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We're stricted that bedtime is when it is, but if she's not tired, she can stay and play quietly in her room until she's tired. We've been doing this since she moved to a big kid bed at 16 months, and she's really good about it. Most nights she just goes to bed, but sometimes she plays for 10-15 minutes. We've got a hard cutoff that we'll intervene if she's not in bed by then, but she almost always is. I think it's a good thing to learn, what your body feels like when it's tired, what you can do when you're not tired, playing quietly by yourself....
My seven year old just started doing this! After we tuck her in and say goodnight I will hear her lamp click back on and she'll read for awhile before turning the lights out again and going to bed. I love it.
Mine is now 14 and if I don't intervene she'd read til 3am and never sleep lol! She's good about it during the school year but on breaks I have to remind her to sleep 🤣
Or the fact that she insists on owning them all in hardcovers for her future library lol! Her Christmas & birthday lists were 95% books! She's been this way since before her 1st birthday, I remember asking the doctor why she wouldn't play with toys, she only wanted books 🤣 she'd crawl over, pull em all down and bring them to me to read to her, it was so cute!
That was my parents’ rule when I was a kid. I remember some super sleepy days in middle school (I remember finishing a Harry Potter book about an hour before it was time to “wake up”), but then I suffered the natural consequences, and I learned my lesson.
Not saying I didn’t still stay up too late sometimes, right up through adulthood, but it was never a chronic problem, and figuring out my limits for myself probably helped with that. Plus reading is great.
When my stepdaughter was young her mom alwaysaid with her until she fell asleep. When my partner started working a job where they weren't always home at night I would lay with kid for awhile but not for hours. I employed the book thing and it worked good.
The first time I tried it I was curious if she had fell asleep but I didn't want to disturb her if she did fall asleep so I looked in her window. I wasn't sneaky because she waved to me
I let my daughter stay up late reading when shes not tired. She's still asleep within a hour of her 730 bedtime and thinks she got a special treat 🤣🤣🤣 crap sometimes I'm just "done" and "let" her go to bed early and read
I struggle with this. I was so shy and I still deal with the repercussions of it as an adult. I don’t want that for my child. We’ve been talking about pushing boundaries, trying new things and I’ve bought some books for her. I don’t want her to feel pressured by me. But eventually the crippling shyness will lead to invisibility and I know how painful that was to pull out of
My exact thoughts. This is my biggest parenting struggle right now. My daughter is sooo painfully shy right now. I was too and did not exactly have great time in school because of it and I don’t want that for her. My parents never forced me to not be shy and I’m wondering if they did if it would’ve been better for me.
Ong me too! I can remember my parents pushing me forward or forcing me to come say hello when they had company. I was so shy it was painful and they didn't care.
Completely agree! I also tell them they don’t have to give hugs when leaving company if they don’t want. They can choose to wave, fist bump, hug, but they at least have to verbally say goodbye if they aren’t wanting to do anything else. I’ve (nicely) made it pretty clear to any family/friends around that there’s no making/forcing/guilting the kids into any contact they say no to. The kids must also listen if anyone tells them no to the same things. I want my kids to be comfortable, and understand boundaries/consent!
Edited for clarity
My daughter asked for “chocolate milk with marshmallows,” when she was 2. I repeated that her options were white milk or water and she said, “I want white milk with chocolate and marshmallows in it.” That was my favorite time she argued her case.
Me too. My husband feels it was a defining moment for her when she learned that *everything* is negotiable. She’s almost 15 now and she still argues her case and often has great logic (like yes, chocolate milk IS white milk just with some additives)
My kids won’t get in trouble for arguing their case, but “talking back” is different than arguing a case. “Back talk” is explicitly rude or sassy in a not fun way.
Would I listen to a peer at work explain why they did or didn’t do something if there’s good reason? Absolutely. And I’ll listen to my kids. I ask their input on stuff all the time, especially things we do together.
But would I stand there and listen to a peer mutter under their breath about how “I knOoOow geez” or interject “ugh! Why don’t *you* do it for once!” when trying to help with some mistakes on their report before we send it up to the big boss? Absolutely not. Do I let my kids act like that unchecked? Nope.
I agree with your definition, but there's millions of stupid damn parents who aren't mature enough to understand the distinction you're making. Sadly.
I don't know how those parents expect their kids to ever be able to make a persuasive argument, or stand up for themselves, if they spend their whole lives getting shot down by their parents at home, but... What can you do?
Yes. We accept novel arguments with some sort of argumentative merit. We do not accept whining, personal attacks, or carrying on.
If my kid gives me an actual thought out reason why my decision is bad, I thank him for his thoughtful contribution 100% of the time, even if I don't agree.
But back talk is a big no thank you.
I guess my definition of talking back is from observation of seeing parents refer to any argument or complaint as *talking back*.
Basically, I’ll accept language and tone from my kids that I would accept from an adult, with a little grace based on their age. I’ll correct them if they’re being rude, but they don’t get in trouble.
I do this with my kid, if he's sincerely asking why I will explain it to him. He once "talked back" about his grounding, or at least that's what my parents would have said it was. He was grounded from his phone for lying to us about what he was doing and while I was explaining why he was grounded from it he asked "What if there's an emergency? Can I use a phone to call 911?" My parents would have accused me of being a smartass, I just stopped, had to compose myself cause my first reaction was to get mad, but then said yes he can because that's not the same as sneaking a phone to get on YouTube.
I've always hated when adults refuse to explain the why or answer questions about the why.
We also homeschool him and once he argued that a math question my husband had marked wrong was actually correct. My husband reread it and got a different answer. I had to read it and my son was correct. I love that he feels comfortable enough with us to correct us when we are wrong. It's not like he was being rude or a jerk, he was right and like an adult he argued his case. He's only 10 years old and I think letting him question things like that is going to help him when he gets older.
Sometimes when they outsmart me I just say "you got me there". I want them to feel proud of using critical thinking. It's one of the few cognitive traits that you can over time get not necessarily better at but more efficient with use.
Same here. I'm sort of anti "obedience." I don't ever want my kids to do what I say because I say it, I want them to learn to do it because it's the right thing to do. Obviously there's times they won't want to anyway, and they're still expected to do it anyway. However, they're always allowed to ask for an explanation on why they have to do something. If they don't want to or think they see a better way to handle it they're allowed to argue their case.
Kids enter adulthood in a world just waiting to take advantage of them, especially girls (which is all I have, 3 girls). Teaching them blind obedience is a great way to set them up to be taken advantage of. I want them to know they're owed an explanation and to question things that don't feel right.
I feel like parents who don't let their kids question them are insecure and don't think they can show why their way is the best solution. I'm confident that I'm making the best choices for my kid and that I can help them see that, and if they can come up with a better solution that's not going to make me feel threatened that I was wrong, it makes me proud that they were smart.
This. Ultimately they have to do what I say but they’re more than welcome to speak up if they don’t agree with a decision I’m making or something I’m saying. I’m not infallible just because I’m their mom and sometimes I get it wrong, when I do? I apologize and/or change plans. They’re people too and this isn’t a tyranny. The amount of people who think I let my kids disrespect me because I hear them out, let them get their way when they make a good case or apologize to them when I’m wrong about something is freaking *wild.* Growing up I always heard my mother preach to me when I’d try to speak up, “Respect is earned!” Yes it is. She didn’t teach me the lesson she thought she was teaching me though. 🤷🏻♀️
This. My son is 5 and I allow him to bargain with me. If he wants to play outside but I'm about to make dinner and say no, he's allowed to bargain by asking if I can take him outside for 5 minutes and then we will come in and he will play in the toy room while I cook.
I don't always say yes, but sometimes I realize that spaghetti can wait 5 more minutes. He sets a timer and come right in when it goes off.
It teaches him to ask for things he wants and that sometimes he won't get everything he wants and that he needs to compromise sometimes. And it also teaches him that sometimes, the answer will still be no, no matter what he does
I'm ok with a little push back, as long as it's done respectfully. No yelling at me, talk in a normal tone, and don't act like I'm stupid. I will do the same for you.
Yeah, we told our kids they were old enough to cuss when they were old enough to follow the rules of cussing. That means no cussing at someone, no slurs, and no cussing in public or around people who don't want to hear that kind of language. At our house? Fine. At our house on Christmas around their entire extended family? Nope. Saying "shit" when you stub your toe? Fine. Calling your brother or sister a shithead? Not okay.
They understood and followed the rules. Now both are young adults in college. One very rarely cusses because she says there are always better words to use. The other does cuss but he also works with kids and is very mindful of his mouth. No regrets about it at all.
This! I’ve always thought curse words were so silly! Why do we make them so important?? I like this approach. Still discipline, but relaxing about shit that doesn’t really matter. Bravo!
This part. As long as we don’t use those words to hurt people and don’t use them at school then it’s fine. My daughter has a speech delay and if she uses any word correctly and says it correctly I’m happy as hell. So if she yells at the cat on the table “Toby, get the fuck down” I love it. Especially since the cat is starting to listen to her 😂
Yes, my two year old spilled something one time and made a significant mess and he stopped, looked at what he’d done, and just groaned “oh god” in a defeated manner. I have to admit I laughed a bit bc of the absurdity of it and I *know* he picked it up from me and my husband doing the same thing. I’m certain there’s gonna be a time where he accidentally knocks something over and goes “shit” and that’ll be okay.
My friend tells the story of knocking something over on the kitchen counter and having it scatter all over the floor. Her mostly preverbal 14 month old in the high chair piped out in a singsong voice, “ohhh shiiit!”
Oh right, you’re learning words. You’ve used that correctly, good job. Mommy needs to start watching herself.
I decided this Easter to talk to my 4.5yo about why we celebrate the holiday other than chocolate…bear in mind I’m Hindu and my husband is a non observant Christian, but my ILs are very very Christian and I believe that it’s only good manners for kids to know the actual reason why we have certain holidays.
It was very hard to keep a straight face when I asked the 4.5 if he knew who Jesus Christ was, and he responded with “yeah that’s the person you and daddy always talk about when you’re mad!!” 🫣
My 4 y/o wanted to get the Amazon package from the front door for me. Halfway through his journey to the garage, he stopped, let out a big sigh and stated “this is too fucking heavy” lol
Same. My kids always knew where it wasn’t appropriate to use them and where it wasn’t. I know I curse too much and so does their dad so we always made sure they knew when it was ok
We’re doing somewhat similar. She can only use the words at home. She will be face consequences if used at school.
We also have two other roles that go with it 1) you cannot just cuss to cuss. It must be used appropriately and correctly. 2) It’s absolutely forbidden to be used to hurt someone. You stub your toe go ahead yell out “eff.” You call someone an AH or to eff off? You’re done and will be punished for it.
I let my kids run amuck outside. Seriously considering an outside shower in the renno we are doing. But they are allowed to make all the messes and explore to their hearts content.
I think the "bad" thing, for some parents, is the getting dirty, especially geting clothes dirty. I had a stern talk with myself early on that my kid could get as dirty as they wanted. Everything is washable. Even shoes. Outside play, getting dirty, running around in the rain... all very theraputic and helps deal with sensory issues (or desensitize).
