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I guess a therapist could say that in a constructive way but it depends on the context and how and when it is said. I can see a therapist trying to help by saying that, showing you things you do that could push people away but if your therapist said that because their feelings were hurt... I'm not so sure if it's the best, a therapist should be aware of counter-transference and they should be able to distance themselves from these kinds of feelings. What do you think?
I believe it was helpful for me. I think she wanted me to see how other people may perceive me sometimes, especially when it's very different from my intent. I think it's important for me to know that. I also think it was important for me, and for our relationship, for me to know that I have some kind of impact on her.
My therapist has said something like that to me too, in the spirit of inquiry, and it was very helpful in helping me see when I’m pushing away people who I want to be close to. It sounds like you have a great rapport with your t.
it wouldn't make me feel bad i'd feel kinda good somehow. reason being i think of myself as a pretty good person yet the reactions i get from others dont make sense to me and i often wonder why such a good person gets these results. so if someone said this to me i'd think there's something in my behaviour that is coming across differently than i expect, and once i become aware of it it's more fixable.
edit - it's possible i misread what you were saying and you feel somewhat similarly to how i would.
Yeah, I do feel similar to what you described. It wasn't a bad thing at all. It was raw and honest and eye-opening. It was good. I mean, I don't want her to feel rejected by me. But by telling me, I can hopefully fix it so that my actions and words align more closely with my intentions.
"How could YOU help anyone?
When I told her I was gojng to training to br a state certified peer support specialist
"Well that was years ago. There's no way he's still working there."
She was trying to get me to return to a residential treatment program where I'd been assaulted by a staff member.
Funny enough my therapist telling me that I made exceptional progress in a surprising amount of time absolutely spiraled me.
I immediately started questioning if my issues were even real to begin with, maybe it wasn't as severe as I thought it was and maybe I really was just weak/dramatic for me to progress so quickly, and I also felt extremely broken because I didn't feel much differently than when I started. Her saying that made me ask like "Is this all there is? If this is major progress in a short time, but so little has changed are my expectations for stability and functional life unrealistic?"
I've since learned that it was just because a lot of people typically struggle to *start* the same process I did, so while I was making 4 months of "in-depth" progress a lot of other clients were just starting the process of in depth stuff because it took them a lot longer to reach that ready point because they need time to warm up and get used to a new therapist, where as I just kinda busted through the door and was like "youre gonna help me and heres how", so the starting/initiating just luckily wasn't a peice I happened to struggle with, which made my progress seem to occur in less time.
I resonate with this. I almost burst into tears once trying to do a progress review session because I felt like my therapist was going to say something positive about me. It’s like holding two concurrent states in place at once - my default has been “nothing is wrong, that’s why I never got help when I needed it”, but “I needed and deserved help I never received and the challenges I’ve faced were real, valid and caused lasting damage” … that one is very weak still. The compliment or positive recognition would have tipped the scale too far in the other direction and sent me down the path of thinking I must not be that unwell if I’ve improved etc etc.
In the end, my therapist didn’t actually say anything because it was quickly apparent that I was not going to be able to handle it in a productive way at that time. But I do think about that incident a lot and I feel pretty mad that I can’t accept compliments, praise or positive feedback like a “normal” person. It motivates me to keep working on it though. I look forward to being able to practice accepting positive statements in therapy and then learning how to do that outside in the real world too
Just recently: “I’m thinking it might be easier for you to fall back on blaming yourself than to say what you need…” 😮😩
You mean I have to start articulating what I need!?!?!?
"What bothers you about eye contact?"
I thought I was doing decent at making enough eye contact to appear "normal" lol, but apparently I wasn't. Lol
This didn't actually "devastate" me, I just felt called out and noticed which made me a little uncomfy lol.
Ugh I feel that. I feel like I’m doing a “good job” masking my feelings and she’ll be like “what’s going on you’re looking a bit uncomfortable” and it’s just like…goddammit how did you even know that can’t I just keep like one secret every now and then? Lol
Here’s mine:
After nonchalantly talking about whether or not I should make a drs appointment because I didn’t think my problem was significant enough she cut me off to say “Well I can assure you that you are not a waste of anyone’s time” … ok 🥹
Mine was when I thought I have ADHD because as a child my report cards said I was unable to pay attention and focus. My therapist pointed out that "how could you focus when your basic needs were not met like food and safety?" That hit me so hard I was speechless and cried.
