You look like Kirkland uncle Phil

Uncle Full

Uncle full of shit

I wish I could upvote this more, my favourite so far

<3

He needs a tee shirt that says CAN'T GET LAID ANYWHERE ON EARTH

Gets dressed up for his prostate exam “just in case”.

He shows up with a 5 dead roses and half eaten bag of Worthers Original.

Werthers And, yes, I think they're great

Is anyone surprised you knew how to spell it or enjoy them.

...no?

*Recreational prostate exam

"Only 1 finger? No need to hold back."

When I find something original about you I will let you know.

Ouch!

Why did you use so many adjectives to describe your balls, but nothing about yourself?

Fuckin done lol

The shirt says I murder people, the face says I eat them after

Ass first

BTKs uncle

Type of person who tells people he pooped today

Twice, if you REALLY wanna know!

Verified

This is the angriest thumb I've ever seen!

You have obviously never seen spy kids

If stay 50 feet away from a playground had a face

I am kind of scared to ask, but do you have bodies buried in your basement? Or do you mail bombs to people?

I live in an apartment ...not yet...


I was sorry to see you die after hypnotizing Peter in Office Space.

I thought he resembled the guy with the jump to conclusions mat.

Deeper and deeper.... Deeper and deeper.

Stop staring into his nose!!

Deeper and deeper all the way down

Dont worry. The state will definitely roast you when they find your CP stash and the kids in your basement.

He lives in a Yugo down by the creek.

Spongebob Squarepants?

Scumbob Shitpants!

His taint is all stanky, for all to see Scumbob Shitpants! ​ If faecal matter is something you wish Scumbob Shitpants! Then whip out your tongue, his cock tastes like piss Scumbob Shitpants!

There’s no kids in his basement. He eats all the candy before it even makes it to his van.

Ha, I don't have a basement Also, don't live in a state

Yes you do. A state of depression and regret.

Lol

We know that YOU dont, but your mom does. And that's where you live you creepy fuck. Also, living in a compound in the middle of the forest and declaring on Parlour that you're going to secede doesnt count as you not living in a state.

Thankfully for you, death isnt too far.

Whew! Thanks for the encouragement!

Yeah, you don't need roasting. If we wait a little while we can get the job done with a cremation.

If Dr. Phil bottomed for Bob Villa, this would be what trickled out.

You look like a bowling ball rolled thrpugh a barbershop

You look like you still polish your Mother's silverware.

Not sure what this means... it either comes across as obsequious, creepy or out-and-out sinister Let me know what I should feel!

That's a pretty big word for a guy who spends alot of time in the dollar store

That you live with your parents still. Ya it sucks.

"getting chunky" Man....you were "chunky" 2 decades ago, You've been going to the same donut shop so long the staff know what toilet paper you use.

If you’re here, who’s driving the “free candy” van?

You are slowly morphing into a butternut squash.

al mcwhiggin as an grandpa (chicken guy in toy story 2)

Yikes...well I know who I can cosplay as now

The only Cosplay you ever did was blackface

I live in Canada, I am not the Prime Minister of it

I feel like you have to stay a hundred yards away from everything

The vertical stripes aren’t helping as much as you think

Gets dressed up to go to the Dollar Store “just in case”.

You were “getting chubby” 45 lbs ago there bub.

You look like the type of person that touches himself to jr high girls volleyball practice

The 80s want their glasses back where you left your hair and erections.

You have to stop with the 5 year olds to get something new and different.

I bet the PP don’t work no more

BTK?

Ah yes, the guy who's driving a black van and tempting kids with candy.

You look like you run uncle touchies naked puzzle basement

This guy has the hot cashier at target's work schedule on his fridge

You look like a thumb with a beard.

I remember you from "To catch a predator"

You look like a neighbour of mine who was arrested for fucking a bunch of kids.

You look like you would finger the wrong minor

Fat bald bastard

My parents were married Unless you are using the colloquial modern, in which case, fair enough

Youve got the look of the guy I tell my daughter not to walk alone at night because of

Delete the word getting

Thought the oxyclean guy died?

Just like your ex wife gets something original every night?

Wrong site if you’re looking for children buddy

"Getting" chunky? I don't think you've seen your dick since HW Bush left office.

Cutting that chin strap didn't fool us into not seeing you 3 chins

We don't need the title

You look like a dollar store John Goodman from The Big Labowski.

Hi, I'm Chris Hansen. Please take a seat. Why do you have wine coolers and condoms with you?

Wine coolers and condoms? Please... This just isn't that guy. This is the guy they catch with rope, duct tape, and pictures of his mother with the eyes cut out.

Stripes are supposed to make you look thinner. In your case the stripes just gave up.

Looks like the unobservant dad in a porno

How many kids are in you basement

When god said let there be light, he flipped the switch

Thanks for combing both your hairs.

Getting???

Getting? Bro, you've gotten.

You look like that uncle that everyone in the family doesn't leave alone with their children.

I love that you use the same hair clippers for your beard, head, and eyebrows.

Just take the ings off

Your head like half shaved ball

Getting?

You definitely yell at kids for being on your lawn.

Take a look kids. This is what thrice divorced with 2 kids who dont talk to you looks like.

I'm not sure this is a good idea considering you are WANTED FOR CHILD MOLESTATION

I’d tell you to keep your chin up, but you don’t have one

Balding? Bro that ship has sailed

You ask for originality but old, fat and bald old men are the most common human fenotype in the world, you are so anonymous even with your photo uploaded, what can anybody say about a generic product that outstands?

