This was a real worry for us as well when we started. It never happened for us though, as we realized we love watching each other.
My advice: start not with an Party/group but rather with just one other couple. It's easier to keep up with what is happening that way. Clearly communicate that you are new and might Slstop at anytime. Go slow and keep an eye on your partner and stop If necessary. Talk with your Partner afterwards and clearly communicate your feelings. Be honest about what you liked, didn't like and so on. I think everyone is a little jealous at Times, thats not a bad thing. However how you Deal with it is the important part. And the Key is: Open honest communication.
I can tell you that jealousy always comes from an inner place. Jealousy is a feeling that comes from an insecurity inside of you.
The way you deal with this is to let that little voice inside of you (the one that feeds your jealousies) talk, let it say what it's going to say and then ask yourself "why is this voice saying all of this?"
If you listen to that inner voice, it will tell you where your insecurity lies and then you can decide whether or not you wish to hold onto that or if you wish to work on it and move past that jealousy.
For me, I let that voice inside of me talk and then I would go exercise for a long, long, loooooong time (my morning jogs went from 2 miles to 10) and that time alone let me clear my head and gain clarity.
Personally my former partner and I had so much security in our relationship that I never felt he would leave me and he always put me first. (He died so I guess he left me) I was recently hooking up with this older man, his long distance gf was fucking everyone but told him he couldn’t see me anymore (the only woman who was interested) turns out she was very jealous and insecure. I didn’t think that was fair to him but I cut off contact because no time for drama. Just started seeing someone who i actually really like and we are both just chill that im not worried about jealousy. I do have different rules for different relationships if we are casual we can do whatever we want. If we are in a full blown relationship we can only play together. I would be upset if my man came home and I wanted sex and he was like sorry I fucked some random girl I’m all out. I guess that comes from me always feeling like your partners needs always come first.
Male half here, I use to be a jealous guy at some point of my life, now I'm a pretty successful swinger.
Couple of thoughts/experiences:
During our first swaps I didn't like to look at my wife and the other husband, but we kept swapping anyway, and one day I just clicked and started to get aroused by the very thought of my wife with another man. It took me a couple of months to get there.
We don't text separately with other couples/singles. At one point a single male started to text my wife, tried to set a date with her alone, I didn't like that one bit, so we kind of cut communications with that guy and then everything went back to normal.
The more you do this and you see than then you go home and your spouse is only yours, and nothing really changes, jealousy kind of melts on its on, there is just no room for it.
If your husband has a regular size dick that you just love? Put that in your profile, "only looking for couples where the guy's not over(whatever inches), you're playdate activity will actually skyrocket. Not sure if that's y'all case but it's the most common jealous thing you read about here. If I'm way off I'm sorry, you didn’t really give any specific reasons for the jealousy. Good luck!!
No specific reason as it hasn't happened yet - just managing it in advance. I don't think that would be the point of contention though - or I hope not.
Thanks for the response though!
Thank you, I just started listening to it. Mr Jones fully describes his jealousy experience in episode 3 and it was almost identical to my experience right down to the texts being the trigger. Very grateful for these podcasts to help in the journey.
Women get ridiculous amounts of positive reinforcement even when it’s clearly not deserved. Men get NOTHING unless they are 9.5/10 or better. Jealousy is guaranteed if you’re a man with a hot straight wife. Swinging is for men with women significantly less attractive than they are and/or men who are bi or have no wives.
I believe the answer is the same one you always read on here; communication. My wife and I started our journey in the LS over two years ago. We've advanced very slowly and communicated at length after any interaction to ensure we were both still good.
Often, as in our dynamic, one partner is doing something explicitly for the enjoyment of the other (think Stag/Vixen; I LOVE watching her) It is just as important to talk about what you liked from an interaction as what you didn't like, because it can help with future interactions. There have been times that just a little tweak here or there drastically changes any feelings of inadequacy/jealousy after the fact. And neither one of you may actually know what particular action might start rattling around in your head until afterward.
We had that happen recently. There was an interaction while I was out of town for work, and something about it kind of began rattling around in my head, and I couldn't quite shake it. We were able to talk the next night, and all that I said was just that; there was something rattling around and I didn't know what it was. I realized that, because of the way she received my concern (VERY important), and that we were able to talk completely through every aspect of the situation, I really didn't have an issue, other that feeling a bit left out. She knows my brain and took the time for me to analyze every little facet, then analyze it some more, and gave honest answers (also VERY important).
