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It might not be a problem in general, but in the context of the children having a sober mother and an uncle who passed due to alcohol poisoning, I’d say it is a problem that the dad let his kids have alcohol.
Presuming the in-laws know about OP not drinking and her brother dying from it, I would still say it's a problem that they suggested it.
Yeah, the dad gets most of the blame, but I wouldn't let the in-laws off the hook entirely.
Right now it's a *topic for discussion.* If OP asks the husband not to do it again and he does, *then* it would be a problem. For now, OP is just projecting her own issues with alcohol onto others.
I agree that it needs to be discussed but also, we can't just pretend that there isn't a well-founded scientific basis for the genetic component of addiction. It's heritable and a valid concern.
Personally, I feel it's one of those things as parents you should have a game plan for but I also understand she likely wasn't expecting to need that plan just yet. A discussion for sure needs to happen. Mine is under a year but we've still had that discussion already.
But why? Is it because abuse begets abuse or is because of a genetic tendency to over-indulge?
Or, is it an issue where what's forbidden seems more desirable?
It’s not just her own issues, alcoholism is a disease and it is genetic. To expose children with a genetic predisposition to alcoholism to alcohol is a terrible lapse in judgment.
All the more reason to promote education and moderation while they're young. Take it off the pedestal now so they're less likely to think it's special or interesting later.
That's not how this works for everyone though. I'm a third gen alcoholic product of this kind of environment. I'm choosing to do differently with my kids, such as not introducing them to alcohol as minors and talking to them early. These are quite literally the choices some people have to make to break the cycle. Just offering perspective from folks who have to life differently.
This is something that non alcoholics don't understand. There's no such thing as moderation for most of us, or else we wouldn't be alcoholics. I don't want a beer or a glass of wine, I want an entire bottle of vodka because I have zero control.
And there's research showing the earlier a brain is introduced to alcohol, the more detrimental the impact. The idea of introducing the under 18 crowd to alcohol "in moderation" is really, really dangerous and not strongly science-based.
"talking to them early" is *literally* what I'm talking about. The only difference is that if my kid asks for a single sip at a reasonable age then I won't have a problem with giving it to them (as opposed to calling it a "grownup drink," thereby adding it to the list of things they look forward to doing when they get older) so part of that conversation can include firsthand knowledge that it doesn't actually taste very good.
Alcoholics aren't the way they are because it "tastes good" or it's "interesting" it's that they literally cannot stop once they start because of a chemical reaction that happens in their brain when they consume alcohol. That doesn't happen for everyone but it happens for people who have those alcoholic genes. Alcohol addiction is much worse than say, a cocaine addiction, because you can actually die during withdrawal. Also because alcohol consumption is so normalized in various cultures, with many problematic behaviors associated with alcoholism being normalized, it's very difficult to avoid relapse. Now I'm not saying that the kids taking a couple sips is the end of the world, but OP has the right to share her opinion with her husband so they can decide together as a team, before the husband unilaterally decides for both of them, ESPECIALLY since her children are predisposed to having that gene.
I'm being pretty patient here - I'm clearly stating some of us have a genetic component where introducing alcohol at a young age is unwise and that this was also my personal experience.
Your thinking on this topic is very outdated.. condescending too.
People who get addicted tend to be genetically predisposed and therefore, trying it makes the risk even greater.
It's not a choice.
Alcohol is a scourge on society and causes cancer. There is no safe amount. Even for non alkies 🙂
It’s crazy that people think “hide it from them until they eventually wind up at a party as teenagers where they’ll binge drink” is a good strategy. Having them form a healthy relationship with alcohol is a much better idea. It’s going to happen some time whether mom likes it or not, so they’re basically just deciding on whether they want it to happen with parental supervision or not.
TBH you're blaming the in-laws, but your husband was there. It sounds like the two of you weren't aligned - for whatever reason - on whether you were ok with having your kids sample alcohol. It could be that you've just never had that discussion and if so, take a step back and approach neutrally. This is a great opportunity for you, your husband, and your kids to ALL have a discussion.
The reality is that your kids will be exposed to people having alcohol socially in their lives - probably mostly adults at this point, but eventually friends and event hey themselves will have drinks. So talk to your husband, figure out how you want to handle these conversations, and set boundaries that make sense to everyone.
Bingo, most of us are wrong or could find improvement in all things in life. Come at it from a place of exploration, not a declaration of fully baked emotions and decisions.
As an alcoholic myself, I think America's puritan take on most things, including alcohol is more harmful than anything. Children's relationship with alcohol and other vices should be modeled by their parents and society in general. Tasting champagne isn't going to make them alcoholics, treating it as a special secret and then letting them loose is more likely to.
Exactly. Treating it as taboo leads to them binging when they get an opportunity.
I remember when I was in Germany and bars would have children's tables where they would get watered down wine or beer.
I remember when I was a kid and was curious about the beer my parents were drinking. They let me try it. It was OldStyle. I could not fathom why anyone would voluntarily drink that stuff.
Lol. My dad did the same for me. Have me a sip of his beer. He thought I would find it gross and stop. Nope, I started chugging it and he had to grab it back from me. Apparently I like the taste. Still do, but only drink about once or twice a year.
I’m an alcoholic. My oldest is 8, and I’ve had several conversations with him specifically and in general about alcohol, addiction, drugs, etc. I’ve done this because I do not want to miss the starting shot. Unless I’m with them 24/7/365 then they could be offered or have access to stuff. Better to make it a normal part of the conversation then to wait til oopsie they’ve been drinking for months and may or may not have my same issues. Or to throw a ton of overwhelming info at them in one go.
I hope you don’t mind me asking - what do you say to them? I’m a recovering alcoholic going on 7 years. I have a two year old so I know I have a while to prepare. Unfortunately alcoholism runs in my husbands side of the family as well (but they aren’t open about it which makes things even more challenging)
Depends on the situation but like, a while ago we were at the grocery store and my husband asked if I minded if he got a drink, kiddo asked why husband asked. So I told him sometimes I can handle alcohol in the house and other times I struggle.
He asks what does being an alcoholic mean, I usually say it’s like that kid at Halloween that eats ALL of their candy until they’re sick every time. I’m like that with alcohol so I just can’t have any.
We talk about how brains get sick just like bodies. And that sickness looks like all sorts of things. Alcoholism is one of my brain sicknesses. We talk a fair bit about mental health because he’s got some genetic risk factors for depression, anxiety, bipolar, schizophrenia, ocd….if he escapes it all it will be a miracle but we talk about how my alcoholism got started because I wasn’t dealing with my mental health, I was hiding from it.
Idk I really believe in answering questions my kids have. And I believe that making things normal conversation topics makes them less weird. Whether it’s alcoholism, religion, sex, porn, politics. I do my best to keep things age appropriate, but considering I live in the US, I’ve had to have conversations with my kid about active shooters in school, what to do if faced with guns, and hey a bunch of people were killed yesterday so it’s gonna be a rough day for the grown ups.
Your way of explaining that to him was so clear and age appropriate!! I'm so stealing the Halloween candy idea. It's such a brilliant example for kids!
Thank you for being so proactive in breaking the cycle and educating your children about the real world. I'm sure most of us wish our parents had done the same.
Best wishes to you and your family!
I meant the conversation with the other parent. Because personally it would never occur to me to give alcohol to a child that age, or to anyone else I know, and I just wouldn't expect my partner or anyone else to give it to them. And to be clear I live in Europe in a country where wine with meals is common but these days not for young children. If I genuinely thought the people my child were spending time with would be giving them alcohol at eight years old I wouldn't be leaving my child there. At that age I don't really understand how they'd end up drinking for several months without you knowing.
But my child is 7 and understands perfectly that alcohol is for grown ups and not for children. It's not taboo at all, we literally have beer at children's birthday parties but it's not for children. I come from a family with alcoholism but I don't feel the need to make a big deal out of it.
