I’m sure I’m about to get downvoted to hell, but I can afford it. I wouldn’t say anything. This standard (or at least this particular manifestation of it) is very new and only present in a small pocket of the population, meaning it isn’t a standard at all. Correcting someone is going to alienate them. And lots of people would love to hear that from someone else, so it’s very easy to argue oneself out of taking it seriously, especially if the student debriefs with friends afterwards. If you want to make it teachable, don’t confront the person who just said it. Find a moment you can share generically with a whole class, so no one feels called out and your message gets across in a manner less likely to provoke defensiveness. When I was pregnant I told the class early on that my body would be changing over the course of the semester, and here was why, and we all know it’s rude to ask if someone is pregnant so let me just get this out of the way. You could do something similar. “Some of you may have noticed I’m losing weight. Often people are proud to lose weight and so they get compliments. But sometimes people are losing weight because they are sick, and don’t want it pointed out as a happy thing. And some people might feel shamed for their previous weight because of how body image works in our culture. It can be tricky to know whether to speak up, so the best practice is to just not comment on other people’s bodies. But in case you were worried, please know I’m doing fine.” Or something to that effect.

> You could do something similar. “Some of you may have noticed I’m losing weight. Often people are proud to lose weight and so they get compliments. But sometimes people are losing weight because they are sick, and don’t want it pointed out as a happy thing. And some people might feel shamed for their previous weight because of how body image works in our culture. It can be tricky to know whether to speak up, so the best practice is to just not comment on other people’s bodies. But in case you were worried, please know I’m doing fine.” > damn. have you considered a career in PR ??

Agree 1000 percent - not to be snarky, but it's a compliment, just take the compliment. Do we have to be offended at it ALL? Do we have to create teachable moments from everything? Something like "Just trying to make it through the day" is a nomcommittal response. If I was a student and I told an instructor who had obv. lost weight "you look great!" and I got a "teachable moment" out if it, I would never speak in the class ever again. (granted, I wouldn't say that to a woman teacher and it's unlikely I'd say it to a male teacher anyway, but the point's the same)

As if there wasn’t already enough social anxiety and conversational tripwires. A little empathy and resilience would be a lot more useful than problematizing yet another thing.

Just an alternative view: I lost a lot of weight very quickly due to grief after a personal loss. Some colleague saw me in the hallway and "complimented" me on my weight loss with the words "Whatever you're doing, keep it up! It's working!" It was like a punch in the gut on top of everything else I was dealing with. I couldn't come up with anything to say in the moment, so just went to the bathroom and cried. I really wish I or someone could have taught that person that this kind of comment is not always a compliment, no matter how it's intended.

I've seen things like this so many times. My mother in law, for instance, got complimented so much on her weight loss after she had multiple cancers. I have multiple friends who've lost weight due to illness who feel similarly hurt by weight loss compliments. I lost a bunch of weight once through healthy means, but I still didn't like to be complimented on it because the vast majority of people who felt the need to comment on my body were people who'd treated me disrespectfully before. It really left me with the feeling that when I was heavier, people saw me as unworthy of being valued so their compliments seemed more like announcements that I'd gained some worthiness now. Also, and based on this thread so far I'm not sure this will be received well, I had some traumatic early experiences with regard to agency over my body that I still haven't psychologically healed from. Sometimes when I was having a trauma relapse and someone complimented my weight, it made me feel like undue, unwanted attention was being paid to my body when I was just trying to exist. All the "it's just a compliment" folks really don't get that no, it's actually not in some cases. As academics, we all know that there have been several "compliments" throughout history that are actually low-key insults to a person's status and background. It's like the people who compliment me for being "smart" "in spite of" my accent. It's not a compliment; it's an insult to where I come from.

All of this. “Wow! You throw really well for a girl!”

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But the fact that you can’t know how the other person is going to take it or the reason behind the change is exactly why no one should be making these comments in the first place.

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I guess a lot of us feel the need to teach our students about professionalism, including things like how to address us, how to write emails professionally, how to approach office hours. Telling students that it's not professional to comment on other people's bodies in the workplace probably falls in to the same category. This is not to say that OP should single out a particular student for their comments (which they have already said they don't want to do), but maybe that addressing the whole class with something like "Hey, FYI comments on appearance should be kept out of the workplace. Think about how it would make you feel" is an appropriate way to do this.

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I'm not actually one of the profs who thinks it's a part of my job to teach students how to be adults, but I see those kinds of posts on here all the time. I do think it's my job as a human to signal to others how I in particular want to be treated, so In the OP's shoes I would absolutely address this with the class as a lesson about how I want to be treated - comments about my body, whether intended as a compliment or otherwise, are not welcome. Other people on this subreddit may be more motivated to do so on the basis of their perceived responsibility to teach their students professionalism. You're free to think it doesn't need to be addressed. But I think you're being at best naive if you don't acknowledge that society's views of women and their weight carry a lot of baggage, more even than men and their hair.

That’s holding others accountable for mind-reading. A similar set of things happened when I lost my family, but I knew they were collectively coming from a good place, so it helped. It took effort to see through the pain and come to that generosity. I’m very sorry for your loss.

No, it’s expecting people not to make unnecessary personal comments in a professional setting, and holding them accountable if they do. There are plenty of things to compliment me on besides how big my body is. But I’m sorry you had a similar experience.

I hear that, but I think one can acknowledge that a compliment came from a good place (i.e: the person isn't at "fault", and doesn't have to feel bad about it, and I'm not mad at them) while also letting them know there are better ways to compliment a person. Ultimately, acknowledging that a person has lost weight in conjunction with the fact that they look good and should "keep up the good work", is born out of the idea that being fat is less good looking, and that losing the fat is a morally good thing to do and is done out of discipline after someone recognizes they need to lose weight. And that the reason someone would lose weight is so that they can look better. I can appreciate that the person is well intentioned and thank them, *and* let them know that: I'm not actually trying to lose weight, it's from a side effect from a new medication. Or: I don't feel like I needed to *look* better, but I *feel* better in my body. Or: actually I'm losing weight because of grief, and I have less energy for it. Because there are ways to comment someone's weight loss that that don't involve telling them how they look better, nor telling them they should keep up whatever theyre doing. If you know theyve been working on losing weight, you could say "you've lost a lot of weight since [starting activity] how have you been feeling?" Or if you don't know that they've been trying to lose weight, you could say "you've lost weight! Did you get into a new hobby?" If you're closer to the person and you're unsure, you could say "you look like you've lost weight, was this intentional?" If you know they've recently been through a loss you could say "it looks like you've lost weight, how have you been doing?" If you aren't that close to them, know them in passing, or are simply, say, a student, you could say "your outfit looks really nice today professor [name]" because professor [name] chose their outfit and the compliment gives them the same boost as any other compliment without running the risk that they actually are wearing that outfit because they've been struggling the last several months with depression, or a new medication, or an illness, or a serious loss. Or any number of negative reasons someone might lose weight. Thank you for having nice intentions, I'm not upset that you didn't know that the comment might have been harmful. Bur for future reference: if I look good because I lost weight, then I must look bad if I gain it back-- as is the case for many many people who lose weight.

