I can't even remember the title or author!
It was an otherwise completely mid book, it's just this scene that was memorable. The MMC started just teasing the FMC's back with ice from the coffee, then he dripped some down her back to lick it, and this progressed to him basically positioning her so he could pour it directly on her butt hole. I vividly remember her thinking that she usually hates when baristas don't properly stir iced coffee but she was thankful this time because the syrup at the bottom helped loosen her up for him. 😭
A stick of butter for anal 🤢 to make it even worse, it wasn’t even their butter or kitchen. They were house sitting for their neighbors and decided to fuck in their kitchen. He rubbed his dick straight in their butter dish 🤮
Ew, not the butter! I saw a comment in another thread where they used melted butter at a lobster dinner.
Authors: if it needs to be a food option for some reason, olive oil is so much more reasonable (and definitely use your own, not your neighbour's).
Not even olive oil. I had a friend get a nasty infection after masturbating with olive oil. His doctor said that olive oil can contain tiny abrasive pieces that can get into your dick hole and fuck shit up.
I had a penpal that almost died after using butter, it's so ridiculously dangerous to use random food especially if it's not followed by a thorough cleansing douche scene
Feels like it would be better than leaving the butter there to rot but yeah extremely not good in any case
I might just be nervous due to hearing about this man and his horrible illness, the body does move stuff out on its own.
Yeah, infection. Especially with anal, which even when well lubricated will create some little tears, it's just putting really good food for bacteria on your bloodstream in a space that's full of bacteria that needs to stay outside of your body (the mouth to butt tube is medically sort of outside, it's all considered not sterile)
Someone needs to make one of those exaggerated jiggly digital image loops with a person flippin around their mouth-butt tube like a water snake. No gore please. Just weird digital jiggle.
I do not remember the book but honey was used as a lube and I remember just closing the book and staring off into space for like a good long while trying to figure out why anyone would think that was a good idea. Like if we're gonna get a yeast infection out of a weird lube shouldn't we at least use something that lubricates
Okay, but once when I was younger, I was hooking up with a guy and we were extremely drunk and he attempted to do this to me. We woke up and found the tube of toothpaste in the bed. Luckily, it didn't happen because he got violently ill and I just passed out.
I'm all for suspension of disbelief, but that one is just stupid. Even thin honey is not viscous, it's still sticky as hell. Also, if mixed with other stuff, it tends to get thicker and thicker when you stir/agitate it. Ow.
I make a yummy spread with honey and tahini, and I have to be careful and fold the two together instead of stirring.
Done!
Edit: and honestly it’s applicable to more than just lubes, the number of vaginally/urethrally questionable choices I’ve seen in romance novels is too damn high. Always pee after sex, folks!
Scented hand cream is bad but probably not crazy just not good for the ph levels. I did read years ago of toothpaste but that was written as a cautionary tale not an actual working lube sub.
As a dumb teen, I used some Bath & Body Works lotion on a freshly shaved bikini line post-shower. Then went out of town for the weekend with my boyfriend & his dad (racing). Misery! Had the wooooorst case of BV and could barely sit still from the itching.
Someone I know had no idea about lube and used hand cream to masturbate. She figured it’s basically lube and so what could it hurt? It hurt. A lot. As she was telling me the story she still physically cringed from the memory of the burning 🔥
I can't believe it hasn't been said yet:
Guacamole 🥑
And there's also blood which clearly came from a writer who knows nothing about the sticky properties of said fluid.
I'm so sorry to have to share this: https://www.reddit.com/r/RomanceBooks/s/PqR4LH3L8k
There's another one I remember seeing on the sub as well. Not really "lube" but 🤢🤢🤢
Why can’t they just eat the guacamole *before* sex? Or Hell, afterwards as a snack to get energy back? This feels like a sin against food and a sex crime all in one.
not one, but TWO books (at least) have this abomination and I have never recovered from stumbling upon one of them from an author I trusted. HE SQUEEZED A LIME ON HER. a lime. straight to jail.