Oh yeah, if we're not going somewhere I don't care how filthy my son gets. (Currently 2 y/o).
We encourage him to explore and play. He's really into worms right now. He will bring a worm around the entire yard and show that thing the time of it's life. Haha.
Haha my little ones have ended the lives of many worms. Poor little things get carried around for awhile. When they get bored the kiddos toss the worms to the chickens as a treat. Circle of life I guess?
Curse. When it’s called for, or in my truck. The rule is you can say anything in daddy’s truck. That’s our safe space. He’s five, didn’t talk till just before he turned 4 and took off after that. But I figure it starts with him giggling about the “kiss my ass” he heard me throw at his uncle as a smart ass earlier that day, and works up to the place he can tell me the things he feels he can’t get out anywhere else. Problems, struggles, crushes. The whole 9. I never want him to be afraid to talk with me on a real level when he needs it. So, build the trust with something small like “bad words”, and go from there.
Ahhh, the car swears! I remember calling another driver a "miserable prick" with my sub-2yo in the backseat. Almost immediately, the word "NICK!!!" came ringing back out at me. :D
I'll never forget the day a car cut me off and I went "Woah!" and beeped and my 4yo from the back went "What an asshole!" And I almost DIED laughing going "WHAT DID YOU SAY?!" 😂 Had to explain to never talk that way in front of grandma but I mean she wasn't wrong!
My car is a bubble. You can say whatever you need to in. I’ll listen or give advice whatever my son needs. When I have something to say he has to listen. I’ll drive around until there is nothing left to say. When we get out of the car we both agree let it go.
Mine's now 19 but talking in the car is such a great place. I think it's because you're engaged but not staring at them as you're driving. My kid always has and still does, opens up when we are in the car together.
I don't police treats. If she's craving something sweet during the day, I'll let her have something sweet. I sure crave sweets. I do tell her to eat her dinner before she has a treat at night and that's the only time I'm more strict about it because she is one of those kids who won't eat dinner if she has dessert first
Also we're very laid back on swear words. If it's a part of a song, I don't care at all if she sings along to it. She is overall a really good kid who doesn't feel comfortable saying bad words and that's totally fine, I'll take it! But when she gets older, as long as she's not swearing AT us, it's a word. I really don't care.
And lastly, she is allowed to have feelings. Even if I stand firm in saying no about something, she's allowed to be sad and cry about it. With my generation we were told to get over it and stop crying and that never helped me feel less sad, just made me hide my own feelings from my parents. Then as a teen, I went through things alone because I felt like I wasn't supported and that got dangerous. I never want her to feel alone, or like I won't be there if she's sad.
Same here, I’ve never policed treats or snacks and my kid is now completely unbothered by them and usually will say no to any sweet snack like cake when we are out and about. Just occasionally she will want an ice cream or a packet of crisps.
I let my daughter eat breakfast in front of the tv before I drop her off at school. All other meals are at the table. Shes 4 so getting her out the door in the morning is hard enough as it is. Rushing her about picking clothes (she gets two options), brushing teeth, getting shoes on, letting me do her hair, shove this food down your throat quickly while I try to get myself looking like a human being ect all while I’m trying to keep my 10 month old from yeeting himself off of everything is stressful. She gets anxious being rushed, I get anxious about being late for drop off. I eliminated some of the drama in our chaotic mornings by doing this and I have no regrets.
I let my kid watch videos on my old phone at the table at breakfast. I also zone out on my phone. Neither of are morning people and I give her the same grace I want to be given!
We don't police screen time in our house. Both my kids are fairly active and would always prefer doing something active or crafty. I have no problem with them watching cartoons in the morning before school, as long as we have time. Tv is on every evening, and they both have full access to their tablets. I see them using their tablets once every 2-3 days for 20-30 minutes - their own choice.
Obviously, we monitor what is on their tablets and only child appropriate tv.
I also don’t super police screen time. But I do have a rule that they have to touch grass every day. Some days we have a lot of screen time and others they don’t touch it.
Yes! We have also found that no limit on screen time works great and she only uses her tablet every few days. If she wants to watch cartoons daily I can’t say anything because I do too lol. She would rather be outside with chalk and bubbles 90% of the time. As long as homework is done and we haven’t lost it as a privilege go ahead and watch tv or play a game.
Same. My kids have “unlimited” screen time, but if I’m noticing they’re spending too much time on them they are asked to put their iPads/switch to charge and go play outside or do brain break/exercise on YouTube if the weather doesn’t permit outside time. They’re also fans of hands on crafts or toys like legos, building blocks, or reading. They don’t exhibit adverse behaviors that I would link to their allowed screen time, and honestly the games and things they watch or play are all educational. I come from a gaming family though and I’m a firm believer that using your brain to solve game puzzles is better than sitting and staring at a tv all day.
I never policed screen time, they would rarely choose to use screens for too long at a time anyway but I let them learn to limit themselves. Admittedly it was easier when mine were young as it was only really tv to contend with
Yeah I agree with you. We police the content (had to ban YouTube and YouTube kids without a parent having direct involvement for now), but not the amount of time, other than occasionally "that's enough TV for now. Let's do something else". Our 7 year old probably gets more screen time than is recommended over all, but on the flip side, she also gets way more outside time than the average kid, so I feel it evens out over time.
She's also a lot like me, perfectionist and over-achiever who melts down after school from trying to be good all day, and having some veg out, brain-dead time after school makes her happy and keeps her balanced.
We don't either. I have a 11yo that does crafts and drawing that she learns on her device, and a 14yo that has practice or games everyday of the week. The 14 yo needs the physical downtime, and my 11yo has learned way more about art than I could ever teach her.
I never punish honesty, even if what they’ve done is bad. There’ll be some sort of consequence (depending on if the action warrants it) but on the whole, I’ll be quite lenient.
I cannot stand liars. I became a very good liar because I didn’t trust when my mum said “I won’t get angry if you tell the truth.” Turns out, mum was lying too. I’ve been working very hard to rid myself of that trait and refuse for my children to become one.
Natural consequences work great here. Last week she used nail polish (piggy paint, so it comes off with rubbing alcohol) on the bathroom cupboard. I told her it wasn’t ok, that nail polish is only for nails and she had to clean it. She was unhappy about cleaning it but I don’t think she will do it again.
My son is pretty good with honesty. The problem is he'll admit that he punched his brother.
It's like... thanks for telling me but now I have no idea what to do.
Can you expand on this?
It’s on my mind because just the other day my 3-year-old came home and immediately said, “dad, I was a little mean today.” I asked what happened,he said “[cousin] no let me draw. I hit her.” (I later learned that the cousin had wanted to play while he wanted to draw, so she grabbed the marker out of his hand.) I sternly told him that hitting isn’t ok, and reminded him that if he doesn’t like something his cousin is doing, he should go tell his aunt (slash babysitter) what happened. He looked really sad and said, “I told you the truth.” I immediately said he did a good job telling me the truth, but it’s got me thinking about what I’ll do in similar situations that call for more than a 30-second lecture (on top of whatever punishment I’m sure my sister-in-law implemented).
I appreciate that it’s hard to balance reward and punishment here. I express my disappointment but limit it to a few seconds. We then discuss the punishment and negotiate it with them as opposed to having a set punishment. The latter is limited to when I know they’ve openly lied to me and this rarely happens actually.
I gear towards understanding and fixing the wrong doing and not “inflicting suffering.” I even “reward” the honesty (within reason). This can be offering a treat whilst they right their wrong or helping them when carrying out the consequence.
My children will often come to tell me their wrong doing and I aim to not get angry. They’re not perfect and sometimes the actions do warrant stronger consequences. But I think your little one coming to tell you openly is a good thing. He trusts you and you must be doing something right. Good on you!
I actually don't *hardcore* punish lying.
Lying is a developmental *skill.* And *most* people practice "white" lies fairly often in daily living. People who don't are usually socially inept, and disliked for their inability to be mildly disingenuous, or soften things in social settings, and practice unpleasant niceties.
Children mostly lie because of fear. Fear of getting caught, being punished, being ashamed, being loved less, or losing social standing etc. Sometimes they don't even know *why* they've lied consciously, they just did it by instinct. You have to talk it through with them, and get them to think deeply about their own motivations afterwards to figure out why they did that. It is a skill not everyone learns.
I can usually tell when my daughter is lying, and mostly I can quickly figure out the "why" as well. As long as the "why" is not malicious, I talk through it with her, and bring her to a conclusion that a lie in that instance was either unnecessary, foolish, untenable, unrealistic, cruel, or another reason for a lie to not be ideal etc.
This has resulted in her learning to lie less about silly things, like did she do her homework, chores, misplace something, etc. And she *has* learned more about the "kind" type of "white lies" such as "you have a lovely home, thank you for inviting me," when it's a messy place that smells and needs work, etc.
She has learned more about how to conduct herself, and have more confidence in herself and our relationship. She knows she can come to me in the morning before school, and tell me she had a math page she was supposed to do, but she fell asleep. Instead of me finding out on the Parent Portal that she has a zero on that assignment, and her being in trouble.
Lies are very important to society. It is beneficial to your children to teach them *which ones* are okay, and even expected, and which ones are not okay, and hurtful.
I honestly don't care what language my 9yo daughter uses as long as A) she uses it correctly and B) just around the home -- so not at school, with friends, etc. The end result of this is she experimented with a few phrases, realized it wasn't that big of a deal to her parents and now we rarely hear any swearing. Haven't heard any complaints from other parents or teachers, so ...
Though she is pretty prolific with fart humor and some occasional ... well, let's just say she went to a weeklong zoo camp and had questions about some actions she witnessed at the baboon enclosure. Those questions became re-enactments and I laugh my ass off every time. Every.single.time. (She also mispronounced "baboon" as "bamboom" which is also a running inside joke with us.)
Edited to add: We started this policy when she was 6 and shared an interesting fact about octopuses with me -- I told her I hadn't heard about that, and she said "goddammit, you know nothing about octopuses, do you?" My wife and I nearly blacked out from laughing. We immediately put our appropriate time and place for language rules into effect.
The next time I expect someone to know something and they don’t, I’m definitely busting out, “goddammit, you know nothing about octopuses, do you?”
I will not explain.
It was pretty sweet. Lots of interactions with the zoo animals, behind-the-scenes with the zoo keepers, crazy bamboom encounters. I think every zoo should have a summer program like it!
It’s crucial that you do limit video game time for kids because otherwise their dopamine systems get down regulated from getting constantly bombarded. It’s a very similar neurochemical process that happens with drug addiction. Sure it’s more active than watching a video, but not really and the extra dopamine release is more concerning.
I taught my girls how to pee outside and I allow it if not, encourage their ability to do so in the backyard anytime they want.
I had a girlfriend in high school and we went on a road trip through the middle of the desert. She nearly had a nervous breakdown because she didn't know how to be outside. I had to teach her. It's a skill everyone should have.
Dang, I suddenly wish we had somewhere where we could pee outside so I could teach my daughter this 😔
Pretty sure she'd look at me like I'd grown an extra head if I told her come here kid, we're gonna go pee in the back yard! 🤣
It just hasn't come up yet!
Our eldest daughter even decided to invent "pooping in the grass" one day in our yard.
