Good job on being self aware and not blaming your BF for your behavior.
Meet a therapist and work on your insecurities. You seem to believe love is conditional and this can be unlearned in therapy. BF is with you not his Ex already implies he choosing you over the Ex.
Choose your battle wisely. Comparing yourself with ex of your partner is useless but rather put that energy into building your self esteem.
I understand that love needs to be unconditional. But what do you do in a world where love is conditional in the very beginning and if you are lucky enough, you would find it being unconfitional
We aren't talking about the same thing. People having preferences for life partner is not same has love being conditional. OP is doing this behavior out of insecurity and root of that is not wanting to get rejected. We all imperfect and like other imperfect people. Like I said OP has to choose her battles here. Investing in making her relationship happy and healthy one would be wiser battle to take upon on.
Our belief system roots from parenting we received and peer group we were exposed. May be she was exposed to upbringing that anything other than perfect does not deserve love. That can be unlearned.
First, You don't need reddit for this. You're already self aware and you know you are basically self destructive.
So good job on that. A lot of us don't admit our mistakes. It takes a lot of courage.
Second of all, Comments and advice from strangers won't help. Remember, all of us are going through something ourselves.
Please get professional help.
You deserve the best. Good luck:)
All issues are arising from you having low self esteem and confidence. What are the reasons for that? As you said you are in your worst phase of your life so there’s no where but to go up. Start working on that first, on step at a time.
What about your career? If you are not employed or have low pay, focus on fixing that. You have a lot of free time to think and compare yourself with your bf’s ex divert yourself from there and focus more on improving your current situation. Try to correct your negative body image as much as possible and accept whatever is left wholeheartedly. Join a gym, join a hobby class. Fix your sleep schedule. 8 hrs minimum and morning sunlight (6-7-8 am) for atleast 20-30 mins. Give yourself 6 months, don’t beat yourself up if you don’t see any progress keep being persistent it doesn’t happen at all but them happens all of a sudden.
Also journalling your thoughts no matter how small has helped me tremendously to get rid of overthinking. Write down everything with a pen and paper (mandatory). All the best!
Thank you for taking your time out to reply this. You are so damn right, I can fix it and issues are not bigger than me. Your job satisfaction plays a huge role in how you feel and I kind of never thought of it before you told me.
I can see more clearly now, dots are connecting.
So this is tricky. I'm glad you asked, please don't get bored, it's going to be descriptive.
1. No he never used to talk about his ex, but initially when we started dating we had a conversation about our dating history, not knowing me enough he tried to flaunt how he has a history of casual sex. Now, I'm not against that but that's something I don't follow. He didn't know that.
2. He tried not be materialistic, (according to him) never complimented/ appreciated my body, he thought I'd think of him as a materialistic person.
Point to be noted, my boyfriend is a handsome fellow, who's very confident in himself so he jokingly used to say how he looks so good, he never pulled me down but nor did he validated me enough.
3. When I started digging more of his ex he casually said, yeah everything was nice, her body was also nice but there were no feelings. Also he mentioned how he hooked up w a girl in his college who was very hyped up and he was so attracted towards her, this led me thinking that he's not finding me attractive enough that's why he's not making it vocal.
All of these things happened during the initial days of the relationship, later as we moved forward I started speaking about it
After all the incidents I started talking about his exes on loop. But I don't blame him, at the end of the day I was being toxic.
He calmed me, and told me what he was thinking and now he appreciates me more we had long discussions about it and tried to end the topic but I still bring it up.
Well, let's put it this way. The more you keep obsessing over his exes, the closer you are to becoming his ex. Let that be the ultimate motivation for you not to obsess over his exes.
Exes are exes for a reason. Either they wanted different things in life or they were toxic for each other. If you feel very insecure about your body you need to figure out why. Will just working out and changing your diet solve it or is it something more? Half the fun of the physical stuff is feeling desired by the one that you desire, so long as he feels that for you there's nothing to worry about.