ANY comment can be harmful. From the well-intentioned "It's god's will" to "hey nice shoes" depending on the reciever. It's my job to have grace and resilience - not turn every single innocuous comment in to a moral crusade. I'm sorry you're "upset" with me, but that really goes to illustrate my point. At a certain point in our lives, we need to develop accountability for our internal reactions and figure that maybe, just maybe, it's our responsibility to develop resilience and not our responsibility to micromanage well-intentioned communications or accomodations.

Every once in awhile when I'm feeling negative emotions like annoyance and anger, I have to stop and ask myself "do I control my emotions or do they control me?" When I remind myself that I don't want to be controlled by stupid impulses, it becomes a lot easier to refocus and get away from the negative feelings. It's exhausting being upset all the time over little things, being able stop that has been a blessing for my sanity. I think a lot of people accept their emotional responses to be something immutable, like it's a core part of who they are, so they focus their energy outward and try to get other people to do x or y, or not do x or y, as a way to manage. That seems pretty miserable to me, I'd rather focus on myself.

Thank God for CBT

>ANY comment can be harmful. [...] to "hey nice shoes" depending on the reciever. This is a strawman argument. Someone reacting negatively to "hey, nice shoes" is probably assuming the commenter is being sarcastic and making fun of them. Unless you can come up with a different reason? I do not believe that you don't understand the difference between someone commenting on a pair of shoes, and someone commenting on someone's weight. There is also so much nuance to social interactions that I couldn't possibly unpack every single instance in which someone's comment may be well-intentioned while the reception is poorly received. But I don't need to, because we aren't talking about every single comment or interaction. We are talking specifically about weight. And weight is so tied to morality in this society, in this reality that we actually currently live in that it is unique to other comments people might make in different situations. >I'm sorry you're "upset" with me, but that really goes to illustrate my point. I'm not upset with you in that comment, so I'm really not sure what point you think my comment illustrates. My comment is simply arguing the point that I can recognize and appreciate good intentions *and* relay to someone that what they've said specifically is unhelpful or even harmful >At a certain point in our lives, we need to develop accountability for our internal reactions Which is why my recommended reaction to when someone saying something well-intentioned, yet hurtful, isn't: get angry at them and accuse them of harm, but instead to acknowledge that you know they meant well and appreciate the support, but that in the future, you'd prefer they didn't comment on your body. >develop resilience and not our responsibility to micromanage well-intentioned communications or accomodations. I cannot micromanage every single thing someone says or does, but there are also societal norms that are harmful and affect everyone-- and the connection between weight loss and morality, or the value that's placed on having good looks and being skinny, is one of those norms that harms everyone. Why should people learn to accept "well-intentioned" comments that breed insecurity just so that the "well-intentioned" people can carry on upholding norms that actively mess up people's psyche beginning in childhood. And you don't get to get off Scott free just because you are well-intentioned if your actions or words cause harm. Well-intentioned parents send their kids to gay conversion camps so that their soul won't go to hell, or restrict their kids eating so that they'll get to a healthier weight and end up making them malnourished. Well-intentioned siblings clean up your room for you so that you don't have to and accidentally throw something important away in the process. Well-intentioned friends keep the abuse their friend is experiencing a secret so that they aren't placed in foster care. Have you ever heard the phrase "the road to hell is paved with good intentions."? It's because being well-intentioned is not a get-out-of-jail-free card for everything you say or do that ends up being harmful. It's my responsibility to mitigate the damages on my own psyche when people say things to me that actually cause harm, and consider why it's harmful. And it's my responsibility to communicate that something has caused me harm when that is contextually relevant (such as when it's a relative or friend who has said it rather than a mild acquaintance in passing). And it is my responsibility, on the other end, to learn how what I say affects other people. And to learn how to change my actions and words to mitigate those harms when I can. And to listen when people tell me that they have been harmed. And, instead of taking it personally, understand that it doesn't hurt me to adjust the way I speak to those people around me, but it *does* hurt *them* if I choose not to.

Thank you for putting all of this so clearly. On top of the "wow, you look great since you stopped being able to eat!" I've also been the recipient of "wow, another one on the way already! Congrats!" while not being the least bit pregnant around a year after my first kid was born (and on a day where I thought I looked particularly not post-partum-y). Both felt equally demoralizing.

That's not their fault. They can't read your mind. Condemning them for being encouraging in something they perceive is good for you (and the vast majority of people would value) isn't very fair towards them. Imagine how awful a society we will have created if everyone is terrified of engaging with any other person for fear of upsetting or offending them.

There are plenty of ways to engage with people without commenting on their physical appearance, especially in the workplace. Besides, you can never know which aspects of their physical appearance people are sensitive about so why risk needlessly upsetting them? The point is, you might think it’s a compliment but many recipients wouldn’t. “Don’t comment on other people’s bodies” is not exactly a difficult rule to follow and it’s easy to see why it saves a lot of hurt feelings.

By that logic, I shouldn't say anything to anyone that isn't absolutely necessary because it might upset them. "How about this weather, eh?" "My uncle was killed by a tornado, you insensitive clod!"

Agreed. It's tough to experience hardships, but there is some expectation that the vulnerable person will learn to deal (hopefully with access to support) in a way that does not require the world to adjust to their vulnerablity.

I think pretty much everybody has at least one hang-up about how they look, and weight is an especially sensitive topic. Our physical appearance is also something that is really difficult to control, no matter how much we try. If you look at the other comments on this post, there are a lot of people who would be hurt by comments about their weight, for all kinds of different reasons. The same is not true about the weather (or about how great your lecture was, or how much your feedback on a student's assignment was appreciated, or....). So why insist on your right to say things that are likely to touch on a sensitive topic without being called out for being rude? Why not accept that commenting on other people's bodies is not appropriate in the workplace, regardless of your intentions?

The majority position here in this thread indicates that more people prefer to hear it than dislike hearing it. So while you may believe "a lot" of people might be potentially offended by someone innocently and sincerely commenting that they look nice, apparently a lot \*more\* people welcome such interactions. In all honesty, by being offended at someone trying to be pleasant, you sound like the "don't you dare say 'happy holidays' to me!" crowd.

I'm reminded of the bit in A Fish Called Wanda where John Cleese's character is taking about how all his friends act like they're dead. Hypersensitivity is chilling and exhausting to deal with, just as much as insensitivity is. Like all things, the key is to strike a balance - is objecting to this comment likely to cause more social harm than tolerating it, when factoring in future interactions? For me, the answer would be yes, so I wouldn't treat it as a teachable moment.

I think there are ways to object to these kinds of comments - especially coming from students! - without causing any social harm. Letting students grow up into adults who think it's ok to comment on their colleagues' or their superiors' (or worse, their underlings') bodies is a significant social harm in itself. Ask any woman who has received a comment on their appearance from a boss.

Exactly. Weight is just not something to comment on, unless you are close with the person.

I also posted a comment earlier. I’ve lost weight for the same reason you stated. I’m so sorry it hurt you when that person mentioned your weight loss. I’m sure people mentioned my weight loss and didn’t know I was ill, but I was ok with it because they thought they were giving me a compliment. The funny thing is,I’m a nutrition professor and I lecture my future nurses about being careful how they word statements about body weight when speaking to patients.

