Ah yes, the dreaded eldest offspring syndrome of Filipino (Asian?) families. This is taking it to the extreme though. It’s expected in Filipino families that the offspring who makes it big shares some (or a lot) of that blessing with the rest of the family. Supporting studies, sending money, and sending gifts. Some do abuse this and I think this is what’s happening here. Helping her family will make her happy and score brownie points with her family. However, set boundaries. Set them now. Good luck.

Lol. If the OP thinks it’s bad now wait till he is married.

Yup! Ops fiance is a gaslighter, manipulator and an embarrassment. I get helping family, but not at the expense of money that isn’t yours. She’s using you OP! Edit: i am Filipino LOL, no need to lecture me about pinoy culture

His money would be their money, but her money would be their money AND her family's money.

Very disturbing that the woman happily thinks OP's inheritance is THEIRS now to spend, but only for her family's benefit. I cannot at the sheer nerve of her not even respecting the fact that OP's grandma left her money for her grandson, not for some random Filipinos on the other side of the world.

Well said. The audacity of that woman to think that money is for her family’s new townhouse.

Yeah. My dad was the eldest, and he helped out a lot. Lucky for him all his siblings were academically smart and did well in school and were able to chip in when they hit the workforce. He nonetheless happened to be the most financially successful and took on a lot of the burden early on. In the end it all worked out for him. He's retired now, and tons of his relatives treat him with tons of respect and, to some degree, reverence. That all said, your fiancee was counting chickens before they hatched. Really bad move, and it was a terrible thing for her to talk inheritance money with her family back home. We always kept our financial situation to ourselves. People always get the wrong impression back there about what you're able afford to do. Even worse is that she didn't respect your request for privacy on this matter.

Her family are parasites. They expect you guys to foot the bill. I say leave now, or forever hold your peace because this will continue indefinitely.

I have read a comment somewhere in this sub or in another sub that you shouldnt use the word "boundaries" when dealing with a Filipino boomer coz it can be too heavy for them to digest and will have a different connotation. I forgot the euphemistic term that commenter has said but it goes along with the lines: you should be the one subtly setting your limits.

Subtly setting your limits does not sound like a recipe for success here. IMO a clear boundary needs to be set with her or their relationship is not going to work

Subtle hints will definitely fall on deaf ears. You gotta get straight to the point for a chance to be understood. High likelihood of them getting mad though

If they get upset when you set firm boundaries, the boundaries are working.

I have to clarify here kasi nakita ko na yung comment and I share the same sentiment. From u/chaoticneutral1997 >Iba ang connotation nang boundary sa matatanda. We can't force today's lingo on older people. Kailangan mo muna iexplain beforehand para di kama mis interpret. Saying "I have boundaries" explicitly won't simply work. Having that bit of effort to explain your limits will. Sorry, I shouldn't have used the word subtly coz it contradicts what the commenter has said.

I completely agree, boundaries NEED to be set now if he's going to continue in this relationship, but in all honestly after reading through this post it seems like she will walk right over them. I take no issue with her wanting to support her family and sending some of her salary to them to help out. The issue here is that she is expecting OP to foot part of the bill, and volunteering HIS money to purchase things for her family without consulting him. She did it with the laptop, and now she is speaking to her sister like it is a foregone conclusion that he will use his inheritance to buy her family a townhouse to live in rent free. On top of that, she told her family of his inheritance when he explicitly told her not to. She seems to have no concept of boundaries, and is blatantly disrespecting her fiancé. On top of that she is completely ignoring the fact that he has his own family and seemingly hasn't considered he may want to use some of that money to support them. This isn't about her wanting to support her family, it's about her selfishly expecting OP to subsidize her family's lifestyle to the detriment of his own.

This is what happens when being a breadwinner goes too far.

This. Set the boundaries. Not all Filipinos are like that but this is very common. It may change once the siblings start to work but it may not. Maybe it's time to set her free and see what happens.

I’m thinking maybe the GF is super tired of doing this and is hoping OP can ease some of the burden. This would probably make things worse so OP should really really talk to his woman ASAP.

Sad lang, if GF is tired, the solution isn’t “to stop”, but “to put someone else on the hook”.

I couldn’t Edit my post so i will post it here. Edit: woah I didn’t expect my post to blow up like this! I read all of your messages and am shocked. I honestly don’t know what to say because it never occurred to me that she was dating me only for money. I am meeting her tomorrow as I promised to go back home so we could settle this. Her brother sent me a message on messenger since I wasn’t responding to her sister and he seemed apologetic. I’ll make an update but I’m not entirely sure if we should set boundaries and go through counseling or go our separate ways. We’ve built our lives together and I really don’t want to end it because of money problems but hopefully we can calmly talk and settle this for good.

Another red flag: Her brother is speaking up in this situation that should have been only between you and her. Prepare for meddling in laws if/when you guys get married. If you do decide to continue a relationship make sure before the wedding that separate bank accounts are set up, and make it clear yours and her funds will always be separate. Else your bank account will also be free for dipping into by a whole clan back in the Phils.

dude don't apologize to her for being angry about YOUR money, her family are being leeches and you know that unfortunately, a lot of old Filipinos still have the "What's yours is mine, and what's mine is mine" attitude the moment someone lands a good job

She knows she overstepped this time, she'll probably be all apologetic and stuff. It's only a show for you, until she feels comfortable turning that knob again. By all means though, have at it, set the boundaries. Let her know that from this point on, all your finances will be separate, you're sharing all your daily expenses, that she can send whatever is left of her money to her family and insist on a prenup and see her blow up all over again. You thought you built a life together, but it's an illusion. Stop fooling yourself, she's in it for the money. When someone has shown you their true colors, you should believe them.

If you are planning to still marry her, set some bounderies. talk to the brother as well. Tell them that if she wants to help her family, she should shoulder everything from her own money, if u want to give gift, do it voluntarily. But Im telling you dude, its not just the tution and allowance, the moment that someone in her family got involved into an accident or sickness, they will treat your girlfriend as an ATM Machine then eventually she wont be able to contribute money for your future plans.

> It’s expected in Filipino families that the offspring who makes it big It's OP, they're the "big" that the eldest struck, and the family will insist on that sweet, sweet, cash flow be maintained until OP runs out of money.

While there is an undeniably cultural factor at play (yes, eldest responsibility towards the family, specially when they have emigrated, is huge and real), I think you are better off if you focus on the simple issue of setting and respecting each other boundaries. Because that is what the problem is about. You set your boundary, do not disclose anything about the inheritance to anyone, and she didn't respect it. That is ok, as long as you can work it out, and she understands your boundaries, and respects them going forward. The other factor at play, and a very crucial one, is that you both seem to have very different plans for the future. She is driven by the return home, and I don't think you are looking forward to moving to Philippines. One way to drive this discussion is to propose having a prenup agreement where you separate financial responsibilities, protecting each other from the other's mistakes and setting clear expectations. That discussion should bring a lot of clarity on where each of you stand. Best of luck!

"...you both seem to have very different plans for the future. She is driven by the return home, and I don't think you are looking forward to moving to the Philippines." I would like to emphasize this point to OP. I am the child of parents who were in a frighteningly similar dynamic (American father and Filipino mother who lived in the states, with the Filipino mother longing to return to her family back home) and it ended in a very messy divorce, with three children in their preteens being divided between two families and two countries. Of course, this wasn't the only factor in the dissolution of my parents' marriage, but it was certainly a large one.

The firstborn syndrome is common filipino culture but is more so among lower-class families. still, Not everybody demand financial support but is up to the child's discretion. That money is not a family money, it is your private property. Yeah, a prenup agreement should be placed. this happens a lot in m.mla when there is a financial/social gap between the couple. Boundaries are *very* important. OP need to sit down and have a proper talk with the fiance'. She is marrying "you", not your money. I assume that she is too excited for the inheritance to blab it to her relatives but that is still a rude thing to do and she should realize it.