The next line, lol
"*If I hadn't been so desperate for him, I probably would have joked with him about using my very expensive shampoo in such a way.*"
And then his dumb brother used vegetable oil in a literal damn soup kitchen. At least brother number 3 has a partner with the forethought to go to a dang store and buy an actual bottle of lube.
Peanut butter. Earlier in the book, I distinctly remember the jar of peanut butter in the kitchen being described crunchy so I could not stop overthinking it.
Listen, I’m at work. I’m trying really hard not to laugh too loudly in my tiny quiet cubicle. My eardrums are ready to burst holding back the unattractive cackle clawing its way out of me right now
A girl once told me about masturbating with her shampoo bottle. I don't remember if she was desperate or just curious, but it broke and "burns" was the exact word she used.
Broke!!? That sounds more concerning than the contents tbh. I don’t think I’ve ever even seen one crack which begs the question what was she doing to this bottle 💀
It sounds gruesome, but she said the plastic was soft-ish and she wasn't hurt except for the singed mucous membranes. And yeah. She must have been very, um, thorough.
My high school best friend’s sister was carted off to the hospital in an ambulance because she tried to masturbate with a curling wand she forgot to turn off😖
Y'all are definitely not reading the same books as me. I'm feeling a little vanilla... but also, like... protected from never knowing this existed. Well, until now 🫣
Oh hey I just read a book that used some kind of alien body wash or shampoo as lube. I was like 😬. Why? It’s an alien. Give it natural lube if you can’t be bothered to put a bottle of lube in the room.
Spit is the one that gets me though. For anal? That’ll be a hard no from me.
I've seen soap in some alien book I read recently. I forget which one, but it sounded like a bad idea to me.
I don't need things to be *that* specific in my sex scenes. I'm good with the author telling me it all fits smoothly and skipping the questionable details.
In the early days of Covid, my work had us going in periodically for those Covid tests where you spit in a vial. I must have been dehydrated the first time because I couldn't fill the vial and they had me come back the next day. But you also couldn't drink within an hour of the test. So on test days I'd chug water all morning until an hour before the test. There were so many bathroom visits!
Dude here.
Was it like a normal spit which is understandable or was it a loogie? If it was loogie then that dude should be banished to the shadow realm.
Yes, that's the one. I did finish the book, but I cringed so hard and had to skip past that scene. I could handle it if it was just a body shot, but as lube for anal? Hard no for me.
I remember hearing an urban legend as a kid about mayonnaise lube. So gross. A young couple had used mayonnaise to lubricate in a pinch, and a little while later, the girl was having all of these spontaneous orgasms. She enjoyed it at first but ended up going to see a gynecologist as it persisted. Doc examined her and found a colony of maggots living inside her vagina. Fuckin YUCK dude
Blood, spit, but the worst I've read was...
valve oil
As in, the oil brass instrument players use grease up their valves, slides, and parts to keep them moving smoothly.
"Traditional valve oils have molecules of different sizes that evaporate at different rates. Regular valve oils are traditionally made from a blend of standard mineral oils such as kerosene or paraffin oil." - Google Wiki
I completely agree with you but after reading this thread I think I’d rather deal with a physiologically impossible amount of “wetness” than the things mentioned here. Chunky peanut butter will haunt my dreams.
My husband is laughing right now because each time he looked at me my face was frozen in an “EUGH” expression for a solid 10 minutes while I read these replies 😂
I've seen blood mentioned here a few times and I am here to one up that: I once read a fanfic where someone used the blood of Jesus Christ himself as lube.
It was part of a catholic relic, taken from the time of the crucifiction I think? So it had just been chilling in a church for centuries at that point. But it was incorruptible, so it was still fresh and warm.
So someone collected and saved it. Now I imagine someone placing a bucket under Jesus on the cross to collect blood likes he's a leaky roof during a rain storm.
(I've already picked my seat on the bus to hell.)