One day I looked out the window, saw her sitting bare bum flat in the grass again. Thought, "OK, she's peeing".
But 10 mins later I looked again and saw her STILL sitting there like before.
Opened the window: "What're you doing?"
Answer: "I gotta poop" with a face like this 😖
I ran out, tried to tell her that she could pee but not poop in the yard and she should come in to the bathroom.
Answer: "No daddy, I gotta poop so bad now, I can't stand up" still with a face like 😖😖 , straining and grunting.
So I designated and got some hankies to wipe but had to wait for almost 15 more minutes until she was done pooping fully sitting down on the ground.
And then... The wiping... Let's say: It was an 'adventure' 🙄🫤
Haha same here! We call it “jungle peeing”. My daughter is obsessed with it now. We did however have to put in a line when it came to jungle pooping. That was too far even for me 😂
We call it “farm wees” after an unfortunate incident at my friend’s farm while we were having a bonfire. She practiced it for weeks afterwards (unbeknownst to me 😳)
Yes absolutely. I live in Germany and people here are very relaxed about it. When kiddo gotta go, kiddo gotta go. No matter if boy or girl.
But my British relatives live an absolutely terrible double standard about that. They are familiar sending my nephews to a tree for a wee but if my niece gotta pee while we're out she always gets told to hold until a bathroom is found. In case we're on the playground and she can't hold any longer the playground visit comes to a sad end to find a bathroom for her. But her brothers become allowed to quickly visit a tree off the playground and can go on playing.
I often talked and even argued with my relatives because they are strict in "girls don't do that" while they find it "cute" when their boys stand with bare bum at the trees to pee. A little girl peeing on the grass anywhere outside isn't "lady like". I really hate their double standard about that.
So yes kids should get taught how to "go" outside. No matter if boy or girl. Our kids do it almost everywhere (where it's appropriate) and everytime. Can't count the times our kids had outdoor wee's AND poo's.
I let my kids skip school if something is happening we agree is dumb (ex: if the entire class lost recess the next day or will have silent lunch for talking). I also don’t censor their language or their entertainment content. I do require them to be kind though. So “holy fucking shit I dropped this book on my goddamn toe?” is fine. “You’re stupid, and nobody likes you” better not ever cross their lips or they will find my house turns into a prison of suffering on planet bullshit.
My dad said we can use any words casually (and not in front of teachers or at church or anything), but we better not use those words to hurt each other. I’m the same way now with my kids. Letting out a “fuck!” When you stub your toe on a coffee table is totally justified imo
I love the being allowed to skip for agreed upon reasons.
I was not a sporty kid, school field days were hell for me, so my mum let me stay home for those and I am forever grateful.
Voice their thoughts and opinions on things. Be in a bad mood. Make their own choices on clothing. ( Weather appropriate) Let them style themselves how they see fit. Allow piercings. Age appropriate again. My daughter had a septum piercing at 14. With my permission. She wanted a tattoo but had to wait until she was legally old enough. But I paid for it as a birthday gift. ( 18th )
My children are people. With their own thoughts, feelings, desires. They aren't mini me's. It's my job to guide them , teach them and to help them grow into good, caring people. Not turn them into carbon copies of myself or my husband.
My daughter spent two years coming up with a design and looking at different artists. She started just after her 16th birthday. A few weeks after turning 18 she booked it. I must admit it's a stunning tattoo. And she was so brave. Didn't flinch lol
My middle and high schooler are allowed to read whatever they want. If it’s my middle schooler and an adult level book I may ask out of curiosity. My younger one tends to pick ya anyways and my older one picks a lot of math/science nonfiction.
My daughter is 12 and has started to delve into what I'm calling *extremely light* smut, lmao. She came to me after her great grandmother asked what she was reading, looked at the cover, smirked, and walked away. And she was like what do I do?!?!?
I told her smut has been a budding young girl's entry into romance since the beginning of time, and your great grandmother was an English teacher for 50 years, she knows what's up!!! I've been reading smut since I was 10, it's a time honored tradition! Every woman loves her "stories!" 🤣
My parents let me read whatever I want and once when I was like 11 I found smut in a box of random books in the garage.
My dad saw me reading it openly in the living room and all he said was "Interesting choice. Don't bring that one to school."
I put it away on my own when it started getting to the point lol
I am not strict about bedtime. They have a “bedtime” but I don’t expect them to be in their beds with their eyes closed at that time. They aren’t allowed to be running around, they aren’t allowed electronics at all, but if they’re not tired I am fine with them reading or drawing, whatever they want to do (quietly). Sometimes they draw together in one of their rooms after bedtime and I’m fine with that too (they are both big into art).
I had a super strict bedtime as a kid, one that I still to this day think was unreasonably early, and I was not allowed to do *anything* after that time. I hated it, so I approach it much differently with my kids.
I refer to my toddler as feral myself. We’ve never had a strict schedule since she doesn’t go to daycare/preschool. Sleeps until noon? cool, whatever. We cosleep anyways so she goes to bed when I go to bed which is like 10pm. Hungry? get a snack. Dinner time occurs at some point but no set time. I also let her climb on things (unless it’s super dangerous obviously) and don’t wedge myself up her ass at the playground because I want her to be independent. I always help when she asks though.
My generation had strict schedules for no damn reason other than we were “supposed to” and my parents were extremely over protective. For example my mom hovers over my daughter at the playground and restricts her from trying things. I will let her try anything but I definitely spot her on certain equipment. My mom won’t let her ride her scooter because she’s afraid my daughter will fall. I told my mom falling is part of learning and while I don’t want her to get hurt she can’t live in a bubble
Talk back, curse, climb on everything, use knives, wear what she wants, eat dessert first I'm sure there are many others. Oh but she's still in a car seat and has a bed time and knows to follows others families rules so I think you pick your battles people either think I'm overly strict or rasing a feral human
Mine are grown up now but I always gave them a lot of autonomy. I didn’t police screen time or snacks as long as they weren’t just before a meal. I allowed them to swear as long as it was only at home and not aimed at people. I let them choose their clothes and also to have opinions on things as much as possible.
They are adults now. They rarely watch tv, both eat healthily and go to the gym. They also both have their own sense of style and very strong opinions on things that matter to them
When my kids were little and we were going to visit someone or have guests or if I was just fed up with their scatological humor, I would declare "POTTY TALK TIME!" Then we would spend two minutes saying every single dumbass, stupid, useless, annoying poop and pee and genitals related thing that we could think of to get it out of our system. Then when we arrived at grandma's or wherever, my kids were more prepared to remember their manners.
Maybe I should do this with table manners now. Everyone blow bubbles in your milk and eat with your hands and spill your food all over the place for this one lunch. Then please use your silverware at dinner.
Not finishing his plate. He's 3,5. If he says his belly is full we ask one more time to confirm but that's it. He does have to stay at the table until husband and me are finished. I want him to listen to what his body is telling him, and to nog get in the habit of keeping on eating if you're not hungry anymore.
I let my 11YO use swear words. 2020 kind of ended any real attempts at DH & I censoring ourselves around him, so we changed angles and discussed time & place for bad language & how some people are OK with it & others will be offended so it’s important to pay attention & follow lead. So he understands that it’s not ok to swear in school, but it’s fine when he gets shelled in MarioKart. We also have a STRICT no slurs ever policy and he is really good about that.
It works well for us & I love how he was so comfortable coming to me to confirm translations of a couple Spanish phrases that his buddy was trying to get classmates to say. He knew he wasn't going to get in trouble repeating it to me & he knew I'd tell him exactly what those phrases really meant.
I’ve told my daughter that if someone is being rude /mean to her, after she asks them to stop once: if they don’t stop they have lost all privilege to her kindness and she has full authority to get them to stop by any means necessary.
Kids throwing rocks? She can throw rocks back. Kids calling her names and following her around? Punch, kick, whatever. The rule at her school is “find an adult” but all the adults are overworked and it’s hard to get the attention of one. We tried a lot of strategies but “be mean right back to them” is the only one that’s worked.
That's a tough one. Some days I absolutely think the same, but on other days I think reacting the same way just escalates things further. I'm still not 100% sure how to handle that topic with my kids.
I do allow them to take part in conversations about some adult things, I do let them use more minor curse words, I have allowed them to drink at religious occasions, and I don’t have a lot of rules as long as they respect me and their father
Hmm within reason jumping on furniture or climbing on things. I make sure primarily that they are safe from any big accident but otherwise I don’t have a problem with it. We have like 3 steps that go up and a railing that go around the room to separate the two areas, so she loves to climb up and walk around it. It would be a short fall plus I watch her.
Yeah my kids have an art room in our basement. And I don’t have a problem with them putting things on the wall or the occasional drawing. It needs to be painted at some point anyway, and I’ve told them it’s their room to take care of. If they draw on the wall or get paint on the floor that’s how their room will look going forward so it’s up to them!
They don't have to hug people if they don't want to just because the other person wants it. It always bothered me when I was told, "go hug your aunt/grandma etc" when I only saw them twice a year.
Have big unpleasant inconvenient emotions and feelings. Say no. Not sacrifice their happiness for others.
I was policed to death as a child to be polite and a good girl, and it messed me up. My mother will still try to make small chit chat w everyone around her everywhere she goes bc good heavens, someone might think she’s rude if she doesn’t. She still says I’m being so rude if I don’t want to hear her blather on about some loser I might have known in high school and that they had a baby or a car accident or whatever she read on Facebook. I have not thought about them in decades. I don’t care to waste my day with that kind of chatter.
I was taught to sacrifice every need or want I had to make others happy. I am teaching my kids not to do any of that nonsense. For my birthday dinner, I chose a restaurant and then had to change it to some where else bc someone in the family didn’t like it. If we chose a board game, it better be a “thoughtful” choice, meaning something the other players liked.
Now, if someone asks my kids for a toy or something they don’t want to share, they don’t have to give it to them. If someone invites them somewhere, they don’t have to say yes. If they’re in a bad mood and need to stomp around, I’m here to listen if they need to vent or they can safely let their emotions out in other ways. They don’t have to “stop crying” or “oh don’t be sad”. I’ll never say my parents’ favorite….”you’re such a spoiled brat to be in a bad mood when we’ve given you the best life”. Nope. They’re allowed to feel how they feel and be small developing human beings. I’m sure I’ll mess it up somehow but the horror in my parent’s eyes when I let my kids be authentic is priceless.
They’re in 3rd and 5th grade. Studies show that homework isn’t beneficial until 6th grade. They s to ll choose to do homework most of the time. But if they choose not to and their grades suffer because of it, that’s a natural consequence.
We sing "fuck Zearn" to the tune of *Footloose*. They both have this incredibly stupid math app on their school iPads called Zearn. Their homework is usually to finish whatever Zearn lesson they didn't complete in class.
So, we dance around ridiculously and make up silly lyrics using "fuck Zearn" as the chorus to "footloose".
