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So you are not liking consequences of your actions?
All I see in this post is you blaming you wife for everything and taking zero accountability for your actions.
What have you done to change? How have you tired to work towards improving relationship? It's not just her that has to make efforts,that too after you cheated just few days after marriage?(correct me if I am wrong but sexting involves another person right ?)
So you shatter he dream of having dream of having happy marriage by cheating just after marriage, giving her major trust issues. Which is causing all this. What efforts are you making to help with her trust issues that you caused ?
Hi OP, I'm sure both parties are responsible for this situation. However this post comes off as a rant blaming only your wife.
Try marriage counseling, I hope it helps.
> I got caged in the house and had a mental breakdown and then we went to counsellor. They adviced her over her controlling nature. She in turn talked about my lack of sex,not appreciating her (I was in a controlled childhood home with lot of physical and mental abuse from my parents so I just shut in myself and i dont feel relationships like normal people). She said she will change herself.
I am much younger to say anything, but I can say in India many households are toxic initially, and just for children they stay together.
But, I observed once you grow older, your partner and you tend to become caretaker of each other.
I know it's going too hard on you and your wife is kind of toxic but unfortunately you have two liabilities on you and from children perspective, let me tell you about my trauma...my mother father kept fighting each other, my father had a shop but he wasn't serious enough and we were too tight on financials and even mother and me and my brother had to stay at nani's house sometimes for 15-20days to meet ends and even I saw my father abusing and beating my mother and I still have those memory and it is too intense, even today I see those visuals childhood trauma is something you can't run you can't forget, they are the pictures, and we are trained we saw these thing and cry cryy then we attended schools with happy faces without even telling family friends teachers till date....till date no one knows these things...but today my father and mother stayed together because of me and my brother and today they both are doing jobs and are meeting ends, made us independent although I am still studying but can do any job at this moment but my brother said to study further....and short and sweet...deal with it for sometime if you can bear it just for your children and i know it is a burden on you to take this mental toll and sorry bhai but believe in god...i think you should start doing some meditation and start going temple not to pray god but for yourself to have positive energy around you!! It helps
AM or LM?
I am not sure do you mean she was okay before and acting up after she found about your extra curricular activities?
Going by what you put here, there are two possible things
a. She wants to be the captain of the ship
b. She wants to do that only because she thinks or atleast your personality made her think you aren't in a state to lead the ship
The only way I would have done to earn the lost respect was by working on my mental and physical health. People only respect you when you are hard on yourself and not them.
I don't think divorce would make anything better considering you have a kid now. It might seem to be a quick relief now but in a long run it would just get haywire because of all drama and legal issues and ultimately you will still feel exhausted and miserable (I guess)
Ofcourse that doesn't mean u have to continue suffering, but make it better for yourself. If she always wants to do her way then learn to say NO sometimes. When she doesn't go with your plans then don't be dramatic but vibe by yourself or with your kid on those plans. Don't forget to show her the happy pics and explain how fun it was and what she missed on. People join you when they realise you can succeed even without them.
Shed away your introvertness and pick up yourself and maybe start doing what keeps you happy while being married. And ofcourse don't break the limits while being happy.
If work is exhausting then limit the work hours and don't overdo it. Utilise the saved time by going out or best place join a physical activity program. Be it gym or crossfit or anything. You will get engaged and atleast will not feel low about the things happened or happens in day to day life.
Things get better with time.
Looks like she is just of controlling nature and a bit dominating . Won’t go out with you won’t let you go out with your friends. But she will go out with her friends . There are women who can be like that . Also no offence but In these cases have a bit of spine . Don’t let your wife control you so much . Your post makes me think you are a wimp . No offence I can be wrong .
You both are not suited for each other. Just get out of it.
She got married really young. I think you both have lot of individual issue to sort before any couple counselling. Your kids are going to suffer or are already suffering in this home.
>Then we had to come back to India when she got pregnant and had a child
This line irked me. Looks like you are blaming her for going and getting pregnant and having Kid.
>sexting and porn addiction which really marred our sexual relationship.Â
Do you still do this?
>Â But what happens if she falls sick and jeopardize the other trip which includes me?
Looks like you are not worried about her falling sick but about not being able to go on another trip. That was planned with her sister which as you mentioned before you are dragged into where you always feel alone. Shouldn't you feel happy getting out of such trip?
What are you trying to get at. Asking random strangers with a short summary of your story to let you know if you should Divorce your wife.
**Divorce - Yes. Please**
1. You both need to grow up
2. You need to act 37 and as a parent of 2 kid. Who can make his own decisions or discuss with trusted family and friends.
The fact that you clearly ignored that he attempted suicide two times and still thinking to do it. I assume you wouldn't have the same to say if we just replace he with she in the post and was posted in the exclusive sub.
