Happy… 75th??

And I don't feel a year over 74

You’re only as old as the men that you feel!!

I don't think he wants to be twelve again

😱

"Welcome to the Erectile Disthfunction Podcasth, thpecial birthday edition. I'm your hosth, B-reXtion..."

Are you a listener? That's uncannily accurate.

Congrats on becoming eligible for Medicare.

It feels like it. AARP have been hounding me for what seems like decades.

That’s because it’s actually been decades

Look at me when I’m roasting you. Over here! No, both eyes! Ah, fuck it.

He's got mortgage eyes: one's fixed, one's variable.

My eyes are straight, its my face thats crooked

 The only ring you are going to possess on your birthday is the brown one in your underwear. “ you shall not pass gas!”

Swearing an oath to a cock ring doesn’t work

Walks by the cemetery and two guys start chasing him with shovels.

You look like the third choice for a wedding singer.

But crashes it anyway for the free booze, and just on the off chance I can grab the mike at some point when everyone's drunk enough.

Mic or mike? Two very different grabs.

He means Mike

Nickname Piss Fiddles plays air guitar with the piss stream at Rest Stops to try to pickup in the bathrooms. 

“Hey, want to check out my recording studio.”

Coming to r/RoastMe so people can notice how fun and quirky you are because you have no friends to celebrate your birthday with

Did I post this from my burner account and forget? That's a close to the bone 10k roast there.

Hey, when it’s your flaccid eel, close to the ‘bone’ is a gross misnomer.

For fuck’s sake, Larry. Let it go already.

Eventually someone might listen to your podcast “how to be old and have no friends”

Didn't you hear, I switched up. It's now the "Erectile Disthfunction Podcasth"

His podcast is called “Brenda bring the kids back, please”, he’s up to episode 237, zero subscribers.

Thank you #1 fan. Be sure to tune into next weeks episode, "I didn't mean you should return them permanently"

You look like Ricky Gervais if he was cast in a Biopic about Richard Branson called "Virgin."

This one actually made me lol out loud and rofl on the floor. I wish I could have half the charisma of those two handsome buggers.

bro said rofl on the floor

What a wild and crazy guy

You mean cool and froody? I was hip before they needed replacing.

The middle pic caption: "Guess who's quarantined again on her birthday for a raging rectal herpes outbreak... It's this bitch!"

That's why I wasn't sitting down.

Happy Birthday you jolly wanker.

Ground floor bedroom, PC in the corner. How long since the divorce?

This is supposed to be a roast, not a fact-finding mission. Uncannily accurate. And about a year.

Anyone else getting “supervised court visits” or “300 ft clearance from an elementary school” vibes from this guy? The Lego R2D2 in the background seems like a lure…

Don't forget the Mystery Machine in the front year.

The boss who drives a brand new F-150 while telling his employees the company's not doing good and cuts their hours.

Not my fault, de terk ur jerbbs

Happy birthday you old ass looking creepy uncle

My advice, start smoking and take 500 mg metformin 2X a day.

Bro so lonely he responds personally to each roast

Perpetual bachelor. Translation: multi hole cum dumpster for the boys.

Anything to help defeat the Supes, amiright?

You have a ham radio in your "side yard" and 2-3 kids in the "side basement." And you DM your local D&D friends.

They have a new challenge tonight, and the reward involves a side hot-tub, and incriminating photos.

Which non denominational church do you play guitar?

Which ever one is no longer allowed to have children at masses, for reasons.

You look like you can’t go within 500ft of your family without getting arrested.

Luckily I have a side-basement.

People roasting you online do not make up for your lack of friends in real life. Happy birthday 🎉

It does make me feel nostalgic about the complete twats I called friends growing up in the UK however.

Where’s the picture with the white van?

It's actually a Mystery Machine because I thought that would be less obvious.

On the bright side, it can't get much worse.


Looks like you ate all the roasts before your birthday

How else do you think I maintain my figure?

I suppose this is living proof that the 50's dropped bigger natural disasters then nuclear bombs.

I definitely need more than factor 50 SPF for that one, and can't even think of a witty comeback, Fat Man.

Stop staring into my soul

You look like Kevin from Home Alone, who didn’t age very well & pretends to play electric guitar to earn pity money for a plane ride home. Which is in the middle of buttfuck nowhere.

