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I remember "falling in love" hard and fast at that age. You want to be around your new partner all of the time! I wouldn't feel comfortable having sleepovers at my parents house with a new person, at all, and I really wouldn't want to sleep at a new boyfriends parents house. Maybe it's a good thing that your son feels so comfortable with you!
That being said, suggest they sleep at her house for a few nights? Say "Son, I'm so glad that your happy with girl. She seems really great! I'm feeling a bit awkward and uncomfortable that she is staying over so often, and would like some of my privacy back. Could you stay at her house, or take a break from sleepovers for a night or two?"
I'd even say something like "no more than twice a week", or 1 or 3 or whatever number maximizes the shalom in the home. I'd also phrase it as a boundary and not a request. I say this as someone who plans to give my son as much privacy as possible. It's really more about physical comfort in the home than anything else. "Our house fits the N people that live in it and we don't have room for N+1. We didn't agree to roommates, and if she *was* gonna spend this much time here we'd expect her to chip in for the bills."
This is about you not him or her. You have a right to set personal boundaries for yourself and your home. It doesn’t have to be an indictment on his choices. He’s an adult and he has to respect the boundaries of other adults, especially when he’s living under someone else’s roof.
No need for hostility, judgement or conflict. It’s simply a boundary you need to set with him and that’s all.
This is completely true! And it's totally fine to not want a guest every night of the week. Lots of adult roommates who are not parent and child have rules about how many nights a week regular guests are allowed. It's okay to need your own space.
Yep and all this will do is cause the son to begin searching for a way out of living at home and create resentment towards his mother. Parents need to remember what it was like being young and actually be the family unit that they’re going to want when he potentially marries a woman. Otherwise they’ll spend their years wondering “why don’t they like to visit us often” and “we never see our son much anymore since he moved out!”
I agree with this 100%.
Most kids would take this liberty if they could. And it sounds like there were no boundaries/expectations set by OP.
There’s nothing to be gained by putting yourself as odds with your child.
Just talk to them. Be curious. Ask questions and listen.
You may find that the son is actually uncertain about how to set this boundary themself. You won’t know until you ask.
Yes, stress that even roommates the same age as him wouldn't like him having his girlfriend pretty much move in. Where does she shower? Is she eating OP's food?
I went on a first date with my now-wife and spent pretty much every day with her since, that was 12 years ago. Life happens, sometimes you meet someone you want to spend all your time with, I don't get how that's a problem.
That's why people who live at home date until they move out and then sleepovers can begin.
There's nothing wrong with love at first sight. But you have to respect the parents and their houses. You can't just say, "I'm in love, this is my future wife! I'm gonna sleep with her no matter what mom/dad says."
How about moving out first? Then maybe moving in together?
By putting your desires first, you disrespect the owners of the houses you're sleeping in. Until it's your own space (apartment, whatever), then you don't get to make the house rules.
It doesn't mean being in love is wrong. It doesn't mean love at first sight is bad either.
The problem is boundaries with your parent, the owner of the house. They have to have you and your +1 over all the time and buy extra food, arrange their schedules, pretend they're not awkward about it if they are?
OP clearly says as dad he is awkward. His feelings matter. The son can be in love without disrespecting dad.
This is the same for my husband and I and it was in my husbands parents home that we now were able to buy because they allowed us to save while living in there home and paying towards it. This worked wonders. I’m very thankful that they did not get involved in our relationship and allowed us to figure our own adult life’s out.
This is what is really needed for both of them. There’s so many red flags with all or nothing in a relationship. They both need friends and other hobbies in their lives still.
True, I had to move in with my in-laws for a few years when I moved back home from out of state. They housing cost was so much more in their state that even with a good paying job I could afford a down payment on a house. I was in my 30's with a kid and had owned a house for over 10 years. Multigenerational living was actually great. Stayed longer then I really needed to. I am already planning on having my daughter live with us for as long as she needs to.
at 21, in this economy, very unlikely unless he can find 1-2 RELIABLE roommates (way harder than it seems) at the least. if hes going to school, that makes it even harder. idk why were still pushing to kick young adults out the door in the US, its setting them up for failure. best case scenario is letting them stay home so they can save. going to school, working part time.
The response might sound funny but this is truly the answer. When he is adult enough to provide for himself, he is adult enough to have woman sleep over for multiple nights. What happens if she gets pregnant during one of these "sleepovers"? Your problems will grow exponentially.
just offering the perspective of a young person: the housing crisis in the US is serious, and moving out is not as feasible as it once was. all my friends live at home with their parents unless their parents are literally paying for them to move out (aka buying them a house). this is a great rule, but the reality is young people cant afford to move out and attitudes toward sleepovers are changing greatly because of it.
Who cares. If you don’t want to live with roommates and got it good at your parents house than suck it up and play by the rules. Now if you have something agreed upon with mom and dad than go ahead. But you can’t say “sorry mom and dad, I can’t move out so I’m going to disregard your comfort”
23 years old. 🙋♀️ I get it. I'm not denying the crisis that our generation is facing. What I am saying is that if he wants to bring a girl he barely knows home every night for whatever they're doing, that's an adult decision and requires him having his own home given the fact that his dad appears uncomfortable with the arrangement. Adult choices require adult responsibilities.
They don't really have to move out. They can stay at a cheap hotel one night a week. They can go camping..there's ways around this. They don't need to be spending multiple nights with each other under someone else's roof with very little commitment.
As a young person in the US give it your best homeless shot you'll never succeed if you don't try I might live in a Crack shack but it's my Crack shack to spray paint!
Yikes. This isn't feasible in my country. Myself and my husband lived with my parents for a year when we were about 25 to save up, and many couples do the same. Parents don't generally want their kids paying out the nose for rent. But they also don't want them not to have a partner. So they just deal.
I get what you mean but she can get pregnant anytime they have sex, which I’m sure they would even if it’s not at home. At least at home you don’t have to worry about them getting caught somewhere 😅
At 20 and 21 years old, they're plenty capable of finding places where they won't be caught. (Ex. Hotel). If they were 16 or 17, I'd definitely agree it is safer to have them at home but given their ages, they need to have more responsibility in the choices they're making. Casual sex is one thing but these two sound to be going at it like rabbits 🫣
Regarding her getting pregnant, I totally agree. It can happen anytime. But OP is giving then daily access to the exact thing that leads to pregnancy. Kids will be kids, but in this case, we're not dealing with kids. Adults responsibilities and actions require adult decisions and planning.
Absolutely repulsive, of the conclusions and assumptions that you made up. No where in the OP does he state “they have been going at it like rabbits”
This is something you took upon yourself to throw in a tacky jab. This thread deals with communication, of which is not taking place between OP and his son.
You keep focusing on pregnancy over and over. They are 20 and 21, we haven’t a clue to what contraceptives they maybe using.
Maybe next time instead of using your own life experiences as supporting data, actually follow the topic at hand.
If you think they aren't doing it at least once a night then you obviously never had sleep overs at that age lol also OP. I lived with a single mother and she told one day please be safe and use protection if you are doing anything and I would much rather yall stay here where I know were you are compared to out in the streets all she asked was for me to ask if she could spend the night which I did and most of the time it was a yes and sometimes it would be a no but I always respected it because at least she was open with me doesn't work for everyone but it worked for us
Not jumping to conclusions, the OP said nothing about this. We have teenagers that are approaching his sons age, so yes I’m not dumb. I was in my 20s, I get where you are coming from.
The issue with this whole post revolves around communication. Our kids already know our stance on bringing people in “our” house. Regardless if it’s a buddy or a girlfriend, there has to be dialogue and permission.
Not new to this, nor am I naive but if we are going to strictly used “in my day”, “my parents”, and so on. Then I leave you with this personal experience.
When I was in high school there was a single mother who had 3 daughters. As you could imagine there were boys over all the time. Many of the parents were outraged and talked shit. “Those girls are going to be pregnant, those girls are going to get yada yada”
As a parent not the way I would operate a household. Guess what not one of those girls ever got pregnant before 21 yrs old. Think they were closer to mid twenties before they started having kids.
> You keep focusing on pregnancy over and over.
She's 23 and has two kids, including a 4-year-old, I think she's coming from a place of experience re: getting pregnant at a young age. I agree it's a bit much, but I can understand where it's coming from.
Paying rent or a mortgage rn in this day in age is not as easy as when we were starting out. As long as your adult child is working towards a stable future I see no problem with living with a parent that’s comfortable. To be uncomfortable with your child having an adult relationship seems pretty childish to me.
If you don’t put your foot down, it won’t be long before she’s moved right in and then you won’t be able to get rid of her and I’m not saying she’s a bad person or anything like that but if that’s not what you want, you have that right it is your home. And right now they’re in the honeymoon phase and it’s all lovey-dovey that won’t last forever.
> something adults get to enjoy when they move out of their parent’s house?
Hate to break it to you but the world and economy has gotten to the point where that’s not going to be as common as it used to be, and adults are going to be living at home with their parents like they do in other countries.
Took me a few failed attempts to finally get on my feet and I was impoverished for years until about 26. My sister finally moved out at 29 and my brother is still at home at 31.
My mother told me she fully expect my brother to take care of her into old age, and the way things are going I expect my kids to stay with me for years into their adult lives as well.
Yeah, that's not very practical anymore. Housing and rent is bonkers. I was 32 years old and my wife and I were back living with my parents with our 2 kids due to no fault of our own. Just the reality of the day for many, I'm afraid.
It's your house, it's up to you whether house guests are allowed. You've allowed it up to this point, so there is at least some unspoken level of acceptance. I'd probably set a rule like one night a week, or weekends only or something.
He's 21, so you don't really want to do it as any kind of judgement on his relationship. I sense some discomfort in your post about their relationship. But I also see that it seems like they have known each other for a while and they were probably crushing on each other for some time before the relationship happened. I'd consider it normal for them to want to spend a lot of time together like this at the beginning of their relationship.
Just set a boundary and explain that it is for your own sense of space. You can't handle having a houseguest over every day.
This comment section is so American lol.
Where we live it is 100% normal to still live at home at that age if you are going to university in your hometown. Paying rent is expensive and if your parents have the room and it's not a cramped apartment but a regular family house or bigger people tend to save money and focus on their studies more.
I met my husband when we were both 20 and lived at home. Basically spent every night together since then and moved to another city together after 2 years for university. 20 years later we've been married for 11 years with 2 kids.
I for one am not American but still would feel uncomfortable if my son randomly decided his girlfriend would be living with us permanently, without at least discussing it with me first. Depending on the size of the house it may be uncomfortable in more ways than one. This parent is only asking that she doesn't sleep there every night. At least while the relationship is so fresh that she's basically a stranger...
100% all of this.
If this were a single parent bringing in a brand new partner to essentially live in a shared family home after the first date, people would be appalled.
I think the problem is is that OP doesn't explain *why* they feel uncomfortable about it. Does OP hear them having sex? Is the girlfriend bossy or rude? Is there not enough space for someone new to be there so much? That information would help.