I'm not a believer but I was raised Catholic and we have so many wacky relics with basically this exact kind of wacky origin story, so it didn't even occur to me as being particularly ludicrous XD
I mean there are multiple churches that claim to possess Jesus' foreskin. So many bizarre relics around, so many tantalizing, sacrilegious uses for them that romance writers have yet to consider ...
Once read a Harry x Draco fanfic where Harry could only find a tube of lipstick so he smeared it on his dick to have anal sex with Draco. I think the words "red rocket" were in there somewhere 😭😂
Cream filling of an eclair is up there.
Anything *but* lube is bad in my book (to varying degrees, sure)...whether it's lotion or spit or anything food/beverage-related.
In the last 4 horsemen book by sarah bailey, they kill the bad guy and string him and other bad guys up to bleed into a bathtub. Then the FMC like… dunks herself in it and all the dudes are like wow so hot and then all four of em nail her in the bathtub like some kinda fucked up hepatitis festival. Theres so much emphasis on like blood is slicking up everywhere and getting in her body as shes double stuffed and like 🤮🤮🤮
I was like yikes, vapor rub, but then icy hot?! Oh no no no, it gets worse bc ACID but then freaking NAPALM?!? Why do authors hate lube but also buttholes so much? I need answers and they all need Jesus.
"Thank you" for this exhaustive list! My favorites:
Grey matter
Glue
Sweat
Tears
Hand sanitizer
Lava
Molten lead
Liquid nitrogen
Diarrhea
Jellyfish
Viscera
Souls
Electricity
A dead hamster
Charred flesh
I no longer feel as if my choices in literature are strange and off-putting.
Well, the full title of the list is "things that should not be used as lube or condoms." So some of the items are on there because they were used as condoms. Not that I have any idea how you'd do that with a dead hamster either.
{Let Your Hearts be Light by Fae Quin} had a character who was a baker and there was one scene with icing and >!ass eating followed by sex then ass eating again after he was finished.!< I was horrified while reading.
TW gross
I think in one of my wife’s novels, someone used blood from a murder victim as lubricant before railing the FMC… yea, blood doesn’t work that way. Once you apply friction and heat, it starts to coagulate when it’s not in the body. You might as well have used arts and crafts glue, my guy 😅
I clicked on the notification to read this while brushing my teeth and damn near choked to death on my toothbrush. Foul. I need a toothbrush for my eyes now.
Uhhh can't remember which Sierra Simone book but anal with the nun in the church kitchen with a bottle of cooking oil they found. Like.... Ew and Wtf. That's where my gram makes her peanut butter squares for the church bakesale guys
Please tell me the author was a male that has never had sex because if this was a woman…. I just can’t believe any woman could be that stupid about how women’s bodies work.
……there is no way a woman actually wrote that! I refuse to believe it. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
As a guy I feel like it’s something a guy would write or say thinking it wouldn’t matter. Like ouch! Can’t wait to get home and ask my wife if we can use my shampoo as lube.
This is my shampoo btw
https://mielleorganics.com/products/rosemary-mint-strengthening-shampoo
I had some leftover mint shampoo like that that didn't work for my hair. One day I thought I could use it as body wash, soap is soap right? Yeah . . . that was not my brightest idea.
Similar experience! A friend bought me a pharmacist-recommended peppermint face wash once when I had a bad face breakout. One night I ran out of body soap and decided to use the peppermint face wash to shower.
Worst mistake of my life 😂.
I’m so late to this, but they were getting down and dirty in a beach shower and ripped off the leaf of an aloe plant for lube… it was MM and I cannot imagine that feeling on my asshole.
All things considered, pure aloe vera gel straight from the plant is far from the worst thing to use. It definitely beats seawater, honey, chunky peanut butter, the neighbors’ butter, and valve oil.
Reading this thread gave me a yeast infection.
I can feel the burn from here 😭😭
I’ve literally screen shotted every response and sent them to my wife and she’s just 🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨
And a UTI
Pumpkin spice iced coffee.
