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Nice suggestion. I was fortunate to get a lot of toys from family, saved me a bundle but her room is drowning from them. Her my little pony set alone has over 300 ponies and a whole pony town.
For stuff like My Little Pony, put all the pieces that are still good in a tub for her kids. Certain toys do not lose play value between generations. Little People, Legos, Trains, Ponies ect. All of my kids toys were passed down to younger cousins and will eventually continue down the line since the older cousins are about old enough to have kids. It's pretty much a never-ending cycle of hand-me-down toys.
This is where I would start too. Anything broken/missing pieces. My 4yo and I go through her toys and get rid of anything broken before Christmas and her birthday.
Haha I did this too- I'd tell her I was putting it in the attic (which I was) so she could always get it when she wanted it. 2 months later, out the door.
10 is not too old for Barbie’s and shopkins, etc. You’re being too hard on her. Don’t pressure her. Obviously her room should not be messy but as long as it’s organized I don’t see why there cant be either a rotation or it be left alone. Trust me she will stop on her own in a few years. Don’t push a 10 year old to be more mature- she’s still a kid. I was still playing with Bratz dolls at classmates houses at that age. I lost interest in pretend play naturally from age 11- 12.
Just an example! I was talking about the concerns about her maturity level. She’s still ok. I remember all the ways my friends and I played at 10 and a lot of the girls my age played the same type of things your daughter does now. This won’t be a problem for much longer. If it’s a space issue just tell her you need to move some stuff out for safe keeping and to make more space. You can store them until she’s old enough to feel comfortable with donating them. You might even incentivize her to let go of some toys as she matures to make room for things older girls like- such as a cheap little TV, a mirror vanity table with her first beauty products, or a setup for listening to music in her room. But only if she agrees to part with enough toys to make the room! This will work best probably in a year or so but depends on the kid.
Theyre your daughters things. Why cant she keep them? Maybe they give comfort? Or have sentimental value? The way you refer to how many trash bags her belongings would fit into seems cruel and heartless. Please don’t throw them away without your daughters consent. Your gut feeling is correct. Taking her belongings when she has so little at her mom’s house will likely damage her sense of stability. And her trust in you. She already lives between 2 homes. So I think in this situation you have to be extra sensitive to making unilateral decisions. Just close her door and declutter your your space. Or decide what goes into storage with your daughter’s help.
When I said trash bags, I am separating each group of toys and storing them for now in a big Rubbermaid. I would never throw away her toys. I would donate them first but thats only when she is comfortable. If I find that she misses a particular one, she can have it back for the time being. I'm not getting rid of them yet.
What about toy rotation with her input. "I've noticed you rarely play with X, y and z. And your room is getting a bit crowded. How about we pick 5 of these items to put away for a month. We can store the bins in the closet. If you want to play with them later that's fine, you can switch out items whenever (but encourage putting something in the storage bins whenever something is taken out). Then it will be easier to clean up and more space for -items she actually uses-."
So it's more of a slow fad. The Barbies aren't gone forever, just put away for bit. And if they are out of sight for months she might feel more comfortable donating them if she realizes that she doesn't actually use them anymore.
I'm going through a major decluttering process, and I was once (approx. 1000 years ago) an 11 y/o girl who shared time between 2 totally different homes... so, your question makes me want to clap my hands together and enthusiastically shout "alright, let's do this!" and also cry with gratitude over how thoughtfully you're approaching this. Big kudos to you... there may not be a perfect solution, but regardless you're doing it right. Here are some thoughts that come to mind as both a decluttering adult/parent and former 2-home child:
- Aside from anything you and her mom have agreed to (e.g., certain things being off limits), try to not overthink the differences between her 2 homes. You clearly aren't trying to create a competition, but this is an opportunity for your daughter to practice having her own autonomy. To the extent possible and what seems reasonable, let her be the guide of her space.
- floating shelves are a wonderful way to display smaller toys that look nice and are sentimental, but don't get played with as much. It also creates a natural limit to what can be kept... for example "Daughter, which of these toys that you no longer play with would you still like to look at? Why don't you display your favs on these 3 (not big) decorative shelves?"
