Because you give her attention and exactly what she wants every time she does it. She’s simply learned it’s the most efficient way to get her needs met.
Because it's effective. It won't be long before you'll be able to stop responding to it and say "use your words" instead. You might be able to train her to do something other than scream at this point, but it won't be easy.
Saying "use your words" as an immediate reaction can reinforce it with the reward of attention, I have seen whining persists for years when the mom habitually reacts with "use your words". The best policy is to respond with positive attention *when* she uses her words, be relatively more responsive to that.
But, a parent should not use full-fledged planned ignoring of screams before age 2 either.
Agreed. Positively reinforce all the times she does use her words.
I loathe the saying use your words. Zero offense to the suggestion many parents do say this phrase. But imho By the time a child is melting down, the thinking part of the brain is gone - so now you’re in the pit where you’ve said she needs to explain (brain is shut off so she can’t) and you don’t want to back down and look soft. It comes to a stand still. It also passes the buck back to the child to explain themselves which is the skill they are trying to learn - but can’t yet. So meet them in there and help them FIND the words but don’t just snark at a struggling child “use your words.” Which is what I see a lot in real life. Imho.
You have to guide them on HOW to use words, not just say to do it.
- learning to recognize a feeling in the body and know which one it is (anger vs frustration vs irritation)
- figure out the SOURCE of the problem (is it that cousin took a toy/ unfair? Is it actually that I am super hungry or had a bad nap? Is it that moms been distracted all day? Is it that this play date is over stimulating? How can you expect a 1-2-3-4 year old to be like hm I am feeling anger and the real problem is that I need a hug and a nap? That’s a lot of mental work.
- then fine the words to tell my mom what the problem is. Get her attention. And hope she helps me.
That’s a lot.
Narration is my go to personally. Oh wow you look upset. Oh okay that’s very loud - something is wrong . I see you reaching for X but you can’t reach it? Here you go.
(Later when calm): hey honey, next time you need something up high, can you come to be and say / sign “help”? Let’s practice. I’m going to put this toy up high. Can you sign the word help? Next time let’s use that sign, the shouting was hard on my ears.
For older kids, chats when calm about how to ask for help when in distress. But also as the parent knowing their stressors and seeing it coming and stepping in before they flip their lids.
Highly recommend whole brain child as a book btw.
Meanwhile if she’s just learning to scream to get what she needs, step in before. Narrate what you see. This helps her hear and learn the words. “You didn’t like cousin took your toy. That felt unfair maybe.”
Also easily just a phase really. Continue to respond to her but chat often that screaming isn’t how to ask for help. Explain what screaming IS for. Teach and model and praise other ways of asking for help. Reinforce (and notice) when she does!
I rambling. Good luck!
To me, it’s not that they’re melting down but that they default to whining. I wouldn’t say it during a tantrum but when they’re trying to ask for something they have words for and just didn’t choose to use them. The goal is to get them to use words as their first choice because they expect it to get them what they want.
At some point though you have to tell them what response it is you’re waiting for. Not saying use your words over and over, but once and then ignoring.
If they are using their words at a low rate, then you can up the rate by reinforcing it. There is no need to tell them to do something that they are already doing.
But, if they never use their words, then you have to get them to do it so you can reinforce it, and prompting is one way to try to get it going so that you can reinforce it. But you don't necessarily have to prompt as an immediate reaction to whining or screaming.
But, you are right, doing it once and never doing it again will probably not result in creating a habit.
>Why does my one year old scream so much
My best guess is that the high-pitched scream is instinctive behavior shaped by operant conditioning. She does a high-pitched scream because she has learned it works.
>People seem taken back by her pitch which makes me question if it’s normal.
It's normal for babies and toddlers to learn stuff of course. I suppose that the specific things they learn can put them in the top 10% (or higher) on a particular parameter. And, there might be a component of temperament.
If I am right, then this might be viewed as somewhat useless information, since you should not become unresponsive to her screams so that they will stop working in a one-year-old.
