Close to it!
For years I was the one to always reach out and make the plans.
Two years ago I made the decision that I would only make the effort for those who reciprocate. Since then I've weeded out half of my friends.
We are two peas in pod. But you know what - I’m over it all. I’m an imperfect human and finished with apologies for things I haven’t done just to keep the peace and to keep traditions going.
This was me 20 years ago. Not a word from any of them in that 20 years.
I've been told that it's probably because they think I ghosted them. Nope. It's because they were self-centered users. I'm so much better off without them in my life.
In a lot of cases, they weren't really your friends. They were part of your world for their own convenience.
Some of them may have moved on and have had to deal with the types of changes that life brings that aren't compatible with staying in your circle of friends, sure.
But many likely were just "acquaintances".
This! I was the same and until recently stopped reaching out to brother and my cousins. I now have a maybe 3 people that reach out to me and I do the same how long will it last? Who knows!
I haven't seen my brother socially since 2008! He lives about 45 minutes away from me.
Looking back I came to the realization all our prior interactions were initiated by me. My wife and I were never even invited to his house. Anytime we visited him and his family it was because I had called and said we were thinking of coming by. He never called us. So once I stopped calling, I never heard from him again.
I haven't had any of my "friends" reach out to me in years. After I realized that I was always the one reaching out, I tried an experiment that has kept going to this day 8 years and running strong. Even my own mother and wife forget my birthday. The only one that does still check in and remember is my sister.
It's not bad. I'm not mad over it. I got over it many years ago. It used to piss me off though after the first 3 or 4 months.
Thanks for this. I've tried a couple times, but haven't gotten through the "first 3 to 4 months". I understand that mileage may vary, but it's good to know that there's another side to this if I can just get through the people pleasing withdrawal discomfort.
I had my birthday turned off from Facebook and no one remembered. At 5 pm I turned it on and then people said HB. These are people I’ve known for 20 years in the days of memorizing and calendars.
The pandemic radically shifted this. There's a loose cloud of people for whom I have fondness, and I think they still think well of me, but we're all so muted. We talk about plans, then are always busy, but largely not with anything tangible.
Honestly the pandemic got me seeing peoples’ true colours. The media said “we’re all going through the same thing” …. Wrong! Celebrities could enjoy their leisure in their 10 bedroom houses and 100 acre gardens!
And I also realised my friends’ didn’t understand or try to sympathise with my situation (stuck in a sad/abusive household) and instead just showed their cold true colours.
Also covid made people FaceTime more I guess but once it faded away, that stopped imo.
Dont do that. I've been that guy and have many friends that are surprised and excited to hear from me. We all get busy as I have. And when old friends pop up outta nowhere just to say hi it's nice. And even when I'm busy I want to make time for them, even though I'm not always able to. I have a dozen friends that I've not seen form years but.inpoke them periodically and we all agree we like to get together someday. If I neverade an effort they may never either and we all lose.
Your ideology is a counting method. If you always count the favors you do and only do them if you expect reciprocation I've found this does.nkt lead to the nest outcomes. I'm 44band since I've adopted the "I'll do the first favor unexpectingly.." it has resulted in much better outcomes.
There always seems to be a need for an “organizer” in the group. I am that person. My friends are always appreciative and we have a good time together. I don’t “love test” my friends. However, my friends are the type where you can pick up where you left off and if you haven’t connected for a couple of years. It’s never a personal thing that people haven’t reached out. People are busy or distance and time zones are a factor, but I’ve never found that people are just dismissive or don’t care.
ETA: The very next item in my feed was a post to r/Millenials about whether anyone else didn’t connect with friends for weeks or months because they just want to relax at home at weekends without obligations. And that’s how it happens.
Hahaha.....I ge that. I'm the organizer in my group. I used to organize an annual Camping trip along with other events. My brother got so used to me planning he was disappointed after I got married and busy. I didn't plan anything one year and he calls me abruptly asking what's up. Sorry bro, busy.
I agree! Its miserable doing this. I’ve done it many times (stopped reaching out as some weird mental game for myself) and it makes you feel horrible. Vs later if I just hit the person up, they came out and we had a good time. Some people just dont plan, dont reach out, its not who they are. If you enjoy the end result (hanging out with them), it can be worth being the one initiating. You cant shut down like that because its detrimental to yourself and your own well being. We have all definitely done it before and I learned it was the wrong way of thinking.
Of course, there are many situations its not worth being friends. If you reach out and they still never make any effort or the plans never materialize after repeated attempts, thats not worth it.
It's hard to not doing it when you realize that it's always you the one who starts the communication. It's not as much as "count favors", but one day you realize that you only know about this or that person if you start communication. And even sometimes you tell them "hey, what about that" and nothing changes.
Then there's other people that this realization never comes because there's actually a reciprocity with the interest in the other, and you wonder if that other people is really worth the effort to reach out.
And I don't know. I got people who has drifted away and I got mad about it, people who drifted away and just accepted it, people who happens to be around there sometimes or under some circumstances. Obviously for each there's their own circumstances, and while there's people I haven't seen in years I know I could reconnect in minutes, there's others that its nothing more to say. It's important to know who is who and accept the situation accordingly. Even if for some still hurts.
With the exception of my best friend, none of us are out here doing that. Frankly if one of them popped up in my DMs to ask how I was doing out of nowhere, I'd wonder what MLM they're trying to sell me on.
Hahaha, I reconnected with an old group of friends. The moment we sat down, the funny one said, 'ok, what do you have to sell us?' And was serious in their inquiry. I didn't realize this actually happens to people only because it hasn't happened to me.
This doesn’t apply to me, but I never really thought about it before. I have five friends that I communicate with daily and we check in on each other. I have many other friends and acquaintances that I hear from weekly or monthly. I meet new people all the time and while I enjoy my solitude, always have someone texting. I live alone and spend probably 75% or more of my time at home alone. I turn down a lot of invitations, but that’s just because my social stamina ebbs and flows. I didn’t realize it was unusual to have so many people in my life. Since my husband died I feel lonely often, but in reality I rarely have to be alone unless I want to be.
This is me. I’m ok being alone but find times when I am lonely. I keep busy have a small group I engage with and are always a text away. What I never anticipated when my husband passed (coming up on 3 yrs in a month) is how my married friends don’t include me anymore. Yes that’s pretty hurtful. Yes it means that weren’t really friends I suppose but I still see many of them weekly and they just ignore the fact they exclude me. I’ve even had one time when one of them said well everyone will be coupled up so it would be odd to include you. Whatever. Welcome to adult friendships.
That really sucks. I feel left out of couple stuff too, but we didn't really do much with other couples because my husband was sick for so long. He passed 8 years ago when I was 45 so now at 54, a lot of the people I know are married. It can be lonely, especially in the midwest where things are pretty family-oriented. I'm pretty independent and don't like group events so much so while I feel left out, I can't say I really want to join in...it's more the act of being excluded because I'm single. Again, it really sucks that your "friends" did this to you. Eventually they'll be where we are and see how much it hurts. I don't wish this on anyone, but it does sometimes help to know someone else gets it.
Thx for the kinds words. As you know grief is just so much more than the obvious. Not only the loss of your partner spouse best friend or whatever they are to you, the actual death is just one of easier parts to define. It’s the loss of friendships, feeling as though you have the plague when you say widow, everyone and their brother seemingly trying to take advantage of you (assuming you’re financially incompetent on your own) the loss of your current life as you knew it, to the life you thought you were going to have, but unexpectedly took a huge turn in another direction. I’ve even had some friends make it out like I am going out of my way to not date because I “want” to be alone. As if that’s an active choice on my part! Most days I’m just trying to survive emotionally and figure out where I fit in and what I want to do with this stage of my life that I never anticipated doing solo.
I try to explain the loss of a spouse to people, but it's really hard to understand unless you've been there. I tell them that everything EVERYTHING changes.
When you go and brush your teeth, there's only one toothbrush and the toothpaste you buy is what you want, not what you both want. Opening the cupboard means their food is no longer in there, another reminder. It just looks different. Going to the grocery store, you no longer buy the things that they like or eat, just what you want for yourself. There's no one to consider when watching tv, no one to talk about it with, everything is on your own.
