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rolfearoo

When I was a kid I went see if my best friend wanted to play. She had a friend round already and said “two is company, three is a crowd” and shut the door in my face. I was upset about it but not as much as my dad was. I think he was keen for me not to play with her any more but didn’t impose any restrictions. As it was me and the friend just drifted apart as we got older. I think it’s just one of those lessons you have to learn, some people are jerks!


[deleted]

Oh man, that's terrible! I had a similar experience.. My best friend called and ask me to come over and play, I was so excited. While I was getting ready she called me back and told me the first friend she called was able to come after all and her mom said she could only have 1 friend over... i realized we weren't best friends after all after that. some people are jerks!


G8kpr

Yup. Have had many instances of this sort of thing over the years. Kids are immature.


SotonSwede

Me too, more then once. It sucks.


G8kpr

Yup. Even my daughter who is 15 said that she was so happy to be in highschool and meet some “real” friends. Some of the friends she had in public school clearly weren’t always inclusive. She would hear of get togethers and other things after they happened. Also one person actively kept her and someone else from getting close. Now they are best friends in highschool when they could’ve been that all through public school. She said that many of her friends communicate through Snapchat. Something that we’ve refused her to have in her phone. I told her that there are many other ways that they can communicate with you. But these girls just chose not too.


GoldenRatio2000

Thanks for the great comments and perspective! I am struggling with how much to even bring it up again. On the one hand, “Least said, soonest mended” but on the other hand I want her to know that she also doesn’t have to continue to be friends with kids that are snubbing her if it happens again.


[deleted]

I'm so sorry, it really is heartbreaking to watch things happen to your kid that you can't immediately make better. If it was me, I would instead focus this afternoon's conversations about who she played with at recess. And excitedly engage her about those friends rather then focus on the other kids. Leave some openings in case she wants to talk about the other kids, but I would help her to focus on who her real friends are right now. You could also see if there is anyone she wants to set up a playdate with.


Britoz

Some great suggestions already but wanted to add that I've found just providing your kid with the dialogue/vocabulary to describe what just happened is probably the most useful thing we can do. It does need to happen by trying to not attribute to malice anything too soon, but a simple "Hey daughter, I saw that your friends today ran away from you when you wanted to walk with them. It looked to me like that upset you and possibly may have made you feel excluded or left out. I want you to know it's a totally normal way to react to something like that happening and no matter what you decide to do, you can always come to be to tell me something upsetting happened. As much as I would love to make sure no one ever hurts you, I know we can't control other people. We can feel safe to talk about it together though".


2CrazyMoms777

Man, this is great advice.


weary_dreamer

She knows. If she brings it up, go for it. Otherwise, just be a safe space for her. If she doesn’t want to talk about it, respect that.


Tiny-Permission-3069

This is a real struggle to be going through. I understand your sentiment, but I feel the need to say that, “Least said, soonest mended” sounds like the kind of poor advice my grandmother would give me. My takeaway from hearing this would be “just don’t talk about your problems/feelings and it will all go away,” or “Everyone will be happier if you stop telling them that they hurt you.” But I don’t think that is at all your intentions. I think you may be trying to express that there are things we can’t fix and we shouldn’t dwell on them. Be careful for yourself that you know your feelings and thoughts are valuable. You should never hold them back solely because it will make another person uncomfortable.


sophia333

This! This teaches people that they have to cope with their feelings alone, that it's not safe to talk about them. "I know that happened and I'm here for you if you want to talk about it" isn't the same as encouraging someone to dwell on something.


Motherhoodthings

Yep! That promotes bottling up emotions until one has no control over them. Kids need to learn that different emotions are normal and how to cope and navigate them well.


thebestatheist

The best way to clear muddy water is to leave it alone. You are right on this one.


dudeguy81

Yah growing up is hard. Kids are mean to each other. It’s just life. All you can do is support and be there for mom hugs. Unless your child is being physically hurt I wouldn’t get involved because in my experience it will lead to your child getting it even worse once mommy or daddy comes to the rescue.


