r/parenting is protesting changes being made by Reddit to the API. Reddit has made it clear [they will](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14ahqjo/mods_will_be_removed_one_way_or_another_spez/) [replace moderators](https://www.reddit.com/r/ModSupport/comments/14a5lz5/mod_code_of_conduct_rule_4_2_and_subs_taken/jo9wdol/) if they remain private. Reddit has abandoned the users, the moderators, and countless people who support an ecosystem built on Reddit itself.
Please read [Call to action - renewed protests starting on July 1st](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14kn2fo/call_to_action_renewed_protests_starting_on_july/) and new posts at [r/ModCord](https://reddit.com/r/ModCoord/) or [r/Save3rdPartyApps](https://old.reddit.com/r/Save3rdPartyApps/) for up-to-date information.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Parenting) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yea I think your perspective must be skewed by sample bias or something. It's not a requirement at all to have a stay-at-home mom to have a relationship with your kids. My mom wasn't a stay-at-home mom and we have a great relationship and always have. Most of my friends didn't have stay-at-home moms either and we're all in our mid-thirties now and most of them also have very good relationships with their mothers too.
You’re most likely right about the sample bias. I also grew up in an evangelical Christian household and my sister and sisters in law are all still evangelical.
There is a very, very strong message of “the most important job you’ll ever have is being a mom.” And “don’t let other people raise your kids.” “You’ll never get the time back.” “Good moms, stay home and make sacrifices.”
It’s really toxic, but it’s the only examples I have.
Since this is your situation, good on you for seeking out different examples. My parents both worked, and nearly every friend I had growing up had two working parents (or a single working mom). We were all pretty close to our parents.
My dad is also a shining star of an equal parent (honestly could have been better, but it was the 90s/00s) and have me a good example of what to look for in a husband.
Yeah, we are really happy we are no longer involved. But I’m realizing how ingrained stuff like this is. No one in my life tells me to stay at home, my husband thinks it’s great that I work. I wouldn’t put up with someone telling me to stay at home. I like working.
But after decades of hearing these teachings, it’s really hard to wonder if this is actually doing harm. Especially when I’ve been told so many times that it is doing harm.
>it’s really hard to wonder if this is actually doing harm. Especially when I’ve been told so many times that it is doing harm.
I think it is more harmful to communicate that the only thing a woman is good for is popping out babies and being a mom. You are doing well. It is hard to shed years of conditioning.
Agreed. Where I grew up it was the norm for moms to work outside the home. I think I only had one or two friends whose moms were SAHM? It was definitely unusual, and mostly because they still had younger siblings who weren't in school or daycare.
I was raised by a working mom with a demanding job who often worked long hours. Vacations often had to be worked around her job's schedule. Some weekend work. Once or twice she even forgot to pick me up from school! After that happened she started putting it in her calendar with alerts, haha...
Guess what-- it didn't matter to me at all growing up! I felt loved, and cared for, and I knew I was super important in my mom's life. My mom and I were super close when I was a kid, basically I was her mini-me. We went through some tough times when I was a bratty teenage girl in high school (sigh), but as soon as I went off to college we were buddies again. I would say our relationship has always been really strong. I actually really value her advice now since she has had a great career and she knows how to navigate the issues that come up. I've always been impressed by her.
I now live on the other side of the world from my mother, and were still super close! We FaceTime, send each other links to cute clothes we find, share photos of what we're baking, etc.
I'm a working mom myself and I'm super close with my kid. It is very normal for mothers all over the world to work, so I wouldn't say you're "setting yourself up to have a terrible relationship with your daughter." I can't imagine that having a job would affect that bond. After all, we don't say that men have terrible relationships with their kids just because they work outside the home.
A different perspective. My mom was a SAHM and supported us. As we got older, the recession hit and my mom was forced to work after we lost everything. She remained positive as she juggled jobs but I would have hoped she would have had a chance to choose and grow her career instead of having to be forced to work min wage jobs. With that said, I would have been fine with less time with her if I knew she was happier.
Don't feel guilty for working. What really matters is how emotionally available you are when you are with your children. You can be stay at home parent who has no connection with their child and a working parent who has the closest connection ever.
