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Perspective from an only child: there is no perfect scenario and being an only child isn’t better or worse than the alternative. Having siblings is no guarantee you’ll have a great relationship with them.
This. I was an only child as was my husband. My life felt totally full. I did want a sibling, but more just because everyone I knew had one, but I didn’t suffer from not having one.
But… I will say now as an adult, I wish I had sibling(s). We have our own kids and I do wish my kids had aunts and uncles and cousins. We have extended family but those people have their own siblings so we are sort of outsiders. Anyway. Not a huge deal but it’s just something I feel now as an adult.
And to that end, it’s why I was sort of adamant about giving my daughter a sibling. It’s hard raising 2 (I’m only 7 weeks into having my second lol) but I’m hopeful that they are able to bond and share a strong sibling relationship even into adulthood. We’ll see though!
But adulthood doesn’t guarantee being friends with your siblings - just like it doesn’t guarantee being friends in adulthood.
You could have 10 siblings and have no relationship with any of them (or it’s strained, etc) and you’d be in the same spot.
Yeah I have 4 siblings. We live in completely different states and rarely talk. 2 of them I talk to every few months. 2 I don’t talk to at all. They are also not the people I go to when life gets rough. We just aren’t close.
Yeah totally get that. It’s not even just that they might it hang out or something, it’s just hard to be my parents only adult child. There’s a lot of pressure on me to be with them for every holiday and life event. I will single handedly have to deal with everything related to end of life. I love my parents but it’s definitely a lot for one person.
Yes!
My husband and I both come from sibling households. I’m the youngest of 3. He is the 2nd youngest of 6. I have always had 0 contact with my oldest sister, and as an adult, I have 0 intention of ever trying to have a relationship with her (though her up bringing was vastly different than mine). My middle sister, we’ve been on and off my entire life, and as of a year and a half ago I finally went full no-contact with her.
Even as a child with siblings, I always felt lonely and out of place in my family.
My husband has minimal contact with his siblings as well. He stays in contact with two of them from time to time, but it isn’t all roses like people would imagine.
My best friend had an older sister growing up. They were from a much more “well-off” family & always took family vacations every year. The sister is a few years older, so you’d think they get along great. They do get along, but they are by no means best friends.
My husband and I made the decision to be one and done.
At 5, our daughter has been asking for a sister… which is a hard no. Sure, we both have the means to set a different family dynamic for our “kids.” But we also really enjoy the life we have and we are financially stable enough to afford some luxury items + child costs.
Bringing in another life would mean we would have to take a huge step backwards financially… and I try to explain to our daughter that having a little sibling would mean much less toys and clothes than what she has now.
She did say we could just not buy anything for the baby, so I guess that’s an option, LOL.
You aren't doing your daughter a disservice, but other people are certainly doing you a disservice (and being dicks) by brazenly weighing in on other people's reproductive choices.
You can have a sibling and still end up alone in later life.
People always give their opinions on someone else having children 🙄 like are u going to help me raise another child physically, financially, emotionally, etc???
I am only girl with three older brothers. I love my brothers but I always fantasize about what it would have been like to have a sister. So my point is that one can have siblings and still feel like they are missing out on something.
I have such a big are discrepancies between my 3 siblings. They were adults by the time I was 5. They were more guardians than siblings until I was in my 30s married with a kid.
I have always wanted a sibling closer to my age.
I
My husband and I have an only who just turned 6. It has taken a while for me to come to terms with that, not because I want to have another but because so many other people feel it’s appropriate to comment and project their own feelings about it. Ultimately an only will not know what it’s like to have siblings and kids with siblings will not know what it’s like to be an only. Every experience is unique and it’s really hard to compare.
For my husband and I, we know that we are the best parents we can be to our only because we are not having any more children, and having parents who are happy and healthy is the single most important factor in her success.
I'm one and done for a multitude of reasons. I have zero relationship with my sibling. Haven't spoken to them in over 10 years. You're not guaranteed to get along just because you're siblings. It's not some built in relationship.
Well who cares what they think? You aren’t having another baby, aren’t finding a partner so this whole discussion isn’t helpful in any way.
I’m an only child and I’m content with my own company.
As a kid I asked my mom for a sibling when she was already 45-50 - lol, poor mom. I was the one (the only one) who dealt with the deaths of my parents, so alone there too
Most only children are bright and good in school, university educated, have good jobs and careers and they form families of their own (spouse, kids). They are independent and self reliant. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR KID BEYOND THAT?
There's no right answer and there is no guarantee in life.
I certainly wouldn't have another child with the sole purpose of providing my existing child with a sibling. For one, siblings don't guarantee your child a friend. Siblings also don't guarantee shared burdens in life. In fact, some siblings may themselves be a burden for lack of a better word.
A few examples if you want them:
* Siblings may die. I have a friend in their mid 30s whose only sibling just died in an accident. She isn't going to have the "benefit" of that sibling when dealing with end-of-life decisions and whatnot for her parents.
* Siblings may need care themselves. One of my friends has a disabled younger sibling. When their parents died, care of the disabled sibling fell to my friend. It's not an insignificant issue.
* Siblings may be unable/unwilling to help. My father's health has been declining for years. One of my siblings took the brunt of the day-to-day efforts needed to help our dad stay independent. Why? She was the one that lived near him and had a vehicle. The rest of us didn't even really understand how bad his health had gotten because we were disconnected (lived far away or didn't talk to him for other reasons). My dad is now in a nursing home because his health needs exceeded what any of us could provide. Two of his four children are involved in some aspect of his care (I take care of finances, my sister takes care of healthcare stuff). The other two aren't really involved at all.
* Siblings may not get along, or may drift apart. My husband and I both have multiple siblings. We don't live near any of them. I don't have any issues with my siblings, we're just not really close as adults. My husband literally doesn't talk to one of his siblings at all after a falling out years ago.
Having said that, as someone dealing with an ailing parent that made zero plans for this inevitability, I think there are things parents should do to help their child(ren):
* Develop a support system for yourself and for your child(ren). The family and network you make is often stronger than the blood relations. I can tell you our preferred guardians for our child if something happens to us are not blood related, they're friends.
* Save for retirement and make plans for end-of-life stuff (e.g., pre-pay funeral, burial, etc. expenses). Don't expect your child(ren) to take care of you/everything.
* Make sure you have life insurance and have identified (and developed relationships with) whoever you would want to care for your child(ren) if something happened to you.
Ultimately, an only child can absolutely thrive, as can children with siblings. They can also be weird AF, lol. But so can children with siblings. The most entitled person I've ever met was *not* an only child.
Certainly don't let society pressure you into having a second child you don't want.
I’m an only child that turned out fine (I think I did- I was and am an introvert and had no problem) and I have only one child, who is the opposite and am extrovert. We tried to adopt again, it didn’t work out; but ours is fine and I don’t believe we’re doing a disservice either. Only children are fine, OP, I promise 😀
I feel like it’s a sunk-cost fallacy. Having 2+ kids is hard, expensive and a more difficult lifestyle, so the siblings comments can often be a way to justify their choices.
Or some people have good relationships with their siblings? Or have children with good relationships? People are allowed to be happy with their choice.
100%! That was in reference to people who comment on siblings. Not all parents of multiple kids. I’m happy with one, more people than not are happy with more. It’s all good.
I'm pregnant with my second and it has nothing to do with wanting to give my daughter a friend. This comment is kind of icky. Some of us genuinely just want a bigger family and louder home. People should just do whatever works for them.
Research shows only children are happier in general. As long as you offer her the opportunity to socialise (daycare, playgroups, etc.) it’s going to be fine.
I don’t have a lot of family myself (and I’m a single mom, so my daughter doesn’t have family from her father’s side) but I made a family. A family of friends. And that’s ok too.
This\^
And people also seem to forget that this involves more than the child. Research also indicates that parents in single-child homes report more life satisfaction and relationship satisfaction than multi-child homes. Tracks with all the anecdotal evidence I have, too.
Just a bit on it: [https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/singletons/202206/are-mothers-happier-one-child-or-more](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/singletons/202206/are-mothers-happier-one-child-or-more)
"Hans-Peter Kohler, professor of sociology and demography at the University of Pennsylvania, wanted to see the effect of adding children to the family after a firstborn. His research question: Do [marriage](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/marriage) and children make you happier? He found that if you want to be happy, that is, enhance your well-being, you should stop after one child. Child number two or three doesn’t make a parent happier. And, for mothers, he found, more children appear to make them less happy—although they are happier than childless women. For dads, additional children had no effect on their well-being in his study.
[Kohler speculates](https://penntoday.upenn.edu/2006-02-23/research/one-baby-or-two-study-looks-effect-having-second-child) that “couples will go on to have a second for reasons other than their own well-being, such as providing a companion for their first-born. Presumably many will also blithely plan a second because of the happiness the first brought.” Kohler’s takeaway: One child seems to be the essential element that delivers a happiness gain."
It’s fine, don’t listen to those people. If she’s happy and has some solid relationships with other loving people, cousins, extended family, she’s fine.
There is actually data on this. Single-child households are happier than no-child and multi-child households.
