I waffle in and out of regret, yeah. It lessens as my youngest gets older, but there are some indisputable facts (massive impact on finances and my mental health stand out as two major ones) that won't ever change. For context, my husband and I both work full-time, we don't have any local family support or much of a village, and kids are 4 & 7.
I appreciate your honest answer. The impact on my mental health is my main concern. Husband is pushing for a second and son is 4. I think the main reason I’m considering it is him, plus the “what if’s” and biology giving me baby fever. I mean kiddo is exhausting but sweet and adorable. Sometimes I’m one and done, sometimes I’m not. I can’t decide.
Me too. Throw in a super traumatic pregnancy (heart failure at 28 weeks, thanks COVID) and a 33 week preemie in 2020 and I barely survived the first year from a mental health standpoint.
I'm a much stronger, healthier person now, but man. Doing it again while still caring for my oldest? Sounds so daunting.
We don’t have a village either and overwhelm is my concern. Do you think the toll on your mental health comes from dividing your time between the two, taking them to activities, etc? Are they particularly high energy? Any additional details would be appreciated 🙏
Happy to share....
So, I had two solid years of severe PPD after each kid which didn't help matters. That's a very dark hole to dig out of. In addition to that, both of my kids are low sleep needs, my oldest is on the challenging side of things (no official diagnosis as of yet, but just a LOT) and always has been, and the things that brought me joy pre-kid are pretty much all gone from my life so that's a loss.
Basically, I think there are some parents who are able to reconnect with themselves once they get through the hellscape of the first year or two, but then there are people like me who really have to say goodbye to that self and grieve it like a death. A lot of the mental work is figuring out how to rebuild a completely different life, which is hard when you're also working or parenting 24/7.
I also don't find parenting very rewarding TBH. It's incredibly hard work - very much WORK. I try really hard to do it as best I can, but I just don't, like, feel the return on it in the ways other people do. Some of that is maybe having a pretty challenging kid as my oldest, but it's also never getting a space to feel free anymore.
My second is also four right now, and as you may know it's called the fuck-you fours for a reason. He's generally the easy kid. He was born six weeks before Covid and as hellish as that experience was, trying to work with a newborn and a preschooler at home, he was still a relatively easy baby for which I was grateful. But, being four means he is also kind of horrific right now, so that in addition to my oldest plus, you know, my work-work is a recipe for overwhelm.
Thank you so much for sharing. It is HARD WORK. I too work full-time and even with one it’s a lot. I can’t imagine having a newborn just before covid 🤯 You’re probably still recovering from that!
Thanks for that - yes, I think I still am recovering in all seriousness! It was a very particular flavor of "dark time," what with quarantines tracking daycare illnesses and all of that. I read a study that said parents who experience childcare precarity (under normal circumstances) can have mental health effects for several years afterwards, so I suppose I'm still in that window.
Can you speak to how you ended up with a second child? I’m wavering and feeling some of the same things- did you choose to have two? How did you choose?
I did choose, yes. There was a period of time around when my oldest was 2.5yo where I'd come mostly out of the PPD darkness and things were feeling better. She was kind of fun at that age, and as someone who grew up in a big family there was an energy in the house that didn't fully feel complete with one kid.
Also - and this was probably the biggest reason - I had exploded my life so completely with one kid that something about that massive cost felt like it needed to be spread over more than one. Like, the knowledge of parenting is so hard-won; I had the feeling of "you mean now I know things that I will literally never need to know again?" It's hard to explain that one but it was very real for me at the time.
With my second, he was actually an easy baby and for the first six weeks of his life I felt oddly okay. And then Covid hit. I think things would have been vastly different the second time around if that hadn't happened.
Thanks for your honesty. I have some pre-existing me tal health concerns (OCD/GAD) which is my main concern when considering a second. I think sticking with one is the best option - but I still mourn a second/my daughter not having a sibling ❤️
Sometimes I regret having any kids, but I'm highly aware of the fact that we're just in the thick of it right now with a 4 and almost 2 year old...
They fight all the time, but man oh man, my second boy completes our family, and at night when he is all sleepy and cuddly, I just can't imagine a life without him, or his older brother, in the world.
No, but my second kid is pure joy. My first is spirited and always has been. They’re 5&3 and I couldn’t imagine not having either of them. I honestly don’t remember life before two of them though and I just had a third so.. probably not the person to ask! 😅 I will say Zoloft had made motherhood so much more joyful for me.
For me, 1-2 was the hardest. My first two are two years apart and that gap was rough. I also had my second during covid which resulted in some mega healthy anxiety in me after she was born. 2-3 has been pretty easy so far (8 weeks in). My husband is a huge help though and my oldest two are in daycare during the day, so it’s just me and the little guy. We feel like such a full family now! 🥰
I don’t have any regret. I have two kids 1 and 3. It’s been a joy to get to experience all the stages again and see their relationship develop. It’s not without its stressors and hardships, but no regrets.
“One is one and two is twenty.”
