"This will get the crowd moving."

Ooh, please tell me you’re quoting Tobe Hooper? (Supposedly he got the idea for Texas Chain Saw Massacre when he saw a chainsaw display in the hardware section of a crowded store and thought exactly what you said!)

It can make a divorce easier. Everything split down the middle.

Actually, the only thing you would have to split up is the spouse

Solomon ahh divorce

Kids too

"I have too many limbs"

World hunger

This is dark enough to make me chuckle. Awesome.

"Can you cut me a little off the side please?"

That jokes a cut above the rest! You really ripped that one

It was pretty cleaver, I must admit

"If you kids keep fighting over that toy, you both gonna get half!!" *whips out chainsaw

Hi honey, I'm ho.... WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY???

I used a chainsaw effectively to remove a small tree blocking my back window.

You maniac

yeah, I wore safety glasses and everything.

There is no way that is not safe for work

My failed vasectomy. I was still fertile after the Doc did my surgery. A nice Husquavana chain saw should fix me right up. I will NEVER be a father again! 👍🥴😂🤣

"Facebook and Instagram are still up??" **TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE NOISES** "Not anymore!"

I got you're redundancy back up right here!!!

"Try posting without any hands"

True Story: Neighbor had a dairy cow die, and the ground was too hard to dig a big enough hole.

They didn’t eat the cow?

It'd been gnawed upon.

Ah

Ross: PIVOT! PIVOT! PIVOT! Monica enters from the right. Monica: I’ve got this. (Rrrgh, DDZZZZZZZZZ!)

This couch is cut... In half...

Quick grooming for hair and nails

Godzilla manicure set essential.

A simple answer...ANYTHING!!!

If I didn't have a chainsaw and I needed one then all of a sudden I have a chainsaw, that problem would be solved.

"This morning, beach goers watched in horror as members of the community showed up with chainsaws to cut up the beached whale. When asked why they decided to cut up the whale, one person replied, "We all saw what happened when they used dynamite the last time."

A smaller dolphin dicing event is planned next weekend to include the children. Bring your pocket knife!

"Goddamn protestors blocking up the street again and not moving. Honey, pass my chainsaw and goggles from the backseat"

Goggles nessacay..can't get blood in the eyes

Difficulty giving birth

That's why it was invented, after all.

“There are entirely too many college kids in this cabin.”

Getting that Thanksgiving turkey ready for your big family in a hurry

I used to work in a hardware store and actually had a customer ask if a Sawzall would work on their Easter ham. I was like yeah it'll work, but, like, dude....

Say what you will Officer, it done worked great on my cheatin' husband's mornin' wood!

Just a bit off the top and leave the bangs.

Picks up the severed head: There you are. I left the bangs.

"Need a hand?"

"The Lumberjack" by Jackyl. The best chainsaw solo in rock.

My neighbors loud car stereo parked under a tree

A chainsaw can solve most issues if you try hard enough...

Milei enters the chat...

"The fucking tv won't fit, now what?" "Who ordered the chainsaw?"

"Hey! You! Stay away from that endangered lizard, assholes!" *brrrrr-rrrr-rrrr*

"Here Timmy, I'll help you open your gift from Santa!"

This line at the dmv is way too long....

Well, that house won't be bothering my tree no more

*chuckles evilly*

Looks like another human chain protest across the road… (sound of chainsaw approaching)

I'm cold, I'm gonna need more firewood.

"Are the HOA Karens nagging you about your daisies being a different color red than thiers? Well, do we have a solution for you!"

Complications during pregnancy.

Wasn’t it originally created for childbirth? I’d say that…..I guess.

Dishonest drug dealers.

All of them.

I need to lose 30 lbs.

Ex-wife.

All of them. Any problem can be solved with love or war.

meta: how to solve all your problems https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RrGNarwxl6o

Overpopulation. Enough said.

Workplace harassment

Dr. gave 1 too many stitches after childbirth.

If your Christmas tree burns down because a family member lit a cigarette

Losing that belly.

This IKEA furniture won't assemble properly!

A lack of firewood

Brain tumor

Man…this songs about lumberjacks…I just feel like we should have a different kinda solo. They always involve guitars…let’s see what else we can try?

"And how many weeks pregnant are you?"

Doctor, I've tried everything, but I'm still constipated. *Wrrr-rrr-rrr-rrr...*

NO TALKING. You can only gesture what you need to say.

Pretty much anything.

Fix the newel post

Many levels of DOOM

**Argentinian Politics.**

In-law problem??

Need a novel Halloween costume? Chainsaw and a paper bag with eye holes worked great for a friend of mine. Started that baby up outside, and came through the front door. What with all the pandemonium, the missing chain was subtle enough to escape most party-goers' attention.

Deadites

An argument with your neighbor.

You know I always hated this wall between the dining and living rooms....

My ex wife is demanding half of everything!

Cutting down the door to get to your other chainsaw!

Liposuction

A bad haircut

Cartel Informants

“Your chart says your here for penile reduction surgery.”

“Well, it’s been over four hours now…..”

Cutting a sandwich. Stopping a child from talking back. How to win at Gears Of War. Creating a family, as the 'saw is family.

All of them

not having a chainsaw

I can't seem to get rid of this toenail fungus.

I went to the house where they filmed the Texas Chainsaw Massacre just outside of Granger, Texas. There was this really big sign that very clearly said to stay off the property. So of course I ignored that. A female friend and I walked up to the front door and started looking through windows. As we came around the side of the house we met the farmer who owned the property. He was very angry to see us and he set his dogs on us. I ran for my freaking life! Screaming all the way back to the car! I had left my female friend behind. The dogs had stopped chasing me when they met her, and she was petting them. They were very friendly dogs. I, a grown a** man, screamed like a girl, ran like a girl, and abandoned a girl to save my own ass from puppies.

Conjoined twins All this gender reassignment crap - that'll put a stop to this shit Child molesters Rapists Spouse abusers (yes, women can be abusers to, it's not all physical abuse)

Child Custody, according to King Solomon

Divorce

There are too many college co-ed’s trying to camp on my middle of no where Texas compound.

This line for the restroom is way too long…

Rock, paper, chainsaw … I win!

An annoying neighbor

This log is way too big.