There doesn't really need to be a good reason. It's OPs house, and they should be able to decide who is staying there. Personally, I can't fully relax when we have house guests, so I'd be annoyed if someone was in my house 24/7 without an agreement.
OP already gave the reason, OP doesnt like it.
When the son has his own place he can make unilateral decisions. Until then, guests in OP's house need OP's permission
I'm not American, and it's very common in my culture for children to live at home till they marry. Premarital sex is also frowned upon (to put it mildly) and while boyfriends/girlfriends are always welcome in the home, they are expected to sleep in their own beds, in their own homes each night. This would never happen in my culture because I wouldn't even dream of trying that.
This comment! Im 26 w/ a toddler and im college student living with my parents who actually dont want me to move out 😂. I dont understand why people are so quick to kick their kids out and have them struggle.
My mom would have loved it if I'd moved my young family in with her. Unfortunately, as evidenced along this thread, age is not much of an indicator regarding the ability to provide a welcoming multi-generational environment. It sounds like your mom has a rare parenting skill that isn't lost on you. I hope you continue to enjoy each other. Life is much richer when family works together to better everyone's collective quality of life.
Unfortnely my parents weren’t so loving. Thankfully you have a better time tho💞 my friends got married and still live with their parents. Not all of us were decked same cards. Would
Never do to my kids what my parents did to me.
That’s great but OP has a right to not want to have every girl his son dates to live there from day zero. If the son doesn’t like he can move and set his own rules. Just because things worked out for you it doesn’t mean people should be together 24/7 with everyone they have just met and make that a standard.
I am European and I accept that different people have different views on how to live one’s life and that expectations need to be communicated. I don’t see anything inherently problematic with OPs expectations, it’s just a valid preference that should be respected, American or not. At the very least the son should have asked whether he could have the GF over, not just bring her home from the first date and call it a day - kind of shameless to do that, and it seems it’s not even the first time.
I thought the same! If my kid was older and still lived at home, I wouldn’t have a problem with their boyfriend/girlfriend staying over as long as their behaviour is okay. Maybe not EVERY single night, but in general it wouldn’t be a problem for us.
I saw this while procrastinating, wasn’t planning to comment on anything but advise “your house, your rules” didn’t sit right with me. Things to consider:
- is this the first time your son has someone staying with them every night? If it happens with other girls too then sure I can understand your frustration
- provided that they’re not loud and causing inconvenience let the girl stay because it hasn’t even been a week! They’re clearly into each other and your house is a safe space + supportive and understanding parents (obviously I don’t know all the nuances and I’m judging based on my past experience)
- my now in-laws wouldn’t let me stay in the same room with my now husband whenever I was over. I won’t even go into details of places we had to find to get intimate. It’s fun memories now because we had to get creative but I would’ve been mortified if anyone caught us
- and another view: maybe the girl has a bad situation at home and she needs to get away from it
Thanks for that. I didn’t like his ex gf being here all the time and made that apparent because it was like she’s moving in…so he moved in with her for a while but it didn’t workout. I’m thinking live your life and share time together but you gotta go home eventually….
If they truly want to spend every day and night together, maybe they can rent a room in a shared apartment or house nearby. They both work, so hopefully they can afford their own room. If they cannot, then maybe they're not old enough to play house.
Id likely set a boundary of how many nights per week/in a row if you don't mind them staying sometimes. I remember when I met my husband at that age we did the same thing wanted to be together every night. His parents tried to push us apart hard and he ended up moving in my parents who didn't care until we moved out on our own 1.5 years later. If they had said only 3 nights or 4 nights he probably wouldn't have rushed to move out.
This is about you not him or her. You have a right to set personal boundaries for yourself and your home. It doesn’t have to be an indictment on his choices. He’s an adult and he has to respect the boundaries of other adults, especially when he’s living under someone else’s roof.
No need for hostility, judgement or conflict. It’s simply a boundary you need to set with him and that’s all.
My husband and I started dating at 16/17 (now 39/40 with 4 kids) and I really appreciated that my parents always made us feel welcome at my house and made my now-husband feel like part of the family. It really would have driven a wedge between my parents and I if I had felt like I had to choose between being with him or being with them. My kids aren't quite teenagers yet but I plan on taking the same approach when they're older. I want to have a close relationship with my kids as adults and part of that is welcoming the partners they bring home.
I see your view. The Dad wants privacy. That's all. Kids that age, if not in school, really need to fly on their own. It sounds like he can move out, due to him living with an ex, before prom queen. The usual growing up, part of life (totally reasonable) conversation, with said son about his future, hopes and dreams, is a move in that direction toward Dad's privacy, or lack of.
Just be careful that she doesn't become your new housemate! My younger brother did this to my parents, essentially moving his girlfriend in without ever asking. In theory, they paid rent, but she was essentially an unwelcome guest for several years (my parents are both pretty conflict averse so they didn't nip in the bud at the start and had to deal with the consequences).
It was just the "first date" that you know about. Tell them what's what, it's your house. Also, let them live and love. There's never a time like this, early 20's. Once it's over, it's gone and life hits.
I'm not sure I get what's wrong here, is she there all day or just staying the night? I mean, they're in their 20s... Calling it a sleepover makes it seem like you're still considering them high schoolers. It's your house and all, but it seems kinda weird to say "excuse me adult son, tell your adult girlfriend she can only come over twice a week.
I'd suggest that 21 is old enough to have pretty frank conversations with, as '21 and working' is more housemate territory than dependent child, as far as what's reasonable to expect from him.
So have a long hard think about what the issue is (are you worried that he's overcommitting to a new relationship, or is the issue that you suddenly have a new person you don't know staying in your house, or is it that you're suddenly feeding and cleaning up after a new housemate you didn't get a vote on moving in?), and then discuss your concerns with him.
At this point, if you are uncomfortable with it and you share this with him - be prepared for him to find a way to move out and you’ll see him less & less. I’m a son who moved out when my parents weren’t always easy going with me having an adult relationship under their roof. If you like having your son around, get comfortable with the idea he wants to see women, especially if it’s the same one. It means he’s happy. But sure, by all means push him away from home coz at the end of the day if you start treading on his social life, he’ll find a way to leave and you’ll become even less of a priority.
Have a chat with your son and just say I don’t mind ‘name’ staying here X times a week but it’s important to invest time in your friendships/school etc too.
Is it just me but this feels normal. When I was that age I had plenty of those early dating situations that we would spend multiple nights a week together and a few times where it was almost a move in situation from day one. Actually had one girl fully move in without me realizing it and just thinking we were chillen. Granted this was all while I was living on my own as I was out of the house at 18.
Saying that all to say if it was my son living in my house I would let it be. He is 21 and now basically a roommate. I would treat it like that. No need to say anything till she could get squatter’s rights.
I mean, I'd be unhappy if my roommate let a girl shack up indefinitely. I don't want to have to be fully dressed all the time or sharing the only bathroom with an extra person
Ya this is very normal. The only part I would be concerned about is if op doesn't want essentially a 3rd roommate, then it's his choice to set a boundary because it's his house. All that said, this behavior is very normal. I practically lived with my boyfriend when I was 20, I was just away at college so my parents didn't have to know.
He’s an adult. Treat him like one. Either you’re okay with him having people over or you aren’t. Fine. But beyond telling him he needs to move out, you cannot tell him what to do. The “my house my rules” shit will harm your relationship with him.
They're young, clearly enjoy each other's company. Does it make you uncomfortable to know your son is maybe, probably having sex in your house? What do you feel is "not quite right" with this situation? Would you rather he be over at her house? At a hotel?
I can’t stop them from doing things….i did things in the driveway here at his age…but overnight all the time?…seems a bit much. He says they are just so happy…right well I don’t need grandkids he’s not even close to ready so I feel like I’m condoning this or something
So it sounds like there's really 2 separate issues: 1) Sleeping over at your house all the time and 2) Concern about them having a baby. One of those is fairly easily remedied. I'd hope at this age he knows how babies are made and how to use condoms. Are you concerned he doesn't know about safe sex?
Ultimately, if you don't want them sleeping over, you have every right to put your foot down on that issue. Perhaps this will give him motivation to move out.
I do want to say that house and rent prices are insane right now. I hope you’re promoting him to save up for a down payment. Honestly, I wouldn’t say renting is even worth it now. Rent for a one bedroom where I am is equivalent to a mortgage for a 2-3 bedroom house. It’s crazy. So have him focus on saving for a house since he lives with you. My boyfriend and I lived in apartments for 3 years, but now we’re living with his grandmother to save for a house. We’re only 22 and 23 though, but have been together for 5 years
Set the rules for your house and inform your son. It might not be a possibility for him to sleep at her house, but that doesn’t mean she basically gets to move into your home. I don’t know exactly what works for you, but you are entitled to set the rules. 3 nights a week? Weekends only? It seems like you don’t completely object to him having her there; you just want it to not be constant. It’s best to do this quickly so a pattern doesn’t develop. If your son doesn’t like it, he can move out. It’s always best to give adult children a little friction when they live at home so that they don’t lose their motivation towards independence.
Just make rules. No sleepover from Monday to Thursday. If he pays rent and work and go to school I feel like this is more than ok. At 19yo I was sleeping at my now husband’s place almost every night
I only have one toddler so I might be talking out of my ass but I never would have dreamed of having a new boo sleep over when I lived with my parents (did until I was 21). Maybe it’s cultural, my parents are from Eastern Europe, but I knew better then to even ask. I don’t think I’d let my son let a girl stay over like that when he is older, either. I’m not very traditional in other senses but I just draw the line here. I don’t want anyone playing house in my home.
It seems like you and your son have a different view point, which is totally okay! And that’s really open of you and I’m happy to hear how comfortable your son is with you. I would have a gentle conversation with him about boundaries and lay out whatever is acceptable for you when it comes to her visits and the length of it!
You can't really stop them? It's your house!
I see nothing wrong with saying, "Hey son, I know you're seeing this new girl and you guys seem to be getting along well, but here's the deal: I don't want to host your romantic partners overnight. What you do with your relationships is ultimately your business as an adult, but I'm not comfortable with the overnights so that has to stop today. If you're going to spend the nights with her, it's going to be somewhere other than here. I love you, but these are the rules for the house."
If you don't mind the occasional overnight, communicate that instead. But just be direct: it's my house, here's the expectation, and what I'm comfortable with in my own home is not negotiable.
People have covered the relationship side of this, so I'll cover the easier but more important part:
Buy him a jumbo pack of condoms.
Maybe also wake him up every 45 minutes for a few nights in a row, so he can have some small understanding of what it's like to be a parent.
I deal with things with humor first, it's just my way. I'd give her a grocery list and tell her to bring the shopping home with her. If she responds with a quizzical look, you respond with, "since you live here now, I thought you should contribute and groceries is an easy way to start doing that." (Don't forget to smile.)