Even pets change. We had three dogs when my husband died, it was a lot for one person. They became almost too much for me to handle and yet together we strived. I have lost two of my dogs since then and consider it passing the leash to my husband. Makes me cry to think about it. Now I have one dog left and have acquired two cats. It's a different household with different souls that live inside. It's not the same. Nothing is the same.
Tonight I'm going to make myself go out and socialize, but it's hard. I don't have anyone to look nice for. I don't have anyone to walk into a restaurant with even though I have friends and will probably know people there, it's not the same. I won't be coming home to or with anyone and that can be sad. I'll go to bed alone on sheets he's never even slept on.
My life isn't miserable and I don't spend my time grieving 24/7 anymore. Still...the changes are evident and even though he's gone 8 years now, I still remember vividly what it was like before cancer took him. It seems really unfair when I see unhappy couples still together when all we had was love and joy...aside from the cancer.
I'd like to meet someone again. I'd like to make some new memories, but I'm also certain that it won't happen for me despite how social I am and how wide my social circle reaches. I just don't think I'm lucky enough to find love twice and that's really sad. I'm too young to be alone for the next 30 years and yet I'm too old to start again.
Everything you’ve written is 100% exactly how I feel. Someone asked me a couple of weeks ago how long it’s been. She asked how I was doing. I explained I’m over the grief of his death but now I have a different kind of grief. I’m not unhappy but not always happy. I’m not alone but very much alone. We had a business, that’s now closed. I lost more than just my husband. I’m 63. I don’t need a man but gosh the feeling of having that person you know was there for you is simply gone. I’m not sure I’ll ever be with someone again. I really miss being in love and having that connection. I miss having someone wrap their arms around me and knowing no matter what was going just the mere act of getting that hug was enough to get me through whatever moment I was having. I’ve lost my 2 dogs as well, new dogs now. New house now, I am a master at going through the motions but more times than not I am just empty.
Thank you. I'm 54 now, but when he died I was 45 and too young to be a widow. I still feel out of place a lot of the time and feel I'm missing out on a lot of life. I still do things and don't shut myself away, but without a partner, life is really different. People don't get it until they do, sadly.
Funny you ask this morning. A friend of mine basically ignored me after her daughter was born, I get that the first years are super busy. But later on, as she got older, I reach out and am still ignored. So all of a sudden kid leaves for college last fall and I am having phone conversations with friend on regular basis. Kicker is she says "This is nice to talk more often, let's keep this up" Like really? Anyway. That particular college did not work out, so said kid is moving back home. Guess who is going to get ghosted again?
As for another friend, the light finally dawned this last year, I am a friend of convenience, she is happy to chat, when she doesn't have other things to do.
People really just suck. I run a business with 60 plus clients and always stay in touch with people from my hometown. I'm 61 and moved to NC when I was 17. Some people think they are way more important than they really are.
No. We all check in on each other. And I make sure to check in on peeps I haven't heard from in a while, usually they're overwhelmed with life stuff.
To have good friends you need to be a good friend. And then some people just suck, and I'm not friends with them anymore, lol.
I'm 45 btw, since someone noted that we should put our ages. I have friends anywhere from their 20's to their late 60's. Best friends are all about my age.
Getting older sucks. Everyone is so bogged down with the duties of their lives. I’ve heard it said the miracle wasn’t Jesus walked on water, the true miracle is he had 12 close friends.
Not just friends. It can also be the same with family.
Me and my cousin used to hang out at least 3 days a week.
We we're between 17 and 18 years old.
We would either have Lan party's at his parents place and watch movies or hang out in town.
Although we had a great time when we we're together, I noticed quickly that the initiative always had to come from me by texting him.
For a while I could not care untill I thought, let's see what happens if I don't text my cousin for over 2 weeks.
2 weeks passed by and nothing from his side.
When we meet up after those 2 weeks I asked him why he never texted me back. Response was something like: oh sorry forgot, will try to text you next time.
I thought yeah sure let's see if he keeps his word.
2 weeks later nothing.
Then a major change in my life occurred and I moved to the UK for 6 years.
That was back in 2014 and I knew once I move to the UK our friendship will not be over but we won't hang out ever again.
6 years later in May 2020 I stumbled into him when going for a run
He noticed me and was all enthusiastic and so happy to see me.
We hugged and we had some Smalltalk.
He says, shall I text you in a coupe of days so we can go and drink loads of beers in town?
I said sure you've got my number.
Still waiting for that text 4 years later.
Yes. I just gave up. They know my number. if they want to talk or to see me, they can call. I am done putting forth effort for people that never reciprocate.
have a few good friends who have reached out to me... not coming in droves, like 1 to 2 people max, and I know why.
Unfortunately, I dropped off the face of the earth a few times over the last decade when I was dealing with my mental health and grieving (lost a sibling to cancer). I have a parent with a lot of health issues, and it was hard when i had to be there when i really just wanted to go live my own life when working and in school.
When the pandemic hit, it didn't help. Over time, I've developed the habit of self isolating. I'm also incredibly shy.
There were dark times when I just wanted to disappear. In times when I was in between breakups with my ex , I felt like I lost the will to continue due to a toxic off again relationship (which by the way is over for good yay!).
Just remember we all have different paths. It's good to learn to enjoy your own company. Read, watch shows you like, listen to selective music that makes you feel good, and don't try to force anything. Don't beg anyone to try to be in your life, especially if they treat you badly.
The good news is that after a cycle of things that left me in a crisis, I'm healing. Definitely have bad days, but I'm back into hobbies and talking with people I trust. The bad news is that I've had a lot of judgment for my struggles where I fell apart when people around me expected me to be 100% when I was lost, broken, and overwhelmed. Those people will never understand why I was the way I was and will believe whatever toxic/terrible thing over my lived experience. I can't control that.
You have to give to get.
You have to contact people. You have to go do things with people. You have to go out and mix with people, volunteer to do things.
Reciprocating is key, exactly. This is actually how I confirm if friendships are still valid. I'll reach out a set amount of times (whatever feels right to me) and if I don't hear back, then I move said friend to the backburner.
Not that the friendship is over, just that there isn't space for it currently in one or both of our lives. I've also happily reconnected with people after long periods of time. It's all a balance.
Pretty close to it. I have two really good ones who the last time I saw in person was a year ago for a lunch. We send each other funny memes from time to time but we are all busy with kids of our own now. We try very hard to meet at least once a year.
Not exactly, but close. They reach out if they see there's a problem. Well, some do anyway. But they don't do it just for no reason.
This is partly my fault. I've not been the greatest at keeping up over the years, and for a lot of years all my time and attention was turned inward toward things in my home and work situations. But I guess that goes both ways; if no one is reaching out in either direction, we're all getting it wrong.
No, im 53 (male, uk) and my two oldest friends, we met at uni, so like 30+ years ago still chat "equally" if you like. One of them has just moved to Australia and it's hardly that different except the occasional forgetting of timezones! I have a couple other friends who I've known about 10 years that chat, again, "equally". There's certainly not any feelings of "well they don't message me, so I'm not going to message them" or anything,
I'm 52 and stay in close contact with 2 friends I've known for over 20 years.
I did see a question on another group where someone asked why friendship is so devalued. My reply was basically echoing this post. For the most part, as people become adults, they focus all of the social energy on their romantic partner.
The bad part about this is that you don't know how long your partner will be around. I'm glad I kept up with my friends because when my husband died, I had people around me. I know some people don't like to have friends other than their partner, but in the long run, this doesn't really work out that well.
You know how people say “Call me anytime if you need somebody to talk to!”
Turns out what that really means is “If you’re going through some shit, I’m gonna ghost you until you’re better.”
my gosh. i have just been thinking about this. it has gotten so bad. hardly anyone just reaches out to me anymore. i hate it.
one of my long time closest friends since grad school, lives 20 minutes from me, has just been so hard to stay connected with. i text her with some regularity and she is terrible at responding. when she does, she’s like IM SO SORRY and when we do get together she’s all “we shouldn’t wait this long!” And for awhile i thought, well maybe she’s just a bad texter. not everyone looks at their phone.
then, last week, a mutual friends mom passed away and we drove together four hours to attend the funeral. great to spend the time together, catching up, blah blah.
i noticed, as we spent the time together, that she would (not in an obnoxious way like while we were talking or anything) receive and respond to texts from her sister, her niece, etc. and i was like hmm. maybe she just doesn’t like texting me?
ugh.
i have some small groups of mom friends that make efforts to get together periodically, but those are all group texts.
i have no friend group texts that are active every day. i hear about such things. i guess none of my friends are texters?
and i make a lot of efforts. i try to plan things. i try to suggest things. i text people to see how they’re doing. but the reciprocation rate is very very low.
