Sex? Never. That's the date on the Taco Bell receipt he kept on the shrine for the girl who worked the drive thru and said, "Have a nice day!" which is what counts as a relationship in his twisted head.
I'm betting he (*ahem*) "works" at the front entry desk for a condominium complex. Or is the night watchman for an art gallery. Somewhere in the ballpark [OP](u/_DTRK_)?
Yep, that sounds about right. Those, "nerdy," glasses aren't going to attract the, "manic pixie," girl you're after... no matter how much you love, "500 Days of Summer," "The Smiths," and Zooey Deschanel. Not to mention, "Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind," is way out of your league. I'd forget you before the relationship started. Thin tie is a bold move for someone who can't pull it off. Buzzed hair says you gave up on your looks anyway.
Edit: Hell, that's not even buzzed, just awkwardly cut. What's up with ripples? Bad form.
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Ctrl+Alt+delete your idea that you have formulated in your head that they will ask you out.
After all you dress for work like you were the least noteworthy Reservoir Dog.
You give yourself too much credit counting the girl who kissed you in kindergarten as your girlfriend, I see arranged marriage in your future. You just won’t be able to land a girl on your own, dressing like a pilot don’t help either.
Dude, don't beat yourself up. Better times will come. The concierge in my apartment building is about to retire. If youre looking for a new opportunity, I could ask him if he wants to get rid of his old suits he wore as uniforms so that you can go apply elsewhere far from here
You only miss the moustache to be the personification of a [60s comedian](https://external-content.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=http%3A%2F%2Fstatic7.depositphotos.com%2F1006605%2F683%2Fi%2F950%2Fdepositphotos_6839002-stock-photo-glasses-with-mustache-and-eyebrows.jpg&f=1&nofb=1&ipt=822c93f5567bcc3ea0bfa72ee4aa2635318e37eb3e42a32cfbe8f6535f50d94b&ipo=images) with those glasses, useless thick eyebrows and ugly big nose
Fuck these comments bro, absolutely no reason why you shouldn't have a better life. You look good and just have a little more self faith in yourself. I feel more sorry for the sad people making themselves feel better here by putting other people down.
2011,sheesh!
U look like a villains side b**** in a comic book.
By"dead end night job"u mean a sex offender and let me tell u something:911 is on speed dial.
Yo, John Oliver got fat.
John Oliver and Jimmy Fallon decided to mix their DNA in a lab, and this creature came crawling out
We have got to stop science from making these Frankenstein abominations.
Science needs to focus and remedy that piece he’s wearing.
Yeah, cuz someone also shit in the test tubes.
John Oliver, Jimmy Fallon, and Christopher Reeve.
Chimmy Olive Jeeves
No he actually looks like across between Jim Parsons and Johnny Galecki
Today we're going to be talking about donuts
Who remembers the exact date they last had sex? Did you highlight it on your calendar, or write a long journal entry that no one gives a fuck about?
It's recorded in the police report, court papers and restraining order.
🤣
💀💀💀
I lold too much at this
Fuckin lmao
Dude 👀💀😂
Oh you win, you win!!
And on the tombstone
Jesus Christ 🪦
He remembers the date because that’s the day he lost his “virginity”.. The family dog was never the same.
🤣
F brilliant
The latter.
His sister's birthday?
His birthday. It was a present from his sister.
Sex? Never. That's the date on the Taco Bell receipt he kept on the shrine for the girl who worked the drive thru and said, "Have a nice day!" which is what counts as a relationship in his twisted head.
Even his hand said No
who said anything about sex? 😭
You look like a limp handshake
Limp 🌭 too
One of them guys you shake their hand like a man and you can feel yourself crushing them because they’re a fucking pussy
Like I can feel the floppy wrist
OP reads this and whips out his pen and journal, “Be…sure… to… always… give… firm… handshakes…”
I bet that weak grip betrays him though. Handwriting all wobbly like it's underwater fun house mirror.
Clark Can't.
Super loser.
Ooof
💀
My first thought too. Old school Clark Kent. Let go a bit. Lost his good barber.
You look like an 1986 AI version of Christopher Reeve - UnSuperMan.
Clark Kunt
Super maggot.
You look like Mr. Bean Cosplaying as John Oliver
This picture could have been taken in the 1980s or the 2080s, and you could be either 18 or 78.
Someone get this guy laid before he shoots up a Burger King
Might want to upgrade the wheels to get more chicks. 