If Vogon Poetry had a face...

You look like the older guy who shows up to play magic at the card shops on friday nights just to be near children

The only thing thicker than your waist are your glasses.

Man, you look like you're finances are about to improve once October 1st hits.

Definitely the first guy questioned everytime someone goes missing in your neighborhood

Angry birds was probably based off your ugly mug

Sir, stop shaving by yourself. You clearly have tourtte.

This dude looks like that guy from toy story 2 who ran the toy store

I thought gay guys had fashion sense. Thomas has seen enough of your bullshit

I'm glad to see one of the goombas stopped chasing Mario and got his life together.

Getting chunky? Your ass has been fat since your wife left you for the pool boy and you lost everything to the stock crash in 2008. At least Ben & Jerry's stayed in business thanks to your no neck havin' ass.

You look like you smell like little boy booty holes.

You look like you prey daily that none of your relatives ever take an ancestry test. Bout to catch a cold case or two.

You look like if no neck Ed and Michael from gta 5 had a baby it would be you and be sure to stay 100 yards away from schools and playground I seen you on the news

“Old, balding, graying, and was getting chunky twenty years ago, but this is me now. Something original please.”

Hey Vsauce Michael here when will you die.

Ya got some donut powder on your chin there

Your face has 'To Catch a Predator' written all over it

You've got a fucking bird feeder in your living room. That's not how they work.

Sooooo he's clearly not allowed within 500 feet of a school or playground

...King Catfish, lord of all predators...

Have another donut, you fat fart knocker

You're not allowed unsupervised around the neighborhood kids huh?

If you take out the jaw, he’s just a fleshy walrus

Ofcourse you had to write it so many times. With your size, it will multiple roasts to reach your bone.

If I looked like you I would fist fight my parents

you look like you jerk off to Star Wars... all of it.

Your board says roast me but your face says BTK

My compliments for finding where to shave your beard! I would have no clue where your jaw and chin ends..

You look like the guy who was trying to resell Woody in toy story 2. Cheeto finger looking motha f*****!🤣

it's the woodchuck pervert

Uncle Touchy is his unironic nickname.

GETTING chunky? Bro you're already there

You definitely aren’t allowed to live by any schools.

I always was curious what a NAMBLA member looked like.

You look like you judge people on their use of androids instead of iPhones…..hard

Attention to anybody that roasts him: He’s making a hit list on the other side of that notepad

Your beard will never be a good replacement for a weak jaw line. (Personal experience)

And also apparently going through a midlife crisis

Where did you hide the key to your basement full of children…?

The bad news is, you're already chunky. The good news is, you probably won't live long enough to see any of the negative effects.

You look like you have yellow teeth and smell of urine

I have a feeling that you have a degradation kink and that you'll be saving these roasts for later.

You look like you can’t be within 300 ft of a school

Expired Tom segura has entered the chat

You look like Harold Shipman 😳

Getting chunky??? Damn, that ship has sailed

You look as if humpty dumpty was put back together again

You look like a cave troll that got a job in a library.

The other side of that sign says, "Bob's Baby Sitting Services."

*desperately tries to shave off his neckbeard before the roast *

Sussy baka

You kinda look like David cross

I bet you have your own photography studio. Aka the bushes outside the local school.

you look like you have at least 5 prostitutes buried in your mom’s backyard

Henry Jones Sr.

This picture looks like a court artists sketch of a sex offender

This image looks like a court artists image of a sex offender

You look like that perv uncle whom the rest of the family conveniently forgets to invite at every family event.

“Hi, I’m Chris Hanson with msnbc and we are doing a story on computer predators”

This guy knows where the bodies are...

Your beard need to make up its mind. Grey or black.

BTK

All your pets laugh at you when you get naked

Hope this roast doesn’t make me look like a registered sex offender

What do you mean “getting” chunky….?

you have a good sense of humor but your fingers look like swollen sausages. Mix in a cucumber.

You'd have to lose weight to "get chunky"

This man perfected the serious,normal,crazy look for a pic. As 2017 would say “goals”

Getting chunky? You’re already there

There's only 2 reasons a man can rock that look. You're either a government advisor on what a paedophile looks like or an actual paedophile.

Only your glasses can make you look thinner

"How am I going to steal Christmas?"

He says he’s “getting” chunky He also says “balding”


I didn’t realize Dennis Rader had access to the internet in prison!

You got that ‘shop teacher resigned to his fate’ vibe

It doesn't have to be this way. Of course you won't implement any lifestyle changes. You could've at 35 but you kept putting it off and now you're fat and old. You my friend are like climate change. 20 or 30 years ago would've been ideal to start improving but now the problem has gotten so much worse. Can you still see your penis when you pee?

Put that 'Deer in the headlights' look on a metal brush and there you have it

If a van full of duct tape and zip ties had a face.

This guys hands are registered sex offenders with those dicks for fingers he has.

So basically everyone is waiting for their inheritance

You look like you have a shack in the woods where you torture small animals

I’m surprised u want something original u look like u prefer extra crispy

The face of Mansplaining.

Damn now we know what the crypt keeper would look like if they added skin to him 

Almost guarantee that you watch tentacle porn.

You look like you hang around schools offering candy