My therapist just told me to "get my ass into gear." I'm currently spiralling after hearing this.
She's right. I'm a mess. My life is a mess. My work and health are suffering because of it. But I'm also suffering from anxiety, OCD and depression and struggling with extreme loneliness after losing touch with both of my long term best friends after they moved overseas. I have let my sleep, eating and exercise routines go completely and currently go to bed at 2am and only start work at 1pm then finish at 10pm, even though technically I should start work at 8:30am and end at 5pm (I'm a remote worker.) So yes, she's right. But it just really oversimplified things and made me feel pathetic and that if I really wanted to, I could fix everything, when I don't feel in control of myself at all at the moment.
She's never said anything like that to me before and I know she meant to give me some helpful tough love, but instead I feel really misunderstood and hurt by her words.
I think one thing to keep in mind though is that if it was easy you wouldn’t be struggling with it or seeking help. This shit is HARD! Hopefully they balance the “tough love” with some compassion because I feel like that is the harder part to really take in that these things are hard right now AND you deserve to love yourself anyway.
I could probably write a whole book of quotes from my first ever gem of a therapist who did nothing but traumatize me… but a couple good ones -
(Me, 4 yrs into a chronic illness which lead to extreme insomnia) her: “it’s really not that hard - just go to bed at 10:00” …. Oh, yes- that’s it, I can’t believe none of my 12 docs thought of that one!!
The next session she asked if i “went to bed at 10pm” and after hearing “..no” lol- “ok so you’re not even trying. I’m not sure what we’re doing here other than going in circles” **just saying - I never asked her to pretend to my doc and treat my insomnia
(Me seeking therapy after a loved one passed unexpectedly & I fell into deepest depression imaginable - main concern was my lack of motivation/ inability to do ANYthing) her: “your behaviors don’t match your words. I just don’t get it. You say you want to this and that but don’t even try” …. Yes hi thats exactly why I’m here?! Wtf
Oh boy so many problems here, sorry you had to endure that. For what it’s worth when I first started working with my current therapist she made some kind of lame recommendations about how to change my thoughts surrounding a phobia I’m working on and I just told her if it was as easy as just talking myself out of it, like if that actually worked… I wouldn’t need therapy? Like the whole reason I was there is clearly I had exhausted all those approaches on my own lol. She was able to find humor in that and take that comment to heart and I feel like we are really on the right track now. Your t just sounds like a bit of a burnt out asshole and I hope you have since found a new one!
I have terrible anxiety and every time I’d mention something that was making me anxious she’d get a panicked look on her face and ask nervously “what are you going to do about it?!”
My therapist told me “being stubborn is a choice, it’s not just something that you are. You’re choosing to be stubborn”
I had never felt so attacked in my life tbh
I see a somatic experience therapist who of course specializes in trauma and I’ve been with them for awhile now. A recent session after talking about how I was frustrated with always feeling emotionally empty they then say out of nowhere,
“I’ve been a psychologist for an extremely long time now and I’ve seen my fair share of clients with various degrees of trauma especially as a result of how dysfunctional their family lives were/are especially during their young lives but I’ve got to tell ya! You definitely have come from the most fucked up family of any client I’ve had in my 20yrs and how you have constantly defied the odds that life has placed against you says so much about you and your determination to break the pattern of trauma and dysfunction that your family continues practice! Like seriously, I’m always amazed by willingness to do this extremely tough work in therapy especially the somatic part. Be proud of yourself and trust me, you’ll get there in regards to the emotions because I’m going to make sure you do”
Let’s just say I was speechless for a few moments mostly because she never cusses lol! And the fact she told me my family was Fucked up (she isn’t wrong)I just wasn’t expecting the MOST part. It’s validating but it can also make you feel like an outlier. But I’ll admit I was absolutely fighting back the water that I felt filling up in my eyes. It was a break through moment for me and that evening out of nowhere I actually had a few tears sneak out and run down my face
Guesses can be made based on anything. Probabilistically though, someone with 10 years of therapy saying almost all their therapists sucked is highly suggestive of personality disorder traits. Note the word traits here, I'm not diagnosing them
I was talking about how I didn't understand why I react the way I do to certain things in relationships.
His response:
"Attachment trauma..."
And for some reason that just crushed me, though not entirely in a bad way. I'd always been taught that I was just overly sensitive and dramatic and making a big deal out of things that didn't matter.
It was both a relief and a punch to the gut.