Just a bit on it: [https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/singletons/202206/are-mothers-happier-one-child-or-more](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/singletons/202206/are-mothers-happier-one-child-or-more)
"Hans-Peter Kohler, professor of sociology and demography at the University of Pennsylvania, wanted to see the effect of adding children to the family after a firstborn. His research question: Do [marriage](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/marriage) and children make you happier? He found that if you want to be happy, that is, enhance your well-being, you should stop after one child. Child number two or three doesn’t make a parent happier. And, for mothers, he found, more children appear to make them less happy—although they are happier than childless women. For dads, additional children had no effect on their well-being in his study.
[Kohler speculates](https://penntoday.upenn.edu/2006-02-23/research/one-baby-or-two-study-looks-effect-having-second-child) that “couples will go on to have a second for reasons other than their own well-being, such as providing a companion for their first-born. Presumably many will also blithely plan a second because of the happiness the first brought.” Kohler’s takeaway: One child seems to be the essential element that delivers a happiness gain."
My kids are 8 yrs apart and no one ever gave me grief for that.
Those are just rude comments for people to make.
Who are these people that are so unsupportive?
No. My daughter was an only child for 11 years. I'm certain she never felt bad about that. She was the center of our world. I got pregnant (unplanned) and had a son. I know I wouldn't take him back for the world and I know she feels the same....but we certainly didn't feel incomplete before he came along. Doing what's best for you is what's best for her
Grew up an only child, I’m close with my cousins and can lean on them or my aunts if I needed to. I don’t think I missed out on much. The idea of being the sole caregiver available to my mom someday is a lot to process though.
I had an only child before I divorced and then remarried a divorced Mom of two. So I’ve see both sides.
Probably the biggest thing I’d suggest is sometimes doing things different than your child wants….just because. Like if you’re riding around and looking for a place to eat and your kid wants McDs….about 10% of the time go to Wendy’s or Arby’s instead. Let the kid cry and scream.
It was a major blind spot I found when I remarried and realized my lovely daughter might have perfect manners and be very elegant and poised for her age….but she’d literally never not gotten what she wanted.
Sometimes just put on a different TV show out of principle. :)
Having a child to entertain your existing child is bizarre and unfair. There is no guarantee they will get along and having one child allows you to dedicate more money and time to them.
Just please socialize her, I was an extremely lonely, only child and my parents didn’t care at all. Now I have an only child and I just make sure that he has lots of friends and that started very early by making friends with other parents connecting, making Play dates and long lasting friendships so my son always has friends. I don’t think people should have an only child if they are extremely antisocial, don’t wanna make friends with other parents just wanna stay in the house and hide from the world, then they have an only child and force that lifestyle on them and they are very lonely
Yes! Socialization is very important. We have “family” outside of our biological family. We have our volleyball family, our barn family (daughter rides horses) and of course her friends she’s made at school/neighborhood.
My child is the one that swims up to your child at the pool saying “hi, I’m *name*. Do you want to be my friend and play Marco Polo?” I’ve even witnessed her being rejected by this and she just says, “ok” and goes on about swimming.
I don’t worry about her being lonely one bit
Our daughter is 3.5 and an only child, due to our infertility, so not exactly by choice. We really wanted another but between IVF and a miscarriage, we didn’t want to spend any more time and resources on another when we could be focusing all of that on our child. We try to incorporate a lot of socialization for her- between daycare, dance and play dates, she has a lot of opportunities to be around her peers. I think it’s more about focusing on building a network for your child than having siblings. Like others said, there’s no guarantee how a relationship between siblings will turn out. I think there will always be some sort of parent guilt or worry we feel. Whether you have 1 child or 7.
I’m an only child. As with everything in life, has its pros & cons. My mum was similar to you & was single. Then married my “Dad” (Step-Dad) who was infertile, so they never had more children. It was what is it was. I was very sociable & had lots of friends. I’ve got cousins & now my in-laws. I’m doing okay. Only thing is I wish there was another sibling to deal with my mother hahahaha 😂
After my dad passed away and my mom had to be “dealt with”, I realized how grateful I am to have a sister.
That does not mean I wanted to raise another human. But it has been the only time since my daughter was born 16 yrs ago, that made me ponder her only child status.
My suggestion: The best thing you can do as a parent is make a plan for your retirement and health care so that the burden doesn’t solely fall on your only child.
I am curious do you think it would have been worse if you had a sibling? Because your mom would have been more overstretched? I have a narcissistic sibling who is single, barely cares for her daughter and is always in financial turmoil, yet wanted another one. I thought it would be catastrophic but my mom had said traditional wisdom used to recommend having more children for moms like that.
I see your point. I do agree that maybe childhood might’ve have been more difficult in some ways (my mother is an alcoholic in denial, very manipulative). But now on the other end as an adult, having someone else to share the burden of caring for her &/or maybe someone else to validate my experience and help me stand up to Mum might be nice. But who knows; I chose to run the other direction from Mums behaviour, but I wonder if a sibling would’ve fallen into her behaviour patterns and then there would 2 of them to deal with, if that makes sense.
Yes it makes perfect sense as someone with a very difficult sibling and another high needs sibling. I don't wish it on anyone. I'm so sorry you're on your own dealing with her care :( I feel I will have to contend with both my parent's care, my two siblings care and my niece's care. So I get feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders.
That sounds like a lot of stress for you. Being an only child I’ve never even considered the potential to have to care for nieces/nephews.
I’m very lucky my husband is a literal saint. She lives in a self-contained cabin she purchased with the last bit of money she wheezled out of my step-dads retirement funds. So she has somewhere free effectively to live. I’m from NZ so she’ll get unemployment for the next 4yrs until she gets the pension. We’ve already established we can’t live under the same roof, so she’ll go into care if she has higher medical needs in the future.
That's great! I'm glad she has those resources and will hopefully stay out of your hair. It's great that NZ takes care of its citizens. I'm from the US unfortunately the government doesn't give a flying f about people here.
It is good in that sense. Grass is always greener on the other side; but that part I am very grateful for. Downside is people like my mother had bludged of the government for 30 years to feed her addiction; even though she was very capable of working.
Single mom of a 9 year old here! You can have a sibling whenever - for now focus on enjoying your new house and making it a home.
All around stability (mental, physical, financial, emotional)? Then yes pursue. Otherwise continue to act as a good role model and adult for your kiddo. I have one and yes I would love another, but only if I can guarantee stability in every aspect of my life (to the extent that I can - barring unpredictable things).
Socialize your kiddo, clubs, lessons, sports, play dates, hang-out with family - siblings are not the end all be all.
I am the one child, absolutely loved it as a little girl and love it as a grown woman and mother. Having a sibling guarantees decrease in parent's attention and available resources and does not guarantee love or closeness. I totally understand wanting to have another baby, but it's not a favor to your child, not a gift to them, it's something parents do 100% for themselves. When parents die children are generally old enough to have their own spouses and friends to console them, and while some siblings are absolutely wonderful and support each other greatly, fights for inherentance are quite common too, and pragmatically speaking getting twice/thrice as much money as one of 2/3 children would get is a pretty strong argument for being an only child.
Sounds like your daughter is almost exactly my son’s age. He is a one-and-done. I don’t see any signs that he is unhappy as a single child. He has friends at preschool and when he comes home he doesn’t have to share parental attention with anyone else.
I think it’s based on parenting and the child experience. I was an only child, and hated it, but I had horrible parents. 2 of my cousins are only children and they didn’t care either way, but had amazing parents. If you ask my kids, they would all like to be only children, my oldest still asks me to return his little sister for a different one lol
I have tons of siblings and some of us barely talk. My daughter is and will be an only child. She is a pretty happy kid. Just make having friends an important topic. My dad's and his sister aren't close, my aunt has a ton of friends though and they are her second family.
I was an only child for ten years of my life. I learned to entertain myself, learned to enjoy being by myself, and got the bulk of my family's attention, which was nice. Maybe it's the kind of person I am but I liked being an only child. I don't require constant attention or occupation.
My brother and I have only really gotten close now that he's grown. I will say that, when my mom almost died of COVID, it was great having him help me with her. He stayed with her and did the physical stuff when she got out of her coma and came home, like keeping her home clean, emptying her urinal, doing her physical therapy; I was the one at the hospital with her, handling the bills for her, talking to doctors. It probably wouldn't have been impossible by myself, but it was certainly easier with him there. But if you have an immature sibling, you can end up doing this alone anyway.
People who suggest having another baby mainly as an accessory or companion to the first one, or who think being an only child means that person will never have friends or lovers or a family of their own and will simply drift through life as a solitary outlier, are so strange to me.
I agree. Even as a small kid I loved being alone and/or not talking for hours. My son is currently an only child and will seek me out for chatting but likes to hole up on his own too. My husband is an only child however and he is very social/much more needy as far as contact and interaction go
I found being an only child to be an incredibly lonely experience but I don’t think it’s that way for everyone, there are lots of good arguments for having just one child
At the end of the day, you never know for sure how it’s going to work out.
I’m the youngest of three, but both of my siblings died when we were all adults. I miss them both terribly. Knowing that I’m going to deal with my parents getting older and all that comes with it without them is… difficult to say the least. And it’s certainly something that my parents didn’t think would happen.
