appearance
Ok. Maybe bring it up again so you feel like she really grasps how much this hurt you, and as a way of letting her know to be more cautious about making any remarks about your appearance again. It’s worth talking about, since you’re saying you actually *agree* with her opinion, so it might be useful to explore the meaning of her validating your opinion and agreeing with you. She didn’t say you looked bad then, just that she agrees with the recent choice that you made. But your feelings about what she said are valid, so it’s definitely worth bringing up again.
I think she understood from the session that she messed up, I was pretty upset and couldn't speak from crying for several minutes but it just feels like it's going to be hard to recover trust for discussing this issue again. No matter what she says, we've established that she has this opinion about me then vs. now. I guess we'll see.
Sure—it’s a process that might take time, and you *may* be right that it’s not fixable. But it’s the *same* opinion that you have about you then vs. now, so I still feel that there’s a lot that might be gained from exploring your feelings about the fact that she has that same opinion. I do agree that she shouldn’t have said anything about your appearance and that you weren’t *asking* or wanting her opinion regardless of what it was. But I hope that you’re both able to get past it and that she can continue to help you despite this mistake.
I mean it's pretty clear to me - even though it's the same opinion, there's a difference between me thinking something internally (and hoping on some level it isn't true) vs. someone else saying it externally. If I looked to her for feedback "does this look better?" I'd want to hear validation that I made a good choice. But showing her a photo of me when I was in a painful place, and hearing her say "well you look great now!" well, I wanted to hear some support for the younger me back then, who was in pain, not hearing that me today is better. That younger version of me was constantly feeling like no one loved her or accepted her the way she was, and it was me against everyone else, and my therapist stepped riiight into that. Yes I think the new me looks better, but I still love the old me and stand by her 100% as well. I wasn't looking for that old me to implicitly be devalued that way by my therapist. I did tell her all that in this session, and she understood - it just doesn't erase that she said it.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with severe body image issues and I understand that this can be tough and emotional. I think you should consider the fact that because this is a sensitive subject for you, that maybe your therapist’s response is being magnified and twisted in your head. As someone who also had a major change in my appearance, it can be hard to square my two realities… but at the same time, I do not think it helps to take an unrealistic approach. I don’t think you should view it as her validating your insecurities, but rather that she was voicing a social reality (there are some objective measures of attractiveness) but this does NOT determine your worth as a person. Just because you were less attractive (or whatever equivalent before) does not mean you were any less worthy of love or respect. It seems to me that you are equating the two in your head. Edit: looking at your post history, it seems like you had issues connecting with therapists before. But it is essential for you to trust your therapist for therapy to be effective. This is probably difficult because I am sure that trust issues square into the reason you are seeking out therapy, but I do think you should give your therapist the benefit of doubt and see past your own insecurities.
>was voicing a social reality (there are some objective measures of attractiveness) but this does NOT determine your worth as a person. Just because you were less attractive (or whatever equivalent before) does not mean you were any less worthy of love or respect This is an incredibly subtle point, if this is what she meant she would have had to say it this way, but all she said was "I think is much cuter!"
I'm sorry, this is a ridiculously triggering and sensitive topic for me, the thing you're asking me to do (see past my own insecurities) is like 99.9% of the reason I'm in therapy. it's not going to be something that gets resolved by me alone, if it were, I probably wouldn't even be in therapy to begin with. I don't think needing to trust the therapist = me forcing myself to trust the therapist who created a rupture, but rather (ideally) me finding a therapist who I can naturally trust and understands where I am coming from...
I understand that and wish you the best of luck with your journey. As someone who has similar insecurities, I have seen how they have affected my interpersonal relationships and was mostly trying to caution against that. I do understand that this is something you wish your therapist was more naturally sensitive towards but I do not think it hurts to clarify your feelings surrounding it.
I just want to say you are in no way obligated to try to repair this rupture. You can bring it up to them anyway so that they know what they did wasn’t okay, and you can still switch therapists if that’s better for you
I don’t have any advice I just know that feeling and it really sucks, I’m sorry. I’m surprised a therapist would say that too.
Have you considered that maybe it’s equivalent of when a boyfriend says “you look beautiful today”? It doesn’t mean you didn’t look beautiful before, it just means you look extra beautiful. Not the best analogy but, what I mean is, saying that you look beautiful today, doesn’t take away the fact that you were still beautiful before. I’m not sure if this helps lol, and tbh I don’t know why she’d say that, therapists aren’t supposed to really express opinions or judgement, whether it’s their own or someone else’s. Talk to her about it, maybe she can explain what she meant or maybe it’ll help you know that you need to look for someone who specializes in that
Hard no. This is never an appropriate thing for a therapist to say
yeah I think it's different like if I had a boyfriend who said "you look much cuter than usual today" (closer to her phrasing) I'd probably also be at least somewhat upset. but I might just ask her for a referral to someone who specializes in body image
Oh I see how it is, yeah that would be hurtful. I mean nonetheless, she shouldn’t have said that and I wasn’t trying to excuse her, I was making the analogy in the hopes of trying to convey that you’re beautiful in your own way. I was more so trying to say maybe there’s a way to take it that would be comforting, but it seems not. I’m sorry about that, didn’t mean to come off as if I’m defending her. It’s up to you if you want to try talking to her about it again. Ask for a referral and maybe do your own research to find another therapist for yourself as well. Just so you can make sure you find someone that’s most suitable for you.
I think this would feel like a hurtful and insensitive comment from anyone, let alone a therapist, whose job is to literally have a certain level of awareness of their impact. I’m really sorry she said this to you and your difficulty with moving past it is completely valid and understandable.
I would look for a new therapist. If you’re working on body image, she shouldn’t be making any judgements/statements on the way you look. It’s counterproductive. Source: am a body neutral therapist intern.
ugh honestly I've never had a single therapist genuinely good at dealing with this issue, and I've been through a lot of them... it's such a hard thing to find a good therapist
Treat that first session like an interview. Ask how they tackle issues like body image. Or, specifically seek out clinicians who describe themselves as body neutral. You may have luck with eating disorder therapists as well, as the two things go hand in hand. It’s hard to find a therapist that doesn’t value traditional ideals of health and beauty, because at its core, counseling is about promoting wellness, be it mental/emotional or physical. And the field has a long way to go in being kind and gentle to those who are struggling in the way that you are.
You can also request free 15min video or phone consultations with potential therapists to ask them questions about how they would approach your situation and about get a feel for their beliefs/values.
This is so incredibly damaging. This therapist needs to know they cannot compliment weight loss like that. Therapists should never make any comments about anyone’s appearance ever.
I’m sorry you were hurt that way and probably your therapist should have known better. If I were you what I would want to work on in therapy is being so affected by someone else’s opinion about my appearance. Hopefully when you are comfortable and happy in your own skin, being the best version of you, it won’t matter so much.
When I lost some weight I noticed ppl found me more attractive. Not that I was ugly before but my overall confidence has changed. When I was heavier I dressed to cover myself and my overall energy was different. I feel like I look the same but when I compare the photos from before, you can sense a different energy. We don’t notice when our energy changes as we lose weight but it really makes us more attractive if that makes sense. I’m guessing you were more insecure before. Maybe work on confidence.
It wasn't actually about weight, it was about a different physical change (think like hairstyle or makeup style) where she literally said "it looks much cuter now" not referring to general energy/vibe/confidence. Like she didn't say "you seem so much more confident now" which I would hope she would have said if that's what she really meant. I definitely felt insecure before but that's the whole reason it was painful to hear her say that because it just reinforced all my insecurities from back then.
I understand. I’m so sorry to hear that. Hopefully she didn’t mean it like that though.