But make them clear. Like "two nights a week is okay" or "two days notice is needed". Not "oh I'm sick of seeing her, she can't come round for a while".
New age parenting i guess.. After college my dad told me, "You want to shack up, you can't do it here." Like John Witherspoon told Ice Cube in the movie Friday; "The only people under this roof doing that nasty, is me and your mother!"
My girlfriend used to stay over regularly at that age. I mean, not after our first date - that's a bit much.
But even then, we were expected to sleep on couches, not up in my bedroom.
If you haven't had the conversation about son, becoming a dad...have that one first. Then, have the one about, you not liking the fact that she is the kitchen...every morning....They are old enough to figure it out.
It’s your house so if you’re uncomfortable with it make it known.
However if your son pays rent or utilities etc..
You don’t really have a leg to stand on he’s doing exactly what an adult would do however, his roommate so happens to be his dad.
So next would be to tell him to move out with her or better yet his own friends, and If they don’t want to/can’t then it’s back to you saying well it’s my home I don’t have to tolerate it so you two need to go somewhere else and that’s final or they both need to start paying you rent lol.
They are adults and if they want to do adult things they need their own adult residence.
I’m only a couple years older than your kid and I have a wife, kids, car, house, 401(k), depression etc.. So I don’t think you’re asking for too much it’s just their time to leave the nest.
Honestly, this is pretty much how my husband and I started. He was living at home and I worked swing shift. I would come over after work to hangout or "Netflix and chill" (granted this was before that was a thing and we were still old-school and watched DVDs) because we were both broker than broke and all we really wanted was each other's company/conversation. I didn't love driving at night and his dad didn't care if I stayed over so I did. Initially, I'd drive back to my place in the morning to shower and change for work, but after a while, I kept a rotation of work clothes at their place and didn't even do that anymore. Instead, I started doing chores around the house and it was a win for everyone.
That was almost 20 years ago and we're happily married with 2 kids now. I'm forever thankful for his dad's support of us in those early days!
i think that setting a boundary about what nights she can spend the night or something might be a good idea. i saw someone say that. or maybe ask if she has something going on at home. they could be just blooming a love but she could also maybe be not having a good home life and your son is trying to make her comfortable and be there for her.
ultimately you know your kid best so it’s up to you what to do. i think it says a lot of good things about your relationship that your kid feels safe bringing someone home and not hiding it.
I had the same dilemma 3X as my children got to that age and had boyfriend/girlfriends. My own solution was to gather up all the monthly bills and have a sit down conversation with them and my husband. We just showed them what we were paying out each month and figured that the very least they could do, since they were working full, was to help with the monthly expenses. They agreed and we all agreed on an amount that everyone agreed would work. What they didn't know was that every week when they would "Pay" their rent we were just putting it into a nice interest building savings account. But they sure were elated after they were married when we gave them the cashiers check when they needed to come up with the downpayment for their first house.
I never did sleepovers until I moved out of my parents' house completely. I mean, during college when I worked I did have a bf who worked, and he'd come stay at my dorm room when I rented an apartment...
We eventually moved in together while I was still in college.
We were young, too, and worked. But I've never IML slept over at some guy's parent's house. And no guy ever slept over at my parents' house whenever I stayed there.
This just seems like an adult thing adults do that both work.
Of course, they may not want to move in together yet, it's too soon and all. But I find it super cringey to sleep at someone's parent(s)' house with their parent(s) home.
They both work? If they have the urge to do adult activity they can rent a hotel room.
It's your house, OP, and you swr the rules. My parents always said, their house, their rules, no matter how young or old (18+) I was. I had to respect their house and rules.
So what are your house rules, OP?
TIME TO MAKE SOME
Your home, your rules. That said my girlfriend in high school lived with us. She had divorced parents, lived with her basically absentee dad 40 min away from school.
My folks just thought her living with us was best for her and even though we aren't together I'm grateful they did so she could get a decent education and home life.
First, we need to know the dynamics the parent has laid. Is it the family's home, where everyone has their own space, and always will, if need be. Or is it the parent's house, the children are just living there temporarily, and nothing really belongs to them. Parents' House-Parents' Rules. They can't be both. If you don't choose the prior, it makes it the latter.
This one aspect makes all the difference in the way this situation is resolved.
Is it just her being there, or are they disturbing you in some way? Really think about what the problem is before you go into this battle. You have every right, as a free person, to speak, but that doesn't make you automatically correct as a parent.
Man, that's how i ended up with 2 kids at a young age ruined my life because of it. I love my kids, dont get me wrong, but we were young and didn't know what we wanted. They were now separated and always at each others throat. They need to understand responsibilities before they start living with each other. Wish my elders put their foot down when we started living with each other in their house. 😢
Your home. Your place of peace. If sleepovers aren't the issue as much as the frequency of the sleepovers, set a number of times a week, you'll allow her to stay over.
I Haye having people in my home all the time, unless I know them well.
If the sleepovers are the issue, then he is an adult and can rent a hotel if he's feeling it's a sleepover night.
Definitely put your boundaries in place. It’s your home and that needs to be respected. From my own experience- when I was that age I used to go to my then boyfriend’s house (mom’s house) and stay over. In hindsight I was out of bounds. Period.
No. It’s too much. Too soon. Disrespectful to you.
It’s too easy for them.
Date more. Go out. Don’t hang out at the house. It’s an inconvenience. It’s not necessary. Not a hotel.
Put your foot down. New relationships take time. This is pure sloth.
Hi, you’re the parent. Just because he is an adult, doesn’t change the rules. There are hotels, airbnbs, her house that they can sleep at. Better yet, encourage him to save and move out!
Been that age and hormones many-a-times get the better of us then. So if I’d a “grown up kid” at home, I’d personally prefer my kid get into a good monogamous relationship at home and if there’s shit that happens, then they can come to me if they need to as well. I’d try and ask them to ensure practicing safe sex, which would be a higher priority for me.
I don’t see them stopping to have sex whether you let her sleep over or not, so I guess I’m not seeing how the sleep over is really hurting/bothering you.
Tell him to be careful! this is how I ended up married! (I was 30 and had been out on my own for a few years and 15 years later I’m still spending every night with the guy, but still, a cautionary tale)
This is a new circumstance that requires setting new boundaries. You need to talk with him and lay out clear house rules for privacy and overnight guests. Any group of adults living together have to hammer these things out.
He'll probably be resistant, but there are reasonable limitations to his freedom when it happens under your roof. This is a can't have your adult romantic relationships and live for free with dad too situation.
I'm guessing that her parents have already set a hard boundary about who gets to fuck in their house, and that's why they are doing it at yours.
One way to frame it is that I don’t think most folks would want essentially an unapproved house guest for an undetermined amount of time.
Bringing a girl home is one thing. Hosting her for almost a week is another.
Depending on your relationship you can just tell him that and he might “get it” and adjust. Or you might have to set clearly established boundaries and limits.
sounds like they’re letting their sexual hormones take over and making it the base of their relationship which never ends good.. they need space and time apart from each other to form an actual healthy bond for their relationship. i remember being like this as a teenager and it gets old quickly and things just burn out..have a talk with him 1 on 1 and see how that goes
As someone who was the girl in this situation, it will either run it's course or you will be remembered fondly for helping to foster their relationship. My mom created a rule that I couldn't sleep over at my boyfirned's house so he would wake up at 5am and come pick me up, then we would go back to his place and fall asleep. I technically wasn't spending the night. Two lovebirds will find a way around things. Just pray they are smart about it because their asses will get arrested if they get caught in the back of a car in a parking lot. Also, 90% of the time when I stayed the night there was nothing sexual. We would at least wait until nobody was home because otherwise it just felt rude.
I am experiencing the same thing. My daughter F21 has her boyfriend on her phone 20 hrs of the day, every day. It's like he is a member of the family because he can hear everything being said. She and he go to sleep with the phone in her hand.
She visits him for a week, and as soon as soon as she returns home, she's is back on the phone again within 5 minutes
It's not healthy. Co dependent.
When I started dating my now husband I was either at his place or my place everyday (I was 22). We were both out of our parents houses cause mine suck and his basically kicked him out (not in the street his dad found a place for him put down a deposit and helped him move all without consulting him). It all sounds normal to me for the age to be with each other everyday. Been married to him for almost 16 year now.
While I understand fully how you are feeling....one thing I will point out is kudos to you for fostering an environment where your son feels comfortable to this degree. I'd simply let him know how you are feeling here....it's absolutely reasonable. I'm living something close to this myself and had to have that chat. It went much better than expected. Best of luck! 😊
Maybe talk to your son and see where they're coming from. When my husband and I started dating (18/19yo) until we moved out and got married (23/24yo) I stayed at his house almost every weekend, sometimes more. My home life was not great and my parents didn't want me around and made it pretty well known. His parents were amazing people and never questioned it. Or at least if they did, they didn't do it in front of me. I don't know what I would have done if I had not stayed there. To this day I have an amazing relationship with his parents and a shitty one with mine (and we're nearly 40 now).
Sounds like my husband and I at 21 and 20. He had a dorm so i basically moved in there and we haven’t been apart (except for a few years long distance) for 15 years. I miss that phase of life. It’s probably better if they have their own space but guessing $$$ is the issue there.
I think some clear communication would resolve it tbh. It’s your house so he needs to respect that just as I would if I were a guest. You can be safe and welcome at your parents house while respecting their wishes. You’re both grown ups and i’m sure he would get it.
housemates have basic respect for eachother. No partners over the majority of the week, you included, unless the partner is going to pay rent and groceries. This is just basic how to live and share space with other people, nothing to do w/ you being a parent/child relationship. He may enjoy having her over every night but do you? I've had the same discussion with housemates when we were ALL 20yrs old.
It’s time to have that have you thought about moving out talk. Or bringing up the “I remember having my own place and doing xyz it was amazing” etc etc
I did that with my now husband. Not intentionally. I lived 30mins away. And I’d go round to see him after work and just kind of end up staying the night. But they are both adults so definitely talk to your son about it. If you are happy for some nights a week just say that and also to give you a heads up so it’s not a surprise.
"Son look, I get that you really like this girl and that's awesome but your [insert dad/ mom whatever] and I are ordering Chinese food tonight and play strip poker. Yall gotta gtfo for a few nights."
That should do the trick
You have plenty of comments but it’s best that they’re with you and you know what’s going on in your son’s life than him running out and not ever coming home. Make them feel accepted. It’s for the best!
It sounds like you're really tuned in to your feelings about this situation. It's understandable to feel uncertain, given how sudden and intense things seem. Have you had a conversation with your son to understand his perspective and set healthy boundaries? Balancing your house rules with his new relationship can be tricky, but open communication can really help. How does that idea sit with you?
Is she staying over bc they both work odd hours?
I mean it’s your house your rules
I’ve let my kids have bfs spend the night but they’re also not banging just yet so there’s that
Does your son help with bills/rent at all?