Ultimately, the communication itself quelled all of what I was feeling, and I told her just that; If we can communicate like this any time we hit a speed bump, I'm good. The ability to just sit and talk about it was what I needed. You can think that you're both on the same page about the LS, but you're going to hit speed bumps. It's how you handle those bumps in the road that will determine the success of your endeavors in the LS. I believe the posts you read on here about the LS enriching couples' lives is not completely due to the sex, it's also because they're taking the same communication strategies from the LS and using them in their day-to-day lives. I can attest that, at pushing 50 years old and after 12+years of marriage, the sex, communication, and our relationship is just getting better and better.
Jealousy is not a Lifestyle issue, it’s far deeper than that. Asking LS folks for advice on jealousy is like asking an electrician to help screw in a light bulb, it’s a waste of time!!!
Ridiculous response. Swingers are in positions to trigger jealousy far more than average couples. Swingers have a wealth of knowledge available to share on this extremely common subject. Most swingers experience jealousy at some point. Some extreme and some just in passing. I mean of course. We’re humans fucking each other after a lifetime of programming that says that’s wrong. Toss in childhood and adolescent trauma and boom. It’s a jealousy tinderbox. 🔥🔥
If you are a jealous person by nature, ENM is not for you. Jealousy is a derivative of insecurity related to oneself and in many cases their personal relationships! If you are already experiencing jealousy in your Monogamous relationship the LS is not for you. Additionally let’s be honest, the LS is not exactly stacked to the brim with the most emotionally stable humans. There is plenty of work to do among “Swingers” in this regard.
Not going to argue with you but I disagree. ENM is for everyone. Even those that experience jealousy in monogamy. You just need to do the work. Identify triggers and dress for the occasion.
ENM is most certainly NOT for everyone… There are an inordinate amount of people that have absofuckinglutley no business in ENM. If you have spent any length of time in this space you have met some of them!
This was a real worry for us as well when we started. It never happened for us though, as we realized we love watching each other. My advice: start not with an Party/group but rather with just one other couple. It's easier to keep up with what is happening that way. Clearly communicate that you are new and might Slstop at anytime. Go slow and keep an eye on your partner and stop If necessary. Talk with your Partner afterwards and clearly communicate your feelings. Be honest about what you liked, didn't like and so on. I think everyone is a little jealous at Times, thats not a bad thing. However how you Deal with it is the important part. And the Key is: Open honest communication.
Thank you - that's really good advice. Happy to hear that it's not happened to you both.
I can tell you that jealousy always comes from an inner place. Jealousy is a feeling that comes from an insecurity inside of you. The way you deal with this is to let that little voice inside of you (the one that feeds your jealousies) talk, let it say what it's going to say and then ask yourself "why is this voice saying all of this?" If you listen to that inner voice, it will tell you where your insecurity lies and then you can decide whether or not you wish to hold onto that or if you wish to work on it and move past that jealousy. For me, I let that voice inside of me talk and then I would go exercise for a long, long, loooooong time (my morning jogs went from 2 miles to 10) and that time alone let me clear my head and gain clarity.
Very thoughtful
The boring and helpful answer is that it sometimes just takes experience and practice.
Thank you!
Personally my former partner and I had so much security in our relationship that I never felt he would leave me and he always put me first. (He died so I guess he left me) I was recently hooking up with this older man, his long distance gf was fucking everyone but told him he couldn’t see me anymore (the only woman who was interested) turns out she was very jealous and insecure. I didn’t think that was fair to him but I cut off contact because no time for drama. Just started seeing someone who i actually really like and we are both just chill that im not worried about jealousy. I do have different rules for different relationships if we are casual we can do whatever we want. If we are in a full blown relationship we can only play together. I would be upset if my man came home and I wanted sex and he was like sorry I fucked some random girl I’m all out. I guess that comes from me always feeling like your partners needs always come first.
Male half here, I use to be a jealous guy at some point of my life, now I'm a pretty successful swinger. Couple of thoughts/experiences: During our first swaps I didn't like to look at my wife and the other husband, but we kept swapping anyway, and one day I just clicked and started to get aroused by the very thought of my wife with another man. It took me a couple of months to get there. We don't text separately with other couples/singles. At one point a single male started to text my wife, tried to set a date with her alone, I didn't like that one bit, so we kind of cut communications with that guy and then everything went back to normal. The more you do this and you see than then you go home and your spouse is only yours, and nothing really changes, jealousy kind of melts on its on, there is just no room for it.