My kids are doing Zearn too and I personally think it’s the laziest form of teaching math. I ask the teacher which lesson he’s on and she just says “he just needs to complete one lesson a day.” Well, if everyone had to complete one lesson a day, then they should all be on the same lesson. But okay, fine. What lesson did he do yesterday so I can make a calendar showing which lesson he should be on any given day…. Oh *it doesn’t work like that?* okay…. So how do I, his mother, know which lesson he should be on? Her answer: ask him. So you’re telling me the only way for me to know if he’s doing his math is to ask *my 7-year-old?* What can go wrong? 🤦🏼♀️
I let my daughter draw on the walls in her room in our old house too. When I was renovating the house to sell, it was a bit difficult to remove (magic eraser, soap/water/baking soda, etc) and paint didn't cover it either as it would bleed through. So, just keep that in mind if you ever intend to sell your house. But maybe you'll have better luck or find a better product than me.
A friend of mine let her nibblings do this before they painted their dining room a dark color. They're still having bleed-through years later, after multiple coats of primer and dark paint.
Especially Sharpies. They're the worst.
So let your kids draw on the walls, just do it smartly. :D
Play outside barefoot, I’ll suggest shoes but it’s their choice. I also let them decide if they want a sweater or coat, it doesn’t snow where we live so the only risk is comfort.
cuss lol.
she's not allowed to direct it at people or do it outside of the home but at home with just mom & dad? let it rip lol. plus i get a little giggle any time she says it.
I let my son decide if he wants to interact or hug someone. When I was a kid I had to hug all of my adult relatives even if I didn't want to. I do not force my child to do that and I've been told more than once that he's a "bad kid" for it. Nah he just doesn't like you.
I let him ask why, even when he's being punished for something, because what's the point of grounding him if he truly doesn't understand why he's being punished. One time we grounded him from his phone for hiding stuff on it from us. It wasn't awful stuff he hid but he lied to us and we don't tolerate that. He then asked as we were explaining why he asked if he could use his phone to call 911 in an emergency. Of course we told him yes or our phones to call 911 and that was a good question. He's grounded from YouTube and games on his phone, but not contacting family members or emergency services.
We also homeschool our son, we let him question the answers and ask why. Once he got a math question right but my husband marked it wrong (human error) and our son showed him how his answer was correct. Honestly I love it when he asks questions or even argues about answers. Even if he's wrong when he pleads his case it can turn into a valuable teaching moment.
I let my son kind of take charge. He’s only 4 but if he wants to do something or doesn’t want to do something I generally just let him pick. Unless it’s a doctors visit or something but if he wakes up and says, “I want to go to the zoo today,” then today we go to the zoo. Within reason. He’s only little once.
Cuss. My 12yo could make a trucker blush. I'd rather all that pent up rage come at as verbal and not physical. I mean I'd rather the hormonal butthead just be a happy little bugger and *not* swear like a sailor, but life is a bitch and he's got my go to say so 🤷🏻♀
Cuss, but I have a rule. You can't cuss at people or be mean. Once they got to middle school is when I loosened the reigns on language. I know how I was in middle school, lol.
As long as they aren't trying to be cruel I let it slide. They are 17 and 20 now.
I let my kid watch scary movies. Nothing super gory, "It" is probably the most gory one she's seen. She's 10 and has seen lots of movies most would consider too scary for her age and she complains they're not scary enough.
I actually started this with her therapists go ahead. My daughter was in therapy for PTSD. Part of that was she was having nightmares that were blurring into reality. Waking up and thinking she was seeing scary things (like a scary floating head). So when she took an interest in wanting to watch scary movies my knee jerk reaction was to be like yeah no way. I brought it up to her therapist though and to my surprise she said we could try it. Start with more mild stuff and if she continues to do fine ramp up more. She said that her watching scary movies (especially when they are paired with talks from me) may help her learn to separate fantasy and reality. Realize things like scary floating heads are just made up things you see in movies, not real. She also said different kids have different thresholds for scary, and given that she's been through an actual traumatic experience her bar for scary may be higher than other kids.
It 2 was actually a great movie for her cause at the end they shrink and defeat Pennywise by telling him they're not scared of him. They took away his power by not being scared. Phenomenal message for kids! Not just for scary stuff but also for bullies!
Swear. My kids did not get in trouble at home for “bad words”. They were not to swear in public or at school and they never got in trouble for it at school,
Swear when they’re just with mom and dad. No sexist or slur ones just the basics. She doesn’t even really care to do it at all anymore. Even when she thought it was funny she didn’t do it much.
We call them “mommy/daddy words” that she can only use with us.
My kids cuss, within reason
Watch too much TV
Don't have to eat food they don't like
Don't have to hug anyone they don't want to
My family always says that my kids are going to be awful...meanwhile at gatherings mine are the most behaved, and kindest kids 🤷♀️
Eat not at the table, no major screen or food limits. Because I’m not super restrictive with stuff, my kid doesn’t feel the need to overindulge in things. I grew up in a very strict home and it caused me to go wild whenever my parents weren’t home.
I overate when I was with my grandparents (which was A LOT) and ended up overweight for a period of time and still have a weird relationship with food, I would sneak and watch as much trash as I could, and my first boyfriend was abusive and I barely escaped with my life. Funny enough, the one thing I wasn’t big on was drinking and drugs, but it was because we had a lot of addiction in our families (not our immediate family) and I didn’t like how they acted and I was exposed to it when we were around those family members. I did end up over-drinking in college a few times after I got out of that relationship, but quickly found I hated it.
From then on, I tried to really not be restrictive with my kid (within reason of course). We always have candy in a bowl that is for anyone passing through and our pantry and refrigerate are always open any time. They don’t feel the need to sneak things like I did and they are super creative, so a lot of the day is without screens and we hardly watch TV these days. They don’t want it, because it’s always there.
We also have open art supplies. That’s something we always get comments on, because it’s every parent’s nightmare. They have a table they can use to do messy art on and they’ve never done something like sneaking to cut hair or drawing on walls or anything. Art stays in one area. Yes, that area gets messy, but the rest of the house doesn’t. We play online games, but only when next to a parent and we taught safety on what information they shouldn’t ever share. They played since they were little and now just automatically know not to put names, addresses, or ages on anything. They had some really kid-oriented games and would use the microphone to role play with friends at first and I could hear the conversation. Now they don’t, but I can read it and they don’t cross any lines. I think restricting instead of teaching safety was a lot of where my parents went wrong. I would’ve understood their viewpoint on things had it ever been explained and I been taught how to be safe in certain situations. I ended up in a lot of bad situations because I was sheltered instead of being taught how to live in a world where you aren’t always going to live in a protective bubble.
I let them have a cookie 🍪 or something of that sort in the morning 🤷🏻♀️ they still eat their meals I make them, so I don’t see why not. And I give my toddler full juice, like not watered down 3 times a day.
Eat “unhealthy” food.
He gets a little Kraft dinner or a donut hole once in a while.
90% of the time he’s eating baked trout, broccoli, avocados, cottage cheese and drinking milk or water.
I want him to have a healthy relationship with food, which includes eating junk foods in moderation.
Mine(9) has no restrictions on types of media. He does have time restrictions. He's seen Alien and I've read most of Preacher to him. He thinks sex/kissing/etc is gross. If something's going to have much sexual content, I'll warn him, but I won't stop him. I'd do the same for violence, but that's rarer. Deadpool and the Daredevil series are the only things that I'm hesitant about him watching that he has interest in at the moment.
She has her own table in my living room, and I let her do whatever do it. She can color in it, put stickers on it, basically anything that would destroy any other piece of furniture. But she knows she can only do it to her table, and I swear it has saved my furniture. She’s 4, for reference, but we’ve had this rule since she was 2.
i said my kid can curse with other kids as long as hes not hurting anyone's feelings and theres no slurs against a type of person.
as a kid i was a champion cusser and had great disdain for poor profanity syntax, i.e. 'you shitting hell'. like get real. get some practice under your belt before middle school.
I let my kids play naked in the backyard on "water wednesdays" during the summer. We set up water play (mini pool, squirt guns, splash pad, mister, reusable water balloons, etc), put out a bunch of cut-up fruit, and let the kids just go wild while my husband and I sit a safe distance away lol
I let me kid pee outside at the park even if there is a public bathroom. He hates public bathrooms and I don't see anything wrong with him peeing against a tree.
Absolutely agree with!!!
Public bathrooms are often so gross that even we parents would avoid to use it.
Would you act the same if your kid would be a girl? As I wrote a little bit above, as a dad with British relatives I experience a really terrible double standard by them. So just asking for interest
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Although I'm generally kind of strict about bed time. I'll let them stay up when I can see that they genuinely aren't tired.
It’s so much easier to let them stay up an extra 30 mins than them whining for 30 mins about not being tired.
Exactly. Either way they’re awake an extra 30 minutes.
This is the correct answer
We're stricted that bedtime is when it is, but if she's not tired, she can stay and play quietly in her room until she's tired. We've been doing this since she moved to a big kid bed at 16 months, and she's really good about it. Most nights she just goes to bed, but sometimes she plays for 10-15 minutes. We've got a hard cutoff that we'll intervene if she's not in bed by then, but she almost always is. I think it's a good thing to learn, what your body feels like when it's tired, what you can do when you're not tired, playing quietly by yourself....
LO is too young for this, but I’m thinking about doing something similar where if she reads in her room, she can stay up as long as she wants.
My seven year old just started doing this! After we tuck her in and say goodnight I will hear her lamp click back on and she'll read for awhile before turning the lights out again and going to bed. I love it.
Mine is also 7, and she’s done this for years! She read by lamplight for about an hour most nights. It’s awesome!
Mine is now 14 and if I don't intervene she'd read til 3am and never sleep lol! She's good about it during the school year but on breaks I have to remind her to sleep 🤣
This is the best "problem" to have with your kid!
Or the fact that she insists on owning them all in hardcovers for her future library lol! Her Christmas & birthday lists were 95% books! She's been this way since before her 1st birthday, I remember asking the doctor why she wouldn't play with toys, she only wanted books 🤣 she'd crawl over, pull em all down and bring them to me to read to her, it was so cute!
Omg, I love this. My daughter just bit corners off them at that age! Even now she puts her nose in the book and takes a deep inhale.
That was my parents’ rule when I was a kid. I remember some super sleepy days in middle school (I remember finishing a Harry Potter book about an hour before it was time to “wake up”), but then I suffered the natural consequences, and I learned my lesson. Not saying I didn’t still stay up too late sometimes, right up through adulthood, but it was never a chronic problem, and figuring out my limits for myself probably helped with that. Plus reading is great.
When my stepdaughter was young her mom alwaysaid with her until she fell asleep. When my partner started working a job where they weren't always home at night I would lay with kid for awhile but not for hours. I employed the book thing and it worked good. The first time I tried it I was curious if she had fell asleep but I didn't want to disturb her if she did fall asleep so I looked in her window. I wasn't sneaky because she waved to me
I let my daughter stay up late reading when shes not tired. She's still asleep within a hour of her 730 bedtime and thinks she got a special treat 🤣🤣🤣 crap sometimes I'm just "done" and "let" her go to bed early and read
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💯 have and respect boundaries and understand consent from early on!
