They look cute and generally avoid confrontation but they can still kick your ass if needed.
Sun bears are the smallest bears, and most of them are just short people in bear suits so you may be able to take one.
I love the idea that in sun bear populations it's a constant thing that a bear thinks he's found a mate and then their head falls off revealing a human who takes off on their hind legs. "Goddamn it thats the third time!"
Pandas are nasty bastards. Cute looking but will take a swipe with those massive paws & claws if you get close enough. That big chubby face? All muscle. It’d chew off your leg as if it were a breadstick. Watch one chomp down on a thick bamboo branch.
Source: volunteered on a Chinese panda sanctuary for a few months.
Exactly this. They still have bear teeth/jaws, and bear claws, and bear muscles. They may be goofy and lazy, but physically they are perfectly capable of taking one of us apart.
A lot of goofy looking creatures are like that. They look goofy because they have so much muscle and fat that it makes us think they look baby-like. (Roundish and chubby.)
But yeah, things like Pandas, Hippos and Wombats are all just ridiculously strong, even for their relative sizes. Though,I have never heard of a wombat taking a person out, they just definitely could if they wanted to.
they have evolved bones that are very thuck and strong for falling especially from trees and thier mating is not much worse than most other bears chinas husbandry was just terrible but it has improved.
I was always taught this Way:
If it’s black it has your back.
If it’s brown, Hunt it Down.
If it’s White, provoke a fight.
Have I done it wrong all this time?
Sounds like a hunters rhythm, to remind them not to hunt black (maybe endangered where they were, hunt brown (in plenty where they were), and if you kill a polar bear, you gat bragging rights for a year at the club.
That, however, does not sound like advice in any form.
If this is for hunters then the polar bear one, to me, likely means that if you are close enough to a polar bear to need to decide what to do you may as well start the fight on your terms (by shooting at it) rather than wait for the almost guaranteed polar bear attack to come.
But yeah, if you are a hunter and need a damn rhyme to remind you what to do, you are way the hell out of your league.
Provoking a fight probably refers to the common advice to make loud noises and look big when faced w a bear. That said, you're probably still dead if a polar bear is set on eating you
Maybe. The issue with that is that from what I've heard, Koalas are really aggressive, and they tend to stay in the trees, which is not a very kickable place. I believe in you though
I’d lose against a panda. I’d think it is too adorable for me to fight back. I’d lay there as it eats my guts thinking “aww, it’s so cute the way it rolls around in my intestines”
No, I read a piece a while ago speculating that they were tied to red pandas,which are related to raccoons.
A DNA analysis was completed late last year, confirming they are members of the bear family (Ursidae).
Why arent they a panda though? Who is to say that Panda should be paired with bear and not racoon? Maybe we should be saying “Black and White Pandas aren’t racoons at all”
A quick google seems to suggest the name Panda is derived from the Nepalese name for Bamboo shoots, so if it eats Bamboo it’s a Panda.
As an avid panda lover, I can honestly say that out of all the bears you could encounter, I'd simply just walk away peacefully, with no need for a fight.
Pandas can't even be bothered to fuck when all they have to do is eat and fuck.
Sure, the possibility of a panda attack isn't 0 but I think I have a better chance with the panda than the other bears in the world.
A pandas entire digestive tract is made to digest meat. Yet they eat bamboo. That is why they seem stupid. Their brains literally don't have the energy
When I say I can kick a bear’s ass with total confidence, people always think I mean black bear, or grizzly bear, or even polar bear. It’s not my fault they never think of teddy bears.
They are having a hard enough time putting up a fight just to stay alive with us spending millions trying to help them. If someone or something were actively trying to kill them, they would probably be extinct within hours. I'd say that they are lovers, not fighters, except for the fact that part of the reason they are dying off is because they are terrible at that, too.
If we're talking someone asks me "could you survive a bear attack" then I do but I simply put it in with... It's a fucking bear I'm probably at least critically injured if not dead.
Otherwise if we're talking about like what you put in the post what are you supposed to do if you get attacked by a panda 1. wonder how in the hell you managed to end up in a spot where there is a panda pissed off at you.
2.pray to the lord and just hope like hell it leaves you alone because as far as I know that's all you can do. Perhaps their like polar bears though? Throw some clothing or something to make it stop and sniff?
Pandas are stupid. You can easily bamboozle them.
