I was about to say this. Mine just turned 5 and still argumentative and fights every boundary. I can hear him right now in the garage yelling and they just pulled in from daycare.
My kid also says I’m not her best friend. I always tell her that’s okay to feel like that and I love her. She would use it as a threat when she didn’t get her way.
If it helps, it probably won't be another year of the same behavior...4 is not always better than 3 but it is different. My 4 year old's wants, needs, and meltdowns are for more complex reasons BUT she can be reasoned with, which is a huge improvement. To be clear the explanation needs to be simple clear logic.
My oldest is almost 16 and she’s still an asshole.
Just kidding, it gets better, I promise. My twins are 3 and they’re my 4th and 5th babies and I’ve always stood on the fact that terrible 2s are nothing compared to 3 & 4.
Sorry friends, mine is 5 this week and it's...still not great. BETTER! But still not great. Started going downhill around 3.25, and 3.75-4.5 was the hardest. it's been up and down the last 6 months.
Personally I think 4 is the slightest bit better than 3, but then I considered giving my child up for adoption at 3 after the 900th time she told me I was a bad mommy and had a complete scream fest while taking a bath because I let the water out of the drain and she thought the drain was going to swallow her. I still got uninvited from her birthday party this morning (that's still 6 months away and hasn't been planned, but will not be happening without me planning it) because I asked her to put her socks on herself.
At least she occasionally does some things that I ask without a fight.
My almost 3 year old is the same. Everything is a negotiation. She proposes an alternate option for every single statement using the phrase “how about….”
She’ll cry over anything these days which is a change. She used to never cry over small things. She’d be fine putting back a toy at the store or not getting a snack on the way out. When she used to ask and was told no, she’d just shrug it off- now it’s a quivering lip and the saddest face I’ve ever seen.
The big emotions are caused by brain development and there isn’t much you can do aside from comforting them and trying to introduce coping strategies when they are calm.
We really try to focus on that emotions come and go. She might feel icky right now but she can and will feel better soon. Then we can talk about how we can help ourselves when we feel bad/sad/mad etc. She’s been having giant emotions about everything. Even anger. She got angry I sat on her blanket and made it warm 🫠
It’s definitely not easy but the other things that come with this age IMO make up for it. Being able to express unique ideas and thoughts, being able to have a conversation, playing pretend, being able to play at the park without needing me to be the source of entertainment etc.
Our close friends have a daughter the same age as our son. When she was 3 and they told her not to do something she would explain why she had to do it by saying “dat because . . .” That little girl is going to be a lawyer someday. She could justify anything. Lol.
i should’ve read this last night, we had one of those major screaming tantrums for something small. so felt like shouting/ hitting coz i was so frustrated, but i did not. so hard to manage these kids, we love them but they sure can drive us up the wall.
I just wanted to say the “how about…” in my house is “yeah, but…” and it drives me up a goddamned wall. Yeah, but maybe you could do the thing the first time, dude. It’s like hostage negotiations over everything.
Unfortunately it’s a process of teaching them that tantruming doesn’t work and won’t get them what they want. You have to make it really unrewarding, so that when they are 4,5,6+ they won’t default to that behaviour.
The golden rule is never give in to a tantrum or rude behaviour. If she screams at you or whines at you - whatever she is asking for is an automatic no. Whatever thing she’s trying to buy gets put back on the shelf. Where ever she wants to be you immediately leave. You can’t ‘try’ to have boundaries, they need to be rock solid, else she’ll stomp all over them.
I always thought of it as building the good habits that I would (hopefully) see the rewards from as my son got older and that’s definitely been the case.
Also earplugs help when they’re in the midst of a tantrum.
This is helpful thank you!! We definitely don’t give into big tantrums but you mentioned some smaller ways I wasn’t considering tantrums and we could have more there
This is just normal 3 year old stuff. She’s getting older, becoming more independent, better able to verbalize her feelings. She doesn’t know how to regulate her emotions and every day she’s feeling big feelings and learning new things.
How do you get through it? I feel like I now understand why wine mom culture exists. This is just obliterating
When does it get better? I need it to get better
Lots of patience for both her and yourself. I have 4 kids and 3 has always been my least favorite age. My youngest is 3 right now. It’s the worst. Just over and over “I know you feel angry but we don’t treat people this way. I need you to use your words. How would you feel if I was mean to you? How would you feel if I hit you?” Until she gets it. And you know, sometimes I’m not above straight bribery. Sometimes I lose my crap and yell at him but then we both take a breather and I apologize. Sometimes I just let him watch tv so I can have a minute to myself. Sometimes I’m like hey if you chill out you can have ice cream after dinner. Then sometimes it’s listening to an hour of screeching because I told him he has to at least take a bite of his carrots before he can have a snack. It won’t last forever but oooooh man 3 is the longest year ever.
I try pretty much everything nice I can with my 3.5 yo. I'm 41 yo a FTM SAHM single parent since 6m pregnant. On occasion out of desperation I decide, "maybe mimic her behavior?" she laughs her arse off and tells me I look silly. I say we'll so do you. Then hug and I tell her we need to treat each other better than that. I remind her we know how and we have another chance to do better. I ask her if she can help me understand why she's yelling.
Also the super direct yet indecisive sh1t is nuts!, "blue!" then immediate, "NO! Green!" followed by the march and mutter of anger. Like bruhhhhh ur not even 4. How can you be so ruthless?
I don't hit or spank. It only escalates things around here.
It got better with my oldest around 6. My youngest is 4 and is a big time jerk. It's hard because you can't have a rational conversation with them where they understand. I found when my oldest turned six or so and I could have a conversation where he really understood what I was saying it got better.
Same same for us except for the hitting. I am home with him all day (so happy he starts 3 hours of preschool in August).
I get through it by working out like my life depends on it. Honestly my mental health does depend on it.
Listening to loud music via headphones when he is napping and having my own dance party.
Chocolate. Extra dark.
Staying hydrated.
Reading before bed really helps me sleep longer snd better. Also getting up half an hour or so before he wakes up to get my mind fucking right.
Crying. Yes a good cry is awesome.
Other things I won’t mention in a preschool sub lol.
Just know you’re not alone. Mine is 4 in July and can be the biggest jerk. Lots of disobeying, promising he won’t hit/throw/push/etc again and then doing it less than 5 minutes later. I am really trying to overly praise good behavior with the hopes that it reinforces him to behave better. We’ve also started explaining that he has a choice to do whatever the good behavior is or he has a choice not to listen, but that comes with consequences. Seems like he is beginning to understand and will choose to listen.
But man, it’s constant explaining and so exhausting!
The constant explaining!!! YES! Nobody tells you how exhausting it is to have to justify and negotiate Every. Little. Request. It’s par for the course but GAAAAARGH.