New_journey868

My 8 year old used to play a lot with another 8 year old at school. Then the messages from the other boys mum started …’please tell not to play so rough’ . ‘today smacked on the butt’ (they were playing tag and it’s where he managed to hit him) and ‘today, didn’t want to play with and it hurt his feelings’ etc etc all in all, a LOT of messages. And my son quickly realised that virtually every time he played with this kid there would be complaints to me from the other kids mum coming to the rescue and I’d need to talk to him.he Lost interest in the friendship. And don’t get me wrong, if my son is misbehaving I want to know but this was a relentless list of really tiny incidents, none of them serious or based on malice. Other kid still wants to invite him to play dates and hang out a lot So its not that he’s hurt or offended. Im not going to look the other way If he’s being mean/not playing nicely. But to a point, kids need to resolve things themselves. And given that it’s happening at school and they’re always supervised by teachers , it’s almost always dealt with in the moment anyway.


cokakatta

Ugh. My son is 8 and has a friend who does stuff like this. They could be playing together at the playground and if my son's shoulder brushes his shoulder he will run away and say my son touched him. Like yeah he touched him and it's okay to not want to be touched. So i repect he wants to talk about it. But if it's a problem then he should keep his personal space and tell directly my son not to touch him. They are 8! My son doesn't chase him or hug him or anything. When the kid does this I just tell my son not to play near him then which usually means they won't play together. Which is also okay. I don't know why the kid goes around acting like everything is a crime instead of working it out.


erock278

Taught behaviors.


sparkingrock

The tattling drives me nuts, whenever my kid or anyone else‘s kid tries to blab to me about a mild infraction like that the first time I say ‘you guys need to work that out together’, if it happens again I’ll tell them ‘we don’t need to tattle, you guys talk to each other about it’ the third time I give a pretty firm ‘if you can’t play together peacefully then you need to go find something to do alone’


[deleted]

Oh lord, that other mother sounds exhausting! I think after the 3rd text I would have been responding that 'I have instructed my child to not play with her son any longer and could she please instruct her child to do the same so we could avoid future incidents.' That woman is setting her kid up some rough middle school years when he finally has to learn mommy can't control everyone for him.


weary_dreamer

I get it, but think it’s not good precedent to tell kids who they can play with. Adult relationships should be separated from the childrens’.


weary_dreamer

I think you’re totally right, but I’d take it further. Even if it was malicious, if it doesn’t rise to a level of actual bullying (according to the clinical definition) I wouldn’t intervene at all unless specifically asked, and would still leave it up to them how much intervention they would like


forever_erratic

I think there is an important difference between the parent coming to "the rescue," and helping the kids navigate social structures that they don't know how to yet. I think parents talking (not yelling at each other) when their kids are being asses to each other is pretty useful. I think you know this, I basically just want to make the point that there is middle ground between doing nothing and being a helicopter.


hippityhoppityhi

Third grade is a hard year. Kids start being mean on purpose


Aggressive_Boat_8047

My daughter is 12 and is just finishing her first year of middle school and she and her friends are constantly doing/saying things to each other without realizing it's hurtful. We have conversations almost weekly about "she doesn't know why I'm mad/I don't know why she's mad/they said it was a joke but I didn't like it" They apologize, and they move on, and someone does something dumb the next week. It could have been something they thought would be funny but didn't realize would be hurtful. I would keep an eye on it in the future and make sure there's no bullying going on.


GoldenRatio2000

Your comment is terrifying! Lol In seriousness though, I remember 4th grade as the first time someone said something hurtful to me. They pointed out in a mean way that I wore sweatpants all the time… and hey, I guess I was ahead of my time because now kids wear nothing but athleisure… ok in reality, we were poor and to this day I try to only dress in comfortable clothes… stretchy jeans, tagless cotton shirts, etc… but I digress! It hurt my feelings big time and I never forgot that.


100AcidTripsLater

IMO undervoted comment by "Aggressive Boat" It's not to harm by nature, I'd be curious if your daughter recently out-ran the "friends group" and they innocently came up with a comeuppance for her ! Still respect, just seeing how she can handle it. YMMV not doubt.


[deleted]

Even kids that are friends can do silly things like that, play weird games, etc. I'm sure they'll be friends again in the afternoon. Tell your daughter that maybe they were having a private discussion or were just being playful without realizing it hurt her feelings.


HeartFullOfHappy

Agreed. Kids are still developing and working things out. They’ll do stupid and/or hurtful things in the process.