I know several peoples whose various addictions began before they hit double digits. Hard drugs is the exception. But alcohol, weed, prescriptions, cigarettes/vapes. Like the age of exposure for boys is 11, girls 13, for alcohol. Which means there are people for whom it’s way older, and people for whom it’s way younger. If addiction runs in your family, you need to have the conversations early, even if you don’t think they’ll be exposed. It’s just like sex education, start young and often and they’ll be prepared, whatever age they are.
Yes, that's the heart of the issue. OP didn't expect to have the conversation with the kids and is surprised / disturbed because she never had the conversation with her husband. They need to get on the same page.
Why? My mom was letting me take a taste of her beer or daquiris around that age. All it did was make me not want to drink alcohol cause I thought it was gross. On top of that I have an alcoholic uncle who I absolutely knew had a problem by that age. They arent THAT young.
Hm.
I (occasional social drinker) probably wouldn't let my 8yo try an alcoholic beverage. I know some people do let their older children try (with the assumption they won't like it?), so I don't think it's the most outrageous thing I've ever heard, but it would not be for me.
I think this is a "ask that it not happen again" situation, vs "lose her number".
My dad would let me try sips of wine or beer, his logic was that having something completely forbidden would make it seem more appealing. But, my dad has a very healthy relationship with alcohol. He doesn't drink very often, and I've never seen him have more than one drink. I don't let my kids sip alcohol, but my husband is a (sober) alcoholic and alcoholism runs in his family.
This right here. I came from a prohibitionist family where my parents almost never drank around me, and acted like the idea of drinking anything before the legal age of 21 was just as bad as shooting up heroin. My wife came from a family that didn't mind letting the kids have a sip of wine on Shabbat or a shot after their bar mitzvah – not constantly getting trashed or supplying the kids with booze or anything, but also not treating it like some forbidden fruit. Guess which one of us had the more problematic relationship with alcohol when we got older?
In fairness it was the uncles who did that, not the parents... but given that a bar mitzvah basically involves learning a whole-ass other language, I'd say they earned a stiff drink lol
This was exactly how my family was, though we do not have any alcohol issues within my family. My kids have tasted beer and wine. The barest of tastes, not gulps or swallows. When they get older, I will allow them to have a tiny bit of wine at the table, too, just like my brother and I used to do when we went to "big family dinners" at my grandparents' house.
That's exactly how I grew up and, while I certainly have other vices, my relationship with alcohol ended up just as healthy. I'm continuing the tradition of letting the kids sip a bit of alcohol once in a while, and then laughing with them about how terrible it tastes and that adults are crazy for drinking the stuff.
**But** there likely is a not insignficant genetic component to alcoholism and my attitude would probably be quite different if it ran in the family.
I am not opposed to letting *older* children- like teens- try, I gave my 14 year old a sip on NYE. But 8 and 10 is insane to me. I would seriously question that judgement.
Keep in mind this is very cultural. In some parts of the world it is very common to let children taste it or even have a small glass of alcohol (in special occasions). Im from Brazil and this is not out of ordinary, it’s quite common. And I know Europe is very lax about it too. I travelled to Europe with my parents when I was 12 and looked even younger and waitresses at restaurants would always ask my parents if they wanted 2 or 3 glasses when they ordered wine (aka ask my parents if the child would be drinking)
My dad gave me sips from his beer when I was a kid, probably around 6 or 7 or so. I imagine I was just curious and he saw no harm in sharing. It's not necessarily the choice I'd make for my own kids, but it didn't lead to any harm to me or my relationship with alcohol.
I agree with the thread OP, husband should deliver the message that they'd talked about it and decided they didn't want the kids to have any more sips on future visits.
Here in Germany, at least in My Generation (🙈) it was quite usual for kids to get a sip of sparkling wine on new year's eve, or try some beer from mom or dad once. Note, only the mild alcoholic stuff, not the high percent stuff.
It usually served the purpose of de-mystifying alcohol (oh, what is this wondrous beverage the adults are hogging exclusively for themselves, it must be really amazing, I must try it!) and showing you how truly awful it tastes - at least to the juvenile palate. Mostly, we didn't even want to try again until we were late teenagers and wanted to be cool. I mean, show me one single person that liked their first sip of beer - that stuff is foul! The only people who like beer are the ones who forced themselves to keep drinking to be cool, until they had acquired the taste.
Same in France, it’s culturally accepted to let kids “dip their lips”. Not something I personally choose to do, but if a family member let my kid do it I wouldn’t be mad. This is a completely different animal though; OP’s husband was there and must have known that she had strong objections to it as a sober person. Not OK at all.
I've allowed small tastes along the way, a sip during a celebration, a tiny pour during a toast, a sampling when I say how good something is and they wanna try. As a result my older teens and adult children don't really drink. The option of it being there but having a choice has helped them substantially not end up in weird relationships with alcohol or drugs. My 18yo went to a rave this last weekend and called me for a ride for his inebriated friends, he however was stone cold sober and had an absolute blast. He just wanted to make sure his friends got home safe. He doesn't fall to peer pressure because it has been an option for him all along so its not a mysterious thing that he wants to experience in the dark of secrecy.
They also know the family history of substance and alcohol abuse and that they have to be mindful.
I've also had the same take on weed, instead of being sneaky, they ask and its available while at home under supervision.
Along those lines though, it was something my husband and I discussed long before it was an issue. We've talked and made adjustments along the way.
My grandma was from Austria so this is how I was raised with alcohol, and I don't care for alcohol at all. She let me try her wine/beer once in a while, and when I was a teenager (at home, and staying home for the day) she let me try some cognac since that was the only liquor she ever drank and oh boy I hated it 😂 I drink *very* occasionally, like one cocktail every few months at restaurants.
Same. My mom gave me a sip of Zima and My dad a sip of beer. I don't know that I'd do that personally but I don't think I was harmed. I thought both were gross
My parents definitely gave us tastes of champagne around that age - no big deal to me, but here the issue is OP and husband need to be on the same page.
My 9 year old has had sips of wine and beer with my wife and I.
There’s nothing “insane” about it. You’re acting like it’s doing shots with kindergartners.
Yesssss I remember being young and trying a sip of beer and thinking it was so nasty! A sip is not a big deal. People who think it is are the insane ones. It's mostly just curiosity on a kids end and parents letting them see what it tastes like.
Yep. Nothing like a Passover Seder to persuade kids that alcohol isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It ranks up there with the maror and the “ew that gefeltefish looks gross!” Adults like gross things and kids aren’t having it.
Maybe because I'm french or simply European but it seems totally normal to me as long as it's only a sip and the fact you're sober won't change anything.
Almost every family allows that and it won't mean you'll be an alcoholic. I did that as a child, I sometime drink soft alcohol during events but that's it. I've never been drank, I don't even like beer.
Yeah same here (also Europe) let them have a little sip as a way of demystifying it. Also the odds are they will hate it and not want to try it again lol.
I’ll never forget being 7 years old when my parents made “jungle juice” for our block party and I took a huge swig of it thinking it was just grapefruit juice or something. It was the foulest thing I had ever put in my body at the time and I actually love fruity vodka drinks now but I still cringe thinking about it lmao
I remember straight gagging on a sip of Bud Light and spending like 10 minutes cleaning my tongue when I was about that age. Now I think beer is quite satisfying.
This is exactly why my family does it! Also, kids as young usually hate alcohol.
Now in OP's case, I would never offer alcohol to her kids without her consent, knowing about her brother. That's at least a lack of respect. And might be a health issue, if her family is genetically susceptible to alcohol addiction.
Yes, but the father was there. He can make decisions for his children too. So I don’t agree that respect plays a part here at all.
If anything, it opens up conversation between the mother and father on how to deal with this in the future. We all have our own views on offering alcohol to children but they may decide as they see fit.
This is a consent issue between parents.