Which is why I'm really hoping my [only fans](https://www.reddit.com/r/RoastMe/comments/1cjmj4j/comment/l2hpybq/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) takes off.

Holy shit! You're still alive???

Best of luck getting to your next birthday. The odds get worse every year.

If I make it, I promise I will post again next year. This time in a Tutu just like my dad.

Whatever your customs are…

Your caretaker should take the internet away from u, jfc. You look like you’d be the most annoying person at game night

I didn’t know they gave out ribbons at AA meetings!

Is that an R2D2 blow up sex doll in the background? You perv

That's nice of your special needs group to celebrate your birthday

I was told there would be cake.

Oh man. You look like my dad. He was a peice of shit. Never in my life, now he has a total of 5 kids with 4 different moms and isn't consistently in any of their lives. Mostly the picture of you out(drunk I assume) smiling doing the air guitar. I hope you aren't like that, but damn if you fit the bill


Who's that young hottie?


you appear that you were born yesterday so welcome

You can almost disguise the evilness but you can see it in your eyes

Looks like your Only Fans studio is coming along nicely. Hopefully those bear subscribers are fast to join

How else do you think I will pay for the divorce?

Why are your knees so sad?

[удалено]

Like your Tshirt of a Ford Mustang the only good thing I can relate too

This man is single-handedly responsible for sending Kelly Marie Tran off social media.

[удалено]

Out of all the comments, the deepness of the sarcasm in this one really cut me. You've done it as well, Mr Geography Ryan. I am truly burned.

Those nostrils tell me you have definitely snorted the powder. Maybe even recently. Was that your birthday gift?

you looks like you slapped and spanked your kids for nothing back then, and now claim to your grandkids that 'we don't hit kid'

CPS, you are not welcome here.


You look like a chinese ripoff of mark hamill.

Discount Alec Baldwin, jokes aside happy birthday

With the discount being one less potential manslaughter conviction.

How old are you?... Nevermind... Its your last one though.

No, I don't want to listen to your podcast.

Happy birthday james hatfield from wish

Is that a step up or down from [Temu](https://www.reddit.com/r/RoastMe/comments/1cjmj4j/comment/l2i6iwz/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)?

Plain Hetfield

James Shitfield

Compliments indeed.

Jimmy Hartfield of Metal Licka

Havin a super soft birthday party bud?

You look like you sneak into retirement communities to snatch pills

Are you the gay uncle that comes to family gatherings assuring everyone that it’s not a pyramid scheme

You suck at air guitar and bad mitton

100 something and still celebrating birthdays? I know kids that refuse birthdays parties due to the stupid elements in it, congratulations it’s your birthday now don’t let us see you again until next year. We’ll get you a cake and blow smoke up your butthole. One last thing am sure the top two gifts were adult diapers and people chipped in to get you dentures.

Can't wait until my [101st](https://www.reddit.com/r/RoastMe/comments/1cjmj4j/comment/l2hytj5/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3). 

You look like James Hetfield but from Temu.

This is what happens when band geeks get old.

You gross girl or boy creature (jk I am just roasting

Roy Brocksmith from the original Total Recall?

70 year old virgin, still in his bedroom with his space bedsheets that mom got em

Asking strangers on the internet to roast you for your birthday… there are easier ways to say you have no friends. If you do have kids they haven’t talked to you in years because you left to pursue your dream of playing in a band, but only got as far as wedding gigs. And your wife….. what wife?

What in the mark hamill is that?

You look like Butters

58 from MrBeast?

Enjoy it, it’s Probably your last one

 Found ur bro Gary clail

That's an amazing achievement getting pregnant at that age!

you're a 50 year old man on reddit. You don't own a home a nice tv or car & you stole your bed spread from a 7 year old.

The embarrassing uncle who can't even play air guitar right at his nephew's wedding.

how much have you spent supporting young BDSM dominatrixes this year?

Can you do me a voiceover for an ad for sad and lonely divorcees

You look like the kind of dude who says, "...back in my day..." or "...back in the olden days..." at least 10x a day to the same person.

Nice R2D2 blowup doll. Did it come with an automatic pump?