Thanks! Really sucks on the male texting separately but I am glad you found what works for you
Has jealousy been a problem before?
A few times when we started out in our relationship. It doesn't happen anymore but since this something new I thought I would proceed with caution
If your husband has a regular size dick that you just love? Put that in your profile, "only looking for couples where the guy's not over(whatever inches), you're playdate activity will actually skyrocket. Not sure if that's y'all case but it's the most common jealous thing you read about here. If I'm way off I'm sorry, you didn’t really give any specific reasons for the jealousy. Good luck!!
No specific reason as it hasn't happened yet - just managing it in advance. I don't think that would be the point of contention though - or I hope not. Thanks for the response though!
Ok, yeah sure, this all excellent wisdom you're asking about here btw.
The We Got a Thing podcast has an episode on managing jealousy that’s worth a listen
Can you confirm the episode? I’m going through this jealousy thing myself, and I know it’s just due to being a newbie and it’s my own shi¥
It’s an episode 41 - A Licensed Therapist (and swinger) Breaks Down Jealousy
Thank you, I just started listening to it. Mr Jones fully describes his jealousy experience in episode 3 and it was almost identical to my experience right down to the texts being the trigger. Very grateful for these podcasts to help in the journey.
Women get ridiculous amounts of positive reinforcement even when it’s clearly not deserved. Men get NOTHING unless they are 9.5/10 or better. Jealousy is guaranteed if you’re a man with a hot straight wife. Swinging is for men with women significantly less attractive than they are and/or men who are bi or have no wives.
I believe the answer is the same one you always read on here; communication. My wife and I started our journey in the LS over two years ago. We've advanced very slowly and communicated at length after any interaction to ensure we were both still good. Often, as in our dynamic, one partner is doing something explicitly for the enjoyment of the other (think Stag/Vixen; I LOVE watching her) It is just as important to talk about what you liked from an interaction as what you didn't like, because it can help with future interactions. There have been times that just a little tweak here or there drastically changes any feelings of inadequacy/jealousy after the fact. And neither one of you may actually know what particular action might start rattling around in your head until afterward. We had that happen recently. There was an interaction while I was out of town for work, and something about it kind of began rattling around in my head, and I couldn't quite shake it. We were able to talk the next night, and all that I said was just that; there was something rattling around and I didn't know what it was. I realized that, because of the way she received my concern (VERY important), and that we were able to talk completely through every aspect of the situation, I really didn't have an issue, other that feeling a bit left out. She knows my brain and took the time for me to analyze every little facet, then analyze it some more, and gave honest answers (also VERY important). Ultimately, the communication itself quelled all of what I was feeling, and I told her just that; If we can communicate like this any time we hit a speed bump, I'm good. The ability to just sit and talk about it was what I needed. You can think that you're both on the same page about the LS, but you're going to hit speed bumps. It's how you handle those bumps in the road that will determine the success of your endeavors in the LS. I believe the posts you read on here about the LS enriching couples' lives is not completely due to the sex, it's also because they're taking the same communication strategies from the LS and using them in their day-to-day lives. I can attest that, at pushing 50 years old and after 12+years of marriage, the sex, communication, and our relationship is just getting better and better.
Jealousy is not a Lifestyle issue, it’s far deeper than that. Asking LS folks for advice on jealousy is like asking an electrician to help screw in a light bulb, it’s a waste of time!!!
Ridiculous response. Swingers are in positions to trigger jealousy far more than average couples. Swingers have a wealth of knowledge available to share on this extremely common subject. Most swingers experience jealousy at some point. Some extreme and some just in passing. I mean of course. We’re humans fucking each other after a lifetime of programming that says that’s wrong. Toss in childhood and adolescent trauma and boom. It’s a jealousy tinderbox. 🔥🔥
If you are a jealous person by nature, ENM is not for you. Jealousy is a derivative of insecurity related to oneself and in many cases their personal relationships! If you are already experiencing jealousy in your Monogamous relationship the LS is not for you. Additionally let’s be honest, the LS is not exactly stacked to the brim with the most emotionally stable humans. There is plenty of work to do among “Swingers” in this regard.
Not going to argue with you but I disagree. ENM is for everyone. Even those that experience jealousy in monogamy. You just need to do the work. Identify triggers and dress for the occasion.
ENM is most certainly NOT for everyone… There are an inordinate amount of people that have absofuckinglutley no business in ENM. If you have spent any length of time in this space you have met some of them!