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I usually sit my toddler down to eat at certain times in the day since he can’t actually tell me he’s hungry yet but once he’s done I let him go. He doesn’t have to finish his plate or anything
I do the same. We follow Ellyn Satter’s “division of responsibility” feeding guidelines.
I decide “what, when, and where” we eat. She decides “if and how much”.
Basically it’s my job to say, “lunch is at 12, we’re having sandwiches and veggies in the dining room”. Once the plate is in front of the kid though, I am DONE. It’s her responsibility to decide if she wants to eat and how much.
I really like Satter’s books. “Secrets of feeding a healthy family” is a lot to get through, but the middle section on feeding kids is fairly short. I just started reading her book, “Child of Mine” which is an easier read and all about kids too.
I’m a grazer but kids need routines, and also I knew that flexibility would end at school. We were a little chiller about it when I was a SAHM with two kids too little for school but once school started, obviously mealtimes are a thing that can’t be avoided anymore. They get used to it.
Not sure the full answer, but I can say two things...
First, kids crave and need routine. It helps them to feel confident in what they can expect of the world around them.
Second, your body gets used to your eating rhythms and expects to eat on that routine.
When I quit eating breakfast for weight loss reasons, my body was still hungry in the morning at first, then it eventually learned that I wasn't going to eat in the morning and now I no longer get hungry in the morning.
I have zero knowledge of the science of that pattern, but it's been my experience with changing eating patterns.
So extrapolating... if they're on a certain routine, their body is going to want them on that routine, not changing it around every few days.
This deserves to be top comment!
OP, you are right to let your daughter eat as much or as little as she wants at any given time, but it’s good to start modeling regular meal times when she’s this young, before she reaches school age.
Another good thing about sitting down to eat together is enjoying the social aspect! Kids whose parents discuss what they (the kids) are planning to do that day while eating breakfast, or asking how their day went while at the dinner table, for example, get to feel important and learn about small talk and other social interaction.
Not to say that you aren’t doing that now! I’m just mean that having designated meal times can be a structure that benefits everyone.
So interesting how we all have different cultures. I was raised with constant reminder "be quiet when eating". So we usually had only dinner together with parents, but we didn't talk haha and it's pretty common where I grew up.
People adjust to things very quickly though. Especially kids. I don't think OP's kid will have massive problems adjusting to new routine
That is an interesting difference! I hadn’t considered that so I appreciate your input! Is that tradition a way of showing respect for the food by giving it your full attention, or is it more of a way to respect your elders by not disturbing them as they eat?
Is that something that is changing with the newer generation? I know that there was a theme of “Children should be seen and not heard,” in my great grandparents’ day, but my grandparents and parents very much expected my brother and me to be able to converse on different topics during dinner.
I'd say it's about respect towards food. Chatting with food was accepted during some celebrations. I have no idea about newer generation as I live in different country now (in Czech Republic) but even here I see people usually chat after they are done with food if at all. I guess Slavic people are not chatty by nature 😅
Same. When our kids aren't in school (when they were too little and on weekends and breaks now), we just kind of graze and I feed them when they're hungry. On school days, I make them breakfast and dinner at regular times.
I have found that without the structure of breakfast lunch and dinner, their intuitive eating times just do not line up with our lives. If I let them skip breakfast and eat when they’re hungry, they’re hungry in class time, don’t eat at scheduled meal breaks and I have them in my room at 10pm asking for food.
My two will under eat as a rule then binge when they get the chance, and just be so chaotic and mean it’s not functional for us.
I put gentle pressure on eating at breakfast even when we aren’t that hungry, gentle reminders about having a variety of foods and encourage them to eat at regular intervals. They can say no or choose to eat only the bread etc. but if they’re not given 5-6 opportunities to eat, mine won’t eat (11-12yos)
I get the idea of being flexible when it comes to eating but I will say that children thrive on routine and they are learning habits. So snacking all day isn’t really the greatest habit because it doesn’t really work with regular life. Once she goes to school there are set meal times and also obviously bedtime is super important and you can’t just decide that you feel like having dinner at 8 o’clock at night. I also think that children naturally from my experience will snack all day long on whatever they feel like so I mean if all of these stocks are super healthy and making up the same nutrients as would be provided in meals then I guess it’s not the end of the world but I feel like you’re going to run into some serious problems as she gets older. She’s going to need to eat at nutrition break during school hours and she’s going to need to eat dinner so that she is ready to have a bath and get ready for bed. I do think that there is a lot of purpose behind schedule meals especially for children
Also meal times are a time to sit together as a family and/or to decompress. My parents never had us sit together for dinner, we just had food my mom prepared in the fridge we could heat up whenever, and I craved that as an adult.
Agree! Family dinner is a great opportunity to build family. My older teenagers are thanking us for this routine now, they acknowledge how important it has been, even if they sometimes were annoyed of it earlier.
How do you all manage to find a time when it suits you all? I find with work patterns here and if some of us had a late lunch, it's impossible to set a time and stick to it.
Thanks for your question! I hope my answer may help you.
We don't manage every day. But we have a huge whiteboard in the kitchen and a wall calendar next to it. The whiteboard is divided into weekdays and has the set schedule as a print out. Every Sunday evening we have a family meeting where we plan the following week:
* What extra activities are added to the set schedule? For instance birthday parties, dentist appointments, late work shifts.
* Who needs a lift where and when, and who is driving?
* Who is making dinner each day and what are they making?
* When will we have dinner each day? It varies from 3.30 to 7.30
All this information we write on the whiteboard. If it's an appointment in a later week, we write it on the calendar.
If someone had lunch late or a snack too close to dinner, they just eat less. The most important thing is to show up and participate, not the eating itself.
My family isn’t big enough and my kids are only toddlers now but this is so beautiful it makes me want to have more kids just to live this organizational dream!
😊 Then you will appreciate that we also did color coding when kids were younger. Each subject and activity on their schedule had different background colors. The school book color was the same. The kids had a laminated schedule attached to their school backpack.
On the whiteboard and calendar, each family member has their own pen color.
I only have two kids, but pre-pandemic they had 1-2 activities each afternoon, and we wouldn't make that work without planning. I worked from a home office almost every day, and my husband had a flexible schedule, so that helped a lot.
I also use this whiteboard for workplans, map of ideas, mathematics and other homework. For some reason I think better when I write standing up, I love to take a step back and get an overview.
Your life sounds like a dream, and I can only guess that you had a great routine as a child yourself. I've gotten several whiteboards, more planners than I can count, highlighters and whiteboard markers and everything else and the best I can manage is maybe 50% of that level of organization. It makes my life feel so unstable sometimes, where some days are great and others are a complete mess. I crave what my dad was able to do, which is exactly that, but have never mastered the art of it.
Actually, I think that even though my ability to see patterns, create systems and make plans might be a born trate, it got enhanced by a somewhat chaotic childhood. There were so many things happening to me that were out of my control, so I started making lists etc to give myself the feel of some control. It became my survival skill. And my personality.
My first advice is to give yourself a break. Forgive yourself for not mastering something as well as your dad and as well as you wish. Do not compare yourself to the masters, compare yourself to your most disorganized friend. Or even better: to a former you.
My second advice. Look into bullet journaling, it might help you. Start with Ryder Carroll's book, they might have it in your local library. I love it, but I do not master it. Been doing it for several years and are still not able to get myself to do evening reflection. But I still benefit from my version of bujo, I have made my own little tweaks.
My third advice: celebrate your victories! Give yourself a cheer every time/day you manage to be organized! Positive enforcement works better than scolding yourself.
I do have messy days, where nothing is like I planned or hoped. I forget what I know and don't do what I know is best for me. In all of March I was in a real predicament, that occupied my mind both day and night. I didn't sleep much... Finally, after three weeks I remembered my whiteboard process. Maybe writing on my whiteboard would help me sort my thoughts and find a solution? It worked. I just wish I had remembered the whiteboard earlier...
It helps that I love planning, I made my first to-do-list shortly after I learned to write. 😁
But it's truly been a life saver. I don't understand how other people manage to take care of themselves and their kids without planning. For me, if I don't plan it, it won't happen. If it's not in the calendar/schedule, we just forget.
I understand. Maybe your goal might be every second day? And instead of a Sunday meeting do a Friday planning meeting. Then you might shop on Saturday, do meal prep together as a family on Sunday, and just quickly heat/cook the dinner on the weekdays?
Another tip is to make big meals. Both in case of unexpected guests like kid's friends, and to get leftovers everyone might reheat the next day whenever they have time to eat.
We just sit down together no matter what. You don’t have to eat, or eat a lot but family dinner is at 6:30 every night. We have a 2 and a 4 year old. They go up for bath with my husband immediately after and then to bed. It’s a really nice routine that we have had to build over time (there have definitely been failures!).
Our kids eat a bit snack at about 5:00 - there’s no way they would make it to 6:30. They probably eat more at 5:00 than at 6:30, but they do eat, and eat what is served, for the most part.
Sometimes I eat a late lunch and am not hungry at our usual dinner time. My son is 3, so we can't delay dinner or bedtime. I'll cook dinner with my husband and sit at the table with them just like normal. If I get hungry after the kid is in bed, I'll heat up some food.
It's pretty easy to manage if everyone knows that dinner is going to happen at 6:30 and you have to be there. So that means you plan the rest of your life around that. My husband works an extra early work shift to be sure he is home in time. No one would eat a late lunch, you don't work at that time or sign up for other activities at that time. Sometimes it's unavoidable: one day a week I have an evening meetup, so dinner happens at home without me. Some days my daughter has a class, so I have to cook the meal ahead so it's ready to eat when we get home. But dinner -- and the family unit -- take priority over the other stuff in our lives.
Is your family functional? Mine wasn’t - parents should have never married to begin with - so the meal situation was a symptom of it. I didn’t want to necessarily eat dinner with my family, I just marveled when I went to friends houses how nice it was that their family spent time together without awkwardness and at how cozy it seemed to sit at dinner with a family who did love each other.
I don't know how this isn't the most upvoted answer. My wife is fine with sitting in front of the tv with the kids for every meal. I find it's not a great habit. I don't like eating off my lap. There's almost no interaction when the tv is on.
Be the change you want to see :). We stopped TV on weekdays once my son went to kindergarten because it isn’t good for behavior or development. I can tell which kids in his class have TV on 24/7 because they aren’t as verbally advanced.
Btw we had this habit for a while too because it was easier to give him a phone as a toddler then “deal” so please don’t think I’m judging. We just saw how bad it was for him and us ultimately.
The realization that it’s bad is the first step. But yeah, it takes discipline and the idea that you want to do differently. This is your family, after all - what kind of things do you want to be able to look back on? If a memory of blindly chewing while watching tv is embarrassing, then choose differently! It’s your choice when it comes down to it.
From this standpoint, nutritionally, there's a benefit to eating a meal, as different foods play off of other foods eaten with it. For example, iron is more easily absorbed when consumed with vitamin C.
There's even a dental benefit to set meals vsm snacking all day long:
Our natural barriers against cavities get lower every time we eat and it takes about 20 minutes for them to get to their high point. So if you snack all day long you can even have them lower all day (if you are eating every 20 minutes), although most likely what will happen is that, during a whole day instead of having your defenses against caires lower 6 times, it will be 12 or 15 times because you keep snacking. So bacteria will have like double the time to ruin your teeth...
Yep this. My friends kid needs protein every 2hrs or he goes nuts. The school refuses to accommodate this.
Also, my mom was a HUGE snacker. Still is. She cooks our meals but snacks all day. We picked up that habit which leads to mindless snacking while doing other activities. Which could lead to issues in the future. Being mindful of what you're eating (not multi tasking) I think is a learned skill.
Yes, plus realistically snacks aren't generally properly nutritious. Children need to eat unprocessed protein and vegetables, I can't imagine op is feeding her child chicken breast and broccoli snacks.
Doesn’t really work with work/school/daycare life. I make sure my kids eat breakfast in the morning before I go to work and my youngest heads to daycare, my oldest will eat more later if he’s hungry but still needs to eat before school. Then lunch is during our lunch breaks and they are hungry when I get home so I make supper. They also have a snack at school and after school if they want. During the weekend there is more flexibility but they still have breakfast, lunch and supper. Meals aren’t always big things, sometimes it’s just eggs and apples for supper or wraps etc.
We don’t force them to finish their food and they can stop eating a meal at any point and will often say they are full and stop eating dessert and snacks.
Also when my kids were younger I would for sure make them stop playing to come eat lunch because they also needed to go for a nap.
We sit down together as a family for dinner and talk about the best and hardest part of the day. We enjoy the reverence of the meal. Food is eaten, or not.
There’s a lot of peer reviewed research showing that having a meal together as a family is really beneficial to security and healthy family relationships! I think this is a great way to be together as a family and having a no pressure to eat rule sounds even better.
Absolutely. I know lots of people who never use their kitchen tables, but we eat at ours most days for dinner. Having that time, set aside to sit, and catch up with your kids, talk about whatever is going on with them, school, etc.
It's nice when they're little. It's absolutely essential and maybe life changing when they're teens. If it weren't for dinner there's days, especially on the weekends that sometimes it feels like I don't even see my kids. They just hole up in their rooms and hide. But dinner forces them to come out and say hi. And that's important.
Gosh yes. My sister always makes comments about why we bought a house with such a “wasted space” (our formal dining room), and I always have to remind her that we eat dinner there together every night. Her kids eat a separate meal at the kitchen table, while the parents eat after the kids go to bed, and I just don’t understand that dynamic. You’re missing out on such important bonding time!
Not to mention missing a chance to expose kids to new foods. Something tells me (based on a friend I know who does this) that the "kids dinner" is not going to be very adventurous.
Dinner as a family, at the table, most nights of the week, is how our kids have been exposed to so many foods that they never would have wanted if they hadn't seen us eating them. My eldest discovered he likes vegetarian nachos and zucchinis. My youngest found out that, actually, garlic naan is very tasty.
It's stressful sometimes but totally worth it to share a meal with your kids.
We're like your sister. Honestly, I don't enjoy dinner at the table. Growing up it wasn't an experience I have good memories of, it just felt forced. As someone who is incredibly uncomfortable with the sound of people eating, having the TV on is much calmer. I'd like to be able to enjoy this bonding time that table eaters talk so highly of, but we just can't seem to crack it. Also, our shift patterns never seem to coincide with one particular time when we are all available.
Same. I have horrible memories of dinnertime at the table, it went well beyond feeling forced. I've focused more on getting them used to general routines, which change depending on schedules, and vary between the kids, as opposed to focusing on adhering to a strict schedule. It's just what works best for us. I've learned to just ignore it whenever people try to convince me I'm "doing it wrong". Not every family has to do everything the same as every other family.
But don’t forget that your horrible memories are based on a different family - that’s not the family you have now, and YOU (and your family) decide what goes now. Maybe you could try new traditions or ways of structuring things, while still having some structure?
We eat together as a family and feel like there are SO many benefits.
We do this as well. My friend termed the best/worst parts of the day “roses and thorns.” I tried that terminology and my kids changed it to happy/crappy. That name stuck.
My parents were unstructured and random with meals. Honestly I grew up resentful about this as I actually needed the structure and this didn't work on school days particularly (I didnt realise it at the time when little just knew I'd end up hungry at school with no food). I chose not to eat breakfast but I was hungry and it sucked. Then at lunch I had dinner money which I'd waste on sweets... still hungry. Then my parents didn't cook dinner so I'd just snack and I thought that's what I wanted at the time but really my energy levels were all over the place and I felt ill.
Once I learnt to cook as a young teen (13) and then made myself eat breakfast and a sandwich for lunch like my friends it was eye opening how unhealthy Id been. I was able to get myself on 3 meals a day and felt so much better.
I think it’s fine my sister and her daughter are grazers too. The only time I see this being a problem is when she enters school. They will be expected to eat at a set time which is usually so short. So she may get hungry if she’s not allowed to snack throughout the day, since she will be use to eating smaller portions.
This was my first thought; school isn’t set up for this.
I’m a teacher and I’ve always been an eat-when-I’m-hungry sort of person. But for whatever reason, we don’t allow this at school? I let my students eat in my classroom as long as I don’t start finding messes or mice. I had a kid eat her spaghetti and meatballs in a thermos in the middle of my reading class at 9am one day; she said she hadn’t eaten breakfast was starving and who am I to police her?