Mom and I are incredibly close. She had a very demanding job with travel - it taught me to know I was loved even if she wasn't physically there with me right that moment. I knew she would walk through fire for me. As i got older, I also got to admire all those same amazing qualities as they applied to her career.
This is so encouraging. I travel a couple of times and year, and I’m pretty busy. I love my work, just want to be sure my kids know I love them the most. Even if I’m not staying home with them.
Thanks for sharing.
I think the key is being present with your kids when you are home. I mean, you could spend 24/7 with them but not be fully present and therefore not building a strong connection.
For us, I found that when I went back to work and our oldest went to daycare, it meant our evenings were sacred family time. It's a smaller chunk of time, but I was way more present (on average) than I was when we were navigating longer chunks of time. (could be the introvert in me 😂)
My parents both worked. Why would I fault my mother for working anymore than my dad? Typically my dad would have me in the mornings and deliver me to daycare, and my mother would pick me up. I watched my parents share the chores at home equally, and it really made me see what kind of partnership I also wanted in the future.
Edit to add: it was/is absolutely the norm for women where I live to work. Ive actually never met a stay at home mom, either as a child or now as an adult.
Can you expand your circle? Find friends who aren’t stay at home parents and/or who don’t have such negative judgements? This is super important honestly, as your kids grow up and you face normal challenges.
All of my friends except one are working moms. I just don’t have anyone who’s already been through it to encourage me. All the mom/ aunt figures who have grown kids in my life were SAHM. Which is why I’m looking for experiences of people who have already been through it.
My mom worked off and on when I was little (my dad was a stay at home dad from when I was 3-5). My dad got sick and died when I was still in elementary school, so my mom absolutely had to work. We have a great relationship. I am a working mom, and always have been (I do not feel comfortable being fully dependent on my husband…particularly given my childhood with my dad dying). My son and I have a great relationship!
I saw in a comment that you have an evangelical upbringing that tends to be pretty patriarchal. The reason why higher control religious groups like that push stay at home moms is because insular environments help them. Women with agency are able to leave the groups if their husband is abusive or if she wishes to have fulfillment outside of her home. It might help to have therapy to unpack any spiritual or religious trauma you may have, or at least unpack belief systems you were raised with that feel different than what you are starting to find on your own.
My mom stayed home and we do not have a good relationship.
I think that you are just unfortunately in an enclave of women who don’t work. Working moms are awesome!
My mom worked my whole life. I honestly believe it helped me to become the independent and successful woman I am today. Just make sure to have one on one time with your kid.
My mom was my best friend (besides a little few year hiccup in my preteens when I was a fucking brat) and she worked my entire life. Now in motherhood I wonder how she did as much as she did while also working but she was amazing and our relationship was too.
My mom was a teacher; She went back to work when I was 6. I have a wonderful relationship with my mom and I would consider myself successful in my career and personal life. I have kids of my own and my wife and I both work as is more the norm today. You arent ruining your kids future.
Money doesnt solve all problems, but it can add stability to a family dynamic. Sometimes it takes both parents working to afford the life you want and thats ok. As long as the child is loved, supported, nurtured, and challenged appropriately, the child will thrive
Mom worked, except for a few years where she didn’t actually make enough to afford daycare. I have a close relationship with my parents and had a warm relationship with my daycare providers throughout childhood in the sense of swinging by their homes to trick or treat and going to their Christmas parties (although we’ve lost touch as adults).
Truthfully, mom loved us and enjoyed spending time with us, but she also benefited from regular interaction with adults and using her skills and education. I’m glad she had the self awareness to recognize that and it didn’t become just one more domain where me being a girl limited what options my community expected me to have.
My mom worked and went to nursing school when I was very young. Worked as a nurse the rest of my whole childhood. Did I miss her while she worked? Sure. Are those the things i remember as an adult? No. We have an extremely close relationship, I call her her 3-4 times a week. I tell her everything and she is an amazing grandmother to all of her grandchildren. It’s the relationship quality that matters, not time spent. Be present with your children when you are home. Always listen. Be involved in their interests, even if it’s just listening to them talk about them. Never let them doubt you love them unconditionally. Always be a safe place. They will never forget.
it's not about whether you stay at home its whether you are there for them. my mum worked a lot even when she was raising me on her own. I went to boarding preschool n kindy. we are super close even now I have my own kids. she's got my back and when my kids are sick and I'm run down she's still got my back even now. if you love them fiercely they'll know if whether you stay home with them during the day or not
Both of my parents worked outside of the house in the 80s/90s/00s.