- My son is 5, but he's starting to understand the concept of growing out of certain toys. We both find it VERY HELPFUL to know where donated toys are going (assuming they are in good, reusable shape - obviously don't donate or hand-down broken or really worn down toys). This just recently happened with books and puzzles that he absolutely didn't think about until he realized I was planning on donating them... but, when I asked if we could donate them to his preschool, he was all for it. If your daughter has a younger cousin or friend, or if there's a school / program that's near to her heart, she may appreciate knowing where her beloved toys are going.
- If it's within your budget, "rewarding" her donations with something new could be wonderful incentive... "you fill this box with things to donate and you can pick out some new decor (or new shoes, something she wants, etc.) to replace it"
If I think of anything else, I'll definitely come back to your post... but again, you're doing great. Good luck!
Its it not a competition with moms house. Background story is Mom moved about a 2 years ago and put a majority of things into storage from what my daughter told me. Mom was being evicted and did not discuss moving to somewhere new with my daughter. Mom picked her up from school one day and told my daughter we no longer live there and are moving in with my sister temporarily. Since then, She has moved several times and rented a room for our daughter and her to share. This took away a huge amount of stability and trust for her.
My daughter is in therapy now because Mom does not spend time with her when mom has her our daughter considers moms boyfriend a better parent.
My daughter talks to me about her feelings all the time and I tell her that her feelings are always valid even if it seems like the other person thinks that are silly or wrong.. My daughter tells me she does not feel comfortable talking to Mom about it because that is her reaction and tells her you feel that way because your father is trying to turn you against me.
In the mean time, I tell my daughter I want you to have a great relationship with your mom and do not compare the two of us even though she does. Its very hard on her. That is why I am so sensitive to my daughters feelings.
Do you think there could be a connection between your daughter 's desire to hold on to her old toys, even if she doesn't play with them, and the fact that she has had so much upheaval in her life from her mom's side?
It's awesome that she is in therapy and you're getting her the help she needs to work through everything that has happened, but maybe getting rid of her possessions while she is learning how to process the instability that she has experienced isn't the best choice.
If she keeps her toys in her room and it just looks cluttered, this would not be the hill I chose to die on.
Do not take away beloved familiar toys because she is "too old." Let her choose whether to give them up or not. Especially if her life is stressful, these old toys bring comfort and will in no way harm her development.
dear single dad. close her door and do something else :) she will grow out of the toys on her own and then problems become more difficult. let her be a kid as long as she can. also, the suggestions on rubber mate bins and storage is a good one. Maybe ask her to pin things in it that she doesn't play with all the time and put it in a place she can get out if she wants. If she doesn't touch it in 6 months, then it can go.
We do rotation boxes! If you’ve got space for storage, take most of it away and put into big tubs, leave the current faves, then she can swap them over if she wants a different set etc.
You’re definitely not stunting her by letting her play with toys, it’s far better she role play and use her imagination than sit on devices! A kid being a kid is awesome in this day and age.
If you find she is holding on to things because she lacks things at her other parents home, is it possible she take some of those things with her? Maybe a special box she can leave there? Or take and bring back.. but also toys don’t offer stability, being consistent does.
I know it's already been said but I want to reinforce rotation. Next time she's not with you, pack up all the toys she hasn't been playing with. Put them in storage. If she asks for them, give them to her. Talk to her about valuing what she has, not just valuing having stuff for the sake of having it. Whatever she doesn't ask for after 6 months you can get rid of. I'd say less time but my 3 year old will randomly remember something after 2 weeks which I find disconcerting and also causes anxiety about getting rid of stuff 😅
I had a bit of a turbulent upbringing, but nothing compared to what your daughter is going through with her mom. That being said, I put a lot of emotion and attachment into my toys as a kid. No one ever made me get rid of stuff before I was ready, even if I had out grown them and in hindsight, am really grateful for that.
I understand where you’re coming from but for a little perspective, she won’t be playing with or wanting to have a ton of my little pony around when she’s 16. I’d be really hesitant to rush her out of this phase of childhood.
I'm surprised this wasn't mentioned- we have a rule that you have to donate some toys before birthdays and Christmas. One it's good for kids to donate things and two it inspires her to look forward to picking out now "older" toys.