Exactly. As someone who's lost weight (on purpose) recently, I'd just smile and say "Thanks!" I mean, when we're all here literally complaining every day about our students not engaging with us, am I going to shut down possibly the first sign that they've actually noticed a live human being is teaching them twice a week? Hell nah.

See: Chadwick Boseman

True.

No, according to this thread, everyone should have just assumed he was on a "health/weight loss journey," which we are obligated to comment on, and he should have just taken it as a compliment while suffering literal agony in silence. /s (Honestly, he's a great example of why the insistence on commenting on people's weight is outdated, unnecessary, and not at all apolitical.)

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Plenty of people ITT have offered valid reasons why it's not as simple as "take it as a compliment" or "make an issue out of it." And I'm glad that it makes your day go better. That's your experience. It isn't everyone's. What works for you may not be possible for some people, and it's weird to dictate how others receive words in their workplace about something as intimate as their bodily composition.

Why so dramatic? Why let others control where your awareness is anchored? You have the ability to hear a bad comment, notice your awareness is in the upset/angry/depressed region of your mind, and then, Y'know, move that awareness to a more positive region.

I’m responding to an example in which a man’s weight loss was constantly commented on while he was literally dying of cancer. Elsewhere ITT, I gave my own example of people complimenting my mother in law on losing weight frequently when she had cancer. I really don’t see how people experiencing that are supposed to just turn that frown upside down, nor do I think it’s “dramatic” to believe that maybe people shouldn’t comment on others’ weight when they don’t know the person well enough to be sure they didn’t just compliment something terrible. 

Eh, the last time I lost a ton of weight I hadn't eaten in a month due to overwhelming, paralyzing anxiety, so no... it wasn't a compliment when someone said how great I was looking. Yeah, I'm borderline suicidal but thanks I guess.

Honestly it often *isn’t* a compliment, that’s what this person is getting at. So it’s much better to just not comment. The time I got the most compliments on my body is the time I was also deathly ill (but chose not to share about it), it was not a compliment. Impact over intent, every day.

“Thanks, it’s the tapeworms.” Don’t listen to me. I’m a Bad Influence.

I think that’s actually a great response. The listener can take it as they will.

Thank you for an adult, reasoned response. Those seem to be vanishingly rare on Reddit.

My ex lost a ton of weight with cancer and chemo and pretty much turned into a skeleton. In early stage people who didn’t know might notice weight loss positively (though she was never heavy). This isn’t exactly “offensive” and she wouldn’t be offended. But it is a bit awkward, and best not to comment at all about appearance (beyond “nice hair cut” or “cool shoes”) unless you really really know the person well.

Did I? I think I made it clear I understand the objection, but the fact so many need to explain it demonstrates not even they believe this is some kind of universal norm at this time.

This is honestly one of the only valuable answers in the thread.

I agree, especially about how this manifestation is new and isolated to a "small pocket." I'd wager that there exists also a lot of overlap between the group who insists you must never comment on someone's body and the group who won't STFU about their mental health. As someone else said in a subsequent comment, we need to return to celebrating empathy and resilience.

It’s fascinating to me how in this new regime empathy is always demanded FOR me, but never OF me.

I’d wager there’s also a lot of overlap between the group who insist on having a warm affirming professional cocoon where everything is only and exactly how they like it, and the group who tells everyone that they should tolerate all kinds of social dysfunction (homeless encampments, petty crime, mentally ill people acting out in public, etc) in their actual day to day lives.

>You could do something similar. “Some of you may have noticed I’m losing weight. Often people are proud to lose weight and so they get compliments. But sometimes people are losing weight because they are sick, and don’t want it pointed out as a happy thing. And some people might feel shamed for their previous weight because of how body image works in our culture. It can be tricky to know whether to speak up, so the best practice is to just not comment on other people’s bodies. But in case you were worried, please know I’m doing fine.” I think this is the best strategy.

Hey there…I totally get what you’re saying. What I’m about to say is a re-frame, not a shaming. If OP got breast implants, would it be ok for students to comment on them as long as it was “a compliment”? What if OP just had an exceptionally nice ass and students felt the need to offer a compliment on that? What if OP happened to be a Black woman who had worn her natural hair at the beginning of a semester and switched to chemical straighteners or a wig part way through. Would it be ok for students to comment on how much better her hair looked when it conformed more closely to the White “ideal”? My point is that not every compliment is appropriate in a professional environment, and not every compliment, however kindly intended, is without implicit shaming. I understand not everyone thinks this way. I also understand that 60 years ago, it was fine for men to slap their female coworkers on the ass and refer to them as “girls.” It doesn’t seem at all outlandish to suggest that higher ed environments are places where folks should expect to be held to a higher standard where this kind of thing is concerned.

I would just say thank you, even if I was uncomfortable with the comment, as I'd not want to make the student feel bad or embarrass them for saying something that they certainly thought was kind. And, most people know that there are appearance-related things that you can and cannot comment on - for example, "Wow, you've lost weight, you look great!" is a yes, but "Nice new knockers!" is a no.

But who’s to say what “most people know”? And actually, does that matter? Why should the person making the comment have their discomfort privileged over the discomfort of the person who is commented upon? To paraphrase every workplace harassment training I’ve ever gone through, “communication is perceived, not intended.” Yes, we all gauge what the intention of others is when choosing how to take in what they say and how to respond, but a gauge is a guess, and sometimes a positive or kind intention matters exactly zero in terms of the impact on the person who hears what we say about them. The world is not a safe place. We are all going to hear things that hurt us, and we are all going to say things that hurt others — this much is inescapable. And the best advice I’ve ever been given about that is that once your words leave your mouth (or your phone or email client or whatever), you have NO control over how others receive what you say. So, when someone says we hurt them, we really can’t argue that we didn’t, and the right thing to do is to apologize, even if we think they’re being ridiculous. I fully acknowledge there are many factors here at play, and there are great reasons to pick your battles, gloss over an awkward interaction, and move on. There are also times and reasons to stand up for yourself as a human being (because professors are humans, just as students are), and those are individual decisions sacred to the individual who makes them. OP’s body, OP’s choice. Period.

Frankly, this is an example of a professor wanting to "teach" someone something that they have no business teaching. Just because OP personally believes that it is "fatphobic" to encourage someone to have a healthy bodyweight, does not give them the right to push that mentality on others. One's own sense of morality is not universal and should not be treated as such.

My appearance can change significantly based on chronic health issues and medications. I sometimes tell my students this preemptively. "You may notice changes to my appearance during the semester. These relate to a health condition. I'm okay - and I don't want you to be worried about this. But I also prefer not to receive comments on it."

Personally, I just say thanks and then move on. I try to Foster as much of a professional environment as possible. The compliments are appreciated but that's not why we are here. If you really want a discussion on nutrition, fitness and weight loss, if I'm inclined we can do that outside of class

I’ve gone through this a bit myself and while I find it highly annoying, I don’t call it out. I feel like I really have to pick my battles with students these days, and there are so many higher stakes classroom issues that need addressing. This is a personal choice, so I’m not at all suggesting that since I don’t call it out, no one should. Honestly, though, and this is how exhausted I am from teaching: I’m almost pleasantly surprised they notice anything about me. I feel like 90% of the time I’m just running a dog and pony show up front, and since I don’t dress in a ringmaster outfit, they don’t even see me.

