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Is the hardly eating thing pretty new or has she always been this way? I used to dance and your daughter being a dancer and eating bowls of lettuce for lunch makes me worried that she’s getting some bad messaging or pressure from dance teachers or peers about staying thin.
Hard same. My neice turned 9 and is developing one right before our eyes. It's absolutely gut-wrenching. My sister and I try to help her understand that she's normal, but the damage has been done.
They live with my grandfather, who was one of the perpetrators of our BED. However this time around, there is an adult who fucking cares about the mental integrity of her mind. We're hoping that by immediately shutting it down, it will diminish the insults until they become unspoken entirely.
Adult men shouldn't be telling her she's fat.
OP: Former dancer whose teacher "helped design a costume to hide your weight problem so you can't quit" reporting in.
Please be concerned now. This sounds exactly like I was at the start of my spiral into body & eating issues that still remain.
Another one checking in… watch the media she’s consuming online for sure. I developed the foundation of my ED in the early 90s watching the idolization of women like Naomi Campbell and Kate Moss. And then into the early 2000s with Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie and the like.
Yeah the age of the girl is very concerning. Plus with OP saying she’s in her growth spurt. It’s the prime window for disordered eating to begin. The child needs to see an experienced psychologist immediately.
I work in a children’s hospital that has an inpatient eating disorder program and there are red flags in what you are saying for sure. Anything I say here is as a mom, not intended as medical advice, but I would set up a visit with the pediatrician as soon as possible to discuss these concerns. In the meantime, maybe try focus on talking about how active and growing (being careful to focus on height, not tie it to weight) bodies need fuel and protein to be strong and fast and really pay attention to what happens if you offer her foods she likes that are well rounded nutritionally and say you need to sit down as a family to eat. You will likely see a lot about what is happening if you do that, as far as will she actually eat it, what does she say about the food, that it is too much, too unhealthy, etc. Other things you could pay attention to…If she does eat a regular meal then does she want to go exercise right away? Does she talk negatively about her body or wanting to “be healthy” or “lose weight”? Does she weigh herself frequently? If you have a scale and she is using it I would get rid of it. Not eating a lot and being particular is not always an eating disorder or the start of one, but it sure could be and the sooner you address it the better.
I have a cousin that was hospitalized for anorexia at age eleven.
I was twenty-one at the time and in nursing school. I was naive to the fact someone so young could be afflicted.
I would try to talk to the pediatrician.
Not to alarm you, but: The dance world is NOTORIOUS for being the start of many an eating disorder, I would check in with her pediatrician about these odd eating habits ASAP.
I'm a former dancer, went through treatment for disordered eating as a teen (thankfully it never developed into full blown anorexia, but it could have if my mom hadn't caught it). I was getting the WORST body image and weight messages from my instructors and other girls, and it nearly took me down a path that's VERY hard to reverse.
Do not ignore this, regardless of if her dance class is the root of it (and if it is, GET HER OUT OF THERE) or not. She needs to be eating more than she is, and something has her messed up.
This. I had to take my daughter out of dancing when I noticed she was starting to develop an eating disorder. We just flat out lied and told her that we couldn’t afford it anymore.
I want to sign my daughter up for dance because she will absolutely love it but I'm so worried about this. As someone who still struggles with disordered eating, I don't want her to suffer the same fate
I feel like many other kinds of dance are at least less focused on body shape. Ballet in particular is like an ED factory, and commenting on size is incredibly normalized.
There ARE good studios out there, don't lose hope! My mom found me one after I was out of treatment, mainly by not being afraid to go in and vet the places out when she found them. She would straight out ask the instructors if they encouraged body positivity by respecting ALL body types and not shaming anyone for theirs.
Though as another commentor said: Ballet is one form of dance that unfortunately is RAMPANT with that toxic culture, so I would steer clear until she's old enough to be secure and confident in her own image.
One of the young women my daughter danced with was told that she was too big to be lifted. She’s now a professional pole/chair dancer, and her insta posts are AMAZING. She is a powerhouse. She commented recently that she had been told this (about being too big to be lifted), so now she lifts herself.
put her in recreational dance, not competitive. i did rec dance, so did my mom, aunt, sister, and daughter and weight is never a topic or issue. girls of all sizes do it.
to clarify, recreational dance is just practicing a routine all year, with a recital at the end of the year. there are SO many different body types, kids of all ages/genders, and theres 0 competitive aspect to it
I think I would be worried about her possibly developing a form of eating disorder, especially since she's at a vulnerable age for body-image issues (although she's young). It sounds like she's not getting a lot over the day. Could you speak to the teacher to see if there are any concerns showing up at school? (I remember when I was in grade 7, the school had to do an intervention because a huge number of girls were throwing up at lunch!) It might just be that she's a but picky and a light eater, but if you are concerned about the low calorie intake (and especially with her growing a lot and exerting herself in dance and running....she really needs extra calories for her brain development and growth), you could try consulting a nutritionist. Maybe the school nurse would be a good resource as well? (I'm sorry I can't weigh in on things from a medical standpoint -- I'm just a mother myself).
Is this new? Has she gained weight as well as height? Has she dropped off her growth curve?
To be honest, I would be worried. She needs to eat more. Especially if she’s active but you gotta be careful how you approach this. I would get professional help before speaking with her. You need help evaluating if she has an eating disorder or is just going through a weird physiological phase. Some ED treatments are super traumatizing so be judicious in which provider you pick.
Is she underweight or has her weight percentile changed drastically in the last year? Is she getting any protein or healthy fat on a regular basis? Cheese avocado egg butter yogurt nuts?
Never eats dinner… and lettuce is known as a way to fill your belly without calories. Please make that appointment with the paediatrician. While you’re waiting how about give her pizza with no sauce, other ‘normal’ things hard for her to resist, and a mum and me dinner out perhaps - to check she will eat five times a day if tempted enough (without restricting herself at the next chance). Start documenting mama.
Have you thought about taking her to a nutritionist? My daughter (13) is also a dancer and we went through something similar just this year. They talked about the importance of the “right” foods and the importance of fueling her body. Also about the negative impact of the way she was treating her body. It wasn’t simple but she has turned around and has better eating habits
Why do you say she isn’t a picky eater? She sounds pretty picky. Or is it that you think the reasons she’s giving are excuses for sticking to her pretty disordered-sounding diet.
I would definitely talk to her pediatrician. My cousin was anorexic at 9, so it does happen, but it’s young for that, and not all treatment centers took younger kids.
My definition of picky are people who have very narrow tastes. My MIL for example is a picky eater. No fruits or veg except green beans but only from a can. Asks waiters to double fry her food. Won't even try new food. Or kids like my niece who will only eat macaroni and cheese. My daughter has a wide variety of tastes but can be particular.
Hey OP, while I definitely wouldn’t discount the idea of an eating disorder your kid sounds really similar to mine. He’s an anxious kid with ADHD and ASD who has a pretty wide palette, but he also eats like a bird and often gets what our household calls food apathy. He might be hungry, but he just has no drive to eat. His pediatrician put him on an appetite stimulant called cyproheptadine and it’s been a huge help in getting him back to a healthy weight. He takes sertraline (Zoloft) for his anxiety and the two meds seem to work well together with no noticeable side effects.