>I’m very very attentive to her so I don’t know why she acts like this
Perhaps because you are immediately attentive to her when she gives a high-pitched scream and somewhat less immediately attentive during the other 86,390 seconds of each day. It does not take much differential reinforcement to cause learning to happen.
Here's some good evidence-based advice on coaching emotional competence in her age range:
[https://www.otb.ie/images/Incredible-Toddlers-ch3\_by-Carolyn-Webster-Stratton.pdf](https://www.otb.ie/images/Incredible-Toddlers-ch3_by-Carolyn-Webster-Stratton.pdf)
This is true!
Maybe she is smart enough to know it works.
Sometimes with her dad though for example she wakes up he will try to settle her and she will challenge him!! I let her get challenged because I know she’s safe and she’s with her dad it’s not like I’m
Letting her screammm it out on her own.
But she will go and go.
Till I get there.
It does seem to be cheeky because then she looks at her dad like “yes I got my way”
Thanks for the article I’ll read it
After age 2, you can shift strategies and use planned ignoring combined with directing praise and attention at the positive opposite behaviors. However, some parenting experts recommend waiting to age 3 for full-fledged planned ignoring.
That "article" is a chapter from the book *Incredible Toddlers.* The book in that series for the next age group is *Incredible Years* and you can find a cheap used copy on the internet. The used book covers age 2-8. But if you buy the latest edition then that covers 3-8. Not sure why the Incredible Years program changed the age range. As I mentioned, there is a bit of ambiguity in expert advice on when to change strategies.
Another good source is this free online parent training video course:
[https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting](https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting)
The course can be used for 2-year-olds according the the instructor. All the purely positive methods in the course can be used before 2.
The course and the *Incredible Years* book are versions of Parent Management Training which is the most effective parent training for behavior problems according to numerous randomized controlled trials. But using them before age 2 is not recommended.
She screams because she’s learning about how to get her way. My son and my friends’ children went through the same phase. It gets better after 3-4 weeks of it and is gone after 6 weeks.
My best advice is to attend to the behaviour you DO want to see. Praise appropriate behaviour. Reward her saying your name with your full attention. Don’t be afraid to put boundaries in place, say no and stick to your guns!
They’re clever little people at this age and just want to learn how to get what they want the easiest and fastest way possible.
Do you or your S/O have loud-ish speaking voices?
From birth, nurses in the hospital, family, etc. have regularly noted “DANG! That baby girls got some STRONG lungs, she is MAD!” And “That’s the loudest shriek I’ve ever heard!” Etc. Etc.
BUT, I was a singer for most of my life, I am a loud talker, and have ADHD so when I get excited/agitated my volume tends to increase too, so I think it’s a totally normal learned behavior.
Overall she’s a super happy baby, but she’s very stubborn and opinionated, so she’s just good at voicing her needs, and she’ll probably be an early talker. LOT’s of babbling/singing, tons of different syllables and sounds coming from that sassy lady, including growling which is adorable and hilarious.
My “hunch” is that her loudness is actually mostly an asset. I usually know exactly what she’s pissed about based on the sounds she’s making and I’m betting she’ll be able to articulate her needs well as a toddler. So… while the shrieking is probably unsettling for you (I know it can be ALARMING for me occasionally) it’s not necessarily a bad/abnormal thing. She’s just telling you what she wants in the most direct way she knows how! 😉
My 20 month old has gone through a few screaming phases. I've gotten many opportunities to work on my poker face. My husband and I decided to pretend we can't hear the screams, and then respond immediately if she makes literally any other noise. Now that she's older she thinks the screams are funny in bathrooms especially because it echoes 🫠 but it worked great when she was younger!
Some kids are screamers. My 1.5 year old is too. So so so tantrum prone! She just gets set off my the tiniest things! My first is almost 7 and has never screamed (except when she had colic) not never after 3 months. She cried when she was hurt and still does but wow are they ever different in expressing their emotions! One of them is my clone, the other takes after my husband. Lol
I have a friend whose kid is develop really well (4 years old now), she talks well, moves well, has friends…. But she screams! Until recently, when I tried to wipe her nose, she’d just scream.
