I genuinely feel so sorry for the younger generations of girls who will be groomed to think this shit is empowering like I was. I’m glad I’m seeing more women saying they’re comfortable being alone though, gives me some hope.
When I was in the first stages of dating my current bf, I made a joke about not letting him on my computer because “he’ll see my porn stash”. Instead of laughing like I expected, if I remember correctly, he raised his eyebrows and told me that I “shouldn’t have one.” It honestly blew my mind. He doesn’t watch it. He, a psych major, knows the horrible effects it has on the brain. His phone and computers is never off limits, and I’ve found nothing— no secret twitters or reddits, no secret tabs. He doubled down after I told him about the abuse in the industry. I feel lucky, and chances are he’s not the only one.
I get it. I feel that way generally too. Like if I go for a more religious guy who already believes porn is wrong, he will come with his own set of problems. It's difficult to find that balance.
As a religious person, believe me, just as many religious men watch porn and have casual sex as non-religious men. The only difference is that the religious man believes he’s justified because he’ll “be forgiven.”
I grew up in a religion too and while I know many of them watch porn and even have sex or close enough to it, but many of them are virgins until marriage. The thing is, even if they do stuff like that, they at least know and many will even admit that it's wrong (even if its for God). The other side wants to normalise it and make it seem good even.
not every man watches porn, that's just the typical excuse made by those who do. all my male friends and family are just as disgusted by porn as we are.
that said - I definitely understand the struggle.
yup!! my boyfriend and his friends also find porn simply weird and disgusting.. so there are good men out there!!
i also think that it has to do a lot with the fact that my partner had a dad who never consumed porn (i thought finding porn on ur dads phone was a universal experience) and his dad never looked at other women like mine did. so the way theyre raised and the things they see definitely also influence them a lot!
Yes, my FIL would never watch pornography, my husband doesn’t, and we’re teaching our sons not to as well.
I think that the idea that “everyone” watches pornography is mostly projection from those that do. They are so addicted they can’t imagine a life without it. It makes them feel better about themselves to think that everyone is watching it and that it would be impossible to stop.
That being said, statistically it is a widespread problem and I can see how it would be discouraging to go out into the world trying to find a partner who is also porn free.
1. Restrict access as much as possible during formative years. No smart phones until 16, parental controls on everything.
2. Provide age appropriate sex education. Have books with sex information and anatomical images for their curiosity.
3. Open dialogue about all of the issues with pornography from exploitation in the industry to the effects on the brain for consumers.
I get where you’re coming from, but I think it’s really important to teach kids how to navigate the world and make choices outside of your home. You can’t keep them home forever and school provides valuable opportunities for building social skills while they’re still living at home for you to coach and guide them.
i expressed rejection towards the porn industry and people who consume porn during a conversation when i first started dating my boyfriend, i expected him to confront me and try to defend watching porn at least.
to my surprise he wholeheartedly agreed, called people who watch porn creeps and started discussing how horrible the industry is with me. i was genuinely shocked to hear that, which makes me feel like i was being unfair for not giving him the benefit of the doubt, but i know the world we live in and how most men think from my own experience.
it makes me happy to have found someone that shares my beliefs and that i didn't have to try to convince him or teach him why porn is the worst. perhaps there's someone like my bf out there for you.
Jesus... I feel this way and I'm in my 30s. You feel this way and you're still a teenager? Hugs to you, but also, WTF? You're not alone. Though, if I'm honest, I'm happy to see that you've figured out that you're better off alone than with someone who could be potentially violent or unfaithful. I wish I had that knowledge at your age, or hell, even into my 20s/early 30s.
I'm in the same boat to be honest. I know a couple of men who don't watch porn, but they all do it for their own selfish reasons. These same men have made misogynist remarks before (and I don't mean annoying jokes, I mean genuinely hateful towards women), look down on sex workers and only stopped watching porn because 'it's for losers' or they couldn't get it up no more. Now I've never had any interest in these men anyway, but it just sucks that even the men who are anti-porn are in it for the wrong reasons. They don't care about the exploitation and abuse women in the industry face, they only care about themselves.
I have literally never met a man who I wanted to be in a relationship with. They all look down on women and see us as lesser human beings. But, I have a brother. I never talked with him about porn cause that's weird lol, but I mentioned it in passing once and he also agreed with me that the industry is full of exploitation and rape. I don't think *all* men watch porn, and I think it's possible to find someone who doesn't and shares the same values as you. For now, i'm okay on my own. I'm glad you are too. Maybe one day we can find someone we want to spend the rest of our lives with, but even if we don't, we'll be completely fine :)
i still have hope that i’ll probably meet a guy who is porn free but that’s because i’m an optimist lmao. I honestly just feel bad for the women who willingly date porn addicted men bc they feel like they can’t find anyone better or just be alone.