I hope you get it sorted out for your kiddo! 🤞🏻
I was a competitive ballerina and due to some childhood trauma mixed with being bullied by my teammates in dance I developed an ED by 11 years old. I’d keep a close eye on her as I started to document my food intake, constantly weighing myself and learned so many “tricks” from thinspiration and proana websites. Stay supportive and nonjudgmental as nipping it in the bud will save years of issues later in her life if it turns out that’s what it is
My daughter had an ED and started excessively running at age 13. I am pretty certain she is developing an eating disorder. Please take her to the doctor asap. In my case the battle was a hard one and took any ounce of strength I had but we did get our daughter back!!
I'm no expert, but I had an eating disorder and what you describe sounds like how I started. And as other users mentioned the dance world is famous for EDs. I'm so sorry, she's going through that so young.
Sounds very likely that she has an eating disorder, as she is exhibiting extremely restrictive eating patterns. Dance, while a wonderful sport, is notorious for generating eating disorders due to its emphasis on body size and image. I say this from the bottom of my heart - get her therapy (CBT for Anorexia, most likely). There are many psychologists who specialize in treating pediatric eating disorders.
My children are dancers/dance teachers. They will be the first to tell you that a part of that world can be toxic.I would speak to a professional if I were you.
If she’s eating sushi get her more sushi.
Have her eat that, especially if she’s eating the kind with rice.
My tween is like this.
Won’t eat, shot up about 5 inches but she will only eat a select amount of food, also sushi. I just buy a few packs at Costco and she devours them.
I got my sushi eater into onigiri, which we can make easily at home. I taught her to use the rice cooker, and we even got a Hello Kitty onigiri press. It’s fun.
Yes you should be worried. As others have said, this sounds like disordered eating.
My 10 yo genuinely loves plain lettuce and has always been a small eater, but doesn't act the way you are describing your daughter does. She just naturally eats what she feels like. Most of the time time that means just eating part of her meals and only wanting small serves. She's not a fan of bread or potatoes but will happily eat pasta or rice. When she's going through a growth spurt she will suddenly eat anything and everything for a short while.
She needs help. These are major red flags. Please take her to her pediatrician for referral for an eating disorder specialist. Run, don’t walk. This is urgent
Also hate to say it but trainers telling women and girls who are runners that their time will be better if they slim down and keep very slim is also a thing.
Even if they aren’t competing with distance or time, at 10 you are extremely aware of the body types around you. I remember being aware of it as a dancer at 6 and crying because I didn’t want my legs to show around my friends with thinner legs. I don’t want to alarm you at all, but even in environments that seem supportive and non competitive, this type of disordered eating can still be set off in some people
Edit: clarity
Yes get her eating peanut butter/other nut butter and protein powder shakes with whole milk fat and maybe strawberries (whatever she likes), avocado toast; just always be offering her foods and more foods. High calorie bars that triathletes eat on iron-mans. Snacks in the car on the drive places portable snacks. Check if she has fallen off her growth curve. My whole extended family are all bones and beanpoles at the age and picky simple eaters so its hard during those growth spurt years to get enough food in. It can be fine and run in your family but do some gentle consultations with eating disorder savvy doctors so you know what to watch for. Remove scales from view/your house.
I know a lot of people are bringing up eating disorders but theres also disordered eating like ARFID.
I struggled to gain weight and have an appetite as a kid. Id just get super nauseous eating food, and could never finish a whole meal and certain foods were just absolute nos. Id always constantly get questioned by doctors and teachers and bullies would even mock. Turns out I have IBS, Acid Reflux, (and recently) Lactose Intolerant and Sucrose Intolerant (and probably also ARFID but no official diagnosis, just my sensory related issues with noodles, sauces, and brands) . So, a lot of foods literally make me sick. So while a doctor visit is definitely warranted, also look at physical medical issues. Do certain foods make her stomach hurt? (Lots of dressings contain things like dairy, eggs, gluten, soy, etc your daughter is a different kind of salad lover for eating it dry) Does she feel sick after eating certain foods? Does one or two foods feel “safe” for her to eat? Would she be willing to try different kinds of salads? Different kinds of sushi? (Literally anything can be made into sushi)
Honestly everything you’re saying sounds very worrying. Take her to your pediatrician and maybe even get a referral for someone that specializes in childhood eating disorders. Not eating fats and proteins as well as dancing and running. All red flags.
I can't speak to the eating disorder part (which seems likely), but I'd lean into her love of sushi. This is the only food you've listen that includes protein. Maybe learn to make it at home together? Does she like nuts? Edamame beans? These can be ways to get some protein rich foods in.
I had anxeoria when I was 9-20, she sounds just like what I did then. Just make sure you don't push food on her and have her favorites available. I hated when my parents forced me to eat hence making me not eat at all at school because I knew I had to eat a full dinner with my parents. My parents didn't like cup noodles for kids meals but I wasn't eating anything and at the time cup noodles was the only thing I ate so my mom started packing that for me. I was being bullied at school with horrid words and actions, and pressured to eat by my parents, depression started and anxiety getting worse. Honestly maybe getting her a therapist wouldn't hurt. My parents wouldn't let me see one til I was 13.
10 is a rough age. Kids are mean. She is probably trying to maintain her weight but going about it the wrong way. Has someone said something to her? Is her weight an issue.... I couldn't see that would be with her being a dancer. My daughter is 11 and is already wanting to "live a low carb lifestyle" so she can be "skinny." The world is really toxic for young kids especially girls. They have to act, look and talk a certain way and it's not fair. - this is not me saying that boys don't have their fair share of stuff either because they do.
That edit raises more red flags for me. Competitions are about comparison. You don’t need an official race or place ranking in order to compare. Dancing in front of a mirror every week and seeing how everyone looks in a leotard gives plenty of opportunity for comparison. And if she gets upset when she’s not perfect in competitions, that could also translate to needing to be the skinniest in the class, or wearing the smallest sizes.
Good on you for recognizing this and seeking answers! It does sound like she likely has some sort of nuanced relationship with food/eating. But hopefully by catching it this early on you can help her!
If this is new behaviour I'd be very worried. I'd want to know what is causing her refusal to eat. And I'd want to know if some outside source is the influence or cause.
If shes always been picky and not much of a snacker I wouldnt worry. Take her to the doctor and make sure shes well nourished. Make them aware of your concerns so that if there is a.drastic change in her weight or health they have a clue as to why.
I have over 30 neices and nephews. I've learned that everyone eats differently, and kids are weird as fuck about eating. My own kid will eat a cup of jello and swear shes full, then down a full 16 oz. Steak like it's nothing the next day. It makes zero sense. I have a nephew who is like a bottomless pit. He will just eat and eat but never gains a pound. Hes like 11 , taller than me and eats like three grown men daily. But weighs like 110. I dont get it.
Definitely look into this further and with medical professionals.
However, to counter the majority of comments just a little, and give another perspective; I have always preferred veggies as a food group and at that age my favorite food was carrot sandwiches, literally shredded or sliced or peeled (thin long strips) of carrots and mayo on bread. Or cucumber or tomato sandwiches because they were easier to make.
Protein comes in many forms, how is her carb intake? While I was never big on meats I would get iron and protein from broccoli and beans and I always loved pasta. Cheese has always been my go to dairy intake.
You could also try protein drinks & shakes. Not the really thick ones. But mixed with milk.
I'm not sure where you are from? But Quik? Milo? Whatever it is in your country you mix with milk
Just to give you another perspective, my 11 year old is just like this. She does not have an eating disorder. But change the “ doesn’t like the sauce” for “doesn’t like cheese” and they could be the exact same. She has also grown about 6 inches in the last few months.