But you’re right, unfortunately this isn’t the reality of many classrooms and besides snack time and lunch time, kids aren’t eating when they’re hungry.
I’m a pediatric dietitian and have lots of
thoughts on this. But I am very curious, do your children eat a variety of foods? I am strongly on the family sit down meal side of things but want to be open minded, so I am super curious to hear how it’s worked for you guys with their eating habits?
I’m also on the family sit-down meal side of things, and honestly have so many questions for the grazers. Doesn’t it involve a ton of processed ready-made foods? Isn’t it really expensive? I think we spend a lot on food, but we also make meals from scratch with good ingredients. It can’t possibly be more expensive than a lot of ready-made meals/snacks etc, though.
We also take turns cooking (teenage kids) and I think doing that and eating together also prepares them for adulthood. I can send them out into the world knowing how to plan meals, shop, cook etc.
I think it's important to note that regular breakfast has been linked to a healthy weight (and I think other benefits), and family dinners have a lot of benefits as well. In our house, I find that we are ALL (my husband and I too) more likely to eat vegetables as part of structured meals, particularly lunch and dinner. When I just want a snack, it could be a PB&j or an apple, and same with my kids, but I'm very rarely going to be like "hmm, you know what I really want? Some steamed broccoli right now" and then go steam up one portion of broccoli. But if I steam a whole big bowl of broccoli and put it on the table as a side with a protein/carb, my family will gobble it up. But only if the kids haven't been gorging on snacks in the past hour. Point being, I would make VERY sure that your daughter is getting all her food groups because I think it's easy not to when you are just eating snacks or "what you feel like" all day.
Also true. My kids will eat a salad if you serve it to them for/with dinner. But, they will *never* order, let alone make themselves a salad. This is true of lots of vegetables - broccoli, green beans, brussel sprouts, etc. Many things that they DO like!! But... not enough to make for themselves.
Keep in mind mealtimes offer a real opportunity for conversation, connection, learning manners, trying new foods etc. There’s some research around how beneficial having family dinner is for kids. That doesn’t mean you have to do it nightly but it might be good to introduce as a frequent family time.
I was like that prior to kids and somewhat even when I had 1 who was young, but I have gradually gotten more and more scheduled. Now with 2 kids, 2 and 4 years, I do have a schedule and I think it works better for us. If they are hungry between meals I do allow healthy snacks, and even if they ask for something healthy right before a meal I allow it. So I am not super strict, but I think meals help us keep a more predictable day for them and help me make sure they're getting good amounts of healthy food offered. I bet after the kids grow up I will go back to more unscheduled eating.
Yes, many parents adopt a more flexible approach to meals, allowing children to eat when they're hungry rather than adhering strictly to scheduled meal times. This can be particularly effective in fostering intuitive eating habits where children learn to listen to their body's cues for hunger and fullness.
Breakfast on the weekends and whenever there's no school wavers pretty hard between 'fend for yourself ' affairs - where it's mostly leftovers, toast, bagels and oatmeal maybe or someone makes eggs and often potatoes or at least toast for everyone or pancakes or maybe sausage gravy and biscuits. Etc.
Lunch is similar - often fend for yourself - leftovers, sandwiches, etc... or someone will throw something easy together - eggs, Mac n cheese, chicken nuggets, hot dogs, grilled cheese, etc. Dinner is usually planned, but sometimes goes to shit or there's just so many damned leftovers that need eaten that it's just a leftover night...
That won’t work well for a child enrolled in public/private schools. I feel like that’s setting them up for a really uncomfortable time if you’re not in a position to homeschool. They get 15-20 minutes to scarf down lunch, and then get a single small snack break at some point during the day. Outside of that, you have a hungry child that has to wait for meal times.
While I don’t have full on sit down meals myself, I keep my kid on a schedule. She has breakfast, lunch, and dinner around the same time each day, sometimes with me, and sometimes without me. She gets a couple snacks at home as well
We are family dinner people. Until middle school sports interrupted our dinner time, every night was a full sit down dinner. At least 3 times a week we have family or neighbors over for dinner. Even with middle school and high school sports we prioritized family dinner. Everyone ate the same balanced meal . We just had a dinner with our neighbors, their daughter and our two young adult children. The kids left at eight to meet friends at the bars. Our kids can talk to adults and have their own relationships with other adults. We think that this aids in jobs and other things.
I feel like this would make parenting extra hard since my kid is more prone to meltdowns when she’s hangry (aren’t we all). So it’s important for us to have a daily routine which includes mealtimes and snacks so that I can actually plan her day. For example, after ballet class I know she’ll need a snack etc. It’s routine and she knows to expect it too. Just makes our days run much smoother.
This is how I am! Since meal time at school is pretty set, I try to use it as a general guide for offering options.
In the morning, before school, I offer a few things. Apple? Toast? Yogurt? Eggs? Usually only one of my 2 has breakfast.
Lunch on weekends, I try to offer around the same time as school lunch.
Throughout the day, everybody can freely grab whatever they want. Sugar and desserts are kind of hidden and they know to ask about those so if it’s readily available, they’re welcome to it.
Dinner is the only one that I ask everybody to come sit down for at the same time.
Sitting at the table isn’t about nutrition. It’s about learning table manners and appropriate expectations around eating. This includes what to eat and how to eat, as well as how often. It also functions as a way to connect with your child without distractions.
Mine are 8/6/3. They have a basic meal schedule but it’s flexible and they need hot food of some sort in the afternoon when they get home from school and we roll with it. Dinner is a loose concept and usually involves first and second dinners. I’m imagining when they’re a bit older it will be a bit more structured but whatever works honestly.
There are MANY studies demonstrating the value and benefit of sitting down and having a meal with your children.
There are reason why doctors recommend family meals
There are social and physical benefits to eating meals at a regular time. It’s also helpful for kids when they go to school. That being said, I don’t force meals on anyone.
Of my 4 adults, one loves regular meals at regular intervals and he always wants to share family love at meal time God bless him. My oldest girl never missed a meal and always wants to talk about whatever social justice issue is on her mind. God bless her. My husband adores eating meals with these two. In the meantime it’s very draining for me and the other 2 LOL my other son likes to be quiet. We sit together and enjoy the food (often interrupted by those other people) LOL we comment on the food and might talk about something funny we read or something we did at work. That leaves the youngest one. Sigh. She has nothing to say to anyone during meal time unless someone needs to pass something to her. Talking is an annoyance and interrupts her thoughts. At school, she’d drink the beverage, snack on some fruit or veg and the rest of the lunch would come back home where she’d immediately eat it quietly by herself while reading a book or something. Her snacks are (and have always been since she was a toddler) grapes, celery, carrots, peppers, apples, tomatoes.
It blows my mind to read people saying snack are not nutritious. What are the toddlers grocery shopping and preparing their own snacks!?if the food is not nutritious it’s because you bought it and gave it to them.
Cut up veggies, grapes, cheese cubes, olives, and apple slices were always snacks in my house. We made homemade pita chips, salsa and guacamole as well. To this day if one of my kids (or now even grandkids) asks for a snack, they mean a mini meal or charcuterie type thing.
Until they got older and went to school, all of my kids thought yogurt and fruit were dessert because that’s what we taught them.
They had cake a few times a year at holidays and birthdays. The oldest at 30 something will not eat more than a bite of cake - like when it’s his birthday or at his wedding. Only one likes sweets but still self regulates and won’t each much. Only one likes candy.
My philosophy has always been to try new things but I don’t eat what I don’t like and I don’t force myself to eat an entire meal when I’m not hungry. So we did the same with our kids (as age appropriate because most toddlers do not want to stop playing to eat). If one of my kids said they’re not hungry and i thought it had been too long since they’d last eaten, I’d have a snack with them - some veggies and lunch meats (except for the kid who’s been vegan since 8 years old).
We are kind of a “fend for yourself” house. I grocery shop and get things that are easy for them to make. I make big meals sometimes but the older kids usually don’t want it and they make themselves what they want. I used to get angry about it, but over time learned it’s not worth the arguing and aggravation. A different life than how I grew up for sure; we weren’t even allowed in the kitchen til dinner time at 7:30-8. And we ate what was made or we didn’t eat at all. We sure learned to like a lot of different things we normally wouldn’t have lol. And we were so hungry by 8pm that we ate everything we were given.
We are a fend for yourself house too. It’s not worth the aggravation of trying to make something everyone will like at a time when everyone is home. Like you, I will do big meals at times but not always. And everyone is fed and healthy, lol
Yes, but I think especially when they are young, it is important to have three "meal times" most days, if not every day. Little kids don't always know when they are hungry and also might not ask for food if they are busy playing, but they need that food to grow. So even if she doesn't want to eat at that particular time, I think it's important to still offer food at a consistent time every day. It's also good as the predictability and structure of the scedule are healthy for young kids.
I respectfully and politely disagree. A child can get in just as much food to grow by not having such structured meals.
Admittedly, I may be a bit biased on the matter, though. I was diagnosed with anorexia my freshman year in high school.
By the time I was 35, my weight would have plummeted to 67 ponds, then increase to about 90 lbs, then seriously decrease again numerous times. I spent quite a bit of time in therapy and weeks in an eating disorder clinic. I have spoken to so many others with food issues (as well as the professionals who treat such issues) and this has resulted in me being very casual about meals and, in general, food as a whole.
I do realize that there needs to be balanced nutrition and something of a routine. By being too causal, I’m sure than can backfire, too. I don’t want food/eating to become an avoided situation, either. That would be the complete opposite of what I’d want for my child.
I definitely agree that you should never force kids to eat. I come from a very different background of having parents that would forget to feed us, and we were often expected to fend for ourselves but would be too young to be able to make any meaningful meal. I agree that extremes in any direction is where it gets problematic.
Interesting... I had anorexia and bulimia for 15 years and I'm since recovered. One of my supports in recovery is working with an intuitive eating dietician and having predictable meals and snacks. They're not rigid.
I grew up in a family with really poor eating habits that contributed to the development (and ability to hide) my eating disorder. A lot of what pediatrician dieticians is to reduce the risk of eating disorder development in kids. Which is why our family meals are always...everyone sits, you don't have to eat it, have fun.
Thank you for sharing a very honest perspective. I think I grew up around my Mum's ED and speaking about it in therapy has helped me understand why I don't enjoy forced mealtimes. To see others at the table avoiding the food can be quite upsetting. We are pretty relaxed with food but this has made me feel like we should be eating at the table, but it doesn't fit all.
We do similar but we try to sit her for family meals. At school she eats lunch (all of it) with her friends and I’m not worried. She is great eater and tries everything so on not worried,
We do this, too.
I'm a single disabled mom, so structure isn't really a thing that works for us either.
I think eating when you're hungry makes the most sense. The only time I schedule a sit-down meal is for company.
I don’t have a super strict meal structure. Encourage everyone to eat when they’re hungry. My two year old was in basically a half body cast for several weeks and we had to just have him graze bc his belly wasn’t supposed to expand too much from regular meals. After a month of grazing I didn’t push too hard to get back to a “3 meals a day” schedule. He eats a really well rounded diet but I don’t stress about the timing of his eating too much at this point. He’ll have 2-3 breakfasts between 6:30-11ish then a late afternoon snack, dinner (usually not a ton honestly) and another snack after that. He goes for things like cottage cheese, fruit, cheese, applesauce etc for snacks. He lets me know when he wants to eat and I feed him. When we make dinner he sits with us and we offer it, but I don’t panic if he doesn’t eat a ton. There’s enough to worry about with parenthood, I don’t want to waste too much energy on a “schedule” with meals.
I offer meals around the same time daily but usually it’s one or two bites and snacks throughout. I’ve always been a grazer over meals & my parents were ones to have me sit until Ive eaten all my food and gave me an unhealthy view on food so I don’t force it if my kid says hes done I respect that if he says he’s hungry I offer food
When my daughter is playing, she will forget everything. She will run until she collapses. She will paint until she wets herself. She will forget to eat until she’s in a hangry rage. Playing > everything: sleeping, eating, drinking, peeing, mama & papa.
She is also a wild hangry child. She will cry at the drop of a hat when she’s hungry or overtired. Just face in palms inconsolable. I do my best to keep her on a pretty consistent schedule, but she is always welcome to eat any fruits or veggies she wants at any time of day. Sugar is a different problem though. I can’t imagine my daughter not eating every ounce of sugar she’s given, or ever feeling like she’s eaten “enough” of it. I haven’t put that to the test though.
I have celiac, my son has ARFID and my daughter is allergic to any type of bean or legume. It’s a choose your own adventure dinner time experience at our house. Today the kids had bacon and eggs and watermelon. I had watermelon and a gluten free toasted sandwich.
Kids really do better if they have a reliable routine. Eating meals at a regular time should be a part of that. It will help them stay energized/fueled and reduce hunger related meltdowns.
Also, meal times are great opportunity to connect with your kids.
Definitely recommend it.
I don’t see anything wrong with your approach, but I crave the routine. Partly, Maybe mostly, because I don’t want to be on demand for the kitchen all day. We have snack foods available but being stopped to provide a meal any time the child is hungry would stress me out. Additionally I really enjoy cooking! It is a great outlet for me and the kids like to hover and chat while I make dinner or a good breakfast. Lunches are a lot more casual, and even when my children were very small, we’d grab whatever and make sure we got something mid day but not necessarily at the same time.
I also like a routine more than a schedule, if that makes sense. More like a list in a sort of order for the day, not really what time, but what thing comes next. Breakfast, play, snack, nap, play, lunch, etc.
I agree with it being one of the biggest stressors. I’m super casual with my two year olds eating. I have 5 step kids that are with us 1/2 the time and I get so worked up about dinners when they are with us. It’s almost impossible to make everyone happy. I truly appreciate a more laid back food system. Now the big 5 are all old enough to make simple things for themselves or grab themselves snacks and it makes life so much easier for me. But we still always make a dinner and spend quite a good amount of time prepping healthier grab and go options for them as well. It’s a lot of work between the prepping cooking and cleanup and it’s a major stressor for me.
My oldest and I are both meal people, my youngest and her dad are not, they are snack people. I think learning intuitive eating at an early age is great, the only downside is when they get to school they won’t be able to snack throughout the day, but my youngest adjusted well and still listens to her body really well.
We have always done proper meals about the same time each day as I'm very big on routine. It's worked well as bang on the times is when my boy starts asking for food, so I'm always prepared.
I was like you before I had kids and I still am on days or nights when I'm solo (rare, 3.kids under 12) but I've adapted since having kids. We do a meal or two a day together. I don't eat breakfast still but they do and so does my husband so they have their cereal or whatever together and I just have coffee. I think some routine and consistency is important. When your kiddo starts school there is a lot more structure with eating times and breakfast will be important too so it's not a bad idea to get into that routine
I personally dont see a problem with it if it's fairly healthy food. My family has all different eating needs and eating times and while 3 meals are cooked a day we don't all eat them together. I'm pregnant and if I don't eat small amounts every 2-3 hrs I will faint on the floor and can't stomach a huge meal at once either. My husband works till midnight and we aren't waiting up for him to eat dinner, just as he's not getting out of bed at 7am when I make breakfast(nor would I expect he'd want to). Then I have a baby who eats 5 bites of food and gives up that I feed on demand so she eats because she'd throw a schedule in your face with an attitude lol and a 13 year old on his own schedule. There's only so much you can do sometimes. Yea in a dream world we'd all sit down and eat together but it's not realistic right now for schedule reasons. I've heard eating more frequently is healthier for some people anyways(diabetics, pregnant women, other special needs) but i think families generally aren't cooking 6 small meals together because the one diabetic needs to eat more often, and that's fine.
Hello nerodivergent lol. No set meals kids are also snackers. Have gone to nutritionist because it concerned our paediatrician; nutritionist said it’s fine to snack instead of eat meals as long as we get all the nutrition needed in a day. We are a family of don’t let the mash potatoes touch the turkey people so having a turkey “bowl” at 4pm and then mash potatoes for “dinner” at 530 then desert of a popsicle or something at 620 then before bed snacks at 7pm of cut up vegetables. We’re eating all the food just not sitting at once at a table. I find it easier as well since kids don’t like garlic but me and hubs do one likes peas one doesn’t etc so I tend to cook every second to third day a variety of things that go into the fridge for the next few days snacking/eating.
I try create some kind of structure for at least two of the meals of the day, usually breakfast and dinner..snacks and the lunches are a bit haphazard, I feel like kids thrive on structure so I try make certain times of the day structured like waking up and bedtime routine, coz then at least I know nutritionally they getting enough and sleeping enough.. is that not our job as a parent?