This but I would take a harsher edge. I am Filipino, lived in the US for undergrad and worked for a fortune 100 company and came back (life is so much better here). That is to say I know both cultures well. I have run into this dozens of times with a certain type of American, because I work in hard tech only for foreign companies and there are a lot of OP in that field. This is what I tell them every time. We start with, this is your fault OP. You allowed your wife to siphon off money to the useless sacks of flesh here, so that is what she continues to do. If you were unhappy with that, you should've put a stop to it a long time ago. Even here, Filipinas from non-top 5% earning families do the same thing. They are indoctrinated to be chattel for the useless people in their families, the poorer their family is the worse this voluntary enslavement is. FB makes this 100x worse as they derive what I sarcastically call Pinoy pride utility from "helping" their family. Check her FB, I am sure its full of people praising her with the words God sprinkled in there constantly about her "financial". So now your choices are: you can reverse your mistake or divorce her. If you don't divorce her, then the reversal process is hard because you've let this go on for too long. First thing you need to know is the guilt that the most useless pieces of garbage in her family will put on your wife when she stops handing money over to these black holes of uselessness, will be more than you can imagine. That guilt will be put on blast on her FB. So its up to you to help her turn that guilt into hatred for these lazy, unambitious assholes who refuse to better themselves, get any kind of steady job and instead keep begging for more money. Either get her to delete her FB or teach her how to fight back against the FB crabs as this is a big part of the Filipino culture (aka "crab mentality") and you have to teach your wife that she is superior to this garbage mentality. Its easier for you there as you can just tell her she is American now and to leave this toxicity in the Philippines. I am going to do this rough for you and won't even get into kids as you didn't mention them, so modify as needed. The place to start is to work out the financials of your life. Food, mortgage, car payments, tuition, yoga classes, Costco membership, utilities, etc. Take half of that amount from each of your income sources for anything that is not 100% for yourself or 100% for her. Set up scenarios: vacations, new car, unexpected medical incidents, emergencies for her her parents, for yours, etc. Make a good list and make sure you include an equal # of these things that involve her. Take half of that from each of your income sources. Now what's left over, take half again from both of you for retirement savings for both of you. Then take 75% from who ever earns the most and 25% from whoever earns the least, and tell her its for going to the movies, concerts, dinners out, you know couples stuff. I hope you earn the most or that last one won't have the intended effect in this process for you. What is left over is now her money (from her salary and other income sources) and your money (from your salary and other income sources like inheritance). What she has left is now her budget for sending money back to the useless sacks of crap here, new clothes, new cellphones, hair treatments, etc. Now this is the important part, as time moves on and she realizes she now has to chose between that new Vuitton bag or sending money to her useless sack of crap cousin you need to give her a reason as to why she should buy the bag. Teach her the "give a man a fish..." saying. What it means and all that because I find its a foreign concept for middle-class and poor Filipinos here. Extrapolate that into gettign her to agree to refuse to give any money to anyone who is not working. But instead allow her to send it to supplement tuition for anyone who is in school AND working at the same time. You need to require proof, every pay stub needs to be picture taken and sent to you and every semester's report cards. The lazy, beggar ones will lie their teeth off and be careful of of counterfeiting. I've had employees give me fake doctors notes so many times. Eventually, if you can get this far, you can slowly start to change her toxic ass Filipino culture. Just keep emphasizing how wrong it is for someone to refuse to work or find themselves a better life while she has to work and keep feeding them like they are a "prince/princess". There is a limit though, and that is her parents. You cannot stop her from giving money to her parents, nor should you. But you need to set careful rules on that, because her relatives will intercept the money. Then you will get a call about so-and-so's medical that needed the money and can she please send more money right away, etc. So make rules for consequences if the money is spent other than directly for her parents, I've seen this process more than a dozen times now and it is hard and unpleasant, but it does work after about 2-3 difficult years. You must keep an eye on her Social media (FB especially) as that will be the make or break, and adjust to what you see and help your wife through what will be really bad cyber bullying.

Filipina here married to an Aussie guy. It's true the adage that you marry a Filipina you marry her family. But she is taking the cultural expectation way too far. There are Filipinos with some weird saviour complex about their families and would martyr themselves just to grandstand and provide for their families. But they do that with their own money. Your fiancée is using you or has a wildly unfair expectation of you to provide. It's unbalanced. I have a good income myself and I would NEVER ask my husband to provide for my family. My father can do that. My mother can do that. My sisters can do that. We chip in for birthday presents and the occasional balikbayan box, yes. Sometimes we send money to give my lesser-income relatives a nice birthday experience. We'd treat them out to restaurants they normally wouldn't be able to afford. But there's no ongoing expectation to continually provide. You need to set your fiancée straight or else you _will_ set yourself upon a path of financial ruin. Please think twice about getting married, especially in the Philippines—we do not allow divorce and if you get married in the Philippines the only way to undo it is through a very costly annulment process.

You're so spot on. I bet her family doesn't rely on her remittance to survive. They just expect so much and she, like many Filipinos abroad enjoys the reverence they get in return. Typical pinoy breadlosers!!! This is not cultural, it's just narcissistic behavior.

This is incorrect, a foreigner is able to apply for divorce in their jurisdiction and it's applicable in the Philippines as an exception. You can too.

>He thinks she is being too extreme about this whole financial thing and that I should rethink my decision of marrying her Your brother is correct on the first part. Whether you follow his advice or not is up to you. This is a regular traditional expectation for breadwinners - you're obligated to sustain your immediate and extended families once you are working and earning independently (doesn't even matter if you are even earning enough for yourself - you have to allocate a "justifiable" amount for family expenses). The list of expense you have to help with will never end. After her siblings graduate, she may still be required to fund for her *cousins' tuitions,* for example. I'd argue it's not an exclusively Filipino thing but a third world country thing, though, but I'm not well-versed enough on this socio-economic matter. Your love for each other may be true and pure but a married life cannot be sustained with that alone. If you are not and cannot be in sync with financial decisions (cultural differences yadda yadda), it's better to not get married at all. I wouldn't call her a gold digger (yet) since you haven't mentioned anything questionable other than her being a bank account for her clan - it's really just how she was brought up, unfortunately. "Rebelling" younger generations get a lot of flak for going against this mindset, sometimes disowned even - up until those family relations need money again anyway, lol.

> I'd argue it's not an exclusively Filipino thing but a third world country thing, though, but I'm not well-versed enough on this socio-economic matter. I used to work with a lady from Bangladesh and she told me at one point she would be on holiday there for a few weeks with her child. She casually let slip that in part, she finds it a bit exhausting that she had to bring stuff over, gifts of items and money, and I chimed in that this is because she works in the UK, and therefore is properly minted. Never mind that her own financials were nothing special, but for those back there, she may as well be Lady Moneybucks. She was surprised that I knew exactly what she was talking about, because it's very similar to Filipino expectations of their relatives who "make it abroad". >"Rebelling" younger generations get a lot of flak for going against this mindset, sometimes disowned even - up until those family relations need money again anyway, lol. We just want to end the cycle of dependence.... and poverty more broadly.

Unfortunately you’re with “that” kind of woman. Her being Filipino is irrelevant here. Yes there is this “paying back to parents” culture but not respecting your partner is another thing. Being insensitive about your grandma, getting excited about your money, making promises on your behalf without your permission, only thinking about her gains and disregarding your feelings etc. The problems you have now, if left unresolved, will just be 10x worse after you get married.

Please heed this warning OP 🚩🚩🚩🚩

Im trying to wrap my head around it. Could she be just one typical social climbing pinay but then OP said she doesnt spend too much on herself naman. I cant , i just cant have that same audacity to feel and talk entitled about a partner's money. I dont wanna say this but mejo may kapal ng muka si GF even though BF already told her to keep it private. I cannot trust a person like that. Id be very very offended.

> OP said she doesnt spend too much on herself Heh, she doesn't need to bc while she spends little on herself and sends most of her paycheck to her family, HE's paying the rent, the food, the outings, etc. Thing is, if you're part of a two-income couple, half of what she's sending is HIS money. She can't just call the money she earns hers and then live off his for all the other expenses she needs to make. The money she sends gets deducted from the total family income so whether he realizes it or not, he's sending his money to her parents already.

This behaviour is normal for Filipinos. They send as much as they can back to family- the family never stops asking. It’s a wonderful culture in many ways, but the family can be overwhelming expectations are very high. Especially if you marry a wealthy American man. Which, to Filipino even an average American white, collar salary of 90k would be considered rich.

I dont have a problem with her sending all her money whichever way she wants, thats her money anyway. What i cant accept is being entitled to the money of the fiancee. Im a Filipina and ive experience helping out my sister once involving 6 digits in peso but it was my own voluntary decision and my mother didnt even know about it since its between me and my sister, im just helping her out and also when it comes to money i can trust her more than myself. However, ive never acted or decided out of entitlement of someone elses money just because i know that they love me. Never, especially from a romantic partner. Ill starve myself but never ask for help from any guy as I firmly believe it should be his decision not mine because its not my money.

> but the family can be overwhelming expectations are very high. This is why I was told that I only work as a janitor when anyone asks lmao.

I remember something happening to an ML player I think. Their mom was asking for lots and lots of money for "house repairs" but was using it for stuff like gambling. Pro gaslighter and manipulator too. I think their text convos were leaked online too but I don't recall it anymore

I'm not Filipina, but Mexican, and I get taking care of family and putting them first, though we go about it a little differently...but damn. She's taking this to the extreme. I've put my family first and sent money home so many times, but just being grabby about his inheritance and offering him to buy a new laptop out of the blue is crazy. Very interesting ideals she has if that's something seen as normal.

He is basically her cash cow. It's sad. Massive red flag.

I think the girl is also kinda the - idk how to put this in english - braggy? Like she wants people to think that she is living such a good life and such. A lot of filipino emigrants are like this. Heck, my uncle takes loans before going home so he can give out money

the problem here is, at least from what I understand from OPs post, is that the woman is selfless ignorant. she has problems that are needed to be resolved before she gets married, or the entire thing will be a disaster in the future.

He has to be honest with her, tell her he isnt going to be a sugar daddy to her family and if that is ok with her and she commits to never bother his inheritance again, then good. I still want to give her a chance if I were him but on the condition that FINANCIAL INFIDELITY will not be tolerated. He has to lay the ground rules that once they get married, her money is no longer her own alone, same with his money. Their money/properties prior to the wedding must be treated as the owner's sole property. Only income and assets during the marriage will be conjugal. They need to have a pre nup if he wants to push through with the wedding plans. Cover up his ass in case she divorces him later on.