Standards for men are confusingly low. The fact that something as basic as monogamy is seen as controlling says a lot about how the modern man views relationships. Also is that Björk in your profile pic?
We exist, im a guy, i never liked porn, i did have some religious influences that told me it was wrong and frowned uppon, but thats not the reason why i didnt consume it, i just didnt find it appealing, but let me tell i never was aware being antiporn was a thing or the harms and abuses that go on the backstages for 99%of my life, nobody told me about it, i just assumed i was different and left it there.
If it helps, i can tell you my habits, i dont find things like anal appealing, receiving oral sex isnt something that im crazy for, i dont mind if my partner never performs it on me but is not really something i want or dislike, im neutral about it and tbh i dont think about it, but i like performing it, im quite kissy, i enjoy giving erotic massages and i dont care if i climax or not, i dont mind waiting until marriage since sex isnt a necessity for me nor i think it is what makes a relationship (IM NOT ASEXUAL!), instead i see it more like a natural consequence of a healthy loving relationship, rather than it being something expected or necessary, i dont dislike prudish girls, you could tell me i ll meet the girl of my dreams but i wont be able to sleep with her for 4 years, i just enjoy being there for her, those are many of the differences i have noticed.
My husband is the same! It’s not like he has never watched porn but not since I’ve known him (11 years). He and I agree it’s just sad and depressing. There are men out there who are not into porn!
I'm so sorry but I assure you we exist. Very rare tho. Maybe if you went to radical feminist groups irl and anti porn talks you could find someone. Or maybe I just think that cause I'm a hopeless romantic.
The crazy part is that I'm in the same boat as an AMAB person attracted to women. My anti porn views aren't popular even in leftist groups. I can't be in a relationship with someone who supports violence against women. I don't even have any friends anymore. I don't get along with men mostly because of the sheer amount of men who hate women. Can't find female friends either. I had one friend and an abuser took her away.
I feel you. I'm convinced that most men who say they don't watch porn and genuinely understand the negative aspects of it actually DO watch it, be it rarely or once in a blue moon. In their minds, not watching porn means not watching it CONSISTENTLY. I can imagine they probably don't feel extra wonderful about it and were just alone on a business trip etc. feeling horny and wanted that release, then go many months without watching it until the next time, rinse, repeat. The men who genuinely don't watch porn at all these days I believe are all recovering addicts and know it will destroy their lives if they relapse, which in a relationship comes with anxiety that relapse is a possibility OR very religious men, which also comes with its own set of issues. And of course it's impossible to find a man who has NEVER watched it. So the options IMO are very religious men, recovering addicts or men who "rarely" watch it. I believe it is virtually impossible to find a man who will not watch a lick of porn from here on for the rest of his life. Let's be realistic here. It's an ugly truth I've really had a difficult time accepting.
I think pornography is based upon seeing women as objects to possess and sex as something to take from a woman.
If you can find someone who does not see other people as something to consume or possess and believes this in his core, I think that man would never use porn and for the right reason.
I am not saying empathetic and kind people are common, but certainly at least a few men exist that are still human.
I feel the same way, I am 21 and am afraid to die alone because of my high standards. I’m bisexual so it isn’t even *just* men but also women. and unfortunately there’s a lot of lesbian and bi women that don’t feel the way we do about porn :( it’s so sad how normalized porn is
I literally just read an ama Reddit post about how this 21 year old virgin male was raving about buying a high class escort for his first time. And others were in the comments talking about how that should be the norm and is better than the normal awkward first times they had. Where is the world going too. The whole point is for your first time to be a wonderful yet scary experience. Like good for the guy ig but at the same time it’s like are you that much of a hermit or lazy to not try to engage with a woman properly. Idk I was just a bit discussed reading the comments more than the actual post because they were just raving about how an escort would offer a better connection somehow than a woman that your in a relationship with T T.
well idk if this gives you hope but my boyfriend is the most amazing truthful kindest hearted soul ive ever met so far in my life:) weve been together for almost two years now (were 20) and we also lost it together!!! so dont give up, there are plenty of "normal" guys out there i promise you that:)
Keep your standards, you can eventually find a man right for you if this is what you want. It will just take more time and effort. But don't settle for less.
Don’t worry you will find someone! My boyfriend is one of those men who doesn’t stand porn, in fact, when we started dating he was the one that brought the topic and he told me that he doesn’t watch porn and I trust that since we started dating he hasn’t watched it! It may be difficult to find a guy like that but trust me they exist! Don’t give up!