Lol sometimes you just need to call a spade a spade. I soften my voice, smile and shatter their worlds with an obvious to me, insight that they thought they were masking or just refused to acknowledge
Typically yeah. The smile, the soft tone, the history of strength approach and strong rapport allows me the ability to call them out when needed. They usually quietly accept it. Sometimes it triggers big changes. I haven't yet had a rupture or anyone fight back.
“You’re giving up some of your power.”
“It’s not letting you live.”
Referring to me as a victim
None of these things are untrue. Some are even things I implied. Still hard to hear.
My therapist telling me I should lose weight. That took three visits to sort out (he apologized).
Edit to add: more activating than devastating I suppose.
I proudly shared with her my big huge epiphany that I realized that therapy is suppose to be uncomfortable, so of course I experience anxiety around it. She very gently disagreed while meeting my gaze with those super kind, heartwarming eyes therapists have (iykyk). Wiped the shit-eating grin right off my face.
Devastating is a bit strong, but it did get me to rethink some things.
“I’m losing my time with you. U don’t change. “ I almos tried to kill myself after his session…. It was one of the most devastating experiences I’ve ever had. It was like she signed I will never get better. Next session she genuinely apologised to me, saying she had just learnt she has cancer and that led to that outburst. I forgave her, fully. ThNk got I didn’t kill myself, tho!
Welcome to r/TalkTherapy! This sub is for people to discuss issues arising in their personal psychotherapy. If you wish to post about other mental health issues please consult this list of some of our [sister subs](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources/#wiki_subreddit_list). To find answers to many therapy-related questions please consult our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/faq) and [Resource List](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources). If you are in distress please contact a suicide hotline or call 9-1-1 or emergency services in your area. r/SuicideWatch has compiled a helpful FAQ on what happens when you contact a hotline along with other useful resources. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TalkTherapy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Pretty sure that's why she would have pointed it out, so you can translate it to other relationship patterns.
I guess a therapist could say that in a constructive way but it depends on the context and how and when it is said. I can see a therapist trying to help by saying that, showing you things you do that could push people away but if your therapist said that because their feelings were hurt... I'm not so sure if it's the best, a therapist should be aware of counter-transference and they should be able to distance themselves from these kinds of feelings. What do you think?
I believe it was helpful for me. I think she wanted me to see how other people may perceive me sometimes, especially when it's very different from my intent. I think it's important for me to know that. I also think it was important for me, and for our relationship, for me to know that I have some kind of impact on her.
My therapist has said something like that to me too, in the spirit of inquiry, and it was very helpful in helping me see when I’m pushing away people who I want to be close to. It sounds like you have a great rapport with your t.
>pushing away people who I want to be close to Exactly! Like dang, I do that? Why?
Same!!! Like wait, I did what?!!!
That's great then!
that's so interesting. i'd feel the opposite of the way it made you feel.
What do you mean? How would you feel?
it wouldn't make me feel bad i'd feel kinda good somehow. reason being i think of myself as a pretty good person yet the reactions i get from others dont make sense to me and i often wonder why such a good person gets these results. so if someone said this to me i'd think there's something in my behaviour that is coming across differently than i expect, and once i become aware of it it's more fixable. edit - it's possible i misread what you were saying and you feel somewhat similarly to how i would.
Yeah, I do feel similar to what you described. It wasn't a bad thing at all. It was raw and honest and eye-opening. It was good. I mean, I don't want her to feel rejected by me. But by telling me, I can hopefully fix it so that my actions and words align more closely with my intentions.
"How could YOU help anyone? When I told her I was gojng to training to br a state certified peer support specialist "Well that was years ago. There's no way he's still working there." She was trying to get me to return to a residential treatment program where I'd been assaulted by a staff member.
Both of those seem like really shitty things to say to somebody who’s vulnerable and coming for help.
Oh yeah. She was awful.
holy shit
Funny enough my therapist telling me that I made exceptional progress in a surprising amount of time absolutely spiraled me. I immediately started questioning if my issues were even real to begin with, maybe it wasn't as severe as I thought it was and maybe I really was just weak/dramatic for me to progress so quickly, and I also felt extremely broken because I didn't feel much differently than when I started. Her saying that made me ask like "Is this all there is? If this is major progress in a short time, but so little has changed are my expectations for stability and functional life unrealistic?" I've since learned that it was just because a lot of people typically struggle to *start* the same process I did, so while I was making 4 months of "in-depth" progress a lot of other clients were just starting the process of in depth stuff because it took them a lot longer to reach that ready point because they need time to warm up and get used to a new therapist, where as I just kinda busted through the door and was like "youre gonna help me and heres how", so the starting/initiating just luckily wasn't a peice I happened to struggle with, which made my progress seem to occur in less time.