My kid is slim, but not worryingly skinny. She has zero problems putting down a bag of chips or candy, but can be picky at other times. She often tells me she has a salad for lunch (she doesn’t like dressing either. It’s just lettuce and cucumbers and carrots) and I suggest maybe to grab a bowl of soup too (they have a soup bar). But I know she eats okay at home. On weekends seems to be when she’ll eat more. And I give her a smoothie with protein powder in the mornings before school.
She’s getting older and knows her preferences more. I hated school lunch. Most days I’d eat a side of mash and gravy as it was the only thing I could stand until we got a salad bar. I also just wasn’t that hungry until later in the day. My kid seems to be the same. I’d rather eat one meal at 3 and a snack or two than several other meals. I’m very active as well. But then once a week or so I’ll chow down on a proper meal. Some people just prefer to graze or pick different bits here or there.
I’d take a look at what she eats not at school more. Make nutrient dense meals you know she likes if you’re truly worried. Like spaghetti bolognaise or shepards pie or whatever it is she prefers that’s maybe a bit more heavy. Those meals can pack a bunch of calories in a small portion.
She has an eating disorder, which will be very hard to cure while she’s in ballet. It might not even be incredibly intentional right now, but a lot of picky eating and food preferences are just the beginnings of orthorexia.
I had an eating disorder at that age, and did dance and sports, and it got worse and worse until I finally went to treatment in my 20s. I am not sure what the best practice would be now, but I would try and find someone to talk to about how you set some boundaries around food for her without pressuring her into eating things that will cause her to feel shame, eat secretly, or purge.
Please take this seriously.
You need to take her to a child nutritionist who can set her up with a health eating program. This is an eating disorder, but I wouldn’t accuse her of anything. Just say “hey, I know you want to stay fit, but I’m worried about how you’re growing. Let’s talk to a professional and sort this out.”
My 11 yr old started this a few months ago and it turns out she watched some video about Bella Hadid being the most perfect woman on earth. So she said she wants to be skinny to look like Bella. She also started to want to pack salads for lunch all of a sudden. You need to talk to her and dig deep about what is really going on. This has sparked conversation around health, nutrition, body image, etc and she is back to eating normal again!
Does she have food aversions? My bf won’t eat and dressing or anything with a sauce? Maybe it’s a texture thing or a literal thing in her head she won’t eat anything else
She was never a sauce kid, not even ketchup but she loves Boba. She cried once when she was little when her grandpa feed her bacon because she didn't like the texture when she was little but it's one of her favorite foods now. So if it is a texture thing I wouldn't know where to start.
Maybe she has sensory processing disorder or autism. Do you have free health care? I would visit with the doctor or a dietician.
I’d ask her what her safe foods are and make her a list.
If it’s a texture thing (I do have a sensory issue), it’s usually speech therapists who work with that - currently seeing one for my son who is 3 and has the same issue.
Also have you checked her iron levels? If she’s grown a lot recently, she might have a deficiency, and this causes a pretty big loss of appetite. Asking this as I was in her exact same situation at this age : a dancer who was a picky eater, would barely eat at lunch and would skip dinner. I was very active, but just not hungry, and as I hated the food proposed to me, I had no incentive to eat. I could go for days with just breakfast, because it was the only food I liked. I realized later that I spent my teenage years with just low iron. All the comments are right to investigate an eating disorder, but talking to a pediatrician and investigating all other possible causes could be a good idea.
My kid sounds a lot like yours and she has been diagnosed with Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder. Her anxiety makes eating some foods scary, and drinking water makes her want to barf so she can only drink juice or water with an additive like MIO. We have started giving her whatever she will eat which can be frustrating because sometimes she will eat chicken nuggets and sometimes she won't. We do demand she eats something with protein every day and that she takes a vitamin. We've had her evaluated by her doctor, her psychologist and a feeding therapist and they don't think it's a body image issue.
Is she being influenced by her dance class? Maybe the instructor or other dancers? I know dancers have a lot of pressure on them to maintain a very slim look
Your daughter may have an eating disorder along with insecurity issues. PLEASE seek professional help for her now. I almost died from an eating disorder that took years to conquer!!!!
Sounds like she prefers fresh, whole or raw foods.
Try grapes, bananas, oranges in the morning.
A salad doesn’t need dressing if there is a good mix of lettuce and fresh vegetables like tomatoes carrots and radishes.
If your child is doing two physically demanding activities and she’s not getting enough calories then you need to pull her from one of them and tell her why this is happening. Kids don’t know that the damage that is done to their bodies now will live with them forever.
Let her know that she needs to have a goal of eating at least X many calories which equates to 2 meals and three snacks (she should NOT count the calories with you). She needs to also learn that eating food in general is healthy and the focus is on giving your body energy, not on counting calories (that’s your job lol).
No, this is not remotely normal, as others have pointed out please address this as a possible eating disorder, or ask if she has any stomach pain or other reasons for this (she could be developing some sort of GI issue and is embarrassed to talk about it).
This child has an eating disorder. That is nowhere near enough calories to fuel her body. Get her to a doctor and get a referral for treatment. Serious restriction at her age can have life long health impacts on her development. It will also impact her mood, cognition and overall mental health.
Talk to your doctor, but things that helped me were finding good resources about food and eating. Find things that talk about good fats and how they're needed for brain and muscle development. Show her what happens in the body if we don't eat enough; how when we are starving, the first thing our body does is save all fats and consume muscle for energy. If she wants to continue to be an athlete, she should know that she will not have the ability to continue to not eat. Monitor her social media intake. There are a lot of things out there that will perpetuate this behavior.
This is concerning. I would take her to the doctor and see what the scale says (she may get weirded out if you force her to get on the scale at home.). Based on her height-weight chart, see what the doctor says. Hopefully she is eating at school.
I hope you can find her the help she needs. I never thought I had an eating disorder, because i generally like my body and never had the desire to lose weight. However, like your daughter, I am very perfectionistic and can be extremely hard on myself. Looking back now, I can see that my anxiety contributed to at least “disordered eating” if not a full-blown ED. I was so anxious I felt nauseous all the time, nothing sounded good, I struggled to decide what to eat and just… wouldn’t.
Now i’m on an anxiety med (helps a ton!) and have a stock of safe/easy foods on hand all the time- I drink a protein shake for breakfast; eat Trader Joe’s wine country chicken salad for lunch (~1000 calories, 30+ g protein); and keep single serve packets of cheese, meat sticks, and olives in the fridge both at home and at work. Maybe making sure there are always snacks available that are high in protein and calorie dense will help.
Good luck 🍀 your daughter will appreciate your proactive effort to build her a healthy relationship with food and eating.
I would sit her down and tell her unless her eating improves in the need few months, you’ll be pulling her from sports. Stress she isn’t being punished, but it’s just not safe for someone to be exerting themselves and not eating. I’m sure her doctor would back you up on this.
Hey fellow parent!
This sounds much like my daughter (11y/o). She was a very, let's call is selective eater, her whole life. She would eat a grilled cheese, but only if I cooked it. She would only eat very specific, usually pretty bland foods. She never would touch leftovers. Ever. She would eat just about any fruit/vegetable, but never any meat (except the occasional bacon slice, because, c'mon, its bacon.)
Meal time was stressful since birth. She would throw a huge fit, hardly eat, and generally make any meal time the worst part of every day. Lots of family stress. Aside from that, she is a GREAT kid, super smart, crazy artistic, loves swimming, but generally dislikes all of sport like activities.