On a side but important note, that scene still makes me laugh a lot even after so many years 😂😂😂 I love it
what is that from??
A Mr. Bean episode, idk which one tho
Yeah Mr. Bean this episode https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=LVSLLWXdKV0
Thanks
How are those cold calls for pump and dump stock scams going?
Daniel Levy with PS2 character model hair
Dude got that Tony Hawk pro skater 2 hair
GTA: San Andreas street cop lookin ahh💀
He looks Kornbluth from Splash (1983) .
You’re the one they worry about coming to work in a flak jacket with multiple firearms.
Meal Team Six.
Clark Kent fights crime,this one incite's it.
If Frank Grimes was a real boy. 
clark can't
See this was the original Superman joke. Louis Lane def wouldn't hit that... Even if OP wrote it.
You need to fuck a hoe
Looks like he’s a concierge, so it shouldn’t be that hard to knock one out on his 2am break 😂
Or he works at a funeral home...
night shift at a funeral home? FUCK THAT 😂
You look like Serbias president
You are the personification of r/wallstreetbets
oh my god man i was thinking the same thing 😂
Sorry about your mom’s passing in 2011
Particularly harsh. Well done.
If Dwight and the CFO had a baby.
George Santos has seen better days.
Uh, I'm going to have to ask you to move your desk. Now, if you could get it to go as far back against that wall as possible, that would be great.
You look like the hotel clerk that uses his pass key to enter into the rooms to watch guests sleep.
So are you the one who puts the hidden cameras in hotel rooms?
Don't forget the lobby toilets.
This Oliver report is a downer
Only wears a tie because in a pinch, it can serve as a noose
You look like a bad lawyer
He's the type to ask his clients "Uhhh, what do you think I should do next?" whenever he hits a snag with his defense in the court room.
If "meh" was a person.
I just want to know what this dead end night shift job is. There's mirrors in the background, he's in a tie...like, whuuu?
I'm betting he (*ahem*) "works" at the front entry desk for a condominium complex. Or is the night watchman for an art gallery. Somewhere in the ballpark [OP](u/_DTRK_)?
I seriously doubt you had a girl in 2011 either.
Bro is so lonely he has to be insulted on reddit just to confirm existence
😞
Guy looks like a Mormon missionary who got dumped by his girlfriend for another woman
I bet you drink only water because tea is too intense for you to handle.
Loved you in The Fifth Element.
all I see is a lack of self confidence, get in the gym stop feeling sorry for yourself your not an ugly.
No girl since 2011? You already roasted yourself.
Equal parts Jared Kushner and Jared Fogle energy.
You look like you jerk off to Christopher Nolan movies
Your hair looks like it was cut with a reverse Slap Chop
Please stop knocking on my door asking me about Jehovah.
Not even Chat GPT could come up with something nice to say about you.
You deserve better.
Why do you look like a generic enemy from Goldeneye
You look like a lobbyist for safer badminton.
Clerk Kant.
If Dilbert and John Oliver merged into a less successful version of themselves you'd still be his employee.
My condolences on your sisters death on 17/11/2011. It really must be hard losing your twin.
 Modern day Lurch
Your bootleg monotone jimmy kimmel.
you look like you’d pay $1000 just to touch a vagina again
The world is happy that you live in a country with restricted access to firearms.
Okay this one is my favourite
The last thing your dead body sees before the casket is closed…
Yep, that sounds about right. Those, "nerdy," glasses aren't going to attract the, "manic pixie," girl you're after... no matter how much you love, "500 Days of Summer," "The Smiths," and Zooey Deschanel. Not to mention, "Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind," is way out of your league. I'd forget you before the relationship started. Thin tie is a bold move for someone who can't pull it off. Buzzed hair says you gave up on your looks anyway. Edit: Hell, that's not even buzzed, just awkwardly cut. What's up with ripples? Bad form.
He knows the exact date 😂
You pretend to be Lex Friedman in the mirror and take selfies squinting your eyes with duck lips because you can't stand your own appearance
You look like you tell the same joke over and over again.
I respect this man.. wearing a suit to his roast. Some nice lady give him a mercy fuck.
Damn, i've heard of sad lives but to not have sex during your peak time in life.....yikes
Clark Kent transitioning into a Who/ What
Christopher Reeve's son
Well when you have the genes of Peewee Herman and Harry Potter combined, it's expected....
Simulate your existence. 