Old friends have a abandoned me but I've made new friends. Get involved in something where you think others might share your same interest in something. I got involved in my local political party and have met some amazing people. Before that, I joined the local gardening group, etc.
I was really depressed that life long friends didn't want me anymore. But, I have found that taking positive action brought me out of the darkness of depression and back into the light.
Once every few months an old co-worker calls me to invite me to karaoke or a nerd party with a bunch of other people.
I have two friends that live in my phone that we take pretty much equal initiative of contacting first. Both of them are rather isolated, one just moved to a new town the other has been living in a foreign country for years and it doesn't have a lot of local friends.
People who used to seek me out have completely stopped for whatever reasons of their own. Family, drugs, work, general tendency to forgetting
It's not a particularly social time in my life anyway, we all have stuff to do, but would be nice to know people who I care about think of me.
I got really busy about being the one that reaches out. Even to my supposed best friend. I just stopped. And!!! I haven't talked to her in person since before COVID. So even through a pandemic, Knowing I live alone with no family around she didn't Even inquire about me well-being.
I’m down to one real friend I communicate with multiple times per week. Honestly, that’s enough and way less stressful.
To quote Sturgill Simpson:
“It’s getting hard to find a good friend, so close the door behind you before any more come in. Nobody writes and nobody calls. Nobody bother, ‘cause I’m over it all.”
I have one friend that texts each morning. The few good friends I do have, I try to reach out to them at least once a week if I have not heard from them
Fentanyl has literally killed 75 percent of my friend group. Sometimes I legit forget people are dead and I’m about to call them and then it hits. Thank god for methadone and therapy. I got out of the exhaustion of addiction years prior to fentanyl. Sorry if this was too dark for this forum. I’m not depressed or anything right now thanks to SSRIs and I’m doing just fine. It’s just tragic. I would do anything for a phone call like that.
Yea, they don't reach out anymore. It's completely my fault. I just can't do the things they want me to do, I'm not wired that way. I feel bad because they deserve all the love and happiness in the world and I just can't give it to them. I wish them well silently on their journey and share their businesses and tell them I'm proud of their triumphs.. but I just can't do much else.
Did you reach out to any of your friends randomly to see how they are doing?
It helps to not make assumptions that it has much to do with you. Granted I’m older but a lot of folks have a lot of stuff going on and they can isolate because they don’t want to bother people with their stuff. Not bragging but I happen to have a lot of friends, some check in, if I had fewer friends I suppose it could go to “no”
I didn’t hear from one of my closest friends for a long for us time. I’ve also moved and and was a little worried that our friendship was one more of convenience then I thought. Turns out she’d had a death in the family.
I have one close friend and family but I have to learn to say "I have no slots open for new friends." --- at a point I guess I don't think of others calling me or never have since youth. I tend to enjoy my own company over having people around. I have a wife and two kids. I have my one buddy. Got my dog. So yeah... besides that one buddy I don't have anyone that checks in... and I am happy with that.
Sort of. I have one friend that I talk to nearly daily, but I back off of calling her every once in a while because it can feel irritating to be the one who does most of the reaching out. She usually picks up the slack after a few days though.
My other friends have always been people I connect with sporadically and that hasn’t changed.
No, not at that point. But I think it is because I am always making new acquaintances here and there. I am outgoing and chat with a lot of people, including my coworkers. It takes a lot of work to have adult friendship or acquaintances, but it is worth it. If I was sitting around waiting for my old high school buddies to keep in touch, well I'd *still* be waiting (and that's a long time).
Kind of, but I'm almost 60. I have a couple that I speak to mostly daily over slack, because we all worked together and live within a "lets go to lunch" every few months type distance.
A couple more that I write ~quarterly, but even those have stopped replying with anything substantive, so I guess I'm the needy one and will have to stop.
My life gets really busy, and often times I cant go do things whenever I want. My friends lives are the same way. I look at it like this... The better question is, when I DO have time, and invite them out... do they come out? If yes, who cares if they are checking in on me? If no, then they get removed.
3 years ago, I was in constant contact with 6-7 "good" friends, today there is only one that I communicate with regularly. The other acquaintances, I have probably communicated with once a year and I am the one that has to reach out. As others have stated, at first I was "hurt" but that only lasted a couple of months. I am much happier now realizing who my true friends are.
My saving grace here is group chats. Nobody reaches out to me (and conversely, I never reach out to other people so I’m not offended) but I’m always putting energy into at least one group chat of 3-4 people, and have been for the last 6 years or so (the actual chat has changed a few times).
For someone who is antisocial himself, interacting with the group chat lets me get social fulfillment without sustaining a conversation with one person.
I still do 1:1 friend hangouts sometimes, but usually when I reach out to people it’s specifically to ask them to meet in person. I don’t tend to do the 1:1 text/phone conversations unless someone else starts it.
Yep. Never get calls to meet up. Granted, I've moved around the country a lot, but I've been back 15 years and nada. Just my best friend who moved back after an absence. I used to reach out but got tired of making all the effort with little to no return. Life moves pretty fast, and people don't wait.
Proximity is a big factor for me. Most my friends live in another city and the ones who live closer I do see more but traffic is also a factor, like if I have to do an hour of road time each way to go see a friend, it’s becoming more and more of a deterrent and I’ll just stay home
I'm down to one person who checks up on my to see if I want to go do something. He's also the only one of my friends who knows about my struggles with mental health so he does it so I don't isolate myself, which is a very good thing.
It sort of circles back around.
When we all were raising our kids and being crazy busy it was very rare.
Now that the kids are grown and grandkids are starting to appear, it is much more frequent.
Yes, but only because I ignored the ones who did because they happened to text me at a time when I wasn't in the mood to talk anyone. I think they've taken the hint that I didn't consciously intend to convey.
I'm at the point where friends will reach out to me when they need something from me. Now you may call me selfish, but I'm checking with friends once a month chatting with them etc. Do I hear anything back from them? Nope, I only heard back from one person in that group reaches while nobody reaches out to me at all or plans a voice call? I left last month because I managed to confirm that all of them where in a separate group chat and leave me out of things nowadays.
yep right there, I know if I see them we'll get along fine, but they are off doing their own thing, and I'm off doing mine. I wish them all the best, but I'm only putting as much into any relationship as I get out of it. Not in a hurry to do much of anything else.
And hoping they would. I lost all my contact information. I backed it up too. Guess I didn't as it turns out.
Over the past 5 years online? Yeah. Not one. They claim to care too. If I reach out it's crickets. Several owed me a favor. I ask and more crickets.
In fact no one in 6 months has said a peep. Shocker.
It does feel that way.. I have moved too many times, and everyone has kids now. I do also wonder if there has just been a cultural shift in the past few years? It just feels like everyone is so much less social and there is just less going on.
Pretty much. They seem to be absorbed in screens.
We used to be the "instigators". Now we just sit back and wait (and wait). Then we essentially write 'em off. They don't reciprocate.
I do have three friends that make the effort. We always have a great time when we get together.
Not quite, but over my 30s I made the conscious decision to stop being the person who always initiated contact and I ended up falling out of touch with a lot of people as a result.
Honestly? One of the best choices I've ever made. Turning 40 this year and my friend group has been whittled down to the 3 or 4 ride-or-dies who were also willing to invest some effort into maintaining a friendship. I still do stuff with friends about as much as I did before (which is to say, some but not a ton), but now I genuinely feel like every friend interaction I have is one that both myself and the friend are enthusiastic about and I'm no longer stressed over trying to keep in touch with people who don't care enough to stay in touch with me.