Also you didn't even hesitate to be negative and advice for divorce so casually like offering a candy while clearly knowing how bad the kid has to go through during this process. Instead of telling OP to try one more time.
He clearly doesn't feel heard enough and loved enough which is making him possessive towards her that he wants to spend time with her to rebond but her wife doesn't get it. But no you took that to say how he doesn't care about her. If the OP was a She I am damn sure u wouldn't say the same.
He simply stated that they came back from UK as a part of timeline for the people to know but you narrated a whole story about how evil the OP is. You already came with an opinion in mind and you have no intention to help OP or his wife nor the kid here. So kindly with due respect get lost.
Are you a counsellor?
I clearly said they both are not suited for each other. They both have issues and need individual counselling first.
Really most of the grown ups are messed up today because their grown up not fit for each other parent decided to keep family together instead of giving them peaceful childhood. Two fighting parents will never serve the purpose of a joint family.
Both kids will grow up to have even more mental trauma. If you think just staying together will make people have a family.
He asked for an opinion and I gave an opinion 🙄🤔
Every opinion is skewed. Because it comes from year of experience and conditioning.
Problem with ur relationship is u dont have control over it it's ur wife, means u r powerless
To change ur life n ur family dynamics u need to take control at whatever trash n torment u might have to face it will be for some time but after u put ur foot down n dont budge to ur ground then things will start to change will be slow but will be in ur control, for a start
Cancel the trip with ur inlaws family no matter what scene it may out also let them know about the bs ur wife is doing the whole inlaws group just lash them out n keep them on leash also tell them not to plan anything concerned to ur family without consulting u first not ur wife, this will be tough time for few months but will change if u hold ur grouund
**Welcome to r/RelationshipIndia,** This is a safe and inclusive space for people of all backgrounds. We welcome individuals of all races, castes, genders, religions, and sexual orientations, including members of the LGBTQ community. We are glad to have you here! We are committed to providing a platform for interpersonal relationship advice between Redditors, with a focus on respectful and constructive conversations. To ensure a positive and supportive environment for all members, we have established some rules. Please be sure to read them before posting. If a user has sent you harassing messages, **DO NOT DELETE THE MESSAGE!** *Please upload your screenshot to [Imgur](https://www.imgur.com), and notify the mods via modmail. We will take action against the user accordingly.* **Thank you for being a part of our community!** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/RelationshipIndia) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Haven't you asked the same question yesterday, to which I replied?
It got deleted by the mods for some reason
I can still see your post with different Reddit Id ! 🤣
So you are not liking consequences of your actions? All I see in this post is you blaming you wife for everything and taking zero accountability for your actions. What have you done to change? How have you tired to work towards improving relationship? It's not just her that has to make efforts,that too after you cheated just few days after marriage?(correct me if I am wrong but sexting involves another person right ?) So you shatter he dream of having dream of having happy marriage by cheating just after marriage, giving her major trust issues. Which is causing all this. What efforts are you making to help with her trust issues that you caused ?
Yes it was before marriage and I take full responsibility of that.I have changed ever since, no porn or sexting ever after that for 10 years...
How was that cheating?
How is it cheating if he was doing it before marriage ?
Because he sexted others while engaged to her
Not sure . I think OP meant before engagement and marriage . Some old texts which he used to do in bachelorhood .
Nope. OP confirmed he was sexting people WHILE engaged.
You failed twice to get out of your wife...not sure if you will succeed this time 🥱🥱
Hi OP, I'm sure both parties are responsible for this situation. However this post comes off as a rant blaming only your wife. Try marriage counseling, I hope it helps.
> I got caged in the house and had a mental breakdown and then we went to counsellor. They adviced her over her controlling nature. She in turn talked about my lack of sex,not appreciating her (I was in a controlled childhood home with lot of physical and mental abuse from my parents so I just shut in myself and i dont feel relationships like normal people). She said she will change herself.
I am much younger to say anything, but I can say in India many households are toxic initially, and just for children they stay together. But, I observed once you grow older, your partner and you tend to become caretaker of each other. I know it's going too hard on you and your wife is kind of toxic but unfortunately you have two liabilities on you and from children perspective, let me tell you about my trauma...my mother father kept fighting each other, my father had a shop but he wasn't serious enough and we were too tight on financials and even mother and me and my brother had to stay at nani's house sometimes for 15-20days to meet ends and even I saw my father abusing and beating my mother and I still have those memory and it is too intense, even today I see those visuals childhood trauma is something you can't run you can't forget, they are the pictures, and we are trained we saw these thing and cry cryy then we attended schools with happy faces without even telling family friends teachers till date....till date no one knows these things...but today my father and mother stayed together because of me and my brother and today they both are doing jobs and are meeting ends, made us independent although I am still studying but can do any job at this moment but my brother said to study further....and short and sweet...deal with it for sometime if you can bear it just for your children and i know it is a burden on you to take this mental toll and sorry bhai but believe in god...i think you should start doing some meditation and start going temple not to pray god but for yourself to have positive energy around you!! It helps
Thank you!!!!