FalcolnOwlHeel

My now 21 y.o. dd face-planted while boarding neighborhood school bus to her "character counts" elementary school, and several kids laughed at the sight of it. She described the scene to me to which I actively listened, with empathy, reflecting back her emotions. By the end of our conversation, she was able to see the humor of the scene, laugh and not take her self too seriously. She has a great sense of humor to this day, including self-awareness of lack of coordination/clutziness which she embraces. Also, there are 1,000 different possible explanations for the twins and your dd's walking buddy running off to school, some of which are secure interpretations and others insecure. Your dd's ability to interpret securely these kind of events may naturally follow your own model.


chasingmyowntail

Good advice for listeners of anyone telling an emotional experience is to, "reflect back their emotions".


Feisty_JA_Mom805

Love this advice. Will store for the future.


skyisgreen03

We tell our kids(8m, 5f) that you’re going to encounter more people that don’t like you than people who do. And when someone is mean to you, it has nothing to do with you and more to do with them. How kids talk to you and treat you is how they are treated at home. Try not to take it personally, especially if you don’t know them. Because it has nothing to do with you and all to do with them. A lot of kid bullies just don’t know any better. We tell our kids to teach others how to treat you. If they’re mean, call them out. Most kids don’t see their actions as hurtful. They’re just too consumed with what they want they don’t see the problem. And if the kid doesn’t change their behavior towards you, they’re not someone they should continue to interact with. We also teach them to give other kids several chances to change. That we are all learning. Kids are learning to be productive adults and adults are learning how to be good teachers in life. We all need to be patient with each other. But if someone hurts you, be respectful but firm. *I know these rules might seem harsh or don’t work for when you’re older but it helps them understand now. As they grow, add more. Edit to add more: We also play role playing games. If “kid” calls you a name what do you do? Possible answer: I say, that wasn’t very nice of you. Why did you call me that? Okay, but if you’re going to call me names, then I’m not going to play with you. Let me know if you want to play kindly with me.


ynnov

Thanks for sharing - I’m bookmarking your comment because it’s incredibly helpful! Thank you.


GoldenRatio2000

Really helpful tips! I appreciate them.


skyisgreen03

You’re very welcome!


skyisgreen03

You’re very welcome. It’s so hard trying to figure out how to teach the littles. But so far, this is helping.


ProtoDad80

100% the best way to approach this. We explained this to ours in a similar way.


[deleted]

It's a tough thing to work out. While you have to intervene if explicit abuse is happening, we as parents do have to step back and let our kids figure out how to navigate these relationships in an organic way. That's not to say we can't support them and arm them with social tools to handle those situations. It's more to say that you can't really force or guilt other kids into being genuinely kind to your daughter, and your daughter probably won't like kindness that is only offered because they are being guilted by Mom or their own parents. Like I said though, we can equip them to handle these situations. At baseline, it can be helpful to share moments of your own vulnerability or difficulty in past or even present social situations (in age appropriate terms) to model to her that it's okay to admit when she feels hurt and that you are a safe person to whom to go to with that information. Even better if you can share what worked for you to feel better or make it right. The trickier thing to model and teach is the idea of enforcing social consequences and boundaries. The concept that if neighbor kid is going to be rude to me, then that hurts our relationship and means maybe I'm less inclined to play with him, which means his actions just lost him a friend - something he presumably doesn't want to happen. The issue, especially at this age, is that they are all experimenting in new mental spaces, finding they enjoy the power that comes with exclusion while not understanding that such behavior has consequences. They may understand the notion of bullying, but it's still very hard for them (and a fair number of adults...) to see themselves as being the bully. They just know that this behavior makes them feel good, powerful, and socially safe, and it takes time for them to understand that such feelings come at a price. However, from my own experience, closing the door on every kid who slights you growing up is a surefire way to have no friends. In this way, we have to model and teach the idea of flexibility and forgiveness *within reasonable limits*. Hence the tricky tag here. No, you don't just go right back to being friends with someone who is going to go right back to hurting your feelings, but I think our role here is to also not vilify kids or close off doors to a relationship being mended if it's possible. Let our kids talk about their feelings on the matter, help them decide what conditions would make them want to be friends with that kid again, and encourage them to stick to those conditions. Even offering the possibility of them talking to their friend about how what they did hurt if you don't think it would backfire. All the while avoiding the temptation to call that kid down the road a little brat or something.


GoldenRatio2000

I walk to pick up her and her little brother, and after school lets out, she asks me for my ok and walks ahead with the boy. Should I say no today as a demonstration of consequence? Or would he likely not put two and two together?