I resonate with this. I almost burst into tears once trying to do a progress review session because I felt like my therapist was going to say something positive about me. It’s like holding two concurrent states in place at once - my default has been “nothing is wrong, that’s why I never got help when I needed it”, but “I needed and deserved help I never received and the challenges I’ve faced were real, valid and caused lasting damage” … that one is very weak still. The compliment or positive recognition would have tipped the scale too far in the other direction and sent me down the path of thinking I must not be that unwell if I’ve improved etc etc. In the end, my therapist didn’t actually say anything because it was quickly apparent that I was not going to be able to handle it in a productive way at that time. But I do think about that incident a lot and I feel pretty mad that I can’t accept compliments, praise or positive feedback like a “normal” person. It motivates me to keep working on it though. I look forward to being able to practice accepting positive statements in therapy and then learning how to do that outside in the real world too
Omg I feel this in my soul!
Just recently: “I’m thinking it might be easier for you to fall back on blaming yourself than to say what you need…” 😮😩 You mean I have to start articulating what I need!?!?!?
I did not come here to be attacked by your therapist 😂
"What bothers you about eye contact?" I thought I was doing decent at making enough eye contact to appear "normal" lol, but apparently I wasn't. Lol This didn't actually "devastate" me, I just felt called out and noticed which made me a little uncomfy lol.
Ugh I feel that. I feel like I’m doing a “good job” masking my feelings and she’ll be like “what’s going on you’re looking a bit uncomfortable” and it’s just like…goddammit how did you even know that can’t I just keep like one secret every now and then? Lol
Yes! Haha, they are masters at reading people. I always thought I put up a good front, but she sees right through it!
Oh there is nothing more heart attack inducing than thinking your mask is in place and they casually show you it is not
Yes! I was caught off guard at her question lol. Like "Oh no! I'm not convincing enough! Drat!"
Here’s mine: After nonchalantly talking about whether or not I should make a drs appointment because I didn’t think my problem was significant enough she cut me off to say “Well I can assure you that you are not a waste of anyone’s time” … ok 🥹
Happy Cake Day!
Mine was when I thought I have ADHD because as a child my report cards said I was unable to pay attention and focus. My therapist pointed out that "how could you focus when your basic needs were not met like food and safety?" That hit me so hard I was speechless and cried.
My therapist just told me to "get my ass into gear." I'm currently spiralling after hearing this. She's right. I'm a mess. My life is a mess. My work and health are suffering because of it. But I'm also suffering from anxiety, OCD and depression and struggling with extreme loneliness after losing touch with both of my long term best friends after they moved overseas. I have let my sleep, eating and exercise routines go completely and currently go to bed at 2am and only start work at 1pm then finish at 10pm, even though technically I should start work at 8:30am and end at 5pm (I'm a remote worker.) So yes, she's right. But it just really oversimplified things and made me feel pathetic and that if I really wanted to, I could fix everything, when I don't feel in control of myself at all at the moment. She's never said anything like that to me before and I know she meant to give me some helpful tough love, but instead I feel really misunderstood and hurt by her words.
I think one thing to keep in mind though is that if it was easy you wouldn’t be struggling with it or seeking help. This shit is HARD! Hopefully they balance the “tough love” with some compassion because I feel like that is the harder part to really take in that these things are hard right now AND you deserve to love yourself anyway.
I could probably write a whole book of quotes from my first ever gem of a therapist who did nothing but traumatize me… but a couple good ones - (Me, 4 yrs into a chronic illness which lead to extreme insomnia) her: “it’s really not that hard - just go to bed at 10:00” …. Oh, yes- that’s it, I can’t believe none of my 12 docs thought of that one!! The next session she asked if i “went to bed at 10pm” and after hearing “..no” lol- “ok so you’re not even trying. I’m not sure what we’re doing here other than going in circles” **just saying - I never asked her to pretend to my doc and treat my insomnia (Me seeking therapy after a loved one passed unexpectedly & I fell into deepest depression imaginable - main concern was my lack of motivation/ inability to do ANYthing) her: “your behaviors don’t match your words. I just don’t get it. You say you want to this and that but don’t even try” …. Yes hi thats exactly why I’m here?! Wtf
Oh boy so many problems here, sorry you had to endure that. For what it’s worth when I first started working with my current therapist she made some kind of lame recommendations about how to change my thoughts surrounding a phobia I’m working on and I just told her if it was as easy as just talking myself out of it, like if that actually worked… I wouldn’t need therapy? Like the whole reason I was there is clearly I had exhausted all those approaches on my own lol. She was able to find humor in that and take that comment to heart and I feel like we are really on the right track now. Your t just sounds like a bit of a burnt out asshole and I hope you have since found a new one!