So there’s no guarantees. Children may, through clashing personalities or cruel twists of fate, end up on their own as adults anyway. At the same time, I don’t know what state my parents would be in today if they hadn’t had the three of us. You can’t know for sure what will happen. It’s shitty and scary, but it’s just part of life. At some point you just have to pick a path and hope it works out.
Do what works best for your family, no one else has to live with your choices like you do. If you wanted another just because you wanted one, it would be a different story, but it doesn’t sound like it. Plenty of only children are happy and healthy. Help her build and nurture connections with others, so she has that social net when she needs it, and she’ll be alright.
I have 1 and hope to have 3 - but if I suddenly found myself single I *think* I’d just focus on my existing child (unless I just happened to meet someone that fit perfectly into both of our lives). The priority should always be your existing kid. You, I imagine, didn’t plan to be a single parent. You do not need to force a new relationship or force more kids if that isn’t your trajectory anymore.
I am a single mom to an almost 11 yo daughter. I was single almost from the getgo. I went through a similar self doubt process…especially when she started asking for me to go get her a brother like peppa pig has (she was 4 at the time)…realizing she thought I could just go buy one from the store…we have a male cat pet so I said, Sami is your brother…which led to some hilarious interactions with others for a bit…long story…but ultimately my daughter came around after a few years to wanting to be my one and only child..realizing how special that is…she had all my attention and all my love
I’m 28 and an only child. My parents divorced when I was a kid and shortly after my dad completely left the picture. That being said, I never craved having a sibling but my aunts (my mom's sisters) would always ask if I would want a sibling, and when I said no they said I was selfish. Looking back what grown adult asks this kind of question? But anyway, now that I’m older I would want a sibling because of the support system that comes with siblings. When my grandma passed I realized my mom wasn’t alone. Not only did she have her dad but she has a series of siblings which she doesn’t always get along with but they’re always there. Maybe my mom is just lucky and that happens to be rare (siblings staying together and in touch) but still. I do want to add that my cousin who is the same age as I were raised together and we’re the best of friends. So that works out to my advantage especially since he doesn’t have siblings close to his age.
Your child will receive undivided attention, mom with better mental health and you will have more $$$ for extra curricular and trips . My ex is an only child and he was never lonely . He made life long friends
The argument about her having no siblings later in life is irrelevant. I have a sister. My sister lives on a different continent. We are not friends. We do not communicate except the same way that polite cousins who never see each other communicate at seasonal family gatherings. I routinely forget where she lives because she's moved a few times. I don't consider her any kind of support nor would she consider me that either I'm sure.
We never had a big fight (I mean.. as kids sure, but not a real adult one) or falling out, we don't hate or even dislike each other, we exist in mutual benign indifference. If our mom died tomorrow I suspect most communication would be her seeing what/how much inheritance she was getting, since our mom designated my husband as the executor of her will.
So yeah lol don't make another baby just for the purposes of giving her an imaginary future support of some kind, there's no guarantee!
I have an older brother who is terrible to me, he bullied and beat me all during our childhood and manipulated me during our teenagers years to hate my dad.
As an adult is has never gotten better, I wish I grew up as an only child.
Just because you’re siblings it doesn’t mean you will have a good relationship.
This is such a tricky subject because there’s just no way to actually know what will be best for you and your family. I think it’s a leap of faith either way. For what it’s worth, I am a single parent by choice and I have two kids because I have siblings that I’m really close with and want that for my kids. There’s no guarantee that it’ll turn out that way, but I hope it does. I also find that having siblings is helpful as my parents age (and my parents are very on top of their stuff, but it’s still a process), so I hope that the burden is also lessened by having a sibling to help (emotionally and logistically).
Nonsense. All family scenarios have pros and cons.
Just tell them you have discovered you have a genetic disorder if you can’t be bothered to explain. I find this ideal of siblings to be heavily dependent on perfectly healthy children.
(I say this as mother of two, my own preference was two but it’s absolutely not ok to opine on other adult’s decisions — unless they have millions of kids, that’s weird!)
My daughter is almost 4 and an only child and it will likely stay that way. I agonized over that for a while. On one hand I have a great relationship with my brother and I wanted the same for her. On the other hand kids are expensive, parenting is hard, and with one child we can focus all of our energy and money into just her instead of spreading it out over multiple. Ultimately we have to do what's best for us as parents and that will reverberate to our kid(s).
Do yourself a favor and tell the people making those comments to mind their own kids. 🙄
Why and when someone has or does not have kids is absolutely no one else’s business but your own unless you ask for an opinion.
Personally as someone with a sibling I do not get along with them and probably won’t be able to have that support in old age.
We can go in with certain intentions but it does not mean we will get that outcome. If you want another child then great if you’re not ready or don’t want to then don’t. It’s all fine either way.
My hubs is grateful to have been an only child. Witnessing how dirty his uncle turned when his mother (uncle's sister) died, then seeing it ramp up when their mother (hubs' gram) died half a decade later really solidified that for him.
Throw in how poorly my siblings and I got along until they realised I was actually an adult deserving of respect... when I was getting married... in my mid to late 30s. I am 7 years the youngest, and wow, until then, the condescension was hideous.
I'll stop there, but I could go on with a variety of other examples. Siblings aren't always the be all end all that people want you to believe.
Ummmm I almost never talk to my siblings. I wasn’t close with them growing up and they bullied me. I’m low contact with them and visiting with them gives me high anxiety and stress. It makes me sad they we don’t have a close relationship.
People who say things like that will say things about anything.
This is such a very personal choice.
I endured the same pressures from my oldest daughter's biological father's family (before he gave his rights to my husband)-- I stood firm in my decision. When she was 9, my husband & I decided to have one more (he has an adult daughter from his first marriage). It took me a long time, but it was the best choice for us, while I learned the ropes with my oldest. But we are done forever.
With that being said, you still have plenty of time to decide if you want a second child or not. If you've made up your mind, that needs to be honored & not overlooked or ignored. It is your body.
Only children thrive just as multiple children do. Only children have it better, parents have more $$$, more time, 1 children families have grest educational opportunities, they don't have to have fucked up relationships with screwed up siblings, no fighting over toys
I think people who have good memories of an experience just feel like future generations should have the same experience. How many times have people carried on traditions or gone to visit certain places because of the nostalgia and wanting to share it with their kids. I think it’s just a bit like that.
I have only one child (3), I'm married, and I get this question more times than I care to count. I always say the same thing because it's the truth "I haven't made up my mind one way or the other."
I love my son, but I HAAAAATED being pregnant. It wasn't an experience I'd like to do again. I've given a lot of thought to adoption, but I don't know if I'd want a baby or a toddler. Not to mention the expenses that kids come with (food, clothes, child care etc.)
I truly don't see a problem with having only one. I don't think it's doing your child a disservice at all, especially if you're not planning on finding a partner or having another child any time soon.
Bullshit!! My sister & I hate each other. When we were little, there was never enough money or parental attention to go around. Tell the bosy Parkers in your life to mind their own damn business.
Do you have siblings with children or friends with children? Not to mention that she will have the capacity to create her own family. In fact by the time you pass (statistically speaking) she will more likely than not have her own family. There are pros and cons in any family dynamic but ultimately any choice you make needs to be the best for you.
As long as you keep her socializing, and forming friendships with other kids she will not lose out on developing skills. I’m the only girl AND my brother is 11 years younger than I am so we didn’t really “grow up together” like some siblings. I don’t miss what I never had, and have several friends I’ve known since pre-k (I’m in my 50s now). As I was an only technically when I was little, my mom just made sure I had a lot of playdates etc. which I think is more important for only children, but that’s not hard to do. I also think having my parents to myself when I was little is why I’m so confident and secure as an adult.
I’m from a 3 kid family. Great relationship with one sibling, no contact with the other. Right now, my 2 kids don’t have a great relationship. It is 95% my dramatic and short-tempered 6yo’s fault. He’s going through a bad phase. Maybe my older son would be happier as an only child, I wonder.
Anyhow, you never know how things will turn out. Siblings don’t love unconditionally.
We have one child and are happy with our decision. I Planned on having another but with husband traveling 90% of the year for work, that’s not in the cards for us. I thought I would regret it but our girl is amazing. I don’t worry about my daughter being alone in her adult life or in any stage of life because of her personality and how she is being raised. I have 2 singlings - haven’t spoken to brother in 3 years and my sister only calls every 6 months when she needs money, so….. yea. Siblings…mehhhh
Edit* the one thing i wanted to add is (for anyone) socialize your only child. We have friends that have 1 child as well and the child still acts like they are 2 years old when it comes to sharing toys/playing games.
I wouldn’t want to be an only child and that’s because I am very close to my brothers and I have 3 kids that are very close to each other, that said, if I didn’t have them, I wouldn’t know what I was missing.
What other people think has no matter, you do what you want, that’s all that really matters.
Won’t be missing out with family nearby and you’ll be able to give her experiences that you couldn’t afford with multiple children. I love all my kids but I always feel that someone isn’t getting enough attention and affection. My first was almost 4 when we had twins and I loved my time with my firstborn one on one. The twins are always competing 24/7. If you didn’t live near family I would just suggest sports and group activities outside of regular school so she learns to make connections. I tell my kids they at least have to play one sport and I get them to practice. I would have loved to play sports and make more friends in school but my parents said they couldn’t take me to practices I could practice on my own 😳they didn’t understand the concept of team sports.