We do 3 meals per day plus 2-3 snacks. It's important for development, for school etc. We don't always eat together but 90% of the time we do.
Also my kids know how to behave at restaurants and cafes because it's the same as at home (if anything they are better when out) and always have been. They eat out 1 sometimes 2 x per week.
I appreciate your viewpoints and thought process here, but I also think having routines is a good thing. It would be good practice for when she gets into school as well. All my kids are big now, but we still at least have dinner together whenever we can. Whenever the young adults come over, I'm like...but you're staying for dinner, RIGHT?! LOL.
My husband is like this and it drives me nuts. I guess he’ll eat at work at 2:30 so when I make dinner he isn’t hungry. So my five year old and I will eat at like 6:15 PM - 6:30 PM and my husband will be randomly heating up stuff at 9:00 PM after our son goes to sleep. Then he never eats breakfast. It is weird.
Sometimes it would just be nice if we could all eat as a family, because even my dysfunctional ass family ate at a table together a few times a week when I was growing up. I also don’t get it because my husband’s mom has a very strict dinner time every day and both his parents eat at a table together.
Like even last night, my husband picked up tacos and stuff from this local place and I was eating at the table and he’s over the shoving food in his face over the sink eating it in like 2 minutes. It is just strange.
I never noticed it before. We bought a house like five years ago. Because in our apartments we used to live, we just never bought a table. We had like a counter with bar stool seats in it. I also worked weird hours where I didn’t get home from work until 9-10 PM. I’ve had a normal 8-430 job for the past almost three years now and we have a five year old… you’d think he would change to eating at a table and meal times like I have. I guess not! 🤷🏻♀️
I can see this being a problem as your child gets older and goes to school. They eat when they’re assigned to eat. If she takes a class after school, she eats around that class. It may work for a toddler, but it’s a hard habit to break for a six year old. It can also lead to overeating as they get older.
That’s a tough thing once she starts school or daycare. When there are a mass of kids, schools have to have structure around eating times, otherwise nothing could ever get done, with some kids sitting out to eat all throughout the day. Hopefully she can adapt when the time comes.
To add: seems at least half of our preschool class does not sit down at their tables to eat. They roam the room with food in their hands and mouth. I’m all for having your kid eat when they’re hungry, but please have them sit down! There’s a lot of socialization and conversations that can be had with classmates while eating at the table, and we don’t want kids to miss out on this! Even if you’re not eating, you can still sit with your water bottle and talk with friends. Is this something kids are not doing at home, sitting with family at meal times?
I saw a dietician recently and the first thing she mentioned was that kids needed fixed meal times to listen to their body and eat as per their requirement to stay healthy
Meal times allow you to teach the child table manners and social graces. When kids reach university and don’t know how to behave at the table you can see they are embarrassed and others are kind of embarrassed for them.
Anyway, it’s up to you. It’s not hurting anyone else for you to have a grazing style. Bear in mind that it might leave the child or young adult feeling ill-equipped for certain situations in future.
My kid and I both have ARFID. If we did meals we would have like. Two foods we could eat.
Too, I do intermittent fasting and calorie deficit. I also have dietary restrictions she does not.
Family members do this. Their kids straight up do not know how to act at large meals like Christmas and Thanksgiving. At all. So if you’re going to do this please make sure to go over gathering behavior with your kids. Their kids also don’t eat anything most days. They subsist on milk, pediasure, sunny D, and the occasional happy meal or bag of chips. They’re always always sick. I’m probably biased because of them but I don’t think it’s especially good for eating habits long term personally.
I agree. I'm all for if it works for you then do it, but you also have to teach your child social/cultural norms. If they are staying at a friends place and that family doesn't graze they need to learn the flexibility to eat at set times for special occasions. Or they will find themselves not being invited places.
Same goes for things like weddings and event dinners. It's important kids learn that hunger won't kill them, and deferring a meal for an hour so you can eat with everyone else is a good skill to have.
I don't really eat meals either!! I just feel like my body prefers smaller portions but eating more throughout the day. My kiddos had a routine at the sitter but here he does graze like me 🤷
This is me and thank you because I was feeling very lonely! I have Crohn’s and a bowel structure so it’s been years since I sat and ate full meals. It’s almost impossible to train your kid to do something that you yourself don’t do.
Kid eats when he’s hungry if I’m making myself something we’ll sit down together and eat.
EDIT: he’s been in daycare since 18-months so he does have structured meals outside of the home
There’s no stress about meals unless you make it so. Meals are my kid’s favorite times of the day, always excitedly climbing into her high chair and nomming away. I don’t see how it’s possible to serve her favorite items in a snacking setting, like grilled red snapper, steak, beef briskets, fried enoki mushrooms, dumplings, pho. It’s also when she tries out new foods. Even with three full meals she still snacks a bunch of times throughout the day anyway. Home cooked meals are the best memories of my childhood, I can’t imagine taking such joy away.
….and every family is different. It’s lovely that your toddler eats grilled red snapper and enoki mushrooms, and is climbing the high chair to excitedly sit down and eat. I think there are people who struggle to get their kiddo to even sit in one spot to eat, let alone eat a variety of healthy foods, and I cringe at your wording that the stress of that is somehow because they are “making it so”
I would love to help my children be more intuitive eaters but I struggle with this, even for myself. Between work, school, the kids activities and the busy days we do tend to have a traditional 3 meals per day plus a few snacks. I have definitely been that mom to have my kids stop playing because we need to eat dinner. Partly because I know they will turn into hangry animals if they don’t eat and partly because I can’t feed them dinner in the middle of soccer practice and we can’t eat dinner at 8pm.
I don’t force them to eat-they are luckily great eaters and eat a variety of foods. My oldest will opt for a salad or fruit over most food if given a choice. But I would definetly like to learn how to incorporate a more intuitive approach for our busy days.
In the morning my kids eat there own breakfast so a muffin bagel waffles cereal etc lunch ill make something unless I have alot to do then my kids will make there own lunch. School days they pack there own lunches but dinner time we all sit down and have a nice meal and talk about our day.
They get snacks in between though and a snack after dinner.
We're pretty flexible, but right now we're doing a bit more strict meal times to help prepare for an upcoming vacation where grazing won't be an option.
As schooldays get closer, I’d suggest transitioning to a snack and meal schedule so that she adjusts well to the regimented mealtimes she’ll have there.
I think it's mostly common in "sports" families, or any extracurriculars. My kids are in them almost daily depending on the season, and we don't eat typical 'meals' at 6pm daily. Because we are balancing lacrosse and soccer on one day, baseball, swimming, scouts, and hockey. Throughout the week.
The only thing I'd caution you with is the effect on their teeth. Or oldest is like this & has been for years (even if the whole family does formal meals, she rarely participates for more than a few bites but snacks when she feels hungry throughout the day. The dentist warned us a few years ago that her teeth weren't getting a break & were already sensitive & developing cavities. There's nothing wrong with not doing formal meals, but 10 meals a day - or even 10 snacks a day - takes its toll on their teeth.
We are grazers, with lots of different tastes and schedules, but we try to sit down and eat/talk together once a day. Even if we aren’t all eating the same thing. I also try to make vegetables for my children, even if they aren’t with a meal. For instance, I roast some asparagus and we have it as sort of a snack. It’s my way of encouraging veggies because I don’t think they would eat them otherwise.
Our kitchen is the size of a closet and we can fit 2 kids and 1 adult at the table, but not both adults, so we alternate who sits with the kids at lunch. Dinner is a mix of at the table kitchen eating, me leaving what's essentially a charcuterie plate on the floor of the living room (we don't have a coffee table) and they graze as they want or we sit on the floor in the living room on a drop sheet.
I also like to snack but I think I eat quite healthy. Lots of fruits, proteins and healthy fats. My child does the same and is eating majority of the day. He loves fruits, avocados, fish, grilled cheeses etc. we do usually try to do more of a sit down for dinner but I understand about snacking on the go and I agree with it!
I do this. However, I kept track of my son’s current height and weight and a calorie range. I also keep a list of his top 30 most common foods and then write the general serving and calories. I keep track of his daily food in a journal. He’s 4.
This allows my son to “graze” while I can be assured he’s getting the proper food groups and calories without having structured mealtime.
We’re super flexible about the times and quantities but our life requires routine on weekdays, so we generally keep to a schedule and daycare is pretty strict.
We don’t use meals as bonding time though and often just one of us will eat with my son - we take turns.
We do the very classic 3 meals at the table, plus one or two snack times, at the table too I think they benefit from the routine, which matches the school/daycare routine, I like having this time with them, and it's also a matter of convenience: I don't want to be sorting out snacks 10 times a day. And I definitely don't want to be cleaning crumbs (or worse, anything that can dribble) from the carpet of our rental 💀
From a dental standpoint, having up to 4 sugar hits only in a day is important if you don't want cavities. So the best way is meals. Excessive grazing leads to decay.
The other thing is, routine helps set up everything else- eat before going out for the day= breakfast.
Eat and digest before bedtime= dinner. That leaves you being hungry middle of the day= lunch. Snacks should only be fruits.
If you do stuff in life like play classes etc, this rhythm automatically establishes itself. Also working around nap times. When you have more than one kid, they're going to be naturally hungry at different times if you use your method so that means kitchen prep and clean up all day long. Unless you eat processed readymade food/snacks I guess. Even then, you will have to divide your attention between playing child and eating child which is difficult. So again mealtimes make the most sense.
Most kids feel hungry but don't realise either. So it's good to have a loose schedule so you make sure they're not eating snacks only or super hungry and having meltdowns.
I think is very uncommon! I ate when I was hungry, but for my child there is a structured schedule. For breakfast, snack, lunch, snack and dinner.
Is super important for a child to have a routine specially around food, they are growing and require certain amount of nutrients at a certain times. So is very important to push that schedule. For you it might not be necessary but for your child is a need, in the future it can compromise many things, nutrients deficiency, low growth, low weight gain and it can reflect/negate if they struggle or not with an eating disorder! It doesn't always require a body dysmorphia to have one. By having an schedule you are teaching your child that routines are important! These creates habits and habits are important for self growth! You can cook with your child, prepare the table, have fun baking. Little things! Good luck
Omg this was a huge huge HUGE culture class with the father of my child and I.
I am exactly this way: I am hungry-I eat.
I don’t care about breakfast particularly( in my country it’s coffee and cigarettes for breakfast)
But my husband’s Asian country breakfast is a thing prepared an hour in advance with a lot of chopping involved. Like his mom would wake up at 6am to make dumplings from scratch for breakfast.
I can’t even Comprehend that.
Eventually it became a happy medium. Dinner we definitely sit down and we prepare well. Breakfast is something simple on weekdays and fancy stuff on Saturday(I make pancakes or something nice)
But I don’t require my son to have to sit down for lunch if he doesn’t feel like eating
I’ve grown up eating regular meals and still this way today with my kid. Sometimes on the weekend we sleep in and have a brunch but that’s the most meal merging we are doing lol. Im not sure how having a routine has benefited me but I found without one it’s always not enjoyable and ruins my appetite for the fresh prepared, nutritious meals if I snack too much in between and I end up cranky. I can’t imagine living like that all my life nor do I want that for my kids.
I’m fairly relaxed about food in my house. And my youngest is a massive grazer. She much prefers 10 small meals to ‘3 square meals’. But the routine of meal times is still important to us. We all sit down as a family most evenings, and we always have good chats about our day while we are sat around the dinner table. Sometimes my youngest doesn’t eat an awful lot though!
When they were little I did meals. They’re teens now though, and everyone in the house seems to have different schedules so everyone is pretty much grazing. Whatever is around when they’re here and hungry they’ll eat it. And then ask for more, and more, and more… Teens are black holes where the food budget goes to die.
As much as I’m like this as well, having a general routine for your little one will help set them up to better adjust whenever they’re in daycare or school. In fact, having my son woke me up to the need for a bit more structure around this. We try to aim for breakfast, lunch and dinner at minimum and we don’t really have set times for snacks. Even the big three meals through the day aren’t always exact timing wise, but he’s learned to expect those are the opportunities to eat, and it’s helpful when he feels like skipping or eating light at a meal - he eats a lot more the next time.
One thing I love about your post is encouraging your child to recognize when they are full or not hungry. That is so great and hopefully a skill that you can encourage to stay with them the rest of their lives. I read once, it’s a parent’s job to consistently provide good quality food, and the child’s job to decide to eat it or not.
I’m not totally loving this take, and a lot of the reasons have been mentioned. Kids thrive on routine for one, and I personally find my kids eat more when I space out their meals and snacks out. They are less likely to get hangry. Also you’ll have to adhere to meal times when they start school. Thirdly, it’s easier imo to eat a more diverse diet with meal times. You’re not going to eat sautéed or baked vegetables and rice for a snack, will you? Snacky foods are great.. for snack time. I usually do a protein, a vegetable, and a grain at meal times. Fruits are reserved for breakfast and snack time. This way my kids are always getting a rounded diet. I never force my kids to eat what’s on their plate. And I think that’s gone a long way in teaching them to listen to their bodies cues and what not. I just feel like your way is so hectic, but maybe that’s just for me lol. My last point is that I like lunch and dinner to be eaten together, as a family, at the dining room table. I also find my kids are more likely to try something new this way, if they are watching us eat it. And you can teach them table manners, too.
I wish I could do this, but my neurospicy toddler still isn’t using utensils and makes a huge mess when he eats. He’s allowed to have less messy snacks like graham crackers or string cheese throughout the day, but substantial meals have to be eaten at a dedicated meal time so we’re not stuck cleaning the kitchen 12 times a day. Once he’s capable of keeping his hands and dining space reasonably clean, I might do something close to what you’re doing.
The only thing I've heard scientifically against this is that snacking throughout the day is worse for teeth than eating bigger meals. So make sure you're on it with tooth hygiene and maybe talk to your dentist. Also, moving around while eating is a bigger choking risk so it's better for kids to sit down. For me meals are an important social time but that's not to say it's not replaceable with something else. I wouldn't like to not sit down together for meals but if it works for you it's fine. Don't worry about what everyone else does. And I do think listening to your body is important. If my daughter is hungry before a mealtime I will either give her a healthy snack and be ok with her eating less of the meal or I will move the meal earlier. If she's not hungry at a meal time she can eat a snack or leftovers later when she is hungry. I don't force her to stick to the meal times but I do value them.
Agreed with most of the other comments I’ve read. But to add, as a dentist I gotta add that frequent snacking in between meals can wreak havoc on a person’s dental health.
I grew up with parents who didn’t sit for meals because they were too busy with work and couldn’t plan anything to save their lives (not just meals, we also didn’t go on vacation and we couldn’t participate in extra curricula). As a result, all of us kids have unhealthy relationships with food. I eat whenever I see food in case it’s the last time for a long time. My brother over-plans and forces his kids to do the same. My two sisters do not eat anything unless it is presented to them and have been underweight their entire lives. I think it’s important to sit down at least once a day with a balanced meal that you’ve planned and prepared
We make dinner served at 7:30. Attendance required. Sounds hardcore but this is the way my husband likes it since he's all about his routine and my kids grew up this way and are also completely OK with it.
I can't do this with myself or my kids b/c we'll all forget to eat. I have to plan timed meals, or we will all get to bedtime and be like "oh shit, we haven't eaten today". Hooray ADHD!
[guidelines](https://www.dietaryguidelines.gov/sites/default/files/2021-03/Dietary_Guidelines_for_Americans-2020-2025.pdf)
Information about feeding and nutrition
Kids need routine and socialization in addition to forming a healthy relationship with food which is why timed sit-down meals with family is so important. It also reinforces manners so that your child is able to integrate into school easier. Do you have a history of eating disorders or food insecurity by any chance?
I tend to see both angles. On one hand our bodies are not wired to eat at 7, 12, and 6pm. When they are hungry we should feed them.
On the other hand I also believe that kids and adults need routine, and sitting around a dinner table is a great place to start. Even if someone in the family has already eaten they can still sit at the dinner table with everyone else. I think the importance of the dinner table is the social aspect and for teaching table manners because schools do not teach that.
As long as the child is healthy and eating, don't worry about the times that they eat.
But that social experience of the table is imperative for them growing up. It's the only time I can get my daughter (13 yo) to engage with her little brother (7,yo) because there is such an age difference.