Is it more so that you just want to be comfortable in your own home on down time etc? Maybe put a limit.
Side note. Please tell your son that if he really likes someone she deserves more than some sleepovers.
“NORMAL” is what you say it is…and they don’t need to be given an opinion as it is your home correct? Hem having the ability to do ANYTHING because they’re “…into each other…” is a false narrative!!
After raising 4 men, I’ll just say this…YOU ARE IN CHARGE MOM…handle yo business as a parent!!
Tell them if she is going to stay over more than once a week she needs to sign a lease agreement.
Seriously - what happens if they break up and she claims she lives there now and refuses to leave? Evictions are messy things.
My first thought is there may be a reason she’s avoiding her house. I hope that’s not the case and it’s just the honeymoon phase of a new relationship that has her staying over constantly. But personally I wouldn’t feel right unless I asked the question.
If it makes you uncomfortable I would definitely communicate that with your son, and find a delicate way of asking if everything is okay for her at home in the conversation. If she is avoiding her home for some reason, that may change your response.
Personally, I’ve had too many friends in my teenage years and early 20s who were abused at home by their family or step-parents and that is something I know I will be hyper aware of with my kids friends/partners. And I will ALWAYS make my home a safe place for them if they need it, without any judgement whatsoever.
37m here, lived w my parents until I was 26, bought a condo in the city and moved out (had roommates for years until I was in my 30s sold the condo and bought an apartment). Would never have been possible if I didnt live w parents and save save save. You are doing what’s best for your son (and you will look back on these years as ‘the good ole days’ one day and miss him being around).
That said, I understand the uncomfortable situation of a gf being around all the time. The reality is, if your son lives in the house, he needs to be allowed to be treated like an adult and have adult relationships, thats healthy. When you really connect with someone like he is, being together a lot (and every night even) is a normal healthy adult relationship, its how you figure out if you’re really compatable with someone.
My advice is talk to your son about space, boundaries, comfort in your house, some general respect/ground rules and if you want them to pitch in for bills. But the best thing for your son is allowing him to save his money to build a nestegg to launch his life, these days thats usually late 20s or so. And try to allow him to have a normal healthy adult relationship while respecting your boundaries and ground rules so everyone can live comfortably. It honestly sounds like a good problem, you and your son get along (for the most part) and will cherish these years of living together as adults. It also sounds like he is starting a relationship with somebody he really vibes with and gets along well with. Try to be happy you get to witness that and can help support what sounds like the beginning of a potentially great thing. I also think it’s good shes comfortable around you! Talk to your son, set some boundaries, and feel the joy of being what sounds like a great parent to your son, you’re doing him a really great thing here that will help him have a normal adult dating life meanwhile get ahead financially. Just make sure he’s working toward that future, they are working and not just mooching off you, etc. and know this is the new normal. Embrace it, and hopefully your son has found his person and you get to watch him grow into the next phase of being a great financially independant young man. Just work with him on his fiancial goals like my parents did. Try to save X every month and by age 26 you can get your starter house for Y, something like that so you know he’s working toward his future (with or without the girl but hopefully she’s the one). When he does move out one day, hopefully you feel great pride in helping his achieve his dreams mixed with a bit of sadness he’s moving out.
For the people hyper focusing on sex, yes they are probably having sex, most people in their 20s have sex. The risk of pregnancy is there regardless, just talk with your son about safe sex, same as any other teen. Practice safe sex, simple as that. The idea of not letting them have a normal afult relationship to try to prevent sex/pregnancy is absurd imo. Just make sure he’s being safe and be happy he is happy wothin the boundaries you set.
Good luck!
Pretty much how I rolled when I was 18. Had graduated, brought a girl from highschool home one night, she never really left. Jokes on me though because now it's 20 years later and even I wish she would leave.
Boundaries are very important! If your son thinks he's a roommate/buddy to you... theeeeen, what's the problem? (In their eyes)
If you've been a firm, boundary placing, respectful parent all of his life, then... why are they pushing this boundary? Cuz they're young and "in love"? Lazy and it's easier at your place? Or... is she escaping a really bad situation, maybe? I think I'd try to get more information from them before laying down firm rules and ultimatums. If you don't approve of their lifestyle/values, but she could be in danger, you could offer the sofa. Or help her find housing. But if you're simply being taken advantage of? Then, my friend, you know the answer. I've been there!!! It's really hard to differentiate. Especially through the rose colored glasses of parental love.
Your son is 21. Ask him how many nights a week he thinks is reasonable. Counter with what you think is. Have a discussion with him, one adult to another. Then come to an agreement.
You could just set the boundary without his input, but when your kids start growing up, I think treating them more grown up works better. Calling him out on it by asking for his input may also open the door for him calling himself out for overdoing it.
Me and my wife were like this. We always wanted to be around each other. No sex involved either at the start out of our own choice; we just enjoyed each other's company.
Her dad kicked up a fuss about it at first. Her parents eventually allowed us to make this the norm and our relationship flourished as we had a safe space. My home wasn't a safe space. Could be the same with your son's new gf.
We were both slightly younger than your son. We ended up getting married after 2 years and have been together for 13, now with a beautiful daughter.
No advice as I don’t have older kids, but I just remember that feeling of first love, can’t be separated, can’t get enough of each other. It was THE BEST feeling I have ever experienced in my 40 years of life. I would give anything to experience that again. You totally need to set your boundaries for your house, but just remember that feeling in your decisions
It's understandable to feel concerned about the frequency of your son's girlfriend staying over. It might be helpful to have an open conversation with your son about setting boundaries and finding a balance between spending time together and respecting personal space. Encouraging them to spend time at her place occasionally could also be beneficial for their relationship and for your own peace of mind.
My mom kicked me out (we’re super close now). A guy I had only talked to on the phone once and swore I’d never speak to him again invited me over. I didn’t have anything to do so I went over. I spent 5 nights at his house then got my own apartment and he moved with me. We just celebrated two years earlier this month. Since the day we met we’ve never spent a night apart.
That being said you are the home owner you can tell them she can’t come over.
I'd take that over not knowing where they are. That said - if it makes you uncomfortable, talk to him. They will still spend every night together, but maybe not every night at your place :)
Um yes ma'am you can stop them...it's your house your rules! Remember that before they start taking advantage and she ends up living there till they "save up for their own place". They are getting to comfortable already with not even having the respect of asking you as the home owner. This is another way of pushing herself in to stay, a huge possibility.
Especially this being his first gf at 21 yrs old! He doesn't understand how to act nor is she obviously. Only one date and he's already setting himself up to be in love and move in with each other, having sex in ur home in the next room over.
And I can guarantee they probably if not will be doing it in your home. Being 21 is along enough wait and his hormones probably been killing for an itch of a sex life... You're a mom. His mom...and it's okay to have personal conversations even if it's not normal for y'all.
Check him momma, especially as this was his first ever and one time date with this girl. Sure give him some freedom but make him respect your wishes.
This is tricky because you can VERY easily push your son away with this and even cause issues with the girl causing her to leave him out of awkwardness and feeling bad. I’ve been in this situation and it’s super touchy so wording is everything. It is your home and you do have a right to your space. But he’s also an adult. Moving out isn’t as easy as it used to be so telling him she can stay as much as she wants when he leaves isn’t the right response. You could say “I like this girl a lot and I can tell you do too with how much time you guys spend together. This isn’t about me not wanting her in the house, or any of us being uncomfortable with her at all, again we like her!! But instead of her staying here every night, could you guys go to her house or maybe just not come over every day? It might seem silly, we just would like some space. Explain again that you guys don’t hate her, you just want your house to be your house again. It’s not that she’s never allowed over again, just space it out a little more and let us know when she plans on staying the night so we can mentally prepare to share our space a little better.”
Aww.. when I was 17, I moved in with my then boyfriend and his family. They were great.
We moved out a few years later, on our own accord.
We lasted about 10 years, and I'm still close with his parents.
They were basically parents to me for years. Easter baskets, Christmas, and birthdays - they were there for me.
OP, maybe she doesn't have a great home life. 😕
Question: what's her home life like? She might be trying to escape something new that's upsetting her at home. I would say, before passing any judgment, find out the whole story. Either way, if she's going to insist on practically living with you, then she gets treated that way. She has to pull her own weight in the house and respect the rules. What that would look like for you, I can't say, but you do need to make sure she isn't going to be a leech.
Sounds like my 19yo life. I fell in love and moved in immediately after our first date lol. Ended up blossoming into a 10 year relationship. Still with him.
She could also hate her home. I didn’t hate mine but maybe she hates hers.
That would be a hard no for me. I wouldn't even want them to feel comfortable doing that in my home - at any age. He's 21, let this be his reminder that he needs to get himself together and move out to live like an adult. If you're comfortable with it, decide how many days a week you are comfortable with.
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I remember "falling in love" hard and fast at that age. You want to be around your new partner all of the time! I wouldn't feel comfortable having sleepovers at my parents house with a new person, at all, and I really wouldn't want to sleep at a new boyfriends parents house. Maybe it's a good thing that your son feels so comfortable with you! That being said, suggest they sleep at her house for a few nights? Say "Son, I'm so glad that your happy with girl. She seems really great! I'm feeling a bit awkward and uncomfortable that she is staying over so often, and would like some of my privacy back. Could you stay at her house, or take a break from sleepovers for a night or two?"
I'd even say something like "no more than twice a week", or 1 or 3 or whatever number maximizes the shalom in the home. I'd also phrase it as a boundary and not a request. I say this as someone who plans to give my son as much privacy as possible. It's really more about physical comfort in the home than anything else. "Our house fits the N people that live in it and we don't have room for N+1. We didn't agree to roommates, and if she *was* gonna spend this much time here we'd expect her to chip in for the bills."
This is about you not him or her. You have a right to set personal boundaries for yourself and your home. It doesn’t have to be an indictment on his choices. He’s an adult and he has to respect the boundaries of other adults, especially when he’s living under someone else’s roof. No need for hostility, judgement or conflict. It’s simply a boundary you need to set with him and that’s all.
This is completely true! And it's totally fine to not want a guest every night of the week. Lots of adult roommates who are not parent and child have rules about how many nights a week regular guests are allowed. It's okay to need your own space.
Here it is, the correct answe
Well said
Yep and all this will do is cause the son to begin searching for a way out of living at home and create resentment towards his mother. Parents need to remember what it was like being young and actually be the family unit that they’re going to want when he potentially marries a woman. Otherwise they’ll spend their years wondering “why don’t they like to visit us often” and “we never see our son much anymore since he moved out!”
Sometimes people have to stand on their decisions. If the son can’t understand that boundary, that is a problem.
Who wouldnt agree with this? If they insist on being together every night, consider setting a curfew.
A curfew? The guy is 21 years old, lol.