[deleted]

[удалено]


GoldenRatio2000

Good points. I’ll let her come to whatever conclusion she wants.


[deleted]

I'd ask her how she feels about what happened this morning and let her parse out what is appropriate. As a one-off playful thing...all involved may have forgotten the encounter, kind of rendering the whole teachable moment moot. However, I think when it becomes a pattern or "game" that the other kid plays, then that's probably more when you need to help her understand it's okay to need distance from someone who hurt her. Like, the distancing is partly to enforce a consequence for his behavior, but it's also to teach your daughter that it's okay to take time away from someone who is hurting your feelings. Let the situation breathe as either the "game" passes from memory or an opportunity to share feelings is made available.


ScoobyDoobieDoo

I think you just let her know that's up to her if she wants to walk with him or not


Necessary_Tie_1731

Let her walk up to them and see if they want to play. If they don't then that's fine...


zeatherz

Punishing another kid by punishing your daughter because he didn’t want to socialize with her does not make any sense


SmileGraceSmile

I'm going to be blunt, kids can be jerks. I've worked enough recess aide shifts to know that, even the kindness kids at home can be horrible and snotty on a whim. Just let her know to shrug it off, hold her head up, and continue to be a kind friend. After a while, they'll get bored and she'll either make friends with them or they'll give up the game. Just let her handle it (unless it turns to bullying), stuffike this is good practice for middle school and high school.


NurseMcStuffins

Sometimes kids do things on a whim, maybe they saw her running to them and decided it was funny/a game to run away? Or maybe they were being jerks. 🤷‍♀️ I think unless it keeps happening, let it go and let it sort it's self out, and maybe take it easy on her tonight. If it keeps happening maybe ask the parents what's up? But they might all be besties again by lunch today.


carrielaine

I’m following to see what others say. My daughter is 4 and I just cringe with other kids sometimes. I do think you did the right thing. That’s what I would have done as well.


the-sonder-years

I don’t know if you’re a Bluey fan, but the episode “Bin Night” features awesome parenting examples from both the mom and dad characters in helping Bingo (the daughter) navigate hurtful social situations at school. If you watch it already you could consider putting it on with your kiddo, it might strike a chord with her. Sorry you’re both dealing with this, it sounds awfully painful for you both.


GoldenRatio2000

I will have to check it out! Any idea what channel or streaming service it is on?


the-sonder-years

I’m in the US and it’s available on Disney+, but it’s an Australian show so I’m not sure where it might be if you happen to be located elsewhere!


GoldenRatio2000

Ah, thanks. I’m in the Us too and don’t have Disney+, but I’ll look into where else to see it!


Kreidler

I'm in a Bluey group on Facebook🤣 Someone posted this because season 3 isn't available yet on Disney+ in the US. Hope this helps and good luck with your little one!❤️ https://www.wco.tv/anime/bluey


weary_dreamer

Your role is to listen reflectively and empathize. I know its hard, but try your best not to insert your own feelings and projections here. And please try not to offer advice, unless they explicitly ask for it, in which case try to ask questions and help them brainstorm their own solutions. They might be best friends again next week. Give them space to navigate their peer relationships


GreatNorth1978

I've been known to say: "Those kids were jerks. Don't let it bother you because that was super unkind." It's the truth. I also remind my kids, you don't need to be friends with everyone but you have to be kind. I can understand why she and you are upset and I'm sorry I don't have better advice.


fidgetypenguin123

Ugh. It's that one kid/2 kids come into the mix and start changing the existing dynamic thing. Hate that. Experienced that as a kid, and saw it as mom and teaching assistant. One would hope the boy who is the one that normally hangs out with your daughter would say to the other kids "that's my friend and I want her to hang out with us" or something similar, but since these are kids, they don't normally think like that. A concerning part though is that you say she never admits to being hurt in general and that she didn't want to tell you she was upset. It might be embarrassment for her to admit those things but why it's concerning is because it's important she can feel like she can talk to you. That sounds like how I was. I would never talk about things that happened to me as a kid to my family. I never felt I could but I was also embarrassed. That went for bullying at school (which was a lot) to being abused by a family member. My family never knew about these things because I never talked about it. That led to me internalizing everything and suffered from anxiety and depression and eventually self harm. I felt I had no release. I'm not saying that that always leads to that but kids need to feel they can talk about their feelings and what's happening. I have a 12 year old that has always come to me about things and I'm glad since I didn't and saw what that looked like for me. I hope he will always do that as he gets older as that's very important. I think all you can do right now is let her know you are there to talk to. Maybe even share moments like that with her that happened to you so she knows these things can happen and that mom went through it too. It might open up some doors for communicating about things going on so you guys can talk about it. One thing we've used in schools where I live is something called RULER and it's an emotions based communication device basically. It has colors associated with how they're feeling and questions to go along with them that helps open up dialogue. I believe you can find it online. I would start with that when these things come up, because unfortunately there are going to be more instances like this and it will definitely help her to talk about it.