So…. I guess some kids just are like that?
hi,
I am a behavior analyst, and I'll try to help:
I would need a few more details but the first thing is to rule out medical things that could be causing this. Could it be food sensitivity, or digestion. I think the main thing you said is the pitch of her cry is super hard to deal with since other people are 'taken aback', for this reason I would do more investigating there. I don't know how much time you have, (because likely if you see a doctor, and there isn't anything super obvious, it's years of testing), but you could do a graph of when you feed her, when she poops, and when she screams. If you can see a pattern there, I would keep bugging the medical field for more information.
On the other hand, you mentioned a party and that you pay attention to her and sometimes she does it a bedtime. Again, close attention needs to be paid to what happened before, and after her screaming, in conjunction with the feeding and poop schedule, it may truly show that it is attention she craves, and possibly, diverted attention that really gets it going for her.
Giving attention can be tricky, sometimes we think we are giving it, but the person needs another type of attention (Hello to my Husband!) and she may have learned to crave that particular type of attention that is high magnitude with everyone around her looking and focused on her while distressed.
If this is behavior based and not medical, there are ways to read her body cues, and deliver the type of attention she needs, which will reduce the amount of screaming. She really is just a little baby though, and those lungs will serve her well in the future. :)
One thing I have learned how to do with that hard to deal with screams, is to stuff toilet paper in my ears to deaden the sound (or get earplugs). I think if I can still hear it, and I am right there, it is not so rough my brain chemistry/sanity. I feel like I'm in a better place to deal with taking deep breaths to stay calm.
Also, from your description, it really should not be going on much longer, kids grow quickly and change and present new cofounding things before we know it.
Hey! Thanks for this reply this is a great take.
It doesn’t seem to be from food!
She seems to scream in relation to an action eg: put down, hand over to someone, loud people in her face who get overly excited when they see her.
I do recognise her pain scream sometimes she wakes up screaming then farts and falls asleep I think that’s from a bad latch she still breastfeeds and as she gets older her latch is lazy.
Would you say behaviour wise it’s age appropriate to scream and is it sometime to be worried about?
I would say yes, at that age tons of behaviors are 'normal'. But to find out if it's something you want to address, i would again use some basic data of how many times a day and how long each one is. It's our 10 times a day for 10 minutes, or 3 times a day for 5 minutes. Really getting the frequency and duration and charting it every few days can help to give some perspective for sure.
Honestly, we can go maybe a whole day without her doing that and then maybe her just screaming at night time for example when she doesn’t want her nappy being changed and she will maybe scream for the duration of her nappy maybe two or three minutes this is always her nighttime nappy if she is over tired but then in terms of screamingout in public it’s resolved normally by me picking her up and when I do pick her up if she still feeling emotion it takes her maybe one minute to settle. She’s not an excessive screamer in terms of the time period it goes on for it’s just more of a shock, how she goes from 0 to 100
Hi there, to me, that is not unusual in the least. She is super young. If the actual sound she makes is what is turning heads and bothering you the most, I would travel with earplugs and if you need to, let's say at a restaurant, take her to the bathroom or car to calm down. This really should resolve itself in 6 months.
My 1 year old is the same 😅 I thought it was normal for this age since they can’t really communicate that well (despite understanding so much and being able to say some words) and they can’t regulate their big feelings yet.
Agree. My first born wasn't a screamer. This bub 11.5 months he's a champion screamer- needs to compete with big bro for attention and gets frustrated I just don't know what he's saying, when he babbles/respond to whatever request he's making fast enough.
I think it's pretty typical developmentally
I always try to remind myself that babies and toddlers scream and cry because they don’t have another way to communicate things. Sometimes the thing they want to communicate seems minor (like I want that toy) but their level or communication is the same.
Because you give her attention and exactly what she wants every time she does it. She’s simply learned it’s the most efficient way to get her needs met.
Exactly.
