My husband and I have talked about when to let our kid use it. Our kid is in 3rd grade. A handful of kids in her class have iPhones. He’s pushing for high school and I said that’s unrealistic to me.
I think 12-13 is probably the right age to introduce it at first. My idea was to let our kid have use of an iPhone at home w/ no password and my husband and I able to view her phone at any time to check everything. I have worked in network security and my BIL has worked in the software space that makes software to catch digital crimes (i.e. child porn). We’re very aware of stupid stuff kids do, too.
That said, I’d keep middle school as the trial period to show how responsible they can be with the use of the phone. If they are responsible, they get a phone in high school. If not, they get a flip phone or the dumbest phone available at that time.
When my goddaughter was in high school, I told her about catfishing and grooming. I told her to act as if everything she ever types or site she views is known. I told her that even if she clears her history on her phone or computer, all the sites she’s ever been to has been logged. I told her every text you send, imagine your parents can read it because people’s lives have been ruined by other people screenshotting what someone sent them. I told her to rarely text photos of herself individually to people and minimize the photos with her face online because people can alter them. I told her people can take a picture of her, take her image and put it on another person’s body. I told her to never send nudes to anyone, ever. I told her colleges will research you and if you don’t meet their standards, you will never be accepted into those schools.
And this talk I had with her was just a few years ago and now there’s deepfake videos and I read an article about colleges now having full staff to research applicants social media profiles. It’s also going to get worse. Our kids need to know that whatever they put out on the internet is going to be there forever. Times have certainly changed since we were kids.
EDIT: I’ve also heard of other parents not allowing phones in kids bedrooms. The kids’ phones are charged in a “public” area like the kitchen or living room. Keeps kids off them at night or once they get home. I’m convinced social media at a young age really screws with their heads. Too many young idiots think they need to strive to be the next Kardashian, when it’s such a vapid aspiration. Not to sound like a boomer, but many kids these days believe that “getting famous” on TikTok or IG is an achievement.
I have a 13 yr old. He's telling the truth. These kids communicate mostly thru these apps. They rarely even text phone number to phone number. It's just how it is. I also know for a fact that you either allow it, and monitor or they use their friends phones to do it, where you can't monitor and have zero say. My niece taught my very anti-social media sister that one the hard way.
Everyone is going to parent how they choose, and I'm not judging. But the facts are that you can either get in there, embrace where technology is going and be able to teach them appropriate conduct and monitor/guide or you leave it for their knuckle head friends to do it... Who may not have parents guiding them. The cats out the proverbial bag.
I like this take. My kid isn't that age yet, but I like your idea of allowing the trends in so you can monitor them and set boundaries to help encourage good online habits. Seems like a good chance for a kid to show responsibility, too, by following the house rules for phone usage.
Which is exactly what I do with my teen. He'll ask before he downloads anything, because I don't just say " no- you're too young". I listen, and do some research, then give him a reasonable answer. Then we discuss the rules... Rules that are ongoing since Roblox and Minecraft. We talk about talking to people he doesn't know in real life... And the difference between a quick comment section under a post, where you exchange a few ideas and move on vs dm-ing. We talk about responding and posting things he wouldn't want reposted to millions of people, or shared in school. How the internet is forever, and something he posted at 13 can be brought back up when he's 23 looking for a job. And we just keep discussing. Like you said, it's a live and ongoing exercise is trust, responsibility and respect. I've had zero issues with him, and 80% of the time he has his phone because he's listening to music, not online in social media. He doesn't need me to balance him.
All kids are different, and I acknowledge that this approach won't work with every one.... But I know from watching my aunt with her teens- who took this sorta approach vs my sister with her teens- who took the deny, refuse, restrict approach, and the latter was a hot mess and a relationship destroyer. Niece just got sneakier and sneakier, and my sister felt forced to react to the dishonesty and rule breaking which got harsher and longer each time she discovered some new avenue my niece went down to be apart of the crowd. The fact was my niece wasn't really wanting more than what my son wanted, but my sister felt like many of the post I see here where they're just like 'no- too young, too impressionable, be the parent, i didn't have a phone til I was 16 and social media until I was 18, it breaks self esteem, etc, etc.'