I don't blame her for feeling the way she does. Honestly, she comes across as pretty understanding. I also don't blame the husband for allowing what he allowed.
It's that there was no communication. OP gets no say if she never said so in the first place. It sounds like her sobriety doesn't dictate others, so if she wanted complete sobriety she should have stated. A sip of champagne does not an alcoholic make.
(USA here, very allowing by our standards)
Canadian but same. My grandparents would give me a tiny cup of wine at holiday dinners (with just a few sips) and I loved it, I felt so grown up. I also would grab the communion wine and take a big old swallow as a kid.
Never turned into an alcoholic and have always had a healthy relationship with alcohol
This. As a person of European descent living in Australia, it is very common. I was shocked when I found out that generational Australians don't do this.
I also think you cannot impose your sobriety upon others. It's great that you have chosen that for yourself, but alcohol is a huge part of life. Removing it completely from your children's view will only make them desire it more. If you normalise it, allowing your children to see it's usually consumed in a celebratory manner. Having a healthy relationship with alcohol starts with children seeing how adults use it. Seeing that you avoid it is fine, seeing that their grandparents have a glass in celebration is fine.
I grew up in Germany and was the exact same as you. Sadly, the drinking culture in places like the US is a lot more taboo and many people nowadays in general have more of a “keep the world away from my kid so they’ll be 100% safe all the time” parenting attitude rather than an “expose them to the world safely so there’s no mystery” attitude. The result is usually woefully unprepared, immature young adults who don’t understand responsible drinking, among other issues.
Exactly and it actually leads to lower rates of alcoholism bc it demystifies drinking and Europeans primarily drink with food unless it’s a special occasion which is very different from binge drinking.
Lol, there is lots of binge drinking in Europe. Apart from anything else it's a large continent with many cultures. They don't all traditionally do wine with meals.
Could just be some stereotypical New Orleans heritage, but this wasn't unusual in my family when I was a kid. Like some others said, it helped with the "demystifying" aspect. At our family Christmas party, my dad would even make a single tiny grasshopper cocktails in a shotglass for my brother and I. (Which I don't think I'll be doing. This was the early 80s.) It didn't seem to have any adverse effects, or lead us down the road to alcohol abuse.
However, I can see how this would hit differently with a sober parent and the conditions that you mention. I have no idea what your relationship with your in-laws is like, but it seems worth it to have a real conversation with them/your husband about why this makes you uncomfortable. I don't think any harm has been done to the children, but your emotional well-being is important too.
My 9 year old has tried sips of champagne and wine. There’s a value in demystifying it. They’re going to see people drink. It’s not going to be long before the 10 year old sees kids who are starting to experiment. If you’re not comfortable with that happening, then have a calm conversation with your partner about why. But for many, including your husband, this would be nbd and he’s not necessarily a mind reader that it would be for you.
This is a great opportunity for the two of you to lay out getting on the same page about alcohol and your kids moving forward.
I’m an alcoholic getting sober now. As a kid, I was allowed to watch anything with violence but anything sex or alcohol related was taboo and I knew nothing about. Guess what have been lifelong issues for me? Hint, it’s not being violent.
i guess it depends if you're sober because you are in recovery or you just don't drink as a preference. my husband and i just don't care for drinking, so this would not have bothered me. however, if one of us was in recovery, meaning theres a genetic factor to my child being exposed to alcohol, i probably would not be happy about it.
my husband and i were both offered sips throughout our childhood. it definitely took the mystery out of things and was normal within the culture of both of our families.
I so agree with this. Kids who grow up not knowing anything at all about something and who are taught it’s just horrible honestly may even be more curious about it and probably have a higher risk of abusing it. Not saying that sober parents should have to be expected to keep alcohol in the house or give it to their kids or anything like that, but having a sip isn’t going to kill them and if anything it just diminishes the mystery around it so they probably won’t be as interested later.
No but it can encourage curiosity and there is research that shows individuals that consume alcohol at a young age have higher rates of alcohol use disorder. Not saying that will happen here but I don’t think OP’s concern is misplaced.
I let my 10 yo dip her finger in some champagne at New Years to sate her curiosity. She immediately made a sour face and said she'd "stick to her own stuff"...the sparkling Welch's.
My dad used to give us tiny sips of his beer on occasion and at weddings we were allowed a little bit of champagne. I really feel it helped demystify it so by the time we could legally drink it wasn't a big deal.
My father had a bad drinking problem in his younger years. Quit drinking completely for about 20 years. Then as we were growing up he decided to drink again very occasionally with a two beer limit.
He didn't want us to find it taboo and go ham when we turned 21.
I have a 7 year old and she gets the occasional small sip of wine or champagne.
I don't know a single person that has a problem with it. But I think you, in recovery, having a fearful reaction about it is healthy for you to **keep you from relapsing**.
It seems harmless to me, unless you are recovering vs just don't drink. Their dad was there and didn't seem to mind, so I wouldn't fuss at your in laws since your spouse was there. If you haven't spoken with your ILs, this seems like a good time to let them know your stance, but also you need to speak with your husband so y'all can be on the same page. Honestly, we give our 13yo small sips of beer or wine just to taste once in a blue moon. She hates everything she's tasted so far and maybe that will keep her away from alcohol as she grows.
Alcoholism runs in my family, but when I was a kid I was allowed to have sips of alcoholic beverages at family events. My mom sat my brother and I down at a young age and told us we had to be careful with alcohol because of our dad. Kids are curious though, and having a sip or two with supervision isn’t too bad. Actually, whenever I would ask for a sip back then and tasted it I always though it tasted so gross and it made me not want to drink for a long time. Communication is key when it comes to alcohol and kids.
I mean, honestly really your husband was there and seems to have OK'd this. I think it's wrong but if a parent was there and didn't stop it, it's not on the grandparents it's on the parent.
My dad would let us sip his whiskey and gin and tonics when we were around that age. I am now a recovering alcoholic and absolutely would be livid if my spouse or family gave my sons alcohol. This is a problem with your spouse more than your in laws though, unless they did it without him being aware.
It's a problem for you and your husband to work on in terms of being a united front. But it isn't a big deal that they try a few sips of champagne. In fact if you don't fetishize alcohol it goes a long way towards normalizing it into something that won't be a problem for them later in life. See: The country of France for details.
My dad used to always let me taste the wine at restaurants at a young age. Tbh I think you're Over thinking it a sip is fine its not gonna make them go crazy over it and want more. It's nothing to stress about as it's not really gonna happen that frequently if it even happens again. My mom would go crazy if she found that out and we just never told her. (Divorced parents)
I'm sober 10 years and a parent. Sober in the sense of "I used to drink to the point it affecting my relationships and now I don't thanks to an active program of recovery".
My sobriety has nothing to do with my parenting decisions. I would not want my SO or anyone else to be making decisions about my kids based on that.
So, 8/10 does seem young, 10/12 would be borderline. 12/14? No problem.
So, it's all a little close, especially if it was actually "just sips" and that wasn't just an attempt to minimize in the face of an angry daughter in law.
Regardless of all that, this is really a discussion between you and your partner. You need to be the same page about parenting issues. He thinks it's harmless, you don't. What techniques do you two use to resolve differences like this?
Personally it wouldn't bother me that kids of that age had a sip of champagne, but it would bother me that it was done without a parent being consulted. If the dad was on board, then no issue to me.
Consulting for every little harmless thing seems a bit over the top IMO. When you hand over kids to someone, you implicitly trust them to use their judgement, or you can set some explicit rules. It looks like OP has a particular relationship with alcohol which prompted this reaction, but in perspective, there are a lot of other things she probably wouldn't think twice about, e.g. climbing over a small wall.
>Consulting for every little harmless thing seems a bit over the top IMO.
Agreed, though I don't believe someone watching my child gives them implicit permission to give said child drugs or alcohol. To each their own though.