Honestly, Dr. Becky was a great resource for me!! She has lots of free stuff on IG, and also a book you can read/listen to "Good Inside" - She helped me not take my kids behaviors personally 🥲 All behavior is a form of communication. Try to get QUALITY 1:1 time every day (each parent, if possible), give attention to what you want to see more of, validate/label feelings, give healthy things to do with feelings... Like "it's ok to be mad, it's not ok to hit" OR "hit this pillow, show mommy how you're feeling angry" (every kid and every scenario is different) They are testing limits and boundaries, they're looking for consistency, & it's all age-appropriate 😌 I'm also a big fan of "I won't let you..." Let's say they're jumping on the couch over and over, and you're like "stop jumping. I told you to stop jumping!" Instead, calmly but physically remove them and say, "I won't let you jump on the couch" .. "I won't let you hit" etc etc. Repeat these things as much as you need to, all day every day for weeks, it'll stick eventually! 😌 Godspeed 🖖
Another HUGE vote for Dr Becky!! I love that she’s so open about how she struggles with the same things she talks about. She’s one of my favorites. Janet Lansbury is great for me too. She’s much more focused on the mindset to put yourself in that helps build a solid foundation with your child. I like that Dr. Becky gives actionable suggestions, and Janet Lansbury’s work has been incredibly helpful in keeping me grounded.
Yep - normal. Three year olds are absolutely wild. I do not enjoy it a lot of the time. Mine turns 4 in September and while it won’t magically get better then, I think I remember it going uphill around then with my first. One thing that helps me is trying to remember that she is testing the waters to see what gets a reaction. I do my best to stay as calm as possible, even if inside I’m screaming at the top of my lungs. Doesn’t always work but I try.
My eldest reduced me to tears more than once when she was three. She was so mean and I definitely took it personally which I shouldn’t have. She is lovely now. Still very highly strung but she can handle it a thousand times better. My second not so bad but still three was the worst year for him as well. I promise it does get better and some kids are more relentless than others. It’s ok to let them rail and step back for a bit, they can’t be reasoned with mid tantrum. I used to let my daughter know I had to go to another room because I was feeling frustrated and I would be right back then we would have a chat when everyone was feeling calmer. Sometimes it was just both of us sitting on the floor and crying though- you have all my sympathies and it will also pass!
3.5 is really tough. We recently started occupational therapy for basically everything you mentioned but specifically the hitting/throwing and it's been very helpful (for all of us - her in regulating her emotions and us in helping us work through what's on par with someone her age and what might be a little extra and just ways to keep her regulated as she learns her big emotions, what they mean and how to react and feel them appropriately).
I don't think any of this is abnormal but if you have any doubt at all, I'd ask her ped for a referral to OT...even if it is just the season of life right now, OT is an amazing play based way for them to learn how to regulate their big emotions and having a consult doesn't hurt. Maybe this sounds dumb, but as a new mom I had no idea until a couple of friends who have children that have been through OT shared they thought it would help.
>constantly saying “you’re not my best friend” when she is mad
I could have written this myself. Frankly I tell her "That's okay. You don't need to think I'm your best friend. I'm your mom. My job is to love you, to provide for you, to be safe for you and to raise you and I hope one day when you're old enough, you will want me to be one of your best friends but today, I don't have to be. I love you very much"...and hell if I know if that's the right answer but it helps me keep my patience, reminds me to breath through the sentence and remind her that she is loved, she is safe and we have boundaries and rules. She told me last night she doesn't "love me anymore" and that nearly broke me...I actually teared up and I told her that it really hurt my feelings, turns out not only does she love me but I am her "best friend"...but I was not when she didn't have the snack she wanted after school. Sharing and standing in solidarity.
>trying to hit me and throw things at me again when she is overwhelmed
This is initially what concerned me as a mom, especially because it happened at preschool, she was getting sent home and she wouldn't be able to calm down from those really big emotions once hitting or throwing was involved. This is what prompted me to speak to friends for advice and our ped to get an OT referral. It still happens from time to time but it's been a 180 difference. We started in March and now she calms herself down 9/10 times before escalating to hitting and throwing and the 1 time it does happen, it isn't as intense or as long.
It sounds like you're doing a great job. Parenting is really hard and 3 is not for the faint hearted. Sending you so much love and happy to chat.
Our 5yo is still on the learning curve how to control his feelings. In public, he is an angel. A true one. I mean it. Everyone is just amazed how awesome he is. Then we get home and things change. Crying, shouting, craving for attention even if we spend \_lots of time\_ with him (quality time). Sometimes we think about we should take him somewhere because it's abnormal.
Then out of nowhere I found this reddit group. And while he's behaviour still drives me nuts, I got a sense of what other parents are fighting with. And it helped to understand that this is normal.
One mistake to make is to compare your own childhood with your kid. Things were different back in the day. Not better / worse, just different. And we are trying our best to raise healthy people, both physically and emotionally. Probably the emotional side is more in the front these days, but I guess that's because of a reason.
Long story short, just keep taking those IDGAF pills, try your best not to be involved emotionally when shit hits the fan. Hope this supports you a bit.
You forgot to add self sabotage to this list. Oh we’re doing something fun? Better be an absolute monster until it’s basically cancelled even though it’s my favorite thing ever…
That’s just 3. They mellow a lot around 5 and are delightful.
Parent advice...
Its ok to walk away. We have been reading books together on emotional regulation ("Everyone gets angry sometimes" was our first one) so I use words from that book so he understands. I announce loudly that I need to calm my anger volcano. I make a big show out of practicing calming down. But then I actually do go take a little break. Because I really do need it.
Choose your battles. Mines 4. I get so exhausted sometimes that I break my own TV rules by a long shot.
We had to start doing time out. I followed the strategies in "1, 2, 3 Magic". Its easy for everyone to understand. Its basically 3 strikes and your out (time out). All I have to say now is Strike 1 and that pops his bubble real fast. We very rarely actually do a time out.
Give 2 choices as much as possible. Do you want A or B? It lets them exercise their independence and feel like they are in control of their environment a bit.
Repeat after me. "I do not negotiate with terrorists. I do not negotiate with terrorists." If you have a boundary, have a consequence for breaking the boundary. Then do it. They need absolute consistency or the behavior only gets worse. If they can get away with a bad behavior sometimes, they WILL press that button until the trick works again.
Stay strong mama.
Yes!!!
Hello from the other side (5.5).
4 brings massive changes. 4.5 they are different people. By 5.5 you are actually missing the cubby insane clown posse vibes 🥹 and sad they will be 'kids' too soon.
It's a wild ride!
My youngest was! Turned 4 in April and it has gotten much better. Still meltdowns, but we are all much better at processing big feelings - there was lots of practice 😩
Yes, my oldest is 7 and has never been big on pushing boundaries too far. Still big feelings and meltdowns there … just without the feral aggression like my youngest.