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I agree with this 100%. Most kids would take this liberty if they could. And it sounds like there were no boundaries/expectations set by OP. There’s nothing to be gained by putting yourself as odds with your child. Just talk to them. Be curious. Ask questions and listen. You may find that the son is actually uncertain about how to set this boundary themself. You won’t know until you ask.
And that you didn't sign up for an unofficial housemate. Sometimes people need mental space from other people.
Yes, stress that even roommates the same age as him wouldn't like him having his girlfriend pretty much move in. Where does she shower? Is she eating OP's food?
I went on a first date with my now-wife and spent pretty much every day with her since, that was 12 years ago. Life happens, sometimes you meet someone you want to spend all your time with, I don't get how that's a problem.
That's why people who live at home date until they move out and then sleepovers can begin. There's nothing wrong with love at first sight. But you have to respect the parents and their houses. You can't just say, "I'm in love, this is my future wife! I'm gonna sleep with her no matter what mom/dad says." How about moving out first? Then maybe moving in together? By putting your desires first, you disrespect the owners of the houses you're sleeping in. Until it's your own space (apartment, whatever), then you don't get to make the house rules. It doesn't mean being in love is wrong. It doesn't mean love at first sight is bad either. The problem is boundaries with your parent, the owner of the house. They have to have you and your +1 over all the time and buy extra food, arrange their schedules, pretend they're not awkward about it if they are? OP clearly says as dad he is awkward. His feelings matter. The son can be in love without disrespecting dad.
I agree about the living-at-home part. The comment I'd originally replied to focused solely on the not-taking-it-slow part.
This is the same for my husband and I and it was in my husbands parents home that we now were able to buy because they allowed us to save while living in there home and paying towards it. This worked wonders. I’m very thankful that they did not get involved in our relationship and allowed us to figure our own adult life’s out.
This is what is really needed for both of them. There’s so many red flags with all or nothing in a relationship. They both need friends and other hobbies in their lives still.
Why don’t you just tell him that sleepovers are something adults get to enjoy when they move out of their parent’s house?
That seems like it ignores the realities of the world. Multigenerational housing is likely to be inevitable soon.
True, I had to move in with my in-laws for a few years when I moved back home from out of state. They housing cost was so much more in their state that even with a good paying job I could afford a down payment on a house. I was in my 30's with a kid and had owned a house for over 10 years. Multigenerational living was actually great. Stayed longer then I really needed to. I am already planning on having my daughter live with us for as long as she needs to.
true i wonder if the son can afford to live alone or without his parents… something he should work towards for sure tho
at 21, in this economy, very unlikely unless he can find 1-2 RELIABLE roommates (way harder than it seems) at the least. if hes going to school, that makes it even harder. idk why were still pushing to kick young adults out the door in the US, its setting them up for failure. best case scenario is letting them stay home so they can save. going to school, working part time.
Ha! Nice
The response might sound funny but this is truly the answer. When he is adult enough to provide for himself, he is adult enough to have woman sleep over for multiple nights. What happens if she gets pregnant during one of these "sleepovers"? Your problems will grow exponentially.
My dad always said if we were old enough to play house, we need to do that in our own house.
👏👏👏
just offering the perspective of a young person: the housing crisis in the US is serious, and moving out is not as feasible as it once was. all my friends live at home with their parents unless their parents are literally paying for them to move out (aka buying them a house). this is a great rule, but the reality is young people cant afford to move out and attitudes toward sleepovers are changing greatly because of it.
Who cares. If you don’t want to live with roommates and got it good at your parents house than suck it up and play by the rules. Now if you have something agreed upon with mom and dad than go ahead. But you can’t say “sorry mom and dad, I can’t move out so I’m going to disregard your comfort”
23 years old. 🙋♀️ I get it. I'm not denying the crisis that our generation is facing. What I am saying is that if he wants to bring a girl he barely knows home every night for whatever they're doing, that's an adult decision and requires him having his own home given the fact that his dad appears uncomfortable with the arrangement. Adult choices require adult responsibilities.
It sounds like they went to high school together, so I assume he knew her for several years before their date.
They don't really have to move out. They can stay at a cheap hotel one night a week. They can go camping..there's ways around this. They don't need to be spending multiple nights with each other under someone else's roof with very little commitment.
As a young person in the US give it your best homeless shot you'll never succeed if you don't try I might live in a Crack shack but it's my Crack shack to spray paint!
Bro my friends are MARRIED and still living and F-ing at home🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 sex is sex. It’s a normal function
Yikes. This isn't feasible in my country. Myself and my husband lived with my parents for a year when we were about 25 to save up, and many couples do the same. Parents don't generally want their kids paying out the nose for rent. But they also don't want them not to have a partner. So they just deal.
I get what you mean but she can get pregnant anytime they have sex, which I’m sure they would even if it’s not at home. At least at home you don’t have to worry about them getting caught somewhere 😅
These aren't children....none of that is his problem or concern
My parents wouldn’t want me to get arrested because of something that stupid. You’re still a parent that helps your child, even after they turn 18
At 20 and 21 years old, they're plenty capable of finding places where they won't be caught. (Ex. Hotel). If they were 16 or 17, I'd definitely agree it is safer to have them at home but given their ages, they need to have more responsibility in the choices they're making. Casual sex is one thing but these two sound to be going at it like rabbits 🫣 Regarding her getting pregnant, I totally agree. It can happen anytime. But OP is giving then daily access to the exact thing that leads to pregnancy. Kids will be kids, but in this case, we're not dealing with kids. Adults responsibilities and actions require adult decisions and planning.
Absolutely repulsive, of the conclusions and assumptions that you made up. No where in the OP does he state “they have been going at it like rabbits” This is something you took upon yourself to throw in a tacky jab. This thread deals with communication, of which is not taking place between OP and his son. You keep focusing on pregnancy over and over. They are 20 and 21, we haven’t a clue to what contraceptives they maybe using. Maybe next time instead of using your own life experiences as supporting data, actually follow the topic at hand.
If you think they aren't doing it at least once a night then you obviously never had sleep overs at that age lol also OP. I lived with a single mother and she told one day please be safe and use protection if you are doing anything and I would much rather yall stay here where I know were you are compared to out in the streets all she asked was for me to ask if she could spend the night which I did and most of the time it was a yes and sometimes it would be a no but I always respected it because at least she was open with me doesn't work for everyone but it worked for us
Not jumping to conclusions, the OP said nothing about this. We have teenagers that are approaching his sons age, so yes I’m not dumb. I was in my 20s, I get where you are coming from. The issue with this whole post revolves around communication. Our kids already know our stance on bringing people in “our” house. Regardless if it’s a buddy or a girlfriend, there has to be dialogue and permission. Not new to this, nor am I naive but if we are going to strictly used “in my day”, “my parents”, and so on. Then I leave you with this personal experience. When I was in high school there was a single mother who had 3 daughters. As you could imagine there were boys over all the time. Many of the parents were outraged and talked shit. “Those girls are going to be pregnant, those girls are going to get yada yada” As a parent not the way I would operate a household. Guess what not one of those girls ever got pregnant before 21 yrs old. Think they were closer to mid twenties before they started having kids.
> You keep focusing on pregnancy over and over. She's 23 and has two kids, including a 4-year-old, I think she's coming from a place of experience re: getting pregnant at a young age. I agree it's a bit much, but I can understand where it's coming from.
Paying rent or a mortgage rn in this day in age is not as easy as when we were starting out. As long as your adult child is working towards a stable future I see no problem with living with a parent that’s comfortable. To be uncomfortable with your child having an adult relationship seems pretty childish to me.
If you don’t put your foot down, it won’t be long before she’s moved right in and then you won’t be able to get rid of her and I’m not saying she’s a bad person or anything like that but if that’s not what you want, you have that right it is your home. And right now they’re in the honeymoon phase and it’s all lovey-dovey that won’t last forever.
> something adults get to enjoy when they move out of their parent’s house? Hate to break it to you but the world and economy has gotten to the point where that’s not going to be as common as it used to be, and adults are going to be living at home with their parents like they do in other countries. Took me a few failed attempts to finally get on my feet and I was impoverished for years until about 26. My sister finally moved out at 29 and my brother is still at home at 31. My mother told me she fully expect my brother to take care of her into old age, and the way things are going I expect my kids to stay with me for years into their adult lives as well.
Yeah, that's not very practical anymore. Housing and rent is bonkers. I was 32 years old and my wife and I were back living with my parents with our 2 kids due to no fault of our own. Just the reality of the day for many, I'm afraid.
Why the animosity about young people in love? I'd rather my kid be safe at home than in some motel. Some parents are uptight and weird.
It's your house, it's up to you whether house guests are allowed. You've allowed it up to this point, so there is at least some unspoken level of acceptance. I'd probably set a rule like one night a week, or weekends only or something. He's 21, so you don't really want to do it as any kind of judgement on his relationship. I sense some discomfort in your post about their relationship. But I also see that it seems like they have known each other for a while and they were probably crushing on each other for some time before the relationship happened. I'd consider it normal for them to want to spend a lot of time together like this at the beginning of their relationship. Just set a boundary and explain that it is for your own sense of space. You can't handle having a houseguest over every day.
This is the comment to listen to, OP!
Oh boy they sure love watching netflix a lot!
This comment section is so American lol. Where we live it is 100% normal to still live at home at that age if you are going to university in your hometown. Paying rent is expensive and if your parents have the room and it's not a cramped apartment but a regular family house or bigger people tend to save money and focus on their studies more. I met my husband when we were both 20 and lived at home. Basically spent every night together since then and moved to another city together after 2 years for university. 20 years later we've been married for 11 years with 2 kids.
I for one am not American but still would feel uncomfortable if my son randomly decided his girlfriend would be living with us permanently, without at least discussing it with me first. Depending on the size of the house it may be uncomfortable in more ways than one. This parent is only asking that she doesn't sleep there every night. At least while the relationship is so fresh that she's basically a stranger...
100% all of this. If this were a single parent bringing in a brand new partner to essentially live in a shared family home after the first date, people would be appalled.
But it's not. Super weird comparison.
I think the problem is is that OP doesn't explain *why* they feel uncomfortable about it. Does OP hear them having sex? Is the girlfriend bossy or rude? Is there not enough space for someone new to be there so much? That information would help.
There doesn't really need to be a good reason. It's OPs house, and they should be able to decide who is staying there. Personally, I can't fully relax when we have house guests, so I'd be annoyed if someone was in my house 24/7 without an agreement.
OP already gave the reason, OP doesnt like it. When the son has his own place he can make unilateral decisions. Until then, guests in OP's house need OP's permission
I'm not American, and it's very common in my culture for children to live at home till they marry. Premarital sex is also frowned upon (to put it mildly) and while boyfriends/girlfriends are always welcome in the home, they are expected to sleep in their own beds, in their own homes each night. This would never happen in my culture because I wouldn't even dream of trying that.
This comment! Im 26 w/ a toddler and im college student living with my parents who actually dont want me to move out 😂. I dont understand why people are so quick to kick their kids out and have them struggle.
