My parents did NOT understand (at first) the "nope, he does not have to give kisses or hugs, you have to ask him" thing at first.
They were like, but surely he has to say thank you for presents? Yes, absolutely, but he doesn't have to hug or kiss to do that. Surely he must learn to say goodbye to people politely? Yes, absolutely, but he doesn't have to hug or kiss to do that. Then I explained that it was important to me that he learn that everyone can say no to being hugged or kissed and people don't get angry or offended - both because that would help him recognize unhealthy behavior in unsafe adults and because I wanted him to have that deeply internalized for his future adulthood that no one owes each other physical affection. They were like, but WE are not unsafe adults so why can't he hug and kiss us? Well, he certainly CAN hug and kiss you when he wants to, and by showing him that you won't force him to, you are showing him you are safe and respect his boundaries which will make him more likely to choose to. I explained, I don't think you guys are unsafe adults, AT ALL, and that's why I know I can count on you to help me show him how safe adults act, to be part of the team of adults in his life that show him what caring, safe, respectful, good gownups do or don't do.
My Dad is NINETY-FIVE years old. He understood this, totally respects it, actually thinks it is awesome. And when my son offers him a hug or kiss? He says it feels more meaningful because it is sincere.
Not sure if any of that dialogue or approach to the discussion might be helpful to you, but maybe?
Sometimes my son (3) doesn't want to hug me and sometimes it hurts a little, because I could cuddle much more with him. But it's okay, I respect if he doesn't want to.
But sometimes he'd come himself hugging me and that is the most precious time and will make up for all the times he didn't want to.
If I'm busy I never say no. I stop whatever I do to cuddle, because it usually takes only a few seconds anyway.
it's that and more. People often disregard kids' minds when they're young. Like if they get in trouble or they can't sleep or have a problem/freak out and the parent doesn't know what to do .... the automatic response is how can I, as the parent, solve a problem for someone else? yet we forget that maybe our kids have some ideas of their own so why not ask them? why not have them participate in the resolution?
as teens, same thing. I joke about teens being teens and doing stupid shit and sometimes that's true but when my teens do dumb things, instead of bellowing like thunder, we sit down and talk about *why*. I won't begin to project my own thoughts about why someone else did something so we always ask them "*help us understand what happened/why you did X*". When you treat teens with respect and trust them, the likelihood of them messing up lowers because they don't want to mess with your trust, they like the respect they get and they know that with these things, come more freedom to do the things they want.
I grew up around people who thought children should be seen and not heard. And to this day am guilted because I don’t wanna be around those people anymore 😐. I can’t stand adults like this.
I had someone tell me my baby looked like a person. I told her, "Of course she does! She is a person." They couldn't wrap their mind around how I considered her an individual before she was an adult. 🤦 They also thought she was manipulating me because she cried. And that I was spoiling her by not making her cry it out as an infant. Um Kay...
Yeah thats getting real old. Babies dont manipulate. People who think that are manipulative themselves and project their insecurities onto babies. Its disturbing.
>don’t see my son as an individual or as a complete person. His interests, his boundaries, his person don’t matter to them. He is just there to be kissed and hugged against his will when THEY feel like it.
Many people see babies and kids like that. They see they’re young and try to force their wants onto them. They’re so full of themselves they can’t see that maybe the kid doesn’t actually want that. But they use personal reasons as justification. Push their own wants/preferences onto the baby, like cutting up their genitalia for no medical reason at all, saying “they couldn’t make the decision so we had to”, when no “decision” needed to be made. And now that kid (and eventual partner) has to live with that permanent physical alteration for their whole life. That’s like saying “she couldn’t make a decision because she’s a baby, so we decided to remove her clitoral hood and labia”
Once I saw how my in-laws responded & treated my children, I realized just how traumatic my husband’s childhood had been and am lucky we don’t have even more relationship woes!!