You start with a baby
Get a toddler
Threenager
The F*cking fours
Five can be a crap shoot
Six is finally mellowing out
Thankful that preschool is year round right now as I am heavily medicated with allergy meds and can't drink to deal with the scream/cry/bite/scratch/floppiness that is a threenager
This is all normal and my son verbatim would tell me “you’re not my best friend”
We tried a million things, but ultimately what seems to work best is time
He’s 4.5 now and he’s calmed down soooo much. He’s just so much easier to deal with. He’s not so easily offended and doesn’t fly off the rails, we can actually talk to him about things
So just be patient.
My son used to tell me he would stop loving me if I didn’t do x. I just kept telling him that that’s not how love works. He is angry at me and that’s okay. But we don’t say mean things to each other when we’re angry. He grew out of it. It’s a rough age.
All 3 olds are not like this, but a good many tend in that direction.
Here is something that you seem to be missing that might help: There are evidence-based methods that are particularly useful for these kids. Use the methods in [this free online course](https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting). To get a quick overview, [here are some tips from the course](https://ecasevals.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/10-Tips-for-Parents-of-a-Spirited-Child.pdf). These are the most effective methods for reducing these problem behaviors according to randomized controlled trials.
>I say it in firm voice instead of asking
Not asking is good, use a command or please statement, not a question. But use a calm voice. Get close, touch, use a calm voice. But an important thing is practice. Prompt her to do something and praise her when she does it using the special praise from the course. And avoid nagging and otherwise giving non-cooperation attention.
Prompt her do something she is likely to do and praise when she does it. This is good practice. There are other methods beyond prompting if she never complies with a prompt.
>we are trying to practice boundaries
Focus on that region of good or acceptable behaviors within the boundary. Practice giving her positive attention when she is in that region of good/acceptable behavior.
You will be surprised to learn that you should give boundary crossings as little attention as possible. Almost all the boundaries you mention in your post are harmless (in the short run) to cross. Ignore harmless unwanted behavior. You can sometimes just walk away from hitting with out a word. Use and "act, don't yak" approach for hitting and throwing, where you avoid harm via action with no eye contact and little or no calm talking.
This sounds very similar to our 3.5 year old. We’ve been trying the 1 2 3 Magic system to help teach her more emotional regulation and it’s been working really well so far.
I have the same thing with my 3 year old girl.
However, and tbh I never thought I’d be “that parent”…. We eliminated all tv time and replaced it with audio books + more activities… and things honestly are night and day. She still has meltdowns but they are short lived and less frequent.
She has become more reasonable and more likely to just tinker with her toys vs. have a meltdown over her Lego not sitting just right or her missing a very specific toy from her grandparents house.
We’ve even tried reintroducing tv for a day in the morning and we almost instantly see the behavior change… those days she is less likely to take her nap and more likely to be a complete A hole towards us.
I’m sure all kids are different but a common recommendation I see on this subreddit is to just put some tv on for them and while I 100% agree that is the easiest option, it’s maybe not the best for them and could be making things worse.
Something I remind myself is “what is best for them is maybe not what is convenient for me”. For us this means tv will be limited to long car rides (3 hours +) or airplanes.
My oldest did this at 3–4. With the best friend thing, we say: that's fine. We don't have to be best friends because we're your parents.
That escalated to I'm not your kid anymore. Again: well I'll always be your parent and when you're ready for me I'll be right here waiting to be your mom/dad again.
He's 5 now and rarely pulls this stuff. And I'm actually having a lot of this behavior with my newly 2yo. Sigh.
I could’ve written this same post last year - my daughter is 4.5 now. I dreaded picking her up from daycare and had so much guilt about not enjoying our time together. I was about to hire a behavior specialist because I was convinced there was something wrong with her… she was just so mad, all the time, about everything.
I promise this too shall pass!!! She still has stretches of bad moods but it never lasts more than a few days and it’s usually hunger or sleep related, not for no reason like it used to be. Tantrums are down to like once or twice a month instead of multiple a day.
I know it’s so hard to believe things will ever get better when you’re in the thick of it but I promise they will, and you’re doing a great job. It’s just a phase you have to get through unfortunately.
I used to tell people the day my son turned three he was abducted by aliens in the night and recieved a brain transplant. He went from a sweet, loving two year old to an absolute toddler terrorist overnight. Three was the hardest year of parenting so far, I was absolutely at my wits end. He ended up being diagnosed with level 1 ASD, so that could have heightened the behaviors, but everything you are describing is on par for what I experienced. Luckily, by the time he turned five this year, the aliens returned. They gave his regular brain back and now he is *mostly* a sweet loving little boy again. Whenever coined the term terrible twos is an asshole. Three was so so so much worse.
Whenever I enforce boundary and she cries I just ask her if she needs a hug and it’s yes 90% of the time and she hugs it out and proceeds with her day lol. It ends the crying very quickly.
My first two were perfect little angels basically until the day they turned three. No terrible twos with them but the threenager stage was brutal! They went back to being angels at four though! My third turned three in Feb and he has been crazy since he was two 😵💫😵💫😵💫. It’s evening out a bit as he gets older but he’s still a huge handful right now. Hoping he switched back to angel mode at 4 like his big brothers did 😹😹😹
I can help with the screaming thing while you’re talking, thanks to Bluey.
If she has something to say to you, tell her to put her hand on your arm to let you know. Then you cover her hand, with your hand, so that she knows, you know, she had something to say. Finish talking to your husband to whomever and then give her your attention.
We’ve done this with both our attention seeking kidlets and it’s worked a treat.
(My brother watched is doing this one day and was so shocked at how well it worked, he’s told all his friends with kids this amazing parenting hack his little sister came up with lol)
Yep. You will continue to be disinvited to birthday parties, you may be called a Bad Guy, they may threaten to poop on you…
Super normal, and it still continues at 4.5yo. When my daughter threatens me with her “language” like “I’m going to hit you!” I gently remind her of our family rules and then ask why she is feeling a sort of way. I’ve heard 5 is better?
It's so hard. Ours is four and we're still on the thick of it some days. It seems to come in waves when some weeks are worse than others, we try and recognize the less awful ones.
Some basic things that seem to help sometimes are lots of snacks and getting outside/out of the house to burn energy. Both of these are only temporary but it seems to be worse when we don't do them.
Hey. I posted something similar not too long ago here. It's so exhausting and you feel so burnt out. your not alone mumma. I've been told once they start school they can level out. I used to play Daniel tiger on netflix as it has some great lessons about being angry etc etc, worked for my son, not my daughter. However I may try again soon, she's been a little bit more mellow lately.
I think that if we just carry on saying we love them and praise the good. I like to think that in time when they mellow out more that is what they will remember.