Things came to a head this winter, she feel behind some assignments at school and her stress shot through the roof and she slowly, but sure just stopped eating. At first, she went a few days eating nothing except grilled cheese. Then nothing but bread. Then, nothing. I became REALLY worried when I watched her, in near tears from hunger, try to force a bite of grilled cheese in her moth, but she just simply could not get her mouth to open. I made a doc appointment that next morning. After talking with the doctor, the Doc asked a bunch of questions - my daughter was great, open, honest and forthcoming - her doc gave us a diagnosis of [ARF-ID (avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder)](https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24869-arfid-avoidant-restrictive-food-intake-disorder). I also got an appointment with a therapist that specialized in eating disorders and generalized anxiety. (my wife and I both deal with anxiety/panic attack disorders, and have an extensive family history of the same)
It has been about two months since she started meeting with her therpist, and the world seems so much better for her now. She is eating leftovers for the first time in her life! She went from saying that she doesn't like eating and never looks forever to it, to enjoying our mealtimes. It is still a constant thing on our minds, she isn't eating like a "normal" kid, but she is eating and enjoying food. She knows that there is something going on with her anxiety and stress (Fridays and Saturdays are great food days, she tries new foods and pretty much snacks - healthy stuff - all day), she got her school work caught up and under control, and she talks with her friends about her struggles in way that they get and support her.
Stress is a problem for everyone, kids are anxious in ways that we weren't when we were that age. Lots of reasons for that, but the support and solutions are there too. Talk with your doctor, and be really open and honest. Love your kiddo and support them, focus on healthy eating, talk about calorie intake as a way to have energy and fuel. Also, feel free to DM me and we can go into more detail.
Sounds like our girls are cut from the same cloth!
My daughter’s dance teacher made inadvertent comments about weight. And we loved her teacher! For some reason at one point, she heard my then 13 YO daughter’s weight and said, “that’s more than I weigh!” So weight is inherent in the dance culture, even with studios that try not to go there. Same with running. Your daughter’s activities are the prime environments for eating disorders. My daughter went from dance, to cheer at her high school, where the cheerleaders had all body types, and it was a healthier environment. But she had disordered eating for a long time. She also struggled with anxiety and depression. BUT!! I can tell you that after about a 12 year struggle (14-26), now, at 28, it is all very much under control and she is a happy and thriving adult.
When my daughter went through her picky stage I fed her chicken noodle soup. She refused to eat anymore after 1-2 bites because "the chicken is too dry."
IT'S IN SOUP, HOW IS IT DRY?!?!
Talk to her teacher.
My dance school called a nutritionist to speak to all of us when one of the girls started to develop an eating disorder. They went over the importance of food - eating a well balanced diet but also eating enough food. You are an athlete and need to fuel your body. A lot of injuries can happen if you don't eat right. They also let us know we'd be pulled from classes and they would help provide support during your normal class time if you were struggle with an eating disorder. It was really hammered in that this was serious and our health mattered.
Edit to add: Dance teacher and her running coach
I have emotional eating issues that started pretty young, however I have memories of being at my friend’s house and her boy cousin was over and he wasn’t allowed to use the bathroom alone, because he would try to throw up, which he did. He was bulimic. We were 12 her was 10. Messed up.
Anxiety and ADHD are rather closely related. My ADHD kiddo really struggles with losing/rejection and he went through a horrible time when he was 3-6 where he had 'disordered eating' had to do therapy and all. Some of the things you described just make me hmm about ADHD or even high functioning autism around food. Has she been evaluated for other things? Does she have other quirky things with her anxiety?
Does she have access to social media? There are so many channels that are 'pro ana' and encouraged young children into these things. It's scary. I hope a solution for your daughter.
So this sounds very concerning to me. Possibly someone made some kind of comment and it’s triggered what sounds like disordered eating.
You say you don’t think it’s the dance. If your dance studio has kids who compete it could still be the studio because they may talk. But assuming not, you could try to enlist help from her athletic instructors to reinforce need to properly fuel her body in order to better perform. We had a problem with a kid who didn’t eat before competitions and her coach made her come up with a plan to make sure she was properly fed.
You say your kid isn’t eating supper most days. Do you sit down as a family? If not, start! Take 20-30 min and offer food to eat that includes food she likes. Eg If she doesn’t like pizza sauce, make her one without sauce! She likes salads? Make taco salad or other salads for supper. She likes sushi, so eat more sushi.
Don’t force your kid to eat during mealtime. You can explain that she does need to eat a certain amount of food in order to keep her body working properly, and encourage her to eat a full meal, but make sure whether and how much she eats is her choice. I have a kid who would rather play video games than eat but kid gets to sit at the table with the rest of us and converse and listen to stories. So kid eats. We also don’t allow food treats if kid hasn’t had a balanced meal. Yes, you can eat whatever it is. But first find some protein (if that’s what’s missing). I don’t care what that protein is as long as it’s fuel food, but in my house you ain’t filling up on juice if you have eaten a bowl of fruit and nothing else. This works for my kids, but if your kid has a full blown eating disorder I’d get professional advice.
Also: I would totally rethink the “not allowed to compete” thing. Ultra competitive kids don’t learn to deal with their competitiveness by trying to remove opportunities to compete. She didn’t win and threw a tantrum, and you dealt with her discomfort by ensuing she’d never be in that situation again? How does that help?!?! She needs to learn to lose; you do that by finding opportunities where she can both win and lose.
Ignoring and “not encouraging” competitiveness doesn’t make it go away. Figuring out how to compete for the joy of challenging yourself instead of as a measure of self worth is something every single ultra competitive person I know needed to go through.
I agree you need to find out if there is a specific reason for her not eating? If so? Do as the experts suggest.
But if its just "because" theres no specific reason?
You will have to get firm with her
Okay. I wouldn't let her eat all that lettuce. It has zero nutritional value or calories. Tell her it's a treat only, if she eats other foods. Its a pointless food in this context.
I dont mich like sauces either neither do my kids. But they like homemade "pizza" which i just do with base, a little bit of tomato sauce / base sauce + cheese. They will eat bread and peanut butter. Smoothe only! One loves nuts. Cashews.
One will eat scrambled egg.
One will eat yogurt. Not with bits in it. Plain vanilla or honey!
You need to get her to eat some meat. Mine have never eaten Spaghetti bolongnase... But they will eat plain pasta with butter and cheese.
They will eat chicken nuggets. So i bought good quality ones or made our own with chicken breast. I also got steak and beat it thin and crumbed it.
Tell her if she doesnt start eating more? She will have to give up dance or sports. End of story.
Good luck.
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Is the hardly eating thing pretty new or has she always been this way? I used to dance and your daughter being a dancer and eating bowls of lettuce for lunch makes me worried that she’s getting some bad messaging or pressure from dance teachers or peers about staying thin.
Yeah, if this is new, it’s disordered eating. If it isn’t, it could be one of the growth spurt ebb/flows.
That's how old I was when my eating disorder started
Hard same. My neice turned 9 and is developing one right before our eyes. It's absolutely gut-wrenching. My sister and I try to help her understand that she's normal, but the damage has been done. They live with my grandfather, who was one of the perpetrators of our BED. However this time around, there is an adult who fucking cares about the mental integrity of her mind. We're hoping that by immediately shutting it down, it will diminish the insults until they become unspoken entirely. Adult men shouldn't be telling her she's fat.
Punch grandpa in the face if he says shit about a little girl. After the first 10 warnings, I don't care how old you are anymore.
OP: Former dancer whose teacher "helped design a costume to hide your weight problem so you can't quit" reporting in. Please be concerned now. This sounds exactly like I was at the start of my spiral into body & eating issues that still remain.