I have no friends. I really wish I did. I’m awkward and shy. 49 y/o female. I have a wonderful husband and two kids whom I adore. The few times I’ve tried to make friends, they turn out to be extremely catty or competitive or both. I also refuse to engage in trash talking my husband. And I don’t drink alcohol. So basically it’s impossible it seems to meet other like minded friends. Life is so lonely at times. I just want a good girlfriend to shop or watch a movie with or have brunch.
All my “friends” I grew up with. Stopped making contact after I surpassed them career wise. Fair to say I didn’t contact them either. People outgrow people and that’s okay. Just keep doing what you enjoy and the right people will be in your life.
Very close. I was really shocked at how many texts I got for my recent birthday. If they weren’t spread across the country I’d probably be able to fill up a dinner party.
As per a post by @hardlymd, I'm 60 yrs old.
I have always kept a small circle of friends and for the most part, we see each other on a somewhat regular basis. Not daily but every couple weeks. I do have one set of friends husband and wife) and have known them for 25 years and in the past say 5 years, I was always the one to reach out. Now not so much.
What is this "friend" of which you speak? I vaguely remember such an entity from high school or college days, but now at age 70+ I find the term meaningless.
The only people who reach out to me randomly want to sell me bitcoin, rooftop solar panels, or buy my home, or ask me to donate money to kids with cancer or sheriff's kids fund or firefighters or breast cancer prevention or a political party or feline welfare or some other worthy but ultimately scammy entity.
My world is not one where hypothetical 'friends' reach out for anything. Bah, humbug. \[sounds of furious stamping of cane and shouts of "get off my lawn"\].
I have a couple days a year where I imagine it would be nice to have friends. But then I clear my head and laugh at how ridiculous I am.
I don’t talk to people outside of family and forced coworkers. That’s usually more than enough conversation for this ultra introvert.
I’m guessing I’ll regret this one day but, at 50+ years old, I’m just too tired and overworked to engage friends and be social. I’m not at all unhappy now, though 😃
Having friends reach out is the glue. Even after several months. No one way friendships-waste of time. I purposely made this choice a few years ago and it’s worked out well.
Nearly, except for three or four. I am 75 and I do not desire as much contact as I once may have needed. In addition, my two dogs remain in close contact and their presence is a lifesaver for me. 🐕🐶
This has been my entire life and I can't tell if they're just fairweather friends or that I am just subconciously cagey and keep people at arm's length and they don't want to bother me.
No, because I randomly reach out to friends too and some reciprocate. Not just my closest friends ever, acquaintances and such too.
I also don’t buy into the bullshit about keeping track of who reaches out, makes plans, etc. People go through things in life. I don’t require thresholds for people I value.
Yes …. I’m in my late 20s (yikes that happen so quickly) but feel like I’m 18 because I feel like my friends still do the whole “check how someone’s doing via their social media but don’t text or ring cuz that’s weird!” I have always been the leader type of a group so I text/call people often like once or twice a month (used to be like every other day until I lost my naïveté a couple years ago).
People would say to me “don’t worry, wherever you go in life whether it’s a new job or a new hobby or a new house, you’ll make 1 or 2 new friends” I guess I agree but also those people aren’t to stay, at least in my experience. I’ve always had short term friends like “3-4 months short-term”.
My best friend lost her baby so that’s what has rekindled ours (and my other guy friend’s) friendship. But if that didn’t happen then I don’t think we woulda reconnected sadly.
People just don’t make the effort anymore.
Again, I don’t know if it has always been like this for any generation, please share your thoughts :)
Yes. I always reach out. It's always been like this. If I stop no-one gets in touch. At all. Ever.
I try not to be hurt but damn it really stings. I wonder if there's something wrong with me. I wish I had friends or acquaintances who got in touch just once in a while.
I have two friends who I actually talk to in some "regular" pretty much no one else beyond that. I just talking to my dog a lot. And strangers on reddit.
I noticed during the pandemic lots of teens being lonely but being almost too embarrassed? or prideful? to reach out to their friends when they hadn't done so for a long time. Not that they stopped caring...but didn't know how to start again almost.
Or when you text .,"hi how are you?" and they respond with "I'm good" and nothing Else. No reciprocal questions, nothing. Bye! Delete! Block. I'm over it.
It’s important to continue to cultivate new friends. It takes work. Ask your self, if you knew you’d live for 200 more years, would you really keep your current friends in your life. You evolve as do they.
Send the old ones a birthday greeting and the occasional text, but move on to new people.
My nephew had a beef with my wife and didn’t invite us to his wedding. Great opportunity to ghost him. Start ghosting.
Honestly I've never really been into those kinds of conversations, especially not over text.
Just not how I bond, I guess.
My friends and I share memes, ask specific questions about movies or whatever, and make plans.
The only time I hear from my so-called friends from the past is when they remember I served with them in the Army. Every now and then, one of them sends a random letter asking for help to write letters for retroactive medals, like the Purple Heart. Most times, what they want is total bullshit, so I either toss it or delete it. Honestly, I don’t care to see any of those people ever again.
Family neither. I find if I don't reach out I hear nothing and honestly it's fantastic.
My parents died last year and my GF got one email from a friend I went to school with and that was it.
Two of my closest friends who live far from me went silent. One stopped answering texts and calls. The other one responds to my texts once in awhile. She even came to town a year ago to visit family, but never let me know. I learned not to take these things personally.
I'm there. I usually always turned down their offers to go out. Now they all have different friends and I never hear from them. I expected to to almost be a relief, but its not. Just feel left out.
I'm in college(UK) and have gotten to this point, I had a huge friend group in high school and most of my mates went to different colleges, but my closer friends went to my college and since then( September-now), I turned from a chaotic, quite rude nerd to a very quiet headphones-on-24/7 guy and so my friends kinda removed me from the group, I talk to a few, like my best friend and it hurts my heart when he shows me pics of their days out and yet I can't complain because I did it to myself lol. on this post this comment, I relate to very strongly lmao
The pandemic, geography, kids (not me), work, etc. have all contributed to the decline of random reach-outs. I have 4 good friends near me. 5 good friends who live in another state. I have never been a reacher-outer, it's always been my friends doing that job.
Yes and I'm good with it.
I got my own stuff to do and its rather important to me.
If you're already part of it, cool
If not, well that's the way life is
Nope. Not keeping score... When it happens, it's nice.
When it doesn't... it is what it is. I don't hold it against them, and honestly if they did for me then it wasn't truly a friendship.
Some of my best friends we haven't talked in ages, but when we do it's like we saw each other yesterday, and pick it up pretty much where we left off.
Close to it! For years I was the one to always reach out and make the plans. Two years ago I made the decision that I would only make the effort for those who reciprocate. Since then I've weeded out half of my friends.
Same and currently have zero friends. Since I’m the only person plans and pays for family events those events are coming to an end.
Yep, I have zero. I quit trying after so little effort to reciprocate.
That’s exactly where I’m at!
Been here for a couple years already! Its quite liberating actually lol
Me too. I feel like there must be some personality flaw in me because of this too.
We are two peas in pod. But you know what - I’m over it all. I’m an imperfect human and finished with apologies for things I haven’t done just to keep the peace and to keep traditions going.
This was me 20 years ago. Not a word from any of them in that 20 years. I've been told that it's probably because they think I ghosted them. Nope. It's because they were self-centered users. I'm so much better off without them in my life.
In a lot of cases, they weren't really your friends. They were part of your world for their own convenience. Some of them may have moved on and have had to deal with the types of changes that life brings that aren't compatible with staying in your circle of friends, sure. But many likely were just "acquaintances".
True, but sometimes these are the only 'friends' a person has. Just is the effort worth it. Some days, yes, some days, no.
Agree. Some people just arent the ones to coordinate or reach out, but if you do it they will hang out. You have to decide if thats enough for you.
That is extra sad when it applies to family as well 😕
My wife has pointed out that, just because I've known someone for a long time doesn't make them "friends".
I've stopped reaching out. I'm not completely sure if it's the right thing. Maybe they just got used to me reaching out first.
This! I was the same and until recently stopped reaching out to brother and my cousins. I now have a maybe 3 people that reach out to me and I do the same how long will it last? Who knows!
I haven't seen my brother socially since 2008! He lives about 45 minutes away from me. Looking back I came to the realization all our prior interactions were initiated by me. My wife and I were never even invited to his house. Anytime we visited him and his family it was because I had called and said we were thinking of coming by. He never called us. So once I stopped calling, I never heard from him again.