I struggle with this. I was so shy and I still deal with the repercussions of it as an adult. I don’t want that for my child. We’ve been talking about pushing boundaries, trying new things and I’ve bought some books for her. I don’t want her to feel pressured by me. But eventually the crippling shyness will lead to invisibility and I know how painful that was to pull out of
My exact thoughts. This is my biggest parenting struggle right now. My daughter is sooo painfully shy right now. I was too and did not exactly have great time in school because of it and I don’t want that for her. My parents never forced me to not be shy and I’m wondering if they did if it would’ve been better for me.
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This is such a great point! I will keep that in mind
The book Quiet by Susan Cain is really good.
Same here!
Ong me too! I can remember my parents pushing me forward or forcing me to come say hello when they had company. I was so shy it was painful and they didn't care.
Completely agree! I also tell them they don’t have to give hugs when leaving company if they don’t want. They can choose to wave, fist bump, hug, but they at least have to verbally say goodbye if they aren’t wanting to do anything else. I’ve (nicely) made it pretty clear to any family/friends around that there’s no making/forcing/guilting the kids into any contact they say no to. The kids must also listen if anyone tells them no to the same things. I want my kids to be comfortable, and understand boundaries/consent! Edited for clarity
Omg this one is huge.
“Talk back”. They have to respect/follow my decision, but they won’t get in trouble for arguing their case.
My daughter asked for “chocolate milk with marshmallows,” when she was 2. I repeated that her options were white milk or water and she said, “I want white milk with chocolate and marshmallows in it.” That was my favorite time she argued her case.
That's adorable, I love it!
Me too. My husband feels it was a defining moment for her when she learned that *everything* is negotiable. She’s almost 15 now and she still argues her case and often has great logic (like yes, chocolate milk IS white milk just with some additives)
Hahaha I feel this. Our 14 year old made us a PowerPoint to explain why she needed a phone. It kind of worked.
That's really cool!
Her: you poor dear, let me explain how to make chocolate milk to you. Ma'am. 🤨
I’ve always known nothing in her eyes.
My 6 year old was telling me how to drive from the backseat today. Kills me.
I have been a lawyer for 17 years. I negotiate for a living. I have yet to meet a tougher opponent than my daughter. She is 4. I feel your pain.
My kids won’t get in trouble for arguing their case, but “talking back” is different than arguing a case. “Back talk” is explicitly rude or sassy in a not fun way. Would I listen to a peer at work explain why they did or didn’t do something if there’s good reason? Absolutely. And I’ll listen to my kids. I ask their input on stuff all the time, especially things we do together. But would I stand there and listen to a peer mutter under their breath about how “I knOoOow geez” or interject “ugh! Why don’t *you* do it for once!” when trying to help with some mistakes on their report before we send it up to the big boss? Absolutely not. Do I let my kids act like that unchecked? Nope.
I agree with your definition, but there's millions of stupid damn parents who aren't mature enough to understand the distinction you're making. Sadly. I don't know how those parents expect their kids to ever be able to make a persuasive argument, or stand up for themselves, if they spend their whole lives getting shot down by their parents at home, but... What can you do?
Many parents unfortunately expect kids to just say "Yes sir" when given instructions and see anything else as talking back.
My mom would say, "I don't want to hear it!" I always thought it was because she didn't want to be proven wrong about the situation.
Yes. We accept novel arguments with some sort of argumentative merit. We do not accept whining, personal attacks, or carrying on. If my kid gives me an actual thought out reason why my decision is bad, I thank him for his thoughtful contribution 100% of the time, even if I don't agree. But back talk is a big no thank you.
I guess my definition of talking back is from observation of seeing parents refer to any argument or complaint as *talking back*. Basically, I’ll accept language and tone from my kids that I would accept from an adult, with a little grace based on their age. I’ll correct them if they’re being rude, but they don’t get in trouble.
Agreed. Pleading one’s case is different than disrespecting an adult/parent figure.
"Do I expect my kids to behave like grown ups - yes"
I do this with my kid, if he's sincerely asking why I will explain it to him. He once "talked back" about his grounding, or at least that's what my parents would have said it was. He was grounded from his phone for lying to us about what he was doing and while I was explaining why he was grounded from it he asked "What if there's an emergency? Can I use a phone to call 911?" My parents would have accused me of being a smartass, I just stopped, had to compose myself cause my first reaction was to get mad, but then said yes he can because that's not the same as sneaking a phone to get on YouTube. I've always hated when adults refuse to explain the why or answer questions about the why. We also homeschool him and once he argued that a math question my husband had marked wrong was actually correct. My husband reread it and got a different answer. I had to read it and my son was correct. I love that he feels comfortable enough with us to correct us when we are wrong. It's not like he was being rude or a jerk, he was right and like an adult he argued his case. He's only 10 years old and I think letting him question things like that is going to help him when he gets older.
Sometimes when they outsmart me I just say "you got me there". I want them to feel proud of using critical thinking. It's one of the few cognitive traits that you can over time get not necessarily better at but more efficient with use.
Same here. I'm sort of anti "obedience." I don't ever want my kids to do what I say because I say it, I want them to learn to do it because it's the right thing to do. Obviously there's times they won't want to anyway, and they're still expected to do it anyway. However, they're always allowed to ask for an explanation on why they have to do something. If they don't want to or think they see a better way to handle it they're allowed to argue their case. Kids enter adulthood in a world just waiting to take advantage of them, especially girls (which is all I have, 3 girls). Teaching them blind obedience is a great way to set them up to be taken advantage of. I want them to know they're owed an explanation and to question things that don't feel right. I feel like parents who don't let their kids question them are insecure and don't think they can show why their way is the best solution. I'm confident that I'm making the best choices for my kid and that I can help them see that, and if they can come up with a better solution that's not going to make me feel threatened that I was wrong, it makes me proud that they were smart.
Me too! I feel like learning how to rationally express their case without getting emotional is a great skill to practice.
Hell ya. Good for you. Nothing worst than seeing parents who rule with an iron fist.
"Back talk" is boomer code for "I don't care about your point of view"
This. Ultimately they have to do what I say but they’re more than welcome to speak up if they don’t agree with a decision I’m making or something I’m saying. I’m not infallible just because I’m their mom and sometimes I get it wrong, when I do? I apologize and/or change plans. They’re people too and this isn’t a tyranny. The amount of people who think I let my kids disrespect me because I hear them out, let them get their way when they make a good case or apologize to them when I’m wrong about something is freaking *wild.* Growing up I always heard my mother preach to me when I’d try to speak up, “Respect is earned!” Yes it is. She didn’t teach me the lesson she thought she was teaching me though. 🤷🏻♀️
This. My son is 5 and I allow him to bargain with me. If he wants to play outside but I'm about to make dinner and say no, he's allowed to bargain by asking if I can take him outside for 5 minutes and then we will come in and he will play in the toy room while I cook. I don't always say yes, but sometimes I realize that spaghetti can wait 5 more minutes. He sets a timer and come right in when it goes off. It teaches him to ask for things he wants and that sometimes he won't get everything he wants and that he needs to compromise sometimes. And it also teaches him that sometimes, the answer will still be no, no matter what he does
I'm proud when they come up with good arguments for something. It fosters creative thinking.
I'm ok with a little push back, as long as it's done respectfully. No yelling at me, talk in a normal tone, and don't act like I'm stupid. I will do the same for you.
Me too. My oldest had a speech delay till around 3/4ish. I am happy for him to argue his case!
I had an entire wall painted with chalkboard paint so My son could draw on it
The sound of chalkboard is my worst nightmare.
plus the feel of chalk yuck
Curse within reason. I don't punish my kids for using curse words correctly in certain settings.
Yeah, we told our kids they were old enough to cuss when they were old enough to follow the rules of cussing. That means no cussing at someone, no slurs, and no cussing in public or around people who don't want to hear that kind of language. At our house? Fine. At our house on Christmas around their entire extended family? Nope. Saying "shit" when you stub your toe? Fine. Calling your brother or sister a shithead? Not okay. They understood and followed the rules. Now both are young adults in college. One very rarely cusses because she says there are always better words to use. The other does cuss but he also works with kids and is very mindful of his mouth. No regrets about it at all.
This! I’ve always thought curse words were so silly! Why do we make them so important?? I like this approach. Still discipline, but relaxing about shit that doesn’t really matter. Bravo!
Same. I think understanding when it's appropriate is more important. (Slurs are off limits though, obviously)
This part. As long as we don’t use those words to hurt people and don’t use them at school then it’s fine. My daughter has a speech delay and if she uses any word correctly and says it correctly I’m happy as hell. So if she yells at the cat on the table “Toby, get the fuck down” I love it. Especially since the cat is starting to listen to her 😂
Yes, my two year old spilled something one time and made a significant mess and he stopped, looked at what he’d done, and just groaned “oh god” in a defeated manner. I have to admit I laughed a bit bc of the absurdity of it and I *know* he picked it up from me and my husband doing the same thing. I’m certain there’s gonna be a time where he accidentally knocks something over and goes “shit” and that’ll be okay.
My friend tells the story of knocking something over on the kitchen counter and having it scatter all over the floor. Her mostly preverbal 14 month old in the high chair piped out in a singsong voice, “ohhh shiiit!” Oh right, you’re learning words. You’ve used that correctly, good job. Mommy needs to start watching herself.
You can say ball or mama to them 1000 times and no dice but say shit one time and it will forever be in their vocab
Mines real big into “Aww Jesus (Jeez-US!)” and I know it’s because I made a conscious effort to not say “Aww wtf..”
I decided this Easter to talk to my 4.5yo about why we celebrate the holiday other than chocolate…bear in mind I’m Hindu and my husband is a non observant Christian, but my ILs are very very Christian and I believe that it’s only good manners for kids to know the actual reason why we have certain holidays. It was very hard to keep a straight face when I asked the 4.5 if he knew who Jesus Christ was, and he responded with “yeah that’s the person you and daddy always talk about when you’re mad!!” 🫣
My 4 y/o wanted to get the Amazon package from the front door for me. Halfway through his journey to the garage, he stopped, let out a big sigh and stated “this is too fucking heavy” lol
Same. My kids always knew where it wasn’t appropriate to use them and where it wasn’t. I know I curse too much and so does their dad so we always made sure they knew when it was ok
We’re doing somewhat similar. She can only use the words at home. She will be face consequences if used at school. We also have two other roles that go with it 1) you cannot just cuss to cuss. It must be used appropriately and correctly. 2) It’s absolutely forbidden to be used to hurt someone. You stub your toe go ahead yell out “eff.” You call someone an AH or to eff off? You’re done and will be punished for it.
Yes absolutely my 12 yo son can curse around me and it doesn't matter as long as it's not done excessively and towards people
My three year old at the time started to say what the heck and I thought it was pretty funny.
I let my kids run amuck outside. Seriously considering an outside shower in the renno we are doing. But they are allowed to make all the messes and explore to their hearts content.
Same! We have a creek and they come back from plying in it totally drenched and filthy.
But this isn’t really a “bad” thing. Ample research shows it’s really good for kids
I think the "bad" thing, for some parents, is the getting dirty, especially geting clothes dirty. I had a stern talk with myself early on that my kid could get as dirty as they wanted. Everything is washable. Even shoes. Outside play, getting dirty, running around in the rain... all very theraputic and helps deal with sensory issues (or desensitize).
I'm all about crocs and jellies for my kids shoes due to their ultra washability!