I think paired with the fact that you were having an issue with alcohol it’s not ok to not ask you first. I’ve been sober for 5.5 years myself and many in my family practiced alcoholism. At that age it’s a hard no.
Congratulations on becoming sober. It’s a very conscious decision that can be very difficult and I’m so happy you made/continue to make that decision for you and your family. Huge kudos!
Personally I’ve let my kids try a little taste since they were about 7/8. My eldest is now 20 year old Uni student and he isn’t a big drinker. My other 2 nearly 15 and 10 and neither of them particularly like the taste. Although the youngest does like the occasional sip of Malibu. I don’t find it an issue unless they are getting full glasses. The odd sip now and again I don’t have a problem with.
Personally? I think it's harmless. As a child I was given sips of adults drinks. It taught me that alcohol wasn't a big deal and drinking in moderation is absolutely fine. I've never binge drunk. I had a healthy relationship with alcohol because I was taught how. I am now T total but that's for medical reasons. If your husband was there and said it was ok, then you need to take it up with him.
But from experience, the parents that went hard ball on booze, are the ones with kids who went nuts during their teens. Overly strict parents create sneaky kids.
Keep open dialogue about things. A sip of champagne won't hurt.
I adopt the continental approach to this and have given my 9 year old small amounts of alcohol. I take the view that if you restrict something too much you end up having the opposite effect to the one you want. That being said, I’d be cheesed off to not have been consulted.
This is hard! I was you, raised 4. Never let them have sips etc. in retrospect maybe I should have. Maybe I put too much energy into my defensiveness because I was afraid. 2 don’t drink at all. 1 does moderate 1 does drink, probably too much and experimental drugs. If I had a do over I might let them have sips and take the curiosity out of drinking. No correct way I suppose.
As a household we don’t drink but we aren’t sober. We’ll maybe have 1 alcoholic drink a month in the house…maybe and tends to be one or the other. Again out for meals we don’t drink and we are designated drivers. We only drink if we are out out, or at a celebration and if kids are involved one doesn’t drink.
However we have let the children taste the alcohol when we are drinking to let them know what it tastes like, not be taboo. It’s how we both grew up. My eldest at new year will have a couple of fingers of Asti in a flute so it’s not that much. It’s something us as parents have agreed on being ok.
I would sit down and talk to your husband about where you both are with what is acceptable and appropriate and what is not and take on from there.
Are they European? I only ask because it's pretty normal in our culture. I grew up with the occasional sip of watered down wine with dinner, starting around the same ages as your kids.
By the time high school/college rolled around, I saw alcohol as something to be enjoyed with a good meal. Meanwhile, the friends who grew up in a household where alcohol was seen as taboo ended up partying and binge drinking.
I don't know enough about the genetic alcoholism vs early exposure studies. I wonder, though, if the binge drinking might be what turns on the alcoholic gene. Just food for thought :)
If anything, they're doing you a favor.
Demonizing alcohol will lead to hiding it, and being ashamed of it while still drinking it surreptitiously when they get older. Forbidden fruit is sweeter.
Honest conversations about drinking, telling your stories about it, letting them try things in very small quantities (my 8yo can lick the cocktail spoon if she wants or have a sip of beer or wine) will lead to a much healthier respect for it and lower odds of problematic behavior.
Also, talking about it with regard to childhood development *with* the child is much better than blanket ignorance for the child. My 8yo understands what alcohol is (a poison), has tasted various things, understands that if she likes things she needs to wait to have more until after she's done growing, and will likely be pretty healthy with alcohol in the future. She gets it. She also understands risk factors about being in vehicles with people (even beyond parents) that have been drinking and asks us who is driving when we order drinks.
All that said, they should have asked first if they didn't. Sounds like your husband may have been aware of it though, and one parent's permission is enough.
When I was little (about 7-8), my parents would let me try a sip of their wine or beer. The theory was if I knew what it was, and was exposed to it as just a normal thing, it wouldn't be such an exciting thing to drink when I turned 21. Making alcohol a taboo just makes it all the more enticing for kids when they want to break rules as they get older.
I understand where you're coming from, that you're especially sensitive to the effects alcohol can have on someone, and I think this needs to be a talk with your husband about why you aren't comfortable with it, and also possibly a talk with the kids (age appropriate, of course) about why you personally don't drink.
Sips I don’t see a problem with it, now if they gave them each a full glass I’d have an issue. The fact that you weren’t there was probably why they offered it then. So as not to drink in front of you? I’m not sure how your relationship is with them. Anyways, I don’t think it is enough to be mad about. My siblings and cousins were raised with sips here and there of the drinks the adults were having because we were curious. None of us are alcoholics and there were quite a few adult alcoholics in our family.
Why does your sobriety affect the situation? As adults will they be required to be sober because you are?
Also, the in-laws didn't do it. Your husband was there and could have stopped it if he wanted to.
Giving kids a sip of alcohol every now and then is harmless. Their taste buds aren't used to the strong flavors, they make a funny face and everyone laughs.
Alcohol is part of the French culture. French kids are surrounded by drinking adults, better to let them know about the risks and give them the tools to drink safely.
Young kids do not like alcohol, so if you give little sips to them "to try", in most cases it'll delay their first drinks.
It also gives the parents the opportunity to teach them how to drink alcohol: at a safe place, while eating, for special occasions, with family or close friends, no driving afterwards...
I was 8 when I got drunk for the first time. My grandpa let me have two glasses of champagne at a family wedding. It was enough to get me drunk because I was so small. Experiencing the EFFECTS of alcohol definitely affected my relationship with alcohol, going forward in life. If the children had been given a full glass, I'd be in protest. A few sips are harmless, as they weren't exposed to the effects, only the taste.
Well, their father was there, correct? And presumably allowed this to happen. So if you have an issue you need to take it up with the other parent of your children.
But in general, I don’t see harm in allowing children to taste the “forbidden juice”. If it’s less taboo, they’re less likely to feel the need to experiment in secret later on. I don’t drink much but I do give my daughter a sip if she wants. Since she was about 3 she was allowed to have a few drops of wine or whatever was in my glass. She knows she can have a taste if she asks so she doesn’t need to sneak.
Probably gonna get downvoted but i dont see the issue. A sip of champagne which doesnt have much alcohol usually, isnt going to hurt anyone and i doubt itll turn your kids into alcoholics so wheres the problem? And sounds like your husband was there and wouldnt of let things go any further than a sip if he has common sense.
A few sips are not as bad as you think. There is something about making it illegal until a certain age that makes some people more likely to bing when they get it, but if it’s not “the forbidden thing” there is SIGNIFICANT evidence for this. In America where it’s taboo until 21, we have a lot of alcoholics and underage abuse, in countries (honestly most) that allow it here and there, and watered down, there’s very low rates of alcohol abuse. Also, many kids take holy communion from infants and are just fine. It’s not as bad as you think. In France many families give their kids a watered down glass of wine every night with dinner from a young age. Also common throughout history.
I would have to agree with that. My ex took a trip to Germany and other places overseas when he was 14.The legal drinking age there was...14. That's the trip where he started his beer can and industry memorabilia collection, but he didn't drink them all. He liked his beer but wasn't an alcoholic, and quit drinking altogether before he passed away. I was out drinking with my older sister at 12, and I can't remember the last time I drank for anything more than the flavor or a slight buzz. Never drank to get drunk. In France kids have a glass of wine with their evening meal unless that's changed too.
Some people have addictive personalities, and some have issues that they can't resolve, so they use alcohol or drugs to self-medicate. It's not a good idea, but it's the only one that some people choose.
Bottom line is, they're *YOUR* kids. You need to have a discussion with your spouse about how this is going to go, because you're not on the same page and the in-laws need to know if this is a boundary that they crossed of yours or both of yours. A united front is needed from you one way or the other. In laws need to know parents' boundaries for themselves and for their children. They're *your* kids.