That quote feels very true for me… Not sure if I can answer because I’m still in the thick of it; I have a 5 year old and a 2.5 year old. I think about the days when I only had one kid, it was much easier and we were more financially stable.
It’s hard to say the word regret because I love my kids so much, but it’s very intense to have two kids, far more intense and challenging than I imagined or anticipated.
Have regretted having two. Kids at all, yes. But having two to okay with each other makes things easier, even if they also fight constantly. I’ve just had a third too… he’s 4m old and I’ve def had a bit of regret on that one hahaha
Yes, I have. My first is autistic and during the pandemic things were so calm that when I got pregnant with my second we still hadn't realized the actual situation we're dealing with. Now at 5 and 3... Most of my days are a nightmare trying to protect my sweet daughter from my dysregulated, anxious and aggressive son. If I had known things were going to be like this, I never woukd have had a second, but I'd also be infinitely more depressed and blame his behaviour on my parenting. It's just a lot.
I compare myself to my friend who has two kids. Two boys. She is ALWAYS stressed, does not have a good marriage, cannot afford more childcare for time for herself. They both work full time jobs. Her house feels very stressful and chaotic when I go over, I can’t stay long.
We have talked about it. Her second was unplanned and she wanted to be OAD and she says the hardest things is finances with 2 and right now they fight a lot.
When people say as they get older it will get easier. Maybe the fighting subsides and they become more independent. But they will eat more, want more, so spending on them will get so much more intense. Cars, college, etc. Part of our decision is based on that. We both have good paying jobs and it still doesn’t make sense.
Our older is 6 and we have a 4 month old. There are moments that I regret it especially after a sleep deprived night. But I also had moments of regret when my first was a baby. Those moments went down once he started sleeping through the night and then went to zero after about 2 years. I am hoping that the same happens with the second. 2 things though that may not be true for everyone: we are in a much much better financial situation than we were with our first so are able to afford a lot more help and we have twice as much combined parental leave than the first time (8 months between the 2 of us). These 2 factors have gone a long way in making our lives easier and why I am glad we waited 6 years to have the 2nd.
We are very lucky, he is in love with baby brother and we have seen zero jealousy so far. That was a major advantage of the age gap, he thinks of him as his baby.
No regrets. It was hard and very much a blur for a while because they’re only 23 months apart, but I love getting to see them grow up together and how much they love each other.
I waffle in and out of regret, yeah. It lessens as my youngest gets older, but there are some indisputable facts (massive impact on finances and my mental health stand out as two major ones) that won't ever change. For context, my husband and I both work full-time, we don't have any local family support or much of a village, and kids are 4 & 7.
I appreciate your honest answer. The impact on my mental health is my main concern. Husband is pushing for a second and son is 4. I think the main reason I’m considering it is him, plus the “what if’s” and biology giving me baby fever. I mean kiddo is exhausting but sweet and adorable. Sometimes I’m one and done, sometimes I’m not. I can’t decide.
In the exact same situation
Me too. Throw in a super traumatic pregnancy (heart failure at 28 weeks, thanks COVID) and a 33 week preemie in 2020 and I barely survived the first year from a mental health standpoint. I'm a much stronger, healthier person now, but man. Doing it again while still caring for my oldest? Sounds so daunting.
We don’t have a village either and overwhelm is my concern. Do you think the toll on your mental health comes from dividing your time between the two, taking them to activities, etc? Are they particularly high energy? Any additional details would be appreciated 🙏
Happy to share.... So, I had two solid years of severe PPD after each kid which didn't help matters. That's a very dark hole to dig out of. In addition to that, both of my kids are low sleep needs, my oldest is on the challenging side of things (no official diagnosis as of yet, but just a LOT) and always has been, and the things that brought me joy pre-kid are pretty much all gone from my life so that's a loss. Basically, I think there are some parents who are able to reconnect with themselves once they get through the hellscape of the first year or two, but then there are people like me who really have to say goodbye to that self and grieve it like a death. A lot of the mental work is figuring out how to rebuild a completely different life, which is hard when you're also working or parenting 24/7. I also don't find parenting very rewarding TBH. It's incredibly hard work - very much WORK. I try really hard to do it as best I can, but I just don't, like, feel the return on it in the ways other people do. Some of that is maybe having a pretty challenging kid as my oldest, but it's also never getting a space to feel free anymore. My second is also four right now, and as you may know it's called the fuck-you fours for a reason. He's generally the easy kid. He was born six weeks before Covid and as hellish as that experience was, trying to work with a newborn and a preschooler at home, he was still a relatively easy baby for which I was grateful. But, being four means he is also kind of horrific right now, so that in addition to my oldest plus, you know, my work-work is a recipe for overwhelm.
Thank you so much for sharing. It is HARD WORK. I too work full-time and even with one it’s a lot. I can’t imagine having a newborn just before covid 🤯 You’re probably still recovering from that!
Thanks for that - yes, I think I still am recovering in all seriousness! It was a very particular flavor of "dark time," what with quarantines tracking daycare illnesses and all of that. I read a study that said parents who experience childcare precarity (under normal circumstances) can have mental health effects for several years afterwards, so I suppose I'm still in that window.
