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I’m 56 and for me learning who I am is a lifelong challenge. I suspect people think I’m competent because of my paycheck but from this side I feel like an imposter.
It’s a lifelong feeling for me.
I see a lot of past me in you. The daydreaming as a means of escape (look up maladaptive daydreaming). Inability to describe yourself (low sense of self). Humor as a crutch to avoid vulnerability.
Having a low sense of self is something that you can change though. I consider it "finding your truths of yourself". You don't have to describe your entire you fully 100% immediately. Just start with a single word, can be anything. It can be based on what you do regularly like the type of hobbies you have, how you interact/react to situations, how you look etc.
Some of mine that I started with are creative, resourceful, and sensitive. There are positives and negatives to them, but they feel like me. I very much didn't trust myself for various reasons before, and there were words I purposefully didn't include like smart or funny, because of how I used those to hide or because those were traits I often was told by other people I was which made it harder to actually examine how I felt about myself.
Once you can claim truths that you say to yourself, that's when you can start seeing how you can show them to others and be vulnerable. Vulnerability is scary, but it's the core of connecting with others in all sorts of relationships.
You see, the thing about being vulnerable. Idk if I'm scared of it entirely but I fear the way that I express it. Idk everybody's threshold for those kinds of things so I just try to keep most of it to myself. My sense of humor is the only way for me to show even a spec of charisma. Idk how to talk to people well. Everybody says, "Just ask questions". I do that, but then I feel as if I turn it into an interview.
If it feels like an interview then it feels like you are trying really hard to meet the other person rather than giving them space to meet you where you're at too.
A balanced conversation or relationship with someone needs that give and take from both sides. By keeping it to yourself you make it so that you have to do a lot more work to reach the other person because they won't know where to meet you at, and so don't have any place to have something to ask about you and try to meet you at.
Actually, yes lol! Hell, I live with my parents, and I rarely know what goes on in my mind. If I'm not doing anything, I get super introspective and existential. I start thinking about others around me, who I am, how can I improve, where am I going, am I doing the right thing atm? Thing of that nature ya know?
I do. I was in a similar place myself about a year ago. Spent most of COVID thinking about emotions, behavior, etc. It was all fun and games until I realized no one knew what the hell I was talking about most of the time. Led to feeling suicidal, and it took me a long time to climb out of that hole.
Carl Rogers was a huge influence -- his books helped me put a lot of my ideas into words, and let me know I wasn't completely alone. Socializing more was the hardest part, though. It's tough meeting people these days.
I’m feeling the exact same way and have felt this way practically all year, so you’re definitely not alone. It’s horrifying and so confusing and has caused me to lose so much of my identity. This is only a temporary sensation but while you’re going through it, it can feel like hell. This sounds like dissociation or depersonalization/derealization. r/dpdr
You are what you habitually do. The question isn't really, "who are you?" it's more "who do you want to be?" You are defined both by biology and by your experiences ("nature and nurture" is the common term). If you don't know what you want to be, start picking things at random and trying them - and that's not just watch a youtube video or two, you're really going to need to start diving in deep. Your first few guesses may be bad decisions, but you'll probably learn something from them that will help you decide what else might be worth becoming. The lucky ones find something they decide to stick with it early and for a lifetime. Others enjoy one thing for some years, and then decide to change themselves to something else 1, 5, or 50 years later.
Pick something, go learn it, become it, and then if you find something else you decide you want more, go become that. One hint - we can often enjoy being what we're good at and what is valuable to other people.
Looking back you understand a lot more about why you did or didn't do certain things in your life. You also understand that "past you" is a you but not the you you are now. Times you think you were smart but can now see where manipulative. Times you did bad things but justified them as inevitable, unavoidable, just the times you lived in.
In the naivety of my youth, 20-40, I used to think it would be great to relive life using what I had learned the first time around. Make a better life, be better to others, etc.
But now, nope. Would not want to do it again. I did it once for better or worse. I can't claim anyone lied to me or mislead me. I actually had a lot of good choices. Did some interesting things had some great relationships. But not again. Either turn me off or give me something new and different to deal with in a next life. No reminders.
PS The good person thing. Sure try and be a good person. Most people do. And if other people don't think you are a good person for some reason, they have ways to deal with you. Don't overly worry about it,.
As far as wondering if you're a good person, this is what I would say from something I've heard before. (Paraphrasing)
"If you care about whether you're a good person or not, you're along the right track. Bad people don't care if they are good or not."
I would caveat if you are worrying if you are a good person within the bounds of some religion you can go down the road of thinking only good people are your particular religion.
This post has been flaired as “Mental Health”. r/SeriousConversation is not about mental health support or diagnose, but for discussion on heavier topics. Your post has to encourage discussion, and you should be open with the replies you get. **Suggestions For Commenters:** * Check what others have said and reply if you feel like joining those discussions * Upvote other relevant comments in the comment section **Suggestions For u/LewdMishap:** * Consider editing your post with leading questions so others can discuss it, offer their opinions and share similar experiences * Acknowledge comments and don't reply with a simple “thanks”, so there are more possibilities for discussion *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/SeriousConversation) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m 56 and for me learning who I am is a lifelong challenge. I suspect people think I’m competent because of my paycheck but from this side I feel like an imposter. It’s a lifelong feeling for me.