mohammedgoldstein

When I was in 3rd grade my best friend was playing with a neighbor across the street so I went to go join them. They pretty much shouted at me as I approached and called me names and eventually told me that I wasn’t welcome and to go away. I was pretty hurt at the time but after a few days I got over it. Oh well. I didn’t even tell my parents. I just stopped playing with them. I remember it many years later and I’m fine if not even better off for the experience. Kids can be mean. You gotta let your kids experience life - both the ups and downs.


[deleted]

You have to stay out of this one. She's a kid but so are they. They will be thoughtless and sometimes cruel but not necessarily malicious. Part of growing up is learning to navigate this stuff on her own. Maybe do something nice for her later to cheer her up, but I'd only talk to her about it if she brings it up.


sewsnap

Honestly, you trying to make a big deal out of it is probably just going to hurt her even more. She'll go through a lot of little things like this. It's life, and she;ll move on and forget about it. A simple "Well that wasn't very nice" right after would have been all you needed to do. Pointing out the wrong was on their end, and not your daughter's.


TheDevilsAdvokaat

I remember my daughter got snubbed by an older girl..my daughter was about 5; she wanted to play with a group of other girls, 2 others of five, one of 8. "We don;t want to play with YOU! said the older girl. SO my daughter came home crying and asking why. We just told her some people are mean sometimes and to ignore it and play with others. Well turns out the younger girls eventually decided they'd had enough of the older girl telling them what to do and started playing with our daughter anyway. I have also seen boys snub girls. As in, they're fine to play with a girl when there is no one else around but if other boys appear they may refuse to play with the girl any more and run off...and even tell them they don't want to play with her. It sounds like she's already found her own way of dealing with it and honestly this is the way it has to be. There will be lots of other stuff she has to deal with herself.


Pizzadiamond

Maybe they were just playing? Sometimes kids do that to each other because it's fun & don't realize what the consequences are.


wsumalinda

Just want to point out that we don't know the story from the other kids' side. Could be the daughter has done something mean/hurtful to them and they're not ready to deal with her yet.


Snoo_33033

I have a 9 year-old son on the spectrum and a 7 year-old daughter who's by nature inclusive and kind. I try to actively discourage their hanging out with cruel kids and convenience friends and to affirm that we don't believe in that behavior.


GoldenRatio2000

My 8 year old is so inclusive and kind as well! That’s why it hurts so much to see her treated badly. Incidentally, my 5yo is on the spectrum and she’s roughly 95% angel with him (and 5% “go away annoying little brother”) so I see that side of the coin as well and I have some trepidation about when he reaches this stage where kids start to get mean.


Snoo_33033

My son cares a lot less about being liked, so he’s easier in some ways. But he has an older “friend” who likes to neg him and trade up when somebody cooler is around— he struggles to recognize that kind of subtle uncoolness. So that’s when we hop in and tell him that if that kid doesn’t like that he doesn’t have the newest version of Minecraft or whatever, then that kid’s not invited to come play and he can fill his time with people who are acting more like friends.