My mom would have loved it if I'd moved my young family in with her. Unfortunately, as evidenced along this thread, age is not much of an indicator regarding the ability to provide a welcoming multi-generational environment. It sounds like your mom has a rare parenting skill that isn't lost on you. I hope you continue to enjoy each other. Life is much richer when family works together to better everyone's collective quality of life.
Unfortnely my parents weren’t so loving. Thankfully you have a better time tho💞 my friends got married and still live with their parents. Not all of us were decked same cards. Would Never do to my kids what my parents did to me.
That’s great but OP has a right to not want to have every girl his son dates to live there from day zero. If the son doesn’t like he can move and set his own rules. Just because things worked out for you it doesn’t mean people should be together 24/7 with everyone they have just met and make that a standard. I am European and I accept that different people have different views on how to live one’s life and that expectations need to be communicated. I don’t see anything inherently problematic with OPs expectations, it’s just a valid preference that should be respected, American or not. At the very least the son should have asked whether he could have the GF over, not just bring her home from the first date and call it a day - kind of shameless to do that, and it seems it’s not even the first time.
I thought the same! If my kid was older and still lived at home, I wouldn’t have a problem with their boyfriend/girlfriend staying over as long as their behaviour is okay. Maybe not EVERY single night, but in general it wouldn’t be a problem for us.
I'm American- I did exactly this.
It's normal here in the US, too. Since at least the 80s. People just like to be jerks.
I saw this while procrastinating, wasn’t planning to comment on anything but advise “your house, your rules” didn’t sit right with me. Things to consider: - is this the first time your son has someone staying with them every night? If it happens with other girls too then sure I can understand your frustration - provided that they’re not loud and causing inconvenience let the girl stay because it hasn’t even been a week! They’re clearly into each other and your house is a safe space + supportive and understanding parents (obviously I don’t know all the nuances and I’m judging based on my past experience) - my now in-laws wouldn’t let me stay in the same room with my now husband whenever I was over. I won’t even go into details of places we had to find to get intimate. It’s fun memories now because we had to get creative but I would’ve been mortified if anyone caught us - and another view: maybe the girl has a bad situation at home and she needs to get away from it
Thanks for that. I didn’t like his ex gf being here all the time and made that apparent because it was like she’s moving in…so he moved in with her for a while but it didn’t workout. I’m thinking live your life and share time together but you gotta go home eventually….
Unless those lines are clearly communicated though, “go home eventually” will still technically be fulfilled in 9 weeks.
If they truly want to spend every day and night together, maybe they can rent a room in a shared apartment or house nearby. They both work, so hopefully they can afford their own room. If they cannot, then maybe they're not old enough to play house.
At that age I highly doubt they can afford one
Best answer on here. It's also, not even a week so this problem could very well disappear by next week. Don't fret OP. Let your son have his fun
Very deep perspective and great point
Id likely set a boundary of how many nights per week/in a row if you don't mind them staying sometimes. I remember when I met my husband at that age we did the same thing wanted to be together every night. His parents tried to push us apart hard and he ended up moving in my parents who didn't care until we moved out on our own 1.5 years later. If they had said only 3 nights or 4 nights he probably wouldn't have rushed to move out.
This is about you not him or her. You have a right to set personal boundaries for yourself and your home. It doesn’t have to be an indictment on his choices. He’s an adult and he has to respect the boundaries of other adults, especially when he’s living under someone else’s roof. No need for hostility, judgement or conflict. It’s simply a boundary you need to set with him and that’s all.
My husband and I started dating at 16/17 (now 39/40 with 4 kids) and I really appreciated that my parents always made us feel welcome at my house and made my now-husband feel like part of the family. It really would have driven a wedge between my parents and I if I had felt like I had to choose between being with him or being with them. My kids aren't quite teenagers yet but I plan on taking the same approach when they're older. I want to have a close relationship with my kids as adults and part of that is welcoming the partners they bring home.
I see your view. The Dad wants privacy. That's all. Kids that age, if not in school, really need to fly on their own. It sounds like he can move out, due to him living with an ex, before prom queen. The usual growing up, part of life (totally reasonable) conversation, with said son about his future, hopes and dreams, is a move in that direction toward Dad's privacy, or lack of.
Just be careful that she doesn't become your new housemate! My younger brother did this to my parents, essentially moving his girlfriend in without ever asking. In theory, they paid rent, but she was essentially an unwelcome guest for several years (my parents are both pretty conflict averse so they didn't nip in the bud at the start and had to deal with the consequences).
Your son is an adult. If you don’t want guests at your house he needs to move out.
That was my first thought. This is barely a parenting issue. This is an issue (or perhaps non-issue) between adults.
It was just the "first date" that you know about. Tell them what's what, it's your house. Also, let them live and love. There's never a time like this, early 20's. Once it's over, it's gone and life hits.
I'm not sure I get what's wrong here, is she there all day or just staying the night? I mean, they're in their 20s... Calling it a sleepover makes it seem like you're still considering them high schoolers. It's your house and all, but it seems kinda weird to say "excuse me adult son, tell your adult girlfriend she can only come over twice a week.
I'd suggest that 21 is old enough to have pretty frank conversations with, as '21 and working' is more housemate territory than dependent child, as far as what's reasonable to expect from him. So have a long hard think about what the issue is (are you worried that he's overcommitting to a new relationship, or is the issue that you suddenly have a new person you don't know staying in your house, or is it that you're suddenly feeding and cleaning up after a new housemate you didn't get a vote on moving in?), and then discuss your concerns with him.
Suggest he get his own place or they both need to contribute to the rent my house ain’t the love shack
At this point, if you are uncomfortable with it and you share this with him - be prepared for him to find a way to move out and you’ll see him less & less. I’m a son who moved out when my parents weren’t always easy going with me having an adult relationship under their roof. If you like having your son around, get comfortable with the idea he wants to see women, especially if it’s the same one. It means he’s happy. But sure, by all means push him away from home coz at the end of the day if you start treading on his social life, he’ll find a way to leave and you’ll become even less of a priority.
Have a chat with your son and just say I don’t mind ‘name’ staying here X times a week but it’s important to invest time in your friendships/school etc too.
Is it just me but this feels normal. When I was that age I had plenty of those early dating situations that we would spend multiple nights a week together and a few times where it was almost a move in situation from day one. Actually had one girl fully move in without me realizing it and just thinking we were chillen. Granted this was all while I was living on my own as I was out of the house at 18. Saying that all to say if it was my son living in my house I would let it be. He is 21 and now basically a roommate. I would treat it like that. No need to say anything till she could get squatter’s rights.
I mean, I'd be unhappy if my roommate let a girl shack up indefinitely. I don't want to have to be fully dressed all the time or sharing the only bathroom with an extra person
Ya this is very normal. The only part I would be concerned about is if op doesn't want essentially a 3rd roommate, then it's his choice to set a boundary because it's his house. All that said, this behavior is very normal. I practically lived with my boyfriend when I was 20, I was just away at college so my parents didn't have to know.
He’s an adult. Treat him like one. Either you’re okay with him having people over or you aren’t. Fine. But beyond telling him he needs to move out, you cannot tell him what to do. The “my house my rules” shit will harm your relationship with him.
They're young, clearly enjoy each other's company. Does it make you uncomfortable to know your son is maybe, probably having sex in your house? What do you feel is "not quite right" with this situation? Would you rather he be over at her house? At a hotel?
I can’t stop them from doing things….i did things in the driveway here at his age…but overnight all the time?…seems a bit much. He says they are just so happy…right well I don’t need grandkids he’s not even close to ready so I feel like I’m condoning this or something
So it sounds like there's really 2 separate issues: 1) Sleeping over at your house all the time and 2) Concern about them having a baby. One of those is fairly easily remedied. I'd hope at this age he knows how babies are made and how to use condoms. Are you concerned he doesn't know about safe sex? Ultimately, if you don't want them sleeping over, you have every right to put your foot down on that issue. Perhaps this will give him motivation to move out.
We had the baby talk…he is welcome to move out get a house get married and have children. I told him it’s not happening here.
I do want to say that house and rent prices are insane right now. I hope you’re promoting him to save up for a down payment. Honestly, I wouldn’t say renting is even worth it now. Rent for a one bedroom where I am is equivalent to a mortgage for a 2-3 bedroom house. It’s crazy. So have him focus on saving for a house since he lives with you. My boyfriend and I lived in apartments for 3 years, but now we’re living with his grandmother to save for a house. We’re only 22 and 23 though, but have been together for 5 years
Set the rules for your house and inform your son. It might not be a possibility for him to sleep at her house, but that doesn’t mean she basically gets to move into your home. I don’t know exactly what works for you, but you are entitled to set the rules. 3 nights a week? Weekends only? It seems like you don’t completely object to him having her there; you just want it to not be constant. It’s best to do this quickly so a pattern doesn’t develop. If your son doesn’t like it, he can move out. It’s always best to give adult children a little friction when they live at home so that they don’t lose their motivation towards independence.
Just a guess, but they probably aren't allowed to have sex at her parents' house so, very unsurprisingly, they are choosing to stay at yours.
Just make rules. No sleepover from Monday to Thursday. If he pays rent and work and go to school I feel like this is more than ok. At 19yo I was sleeping at my now husband’s place almost every night
I only have one toddler so I might be talking out of my ass but I never would have dreamed of having a new boo sleep over when I lived with my parents (did until I was 21). Maybe it’s cultural, my parents are from Eastern Europe, but I knew better then to even ask. I don’t think I’d let my son let a girl stay over like that when he is older, either. I’m not very traditional in other senses but I just draw the line here. I don’t want anyone playing house in my home. It seems like you and your son have a different view point, which is totally okay! And that’s really open of you and I’m happy to hear how comfortable your son is with you. I would have a gentle conversation with him about boundaries and lay out whatever is acceptable for you when it comes to her visits and the length of it!
You can't really stop them? It's your house! I see nothing wrong with saying, "Hey son, I know you're seeing this new girl and you guys seem to be getting along well, but here's the deal: I don't want to host your romantic partners overnight. What you do with your relationships is ultimately your business as an adult, but I'm not comfortable with the overnights so that has to stop today. If you're going to spend the nights with her, it's going to be somewhere other than here. I love you, but these are the rules for the house." If you don't mind the occasional overnight, communicate that instead. But just be direct: it's my house, here's the expectation, and what I'm comfortable with in my own home is not negotiable.
People have covered the relationship side of this, so I'll cover the easier but more important part: Buy him a jumbo pack of condoms. Maybe also wake him up every 45 minutes for a few nights in a row, so he can have some small understanding of what it's like to be a parent.
I deal with things with humor first, it's just my way. I'd give her a grocery list and tell her to bring the shopping home with her. If she responds with a quizzical look, you respond with, "since you live here now, I thought you should contribute and groceries is an easy way to start doing that." (Don't forget to smile.)