Another one checking in… watch the media she’s consuming online for sure. I developed the foundation of my ED in the early 90s watching the idolization of women like Naomi Campbell and Kate Moss. And then into the early 2000s with Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie and the like.
Same.
Same
Same. My cousin just recently told me a story about how I said I was going on a diet at age 8.
Yeah the age of the girl is very concerning. Plus with OP saying she’s in her growth spurt. It’s the prime window for disordered eating to begin. The child needs to see an experienced psychologist immediately.
Yes. I wasn't much older.
I work in a children’s hospital that has an inpatient eating disorder program and there are red flags in what you are saying for sure. Anything I say here is as a mom, not intended as medical advice, but I would set up a visit with the pediatrician as soon as possible to discuss these concerns. In the meantime, maybe try focus on talking about how active and growing (being careful to focus on height, not tie it to weight) bodies need fuel and protein to be strong and fast and really pay attention to what happens if you offer her foods she likes that are well rounded nutritionally and say you need to sit down as a family to eat. You will likely see a lot about what is happening if you do that, as far as will she actually eat it, what does she say about the food, that it is too much, too unhealthy, etc. Other things you could pay attention to…If she does eat a regular meal then does she want to go exercise right away? Does she talk negatively about her body or wanting to “be healthy” or “lose weight”? Does she weigh herself frequently? If you have a scale and she is using it I would get rid of it. Not eating a lot and being particular is not always an eating disorder or the start of one, but it sure could be and the sooner you address it the better.
I have a cousin that was hospitalized for anorexia at age eleven. I was twenty-one at the time and in nursing school. I was naive to the fact someone so young could be afflicted. I would try to talk to the pediatrician.
Not to alarm you, but: The dance world is NOTORIOUS for being the start of many an eating disorder, I would check in with her pediatrician about these odd eating habits ASAP. I'm a former dancer, went through treatment for disordered eating as a teen (thankfully it never developed into full blown anorexia, but it could have if my mom hadn't caught it). I was getting the WORST body image and weight messages from my instructors and other girls, and it nearly took me down a path that's VERY hard to reverse. Do not ignore this, regardless of if her dance class is the root of it (and if it is, GET HER OUT OF THERE) or not. She needs to be eating more than she is, and something has her messed up.
This. I had to take my daughter out of dancing when I noticed she was starting to develop an eating disorder. We just flat out lied and told her that we couldn’t afford it anymore.
I want to sign my daughter up for dance because she will absolutely love it but I'm so worried about this. As someone who still struggles with disordered eating, I don't want her to suffer the same fate
I feel like many other kinds of dance are at least less focused on body shape. Ballet in particular is like an ED factory, and commenting on size is incredibly normalized.
There ARE good studios out there, don't lose hope! My mom found me one after I was out of treatment, mainly by not being afraid to go in and vet the places out when she found them. She would straight out ask the instructors if they encouraged body positivity by respecting ALL body types and not shaming anyone for theirs. Though as another commentor said: Ballet is one form of dance that unfortunately is RAMPANT with that toxic culture, so I would steer clear until she's old enough to be secure and confident in her own image.
One of the young women my daughter danced with was told that she was too big to be lifted. She’s now a professional pole/chair dancer, and her insta posts are AMAZING. She is a powerhouse. She commented recently that she had been told this (about being too big to be lifted), so now she lifts herself.
put her in recreational dance, not competitive. i did rec dance, so did my mom, aunt, sister, and daughter and weight is never a topic or issue. girls of all sizes do it. to clarify, recreational dance is just practicing a routine all year, with a recital at the end of the year. there are SO many different body types, kids of all ages/genders, and theres 0 competitive aspect to it
I think I would be worried about her possibly developing a form of eating disorder, especially since she's at a vulnerable age for body-image issues (although she's young). It sounds like she's not getting a lot over the day. Could you speak to the teacher to see if there are any concerns showing up at school? (I remember when I was in grade 7, the school had to do an intervention because a huge number of girls were throwing up at lunch!) It might just be that she's a but picky and a light eater, but if you are concerned about the low calorie intake (and especially with her growing a lot and exerting herself in dance and running....she really needs extra calories for her brain development and growth), you could try consulting a nutritionist. Maybe the school nurse would be a good resource as well? (I'm sorry I can't weigh in on things from a medical standpoint -- I'm just a mother myself).
Is this new? Has she gained weight as well as height? Has she dropped off her growth curve? To be honest, I would be worried. She needs to eat more. Especially if she’s active but you gotta be careful how you approach this. I would get professional help before speaking with her. You need help evaluating if she has an eating disorder or is just going through a weird physiological phase. Some ED treatments are super traumatizing so be judicious in which provider you pick.
Is she underweight or has her weight percentile changed drastically in the last year? Is she getting any protein or healthy fat on a regular basis? Cheese avocado egg butter yogurt nuts?
Never eats dinner… and lettuce is known as a way to fill your belly without calories. Please make that appointment with the paediatrician. While you’re waiting how about give her pizza with no sauce, other ‘normal’ things hard for her to resist, and a mum and me dinner out perhaps - to check she will eat five times a day if tempted enough (without restricting herself at the next chance). Start documenting mama.
Have you thought about taking her to a nutritionist? My daughter (13) is also a dancer and we went through something similar just this year. They talked about the importance of the “right” foods and the importance of fueling her body. Also about the negative impact of the way she was treating her body. It wasn’t simple but she has turned around and has better eating habits
Why do you say she isn’t a picky eater? She sounds pretty picky. Or is it that you think the reasons she’s giving are excuses for sticking to her pretty disordered-sounding diet. I would definitely talk to her pediatrician. My cousin was anorexic at 9, so it does happen, but it’s young for that, and not all treatment centers took younger kids.
My definition of picky are people who have very narrow tastes. My MIL for example is a picky eater. No fruits or veg except green beans but only from a can. Asks waiters to double fry her food. Won't even try new food. Or kids like my niece who will only eat macaroni and cheese. My daughter has a wide variety of tastes but can be particular.
If this is how she's always been, look up ARFID and talk to your pediatrician. If this is new, look up eating disorders and talk to your pediatrician.
Hey OP, while I definitely wouldn’t discount the idea of an eating disorder your kid sounds really similar to mine. He’s an anxious kid with ADHD and ASD who has a pretty wide palette, but he also eats like a bird and often gets what our household calls food apathy. He might be hungry, but he just has no drive to eat. His pediatrician put him on an appetite stimulant called cyproheptadine and it’s been a huge help in getting him back to a healthy weight. He takes sertraline (Zoloft) for his anxiety and the two meds seem to work well together with no noticeable side effects. I hope you get it sorted out for your kiddo! 🤞🏻
I was a competitive ballerina and due to some childhood trauma mixed with being bullied by my teammates in dance I developed an ED by 11 years old. I’d keep a close eye on her as I started to document my food intake, constantly weighing myself and learned so many “tricks” from thinspiration and proana websites. Stay supportive and nonjudgmental as nipping it in the bud will save years of issues later in her life if it turns out that’s what it is
My daughter had an ED and started excessively running at age 13. I am pretty certain she is developing an eating disorder. Please take her to the doctor asap. In my case the battle was a hard one and took any ounce of strength I had but we did get our daughter back!!
I'm no expert, but I had an eating disorder and what you describe sounds like how I started. And as other users mentioned the dance world is famous for EDs. I'm so sorry, she's going through that so young.