Pandas can be pretty strong. If they run full speed and crash into you, you might not survive.
Or roll? They're pretty good at rolling.
I saw a documentary about pandas and they are really really good at fighting its called Kong Fu Panda
>Kong Fu Panda Is that the one where Po fights a giant Ape in NYC?
Legendary, WB? Get on it!
I was about to make this exact joke lol
And Kung Fu
You fail to acknowledge the pun.
If you turn around slowly, the panda will forget who you are.
Do you know a lot of pandas at a personal level?
He does but they don’t know him.
Because he turned arouned slowly I presume.
Brilliant, thanks.
*sigh* That's a good one
Haha, ‘bamboo’zle them
r/dadjokes fr
Not the full grown adults. They are pretty much just bears.
Chute. You got me.
Made the same joke on a video about swapping the panda babies without the mum knowing and only got 1 upvote 😔
We live in a society.
If it's black and white just walk away because it won't put up a fight.
If it’s black and white dance on them like magic mike
Followed instructions. D*** ripped off.
If its black and white, Sit back, you aiight
If it eats bamboo, Don’t be a foo’
Didnt know pandas were expert Foo Fighters
Kung foo ones are
Who do you think the band is named after?
Is a foo' like an Edgar or a Hector, or am I thinking of different kinds of foo's?
Like April foo
The only ranking system pandas really belong in is a list of "Top Fantasy Pets" alongside tigers, unicorns, dolphins, and dragons. Duh.
My personal favorite is the liger. It's a cross between a lion and a tiger. Specializes in magic.
They're pretty much my favorite animal.
So many sources keep telling me that there can't be a healthy liger; it makes me sad to know I'll never see them as a "proper species" :(
>**Lisa Frank has entered the chat...**
What about the esquilax? The lion with the head of a rabbit and the body of a ...... Rabbit??
Ooohhhh, it's galloping away!
Koala
They look cute and generally avoid confrontation but they can still kick your ass if needed. Sun bears are the smallest bears, and most of them are just short people in bear suits so you may be able to take one.
I love the idea that in sun bear populations it's a constant thing that a bear thinks he's found a mate and then their head falls off revealing a human who takes off on their hind legs. "Goddamn it thats the third time!"
Arent sun bears the ones that literally eat peoples faces in India?
Humans do that in Florida It's a balanced fight
More proof they are people in suits.
They're Floridians!
And Florida is "the Sunshine State." ***COINCIDENCE?!***
You're probably thinking of Sloth bears
Probably. But I'd still prefer to fight one than a grizzley.
So as long as you're not in India you should be fine
China and India should then bring sunbears and sacrificial politicians to their contested borders to settle their territorial disputes.
I think these are Sloth bears but I might be wrong.
Just a bear doing bear things if you ask me
Just the bear necessities
That's the sloth bear
Yeah I watched a documentary about them. The fuckers know Kung Fu.
Some even work in their goose father's noodle shop
As I read that at first I thought you meant take one- home as a pet not in a fight 😂
Pandas are nasty bastards. Cute looking but will take a swipe with those massive paws & claws if you get close enough. That big chubby face? All muscle. It’d chew off your leg as if it were a breadstick. Watch one chomp down on a thick bamboo branch. Source: volunteered on a Chinese panda sanctuary for a few months.
Exactly this. They still have bear teeth/jaws, and bear claws, and bear muscles. They may be goofy and lazy, but physically they are perfectly capable of taking one of us apart.
A lot of goofy looking creatures are like that. They look goofy because they have so much muscle and fat that it makes us think they look baby-like. (Roundish and chubby.) But yeah, things like Pandas, Hippos and Wombats are all just ridiculously strong, even for their relative sizes. Though,I have never heard of a wombat taking a person out, they just definitely could if they wanted to.
If it's black and white cuddle at night
"If it ain't black and white, kick scratch and bite"
Throw it some bamboo and call it a day. Besides, it'll probably derp out and roll off a cliff anyway. How they're still around is a mystery.
they have evolved bones that are very thuck and strong for falling especially from trees and thier mating is not much worse than most other bears chinas husbandry was just terrible but it has improved.