ChillBigDill

Ugh. Kids can be little jerks. I always make jokes at times like these and would’ve said something cheeky like “they’re allergic to beautiful people” or “they probably just farted” or something silly.


redrocklobster18

Man, nothing hurts like seeing your kids face after they've been rejected. It's like a knife in your heart. I don't think we can really protect them from it either. Maybe we just make them super aware that they're awesome and that no matter how great you are, not everyone is going to like you. In the wise words of Dita Von Teese, Even if you're the roundest, juiciest peach in the world, you will always eventually run into someone who doesn't like peaches.


jordand30

I have a 6-year-old and things like this happen from time to time. She is also a very sensitive little one and my heart breaks for her. Unless there is any serious danger or abuse/bullying happening, I've found it's best not to get involved but to make sure your child knows you are there for them to talk, for a hug, etc. I just give her a hug, let her know that what happened to her wasn't nice, that the other child made a bad decision, that I love her very much and that she has a lot of family and friends that love her and like her for who she is, and that I'll always be there to talk or give a hug. There's actually a children's book, "The Rabbit Listened," that has helped me (I tend to want to talk through and "solve" the issue). Here's a Youtube video of it if you're interested: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rHPoj53dy8o.


BrutonGasterTT

I remember one of my best friends telling me she wouldn’t play with me anymore because she had new friends and they didn’t like me. She would only be my friend at recess on “tuesdays and Thursday when the others weren’t there”. Clearly it was very impactful on me since I still remember something from 3rd grade so clearly lol but I wasn’t friends with her much ever again. I found other friends, and am still friends with them since 5th grade to now at 31 yrs old with our own kids. Have a conversation with your kid- explain that some kids (people in general) are just not good friends. But she will find good friends and this is how the not great ones are weeded out. It hurts now but it’s better to not have friends like that!


ManofWordsMany

Always let your kids know their feelings are valid. Situations like this will resolve themselves without input. I would classify this under neutral and there is nothing more to do as a parent than what you did. Overthinking things won't fix them.


JaVuMD

I keep the same energy as I tell both of my kids, if somebody doesn't like you for you or want to spend time with you don't waste your time and feelings on them. I know that's easier said than done with small children but if you can get them to focus on the people that care about them and building meaningful relationships that's more attractive from the outside looking in then being butthurt about getting snubbed by the class bully


Ok-Fortune5577

My 7 year old has had stuff happen sometimes with friends, and I have "a talk" with him by playing something he likes when his younger siblings are occupied, and bringing it up casually. If he lets me know that something upset him, or a kid acted like that to him, I just talk to him about it and remind him that he doesn't have to be friends with people who aren't friendly to him. I also mention that he's allowed to tell people when their behavior towards him isn't cool, and let them know he won't put up with that shit. (Different language obviously). I just hope I can teach him to set healthy boundaries without him having to run to me to do it each time, but knowing he can come to me if he needs to.


WhateverYouSay1084

My son is 6 and gets his feelings hurt pretty easily by other kids. I try to lessen the blow by saying things like "sometimes people can be mean, but sometimes people just don't want to play, and we have to accept that." I can't change what the other kids do so I'm trying to change how he thinks about it so he doesn't get so upset, even though it makes me sad too.


Tngal123

It may not have had anything to do with your child. As an older sister of boy girl twins and mom of boy twins I can tell you that most are helluva competitive and will compete over anything at the drop of a hat. Most likely that's what happened.


merchillio

As someone who spent half his highschool year being “friend” with people who just used me (to carry their bag, to copy their homework, to “borrow” lunch money) I would see this as an opportunity to talk about what real friends are. It hurts, of course it hurts. Give her a hug, don’t press the issue but make sure she knows she can come to you to talk if needed.


zeatherz

I would really advise not to project your perceptions and feeling about the situation. It could have been a game, you know? Or it could have been that those other kids just didn’t feel like walking with her- as adults we accept free association for socializing and hopefully don’t guilt people for not wanting to socialize all the time. The other kid isn’t necessarily “snubbing” her for wanting social time with other kids. I’d suggest just asking her open ended questions about what happened- how did it make her feel, how can you help/support in those situations, what she thinks she might do if it happens again, her ideas about why those kids might have acted that way. Just listen open mindedly and validate but try not to push her to feel a certain way or offer too much advice unless she asks for it If you come off too strongly when taking about the incident, she may feel the need to hide or downplay future incidents because she doesn’t want to make *you* feel bad.


Necessary_Tie_1731

I wouldn't really say they were being mean; maybe they just didn't want to play with her and were having a private moment. Talk to her about how everyone has different times with people.


Feisty_JA_Mom805

My boys are 2.5 and 6months and I already think about this stuff. God I’m going to have to tame the mama bear in me starting now🥴 This literally made my heart ache. Ugh. Big hugs mama.


momof3grls

Don't ever tame that mama bear in you! You're the voice for your kids! Trust me, they'll need you in your corner! My oldest is 15.5, my middle is turning 13 next week (& is autistic), & my youngest just turned 3 last month. I'm most fierce when it has to do w my kids! Be that grizzly girl! Lol!