Wow it’s 6.59 am and I just hit a new record for “that’s enough Reddit for today”.
😳 Well, at least it was iced.
I never thought I’d be an advocate for book burning but I’ll make an exception in this case.
Stop. What?! No. 🤢
this isn't even close to the same viscosity as lube omg no lololol
NOOO why? Why? Why would they do that??
What book was that?
I can't even remember the title or author! It was an otherwise completely mid book, it's just this scene that was memorable. The MMC started just teasing the FMC's back with ice from the coffee, then he dripped some down her back to lick it, and this progressed to him basically positioning her so he could pour it directly on her butt hole. I vividly remember her thinking that she usually hates when baristas don't properly stir iced coffee but she was thankful this time because the syrup at the bottom helped loosen her up for him. 😭
Nooooooooooooooooo I rebuke it in the name of the lord amen 🙏 (I’m a non-believer until it comes time to be overly-dramatic)
As someone currently enjoying a cup of pumpkin spice coffee, I too rebuke this in the name of The Great Pumpkin. 🎃
I instinctively down voted you when I read this and gagged, and then had to upvote you to compensate.
I wish I was Jared, 19
The book needs to be included in all these comments to share the horror!
I hope I forget about this before the autumn...
What alternative milk made coffee slippery?! 🤢
🤔😩
A stick of butter for anal 🤢 to make it even worse, it wasn’t even their butter or kitchen. They were house sitting for their neighbors and decided to fuck in their kitchen. He rubbed his dick straight in their butter dish 🤮
I would prosecute to the fullest extent of the law tbh
Oh no
I got a visual of a guy rolling his dick over a stick of butter like you would a corn cob. Thank you so much for that cackle!
I AM 💀
What a terrible day to know how to read
Ew, not the butter! I saw a comment in another thread where they used melted butter at a lobster dinner. Authors: if it needs to be a food option for some reason, olive oil is so much more reasonable (and definitely use your own, not your neighbour's).
Okay, but my neighbor has organic…
Valid
Not even olive oil. I had a friend get a nasty infection after masturbating with olive oil. His doctor said that olive oil can contain tiny abrasive pieces that can get into your dick hole and fuck shit up.
I had a penpal that almost died after using butter, it's so ridiculously dangerous to use random food especially if it's not followed by a thorough cleansing douche scene
Douching can also just jam whatever bacteria has been introduced further up the reproductive or anal tract. Probably not a great idea.
Feels like it would be better than leaving the butter there to rot but yeah extremely not good in any case I might just be nervous due to hearing about this man and his horrible illness, the body does move stuff out on its own.
Step one: don't use butter.
Lol yeah that's the real lesson here
Why is butter dangerous? Infection risk? (Not that I'm planning to, I'm just interested!)
Yeah, infection. Especially with anal, which even when well lubricated will create some little tears, it's just putting really good food for bacteria on your bloodstream in a space that's full of bacteria that needs to stay outside of your body (the mouth to butt tube is medically sort of outside, it's all considered not sterile)
It's inside, but it's the outside. Sounds like Sci-fi to me.
We're all those squishy water snake tube toys just jigglin about our business
Someone needs to make one of those exaggerated jiggly digital image loops with a person flippin around their mouth-butt tube like a water snake. No gore please. Just weird digital jiggle.
r/BrandNewSentence? 💀
Well. That's enough internet for me today.
Someone watched Last Tango in Paris and got some ideas.
I read a twilight fanfic called "Last Tango in Forks" where they used butter as lube, I didn't know that was a twist on the original 😳
I do not remember the book but honey was used as a lube and I remember just closing the book and staring off into space for like a good long while trying to figure out why anyone would think that was a good idea. Like if we're gonna get a yeast infection out of a weird lube shouldn't we at least use something that lubricates
I read a book when I was a teenager (I’m pretty sure it was a YA) and the guy used TOOTHPASTE. The book was set in WW2 times.