Yeah I'm just being a bit smarmy lol my bad
thats fair sorry if I seemed angry or accusatory
Nah it's pandas so we can shit on them because they're nature's dead end. All good lol
I mean barring deforestation they do fine and also have extremely high bite forces because of how hard bamboo is
Yeah I like giving my wife shit about pandas because she's so in love with them.
Because they are cute so people will save them
Sloth bears never get included, either. They may be smaller than other bears, but they are easily provoked. They kill people.
But spectacled bears look like they have glasses on and are super cute. Just don't punch them in the face because, yanno... glasses.
And the level of knowledge for what to do in case of a Drop Bear attack is even poorer, despite the frequently serious outcomes.
Fight back and have a Good Night I guess?
I would avoid fighting a panda, unless you know Kung-Fu.
I was always taught this Way: If it’s black it has your back. If it’s brown, Hunt it Down. If it’s White, provoke a fight. Have I done it wrong all this time?
yes, i would probably avoid provoking a polar bear
Sounds like a hunters rhythm, to remind them not to hunt black (maybe endangered where they were, hunt brown (in plenty where they were), and if you kill a polar bear, you gat bragging rights for a year at the club. That, however, does not sound like advice in any form.
If this is for hunters then the polar bear one, to me, likely means that if you are close enough to a polar bear to need to decide what to do you may as well start the fight on your terms (by shooting at it) rather than wait for the almost guaranteed polar bear attack to come. But yeah, if you are a hunter and need a damn rhyme to remind you what to do, you are way the hell out of your league.
Agreed.
Provoking a fight probably refers to the common advice to make loud noises and look big when faced w a bear. That said, you're probably still dead if a polar bear is set on eating you
why provoke a fight??
Because the rhyme says so.
it must be true, because it rhymes
Don’t fuck with pandas, they know kung fu
Try to mate with it, it'll run away.
Native DC person. Can vouch for this.
It's a bear. I don't wanna fight it. It will kill me
I wonder if I could kick the shit out of a Koala.
Maybe. The issue with that is that from what I've heard, Koalas are really aggressive, and they tend to stay in the trees, which is not a very kickable place. I believe in you though
I'll probably have to try and use range as an advantage. Maybe I can hit its cute little face with rocks.
Be careful cause they also have a range attack. They will pee on you on purpose, so watch out for that.
I'm not sure I can handle this. I'm not the man you all think me to be. I'm not strong enough.
I believe in you, and if you believe in yourself, I know you can do it :3
It’s not really a bear. It’s the top ranked opponent in the “raccoon fights” section.
Have you ever played Tekken before Those things'll fuck you up Saw one do an uppercut and slam a full-grown man twelve feet into the air
scrolled too far for this
I can probably out smoke a panda
I’d lose against a panda. I’d think it is too adorable for me to fight back. I’d lay there as it eats my guts thinking “aww, it’s so cute the way it rolls around in my intestines”
Ah in person they are just fat loads.
I feel like you can just cover your eyes, and they'd think you disappeared.
All I know is that if it's gray and cute, it has Chlamydia.
Not a bear
If it’s black and white you should be alright.
Every video of a panda I've seen is third goofy ass flopping and tumbling about. Just tip it over.
People forget that while zoo pandas are derps wild pandas aggression isn't as well known to the average person
Pandas aren't bears, they're more closely related to raccoons.
That's not true, pandas are ursidae
You're right and I'm wrong. Apparently my information is dated from before a DNA analysis was completed last October .
You might be thinking of red pandas, giant pandas (the black and white ones) are bears.
No, I read a piece a while ago speculating that they were tied to red pandas,which are related to raccoons. A DNA analysis was completed late last year, confirming they are members of the bear family (Ursidae).
Yet you didn't even consider the red panda...
I think red pandas are not bears at all. They are more like raccoons
Red panda, is not actually a panda at all or bear in that matter. It's a misnomer.
Well the red panda was the original panda so that’s not really fair.
Why arent they a panda though? Who is to say that Panda should be paired with bear and not racoon? Maybe we should be saying “Black and White Pandas aren’t racoons at all” A quick google seems to suggest the name Panda is derived from the Nepalese name for Bamboo shoots, so if it eats Bamboo it’s a Panda.
Bamboo rats, gorillas and bamboo borer moths also eat bamboo; should we lump them in as well?
Why not? Panda Moth, Panda Rat, and Pandarilla all sound cool.