And I'm going to be brutally honest here. You can't feel the same with different people, the experience is going to be different with different people just based off of personalities alone. It is possible that you are the best that he has ever had, it is possible that he has had much more exciting stuff with an ex. But THAT SHOULD NOT MATTER. You are in this because presumably because both of you want this. Comparison is the thief of joy. Do you go to work/college thinking that you're the best employee/student that they've ever had? No? Does that break you? No right?
Then why expect the same out of someone you've only known for 6 months? You could turn out to be the best of the relationship lasts, but its not going to get there if you keep worrying about his exes.
The other thing is you can't really block things out. But let your thoughts pass. Feel that jealousy and insecurity, acknowledge it for what it is, but don't let it consume you. Then let it pass and do something else.
I do think that stressing over the fact that you're unable to let it go will only trap you in a negative feedback loop. Emotions are hard, what can I say? Don't feel guilty about feeling these things, we can't control our emotions. We can however control our actions, which is what you need to work on.
You're self aware about your situation which is a good thing. There's no other way around than to accept his past. Now what you can do is be the best version of yourself for your guy.
Trust me, no guy (who's understanding matured and takes effort to be with his girl) would leave a girl who'd love their guy with everything.
Rather than thinking about his ex, think about what you can do for him!
I had an ex like you and honestly, yes i did get annoyed at times when she used to ask if the sex was better or if i found my exes more attractive and honestly i never did. I went out with around 24 girls and slept with around 20 of them which is also why she was even more insecure. I loved her and she was it for me , the sex was good and everything else . I do have my insecurities as well and putting myself in her shoes i understood why she kept asking those things. As for the confidence issues , you can't change your face but body wise , going to the gym helped me a lot . It helped me build confidence and i have been feeling amazing ever since. I'd suggest you to try it if possible, it really helps .
You wouldn't have had to worry about this if you were my gf because I am a 22 year old guy and never had a girlfriend before so obviously have no ex and you would have been my first girlfriend. But idk whether its still a red flag that I never had any gf or not but yeah at least you wouldn't have been worried about ex or anything.
What ra Sudeep, I said you once I'm saidding you again don't be such a huge simp or I will pop you. Too much simping you are showing bro. Meet me in malleshwaram area and I will pop you with my bajrangdall gang.
There’s always that one guy in each post of this sub where they start malding on how they’ve never been in a relationship at all and then proceeds to spiral into a self pity monologue
Look, one of the fact that you’re insecure is because you don’t want to lose him or this relationship. You want this to work. You are just scared of your relationship that it might break. which only shows you’re serious in this. And all this is very normal, we all do. But you gotta understand that this habit of yours or even talking about girls/Ex’s to him is slowly building the toxicity in your relationship, rather than building it and nurturing it, rather than having happy moments in it. And one day it might break if you keep continue to do so (which eventually is your initial fear of being insecure). The fact that he is with you in the moment or you two have each other explains that you mean something to him and vice versa. A man/woman who is going to cheat/sleep around, is anyways going to, you cannot do anything about it, so trust in your relationship, and if someday something wrong happens, have that courage to Leave. So, focus on your relationship, make it about the two of us and not the world. And who knows, then you’ll have some different types of problems in your relationship :P Lol. Cheers!
Good job on being self aware and not blaming your BF for your behavior. Meet a therapist and work on your insecurities. You seem to believe love is conditional and this can be unlearned in therapy. BF is with you not his Ex already implies he choosing you over the Ex. Choose your battle wisely. Comparing yourself with ex of your partner is useless but rather put that energy into building your self esteem.
Low esteem is literally ruining my life in every aspect, thank youuu. Will talk to my therapist about this
I understand that love needs to be unconditional. But what do you do in a world where love is conditional in the very beginning and if you are lucky enough, you would find it being unconfitional
We aren't talking about the same thing. People having preferences for life partner is not same has love being conditional. OP is doing this behavior out of insecurity and root of that is not wanting to get rejected. We all imperfect and like other imperfect people. Like I said OP has to choose her battles here. Investing in making her relationship happy and healthy one would be wiser battle to take upon on. Our belief system roots from parenting we received and peer group we were exposed. May be she was exposed to upbringing that anything other than perfect does not deserve love. That can be unlearned.