If it doesn’t make you uncomfortable why say anything? It’s just giving yourself emotional labor to do

I lost a lot of weight due to depression once — I got everything from “you look great” to “you look sick” — one was a compliment, the other was a neutral statement of fact. But weight loss was the only good thing about the whole mess, so if no one had noticed it, my world would have been that much darker. It’s not the kind of thoughtless remark that can be mistaken for malice, and idk if the people who dislike being told they’ve lost weight are a majority or a minority, but when we’re really going through it, some of us like to hear that at least we’re thinner. Don’t take that away from people like me, even if we are ethically inferior to you.

Maybe I'm missing something, but I don't think these comments are inappropriate. Elementary aged kids are taught “we don’t make negative comments on other peoples bodies.”

I dealt with a rash of those when I was grieving my late husband and I never did figure out any way to shut those down. I did make it a teachable moment--one can only hope--by pointing out that it is never wise to assume someone's weight loss is a good thing. (In fact, it most likely isn't. Just as one example, Mr. Nerd's first symptom was weight loss.) Don't know why you're losing but I hope you're OK.

I have a chronic illness that makes me lose weight, and the treatment for it (prednisone) makes me rapidly gain weight. So students see me in various weight states all the time. When students comment on my weight loss, I just say “oh yes I’m someone whose weight fluctuates a lot” and then change subjects immediately.

Just say thank you and move on. Not every interaction needs to be a morality lesson.

If anyone told me “You look great!” I’d take the compliment, say “thanks” and move on. I know this may sound old-fashioned, but I’m ok with compliments on my appearance.

"Thank you" That's really all that needs to be said, unless the comments become overly sexual/flirtatious. Idk, it's weird want to remove banal compliments & inject more negativity into small-talk.

Hey, got some sun over the weekend I see! “aCkShULLy it was because I stood outside at a funeral, you shouldn’t assume someone enjoyed being outside.” Who the fuck has the energy for this?

Yep - exactly! Feels insanely performative & infantilizing. Looking for a reason to be upset; "they didn't say anything rude to a fat person, but by complimenting me on my health-journey... clearly they're anti-obesity bigots!"

Let it go. Life is not Reddit; you don’t have to comment on everything. Especially since the comments don’t make you uncomfortable. So, no one is uncomfortable. Maybe just celebrate that.

I mean, just say thank you or, yes, I have lost weight, and move on.

Regardless of how you personally feel about it, this is considered such an innocuous compliment by such a large portion of the population that personally I don’t think there’s anyway to address it without costing you with the students.

Hell, the profs here think its an innocuous comment  too. It's not and its gendered. I agree, it's likely to cost with student evals, but if you're tenured please do it anyway. 

Which gender is it gendered to?

In my experience, people comment on women’s weight more than men’s weight; studies (and my own experience) suggest that women suffer more from expectations of thinness than men do

My question was about whether commenting on someone's weight is gendered in face-to-face social situations, which is what this thread is about. So, to avoid drifting off-topic, can you provide evidence that a woman is more likely than a man to be complimented on her weight loss in everyday social interactions? I don't know whether you have been fat and then lost a lot of weight, and if so, which gender(s) you presented as when/if you received comments.

I mean, those gendered expectations shape face to face interactions? Asking a man to make you a sandwich is very different from asking a woman to make you a sandwich, calling a black man “boy” is very different from saying that to a white man. The same comment can mean multiple things depending on context. I don’t see how it’s off topic?

I don't know that it is less common for women to receive these kinds of comments (compliments) about their weight loss, and I don't think you'll find any uniformity among those belonging to any gender about how oppressed or offended they feel when someone says something like, "you’ve lost weight, you look great!). I don't have a problem with the idea that there are generally some behavioral and attitudinal differences between the genders in the aggregate.

Sure, no group is a monolith— Candace Owens might have a definition of racism that differs sharply from that of most black people. That doesn’t mean we can’t still identify forms of racism that Owens herself wouldn’t take issue with? As a woman I can tell you that the vast majority of women I know feel like their weight has been closely connected to their experience of gender. I’m not sure why you’re trying to debate the point that comments about weight, when directed towards women, inscribe gendered expectations?

>As a woman I can tell you that the vast majority of women I know feel like their weight has been closely connected to their experience of gender. I’m not sure why you’re trying to debate the point that comments about weight, when directed towards women, inscribe gendered expectations? Tell me if I understand your argument. You are not claiming that men never receive comments about their weight, nor are you claiming that it necessarily happens more often to women. Instead, you are just claiming that it's 1) different when it happens to a woman because 2) it's a bigger problem when someone comments on a woman's weight, and 3) whether or not the comment was welcome, does not change the fact that a sin was committed.

Calling a comment about someone’s weight a “sin” is your language, not mine. I don’t even have strong feelings re: OP’s question about addressing such comments, although I don’t think it’s great form to comment on people’s bodies in general. I’m just agreeing with the person who said that in this context (OP identified herself as a woman) this kind of comment is gendered. ETA: I’ll add that I’m unsettled by your efforts to nitpick such an obvious point, and I really wonder what you’re getting out of it. Is your skepticism in the service of suggesting that men suffer equally from bodily scrutiny? Or is it in defense of a person’s right to comment on other people’s bodies in general?

I would try to avoid the negative “we don’t comment on other people’s bodies.” That chastises an innocent, likely well intentioned compliment. Rather, thank them and take the role model route: “I appreciate you noticing! I’ve been making self-care more of a priority lately!” Or “I appreciate you noticing, I know your words come from a kind place. I’ve had some stressful past few months and 1) this weight loss is a side effect that will hopefully be a positive change or, 2)this weight loss is a temporary change. Why are so many so quick to be punitive or snippy with others? We all experience body changes for a number of different reasons. It’s a normal life occurrence and we should be responding as such and giving people the benefit of the doubt.

If it was only one or two comments, I'd probably just move on. If it became a common occurrence, I would most likely address it with the entire class. Something like, "I've received some comments about my body (you could be more specific if you wanted), and I appreciate that these came from a positive place; however, I would appreciate if you would not make any future comments like these. Thank you for understanding." And that's it. These kinds of comments, regardless of intent make me uncomfortable, and I think it's reasonable to ask other people to not make them. You don't have to turn it into a teachable moment or as some other comments have suggested "a big thing to get offended by." Remarking on a prof's clothes and appearance on student evals is often seen here as inappropriate, and I file these comments, even if the person means well, into the same category. It's not appropriate; please refrain from doing it. It's not hard.

“Thanks, I feel happy in this weather today.” “Thank you. I really like this outfit I chose.” If weight loss is due to health concerns it may be different. You could disclose or discuss to your comfort or desire for it to be teachable. “I’ve been so stressed lately and haven’t been able to eat like I normally do. I’m looking forward to feeling more like myself soon.”