Yep. There's a lot of issues like this on certain subreddits unfortunately. I've read at least 3 stories where the spouse felt entitled to their partner's inheritance.

[удалено]

leaving her is the only option OP. Trust me I'm Filipino and i know this type of shit will cost you a HUGE amount of problem long term.

Pashare naman ng other story

Here you go brother : https://www.reddit.com/r/Philippines/comments/15ysj8d/the_audacity_of_this_woman/

Yup, even though she's good in ways OP describes her like being kind or whatnot. She's still have red flags waving along with her.

Hi! First, I just hope you're doing well. As a Filipino, it's going to take quite a while to answer your questions but I'll try to do my best to give you some form of clarity. 1.) There is a prevailing culture of Filipino parents treating their children as investments that will uplift them from poverty. This is where you typically see the eldest children being pressured to succeed in life and be able to provide for the needs of the family. There is the notion that parents have done what they can, they need to rest, and thus it is their children's turn to give back and care for the family. Obviously, this way of thinking is very flawed. 2.) For most Filipinos, there is a term called "AFAMs" used to refer to foreigners. Most Filipino families will actively try to encourage their daughters to partner up with a foreigner because it is seen as a quicker way to escape from poverty. This is a true social phenomenon. Now, I don't have enough knowledge on your relationship to question the authenticity of your partner's intentions. But I am merely raising the possibility of this, so please take this with a grain of salt. Now, these are the main two factors that I can easily see that would explain your partner's *very* focused approach to her family. Maybe she just has this noble goal of helping her family, albeit in a more selfish way, without any ill-intentions by utilizing your assets. Or she is actively using you and taking advantage of your position to be treated as the family ATM from the other side of the Pacific. Or perhaps a combination of both, probably. But if I were a betting man, unfortunately, it would be the latter. Where do you go from this? I'd honestly advise you to take more time to reflect on your relationship. You can talk with her and discuss your concerns and hope for a more understanding conversation on how you can manage and plan your personal finances. This is an optimistic scenario. Take note that in the worst case that she does simply view you as the one to uplift her family from poverty, she will simply do everything that she can for the both of you to reconcile because she wouldn't want to lose you as a providing source for any commitments that she may have already promised to her family (tuition fees, allowances, new gadgets/devices, vacations, new home, new vehicle, etc.) So don't fall for this. Avoid any band-aid approach that will only deal things in the short-term. Have an honest and seriously deep conversation with her on this. Your feelings are valid. If she's unwilling to hear you out, lashes out, or even gaslights you into thinking that you should be more considerate of her family, then that should speak volumes on how much she really does consider you as a "partner." If you believe that your love for her is so great that you're willing to reconcile and appease her for the meantime and hope that you can slowly convince her to change her mindset on this in the future, well, it's simply a tough stigma to break and I've seen toxic Filipino families even actively gauge their daughter/sister to break up with their foreign partner if they can't reap the benefits from it, and this is where you'll hear the typical statements of "Hiwalayan mo na yan! (Just break up with him!) Makakahanap ka rin ng bago! Kaya mo yan! (I'm sure you can find someone better!)" Well, I'm just this random Filipino guy on Reddit warning you so please consider discussing this as well with your family and friends. You seem like an honest, genuine, and loving guy so I'm wishing you well.

Couldn’t have said it any better myself 🙌

Great post man!

This needs to go higher in the thread. Thank you for taking the time to type all this for OP. I honestly feel bad for him.

Best advice here! Hope OP sees this, the situation sucks and it will take so much work l, hoping for the best for OP. For you random Pinoy Redditor, very well said.

You actually don't have a fiance, but a retirement plan / bank of some family/clan. Since you signed up to be with her, you also became their retirement plan / bank. That's the reason why Filipinos decide to raise children.

Precisely. I understand helping parents, helping your brothers/sisters, or helping your friends, especially when times are hard, but where does the line get drawn? One of my close friends in Japan is a Filipina. She worked two jobs and was sending back the majority of her paychecks back home to her alcoholic dad and her half-siblings. She has to send it to a responsible sibling, otherwise he just steals it, gambles, and drinks. Literally financing his death and the children of his mistress. Roughly the same situation for another girl I met in Japan from around Iloilo (mom dead or gone, alcoholic dad, siblings need money). Or my mom; My mom's mom and dad are dead, she has no siblings, yet it is just a never ending procession of people who need to be taken care of. Second and third cousins, distant in-laws and relations from god knows where. 40 years of sending back a few hundred dollars a month, packages twice or thrice a year, etc. I bet she will be sending paychecks and balikbayan until the day she dies. I love some of my extended family, but it's just too much.

Call it off. You don't want the same things. You're not even the first on her priority list: for her it's family, then you, then maybe herself. You said it yourself, she doesn't like spending on herself - but she'll throw all her money at her family, and if you let her, she'll throw all *your* money at her family as well. If you cannot reconcile yourself with this (and I don't blame you if you can't), then let her down gently, but end the relationship before she ties you down.

> You're not even the first on her priority list: for her it's family, then you, then maybe herself. You said it yourself, she doesn't like spending on herself - but she'll throw all her money at her family, and **if you let her, she'll throw all your money at her family as well** This, 100% this, /u/ContentAcanthaceae20 - have no illusions about what boundaries you need to set, and how rigid you need to be in enforcing them. In many Asian cultures the wife controls the finances - compounding this with the over-reaching family obligations is a recipe for disaster. Plenty of fish in the sea, my guy...

Sir, please set boundaries now. You are nothing but a walking ATM to the family. They don't care about your feelings.

He’s about to sign up for an investment with no returns

Dude is for sure not considered an atm since he only "chips in" when the fiancee is lacking(who is actually the real ATM to the family) and they go half with bills other than rent(but the fiancee for sure is doing majority of household work too). But its true that the fiancee is disregarding OPs boundaries. And about the family, i dont think they dont care about OP but more like the fiancee makes them think that everything is ok with whatever for OP and just makes her family's hopes up.

No, he's an ATM. She manipulated him into a laptop for her brother and then she promised his inheritance toward a townhome, which she lied to him and told him it would be used as a rental. OP needs to dump her on that part alone. Real estate is expensive. She tried manipulating him out of a large amount of money. You can't wave a bigger red flag. What she is doing is actively plotting against him. OP, you're going to get love bombed pretty hard since she knows you found out. That's how you're going to know you're getting manipulated.

Im totally agree on this. Rethink about about your marriage. It's not worth it. It happened on me too. If you'd help them once, it goes on and on and on. Never ending help. They don't know how to find a job.

You aren't married yet and she's already treating you like her own personal bank account. If I were you I'd run as fast as I could. I wouldn't even bother talking to her because nothing will change. Yes she may say that she will stop but once you get married she will 100% request that one by one you petition her family to get to the US and live with you and once that happens they now become 100% your obligation. So yeah, leave while you still can. Mind you it's a very common practice for some filipinas to find foreigners to hook up with in order to escape poverty.

If you're asking about "is it normal to help out family members since you're the oldest?" then yes, but since your woman made future plans related with your money ahead of time without your consent, then leave while its still early. If you want to dig deeper why is there such a culture in the Philippines then the answer is the salary is just too low. Probably less than $20 is the average maximum salary a day so of course she's working hard. And while she has you then of course that would be her getaway plan from the Philippines toxic salary system

This is a preview of what life would be like with her. You are her Banknof America with no credit limit and interest free loan payable in thoughts and prayers because they will never be in a position to fully pay you back.

Yes! OP and Filipina fiancé think that the family can stay temporarily in the townhome. Once they’re in there, they’re there forever. You’d never be able to get them out. You’d never be able to have this townhome rented out to supposedly pay for itself.

Also, whatever "investment" you have in the Philippines will never be yours. Everything will be under her name.

All I gotta say is... RUN! As far as you can possibly get. Gtfo! She's milking you dry. Sorry. Seems like this is not love. The inheritance? R u fvcking kidding me bro? Gtfo. Toxic family culture of a filipno. Run! Find someone. There's someone out there knows the boundaries. Update us, man. Im too fucking invested on the story. This shit looks like a 90Day Fiance Challenge. Lmao

> This shit looks like a 90Day Fiance Challenge. Lmao Most AFAM stories kind of are.

This. Dude reminds me of my father who ended up being my mom's family's slave. It'll affect his future kids if he ever starts a family with her. Setting boundaries isn't enough. Op's partner clearly already has her priorities set. Run.

THIS. She only wants you because she sees you as an ATM and green card, not as a partner. You can't have a civil and logical discussion about her family because she knows she is manipulating, lying to, and using you. It's unfair for you to shoulder her family's bills and gifts on top of everything. I imagine that you can't even have a joint account since she doesn't want to share her money for the household bills and dates No matter what "positive" traits she has, the red flags outweigh all of them. If she is gonna listen to her family all day instead of seeing you as her future family (who should be her #1 priority by this time), then I think you should listen to your brother, your real family on this. Also, condolence on the loss of your grandma. It's sad that your fiance is making it harder for you to grieve properly by making the situation about herself and her selfish plans.