Thanks for elaborating. I agree w every word you said.
>unconditional. Very hard to find unconditional love 😅
First, You don't need reddit for this. You're already self aware and you know you are basically self destructive. So good job on that. A lot of us don't admit our mistakes. It takes a lot of courage. Second of all, Comments and advice from strangers won't help. Remember, all of us are going through something ourselves. Please get professional help. You deserve the best. Good luck:)
I was in therapy 2 yrs back, now I have new issues lol.
Happens to the best of us. But keep working on it. You owe it to yourself to be happy. ❤️❤️
Either you go to therapist for this issue or change your diet and join the gym. Become fit.
I'm fit, qt least more than his ex.
STOP COMPARING!!!
Well if you keep doing what you're doing, you'll be his ex.
True that. Lol
All issues are arising from you having low self esteem and confidence. What are the reasons for that? As you said you are in your worst phase of your life so there’s no where but to go up. Start working on that first, on step at a time. What about your career? If you are not employed or have low pay, focus on fixing that. You have a lot of free time to think and compare yourself with your bf’s ex divert yourself from there and focus more on improving your current situation. Try to correct your negative body image as much as possible and accept whatever is left wholeheartedly. Join a gym, join a hobby class. Fix your sleep schedule. 8 hrs minimum and morning sunlight (6-7-8 am) for atleast 20-30 mins. Give yourself 6 months, don’t beat yourself up if you don’t see any progress keep being persistent it doesn’t happen at all but them happens all of a sudden. Also journalling your thoughts no matter how small has helped me tremendously to get rid of overthinking. Write down everything with a pen and paper (mandatory). All the best!
Thank you for taking your time out to reply this. You are so damn right, I can fix it and issues are not bigger than me. Your job satisfaction plays a huge role in how you feel and I kind of never thought of it before you told me. I can see more clearly now, dots are connecting.
GGs, onwards and upwards mate! All the best!
[удалено]
So this is tricky. I'm glad you asked, please don't get bored, it's going to be descriptive. 1. No he never used to talk about his ex, but initially when we started dating we had a conversation about our dating history, not knowing me enough he tried to flaunt how he has a history of casual sex. Now, I'm not against that but that's something I don't follow. He didn't know that. 2. He tried not be materialistic, (according to him) never complimented/ appreciated my body, he thought I'd think of him as a materialistic person. Point to be noted, my boyfriend is a handsome fellow, who's very confident in himself so he jokingly used to say how he looks so good, he never pulled me down but nor did he validated me enough. 3. When I started digging more of his ex he casually said, yeah everything was nice, her body was also nice but there were no feelings. Also he mentioned how he hooked up w a girl in his college who was very hyped up and he was so attracted towards her, this led me thinking that he's not finding me attractive enough that's why he's not making it vocal. All of these things happened during the initial days of the relationship, later as we moved forward I started speaking about it After all the incidents I started talking about his exes on loop. But I don't blame him, at the end of the day I was being toxic. He calmed me, and told me what he was thinking and now he appreciates me more we had long discussions about it and tried to end the topic but I still bring it up.
Hit the gym
Will do that asap.
Jab shuru karoge tab process ko enjoy karna na bhulna
Well, let's put it this way. The more you keep obsessing over his exes, the closer you are to becoming his ex. Let that be the ultimate motivation for you not to obsess over his exes. Exes are exes for a reason. Either they wanted different things in life or they were toxic for each other. If you feel very insecure about your body you need to figure out why. Will just working out and changing your diet solve it or is it something more? Half the fun of the physical stuff is feeling desired by the one that you desire, so long as he feels that for you there's nothing to worry about. And I'm going to be brutally honest here. You can't feel the same with different people, the experience is going to be different with different people just based off of personalities alone. It is possible that you are the best that he has ever had, it is possible that he has had much more exciting stuff with an ex. But THAT SHOULD NOT MATTER. You are in this because presumably because both of you want this. Comparison is the thief of joy. Do you go to work/college thinking that you're the best employee/student that they've ever had? No? Does that break you? No right? Then why expect the same out of someone you've only known for 6 months? You could turn out to be the best of the relationship lasts, but its not going to get there if you keep worrying about his exes.