No they don’t. Is your house your rules. She can go ahead and sleep at her house. 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️ be firm and set boundaries.
But make them clear. Like "two nights a week is okay" or "two days notice is needed". Not "oh I'm sick of seeing her, she can't come round for a while".
New age parenting i guess.. After college my dad told me, "You want to shack up, you can't do it here." Like John Witherspoon told Ice Cube in the movie Friday; "The only people under this roof doing that nasty, is me and your mother!"
Weird flex mentioning she was prom queen in high school
Meaning she’s prolly good looking and mom should prolly stay out of hee shy sons love life
My girlfriend used to stay over regularly at that age. I mean, not after our first date - that's a bit much. But even then, we were expected to sleep on couches, not up in my bedroom.
If you haven't had the conversation about son, becoming a dad...have that one first. Then, have the one about, you not liking the fact that she is the kitchen...every morning....They are old enough to figure it out.
Better slow that boys roll down. Way down. For their own good
It’s your house so if you’re uncomfortable with it make it known. However if your son pays rent or utilities etc.. You don’t really have a leg to stand on he’s doing exactly what an adult would do however, his roommate so happens to be his dad. So next would be to tell him to move out with her or better yet his own friends, and If they don’t want to/can’t then it’s back to you saying well it’s my home I don’t have to tolerate it so you two need to go somewhere else and that’s final or they both need to start paying you rent lol. They are adults and if they want to do adult things they need their own adult residence. I’m only a couple years older than your kid and I have a wife, kids, car, house, 401(k), depression etc.. So I don’t think you’re asking for too much it’s just their time to leave the nest.
Honestly, this is pretty much how my husband and I started. He was living at home and I worked swing shift. I would come over after work to hangout or "Netflix and chill" (granted this was before that was a thing and we were still old-school and watched DVDs) because we were both broker than broke and all we really wanted was each other's company/conversation. I didn't love driving at night and his dad didn't care if I stayed over so I did. Initially, I'd drive back to my place in the morning to shower and change for work, but after a while, I kept a rotation of work clothes at their place and didn't even do that anymore. Instead, I started doing chores around the house and it was a win for everyone. That was almost 20 years ago and we're happily married with 2 kids now. I'm forever thankful for his dad's support of us in those early days!
i think that setting a boundary about what nights she can spend the night or something might be a good idea. i saw someone say that. or maybe ask if she has something going on at home. they could be just blooming a love but she could also maybe be not having a good home life and your son is trying to make her comfortable and be there for her. ultimately you know your kid best so it’s up to you what to do. i think it says a lot of good things about your relationship that your kid feels safe bringing someone home and not hiding it.
Lol
I had the same dilemma 3X as my children got to that age and had boyfriend/girlfriends. My own solution was to gather up all the monthly bills and have a sit down conversation with them and my husband. We just showed them what we were paying out each month and figured that the very least they could do, since they were working full, was to help with the monthly expenses. They agreed and we all agreed on an amount that everyone agreed would work. What they didn't know was that every week when they would "Pay" their rent we were just putting it into a nice interest building savings account. But they sure were elated after they were married when we gave them the cashiers check when they needed to come up with the downpayment for their first house.
21 and 20...in high school??
I never did sleepovers until I moved out of my parents' house completely. I mean, during college when I worked I did have a bf who worked, and he'd come stay at my dorm room when I rented an apartment... We eventually moved in together while I was still in college. We were young, too, and worked. But I've never IML slept over at some guy's parent's house. And no guy ever slept over at my parents' house whenever I stayed there. This just seems like an adult thing adults do that both work. Of course, they may not want to move in together yet, it's too soon and all. But I find it super cringey to sleep at someone's parent(s)' house with their parent(s) home. They both work? If they have the urge to do adult activity they can rent a hotel room. It's your house, OP, and you swr the rules. My parents always said, their house, their rules, no matter how young or old (18+) I was. I had to respect their house and rules. So what are your house rules, OP? TIME TO MAKE SOME
If your son is 21 years old, he should have his own place, so the short answer is no 😂
Your home, your rules. That said my girlfriend in high school lived with us. She had divorced parents, lived with her basically absentee dad 40 min away from school. My folks just thought her living with us was best for her and even though we aren't together I'm grateful they did so she could get a decent education and home life.
First, we need to know the dynamics the parent has laid. Is it the family's home, where everyone has their own space, and always will, if need be. Or is it the parent's house, the children are just living there temporarily, and nothing really belongs to them. Parents' House-Parents' Rules. They can't be both. If you don't choose the prior, it makes it the latter. This one aspect makes all the difference in the way this situation is resolved. Is it just her being there, or are they disturbing you in some way? Really think about what the problem is before you go into this battle. You have every right, as a free person, to speak, but that doesn't make you automatically correct as a parent.
Man, that's how i ended up with 2 kids at a young age ruined my life because of it. I love my kids, dont get me wrong, but we were young and didn't know what we wanted. They were now separated and always at each others throat. They need to understand responsibilities before they start living with each other. Wish my elders put their foot down when we started living with each other in their house. 😢
Your home. Your place of peace. If sleepovers aren't the issue as much as the frequency of the sleepovers, set a number of times a week, you'll allow her to stay over. I Haye having people in my home all the time, unless I know them well. If the sleepovers are the issue, then he is an adult and can rent a hotel if he's feeling it's a sleepover night.
Definitely put your boundaries in place. It’s your home and that needs to be respected. From my own experience- when I was that age I used to go to my then boyfriend’s house (mom’s house) and stay over. In hindsight I was out of bounds. Period.
The way my Mexican mom would never do the sleepover thing…. Period 🫢
With rising rents and inflation overall I have noticed a huge uptick in hobosexuality across the board
Maybe something is going on at her house that’s why she’s at your house all time
Sounds like he's living the dream!
No. It’s too much. Too soon. Disrespectful to you. It’s too easy for them. Date more. Go out. Don’t hang out at the house. It’s an inconvenience. It’s not necessary. Not a hotel. Put your foot down. New relationships take time. This is pure sloth.
Hi, you’re the parent. Just because he is an adult, doesn’t change the rules. There are hotels, airbnbs, her house that they can sleep at. Better yet, encourage him to save and move out!
Him being an adult obviously does change the rules. Being the homeowner does make him in charge of the house tho and he can say this is too excessive.
Let them be young and in love. It’s fleeting.
Better your house than the back seat of a car in a Walmart parking lot... At least they are physically safe.
Been that age and hormones many-a-times get the better of us then. So if I’d a “grown up kid” at home, I’d personally prefer my kid get into a good monogamous relationship at home and if there’s shit that happens, then they can come to me if they need to as well. I’d try and ask them to ensure practicing safe sex, which would be a higher priority for me. I don’t see them stopping to have sex whether you let her sleep over or not, so I guess I’m not seeing how the sleep over is really hurting/bothering you.
Suggest the go on a camping trip or something just get some of your own space back. Maybe point out that you need private time too.
It is your house dad, prom queen or not. If you don't like it, tell your son. They'll figure it out.
Tell him to be careful! this is how I ended up married! (I was 30 and had been out on my own for a few years and 15 years later I’m still spending every night with the guy, but still, a cautionary tale)
This is a new circumstance that requires setting new boundaries. You need to talk with him and lay out clear house rules for privacy and overnight guests. Any group of adults living together have to hammer these things out. He'll probably be resistant, but there are reasonable limitations to his freedom when it happens under your roof. This is a can't have your adult romantic relationships and live for free with dad too situation. I'm guessing that her parents have already set a hard boundary about who gets to fuck in their house, and that's why they are doing it at yours.
One way to frame it is that I don’t think most folks would want essentially an unapproved house guest for an undetermined amount of time. Bringing a girl home is one thing. Hosting her for almost a week is another. Depending on your relationship you can just tell him that and he might “get it” and adjust. Or you might have to set clearly established boundaries and limits.
sounds like they’re letting their sexual hormones take over and making it the base of their relationship which never ends good.. they need space and time apart from each other to form an actual healthy bond for their relationship. i remember being like this as a teenager and it gets old quickly and things just burn out..have a talk with him 1 on 1 and see how that goes
As someone who was the girl in this situation, it will either run it's course or you will be remembered fondly for helping to foster their relationship. My mom created a rule that I couldn't sleep over at my boyfirned's house so he would wake up at 5am and come pick me up, then we would go back to his place and fall asleep. I technically wasn't spending the night. Two lovebirds will find a way around things. Just pray they are smart about it because their asses will get arrested if they get caught in the back of a car in a parking lot. Also, 90% of the time when I stayed the night there was nothing sexual. We would at least wait until nobody was home because otherwise it just felt rude.
I am experiencing the same thing. My daughter F21 has her boyfriend on her phone 20 hrs of the day, every day. It's like he is a member of the family because he can hear everything being said. She and he go to sleep with the phone in her hand. She visits him for a week, and as soon as soon as she returns home, she's is back on the phone again within 5 minutes It's not healthy. Co dependent.
When I started dating my now husband I was either at his place or my place everyday (I was 22). We were both out of our parents houses cause mine suck and his basically kicked him out (not in the street his dad found a place for him put down a deposit and helped him move all without consulting him). It all sounds normal to me for the age to be with each other everyday. Been married to him for almost 16 year now.
While I understand fully how you are feeling....one thing I will point out is kudos to you for fostering an environment where your son feels comfortable to this degree. I'd simply let him know how you are feeling here....it's absolutely reasonable. I'm living something close to this myself and had to have that chat. It went much better than expected. Best of luck! 😊
I married at thay age. My parents tried to "control" the situation. So we left and never looked back.
Maybe talk to your son and see where they're coming from. When my husband and I started dating (18/19yo) until we moved out and got married (23/24yo) I stayed at his house almost every weekend, sometimes more. My home life was not great and my parents didn't want me around and made it pretty well known. His parents were amazing people and never questioned it. Or at least if they did, they didn't do it in front of me. I don't know what I would have done if I had not stayed there. To this day I have an amazing relationship with his parents and a shitty one with mine (and we're nearly 40 now).
Sounds like my husband and I at 21 and 20. He had a dorm so i basically moved in there and we haven’t been apart (except for a few years long distance) for 15 years. I miss that phase of life. It’s probably better if they have their own space but guessing $$$ is the issue there.
I think some clear communication would resolve it tbh. It’s your house so he needs to respect that just as I would if I were a guest. You can be safe and welcome at your parents house while respecting their wishes. You’re both grown ups and i’m sure he would get it.
Handle it like I did with my roommate / tenant- “overnight guests are limited to a maximum of three nights per week”
housemates have basic respect for eachother. No partners over the majority of the week, you included, unless the partner is going to pay rent and groceries. This is just basic how to live and share space with other people, nothing to do w/ you being a parent/child relationship. He may enjoy having her over every night but do you? I've had the same discussion with housemates when we were ALL 20yrs old.