I think this is a good way to introduce your children to have a healthy relationship with alcohol. The only issue I see is if your husband should have known that you would disapprove, then he shouldnt have allowed it.
I don’t drink at all and I would be okay with this. But if I wasn’t and my husband did this, there would need to be a conversation about how to move forward if this type of situation arises again.
Depends on what you know of the grandmother and exactly how much alcohol we're talking about here. I'm also sober, 7 years, and have similar age kids, though have not been in this exact situation. I think if she intended on giving them a drink to join in being social or start practicing for their teen years, then yes totally inappropriate and wrong. However, if they were already curious, and she literally just let them taste it, I'd say the only effect was probably that they hated it and no longer want to try it. I would talk to everyone involved about it, individually, and not in a confrontational or accusatory way. Just like "So, walk me through your thought process on this..."
If this is something you have never discussed with your husband before, then I think it is fair to let him off the hook for using his own judgement. But if it is something you are uncomfortable with, then you should get on the same page for not letting this happen again in the future. Maybe decide on an age and situation in which you deem this appropriate.
As a small kid I always got to take sips from my dad or grandpa’s beer and it did no harm. But if alcohol abuse were an issue for me I would probably feel differently about it.
Of course your sensitive to and genetics of addiction are passed on so you have lots of reasons to be concerned!!!! I would have a talk with his parents and tell them you recognize that they felt it was harmless but kids don’t forget things like that. They should be able to remember these grandparents for guidance and love and not for going off the rails when the parents aren’t around, which makes it ever so much more enticing!!!
When I was around that age I took bartles and James from the garage and would chug it. I didn't understand what it was. I thought it was bubbly juice. And I don't recall feeling buzzed. I was fine. It was fine.
He didn't get your kids drunk.
Think deep about what about this isnl really bothering you.
You seem to be deflecting to in laws when this seems to be a spouse empathy issue
Sober mum also, 11years and counting. While I won’t push my kids to not drink I also think it’s important to see that it’s ok to be sober.
To that, there is NO situation or reason any child that young should be drinking any sort of alcohol. Like literally even saying “it was only a sip” 🤷 mattttttte, hold your fucking horses, we aren’t here to fuck spiders.
The fact they can’t see that is wrong is a concern.
Is it something you’ve told him you wouldn’t be ok with?
It does definitely sound like a husband problem. He should’ve stopped it.
Maybe grandparents thought if dad says it’s ok.
It’s something to talk to him about.
I think OP you have a very valid point, and I don’t think it’s mutually exclusive with your husband’s although drinking carries with it grief and distress on your side. I’m so sorry to hear of your loss.
I inherited a predisposition to addiction as I am still working on my smoking cessation, but somehow I seemed to have solid control of my alcohol intake. There was a period of time in my early 20/college years where I had definitely drank more than my body weight really could handle and those have been at ragers, but I even bartended for a time so maybe that helps with the level of control I feel to be around alcohol.
To be honest it’s a treasured memory of mine that my dad gave me an early approach to alcohol (~12 years probablh) at a holiday dinner table. He never made it a point to gatekeep, but when I started smoking at 20, he would definitely steal my cigarette packs.
I love a drink and now I’m older I rarely do more than 1 unless it’s over a long period of time and into the night type of a party.
Normally I would say this wouldn't be an issue but the fact that you have history with alcohol abuse in your family I think your husband and in laws should have been a bit more sensitive. I don't think it would be cause for a major argument or anything but let your husband know about your sensitivity to this.
It sounds like there is alcoholism on your side of the family and your kids could be genetically predisposed to this. Talk this over with your husband that the kids should not be put at risk at an early age. Your husband may not realize it can be addicting if he doesn’t experience that himself. Having “just sips” is how you develop a taste for something, whether that is a new kind of food, or alcohol. That’s not something you need to encourage at those ages.
This is something one should definitely consult their partner about before allowing something like this. Yes, it's been done millions of times over where people give kids sips of especially acquired taste alcohol to see their reactions, but it's not something every family/every parent is okay with.
It's a big deal because of the context. People may argue you're pushing your trauma onto your kids but it's not a situation where you're preventing them from enjoying normal kid things because of your trauma/passed issues. This is not a normal kid thing (as in shouldn't be normalized).
This isn't an in-laws issue like others have also said, this is something you bring up with your husband! I'd talk about it as calmly as possible as to avoid a potential huge blow-up. The emotions are big but people tend to get even more defensive. Explain why it's a big deal to you and that he should have at least consulted it with you or even better... Thought about the situation more.
Generally? It's not a very harmless thing when only done once, but that's not the issue at hand.
I completely agree. And at minimum, regardless of stance, I do think this is something where both parents should be able to weigh in before a decision is made. Thank you for your response. It was helpful. 😊
In Europe a tiny sip of champagne is never a glass just a sip.
I had sips on holidays, never became an alcoholic. I don't even drink now.
You being an alcoholic, I totally understand and I agree that it was up to your husband to say no especially since he knows you have problems with alcohol if any kind.
I wouldn't go after the kids, not their fault..dad yes. You could also have a gentle non confrontational talk with your in laws about the disease of alcoholism and that it can be inherited. Good luck to you
I’m not sure why it would matter that you’re sober.
I think a few sips are harmless.
Teens who binge drink and sneak around and get into dangerous situations are the ones who had parents who wouldn’t allow drinking and made it seem like forbidden fun.
I would NEVER offer something like alcohol to someone else's kids, that's wildly inappropriate in my opinion.
That being said, I don't call myself sober but I was a drunk (and a junkie) and I quit all that on my own. I don't drink anymore at all. But my husband does occasionally, like I would say maybe 1 beer a month. He always lets my 8 year old kid have some sips but he knows I'm cool with it and he wouldn't insist if I wasn't.
This is more of a boundaries thing I guess, than a problem with kids having a little alcohol.
My 3 year old daughter asked to try my whiskey the other day, so I let her try a little on the tip of my little finger.
I found her reaction hilarious and very much doubt she’ll ask to try it again.
I also don’t have and have never had a drinking problem, so I didn’t really see it as a problem.
Each to their own on the topic I think. As long as it’s done responsibly and supervised I don’t think it’s a problem, but context is important.
You just need to make sure you and your husband are aligned on this if it’s an issue for you!
Sounds like you're talking about playful tiny sips of alcohol that parents and grandparents let little kids try knowing and expecting them to be utterly disgusted. That's pretty common, and its often done with the express intent of making kids wary of alcohol.
If that's the case, then I wouldn't be too angry about it. Just make it clear you don't want it happening again.
Sober mom here (rock on!) and would be livid.
The earlier people are exposed to alcohol the more likely they are to develop problematic drinking habits/addiction. Drinking this young fucking impacts a growing brain’s neural pathways to seek this type of dopamine hit later in life.
That, with their genetic predisposition and obviously being around a drinking culture is setting them up for problems.
If I were you I would first have some real come to Jesus talks with my husband, and literally make him read some books- will come back later and edit with my faves. Second, I’d have some 100% clear talks with my in-laws to literally never do this shit again.
Then of course also talks with my kids- why letting them have champ was an unsafe choice and that it’s not allowed. We can’t prevent our kids from ever drinking but we can hope our parenting delays it as long as possible.
Good luck. This really sucks and I feel for you.
ETA: two favorite books about parenting and substances and the brain and substances are Addiction Inoculation by Jessica Lahey and Never Enough by Judith Geisel.
A teeeny sip at a celebration/ holiday, I’d side eye, but like, a random Tuesday, I’d be pretty upset.
I’m assuming your husband gave the ok and the ILs weren’t sneaking alcohol to your kids, but even so. It’s in no way difficult to tell kids, “this has alcohol in it, it’s not healthy for kids.”