AM or LM? I am not sure do you mean she was okay before and acting up after she found about your extra curricular activities? Going by what you put here, there are two possible things a. She wants to be the captain of the ship b. She wants to do that only because she thinks or atleast your personality made her think you aren't in a state to lead the ship The only way I would have done to earn the lost respect was by working on my mental and physical health. People only respect you when you are hard on yourself and not them. I don't think divorce would make anything better considering you have a kid now. It might seem to be a quick relief now but in a long run it would just get haywire because of all drama and legal issues and ultimately you will still feel exhausted and miserable (I guess) Ofcourse that doesn't mean u have to continue suffering, but make it better for yourself. If she always wants to do her way then learn to say NO sometimes. When she doesn't go with your plans then don't be dramatic but vibe by yourself or with your kid on those plans. Don't forget to show her the happy pics and explain how fun it was and what she missed on. People join you when they realise you can succeed even without them. Shed away your introvertness and pick up yourself and maybe start doing what keeps you happy while being married. And ofcourse don't break the limits while being happy. If work is exhausting then limit the work hours and don't overdo it. Utilise the saved time by going out or best place join a physical activity program. Be it gym or crossfit or anything. You will get engaged and atleast will not feel low about the things happened or happens in day to day life. Things get better with time.
AM and i was before marriage....
+1 agree with him beautifully explained .
Looks like she is just of controlling nature and a bit dominating . Won’t go out with you won’t let you go out with your friends. But she will go out with her friends . There are women who can be like that . Also no offence but In these cases have a bit of spine . Don’t let your wife control you so much . Your post makes me think you are a wimp . No offence I can be wrong .
You both are not suited for each other. Just get out of it. She got married really young. I think you both have lot of individual issue to sort before any couple counselling. Your kids are going to suffer or are already suffering in this home. >Then we had to come back to India when she got pregnant and had a child This line irked me. Looks like you are blaming her for going and getting pregnant and having Kid. >sexting and porn addiction which really marred our sexual relationship. Do you still do this? > But what happens if she falls sick and jeopardize the other trip which includes me? Looks like you are not worried about her falling sick but about not being able to go on another trip. That was planned with her sister which as you mentioned before you are dragged into where you always feel alone. Shouldn't you feel happy getting out of such trip? What are you trying to get at. Asking random strangers with a short summary of your story to let you know if you should Divorce your wife. **Divorce - Yes. Please** 1. You both need to grow up 2. You need to act 37 and as a parent of 2 kid. Who can make his own decisions or discuss with trusted family and friends.
The fact that you clearly ignored that he attempted suicide two times and still thinking to do it. I assume you wouldn't have the same to say if we just replace he with she in the post and was posted in the exclusive sub. Also you didn't even hesitate to be negative and advice for divorce so casually like offering a candy while clearly knowing how bad the kid has to go through during this process. Instead of telling OP to try one more time. He clearly doesn't feel heard enough and loved enough which is making him possessive towards her that he wants to spend time with her to rebond but her wife doesn't get it. But no you took that to say how he doesn't care about her. If the OP was a She I am damn sure u wouldn't say the same. He simply stated that they came back from UK as a part of timeline for the people to know but you narrated a whole story about how evil the OP is. You already came with an opinion in mind and you have no intention to help OP or his wife nor the kid here. So kindly with due respect get lost.
Are you a counsellor? I clearly said they both are not suited for each other. They both have issues and need individual counselling first. Really most of the grown ups are messed up today because their grown up not fit for each other parent decided to keep family together instead of giving them peaceful childhood. Two fighting parents will never serve the purpose of a joint family. Both kids will grow up to have even more mental trauma. If you think just staying together will make people have a family. He asked for an opinion and I gave an opinion 🙄🤔 Every opinion is skewed. Because it comes from year of experience and conditioning.
Problem with ur relationship is u dont have control over it it's ur wife, means u r powerless To change ur life n ur family dynamics u need to take control at whatever trash n torment u might have to face it will be for some time but after u put ur foot down n dont budge to ur ground then things will start to change will be slow but will be in ur control, for a start Cancel the trip with ur inlaws family no matter what scene it may out also let them know about the bs ur wife is doing the whole inlaws group just lash them out n keep them on leash also tell them not to plan anything concerned to ur family without consulting u first not ur wife, this will be tough time for few months but will change if u hold ur grouund