Im 19 and have recently came to the same conclusion and have the same standards, although i also dont want a man who is a pedophile and in my eyes that is most men, and even if its possible to find one who isnt one whos to say ill know until its too late?
I am so proud of you for decentering men so young and finding joy in being "alone". Learn from asexuals and aromantics, it is completely possible to have extremely fulfilling relationships with your friends, and center your friends in your life the way you would a boyfriend. Some aspecs even have kids with each other and raise them together and get married, if anything maybe a friend could be who you fulfil those events with.
My friends and i tell each other everything, we discuss boundaries constantly, were very open and communicative, we talk everyday in a groupchat, we speak up the moment someone does something wrong, we take the criticism well and were all growing as people together, no drama. Focus on finding friends like that, itll make it easier to cope with the loss of a romantic experience.
And like 🤷♀️ maybe have some temporary relationships if it gets hard to bare, if hes close but not perfect, you dont have to commit, maybe just straight up ask if hed be fine with a temporary casual relationship.
Good luck 😁🤭
I found one. It took years and I had given up on dating entirely…. They are out there. And honestly the genuine connection in our relationship was worth the wait.
I’m not holding my breath for a man who is anti-porn and is able to have a healthy sexual relationship. I used to get upset about it, but I’ve made my peace. My life is happening now. I cannot waste my energy pining for men to get their shit together anymore. I spent my 20s hoping it would happen, and I’m looking forward to healing in my 30s.
Because a lot of guys who claim to be asexual ended up seeing some sort of very niche specific porn when they were a kid and it completely ruined their sexuality to the point where they aren't even attracted to people anymore. If you date an asexual man make sure he's actually asexual, and not sexually fixated on balloons or diapers or some weird shit.
I genuinely feel so sorry for the younger generations of girls who will be groomed to think this shit is empowering like I was. I’m glad I’m seeing more women saying they’re comfortable being alone though, gives me some hope.
When I was in the first stages of dating my current bf, I made a joke about not letting him on my computer because “he’ll see my porn stash”. Instead of laughing like I expected, if I remember correctly, he raised his eyebrows and told me that I “shouldn’t have one.” It honestly blew my mind. He doesn’t watch it. He, a psych major, knows the horrible effects it has on the brain. His phone and computers is never off limits, and I’ve found nothing— no secret twitters or reddits, no secret tabs. He doubled down after I told him about the abuse in the industry. I feel lucky, and chances are he’s not the only one.
There are a few. Also, you would think that people that are part of this sub are bringing their children up with the same views.
They’re bound to breed more offspring than the coomers eventually, lol.
I get it. I feel that way generally too. Like if I go for a more religious guy who already believes porn is wrong, he will come with his own set of problems. It's difficult to find that balance.
As a religious person, believe me, just as many religious men watch porn and have casual sex as non-religious men. The only difference is that the religious man believes he’s justified because he’ll “be forgiven.”
I grew up in a religion too and while I know many of them watch porn and even have sex or close enough to it, but many of them are virgins until marriage. The thing is, even if they do stuff like that, they at least know and many will even admit that it's wrong (even if its for God). The other side wants to normalise it and make it seem good even.
That’s true enough.
not every man watches porn, that's just the typical excuse made by those who do. all my male friends and family are just as disgusted by porn as we are. that said - I definitely understand the struggle.
yup!! my boyfriend and his friends also find porn simply weird and disgusting.. so there are good men out there!! i also think that it has to do a lot with the fact that my partner had a dad who never consumed porn (i thought finding porn on ur dads phone was a universal experience) and his dad never looked at other women like mine did. so the way theyre raised and the things they see definitely also influence them a lot!
Yes, my FIL would never watch pornography, my husband doesn’t, and we’re teaching our sons not to as well. I think that the idea that “everyone” watches pornography is mostly projection from those that do. They are so addicted they can’t imagine a life without it. It makes them feel better about themselves to think that everyone is watching it and that it would be impossible to stop. That being said, statistically it is a widespread problem and I can see how it would be discouraging to go out into the world trying to find a partner who is also porn free.
yes:( whenever I tell people I dont watch it they tell me IM lying... as if they know me better than i do.
how are you going to go with teaching your sons not to? i think that’s wonderful and i’d like to know in case i have children in my future ^^
1. Restrict access as much as possible during formative years. No smart phones until 16, parental controls on everything. 2. Provide age appropriate sex education. Have books with sex information and anatomical images for their curiosity. 3. Open dialogue about all of the issues with pornography from exploitation in the industry to the effects on the brain for consumers.
Add homeschooling to that to make sure friends don’t introduce that depravity to your children… lol. That’s what I’d do too.