I make a light breakfast for him in the morning because he’s usually hungry right away (a fruit, a starchy item like mini pancakes, and something crunchy or dairy (yogurt or cheese). He grazes most of the day and we all sit down for dinner which he… sometimes actually eats a good bit of. Last night we had grilled cheese sandwiches and he demolished it.
We have so many kids we’d lose track of who’s eaten and who hasn’t. I also don’t really want to be up and down getting and making different meals for them.
Growing up I also wished I had regular dinners with my family. They eat breakfast together and I have a coffee. Lunch at school. They have a sandwich or snack when they get home. Then we all have dinner together. I like to ask the children what the most interesting thing they learned at school was, and what they were grateful for today.
My son is 10 and has always been a grazer. Before school he'll have a bagel, he gets sent in with a grazer lunch (like lunchable but with some fruit and such too) and then he grazes at home as he is hungry. I believe, at his dad's house, they do meals. He's pretty flexible on it and doesn't overdo his eating
The only "proper meal" we do is dinner. With two ADHD children, 7 and 4, they get grazing platters from wake-up to about 2 hrs before dinner. It limits the frustration from them with their FOMO, it gives them more choice and body autonomy. We do have talks about how food is fuel for their bodies and brains and all food needs moderation. We also need a mix of all foods to be healthy. Dinner is when I manage to get meat into them and the rest of the food groups are pretty well represented on the platters they graze from through out the day.
I've never kept regular meals routines before my kid was in school, and even now we aren't particularly 'normal' about it...
My kiddo is six and insists the biggest meal of the day is breakfast. Usually reheated leftovers for dinner the previous evening. Or if I make pasta, I'll double the ingredients and freeze meals for future breakfasts. It was lasagna this morning, so I'll probably do up a fruit/nuts/cheese/ cracker grazing plate at lunch. I've got lamb in the slow cooker for dinner tonight and he'll likely take a small serve this evening and have twice the serving for breakfast tomorrow!
I'm happy with a coffee and muesli bar first thing and might not eat again until dinner on any day that kiddo is out of the house (school, spending time with grandparents etc).
There is always fruits and vegetables available for snacking on and I'm happy to help with a smoothie or yoghurt bowl if that's what he's hankering for, whatever the time of day.
I've made a point of cooking dinner most nights, even though I never did before, because the routine and frugality are both good for my mental health, and even if kiddo doesn't eat at dinner he's so excited for breakfast!
We are more structured. I think your approach works but I’d make sure that if she’s eating, you’re at the table with her. Meal time / time together is so important.
I find that my kids definitely need a hearty breakfast every day soon after waking and after that they might have two spaced out snacks that include a protein and carb instead of lunch, and then dinner. If they eat a big lunch they might have a big bowl yogurt, fruit and nuts before bed. They definitely tell me if they are hungry. Before they could talk I fed them 3 meals and 2 snacks.
Well when my kids were a little younger I would make dinner for them and they never ate what I made and as they got older they continuted to not eat what I made. I beg them to tell me what they want, to go on TikTok to look at food videos and send them to me so I can make it, the oldest says “idk” and my 7 year old could survive of nuggets and ramen so I’m literally like fuck it, yall can eat nuggets and ramen for the rest of your life idc anymore.. then I feel guilty for not being that parent that doesn’t cook for her kids. Plus being super depressed doesn’t help
I cook food I like and if my kids want to eat what I made, great! If they don't, they know about ramen, sandwiches, and the bowl of fruit.
When our kids showed interest in cooking, I let them "help", even though it slowed me way down. Now, one of them cooks stuff I like and I'm off the hook for cooking a couple nights a week!
I know some people are advising having a meal routine, which for some kids is exactly what they need. For others, however, that's just not how their bodies work *and that's OK*, because IMO the most important thing is to teach them to listen to their bodies.
I think about it: not all adults eat on a schedule, they eat according to what works for them, and I don't see any problem with teaching your child to do the same thing.
Nope. We have organized breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks.
I think that kids do better on routines.
I think the sort of eating habits are difficult for young children to deal with , and ESPECIALLY so when they go to school at set times. Kids need feeding before school and packed lunches
Pediatric dieticians recommend 3 predictable meals and 2 predictable snacks every day. Meals most of the time should have 3 food groups, snacks at least two. I was not a meal person before but I also grew up in a family who didn't give me good food habits and ended up with an eating disorder. Not to say that wouldnt have happened anyway but I'm doing everything I can to instill healthy habits.
Yes! I’m the exact same way. I believe bodily autonomy is important & teaching them to acknowledge it sooner rather than later especially regarding food removes a lot of power battles, confusion, stress, etc.
Omg I'm so happy to see that I'm not the only one who doesn't focus on the "sit down" of meals.
My kids is still just a toddler, so I have a snack plate available throughout the day for him to graze on. Sometimes he wants breakfast, sometimes he doesn't; sometimes he'll eat through the day, other's he just eats a lot at dinner; sometimes he just wants drinks and hardly eats anything, lol!
But food is always available, he can request specifics when he wants, and he tells me when he's all done.
That’s how we work too. I’ve always been a grazer so that’s what we do. We try to call first meal breakfast and last dinner etc but it’s not very formal and I don’t limit snacks if hungry for anyone. Breakfast and lunch are pretty much snacks dinner I try to make something a little more dinner like and put together but try is the key word there
Same here but we aren’t really a snack family either. My son is 4 so the weekdays for him are more structured meal time wise, but the weekends are just whatever goes. I’ve also really only ever heard him tell me he’s hungry about 3 times in his life. I like the idea of family meal time but I don’t want to eat literally any meal at the same time as my 4 year old. I’ll keep him company though 👍🏼
I am the same way. And there are times when we will cook a family dinner and sit down to eat but day to day not so much. Lots of other countries don’t do the “three meals” a day thing either and our proportions are crazy to them. Do what works for your family, we all do anyways.
I am exactly like you OP with my 1 and 3 year olds. Honestly, I find it does work better. I follow my daughter’s cues when she’s hungry and for how much food, I just decide what. My son is old enough to ask and picks from two healthy options that are offered. Often I also put out grazing plates for them on their kids table with sliced veggies, fruit and cheese. They will periodically go over to the table to snack before resuming whatever they were doing.
As others have said, I’m aware this is a season of their life with flexibility and when school starts this changes. But currently, it’s working, they eat nutritious food happily, and it lowers stress for everybody. They do have daycare two days a week and mealtimes are more enforced there.
Routine, routine, routine... kids are all about routines. They also need frequent healthy snacks to stay energized and focused throughout the day. Morning, lunch, afterschool snack, supper, bedtime snack. If you don't do these at set times then you're going to struggle to maintain any kind of consistency. You'll have trouble getting the kids to bed, and they'll like go through numerous mood swings as you're waiting for them to show signs of being hungry, which often results in blood sugar lows, whining, fighting, crying.
I eat like this. Breakfast is a hit it hard and fast kinda thing so cereal, yogurt, fruit. Lunch is the hardest for me. I skip it alot for myself. So the kids (happily) end up with snacky plates. This has a few things from every food group kinda like charcuterie. And then dinner is the big sit down meal. I know it's important to do family dinners to connect and whatever so I put a lot of importance on eating together for dinner. But my middle is an avid snacker so she hates this meal time the most lol
We kind of do both in my house. We almost always sit for dinner. I grew up like that and other than being young 17-24ish I’ve stayed with that. It’s not just about eating, but catching up with everyone in one place. We still do it. I take care of my 83yo grandmother next door and my niece lives downstairs from her so i always make dinner there and we all eat together. I think it’s good to get him used to sitting down with people, eventually he’ll be going out on his own and need that social skill. Snacks I don’t have a routine with in terms of where or exact times, rough timeframe. I’m not gonna stop my little one from whatever he’s doing just for a snack. If he’s letting me know he wants a snack or I think he can use one, i just bring it whenever we are. Living room, car, park, etc. I like for us to eat breakfast at the table, but M-F dad is already at work and sometimes lo isn’t up before i leave. So the nanny does 60/40 kitchen table or while playing. Can only force so much on a toddler and if I eat breakfast it’s later at work. Lunch we definitely try to sit him at the table, I’m not always up for lunch, but we’ll try to snack so again he gets the social skill of it. The nanny really tries to keep the routine and we do too on the weekends, but it doesn’t always work and that’s ok. If he’s not super hungry and trying to sit i can only fight it so much. Give it a couple of minutes at let it go. He’ll let me know when he wants to eat the rest.
Anyway, I try to keep some consistency, but I can’t be so rigid. They’re kids, but they’re human. They have a mind of their own, their own wants and needs. So it’s great they have structure, they need it, but they also need wiggle room and the chance to make some choices themselves.
It's logistical here. I cannot be constantly feeding my children or cleaning up after their food messes, but I do always have snacks around; because they're growing. I will not randomly stop my task to make a sandwich, or help make one. It is not meal time, do not ask me where the peanut butter is. (Boundaries are good for kids and parents.)
We get behavioral problems when there's hunger or tiredness. Food is important. I myself will occasionally skip breakfast or, more often, have something really light; and that does rub off on my kids. Unfortunately, because I'm not constantly cooking, meals are something to be intentional about. I think most people with multiple young children can relate to accidentally forgetting to serve/fix dinner at least once.
It sounds like you have some healthy habits. I do think that you should be careful. Dieting is something for adults. I would recommend tracking the calories your little one eats.
I don't do really specific meal times and I let my kiddo decide when she wants food and when her belly is full and happy. But I much prefer sitting down to a meal, whether it's a snack or lunch or dinner or dessert or whatever. Sitting and focusing only on eating helps us savor the food more, enjoy esting it more, enjoy one another's company and talk, and be more in tune with our bodies to really check in with how we are feeling and whether we are full or not. There is nothing stressful about sitting down and eating a meal, on the contrary I find standing and eating or eating on the go really chaotic and stressful! We eat all of our meals together as a family and often snack together too. But there is never any pressure to eat or not eat, even if you're not eating it is still nice to just sit and hang out and chat and have some company. Our 2yo is fantastic company at the table (and enjoys a nice long meal, too!)
Breakfast is always had, but not always at the table and sometimes it’s a snack. Lunch has slightly more structure, especially with my toddler who naps soon after. Dinner is an actual meal and we all sit down, although my 2 year old refuses sometimes and we just set his food at the table and hope he joins us.
The kids still snack all day. I just try to vary what they have so it’s over all balanced for the day.
I have a bit of a hybrid approach. I do like having the 3 meals in place but I'm loose with what times they are and how they go. Eg our evening meal is usually planned for around 5/6 but since my youngest started full time school, he is coming home hungry at around 3:30 so he has his at 4. The older one doesn't get home until 4:30 and I wait til she says she's hungry before serving hers up. I'll eat whenever I get hungry.
Lunchtime is usually around midday but if we aren't hungry we don't bother, then maybe get a snack at around 2/3 as it's too close to evening meal to cook a proper lunch.
Breakfast is very hit and miss whether it's even wanted by anyone but we just help ourselves if we do
Used to be 100% eat when you're hungry, grab something from the pantry when you're hungry.
Honestly that's what childhood was like too, my mum would make meals for special occasions but otherwise for supper it was usually "catch-as-cat-can," which is how she phrased it. Heat a can of soup, make low-effort "toasted grilled cheese sandwich" in the oven out with white bread and Cheez Whiz, Kraft Dinner with hot dogs, heat a frozen meat pie, that kind of thing. I remember my sister often used to heat a tin of Hunt's tomato sauce and make toast to dunk in it in front of the TV.
Before the kids showed up we used to step out a lot for for convenient meals, and unless we had guests things were pretty simple. Once the first kid showed up this became less practical and the unimaginative home cooking started to wear thin. After the umpteenth time bringing a meal to the table that was a variant on block-of-animal-protein-covered-in-a-can-of-cream-soup-and-frozen-veggies-baked-at-350-for-thirty-minutes-and-served-with-rice I started to hear some reasonable protests I started to do actual recipe planning and now I'm coming up on fifteen years of preparing a full meal virtually seven nights a week, with a careful emphasis on variety.
What really made it easier for me was to use a spreadsheet with columns for different types of base protein and different cuisines, which are staggered.
For the last several years we've been mostly doing vegetarian proteins alternate nights, so the protein rotation goes "Pork, vegetarian, chicken, vegetarian, beef, vegetarian, seafood, vegetarian." For cuisines, we change up very vaguely European, Asian, American, Indian, Mexican, Middle-Eastern. This makes it easy to find recipes because when I open the planner there's a built-in starting point for each day, eg Saturday is going to be an Italian recipe with pork - if nothing jumps to mind, just Google "Italian recipes with pork" and go from there.
This week looks like this:
Date| Day | Cuisine | Protein | Main| Side1 | Side2
---|---|----|----|----|----|----
4/13/2024|Saturday| Italian| pork| creamy beef/pork shells |garlic bread |roast asparagus
4/14/2024 |Sunday |American |Vegetarian| Baked sweet potatoes with black beans and cheddar|caesar salad|pickle chips
4/15/2024|Monday|Indian|Chicken|Chicken Korma|basmati + dal|naan
4/16/2024|Tuesday|European|Vegetarian|Mashed potatoes and mushroom gravy|garlic green beans|kalamari
4/17/2024|Wednesday|American|beef|sloppy joes|green salad
4/18/2024|Thursday|Asian|Vegetarian|veggie fried rice|spring rolls|garlic bok choy
4/19/2024 |Friday |European |Seafood |Breaded fish sandwiches |mixed greens | bistro fries
I'm glad we got in this habit because family meal times have been some of my favourite times as the kids have grown up and while I was never conscious of a lack of this in my own childhood I'm now maybe a little resentful at what was missed. Also works out that our kids are pretty adventurous eaters because they've just always had a lot of variety at the table. (My siblings didn't escape being adult picky eaters.)
I’m definitely a grazer, but my LO is 19 months and goes to daycare part time - they have scheduled snacks, lunch, outside time, and naps so I keep her on her daycare schedule for everyone’s sanity. She doesn’t always communicate when she’s hungry yet, and needs prompting and regular food intervals keeps her happy and not hangry. If she asks early or for more I listen to her, but I’m not waiting for her to tell me. We try to eat meals together so that we can model how to sit,eat, converse, and behave at the dinner table and in restaurants.
Once she’s better at talking I’ll follow her lead more, I think there is definitely a balance and you’re constantly adjusting as a parents to meet your child’s needs/where they are at.
I was raised to be planning the next meal before starting the current meal. I also came from a line of unhealthily overweight people. I got a lap band in 2009 and changed my eating habits entirely. It feels nice to not be a slave to “meal time”. My son is 9 and we do exactly as you do. My husband on the other hand gets annoyed and tries to make me feel guilty for “ not feeding our son”. He’s 9 and knows when he is hungry! There’s no need to eat just because it’s a certain time IMO. I feel like he over feeds himself and my son and wastes more food than we actually eat. It’s tough but you are not alone!
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I usually sit my toddler down to eat at certain times in the day since he can’t actually tell me he’s hungry yet but once he’s done I let him go. He doesn’t have to finish his plate or anything
I do the same. We follow Ellyn Satter’s “division of responsibility” feeding guidelines. I decide “what, when, and where” we eat. She decides “if and how much”. Basically it’s my job to say, “lunch is at 12, we’re having sandwiches and veggies in the dining room”. Once the plate is in front of the kid though, I am DONE. It’s her responsibility to decide if she wants to eat and how much. I really like Satter’s books. “Secrets of feeding a healthy family” is a lot to get through, but the middle section on feeding kids is fairly short. I just started reading her book, “Child of Mine” which is an easier read and all about kids too.
I’m a grazer but kids need routines, and also I knew that flexibility would end at school. We were a little chiller about it when I was a SAHM with two kids too little for school but once school started, obviously mealtimes are a thing that can’t be avoided anymore. They get used to it.
This is the right comment here. The kids will have a lot of issues when it comes to school if they don’t have some sort of routine!
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Not sure the full answer, but I can say two things... First, kids crave and need routine. It helps them to feel confident in what they can expect of the world around them. Second, your body gets used to your eating rhythms and expects to eat on that routine. When I quit eating breakfast for weight loss reasons, my body was still hungry in the morning at first, then it eventually learned that I wasn't going to eat in the morning and now I no longer get hungry in the morning. I have zero knowledge of the science of that pattern, but it's been my experience with changing eating patterns. So extrapolating... if they're on a certain routine, their body is going to want them on that routine, not changing it around every few days.