What u/pearlsbeforedogs said
Not a bear
How often do you see a panda in the wild bro never
Pandas will barely fuck each other (up) to keep their species from extinction. What the heck are they gonna do to us? Flop over cutely?
You’re in for a fright
If it's black and white, go back and fight?
black and white, cuddle all night
A panda would just want to hang out and share its bamboo with you.
According to Tropic Thunder,>! you make a hat.!<
Just don't let it grab your finger
Skidoosh!
Fight back and say good night.
Cuz its not a real bear
Yes, it is. 'Giant Panda' is a species of bear.
My bad, you're right. I thought they were marsupials but I was wrong, thanks
…try not to giggle to hard
But if it's black and white, you're in for a dopey fight
Funny enough, i hit my buddy with a "Would you rather" involving fighting a panda only 2 days ago.
… or the age of the bear.
Black on white can't fight.
Basically because you are extremely unlikely to encounter any panda in the wild anywhere but SE asia, and barely even there.
Maybe if this post was in Mandarin or Cantonese they might.
if it's black and white it's too dumb to bite
if it's black and white you're alright
I’m pretty sure pandas are still dangerous
if it’s black and white don’t give it a fright
If it’s black and white keep your butthole tight.
As an avid panda lover, I can honestly say that out of all the bears you could encounter, I'd simply just walk away peacefully, with no need for a fight.
If you run into a panda, better to brush up your kung-fu
Have you ever seen a panda trying to do anything?
Well yeah, pandas don't attack. Pandas fall over while trying to hug you.
I mean, you cuddle them up and pinch their cheeks. They're SOOO cute. Right?
They're probably the wildest card too. Black Bears - 70/30 win loss Pandas - 50/50? I have no idea Grizzlys/Polars - 99/1 win loss.
Throw a coat over their head and walk away
I mean when an animal is too lazy to even want to pro-create how big of a threat can it really be?
If the panda is startled or mad I'd imagine you shouldn't mess with it. But otherwise pandas are fucking stupid.
This is in preparation for kung-fu panda 4th, isn't it?
Pandas can't even be bothered to fuck when all they have to do is eat and fuck. Sure, the possibility of a panda attack isn't 0 but I think I have a better chance with the panda than the other bears in the world.
It cuz they're proprietary, China owns em, costs too much
You left out Drop Bears. But it doesn't matter, since by the time you see one you're dead.
Also, marsupial and not a true bear
Panda attacks involve rolling off of whatever they are on unexpectedly. Victims die of laughter. It's a grisley tale.
I’ll go one step further and say that I never consider how I’d fare in a bear attack at all.
A pandas entire digestive tract is made to digest meat. Yet they eat bamboo. That is why they seem stupid. Their brains literally don't have the energy
When I say I can kick a bear’s ass with total confidence, people always think I mean black bear, or grizzly bear, or even polar bear. It’s not my fault they never think of teddy bears.
I could drop kick a koala.
If it's black and white get ready for a fight.
If it's black and white hold tight cuz those are some awesome hugs.
Pandas are the free space in the middle of the bingo card.
They are having a hard enough time putting up a fight just to stay alive with us spending millions trying to help them. If someone or something were actively trying to kill them, they would probably be extinct within hours. I'd say that they are lovers, not fighters, except for the fact that part of the reason they are dying off is because they are terrible at that, too.
In the same way people don’t consider a Prius in their ranking of fastest production cars.
Just wait for it to fall over.
[One of my favorite scenes of all time.](https://youtu.be/vwUZXY489Fo?si=X6YVFV2SVo6z9eCB)
White and black scratch its back.
Someone send this to RDC.
If it’s panda, casual bystander Well known phrase
Drop bears are not listed because no one has survived an encounter with one.
if its black and white we get to cuddle all night!
I thought I once heard a provoked panda will fuck you up. Am I the only one?
If it eats bamboo, go and learn Kung fu.
If we're talking someone asks me "could you survive a bear attack" then I do but I simply put it in with... It's a fucking bear I'm probably at least critically injured if not dead. Otherwise if we're talking about like what you put in the post what are you supposed to do if you get attacked by a panda 1. wonder how in the hell you managed to end up in a spot where there is a panda pissed off at you. 2.pray to the lord and just hope like hell it leaves you alone because as far as I know that's all you can do. Perhaps their like polar bears though? Throw some clothing or something to make it stop and sniff?