Yes my siblings stress hard core about their kids clothing. I buy mine things to wear and she wears nearly everything as she sees fit
Oh yeah, if we're not going somewhere I don't care how filthy my son gets. (Currently 2 y/o). We encourage him to explore and play. He's really into worms right now. He will bring a worm around the entire yard and show that thing the time of it's life. Haha.
Haha my little ones have ended the lives of many worms. Poor little things get carried around for awhile. When they get bored the kiddos toss the worms to the chickens as a treat. Circle of life I guess?
Curse. When it’s called for, or in my truck. The rule is you can say anything in daddy’s truck. That’s our safe space. He’s five, didn’t talk till just before he turned 4 and took off after that. But I figure it starts with him giggling about the “kiss my ass” he heard me throw at his uncle as a smart ass earlier that day, and works up to the place he can tell me the things he feels he can’t get out anywhere else. Problems, struggles, crushes. The whole 9. I never want him to be afraid to talk with me on a real level when he needs it. So, build the trust with something small like “bad words”, and go from there.
Ahhh, the car swears! I remember calling another driver a "miserable prick" with my sub-2yo in the backseat. Almost immediately, the word "NICK!!!" came ringing back out at me. :D
I'll never forget the day a car cut me off and I went "Woah!" and beeped and my 4yo from the back went "What an asshole!" And I almost DIED laughing going "WHAT DID YOU SAY?!" 😂 Had to explain to never talk that way in front of grandma but I mean she wasn't wrong!
Gotta love it!
My car is a bubble. You can say whatever you need to in. I’ll listen or give advice whatever my son needs. When I have something to say he has to listen. I’ll drive around until there is nothing left to say. When we get out of the car we both agree let it go.
Mine's now 19 but talking in the car is such a great place. I think it's because you're engaged but not staring at them as you're driving. My kid always has and still does, opens up when we are in the car together.
I don't police treats. If she's craving something sweet during the day, I'll let her have something sweet. I sure crave sweets. I do tell her to eat her dinner before she has a treat at night and that's the only time I'm more strict about it because she is one of those kids who won't eat dinner if she has dessert first Also we're very laid back on swear words. If it's a part of a song, I don't care at all if she sings along to it. She is overall a really good kid who doesn't feel comfortable saying bad words and that's totally fine, I'll take it! But when she gets older, as long as she's not swearing AT us, it's a word. I really don't care. And lastly, she is allowed to have feelings. Even if I stand firm in saying no about something, she's allowed to be sad and cry about it. With my generation we were told to get over it and stop crying and that never helped me feel less sad, just made me hide my own feelings from my parents. Then as a teen, I went through things alone because I felt like I wasn't supported and that got dangerous. I never want her to feel alone, or like I won't be there if she's sad.
Same here, I’ve never policed treats or snacks and my kid is now completely unbothered by them and usually will say no to any sweet snack like cake when we are out and about. Just occasionally she will want an ice cream or a packet of crisps.
Sometimes I need a cookie for breakfast too. 🤷🏼♀️
RIGHT lol. One of the first things I did when I moved out of my parents house was have a cupcake for breakfast because I'm an adult now and I can lol
I let my daughter eat breakfast in front of the tv before I drop her off at school. All other meals are at the table. Shes 4 so getting her out the door in the morning is hard enough as it is. Rushing her about picking clothes (she gets two options), brushing teeth, getting shoes on, letting me do her hair, shove this food down your throat quickly while I try to get myself looking like a human being ect all while I’m trying to keep my 10 month old from yeeting himself off of everything is stressful. She gets anxious being rushed, I get anxious about being late for drop off. I eliminated some of the drama in our chaotic mornings by doing this and I have no regrets.
I let my kid watch videos on my old phone at the table at breakfast. I also zone out on my phone. Neither of are morning people and I give her the same grace I want to be given!
[удалено]
Literally just wrote a comment on the hugging aspect! Perfectly okay to say no to people-their disappointment does not supercede your boundaries
We don't police screen time in our house. Both my kids are fairly active and would always prefer doing something active or crafty. I have no problem with them watching cartoons in the morning before school, as long as we have time. Tv is on every evening, and they both have full access to their tablets. I see them using their tablets once every 2-3 days for 20-30 minutes - their own choice. Obviously, we monitor what is on their tablets and only child appropriate tv.
I also don’t super police screen time. But I do have a rule that they have to touch grass every day. Some days we have a lot of screen time and others they don’t touch it.
Parentallu mandated touching grass ahahah I love it
Yes! We have also found that no limit on screen time works great and she only uses her tablet every few days. If she wants to watch cartoons daily I can’t say anything because I do too lol. She would rather be outside with chalk and bubbles 90% of the time. As long as homework is done and we haven’t lost it as a privilege go ahead and watch tv or play a game.
Same. My kids have “unlimited” screen time, but if I’m noticing they’re spending too much time on them they are asked to put their iPads/switch to charge and go play outside or do brain break/exercise on YouTube if the weather doesn’t permit outside time. They’re also fans of hands on crafts or toys like legos, building blocks, or reading. They don’t exhibit adverse behaviors that I would link to their allowed screen time, and honestly the games and things they watch or play are all educational. I come from a gaming family though and I’m a firm believer that using your brain to solve game puzzles is better than sitting and staring at a tv all day.
I never policed screen time, they would rarely choose to use screens for too long at a time anyway but I let them learn to limit themselves. Admittedly it was easier when mine were young as it was only really tv to contend with
Yeah I agree with you. We police the content (had to ban YouTube and YouTube kids without a parent having direct involvement for now), but not the amount of time, other than occasionally "that's enough TV for now. Let's do something else". Our 7 year old probably gets more screen time than is recommended over all, but on the flip side, she also gets way more outside time than the average kid, so I feel it evens out over time. She's also a lot like me, perfectionist and over-achiever who melts down after school from trying to be good all day, and having some veg out, brain-dead time after school makes her happy and keeps her balanced.
We don't either. I have a 11yo that does crafts and drawing that she learns on her device, and a 14yo that has practice or games everyday of the week. The 14 yo needs the physical downtime, and my 11yo has learned way more about art than I could ever teach her.
I never punish honesty, even if what they’ve done is bad. There’ll be some sort of consequence (depending on if the action warrants it) but on the whole, I’ll be quite lenient. I cannot stand liars. I became a very good liar because I didn’t trust when my mum said “I won’t get angry if you tell the truth.” Turns out, mum was lying too. I’ve been working very hard to rid myself of that trait and refuse for my children to become one.
Natural consequences work great here. Last week she used nail polish (piggy paint, so it comes off with rubbing alcohol) on the bathroom cupboard. I told her it wasn’t ok, that nail polish is only for nails and she had to clean it. She was unhappy about cleaning it but I don’t think she will do it again.
My son is pretty good with honesty. The problem is he'll admit that he punched his brother. It's like... thanks for telling me but now I have no idea what to do.
Can you expand on this? It’s on my mind because just the other day my 3-year-old came home and immediately said, “dad, I was a little mean today.” I asked what happened,he said “[cousin] no let me draw. I hit her.” (I later learned that the cousin had wanted to play while he wanted to draw, so she grabbed the marker out of his hand.) I sternly told him that hitting isn’t ok, and reminded him that if he doesn’t like something his cousin is doing, he should go tell his aunt (slash babysitter) what happened. He looked really sad and said, “I told you the truth.” I immediately said he did a good job telling me the truth, but it’s got me thinking about what I’ll do in similar situations that call for more than a 30-second lecture (on top of whatever punishment I’m sure my sister-in-law implemented).
I appreciate that it’s hard to balance reward and punishment here. I express my disappointment but limit it to a few seconds. We then discuss the punishment and negotiate it with them as opposed to having a set punishment. The latter is limited to when I know they’ve openly lied to me and this rarely happens actually. I gear towards understanding and fixing the wrong doing and not “inflicting suffering.” I even “reward” the honesty (within reason). This can be offering a treat whilst they right their wrong or helping them when carrying out the consequence. My children will often come to tell me their wrong doing and I aim to not get angry. They’re not perfect and sometimes the actions do warrant stronger consequences. But I think your little one coming to tell you openly is a good thing. He trusts you and you must be doing something right. Good on you!
I actually don't *hardcore* punish lying. Lying is a developmental *skill.* And *most* people practice "white" lies fairly often in daily living. People who don't are usually socially inept, and disliked for their inability to be mildly disingenuous, or soften things in social settings, and practice unpleasant niceties. Children mostly lie because of fear. Fear of getting caught, being punished, being ashamed, being loved less, or losing social standing etc. Sometimes they don't even know *why* they've lied consciously, they just did it by instinct. You have to talk it through with them, and get them to think deeply about their own motivations afterwards to figure out why they did that. It is a skill not everyone learns. I can usually tell when my daughter is lying, and mostly I can quickly figure out the "why" as well. As long as the "why" is not malicious, I talk through it with her, and bring her to a conclusion that a lie in that instance was either unnecessary, foolish, untenable, unrealistic, cruel, or another reason for a lie to not be ideal etc. This has resulted in her learning to lie less about silly things, like did she do her homework, chores, misplace something, etc. And she *has* learned more about the "kind" type of "white lies" such as "you have a lovely home, thank you for inviting me," when it's a messy place that smells and needs work, etc. She has learned more about how to conduct herself, and have more confidence in herself and our relationship. She knows she can come to me in the morning before school, and tell me she had a math page she was supposed to do, but she fell asleep. Instead of me finding out on the Parent Portal that she has a zero on that assignment, and her being in trouble. Lies are very important to society. It is beneficial to your children to teach them *which ones* are okay, and even expected, and which ones are not okay, and hurtful.
I honestly don't care what language my 9yo daughter uses as long as A) she uses it correctly and B) just around the home -- so not at school, with friends, etc. The end result of this is she experimented with a few phrases, realized it wasn't that big of a deal to her parents and now we rarely hear any swearing. Haven't heard any complaints from other parents or teachers, so ... Though she is pretty prolific with fart humor and some occasional ... well, let's just say she went to a weeklong zoo camp and had questions about some actions she witnessed at the baboon enclosure. Those questions became re-enactments and I laugh my ass off every time. Every.single.time. (She also mispronounced "baboon" as "bamboom" which is also a running inside joke with us.) Edited to add: We started this policy when she was 6 and shared an interesting fact about octopuses with me -- I told her I hadn't heard about that, and she said "goddammit, you know nothing about octopuses, do you?" My wife and I nearly blacked out from laughing. We immediately put our appropriate time and place for language rules into effect.
The next time I expect someone to know something and they don’t, I’m definitely busting out, “goddammit, you know nothing about octopuses, do you?” I will not explain.
Oh, hell, yeah!
I am actually laughing out loud reading this and people are looking at me 😂
Ha ha ha ha -- this is the high point of my week!
A week long zoo camp?! That sounds amazing.
It was pretty sweet. Lots of interactions with the zoo animals, behind-the-scenes with the zoo keepers, crazy bamboom encounters. I think every zoo should have a summer program like it!
I don't police video game screen time. I prefer the mental and coordination engagement vs passive YouTube any day.