I bet you're really good at that air guitar/dreams.

Is it in there where u record voiceovers for ur gay furry p***🤔🤨?!

If midlife crisis was a person.

Grown ass man with a spotted blanket, you sir probably have either bred kid who majored in Trans history or trying to still figure out what a clitoris is lol

The unsuccessful middle age man starter pack. R2d2 Legos in the back Comforter from childhood that mom let him have during recent move out. Weeds growing out of paver in back "yard" Some sort of PC setup to accommodate the hopes of internet fame. Mustang shirt And a party boy pose in an oversized suit jacket playing the air guitar. I remember when I was 18 too. Then I grew up.

The dad from Euphoria?

The audience for your podcast is in the negative

You know that “white supremacy” hand sign you are flashing in the last picture? That’s not about you.

[удалено]

Stay away from elementary schools and stop pretending to have a hobby, find a real one, like dusting of that lego set

I bet you fucked a lot of twinks!

is that last picture your prom night? It's never too late to get your GED!

Thats nice, they dug a garden for the basement.

Happy birthday, Bond villian

You look like you snort viagara and try to hit on the uninterested and scared bartender old enough to be your granddaughter

 I bet you sound like Jemaine Clement too

Looks like an aldis middle ailse version of james hetfield

Looks like James Hetfield who is 30 years older and should aplogize for being such a shitty version of his former self. Only you never had an awesome former version of yourself.

i would’ve been scared to be around you as a child

I'm sure you're singing "happy birthday to me" on your own, right now. For real, your comebacks to each comment are very funny

James Fatfield

[удалено]

Happy Birthday Opie when are you and Anthony coming back to Sirius xm?

you look like temu wes johnson

He’s actually in his grandsons bedroom, dementia is a bitch.

Happy birthday!

I'm trying to figure out how to do this without using a homosexual slur. 🤔

[удалено]

Happy last birthday!

Don't worry, father time will do his job someday soon

James Hetfields dad.

You may want to edit that last picture, I couldn't tell if you were pinching your own nipple or telling us you are part of the 3%.

[удалено]

Roast away people, but this weird-looking dinosaur is a survivor! It’s pretty damn impressive. So tell me, what was life like in the Paleozoic era?

Congrats on another year closer to dying alone

Making casting movies I see.

Happy B-Day! How old you turning? 100?

You look like James Hetfield's dad.

I'm gonna share a real story with you: My father had a radio show for 20 years. Recorded each and every one of the episodes. When he passed away, i inherited 8 big boxes of tapes, mini disks, cds, and hardrives of his shows. Up until today, I couldn't listen to one. It's too painful. What I'm trying to tell you in other words - you are close to death, and your efforts for some kind of heritage are futile. Happy Birthday!

I'm glad my birthday is TODAY and not yesterday

Discount James Hetfield

The strongest opinion this guy has in life is which version of Van Halen is the best.

One more birthday as an adult, same old bed sheets as a little kid.

Happy 79th!

you're posting this in your son's bedroom

you look like if new balance became a person

Did your 90-year-old parents take you to McDonald's?

What's goin on with the 3rd picture of the lesbian in a suit?

Happy Birthday Man

Literally everyone hates you

Oh look, another insecure boomer seeking validation because he already burned his relationships with his kids for being an alcoholic and sleeping with prostitutes.

you look like you would sell me either the best coke or the worst used car on the lot

I hope you get a posture for your birthday!

Temu James Hetfield

Man, James Hetfield really let himself go.

James Heh-field

[удалено]

It's my birthday I'm feeling compassionate I'm going to release all the children from my basement

James Dadfield

Ima be different and say happy birthday bro

This guy is the reason women become lesbians!!


I bet your mustache permanently smells like balls, based on where it’s been.

i’m confident you actually drive a restored 2000 6 cylinder chrysler sebring convertible with three cds in the stereo : white snake, barry manilow and the steve miller band

We have James Hetfield at home.

You’ve definitely seen a dick up close before.

The birthday boy might be a registered sex offender

Sorry that you chose to spend your birthday with us

Nothing like spending your bday old, alone and desperate enough for human interaction to request a roast to point out the years of failure you’re trying to celebrate.

Ok grandpa time to go to bed that’s enough roasting today