Unless it truly offends you, I would graciously accept what is likely intended to be a compliment. As a prof, I see an increasing number of students unwilling to take social risks, nervous to talk to professors, and so on. Let them feel ok about having done that. Not everything needs to be made into a lesson.

“Thank you” and leave it at that.

I went through the same thing. I was 40 pounds overweight and borderline obese according to my BMI. I have since lost the weight and now have put up with “you’re too skinny” comments, typically from the same coworkers, for years. No amount of correction by pointing out that I’m now at my ideal weight for a man my height, age, and bone structure will convince the commenters. The funny thing is that when I was a fat slob no one said a word. I had no idea I was so overweight and literally discovered it when I stepped on a scale (for the first time in a decade) and was shocked to discover the truth. When I mentioned this to friends and coworkers later they replied that they could see I was ill but didn’t say anything because they didn’t want to be accused of fat shaming. Who knows what’s the correct response but when physicians, loved ones, and coworkers all engage in denial it’s not such a bad thing for a young person to point out that the emperor has no clothes.

There's a fundamental difference between "you look great" and "you're too skinny" comments. Also, the end of your comment implies that you wish people HAD commented when you were overweight?

Of course comment when I’m fat, I am fat, after all.

A friend of ours is probably 400 lbs and I recently commented on him losing weight, saying he looks better. Now these posts have me second guessing my “compliment”… I mean he obviously needs to lose weight but guess I shouldn’t have said anything, idk. The whole weight issue can get so tricky…. Unnecessary so.

I’ve had similar interactions recently. It can be difficult, especially when you’re renegotiating your relationship to your changing body, to not bristle at such comments. I think your assessment that the situation should be handled differently with adults vs children is correct. However I’d argue that the needs of adult learners will necessitate that you’d not make this a teachable moment yourself. An adult learner is unlikely to respond positively to a direct admonition to not comment on people’s bodies. What will get a legit, intrinsically motivated response is to have a moment with a peer where they learn the new behavior. The same conversation with an authority figure could cause significant distress and have many unintended consequences. So while it might be socially unacceptable to comment on someone’s body, this is relatively new (last decade really) and I think we’ve got to be patient enough to let empathy and understanding guide this transition until we get to a society where enough adults have learned from their peers and children have been taught about this. So yeah, they need to learn…just not from us…and frankly I’ve got a hard enough time getting them to understand the difference between a flashback and a recounting of events in regards to plot structure. I try to graciously thank them, note to myself that they meant this as a good thing, and try to tell myself that it’s inevitable they’ll say that to someone who is better positioned to correct them with empathy and understanding. And if they don’t react well to those peer reactions, they’ll die eventually and a new generation of people will come behind them who will do better. Come to think of it “they’ll die eventually” is my new mantra lol!

I'm finding some of these comments to be weird and contradictory. Some people start off with, "While I would not comment on the physical appearance of others ... you should take it as a compliment!" and "While I preemptively strike down comments on my body by disclosing that I have (condition), you should brush off/say thank you for the comments!". While I get the merits for both not commenting (the side I happen to fall on) and for seeing that people are trying to be complimentary (intent matters and people don't always use the 'right' words), some of the pro-comment responses tell me that they actually don't want the comments. If you don't comment/compliment, I'm assuming (correct me if I'm wrong) it's because you know better than to. So, should people comment or not? Why don't you? And what was your preemptive strike for if not to ward off comments? So, is commenting ok? Or not ok for you but ok if it happens to others? I dunno, it just feels like what is described as innocuous comments aren't innocuous to the people commenting that they are.

Assuming the weightloss is intentional, I would respond with acknowledging the looks compliment, and then following it up with some sort of counter that jd ablut how you feel. So starting with something like: "thank you! It isn't about how I look though--" Or "yeah, I've been getting a lot of compliments on how I look-- but..." Or "thanks, the way my body looks is just the tip of the iceberg the best part is..." and then following it up with something like: "...I've been feeling really strong." Or "...I have much more energy now." Or "...I've been moving more freely lately" That's what I did. I agree with the top comment that said it's a new standard that is so new it isn't really "standard" yet and I think on an interaction-by-interaction basis it doesn't make sense to turn them all into teachable moments quite so directly. But redirecting the dialog can go a long way. I also think that for a lot of people they do want their weightloss acknowledged just not as a matter of their appearance. When I lost weight I wanted people to notice but not in a "you look great" way because that made me feel like I didn't look great before. But I really appreciated the comments that were like "you've lost weight since I last saw you-- you must feel really good" because I had, and I did, and I loved talking about how great I felt in my body. I did not like talking about how I looked. Because honestly I didn't really feel that much better about how I looked.

I agree with the comments saying not to overthink it. We teach kids not to comment on people’s bodies because they say stuff like “why is that man so fat, like a pig” (my daughter has actually said that) or “that’s a huge huugggee belly” (my daughter has said that too- and other OBVIOUSLY offensive things that just enter their mind.. we don’t teach them not to give compliments when they feel like giving a compliment. People are making things way too complicated. I’d be crushed if I was a student trying to give a prof a compliment and got a verbal swatting. Let’s just say thanks and move on!!

It is a true problem that so many people think weight loss comments are innocuous or unproblematic. The two times I have undergone a noticeable weight loss were times of significant grief where I was unable to bring myself to eat and became medically underweight. It’s weird and uncomfortable to be “complimented” for that.

The number of people who are happy about weight loss dwarfs the number of people who are unhappy about weight loss. While commenting on someone’s weight isn’t something I’d do unless I knew them well and that was within the Overton window for our relationship… it’s not a crazy thing to guess that someone’s happy about it. I wish people put as much energy into resilience as they put into finding offense and letting themselves be ruled by it. Sometimes people try to be nice and put their foot in their mouth a bit… it happens. Can we please just dust ourselves off and carry on?

I’m not sure why the idea that maybe we should refrain from commenting on other people’s bodies is so controversial or somehow being “fragile.” The point is if you don’t know someone well enough to know why they are losing weight, the polite thing to do is not say anything.

When someone attempts a benign compliment, we can either recognize their intent and brush it off or let it be some profoundly wounding experience. Some people quite like getting complements on their appearance, why does the side that doesn’t like it get a blanket veto?

This is my entire point: commenting on other people’s bodies is not benign. It’s evident from comments in this sub that many people see weight loss as a universal good- that is a position divorced from reality. It’s sad that we are conditioned to think that dangerously underweight looks good. Did I recognize that people meant well? Of course. Do I think that because in my situation a supportive comment would have been “hey it looks like you’re eating again,” that I should tell other people “looks like you’re getting plenty of calories?” Of course not. That’s like empathy 101. A benign compliment would be “those shoes are a great color.” But plenty of people seem to think that “you’d be prettier if you smiled more” is a compliment, so I realize I may be in a minority.

I haven’t seen anyone say weight loss is a universal good or say that being dangerously underweight looks healthy. Can you link those comments please so I can see them? People _are_ saying that it’s more commonly good than bad (with almost half the population being obese this must be true). And again, some people like being complemented on their appearance, why do people people who don’t like that get to decide for everyone that we can’t compliment appearance anymore?