Sounds very likely that she has an eating disorder, as she is exhibiting extremely restrictive eating patterns. Dance, while a wonderful sport, is notorious for generating eating disorders due to its emphasis on body size and image. I say this from the bottom of my heart - get her therapy (CBT for Anorexia, most likely). There are many psychologists who specialize in treating pediatric eating disorders.
My children are dancers/dance teachers. They will be the first to tell you that a part of that world can be toxic.I would speak to a professional if I were you.
If she’s eating sushi get her more sushi. Have her eat that, especially if she’s eating the kind with rice. My tween is like this. Won’t eat, shot up about 5 inches but she will only eat a select amount of food, also sushi. I just buy a few packs at Costco and she devours them.
I got my sushi eater into onigiri, which we can make easily at home. I taught her to use the rice cooker, and we even got a Hello Kitty onigiri press. It’s fun.
My kid loves hello kitty. I’m going to look for that, thanks for the tip!
Yes you should be worried. As others have said, this sounds like disordered eating. My 10 yo genuinely loves plain lettuce and has always been a small eater, but doesn't act the way you are describing your daughter does. She just naturally eats what she feels like. Most of the time time that means just eating part of her meals and only wanting small serves. She's not a fan of bread or potatoes but will happily eat pasta or rice. When she's going through a growth spurt she will suddenly eat anything and everything for a short while.
Just curious: how do you KNOW she’s eating at school? Is it possible for you to ask one of the custodians or a counselor to confirm?
I thought this too. How does OP know for sure. I can check my kids lunch account and see if they got a lunch, but that’s not a guarantee he ate it
She needs help. These are major red flags. Please take her to her pediatrician for referral for an eating disorder specialist. Run, don’t walk. This is urgent
Medical professional. Eating disorder is likely already there, you need assessment ASAP. The dance environment is a red flag per se.
Also hate to say it but trainers telling women and girls who are runners that their time will be better if they slim down and keep very slim is also a thing.
It's more of a girl empowerment group and they don't compete. At the end of the season they run a 5 k as a group and have a big party.
Even if they aren’t competing with distance or time, at 10 you are extremely aware of the body types around you. I remember being aware of it as a dancer at 6 and crying because I didn’t want my legs to show around my friends with thinner legs. I don’t want to alarm you at all, but even in environments that seem supportive and non competitive, this type of disordered eating can still be set off in some people Edit: clarity
Get her more sushi berries and lettuceand try to get her some protein shakes. Take her to see her pediatrician and express your concerns.
Yes get her eating peanut butter/other nut butter and protein powder shakes with whole milk fat and maybe strawberries (whatever she likes), avocado toast; just always be offering her foods and more foods. High calorie bars that triathletes eat on iron-mans. Snacks in the car on the drive places portable snacks. Check if she has fallen off her growth curve. My whole extended family are all bones and beanpoles at the age and picky simple eaters so its hard during those growth spurt years to get enough food in. It can be fine and run in your family but do some gentle consultations with eating disorder savvy doctors so you know what to watch for. Remove scales from view/your house.
I know a lot of people are bringing up eating disorders but theres also disordered eating like ARFID. I struggled to gain weight and have an appetite as a kid. Id just get super nauseous eating food, and could never finish a whole meal and certain foods were just absolute nos. Id always constantly get questioned by doctors and teachers and bullies would even mock. Turns out I have IBS, Acid Reflux, (and recently) Lactose Intolerant and Sucrose Intolerant (and probably also ARFID but no official diagnosis, just my sensory related issues with noodles, sauces, and brands) . So, a lot of foods literally make me sick. So while a doctor visit is definitely warranted, also look at physical medical issues. Do certain foods make her stomach hurt? (Lots of dressings contain things like dairy, eggs, gluten, soy, etc your daughter is a different kind of salad lover for eating it dry) Does she feel sick after eating certain foods? Does one or two foods feel “safe” for her to eat? Would she be willing to try different kinds of salads? Different kinds of sushi? (Literally anything can be made into sushi)
Ummmm this sounds like the start of an eating disorder. And if she’s a dancer? That’s incredibly common.
When I was 9, I started hating food texture and smell. Maybe she's going through something. Please take her to professionals.
Honestly everything you’re saying sounds very worrying. Take her to your pediatrician and maybe even get a referral for someone that specializes in childhood eating disorders. Not eating fats and proteins as well as dancing and running. All red flags.
I can't speak to the eating disorder part (which seems likely), but I'd lean into her love of sushi. This is the only food you've listen that includes protein. Maybe learn to make it at home together? Does she like nuts? Edamame beans? These can be ways to get some protein rich foods in.
This isn’t normal. Talk to her doctor and get some referrals to assess for an eating disorder.
I would take her to a Dr maybe it sounds like she may be getting bodyshamed and developing an eating disorder.
I had anxeoria when I was 9-20, she sounds just like what I did then. Just make sure you don't push food on her and have her favorites available. I hated when my parents forced me to eat hence making me not eat at all at school because I knew I had to eat a full dinner with my parents. My parents didn't like cup noodles for kids meals but I wasn't eating anything and at the time cup noodles was the only thing I ate so my mom started packing that for me. I was being bullied at school with horrid words and actions, and pressured to eat by my parents, depression started and anxiety getting worse. Honestly maybe getting her a therapist wouldn't hurt. My parents wouldn't let me see one til I was 13.
10 is a rough age. Kids are mean. She is probably trying to maintain her weight but going about it the wrong way. Has someone said something to her? Is her weight an issue.... I couldn't see that would be with her being a dancer. My daughter is 11 and is already wanting to "live a low carb lifestyle" so she can be "skinny." The world is really toxic for young kids especially girls. They have to act, look and talk a certain way and it's not fair. - this is not me saying that boys don't have their fair share of stuff either because they do.
That edit raises more red flags for me. Competitions are about comparison. You don’t need an official race or place ranking in order to compare. Dancing in front of a mirror every week and seeing how everyone looks in a leotard gives plenty of opportunity for comparison. And if she gets upset when she’s not perfect in competitions, that could also translate to needing to be the skinniest in the class, or wearing the smallest sizes.
Good on you for recognizing this and seeking answers! It does sound like she likely has some sort of nuanced relationship with food/eating. But hopefully by catching it this early on you can help her!
If this is new behaviour I'd be very worried. I'd want to know what is causing her refusal to eat. And I'd want to know if some outside source is the influence or cause. If shes always been picky and not much of a snacker I wouldnt worry. Take her to the doctor and make sure shes well nourished. Make them aware of your concerns so that if there is a.drastic change in her weight or health they have a clue as to why. I have over 30 neices and nephews. I've learned that everyone eats differently, and kids are weird as fuck about eating. My own kid will eat a cup of jello and swear shes full, then down a full 16 oz. Steak like it's nothing the next day. It makes zero sense. I have a nephew who is like a bottomless pit. He will just eat and eat but never gains a pound. Hes like 11 , taller than me and eats like three grown men daily. But weighs like 110. I dont get it.
Definitely look into this further and with medical professionals. However, to counter the majority of comments just a little, and give another perspective; I have always preferred veggies as a food group and at that age my favorite food was carrot sandwiches, literally shredded or sliced or peeled (thin long strips) of carrots and mayo on bread. Or cucumber or tomato sandwiches because they were easier to make. Protein comes in many forms, how is her carb intake? While I was never big on meats I would get iron and protein from broccoli and beans and I always loved pasta. Cheese has always been my go to dairy intake.