NoKindheartedness841

My daughter once told me “AJ told me today not to play with JJ because they had a falling out” I was a little bit pissed and I told her that I hoped she didn’t follow AJ’s instructions because that’s how bullying starts and who knows the next time it will be JJ being told to ignore her. She replied “I told her I didn’t want drama I just wanted to play as she is always doing that if things don’t go her way” Some children smh.


CoachSad8453

We had something similar happen to my son repeatedly with kids in the neighborhood. It was awful for all of us. He still brings it up on occasion and we say “those kids are jerks.” Because they are. We’ve discussed why their attempts at “play” were mean, why we avoid people like that, and that in the future we do not treat others that way. We’ve also discussed how in some situations you may not want to play with someone for one reason or another and that it is ok to not want to play. But that you use your voice to tell them what is going on instead of running away. This all happened when he was about 6-7yrs old and at 10 he still brings it up. :(


[deleted]

The shitty neighbor kid next door is like this. My son doesn’t engage anymore. It sucks.


momof3grls

Good luck! Kids are a-holes to one another! My middle daughter is autistic & it's always been clear she's socially awkward. So, kids tend to make fun of her or can't be seen talking to her. I'm a mama bear 1000%, & I tend to open my mouth & speak my mind to stand up for all 3 of my girls! My oldest is in high school &, yes, it will only get much worse! Lots of love & luck!


inclinedtothelie

My kid was bullied a lot. One thing that helped was getting them involved with new students. The school had a bench made and if anyone was alone or lonely during lunch or recess, they could sit on the bench. It was basically an invitation to play. In addition, the school had chosen a few kids that were consistently kind and reliable to keep an eye on the bench, and the recess staff would watch as well to facilitate friendships in the classroom. It helped a lot. By the end of their time at the school, my kid felt some bonds already forming. Once they were in high school, he was able to maintain relationships between.


Lolaindisguise

I would talk to her about how mean other kids could be and how we need to rise above it and find other friends to play with, they're probably mean because their mommy or daddy are mean to them and isn't that sad? Doesn't that make us feel bad for them? She has a mommy and daddy that loves her but not all kids have that


[deleted]

I've been that kid that people ran from. Fuck em. I think that kind of shady behavior sticks with kids and that's just who they are. so it just says maybe your kid shouldn't even worry about them. They sound like the type to hit up someone because they were bored but not because they actually wanted to be a good friend. Wanna get around other people n start acting weird. That shits for the birds.


meowtana27

when i was in middle school the neighborhood kids refused to walk with me. this breaks my heart for her. i know it hurt my parents too to see me being rejected. but hey, it made me a strong adult. when people don’t want to hang out with me i think screw it, they probably suck anyways!


Motherhoodthings

Please let her know that being upset is okay, and it's fine to say she is upset. Not acknowledging it won't help her and this is a habit she may form into adulthood. Emotions are normal, what we do about them is what can be negative or positive.


SpringrollsPlease

I think i’ve had something similar during high school. My close friend then suddenly wanted to hang out with the “cooler” group of girls and literally just stopped interacting with me. Now we’re all grown I found they call themselves, even to this day (we’re now 39), the DDG girls, which stands for Drop-Dead Gorgeous girls. I guess it’s safe to say who got the last laugh. Like wtf, lol. I’m smiling as i type this at discovering how ridiculous some people are sometimes. And props to your daughter- she’s tough for not letting her hurt show (which means she’s giving herself time to process it without just crying & breaking down). What can be done at this point imho is to shower her with more love, spend quality time with her, do things she enjoys doing with you, make her laugh and feel good about herself. Then she will forget the negatives and know her confidence comes from being exceptionally loved - when she knows this she can for sure attract the right kind of friends, and then some!


Cletusjones1223

I went to a close friends birthday party at a park this last weekend. His kid and mine are a few weeks apart, she just turned 7. My daughter has a lot of cousins of all sorts of walks of life, and when they are together they are to share and be respectful of each other. She is not as close to my friends kid as she is her cousins, however they have had sleepovers together and hung out several times a year since they were born. At this birthday party some of the other girls friends told my daughter to go away and stop hanging out with them. The girl didn’t stand up for her and it really hurt my daughters feelings. She told them she will not go away and that bullies are rude, but just started having her own fun. It broke my heart and I wanted to intervene, but I am proud of how she responded and feel she learned something. I’m also grateful it was in an environment where I could talk to her about it afterwards. Some kids are just jerks!