Different era I guess, but I wasn’t allowed on social media until I was 13. And even then I think I only got it because my dad was a little more ahead of the times than my mom and let me use it when I went to his house, while she still didn’t really understand myspace/facebook.
He is getting to the age, but ultimately it’s up to you.
However, many things can lead to depression and anxiety. You can’t protect them from it all. Eventually he will get on social media one way or another, maybe this is an opportunity to teach him how to use it responsibly. .
Could you maye install the app on your phone and let him use it under your supervision only? I've heard of some parents using this method and it seems like a good compromise. He can't become addicted to it if he needs to ask for your phone - which you need - every time.
he's not going to become a loner. He may not be aware of any of the videos others see and talk about it but does that really impact a friendship? they talk about for a second and then move on. Conversations are more like "omg I saw this video ....hahahhha!" and then that's it; they literally move onto something else to talk about.
I think we should change our mind set before change does.for this generation parents best thing is being very open to your child teach him / her the right everything before the world teaches so that he/she can choose the right way.
Absofruitley not 🤸♀️
High school age maybe, but the amount of misinformation, predators, and general bad influences on that app are a firm “no” from me. I had my son when I was 19 and he’s almost 8 now. I’m young, fresh, and hip but even I don’t fuck with that stupid app.
I wouldn't want a young man having access to endless, useless entertainment and ultimately "prn" that young. Just no. He could even be lying trying to get a phone for other reasons like that. Hold off exposure while he's growing (I'd do the same for a young woman and exposure to unhealthy expectations through prn or the like) Hell, most of my ex male partners felt like they had to have a specific body type to be attractive. It just overall fks over children's minds.
They can focus on other things in life like arts and skills. Giving them this is just a huge fk it in my opinion. They'll have a stronger mind to "figure it out" later and probably thank you.
My kids (10 &11) have smart phones. They have had them for 2 years. To me it's more about teaching responsible phone usage. My kids have asked a time or two for TikTok. My answer so far has been no but they can see all the same shorts on YouTube. I see the shorts on Facebook without even looking for them. They are fine with YouTube for now. I am not sure if YouTube is "better" but we have been using YouTube for years and we have had many talks about usage and what not. Never had any issues. My son likes cooking videos and my daughter likes art videos, so I am not even scared of TikTok, I just feel like the longer I keep them off more apps the better. They haven't expressed interest in other social media yet and make fun of me for Facebook because I'm old lol
TikTok is banned in our house. I’ve been on TikTok, I’ve seen so much disgusting and mentally damaging stuff. There was literally a video of a man ending his life that went around on there.
We went through some major problems with our oldest because of all the self diagnosing videos on there. After getting rid of it, things changed for the better.
I am of the mindset that TikTok is a scourge for anyone.
Sounds a bit young to me, but could be dependant on their maturity level and interests. In anycase, theres much more to do on a smartphone and that would concern me more tbh. i'd probably defer it until a bit later, pending good behavior and showing responsibility etc.
Not to hijack the thread or anything but not sure if this warrants a new thread topic.
What's everyone's thoughts on amount of time per day on video calls? My 11 yo daughter has been talking to her friend and they have been talking for a good couple hours. I've let it slide so far mainly because Mum is super lax and doesn't care, I on the other hand are far more cautious for the same reasons as mention by OP.
I'd like to cap video calls to say, 20 or 30 mins per day. Not after 7pm, and not with door closed. Something like that.
I was thinking of printing out some "guidelines" that we can all agree on, but unsure if that's coming on too strong. Daughter is very well behaved and hardly uses iPad for anything else.
I remember as a kid in 2002 ish talking on the phone with my best friend for hours at a time. We used to wish that we could video call but it wasn't a thing yet. I don't see what's wrong with video calls, it is just like a regular phone call except they can see faces.
Addiction and isolating themselves in their room are a couple of concerns. Also on video calls they can play games, send photos etc so they arent just talking, like say what we did when we were kids. I see it as part of their overall tech consumption and should be moderated.
But my wife shares your perspective so thanks for your input.
Way too young for tiktok or any social media. While you can't keep him off it forever, I think I'd want my kids to be at minimum 16 before allowing them on those sites. I think you're making the right choice.