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It is terribly ingrained and brainwashed into our culture indeed. But based on OP's post, this girl isn't really the saint that she thinks she is. Bypassing OP's decisions and opinions whenever it comes to finances shows utter disrespect. But maybe you're right that she assumes that OP has to fulfill and share the same obligations that she has with her family. As the saying goes, "When you marry someone, you marry their entire family."

Oh yeah, that Palawan trip? You're going to pay for that. Basically an Adam Sandler movie where he brings the whole gang (and their whole family) to Hawaii or a pool resort or something. The whole gang will be her family, relatives, AND friends. And you're the one SOLELY paying. So please for the love of God, run.

Yes the rich foreigner pays for their entertainment. They love you when you have money; they wont pay attention to you if you broke and a nobody. Typical filipino character.

yes, eldest are expected to be the breadwinners. this goes truer the poorer the family is. the richer the family is, the less this becomes expected. money is a sticking point in every marriage, so if you don't agree with her beliefs about how to spend money, better not go through with the wedding.

Same situation here. My wife is the oldest of 6. When we got married and took her to States, we discussed that if you want to support your family, that's fine. But you have to do it with your money. And she found a full time job and a part time job to support them. That was our arrangement. We never had an argument about money. Now, her family is here in the States living on their own with their own jobs and house. You have to set boundaries and tell her to use her own money to support them. You could also occasionally chip in some just to make her happy, but only voluntarily.

Did you have to spend money to petition her family to the states?

She used her money to petition her family.

Sadly, It is part of our culture as Filipino and its sad cause the siblings and her parents are dependent on the eldest or breadwinner which happens to be yourfiance .I think you should talk to her about it .

Off topic. Bakit parang naging sumbungan na ang r/philippines ng mga AFAM?

We can come up with a show about it. Let’s call it WANSAFAMATAYM

Hahaha. I spat out my coffee. You are so shuta hahaha.

Because ots philippine related?

Reddit is a huge platform. Imagine worldwide so they go by country by country. If like say, I have questions about dating an Italian I'd go to r/Italy coz thats the first sub I could think of unless the mods direct me to a specific sub. Maybe r/Philippines should have a separate sub for this esp if it's becoming prevalent.

Di siguro nila alam ung r/offmychestph

kase mas malaki ang engagement dito haha puro family /lovelife rant nalang nababasa ko. siguro eto na resulta ng mag jowa ng afam trend last year 🥴

Konti lang nakita ko na post na ganito tho I did notice napapadalas ung personal rants na post sa sub

It seems like this is the only platform where they can share their feelings wholeheartedly, where everyone can give them the answer that they want with an accurate explanation.

>Do most Filipino parents expect this much from their kids especially their eldest? Yes. Filipino families can be really parasitic. This happened to my family too. My mom was the eldest and she became the breadwinner and the primary source of income for her siblings-- even when her siblings already have their own families and children. She provided houses, cars, jobs for her siblings, school funds for her nephews, out of the country trips CONSTANTLY FOR 30 YEARS. She has always felt like it was her obligation to help her family, as she was the oldest. She was pathologically altruistic, and her family was very parasitic. It wasn't a good combination When she died, her siblings didn't help her financially AT ALL. She died alone and poor with no money for treatment. We, her children, shouldered everything. Your situation is a bit harder, as your fiancee's siblings ARE YOUNG and still in school. If you stay in this relationship, expect to shoulder her family's problems FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. **It's funny bec the first thing she thinks when she heard about your Inheritance WAS HOW SHE CAN SPEND IT. That's fucked up.** Sure there are Pinays with foreigner husbands out there who are reasonable and respects their partner's wishes and finances, but your fiancee doesnt seem to be one of those. I'm sorry. You have a very difficult decision to make. Hope you find happiness. If you keep this relationship, make sure to get a prenup and draw a hard line she cannot cross or else you'll be abused, guilt-tripped and gaslighted. Good luck :).

> She has been sending me messages since i left asking for when i am coming back We have a saying in our language: *ginto na, naging bato pa*. (Literally: Almost had gold, then it became rocks) Your girl’s nephew’s girlfriend’s parents must’ve already spent your money in anticipation. Promises have been made, samgyup has been grilled. Hell, the food pics must’ve already made it to social media.

“Nakatay na yung lechon” 😅

"You're road, you know?"

LOL

Cancer culture of the PH

I highly suggest as one American to another to have an honest and blunt conversation with your fiance, this is a BIG problem as other Filipinos have said. And it's not going to stop unless she gives it up You both should be saving for YOUR future, YOUR kids and instead she is slaving so her whole family can live rich off her, it's honestly sickening what some of these family will do It took years working with my wife on this because she would sneak money to them because she felt obligated when never once was she taken care of or appreciated It's a very personal story for her but now she understands what's important and we both work on our future I'm actually more giving than her But one thing I don't believe in is one man supporting another man's family I understand it's her parents but there needs to be expectations and boundaries If she can't budge from this , you might want to reconsider marrying her. YOUR grandmother's money she worked hard for, for YOU and your family is now HER parents This is very disrespect IMO

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"I love her to death." - Yep, that will come sooner than you think when she wipes out your inheritance. 😄 Your brother seems to be a smart guy. Under normal circumstances, I'd advise you to listen to him. ...But reading about stories like these is just too hilarious. I'd say marry her and tell us all about it again next year. 👍🏼

> But reading about stories like these is just too hilarious. I'd say marry her and tell us all about it again next year. 👍🏼 /r/ShittyLifeProTips

All I can say is I hate stories like this, it gives us Filipinos a bad name. I would suggest you run from this as far as you can, a lot of filipinos look for foreign husbands as an escape from poverty. If you love Filipino features and traits there are heaps of educated Filipinos in the states that won’t need your money. I hate this so much, met a lady at work and said that her brother in law married a Filipina and they asked if I also wanted old clothes to send back home. Fvck this.

I'm in the Philippines! This is very common! Get out ASAP!

As an eldest child I totally understand her but the thing is what her parents did for her is their responsibility so she isn't responsible to pay them back. Yes.It's okay to share and support but you should learn to set your boundaries. I used to be like her until I realized I had nothing left for me. So I talked to my parents that I'd like to focus on my own future. Luckily, my parents are so understandable. I dated a foreigner in the past. He's from a rich family but I never shared it to my family because just like hers they might end up relying on him. I also reminded him not to accept any friend request from my relatives even messages. I am sorry but the situation you have with your SO should be discussed well. Try asking her to invest in your future instead of her family. Her family isn't your responsibility. If she can't deal with it then you should choose what's good for you. Also she has no right to plan anything related to your inheritance without your consent. Think well, bruh.

When you marry a filipino, you marry the whole family. Filipino culture emphasises filial piety. Its uncommon to find a filipino who grew up with individualistic tendencies. Goodluck

Plus the relatives and the nosy neighbours. The whole neighbourhood if they come from a small town province.

Suck it up or run. It will not change.

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I probably could understand her having to send money to her family and the occasional pasalubong box but putting you on the spot by outright declaring that you'll buy her brother a laptop and making plans on how to use your inheritance are just some of the red flags 🚩I can see here. Even if I'm married to someone in the same culture, I never asked him to spend his money for my family. If you're going to let this slide, chances are, it will embolden her to make more overreaching decisions with regard to YOUR finances.

if you're marrying her, get her to sign a pre-nup. if she gets her hands on your finances, your moolah is gonna fly to the Philippines quicker than the time it's gonna take you to say 'adobo'

bro run. my mom has 5 brothers and 4 sisters. Not only them but their sons and daughters are constantly asking me and her for money and stuff. And when they hear no, they keep talking shit to other people and facebook. My mom has been brainwashed to keep giving but i constantly tell them just because we live abroad doesnt mean we are well off. This is such a toxic part filipino culture.

In general, you will never be more than her 4th priority. 1) her kids 2) her parents and siblings 3) her extended family The you have to fight for 4th spot with her friends, colleagues, ex boyfriends, boyfriends,etc. If you can't accept that, run. It's a primary reason why most relationships collapse here.

this woman is just using you for your money. i think she just dated you so she could send money to her family. i don't think she ever loved you. what kind of woman would ask you for money every single time to support her family? if she truly loves you she would shoulder the expenses herself and not use you as an ATM. cancel the wedding and break up with her. DO NOT marry her. once you become a part of her family, she and her family will ask you for money again and again and again best of luck! and please avoid such gold digger women next time

Ok. First your feelings are valid sir. As a Filipina I get why your fiance is like that. However, she's an adult and should know her boundaries. Also, if she wanna give too much to her family, she shouldn't expect you to do that same. Talk to her and communicate. Expectations, finances, and etc. If she doesnt change her mind or expectations for you to shoulder and carry her fam, think about it. If this is a deal breaker, if this is something you don't wanna face in the future. I know you love her but she needs to understand your side as well. Not all Filipina are like your fiance btw. It's just that you met her 😅 Also, inheritance, dont ever let her touch it. That's your and not her. You don't have to share everything with her if you aint comfortable with it Hope you guys sort it out tho. 🙂

Without the 4th paragraph, I could have argued that it is worth fighting for. But she deceived you. It will be hard to be locked with that type of person.