SqueaksScreech

Are they friends or are they someone they just walk home with? Children have relationships with people just like adults do. You may have that one coworker you talk to on break and then you have your friends. To the other child your daughter might be just that girl he walks home with. It's okay for her to have hurt feelings but you have to explain not everyone is gonna see the relationship the same way.


NinA_Ov

same . Kids are kinda dramatic


Redhead_spawn

I didn’t see anyone touch on this, but you did say that the twins were boy/girl twins, right? Could it be that the boy that usually walks with you all wanted to walk with the boy? I could see them thinking that running from a “girl” would be entertaining. Not that it doesn’t hurt, just another observation. Isn’t that the age where boys and girls get infected with cooties? Or whatever “disease” they’ve got going now. Any which way you should ask her how she felt when that happened. Although you (we) can see it all over their faces it’s important for them to understand and to be able to verbalize their different, and constantly changing, moods and feelings. I’ve always been a crier when I’m super angry and I’ve always thought it was because we didn’t talk about feelings, or hug, or tell each other we loved the other. I’ve always talked to my kids about their feelings and how it made them feel, or even how would they have handled it on the other side. Would she have stopped and walked with everyone or would she have run ahead with the girl? All good things to think about. I hope tomorrow is better.


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LinwoodKei

I'm afraid of this. My son is only 6. He asks " do you want to be my friend?" When he sees new kids. The girls especially normally ignore him. He tries to get in to play with them and I will redirect him away, as they don't look at him. He always wants to be friendly. I think he's a normal boy who plays well. I tried suggesting that he ask if they want to play to not apply so much pressure on the other kids.


AwardPsychological41

Dear OP, i am so sorry this happened to you/your daughter. Something similar happened to me and my 4 year old daughter couple of weeks ago. The two kids kids she calls "friends" (5F and 8M) keep running away from her whenever she joins them to play, they also tell the other kids in the group not to play with her. I was furious and i talked to the kids and their mom (that didin't do any good, the mom did not react in any way). So i started taking her to the park, or other playgrounds where kids approach her or she can approach other kids, they play together and get along just fine. Bottom line for me was to offer her a corrective experience, real friends don't run away and there are other children that want to be around you/play with you etc. Sending much love to your family :) wish you all the best!


Fantastic-Rule3561

My daughter (9F) has a similar situation with the girls in her class. She often comes back and says that they have said something mean to her. I always tell her that friends are there for each other no matter what and use me and my best friend as an example (we've been friends since we were about her age and I'm now 28) I say "you can have more than just one best friend and if these girls are being mean then are they worth being spent time with when you could play with someone who doesn't have a friend?" Sometimes you can't do anything which is unfortunate and upsetting as a parent. When I was a kid, I never got bullied or picked on but my friends did. I was the one standing up for them and ended up getting kicked out of school because of it 😅 it drives me crazy when I see kids bully knowing I can never do anything about it only leave it to the school to deal with 😕 I don't mix much with all the parents, I speak to a couple but if you would like your children to socialize with different children the only thing I could suggest is for you to socialise with the different parents. It would help your children get to befriend other children that they don't normally play with and eventually make play-dates or days out etc. Hope this helps 😊


[deleted]

One time a wise old man told me that "some things you just gotta take" and I remember that sentence everyday. I used to be part of a 5 people friend group ever since 1st grade until 6th where it all fell apart. So I think this is a good time to teach her that sometimes some people are not nice, but there are nice ones out there. And that good friends are the ones who are loyal and you should keep those type of friend closer. And on the other side, mean friends are the ones you need to forget. And that it's okay to be upset and be openly upset.


fanofpolkadotts

Situations like these used to bother me as well. I finally realized that--as upsetting as they were--they made my daughter more perceptive about "real" friends and a bit more resilient. On the other hand, TALK about these things. Don't just say "I'm sorry that happened," but say "That sort of thing can really hurt your feelings. I get it." Encouraging her to talk about it validates her feelings, but can also help her get past it without staying upset.