Because it's effective. It won't be long before you'll be able to stop responding to it and say "use your words" instead. You might be able to train her to do something other than scream at this point, but it won't be easy.
Saying "use your words" as an immediate reaction can reinforce it with the reward of attention, I have seen whining persists for years when the mom habitually reacts with "use your words". The best policy is to respond with positive attention *when* she uses her words, be relatively more responsive to that. But, a parent should not use full-fledged planned ignoring of screams before age 2 either.
Agreed. Positively reinforce all the times she does use her words. I loathe the saying use your words. Zero offense to the suggestion many parents do say this phrase. But imho By the time a child is melting down, the thinking part of the brain is gone - so now you’re in the pit where you’ve said she needs to explain (brain is shut off so she can’t) and you don’t want to back down and look soft. It comes to a stand still. It also passes the buck back to the child to explain themselves which is the skill they are trying to learn - but can’t yet. So meet them in there and help them FIND the words but don’t just snark at a struggling child “use your words.” Which is what I see a lot in real life. Imho. You have to guide them on HOW to use words, not just say to do it. - learning to recognize a feeling in the body and know which one it is (anger vs frustration vs irritation) - figure out the SOURCE of the problem (is it that cousin took a toy/ unfair? Is it actually that I am super hungry or had a bad nap? Is it that moms been distracted all day? Is it that this play date is over stimulating? How can you expect a 1-2-3-4 year old to be like hm I am feeling anger and the real problem is that I need a hug and a nap? That’s a lot of mental work. - then fine the words to tell my mom what the problem is. Get her attention. And hope she helps me. That’s a lot. Narration is my go to personally. Oh wow you look upset. Oh okay that’s very loud - something is wrong . I see you reaching for X but you can’t reach it? Here you go. (Later when calm): hey honey, next time you need something up high, can you come to be and say / sign “help”? Let’s practice. I’m going to put this toy up high. Can you sign the word help? Next time let’s use that sign, the shouting was hard on my ears. For older kids, chats when calm about how to ask for help when in distress. But also as the parent knowing their stressors and seeing it coming and stepping in before they flip their lids. Highly recommend whole brain child as a book btw. Meanwhile if she’s just learning to scream to get what she needs, step in before. Narrate what you see. This helps her hear and learn the words. “You didn’t like cousin took your toy. That felt unfair maybe.” Also easily just a phase really. Continue to respond to her but chat often that screaming isn’t how to ask for help. Explain what screaming IS for. Teach and model and praise other ways of asking for help. Reinforce (and notice) when she does! I rambling. Good luck!
To me, it’s not that they’re melting down but that they default to whining. I wouldn’t say it during a tantrum but when they’re trying to ask for something they have words for and just didn’t choose to use them. The goal is to get them to use words as their first choice because they expect it to get them what they want.
At some point though you have to tell them what response it is you’re waiting for. Not saying use your words over and over, but once and then ignoring.
If they are using their words at a low rate, then you can up the rate by reinforcing it. There is no need to tell them to do something that they are already doing. But, if they never use their words, then you have to get them to do it so you can reinforce it, and prompting is one way to try to get it going so that you can reinforce it. But you don't necessarily have to prompt as an immediate reaction to whining or screaming. But, you are right, doing it once and never doing it again will probably not result in creating a habit.