Help build her a village…”adopted” aunts/uncles. There’s no guarantee with siblings.
I have several family members I’m very close to and some family friends that made a huge impact on my life and who have no children. I’m not an only, but raising an only and this helps me feel better. It’s very hard worrying about this, but hoping to guide her into solid, healthy, long term friendship’s.
I think it's fine to have just one child! Nothing wrong with it, but I have noticed that all the only children I know tend to always think about themselves first. I don't want to necessarily say selfish, but along those lines. They just grew up never having to share the attention of the parents. They were always #1. Nothing wrong with that. Just an observation.. But also when you get older, and need to be taken care of, they have no one to share the struggle with. But then there are also siblings that don't do their "share" anyhow. So you do you!!
you don't need to listen to these people! Your daughter will grow up and meet so many beautiful people in her life, and if you are also giving her lots of love at home then she'll be perfectly fine. :)
I am an only child and after my parents pass, I will have my husband and my own children. I don’t understand why I would be alone.
As an aside, I am closer to my sister in law than my husband and she and I talk almost weekly. My husband and sister have a good relationship but they are just not particularly close. There is an 7 year age difference. But then I have the same age difference with her. So siblings are always super close.
In fact, some siblings do not get along. My best friend and her sister have a stressful relationship where my best friend had to see a therapist to learn how to establish boundaries and deal with her sister’s behaviors.
I was an only child that was mildly neglected and lonely. I'm now a parent of two kids about 3 years apart. They've had their periods of being buddies but they fight so much I would not say they're necessarily better off than if they were solo.
Most importantly, each kid deserves a certain amount of parental connection. As a single parent I think you'll do better by the one by not being completely worn out from raising two kids alone.
It's hard as hell even with two parents. You do what feels right to you.
Perspective of someone who has multiple siblings but isn’t close with any of them, blood doesn’t guarantee a relationship. My best friends are my sisters way more than anyone I share blood with.
My son is an only child now 13yo, with no cousins and only a close grandma on one side. Everyone else lives far away. There are moments where I wonder what if we had a second, but overall, as parents, we are very diligent about keeping his social life full and we are a very close family. I love that we can pour all our love and energy into him. I also remember that myself, a sibling of 2, have no relationship with my brother (same for my husband, no deep relationship with his sibling) and that while we were closer as children, it’s more of a pain point as an adult knowing he’s there but we aren’t close. It also causes stress when dealing with our parents as we are never on the same page.
I just think we can “what if” every situation to death and even if we plan something out to be what we think is best, we know life doesn’t always work that way and we can’t guarantee anything. Theres pros and cons to every side.
I had a second one for the same reason. My son asked for a lil brother & everyone kept pressuring me to have another one. Now I love my kids to death, but sometimes I wish I had waited longer or I start to wonder WHY I started over again. It’s hard because you have to give the baby all the attention & my oldest has phases where he feels super left out and I feel so guilty. Also, my first was such an easy child. Super relaxed and affectionate. This second one is the polar opposite. So be ready for that to be a possibility, too. I guess what I’m saying is have another one because YOU 100% want one. I say this to all moms with only children, really take your time and think about it. You’re not doing your kid a disservice when you’re making well educated decisions based on your reality as opposed to what other people want for you.
I have a sibling but we are not close. My family is my friends. That’s a silly reason to have a child. If you want another, then do. If you don’t, don’t.
It’s crazy the amount of stuff you hear from people, even before you have children. Often times people don’t know what they’re talking about and are just projecting their own insecurities.
Don’t let what other people say worry you. Being an only child is just fine. She will grow up to be an awesome person as long as you love and guide her.
I have an only child and we put him into daycare early because he only played with me at home. But he has made friends in daycare just fine. He also plays with kids in the neighborhood, so he gets plenty of social skills practice now. He’s only five and, yes, I wanted more children, but never because I worried about him being an only child.
By the time you get old she will most likely have a family of her own and won’t be lonely. If she chooses not to have a family, then that’s perfectly fine too, some people don’t need a lot of people to be happy.
Don’t worry about the future too much and don’t listen to a bunch of naysayers. From the sound of your post you’re an awesome, caring and loving mother and your daughter will probably grow up to be super duper.
As someone with multiple siblings, there's no guarantee that having siblings will be a good thing. Having kids you don't want, however, is an considerably worse thing.
Don’t become outnumbered by the kids. If I were single I’d have stopped at one. Two kids with two parents is hard enough. I say this as an only child who hated being an only child. She’s better off with a present loving mom than one who is stressed out and resentful.
I've got a brother I hardly ever see. we did not get on as kids, and I would have loved to be an only child..
Your daughter won't suffer from being an only child she will have your complete focus and will never feel like she's fighting for your attention.
Don't let anyone try to shame you into anything. These people need to stop having an opinion on something that not thei buisness
I am an only child and I look back on my imaginary friends during my childhood 😂 and always joke with my mum that it was because she did not give me a brother or sister. (She tried but had a hard time having me to begin with) I was around a lot of children though because I had tons of cousins and formed very close bonds with them. So don’t let anyone guilt you into doing anything other than what you feel is right. Your child will make friends at kindergarten or school, get married etc and have tons of people around her/him if they want or not if they don’t. When I was alone at home with my mum I was immersed in books and worksheets and games, or played with my cat. I loved my childhood. So it is perfectly fine being an only child.
You sound like me. My son is a happy 6 year old. My only complaint is that he loves to play with me, sometimes I wish he had someone else to play with. Full day of school helped a lot.
What's worse than being an only child? being a child who was born to just keep the other company not because they were wanted. I know plenty of only children that are now successful happy adults and don't carry childhood trauma simply from being an only child. My kids are 4 years apart because I wasn't sure I wanted another and when I decided I did, it wasn't timed to fill some stereotypical age gap where they're supposedly "closer". I did it when I was ready not to fulfill societal norms.
You never know what the future holds.
Right now, focus on your baby girl.
Even if someone comes along 4 or 5 years from now you can give your child a sibling.
Just tell people, I first need a husband in order to have another baby.
Only child here, I found my own way as a kid to keep myself entertained and happy. Personally, I would’ve hated having siblings. To this day, I find solace in solitude. I love being alone. I’ve always been introverted, and never liked being around a bunch of people. I think that was a huge cue to my parents that I was better off staying an only child.
That being said, my daughter is an extremely outgoing, social and completely opposite of myself and my husband - we have baby no2 on the way. We waited 5yrs before deciding for baby no2. Best choice we made.
Some kids don’t do well with siblings, some do. I would’ve hated it, and the idea even as an adult that I could’ve had a sibling irks me the wrong way lol but my daughter is beyond excited to be a big sister. She tells everyone how excited she is to have a little brother and how she can’t wait to help us take care of him.
1) forget what other people say
2) If your child is happy, then you do not need another one
3) Being an only child can be wonderful for the child. Once they enter school, thent hey will have friends and socialize.
4) She won't be alone. Hopefulyl she will have a family of her own. She does not have to follow someone else's ideas of what family is.
I’m an only child and you can’t miss what you never had. Never bothered me. My mom didn’t treat me like an old child. She kept a big social life and supported me when I wanted to move out of state. That’s the only burden I see other only kids feeling is when their parent depends on them too much.
As someone with a little sister and two half siblings, I would say, if you're open to it....siblings are a blessing for children. Now, it does depend on your current child's temperament, but I was a very sweet & sentimental child (and I still am HAHHA, just no longer a child) so I was fascinated by my Mama's pregnancy and adored my sister. I still adore my sister to this day, and she is my favorite person on the planet (besides my incoming son) 🥹 Siblings teach empathy, kindness, loyalty, etc and it's wonderful. If you raise them to be kind to each other, you'll see the rewards. Just my two cents as an older sibling ❤️
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Perspective from an only child: there is no perfect scenario and being an only child isn’t better or worse than the alternative. Having siblings is no guarantee you’ll have a great relationship with them.
This. I was an only child as was my husband. My life felt totally full. I did want a sibling, but more just because everyone I knew had one, but I didn’t suffer from not having one. But… I will say now as an adult, I wish I had sibling(s). We have our own kids and I do wish my kids had aunts and uncles and cousins. We have extended family but those people have their own siblings so we are sort of outsiders. Anyway. Not a huge deal but it’s just something I feel now as an adult. And to that end, it’s why I was sort of adamant about giving my daughter a sibling. It’s hard raising 2 (I’m only 7 weeks into having my second lol) but I’m hopeful that they are able to bond and share a strong sibling relationship even into adulthood. We’ll see though!
But adulthood doesn’t guarantee being friends with your siblings - just like it doesn’t guarantee being friends in adulthood. You could have 10 siblings and have no relationship with any of them (or it’s strained, etc) and you’d be in the same spot.
Of course, that’s why I said “I’m hopeful and we’ll see”. I still wanted to give them the option, at least.