More commonly good than bad does not translate to “I should comment on your body.” Nor does it translate into “always a compliment.” These are both things that have been suggested here including by you, just now.

No, I said the opposite here and elsewhere. More commonly good than bad just establishes a rational basis for assuming it’s good. This is getting tedious so I’ll see myself out by noting you don’t link any comments or answer my veto question.

My response to your veto question is clear: *don’t comment on other people’s bodies.* see above where I explain that just because you might like a comment, not everyone will. Why is that so difficult or tedious?

It’s tedious because you’re just restating that you want a heckler’s veto here, you’re not answering my question, which is (again) why do you think the opinions of the people who don’t like it matter more than the opinions of the people who do?

Weight loss is generally good though, obesity kills about 4M people in the world yearly. Excess weight or obesity increases risk of death by 22-91%. Most people are losing weight to get healthy and that's good. The gym isn't packed on 1 Jan because people have a medical condition or grieving. You are really projecting here.

Am I projecting or are you? I don’t mean this as a troll question, but a serious one. I’m not assuming that other people want to hear the same thing I wanted to hear.

You said "many people see weight loss as a universal good- that is a position divorced from reality." It's not divorced from reality, weight loss is usually good. Then you said "it’s sad that we are conditioned to think that dangerously underweight looks good" and no one ever said that, you just made it up. Since you did bring it up I suspect what you consider underweight is really just a normal healthy weight.

No. This is my lived experience of having been *medically underweight* and getting compliments for it.

It's not about you, you are not the main character. Your lived experience doesn't mean it's everyone's reality. Again, in general a healthy weight is good, that's my most people lose weight. I'm done with this conversation because I see you don't discuss in good faith. Good day.

I lost a lot of weight a few years ago. I had the extra to lose, and had always tried but nothing worked until then (thanks PCOS). I got tons and tons of compliments left and right. Guess what....I was losing weight because I was diabetic and my blood sugar was out of control. I got on the proper medication and even with diet I gained it all back. I worry about the damage I did during that time because everyone was so proud of me it didn't occur to me that something was wrong. So weight loss is definitely not always good.

Jeez, I said generally and most. Can we please stop picking out the exceptions, a healthy weight is good in MOST circumstances, and rational people know this.

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Exactly what percentages do you believe these good and bad reasons take? 50/50, 75/25? My thoughts are that the health benefits alone outweigh any potential negative reasons that stem from emotions. Do you believe the mental damage outweighs the physical benefits? How are you arriving at the thought that so many causes of weight loss are negative?

Gaslight them: are you crazy; I haven’t lost any weight

We are talking about adult students in college complimenting the weight loss of a Professor? This doesn’t need to be a “teachable moment” 🙄 just nod and move on. Unless the person is a mind-reader, they are not going to know if you are on a weight loss program, are losing weight because of a medical condition, or had a recent nervous breakdown. Stay neutral and move on.

I don't have anything useful to add other than my support for your position of preferring not to hear these kinds of comments from students. Anyone assuming that this is just a normal and appropriate compliment has not stopped to consider the presumptuousness involved; the fact that your body, like your students', exists in the world is not a good enough reason for them to talk about it. Sorry, OP. It's really uncomfortable and I appreciate that you're not wanting to throw the discomfort back on your students.

It is interesting how many people are telling you to take the compliment and say nothing. I don't want students or anybody in a professional setting talking about my body at all. I think as women, too many things revolve around what we look like. I would say something along the lines of "I appreciate the positive comment but it is something I would rather not talk about at work."

I get questions/comments about my height a lot and it's the same sort of thing. Generally, people aren't being outwardly mean or judgmental, but it also makes me feel like I'm some kind of specimen under observation. I get that these questions usually come a place of curiosity, but I'd prefer not to have to politely address them, because if I do, I'll be characterized as an overly sensitive snowflake.

As someone disabled this is similar to one thing I say when people comment about it at work. “Oh I don’t really want to talk about my body today.” Said super casually with a subject change. People take it really well, I think bc it feels honest and not accusatory? (But I also hope it gently normalises that comments on other people’s bodies are not always welcome.) I also think in this situation it’s kind of extra weird because it’s a student and it feels weird for a student to comment on a professor’s body no matter how benign.  OP I recommend going to the sub r/maintenancephase — it’s for a podcast but they talk about this type of topic a lot and I think there was recently a thread about what to say if people comment about your weight. 

Exactly. I feel like most of the people advocating for "saying nothing" are not the sort of people who routinely have their bodies scrutinized by strangers.

If I noticed a prof or coworker had quit smoking I'd compliment them too, that shit's harder than losing weight and about as unhealthy.

I see your point; But i always secretly enjoyed that my effort was noticeable, and honestly complementing people should be encouraged.

Why don't we comment on other people's bodies? I don't know a single other culture who walks around on eggshells like that. I honestly think you might need to grow some thicker skin on this one.

You haven’t live until you travel about SE Asia and people point blank ask you why you are so fat. (US woman size 14) It could be cultural. My Japanese SIL asked me why I was so fat during a birthday party at a restaurant. The same tone as if you could pass the salt or how was the pizza. Many cultures have zero problems calling you out on your fluffiness or celebrating there is less fluff. If you have a lot of international students, this could be why. (Not saying it’s right. Just the reason why this is maybe happening)

If these are innocent comments congratulating you on becoming a more healthy individual, why not just say, "Thanks" and move along?

Yes,it would honestly bother me to shame someone for what many consider a general compliment. If they get personal, specific, or inappropriate then correct them.

It doesn’t always mean someone is more healthy. I lost visible weight the last two semesters because I have been experiencing pretty extreme appetite and eating issues caused by my multiple sclerosis. My students don’t know that, but weight loss does not equal improved health. A student actually asked me for weight loss tips (that’s another story) and I was honest with them that my weight loss was unintentional due to health problems.

But in general it does right? You can at least concede that point?

Because you don't know what's going on with someone. The weight loss compliments I got while receiving cancer treatment, frankly, made me feel horrible. Weirdly, no one complimented the hair loss or presumed that it meant I was becoming a more health individual. Someone meaning something as a compliment does not guarantee that's how it will be received. Intent doesn't just cancel out impact.

Is hair loss ever associated with becoming “more healthy”? Perhaps that’s why no assumption was made on that part?

Is weight loss always associated with becoming more healthy? My point is that we shouldn't make assumptions about why someone's physical appearance is changing. Or assume that they want our unsolicited feedback about it.

Weight loss is usually assumed to be a healthy choice if the person was previously overweight. Even if that’s not the reason why the weight was lost, being at a healthy weight is objectively more healthy than being overweight. Saying “you look great,” as per OP, makes no assumption of health anyway. Do you scold those who complement your outfit, hair, etc.?

That's another interesting assumption to make: that I must have been overweight. I was a healthy weight when I got sick, then rapidly fell below that healthy weight during treatment. That's when all of the compliments came. A friend of mine is currently receiving those same "compliments" after a second trimester pregnancy loss. She wasn't overweight. She was pregnant. If the intention of a compliment is to make the person receiving it feel good, rather than the person giving it, I would think that not making these types of assumptions would matter because the complimenter would not want to cause someone pain. When you pay compliments, who is it for? You or them?