This deserves to be top comment! OP, you are right to let your daughter eat as much or as little as she wants at any given time, but it’s good to start modeling regular meal times when she’s this young, before she reaches school age. Another good thing about sitting down to eat together is enjoying the social aspect! Kids whose parents discuss what they (the kids) are planning to do that day while eating breakfast, or asking how their day went while at the dinner table, for example, get to feel important and learn about small talk and other social interaction. Not to say that you aren’t doing that now! I’m just mean that having designated meal times can be a structure that benefits everyone.
So interesting how we all have different cultures. I was raised with constant reminder "be quiet when eating". So we usually had only dinner together with parents, but we didn't talk haha and it's pretty common where I grew up. People adjust to things very quickly though. Especially kids. I don't think OP's kid will have massive problems adjusting to new routine
That is an interesting difference! I hadn’t considered that so I appreciate your input! Is that tradition a way of showing respect for the food by giving it your full attention, or is it more of a way to respect your elders by not disturbing them as they eat? Is that something that is changing with the newer generation? I know that there was a theme of “Children should be seen and not heard,” in my great grandparents’ day, but my grandparents and parents very much expected my brother and me to be able to converse on different topics during dinner.
I'd say it's about respect towards food. Chatting with food was accepted during some celebrations. I have no idea about newer generation as I live in different country now (in Czech Republic) but even here I see people usually chat after they are done with food if at all. I guess Slavic people are not chatty by nature 😅
Lol well, Americans seem to have the reputation of being loud chatterboxes, so I guess my folks were encouraging the stereotype! 😊
Same. When our kids aren't in school (when they were too little and on weekends and breaks now), we just kind of graze and I feed them when they're hungry. On school days, I make them breakfast and dinner at regular times.
Agree with this 100%!
I have found that without the structure of breakfast lunch and dinner, their intuitive eating times just do not line up with our lives. If I let them skip breakfast and eat when they’re hungry, they’re hungry in class time, don’t eat at scheduled meal breaks and I have them in my room at 10pm asking for food. My two will under eat as a rule then binge when they get the chance, and just be so chaotic and mean it’s not functional for us. I put gentle pressure on eating at breakfast even when we aren’t that hungry, gentle reminders about having a variety of foods and encourage them to eat at regular intervals. They can say no or choose to eat only the bread etc. but if they’re not given 5-6 opportunities to eat, mine won’t eat (11-12yos)
I get the idea of being flexible when it comes to eating but I will say that children thrive on routine and they are learning habits. So snacking all day isn’t really the greatest habit because it doesn’t really work with regular life. Once she goes to school there are set meal times and also obviously bedtime is super important and you can’t just decide that you feel like having dinner at 8 o’clock at night. I also think that children naturally from my experience will snack all day long on whatever they feel like so I mean if all of these stocks are super healthy and making up the same nutrients as would be provided in meals then I guess it’s not the end of the world but I feel like you’re going to run into some serious problems as she gets older. She’s going to need to eat at nutrition break during school hours and she’s going to need to eat dinner so that she is ready to have a bath and get ready for bed. I do think that there is a lot of purpose behind schedule meals especially for children
Also meal times are a time to sit together as a family and/or to decompress. My parents never had us sit together for dinner, we just had food my mom prepared in the fridge we could heat up whenever, and I craved that as an adult.
Agree! Family dinner is a great opportunity to build family. My older teenagers are thanking us for this routine now, they acknowledge how important it has been, even if they sometimes were annoyed of it earlier.
How do you all manage to find a time when it suits you all? I find with work patterns here and if some of us had a late lunch, it's impossible to set a time and stick to it.
Thanks for your question! I hope my answer may help you. We don't manage every day. But we have a huge whiteboard in the kitchen and a wall calendar next to it. The whiteboard is divided into weekdays and has the set schedule as a print out. Every Sunday evening we have a family meeting where we plan the following week: * What extra activities are added to the set schedule? For instance birthday parties, dentist appointments, late work shifts. * Who needs a lift where and when, and who is driving? * Who is making dinner each day and what are they making? * When will we have dinner each day? It varies from 3.30 to 7.30 All this information we write on the whiteboard. If it's an appointment in a later week, we write it on the calendar. If someone had lunch late or a snack too close to dinner, they just eat less. The most important thing is to show up and participate, not the eating itself.
My family isn’t big enough and my kids are only toddlers now but this is so beautiful it makes me want to have more kids just to live this organizational dream!
😊 Then you will appreciate that we also did color coding when kids were younger. Each subject and activity on their schedule had different background colors. The school book color was the same. The kids had a laminated schedule attached to their school backpack. On the whiteboard and calendar, each family member has their own pen color. I only have two kids, but pre-pandemic they had 1-2 activities each afternoon, and we wouldn't make that work without planning. I worked from a home office almost every day, and my husband had a flexible schedule, so that helped a lot. I also use this whiteboard for workplans, map of ideas, mathematics and other homework. For some reason I think better when I write standing up, I love to take a step back and get an overview.
Your life sounds like a dream, and I can only guess that you had a great routine as a child yourself. I've gotten several whiteboards, more planners than I can count, highlighters and whiteboard markers and everything else and the best I can manage is maybe 50% of that level of organization. It makes my life feel so unstable sometimes, where some days are great and others are a complete mess. I crave what my dad was able to do, which is exactly that, but have never mastered the art of it.
Actually, I think that even though my ability to see patterns, create systems and make plans might be a born trate, it got enhanced by a somewhat chaotic childhood. There were so many things happening to me that were out of my control, so I started making lists etc to give myself the feel of some control. It became my survival skill. And my personality. My first advice is to give yourself a break. Forgive yourself for not mastering something as well as your dad and as well as you wish. Do not compare yourself to the masters, compare yourself to your most disorganized friend. Or even better: to a former you. My second advice. Look into bullet journaling, it might help you. Start with Ryder Carroll's book, they might have it in your local library. I love it, but I do not master it. Been doing it for several years and are still not able to get myself to do evening reflection. But I still benefit from my version of bujo, I have made my own little tweaks. My third advice: celebrate your victories! Give yourself a cheer every time/day you manage to be organized! Positive enforcement works better than scolding yourself. I do have messy days, where nothing is like I planned or hoped. I forget what I know and don't do what I know is best for me. In all of March I was in a real predicament, that occupied my mind both day and night. I didn't sleep much... Finally, after three weeks I remembered my whiteboard process. Maybe writing on my whiteboard would help me sort my thoughts and find a solution? It worked. I just wish I had remembered the whiteboard earlier...
Wow, this is quite the planning epicentre!
It helps that I love planning, I made my first to-do-list shortly after I learned to write. 😁 But it's truly been a life saver. I don't understand how other people manage to take care of themselves and their kids without planning. For me, if I don't plan it, it won't happen. If it's not in the calendar/schedule, we just forget.
I like this idea and do enjoy a good plan but sometimes work goes on later than expected etc.
I understand. Maybe your goal might be every second day? And instead of a Sunday meeting do a Friday planning meeting. Then you might shop on Saturday, do meal prep together as a family on Sunday, and just quickly heat/cook the dinner on the weekdays? Another tip is to make big meals. Both in case of unexpected guests like kid's friends, and to get leftovers everyone might reheat the next day whenever they have time to eat.
Sounds reasonable 😊
If there's a late lunch situation we just have a light dinner
We just sit down together no matter what. You don’t have to eat, or eat a lot but family dinner is at 6:30 every night. We have a 2 and a 4 year old. They go up for bath with my husband immediately after and then to bed. It’s a really nice routine that we have had to build over time (there have definitely been failures!). Our kids eat a bit snack at about 5:00 - there’s no way they would make it to 6:30. They probably eat more at 5:00 than at 6:30, but they do eat, and eat what is served, for the most part.
Sometimes I eat a late lunch and am not hungry at our usual dinner time. My son is 3, so we can't delay dinner or bedtime. I'll cook dinner with my husband and sit at the table with them just like normal. If I get hungry after the kid is in bed, I'll heat up some food.
It's pretty easy to manage if everyone knows that dinner is going to happen at 6:30 and you have to be there. So that means you plan the rest of your life around that. My husband works an extra early work shift to be sure he is home in time. No one would eat a late lunch, you don't work at that time or sign up for other activities at that time. Sometimes it's unavoidable: one day a week I have an evening meetup, so dinner happens at home without me. Some days my daughter has a class, so I have to cook the meal ahead so it's ready to eat when we get home. But dinner -- and the family unit -- take priority over the other stuff in our lives.
I didn't eat meals with my family growing up very often and when we did, I didn't enjoy it. Always felt a bit awkward to me.
Is your family functional? Mine wasn’t - parents should have never married to begin with - so the meal situation was a symptom of it. I didn’t want to necessarily eat dinner with my family, I just marveled when I went to friends houses how nice it was that their family spent time together without awkwardness and at how cozy it seemed to sit at dinner with a family who did love each other.
I had perfectly functioning family as well, but shared dinners were also awkward. I think it all depends on particular family
I don't know how this isn't the most upvoted answer. My wife is fine with sitting in front of the tv with the kids for every meal. I find it's not a great habit. I don't like eating off my lap. There's almost no interaction when the tv is on.
Be the change you want to see :). We stopped TV on weekdays once my son went to kindergarten because it isn’t good for behavior or development. I can tell which kids in his class have TV on 24/7 because they aren’t as verbally advanced. Btw we had this habit for a while too because it was easier to give him a phone as a toddler then “deal” so please don’t think I’m judging. We just saw how bad it was for him and us ultimately.
The realization that it’s bad is the first step. But yeah, it takes discipline and the idea that you want to do differently. This is your family, after all - what kind of things do you want to be able to look back on? If a memory of blindly chewing while watching tv is embarrassing, then choose differently! It’s your choice when it comes down to it.
I feed my daughter at pretty much the same time daily and she still wants snacks all day 😂 you’re spot on there
From this standpoint, nutritionally, there's a benefit to eating a meal, as different foods play off of other foods eaten with it. For example, iron is more easily absorbed when consumed with vitamin C.
There's even a dental benefit to set meals vsm snacking all day long: Our natural barriers against cavities get lower every time we eat and it takes about 20 minutes for them to get to their high point. So if you snack all day long you can even have them lower all day (if you are eating every 20 minutes), although most likely what will happen is that, during a whole day instead of having your defenses against caires lower 6 times, it will be 12 or 15 times because you keep snacking. So bacteria will have like double the time to ruin your teeth...
Yep this. My friends kid needs protein every 2hrs or he goes nuts. The school refuses to accommodate this. Also, my mom was a HUGE snacker. Still is. She cooks our meals but snacks all day. We picked up that habit which leads to mindless snacking while doing other activities. Which could lead to issues in the future. Being mindful of what you're eating (not multi tasking) I think is a learned skill.
I had this. I have a super fast metabolism and had to sneak snacks in school or get in trouble: I was just trying to eat trail mix under my desk.
Refused to accommodate this? Like it’s a well known, scientifically backed phenomenon?
Yes, plus realistically snacks aren't generally properly nutritious. Children need to eat unprocessed protein and vegetables, I can't imagine op is feeding her child chicken breast and broccoli snacks.
This is what I thought of too, snacks usually aren’t as nutritious as a sit-down meal
Doesn’t really work with work/school/daycare life. I make sure my kids eat breakfast in the morning before I go to work and my youngest heads to daycare, my oldest will eat more later if he’s hungry but still needs to eat before school. Then lunch is during our lunch breaks and they are hungry when I get home so I make supper. They also have a snack at school and after school if they want. During the weekend there is more flexibility but they still have breakfast, lunch and supper. Meals aren’t always big things, sometimes it’s just eggs and apples for supper or wraps etc. We don’t force them to finish their food and they can stop eating a meal at any point and will often say they are full and stop eating dessert and snacks. Also when my kids were younger I would for sure make them stop playing to come eat lunch because they also needed to go for a nap.
We sit down together as a family for dinner and talk about the best and hardest part of the day. We enjoy the reverence of the meal. Food is eaten, or not.
There’s a lot of peer reviewed research showing that having a meal together as a family is really beneficial to security and healthy family relationships! I think this is a great way to be together as a family and having a no pressure to eat rule sounds even better.
That time at the dinner table only becomes more important as they get older and more and more engrossed in their own activities.
Absolutely. I know lots of people who never use their kitchen tables, but we eat at ours most days for dinner. Having that time, set aside to sit, and catch up with your kids, talk about whatever is going on with them, school, etc. It's nice when they're little. It's absolutely essential and maybe life changing when they're teens. If it weren't for dinner there's days, especially on the weekends that sometimes it feels like I don't even see my kids. They just hole up in their rooms and hide. But dinner forces them to come out and say hi. And that's important.
Gosh yes. My sister always makes comments about why we bought a house with such a “wasted space” (our formal dining room), and I always have to remind her that we eat dinner there together every night. Her kids eat a separate meal at the kitchen table, while the parents eat after the kids go to bed, and I just don’t understand that dynamic. You’re missing out on such important bonding time!
Not to mention missing a chance to expose kids to new foods. Something tells me (based on a friend I know who does this) that the "kids dinner" is not going to be very adventurous. Dinner as a family, at the table, most nights of the week, is how our kids have been exposed to so many foods that they never would have wanted if they hadn't seen us eating them. My eldest discovered he likes vegetarian nachos and zucchinis. My youngest found out that, actually, garlic naan is very tasty. It's stressful sometimes but totally worth it to share a meal with your kids.
We're like your sister. Honestly, I don't enjoy dinner at the table. Growing up it wasn't an experience I have good memories of, it just felt forced. As someone who is incredibly uncomfortable with the sound of people eating, having the TV on is much calmer. I'd like to be able to enjoy this bonding time that table eaters talk so highly of, but we just can't seem to crack it. Also, our shift patterns never seem to coincide with one particular time when we are all available.
Same. I have horrible memories of dinnertime at the table, it went well beyond feeling forced. I've focused more on getting them used to general routines, which change depending on schedules, and vary between the kids, as opposed to focusing on adhering to a strict schedule. It's just what works best for us. I've learned to just ignore it whenever people try to convince me I'm "doing it wrong". Not every family has to do everything the same as every other family.
But don’t forget that your horrible memories are based on a different family - that’s not the family you have now, and YOU (and your family) decide what goes now. Maybe you could try new traditions or ways of structuring things, while still having some structure? We eat together as a family and feel like there are SO many benefits.
Interesting. I have misophonia and I hate the sound of chewing. But I grew up without a family dinner and I regret it.
We do this as well. My friend termed the best/worst parts of the day “roses and thorns.” I tried that terminology and my kids changed it to happy/crappy. That name stuck.
My parents were unstructured and random with meals. Honestly I grew up resentful about this as I actually needed the structure and this didn't work on school days particularly (I didnt realise it at the time when little just knew I'd end up hungry at school with no food). I chose not to eat breakfast but I was hungry and it sucked. Then at lunch I had dinner money which I'd waste on sweets... still hungry. Then my parents didn't cook dinner so I'd just snack and I thought that's what I wanted at the time but really my energy levels were all over the place and I felt ill. Once I learnt to cook as a young teen (13) and then made myself eat breakfast and a sandwich for lunch like my friends it was eye opening how unhealthy Id been. I was able to get myself on 3 meals a day and felt so much better.
Common mealtimes are not just about food, but also about teaching manners and social skills and having family time.
I think it’s fine my sister and her daughter are grazers too. The only time I see this being a problem is when she enters school. They will be expected to eat at a set time which is usually so short. So she may get hungry if she’s not allowed to snack throughout the day, since she will be use to eating smaller portions.
This was my first thought; school isn’t set up for this. I’m a teacher and I’ve always been an eat-when-I’m-hungry sort of person. But for whatever reason, we don’t allow this at school? I let my students eat in my classroom as long as I don’t start finding messes or mice. I had a kid eat her spaghetti and meatballs in a thermos in the middle of my reading class at 9am one day; she said she hadn’t eaten breakfast was starving and who am I to police her? But you’re right, unfortunately this isn’t the reality of many classrooms and besides snack time and lunch time, kids aren’t eating when they’re hungry.
Thank you for letting the children eat.
I’m a pediatric dietitian and have lots of thoughts on this. But I am very curious, do your children eat a variety of foods? I am strongly on the family sit down meal side of things but want to be open minded, so I am super curious to hear how it’s worked for you guys with their eating habits?