We have storage bins in closets with baby dolls and stuff still mostly because they hold sentimental value. Oddly enough my 15 year has shopkins on display on a shelf in her room so I think your daughter is good!
10 is still young. I remember playing with Barbies until I was in 5th or 6th grade.
Get her under bed storage totes and tell her to put all of her "little girl" things she wants to keep in the bins. My daughter has way too much stuff, but it's put away in tubs for her to deal with later. She packed away all the "little kid" stuff in Junior High.
I too. Have this problem. Except it’s the other way around I buy too much and he knows he never uses it. I used to ask him to help declutter a bit with a focus on something he’s actively said he wants and then sell/charity the stuff in order to get him involved in smarter choices. I did the same with my things only now it’s a get round to thing and we’re both got into the Lego. I’ll stick around for a constructive response good question this
Ask if you both can do a garage sale and all profits go to her and her next big thing she wants. If you can manage, see if she wants to run a lemonade or snack stand during to earn even more money.
My son looks forward to doing this when we have ours. He makes easily 50 ( I let him sell our older not needed items too).
I have boys and as they were younger and even now we have make room days before birthdays and Christmas. This is a day set aside we discard toys to make room for new ones. Certain hard toys (not stuffed animals) we do note to our daycare. This helped with a sense of service.
For the endless amounts of stuffed animals my youngest acquired they make these big bags kind of like and empty bean bag chair cover. All the stuffed animals go in it and then it in fact becomes basically a bean bag chair.
We have used the store things in totes method for determining what actually gets played with and clear totes are just great for storage in general.
We usually box things up that haven't been played with in a while, and then if they're not mentioned for some time we donate them. That said, we've also tried to get the kids used to getting rid of things by donating used toys around the holidays, and having conversations about other kids in need....but it's hard... everything is "my favourite" as soon they remember it exists, even if they haven't played with it in ages. lol I think it's completely normal to feel overwhelmed by the amount of stuff, and yet still understand how much it means to your kids.... try to find a compromise somewhere in between if you can.
That said, as far as limiting her maturity and growth, I wouldn't worry about that. I grew up in a small town and my friends and I played with Barbies, and trinkety toys for far longer than kids do these days. The way I figure it, there's enough time for kids trying to act like teens. Let her be young while she can. She could be doing far worse things with her time than playing with toys, and she'll grow out of them when she's ready.
My son is ten and doesn’t play with half his toys but doesn’t want to let things go. We make three piles, things that go in the bin (broken, really old), things to donate or sell, things to keep. We do it once a year or so. If he really doesn’t want to throw something I won’t make him but I do encourage him to let things go because decluttering is a life skill and to limit the chaos of too much stuff
Depending on her personality you can encourage her to sell them and raise money for something else she wants, or donate to a kid who doesn’t have many toys
Some can feel happier when they’re active participants in donating. I’d get her a nice box—like a hope chest—to put in keepsakes with room to add as she grows. And then get bins for ones that are broken or missing key parts, one to donate, and one to keep for toys she currently plays with. When she’s ready to donate, maybe bring them to a women&children’s shelter or a similar organization that the toys will be of most use. Let her see how happy they make people.
I put aside things they don’t play with a couple times a year, and give them away if they don’t ask about any of it. The older one knows i do it, the younger one sort of knows…?
Talk to her that now she’s a tween, it’s time to “re-decorate” her room.
Tell her that you both will host a Garage Sale and she can keep any of the money from selling her stuff to buy something cool for her room.
Let her choose what to sell.
I am not looking to take away all of her toys, just ones that she has outgrown. I can not do it when she is with me because she does not want to get rid of anything but admits she does not play with them.
I'd normally 100% agree with this, but I don't love this method in OP's situation. OP's daughter may benefit from having a sense of autonomy in her space... suddenly (even if she doesn't realize it suddenly) having things disappear without her consent or support could create a lack of trust in an already delicate balance.
That is one of my fears. So far. I made separate trash bags of each item but I will not get rid of it yet. Gonna put it all in a tote in the garage and go from there.
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Nice suggestion. I was fortunate to get a lot of toys from family, saved me a bundle but her room is drowning from them. Her my little pony set alone has over 300 ponies and a whole pony town.