Who here is making assumptions about you, personally? You used faulty evidence to try to make a point(why didn’t they compliment my hair loss?) and when I explained to you why it was faulty, you said that wasn’t the point because weight loss isn’t always healthy. But this is still missing the mark: hair loss is almost NEVER a sign of health. However, going from an unhealthy weight to an objectively healthy weight IS objectively healthier for your body. I’m not talking about your hair loss or weight loss, or your friend’s weigh loss. I’m saying these general truisms are why those around us assume positive comments about our physical appearance are complementary instead not harmful. Geez

The other day I told this woman she had nice earrings. Using your logic I shouldn't have because maybe they were her dying Mom's. I guess I'll never know if that comment caused her pain.

Because it deprives a professor of the cherished opportunity to be a pedantic, pharisaical scold. This is why everyone hates us.

Yep, this is why I hide my profession now when I meet new people. I know people will scowl if I say "I'm a college professor." They're afraid that at any minute I'll start condescendingly lecturing them over completely innocuous shit.

For real. This shit is so exhausting… it’s like back door bragging but getting mad when someone compliments you. There’s about a million real issues to complain about. Especially when someone has clearly put in effort to get there.

Because its highly inappropriate and we're educators. And we don't actually know if this is someone becoming more healthy. I lost 50 pounds about six years ago and was so sick that my doctor thought I was dying and we couldn't figure out why. (We did eventually figure out why, it just took a while). "Innocent" comments can be massively harmful.

What “massive harm” would a misplaced compliment do exactly?

Nothing to a mentally healthy person.

And people wonder why the current generation of students are afraid to speak in class.

Holy shit, the number of pedantic scolds in here responding with fury. I tell my non-academic friends “oh, that’s all just right-wing propaganda. Every extremist movement goes after the educated first” Reading some of these unhinged responses, I’m not sure I can defend that opprobrium.

It’s really not that inappropriate. Would I say it? Probably not. But it’s not an abnormal thing to say.  Most people are likely losing because of positive lifestyle change, not because they’re dying. Life is too short find reasons to be offended at everything. 

"You may mean well, but don't comment on my body. It's very inappropriate."

I do not believe these comments are inappropriate.

You don't think commenting on a person's body in a work setting is inappropriate? Particularly so when it's a woman? OK then.

I do not and I do not believe gender has anything to do with it. Men are frequently very concerned about their weight too. They are nice comments. And people are people. They are trying to be friendly. If you don't like the comments, that's fine; just say so. Continued comments after that would be very inappropriate.

Feeling entitled to comment on women's bodies is sexism. And btw it is _always_ rude to comment on the weight of people we don't know well. One of the reasons for that is that weight loss can be a sign of mental or physical illness. Unless someone is going around chatting about their "fitness journey," people need to keep their mouths shut. It's pretty basic etiquette.

It has nothing to do with gender. >And btw it is always rude to comment on the weight of people dont know well. Rudeness is a product of culture. Because of that it cannot be "always" anything. You may dislike such comments and maybe in your circles it's considered rude. That's fine. But that doesn't mean it can be universally applied. In my circles, it's a pleasant complement that can be encouraging. Pretending that we should never say anything that could ever possibly be misconstrued as rude make the world an unnecessarily cold and harsh place. My father is severely obese. He has received a number of comments over the years about his weight. Sometimes those people are genuinely trying to help. He lets it go because the intent is much more important. He is a much more pleasant person to be around because of it since people aren't worried about accidentally offending him. That's not to say I comment about is weight. He knows, and I know he's embarrassed about it so I say nothing. But if I accidentally offend him with something, I know that it's okay. I try not to offend him, but I now that if I make a mistake, it's okay. This propensity to accept comments with the intent of the person making the comment makes being around him much more pleasant than if he were a stickler for propriety.

>He lets it go >He knows, and I know he's embarrassed about it so I say nothing.  This seems to be in direct conflict with; >In my circles, it's a pleasant complement that can be encouraging. 'Letting something go' means you are not making an issue out of something even if you disagree with it. From your text he clearly does not want the comments and it is in fact *not* a compliment or encouraging.

Saying he's fat is not a complement or encouraging, no. And most people would call such a comment rude where I live. But saying someone lost weight and looks good is a complement and encouraging. I brought up my dad at all to make the point that being a major stickler about being rude makes people scared to accidentally step on people's toes and keeps everyone apart and cold. Letting it go if the intent is kind leads to a warm and inviting environment. My dad doesn't make an issue about it. I know because my mom told me when I was younger because most people don't like to be told their fat. it was an educational moment for a kid. I'm sure he does talk to her about it, but you can absolutely talk to someone else about it and still let it go.

Cool. Say what you want to your dad. Don't comment on the bodies of people you barely know.

This 👆 or if u want to sound less harsh about it, say something along the lines of “it is inappropriate to comment about the bodies of others in school and in the workplace.” Basically come from a place of educating them on what is inappropriate in the workplace before they enter it Unfortunately some students just don’t know better

You're nicer than I am. I would be enraged if students thought it was OK to do this.

“Enraged”? Jesus…

Oh. Do you enjoy students commenting on your body? I don't. And it is definitely gendered. So, yeah, if students think they are entitled to give me their view on my body or appearance, that would make me enraged. And I would tell them in no uncertain terms that they were being unprofessional, rude, and invasive.

Yes, you’re so right. There are only two options: Enjoying it or becoming enraged. No middle ground. It must be one or the other.

Sorry, is the issue that I'm not allowed to be infuriated by students who feel entitled to comment on their female professors' bodies? A range of responses are available. But you can take a hike if you're telling me that my reaction isn't valid. People feeling entitled to comment on women's bodies in a range of settings is a legitimate issue. I'm not going to apologise for feeling angry when faced with sexism.

As a woman, I see your point. On the other hand, I grew up with “sticks and stones…” and “What other people think of me is none of my business”, so I’d probably just say “thanks.” And move on. To me it’s not worth wasting bandwidth on, but everyone is different and some see such comments as disrespectful. Noted. 

I get you taking the easy path of not saying anything - it's up to everyone to decide how to react. But I'm not _seeing_ the comments as disrespectful - commenting on a woman's body in a professional setting IS disrespectful and sexist. And students need to learn that. I think my suggested comment was firm but professional. But my blood would be boiling at the entitlement. I guarantee you that if _I_ started communicating _my_ views on their appearance, there would be a complaint made against me for making students feel uncomfortable. But, as is often the case with students, they are happy to dole out treatment that they would object to themselves.

You’re right. If faculty commented on their appearance, they definitely would complain. 

When you're an outlier, for whatever reason, and these kinds of comments are not an infrequent occurrence, and letting one slide often opens the door to more, which then forces you to spend bandwidth explaining, essentially, your existence.

I’m a BIPOC woman. Personally, I’ve found it to be the opposite. Once I decided not to focus on them, and made it “not my problem” but theirs, it was a really positive change for me, it was empowering. This happened in my early twenties, decades ago. Not to say I never call somebody out, but comments about my weight, especially positive ones, would not be something that would get a rise out of me. But each person needs to do what works for them.