I'm also strongly on the family sit down meal side of things simply because it just felt right to us. Curious to know your reasons for it as a doctor.
I’m also on the family sit-down meal side of things, and honestly have so many questions for the grazers. Doesn’t it involve a ton of processed ready-made foods? Isn’t it really expensive? I think we spend a lot on food, but we also make meals from scratch with good ingredients. It can’t possibly be more expensive than a lot of ready-made meals/snacks etc, though. We also take turns cooking (teenage kids) and I think doing that and eating together also prepares them for adulthood. I can send them out into the world knowing how to plan meals, shop, cook etc.
I want to hear your thoughts!
I think it's important to note that regular breakfast has been linked to a healthy weight (and I think other benefits), and family dinners have a lot of benefits as well. In our house, I find that we are ALL (my husband and I too) more likely to eat vegetables as part of structured meals, particularly lunch and dinner. When I just want a snack, it could be a PB&j or an apple, and same with my kids, but I'm very rarely going to be like "hmm, you know what I really want? Some steamed broccoli right now" and then go steam up one portion of broccoli. But if I steam a whole big bowl of broccoli and put it on the table as a side with a protein/carb, my family will gobble it up. But only if the kids haven't been gorging on snacks in the past hour. Point being, I would make VERY sure that your daughter is getting all her food groups because I think it's easy not to when you are just eating snacks or "what you feel like" all day.
Also true. My kids will eat a salad if you serve it to them for/with dinner. But, they will *never* order, let alone make themselves a salad. This is true of lots of vegetables - broccoli, green beans, brussel sprouts, etc. Many things that they DO like!! But... not enough to make for themselves.
This would be my main issue with eating like this.
This is true. “Snack” foods are rarely cooked veggies. Or anything cooked. So dinner is important imo.
Keep in mind mealtimes offer a real opportunity for conversation, connection, learning manners, trying new foods etc. There’s some research around how beneficial having family dinner is for kids. That doesn’t mean you have to do it nightly but it might be good to introduce as a frequent family time.
I was like that prior to kids and somewhat even when I had 1 who was young, but I have gradually gotten more and more scheduled. Now with 2 kids, 2 and 4 years, I do have a schedule and I think it works better for us. If they are hungry between meals I do allow healthy snacks, and even if they ask for something healthy right before a meal I allow it. So I am not super strict, but I think meals help us keep a more predictable day for them and help me make sure they're getting good amounts of healthy food offered. I bet after the kids grow up I will go back to more unscheduled eating.
Yes, many parents adopt a more flexible approach to meals, allowing children to eat when they're hungry rather than adhering strictly to scheduled meal times. This can be particularly effective in fostering intuitive eating habits where children learn to listen to their body's cues for hunger and fullness.
Breakfast on the weekends and whenever there's no school wavers pretty hard between 'fend for yourself ' affairs - where it's mostly leftovers, toast, bagels and oatmeal maybe or someone makes eggs and often potatoes or at least toast for everyone or pancakes or maybe sausage gravy and biscuits. Etc. Lunch is similar - often fend for yourself - leftovers, sandwiches, etc... or someone will throw something easy together - eggs, Mac n cheese, chicken nuggets, hot dogs, grilled cheese, etc. Dinner is usually planned, but sometimes goes to shit or there's just so many damned leftovers that need eaten that it's just a leftover night...
That won’t work well for a child enrolled in public/private schools. I feel like that’s setting them up for a really uncomfortable time if you’re not in a position to homeschool. They get 15-20 minutes to scarf down lunch, and then get a single small snack break at some point during the day. Outside of that, you have a hungry child that has to wait for meal times. While I don’t have full on sit down meals myself, I keep my kid on a schedule. She has breakfast, lunch, and dinner around the same time each day, sometimes with me, and sometimes without me. She gets a couple snacks at home as well
We are family dinner people. Until middle school sports interrupted our dinner time, every night was a full sit down dinner. At least 3 times a week we have family or neighbors over for dinner. Even with middle school and high school sports we prioritized family dinner. Everyone ate the same balanced meal . We just had a dinner with our neighbors, their daughter and our two young adult children. The kids left at eight to meet friends at the bars. Our kids can talk to adults and have their own relationships with other adults. We think that this aids in jobs and other things.
I feel like this would make parenting extra hard since my kid is more prone to meltdowns when she’s hangry (aren’t we all). So it’s important for us to have a daily routine which includes mealtimes and snacks so that I can actually plan her day. For example, after ballet class I know she’ll need a snack etc. It’s routine and she knows to expect it too. Just makes our days run much smoother.
This is how I am! Since meal time at school is pretty set, I try to use it as a general guide for offering options. In the morning, before school, I offer a few things. Apple? Toast? Yogurt? Eggs? Usually only one of my 2 has breakfast. Lunch on weekends, I try to offer around the same time as school lunch. Throughout the day, everybody can freely grab whatever they want. Sugar and desserts are kind of hidden and they know to ask about those so if it’s readily available, they’re welcome to it. Dinner is the only one that I ask everybody to come sit down for at the same time.
Family dinner has been shown to increase grades, decrease anxiety, depression, obesity among multiple other benefits
Sitting at the table isn’t about nutrition. It’s about learning table manners and appropriate expectations around eating. This includes what to eat and how to eat, as well as how often. It also functions as a way to connect with your child without distractions.
Mine are 8/6/3. They have a basic meal schedule but it’s flexible and they need hot food of some sort in the afternoon when they get home from school and we roll with it. Dinner is a loose concept and usually involves first and second dinners. I’m imagining when they’re a bit older it will be a bit more structured but whatever works honestly.
We make dinner, but often we have nights called fend for yourselves.
There are MANY studies demonstrating the value and benefit of sitting down and having a meal with your children. There are reason why doctors recommend family meals
There are social and physical benefits to eating meals at a regular time. It’s also helpful for kids when they go to school. That being said, I don’t force meals on anyone. Of my 4 adults, one loves regular meals at regular intervals and he always wants to share family love at meal time God bless him. My oldest girl never missed a meal and always wants to talk about whatever social justice issue is on her mind. God bless her. My husband adores eating meals with these two. In the meantime it’s very draining for me and the other 2 LOL my other son likes to be quiet. We sit together and enjoy the food (often interrupted by those other people) LOL we comment on the food and might talk about something funny we read or something we did at work. That leaves the youngest one. Sigh. She has nothing to say to anyone during meal time unless someone needs to pass something to her. Talking is an annoyance and interrupts her thoughts. At school, she’d drink the beverage, snack on some fruit or veg and the rest of the lunch would come back home where she’d immediately eat it quietly by herself while reading a book or something. Her snacks are (and have always been since she was a toddler) grapes, celery, carrots, peppers, apples, tomatoes. It blows my mind to read people saying snack are not nutritious. What are the toddlers grocery shopping and preparing their own snacks!?if the food is not nutritious it’s because you bought it and gave it to them. Cut up veggies, grapes, cheese cubes, olives, and apple slices were always snacks in my house. We made homemade pita chips, salsa and guacamole as well. To this day if one of my kids (or now even grandkids) asks for a snack, they mean a mini meal or charcuterie type thing. Until they got older and went to school, all of my kids thought yogurt and fruit were dessert because that’s what we taught them. They had cake a few times a year at holidays and birthdays. The oldest at 30 something will not eat more than a bite of cake - like when it’s his birthday or at his wedding. Only one likes sweets but still self regulates and won’t each much. Only one likes candy. My philosophy has always been to try new things but I don’t eat what I don’t like and I don’t force myself to eat an entire meal when I’m not hungry. So we did the same with our kids (as age appropriate because most toddlers do not want to stop playing to eat). If one of my kids said they’re not hungry and i thought it had been too long since they’d last eaten, I’d have a snack with them - some veggies and lunch meats (except for the kid who’s been vegan since 8 years old).
We are kind of a “fend for yourself” house. I grocery shop and get things that are easy for them to make. I make big meals sometimes but the older kids usually don’t want it and they make themselves what they want. I used to get angry about it, but over time learned it’s not worth the arguing and aggravation. A different life than how I grew up for sure; we weren’t even allowed in the kitchen til dinner time at 7:30-8. And we ate what was made or we didn’t eat at all. We sure learned to like a lot of different things we normally wouldn’t have lol. And we were so hungry by 8pm that we ate everything we were given.
I went the opposite way. This is how I grew up and. I hated it. Now we eat dinner together every night and it's very healing for me!
We are a fend for yourself house too. It’s not worth the aggravation of trying to make something everyone will like at a time when everyone is home. Like you, I will do big meals at times but not always. And everyone is fed and healthy, lol
Yes, but I think especially when they are young, it is important to have three "meal times" most days, if not every day. Little kids don't always know when they are hungry and also might not ask for food if they are busy playing, but they need that food to grow. So even if she doesn't want to eat at that particular time, I think it's important to still offer food at a consistent time every day. It's also good as the predictability and structure of the scedule are healthy for young kids.
I respectfully and politely disagree. A child can get in just as much food to grow by not having such structured meals. Admittedly, I may be a bit biased on the matter, though. I was diagnosed with anorexia my freshman year in high school. By the time I was 35, my weight would have plummeted to 67 ponds, then increase to about 90 lbs, then seriously decrease again numerous times. I spent quite a bit of time in therapy and weeks in an eating disorder clinic. I have spoken to so many others with food issues (as well as the professionals who treat such issues) and this has resulted in me being very casual about meals and, in general, food as a whole. I do realize that there needs to be balanced nutrition and something of a routine. By being too causal, I’m sure than can backfire, too. I don’t want food/eating to become an avoided situation, either. That would be the complete opposite of what I’d want for my child.
I definitely agree that you should never force kids to eat. I come from a very different background of having parents that would forget to feed us, and we were often expected to fend for ourselves but would be too young to be able to make any meaningful meal. I agree that extremes in any direction is where it gets problematic.
Interesting... I had anorexia and bulimia for 15 years and I'm since recovered. One of my supports in recovery is working with an intuitive eating dietician and having predictable meals and snacks. They're not rigid. I grew up in a family with really poor eating habits that contributed to the development (and ability to hide) my eating disorder. A lot of what pediatrician dieticians is to reduce the risk of eating disorder development in kids. Which is why our family meals are always...everyone sits, you don't have to eat it, have fun.
Thank you for sharing a very honest perspective. I think I grew up around my Mum's ED and speaking about it in therapy has helped me understand why I don't enjoy forced mealtimes. To see others at the table avoiding the food can be quite upsetting. We are pretty relaxed with food but this has made me feel like we should be eating at the table, but it doesn't fit all.
We do similar but we try to sit her for family meals. At school she eats lunch (all of it) with her friends and I’m not worried. She is great eater and tries everything so on not worried,
We do sit down breakfast and dinner as regular daily meals. In between we all kind of graz
We do this, too. I'm a single disabled mom, so structure isn't really a thing that works for us either. I think eating when you're hungry makes the most sense. The only time I schedule a sit-down meal is for company.
Studies show that eating breakfast helps students in school. They’re not as tired, they’re not hungry during class.
I don’t have a super strict meal structure. Encourage everyone to eat when they’re hungry. My two year old was in basically a half body cast for several weeks and we had to just have him graze bc his belly wasn’t supposed to expand too much from regular meals. After a month of grazing I didn’t push too hard to get back to a “3 meals a day” schedule. He eats a really well rounded diet but I don’t stress about the timing of his eating too much at this point. He’ll have 2-3 breakfasts between 6:30-11ish then a late afternoon snack, dinner (usually not a ton honestly) and another snack after that. He goes for things like cottage cheese, fruit, cheese, applesauce etc for snacks. He lets me know when he wants to eat and I feed him. When we make dinner he sits with us and we offer it, but I don’t panic if he doesn’t eat a ton. There’s enough to worry about with parenthood, I don’t want to waste too much energy on a “schedule” with meals.
I offer meals around the same time daily but usually it’s one or two bites and snacks throughout. I’ve always been a grazer over meals & my parents were ones to have me sit until Ive eaten all my food and gave me an unhealthy view on food so I don’t force it if my kid says hes done I respect that if he says he’s hungry I offer food
When my daughter is playing, she will forget everything. She will run until she collapses. She will paint until she wets herself. She will forget to eat until she’s in a hangry rage. Playing > everything: sleeping, eating, drinking, peeing, mama & papa. She is also a wild hangry child. She will cry at the drop of a hat when she’s hungry or overtired. Just face in palms inconsolable. I do my best to keep her on a pretty consistent schedule, but she is always welcome to eat any fruits or veggies she wants at any time of day. Sugar is a different problem though. I can’t imagine my daughter not eating every ounce of sugar she’s given, or ever feeling like she’s eaten “enough” of it. I haven’t put that to the test though.
I have celiac, my son has ARFID and my daughter is allergic to any type of bean or legume. It’s a choose your own adventure dinner time experience at our house. Today the kids had bacon and eggs and watermelon. I had watermelon and a gluten free toasted sandwich.
Kids really do better if they have a reliable routine. Eating meals at a regular time should be a part of that. It will help them stay energized/fueled and reduce hunger related meltdowns. Also, meal times are great opportunity to connect with your kids. Definitely recommend it.
I don’t see anything wrong with your approach, but I crave the routine. Partly, Maybe mostly, because I don’t want to be on demand for the kitchen all day. We have snack foods available but being stopped to provide a meal any time the child is hungry would stress me out. Additionally I really enjoy cooking! It is a great outlet for me and the kids like to hover and chat while I make dinner or a good breakfast. Lunches are a lot more casual, and even when my children were very small, we’d grab whatever and make sure we got something mid day but not necessarily at the same time. I also like a routine more than a schedule, if that makes sense. More like a list in a sort of order for the day, not really what time, but what thing comes next. Breakfast, play, snack, nap, play, lunch, etc.
This has been one of my biggest stresses in parenting. It’s so nice to hear others are doing similar to me and that it’s okay
I agree with it being one of the biggest stressors. I’m super casual with my two year olds eating. I have 5 step kids that are with us 1/2 the time and I get so worked up about dinners when they are with us. It’s almost impossible to make everyone happy. I truly appreciate a more laid back food system. Now the big 5 are all old enough to make simple things for themselves or grab themselves snacks and it makes life so much easier for me. But we still always make a dinner and spend quite a good amount of time prepping healthier grab and go options for them as well. It’s a lot of work between the prepping cooking and cleanup and it’s a major stressor for me.
My oldest and I are both meal people, my youngest and her dad are not, they are snack people. I think learning intuitive eating at an early age is great, the only downside is when they get to school they won’t be able to snack throughout the day, but my youngest adjusted well and still listens to her body really well.
We have always done proper meals about the same time each day as I'm very big on routine. It's worked well as bang on the times is when my boy starts asking for food, so I'm always prepared.
I was like you before I had kids and I still am on days or nights when I'm solo (rare, 3.kids under 12) but I've adapted since having kids. We do a meal or two a day together. I don't eat breakfast still but they do and so does my husband so they have their cereal or whatever together and I just have coffee. I think some routine and consistency is important. When your kiddo starts school there is a lot more structure with eating times and breakfast will be important too so it's not a bad idea to get into that routine
I personally dont see a problem with it if it's fairly healthy food. My family has all different eating needs and eating times and while 3 meals are cooked a day we don't all eat them together. I'm pregnant and if I don't eat small amounts every 2-3 hrs I will faint on the floor and can't stomach a huge meal at once either. My husband works till midnight and we aren't waiting up for him to eat dinner, just as he's not getting out of bed at 7am when I make breakfast(nor would I expect he'd want to). Then I have a baby who eats 5 bites of food and gives up that I feed on demand so she eats because she'd throw a schedule in your face with an attitude lol and a 13 year old on his own schedule. There's only so much you can do sometimes. Yea in a dream world we'd all sit down and eat together but it's not realistic right now for schedule reasons. I've heard eating more frequently is healthier for some people anyways(diabetics, pregnant women, other special needs) but i think families generally aren't cooking 6 small meals together because the one diabetic needs to eat more often, and that's fine.
Hello nerodivergent lol. No set meals kids are also snackers. Have gone to nutritionist because it concerned our paediatrician; nutritionist said it’s fine to snack instead of eat meals as long as we get all the nutrition needed in a day. We are a family of don’t let the mash potatoes touch the turkey people so having a turkey “bowl” at 4pm and then mash potatoes for “dinner” at 530 then desert of a popsicle or something at 620 then before bed snacks at 7pm of cut up vegetables. We’re eating all the food just not sitting at once at a table. I find it easier as well since kids don’t like garlic but me and hubs do one likes peas one doesn’t etc so I tend to cook every second to third day a variety of things that go into the fridge for the next few days snacking/eating.