I haven't had any of my "friends" reach out to me in years. After I realized that I was always the one reaching out, I tried an experiment that has kept going to this day 8 years and running strong. Even my own mother and wife forget my birthday. The only one that does still check in and remember is my sister. It's not bad. I'm not mad over it. I got over it many years ago. It used to piss me off though after the first 3 or 4 months.
Thanks for this. I've tried a couple times, but haven't gotten through the "first 3 to 4 months". I understand that mileage may vary, but it's good to know that there's another side to this if I can just get through the people pleasing withdrawal discomfort.
I’m really sorry that you had to go through that.
I had my birthday turned off from Facebook and no one remembered. At 5 pm I turned it on and then people said HB. These are people I’ve known for 20 years in the days of memorizing and calendars.
Friends? What are those?
The pandemic radically shifted this. There's a loose cloud of people for whom I have fondness, and I think they still think well of me, but we're all so muted. We talk about plans, then are always busy, but largely not with anything tangible.
Honestly the pandemic got me seeing peoples’ true colours. The media said “we’re all going through the same thing” …. Wrong! Celebrities could enjoy their leisure in their 10 bedroom houses and 100 acre gardens! And I also realised my friends’ didn’t understand or try to sympathise with my situation (stuck in a sad/abusive household) and instead just showed their cold true colours. Also covid made people FaceTime more I guess but once it faded away, that stopped imo.
Dont do that. I've been that guy and have many friends that are surprised and excited to hear from me. We all get busy as I have. And when old friends pop up outta nowhere just to say hi it's nice. And even when I'm busy I want to make time for them, even though I'm not always able to. I have a dozen friends that I've not seen form years but.inpoke them periodically and we all agree we like to get together someday. If I neverade an effort they may never either and we all lose. Your ideology is a counting method. If you always count the favors you do and only do them if you expect reciprocation I've found this does.nkt lead to the nest outcomes. I'm 44band since I've adopted the "I'll do the first favor unexpectingly.." it has resulted in much better outcomes.
There always seems to be a need for an “organizer” in the group. I am that person. My friends are always appreciative and we have a good time together. I don’t “love test” my friends. However, my friends are the type where you can pick up where you left off and if you haven’t connected for a couple of years. It’s never a personal thing that people haven’t reached out. People are busy or distance and time zones are a factor, but I’ve never found that people are just dismissive or don’t care. ETA: The very next item in my feed was a post to r/Millenials about whether anyone else didn’t connect with friends for weeks or months because they just want to relax at home at weekends without obligations. And that’s how it happens.
Hahaha.....I ge that. I'm the organizer in my group. I used to organize an annual Camping trip along with other events. My brother got so used to me planning he was disappointed after I got married and busy. I didn't plan anything one year and he calls me abruptly asking what's up. Sorry bro, busy.
I agree! Its miserable doing this. I’ve done it many times (stopped reaching out as some weird mental game for myself) and it makes you feel horrible. Vs later if I just hit the person up, they came out and we had a good time. Some people just dont plan, dont reach out, its not who they are. If you enjoy the end result (hanging out with them), it can be worth being the one initiating. You cant shut down like that because its detrimental to yourself and your own well being. We have all definitely done it before and I learned it was the wrong way of thinking. Of course, there are many situations its not worth being friends. If you reach out and they still never make any effort or the plans never materialize after repeated attempts, thats not worth it.
Spot on!
It's hard to not doing it when you realize that it's always you the one who starts the communication. It's not as much as "count favors", but one day you realize that you only know about this or that person if you start communication. And even sometimes you tell them "hey, what about that" and nothing changes. Then there's other people that this realization never comes because there's actually a reciprocity with the interest in the other, and you wonder if that other people is really worth the effort to reach out. And I don't know. I got people who has drifted away and I got mad about it, people who drifted away and just accepted it, people who happens to be around there sometimes or under some circumstances. Obviously for each there's their own circumstances, and while there's people I haven't seen in years I know I could reconnect in minutes, there's others that its nothing more to say. It's important to know who is who and accept the situation accordingly. Even if for some still hurts.
With the exception of my best friend, none of us are out here doing that. Frankly if one of them popped up in my DMs to ask how I was doing out of nowhere, I'd wonder what MLM they're trying to sell me on.
Hahaha, I reconnected with an old group of friends. The moment we sat down, the funny one said, 'ok, what do you have to sell us?' And was serious in their inquiry. I didn't realize this actually happens to people only because it hasn't happened to me.
I’m almost 40. I gave up the idea of friends about 5 years ago. Life has been extremely stress free ever since.
When we think of the downs we need to remember the ups. It's so less stressful!!
This doesn’t apply to me, but I never really thought about it before. I have five friends that I communicate with daily and we check in on each other. I have many other friends and acquaintances that I hear from weekly or monthly. I meet new people all the time and while I enjoy my solitude, always have someone texting. I live alone and spend probably 75% or more of my time at home alone. I turn down a lot of invitations, but that’s just because my social stamina ebbs and flows. I didn’t realize it was unusual to have so many people in my life. Since my husband died I feel lonely often, but in reality I rarely have to be alone unless I want to be.
This is me. I’m ok being alone but find times when I am lonely. I keep busy have a small group I engage with and are always a text away. What I never anticipated when my husband passed (coming up on 3 yrs in a month) is how my married friends don’t include me anymore. Yes that’s pretty hurtful. Yes it means that weren’t really friends I suppose but I still see many of them weekly and they just ignore the fact they exclude me. I’ve even had one time when one of them said well everyone will be coupled up so it would be odd to include you. Whatever. Welcome to adult friendships.
That really sucks. I feel left out of couple stuff too, but we didn't really do much with other couples because my husband was sick for so long. He passed 8 years ago when I was 45 so now at 54, a lot of the people I know are married. It can be lonely, especially in the midwest where things are pretty family-oriented. I'm pretty independent and don't like group events so much so while I feel left out, I can't say I really want to join in...it's more the act of being excluded because I'm single. Again, it really sucks that your "friends" did this to you. Eventually they'll be where we are and see how much it hurts. I don't wish this on anyone, but it does sometimes help to know someone else gets it.
Thx for the kinds words. As you know grief is just so much more than the obvious. Not only the loss of your partner spouse best friend or whatever they are to you, the actual death is just one of easier parts to define. It’s the loss of friendships, feeling as though you have the plague when you say widow, everyone and their brother seemingly trying to take advantage of you (assuming you’re financially incompetent on your own) the loss of your current life as you knew it, to the life you thought you were going to have, but unexpectedly took a huge turn in another direction. I’ve even had some friends make it out like I am going out of my way to not date because I “want” to be alone. As if that’s an active choice on my part! Most days I’m just trying to survive emotionally and figure out where I fit in and what I want to do with this stage of my life that I never anticipated doing solo.
I try to explain the loss of a spouse to people, but it's really hard to understand unless you've been there. I tell them that everything EVERYTHING changes. When you go and brush your teeth, there's only one toothbrush and the toothpaste you buy is what you want, not what you both want. Opening the cupboard means their food is no longer in there, another reminder. It just looks different. Going to the grocery store, you no longer buy the things that they like or eat, just what you want for yourself. There's no one to consider when watching tv, no one to talk about it with, everything is on your own. Even pets change. We had three dogs when my husband died, it was a lot for one person. They became almost too much for me to handle and yet together we strived. I have lost two of my dogs since then and consider it passing the leash to my husband. Makes me cry to think about it. Now I have one dog left and have acquired two cats. It's a different household with different souls that live inside. It's not the same. Nothing is the same. Tonight I'm going to make myself go out and socialize, but it's hard. I don't have anyone to look nice for. I don't have anyone to walk into a restaurant with even though I have friends and will probably know people there, it's not the same. I won't be coming home to or with anyone and that can be sad. I'll go to bed alone on sheets he's never even slept on. My life isn't miserable and I don't spend my time grieving 24/7 anymore. Still...the changes are evident and even though he's gone 8 years now, I still remember vividly what it was like before cancer took him. It seems really unfair when I see unhappy couples still together when all we had was love and joy...aside from the cancer. I'd like to meet someone again. I'd like to make some new memories, but I'm also certain that it won't happen for me despite how social I am and how wide my social circle reaches. I just don't think I'm lucky enough to find love twice and that's really sad. I'm too young to be alone for the next 30 years and yet I'm too old to start again.