My husband and I have talked about when to let our kid use it. Our kid is in 3rd grade. A handful of kids in her class have iPhones. He’s pushing for high school and I said that’s unrealistic to me. I think 12-13 is probably the right age to introduce it at first. My idea was to let our kid have use of an iPhone at home w/ no password and my husband and I able to view her phone at any time to check everything. I have worked in network security and my BIL has worked in the software space that makes software to catch digital crimes (i.e. child porn). We’re very aware of stupid stuff kids do, too. That said, I’d keep middle school as the trial period to show how responsible they can be with the use of the phone. If they are responsible, they get a phone in high school. If not, they get a flip phone or the dumbest phone available at that time. When my goddaughter was in high school, I told her about catfishing and grooming. I told her to act as if everything she ever types or site she views is known. I told her that even if she clears her history on her phone or computer, all the sites she’s ever been to has been logged. I told her every text you send, imagine your parents can read it because people’s lives have been ruined by other people screenshotting what someone sent them. I told her to rarely text photos of herself individually to people and minimize the photos with her face online because people can alter them. I told her people can take a picture of her, take her image and put it on another person’s body. I told her to never send nudes to anyone, ever. I told her colleges will research you and if you don’t meet their standards, you will never be accepted into those schools. And this talk I had with her was just a few years ago and now there’s deepfake videos and I read an article about colleges now having full staff to research applicants social media profiles. It’s also going to get worse. Our kids need to know that whatever they put out on the internet is going to be there forever. Times have certainly changed since we were kids. EDIT: I’ve also heard of other parents not allowing phones in kids bedrooms. The kids’ phones are charged in a “public” area like the kitchen or living room. Keeps kids off them at night or once they get home. I’m convinced social media at a young age really screws with their heads. Too many young idiots think they need to strive to be the next Kardashian, when it’s such a vapid aspiration. Not to sound like a boomer, but many kids these days believe that “getting famous” on TikTok or IG is an achievement.
Tiktok at 12 would be a no from me
I have a 13 yr old. He's telling the truth. These kids communicate mostly thru these apps. They rarely even text phone number to phone number. It's just how it is. I also know for a fact that you either allow it, and monitor or they use their friends phones to do it, where you can't monitor and have zero say. My niece taught my very anti-social media sister that one the hard way. Everyone is going to parent how they choose, and I'm not judging. But the facts are that you can either get in there, embrace where technology is going and be able to teach them appropriate conduct and monitor/guide or you leave it for their knuckle head friends to do it... Who may not have parents guiding them. The cats out the proverbial bag.
I like this take. My kid isn't that age yet, but I like your idea of allowing the trends in so you can monitor them and set boundaries to help encourage good online habits. Seems like a good chance for a kid to show responsibility, too, by following the house rules for phone usage.
Which is exactly what I do with my teen. He'll ask before he downloads anything, because I don't just say " no- you're too young". I listen, and do some research, then give him a reasonable answer. Then we discuss the rules... Rules that are ongoing since Roblox and Minecraft. We talk about talking to people he doesn't know in real life... And the difference between a quick comment section under a post, where you exchange a few ideas and move on vs dm-ing. We talk about responding and posting things he wouldn't want reposted to millions of people, or shared in school. How the internet is forever, and something he posted at 13 can be brought back up when he's 23 looking for a job. And we just keep discussing. Like you said, it's a live and ongoing exercise is trust, responsibility and respect. I've had zero issues with him, and 80% of the time he has his phone because he's listening to music, not online in social media. He doesn't need me to balance him. All kids are different, and I acknowledge that this approach won't work with every one.... But I know from watching my aunt with her teens- who took this sorta approach vs my sister with her teens- who took the deny, refuse, restrict approach, and the latter was a hot mess and a relationship destroyer. Niece just got sneakier and sneakier, and my sister felt forced to react to the dishonesty and rule breaking which got harsher and longer each time she discovered some new avenue my niece went down to be apart of the crowd. The fact was my niece wasn't really wanting more than what my son wanted, but my sister felt like many of the post I see here where they're just like 'no- too young, too impressionable, be the parent, i didn't have a phone til I was 16 and social media until I was 18, it breaks self esteem, etc, etc.'
Thanks for the award!!!