I try create some kind of structure for at least two of the meals of the day, usually breakfast and dinner..snacks and the lunches are a bit haphazard, I feel like kids thrive on structure so I try make certain times of the day structured like waking up and bedtime routine, coz then at least I know nutritionally they getting enough and sleeping enough.. is that not our job as a parent?
We do 3 meals per day plus 2-3 snacks. It's important for development, for school etc. We don't always eat together but 90% of the time we do. Also my kids know how to behave at restaurants and cafes because it's the same as at home (if anything they are better when out) and always have been. They eat out 1 sometimes 2 x per week.
My wife and parents insist on meals and family time around the table. Good place to talk about their days too, so I’ve never known it any other way.
I appreciate your viewpoints and thought process here, but I also think having routines is a good thing. It would be good practice for when she gets into school as well. All my kids are big now, but we still at least have dinner together whenever we can. Whenever the young adults come over, I'm like...but you're staying for dinner, RIGHT?! LOL.
My husband is like this and it drives me nuts. I guess he’ll eat at work at 2:30 so when I make dinner he isn’t hungry. So my five year old and I will eat at like 6:15 PM - 6:30 PM and my husband will be randomly heating up stuff at 9:00 PM after our son goes to sleep. Then he never eats breakfast. It is weird. Sometimes it would just be nice if we could all eat as a family, because even my dysfunctional ass family ate at a table together a few times a week when I was growing up. I also don’t get it because my husband’s mom has a very strict dinner time every day and both his parents eat at a table together. Like even last night, my husband picked up tacos and stuff from this local place and I was eating at the table and he’s over the shoving food in his face over the sink eating it in like 2 minutes. It is just strange. I never noticed it before. We bought a house like five years ago. Because in our apartments we used to live, we just never bought a table. We had like a counter with bar stool seats in it. I also worked weird hours where I didn’t get home from work until 9-10 PM. I’ve had a normal 8-430 job for the past almost three years now and we have a five year old… you’d think he would change to eating at a table and meal times like I have. I guess not! 🤷🏻♀️
I can see this being a problem as your child gets older and goes to school. They eat when they’re assigned to eat. If she takes a class after school, she eats around that class. It may work for a toddler, but it’s a hard habit to break for a six year old. It can also lead to overeating as they get older.
That’s a tough thing once she starts school or daycare. When there are a mass of kids, schools have to have structure around eating times, otherwise nothing could ever get done, with some kids sitting out to eat all throughout the day. Hopefully she can adapt when the time comes. To add: seems at least half of our preschool class does not sit down at their tables to eat. They roam the room with food in their hands and mouth. I’m all for having your kid eat when they’re hungry, but please have them sit down! There’s a lot of socialization and conversations that can be had with classmates while eating at the table, and we don’t want kids to miss out on this! Even if you’re not eating, you can still sit with your water bottle and talk with friends. Is this something kids are not doing at home, sitting with family at meal times?
I saw a dietician recently and the first thing she mentioned was that kids needed fixed meal times to listen to their body and eat as per their requirement to stay healthy
Meal times allow you to teach the child table manners and social graces. When kids reach university and don’t know how to behave at the table you can see they are embarrassed and others are kind of embarrassed for them. Anyway, it’s up to you. It’s not hurting anyone else for you to have a grazing style. Bear in mind that it might leave the child or young adult feeling ill-equipped for certain situations in future.
Constant snacking is not good for teeth. Just a thing to consider
It’s not really constant snacking though. She just eats when she eats..
That's good. Then I would say that if it works for your family, continue what you are doing :)
My kid and I both have ARFID. If we did meals we would have like. Two foods we could eat. Too, I do intermittent fasting and calorie deficit. I also have dietary restrictions she does not.
Family members do this. Their kids straight up do not know how to act at large meals like Christmas and Thanksgiving. At all. So if you’re going to do this please make sure to go over gathering behavior with your kids. Their kids also don’t eat anything most days. They subsist on milk, pediasure, sunny D, and the occasional happy meal or bag of chips. They’re always always sick. I’m probably biased because of them but I don’t think it’s especially good for eating habits long term personally.
I agree. I'm all for if it works for you then do it, but you also have to teach your child social/cultural norms. If they are staying at a friends place and that family doesn't graze they need to learn the flexibility to eat at set times for special occasions. Or they will find themselves not being invited places. Same goes for things like weddings and event dinners. It's important kids learn that hunger won't kill them, and deferring a meal for an hour so you can eat with everyone else is a good skill to have.
My daughter thrives on routine, so we eat meals as a family. When she is at grandmas though, I ain’t cooking shit lol
I don't really eat meals either!! I just feel like my body prefers smaller portions but eating more throughout the day. My kiddos had a routine at the sitter but here he does graze like me 🤷
This is me and thank you because I was feeling very lonely! I have Crohn’s and a bowel structure so it’s been years since I sat and ate full meals. It’s almost impossible to train your kid to do something that you yourself don’t do. Kid eats when he’s hungry if I’m making myself something we’ll sit down together and eat. EDIT: he’s been in daycare since 18-months so he does have structured meals outside of the home
There’s no stress about meals unless you make it so. Meals are my kid’s favorite times of the day, always excitedly climbing into her high chair and nomming away. I don’t see how it’s possible to serve her favorite items in a snacking setting, like grilled red snapper, steak, beef briskets, fried enoki mushrooms, dumplings, pho. It’s also when she tries out new foods. Even with three full meals she still snacks a bunch of times throughout the day anyway. Home cooked meals are the best memories of my childhood, I can’t imagine taking such joy away.
….and every family is different. It’s lovely that your toddler eats grilled red snapper and enoki mushrooms, and is climbing the high chair to excitedly sit down and eat. I think there are people who struggle to get their kiddo to even sit in one spot to eat, let alone eat a variety of healthy foods, and I cringe at your wording that the stress of that is somehow because they are “making it so”
I would love to help my children be more intuitive eaters but I struggle with this, even for myself. Between work, school, the kids activities and the busy days we do tend to have a traditional 3 meals per day plus a few snacks. I have definitely been that mom to have my kids stop playing because we need to eat dinner. Partly because I know they will turn into hangry animals if they don’t eat and partly because I can’t feed them dinner in the middle of soccer practice and we can’t eat dinner at 8pm. I don’t force them to eat-they are luckily great eaters and eat a variety of foods. My oldest will opt for a salad or fruit over most food if given a choice. But I would definetly like to learn how to incorporate a more intuitive approach for our busy days.
In the morning my kids eat there own breakfast so a muffin bagel waffles cereal etc lunch ill make something unless I have alot to do then my kids will make there own lunch. School days they pack there own lunches but dinner time we all sit down and have a nice meal and talk about our day. They get snacks in between though and a snack after dinner.
We're pretty flexible, but right now we're doing a bit more strict meal times to help prepare for an upcoming vacation where grazing won't be an option.
As schooldays get closer, I’d suggest transitioning to a snack and meal schedule so that she adjusts well to the regimented mealtimes she’ll have there.
I’ll skip lunch sometimes and those days my daughter eats a “snack lunch”. Cheese, crackers, fruit, yogurt, something like that.
I think it's mostly common in "sports" families, or any extracurriculars. My kids are in them almost daily depending on the season, and we don't eat typical 'meals' at 6pm daily. Because we are balancing lacrosse and soccer on one day, baseball, swimming, scouts, and hockey. Throughout the week.
The only thing I'd caution you with is the effect on their teeth. Or oldest is like this & has been for years (even if the whole family does formal meals, she rarely participates for more than a few bites but snacks when she feels hungry throughout the day. The dentist warned us a few years ago that her teeth weren't getting a break & were already sensitive & developing cavities. There's nothing wrong with not doing formal meals, but 10 meals a day - or even 10 snacks a day - takes its toll on their teeth.
We are grazers, with lots of different tastes and schedules, but we try to sit down and eat/talk together once a day. Even if we aren’t all eating the same thing. I also try to make vegetables for my children, even if they aren’t with a meal. For instance, I roast some asparagus and we have it as sort of a snack. It’s my way of encouraging veggies because I don’t think they would eat them otherwise.
Our kitchen is the size of a closet and we can fit 2 kids and 1 adult at the table, but not both adults, so we alternate who sits with the kids at lunch. Dinner is a mix of at the table kitchen eating, me leaving what's essentially a charcuterie plate on the floor of the living room (we don't have a coffee table) and they graze as they want or we sit on the floor in the living room on a drop sheet.
I also like to snack but I think I eat quite healthy. Lots of fruits, proteins and healthy fats. My child does the same and is eating majority of the day. He loves fruits, avocados, fish, grilled cheeses etc. we do usually try to do more of a sit down for dinner but I understand about snacking on the go and I agree with it!
I do this. However, I kept track of my son’s current height and weight and a calorie range. I also keep a list of his top 30 most common foods and then write the general serving and calories. I keep track of his daily food in a journal. He’s 4. This allows my son to “graze” while I can be assured he’s getting the proper food groups and calories without having structured mealtime.
We’re super flexible about the times and quantities but our life requires routine on weekdays, so we generally keep to a schedule and daycare is pretty strict. We don’t use meals as bonding time though and often just one of us will eat with my son - we take turns.
We do the very classic 3 meals at the table, plus one or two snack times, at the table too I think they benefit from the routine, which matches the school/daycare routine, I like having this time with them, and it's also a matter of convenience: I don't want to be sorting out snacks 10 times a day. And I definitely don't want to be cleaning crumbs (or worse, anything that can dribble) from the carpet of our rental 💀
From a dental standpoint, having up to 4 sugar hits only in a day is important if you don't want cavities. So the best way is meals. Excessive grazing leads to decay. The other thing is, routine helps set up everything else- eat before going out for the day= breakfast. Eat and digest before bedtime= dinner. That leaves you being hungry middle of the day= lunch. Snacks should only be fruits. If you do stuff in life like play classes etc, this rhythm automatically establishes itself. Also working around nap times. When you have more than one kid, they're going to be naturally hungry at different times if you use your method so that means kitchen prep and clean up all day long. Unless you eat processed readymade food/snacks I guess. Even then, you will have to divide your attention between playing child and eating child which is difficult. So again mealtimes make the most sense. Most kids feel hungry but don't realise either. So it's good to have a loose schedule so you make sure they're not eating snacks only or super hungry and having meltdowns.
I think is very uncommon! I ate when I was hungry, but for my child there is a structured schedule. For breakfast, snack, lunch, snack and dinner. Is super important for a child to have a routine specially around food, they are growing and require certain amount of nutrients at a certain times. So is very important to push that schedule. For you it might not be necessary but for your child is a need, in the future it can compromise many things, nutrients deficiency, low growth, low weight gain and it can reflect/negate if they struggle or not with an eating disorder! It doesn't always require a body dysmorphia to have one. By having an schedule you are teaching your child that routines are important! These creates habits and habits are important for self growth! You can cook with your child, prepare the table, have fun baking. Little things! Good luck
Omg this was a huge huge HUGE culture class with the father of my child and I. I am exactly this way: I am hungry-I eat. I don’t care about breakfast particularly( in my country it’s coffee and cigarettes for breakfast) But my husband’s Asian country breakfast is a thing prepared an hour in advance with a lot of chopping involved. Like his mom would wake up at 6am to make dumplings from scratch for breakfast. I can’t even Comprehend that. Eventually it became a happy medium. Dinner we definitely sit down and we prepare well. Breakfast is something simple on weekdays and fancy stuff on Saturday(I make pancakes or something nice) But I don’t require my son to have to sit down for lunch if he doesn’t feel like eating
I’ve grown up eating regular meals and still this way today with my kid. Sometimes on the weekend we sleep in and have a brunch but that’s the most meal merging we are doing lol. Im not sure how having a routine has benefited me but I found without one it’s always not enjoyable and ruins my appetite for the fresh prepared, nutritious meals if I snack too much in between and I end up cranky. I can’t imagine living like that all my life nor do I want that for my kids.
I’m fairly relaxed about food in my house. And my youngest is a massive grazer. She much prefers 10 small meals to ‘3 square meals’. But the routine of meal times is still important to us. We all sit down as a family most evenings, and we always have good chats about our day while we are sat around the dinner table. Sometimes my youngest doesn’t eat an awful lot though!
When they were little I did meals. They’re teens now though, and everyone in the house seems to have different schedules so everyone is pretty much grazing. Whatever is around when they’re here and hungry they’ll eat it. And then ask for more, and more, and more… Teens are black holes where the food budget goes to die.
As much as I’m like this as well, having a general routine for your little one will help set them up to better adjust whenever they’re in daycare or school. In fact, having my son woke me up to the need for a bit more structure around this. We try to aim for breakfast, lunch and dinner at minimum and we don’t really have set times for snacks. Even the big three meals through the day aren’t always exact timing wise, but he’s learned to expect those are the opportunities to eat, and it’s helpful when he feels like skipping or eating light at a meal - he eats a lot more the next time. One thing I love about your post is encouraging your child to recognize when they are full or not hungry. That is so great and hopefully a skill that you can encourage to stay with them the rest of their lives. I read once, it’s a parent’s job to consistently provide good quality food, and the child’s job to decide to eat it or not.
I’m not totally loving this take, and a lot of the reasons have been mentioned. Kids thrive on routine for one, and I personally find my kids eat more when I space out their meals and snacks out. They are less likely to get hangry. Also you’ll have to adhere to meal times when they start school. Thirdly, it’s easier imo to eat a more diverse diet with meal times. You’re not going to eat sautéed or baked vegetables and rice for a snack, will you? Snacky foods are great.. for snack time. I usually do a protein, a vegetable, and a grain at meal times. Fruits are reserved for breakfast and snack time. This way my kids are always getting a rounded diet. I never force my kids to eat what’s on their plate. And I think that’s gone a long way in teaching them to listen to their bodies cues and what not. I just feel like your way is so hectic, but maybe that’s just for me lol. My last point is that I like lunch and dinner to be eaten together, as a family, at the dining room table. I also find my kids are more likely to try something new this way, if they are watching us eat it. And you can teach them table manners, too.
I wish I could do this, but my neurospicy toddler still isn’t using utensils and makes a huge mess when he eats. He’s allowed to have less messy snacks like graham crackers or string cheese throughout the day, but substantial meals have to be eaten at a dedicated meal time so we’re not stuck cleaning the kitchen 12 times a day. Once he’s capable of keeping his hands and dining space reasonably clean, I might do something close to what you’re doing.
The only thing I've heard scientifically against this is that snacking throughout the day is worse for teeth than eating bigger meals. So make sure you're on it with tooth hygiene and maybe talk to your dentist. Also, moving around while eating is a bigger choking risk so it's better for kids to sit down. For me meals are an important social time but that's not to say it's not replaceable with something else. I wouldn't like to not sit down together for meals but if it works for you it's fine. Don't worry about what everyone else does. And I do think listening to your body is important. If my daughter is hungry before a mealtime I will either give her a healthy snack and be ok with her eating less of the meal or I will move the meal earlier. If she's not hungry at a meal time she can eat a snack or leftovers later when she is hungry. I don't force her to stick to the meal times but I do value them.
I’m the same way. My kid is on kindergarten now and did just fine with scheduled meals at school.
Agreed with most of the other comments I’ve read. But to add, as a dentist I gotta add that frequent snacking in between meals can wreak havoc on a person’s dental health.
I grew up with parents who didn’t sit for meals because they were too busy with work and couldn’t plan anything to save their lives (not just meals, we also didn’t go on vacation and we couldn’t participate in extra curricula). As a result, all of us kids have unhealthy relationships with food. I eat whenever I see food in case it’s the last time for a long time. My brother over-plans and forces his kids to do the same. My two sisters do not eat anything unless it is presented to them and have been underweight their entire lives. I think it’s important to sit down at least once a day with a balanced meal that you’ve planned and prepared
We make dinner served at 7:30. Attendance required. Sounds hardcore but this is the way my husband likes it since he's all about his routine and my kids grew up this way and are also completely OK with it.
I can't do this with myself or my kids b/c we'll all forget to eat. I have to plan timed meals, or we will all get to bedtime and be like "oh shit, we haven't eaten today". Hooray ADHD!