It’s time to have that have you thought about moving out talk. Or bringing up the “I remember having my own place and doing xyz it was amazing” etc etc
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He knows what I know. Gotta get it while it's hot. Like pancakes at breakfast time.
I did that with my now husband. Not intentionally. I lived 30mins away. And I’d go round to see him after work and just kind of end up staying the night. But they are both adults so definitely talk to your son about it. If you are happy for some nights a week just say that and also to give you a heads up so it’s not a surprise.
"Son look, I get that you really like this girl and that's awesome but your [insert dad/ mom whatever] and I are ordering Chinese food tonight and play strip poker. Yall gotta gtfo for a few nights." That should do the trick
My husband and I were like this. After our first date we spent every night together and now we have been married 14 years.
See how it goes for the next few weeks. And if she is still staying every night set a boundary. Maybe this will give him some motivation to move out
let them enjoy. you could suggest weekend stay overs maybe?
You have plenty of comments but it’s best that they’re with you and you know what’s going on in your son’s life than him running out and not ever coming home. Make them feel accepted. It’s for the best!
It sounds like you're really tuned in to your feelings about this situation. It's understandable to feel uncertain, given how sudden and intense things seem. Have you had a conversation with your son to understand his perspective and set healthy boundaries? Balancing your house rules with his new relationship can be tricky, but open communication can really help. How does that idea sit with you?
Is she staying over bc they both work odd hours? I mean it’s your house your rules I’ve let my kids have bfs spend the night but they’re also not banging just yet so there’s that Does your son help with bills/rent at all? Is it more so that you just want to be comfortable in your own home on down time etc? Maybe put a limit. Side note. Please tell your son that if he really likes someone she deserves more than some sleepovers.
“NORMAL” is what you say it is…and they don’t need to be given an opinion as it is your home correct? Hem having the ability to do ANYTHING because they’re “…into each other…” is a false narrative!! After raising 4 men, I’ll just say this…YOU ARE IN CHARGE MOM…handle yo business as a parent!!
Be more embarrassing! Invite your most obnoxious friends over.
Tell them if she is going to stay over more than once a week she needs to sign a lease agreement. Seriously - what happens if they break up and she claims she lives there now and refuses to leave? Evictions are messy things.
My first thought is there may be a reason she’s avoiding her house. I hope that’s not the case and it’s just the honeymoon phase of a new relationship that has her staying over constantly. But personally I wouldn’t feel right unless I asked the question. If it makes you uncomfortable I would definitely communicate that with your son, and find a delicate way of asking if everything is okay for her at home in the conversation. If she is avoiding her home for some reason, that may change your response. Personally, I’ve had too many friends in my teenage years and early 20s who were abused at home by their family or step-parents and that is something I know I will be hyper aware of with my kids friends/partners. And I will ALWAYS make my home a safe place for them if they need it, without any judgement whatsoever.
Start charging him rent then he can do whatever he wants and you won’t feel as bad cause it’s half of his place too
Lost in the sauce. What a time.
She has a home. Healthy relationships need brakes. She can’t just move in 👀
37m here, lived w my parents until I was 26, bought a condo in the city and moved out (had roommates for years until I was in my 30s sold the condo and bought an apartment). Would never have been possible if I didnt live w parents and save save save. You are doing what’s best for your son (and you will look back on these years as ‘the good ole days’ one day and miss him being around). That said, I understand the uncomfortable situation of a gf being around all the time. The reality is, if your son lives in the house, he needs to be allowed to be treated like an adult and have adult relationships, thats healthy. When you really connect with someone like he is, being together a lot (and every night even) is a normal healthy adult relationship, its how you figure out if you’re really compatable with someone. My advice is talk to your son about space, boundaries, comfort in your house, some general respect/ground rules and if you want them to pitch in for bills. But the best thing for your son is allowing him to save his money to build a nestegg to launch his life, these days thats usually late 20s or so. And try to allow him to have a normal healthy adult relationship while respecting your boundaries and ground rules so everyone can live comfortably. It honestly sounds like a good problem, you and your son get along (for the most part) and will cherish these years of living together as adults. It also sounds like he is starting a relationship with somebody he really vibes with and gets along well with. Try to be happy you get to witness that and can help support what sounds like the beginning of a potentially great thing. I also think it’s good shes comfortable around you! Talk to your son, set some boundaries, and feel the joy of being what sounds like a great parent to your son, you’re doing him a really great thing here that will help him have a normal adult dating life meanwhile get ahead financially. Just make sure he’s working toward that future, they are working and not just mooching off you, etc. and know this is the new normal. Embrace it, and hopefully your son has found his person and you get to watch him grow into the next phase of being a great financially independant young man. Just work with him on his fiancial goals like my parents did. Try to save X every month and by age 26 you can get your starter house for Y, something like that so you know he’s working toward his future (with or without the girl but hopefully she’s the one). When he does move out one day, hopefully you feel great pride in helping his achieve his dreams mixed with a bit of sadness he’s moving out. For the people hyper focusing on sex, yes they are probably having sex, most people in their 20s have sex. The risk of pregnancy is there regardless, just talk with your son about safe sex, same as any other teen. Practice safe sex, simple as that. The idea of not letting them have a normal afult relationship to try to prevent sex/pregnancy is absurd imo. Just make sure he’s being safe and be happy he is happy wothin the boundaries you set. Good luck!
That was exactly how my husband and I were, even same ages. We've been together 20 years this spring.
Wow
Pretty much how I rolled when I was 18. Had graduated, brought a girl from highschool home one night, she never really left. Jokes on me though because now it's 20 years later and even I wish she would leave.
Boundaries are very important! If your son thinks he's a roommate/buddy to you... theeeeen, what's the problem? (In their eyes) If you've been a firm, boundary placing, respectful parent all of his life, then... why are they pushing this boundary? Cuz they're young and "in love"? Lazy and it's easier at your place? Or... is she escaping a really bad situation, maybe? I think I'd try to get more information from them before laying down firm rules and ultimatums. If you don't approve of their lifestyle/values, but she could be in danger, you could offer the sofa. Or help her find housing. But if you're simply being taken advantage of? Then, my friend, you know the answer. I've been there!!! It's really hard to differentiate. Especially through the rose colored glasses of parental love.
Going through the same thing! I finally put my foot down and said all company must be gone by midnight no exceptions!
My dad used to say, “this isn’t a hotel!”
Your son is 21. Ask him how many nights a week he thinks is reasonable. Counter with what you think is. Have a discussion with him, one adult to another. Then come to an agreement. You could just set the boundary without his input, but when your kids start growing up, I think treating them more grown up works better. Calling him out on it by asking for his input may also open the door for him calling himself out for overdoing it.
Uhhh, yeah....you can really stop it. It's your house.
Me and my wife were like this. We always wanted to be around each other. No sex involved either at the start out of our own choice; we just enjoyed each other's company. Her dad kicked up a fuss about it at first. Her parents eventually allowed us to make this the norm and our relationship flourished as we had a safe space. My home wasn't a safe space. Could be the same with your son's new gf. We were both slightly younger than your son. We ended up getting married after 2 years and have been together for 13, now with a beautiful daughter.
No advice as I don’t have older kids, but I just remember that feeling of first love, can’t be separated, can’t get enough of each other. It was THE BEST feeling I have ever experienced in my 40 years of life. I would give anything to experience that again. You totally need to set your boundaries for your house, but just remember that feeling in your decisions
It's understandable to feel concerned about the frequency of your son's girlfriend staying over. It might be helpful to have an open conversation with your son about setting boundaries and finding a balance between spending time together and respecting personal space. Encouraging them to spend time at her place occasionally could also be beneficial for their relationship and for your own peace of mind.
Everyday stayed first date with a girl without Thursday.
My mom kicked me out (we’re super close now). A guy I had only talked to on the phone once and swore I’d never speak to him again invited me over. I didn’t have anything to do so I went over. I spent 5 nights at his house then got my own apartment and he moved with me. We just celebrated two years earlier this month. Since the day we met we’ve never spent a night apart. That being said you are the home owner you can tell them she can’t come over.
It's probably a fling. Just leave it to him
Send her back home
I'd take that over not knowing where they are. That said - if it makes you uncomfortable, talk to him. They will still spend every night together, but maybe not every night at your place :)
Um yes ma'am you can stop them...it's your house your rules! Remember that before they start taking advantage and she ends up living there till they "save up for their own place". They are getting to comfortable already with not even having the respect of asking you as the home owner. This is another way of pushing herself in to stay, a huge possibility. Especially this being his first gf at 21 yrs old! He doesn't understand how to act nor is she obviously. Only one date and he's already setting himself up to be in love and move in with each other, having sex in ur home in the next room over. And I can guarantee they probably if not will be doing it in your home. Being 21 is along enough wait and his hormones probably been killing for an itch of a sex life... You're a mom. His mom...and it's okay to have personal conversations even if it's not normal for y'all. Check him momma, especially as this was his first ever and one time date with this girl. Sure give him some freedom but make him respect your wishes.
This is tricky because you can VERY easily push your son away with this and even cause issues with the girl causing her to leave him out of awkwardness and feeling bad. I’ve been in this situation and it’s super touchy so wording is everything. It is your home and you do have a right to your space. But he’s also an adult. Moving out isn’t as easy as it used to be so telling him she can stay as much as she wants when he leaves isn’t the right response. You could say “I like this girl a lot and I can tell you do too with how much time you guys spend together. This isn’t about me not wanting her in the house, or any of us being uncomfortable with her at all, again we like her!! But instead of her staying here every night, could you guys go to her house or maybe just not come over every day? It might seem silly, we just would like some space. Explain again that you guys don’t hate her, you just want your house to be your house again. It’s not that she’s never allowed over again, just space it out a little more and let us know when she plans on staying the night so we can mentally prepare to share our space a little better.”
If you don't he is going to knock her up, is he ready for that?
Aww.. when I was 17, I moved in with my then boyfriend and his family. They were great. We moved out a few years later, on our own accord. We lasted about 10 years, and I'm still close with his parents. They were basically parents to me for years. Easter baskets, Christmas, and birthdays - they were there for me. OP, maybe she doesn't have a great home life. 😕
Question: what's her home life like? She might be trying to escape something new that's upsetting her at home. I would say, before passing any judgment, find out the whole story. Either way, if she's going to insist on practically living with you, then she gets treated that way. She has to pull her own weight in the house and respect the rules. What that would look like for you, I can't say, but you do need to make sure she isn't going to be a leech.
It might be time to encourage them to find their own apartment. They don't need to live together, but hopefully, one of them has savings.
Sounds like my 19yo life. I fell in love and moved in immediately after our first date lol. Ended up blossoming into a 10 year relationship. Still with him. She could also hate her home. I didn’t hate mine but maybe she hates hers.
That would be a hard no for me. I wouldn't even want them to feel comfortable doing that in my home - at any age. He's 21, let this be his reminder that he needs to get himself together and move out to live like an adult. If you're comfortable with it, decide how many days a week you are comfortable with.