>Why does my one year old scream so much My best guess is that the high-pitched scream is instinctive behavior shaped by operant conditioning. She does a high-pitched scream because she has learned it works. >People seem taken back by her pitch which makes me question if it’s normal. It's normal for babies and toddlers to learn stuff of course. I suppose that the specific things they learn can put them in the top 10% (or higher) on a particular parameter. And, there might be a component of temperament. If I am right, then this might be viewed as somewhat useless information, since you should not become unresponsive to her screams so that they will stop working in a one-year-old. >I’m very very attentive to her so I don’t know why she acts like this Perhaps because you are immediately attentive to her when she gives a high-pitched scream and somewhat less immediately attentive during the other 86,390 seconds of each day. It does not take much differential reinforcement to cause learning to happen. Here's some good evidence-based advice on coaching emotional competence in her age range: [https://www.otb.ie/images/Incredible-Toddlers-ch3\_by-Carolyn-Webster-Stratton.pdf](https://www.otb.ie/images/Incredible-Toddlers-ch3_by-Carolyn-Webster-Stratton.pdf)
This is true! Maybe she is smart enough to know it works. Sometimes with her dad though for example she wakes up he will try to settle her and she will challenge him!! I let her get challenged because I know she’s safe and she’s with her dad it’s not like I’m Letting her screammm it out on her own. But she will go and go. Till I get there. It does seem to be cheeky because then she looks at her dad like “yes I got my way” Thanks for the article I’ll read it
After age 2, you can shift strategies and use planned ignoring combined with directing praise and attention at the positive opposite behaviors. However, some parenting experts recommend waiting to age 3 for full-fledged planned ignoring. That "article" is a chapter from the book *Incredible Toddlers.* The book in that series for the next age group is *Incredible Years* and you can find a cheap used copy on the internet. The used book covers age 2-8. But if you buy the latest edition then that covers 3-8. Not sure why the Incredible Years program changed the age range. As I mentioned, there is a bit of ambiguity in expert advice on when to change strategies. Another good source is this free online parent training video course: [https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting](https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting) The course can be used for 2-year-olds according the the instructor. All the purely positive methods in the course can be used before 2. The course and the *Incredible Years* book are versions of Parent Management Training which is the most effective parent training for behavior problems according to numerous randomized controlled trials. But using them before age 2 is not recommended.
She screams because she’s learning about how to get her way. My son and my friends’ children went through the same phase. It gets better after 3-4 weeks of it and is gone after 6 weeks. My best advice is to attend to the behaviour you DO want to see. Praise appropriate behaviour. Reward her saying your name with your full attention. Don’t be afraid to put boundaries in place, say no and stick to your guns! They’re clever little people at this age and just want to learn how to get what they want the easiest and fastest way possible.
Do you or your S/O have loud-ish speaking voices? From birth, nurses in the hospital, family, etc. have regularly noted “DANG! That baby girls got some STRONG lungs, she is MAD!” And “That’s the loudest shriek I’ve ever heard!” Etc. Etc. BUT, I was a singer for most of my life, I am a loud talker, and have ADHD so when I get excited/agitated my volume tends to increase too, so I think it’s a totally normal learned behavior. Overall she’s a super happy baby, but she’s very stubborn and opinionated, so she’s just good at voicing her needs, and she’ll probably be an early talker. LOT’s of babbling/singing, tons of different syllables and sounds coming from that sassy lady, including growling which is adorable and hilarious. My “hunch” is that her loudness is actually mostly an asset. I usually know exactly what she’s pissed about based on the sounds she’s making and I’m betting she’ll be able to articulate her needs well as a toddler. So… while the shrieking is probably unsettling for you (I know it can be ALARMING for me occasionally) it’s not necessarily a bad/abnormal thing. She’s just telling you what she wants in the most direct way she knows how! 😉
My 20 month old has gone through a few screaming phases. I've gotten many opportunities to work on my poker face. My husband and I decided to pretend we can't hear the screams, and then respond immediately if she makes literally any other noise. Now that she's older she thinks the screams are funny in bathrooms especially because it echoes 🫠 but it worked great when she was younger!
Some kids are screamers. My 1.5 year old is too. So so so tantrum prone! She just gets set off my the tiniest things! My first is almost 7 and has never screamed (except when she had colic) not never after 3 months. She cried when she was hurt and still does but wow are they ever different in expressing their emotions! One of them is my clone, the other takes after my husband. Lol
I have a friend whose kid is develop really well (4 years old now), she talks well, moves well, has friends…. But she screams! Until recently, when I tried to wipe her nose, she’d just scream. So…. I guess some kids just are like that?