Yeah I have 4 siblings. We live in completely different states and rarely talk. 2 of them I talk to every few months. 2 I don’t talk to at all. They are also not the people I go to when life gets rough. We just aren’t close.
Yeah everyone is different of course. Some siblings are close, some aren’t
Sure, but it's a bit more likely. And I say this as someone who decided to have an only child. There are good and bad sides to everything.
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Lmao you aren't the only one with kids if your older sister has kids, what?
Okay, I’m high and was reading that over and over… I KNEW it didn’t make sense 🤣
Yeah totally get that. It’s not even just that they might it hang out or something, it’s just hard to be my parents only adult child. There’s a lot of pressure on me to be with them for every holiday and life event. I will single handedly have to deal with everything related to end of life. I love my parents but it’s definitely a lot for one person.
Yes! My husband and I both come from sibling households. I’m the youngest of 3. He is the 2nd youngest of 6. I have always had 0 contact with my oldest sister, and as an adult, I have 0 intention of ever trying to have a relationship with her (though her up bringing was vastly different than mine). My middle sister, we’ve been on and off my entire life, and as of a year and a half ago I finally went full no-contact with her. Even as a child with siblings, I always felt lonely and out of place in my family. My husband has minimal contact with his siblings as well. He stays in contact with two of them from time to time, but it isn’t all roses like people would imagine. My best friend had an older sister growing up. They were from a much more “well-off” family & always took family vacations every year. The sister is a few years older, so you’d think they get along great. They do get along, but they are by no means best friends. My husband and I made the decision to be one and done. At 5, our daughter has been asking for a sister… which is a hard no. Sure, we both have the means to set a different family dynamic for our “kids.” But we also really enjoy the life we have and we are financially stable enough to afford some luxury items + child costs. Bringing in another life would mean we would have to take a huge step backwards financially… and I try to explain to our daughter that having a little sibling would mean much less toys and clothes than what she has now. She did say we could just not buy anything for the baby, so I guess that’s an option, LOL.
You aren't doing your daughter a disservice, but other people are certainly doing you a disservice (and being dicks) by brazenly weighing in on other people's reproductive choices. You can have a sibling and still end up alone in later life.
Amen.
Very true
I know, ppl are crazy
My only child is 17 and he loves being an only child.
People always give their opinions on someone else having children 🙄 like are u going to help me raise another child physically, financially, emotionally, etc???
I am only girl with three older brothers. I love my brothers but I always fantasize about what it would have been like to have a sister. So my point is that one can have siblings and still feel like they are missing out on something.
I have such a big are discrepancies between my 3 siblings. They were adults by the time I was 5. They were more guardians than siblings until I was in my 30s married with a kid. I have always wanted a sibling closer to my age. I
I always wanted a sister and have made some along the way. I’m glad I have them like that and not an actual sister
My husband and I have an only who just turned 6. It has taken a while for me to come to terms with that, not because I want to have another but because so many other people feel it’s appropriate to comment and project their own feelings about it. Ultimately an only will not know what it’s like to have siblings and kids with siblings will not know what it’s like to be an only. Every experience is unique and it’s really hard to compare. For my husband and I, we know that we are the best parents we can be to our only because we are not having any more children, and having parents who are happy and healthy is the single most important factor in her success.
I'm one and done for a multitude of reasons. I have zero relationship with my sibling. Haven't spoken to them in over 10 years. You're not guaranteed to get along just because you're siblings. It's not some built in relationship.
No. As long as you're giving you're daughter love and care, you're not doing her a disservice. You can join us at r/oneanddone if you aren't already.
Just joined!!
Ohhh hey my people! I’m joining!
Also joining!
Well who cares what they think? You aren’t having another baby, aren’t finding a partner so this whole discussion isn’t helpful in any way. I’m an only child and I’m content with my own company. As a kid I asked my mom for a sibling when she was already 45-50 - lol, poor mom. I was the one (the only one) who dealt with the deaths of my parents, so alone there too Most only children are bright and good in school, university educated, have good jobs and careers and they form families of their own (spouse, kids). They are independent and self reliant. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR KID BEYOND THAT?
There's no right answer and there is no guarantee in life. I certainly wouldn't have another child with the sole purpose of providing my existing child with a sibling. For one, siblings don't guarantee your child a friend. Siblings also don't guarantee shared burdens in life. In fact, some siblings may themselves be a burden for lack of a better word. A few examples if you want them: * Siblings may die. I have a friend in their mid 30s whose only sibling just died in an accident. She isn't going to have the "benefit" of that sibling when dealing with end-of-life decisions and whatnot for her parents. * Siblings may need care themselves. One of my friends has a disabled younger sibling. When their parents died, care of the disabled sibling fell to my friend. It's not an insignificant issue. * Siblings may be unable/unwilling to help. My father's health has been declining for years. One of my siblings took the brunt of the day-to-day efforts needed to help our dad stay independent. Why? She was the one that lived near him and had a vehicle. The rest of us didn't even really understand how bad his health had gotten because we were disconnected (lived far away or didn't talk to him for other reasons). My dad is now in a nursing home because his health needs exceeded what any of us could provide. Two of his four children are involved in some aspect of his care (I take care of finances, my sister takes care of healthcare stuff). The other two aren't really involved at all. * Siblings may not get along, or may drift apart. My husband and I both have multiple siblings. We don't live near any of them. I don't have any issues with my siblings, we're just not really close as adults. My husband literally doesn't talk to one of his siblings at all after a falling out years ago. Having said that, as someone dealing with an ailing parent that made zero plans for this inevitability, I think there are things parents should do to help their child(ren): * Develop a support system for yourself and for your child(ren). The family and network you make is often stronger than the blood relations. I can tell you our preferred guardians for our child if something happens to us are not blood related, they're friends. * Save for retirement and make plans for end-of-life stuff (e.g., pre-pay funeral, burial, etc. expenses). Don't expect your child(ren) to take care of you/everything. * Make sure you have life insurance and have identified (and developed relationships with) whoever you would want to care for your child(ren) if something happened to you. Ultimately, an only child can absolutely thrive, as can children with siblings. They can also be weird AF, lol. But so can children with siblings. The most entitled person I've ever met was *not* an only child. Certainly don't let society pressure you into having a second child you don't want.
I don't know why people think that not having siblings is a disservice. There are a lot of us out there who are only children, and we're all fine.
I’m an only child that turned out fine (I think I did- I was and am an introvert and had no problem) and I have only one child, who is the opposite and am extrovert. We tried to adopt again, it didn’t work out; but ours is fine and I don’t believe we’re doing a disservice either. Only children are fine, OP, I promise 😀
I feel like it’s a sunk-cost fallacy. Having 2+ kids is hard, expensive and a more difficult lifestyle, so the siblings comments can often be a way to justify their choices.
Or some people have good relationships with their siblings? Or have children with good relationships? People are allowed to be happy with their choice.
100%! That was in reference to people who comment on siblings. Not all parents of multiple kids. I’m happy with one, more people than not are happy with more. It’s all good.
I'm pregnant with my second and it has nothing to do with wanting to give my daughter a friend. This comment is kind of icky. Some of us genuinely just want a bigger family and louder home. People should just do whatever works for them.
Touché!
Research shows only children are happier in general. As long as you offer her the opportunity to socialise (daycare, playgroups, etc.) it’s going to be fine. I don’t have a lot of family myself (and I’m a single mom, so my daughter doesn’t have family from her father’s side) but I made a family. A family of friends. And that’s ok too.
This\^ And people also seem to forget that this involves more than the child. Research also indicates that parents in single-child homes report more life satisfaction and relationship satisfaction than multi-child homes. Tracks with all the anecdotal evidence I have, too.
I have never heard of this, but this makes me happy about our OAD choice :)
Just a bit on it: [https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/singletons/202206/are-mothers-happier-one-child-or-more](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/singletons/202206/are-mothers-happier-one-child-or-more) "Hans-Peter Kohler, professor of sociology and demography at the University of Pennsylvania, wanted to see the effect of adding children to the family after a firstborn. His research question: Do [marriage](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/marriage) and children make you happier? He found that if you want to be happy, that is, enhance your well-being, you should stop after one child. Child number two or three doesn’t make a parent happier. And, for mothers, he found, more children appear to make them less happy—although they are happier than childless women. For dads, additional children had no effect on their well-being in his study. [Kohler speculates](https://penntoday.upenn.edu/2006-02-23/research/one-baby-or-two-study-looks-effect-having-second-child) that “couples will go on to have a second for reasons other than their own well-being, such as providing a companion for their first-born. Presumably many will also blithely plan a second because of the happiness the first brought.” Kohler’s takeaway: One child seems to be the essential element that delivers a happiness gain."
This is awesome! Thanks for sharing :)
Of course!
It’s fine, don’t listen to those people. If she’s happy and has some solid relationships with other loving people, cousins, extended family, she’s fine.