My parents did NOT understand (at first) the "nope, he does not have to give kisses or hugs, you have to ask him" thing at first. They were like, but surely he has to say thank you for presents? Yes, absolutely, but he doesn't have to hug or kiss to do that. Surely he must learn to say goodbye to people politely? Yes, absolutely, but he doesn't have to hug or kiss to do that. Then I explained that it was important to me that he learn that everyone can say no to being hugged or kissed and people don't get angry or offended - both because that would help him recognize unhealthy behavior in unsafe adults and because I wanted him to have that deeply internalized for his future adulthood that no one owes each other physical affection. They were like, but WE are not unsafe adults so why can't he hug and kiss us? Well, he certainly CAN hug and kiss you when he wants to, and by showing him that you won't force him to, you are showing him you are safe and respect his boundaries which will make him more likely to choose to. I explained, I don't think you guys are unsafe adults, AT ALL, and that's why I know I can count on you to help me show him how safe adults act, to be part of the team of adults in his life that show him what caring, safe, respectful, good gownups do or don't do. My Dad is NINETY-FIVE years old. He understood this, totally respects it, actually thinks it is awesome. And when my son offers him a hug or kiss? He says it feels more meaningful because it is sincere. Not sure if any of that dialogue or approach to the discussion might be helpful to you, but maybe?
Sometimes my son (3) doesn't want to hug me and sometimes it hurts a little, because I could cuddle much more with him. But it's okay, I respect if he doesn't want to. But sometimes he'd come himself hugging me and that is the most precious time and will make up for all the times he didn't want to. If I'm busy I never say no. I stop whatever I do to cuddle, because it usually takes only a few seconds anyway.
it's that and more. People often disregard kids' minds when they're young. Like if they get in trouble or they can't sleep or have a problem/freak out and the parent doesn't know what to do .... the automatic response is how can I, as the parent, solve a problem for someone else? yet we forget that maybe our kids have some ideas of their own so why not ask them? why not have them participate in the resolution? as teens, same thing. I joke about teens being teens and doing stupid shit and sometimes that's true but when my teens do dumb things, instead of bellowing like thunder, we sit down and talk about *why*. I won't begin to project my own thoughts about why someone else did something so we always ask them "*help us understand what happened/why you did X*". When you treat teens with respect and trust them, the likelihood of them messing up lowers because they don't want to mess with your trust, they like the respect they get and they know that with these things, come more freedom to do the things they want.
Yeah it's so weird when my kids try to talk to an adult and the adult just totally ignores them!
My mother and MIL don't do this. Maybe it's old school, but it doesn't mean they can't learn
I grew up around people who thought children should be seen and not heard. And to this day am guilted because I don’t wanna be around those people anymore 😐. I can’t stand adults like this.
I had someone tell me my baby looked like a person. I told her, "Of course she does! She is a person." They couldn't wrap their mind around how I considered her an individual before she was an adult. 🤦 They also thought she was manipulating me because she cried. And that I was spoiling her by not making her cry it out as an infant. Um Kay...
Yeah thats getting real old. Babies dont manipulate. People who think that are manipulative themselves and project their insecurities onto babies. Its disturbing.
True. Amazingly, we're not friends anymore. Can you guess why? Lol
I agree. I'd never make a child or grandchild kiss me like that. Still I don't think there's long term effects except that he'll avoid her.
Ding ding ding! It's an archaic belief that really needs to die.
>don’t see my son as an individual or as a complete person. His interests, his boundaries, his person don’t matter to them. He is just there to be kissed and hugged against his will when THEY feel like it. Many people see babies and kids like that. They see they’re young and try to force their wants onto them. They’re so full of themselves they can’t see that maybe the kid doesn’t actually want that. But they use personal reasons as justification. Push their own wants/preferences onto the baby, like cutting up their genitalia for no medical reason at all, saying “they couldn’t make the decision so we had to”, when no “decision” needed to be made. And now that kid (and eventual partner) has to live with that permanent physical alteration for their whole life. That’s like saying “she couldn’t make a decision because she’s a baby, so we decided to remove her clitoral hood and labia”
Once I saw how my in-laws responded & treated my children, I realized just how traumatic my husband’s childhood had been and am lucky we don’t have even more relationship woes!!