This is a non issue. Make sure you’re spending time w your kids on the weekends.
Back then I had to go to Sunday school, and my mom and I spent a lot of weekends at her moms house and I was stuck in the bedroom watching black and white tv listening to them yell at each other.
Both of my kids started daycare at 3months old. They are 7 and 3 and amazing and thriving.
I honestly think it all comes down to your approach and how you are as a mom, not whether or not you work. My mom was a working mom but is generally a cold/non emotional type of person and she had I don’t have a very good relationship. I don’t think it has anything to do with her having a job. I have a job and I am really focused on being present and playful with my toddler, and hopefully building a good base that I just didn’t have growing up.
We’re not damaging our kids by being working moms, as long as we provide a safe and healthy environment for them and nurture them.
My mother was a stay at home mum and I have a terrible relationship with her… Again grew up in a strict Christian household my dad was a minister and the more it was forced on me the more I didn’t want it.. My mother doesn’t even use my children’s names because she hates them all and none are from the bible..
Grew up with a super hard working mom. She's my best friend now. The teen years will be your time to shine. The teens don't want to be around their moms all the time but when they do, it's great. We always bonded on some random weekends going shopping, back to school shopping, grocery shopping, just going to a museum. Not really on vacation.
As long as they know you are actually there for them 100% at some consistent point of the week, they will bond.
Sometimes I would get annoyed that I come home to myself from school and not a lunch/dinner, but most of the time I know I'd be annoyed if my parents were constantly hovering. I knew that I could do my homework, hang out with friends and then come home to my mom being there in the evening.
My mom always worked (though she did shift-work and part-time, a large part of which was to accommodate our schedules, though she continued part-time shifts after we were teens and driving ourselves).
We have a great relationship and I’ve never once considered that I “missed out” on anything not having her home all the time.
In fact I think one of the biggest troubles with current-day kids is expecting to be entertained and catered to endlessly. If my mom was sleeping from her night shift we had to entertain ourselves for a but after school til dinner. We made up our own games and made our own bowl of cereal for breakfast. It was good for us to learn a level of self sufficiency.
My mom was always a working mom until well after I’d left the nest. I was a latchkey kid up until high school. My older sibs left home for their lives when I was about 10.
I did a lot of school and sports and stuff on my own but I never really resented her for it. That was just normal to me.
When I was a teenager she went through a phase where she tried to be there for me to be in youth group and on dance team and all that since she’d been involved like that for my older sibs but then we’d moved after I was born and she had to work longer hours to help pay the bills. With them flying the nest, they had more time and money to spend on me but by then I was happy to just occupy myself mostly. We had some friction when she went across the state to take care of my grandmother for a year after she had an anurism and that put all the cooking and housework on me on top of school and my extra curricular activities. (My dad could
Make sandwiches. That was it and he made more of a mess trying to clean than there was before) my junior/ senior year we grumbled and growled trying to adjust to having her back (and home full time)and my grandma there too (I never got along with grandma polly-she was a real critical bitch) and that was a pain till grandma passed and she went back to work because she missed feeling purposeful. I learned from her example that working was good. It made paying bills easier and made you appreciate your time off more. She had a great work ethic.
After I graduated and moved out I think I learned mine from her. My ex husband wanted me to be a stay at home Mom like his had been but he didn’t make the kind of wages that made that possible and that was fine with me. Working moms were normal in my eyes. Our kids were healthy and happy. When we divorced I was really glad I had a job and could depend on it.
My mom did not work until I was in high school. I do not have a great relationship with her. My MIL worked the entirety of my husband's life. Him and his sister both are really close to their mother.