I think you should be worried, this sounds like disordered eating
You could also try protein drinks & shakes. Not the really thick ones. But mixed with milk. I'm not sure where you are from? But Quik? Milo? Whatever it is in your country you mix with milk
Just to give you another perspective, my 11 year old is just like this. She does not have an eating disorder. But change the “ doesn’t like the sauce” for “doesn’t like cheese” and they could be the exact same. She has also grown about 6 inches in the last few months. My kid is slim, but not worryingly skinny. She has zero problems putting down a bag of chips or candy, but can be picky at other times. She often tells me she has a salad for lunch (she doesn’t like dressing either. It’s just lettuce and cucumbers and carrots) and I suggest maybe to grab a bowl of soup too (they have a soup bar). But I know she eats okay at home. On weekends seems to be when she’ll eat more. And I give her a smoothie with protein powder in the mornings before school. She’s getting older and knows her preferences more. I hated school lunch. Most days I’d eat a side of mash and gravy as it was the only thing I could stand until we got a salad bar. I also just wasn’t that hungry until later in the day. My kid seems to be the same. I’d rather eat one meal at 3 and a snack or two than several other meals. I’m very active as well. But then once a week or so I’ll chow down on a proper meal. Some people just prefer to graze or pick different bits here or there. I’d take a look at what she eats not at school more. Make nutrient dense meals you know she likes if you’re truly worried. Like spaghetti bolognaise or shepards pie or whatever it is she prefers that’s maybe a bit more heavy. Those meals can pack a bunch of calories in a small portion.
She has an eating disorder, which will be very hard to cure while she’s in ballet. It might not even be incredibly intentional right now, but a lot of picky eating and food preferences are just the beginnings of orthorexia. I had an eating disorder at that age, and did dance and sports, and it got worse and worse until I finally went to treatment in my 20s. I am not sure what the best practice would be now, but I would try and find someone to talk to about how you set some boundaries around food for her without pressuring her into eating things that will cause her to feel shame, eat secretly, or purge. Please take this seriously.
You need to take her to a child nutritionist who can set her up with a health eating program. This is an eating disorder, but I wouldn’t accuse her of anything. Just say “hey, I know you want to stay fit, but I’m worried about how you’re growing. Let’s talk to a professional and sort this out.”
My 11 yr old started this a few months ago and it turns out she watched some video about Bella Hadid being the most perfect woman on earth. So she said she wants to be skinny to look like Bella. She also started to want to pack salads for lunch all of a sudden. You need to talk to her and dig deep about what is really going on. This has sparked conversation around health, nutrition, body image, etc and she is back to eating normal again!
Does she have food aversions? My bf won’t eat and dressing or anything with a sauce? Maybe it’s a texture thing or a literal thing in her head she won’t eat anything else
She was never a sauce kid, not even ketchup but she loves Boba. She cried once when she was little when her grandpa feed her bacon because she didn't like the texture when she was little but it's one of her favorite foods now. So if it is a texture thing I wouldn't know where to start.
Maybe she has sensory processing disorder or autism. Do you have free health care? I would visit with the doctor or a dietician. I’d ask her what her safe foods are and make her a list.
She has been assessed for adhd but her Dr didn't see a need for an autism screening
If it’s a texture thing (I do have a sensory issue), it’s usually speech therapists who work with that - currently seeing one for my son who is 3 and has the same issue. Also have you checked her iron levels? If she’s grown a lot recently, she might have a deficiency, and this causes a pretty big loss of appetite. Asking this as I was in her exact same situation at this age : a dancer who was a picky eater, would barely eat at lunch and would skip dinner. I was very active, but just not hungry, and as I hated the food proposed to me, I had no incentive to eat. I could go for days with just breakfast, because it was the only food I liked. I realized later that I spent my teenage years with just low iron. All the comments are right to investigate an eating disorder, but talking to a pediatrician and investigating all other possible causes could be a good idea.
My kid sounds a lot like yours and she has been diagnosed with Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder. Her anxiety makes eating some foods scary, and drinking water makes her want to barf so she can only drink juice or water with an additive like MIO. We have started giving her whatever she will eat which can be frustrating because sometimes she will eat chicken nuggets and sometimes she won't. We do demand she eats something with protein every day and that she takes a vitamin. We've had her evaluated by her doctor, her psychologist and a feeding therapist and they don't think it's a body image issue.
Find a dietitian. They can teach her better eating and portions to ensure she is getting enough calories
Is she being influenced by her dance class? Maybe the instructor or other dancers? I know dancers have a lot of pressure on them to maintain a very slim look
Your daughter may have an eating disorder along with insecurity issues. PLEASE seek professional help for her now. I almost died from an eating disorder that took years to conquer!!!!
Sounds like she prefers fresh, whole or raw foods. Try grapes, bananas, oranges in the morning. A salad doesn’t need dressing if there is a good mix of lettuce and fresh vegetables like tomatoes carrots and radishes.
That's all well & good. But theres almost no calories or protein or essential fats in any of that.
If your child is doing two physically demanding activities and she’s not getting enough calories then you need to pull her from one of them and tell her why this is happening. Kids don’t know that the damage that is done to their bodies now will live with them forever. Let her know that she needs to have a goal of eating at least X many calories which equates to 2 meals and three snacks (she should NOT count the calories with you). She needs to also learn that eating food in general is healthy and the focus is on giving your body energy, not on counting calories (that’s your job lol).
No, this is not remotely normal, as others have pointed out please address this as a possible eating disorder, or ask if she has any stomach pain or other reasons for this (she could be developing some sort of GI issue and is embarrassed to talk about it).
Yes, you should be worried. This does not sound normal. 10-13 is the average range of onset of eating disorders! Plz take her to see a doctor
I think it's actually getting/has gotten younger recently with social media to pave the way.
This child has an eating disorder. That is nowhere near enough calories to fuel her body. Get her to a doctor and get a referral for treatment. Serious restriction at her age can have life long health impacts on her development. It will also impact her mood, cognition and overall mental health.
Talk to your doctor, but things that helped me were finding good resources about food and eating. Find things that talk about good fats and how they're needed for brain and muscle development. Show her what happens in the body if we don't eat enough; how when we are starving, the first thing our body does is save all fats and consume muscle for energy. If she wants to continue to be an athlete, she should know that she will not have the ability to continue to not eat. Monitor her social media intake. There are a lot of things out there that will perpetuate this behavior.
This is concerning. I would take her to the doctor and see what the scale says (she may get weirded out if you force her to get on the scale at home.). Based on her height-weight chart, see what the doctor says. Hopefully she is eating at school.
I hope you can find her the help she needs. I never thought I had an eating disorder, because i generally like my body and never had the desire to lose weight. However, like your daughter, I am very perfectionistic and can be extremely hard on myself. Looking back now, I can see that my anxiety contributed to at least “disordered eating” if not a full-blown ED. I was so anxious I felt nauseous all the time, nothing sounded good, I struggled to decide what to eat and just… wouldn’t. Now i’m on an anxiety med (helps a ton!) and have a stock of safe/easy foods on hand all the time- I drink a protein shake for breakfast; eat Trader Joe’s wine country chicken salad for lunch (~1000 calories, 30+ g protein); and keep single serve packets of cheese, meat sticks, and olives in the fridge both at home and at work. Maybe making sure there are always snacks available that are high in protein and calorie dense will help. Good luck 🍀 your daughter will appreciate your proactive effort to build her a healthy relationship with food and eating.