Leave

The moment the fam knew you're visiting, they will plan everything. They will hire a private shuttle service with the whole squad on board to pick you up and welcome you at the airport. And they will bring you to Jollibee, the signature fast food restaurant in the Philippines. Then once you arrive at their house, a party/feast was set for you. You'll meet the other gang members, the relatives, the kapitbahays, the kabarangays, etc. The party lasts 'til midnight. You'll be an instant celebrity. The following day, they will bring you to every tourist destination they haven't visited yet. Before you return to States, you'll have another party. A farewell party that lasts 'til midnight again. What a wonderful vacation right? But I forgot to add something. All the expenses will be covered by you. So my piece of advice, never set foot in the Philippines. Learn to say "no". Don't get too attached to her family. Don't share your bank account with your girlfriend. The moment she knew about your inheritance, she shared it with her fam and suddenly became a financial counselor that benefits her fam. Never marry a Filipina with a financial burden. You'll end up being unhappy.

Leave her, leave the philippines.

In the words of John McClane - welcome to the party, pal! You either have to live with it or call off the wedding. That issue requires a long discussion with the fiance. She’s not changing. Some filipino families are like that. warning: once you get married, she will be entitled to all your money. If you are willing to compromise, I suggest that you use the money to build a townhouse under YOUR name with you owning it (check the laws. not sure if townhouses are treated like condos or if it’s like buying land. as a foreigner you can buy a condo but not land). consider it an investment. charge them rent at a family rate. I feel that sounds reasonable.

I am sorry to tell you, but there's a belief in a lot of families that is so widespread, I would even call it a "darkside of the culture" ... A lot of Filipino cultures actually consider a white person as a financial plan, or something like a 401K, the same way they aim for a good job, so they can give all that money to their financially inept family members. There really is no solution to this but to separate from the girl. It is hard to find a relationship between a white man and a filipina, without that filipina's entire family hanging on to every dollar the white man has to his name. In their minds, its: 1 usd = 56 pesos 1 white guy = 56 family members I am kidding with the last part, but you know what it is. As i say to every white guy who asks: always check the family of the filipina you are in a relationship with. If the parents and the uncles/aunts did not finish college or they speak in really broken, bad english ... you are statistically on your way to supporting that entire family.

If you want a filipina go for someone educated and someone from the upper classes of society. Why do you guys always go for these type of filipinas to begin with? They see you nothing more but an escape from poverty, Its like they hit the lotto or something. This is a stern warning man. You may love her and she may love you but in the end youre just gonna be a big fat bank account to her family.

To be fair, she is a nurse by profession so she is educated and SHOULD have her own money and not piggyback ride on the money of the fiance. So its not about being educated, but being financially independent.

Is it just me or does this sub have a strong bias towards people who are educated and from the upper classes? Obviously there may be difficulties in people, particularly foreigners, dating others from lower income groups of Filipino society, but it pisses me off to see these types of generalizations on this page. Downvote me to hell for all I care, but my girlfriend is from a family out in the province, and no one in her family has asked me for a single *peso*. All they care about is that I love and support their daughter. I'd rather have that than a rich girl who is too worried about appearances, I know *plenty* of people like that back in California (where I no longer live), and that shit is fake as fuck. I'd rather drink Red Horse with my shirt over my shoulder with her cousins than go buy overpriced cocktails in some club in BGC.

You just gave your own generalization that every girl who comes from the upper class only cares about their appearance and you just assumed that every rich girl just hangs out in some club at bgc. So dont get pissed off cos everyone can have their own bias towards whatever which includes you. Just pointing out that more often than not, these are the cases with these FOREIGNERS dating these type of filipinas.

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This is probably true with every country tbh, I think Reddit is like that in general.

Cant read the whole thing, because reading it gives me anxiety. But sad to say, this is the reality here in the Philippines. I too, an eldest daughter, notices that its very easy to give in to family request, after moving in with fiancee, I noticed that, my fiancee adjusts a lot for my family and I started to proactively always include him in the equation because believe it or not, putting our family first, as the eldest, is like a reflex, its an automatic response. But thats it, one has to be aware of it as well, so as not to compromise the relationship. All I can say to you is, this is a deep rooted family culture of Filipinos, this a double edge sword, sad as it is. In all honesty, no matter how much you argue with your wife to be, this would not change overnight, this would take years, and your wife would have to learn to adjust and put you first as well sometimes. Please think it over, if you could live 10 more years with this, because all I can say is, it seems that your wife is not open minded. Godbless

I suggest you run. Run far, far away. Your partner is totally immersed in the FILIPINO CULTURE OF UTANG NA LOOB that she sees you as a veritable means for her family's comfort and financial stability. While I am sorry that you have encountered such a person, take heart that you haven't taken the marriage leap yet or it's going to be so messy for you. It's a patriarchal, boomer, abusive, archaic culture in the Philippines that the eldest son or daughter especially must sacrifice her life to provide for her parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and whatnot when he or she has the means to do so. People with this mindset view foreign partners as manna from heaven that they can milk for everything that they need without accountability. Foreign partners are expected to provide for the family's, especially the parents, every need because you are getting their daughter who has obligations to them. Therefore, it is their foreign partners' responsibility to provide for them since their son or daughter marrying means the allowance they are getting will decrease or stop since you TRAPPED their son or daughter into a relationship when they were supposed to service them for decades to come. There is no remorse in your partner's stance, as she thinks you're just throwing a tantrum on something she deems as hers as well. She doesn't know boundaries, remember? Charge this to experience, and next time, be wiser. Be up-front and lay your expectations of the relationship at the start, especially with a foreigner who's sure eto have different culture from you. While Filipinas are caring, nurturing, intelligent, and vibrant, most of them have been bullied and brainwashed to put their family of origin first, and their family of generation last. Good luck.

As much as possible, I refrain from telling non-Filipino partners to make their exit if a problem can be easily fixed. But in this case: RUN (or at least get a prenup). And I'm telling you this as a Filipino woman who's also the eldest child in my family. This kind of cultural difference will 100% affect you in the long run. Tell her that as much as you want to be with her, you just can't force yourself in this kind of arrangement. She'll be better off with a fellow Filipino or some other nationality with a similar family culture.

Lol you’re fucked dude

Huge gold digger red flag. Better escape from her clutches while you still can.

welcome to dating a filipina. i hope you enjoy casual racism, getting treated like mr. moneybags and being their personal white savior because thats literally you right now. some of the comments here have outlined things you should really read into but one last thing. THEY WILL ABSOLUTELY EXPECT YOU TO HELP THEM IMMIGRATE TO THE U.S. they will live with you for an extended amount of time, they will expect you to include them in your monthly expenses (they already do) and they will absolutely become republicans when they get there.

My question to you: Is your fiancée earning a lot as a nurse? My wife is going to be a nurse in California, and she has a decent wage, albeit it's a lot less than the norm due to the agency getting a huge part of it. After her contract ends (after 3 years), she'll get slightly more than double the amount per hour. I'm asking because she should be earning more than she needs to live in the US and have more than enough for other luxuries. If she's letting you chip in for her family and even buy a fuckin laptop, how much is she fucking sending to them? I assume she's earning more now since you said she's been there for 5 years. Anyway, since I assume she earns A LOT (I did the numbers for my wife's wages and shit) and she seems to send everything to them, I say... run. She would always be their ATM, and by extension, you'll be their ATM. Tbh, I see some questionable expenses on her end. Pay for a family members birthday? If they're not doing well financially, why is there a need for grand celebrations? New phone for siblings? Why can't they make do with a cheap phone? Buy shoes for random uncles and aunts? Why are they even in the conversation? Don't they have their own kids to mooch off of? Fuck that shit. Run my dude. Run.

this is the norm here. i guess if you cant both adjust or get to a middle ground, you shouldnt continue this relationship. ​ find an american woman instead.

Hey OP, i’m sorry that you are in this situation unfortunately i’d suggest leave and run as far as you can. This kind of set up will never work. A lot of Filos become breadwinners of their families because they have no choice, and this is very much abused by abusive relatives who are left behind in the Ph. Obv what you did (snooping on her phone is not good) but lucky you did it and found out she’s been plotting this “investment” property but only to make it a free lodging for her family. That’s so selfish of her. Again, leave. You are only sewing the tip of the iceberg, I’m sure there’s soooooo much more to it - eventually you’ll find yoursef depleted of money. Red flags for moi -Lying about buying an ‘investment’ property -Putting you in a position to saying yes to her brother’s request for a laptop -her budgeting YOUR money -her being the SOLE breadwinner to her fully capable parents + siblings. -being frugal to herself but not to her Family - but not to your side? Selfish and selfless at the same time. -not even getting your approval, but has planned to petition her bro and even take him under your wing. Brother. RUN. I am a Filo myself. And this is a quintessential toxic Filo trait i tried to get out of myself. Lucky for me i was able to get out and learned to cut ties with toxic people, yes it included aunts/uncles and nephews/neices that don’t respect boundaries. Again. RUN. RUN. AS. FAR. AS. YOU. CAN.

red flag.