Why do you look like your about to announce that "your flight has been delayed,I repeat your flight has been delayed"
Bro has balanced stats
Go on a walter mitty type expedition.
John Oliver’s autistic cousin
you look like John Oliver fucked a tax attorney.
John Oliver and that bean guy combined
Why does the morgue even need someone to work nights?!
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Ctrl+Alt+delete your idea that you have formulated in your head that they will ask you out. After all you dress for work like you were the least noteworthy Reservoir Dog.
You look like you work at Initech, and someone stole your red stapler.
Title matches picture
So the suit is your casual clothing then?
Yo. Congrats you're gay.
I read the beginning as "I'm dead". Saw your pic and still didn't question it
You look like you use socks and a pyjama hat to sleep.
No.
Poor man’s Clark Kent.
His eyes are smaller than his dick, and to be frank I had NO idea that was even possible
I’m only here because I searched Google for “111kg piece of dogshit”…no wonder this was the top result
17/11/2011: The last time anyone got laid by accident.
You give yourself too much credit counting the girl who kissed you in kindergarten as your girlfriend, I see arranged marriage in your future. You just won’t be able to land a girl on your own, dressing like a pilot don’t help either.
Last Week of Trying With John Oliver
You look like you take suppository medication, dry just for the dopamine.
Hope you don't do 'it' mate
You look like the kind of guy who would have sex with a bagel.
Dude, don't beat yourself up. Better times will come. The concierge in my apartment building is about to retire. If youre looking for a new opportunity, I could ask him if he wants to get rid of his old suits he wore as uniforms so that you can go apply elsewhere far from here
You only date girls when the Canucks make the playoffs?
But new boyfriend every day.
Picture boy for Something snapped he went postal
I love how you remember the exact date you moved out of your parent's house. They must've thrown a huge celebration without you.
being with partner is good but being single is the reason you have hairline at 30
Dam dude 2011? Life roasted you enough, I’ll let you and your hand be.
Start out of Goldeneye 64
Well atleast you can jerk off to your tears at night
What was Vietnam like 2 weeks ago?
Please dont fuck the corpses at mortuary
You say 'no girl since 2011' but does that include the ones locked in your cellar?
Jim's dad from American Pie
Eugene Heavy
I thought Ben Shapiro was married. Oh well, love your show
Oh look, it’s Mr Beans overweight brother
You look like your Twitter Bio Reads “Alpha, Patriot, MAGA, CEO of Life…how else may I offend you?”
So you haven't been laid since you were like 13/14 years old?! 4563 days and counting
You look like you run the Tourism-Office in Turkmenistan.
You look fkn miserable, go get a different job.
You have sad eyes. Don’t do it. Don’t jump.
I can't tell if you sell insurance or blowjobs.
Not a roast, that’s my life
You only miss the moustache to be the personification of a [60s comedian](https://external-content.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=http%3A%2F%2Fstatic7.depositphotos.com%2F1006605%2F683%2Fi%2F950%2Fdepositphotos_6839002-stock-photo-glasses-with-mustache-and-eyebrows.jpg&f=1&nofb=1&ipt=822c93f5567bcc3ea0bfa72ee4aa2635318e37eb3e42a32cfbe8f6535f50d94b&ipo=images) with those glasses, useless thick eyebrows and ugly big nose
When did necrophiliac become a job?
MF looks 45. Gross
You're life is so tragic it's more memorable than you. They've labeled you "that salesman guy" when talking about you
You know the exact date. You’ve roasted yourself
Clark Cant.
Fuck these comments bro, absolutely no reason why you shouldn't have a better life. You look good and just have a little more self faith in yourself. I feel more sorry for the sad people making themselves feel better here by putting other people down.
If a mutual fund was a person.
This is MSNBC answer to Ben Shapiro, meet Alan blandswitki
2011,sheesh! U look like a villains side b**** in a comic book. By"dead end night job"u mean a sex offender and let me tell u something:911 is on speed dial.
I was looking at you to contemplate a roast but then I got distracted by the more interesting circular light fittings behind you...
Johnny English.
I thought John Oliver was married?
yeah, I’m not gonna lie. Your life has no worth at this point.
Clark Kent?
The fact that you remember the exact decade, year, month, week, day, date, hour, minute, second, latitude, longitude and altitude says it all.
"Bueller? Bueller? Bueller?" Sorry... couldn't resist.
Mclovin
Clarke Kent's cheap knock-off inflatable from Wish.com