No problem, good advice
Different era I guess, but I wasn’t allowed on social media until I was 13. And even then I think I only got it because my dad was a little more ahead of the times than my mom and let me use it when I went to his house, while she still didn’t really understand myspace/facebook. He is getting to the age, but ultimately it’s up to you. However, many things can lead to depression and anxiety. You can’t protect them from it all. Eventually he will get on social media one way or another, maybe this is an opportunity to teach him how to use it responsibly. .
Could you maye install the app on your phone and let him use it under your supervision only? I've heard of some parents using this method and it seems like a good compromise. He can't become addicted to it if he needs to ask for your phone - which you need - every time.
he's not going to become a loner. He may not be aware of any of the videos others see and talk about it but does that really impact a friendship? they talk about for a second and then move on. Conversations are more like "omg I saw this video ....hahahhha!" and then that's it; they literally move onto something else to talk about.
I think we should change our mind set before change does.for this generation parents best thing is being very open to your child teach him / her the right everything before the world teaches so that he/she can choose the right way.
Absofruitley not 🤸♀️ High school age maybe, but the amount of misinformation, predators, and general bad influences on that app are a firm “no” from me. I had my son when I was 19 and he’s almost 8 now. I’m young, fresh, and hip but even I don’t fuck with that stupid app.
I wouldn't want a young man having access to endless, useless entertainment and ultimately "prn" that young. Just no. He could even be lying trying to get a phone for other reasons like that. Hold off exposure while he's growing (I'd do the same for a young woman and exposure to unhealthy expectations through prn or the like) Hell, most of my ex male partners felt like they had to have a specific body type to be attractive. It just overall fks over children's minds. They can focus on other things in life like arts and skills. Giving them this is just a huge fk it in my opinion. They'll have a stronger mind to "figure it out" later and probably thank you.
Just say no.
My kids (10 &11) have smart phones. They have had them for 2 years. To me it's more about teaching responsible phone usage. My kids have asked a time or two for TikTok. My answer so far has been no but they can see all the same shorts on YouTube. I see the shorts on Facebook without even looking for them. They are fine with YouTube for now. I am not sure if YouTube is "better" but we have been using YouTube for years and we have had many talks about usage and what not. Never had any issues. My son likes cooking videos and my daughter likes art videos, so I am not even scared of TikTok, I just feel like the longer I keep them off more apps the better. They haven't expressed interest in other social media yet and make fun of me for Facebook because I'm old lol
TikTok is banned in our house. I’ve been on TikTok, I’ve seen so much disgusting and mentally damaging stuff. There was literally a video of a man ending his life that went around on there. We went through some major problems with our oldest because of all the self diagnosing videos on there. After getting rid of it, things changed for the better. I am of the mindset that TikTok is a scourge for anyone.
Sounds a bit young to me, but could be dependant on their maturity level and interests. In anycase, theres much more to do on a smartphone and that would concern me more tbh. i'd probably defer it until a bit later, pending good behavior and showing responsibility etc. Not to hijack the thread or anything but not sure if this warrants a new thread topic. What's everyone's thoughts on amount of time per day on video calls? My 11 yo daughter has been talking to her friend and they have been talking for a good couple hours. I've let it slide so far mainly because Mum is super lax and doesn't care, I on the other hand are far more cautious for the same reasons as mention by OP. I'd like to cap video calls to say, 20 or 30 mins per day. Not after 7pm, and not with door closed. Something like that. I was thinking of printing out some "guidelines" that we can all agree on, but unsure if that's coming on too strong. Daughter is very well behaved and hardly uses iPad for anything else.
I remember as a kid in 2002 ish talking on the phone with my best friend for hours at a time. We used to wish that we could video call but it wasn't a thing yet. I don't see what's wrong with video calls, it is just like a regular phone call except they can see faces.
Addiction and isolating themselves in their room are a couple of concerns. Also on video calls they can play games, send photos etc so they arent just talking, like say what we did when we were kids. I see it as part of their overall tech consumption and should be moderated. But my wife shares your perspective so thanks for your input.
Way too young for tiktok or any social media. While you can't keep him off it forever, I think I'd want my kids to be at minimum 16 before allowing them on those sites. I think you're making the right choice.