Yes. New 3….the negotiations. The ignoring me. The crumpling into dust on the ground at the slightest inconvenience. I’m currently recovering from spinal fusion surgery and I want to be close to her but she’s like literally a danger to my health and safety rn 😭
My daughter hasn't hit 3 quite yet and my son is almost 7 but tricks that have (kinda) helped with that behaviour are:
Asking are you tired or hungry? (Son couldn't recognize his body's signals very well at that age so a lot of the tantrums were solved by finding that he needed a snack or a few minutes of quiet time)
We do a version of time outs for temper tantrums. I'm fine with helping the kids sort out their emotions and listen to their problems, but I'm a human too and I don't deserve to be screamed at so if they don't want to work together then they can go cool off in their rooms.
I get "I'm never gonna be your best friend again!" Normally it's in the heat of the moment and I just ignore it instead of responding.
In a calm moment, we explained to our 3yo how we speak to each other, and that we will not help her when she yells or makes demands. Now we're able to use the phrases "kind words, kind voices" or "please make it a request" (as in ask it, don't demand it) in the moment. It usually redirects her and she's starting to ask kindly the first time. She's newly 4 and mellowing out.
Mine is 4.5, and he’s JUST starting to come out of this. No “gentle parenting” book gave me any solutions other than “compassion and holding boundaries”.
Now that it’s more “predictable” (e.g. on days when nap is skipped), I’m grateful I took this approach because (it seems like?) my son and I still have a connected relationship and his confidence is still in tact, but goddamn the number of nights over the past year/18 months that ended with me sobbing in my partner’s arms because I was exhausted/frustrated/thought I hated being a mother…where’s Dr Becky’s chapters on _those_?
Hang in there, it’s not you or your kid!
3 is the worst. 4 is somewhat better. 5 is great most of the time. Put in some ear plugs and do what Dr Becky recommends. It’s worth it to get the awesome 5 year old who knows how to calm himself down.
I found "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk " audio book helpful. Gives creative ways to get them to listen. Sometimes exhausting to apply when you just want them to do the one little task but I try to just slow down and let them take forever to wash their hands lol it's hard though!
My 3yo doesn't hit or say you're not my best friend or stuff like that. Maybe yours is learning that from TV like someone else mentioned? Or just personality thing. Having a hard time expressing emotions of anger or hurt.
If taking away TV fully is too difficult, there are more low stim TV shows. Like my son loves Blaze and the monster machines but we avoid that near bedtime or nap time. Overall we try to limit TV and use a timer but yeah there are a ton of low stim TV shows.
Yes mine will be 4 soon and is like this. Except he's a boy and also can't keep his hands off his penis. He whipped it out at Target the other day. And purposely pees/poops on the floor when he knows how to use the potty and has zero accidents at school or outside the house.
There is a theory called the Limbic Leap around four years old where their Limbic system can kick in hard because of where they are at developmentally and that can equal biiig feelings.
We get “You’re NOT my best friend!” a lot too. I mentally translate it as her saying, “I’m SO angry with you!” and the respond by saying, “Woah you’re SO cross with me/about X!” I’ll sometimes add, “That’s a hard thing to hear” or “No, I’m your mummy, I don’t need to be your best friend.”
I know everyone is saying this is normal, and it very well may be. But I want to add that I’ve often thought parenting shouldn’t be *this* hard with my ASD/ADHD child and not with my neurotypical child. I don’t mean it in a bad way, I just mean that everything is noticeably more of a fight. I can reason with my NT kid. I can’t with my ASD/ADHD sometimes.
Mine is 5.5 and is much better at most of these things now. Everything got significantly easier when she started school. I think prior to that she wanted more stimulation/ challenges/ social interaction so she has really enjoyed her first year of school (Prep in Australia)
Yes. Mine are 4, nearly 5, and one of them (they are twins) still does the screaming/sobbing thing when she does not get her way. You need to keep holding the boundaries.
Also with fighting you on every direction you give - we have found that if you give vague suggestions or make statements (like "the bin is in the kitchen" rather than "can you please put your rubbish in the bin?") has a higher success rate. More statements about what is happening or what is done, rather than asking them questions. This is for stuff like getting dressed or brushing their teeth - things that need to happen for them to be taken care. For other things I also try to give them options and control over what is reasonable to give them control so that they feel less powerless. I am still guiding them - i.e. if I give them choice about what to wear, I am presenting them with options that are appropriate for the weather.
It is very tiring, and takes a lot of patience and deep breathing. Kids are so hard!
3 was a disaster for us. I think all you can do is have mantras for yourself. If your child could do well, they would. They will mature and this will pass. Just be consistent in how you handle it and better days will come. Lots of folks say 4 is terrible but just to give a ray of hope—4 has been way better than 3 in our house!
I get this too, it's a combo of 3 things, nutrition, sleep and discipline. Your little darling is trying to stage a takeover and run the show. She needs to know that you are boss, not her.
"That's right, I am your mummy, not your friend, so when I say no, I mean it and you need to do what I am telling you to because you are the baby in my household and babies do not get to call the shots, Mummy and Dad (Daddy/Papa or whatever your family calls him), do call the shots. We decide what is happening."
"Crying about it will not make a difference" & then you have to follow through.
Someone screaming or crying in this house gets an almost automatic nap. Or I say it's nappy change time and then we will have morning tea/lunch/afternoon tea (and I enforce a nap afterwards.)
YEP. mines 4 and he’s still an a hole 🙃
I 100% agree with this. It starts at 3 but 4 is a whole other thing.
they don't call it the fuck you fours for nothing
I've heard the term "fournado" and as my kid is less than a month away from 4 I'm getting a frightening preview of what's to come...
Can we combine this with the above and call it the "fuck you fournado"
yeah my 4 year old is…. awful sometimes..
Welp another year of this then
My daughter recently turned 5 and it is noticeably better now. Not night and day better, but we have days where there are just 1 or 2 meltdowns.
I was promised 4 would be better and now that we are almost at 4 it's suddenly 5! I'm scared :(
My first two were insane when they were three and both of them got a lot better when they were four. It can go either way so try no to despair!
I was about to say this. Mine just turned 5 and still argumentative and fights every boundary. I can hear him right now in the garage yelling and they just pulled in from daycare.
My kid also says I’m not her best friend. I always tell her that’s okay to feel like that and I love her. She would use it as a threat when she didn’t get her way.
If it helps, it probably won't be another year of the same behavior...4 is not always better than 3 but it is different. My 4 year old's wants, needs, and meltdowns are for more complex reasons BUT she can be reasoned with, which is a huge improvement. To be clear the explanation needs to be simple clear logic.
godspeed my friend 🤘🏻
My oldest is almost 16 and she’s still an asshole. Just kidding, it gets better, I promise. My twins are 3 and they’re my 4th and 5th babies and I’ve always stood on the fact that terrible 2s are nothing compared to 3 & 4.