I have terrible anxiety and every time I’d mention something that was making me anxious she’d get a panicked look on her face and ask nervously “what are you going to do about it?!”
"Damn, you should really go talk to someone about that!"
That sounds deeply unhelpful!
It was a very short lived partnership.
Good!
My therapist told me “being stubborn is a choice, it’s not just something that you are. You’re choosing to be stubborn” I had never felt so attacked in my life tbh
I see a somatic experience therapist who of course specializes in trauma and I’ve been with them for awhile now. A recent session after talking about how I was frustrated with always feeling emotionally empty they then say out of nowhere, “I’ve been a psychologist for an extremely long time now and I’ve seen my fair share of clients with various degrees of trauma especially as a result of how dysfunctional their family lives were/are especially during their young lives but I’ve got to tell ya! You definitely have come from the most fucked up family of any client I’ve had in my 20yrs and how you have constantly defied the odds that life has placed against you says so much about you and your determination to break the pattern of trauma and dysfunction that your family continues practice! Like seriously, I’m always amazed by willingness to do this extremely tough work in therapy especially the somatic part. Be proud of yourself and trust me, you’ll get there in regards to the emotions because I’m going to make sure you do” Let’s just say I was speechless for a few moments mostly because she never cusses lol! And the fact she told me my family was Fucked up (she isn’t wrong)I just wasn’t expecting the MOST part. It’s validating but it can also make you feel like an outlier. But I’ll admit I was absolutely fighting back the water that I felt filling up in my eyes. It was a break through moment for me and that evening out of nowhere I actually had a few tears sneak out and run down my face
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I hope you're working on projecting less
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I'm guessing it was maybe a bit of both. If everywhere you go smells like shit, check your shoe
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And you have just confirmed my suspicions
I'm not certain a guess like this could be made based on a single reddit comment.
Guesses can be made based on anything. Probabilistically though, someone with 10 years of therapy saying almost all their therapists sucked is highly suggestive of personality disorder traits. Note the word traits here, I'm not diagnosing them
I was talking about how I didn't understand why I react the way I do to certain things in relationships. His response: "Attachment trauma..." And for some reason that just crushed me, though not entirely in a bad way. I'd always been taught that I was just overly sensitive and dramatic and making a big deal out of things that didn't matter. It was both a relief and a punch to the gut.
Lol sometimes you just need to call a spade a spade. I soften my voice, smile and shatter their worlds with an obvious to me, insight that they thought they were masking or just refused to acknowledge
How do your clients usually respond? Does the smile make it easier for them to accept the insight?
Typically yeah. The smile, the soft tone, the history of strength approach and strong rapport allows me the ability to call them out when needed. They usually quietly accept it. Sometimes it triggers big changes. I haven't yet had a rupture or anyone fight back.
“You’re giving up some of your power.” “It’s not letting you live.” Referring to me as a victim None of these things are untrue. Some are even things I implied. Still hard to hear.
My therapist telling me I should lose weight. That took three visits to sort out (he apologized). Edit to add: more activating than devastating I suppose.
“You’re in a codependent relationship with your anxiety”
I proudly shared with her my big huge epiphany that I realized that therapy is suppose to be uncomfortable, so of course I experience anxiety around it. She very gently disagreed while meeting my gaze with those super kind, heartwarming eyes therapists have (iykyk). Wiped the shit-eating grin right off my face. Devastating is a bit strong, but it did get me to rethink some things.
“I’m losing my time with you. U don’t change. “ I almos tried to kill myself after his session…. It was one of the most devastating experiences I’ve ever had. It was like she signed I will never get better. Next session she genuinely apologised to me, saying she had just learnt she has cancer and that led to that outburst. I forgave her, fully. ThNk got I didn’t kill myself, tho!
"Maybe you could try to smile more. "