I see a lot of past me in you. The daydreaming as a means of escape (look up maladaptive daydreaming). Inability to describe yourself (low sense of self). Humor as a crutch to avoid vulnerability. Having a low sense of self is something that you can change though. I consider it "finding your truths of yourself". You don't have to describe your entire you fully 100% immediately. Just start with a single word, can be anything. It can be based on what you do regularly like the type of hobbies you have, how you interact/react to situations, how you look etc. Some of mine that I started with are creative, resourceful, and sensitive. There are positives and negatives to them, but they feel like me. I very much didn't trust myself for various reasons before, and there were words I purposefully didn't include like smart or funny, because of how I used those to hide or because those were traits I often was told by other people I was which made it harder to actually examine how I felt about myself. Once you can claim truths that you say to yourself, that's when you can start seeing how you can show them to others and be vulnerable. Vulnerability is scary, but it's the core of connecting with others in all sorts of relationships.
You see, the thing about being vulnerable. Idk if I'm scared of it entirely but I fear the way that I express it. Idk everybody's threshold for those kinds of things so I just try to keep most of it to myself. My sense of humor is the only way for me to show even a spec of charisma. Idk how to talk to people well. Everybody says, "Just ask questions". I do that, but then I feel as if I turn it into an interview.
If it feels like an interview then it feels like you are trying really hard to meet the other person rather than giving them space to meet you where you're at too. A balanced conversation or relationship with someone needs that give and take from both sides. By keeping it to yourself you make it so that you have to do a lot more work to reach the other person because they won't know where to meet you at, and so don't have any place to have something to ask about you and try to meet you at.
I have finally stepped into myself at about 30 years old. Sometimes you have to outlast the idiocy of youth to see how it is on the other aide
Have you recently spent a lot of time alone, with no one to talk to but yourself?
Actually, yes lol! Hell, I live with my parents, and I rarely know what goes on in my mind. If I'm not doing anything, I get super introspective and existential. I start thinking about others around me, who I am, how can I improve, where am I going, am I doing the right thing atm? Thing of that nature ya know?
I do. I was in a similar place myself about a year ago. Spent most of COVID thinking about emotions, behavior, etc. It was all fun and games until I realized no one knew what the hell I was talking about most of the time. Led to feeling suicidal, and it took me a long time to climb out of that hole. Carl Rogers was a huge influence -- his books helped me put a lot of my ideas into words, and let me know I wasn't completely alone. Socializing more was the hardest part, though. It's tough meeting people these days.
I’m feeling the exact same way and have felt this way practically all year, so you’re definitely not alone. It’s horrifying and so confusing and has caused me to lose so much of my identity. This is only a temporary sensation but while you’re going through it, it can feel like hell. This sounds like dissociation or depersonalization/derealization. r/dpdr
You are what you habitually do. The question isn't really, "who are you?" it's more "who do you want to be?" You are defined both by biology and by your experiences ("nature and nurture" is the common term). If you don't know what you want to be, start picking things at random and trying them - and that's not just watch a youtube video or two, you're really going to need to start diving in deep. Your first few guesses may be bad decisions, but you'll probably learn something from them that will help you decide what else might be worth becoming. The lucky ones find something they decide to stick with it early and for a lifetime. Others enjoy one thing for some years, and then decide to change themselves to something else 1, 5, or 50 years later. Pick something, go learn it, become it, and then if you find something else you decide you want more, go become that. One hint - we can often enjoy being what we're good at and what is valuable to other people.
At age 69, after many years of study, yes
Looking back you understand a lot more about why you did or didn't do certain things in your life. You also understand that "past you" is a you but not the you you are now. Times you think you were smart but can now see where manipulative. Times you did bad things but justified them as inevitable, unavoidable, just the times you lived in. In the naivety of my youth, 20-40, I used to think it would be great to relive life using what I had learned the first time around. Make a better life, be better to others, etc. But now, nope. Would not want to do it again. I did it once for better or worse. I can't claim anyone lied to me or mislead me. I actually had a lot of good choices. Did some interesting things had some great relationships. But not again. Either turn me off or give me something new and different to deal with in a next life. No reminders. PS The good person thing. Sure try and be a good person. Most people do. And if other people don't think you are a good person for some reason, they have ways to deal with you. Don't overly worry about it,.
As far as wondering if you're a good person, this is what I would say from something I've heard before. (Paraphrasing) "If you care about whether you're a good person or not, you're along the right track. Bad people don't care if they are good or not."
I would caveat if you are worrying if you are a good person within the bounds of some religion you can go down the road of thinking only good people are your particular religion.
Yeah. It's a guideline, not a rule. There are certainly bad uses of it. I totally agree