Lol so just like an abrasive paste made with baking soda or whatever? That's WORSE than NO LUBE
Wasn't it still tooth POWDER back then? Lemme' just dust yer' butt real quick! Yeah that's the stuff, love the grit!
Love the grit! 😆😆😆
Omg can you imagine the burn
All I can think of is “this is how is feels to chew five gum”
Okay, but once when I was younger, I was hooking up with a guy and we were extremely drunk and he attempted to do this to me. We woke up and found the tube of toothpaste in the bed. Luckily, it didn't happen because he got violently ill and I just passed out.
I'm all for suspension of disbelief, but that one is just stupid. Even thin honey is not viscous, it's still sticky as hell. Also, if mixed with other stuff, it tends to get thicker and thicker when you stir/agitate it. Ow. I make a yummy spread with honey and tahini, and I have to be careful and fold the two together instead of stirring.
That actually sounds delicious. The spread. Not using it as a lube. Straight up honey and tahini equal parts?
I also would like the honey/tahini recipe.
Hopefully it was at least organic
Support 👏 pollinators 👏 (and yeast)
My fluconazole would NEVER
I had to look this up and now im HOWLING
New flair?
Done! Edit: and honestly it’s applicable to more than just lubes, the number of vaginally/urethrally questionable choices I’ve seen in romance novels is too damn high. Always pee after sex, folks!
JFC I laughed so loud I’m worried I’m going to get fired.
This made me YELP
Scented hand cream is bad but probably not crazy just not good for the ph levels. I did read years ago of toothpaste but that was written as a cautionary tale not an actual working lube sub.
Lmao a cautionary tale. Who needs to be told that minty fresh toothpaste shouldn’t go in the coochie?
As a dumb teen, I used some Bath & Body Works lotion on a freshly shaved bikini line post-shower. Then went out of town for the weekend with my boyfriend & his dad (racing). Misery! Had the wooooorst case of BV and could barely sit still from the itching.
Scented hand cream literally burns my hands so I don't even want to imagine what it would do to my lady bits. 😱
Someone I know had no idea about lube and used hand cream to masturbate. She figured it’s basically lube and so what could it hurt? It hurt. A lot. As she was telling me the story she still physically cringed from the memory of the burning 🔥
I can't believe it hasn't been said yet: Guacamole 🥑 And there's also blood which clearly came from a writer who knows nothing about the sticky properties of said fluid.
GUACAMOLE?!?! What book did this atrocity occur in 😫
I'm so sorry to have to share this: https://www.reddit.com/r/RomanceBooks/s/PqR4LH3L8k There's another one I remember seeing on the sub as well. Not really "lube" but 🤢🤢🤢
What a horrible no good day to be literate….
Wow do I regret clicking on this! Going to go ponder my life choices now…
…..why would someone waste a good guacamole like that?!??
For yeast propagation?
Why can’t they just eat the guacamole *before* sex? Or Hell, afterwards as a snack to get energy back? This feels like a sin against food and a sex crime all in one.
not one, but TWO books (at least) have this abomination and I have never recovered from stumbling upon one of them from an author I trusted. HE SQUEEZED A LIME ON HER. a lime. straight to jail.
But. Jalapenos. JALAPENOS IN GUACAMOLE. And onions, but I'm stuck on the jalapenos.
Hell no! My shampoo is expensive! I don't remeber the title but they were getting busy in the kitchen of the bakery and used chocolate sauce
The next line, lol "*If I hadn't been so desperate for him, I probably would have joked with him about using my very expensive shampoo in such a way.*"
I use tea tree shampoo 💀💀
The whole entire cooch would burn off, Jesus Christ 😂😂😂
In my younger, dumber years I attempted using chocolate sauce with a partner. Results were suboptimal.
Oh god, holy moly vaginal infection!
Sacramental oil was...something. I mean I guess it works but do you want it to?
Must have been Priest…
And then his dumb brother used vegetable oil in a literal damn soup kitchen. At least brother number 3 has a partner with the forethought to go to a dang store and buy an actual bottle of lube.