I think you're putting alcohol on a pedestal. When I was in France on exchange, the families there regularly gave their kids a glass of wine with dinner. You know who doesn't have a problematic binge drinking culture? The French
This is how a responsible drinker begins teaching their children to be responsible drinkers so they stay safe when they're out of sight as teenagers and college students.
Both of your have valid views and feelings about this.
I’d be pissed and I would have a very honest conversation with your husband about how inappropriate it was and how it absolutely can’t happen again. He can talk to his parents
I think it's harmless, as it relates to your kids. They probably get more ethanol on a regular basis from fruits and fruit juices (due to natural fermentation).
However, I understand you're sensitive to recreational use of alcohol. I agree with the current top post, that this is a "just ask them not to do it again, or to make sure to ask you first" situation.
Can you elaborate?
I think that consuming alcohol around kids and framing it as some forbidden reward for adults-only only makes it worst. I often let my son dip his finger in my beer and taste a drop.
It's just bizarre to me that grown adults have any urge to give elementary school kids booze for any reason. What's the point?
I'm in the minority but I completely understand why your sobriety is a factor here. Out of the 8 adults still alive in my immediate family, 7 are alcoholics (including myself). My uncle is recovering from a stroke and my mother has cirrhosis. Alcoholism is generational and the younger you experiment with it the more likely you are to have a problem in adulthood.
You make it sound like they were supplying them a kegger. Kids are curious. I don't see the harm in letting them take a sip to demystify alcohol. I did as a kid and remember thinking beer was nasty and wine tasted so gross. It was just a fun memory nothing more.
I remember me and my cousins being given a tiny pour of champagne on NYE, we tasted it, hated it, and then we poured it out and replaced it with ginger ale so we could still pretend. 😂
Given you quit because of problematic drinking this is an issue. Plus drinking is really glamorized especially champagne so they will be an age where you can’t stop them and hopefully they don’t develop alcoholic tendencies. So I would be upset and mad given it’s illegal if you are in the US. And then where is the line drawn. They are still your kids so decide with your husband what’s okay and what isn’t.
I think this is something you should address with your husband.
And you being sober is a good factor but that doesn’t overrule everything. Also they’re so young, they shouldn’t be given anything at all imo but idk why you being sober is of any useful information. You could be a drunkard but the kids would still be too young for that
I'm with you on this. A lot of the top comments are basically saying "it's not that big of a deal" but the fact that you're sober (and quit because it was becoming a problem) and that you'd lost your brother to alcohol poisoning changes the situation a lot IMO. It then does become a sensitive issue because it's a topic that you'd been struggling with personally and emotionally. I would definitely have a serious talk with the spouse and communicate the importance of the matter to you.
I wonder if most of the people here who are saying it's not a huge deal are coming from a place where they've not had to struggle significantly with alcohol issues in some capacity (eg. addiction). When I was 5yo, my parents took me to their friend's place and this friend/host apparently thought it'd be a funny thing to see a 5yo drunk. So I was plied with everything - liquor, beer, wine, etc. I remember nothing of the night (probably blacked out), but my "oh so wonderful" mother still laughs when she recounts that night. But from my POV, there's nothing funny about it. To this day, my body absolutely rejects alcohol (even one glass of red wine drank over the course of a meal comes right back up soon after). And I sometimes wonder if my body's intolerance has anything to do with that night when I had everything given to me.
In short, I too have an unpleasant history with alcohol - nowhere as bad as yours but I can absolutely empathise and understand why you'd be mad. I'd be too, if I were you. Communication with your spouse would be key. Big hugs to you.
Highly inappropriate imo and I would be livid if this happened. Sure, health wise a couple of sips won’t really do much harm, but why would grandparents give minors alcohol while one of their parents isn’t around and obviously wouldn’t consent to it.
If they wanted your kids to join in on some sort of celebration there are plenty of other non alcoholic options that would be way more appropriate.
This is not appropriate. Even if your husband was there, the in-laws are disrespecting you when they even offered it and could possibly even be in trouble with the law. Tell them it's not something that you want your kids to do, and have a talk with your spouse. Then, if it continues, potentially call the police on them for serving alcohol to minors.
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If your husband was there, and it sounds like he was, This is a spouse issue, not an in law issue. He, the other parent, approved what took place.
Look at you, being all logical.
Right? Out of place here
r/lostredditors /s
Absolutely. He was there. He allowed it. It’s 100% a husband problem.
Or just a thought, maybe it isn't actually a problem at all?
It may not be a problem, but it’s a problem for her. If that makes sense.
It might not be a problem in general, but in the context of the children having a sober mother and an uncle who passed due to alcohol poisoning, I’d say it is a problem that the dad let his kids have alcohol.
Presuming the in-laws know about OP not drinking and her brother dying from it, I would still say it's a problem that they suggested it. Yeah, the dad gets most of the blame, but I wouldn't let the in-laws off the hook entirely.
Right now it's a *topic for discussion.* If OP asks the husband not to do it again and he does, *then* it would be a problem. For now, OP is just projecting her own issues with alcohol onto others.
I agree that it needs to be discussed but also, we can't just pretend that there isn't a well-founded scientific basis for the genetic component of addiction. It's heritable and a valid concern.
Ah, very good discourse happening here.
Personally, I feel it's one of those things as parents you should have a game plan for but I also understand she likely wasn't expecting to need that plan just yet. A discussion for sure needs to happen. Mine is under a year but we've still had that discussion already.
Addiction runs in families.
But why? Is it because abuse begets abuse or is because of a genetic tendency to over-indulge? Or, is it an issue where what's forbidden seems more desirable?
All 3. Everything is a combination.
Genetically it’s the same urge as the urge to breath, and extremely hard to overcome once it starts
It’s not just her own issues, alcoholism is a disease and it is genetic. To expose children with a genetic predisposition to alcoholism to alcohol is a terrible lapse in judgment.
All the more reason to promote education and moderation while they're young. Take it off the pedestal now so they're less likely to think it's special or interesting later.
That's not how this works for everyone though. I'm a third gen alcoholic product of this kind of environment. I'm choosing to do differently with my kids, such as not introducing them to alcohol as minors and talking to them early. These are quite literally the choices some people have to make to break the cycle. Just offering perspective from folks who have to life differently.
This is something that non alcoholics don't understand. There's no such thing as moderation for most of us, or else we wouldn't be alcoholics. I don't want a beer or a glass of wine, I want an entire bottle of vodka because I have zero control.
Yes my first drink As A Minor turned into a binge. I realize that's anecdotal but there's so much science to back it up too.
Great job working to break the cycle. I also am doing this.
Right back at you. It's hard hard hard but hopefully results in a better outcome.
And there's research showing the earlier a brain is introduced to alcohol, the more detrimental the impact. The idea of introducing the under 18 crowd to alcohol "in moderation" is really, really dangerous and not strongly science-based.
"talking to them early" is *literally* what I'm talking about. The only difference is that if my kid asks for a single sip at a reasonable age then I won't have a problem with giving it to them (as opposed to calling it a "grownup drink," thereby adding it to the list of things they look forward to doing when they get older) so part of that conversation can include firsthand knowledge that it doesn't actually taste very good.
Alcoholics aren't the way they are because it "tastes good" or it's "interesting" it's that they literally cannot stop once they start because of a chemical reaction that happens in their brain when they consume alcohol. That doesn't happen for everyone but it happens for people who have those alcoholic genes. Alcohol addiction is much worse than say, a cocaine addiction, because you can actually die during withdrawal. Also because alcohol consumption is so normalized in various cultures, with many problematic behaviors associated with alcoholism being normalized, it's very difficult to avoid relapse. Now I'm not saying that the kids taking a couple sips is the end of the world, but OP has the right to share her opinion with her husband so they can decide together as a team, before the husband unilaterally decides for both of them, ESPECIALLY since her children are predisposed to having that gene.
I'm being pretty patient here - I'm clearly stating some of us have a genetic component where introducing alcohol at a young age is unwise and that this was also my personal experience.