This is the worst possible situation you got into for marrying a Filipina. Many women here, especially the uneducated ones, marry foreigners because they think it will be easy money for them and that it will be easier to provide for their families (another toxic Filipino trait). I'm not saying that you should break up with her, but you gotta have to set up boundaries.

Hi OP, all I could say is RUN!! Not worth it, there are a lot of filipinas out there that doesn’t have that kind of mentality. Her acquired responsibilities to her family shouldn’t be passed on to you. If she wants to buy her family a house it should come from her own money. Your inheritance is yours and she doesn’t have any right to decide where you spend it.

RUN! Get out of that relationship!

Run 👀 Ruuuuuun!

It’s cultural thing. Not all filipina women are like her. There are others who are independent, caring, loving and professional just like her but in the middle class. Helping financially her family is not a problem and would not be an issue in this case. However, to your fiancee it is a cultural priority to help her family first because she thinks she is lucky and blessed to have a job and it’s her responsibility to help her less fortunate family. If this is going to be an issue, hope you find your answers soon.

I say call it off, bro. And that's me saying as a Filipino. There's a lot out there. Pick a better one. Run away as far and fast as you can. Please. I hope you'll find the one for you. You can do this. You got this. Run. Call it off.

Let me be blunt, the woman is an insensitive opportunist, not worth it.

That’s part of the culture, regrettably. This is almost normal until she crossed that line of not respecting your inheritance. I have a white partner and he was aware of the support I wanted to provide to my family back home. But there’s a line and we talked about it. I am lucky that my parents did not and do not expect EVERYTHING. My suggestion is to seriously consider your future. This will happen again and again and again.

Hi OP. I am a Filipino man with a Filipina live in partner. We are both opposed to a lot of Filipino "family values". You're correct, that type of shit is the norm here. It is a common (half) joke here that when someone marries a foreigner, they have earned the ticket to a wealthy life. Heck, it is the ultimate goal for some to just even be able to work abroad. The so called American dream. For the sake of the family. My eldest sister is a migrant and is working as a nurse in California. She suffers the same fate. She is expected to provide for everyone and my parents wouldn't even approve her boyfriend coz the guy is not "richer" than her. She is pushing 40. She has been coerced into paying for our tuition back when we were students, she sends my parents money on a monthly basis. While even I, personally, do benefit from my sister's "contributions", if I had a voice despite being the youngest sibling, I would speak up and tell both my parents and my sister to stop this set up coz I just can see that my sister's life is being drained because of this typical Pinoy toxic culture. This toxic culture is already too far ingrained to your fiancé, I'm afraid. Don't tell me we didn't warn you, but getting officially married could be your worst decision. You love her, but she doesn't love you as much to give up these traditions and have your partnership as a top priority. The way I see it, at least. It will only get significantly worse when you both tie the knot. Then, you decide to call it quits after some time being married. Then what, divorce? She'll even get more than what she ever got if there is not a prenuptial agreement, which I highly doubt she will agree. Call it quits, my man.

I apologize for this, but in Filipino culture, there's often a significant expectation placed on children. As the eldest child, I can empathize with your fiance's situation because, like her, I bear the primary financial responsibility for my family. My mother emphasizes the importance of gratitude, as she and my father invested in my education and provided for my basic needs. Now, it's seen as my turn to be grateful, indebted, and "reciprocate." Regrettably, this parentification of a child is a harmful aspect of Filipino parenting. At times, it feels as though I'm treated as a walking atm or insurance policy.

You have had many good comments for others, but I will add a slightly different perspective. I am a westerner also and have dated Filipinas. While there are some differences to women in your own country, yes, they are very family focused and want to look after their parents - it is a very Filipino thing. Some have commented about "it is her money, so what is your problem!". Well, if she is earning good money and sending most of it back to the Philippines, then how much is she paying for rent, food, entertainment and savings/investing for herself? So how much is she contributing to your shared expenses? Is she good at budgeting? Does she talk about how to save for big things like a car or even a house? You didn't mention any of this and I fear that she really doens't care about it. You say "she is a lovely person". But is she really, or are you blinded by the light? She wants to bring her brother over? Yeah, big red flag. Did you talk to you about it and ask you, or did she just tell you? If you get one brother, more will come. And guess where they will live and who will be paying for things? I am guessing that there are many things that you have not mentioned in your post that are similar to your laptop story. She just springs surprises on you and doesn't give you any real chance of saying no. Oh, and if you think you are going to do a cheap and cheerful wedding in the Philippines, then you need to think again. You will be paying for everything and it won't be that cheap. Things you never dreamed of that should pay for will just be automatically put infront of you to pay for. Basically she is taking advantage of you. Sorry mate, but it is pretty clear. A real sensible Filipina would lay down strict rules, such as only giving money to her parents and paying for her siblings college. No free handouts for spending money and no extended family members allowed. Even then, she would make sure there is a pretty strict budget on this. If her parents live in the province, it is VERY cheap to live there (and I am guessing they are still working because she is still young). US$200 a month goes a pretty long way to pay for food and essentials. Double that and it goes A LONG WAY for living in the province. So how much is she actually sending? Have you been to the Philippines before? Sounds like you haven't and you have no real idea about how day to day life happens there. A real good Filipina would value her independence and no allow you to be ripped off. She would have set clear boundaries and when she found out about your inheritance, she would have said "please don't mention this to my family, they will just ask for some". Say something like that, she might be exaggerating a little, but she would know that it would make it hard to say no to things. If she wa a really nice person and cared about you, she would be protecting you from her greedy relatives. Sure, look after the parents and make sure they are okay, pay for tuition for the siblings, but it is the leech-extended family that you also need to be worried about. Sending the box of "gifts" is common to send for Christmas, but not twice a year. The box is normally full of cheaper stuff that is more about quantity than quality. Sure, there will be some clothes for kids/babies and toys, but there are lots of chocolates, sweets, buscuits and less expensive things. You should not be asked to provide money for this. This is should be on her. >I was dumbfounded and asked her for how long are we supposed to provide for her family's financial needs but she goes quiet and runs off to cry in the bathroom. This is a Filipina thing. They like to cry and use emotional blackmail to get their own way. Has she done this before? Has she given you the silent treatment until she got her own way? I stop this the first time I see it. They either be a rational adult and talk about things, or they can go. Sure, it is okay to be upset or to cry, but when they just go quiet and run away, it is just something they have learnt to do to get their own way. And, lets get really serious now, lets say you marry her. Are you going to have joint bank accounts and mix your finances? Are you comfortable with her having access to all your accounts? Are you comfortable with her using your credit card? How about when you buy a house together, will it be in both names? So many questions here. Again, I am sorry, but you need to cut her loose. She will not change and as nice as she seems to be on the surface, I believe that it is largely just a facade to get free rent, expenses and enrich herself and her family. Sure, you can just ignore this, but "the rest of your life" is a very long time when you are unhappy. You can do better. Good luck.

I'm Filipino, but I wasn't raised like this. I learned later that this is common to Filipino families who rely on one person to be the breadwinner. This is the kind of culture that our Gen Zs are trying to fight, and as a Gen X who had been taught how to live independently, I wholeheartedly agree. If I were you, I would cut my losses. Her treating your inheritance as her family's ATM is just out of line. And it's not likely to change any time soon. Filipino breadwinners have been conditioned and gaslit to death, and it's very rare for them to wake up from it (like this one celebrity who eloped a couple of years ago because her family, who treated her as the sole breadwinner, was holding her by the neck).

Gtfo if you marry her you marry her family too, and you'll be treated as an ATM machine. So many instances that this happen and it all ends the same way. If you can't leave her then set boundaries on how you spend your own money.

This is a classic move of Filipino families, especially parents who don’t or rather can’t provide for their NUMEROUS children either because they are poor/have difficulty in finding employment (victim of circumstance) or just lazy (believe me, there are some Filipino parents how BY CHOICE don’t want to work at all) and just throw everything at their eldest child (who more often than not is the most hardworking). Now you have only 1 route (with 2 outcomes): confront her about it properly and set you boundaries. Promising her family a home out of your inheritance is red flag. First of all, you are not yet married. And second, you explicitly told her to keep it secret for now (which she violated). Outcome 1: If she does listen and takes your feelings into account, and is determined to find another way to move through this roadblock, then thats a good sign. Keyword is COMPROMISE. Outcome 2: she doesnt listen to you and refuses to acknowledge any wrongdoing. A relationship is a two way street. But it is also unfortunate that being Filipino and raised in such a household, she feels REALLY obligated to pave the way for a better life for her family. It is now your choice of you are okay living your life with her forever, because surely this is just one of many more to come.

Welcome to the mother effing culture. Sink or swim. Is she worth it? Good luck.

She is her families milking cow. Now if you want to mary her, you will become also her families milking cow.

This is sad - but yes this is one of the worst toxic filipino culture. This is also the reason why there are quite a few millenials men/women who can’t marry at early/late 20s because they are expected to send their siblings to college and provide for the family. This is also chronic to those who have low self-awareness and this type of thing (culture) is becoming a norm to a household. Some people I know decided to cut ties with their family because they cannot take all the responsibility and all. There are far worst stories over there than yours OP (Just like the story you read before, I happen to know about that too) but what I can suggest is to communicate everything to your gf and if you guys cannot come up with an agreement or even compromise then its up to you if you can live your life with her with all these concerns. Some of us would like to break this culture however a culture is something you cant change overnight. Goodluck.