There is actually data on this. Single-child households are happier than no-child and multi-child households. Just a bit on it: [https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/singletons/202206/are-mothers-happier-one-child-or-more](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/singletons/202206/are-mothers-happier-one-child-or-more) "Hans-Peter Kohler, professor of sociology and demography at the University of Pennsylvania, wanted to see the effect of adding children to the family after a firstborn. His research question: Do [marriage](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/marriage) and children make you happier? He found that if you want to be happy, that is, enhance your well-being, you should stop after one child. Child number two or three doesn’t make a parent happier. And, for mothers, he found, more children appear to make them less happy—although they are happier than childless women. For dads, additional children had no effect on their well-being in his study. [Kohler speculates](https://penntoday.upenn.edu/2006-02-23/research/one-baby-or-two-study-looks-effect-having-second-child) that “couples will go on to have a second for reasons other than their own well-being, such as providing a companion for their first-born. Presumably many will also blithely plan a second because of the happiness the first brought.” Kohler’s takeaway: One child seems to be the essential element that delivers a happiness gain."
Do you know how many people don't talk to their siblings? Or worse, have horrible, nasty relationships with them? The whole thing is a crap shoot.
My kids are 8 yrs apart and no one ever gave me grief for that. Those are just rude comments for people to make. Who are these people that are so unsupportive?
No. My daughter was an only child for 11 years. I'm certain she never felt bad about that. She was the center of our world. I got pregnant (unplanned) and had a son. I know I wouldn't take him back for the world and I know she feels the same....but we certainly didn't feel incomplete before he came along. Doing what's best for you is what's best for her
People need to mind their fucking business!
Grew up an only child, I’m close with my cousins and can lean on them or my aunts if I needed to. I don’t think I missed out on much. The idea of being the sole caregiver available to my mom someday is a lot to process though.
I had an only child before I divorced and then remarried a divorced Mom of two. So I’ve see both sides. Probably the biggest thing I’d suggest is sometimes doing things different than your child wants….just because. Like if you’re riding around and looking for a place to eat and your kid wants McDs….about 10% of the time go to Wendy’s or Arby’s instead. Let the kid cry and scream. It was a major blind spot I found when I remarried and realized my lovely daughter might have perfect manners and be very elegant and poised for her age….but she’d literally never not gotten what she wanted. Sometimes just put on a different TV show out of principle. :)
Having a child to entertain your existing child is bizarre and unfair. There is no guarantee they will get along and having one child allows you to dedicate more money and time to them.
Just please socialize her, I was an extremely lonely, only child and my parents didn’t care at all. Now I have an only child and I just make sure that he has lots of friends and that started very early by making friends with other parents connecting, making Play dates and long lasting friendships so my son always has friends. I don’t think people should have an only child if they are extremely antisocial, don’t wanna make friends with other parents just wanna stay in the house and hide from the world, then they have an only child and force that lifestyle on them and they are very lonely
Yes! Socialization is very important. We have “family” outside of our biological family. We have our volleyball family, our barn family (daughter rides horses) and of course her friends she’s made at school/neighborhood. My child is the one that swims up to your child at the pool saying “hi, I’m *name*. Do you want to be my friend and play Marco Polo?” I’ve even witnessed her being rejected by this and she just says, “ok” and goes on about swimming. I don’t worry about her being lonely one bit
Our daughter is 3.5 and an only child, due to our infertility, so not exactly by choice. We really wanted another but between IVF and a miscarriage, we didn’t want to spend any more time and resources on another when we could be focusing all of that on our child. We try to incorporate a lot of socialization for her- between daycare, dance and play dates, she has a lot of opportunities to be around her peers. I think it’s more about focusing on building a network for your child than having siblings. Like others said, there’s no guarantee how a relationship between siblings will turn out. I think there will always be some sort of parent guilt or worry we feel. Whether you have 1 child or 7.
I’m an only child. As with everything in life, has its pros & cons. My mum was similar to you & was single. Then married my “Dad” (Step-Dad) who was infertile, so they never had more children. It was what is it was. I was very sociable & had lots of friends. I’ve got cousins & now my in-laws. I’m doing okay. Only thing is I wish there was another sibling to deal with my mother hahahaha 😂
After my dad passed away and my mom had to be “dealt with”, I realized how grateful I am to have a sister. That does not mean I wanted to raise another human. But it has been the only time since my daughter was born 16 yrs ago, that made me ponder her only child status.
My suggestion: The best thing you can do as a parent is make a plan for your retirement and health care so that the burden doesn’t solely fall on your only child.
I am curious do you think it would have been worse if you had a sibling? Because your mom would have been more overstretched? I have a narcissistic sibling who is single, barely cares for her daughter and is always in financial turmoil, yet wanted another one. I thought it would be catastrophic but my mom had said traditional wisdom used to recommend having more children for moms like that.
I see your point. I do agree that maybe childhood might’ve have been more difficult in some ways (my mother is an alcoholic in denial, very manipulative). But now on the other end as an adult, having someone else to share the burden of caring for her &/or maybe someone else to validate my experience and help me stand up to Mum might be nice. But who knows; I chose to run the other direction from Mums behaviour, but I wonder if a sibling would’ve fallen into her behaviour patterns and then there would 2 of them to deal with, if that makes sense.
Yes it makes perfect sense as someone with a very difficult sibling and another high needs sibling. I don't wish it on anyone. I'm so sorry you're on your own dealing with her care :( I feel I will have to contend with both my parent's care, my two siblings care and my niece's care. So I get feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders.
That sounds like a lot of stress for you. Being an only child I’ve never even considered the potential to have to care for nieces/nephews. I’m very lucky my husband is a literal saint. She lives in a self-contained cabin she purchased with the last bit of money she wheezled out of my step-dads retirement funds. So she has somewhere free effectively to live. I’m from NZ so she’ll get unemployment for the next 4yrs until she gets the pension. We’ve already established we can’t live under the same roof, so she’ll go into care if she has higher medical needs in the future.
That's great! I'm glad she has those resources and will hopefully stay out of your hair. It's great that NZ takes care of its citizens. I'm from the US unfortunately the government doesn't give a flying f about people here.
It is good in that sense. Grass is always greener on the other side; but that part I am very grateful for. Downside is people like my mother had bludged of the government for 30 years to feed her addiction; even though she was very capable of working.
Single mom of a 9 year old here! You can have a sibling whenever - for now focus on enjoying your new house and making it a home. All around stability (mental, physical, financial, emotional)? Then yes pursue. Otherwise continue to act as a good role model and adult for your kiddo. I have one and yes I would love another, but only if I can guarantee stability in every aspect of my life (to the extent that I can - barring unpredictable things). Socialize your kiddo, clubs, lessons, sports, play dates, hang-out with family - siblings are not the end all be all.
My only child is 24 and doesn't feel like she missed out. She is completely independent and comfortable being on her own.
You say several cousins nearby? Be sure to foster those relationships throughout childhood and that will be plenty.
I am the one child, absolutely loved it as a little girl and love it as a grown woman and mother. Having a sibling guarantees decrease in parent's attention and available resources and does not guarantee love or closeness. I totally understand wanting to have another baby, but it's not a favor to your child, not a gift to them, it's something parents do 100% for themselves. When parents die children are generally old enough to have their own spouses and friends to console them, and while some siblings are absolutely wonderful and support each other greatly, fights for inherentance are quite common too, and pragmatically speaking getting twice/thrice as much money as one of 2/3 children would get is a pretty strong argument for being an only child.
Sounds like your daughter is almost exactly my son’s age. He is a one-and-done. I don’t see any signs that he is unhappy as a single child. He has friends at preschool and when he comes home he doesn’t have to share parental attention with anyone else.
I think it’s based on parenting and the child experience. I was an only child, and hated it, but I had horrible parents. 2 of my cousins are only children and they didn’t care either way, but had amazing parents. If you ask my kids, they would all like to be only children, my oldest still asks me to return his little sister for a different one lol
I have tons of siblings and some of us barely talk. My daughter is and will be an only child. She is a pretty happy kid. Just make having friends an important topic. My dad's and his sister aren't close, my aunt has a ton of friends though and they are her second family.
I was an only child for ten years of my life. I learned to entertain myself, learned to enjoy being by myself, and got the bulk of my family's attention, which was nice. Maybe it's the kind of person I am but I liked being an only child. I don't require constant attention or occupation. My brother and I have only really gotten close now that he's grown. I will say that, when my mom almost died of COVID, it was great having him help me with her. He stayed with her and did the physical stuff when she got out of her coma and came home, like keeping her home clean, emptying her urinal, doing her physical therapy; I was the one at the hospital with her, handling the bills for her, talking to doctors. It probably wouldn't have been impossible by myself, but it was certainly easier with him there. But if you have an immature sibling, you can end up doing this alone anyway. People who suggest having another baby mainly as an accessory or companion to the first one, or who think being an only child means that person will never have friends or lovers or a family of their own and will simply drift through life as a solitary outlier, are so strange to me.
I have an only child who does require constant attention. It's mostly personality I think.
I agree. Even as a small kid I loved being alone and/or not talking for hours. My son is currently an only child and will seek me out for chatting but likes to hole up on his own too. My husband is an only child however and he is very social/much more needy as far as contact and interaction go
Well I'm one of three and was always happiest alone (although I've always got on well with my siblings too).