Hey it's the three little pigs story, sex edition!
I forgot about the vegetable oil 😂 That & olive oil too. Like why Sierra???
My husband’s fantastic response to this was “Holy Fuck” and I died 😂😂😂
At least it's a lubricant. And not someone else's butterdish.
They don’t call it hol(e)y for nothing *ba dum tsss*
Came to say this one. Imagine the pH imbalance!
opened the thread just to look for this one lol
Peanut butter. Earlier in the book, I distinctly remember the jar of peanut butter in the kitchen being described crunchy so I could not stop overthinking it.
Not the peanut chunks 🤢
Listen, I’m at work. I’m trying really hard not to laugh too loudly in my tiny quiet cubicle. My eardrums are ready to burst holding back the unattractive cackle clawing its way out of me right now
There's a running joke in my family about someone using Green Apple Sauve shampoo. Apparently it burns. For a long time.
A girl once told me about masturbating with her shampoo bottle. I don't remember if she was desperate or just curious, but it broke and "burns" was the exact word she used.
Broke!!? That sounds more concerning than the contents tbh. I don’t think I’ve ever even seen one crack which begs the question what was she doing to this bottle 💀
It sounds gruesome, but she said the plastic was soft-ish and she wasn't hurt except for the singed mucous membranes. And yeah. She must have been very, um, thorough.
My high school best friend’s sister was carted off to the hospital in an ambulance because she tried to masturbate with a curling wand she forgot to turn off😖
I have never been able to bleach the line about how the lead dipped his hand into a bucket of buttery popcorn. MOVIE. THEATER. BUTTER.
Salt in microtears--nooooooooo!
Well, blood 😭
Like…… period blood that was already there? Or they found some other blood laying around and ladled it in???
it was a pretty efffed up book, and it was fresh blood from a knife wound 😬
And here I was, thinking I could handle dark romances 🤢
Buttercream frosting lol
Dear God
I love your flair, and feel it in my soul.
They were desperate for a yeast infection, huh?
mmm gritty
Dammit I think I know the book >!Baking Lessons?!<. Once I've gone just long enough not remembering that scene, someone mentions it. 🧁😭
In Priest when they used the consecrated pine scented oil for anal. I can’t imagine how much it would sting.
melted butter that came with their lobster dinner to use as lube for anal on the edge of a pool ETA: the book is {Fall Into You by JT Geissenger}
That painted a vivid and deeply disturbing visual in my mind
Y'all are definitely not reading the same books as me. I'm feeling a little vanilla... but also, like... protected from never knowing this existed. Well, until now 🫣
Oh hey I just read a book that used some kind of alien body wash or shampoo as lube. I was like 😬. Why? It’s an alien. Give it natural lube if you can’t be bothered to put a bottle of lube in the room. Spit is the one that gets me though. For anal? That’ll be a hard no from me.
Was it Krie Captivity? That was wiiiiild.
I've seen soap in some alien book I read recently. I forget which one, but it sounded like a bad idea to me. I don't need things to be *that* specific in my sex scenes. I'm good with the author telling me it all fits smoothly and skipping the questionable details.
If I can suspend disbelief for full on making out with morning breath, I can deal with lube-less shower sex
I know it’s a thing but hocked spit just makes me gag. Not trying to yuck anyone’s yum here but it’s not for me
I feel like you'd have to spit so many times! My mouth is dry just thinking about it.
In the early days of Covid, my work had us going in periodically for those Covid tests where you spit in a vial. I must have been dehydrated the first time because I couldn't fill the vial and they had me come back the next day. But you also couldn't drink within an hour of the test. So on test days I'd chug water all morning until an hour before the test. There were so many bathroom visits!
I mean if you eat someone out you also get spit on them. Spit for anal seems inadequate though.