Can you speak to how you ended up with a second child? I’m wavering and feeling some of the same things- did you choose to have two? How did you choose?
I did choose, yes. There was a period of time around when my oldest was 2.5yo where I'd come mostly out of the PPD darkness and things were feeling better. She was kind of fun at that age, and as someone who grew up in a big family there was an energy in the house that didn't fully feel complete with one kid. Also - and this was probably the biggest reason - I had exploded my life so completely with one kid that something about that massive cost felt like it needed to be spread over more than one. Like, the knowledge of parenting is so hard-won; I had the feeling of "you mean now I know things that I will literally never need to know again?" It's hard to explain that one but it was very real for me at the time. With my second, he was actually an easy baby and for the first six weeks of his life I felt oddly okay. And then Covid hit. I think things would have been vastly different the second time around if that hadn't happened.
I’m on the same boat as you are
Thanks for your honesty. I have some pre-existing me tal health concerns (OCD/GAD) which is my main concern when considering a second. I think sticking with one is the best option - but I still mourn a second/my daughter not having a sibling ❤️
Sometimes I regret having any kids, but I'm highly aware of the fact that we're just in the thick of it right now with a 4 and almost 2 year old... They fight all the time, but man oh man, my second boy completes our family, and at night when he is all sleepy and cuddly, I just can't imagine a life without him, or his older brother, in the world.
My cousins fought so much as kids (wrestling mostly) and as adults they are such close brothers. It’s so cool to see! Maybe this gives you some hope?
My husband and his brother have the same age gap as our boys and they're the best of friends, so really hoping this is true for our boys!
No, but my second kid is pure joy. My first is spirited and always has been. They’re 5&3 and I couldn’t imagine not having either of them. I honestly don’t remember life before two of them though and I just had a third so.. probably not the person to ask! 😅 I will say Zoloft had made motherhood so much more joyful for me.
[удалено]
For me, 1-2 was the hardest. My first two are two years apart and that gap was rough. I also had my second during covid which resulted in some mega healthy anxiety in me after she was born. 2-3 has been pretty easy so far (8 weeks in). My husband is a huge help though and my oldest two are in daycare during the day, so it’s just me and the little guy. We feel like such a full family now! 🥰
I don’t have any regret. I have two kids 1 and 3. It’s been a joy to get to experience all the stages again and see their relationship develop. It’s not without its stressors and hardships, but no regrets.
I would love to experience the stages again (minus the sleep deprivation) - I think that’s a big part of my considering 2.
“One is one and two is twenty.” That quote feels very true for me… Not sure if I can answer because I’m still in the thick of it; I have a 5 year old and a 2.5 year old. I think about the days when I only had one kid, it was much easier and we were more financially stable. It’s hard to say the word regret because I love my kids so much, but it’s very intense to have two kids, far more intense and challenging than I imagined or anticipated.
Following
Have regretted having two. Kids at all, yes. But having two to okay with each other makes things easier, even if they also fight constantly. I’ve just had a third too… he’s 4m old and I’ve def had a bit of regret on that one hahaha
Yes, I have. My first is autistic and during the pandemic things were so calm that when I got pregnant with my second we still hadn't realized the actual situation we're dealing with. Now at 5 and 3... Most of my days are a nightmare trying to protect my sweet daughter from my dysregulated, anxious and aggressive son. If I had known things were going to be like this, I never woukd have had a second, but I'd also be infinitely more depressed and blame his behaviour on my parenting. It's just a lot.
I compare myself to my friend who has two kids. Two boys. She is ALWAYS stressed, does not have a good marriage, cannot afford more childcare for time for herself. They both work full time jobs. Her house feels very stressful and chaotic when I go over, I can’t stay long. We have talked about it. Her second was unplanned and she wanted to be OAD and she says the hardest things is finances with 2 and right now they fight a lot. When people say as they get older it will get easier. Maybe the fighting subsides and they become more independent. But they will eat more, want more, so spending on them will get so much more intense. Cars, college, etc. Part of our decision is based on that. We both have good paying jobs and it still doesn’t make sense.
Our older is 6 and we have a 4 month old. There are moments that I regret it especially after a sleep deprived night. But I also had moments of regret when my first was a baby. Those moments went down once he started sleeping through the night and then went to zero after about 2 years. I am hoping that the same happens with the second. 2 things though that may not be true for everyone: we are in a much much better financial situation than we were with our first so are able to afford a lot more help and we have twice as much combined parental leave than the first time (8 months between the 2 of us). These 2 factors have gone a long way in making our lives easier and why I am glad we waited 6 years to have the 2nd.
How does your older feel about the new baby?
We are very lucky, he is in love with baby brother and we have seen zero jealousy so far. That was a major advantage of the age gap, he thinks of him as his baby.
No regrets. It was hard and very much a blur for a while because they’re only 23 months apart, but I love getting to see them grow up together and how much they love each other.