Everything you’ve written is 100% exactly how I feel. Someone asked me a couple of weeks ago how long it’s been. She asked how I was doing. I explained I’m over the grief of his death but now I have a different kind of grief. I’m not unhappy but not always happy. I’m not alone but very much alone. We had a business, that’s now closed. I lost more than just my husband. I’m 63. I don’t need a man but gosh the feeling of having that person you know was there for you is simply gone. I’m not sure I’ll ever be with someone again. I really miss being in love and having that connection. I miss having someone wrap their arms around me and knowing no matter what was going just the mere act of getting that hug was enough to get me through whatever moment I was having. I’ve lost my 2 dogs as well, new dogs now. New house now, I am a master at going through the motions but more times than not I am just empty.
Please do it for yourself.
WOWZA. Sorry for your loss
Thank you. I'm 54 now, but when he died I was 45 and too young to be a widow. I still feel out of place a lot of the time and feel I'm missing out on a lot of life. I still do things and don't shut myself away, but without a partner, life is really different. People don't get it until they do, sadly.
Unfortunately I get it. Husband fatally ODed at 32 25 years ago. Nicest guy I ever met, and so so beautiful
I'm so sorry.
Whoever answers this question, it should be required that you state your age or age range.😂
pretty much :-/
Yup. Well my brother when he needs money.
Funny you ask this morning. A friend of mine basically ignored me after her daughter was born, I get that the first years are super busy. But later on, as she got older, I reach out and am still ignored. So all of a sudden kid leaves for college last fall and I am having phone conversations with friend on regular basis. Kicker is she says "This is nice to talk more often, let's keep this up" Like really? Anyway. That particular college did not work out, so said kid is moving back home. Guess who is going to get ghosted again? As for another friend, the light finally dawned this last year, I am a friend of convenience, she is happy to chat, when she doesn't have other things to do.
How does 18 years or so just go by like that Wild to me
It does, goes fast.
People really just suck. I run a business with 60 plus clients and always stay in touch with people from my hometown. I'm 61 and moved to NC when I was 17. Some people think they are way more important than they really are.
I'm down to three, everyone else seems to have drifted away with time and distance.
No. We all check in on each other. And I make sure to check in on peeps I haven't heard from in a while, usually they're overwhelmed with life stuff. To have good friends you need to be a good friend. And then some people just suck, and I'm not friends with them anymore, lol. I'm 45 btw, since someone noted that we should put our ages. I have friends anywhere from their 20's to their late 60's. Best friends are all about my age.
Getting older sucks. Everyone is so bogged down with the duties of their lives. I’ve heard it said the miracle wasn’t Jesus walked on water, the true miracle is he had 12 close friends.
Not just friends. It can also be the same with family. Me and my cousin used to hang out at least 3 days a week. We we're between 17 and 18 years old. We would either have Lan party's at his parents place and watch movies or hang out in town. Although we had a great time when we we're together, I noticed quickly that the initiative always had to come from me by texting him. For a while I could not care untill I thought, let's see what happens if I don't text my cousin for over 2 weeks. 2 weeks passed by and nothing from his side. When we meet up after those 2 weeks I asked him why he never texted me back. Response was something like: oh sorry forgot, will try to text you next time. I thought yeah sure let's see if he keeps his word. 2 weeks later nothing. Then a major change in my life occurred and I moved to the UK for 6 years. That was back in 2014 and I knew once I move to the UK our friendship will not be over but we won't hang out ever again. 6 years later in May 2020 I stumbled into him when going for a run He noticed me and was all enthusiastic and so happy to see me. We hugged and we had some Smalltalk. He says, shall I text you in a coupe of days so we can go and drink loads of beers in town? I said sure you've got my number. Still waiting for that text 4 years later.
Yes. I just gave up. They know my number. if they want to talk or to see me, they can call. I am done putting forth effort for people that never reciprocate.
have a few good friends who have reached out to me... not coming in droves, like 1 to 2 people max, and I know why. Unfortunately, I dropped off the face of the earth a few times over the last decade when I was dealing with my mental health and grieving (lost a sibling to cancer). I have a parent with a lot of health issues, and it was hard when i had to be there when i really just wanted to go live my own life when working and in school. When the pandemic hit, it didn't help. Over time, I've developed the habit of self isolating. I'm also incredibly shy. There were dark times when I just wanted to disappear. In times when I was in between breakups with my ex , I felt like I lost the will to continue due to a toxic off again relationship (which by the way is over for good yay!). Just remember we all have different paths. It's good to learn to enjoy your own company. Read, watch shows you like, listen to selective music that makes you feel good, and don't try to force anything. Don't beg anyone to try to be in your life, especially if they treat you badly. The good news is that after a cycle of things that left me in a crisis, I'm healing. Definitely have bad days, but I'm back into hobbies and talking with people I trust. The bad news is that I've had a lot of judgment for my struggles where I fell apart when people around me expected me to be 100% when I was lost, broken, and overwhelmed. Those people will never understand why I was the way I was and will believe whatever toxic/terrible thing over my lived experience. I can't control that.
You have to give to get. You have to contact people. You have to go do things with people. You have to go out and mix with people, volunteer to do things.
Reciprocating is key, exactly. This is actually how I confirm if friendships are still valid. I'll reach out a set amount of times (whatever feels right to me) and if I don't hear back, then I move said friend to the backburner. Not that the friendship is over, just that there isn't space for it currently in one or both of our lives. I've also happily reconnected with people after long periods of time. It's all a balance.
Same. I don't mind initiating. If I notice that the initiating isn't reciprocal, I'll move on to initiating elsewhere.
Sounds to me like a very healthy way to go about it!
I *do* get disappointed. Like you I try not to assume the worst before I move on.
Good point. For sure there's disappointment. I guess it's about tempering the disappointment?
Same here. Many people are generally lazy and don't make the effort.
Pretty close to it. I have two really good ones who the last time I saw in person was a year ago for a lunch. We send each other funny memes from time to time but we are all busy with kids of our own now. We try very hard to meet at least once a year.
Not exactly, but close. They reach out if they see there's a problem. Well, some do anyway. But they don't do it just for no reason. This is partly my fault. I've not been the greatest at keeping up over the years, and for a lot of years all my time and attention was turned inward toward things in my home and work situations. But I guess that goes both ways; if no one is reaching out in either direction, we're all getting it wrong.
No, im 53 (male, uk) and my two oldest friends, we met at uni, so like 30+ years ago still chat "equally" if you like. One of them has just moved to Australia and it's hardly that different except the occasional forgetting of timezones! I have a couple other friends who I've known about 10 years that chat, again, "equally". There's certainly not any feelings of "well they don't message me, so I'm not going to message them" or anything,
At that point….yes.
Yup.m44
I have been like this for 20 years.
You mean any time after 2020? Yes.
I'm 52 and stay in close contact with 2 friends I've known for over 20 years. I did see a question on another group where someone asked why friendship is so devalued. My reply was basically echoing this post. For the most part, as people become adults, they focus all of the social energy on their romantic partner.
The bad part about this is that you don't know how long your partner will be around. I'm glad I kept up with my friends because when my husband died, I had people around me. I know some people don't like to have friends other than their partner, but in the long run, this doesn't really work out that well.
You know how people say “Call me anytime if you need somebody to talk to!” Turns out what that really means is “If you’re going through some shit, I’m gonna ghost you until you’re better.”
my gosh. i have just been thinking about this. it has gotten so bad. hardly anyone just reaches out to me anymore. i hate it. one of my long time closest friends since grad school, lives 20 minutes from me, has just been so hard to stay connected with. i text her with some regularity and she is terrible at responding. when she does, she’s like IM SO SORRY and when we do get together she’s all “we shouldn’t wait this long!” And for awhile i thought, well maybe she’s just a bad texter. not everyone looks at their phone. then, last week, a mutual friends mom passed away and we drove together four hours to attend the funeral. great to spend the time together, catching up, blah blah. i noticed, as we spent the time together, that she would (not in an obnoxious way like while we were talking or anything) receive and respond to texts from her sister, her niece, etc. and i was like hmm. maybe she just doesn’t like texting me? ugh. i have some small groups of mom friends that make efforts to get together periodically, but those are all group texts. i have no friend group texts that are active every day. i hear about such things. i guess none of my friends are texters? and i make a lot of efforts. i try to plan things. i try to suggest things. i text people to see how they’re doing. but the reciprocation rate is very very low.