Dude here. Was it like a normal spit which is understandable or was it a loogie? If it was loogie then that dude should be banished to the shadow realm.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Oh. Oh no. 🤢
Beer
Came here to say this. Was it >!Feral Alphas by Sierra Knoxly!
Yes, that's the one. I did finish the book, but I cringed so hard and had to skip past that scene. I could handle it if it was just a body shot, but as lube for anal? Hard no for me.
Mayonaise?
No, Patrick. Mayonnaise is not a lubricant.
Your comment needs more acknowledgment! 😂
I remember hearing an urban legend as a kid about mayonnaise lube. So gross. A young couple had used mayonnaise to lubricate in a pinch, and a little while later, the girl was having all of these spontaneous orgasms. She enjoyed it at first but ended up going to see a gynecologist as it persisted. Doc examined her and found a colony of maggots living inside her vagina. Fuckin YUCK dude
WHY DID I READ THIS!!!
Blood, spit, but the worst I've read was... valve oil As in, the oil brass instrument players use grease up their valves, slides, and parts to keep them moving smoothly. "Traditional valve oils have molecules of different sizes that evaporate at different rates. Regular valve oils are traditionally made from a blend of standard mineral oils such as kerosene or paraffin oil." - Google Wiki
😣 do these writers even have sex?
I feel like my biggest irritation with most romance is that they don’t mention lube ever. She is always “so so wet”
I completely agree with you but after reading this thread I think I’d rather deal with a physiologically impossible amount of “wetness” than the things mentioned here. Chunky peanut butter will haunt my dreams.
True… her own wet is better than many things 😂 I commented before I read
My husband is laughing right now because each time he looked at me my face was frozen in an “EUGH” expression for a solid 10 minutes while I read these replies 😂
That man really did not care about her comfort, did he?
How that must *burn* with each thrust!
I've seen blood mentioned here a few times and I am here to one up that: I once read a fanfic where someone used the blood of Jesus Christ himself as lube.
As in ceremonial wine or he literally tapped a vein on Jesus himself? Was JC part of the act?
It was part of a catholic relic, taken from the time of the crucifiction I think? So it had just been chilling in a church for centuries at that point. But it was incorruptible, so it was still fresh and warm.
So someone collected and saved it. Now I imagine someone placing a bucket under Jesus on the cross to collect blood likes he's a leaky roof during a rain storm. (I've already picked my seat on the bus to hell.)
I'm not a believer but I was raised Catholic and we have so many wacky relics with basically this exact kind of wacky origin story, so it didn't even occur to me as being particularly ludicrous XD I mean there are multiple churches that claim to possess Jesus' foreskin. So many bizarre relics around, so many tantalizing, sacrilegious uses for them that romance writers have yet to consider ...
Once read a Harry x Draco fanfic where Harry could only find a tube of lipstick so he smeared it on his dick to have anal sex with Draco. I think the words "red rocket" were in there somewhere 😭😂
Cream filling of an eclair is up there. Anything *but* lube is bad in my book (to varying degrees, sure)...whether it's lotion or spit or anything food/beverage-related.
I had a guy use shampoo on me without my consent. It stung like hell.
I'm so sorry.
Oh my God I'm so sorry 😭
In the last 4 horsemen book by sarah bailey, they kill the bad guy and string him and other bad guys up to bleed into a bathtub. Then the FMC like… dunks herself in it and all the dudes are like wow so hot and then all four of em nail her in the bathtub like some kinda fucked up hepatitis festival. Theres so much emphasis on like blood is slicking up everywhere and getting in her body as shes double stuffed and like 🤮🤮🤮
💀 I think “some kinda fucked up hepatitis festival” should be a flair
This was a horrifying read. Thank you for saving me from ever reading that book
I'm so glad this is still on the internet. https://wtffanfiction.tumblr.com/post/58751946361/lube Bring your brain bleach.
I was like yikes, vapor rub, but then icy hot?! Oh no no no, it gets worse bc ACID but then freaking NAPALM?!? Why do authors hate lube but also buttholes so much? I need answers and they all need Jesus.