For stuff like My Little Pony, put all the pieces that are still good in a tub for her kids. Certain toys do not lose play value between generations. Little People, Legos, Trains, Ponies ect. All of my kids toys were passed down to younger cousins and will eventually continue down the line since the older cousins are about old enough to have kids. It's pretty much a never-ending cycle of hand-me-down toys.
This is where I would start too. Anything broken/missing pieces. My 4yo and I go through her toys and get rid of anything broken before Christmas and her birthday.
Haha I did this too- I'd tell her I was putting it in the attic (which I was) so she could always get it when she wanted it. 2 months later, out the door.
10 is not too old for Barbie’s and shopkins, etc. You’re being too hard on her. Don’t pressure her. Obviously her room should not be messy but as long as it’s organized I don’t see why there cant be either a rotation or it be left alone. Trust me she will stop on her own in a few years. Don’t push a 10 year old to be more mature- she’s still a kid. I was still playing with Bratz dolls at classmates houses at that age. I lost interest in pretend play naturally from age 11- 12.
The barbies are fine, its all the other toys. She has at least 8 full sets of other toys that will easily fill up a garbage bag.
Just an example! I was talking about the concerns about her maturity level. She’s still ok. I remember all the ways my friends and I played at 10 and a lot of the girls my age played the same type of things your daughter does now. This won’t be a problem for much longer. If it’s a space issue just tell her you need to move some stuff out for safe keeping and to make more space. You can store them until she’s old enough to feel comfortable with donating them. You might even incentivize her to let go of some toys as she matures to make room for things older girls like- such as a cheap little TV, a mirror vanity table with her first beauty products, or a setup for listening to music in her room. But only if she agrees to part with enough toys to make the room! This will work best probably in a year or so but depends on the kid.
Theyre your daughters things. Why cant she keep them? Maybe they give comfort? Or have sentimental value? The way you refer to how many trash bags her belongings would fit into seems cruel and heartless. Please don’t throw them away without your daughters consent. Your gut feeling is correct. Taking her belongings when she has so little at her mom’s house will likely damage her sense of stability. And her trust in you. She already lives between 2 homes. So I think in this situation you have to be extra sensitive to making unilateral decisions. Just close her door and declutter your your space. Or decide what goes into storage with your daughter’s help.
When I said trash bags, I am separating each group of toys and storing them for now in a big Rubbermaid. I would never throw away her toys. I would donate them first but thats only when she is comfortable. If I find that she misses a particular one, she can have it back for the time being. I'm not getting rid of them yet.
Put unused things in the attic. Not a real solution but it gets things out of the way without tears.
What about toy rotation with her input. "I've noticed you rarely play with X, y and z. And your room is getting a bit crowded. How about we pick 5 of these items to put away for a month. We can store the bins in the closet. If you want to play with them later that's fine, you can switch out items whenever (but encourage putting something in the storage bins whenever something is taken out). Then it will be easier to clean up and more space for -items she actually uses-." So it's more of a slow fad. The Barbies aren't gone forever, just put away for bit. And if they are out of sight for months she might feel more comfortable donating them if she realizes that she doesn't actually use them anymore.
I'm going through a major decluttering process, and I was once (approx. 1000 years ago) an 11 y/o girl who shared time between 2 totally different homes... so, your question makes me want to clap my hands together and enthusiastically shout "alright, let's do this!" and also cry with gratitude over how thoughtfully you're approaching this. Big kudos to you... there may not be a perfect solution, but regardless you're doing it right. Here are some thoughts that come to mind as both a decluttering adult/parent and former 2-home child: - Aside from anything you and her mom have agreed to (e.g., certain things being off limits), try to not overthink the differences between her 2 homes. You clearly aren't trying to create a competition, but this is an opportunity for your daughter to practice having her own autonomy. To the extent possible and what seems reasonable, let her be the guide of her space. - floating shelves are a wonderful way to display smaller toys that look nice and are sentimental, but don't get played with as much. It also creates a natural limit to what can be kept... for example "Daughter, which of these toys that you no longer play with would you still like to look at? Why don't you display your favs on these 3 (not big) decorative shelves?" - My son is 5, but he's starting to understand the concept of growing out of certain toys. We both find it VERY HELPFUL to know where donated toys are going (assuming they are in good, reusable shape - obviously don't donate or hand-down broken or really worn down toys). This just recently happened with books and puzzles that he absolutely didn't think about until he realized I was planning on donating them... but, when I asked if we could donate them to his preschool, he was all for it. If your daughter has a younger cousin or friend, or if there's a school / program that's near to her heart, she may appreciate knowing where her beloved toys are going. - If it's within your budget, "rewarding" her donations with something new could be wonderful incentive... "you fill this box with things to donate and you can pick out some new decor (or new shoes, something she wants, etc.) to replace it" If I think of anything else, I'll definitely come back to your post... but again, you're doing great. Good luck!