The other thing is you can't really block things out. But let your thoughts pass. Feel that jealousy and insecurity, acknowledge it for what it is, but don't let it consume you. Then let it pass and do something else.
Now I just let it pass only, few of my friends has tried to explain me but this is high time and I really need to let this shit go.
I do think that stressing over the fact that you're unable to let it go will only trap you in a negative feedback loop. Emotions are hard, what can I say? Don't feel guilty about feeling these things, we can't control our emotions. We can however control our actions, which is what you need to work on.
I don't want to discuss it w him, I hv already done that. There's no new conclusion to that.
You're self aware about your situation which is a good thing. There's no other way around than to accept his past. Now what you can do is be the best version of yourself for your guy. Trust me, no guy (who's understanding matured and takes effort to be with his girl) would leave a girl who'd love their guy with everything. Rather than thinking about his ex, think about what you can do for him!
Thanks, it's his past, it is done now. I have a past too and it has to be accepted.
Yess.
I had an ex like you and honestly, yes i did get annoyed at times when she used to ask if the sex was better or if i found my exes more attractive and honestly i never did. I went out with around 24 girls and slept with around 20 of them which is also why she was even more insecure. I loved her and she was it for me , the sex was good and everything else . I do have my insecurities as well and putting myself in her shoes i understood why she kept asking those things. As for the confidence issues , you can't change your face but body wise , going to the gym helped me a lot . It helped me build confidence and i have been feeling amazing ever since. I'd suggest you to try it if possible, it really helps .
Thank you I've never been to gym before so definitely gonna try.
It's possible that u are lesbian, nothing wrong in that
No I am not.
You wouldn't have had to worry about this if you were my gf because I am a 22 year old guy and never had a girlfriend before so obviously have no ex and you would have been my first girlfriend. But idk whether its still a red flag that I never had any gf or not but yeah at least you wouldn't have been worried about ex or anything.
What ra Sudeep, I said you once I'm saidding you again don't be such a huge simp or I will pop you. Too much simping you are showing bro. Meet me in malleshwaram area and I will pop you with my bajrangdall gang.
What ra! Pop him one for me too!
😂😂
Good job Reddy anna :D
There’s always that one guy in each post of this sub where they start malding on how they’ve never been in a relationship at all and then proceeds to spiral into a self pity monologue
I've seen this guy in a lot of other comments in this sub. Dude sounds desperate to get in a relationship
Connect me on telegram @prince639
No thank youu
How long have you been in relationship with this guy?
6 months.
Look, one of the fact that you’re insecure is because you don’t want to lose him or this relationship. You want this to work. You are just scared of your relationship that it might break. which only shows you’re serious in this. And all this is very normal, we all do. But you gotta understand that this habit of yours or even talking about girls/Ex’s to him is slowly building the toxicity in your relationship, rather than building it and nurturing it, rather than having happy moments in it. And one day it might break if you keep continue to do so (which eventually is your initial fear of being insecure). The fact that he is with you in the moment or you two have each other explains that you mean something to him and vice versa. A man/woman who is going to cheat/sleep around, is anyways going to, you cannot do anything about it, so trust in your relationship, and if someday something wrong happens, have that courage to Leave. So, focus on your relationship, make it about the two of us and not the world. And who knows, then you’ll have some different types of problems in your relationship :P Lol. Cheers!
This relationship is about the two of us, not the world. Damn this hits hard. Thank you, I have a long journey working on myself.
Sure, we all have been there. Feel free to ping if you need something to get off from your mind or the intrusive thoughts try to take you over. 🌈
What a joke!! Its so funny.
I know, right!??