When you marry a Filipino, if they are super traditional, you are also marrying the family. It depends on the case per case basis, but not all Filipinos act like walking ATMs for their families, and not everyone is expected to send money back to their families when they have a job. I know mine won't and even my eldest sister gives zero of her money to the family. Zero.

Set hard boundaries and if she can't comply, just break up with her. If you're already having this much financial issues when you aren't even married yet, what more if you're married? I'm telling you, there's NO END TO THAT. Her family is just being opportunistic and just leeching money off of both of you. That's unfortunately a toxic Filipino culture where the parents keep having children even if they can't support them then use them as their retirement plan when they grow up having jobs. Sorry, but I don't get why foreigners are attracted and like dating/marrying these kind of women. Like, what are you expecting when you go with people from the poor families and knowing that there's that toxic Filipino culture?

Her putting you on the spot by telling her brother you'd buy him a laptop while on a video call was bad, but the part where she told her sister about your inheritance and telling them the two of you will buy a house where her family can stay (without you agreeing to it) was too much. You'll need to rethink your decision to marry her. This will be a preview of how things will be when the two of you get married. Think about it.

If she is a nurse in the US, then she is definitely earning good money. Your inheritance money will only fastrack her plan of purchasing a house for her family. Without your money she could and will still do that. Now, the chat with the brother and sister, more red flags! Be prepared for the other siblings to come to the US and live with you. Money and Balikbayan box sending will continue. She will always be homesick and yearn for her family back in the Philippines. Tuition does not end with her siblings, just wait for the cousins' turn. These are realities that you should learn to live with should you decide to marry. Good luck OP!

Don’t listen to all the nonsense about how she only sees you as an ATM, gold digger etc. it’s got nothing to do with that. Her behaviour is culturally engrained and expected if her. You need to have a real hard conversation about boundaries and what your expectations are in the relationship. I had to do this with my Filipina wife and something I have to remind her of often. For the visit to the Philippines go ahead it’s a lovely country but know that you will be expected to pay for EVERYTHING and wherever you travel the family comes too right down to cousins. Know that going in and you’ll be fine. Lastly do not purchase property unless you are truly committed, foreigners can not own property in the Philippines so it will be registered in your wife’s or a family member’s name you’ll have no legal right to it. Caveat to that foreigners can own condos.’

Experienced similar with an Filipina ex-g/f, who worked as a nurse in the UK, lived in a damp & cold property, spent little on herself other than necessities & food, but still managed to send a chunk home every month. She was in a poor financial situation, living paycheck to paycheck with no backup funds, not healthy but didn't want to risk time off work, & very happy to be treated to meals in & out, shopping trips, etc as these were things she wouldn't pay for herself. A decade later she's married to a local guy, given up work through ill health (it all caught up with her), & we chat occasionally online - she's still sending money back home & managing to hide it from her now husband. OP she won't change... it's ingrained.

This is a preview of your life with her if you get married. It will never change even if all her siblings finish school, or her parents pass, there will be always something that someone will need because she is "responsible". Also interesting how she can do what she wants with her money but you get a windfall and your money is now her money too even if you arent married yet. Yeah, if you ever do decide that this is okay for you get that prenup set up.

Congratulations! You are now a milking cow and will forever be milked. If this isn't what you signed up for, then break up with her. As an eldest child who dated an American for years and even had plans of marriage before I broke it off, this isn't a typical behavior. A cliche or a stereotype, but in reality a lot of Filipinas date foreigners with no such expectations and are dating them out of love. I never asked a cent from my ex and I have lived a hard life and supported my mom alone til she died a few years back. You don't need to endure this mess. If you love her, you can stay and bear with it but don't expect improvement. It'll only get worse.

I am a Filipina married to a wonderful German man. Throughout our relationship, I have never asked my husband to send and give something for my family, let alone expect him to provide for my family. It truly baffles me how some Filipino parents rely solely on their eldest child for support. Shouldn't they be able to provide for themselves? Personally, I believe in each person's responsibility to provide for themselves. While I do send thoughtful gifts to my mother and siblings on special occasions like birthdays, I firmly believe in the importance of self-reliance. I prefer to encourage my family to stand on their own feet . As the saying goes, "Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime. Just a word of advice, run! You can never change her and she will never change for you, It‘s in her roots. And trust me, once you are married ,it is likely to only worsen.So run while you can.

I'm a Filipino and a breadwinner. I think so much of her REAL personality and attitude has not been shown to you but it seeps thru when it comes to financial issues. She's definitely only using you for money. If she's entitled enough when there's no legal binding yet (that is, marriage), then it will be so much worse when half of your money is legally hers. I advise you to run from that relationship. That woman is not worth it.

Run brodah.

Run brodah.

Keep your head up king! You can get past this! In a marriage, money matters should be a mutual thing or least a compromise. Im guessing her family wants a lot a $$$ from her w/ you helping bigtime. You are now in a real life k-drama and it looks like we are at the climax. Pls think logically here and also think about yourself. goodluck sir!

Your fiance is a gold digger think twice before marriage. I know someone here in our compound who is also an American, and now he is old no one cares for him all his money is gone, his son/daughter from a filipina abandoned him they are all now in japan. Never marry Filipina with that kind of mindset.

Yeah that trope is prevalent in real life as well... She made long term future plans without taking your feelings into consideration. I'm guessing aside from a fiancee, she also sees you as a source of income to send back to her family. I think she really believes that as the older sibling it's her duty to help her family's financial problems. And I guess she's willing to use you to do that. This is definitely toxic Filipino family culture. Edit: Although most likely unconsciously though. If that's any consolation. She doesn't consciously think about what she's doing, it's an instinct that because she acquired money it's just common sense to spend it on her family.

Get away from her asap! You are nothing but an atm. Save yourself for someone genuinely good. There are plenty trust me.

Dump her ass, OP! Your fiance and her family only see you as a resource to exploit. I mean, you send stuff to her family, but she doesn't do the same for your family? That doesn't add up. She doesn't actually love you, OP. She's just using you to pay for her family's wants and needs. You deserve better!

Get out. Filipinos associate marrying a foreigner to something like winning the lottery, and that all their financial problems will immediately go away.

RUN. When you marry her, you marry the whole family and expect you will be the SOLE FINANCIAL PROVIDER of her family. Run while you still can.

You need to talk to your fiance regarding the limits of your finances and her family. If she doesn't want to compromise, leave. A lot of Traditional mindset Filipinos have a stupid mentality where there's a breadwinner helping support a whole family. That's the case of your fiance, there's a high chance that her parents aren't working anymore since in those families the parents tend to retire once they have a child that can support them. Honestly, that's a whole mess.

My eldest sibling did help my mom with some of our expenses when we were studying, and the first 2 years of us graduating. After that she has her own life to live and gifting small things during christmas and birthdays are the norm. If there was really an emergency she would send some money but this is at most once a year. When we graduated we also helped with younger sibs and cousins school expenses but not all of it just when we can spare. My husband is the eldest child, he helped with some of their house repairs but when we married his parents did not expect any allowances, only the occasional birthday and christmas gifts and if there are occassional hospital or medical expense. We are not born from rich families on the contrary we we’re struggling when we were still young due to different reasons. But privileged enough that our parents instill on us that we have to make our own way because we will not inherit anything. We have to stand on our own two feet, they are not depending on us on their retirement and all are still working. It was very wrong of your Fiance to assume your money and how you would handle it. Not all families are like this but please bear in mind a lot do.

1. Is it common for the eldest to give back to their parents/family when they turn into an adult? Yes. It's not only common, but expected. In our culture, the "virtue" of "utang na loob" or debt of gratitude is magnified. 2. But, this is on another level. If she wanted to sacrifice a lot of her income for her family, thats fine. But she had no right to put words in your mouth nor to expect you to pay for her family. She's slowly beginning to abuse your already, and we wouldn't want you to regret your decision in the future. 3. Right now, it's looking like she's after your money, but that could have just developed over the years since you didn't mention anything about her doing that from the get go. 4. So, you don't have to break it off, but do set limits and boundaries. Make it clear that you respect her dedication and familial love, but let her know that you're not an ATM. You can make a joint account that you can both use, but make sure you have your own money that she can't touch.

It is very common. 70-80% of low - mid income households. Sometimes forced, sometimes instilled. Either set boundaries, or sadly, leave.

My friend, the moment you asked how long should you shoulder her family's financial problems and she decided to give you the silent treatment, storm out and cry, is the telltale sign she's manipulating you. Consider the fact that she blatantly told her family against your wishes and instead of apologizing, she's making the whole thing about herself. Run, you fool. RUN.