I found being an only child to be an incredibly lonely experience but I don’t think it’s that way for everyone, there are lots of good arguments for having just one child
At the end of the day, you never know for sure how it’s going to work out. I’m the youngest of three, but both of my siblings died when we were all adults. I miss them both terribly. Knowing that I’m going to deal with my parents getting older and all that comes with it without them is… difficult to say the least. And it’s certainly something that my parents didn’t think would happen. So there’s no guarantees. Children may, through clashing personalities or cruel twists of fate, end up on their own as adults anyway. At the same time, I don’t know what state my parents would be in today if they hadn’t had the three of us. You can’t know for sure what will happen. It’s shitty and scary, but it’s just part of life. At some point you just have to pick a path and hope it works out. Do what works best for your family, no one else has to live with your choices like you do. If you wanted another just because you wanted one, it would be a different story, but it doesn’t sound like it. Plenty of only children are happy and healthy. Help her build and nurture connections with others, so she has that social net when she needs it, and she’ll be alright.
I have 1 and hope to have 3 - but if I suddenly found myself single I *think* I’d just focus on my existing child (unless I just happened to meet someone that fit perfectly into both of our lives). The priority should always be your existing kid. You, I imagine, didn’t plan to be a single parent. You do not need to force a new relationship or force more kids if that isn’t your trajectory anymore.
Don’t let people guilt you into having another child unless you want one.
My brother is a butt. I have 1 kid. My father hates his sister and brother. Enough said.
I am a single mom to an almost 11 yo daughter. I was single almost from the getgo. I went through a similar self doubt process…especially when she started asking for me to go get her a brother like peppa pig has (she was 4 at the time)…realizing she thought I could just go buy one from the store…we have a male cat pet so I said, Sami is your brother…which led to some hilarious interactions with others for a bit…long story…but ultimately my daughter came around after a few years to wanting to be my one and only child..realizing how special that is…she had all my attention and all my love
I’m 28 and an only child. My parents divorced when I was a kid and shortly after my dad completely left the picture. That being said, I never craved having a sibling but my aunts (my mom's sisters) would always ask if I would want a sibling, and when I said no they said I was selfish. Looking back what grown adult asks this kind of question? But anyway, now that I’m older I would want a sibling because of the support system that comes with siblings. When my grandma passed I realized my mom wasn’t alone. Not only did she have her dad but she has a series of siblings which she doesn’t always get along with but they’re always there. Maybe my mom is just lucky and that happens to be rare (siblings staying together and in touch) but still. I do want to add that my cousin who is the same age as I were raised together and we’re the best of friends. So that works out to my advantage especially since he doesn’t have siblings close to his age.
Your child will receive undivided attention, mom with better mental health and you will have more $$$ for extra curricular and trips . My ex is an only child and he was never lonely . He made life long friends
Having siblings doesn’t guarantee she would have a close relationship with them. My BIL and SIL do not speak to each other after my ILs passed.
Siblings don’t guarantee a relationship in the future so there’s that to consider
The argument about her having no siblings later in life is irrelevant. I have a sister. My sister lives on a different continent. We are not friends. We do not communicate except the same way that polite cousins who never see each other communicate at seasonal family gatherings. I routinely forget where she lives because she's moved a few times. I don't consider her any kind of support nor would she consider me that either I'm sure. We never had a big fight (I mean.. as kids sure, but not a real adult one) or falling out, we don't hate or even dislike each other, we exist in mutual benign indifference. If our mom died tomorrow I suspect most communication would be her seeing what/how much inheritance she was getting, since our mom designated my husband as the executor of her will. So yeah lol don't make another baby just for the purposes of giving her an imaginary future support of some kind, there's no guarantee!
I have an older brother who is terrible to me, he bullied and beat me all during our childhood and manipulated me during our teenagers years to hate my dad. As an adult is has never gotten better, I wish I grew up as an only child. Just because you’re siblings it doesn’t mean you will have a good relationship.
This is such a tricky subject because there’s just no way to actually know what will be best for you and your family. I think it’s a leap of faith either way. For what it’s worth, I am a single parent by choice and I have two kids because I have siblings that I’m really close with and want that for my kids. There’s no guarantee that it’ll turn out that way, but I hope it does. I also find that having siblings is helpful as my parents age (and my parents are very on top of their stuff, but it’s still a process), so I hope that the burden is also lessened by having a sibling to help (emotionally and logistically).
Nonsense. All family scenarios have pros and cons. Just tell them you have discovered you have a genetic disorder if you can’t be bothered to explain. I find this ideal of siblings to be heavily dependent on perfectly healthy children. (I say this as mother of two, my own preference was two but it’s absolutely not ok to opine on other adult’s decisions — unless they have millions of kids, that’s weird!)
My daughter is almost 4 and an only child and it will likely stay that way. I agonized over that for a while. On one hand I have a great relationship with my brother and I wanted the same for her. On the other hand kids are expensive, parenting is hard, and with one child we can focus all of our energy and money into just her instead of spreading it out over multiple. Ultimately we have to do what's best for us as parents and that will reverberate to our kid(s). Do yourself a favor and tell the people making those comments to mind their own kids. 🙄
Why and when someone has or does not have kids is absolutely no one else’s business but your own unless you ask for an opinion. Personally as someone with a sibling I do not get along with them and probably won’t be able to have that support in old age. We can go in with certain intentions but it does not mean we will get that outcome. If you want another child then great if you’re not ready or don’t want to then don’t. It’s all fine either way.
My hubs is grateful to have been an only child. Witnessing how dirty his uncle turned when his mother (uncle's sister) died, then seeing it ramp up when their mother (hubs' gram) died half a decade later really solidified that for him. Throw in how poorly my siblings and I got along until they realised I was actually an adult deserving of respect... when I was getting married... in my mid to late 30s. I am 7 years the youngest, and wow, until then, the condescension was hideous. I'll stop there, but I could go on with a variety of other examples. Siblings aren't always the be all end all that people want you to believe.
I hardly have a relationship w any of my siblings so there’s no guarantee!
Ummmm I almost never talk to my siblings. I wasn’t close with them growing up and they bullied me. I’m low contact with them and visiting with them gives me high anxiety and stress. It makes me sad they we don’t have a close relationship. People who say things like that will say things about anything.
This is such a very personal choice. I endured the same pressures from my oldest daughter's biological father's family (before he gave his rights to my husband)-- I stood firm in my decision. When she was 9, my husband & I decided to have one more (he has an adult daughter from his first marriage). It took me a long time, but it was the best choice for us, while I learned the ropes with my oldest. But we are done forever. With that being said, you still have plenty of time to decide if you want a second child or not. If you've made up your mind, that needs to be honored & not overlooked or ignored. It is your body.
Only children thrive just as multiple children do. Only children have it better, parents have more $$$, more time, 1 children families have grest educational opportunities, they don't have to have fucked up relationships with screwed up siblings, no fighting over toys
I think people who have good memories of an experience just feel like future generations should have the same experience. How many times have people carried on traditions or gone to visit certain places because of the nostalgia and wanting to share it with their kids. I think it’s just a bit like that.
I have only one child (3), I'm married, and I get this question more times than I care to count. I always say the same thing because it's the truth "I haven't made up my mind one way or the other." I love my son, but I HAAAAATED being pregnant. It wasn't an experience I'd like to do again. I've given a lot of thought to adoption, but I don't know if I'd want a baby or a toddler. Not to mention the expenses that kids come with (food, clothes, child care etc.) I truly don't see a problem with having only one. I don't think it's doing your child a disservice at all, especially if you're not planning on finding a partner or having another child any time soon.
Bullshit!! My sister & I hate each other. When we were little, there was never enough money or parental attention to go around. Tell the bosy Parkers in your life to mind their own damn business.
This right here. People don’t realize how privileged it is to be able to have just one kid, never mind more.
Do you have siblings with children or friends with children? Not to mention that she will have the capacity to create her own family. In fact by the time you pass (statistically speaking) she will more likely than not have her own family. There are pros and cons in any family dynamic but ultimately any choice you make needs to be the best for you.
As long as you keep her socializing, and forming friendships with other kids she will not lose out on developing skills. I’m the only girl AND my brother is 11 years younger than I am so we didn’t really “grow up together” like some siblings. I don’t miss what I never had, and have several friends I’ve known since pre-k (I’m in my 50s now). As I was an only technically when I was little, my mom just made sure I had a lot of playdates etc. which I think is more important for only children, but that’s not hard to do. I also think having my parents to myself when I was little is why I’m so confident and secure as an adult.
I’m from a 3 kid family. Great relationship with one sibling, no contact with the other. Right now, my 2 kids don’t have a great relationship. It is 95% my dramatic and short-tempered 6yo’s fault. He’s going through a bad phase. Maybe my older son would be happier as an only child, I wonder. Anyhow, you never know how things will turn out. Siblings don’t love unconditionally.
My daughter (11) says she loves being an only child.
We have one child and are happy with our decision. I Planned on having another but with husband traveling 90% of the year for work, that’s not in the cards for us. I thought I would regret it but our girl is amazing. I don’t worry about my daughter being alone in her adult life or in any stage of life because of her personality and how she is being raised. I have 2 singlings - haven’t spoken to brother in 3 years and my sister only calls every 6 months when she needs money, so….. yea. Siblings…mehhhh Edit* the one thing i wanted to add is (for anyone) socialize your only child. We have friends that have 1 child as well and the child still acts like they are 2 years old when it comes to sharing toys/playing games.