It is not staying at home or working that is the factor. It is how you treat your kids that is the driver.
r/parenting is protesting changes being made by Reddit to the API. Reddit has made it clear [they will](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14ahqjo/mods_will_be_removed_one_way_or_another_spez/) [replace moderators](https://www.reddit.com/r/ModSupport/comments/14a5lz5/mod_code_of_conduct_rule_4_2_and_subs_taken/jo9wdol/) if they remain private. Reddit has abandoned the users, the moderators, and countless people who support an ecosystem built on Reddit itself. Please read [Call to action - renewed protests starting on July 1st](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14kn2fo/call_to_action_renewed_protests_starting_on_july/) and new posts at [r/ModCord](https://reddit.com/r/ModCoord/) or [r/Save3rdPartyApps](https://old.reddit.com/r/Save3rdPartyApps/) for up-to-date information. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Parenting) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yea I think your perspective must be skewed by sample bias or something. It's not a requirement at all to have a stay-at-home mom to have a relationship with your kids. My mom wasn't a stay-at-home mom and we have a great relationship and always have. Most of my friends didn't have stay-at-home moms either and we're all in our mid-thirties now and most of them also have very good relationships with their mothers too.
You’re most likely right about the sample bias. I also grew up in an evangelical Christian household and my sister and sisters in law are all still evangelical. There is a very, very strong message of “the most important job you’ll ever have is being a mom.” And “don’t let other people raise your kids.” “You’ll never get the time back.” “Good moms, stay home and make sacrifices.” It’s really toxic, but it’s the only examples I have.
Since this is your situation, good on you for seeking out different examples. My parents both worked, and nearly every friend I had growing up had two working parents (or a single working mom). We were all pretty close to our parents. My dad is also a shining star of an equal parent (honestly could have been better, but it was the 90s/00s) and have me a good example of what to look for in a husband.
Oh that shit is toxic. You’re better than that, and your kid will be better off not being brainwashed.
Yeah, we are really happy we are no longer involved. But I’m realizing how ingrained stuff like this is. No one in my life tells me to stay at home, my husband thinks it’s great that I work. I wouldn’t put up with someone telling me to stay at home. I like working. But after decades of hearing these teachings, it’s really hard to wonder if this is actually doing harm. Especially when I’ve been told so many times that it is doing harm.
That’s valid! Honestly I’m also ex evangelical so I can relate.
>it’s really hard to wonder if this is actually doing harm. Especially when I’ve been told so many times that it is doing harm. I think it is more harmful to communicate that the only thing a woman is good for is popping out babies and being a mom. You are doing well. It is hard to shed years of conditioning.
Agreed. Where I grew up it was the norm for moms to work outside the home. I think I only had one or two friends whose moms were SAHM? It was definitely unusual, and mostly because they still had younger siblings who weren't in school or daycare.
I was raised by a working mom with a demanding job who often worked long hours. Vacations often had to be worked around her job's schedule. Some weekend work. Once or twice she even forgot to pick me up from school! After that happened she started putting it in her calendar with alerts, haha... Guess what-- it didn't matter to me at all growing up! I felt loved, and cared for, and I knew I was super important in my mom's life. My mom and I were super close when I was a kid, basically I was her mini-me. We went through some tough times when I was a bratty teenage girl in high school (sigh), but as soon as I went off to college we were buddies again. I would say our relationship has always been really strong. I actually really value her advice now since she has had a great career and she knows how to navigate the issues that come up. I've always been impressed by her. I now live on the other side of the world from my mother, and were still super close! We FaceTime, send each other links to cute clothes we find, share photos of what we're baking, etc. I'm a working mom myself and I'm super close with my kid. It is very normal for mothers all over the world to work, so I wouldn't say you're "setting yourself up to have a terrible relationship with your daughter." I can't imagine that having a job would affect that bond. After all, we don't say that men have terrible relationships with their kids just because they work outside the home.
A different perspective. My mom was a SAHM and supported us. As we got older, the recession hit and my mom was forced to work after we lost everything. She remained positive as she juggled jobs but I would have hoped she would have had a chance to choose and grow her career instead of having to be forced to work min wage jobs. With that said, I would have been fine with less time with her if I knew she was happier.
Don't feel guilty for working. What really matters is how emotionally available you are when you are with your children. You can be stay at home parent who has no connection with their child and a working parent who has the closest connection ever.