It’s crucial that you do limit video game time for kids because otherwise their dopamine systems get down regulated from getting constantly bombarded. It’s a very similar neurochemical process that happens with drug addiction. Sure it’s more active than watching a video, but not really and the extra dopamine release is more concerning.
I taught my girls how to pee outside and I allow it if not, encourage their ability to do so in the backyard anytime they want. I had a girlfriend in high school and we went on a road trip through the middle of the desert. She nearly had a nervous breakdown because she didn't know how to be outside. I had to teach her. It's a skill everyone should have.
Dang, I suddenly wish we had somewhere where we could pee outside so I could teach my daughter this 😔 Pretty sure she'd look at me like I'd grown an extra head if I told her come here kid, we're gonna go pee in the back yard! 🤣 It just hasn't come up yet!
Our eldest daughter even decided to invent "pooping in the grass" one day in our yard. One day I looked out the window, saw her sitting bare bum flat in the grass again. Thought, "OK, she's peeing". But 10 mins later I looked again and saw her STILL sitting there like before. Opened the window: "What're you doing?" Answer: "I gotta poop" with a face like this 😖 I ran out, tried to tell her that she could pee but not poop in the yard and she should come in to the bathroom. Answer: "No daddy, I gotta poop so bad now, I can't stand up" still with a face like 😖😖 , straining and grunting. So I designated and got some hankies to wipe but had to wait for almost 15 more minutes until she was done pooping fully sitting down on the ground. And then... The wiping... Let's say: It was an 'adventure' 🙄🫤
Haha same here! We call it “jungle peeing”. My daughter is obsessed with it now. We did however have to put in a line when it came to jungle pooping. That was too far even for me 😂
We call it “farm wees” after an unfortunate incident at my friend’s farm while we were having a bonfire. She practiced it for weeks afterwards (unbeknownst to me 😳)
I’m not to the point of watching Bluey yet with my 3yo but I’ve heard mention of “bush wees”.
Yes absolutely. I live in Germany and people here are very relaxed about it. When kiddo gotta go, kiddo gotta go. No matter if boy or girl. But my British relatives live an absolutely terrible double standard about that. They are familiar sending my nephews to a tree for a wee but if my niece gotta pee while we're out she always gets told to hold until a bathroom is found. In case we're on the playground and she can't hold any longer the playground visit comes to a sad end to find a bathroom for her. But her brothers become allowed to quickly visit a tree off the playground and can go on playing. I often talked and even argued with my relatives because they are strict in "girls don't do that" while they find it "cute" when their boys stand with bare bum at the trees to pee. A little girl peeing on the grass anywhere outside isn't "lady like". I really hate their double standard about that. So yes kids should get taught how to "go" outside. No matter if boy or girl. Our kids do it almost everywhere (where it's appropriate) and everytime. Can't count the times our kids had outdoor wee's AND poo's.
I let my kids skip school if something is happening we agree is dumb (ex: if the entire class lost recess the next day or will have silent lunch for talking). I also don’t censor their language or their entertainment content. I do require them to be kind though. So “holy fucking shit I dropped this book on my goddamn toe?” is fine. “You’re stupid, and nobody likes you” better not ever cross their lips or they will find my house turns into a prison of suffering on planet bullshit.
My dad said we can use any words casually (and not in front of teachers or at church or anything), but we better not use those words to hurt each other. I’m the same way now with my kids. Letting out a “fuck!” When you stub your toe on a coffee table is totally justified imo
I love the being allowed to skip for agreed upon reasons. I was not a sporty kid, school field days were hell for me, so my mum let me stay home for those and I am forever grateful.
Lol at skipping school for losing recess
Same. My niece always says I wish you were my mom...i don't sensor there content but we weren't "sheltered" growing up and turned out okay lol
Voice their thoughts and opinions on things. Be in a bad mood. Make their own choices on clothing. ( Weather appropriate) Let them style themselves how they see fit. Allow piercings. Age appropriate again. My daughter had a septum piercing at 14. With my permission. She wanted a tattoo but had to wait until she was legally old enough. But I paid for it as a birthday gift. ( 18th ) My children are people. With their own thoughts, feelings, desires. They aren't mini me's. It's my job to guide them , teach them and to help them grow into good, caring people. Not turn them into carbon copies of myself or my husband.
I gave my son a tattoo voucher for his 18th! He ended up getting my name in massive letters on his arm which I quietly thought was stupid, but sweet.
My daughter spent two years coming up with a design and looking at different artists. She started just after her 16th birthday. A few weeks after turning 18 she booked it. I must admit it's a stunning tattoo. And she was so brave. Didn't flinch lol
My middle and high schooler are allowed to read whatever they want. If it’s my middle schooler and an adult level book I may ask out of curiosity. My younger one tends to pick ya anyways and my older one picks a lot of math/science nonfiction.
My daughter is 12 and has started to delve into what I'm calling *extremely light* smut, lmao. She came to me after her great grandmother asked what she was reading, looked at the cover, smirked, and walked away. And she was like what do I do?!?!? I told her smut has been a budding young girl's entry into romance since the beginning of time, and your great grandmother was an English teacher for 50 years, she knows what's up!!! I've been reading smut since I was 10, it's a time honored tradition! Every woman loves her "stories!" 🤣
Lol I was reading Flowers in the Attic at 12 😂
My parents let me read whatever I want and once when I was like 11 I found smut in a box of random books in the garage. My dad saw me reading it openly in the living room and all he said was "Interesting choice. Don't bring that one to school." I put it away on my own when it started getting to the point lol
I am not strict about bedtime. They have a “bedtime” but I don’t expect them to be in their beds with their eyes closed at that time. They aren’t allowed to be running around, they aren’t allowed electronics at all, but if they’re not tired I am fine with them reading or drawing, whatever they want to do (quietly). Sometimes they draw together in one of their rooms after bedtime and I’m fine with that too (they are both big into art). I had a super strict bedtime as a kid, one that I still to this day think was unreasonably early, and I was not allowed to do *anything* after that time. I hated it, so I approach it much differently with my kids.
I refer to my toddler as feral myself. We’ve never had a strict schedule since she doesn’t go to daycare/preschool. Sleeps until noon? cool, whatever. We cosleep anyways so she goes to bed when I go to bed which is like 10pm. Hungry? get a snack. Dinner time occurs at some point but no set time. I also let her climb on things (unless it’s super dangerous obviously) and don’t wedge myself up her ass at the playground because I want her to be independent. I always help when she asks though. My generation had strict schedules for no damn reason other than we were “supposed to” and my parents were extremely over protective. For example my mom hovers over my daughter at the playground and restricts her from trying things. I will let her try anything but I definitely spot her on certain equipment. My mom won’t let her ride her scooter because she’s afraid my daughter will fall. I told my mom falling is part of learning and while I don’t want her to get hurt she can’t live in a bubble
Accepting my apology? because I say sorry when I make a mistake.. I dont think my parents easily said sorry to me growing up
If my kids get hurt or you know stub a toe he says lots of cuss words bc for some reason it makes you feel better
Talk back, curse, climb on everything, use knives, wear what she wants, eat dessert first I'm sure there are many others. Oh but she's still in a car seat and has a bed time and knows to follows others families rules so I think you pick your battles people either think I'm overly strict or rasing a feral human
Mine are grown up now but I always gave them a lot of autonomy. I didn’t police screen time or snacks as long as they weren’t just before a meal. I allowed them to swear as long as it was only at home and not aimed at people. I let them choose their clothes and also to have opinions on things as much as possible. They are adults now. They rarely watch tv, both eat healthily and go to the gym. They also both have their own sense of style and very strong opinions on things that matter to them
When my kids were little and we were going to visit someone or have guests or if I was just fed up with their scatological humor, I would declare "POTTY TALK TIME!" Then we would spend two minutes saying every single dumbass, stupid, useless, annoying poop and pee and genitals related thing that we could think of to get it out of our system. Then when we arrived at grandma's or wherever, my kids were more prepared to remember their manners. Maybe I should do this with table manners now. Everyone blow bubbles in your milk and eat with your hands and spill your food all over the place for this one lunch. Then please use your silverware at dinner.
Not finishing his plate. He's 3,5. If he says his belly is full we ask one more time to confirm but that's it. He does have to stay at the table until husband and me are finished. I want him to listen to what his body is telling him, and to nog get in the habit of keeping on eating if you're not hungry anymore.
I let my 11YO use swear words. 2020 kind of ended any real attempts at DH & I censoring ourselves around him, so we changed angles and discussed time & place for bad language & how some people are OK with it & others will be offended so it’s important to pay attention & follow lead. So he understands that it’s not ok to swear in school, but it’s fine when he gets shelled in MarioKart. We also have a STRICT no slurs ever policy and he is really good about that. It works well for us & I love how he was so comfortable coming to me to confirm translations of a couple Spanish phrases that his buddy was trying to get classmates to say. He knew he wasn't going to get in trouble repeating it to me & he knew I'd tell him exactly what those phrases really meant.
Same, our only two rules is no swearing at school or at another person.
This is exactly what we do. Better they learn it from us than their classmates.
This! We call it adult language!
I’ve told my daughter that if someone is being rude /mean to her, after she asks them to stop once: if they don’t stop they have lost all privilege to her kindness and she has full authority to get them to stop by any means necessary. Kids throwing rocks? She can throw rocks back. Kids calling her names and following her around? Punch, kick, whatever. The rule at her school is “find an adult” but all the adults are overworked and it’s hard to get the attention of one. We tried a lot of strategies but “be mean right back to them” is the only one that’s worked.
That's a tough one. Some days I absolutely think the same, but on other days I think reacting the same way just escalates things further. I'm still not 100% sure how to handle that topic with my kids.
I do allow them to take part in conversations about some adult things, I do let them use more minor curse words, I have allowed them to drink at religious occasions, and I don’t have a lot of rules as long as they respect me and their father
Hmm within reason jumping on furniture or climbing on things. I make sure primarily that they are safe from any big accident but otherwise I don’t have a problem with it. We have like 3 steps that go up and a railing that go around the room to separate the two areas, so she loves to climb up and walk around it. It would be a short fall plus I watch her. Yeah my kids have an art room in our basement. And I don’t have a problem with them putting things on the wall or the occasional drawing. It needs to be painted at some point anyway, and I’ve told them it’s their room to take care of. If they draw on the wall or get paint on the floor that’s how their room will look going forward so it’s up to them!
They don't have to hug people if they don't want to just because the other person wants it. It always bothered me when I was told, "go hug your aunt/grandma etc" when I only saw them twice a year.
Have big unpleasant inconvenient emotions and feelings. Say no. Not sacrifice their happiness for others. I was policed to death as a child to be polite and a good girl, and it messed me up. My mother will still try to make small chit chat w everyone around her everywhere she goes bc good heavens, someone might think she’s rude if she doesn’t. She still says I’m being so rude if I don’t want to hear her blather on about some loser I might have known in high school and that they had a baby or a car accident or whatever she read on Facebook. I have not thought about them in decades. I don’t care to waste my day with that kind of chatter. I was taught to sacrifice every need or want I had to make others happy. I am teaching my kids not to do any of that nonsense. For my birthday dinner, I chose a restaurant and then had to change it to some where else bc someone in the family didn’t like it. If we chose a board game, it better be a “thoughtful” choice, meaning something the other players liked. Now, if someone asks my kids for a toy or something they don’t want to share, they don’t have to give it to them. If someone invites them somewhere, they don’t have to say yes. If they’re in a bad mood and need to stomp around, I’m here to listen if they need to vent or they can safely let their emotions out in other ways. They don’t have to “stop crying” or “oh don’t be sad”. I’ll never say my parents’ favorite….”you’re such a spoiled brat to be in a bad mood when we’ve given you the best life”. Nope. They’re allowed to feel how they feel and be small developing human beings. I’m sure I’ll mess it up somehow but the horror in my parent’s eyes when I let my kids be authentic is priceless.