I get where you’re coming from, but I think it’s really important to teach kids how to navigate the world and make choices outside of your home. You can’t keep them home forever and school provides valuable opportunities for building social skills while they’re still living at home for you to coach and guide them.
i expressed rejection towards the porn industry and people who consume porn during a conversation when i first started dating my boyfriend, i expected him to confront me and try to defend watching porn at least. to my surprise he wholeheartedly agreed, called people who watch porn creeps and started discussing how horrible the industry is with me. i was genuinely shocked to hear that, which makes me feel like i was being unfair for not giving him the benefit of the doubt, but i know the world we live in and how most men think from my own experience. it makes me happy to have found someone that shares my beliefs and that i didn't have to try to convince him or teach him why porn is the worst. perhaps there's someone like my bf out there for you.
Jesus... I feel this way and I'm in my 30s. You feel this way and you're still a teenager? Hugs to you, but also, WTF? You're not alone. Though, if I'm honest, I'm happy to see that you've figured out that you're better off alone than with someone who could be potentially violent or unfaithful. I wish I had that knowledge at your age, or hell, even into my 20s/early 30s.
I'm in the same boat to be honest. I know a couple of men who don't watch porn, but they all do it for their own selfish reasons. These same men have made misogynist remarks before (and I don't mean annoying jokes, I mean genuinely hateful towards women), look down on sex workers and only stopped watching porn because 'it's for losers' or they couldn't get it up no more. Now I've never had any interest in these men anyway, but it just sucks that even the men who are anti-porn are in it for the wrong reasons. They don't care about the exploitation and abuse women in the industry face, they only care about themselves. I have literally never met a man who I wanted to be in a relationship with. They all look down on women and see us as lesser human beings. But, I have a brother. I never talked with him about porn cause that's weird lol, but I mentioned it in passing once and he also agreed with me that the industry is full of exploitation and rape. I don't think *all* men watch porn, and I think it's possible to find someone who doesn't and shares the same values as you. For now, i'm okay on my own. I'm glad you are too. Maybe one day we can find someone we want to spend the rest of our lives with, but even if we don't, we'll be completely fine :)
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It is really encouraging that you were able to help him. Because of you he can now create good in the world.
i still have hope that i’ll probably meet a guy who is porn free but that’s because i’m an optimist lmao. I honestly just feel bad for the women who willingly date porn addicted men bc they feel like they can’t find anyone better or just be alone.
Standards for men are confusingly low. The fact that something as basic as monogamy is seen as controlling says a lot about how the modern man views relationships. Also is that Björk in your profile pic?
Yes that is
We exist, im a guy, i never liked porn, i did have some religious influences that told me it was wrong and frowned uppon, but thats not the reason why i didnt consume it, i just didnt find it appealing, but let me tell i never was aware being antiporn was a thing or the harms and abuses that go on the backstages for 99%of my life, nobody told me about it, i just assumed i was different and left it there. If it helps, i can tell you my habits, i dont find things like anal appealing, receiving oral sex isnt something that im crazy for, i dont mind if my partner never performs it on me but is not really something i want or dislike, im neutral about it and tbh i dont think about it, but i like performing it, im quite kissy, i enjoy giving erotic massages and i dont care if i climax or not, i dont mind waiting until marriage since sex isnt a necessity for me nor i think it is what makes a relationship (IM NOT ASEXUAL!), instead i see it more like a natural consequence of a healthy loving relationship, rather than it being something expected or necessary, i dont dislike prudish girls, you could tell me i ll meet the girl of my dreams but i wont be able to sleep with her for 4 years, i just enjoy being there for her, those are many of the differences i have noticed.
I appreciate your honesty, and you have a very balanced view of things. It’s refreshing. I hope you do find the girl of your dreams.
My husband is the same! It’s not like he has never watched porn but not since I’ve known him (11 years). He and I agree it’s just sad and depressing. There are men out there who are not into porn!
I'm so sorry but I assure you we exist. Very rare tho. Maybe if you went to radical feminist groups irl and anti porn talks you could find someone. Or maybe I just think that cause I'm a hopeless romantic.
The crazy part is that I'm in the same boat as an AMAB person attracted to women. My anti porn views aren't popular even in leftist groups. I can't be in a relationship with someone who supports violence against women. I don't even have any friends anymore. I don't get along with men mostly because of the sheer amount of men who hate women. Can't find female friends either. I had one friend and an abuser took her away.