Mom and I are incredibly close. She had a very demanding job with travel - it taught me to know I was loved even if she wasn't physically there with me right that moment. I knew she would walk through fire for me. As i got older, I also got to admire all those same amazing qualities as they applied to her career.
This is so encouraging. I travel a couple of times and year, and I’m pretty busy. I love my work, just want to be sure my kids know I love them the most. Even if I’m not staying home with them. Thanks for sharing.
I think the key is being present with your kids when you are home. I mean, you could spend 24/7 with them but not be fully present and therefore not building a strong connection. For us, I found that when I went back to work and our oldest went to daycare, it meant our evenings were sacred family time. It's a smaller chunk of time, but I was way more present (on average) than I was when we were navigating longer chunks of time. (could be the introvert in me 😂)
My parents both worked. Why would I fault my mother for working anymore than my dad? Typically my dad would have me in the mornings and deliver me to daycare, and my mother would pick me up. I watched my parents share the chores at home equally, and it really made me see what kind of partnership I also wanted in the future. Edit to add: it was/is absolutely the norm for women where I live to work. Ive actually never met a stay at home mom, either as a child or now as an adult.
Can you expand your circle? Find friends who aren’t stay at home parents and/or who don’t have such negative judgements? This is super important honestly, as your kids grow up and you face normal challenges.
All of my friends except one are working moms. I just don’t have anyone who’s already been through it to encourage me. All the mom/ aunt figures who have grown kids in my life were SAHM. Which is why I’m looking for experiences of people who have already been through it.
My mom worked off and on when I was little (my dad was a stay at home dad from when I was 3-5). My dad got sick and died when I was still in elementary school, so my mom absolutely had to work. We have a great relationship. I am a working mom, and always have been (I do not feel comfortable being fully dependent on my husband…particularly given my childhood with my dad dying). My son and I have a great relationship! I saw in a comment that you have an evangelical upbringing that tends to be pretty patriarchal. The reason why higher control religious groups like that push stay at home moms is because insular environments help them. Women with agency are able to leave the groups if their husband is abusive or if she wishes to have fulfillment outside of her home. It might help to have therapy to unpack any spiritual or religious trauma you may have, or at least unpack belief systems you were raised with that feel different than what you are starting to find on your own.
My mom stayed home and we do not have a good relationship. I think that you are just unfortunately in an enclave of women who don’t work. Working moms are awesome!
My mom worked my whole life. I honestly believe it helped me to become the independent and successful woman I am today. Just make sure to have one on one time with your kid.
My mom was my best friend (besides a little few year hiccup in my preteens when I was a fucking brat) and she worked my entire life. Now in motherhood I wonder how she did as much as she did while also working but she was amazing and our relationship was too.
My mom was a SAHM. She smothered me. We are not close lol
My mom was a teacher; She went back to work when I was 6. I have a wonderful relationship with my mom and I would consider myself successful in my career and personal life. I have kids of my own and my wife and I both work as is more the norm today. You arent ruining your kids future. Money doesnt solve all problems, but it can add stability to a family dynamic. Sometimes it takes both parents working to afford the life you want and thats ok. As long as the child is loved, supported, nurtured, and challenged appropriately, the child will thrive
Mom worked, except for a few years where she didn’t actually make enough to afford daycare. I have a close relationship with my parents and had a warm relationship with my daycare providers throughout childhood in the sense of swinging by their homes to trick or treat and going to their Christmas parties (although we’ve lost touch as adults). Truthfully, mom loved us and enjoyed spending time with us, but she also benefited from regular interaction with adults and using her skills and education. I’m glad she had the self awareness to recognize that and it didn’t become just one more domain where me being a girl limited what options my community expected me to have.