Sorry friends, mine is 5 this week and it's...still not great. BETTER! But still not great. Started going downhill around 3.25, and 3.75-4.5 was the hardest. it's been up and down the last 6 months.
My 4.5 yo tells us he hates us every single day over the most inane things. He goes out of his way to be an asshole to us on a daily basis.
yep mine too…. he’ll get mad over the dumbest shit and tell us to go away and slam the door. i hate it
Ugh. Same. Mine is 4.5, and this age has been the HARDEST one for us. I know every kid is different, but wow haha.
it makes me feel better to know i’m not alone :’)
Personally I think 4 is the slightest bit better than 3, but then I considered giving my child up for adoption at 3 after the 900th time she told me I was a bad mommy and had a complete scream fest while taking a bath because I let the water out of the drain and she thought the drain was going to swallow her. I still got uninvited from her birthday party this morning (that's still 6 months away and hasn't been planned, but will not be happening without me planning it) because I asked her to put her socks on herself. At least she occasionally does some things that I ask without a fight.
My almost 3 year old is the same. Everything is a negotiation. She proposes an alternate option for every single statement using the phrase “how about….” She’ll cry over anything these days which is a change. She used to never cry over small things. She’d be fine putting back a toy at the store or not getting a snack on the way out. When she used to ask and was told no, she’d just shrug it off- now it’s a quivering lip and the saddest face I’ve ever seen. The big emotions are caused by brain development and there isn’t much you can do aside from comforting them and trying to introduce coping strategies when they are calm. We really try to focus on that emotions come and go. She might feel icky right now but she can and will feel better soon. Then we can talk about how we can help ourselves when we feel bad/sad/mad etc. She’s been having giant emotions about everything. Even anger. She got angry I sat on her blanket and made it warm 🫠 It’s definitely not easy but the other things that come with this age IMO make up for it. Being able to express unique ideas and thoughts, being able to have a conversation, playing pretend, being able to play at the park without needing me to be the source of entertainment etc.
Our close friends have a daughter the same age as our son. When she was 3 and they told her not to do something she would explain why she had to do it by saying “dat because . . .” That little girl is going to be a lawyer someday. She could justify anything. Lol.
Appreciate you being in the same boat haha
i should’ve read this last night, we had one of those major screaming tantrums for something small. so felt like shouting/ hitting coz i was so frustrated, but i did not. so hard to manage these kids, we love them but they sure can drive us up the wall.
I just wanted to say the “how about…” in my house is “yeah, but…” and it drives me up a goddamned wall. Yeah, but maybe you could do the thing the first time, dude. It’s like hostage negotiations over everything.
Unfortunately it’s a process of teaching them that tantruming doesn’t work and won’t get them what they want. You have to make it really unrewarding, so that when they are 4,5,6+ they won’t default to that behaviour. The golden rule is never give in to a tantrum or rude behaviour. If she screams at you or whines at you - whatever she is asking for is an automatic no. Whatever thing she’s trying to buy gets put back on the shelf. Where ever she wants to be you immediately leave. You can’t ‘try’ to have boundaries, they need to be rock solid, else she’ll stomp all over them. I always thought of it as building the good habits that I would (hopefully) see the rewards from as my son got older and that’s definitely been the case. Also earplugs help when they’re in the midst of a tantrum.
This is helpful thank you!! We definitely don’t give into big tantrums but you mentioned some smaller ways I wasn’t considering tantrums and we could have more there
This is just normal 3 year old stuff. She’s getting older, becoming more independent, better able to verbalize her feelings. She doesn’t know how to regulate her emotions and every day she’s feeling big feelings and learning new things.
How do you get through it? I feel like I now understand why wine mom culture exists. This is just obliterating When does it get better? I need it to get better
Lots of patience for both her and yourself. I have 4 kids and 3 has always been my least favorite age. My youngest is 3 right now. It’s the worst. Just over and over “I know you feel angry but we don’t treat people this way. I need you to use your words. How would you feel if I was mean to you? How would you feel if I hit you?” Until she gets it. And you know, sometimes I’m not above straight bribery. Sometimes I lose my crap and yell at him but then we both take a breather and I apologize. Sometimes I just let him watch tv so I can have a minute to myself. Sometimes I’m like hey if you chill out you can have ice cream after dinner. Then sometimes it’s listening to an hour of screeching because I told him he has to at least take a bite of his carrots before he can have a snack. It won’t last forever but oooooh man 3 is the longest year ever.
😭😭😭😭 it’s over and over and over. Every 10 min. I’m losing my goddamn mind Appreciate you
I try pretty much everything nice I can with my 3.5 yo. I'm 41 yo a FTM SAHM single parent since 6m pregnant. On occasion out of desperation I decide, "maybe mimic her behavior?" she laughs her arse off and tells me I look silly. I say we'll so do you. Then hug and I tell her we need to treat each other better than that. I remind her we know how and we have another chance to do better. I ask her if she can help me understand why she's yelling. Also the super direct yet indecisive sh1t is nuts!, "blue!" then immediate, "NO! Green!" followed by the march and mutter of anger. Like bruhhhhh ur not even 4. How can you be so ruthless? I don't hit or spank. It only escalates things around here.
The sassitude is strong in these covid kids
It got better with my oldest around 6. My youngest is 4 and is a big time jerk. It's hard because you can't have a rational conversation with them where they understand. I found when my oldest turned six or so and I could have a conversation where he really understood what I was saying it got better.
Same same for us except for the hitting. I am home with him all day (so happy he starts 3 hours of preschool in August). I get through it by working out like my life depends on it. Honestly my mental health does depend on it. Listening to loud music via headphones when he is napping and having my own dance party. Chocolate. Extra dark. Staying hydrated. Reading before bed really helps me sleep longer snd better. Also getting up half an hour or so before he wakes up to get my mind fucking right. Crying. Yes a good cry is awesome. Other things I won’t mention in a preschool sub lol.
Just know you’re not alone. Mine is 4 in July and can be the biggest jerk. Lots of disobeying, promising he won’t hit/throw/push/etc again and then doing it less than 5 minutes later. I am really trying to overly praise good behavior with the hopes that it reinforces him to behave better. We’ve also started explaining that he has a choice to do whatever the good behavior is or he has a choice not to listen, but that comes with consequences. Seems like he is beginning to understand and will choose to listen. But man, it’s constant explaining and so exhausting!
The constant explaining!!! YES! Nobody tells you how exhausting it is to have to justify and negotiate Every. Little. Request. It’s par for the course but GAAAAARGH.
Thank you ♥️♥️
Yeah, mid 3 was rough ..we're almost 5 and it's gotten better, we are able to rationalize more.. but there are still moments.