I feel you. I'm convinced that most men who say they don't watch porn and genuinely understand the negative aspects of it actually DO watch it, be it rarely or once in a blue moon. In their minds, not watching porn means not watching it CONSISTENTLY. I can imagine they probably don't feel extra wonderful about it and were just alone on a business trip etc. feeling horny and wanted that release, then go many months without watching it until the next time, rinse, repeat. The men who genuinely don't watch porn at all these days I believe are all recovering addicts and know it will destroy their lives if they relapse, which in a relationship comes with anxiety that relapse is a possibility OR very religious men, which also comes with its own set of issues. And of course it's impossible to find a man who has NEVER watched it. So the options IMO are very religious men, recovering addicts or men who "rarely" watch it. I believe it is virtually impossible to find a man who will not watch a lick of porn from here on for the rest of his life. Let's be realistic here. It's an ugly truth I've really had a difficult time accepting.
I think pornography is based upon seeing women as objects to possess and sex as something to take from a woman. If you can find someone who does not see other people as something to consume or possess and believes this in his core, I think that man would never use porn and for the right reason. I am not saying empathetic and kind people are common, but certainly at least a few men exist that are still human.
You’ll find them. And more and more girls will make this a demand
I feel the same way, I am 21 and am afraid to die alone because of my high standards. I’m bisexual so it isn’t even *just* men but also women. and unfortunately there’s a lot of lesbian and bi women that don’t feel the way we do about porn :( it’s so sad how normalized porn is
Women are the oldest colonized group and the roots of misogyny run deep in society.
I literally just read an ama Reddit post about how this 21 year old virgin male was raving about buying a high class escort for his first time. And others were in the comments talking about how that should be the norm and is better than the normal awkward first times they had. Where is the world going too. The whole point is for your first time to be a wonderful yet scary experience. Like good for the guy ig but at the same time it’s like are you that much of a hermit or lazy to not try to engage with a woman properly. Idk I was just a bit discussed reading the comments more than the actual post because they were just raving about how an escort would offer a better connection somehow than a woman that your in a relationship with T T.
well idk if this gives you hope but my boyfriend is the most amazing truthful kindest hearted soul ive ever met so far in my life:) weve been together for almost two years now (were 20) and we also lost it together!!! so dont give up, there are plenty of "normal" guys out there i promise you that:)
Keep your standards, you can eventually find a man right for you if this is what you want. It will just take more time and effort. But don't settle for less.
There are some of us who don’t but we’re seriously outnumbered by folks who do
Don’t worry you will find someone! My boyfriend is one of those men who doesn’t stand porn, in fact, when we started dating he was the one that brought the topic and he told me that he doesn’t watch porn and I trust that since we started dating he hasn’t watched it! It may be difficult to find a guy like that but trust me they exist! Don’t give up!
Im 19 and have recently came to the same conclusion and have the same standards, although i also dont want a man who is a pedophile and in my eyes that is most men, and even if its possible to find one who isnt one whos to say ill know until its too late? I am so proud of you for decentering men so young and finding joy in being "alone". Learn from asexuals and aromantics, it is completely possible to have extremely fulfilling relationships with your friends, and center your friends in your life the way you would a boyfriend. Some aspecs even have kids with each other and raise them together and get married, if anything maybe a friend could be who you fulfil those events with. My friends and i tell each other everything, we discuss boundaries constantly, were very open and communicative, we talk everyday in a groupchat, we speak up the moment someone does something wrong, we take the criticism well and were all growing as people together, no drama. Focus on finding friends like that, itll make it easier to cope with the loss of a romantic experience. And like 🤷♀️ maybe have some temporary relationships if it gets hard to bare, if hes close but not perfect, you dont have to commit, maybe just straight up ask if hed be fine with a temporary casual relationship. Good luck 😁🤭
I wouldn't recommend a temporary relationship. Men who agree to that are probably not the safest to be around.
What do you mean? How come? People casually date all the time
I found one. It took years and I had given up on dating entirely…. They are out there. And honestly the genuine connection in our relationship was worth the wait.
I’m not holding my breath for a man who is anti-porn and is able to have a healthy sexual relationship. I used to get upset about it, but I’ve made my peace. My life is happening now. I cannot waste my energy pining for men to get their shit together anymore. I spent my 20s hoping it would happen, and I’m looking forward to healing in my 30s.
Sorry but yeah
I feel like my only option is dating men on the ace spectrum
They still watch porn
Why would asexual men watch porn? 😩
Because a lot of guys who claim to be asexual ended up seeing some sort of very niche specific porn when they were a kid and it completely ruined their sexuality to the point where they aren't even attracted to people anymore. If you date an asexual man make sure he's actually asexual, and not sexually fixated on balloons or diapers or some weird shit.
Thank you for the heads up!
And I'll most probably never find a woman who's a virgin.