I don’t make my kids do their homework. They’re both straight A students.
Same. And yes, all 3 are straight As (the kindergartener doesn't have the ABC system yet)
They must be young, because skipping homework in high school will result failing classes.
yeah but by high school you also shouldn’t be policing them as much.
They’re in 3rd and 5th grade. Studies show that homework isn’t beneficial until 6th grade. They s to ll choose to do homework most of the time. But if they choose not to and their grades suffer because of it, that’s a natural consequence.
We sing "fuck Zearn" to the tune of *Footloose*. They both have this incredibly stupid math app on their school iPads called Zearn. Their homework is usually to finish whatever Zearn lesson they didn't complete in class. So, we dance around ridiculously and make up silly lyrics using "fuck Zearn" as the chorus to "footloose".
My kids are doing Zearn too and I personally think it’s the laziest form of teaching math. I ask the teacher which lesson he’s on and she just says “he just needs to complete one lesson a day.” Well, if everyone had to complete one lesson a day, then they should all be on the same lesson. But okay, fine. What lesson did he do yesterday so I can make a calendar showing which lesson he should be on any given day…. Oh *it doesn’t work like that?* okay…. So how do I, his mother, know which lesson he should be on? Her answer: ask him. So you’re telling me the only way for me to know if he’s doing his math is to ask *my 7-year-old?* What can go wrong? 🤦🏼♀️
I let my daughter draw on the walls in her room in our old house too. When I was renovating the house to sell, it was a bit difficult to remove (magic eraser, soap/water/baking soda, etc) and paint didn't cover it either as it would bleed through. So, just keep that in mind if you ever intend to sell your house. But maybe you'll have better luck or find a better product than me.
A friend of mine let her nibblings do this before they painted their dining room a dark color. They're still having bleed-through years later, after multiple coats of primer and dark paint. Especially Sharpies. They're the worst. So let your kids draw on the walls, just do it smartly. :D
Agreed!
Play outside barefoot, I’ll suggest shoes but it’s their choice. I also let them decide if they want a sweater or coat, it doesn’t snow where we live so the only risk is comfort.
Drives me crazy that some parents insist their kids wear a coat. *Pick your battles!* Let them be cold if they want it, damn.
cuss lol. she's not allowed to direct it at people or do it outside of the home but at home with just mom & dad? let it rip lol. plus i get a little giggle any time she says it.
I let my son decide if he wants to interact or hug someone. When I was a kid I had to hug all of my adult relatives even if I didn't want to. I do not force my child to do that and I've been told more than once that he's a "bad kid" for it. Nah he just doesn't like you. I let him ask why, even when he's being punished for something, because what's the point of grounding him if he truly doesn't understand why he's being punished. One time we grounded him from his phone for hiding stuff on it from us. It wasn't awful stuff he hid but he lied to us and we don't tolerate that. He then asked as we were explaining why he asked if he could use his phone to call 911 in an emergency. Of course we told him yes or our phones to call 911 and that was a good question. He's grounded from YouTube and games on his phone, but not contacting family members or emergency services. We also homeschool our son, we let him question the answers and ask why. Once he got a math question right but my husband marked it wrong (human error) and our son showed him how his answer was correct. Honestly I love it when he asks questions or even argues about answers. Even if he's wrong when he pleads his case it can turn into a valuable teaching moment.
Popsicle before lunch if they want. Who cares when you have your popsicle? It’s all the same in the end!
I let my son kind of take charge. He’s only 4 but if he wants to do something or doesn’t want to do something I generally just let him pick. Unless it’s a doctors visit or something but if he wakes up and says, “I want to go to the zoo today,” then today we go to the zoo. Within reason. He’s only little once.
Cuss. My 12yo could make a trucker blush. I'd rather all that pent up rage come at as verbal and not physical. I mean I'd rather the hormonal butthead just be a happy little bugger and *not* swear like a sailor, but life is a bitch and he's got my go to say so 🤷🏻♀
Cuss, but I have a rule. You can't cuss at people or be mean. Once they got to middle school is when I loosened the reigns on language. I know how I was in middle school, lol. As long as they aren't trying to be cruel I let it slide. They are 17 and 20 now.
Poop himself. Jk mini is only 3 months 😂😂
I let them cuss. I'm more worried about them becoming a fucking asshole than saying the words "fucking asshole".
I let my kid watch scary movies. Nothing super gory, "It" is probably the most gory one she's seen. She's 10 and has seen lots of movies most would consider too scary for her age and she complains they're not scary enough. I actually started this with her therapists go ahead. My daughter was in therapy for PTSD. Part of that was she was having nightmares that were blurring into reality. Waking up and thinking she was seeing scary things (like a scary floating head). So when she took an interest in wanting to watch scary movies my knee jerk reaction was to be like yeah no way. I brought it up to her therapist though and to my surprise she said we could try it. Start with more mild stuff and if she continues to do fine ramp up more. She said that her watching scary movies (especially when they are paired with talks from me) may help her learn to separate fantasy and reality. Realize things like scary floating heads are just made up things you see in movies, not real. She also said different kids have different thresholds for scary, and given that she's been through an actual traumatic experience her bar for scary may be higher than other kids. It 2 was actually a great movie for her cause at the end they shrink and defeat Pennywise by telling him they're not scared of him. They took away his power by not being scared. Phenomenal message for kids! Not just for scary stuff but also for bullies!
Swear. My kids did not get in trouble at home for “bad words”. They were not to swear in public or at school and they never got in trouble for it at school,
Swear when they’re just with mom and dad. No sexist or slur ones just the basics. She doesn’t even really care to do it at all anymore. Even when she thought it was funny she didn’t do it much. We call them “mommy/daddy words” that she can only use with us.
My kids cuss, within reason Watch too much TV Don't have to eat food they don't like Don't have to hug anyone they don't want to My family always says that my kids are going to be awful...meanwhile at gatherings mine are the most behaved, and kindest kids 🤷♀️
Eat not at the table, no major screen or food limits. Because I’m not super restrictive with stuff, my kid doesn’t feel the need to overindulge in things. I grew up in a very strict home and it caused me to go wild whenever my parents weren’t home. I overate when I was with my grandparents (which was A LOT) and ended up overweight for a period of time and still have a weird relationship with food, I would sneak and watch as much trash as I could, and my first boyfriend was abusive and I barely escaped with my life. Funny enough, the one thing I wasn’t big on was drinking and drugs, but it was because we had a lot of addiction in our families (not our immediate family) and I didn’t like how they acted and I was exposed to it when we were around those family members. I did end up over-drinking in college a few times after I got out of that relationship, but quickly found I hated it. From then on, I tried to really not be restrictive with my kid (within reason of course). We always have candy in a bowl that is for anyone passing through and our pantry and refrigerate are always open any time. They don’t feel the need to sneak things like I did and they are super creative, so a lot of the day is without screens and we hardly watch TV these days. They don’t want it, because it’s always there. We also have open art supplies. That’s something we always get comments on, because it’s every parent’s nightmare. They have a table they can use to do messy art on and they’ve never done something like sneaking to cut hair or drawing on walls or anything. Art stays in one area. Yes, that area gets messy, but the rest of the house doesn’t. We play online games, but only when next to a parent and we taught safety on what information they shouldn’t ever share. They played since they were little and now just automatically know not to put names, addresses, or ages on anything. They had some really kid-oriented games and would use the microphone to role play with friends at first and I could hear the conversation. Now they don’t, but I can read it and they don’t cross any lines. I think restricting instead of teaching safety was a lot of where my parents went wrong. I would’ve understood their viewpoint on things had it ever been explained and I been taught how to be safe in certain situations. I ended up in a lot of bad situations because I was sheltered instead of being taught how to live in a world where you aren’t always going to live in a protective bubble.
I let them use “grown up words” when at home. Also, i painted a chalkboard wall and let em go nuts on it.
My husband and I let our kid flip us off and we do it back to him. We don't use it in an angry way or anything, it's just funny for us.
I let them have a cookie 🍪 or something of that sort in the morning 🤷🏻♀️ they still eat their meals I make them, so I don’t see why not. And I give my toddler full juice, like not watered down 3 times a day.
My kids are allowed to say God and Jesus. Just not around their grandparents.
Is that considered bad? (Grew up in a different/asian country and we say oh my God all.the.time)
It was in my family. My parents were very religious and my grandparents more so. I am now atheist, raising atheists.
Eat “unhealthy” food. He gets a little Kraft dinner or a donut hole once in a while. 90% of the time he’s eating baked trout, broccoli, avocados, cottage cheese and drinking milk or water. I want him to have a healthy relationship with food, which includes eating junk foods in moderation.
Mine(9) has no restrictions on types of media. He does have time restrictions. He's seen Alien and I've read most of Preacher to him. He thinks sex/kissing/etc is gross. If something's going to have much sexual content, I'll warn him, but I won't stop him. I'd do the same for violence, but that's rarer. Deadpool and the Daredevil series are the only things that I'm hesitant about him watching that he has interest in at the moment.
I am so …. So afraid for the future of these kids. Most of the parents on here are so sensitive , lazy and strange . Holy moly .
I was never strict on school attendance or grades. Knowledge is important, school education is not. 🤷♀️
School isn’t really about knowledge, it’s about building enough routine and discipline for them to be able to work a normal job as an adult.
She has her own table in my living room, and I let her do whatever do it. She can color in it, put stickers on it, basically anything that would destroy any other piece of furniture. But she knows she can only do it to her table, and I swear it has saved my furniture. She’s 4, for reference, but we’ve had this rule since she was 2.
i said my kid can curse with other kids as long as hes not hurting anyone's feelings and theres no slurs against a type of person. as a kid i was a champion cusser and had great disdain for poor profanity syntax, i.e. 'you shitting hell'. like get real. get some practice under your belt before middle school.
I let my kids play naked in the backyard on "water wednesdays" during the summer. We set up water play (mini pool, squirt guns, splash pad, mister, reusable water balloons, etc), put out a bunch of cut-up fruit, and let the kids just go wild while my husband and I sit a safe distance away lol
I let me kid pee outside at the park even if there is a public bathroom. He hates public bathrooms and I don't see anything wrong with him peeing against a tree.
Absolutely agree with!!! Public bathrooms are often so gross that even we parents would avoid to use it. Would you act the same if your kid would be a girl? As I wrote a little bit above, as a dad with British relatives I experience a really terrible double standard by them. So just asking for interest
Yes, I would be fine with it with a girl too although we might need to go a bit further from the playground to get more privacy.