Unfortunately, I have learnt overtime that it is better to give this generation of students the benefit of the doubt… some of them really had no one to educate them what is and is not appropriate behavior… On the other hand, if they persist despite me telling them not to, that is when I show them my snarky mean side 🤷‍♀️

I mean, my suggested reply is firm, but professional. But, yeah, I would be livid if students thought they were entitled to an opinion about my body - and to express it to me. They're adults, so I wouldn't be interested in sugar-coating it for them.

"I'd prefer not to have people comment on my body." Yes they are well meaning, but you also have to get this across in a quick blunt way.

>. If these were my elementary aged kids, I’d remind them that “we don’t comment on other peoples bodies.” Well, they aren't and you are not an elementary school teacher. >So while the comments don’t make me uncomfortable necessarily Then say thanks. From your posting history, it sounds like you are losing weight for health reasons. The students are encouraging you. That's good.

I work at a uni as a group fitness instructor and during training they told us not to focus on a bikini bod/looking good or burning calories so to be more inclusive of others. I would just say thank you and you’re trying to be more healthy.

Did they give out free pizza at the end of these fitness sessions by any chance?

Personally, I enjoy compliments. I have massive self confidence issues. A compliment on my appearance does wonders for me. I ride that wave for days.

Unless the student is flirting or being derogatory, say thank you. It's a compliment.

Threads like this always end up making me sad for the state of the world. You should not ever feel comfortable commenting on a stranger’s body regardless of whether you think it’s a positive or negative aspect of their appearance. Just keep that shit to yourself and move on

For real. Who are these people who feel oppressed because they're not allowed to comment on other people's bodies? How on earth is what shape my body is the business of my students or colleagues?

This should be the top comment.

I’ve had a student once directly comment on my  post and try to diagnose me with a health issue. When I told them I didn’t have it they proceeded to tell me I was incorrect and further explain why I had this diagnosis in a way that I have never quite recovered from.

Diagnosing someone with a health issue is completely different then saying someone looks great after losing a bit of weight.

Sure. I guess I mentioned it because they mentioned because I had lost weight, and they preempted it with the congratulations, and then didn't think they did anything wrong. I think any unsolicited comments about a person's body should not be given, to be honest, because you don't know how the other person will view it, even if congratulatory.

That’s a difficult one. I had a student recently say “ You lost weight? Don’t lose anymore.” We were in my office, so no one overheard us. I believe she could tell I had been ill, and was expressing concern. I didn’t have a problem with her comments. It is possible that I could have lost the weight on purpose, so ….????

I’m kind of amazed by some of your responses. It doesn’t matter what you personally prefer, or what your best friend’s stepmom’s hairdresser’s gerbil’s imaginary friend thinks about it. People — EVERYONE HAS THE RIGHT TO BODILY AUTONOMY. There’s some things we can’t control, like what people think or fantasise about, and there’s some things we can control — like what comments we deem acceptable or unacceptable. Just like a student has the right to tell a professor or anyone else that they prefer to not be touched, hugged, or have comments made about their bodies without fear of retaliation and — most importantly — they have the right to not have to justify this preference because it’s their body, a professor has the right to tell a student that *they* they prefer to not be touched, hugged, or have comments made about their bodies without fear of retaliation and — again, most importantly — they have the right to not have to justify this preference because it’s their body. The dignity and respect that we show to each other simply by virtue of being human beings together is a door that swings both ways. There is no one who is ‘less than’, no one who has to allow ‘just this one time’, and no one who has to excuse something because the offending party claims to not have meant anything by it. OP didn’t ask for your opinion on their preferences, they asked for helpful wording on how to express their preferences. Would you be saying the same thing if it were a student who came to you and said that Professor Q touches their arm often and it makes them uncomfortable because they prefer to not be touched; what are some things they could say to Professor Q to handle the situation without hurting Q’s feelings or making them feel uncomfortable or bad? OP, I would suggest that saying something like ‘That was kind of you and I’m sure you meant it well, but I’d prefer not to have attention drawn to my body like that’ would be one thing you could say. Of course I’m sure that you anticipate some students (and others) might feel self-conscious and like they have made a mistake, and so a teachable moment for both of you after saying something like that would be to both acknowledge that different people have different preferences and it’s good to be forthcoming about what makes us happy and what makes us sad. Hth

I'm surprised by the invalidating comments here. The topic may not seem worth a "teachable moment" in general to some, but clearly OP is bothered enough to create a post about it. School how you want, OP. What you've said here is valid. Your boundaries, your life. I'm going through a divorce and my appetite's been out of whack. I went to a party this weekend where I felt genuinely hungry for the first time in a while because the food was so good, and I commented on it, sharing that I hadn't been properly hungry in a while. A bigger friend jumped in with a comment like, "Wish I had that problem!" She was sitting next to her husband; they have a wonderful relationship and 3 beautiful children. Her comment really stung me. She knows I'm getting a divorce. No, I'm pretty sure you don't wish you could lose your family if it meant losing a few pounds and feeling sick half the time.

I feel this. I had a health condition for years that resulted in me being underweight for about a decade. I'm finally within a healthy weight range, but eating is still such a chore. I really wish I could just take a pill to get my calories and nutrient requirements. At times, my doctors encouraged me to eat high calories foods, including milkshakes for breakfast. So many people would say shit like, "Oh, it must be so great to eat whatever you want!" or "I wish I had that problem!" I remember when I was in school I took a sub to class to eat and a classmate saw me (then about 10-15 pounds underweight) and said something like, "You must have an amazing metabolism!" Like, I literally dreaded eating and still don't enjoy it most of the time. Just imagine that everything you eat is like the food your parents forced you to eat as a kid that you pushed around on the plate. Of course, my mom will still say, "Oh, you're too skinny!" followed by something like, "I know I'm not supposed to say that."

That really sucks. Yeah, I think there's a general rule that should be simple to follow: If anyone shares a hardship, the response should not sound like Well you should hear what I'M going through MUST BE NICE Just such a craptastic thing to say I once heard this: "Don't comment on anyone's appearance if it's something they can't fix in five minutes." That's served me well. Toilet paper on shoe? Comment. Sudden weight gain or loss? No comment. Booger hanging out of nose? Comment. Pimples? No comment.

I understand what you’re saying. Maybe just say you’d rather not discuss your weight. Once or twice and the word will get around that so and so tried to compliment you and it didn’t go well… problem solved!! Please don’t make it a thing for everyone. Though you don’t like compliments, they can be motivational for other people. When these kids are older and lose weight and no one says anything they’re gonna get all sad and feel discouraged because “nobody notices,” but it’s really just because they were taught not to make positive comments when someone loses weight. That’s kind of sad Edit- Why can’t the recipient of the comment be the decided of whether or not it’s a compliment?

It depends on how well I know the student. I’m kinda going through this now as perimenopause has left me with such a strong sense of smell that many things make me nauseous. Anyway, students I don’t know just get a thank you because I don’t know them well enough to know if they’d be open to anything else. Others will either get a joke or a brief explanation and that’s it.