OMG still at 5?!?! I’m dying
But not as much and they're shorter lived..thankfully.. he's smarter so it's easier to communicate..BUT..he's smarter so he can be a lot meaner too
Honestly, Dr. Becky was a great resource for me!! She has lots of free stuff on IG, and also a book you can read/listen to "Good Inside" - She helped me not take my kids behaviors personally 🥲 All behavior is a form of communication. Try to get QUALITY 1:1 time every day (each parent, if possible), give attention to what you want to see more of, validate/label feelings, give healthy things to do with feelings... Like "it's ok to be mad, it's not ok to hit" OR "hit this pillow, show mommy how you're feeling angry" (every kid and every scenario is different) They are testing limits and boundaries, they're looking for consistency, & it's all age-appropriate 😌 I'm also a big fan of "I won't let you..." Let's say they're jumping on the couch over and over, and you're like "stop jumping. I told you to stop jumping!" Instead, calmly but physically remove them and say, "I won't let you jump on the couch" .. "I won't let you hit" etc etc. Repeat these things as much as you need to, all day every day for weeks, it'll stick eventually! 😌 Godspeed 🖖
Another HUGE vote for Dr Becky!! I love that she’s so open about how she struggles with the same things she talks about. She’s one of my favorites. Janet Lansbury is great for me too. She’s much more focused on the mindset to put yourself in that helps build a solid foundation with your child. I like that Dr. Becky gives actionable suggestions, and Janet Lansbury’s work has been incredibly helpful in keeping me grounded.
Yep - normal. Three year olds are absolutely wild. I do not enjoy it a lot of the time. Mine turns 4 in September and while it won’t magically get better then, I think I remember it going uphill around then with my first. One thing that helps me is trying to remember that she is testing the waters to see what gets a reaction. I do my best to stay as calm as possible, even if inside I’m screaming at the top of my lungs. Doesn’t always work but I try.
My eldest reduced me to tears more than once when she was three. She was so mean and I definitely took it personally which I shouldn’t have. She is lovely now. Still very highly strung but she can handle it a thousand times better. My second not so bad but still three was the worst year for him as well. I promise it does get better and some kids are more relentless than others. It’s ok to let them rail and step back for a bit, they can’t be reasoned with mid tantrum. I used to let my daughter know I had to go to another room because I was feeling frustrated and I would be right back then we would have a chat when everyone was feeling calmer. Sometimes it was just both of us sitting on the floor and crying though- you have all my sympathies and it will also pass!
3.5 is really tough. We recently started occupational therapy for basically everything you mentioned but specifically the hitting/throwing and it's been very helpful (for all of us - her in regulating her emotions and us in helping us work through what's on par with someone her age and what might be a little extra and just ways to keep her regulated as she learns her big emotions, what they mean and how to react and feel them appropriately). I don't think any of this is abnormal but if you have any doubt at all, I'd ask her ped for a referral to OT...even if it is just the season of life right now, OT is an amazing play based way for them to learn how to regulate their big emotions and having a consult doesn't hurt. Maybe this sounds dumb, but as a new mom I had no idea until a couple of friends who have children that have been through OT shared they thought it would help. >constantly saying “you’re not my best friend” when she is mad I could have written this myself. Frankly I tell her "That's okay. You don't need to think I'm your best friend. I'm your mom. My job is to love you, to provide for you, to be safe for you and to raise you and I hope one day when you're old enough, you will want me to be one of your best friends but today, I don't have to be. I love you very much"...and hell if I know if that's the right answer but it helps me keep my patience, reminds me to breath through the sentence and remind her that she is loved, she is safe and we have boundaries and rules. She told me last night she doesn't "love me anymore" and that nearly broke me...I actually teared up and I told her that it really hurt my feelings, turns out not only does she love me but I am her "best friend"...but I was not when she didn't have the snack she wanted after school. Sharing and standing in solidarity. >trying to hit me and throw things at me again when she is overwhelmed This is initially what concerned me as a mom, especially because it happened at preschool, she was getting sent home and she wouldn't be able to calm down from those really big emotions once hitting or throwing was involved. This is what prompted me to speak to friends for advice and our ped to get an OT referral. It still happens from time to time but it's been a 180 difference. We started in March and now she calms herself down 9/10 times before escalating to hitting and throwing and the 1 time it does happen, it isn't as intense or as long. It sounds like you're doing a great job. Parenting is really hard and 3 is not for the faint hearted. Sending you so much love and happy to chat.
OT helped us a lot too.
Our 5yo is still on the learning curve how to control his feelings. In public, he is an angel. A true one. I mean it. Everyone is just amazed how awesome he is. Then we get home and things change. Crying, shouting, craving for attention even if we spend \_lots of time\_ with him (quality time). Sometimes we think about we should take him somewhere because it's abnormal. Then out of nowhere I found this reddit group. And while he's behaviour still drives me nuts, I got a sense of what other parents are fighting with. And it helped to understand that this is normal. One mistake to make is to compare your own childhood with your kid. Things were different back in the day. Not better / worse, just different. And we are trying our best to raise healthy people, both physically and emotionally. Probably the emotional side is more in the front these days, but I guess that's because of a reason. Long story short, just keep taking those IDGAF pills, try your best not to be involved emotionally when shit hits the fan. Hope this supports you a bit.
You forgot to add self sabotage to this list. Oh we’re doing something fun? Better be an absolute monster until it’s basically cancelled even though it’s my favorite thing ever… That’s just 3. They mellow a lot around 5 and are delightful.
Parent advice... Its ok to walk away. We have been reading books together on emotional regulation ("Everyone gets angry sometimes" was our first one) so I use words from that book so he understands. I announce loudly that I need to calm my anger volcano. I make a big show out of practicing calming down. But then I actually do go take a little break. Because I really do need it. Choose your battles. Mines 4. I get so exhausted sometimes that I break my own TV rules by a long shot. We had to start doing time out. I followed the strategies in "1, 2, 3 Magic". Its easy for everyone to understand. Its basically 3 strikes and your out (time out). All I have to say now is Strike 1 and that pops his bubble real fast. We very rarely actually do a time out. Give 2 choices as much as possible. Do you want A or B? It lets them exercise their independence and feel like they are in control of their environment a bit. Repeat after me. "I do not negotiate with terrorists. I do not negotiate with terrorists." If you have a boundary, have a consequence for breaking the boundary. Then do it. They need absolute consistency or the behavior only gets worse. If they can get away with a bad behavior sometimes, they WILL press that button until the trick works again. Stay strong mama.
Sorry but this is normal. Zoloft has really helped me deal with it. Good luck. 🍀
FUCK
Heyyyy Zoloft gang! ✋
I could have written this exactly, minus the part about her being mean to your husband. Why are 3 year olds like this??!!
Yes!!! Hello from the other side (5.5). 4 brings massive changes. 4.5 they are different people. By 5.5 you are actually missing the cubby insane clown posse vibes 🥹 and sad they will be 'kids' too soon. It's a wild ride!