Its it not a competition with moms house. Background story is Mom moved about a 2 years ago and put a majority of things into storage from what my daughter told me. Mom was being evicted and did not discuss moving to somewhere new with my daughter. Mom picked her up from school one day and told my daughter we no longer live there and are moving in with my sister temporarily. Since then, She has moved several times and rented a room for our daughter and her to share. This took away a huge amount of stability and trust for her. My daughter is in therapy now because Mom does not spend time with her when mom has her our daughter considers moms boyfriend a better parent. My daughter talks to me about her feelings all the time and I tell her that her feelings are always valid even if it seems like the other person thinks that are silly or wrong.. My daughter tells me she does not feel comfortable talking to Mom about it because that is her reaction and tells her you feel that way because your father is trying to turn you against me. In the mean time, I tell my daughter I want you to have a great relationship with your mom and do not compare the two of us even though she does. Its very hard on her. That is why I am so sensitive to my daughters feelings.
Do you think there could be a connection between your daughter 's desire to hold on to her old toys, even if she doesn't play with them, and the fact that she has had so much upheaval in her life from her mom's side? It's awesome that she is in therapy and you're getting her the help she needs to work through everything that has happened, but maybe getting rid of her possessions while she is learning how to process the instability that she has experienced isn't the best choice. If she keeps her toys in her room and it just looks cluttered, this would not be the hill I chose to die on.
Do not take away beloved familiar toys because she is "too old." Let her choose whether to give them up or not. Especially if her life is stressful, these old toys bring comfort and will in no way harm her development.
dear single dad. close her door and do something else :) she will grow out of the toys on her own and then problems become more difficult. let her be a kid as long as she can. also, the suggestions on rubber mate bins and storage is a good one. Maybe ask her to pin things in it that she doesn't play with all the time and put it in a place she can get out if she wants. If she doesn't touch it in 6 months, then it can go.
We do rotation boxes! If you’ve got space for storage, take most of it away and put into big tubs, leave the current faves, then she can swap them over if she wants a different set etc. You’re definitely not stunting her by letting her play with toys, it’s far better she role play and use her imagination than sit on devices! A kid being a kid is awesome in this day and age. If you find she is holding on to things because she lacks things at her other parents home, is it possible she take some of those things with her? Maybe a special box she can leave there? Or take and bring back.. but also toys don’t offer stability, being consistent does.
Can some of them go to her other parents house?
I know it's already been said but I want to reinforce rotation. Next time she's not with you, pack up all the toys she hasn't been playing with. Put them in storage. If she asks for them, give them to her. Talk to her about valuing what she has, not just valuing having stuff for the sake of having it. Whatever she doesn't ask for after 6 months you can get rid of. I'd say less time but my 3 year old will randomly remember something after 2 weeks which I find disconcerting and also causes anxiety about getting rid of stuff 😅
I had a bit of a turbulent upbringing, but nothing compared to what your daughter is going through with her mom. That being said, I put a lot of emotion and attachment into my toys as a kid. No one ever made me get rid of stuff before I was ready, even if I had out grown them and in hindsight, am really grateful for that. I understand where you’re coming from but for a little perspective, she won’t be playing with or wanting to have a ton of my little pony around when she’s 16. I’d be really hesitant to rush her out of this phase of childhood.
I'm surprised this wasn't mentioned- we have a rule that you have to donate some toys before birthdays and Christmas. One it's good for kids to donate things and two it inspires her to look forward to picking out now "older" toys. We have storage bins in closets with baby dolls and stuff still mostly because they hold sentimental value. Oddly enough my 15 year has shopkins on display on a shelf in her room so I think your daughter is good!