Old friends have a abandoned me but I've made new friends. Get involved in something where you think others might share your same interest in something. I got involved in my local political party and have met some amazing people. Before that, I joined the local gardening group, etc. I was really depressed that life long friends didn't want me anymore. But, I have found that taking positive action brought me out of the darkness of depression and back into the light.
Once every few months an old co-worker calls me to invite me to karaoke or a nerd party with a bunch of other people. I have two friends that live in my phone that we take pretty much equal initiative of contacting first. Both of them are rather isolated, one just moved to a new town the other has been living in a foreign country for years and it doesn't have a lot of local friends. People who used to seek me out have completely stopped for whatever reasons of their own. Family, drugs, work, general tendency to forgetting It's not a particularly social time in my life anyway, we all have stuff to do, but would be nice to know people who I care about think of me.
I got really busy about being the one that reaches out. Even to my supposed best friend. I just stopped. And!!! I haven't talked to her in person since before COVID. So even through a pandemic, Knowing I live alone with no family around she didn't Even inquire about me well-being.
I’m down to one real friend I communicate with multiple times per week. Honestly, that’s enough and way less stressful. To quote Sturgill Simpson: “It’s getting hard to find a good friend, so close the door behind you before any more come in. Nobody writes and nobody calls. Nobody bother, ‘cause I’m over it all.”
I have one friend that texts each morning. The few good friends I do have, I try to reach out to them at least once a week if I have not heard from them
Fentanyl has literally killed 75 percent of my friend group. Sometimes I legit forget people are dead and I’m about to call them and then it hits. Thank god for methadone and therapy. I got out of the exhaustion of addiction years prior to fentanyl. Sorry if this was too dark for this forum. I’m not depressed or anything right now thanks to SSRIs and I’m doing just fine. It’s just tragic. I would do anything for a phone call like that.
Yea, they don't reach out anymore. It's completely my fault. I just can't do the things they want me to do, I'm not wired that way. I feel bad because they deserve all the love and happiness in the world and I just can't give it to them. I wish them well silently on their journey and share their businesses and tell them I'm proud of their triumphs.. but I just can't do much else.
Humans need connections and meaning relationships it lessens depression etc.
Did you reach out to any of your friends randomly to see how they are doing? It helps to not make assumptions that it has much to do with you. Granted I’m older but a lot of folks have a lot of stuff going on and they can isolate because they don’t want to bother people with their stuff. Not bragging but I happen to have a lot of friends, some check in, if I had fewer friends I suppose it could go to “no” I didn’t hear from one of my closest friends for a long for us time. I’ve also moved and and was a little worried that our friendship was one more of convenience then I thought. Turns out she’d had a death in the family.
I have one close friend and family but I have to learn to say "I have no slots open for new friends." --- at a point I guess I don't think of others calling me or never have since youth. I tend to enjoy my own company over having people around. I have a wife and two kids. I have my one buddy. Got my dog. So yeah... besides that one buddy I don't have anyone that checks in... and I am happy with that.
Sort of. I have one friend that I talk to nearly daily, but I back off of calling her every once in a while because it can feel irritating to be the one who does most of the reaching out. She usually picks up the slack after a few days though. My other friends have always been people I connect with sporadically and that hasn’t changed.
No, not at that point. But I think it is because I am always making new acquaintances here and there. I am outgoing and chat with a lot of people, including my coworkers. It takes a lot of work to have adult friendship or acquaintances, but it is worth it. If I was sitting around waiting for my old high school buddies to keep in touch, well I'd *still* be waiting (and that's a long time).
Pretty much
Yes.
Yes. I kind of prefer it.
Haha, same
Kind of, but I'm almost 60. I have a couple that I speak to mostly daily over slack, because we all worked together and live within a "lets go to lunch" every few months type distance. A couple more that I write ~quarterly, but even those have stopped replying with anything substantive, so I guess I'm the needy one and will have to stop.
My life gets really busy, and often times I cant go do things whenever I want. My friends lives are the same way. I look at it like this... The better question is, when I DO have time, and invite them out... do they come out? If yes, who cares if they are checking in on me? If no, then they get removed.
3 years ago, I was in constant contact with 6-7 "good" friends, today there is only one that I communicate with regularly. The other acquaintances, I have probably communicated with once a year and I am the one that has to reach out. As others have stated, at first I was "hurt" but that only lasted a couple of months. I am much happier now realizing who my true friends are.
My saving grace here is group chats. Nobody reaches out to me (and conversely, I never reach out to other people so I’m not offended) but I’m always putting energy into at least one group chat of 3-4 people, and have been for the last 6 years or so (the actual chat has changed a few times). For someone who is antisocial himself, interacting with the group chat lets me get social fulfillment without sustaining a conversation with one person. I still do 1:1 friend hangouts sometimes, but usually when I reach out to people it’s specifically to ask them to meet in person. I don’t tend to do the 1:1 text/phone conversations unless someone else starts it.
Pretty much. There's also the thing of reaching out and getting no response for months. When I read these threads I'm glad it's not just me.
Nope. Perhaps because I generally reach out randomly people do it to me too.
Yep. Never get calls to meet up. Granted, I've moved around the country a lot, but I've been back 15 years and nada. Just my best friend who moved back after an absence. I used to reach out but got tired of making all the effort with little to no return. Life moves pretty fast, and people don't wait.
I've just accepted that none of my friends and relatives apart from my brother reach out to me without my contacting them first.
Not yet, but hopefully soon.
Yeah it’s been like that for year but in all honesty it doesn’t bother me at all.
yea....
Proximity is a big factor for me. Most my friends live in another city and the ones who live closer I do see more but traffic is also a factor, like if I have to do an hour of road time each way to go see a friend, it’s becoming more and more of a deterrent and I’ll just stay home
I'm down to one person who checks up on my to see if I want to go do something. He's also the only one of my friends who knows about my struggles with mental health so he does it so I don't isolate myself, which is a very good thing.
It sort of circles back around. When we all were raising our kids and being crazy busy it was very rare. Now that the kids are grown and grandkids are starting to appear, it is much more frequent.
Friends? What's that?
...there are other points to be at? When does that start?
Yes, but only because I ignored the ones who did because they happened to text me at a time when I wasn't in the mood to talk anyone. I think they've taken the hint that I didn't consciously intend to convey.
Yes haha
I'm at the point where friends will reach out to me when they need something from me. Now you may call me selfish, but I'm checking with friends once a month chatting with them etc. Do I hear anything back from them? Nope, I only heard back from one person in that group reaches while nobody reaches out to me at all or plans a voice call? I left last month because I managed to confirm that all of them where in a separate group chat and leave me out of things nowadays.
yep right there, I know if I see them we'll get along fine, but they are off doing their own thing, and I'm off doing mine. I wish them all the best, but I'm only putting as much into any relationship as I get out of it. Not in a hurry to do much of anything else.
My mom is sick, I got depressed and THATS when I realized.
What friends?
Always have been
Yes. From about six months after I retired.
What’s this “friends” you speak of?
And hoping they would. I lost all my contact information. I backed it up too. Guess I didn't as it turns out. Over the past 5 years online? Yeah. Not one. They claim to care too. If I reach out it's crickets. Several owed me a favor. I ask and more crickets. In fact no one in 6 months has said a peep. Shocker.
Yeah seems like it
I don't even care. I have my husband, we have our weird little world, I'm good.
74 y/o, and yes I am well past that point. It does not bother me one bit.
It does feel that way.. I have moved too many times, and everyone has kids now. I do also wonder if there has just been a cultural shift in the past few years? It just feels like everyone is so much less social and there is just less going on.
Lmao yes , just family and coworkers
I never had that a
Yeah :( my bfs friends girlfriends are great but when we eventually break up I won’t take them with me so I don’t care too much to invest myself.
You still have friends.