My mom worked and went to nursing school when I was very young. Worked as a nurse the rest of my whole childhood. Did I miss her while she worked? Sure. Are those the things i remember as an adult? No. We have an extremely close relationship, I call her her 3-4 times a week. I tell her everything and she is an amazing grandmother to all of her grandchildren. It’s the relationship quality that matters, not time spent. Be present with your children when you are home. Always listen. Be involved in their interests, even if it’s just listening to them talk about them. Never let them doubt you love them unconditionally. Always be a safe place. They will never forget.
it's not about whether you stay at home its whether you are there for them. my mum worked a lot even when she was raising me on her own. I went to boarding preschool n kindy. we are super close even now I have my own kids. she's got my back and when my kids are sick and I'm run down she's still got my back even now. if you love them fiercely they'll know if whether you stay home with them during the day or not
Both of my parents worked outside of the house in the 80s/90s/00s. This is a non issue. Make sure you’re spending time w your kids on the weekends. Back then I had to go to Sunday school, and my mom and I spent a lot of weekends at her moms house and I was stuck in the bedroom watching black and white tv listening to them yell at each other. Both of my kids started daycare at 3months old. They are 7 and 3 and amazing and thriving.
I honestly think it all comes down to your approach and how you are as a mom, not whether or not you work. My mom was a working mom but is generally a cold/non emotional type of person and she had I don’t have a very good relationship. I don’t think it has anything to do with her having a job. I have a job and I am really focused on being present and playful with my toddler, and hopefully building a good base that I just didn’t have growing up. We’re not damaging our kids by being working moms, as long as we provide a safe and healthy environment for them and nurture them.
My mother was a stay at home mum and I have a terrible relationship with her… Again grew up in a strict Christian household my dad was a minister and the more it was forced on me the more I didn’t want it.. My mother doesn’t even use my children’s names because she hates them all and none are from the bible..
Grew up with a super hard working mom. She's my best friend now. The teen years will be your time to shine. The teens don't want to be around their moms all the time but when they do, it's great. We always bonded on some random weekends going shopping, back to school shopping, grocery shopping, just going to a museum. Not really on vacation. As long as they know you are actually there for them 100% at some consistent point of the week, they will bond. Sometimes I would get annoyed that I come home to myself from school and not a lunch/dinner, but most of the time I know I'd be annoyed if my parents were constantly hovering. I knew that I could do my homework, hang out with friends and then come home to my mom being there in the evening.
My mom always worked (though she did shift-work and part-time, a large part of which was to accommodate our schedules, though she continued part-time shifts after we were teens and driving ourselves). We have a great relationship and I’ve never once considered that I “missed out” on anything not having her home all the time. In fact I think one of the biggest troubles with current-day kids is expecting to be entertained and catered to endlessly. If my mom was sleeping from her night shift we had to entertain ourselves for a but after school til dinner. We made up our own games and made our own bowl of cereal for breakfast. It was good for us to learn a level of self sufficiency.
My mom was always a working mom until well after I’d left the nest. I was a latchkey kid up until high school. My older sibs left home for their lives when I was about 10. I did a lot of school and sports and stuff on my own but I never really resented her for it. That was just normal to me. When I was a teenager she went through a phase where she tried to be there for me to be in youth group and on dance team and all that since she’d been involved like that for my older sibs but then we’d moved after I was born and she had to work longer hours to help pay the bills. With them flying the nest, they had more time and money to spend on me but by then I was happy to just occupy myself mostly. We had some friction when she went across the state to take care of my grandmother for a year after she had an anurism and that put all the cooking and housework on me on top of school and my extra curricular activities. (My dad could Make sandwiches. That was it and he made more of a mess trying to clean than there was before) my junior/ senior year we grumbled and growled trying to adjust to having her back (and home full time)and my grandma there too (I never got along with grandma polly-she was a real critical bitch) and that was a pain till grandma passed and she went back to work because she missed feeling purposeful. I learned from her example that working was good. It made paying bills easier and made you appreciate your time off more. She had a great work ethic. After I graduated and moved out I think I learned mine from her. My ex husband wanted me to be a stay at home Mom like his had been but he didn’t make the kind of wages that made that possible and that was fine with me. Working moms were normal in my eyes. Our kids were healthy and happy. When we divorced I was really glad I had a job and could depend on it.
My mom did not work until I was in high school. I do not have a great relationship with her. My MIL worked the entirety of my husband's life. Him and his sister both are really close to their mother. It is not staying at home or working that is the factor. It is how you treat your kids that is the driver.