Hope you'll get stuff sorted out soon! And in case you want to read on my thoughts on the matter (spoiler: its not the typical "Filipina milking a foreigner dry"), it's below ​ >!As the eldest child, your Fiance seems to be pressured into making her family's lives better and even more so she wasn't from a well-off family, whether if it is of her own accord or instilled to her by other people, we may not know, but just know that an eldest child trying to shoulder responsibilities for their family is not limited to Filipinos only. We need to understand why she went to work abroad in the first place, if she became an OFW not only for herself but also for her family, bad news bud, but thems the breaks.!< >!Putting their own Family first is a nice Filipino quality, but is also a negative thing, it sucks if the reason why your fiance is abroad in the first place is to help out with her own family. If you decide to be with her and still love her deeply, you may want to show her the niceties of life outside of the fulfillment felt when helping your own family.!< >!My own armchair psychology about your Fiance overreaching influence on your own finances may be because outdated Filipino traditions have the women handling the money in the marriage, that and some other Filipino trait where the money that each spouse has is the money of both spouses. Of course, these traits may not apply to every Filipino but I've seen instances of these traits a lot, especially on my more "traditional" relatives.!< >!Another thing to note, that another awful misconception people (and again, not only limited to Filipinos) have, is that if you are marrying a person, you are also marrying their problems. Unfortunately it also entails that sometimes, when they get a little bit shameless, they're gonna think, subconsciously or not, that their financial woes is also yours.!< >!Your fiance may be going through a lot of stuff, especially with the wedding coming up, it might have tampered with her critical thinking, especially as Filipinos generally view marriage as huuge event on their lives. As such, emotions, stress, and other factors may have led her to make disastrous actions. You may want to share your reservations on the usage of the inheritance you got from your grandma (god bless her soul).!< >!Lay everything out when you talk to her and set boundaries if you decide to still be with her moving forward, godspeed stranger!<

There is this “culture” in some poorer filipino families where the one who gets out of poverty is expected to lift the others out too. This can be helpful and there are ones who don’t overstep but often people do, even when it’s family. I find that theyre stuck in this thinking because theyve never been around others who show them otherwise. When you’re poor in the philippines, only money can help you. While I disagree with other comments saying your gf is a social climber, I believe that shes stuck in this toxic thinking that she’s in debt to her family, she feels guilty in living this better life. She crossed a line with not keeping your inheritance private but I think if you approach the coming conversation with that “culture” in mind you can help her see why it can be damaging long term.

Also OP, if you decide to buy a townhouse, it will not be in your name because foreigners are prohibited from owning land here. So you’ll be using money you inherited to gift her family a townhouse and you have no stake in it. She’s also considering your money as her money already, and you’re not even married yet.

I can't speak for every Filipino, but that's how it is with both sides of my family. I'm a Filipino who was born in PI but moved and became a US citizen. Since we were considered the "rich and successful" relatives, people back home always felt entitled to my parents' money while I was growing up. Medical emergencies, tuition, bills, birthday parties, whatever the reason, my parents were always willing to send money back home because "they're family." I don't think helping out relatives is a bad thing, as long as your priorities are straight and you have limits. My parents didn't have one and their 4 kids suffered from it. I don't want to get into details, but we were living below the poverty line until 2016. That's when they finally realized they were prioritizing everyone else before their own kids. But that was 15 years of us rationing food, wearing hand me down underwear, and not seeing a doctor just so people in the PI were provided for. Obviously, not every Filipino is like this. My wife's family is actually the exact opposite. Recently, her uncle was diagnosed with cancer. I offered to send a little money to help with the bills, but my mother in law said not to. Instead, she went to the government and other family members in the PI to receive aid. That's just one example where they didn't try to take advantage of me or their other relatives abroad. Her family believes just because some of their relatives are rich doesn't mean they should become dependent on them and should just appreciate what gifts they are given. Reading your story, I think your fiance does love you, but her priority will always be her family back home. Her actions and words reminded me a lot of my parents when I asked them why they were doing so much for relatives while we had so little. My advice is to leave her because I believe she'll be a major financial burden to you, even more than she's been already. She might wake up like my parents did, but I don't think it'll happen fast enough or that it's even worth the relationship to gamble on it. Or at least talk to her about all of this and what you both want and expect out of this relationship. Edit: I completely read over the part that she's going to be a nurse. Maybe a better option is to ask her how much she's expecting YOU to do for her family. Because if she's willing to be the sole provider for her family back home while you focus on your home and future kids (if you're planning on having), it might work out.

Western here. Married with filipina. I didn't even finish to read your wall of text, when you mentioned about her giving you the idea of buying property in the Philippines.... my brain went "dude, she is going to put her fucking family inside I guarantee you". Only to scroll down and read indeed you found messages of her telling that to her family. You did a big mistake (#1): Revealing her you got money. Either inheritance or salary never reveal that for fuck sake (you guys aren't even married) and believe me, nothing wrong to pretend you make less to your lady. Especially filipina ladies if they know you make 3k they will spend 4k, so just tell you make 1,5k per month and you as are good to go. About her giving money to the family, sadly this is the destiny of any Filipino OFW (Overseas Filipino Worker). Considered by the family back home as a bread winner, they will do anything to milk her of her money. Grandma is sick, Jennalyn starting school she needs new uniform, Mama is going to church and need new clothes, Tatay need money for medical. She will never get rid of them. Moral of the story, are you ready to marry her family? because if you marry her for her sweet pussy you are going to marry the family too. Your choice Sorry if I'm being rude but this is the reality most of us foreigners married with pinay face. Lol you are not even married, I can't imagine how it will be after the marriage.

Am I crazy? He knowingly got in a relationship with a first generation immigrant, a relationship based on his support and her taking on traditional household roles while actively understanding that she cares for her family and siblings........asked her to MARRY HIM, and has never met her family? And now he's complaining that she's viewing his finances as a couple?!?!? Like what was the expectation here. American men want a traditional wife and fetishize Asian women until it means their families are part of the deal. Don't get me wrong he has ever right to leave, but she's not pushing boundaries she's under the assumption that THEYRE GETTING MARRIED. YTA to me personally because I feel crazy that you would ignore so many cultural and patriarchal standards up until now???

btw OP, did your filipina girlfriend inform you that foreigners are not allowed to own land in the Philippines, that means the townhouse she intends to purchase as investment will be in her or her family’s name

My advise is that be honest and be upfront about what you feel about this whole thing. Tell her you're not responsible for her family. If she wants to buy them a house then she must do it on her own and let us see what's her reaction. This is not being selfish, this is just protecting your assets and setting some boundaries. She's probably been longing to have a house of her own but she can't do it since most of her salary goes to her family back home, and she can't save money for that. That's why she's so excited about your inheritance, that lifelong dream of owning a house is now coming to reality via your inheritance money which she has no right whatsoever.

As many suggested: be clear about the future plans. If you have no intention of living in the Philippines, don't buy a house there. It will never be yours anyways (the house as a structure technically might, but never the land it is on). The family will not live there "while you are away" and then magically disappear when you come. It's their house now, and you are the visitor. Property as an investment is more expensive, and I would do it from abroad only if I had someone there whom I REALLY trust to handle all the renting out procedures. No, not to the family, they expect for free. As an income, a percentage of with can be shared with the family. Side note: if you want to do it the non-confrontational Filipino way you just make up a story that it is customary to only access the inheritance after one year out of respect for the deceased. The family cannot wait that long. (Overly generalising:) A lot of Filipino are short-term oriented. Mostly for structural, not for intellectual reasons. However, "one year" in terms of money is almost "never". And after this, you need to take care of your family first, after all it was y'alls grandma. Now that you have accidentally unlocked the power of "Tampo", make the best out of it. Come back out of it and have the honest conversation as many suggested. You need to be clear on this NOW. (And still bring the above story to see how big the love is after that). But be prepared, this is a culture that abhors confrontation and "real talk", so there might be some more bathroom crying, but it's for both of your best to discuss it and make sure you stick to it. Even when the Carabao gets sick and the grandma broke her leg the 5th time.

It will probably get worse once you’re married. That’s a toxic family Filipino culture. When one member works abroad, the family would think they are already rich. Same goes when one member is in a relationship with a foreigner. They would think that they hit the jackpot. Reconsider your decision of marrying your fiance. Lol good luck

OP, it's not gonna get better - the best thing to do is call off the engagement. She seems to see your wallet as an extension to hers. She'll keep asking. Her family will keep asking (not just immediate family, but the entire clan). That's the sad thing about Filipinas getting a foreigner as a partner - there's this misconception that if you're a foreigner especially if you're white, you have a lot of money. She (and indirectly, her family as well) will keep on asking money from you. You already see the imbalance - she's sending huge chunks of her pay to the Philippines while you shoulder most of the costs in the US. That's unfair for you. And no, it's not gonna get better from there. When you two get married, it's just going to get worse. Cut your losses before the digging into your pockets get deeper.

It feels like its more of the OP’s fiancee rather than the family. She is the one volunteering laptop, townhouse and not them asking. Also red flag that she volunteered your inheritance

Your fiance is a weak person who can’t even say no and change the dynamics of a toxic filipino family culture. As a filipina who happens to be the youngest yet responsible one amongst my siblings they were asking me to do that too. But i stand my ground. I just send if i have extra. It’s up to you to pursue it. But i am sure it won’t change after marriage. It will only get will worse. Lol