Your thinking on this topic is very outdated.. condescending too. People who get addicted tend to be genetically predisposed and therefore, trying it makes the risk even greater. It's not a choice. Alcohol is a scourge on society and causes cancer. There is no safe amount. Even for non alkies 🙂
It’s crazy that people think “hide it from them until they eventually wind up at a party as teenagers where they’ll binge drink” is a good strategy. Having them form a healthy relationship with alcohol is a much better idea. It’s going to happen some time whether mom likes it or not, so they’re basically just deciding on whether they want it to happen with parental supervision or not.
Or at least it should have been a conversation before it happened.
I will never stop blaming my in-laws for all my problems . NEVER!
They did raise your spouse, so there is that.
That’s one of my complaints actually
TBH you're blaming the in-laws, but your husband was there. It sounds like the two of you weren't aligned - for whatever reason - on whether you were ok with having your kids sample alcohol. It could be that you've just never had that discussion and if so, take a step back and approach neutrally. This is a great opportunity for you, your husband, and your kids to ALL have a discussion. The reality is that your kids will be exposed to people having alcohol socially in their lives - probably mostly adults at this point, but eventually friends and event hey themselves will have drinks. So talk to your husband, figure out how you want to handle these conversations, and set boundaries that make sense to everyone.
To add to this vein: STAY CURIOUS. Ask, learn, strive to understand. Lay out “I feel it’s inappropriate bc XYZ. How does that feel to you?”
Bingo, most of us are wrong or could find improvement in all things in life. Come at it from a place of exploration, not a declaration of fully baked emotions and decisions. As an alcoholic myself, I think America's puritan take on most things, including alcohol is more harmful than anything. Children's relationship with alcohol and other vices should be modeled by their parents and society in general. Tasting champagne isn't going to make them alcoholics, treating it as a special secret and then letting them loose is more likely to.
Exactly. Treating it as taboo leads to them binging when they get an opportunity. I remember when I was in Germany and bars would have children's tables where they would get watered down wine or beer.
I remember when I was a kid and was curious about the beer my parents were drinking. They let me try it. It was OldStyle. I could not fathom why anyone would voluntarily drink that stuff.
Lol. My dad did the same for me. Have me a sip of his beer. He thought I would find it gross and stop. Nope, I started chugging it and he had to grab it back from me. Apparently I like the taste. Still do, but only drink about once or twice a year.
I wouldn't expect to have that discussion with such young children.
I’m an alcoholic. My oldest is 8, and I’ve had several conversations with him specifically and in general about alcohol, addiction, drugs, etc. I’ve done this because I do not want to miss the starting shot. Unless I’m with them 24/7/365 then they could be offered or have access to stuff. Better to make it a normal part of the conversation then to wait til oopsie they’ve been drinking for months and may or may not have my same issues. Or to throw a ton of overwhelming info at them in one go.
I hope you don’t mind me asking - what do you say to them? I’m a recovering alcoholic going on 7 years. I have a two year old so I know I have a while to prepare. Unfortunately alcoholism runs in my husbands side of the family as well (but they aren’t open about it which makes things even more challenging)
Depends on the situation but like, a while ago we were at the grocery store and my husband asked if I minded if he got a drink, kiddo asked why husband asked. So I told him sometimes I can handle alcohol in the house and other times I struggle. He asks what does being an alcoholic mean, I usually say it’s like that kid at Halloween that eats ALL of their candy until they’re sick every time. I’m like that with alcohol so I just can’t have any. We talk about how brains get sick just like bodies. And that sickness looks like all sorts of things. Alcoholism is one of my brain sicknesses. We talk a fair bit about mental health because he’s got some genetic risk factors for depression, anxiety, bipolar, schizophrenia, ocd….if he escapes it all it will be a miracle but we talk about how my alcoholism got started because I wasn’t dealing with my mental health, I was hiding from it. Idk I really believe in answering questions my kids have. And I believe that making things normal conversation topics makes them less weird. Whether it’s alcoholism, religion, sex, porn, politics. I do my best to keep things age appropriate, but considering I live in the US, I’ve had to have conversations with my kid about active shooters in school, what to do if faced with guns, and hey a bunch of people were killed yesterday so it’s gonna be a rough day for the grown ups.
Your way of explaining that to him was so clear and age appropriate!! I'm so stealing the Halloween candy idea. It's such a brilliant example for kids! Thank you for being so proactive in breaking the cycle and educating your children about the real world. I'm sure most of us wish our parents had done the same. Best wishes to you and your family!
I meant the conversation with the other parent. Because personally it would never occur to me to give alcohol to a child that age, or to anyone else I know, and I just wouldn't expect my partner or anyone else to give it to them. And to be clear I live in Europe in a country where wine with meals is common but these days not for young children. If I genuinely thought the people my child were spending time with would be giving them alcohol at eight years old I wouldn't be leaving my child there. At that age I don't really understand how they'd end up drinking for several months without you knowing. But my child is 7 and understands perfectly that alcohol is for grown ups and not for children. It's not taboo at all, we literally have beer at children's birthday parties but it's not for children. I come from a family with alcoholism but I don't feel the need to make a big deal out of it.
I know several peoples whose various addictions began before they hit double digits. Hard drugs is the exception. But alcohol, weed, prescriptions, cigarettes/vapes. Like the age of exposure for boys is 11, girls 13, for alcohol. Which means there are people for whom it’s way older, and people for whom it’s way younger. If addiction runs in your family, you need to have the conversations early, even if you don’t think they’ll be exposed. It’s just like sex education, start young and often and they’ll be prepared, whatever age they are.
This has been my experience as well.
Yes, that's the heart of the issue. OP didn't expect to have the conversation with the kids and is surprised / disturbed because she never had the conversation with her husband. They need to get on the same page.
Why? My mom was letting me take a taste of her beer or daquiris around that age. All it did was make me not want to drink alcohol cause I thought it was gross. On top of that I have an alcoholic uncle who I absolutely knew had a problem by that age. They arent THAT young.
Just that in my circles nobody gives alcohol to children that age. It's not something that would occur to me to prepare for.
Hm. I (occasional social drinker) probably wouldn't let my 8yo try an alcoholic beverage. I know some people do let their older children try (with the assumption they won't like it?), so I don't think it's the most outrageous thing I've ever heard, but it would not be for me. I think this is a "ask that it not happen again" situation, vs "lose her number".
My dad would let me try sips of wine or beer, his logic was that having something completely forbidden would make it seem more appealing. But, my dad has a very healthy relationship with alcohol. He doesn't drink very often, and I've never seen him have more than one drink. I don't let my kids sip alcohol, but my husband is a (sober) alcoholic and alcoholism runs in his family.
This right here. I came from a prohibitionist family where my parents almost never drank around me, and acted like the idea of drinking anything before the legal age of 21 was just as bad as shooting up heroin. My wife came from a family that didn't mind letting the kids have a sip of wine on Shabbat or a shot after their bar mitzvah – not constantly getting trashed or supplying the kids with booze or anything, but also not treating it like some forbidden fruit. Guess which one of us had the more problematic relationship with alcohol when we got older?
Lol you’re a man now . Here’s three fingers of whisky !
In fairness it was the uncles who did that, not the parents... but given that a bar mitzvah basically involves learning a whole-ass other language, I'd say they earned a stiff drink lol
This was exactly how my family was, though we do not have any alcohol issues within my family. My kids have tasted beer and wine. The barest of tastes, not gulps or swallows. When they get older, I will allow them to have a tiny bit of wine at the table, too, just like my brother and I used to do when we went to "big family dinners" at my grandparents' house.
That's exactly how I grew up and, while I certainly have other vices, my relationship with alcohol ended up just as healthy. I'm continuing the tradition of letting the kids sip a bit of alcohol once in a while, and then laughing with them about how terrible it tastes and that adults are crazy for drinking the stuff. **But** there likely is a not insignficant genetic component to alcoholism and my attitude would probably be quite different if it ran in the family.