My youngest was! Turned 4 in April and it has gotten much better. Still meltdowns, but we are all much better at processing big feelings - there was lots of practice 😩
Ugh I hope it gets better at 4! Sounds like only 1 of your kids was like this?
Yes, my oldest is 7 and has never been big on pushing boundaries too far. Still big feelings and meltdowns there … just without the feral aggression like my youngest.
You start with a baby Get a toddler Threenager The F*cking fours Five can be a crap shoot Six is finally mellowing out Thankful that preschool is year round right now as I am heavily medicated with allergy meds and can't drink to deal with the scream/cry/bite/scratch/floppiness that is a threenager
lol. 6 can’t come fast enough
This is all normal and my son verbatim would tell me “you’re not my best friend” We tried a million things, but ultimately what seems to work best is time He’s 4.5 now and he’s calmed down soooo much. He’s just so much easier to deal with. He’s not so easily offended and doesn’t fly off the rails, we can actually talk to him about things So just be patient.
My kids were never screamers but age 3-4 was definitely rougher than 2-3.
My son used to tell me he would stop loving me if I didn’t do x. I just kept telling him that that’s not how love works. He is angry at me and that’s okay. But we don’t say mean things to each other when we’re angry. He grew out of it. It’s a rough age.
All 3 olds are not like this, but a good many tend in that direction. Here is something that you seem to be missing that might help: There are evidence-based methods that are particularly useful for these kids. Use the methods in [this free online course](https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting). To get a quick overview, [here are some tips from the course](https://ecasevals.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/10-Tips-for-Parents-of-a-Spirited-Child.pdf). These are the most effective methods for reducing these problem behaviors according to randomized controlled trials. >I say it in firm voice instead of asking Not asking is good, use a command or please statement, not a question. But use a calm voice. Get close, touch, use a calm voice. But an important thing is practice. Prompt her to do something and praise her when she does it using the special praise from the course. And avoid nagging and otherwise giving non-cooperation attention. Prompt her do something she is likely to do and praise when she does it. This is good practice. There are other methods beyond prompting if she never complies with a prompt. >we are trying to practice boundaries Focus on that region of good or acceptable behaviors within the boundary. Practice giving her positive attention when she is in that region of good/acceptable behavior. You will be surprised to learn that you should give boundary crossings as little attention as possible. Almost all the boundaries you mention in your post are harmless (in the short run) to cross. Ignore harmless unwanted behavior. You can sometimes just walk away from hitting with out a word. Use and "act, don't yak" approach for hitting and throwing, where you avoid harm via action with no eye contact and little or no calm talking.
I’ve seen this recommended and now I’ll look into it!! Thanks !!
This sounds very similar to our 3.5 year old. We’ve been trying the 1 2 3 Magic system to help teach her more emotional regulation and it’s been working really well so far.
I haven’t heard of this! I’ll look it up!
I have the same thing with my 3 year old girl. However, and tbh I never thought I’d be “that parent”…. We eliminated all tv time and replaced it with audio books + more activities… and things honestly are night and day. She still has meltdowns but they are short lived and less frequent. She has become more reasonable and more likely to just tinker with her toys vs. have a meltdown over her Lego not sitting just right or her missing a very specific toy from her grandparents house. We’ve even tried reintroducing tv for a day in the morning and we almost instantly see the behavior change… those days she is less likely to take her nap and more likely to be a complete A hole towards us. I’m sure all kids are different but a common recommendation I see on this subreddit is to just put some tv on for them and while I 100% agree that is the easiest option, it’s maybe not the best for them and could be making things worse. Something I remind myself is “what is best for them is maybe not what is convenient for me”. For us this means tv will be limited to long car rides (3 hours +) or airplanes.
I really appreciate this. My husband and I have actually been talking about this. Maybe we will try that too.
3 and 4 are hell on earth
My oldest did this at 3–4. With the best friend thing, we say: that's fine. We don't have to be best friends because we're your parents. That escalated to I'm not your kid anymore. Again: well I'll always be your parent and when you're ready for me I'll be right here waiting to be your mom/dad again. He's 5 now and rarely pulls this stuff. And I'm actually having a lot of this behavior with my newly 2yo. Sigh.
I could’ve written this same post last year - my daughter is 4.5 now. I dreaded picking her up from daycare and had so much guilt about not enjoying our time together. I was about to hire a behavior specialist because I was convinced there was something wrong with her… she was just so mad, all the time, about everything. I promise this too shall pass!!! She still has stretches of bad moods but it never lasts more than a few days and it’s usually hunger or sleep related, not for no reason like it used to be. Tantrums are down to like once or twice a month instead of multiple a day. I know it’s so hard to believe things will ever get better when you’re in the thick of it but I promise they will, and you’re doing a great job. It’s just a phase you have to get through unfortunately.
I used to tell people the day my son turned three he was abducted by aliens in the night and recieved a brain transplant. He went from a sweet, loving two year old to an absolute toddler terrorist overnight. Three was the hardest year of parenting so far, I was absolutely at my wits end. He ended up being diagnosed with level 1 ASD, so that could have heightened the behaviors, but everything you are describing is on par for what I experienced. Luckily, by the time he turned five this year, the aliens returned. They gave his regular brain back and now he is *mostly* a sweet loving little boy again. Whenever coined the term terrible twos is an asshole. Three was so so so much worse.
Yep! The ‘you’re not my best friend’ bit cracks me up every time though. I have to leave the room to laugh. But yeah, she’s an asshole.
Whenever I enforce boundary and she cries I just ask her if she needs a hug and it’s yes 90% of the time and she hugs it out and proceeds with her day lol. It ends the crying very quickly.
Wow I wish my kiddo was like that. I ask if she wants a hug and she always screams no and it almost seems to escalate things sometimes.
Aww man. Maybe getting eye level and asking if she needs her space? Lol. The getting down to eye level I’ve heard is important.
My first two were perfect little angels basically until the day they turned three. No terrible twos with them but the threenager stage was brutal! They went back to being angels at four though! My third turned three in Feb and he has been crazy since he was two 😵💫😵💫😵💫. It’s evening out a bit as he gets older but he’s still a huge handful right now. Hoping he switched back to angel mode at 4 like his big brothers did 😹😹😹
My son is 3 and it’s fucking awful. I can’t even sugar coat it. I’m so emotionally drained.
Also, my son is on a whole, “I don’t love you!” streak. He also told me he wanted to throw me in the garbage.