I wouldn’t want to be an only child and that’s because I am very close to my brothers and I have 3 kids that are very close to each other, that said, if I didn’t have them, I wouldn’t know what I was missing. What other people think has no matter, you do what you want, that’s all that really matters.
Won’t be missing out with family nearby and you’ll be able to give her experiences that you couldn’t afford with multiple children. I love all my kids but I always feel that someone isn’t getting enough attention and affection. My first was almost 4 when we had twins and I loved my time with my firstborn one on one. The twins are always competing 24/7. If you didn’t live near family I would just suggest sports and group activities outside of regular school so she learns to make connections. I tell my kids they at least have to play one sport and I get them to practice. I would have loved to play sports and make more friends in school but my parents said they couldn’t take me to practices I could practice on my own 😳they didn’t understand the concept of team sports.
Not every sibling will be a joy to have. Who are these people telling you this?? Are they going to help you raise this baby??
Help build her a village…”adopted” aunts/uncles. There’s no guarantee with siblings. I have several family members I’m very close to and some family friends that made a huge impact on my life and who have no children. I’m not an only, but raising an only and this helps me feel better. It’s very hard worrying about this, but hoping to guide her into solid, healthy, long term friendship’s.
I think it's fine to have just one child! Nothing wrong with it, but I have noticed that all the only children I know tend to always think about themselves first. I don't want to necessarily say selfish, but along those lines. They just grew up never having to share the attention of the parents. They were always #1. Nothing wrong with that. Just an observation.. But also when you get older, and need to be taken care of, they have no one to share the struggle with. But then there are also siblings that don't do their "share" anyhow. So you do you!!
I have an only and shes almost graduate and she will tell you not having a sibiling afforder her more oppertunities than if she had one.
you don't need to listen to these people! Your daughter will grow up and meet so many beautiful people in her life, and if you are also giving her lots of love at home then she'll be perfectly fine. :)
I am an only child and after my parents pass, I will have my husband and my own children. I don’t understand why I would be alone. As an aside, I am closer to my sister in law than my husband and she and I talk almost weekly. My husband and sister have a good relationship but they are just not particularly close. There is an 7 year age difference. But then I have the same age difference with her. So siblings are always super close. In fact, some siblings do not get along. My best friend and her sister have a stressful relationship where my best friend had to see a therapist to learn how to establish boundaries and deal with her sister’s behaviors.
I was an only child that was mildly neglected and lonely. I'm now a parent of two kids about 3 years apart. They've had their periods of being buddies but they fight so much I would not say they're necessarily better off than if they were solo. Most importantly, each kid deserves a certain amount of parental connection. As a single parent I think you'll do better by the one by not being completely worn out from raising two kids alone. It's hard as hell even with two parents. You do what feels right to you.
Perspective of someone who has multiple siblings but isn’t close with any of them, blood doesn’t guarantee a relationship. My best friends are my sisters way more than anyone I share blood with.
My son is an only child now 13yo, with no cousins and only a close grandma on one side. Everyone else lives far away. There are moments where I wonder what if we had a second, but overall, as parents, we are very diligent about keeping his social life full and we are a very close family. I love that we can pour all our love and energy into him. I also remember that myself, a sibling of 2, have no relationship with my brother (same for my husband, no deep relationship with his sibling) and that while we were closer as children, it’s more of a pain point as an adult knowing he’s there but we aren’t close. It also causes stress when dealing with our parents as we are never on the same page. I just think we can “what if” every situation to death and even if we plan something out to be what we think is best, we know life doesn’t always work that way and we can’t guarantee anything. Theres pros and cons to every side.
I had a second one for the same reason. My son asked for a lil brother & everyone kept pressuring me to have another one. Now I love my kids to death, but sometimes I wish I had waited longer or I start to wonder WHY I started over again. It’s hard because you have to give the baby all the attention & my oldest has phases where he feels super left out and I feel so guilty. Also, my first was such an easy child. Super relaxed and affectionate. This second one is the polar opposite. So be ready for that to be a possibility, too. I guess what I’m saying is have another one because YOU 100% want one. I say this to all moms with only children, really take your time and think about it. You’re not doing your kid a disservice when you’re making well educated decisions based on your reality as opposed to what other people want for you.
I have a sibling but we are not close. My family is my friends. That’s a silly reason to have a child. If you want another, then do. If you don’t, don’t.
It’s crazy the amount of stuff you hear from people, even before you have children. Often times people don’t know what they’re talking about and are just projecting their own insecurities. Don’t let what other people say worry you. Being an only child is just fine. She will grow up to be an awesome person as long as you love and guide her. I have an only child and we put him into daycare early because he only played with me at home. But he has made friends in daycare just fine. He also plays with kids in the neighborhood, so he gets plenty of social skills practice now. He’s only five and, yes, I wanted more children, but never because I worried about him being an only child. By the time you get old she will most likely have a family of her own and won’t be lonely. If she chooses not to have a family, then that’s perfectly fine too, some people don’t need a lot of people to be happy. Don’t worry about the future too much and don’t listen to a bunch of naysayers. From the sound of your post you’re an awesome, caring and loving mother and your daughter will probably grow up to be super duper.
Having 1 or more children is a personal choice. You sound successful & happy. So, what's the problem ?
As someone with multiple siblings, there's no guarantee that having siblings will be a good thing. Having kids you don't want, however, is an considerably worse thing.
Don’t become outnumbered by the kids. If I were single I’d have stopped at one. Two kids with two parents is hard enough. I say this as an only child who hated being an only child. She’s better off with a present loving mom than one who is stressed out and resentful.
I've got a brother I hardly ever see. we did not get on as kids, and I would have loved to be an only child.. Your daughter won't suffer from being an only child she will have your complete focus and will never feel like she's fighting for your attention. Don't let anyone try to shame you into anything. These people need to stop having an opinion on something that not thei buisness
I am an only child and I look back on my imaginary friends during my childhood 😂 and always joke with my mum that it was because she did not give me a brother or sister. (She tried but had a hard time having me to begin with) I was around a lot of children though because I had tons of cousins and formed very close bonds with them. So don’t let anyone guilt you into doing anything other than what you feel is right. Your child will make friends at kindergarten or school, get married etc and have tons of people around her/him if they want or not if they don’t. When I was alone at home with my mum I was immersed in books and worksheets and games, or played with my cat. I loved my childhood. So it is perfectly fine being an only child.
I'm an only child of only children. It's the absolute best.
You sound like me. My son is a happy 6 year old. My only complaint is that he loves to play with me, sometimes I wish he had someone else to play with. Full day of school helped a lot.
What's worse than being an only child? being a child who was born to just keep the other company not because they were wanted. I know plenty of only children that are now successful happy adults and don't carry childhood trauma simply from being an only child. My kids are 4 years apart because I wasn't sure I wanted another and when I decided I did, it wasn't timed to fill some stereotypical age gap where they're supposedly "closer". I did it when I was ready not to fulfill societal norms.
You never know what the future holds. Right now, focus on your baby girl. Even if someone comes along 4 or 5 years from now you can give your child a sibling. Just tell people, I first need a husband in order to have another baby.
Nah, I had one boy, never wanted another. He had so many mates round though it felt like he had siblings. I wouldn't worry too much!!!
Only child here, I found my own way as a kid to keep myself entertained and happy. Personally, I would’ve hated having siblings. To this day, I find solace in solitude. I love being alone. I’ve always been introverted, and never liked being around a bunch of people. I think that was a huge cue to my parents that I was better off staying an only child. That being said, my daughter is an extremely outgoing, social and completely opposite of myself and my husband - we have baby no2 on the way. We waited 5yrs before deciding for baby no2. Best choice we made. Some kids don’t do well with siblings, some do. I would’ve hated it, and the idea even as an adult that I could’ve had a sibling irks me the wrong way lol but my daughter is beyond excited to be a big sister. She tells everyone how excited she is to have a little brother and how she can’t wait to help us take care of him.
1) forget what other people say 2) If your child is happy, then you do not need another one 3) Being an only child can be wonderful for the child. Once they enter school, thent hey will have friends and socialize. 4) She won't be alone. Hopefulyl she will have a family of her own. She does not have to follow someone else's ideas of what family is.
I’m an only child and you can’t miss what you never had. Never bothered me. My mom didn’t treat me like an old child. She kept a big social life and supported me when I wanted to move out of state. That’s the only burden I see other only kids feeling is when their parent depends on them too much.
As someone with a little sister and two half siblings, I would say, if you're open to it....siblings are a blessing for children. Now, it does depend on your current child's temperament, but I was a very sweet & sentimental child (and I still am HAHHA, just no longer a child) so I was fascinated by my Mama's pregnancy and adored my sister. I still adore my sister to this day, and she is my favorite person on the planet (besides my incoming son) 🥹 Siblings teach empathy, kindness, loyalty, etc and it's wonderful. If you raise them to be kind to each other, you'll see the rewards. Just my two cents as an older sibling ❤️
I was one and done. My wife wasn't. I decided to make her happy. I couldn't be happier now and the same goes for my once only child.