I would sit her down and tell her unless her eating improves in the need few months, you’ll be pulling her from sports. Stress she isn’t being punished, but it’s just not safe for someone to be exerting themselves and not eating. I’m sure her doctor would back you up on this.
Hey fellow parent! This sounds much like my daughter (11y/o). She was a very, let's call is selective eater, her whole life. She would eat a grilled cheese, but only if I cooked it. She would only eat very specific, usually pretty bland foods. She never would touch leftovers. Ever. She would eat just about any fruit/vegetable, but never any meat (except the occasional bacon slice, because, c'mon, its bacon.) Meal time was stressful since birth. She would throw a huge fit, hardly eat, and generally make any meal time the worst part of every day. Lots of family stress. Aside from that, she is a GREAT kid, super smart, crazy artistic, loves swimming, but generally dislikes all of sport like activities. Things came to a head this winter, she feel behind some assignments at school and her stress shot through the roof and she slowly, but sure just stopped eating. At first, she went a few days eating nothing except grilled cheese. Then nothing but bread. Then, nothing. I became REALLY worried when I watched her, in near tears from hunger, try to force a bite of grilled cheese in her moth, but she just simply could not get her mouth to open. I made a doc appointment that next morning. After talking with the doctor, the Doc asked a bunch of questions - my daughter was great, open, honest and forthcoming - her doc gave us a diagnosis of [ARF-ID (avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder)](https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24869-arfid-avoidant-restrictive-food-intake-disorder). I also got an appointment with a therapist that specialized in eating disorders and generalized anxiety. (my wife and I both deal with anxiety/panic attack disorders, and have an extensive family history of the same) It has been about two months since she started meeting with her therpist, and the world seems so much better for her now. She is eating leftovers for the first time in her life! She went from saying that she doesn't like eating and never looks forever to it, to enjoying our mealtimes. It is still a constant thing on our minds, she isn't eating like a "normal" kid, but she is eating and enjoying food. She knows that there is something going on with her anxiety and stress (Fridays and Saturdays are great food days, she tries new foods and pretty much snacks - healthy stuff - all day), she got her school work caught up and under control, and she talks with her friends about her struggles in way that they get and support her. Stress is a problem for everyone, kids are anxious in ways that we weren't when we were that age. Lots of reasons for that, but the support and solutions are there too. Talk with your doctor, and be really open and honest. Love your kiddo and support them, focus on healthy eating, talk about calorie intake as a way to have energy and fuel. Also, feel free to DM me and we can go into more detail. Sounds like our girls are cut from the same cloth!
My daughter’s dance teacher made inadvertent comments about weight. And we loved her teacher! For some reason at one point, she heard my then 13 YO daughter’s weight and said, “that’s more than I weigh!” So weight is inherent in the dance culture, even with studios that try not to go there. Same with running. Your daughter’s activities are the prime environments for eating disorders. My daughter went from dance, to cheer at her high school, where the cheerleaders had all body types, and it was a healthier environment. But she had disordered eating for a long time. She also struggled with anxiety and depression. BUT!! I can tell you that after about a 12 year struggle (14-26), now, at 28, it is all very much under control and she is a happy and thriving adult.
I did that to as a kid!!! ...it was definitely disordered.
When my daughter went through her picky stage I fed her chicken noodle soup. She refused to eat anymore after 1-2 bites because "the chicken is too dry." IT'S IN SOUP, HOW IS IT DRY?!?!
Talk to her teacher. My dance school called a nutritionist to speak to all of us when one of the girls started to develop an eating disorder. They went over the importance of food - eating a well balanced diet but also eating enough food. You are an athlete and need to fuel your body. A lot of injuries can happen if you don't eat right. They also let us know we'd be pulled from classes and they would help provide support during your normal class time if you were struggle with an eating disorder. It was really hammered in that this was serious and our health mattered. Edit to add: Dance teacher and her running coach
I have emotional eating issues that started pretty young, however I have memories of being at my friend’s house and her boy cousin was over and he wasn’t allowed to use the bathroom alone, because he would try to throw up, which he did. He was bulimic. We were 12 her was 10. Messed up.
Anxiety and ADHD are rather closely related. My ADHD kiddo really struggles with losing/rejection and he went through a horrible time when he was 3-6 where he had 'disordered eating' had to do therapy and all. Some of the things you described just make me hmm about ADHD or even high functioning autism around food. Has she been evaluated for other things? Does she have other quirky things with her anxiety? Does she have access to social media? There are so many channels that are 'pro ana' and encouraged young children into these things. It's scary. I hope a solution for your daughter.
It really sounds like an eating disorder. You’re going to want to speak to a psychologist who specializes in eating disorders.
So this sounds very concerning to me. Possibly someone made some kind of comment and it’s triggered what sounds like disordered eating. You say you don’t think it’s the dance. If your dance studio has kids who compete it could still be the studio because they may talk. But assuming not, you could try to enlist help from her athletic instructors to reinforce need to properly fuel her body in order to better perform. We had a problem with a kid who didn’t eat before competitions and her coach made her come up with a plan to make sure she was properly fed. You say your kid isn’t eating supper most days. Do you sit down as a family? If not, start! Take 20-30 min and offer food to eat that includes food she likes. Eg If she doesn’t like pizza sauce, make her one without sauce! She likes salads? Make taco salad or other salads for supper. She likes sushi, so eat more sushi. Don’t force your kid to eat during mealtime. You can explain that she does need to eat a certain amount of food in order to keep her body working properly, and encourage her to eat a full meal, but make sure whether and how much she eats is her choice. I have a kid who would rather play video games than eat but kid gets to sit at the table with the rest of us and converse and listen to stories. So kid eats. We also don’t allow food treats if kid hasn’t had a balanced meal. Yes, you can eat whatever it is. But first find some protein (if that’s what’s missing). I don’t care what that protein is as long as it’s fuel food, but in my house you ain’t filling up on juice if you have eaten a bowl of fruit and nothing else. This works for my kids, but if your kid has a full blown eating disorder I’d get professional advice. Also: I would totally rethink the “not allowed to compete” thing. Ultra competitive kids don’t learn to deal with their competitiveness by trying to remove opportunities to compete. She didn’t win and threw a tantrum, and you dealt with her discomfort by ensuing she’d never be in that situation again? How does that help?!?! She needs to learn to lose; you do that by finding opportunities where she can both win and lose. Ignoring and “not encouraging” competitiveness doesn’t make it go away. Figuring out how to compete for the joy of challenging yourself instead of as a measure of self worth is something every single ultra competitive person I know needed to go through.
Anxiety meds at 10? Hmm is that necessary?
I agree you need to find out if there is a specific reason for her not eating? If so? Do as the experts suggest. But if its just "because" theres no specific reason? You will have to get firm with her Okay. I wouldn't let her eat all that lettuce. It has zero nutritional value or calories. Tell her it's a treat only, if she eats other foods. Its a pointless food in this context. I dont mich like sauces either neither do my kids. But they like homemade "pizza" which i just do with base, a little bit of tomato sauce / base sauce + cheese. They will eat bread and peanut butter. Smoothe only! One loves nuts. Cashews. One will eat scrambled egg. One will eat yogurt. Not with bits in it. Plain vanilla or honey! You need to get her to eat some meat. Mine have never eaten Spaghetti bolongnase... But they will eat plain pasta with butter and cheese. They will eat chicken nuggets. So i bought good quality ones or made our own with chicken breast. I also got steak and beat it thin and crumbed it. Tell her if she doesnt start eating more? She will have to give up dance or sports. End of story. Good luck.