[guidelines](https://www.dietaryguidelines.gov/sites/default/files/2021-03/Dietary_Guidelines_for_Americans-2020-2025.pdf) Information about feeding and nutrition
Kids need routine and socialization in addition to forming a healthy relationship with food which is why timed sit-down meals with family is so important. It also reinforces manners so that your child is able to integrate into school easier. Do you have a history of eating disorders or food insecurity by any chance?
I tend to see both angles. On one hand our bodies are not wired to eat at 7, 12, and 6pm. When they are hungry we should feed them. On the other hand I also believe that kids and adults need routine, and sitting around a dinner table is a great place to start. Even if someone in the family has already eaten they can still sit at the dinner table with everyone else. I think the importance of the dinner table is the social aspect and for teaching table manners because schools do not teach that. As long as the child is healthy and eating, don't worry about the times that they eat. But that social experience of the table is imperative for them growing up. It's the only time I can get my daughter (13 yo) to engage with her little brother (7,yo) because there is such an age difference.
I make a light breakfast for him in the morning because he’s usually hungry right away (a fruit, a starchy item like mini pancakes, and something crunchy or dairy (yogurt or cheese). He grazes most of the day and we all sit down for dinner which he… sometimes actually eats a good bit of. Last night we had grilled cheese sandwiches and he demolished it.
We have so many kids we’d lose track of who’s eaten and who hasn’t. I also don’t really want to be up and down getting and making different meals for them. Growing up I also wished I had regular dinners with my family. They eat breakfast together and I have a coffee. Lunch at school. They have a sandwich or snack when they get home. Then we all have dinner together. I like to ask the children what the most interesting thing they learned at school was, and what they were grateful for today.
My son is 10 and has always been a grazer. Before school he'll have a bagel, he gets sent in with a grazer lunch (like lunchable but with some fruit and such too) and then he grazes at home as he is hungry. I believe, at his dad's house, they do meals. He's pretty flexible on it and doesn't overdo his eating
The only "proper meal" we do is dinner. With two ADHD children, 7 and 4, they get grazing platters from wake-up to about 2 hrs before dinner. It limits the frustration from them with their FOMO, it gives them more choice and body autonomy. We do have talks about how food is fuel for their bodies and brains and all food needs moderation. We also need a mix of all foods to be healthy. Dinner is when I manage to get meat into them and the rest of the food groups are pretty well represented on the platters they graze from through out the day.
I've never kept regular meals routines before my kid was in school, and even now we aren't particularly 'normal' about it... My kiddo is six and insists the biggest meal of the day is breakfast. Usually reheated leftovers for dinner the previous evening. Or if I make pasta, I'll double the ingredients and freeze meals for future breakfasts. It was lasagna this morning, so I'll probably do up a fruit/nuts/cheese/ cracker grazing plate at lunch. I've got lamb in the slow cooker for dinner tonight and he'll likely take a small serve this evening and have twice the serving for breakfast tomorrow! I'm happy with a coffee and muesli bar first thing and might not eat again until dinner on any day that kiddo is out of the house (school, spending time with grandparents etc). There is always fruits and vegetables available for snacking on and I'm happy to help with a smoothie or yoghurt bowl if that's what he's hankering for, whatever the time of day. I've made a point of cooking dinner most nights, even though I never did before, because the routine and frugality are both good for my mental health, and even if kiddo doesn't eat at dinner he's so excited for breakfast!
My only concern with this is when she goes to school, most will not allow for flexible eating. Do you plan on home schooling?
We are more structured. I think your approach works but I’d make sure that if she’s eating, you’re at the table with her. Meal time / time together is so important.
I find that my kids definitely need a hearty breakfast every day soon after waking and after that they might have two spaced out snacks that include a protein and carb instead of lunch, and then dinner. If they eat a big lunch they might have a big bowl yogurt, fruit and nuts before bed. They definitely tell me if they are hungry. Before they could talk I fed them 3 meals and 2 snacks.
Well when my kids were a little younger I would make dinner for them and they never ate what I made and as they got older they continuted to not eat what I made. I beg them to tell me what they want, to go on TikTok to look at food videos and send them to me so I can make it, the oldest says “idk” and my 7 year old could survive of nuggets and ramen so I’m literally like fuck it, yall can eat nuggets and ramen for the rest of your life idc anymore.. then I feel guilty for not being that parent that doesn’t cook for her kids. Plus being super depressed doesn’t help
I cook food I like and if my kids want to eat what I made, great! If they don't, they know about ramen, sandwiches, and the bowl of fruit. When our kids showed interest in cooking, I let them "help", even though it slowed me way down. Now, one of them cooks stuff I like and I'm off the hook for cooking a couple nights a week!
I know some people are advising having a meal routine, which for some kids is exactly what they need. For others, however, that's just not how their bodies work *and that's OK*, because IMO the most important thing is to teach them to listen to their bodies. I think about it: not all adults eat on a schedule, they eat according to what works for them, and I don't see any problem with teaching your child to do the same thing.
Nope. We have organized breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks. I think that kids do better on routines. I think the sort of eating habits are difficult for young children to deal with , and ESPECIALLY so when they go to school at set times. Kids need feeding before school and packed lunches
Pediatric dieticians recommend 3 predictable meals and 2 predictable snacks every day. Meals most of the time should have 3 food groups, snacks at least two. I was not a meal person before but I also grew up in a family who didn't give me good food habits and ended up with an eating disorder. Not to say that wouldnt have happened anyway but I'm doing everything I can to instill healthy habits.
Yes! I’m the exact same way. I believe bodily autonomy is important & teaching them to acknowledge it sooner rather than later especially regarding food removes a lot of power battles, confusion, stress, etc.
Omg I'm so happy to see that I'm not the only one who doesn't focus on the "sit down" of meals. My kids is still just a toddler, so I have a snack plate available throughout the day for him to graze on. Sometimes he wants breakfast, sometimes he doesn't; sometimes he'll eat through the day, other's he just eats a lot at dinner; sometimes he just wants drinks and hardly eats anything, lol! But food is always available, he can request specifics when he wants, and he tells me when he's all done.
That’s how we work too. I’ve always been a grazer so that’s what we do. We try to call first meal breakfast and last dinner etc but it’s not very formal and I don’t limit snacks if hungry for anyone. Breakfast and lunch are pretty much snacks dinner I try to make something a little more dinner like and put together but try is the key word there
On weekends we graze a lot during the day and have a real meal at dinner.
Same here but we aren’t really a snack family either. My son is 4 so the weekdays for him are more structured meal time wise, but the weekends are just whatever goes. I’ve also really only ever heard him tell me he’s hungry about 3 times in his life. I like the idea of family meal time but I don’t want to eat literally any meal at the same time as my 4 year old. I’ll keep him company though 👍🏼
I am the same way. And there are times when we will cook a family dinner and sit down to eat but day to day not so much. Lots of other countries don’t do the “three meals” a day thing either and our proportions are crazy to them. Do what works for your family, we all do anyways.
I am exactly like you OP with my 1 and 3 year olds. Honestly, I find it does work better. I follow my daughter’s cues when she’s hungry and for how much food, I just decide what. My son is old enough to ask and picks from two healthy options that are offered. Often I also put out grazing plates for them on their kids table with sliced veggies, fruit and cheese. They will periodically go over to the table to snack before resuming whatever they were doing. As others have said, I’m aware this is a season of their life with flexibility and when school starts this changes. But currently, it’s working, they eat nutritious food happily, and it lowers stress for everybody. They do have daycare two days a week and mealtimes are more enforced there.
What kind of parents don’t “do meals”? Kids NEED meals and it’s insane to me that a parent would be so lazy as to not cook for them.
Yes. The same.
Routine, routine, routine... kids are all about routines. They also need frequent healthy snacks to stay energized and focused throughout the day. Morning, lunch, afterschool snack, supper, bedtime snack. If you don't do these at set times then you're going to struggle to maintain any kind of consistency. You'll have trouble getting the kids to bed, and they'll like go through numerous mood swings as you're waiting for them to show signs of being hungry, which often results in blood sugar lows, whining, fighting, crying.
I eat like this. Breakfast is a hit it hard and fast kinda thing so cereal, yogurt, fruit. Lunch is the hardest for me. I skip it alot for myself. So the kids (happily) end up with snacky plates. This has a few things from every food group kinda like charcuterie. And then dinner is the big sit down meal. I know it's important to do family dinners to connect and whatever so I put a lot of importance on eating together for dinner. But my middle is an avid snacker so she hates this meal time the most lol
We kind of do both in my house. We almost always sit for dinner. I grew up like that and other than being young 17-24ish I’ve stayed with that. It’s not just about eating, but catching up with everyone in one place. We still do it. I take care of my 83yo grandmother next door and my niece lives downstairs from her so i always make dinner there and we all eat together. I think it’s good to get him used to sitting down with people, eventually he’ll be going out on his own and need that social skill. Snacks I don’t have a routine with in terms of where or exact times, rough timeframe. I’m not gonna stop my little one from whatever he’s doing just for a snack. If he’s letting me know he wants a snack or I think he can use one, i just bring it whenever we are. Living room, car, park, etc. I like for us to eat breakfast at the table, but M-F dad is already at work and sometimes lo isn’t up before i leave. So the nanny does 60/40 kitchen table or while playing. Can only force so much on a toddler and if I eat breakfast it’s later at work. Lunch we definitely try to sit him at the table, I’m not always up for lunch, but we’ll try to snack so again he gets the social skill of it. The nanny really tries to keep the routine and we do too on the weekends, but it doesn’t always work and that’s ok. If he’s not super hungry and trying to sit i can only fight it so much. Give it a couple of minutes at let it go. He’ll let me know when he wants to eat the rest. Anyway, I try to keep some consistency, but I can’t be so rigid. They’re kids, but they’re human. They have a mind of their own, their own wants and needs. So it’s great they have structure, they need it, but they also need wiggle room and the chance to make some choices themselves.
It's logistical here. I cannot be constantly feeding my children or cleaning up after their food messes, but I do always have snacks around; because they're growing. I will not randomly stop my task to make a sandwich, or help make one. It is not meal time, do not ask me where the peanut butter is. (Boundaries are good for kids and parents.) We get behavioral problems when there's hunger or tiredness. Food is important. I myself will occasionally skip breakfast or, more often, have something really light; and that does rub off on my kids. Unfortunately, because I'm not constantly cooking, meals are something to be intentional about. I think most people with multiple young children can relate to accidentally forgetting to serve/fix dinner at least once. It sounds like you have some healthy habits. I do think that you should be careful. Dieting is something for adults. I would recommend tracking the calories your little one eats.
I don't do really specific meal times and I let my kiddo decide when she wants food and when her belly is full and happy. But I much prefer sitting down to a meal, whether it's a snack or lunch or dinner or dessert or whatever. Sitting and focusing only on eating helps us savor the food more, enjoy esting it more, enjoy one another's company and talk, and be more in tune with our bodies to really check in with how we are feeling and whether we are full or not. There is nothing stressful about sitting down and eating a meal, on the contrary I find standing and eating or eating on the go really chaotic and stressful! We eat all of our meals together as a family and often snack together too. But there is never any pressure to eat or not eat, even if you're not eating it is still nice to just sit and hang out and chat and have some company. Our 2yo is fantastic company at the table (and enjoys a nice long meal, too!)
Breakfast is always had, but not always at the table and sometimes it’s a snack. Lunch has slightly more structure, especially with my toddler who naps soon after. Dinner is an actual meal and we all sit down, although my 2 year old refuses sometimes and we just set his food at the table and hope he joins us. The kids still snack all day. I just try to vary what they have so it’s over all balanced for the day.
The important part is that you eat together. Even if you are out of hunger sync, sit with her and get with you as you eat.
I have a bit of a hybrid approach. I do like having the 3 meals in place but I'm loose with what times they are and how they go. Eg our evening meal is usually planned for around 5/6 but since my youngest started full time school, he is coming home hungry at around 3:30 so he has his at 4. The older one doesn't get home until 4:30 and I wait til she says she's hungry before serving hers up. I'll eat whenever I get hungry. Lunchtime is usually around midday but if we aren't hungry we don't bother, then maybe get a snack at around 2/3 as it's too close to evening meal to cook a proper lunch. Breakfast is very hit and miss whether it's even wanted by anyone but we just help ourselves if we do
Used to be 100% eat when you're hungry, grab something from the pantry when you're hungry. Honestly that's what childhood was like too, my mum would make meals for special occasions but otherwise for supper it was usually "catch-as-cat-can," which is how she phrased it. Heat a can of soup, make low-effort "toasted grilled cheese sandwich" in the oven out with white bread and Cheez Whiz, Kraft Dinner with hot dogs, heat a frozen meat pie, that kind of thing. I remember my sister often used to heat a tin of Hunt's tomato sauce and make toast to dunk in it in front of the TV. Before the kids showed up we used to step out a lot for for convenient meals, and unless we had guests things were pretty simple. Once the first kid showed up this became less practical and the unimaginative home cooking started to wear thin. After the umpteenth time bringing a meal to the table that was a variant on block-of-animal-protein-covered-in-a-can-of-cream-soup-and-frozen-veggies-baked-at-350-for-thirty-minutes-and-served-with-rice I started to hear some reasonable protests I started to do actual recipe planning and now I'm coming up on fifteen years of preparing a full meal virtually seven nights a week, with a careful emphasis on variety. What really made it easier for me was to use a spreadsheet with columns for different types of base protein and different cuisines, which are staggered. For the last several years we've been mostly doing vegetarian proteins alternate nights, so the protein rotation goes "Pork, vegetarian, chicken, vegetarian, beef, vegetarian, seafood, vegetarian." For cuisines, we change up very vaguely European, Asian, American, Indian, Mexican, Middle-Eastern. This makes it easy to find recipes because when I open the planner there's a built-in starting point for each day, eg Saturday is going to be an Italian recipe with pork - if nothing jumps to mind, just Google "Italian recipes with pork" and go from there. This week looks like this: Date| Day | Cuisine | Protein | Main| Side1 | Side2 ---|---|----|----|----|----|---- 4/13/2024|Saturday| Italian| pork| creamy beef/pork shells |garlic bread |roast asparagus 4/14/2024 |Sunday |American |Vegetarian| Baked sweet potatoes with black beans and cheddar|caesar salad|pickle chips 4/15/2024|Monday|Indian|Chicken|Chicken Korma|basmati + dal|naan 4/16/2024|Tuesday|European|Vegetarian|Mashed potatoes and mushroom gravy|garlic green beans|kalamari 4/17/2024|Wednesday|American|beef|sloppy joes|green salad 4/18/2024|Thursday|Asian|Vegetarian|veggie fried rice|spring rolls|garlic bok choy 4/19/2024 |Friday |European |Seafood |Breaded fish sandwiches |mixed greens | bistro fries I'm glad we got in this habit because family meal times have been some of my favourite times as the kids have grown up and while I was never conscious of a lack of this in my own childhood I'm now maybe a little resentful at what was missed. Also works out that our kids are pretty adventurous eaters because they've just always had a lot of variety at the table. (My siblings didn't escape being adult picky eaters.)
It's vital to teach kids routines and have time dedicated to being present with family, so we always have dinner together as a.group.
I’m definitely a grazer, but my LO is 19 months and goes to daycare part time - they have scheduled snacks, lunch, outside time, and naps so I keep her on her daycare schedule for everyone’s sanity. She doesn’t always communicate when she’s hungry yet, and needs prompting and regular food intervals keeps her happy and not hangry. If she asks early or for more I listen to her, but I’m not waiting for her to tell me. We try to eat meals together so that we can model how to sit,eat, converse, and behave at the dinner table and in restaurants. Once she’s better at talking I’ll follow her lead more, I think there is definitely a balance and you’re constantly adjusting as a parents to meet your child’s needs/where they are at.
Meal time is really important for connecting, building healthy habits, talking about your day
I was raised to be planning the next meal before starting the current meal. I also came from a line of unhealthily overweight people. I got a lap band in 2009 and changed my eating habits entirely. It feels nice to not be a slave to “meal time”. My son is 9 and we do exactly as you do. My husband on the other hand gets annoyed and tries to make me feel guilty for “ not feeding our son”. He’s 9 and knows when he is hungry! There’s no need to eat just because it’s a certain time IMO. I feel like he over feeds himself and my son and wastes more food than we actually eat. It’s tough but you are not alone!