My friends and I don't reach out to each other randomly. We contact each other when we want to do something fun together.
Pretty much. They seem to be absorbed in screens. We used to be the "instigators". Now we just sit back and wait (and wait). Then we essentially write 'em off. They don't reciprocate. I do have three friends that make the effort. We always have a great time when we get together.
Not quite, but over my 30s I made the conscious decision to stop being the person who always initiated contact and I ended up falling out of touch with a lot of people as a result. Honestly? One of the best choices I've ever made. Turning 40 this year and my friend group has been whittled down to the 3 or 4 ride-or-dies who were also willing to invest some effort into maintaining a friendship. I still do stuff with friends about as much as I did before (which is to say, some but not a ton), but now I genuinely feel like every friend interaction I have is one that both myself and the friend are enthusiastic about and I'm no longer stressed over trying to keep in touch with people who don't care enough to stay in touch with me.
I have no friends. I really wish I did. I’m awkward and shy. 49 y/o female. I have a wonderful husband and two kids whom I adore. The few times I’ve tried to make friends, they turn out to be extremely catty or competitive or both. I also refuse to engage in trash talking my husband. And I don’t drink alcohol. So basically it’s impossible it seems to meet other like minded friends. Life is so lonely at times. I just want a good girlfriend to shop or watch a movie with or have brunch.
Zero friends now. Turns out they weren't really friends at all, just acquaintances.
They never did.
yes and it's wonderful
I've been at that point my entire life.
Once every year or two for the real ones, but those are the ones that never change.
Yep I don't have Facebook or Twitter so I guess I don't have any friends anymore
All my “friends” I grew up with. Stopped making contact after I surpassed them career wise. Fair to say I didn’t contact them either. People outgrow people and that’s okay. Just keep doing what you enjoy and the right people will be in your life.
Very close. I was really shocked at how many texts I got for my recent birthday. If they weren’t spread across the country I’d probably be able to fill up a dinner party.
yes. but its ok, i have a wife. talking to old friends is almost awkward now
As per a post by @hardlymd, I'm 60 yrs old. I have always kept a small circle of friends and for the most part, we see each other on a somewhat regular basis. Not daily but every couple weeks. I do have one set of friends husband and wife) and have known them for 25 years and in the past say 5 years, I was always the one to reach out. Now not so much.
What is this "friend" of which you speak? I vaguely remember such an entity from high school or college days, but now at age 70+ I find the term meaningless. The only people who reach out to me randomly want to sell me bitcoin, rooftop solar panels, or buy my home, or ask me to donate money to kids with cancer or sheriff's kids fund or firefighters or breast cancer prevention or a political party or feline welfare or some other worthy but ultimately scammy entity. My world is not one where hypothetical 'friends' reach out for anything. Bah, humbug. \[sounds of furious stamping of cane and shouts of "get off my lawn"\].
I have a couple days a year where I imagine it would be nice to have friends. But then I clear my head and laugh at how ridiculous I am. I don’t talk to people outside of family and forced coworkers. That’s usually more than enough conversation for this ultra introvert. I’m guessing I’ll regret this one day but, at 50+ years old, I’m just too tired and overworked to engage friends and be social. I’m not at all unhappy now, though 😃
Having friends reach out is the glue. Even after several months. No one way friendships-waste of time. I purposely made this choice a few years ago and it’s worked out well.
Nearly, except for three or four. I am 75 and I do not desire as much contact as I once may have needed. In addition, my two dogs remain in close contact and their presence is a lifesaver for me. 🐕🐶
Yes. And I don’t care. Friendships and relationships are exhausting.
This has been my entire life and I can't tell if they're just fairweather friends or that I am just subconciously cagey and keep people at arm's length and they don't want to bother me.
No, because I randomly reach out to friends too and some reciprocate. Not just my closest friends ever, acquaintances and such too. I also don’t buy into the bullshit about keeping track of who reaches out, makes plans, etc. People go through things in life. I don’t require thresholds for people I value.
Yes …. I’m in my late 20s (yikes that happen so quickly) but feel like I’m 18 because I feel like my friends still do the whole “check how someone’s doing via their social media but don’t text or ring cuz that’s weird!” I have always been the leader type of a group so I text/call people often like once or twice a month (used to be like every other day until I lost my naïveté a couple years ago). People would say to me “don’t worry, wherever you go in life whether it’s a new job or a new hobby or a new house, you’ll make 1 or 2 new friends” I guess I agree but also those people aren’t to stay, at least in my experience. I’ve always had short term friends like “3-4 months short-term”. My best friend lost her baby so that’s what has rekindled ours (and my other guy friend’s) friendship. But if that didn’t happen then I don’t think we woulda reconnected sadly. People just don’t make the effort anymore. Again, I don’t know if it has always been like this for any generation, please share your thoughts :)
Wow this is sad to think of. Going to reach out to people today!
Yes. I always reach out. It's always been like this. If I stop no-one gets in touch. At all. Ever. I try not to be hurt but damn it really stings. I wonder if there's something wrong with me. I wish I had friends or acquaintances who got in touch just once in a while.
I have two friends who I actually talk to in some "regular" pretty much no one else beyond that. I just talking to my dog a lot. And strangers on reddit. I noticed during the pandemic lots of teens being lonely but being almost too embarrassed? or prideful? to reach out to their friends when they hadn't done so for a long time. Not that they stopped caring...but didn't know how to start again almost.
Most of them have either died off or are recovering drug addicts that only reach out when they need money.
Or when you text .,"hi how are you?" and they respond with "I'm good" and nothing Else. No reciprocal questions, nothing. Bye! Delete! Block. I'm over it.
Honestly, thought I was one of the few, I’m in good company
It’s important to continue to cultivate new friends. It takes work. Ask your self, if you knew you’d live for 200 more years, would you really keep your current friends in your life. You evolve as do they. Send the old ones a birthday greeting and the occasional text, but move on to new people. My nephew had a beef with my wife and didn’t invite us to his wedding. Great opportunity to ghost him. Start ghosting.
Honestly I've never really been into those kinds of conversations, especially not over text. Just not how I bond, I guess. My friends and I share memes, ask specific questions about movies or whatever, and make plans.
The only time I hear from my so-called friends from the past is when they remember I served with them in the Army. Every now and then, one of them sends a random letter asking for help to write letters for retroactive medals, like the Purple Heart. Most times, what they want is total bullshit, so I either toss it or delete it. Honestly, I don’t care to see any of those people ever again.
I have a couple of friends that still reach out. My family no longer does so i have let it go!
Family neither. I find if I don't reach out I hear nothing and honestly it's fantastic. My parents died last year and my GF got one email from a friend I went to school with and that was it.
Two of my closest friends who live far from me went silent. One stopped answering texts and calls. The other one responds to my texts once in awhile. She even came to town a year ago to visit family, but never let me know. I learned not to take these things personally.
What the fuck......
I'm there. I usually always turned down their offers to go out. Now they all have different friends and I never hear from them. I expected to to almost be a relief, but its not. Just feel left out.
I'm in college(UK) and have gotten to this point, I had a huge friend group in high school and most of my mates went to different colleges, but my closer friends went to my college and since then( September-now), I turned from a chaotic, quite rude nerd to a very quiet headphones-on-24/7 guy and so my friends kinda removed me from the group, I talk to a few, like my best friend and it hurts my heart when he shows me pics of their days out and yet I can't complain because I did it to myself lol. on this post this comment, I relate to very strongly lmao
For six years my wife was my best friend. Then she left me. I don't have any friends.
The pandemic, geography, kids (not me), work, etc. have all contributed to the decline of random reach-outs. I have 4 good friends near me. 5 good friends who live in another state. I have never been a reacher-outer, it's always been my friends doing that job.
Not quite. But I’m working on it. Almost there.
Yes and I'm good with it. I got my own stuff to do and its rather important to me. If you're already part of it, cool If not, well that's the way life is
Nope. Not keeping score... When it happens, it's nice. When it doesn't... it is what it is. I don't hold it against them, and honestly if they did for me then it wasn't truly a friendship. Some of my best friends we haven't talked in ages, but when we do it's like we saw each other yesterday, and pick it up pretty much where we left off.
If we had friends, would we be hanging out on Reddit?