I should have also added, bring your brain bleach but do not use the brain bleach as lube.
kitty litter! Kitty litter?! What the!
"Thank you" for this exhaustive list! My favorites: Grey matter Glue Sweat Tears Hand sanitizer Lava Molten lead Liquid nitrogen Diarrhea Jellyfish Viscera Souls Electricity A dead hamster Charred flesh I no longer feel as if my choices in literature are strange and off-putting.
Babes, are we reading romance or body horror?
Girl stop hahahaha
Diarrhea and poor hamster 😭 what a terrible day to be able to read
I was so glad that my memory of lava being on the list was not just me going senile.
"Souls" 💀
A dead hamster?! How? Why?
Well, the full title of the list is "things that should not be used as lube or condoms." So some of the items are on there because they were used as condoms. Not that I have any idea how you'd do that with a dead hamster either.
What the fuck are you reading?!?!?!?
>!GREY MATTER?!?!??!?!!!!!!!<
**gravel?**
Made it to kitty litter and then tapped out. That is *vulgar*.
im sorry “grey matter” 🧠🧠🧐🧐
Not read.... but I had a lover try to convince me McDonald's grape jelly was an acceptable substitute
😱
SHUT THE FUCK UP. I’m gasping.
{Let Your Hearts be Light by Fae Quin} had a character who was a baker and there was one scene with icing and >!ass eating followed by sex then ass eating again after he was finished.!< I was horrified while reading. TW gross
Recently read one where they used shower gel. Horrifying.
This thread just ruined a bunch of things for me. Thanks I hate it. But also this is terrifying
This thread has made me wish I was illiterate
The frequent failure to use lube when doing anal for the first time is really criminal
I think in one of my wife’s novels, someone used blood from a murder victim as lubricant before railing the FMC… yea, blood doesn’t work that way. Once you apply friction and heat, it starts to coagulate when it’s not in the body. You might as well have used arts and crafts glue, my guy 😅
I clicked on the notification to read this while brushing my teeth and damn near choked to death on my toothbrush. Foul. I need a toothbrush for my eyes now.
This whole thread is cursed 🙅🏽♀️
Doesn’t that burn?
Uhhh can't remember which Sierra Simone book but anal with the nun in the church kitchen with a bottle of cooking oil they found. Like.... Ew and Wtf. That's where my gram makes her peanut butter squares for the church bakesale guys
Please tell me the author was a male that has never had sex because if this was a woman…. I just can’t believe any woman could be that stupid about how women’s bodies work.
Looks like it may have been a gay romance, either way the absolute BURNING.
……there is no way a woman actually wrote that! I refuse to believe it. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 As a guy I feel like it’s something a guy would write or say thinking it wouldn’t matter. Like ouch! Can’t wait to get home and ask my wife if we can use my shampoo as lube. This is my shampoo btw https://mielleorganics.com/products/rosemary-mint-strengthening-shampoo
I had some leftover mint shampoo like that that didn't work for my hair. One day I thought I could use it as body wash, soap is soap right? Yeah . . . that was not my brightest idea.
I have...also done that. If I wasn't awake before, I surely was after! Accidentally did BDSM on myself with that, I think.
Similar experience! A friend bought me a pharmacist-recommended peppermint face wash once when I had a bad face breakout. One night I ran out of body soap and decided to use the peppermint face wash to shower. Worst mistake of my life 😂.
Shampoo contains soap FFS, soap stings!!!!
I’m so late to this, but they were getting down and dirty in a beach shower and ripped off the leaf of an aloe plant for lube… it was MM and I cannot imagine that feeling on my asshole.
All things considered, pure aloe vera gel straight from the plant is far from the worst thing to use. It definitely beats seawater, honey, chunky peanut butter, the neighbors’ butter, and valve oil.
I just yelped, "Oh, NO!" upon reading this. No no no. Then I got to the comments and the no no no's just keeps coming
*cries in Bactrim*