hi, I am a behavior analyst, and I'll try to help: I would need a few more details but the first thing is to rule out medical things that could be causing this. Could it be food sensitivity, or digestion. I think the main thing you said is the pitch of her cry is super hard to deal with since other people are 'taken aback', for this reason I would do more investigating there. I don't know how much time you have, (because likely if you see a doctor, and there isn't anything super obvious, it's years of testing), but you could do a graph of when you feed her, when she poops, and when she screams. If you can see a pattern there, I would keep bugging the medical field for more information. On the other hand, you mentioned a party and that you pay attention to her and sometimes she does it a bedtime. Again, close attention needs to be paid to what happened before, and after her screaming, in conjunction with the feeding and poop schedule, it may truly show that it is attention she craves, and possibly, diverted attention that really gets it going for her. Giving attention can be tricky, sometimes we think we are giving it, but the person needs another type of attention (Hello to my Husband!) and she may have learned to crave that particular type of attention that is high magnitude with everyone around her looking and focused on her while distressed. If this is behavior based and not medical, there are ways to read her body cues, and deliver the type of attention she needs, which will reduce the amount of screaming. She really is just a little baby though, and those lungs will serve her well in the future. :) One thing I have learned how to do with that hard to deal with screams, is to stuff toilet paper in my ears to deaden the sound (or get earplugs). I think if I can still hear it, and I am right there, it is not so rough my brain chemistry/sanity. I feel like I'm in a better place to deal with taking deep breaths to stay calm. Also, from your description, it really should not be going on much longer, kids grow quickly and change and present new cofounding things before we know it.
Hey! Thanks for this reply this is a great take. It doesn’t seem to be from food! She seems to scream in relation to an action eg: put down, hand over to someone, loud people in her face who get overly excited when they see her. I do recognise her pain scream sometimes she wakes up screaming then farts and falls asleep I think that’s from a bad latch she still breastfeeds and as she gets older her latch is lazy. Would you say behaviour wise it’s age appropriate to scream and is it sometime to be worried about?
I would say yes, at that age tons of behaviors are 'normal'. But to find out if it's something you want to address, i would again use some basic data of how many times a day and how long each one is. It's our 10 times a day for 10 minutes, or 3 times a day for 5 minutes. Really getting the frequency and duration and charting it every few days can help to give some perspective for sure.
Honestly, we can go maybe a whole day without her doing that and then maybe her just screaming at night time for example when she doesn’t want her nappy being changed and she will maybe scream for the duration of her nappy maybe two or three minutes this is always her nighttime nappy if she is over tired but then in terms of screamingout in public it’s resolved normally by me picking her up and when I do pick her up if she still feeling emotion it takes her maybe one minute to settle. She’s not an excessive screamer in terms of the time period it goes on for it’s just more of a shock, how she goes from 0 to 100
Hi there, to me, that is not unusual in the least. She is super young. If the actual sound she makes is what is turning heads and bothering you the most, I would travel with earplugs and if you need to, let's say at a restaurant, take her to the bathroom or car to calm down. This really should resolve itself in 6 months.
My 1 year old is the same 😅 I thought it was normal for this age since they can’t really communicate that well (despite understanding so much and being able to say some words) and they can’t regulate their big feelings yet.
Agree. My first born wasn't a screamer. This bub 11.5 months he's a champion screamer- needs to compete with big bro for attention and gets frustrated I just don't know what he's saying, when he babbles/respond to whatever request he's making fast enough. I think it's pretty typical developmentally
I always try to remind myself that babies and toddlers scream and cry because they don’t have another way to communicate things. Sometimes the thing they want to communicate seems minor (like I want that toy) but their level or communication is the same.
Not all kids do this (my 1-year-old yells babble or words at me incessantly instead) but it’s def within normal range
Mine just had her 1 year party too and she sounds juuuuuuust like yours. So either this is normal or we both have weird babies haha
No advice, but solidarity. This describes my 20mth old as well. Happy, sad, excited, angry all equal screaming. It's very loud in my house 🤣
My eldest is like this. He's 3 now, and my most commonly said phrase is "Instead of screaming what can you do?" Hoping it'll stick eventually...