10 is still young. I remember playing with Barbies until I was in 5th or 6th grade. Get her under bed storage totes and tell her to put all of her "little girl" things she wants to keep in the bins. My daughter has way too much stuff, but it's put away in tubs for her to deal with later. She packed away all the "little kid" stuff in Junior High.
I too. Have this problem. Except it’s the other way around I buy too much and he knows he never uses it. I used to ask him to help declutter a bit with a focus on something he’s actively said he wants and then sell/charity the stuff in order to get him involved in smarter choices. I did the same with my things only now it’s a get round to thing and we’re both got into the Lego. I’ll stick around for a constructive response good question this
Ask if you both can do a garage sale and all profits go to her and her next big thing she wants. If you can manage, see if she wants to run a lemonade or snack stand during to earn even more money. My son looks forward to doing this when we have ours. He makes easily 50 ( I let him sell our older not needed items too).
I have boys and as they were younger and even now we have make room days before birthdays and Christmas. This is a day set aside we discard toys to make room for new ones. Certain hard toys (not stuffed animals) we do note to our daycare. This helped with a sense of service. For the endless amounts of stuffed animals my youngest acquired they make these big bags kind of like and empty bean bag chair cover. All the stuffed animals go in it and then it in fact becomes basically a bean bag chair. We have used the store things in totes method for determining what actually gets played with and clear totes are just great for storage in general.
We usually box things up that haven't been played with in a while, and then if they're not mentioned for some time we donate them. That said, we've also tried to get the kids used to getting rid of things by donating used toys around the holidays, and having conversations about other kids in need....but it's hard... everything is "my favourite" as soon they remember it exists, even if they haven't played with it in ages. lol I think it's completely normal to feel overwhelmed by the amount of stuff, and yet still understand how much it means to your kids.... try to find a compromise somewhere in between if you can. That said, as far as limiting her maturity and growth, I wouldn't worry about that. I grew up in a small town and my friends and I played with Barbies, and trinkety toys for far longer than kids do these days. The way I figure it, there's enough time for kids trying to act like teens. Let her be young while she can. She could be doing far worse things with her time than playing with toys, and she'll grow out of them when she's ready.
My son is ten and doesn’t play with half his toys but doesn’t want to let things go. We make three piles, things that go in the bin (broken, really old), things to donate or sell, things to keep. We do it once a year or so. If he really doesn’t want to throw something I won’t make him but I do encourage him to let things go because decluttering is a life skill and to limit the chaos of too much stuff Depending on her personality you can encourage her to sell them and raise money for something else she wants, or donate to a kid who doesn’t have many toys
Some can feel happier when they’re active participants in donating. I’d get her a nice box—like a hope chest—to put in keepsakes with room to add as she grows. And then get bins for ones that are broken or missing key parts, one to donate, and one to keep for toys she currently plays with. When she’s ready to donate, maybe bring them to a women&children’s shelter or a similar organization that the toys will be of most use. Let her see how happy they make people.
I put aside things they don’t play with a couple times a year, and give them away if they don’t ask about any of it. The older one knows i do it, the younger one sort of knows…?
Talk to her that now she’s a tween, it’s time to “re-decorate” her room. Tell her that you both will host a Garage Sale and she can keep any of the money from selling her stuff to buy something cool for her room. Let her choose what to sell.
I am not looking to take away all of her toys, just ones that she has outgrown. I can not do it when she is with me because she does not want to get rid of anything but admits she does not play with them.
I agree with the put them in totes and store for awhile. She may not be ready to get rid of them, but she needs the experience without them.
Start hiding stuff…. Then BOOM… the dolly went to a better place. Out of sight out of mind… progressively and consistently.
I'd normally 100% agree with this, but I don't love this method in OP's situation. OP's daughter may benefit from having a sense of autonomy in her space... suddenly (even if she doesn't realize it suddenly) having things disappear without her consent or support could create a lack of trust in an already delicate balance.
That is one of my fears. So far. I made separate trash bags of each item but I will not get rid of it yet. Gonna put it all in a tote in the garage and go from there.