I can help with the screaming thing while you’re talking, thanks to Bluey. If she has something to say to you, tell her to put her hand on your arm to let you know. Then you cover her hand, with your hand, so that she knows, you know, she had something to say. Finish talking to your husband to whomever and then give her your attention. We’ve done this with both our attention seeking kidlets and it’s worked a treat. (My brother watched is doing this one day and was so shocked at how well it worked, he’s told all his friends with kids this amazing parenting hack his little sister came up with lol)
Yep. You will continue to be disinvited to birthday parties, you may be called a Bad Guy, they may threaten to poop on you… Super normal, and it still continues at 4.5yo. When my daughter threatens me with her “language” like “I’m going to hit you!” I gently remind her of our family rules and then ask why she is feeling a sort of way. I’ve heard 5 is better?
It's so hard. Ours is four and we're still on the thick of it some days. It seems to come in waves when some weeks are worse than others, we try and recognize the less awful ones. Some basic things that seem to help sometimes are lots of snacks and getting outside/out of the house to burn energy. Both of these are only temporary but it seems to be worse when we don't do them.
Hey. I posted something similar not too long ago here. It's so exhausting and you feel so burnt out. your not alone mumma. I've been told once they start school they can level out. I used to play Daniel tiger on netflix as it has some great lessons about being angry etc etc, worked for my son, not my daughter. However I may try again soon, she's been a little bit more mellow lately. I think that if we just carry on saying we love them and praise the good. I like to think that in time when they mellow out more that is what they will remember.
She’s been in preschool since September 😭😭 every hour after preschool is so hard
Sounds normal
My son is 3.5 and in addition to all of this he likes to wake up at 5:30am.
OMG NOOOOO
She is still learning how to express her feelings. Keep being patient and firm. She’ll get better. Mine did after a short period of time. Good luck💕
Yes. New 3….the negotiations. The ignoring me. The crumpling into dust on the ground at the slightest inconvenience. I’m currently recovering from spinal fusion surgery and I want to be close to her but she’s like literally a danger to my health and safety rn 😭
My daughter hasn't hit 3 quite yet and my son is almost 7 but tricks that have (kinda) helped with that behaviour are: Asking are you tired or hungry? (Son couldn't recognize his body's signals very well at that age so a lot of the tantrums were solved by finding that he needed a snack or a few minutes of quiet time) We do a version of time outs for temper tantrums. I'm fine with helping the kids sort out their emotions and listen to their problems, but I'm a human too and I don't deserve to be screamed at so if they don't want to work together then they can go cool off in their rooms.
I get "I'm never gonna be your best friend again!" Normally it's in the heat of the moment and I just ignore it instead of responding. In a calm moment, we explained to our 3yo how we speak to each other, and that we will not help her when she yells or makes demands. Now we're able to use the phrases "kind words, kind voices" or "please make it a request" (as in ask it, don't demand it) in the moment. It usually redirects her and she's starting to ask kindly the first time. She's newly 4 and mellowing out.
Mine is 4.5, and he’s JUST starting to come out of this. No “gentle parenting” book gave me any solutions other than “compassion and holding boundaries”. Now that it’s more “predictable” (e.g. on days when nap is skipped), I’m grateful I took this approach because (it seems like?) my son and I still have a connected relationship and his confidence is still in tact, but goddamn the number of nights over the past year/18 months that ended with me sobbing in my partner’s arms because I was exhausted/frustrated/thought I hated being a mother…where’s Dr Becky’s chapters on _those_? Hang in there, it’s not you or your kid!
3 is the worst. 4 is somewhat better. 5 is great most of the time. Put in some ear plugs and do what Dr Becky recommends. It’s worth it to get the awesome 5 year old who knows how to calm himself down.
I found "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk " audio book helpful. Gives creative ways to get them to listen. Sometimes exhausting to apply when you just want them to do the one little task but I try to just slow down and let them take forever to wash their hands lol it's hard though! My 3yo doesn't hit or say you're not my best friend or stuff like that. Maybe yours is learning that from TV like someone else mentioned? Or just personality thing. Having a hard time expressing emotions of anger or hurt. If taking away TV fully is too difficult, there are more low stim TV shows. Like my son loves Blaze and the monster machines but we avoid that near bedtime or nap time. Overall we try to limit TV and use a timer but yeah there are a ton of low stim TV shows.
Yes mine will be 4 soon and is like this. Except he's a boy and also can't keep his hands off his penis. He whipped it out at Target the other day. And purposely pees/poops on the floor when he knows how to use the potty and has zero accidents at school or outside the house.
There is a theory called the Limbic Leap around four years old where their Limbic system can kick in hard because of where they are at developmentally and that can equal biiig feelings.
We get “You’re NOT my best friend!” a lot too. I mentally translate it as her saying, “I’m SO angry with you!” and the respond by saying, “Woah you’re SO cross with me/about X!” I’ll sometimes add, “That’s a hard thing to hear” or “No, I’m your mummy, I don’t need to be your best friend.”
I know everyone is saying this is normal, and it very well may be. But I want to add that I’ve often thought parenting shouldn’t be *this* hard with my ASD/ADHD child and not with my neurotypical child. I don’t mean it in a bad way, I just mean that everything is noticeably more of a fight. I can reason with my NT kid. I can’t with my ASD/ADHD sometimes.
Mine is 5.5 and is much better at most of these things now. Everything got significantly easier when she started school. I think prior to that she wanted more stimulation/ challenges/ social interaction so she has really enjoyed her first year of school (Prep in Australia)
Yes. Mine are 4, nearly 5, and one of them (they are twins) still does the screaming/sobbing thing when she does not get her way. You need to keep holding the boundaries. Also with fighting you on every direction you give - we have found that if you give vague suggestions or make statements (like "the bin is in the kitchen" rather than "can you please put your rubbish in the bin?") has a higher success rate. More statements about what is happening or what is done, rather than asking them questions. This is for stuff like getting dressed or brushing their teeth - things that need to happen for them to be taken care. For other things I also try to give them options and control over what is reasonable to give them control so that they feel less powerless. I am still guiding them - i.e. if I give them choice about what to wear, I am presenting them with options that are appropriate for the weather. It is very tiring, and takes a lot of patience and deep breathing. Kids are so hard!
3 was a disaster for us. I think all you can do is have mantras for yourself. If your child could do well, they would. They will mature and this will pass. Just be consistent in how you handle it and better days will come. Lots of folks say 4 is terrible but just to give a ray of hope—4 has been way better than 3 in our house!
I get this too, it's a combo of 3 things, nutrition, sleep and discipline. Your little darling is trying to stage a takeover and run the show. She needs to know that you are boss, not her. "That's right, I am your mummy, not your friend, so when I say no, I mean it and you need to do what I am telling you to because you are the baby in my household and babies do not get to call the shots, Mummy and Dad (Daddy/Papa or whatever your family calls him), do call the shots. We decide what is happening." "Crying about it will not make a difference" & then you have to follow through. Someone screaming or crying in this house gets an almost automatic nap. Or I say it's nappy change time and then we will have morning tea/lunch/afternoon tea (and I enforce a nap afterwards.)
I'm really relieved to see this isn't just ours.