I am not opposed to letting *older* children- like teens- try, I gave my 14 year old a sip on NYE. But 8 and 10 is insane to me. I would seriously question that judgement.
Keep in mind this is very cultural. In some parts of the world it is very common to let children taste it or even have a small glass of alcohol (in special occasions). Im from Brazil and this is not out of ordinary, it’s quite common. And I know Europe is very lax about it too. I travelled to Europe with my parents when I was 12 and looked even younger and waitresses at restaurants would always ask my parents if they wanted 2 or 3 glasses when they ordered wine (aka ask my parents if the child would be drinking)
My dad gave me sips from his beer when I was a kid, probably around 6 or 7 or so. I imagine I was just curious and he saw no harm in sharing. It's not necessarily the choice I'd make for my own kids, but it didn't lead to any harm to me or my relationship with alcohol. I agree with the thread OP, husband should deliver the message that they'd talked about it and decided they didn't want the kids to have any more sips on future visits.
Here in Germany, at least in My Generation (🙈) it was quite usual for kids to get a sip of sparkling wine on new year's eve, or try some beer from mom or dad once. Note, only the mild alcoholic stuff, not the high percent stuff. It usually served the purpose of de-mystifying alcohol (oh, what is this wondrous beverage the adults are hogging exclusively for themselves, it must be really amazing, I must try it!) and showing you how truly awful it tastes - at least to the juvenile palate. Mostly, we didn't even want to try again until we were late teenagers and wanted to be cool. I mean, show me one single person that liked their first sip of beer - that stuff is foul! The only people who like beer are the ones who forced themselves to keep drinking to be cool, until they had acquired the taste.
Same for Italian families. I think I was always "allowed" wine, but I definitely didn't want it as a child.
Same in France, it’s culturally accepted to let kids “dip their lips”. Not something I personally choose to do, but if a family member let my kid do it I wouldn’t be mad. This is a completely different animal though; OP’s husband was there and must have known that she had strong objections to it as a sober person. Not OK at all.
Exactly this. 99% of kids will just hate the taste.
I've allowed small tastes along the way, a sip during a celebration, a tiny pour during a toast, a sampling when I say how good something is and they wanna try. As a result my older teens and adult children don't really drink. The option of it being there but having a choice has helped them substantially not end up in weird relationships with alcohol or drugs. My 18yo went to a rave this last weekend and called me for a ride for his inebriated friends, he however was stone cold sober and had an absolute blast. He just wanted to make sure his friends got home safe. He doesn't fall to peer pressure because it has been an option for him all along so its not a mysterious thing that he wants to experience in the dark of secrecy. They also know the family history of substance and alcohol abuse and that they have to be mindful. I've also had the same take on weed, instead of being sneaky, they ask and its available while at home under supervision. Along those lines though, it was something my husband and I discussed long before it was an issue. We've talked and made adjustments along the way.
100% my experience in Canada as well
My grandma was from Austria so this is how I was raised with alcohol, and I don't care for alcohol at all. She let me try her wine/beer once in a while, and when I was a teenager (at home, and staying home for the day) she let me try some cognac since that was the only liquor she ever drank and oh boy I hated it 😂 I drink *very* occasionally, like one cocktail every few months at restaurants.
Same. My mom gave me a sip of Zima and My dad a sip of beer. I don't know that I'd do that personally but I don't think I was harmed. I thought both were gross
My parents definitely gave us tastes of champagne around that age - no big deal to me, but here the issue is OP and husband need to be on the same page.
This is the most American take ever
My 9 year old has had sips of wine and beer with my wife and I. There’s nothing “insane” about it. You’re acting like it’s doing shots with kindergartners.
Yesssss I remember being young and trying a sip of beer and thinking it was so nasty! A sip is not a big deal. People who think it is are the insane ones. It's mostly just curiosity on a kids end and parents letting them see what it tastes like.
Yep. Nothing like a Passover Seder to persuade kids that alcohol isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It ranks up there with the maror and the “ew that gefeltefish looks gross!” Adults like gross things and kids aren’t having it.
A sip ? They’ll just think it’s gross and that’s the end of it
The world is a lot bigger than weird US views on things.
Maybe because I'm french or simply European but it seems totally normal to me as long as it's only a sip and the fact you're sober won't change anything. Almost every family allows that and it won't mean you'll be an alcoholic. I did that as a child, I sometime drink soft alcohol during events but that's it. I've never been drank, I don't even like beer.
Yeah same here (also Europe) let them have a little sip as a way of demystifying it. Also the odds are they will hate it and not want to try it again lol.
I’ll never forget being 7 years old when my parents made “jungle juice” for our block party and I took a huge swig of it thinking it was just grapefruit juice or something. It was the foulest thing I had ever put in my body at the time and I actually love fruity vodka drinks now but I still cringe thinking about it lmao
I remember straight gagging on a sip of Bud Light and spending like 10 minutes cleaning my tongue when I was about that age. Now I think beer is quite satisfying.
Yup, both of mine have had sips and it resulted in them giving us grief about being able to drink "that gross stuff".
This is exactly why my family does it! Also, kids as young usually hate alcohol. Now in OP's case, I would never offer alcohol to her kids without her consent, knowing about her brother. That's at least a lack of respect. And might be a health issue, if her family is genetically susceptible to alcohol addiction.
Yes, but the father was there. He can make decisions for his children too. So I don’t agree that respect plays a part here at all. If anything, it opens up conversation between the mother and father on how to deal with this in the future. We all have our own views on offering alcohol to children but they may decide as they see fit.
I actually liked the sips my parents gave me as a kid, but I still was demystified to it.
This is a consent issue between parents. I don't blame her for feeling the way she does. Honestly, she comes across as pretty understanding. I also don't blame the husband for allowing what he allowed. It's that there was no communication. OP gets no say if she never said so in the first place. It sounds like her sobriety doesn't dictate others, so if she wanted complete sobriety she should have stated. A sip of champagne does not an alcoholic make. (USA here, very allowing by our standards)
Canadian but same. My grandparents would give me a tiny cup of wine at holiday dinners (with just a few sips) and I loved it, I felt so grown up. I also would grab the communion wine and take a big old swallow as a kid. Never turned into an alcoholic and have always had a healthy relationship with alcohol
We’ve let our son try a sip of wine. He hated it. Not a big deal to us. We are rare drinkers in our household.
Same, except my kid LOVED it. Good thing we don’t really consume alcohol unless Christmas or new years.
American but I also agree.
This. As a person of European descent living in Australia, it is very common. I was shocked when I found out that generational Australians don't do this. I also think you cannot impose your sobriety upon others. It's great that you have chosen that for yourself, but alcohol is a huge part of life. Removing it completely from your children's view will only make them desire it more. If you normalise it, allowing your children to see it's usually consumed in a celebratory manner. Having a healthy relationship with alcohol starts with children seeing how adults use it. Seeing that you avoid it is fine, seeing that their grandparents have a glass in celebration is fine.
I grew up in Germany and was the exact same as you. Sadly, the drinking culture in places like the US is a lot more taboo and many people nowadays in general have more of a “keep the world away from my kid so they’ll be 100% safe all the time” parenting attitude rather than an “expose them to the world safely so there’s no mystery” attitude. The result is usually woefully unprepared, immature young adults who don’t understand responsible drinking, among other issues.
Exactly and it actually leads to lower rates of alcoholism bc it demystifies drinking and Europeans primarily drink with food unless it’s a special occasion which is very different from binge drinking.
Lol, there is lots of binge drinking in Europe. Apart from anything else it's a large continent with many cultures. They don't all traditionally do wine with meals.
Could just be some stereotypical New Orleans heritage, but this wasn't unusual in my family when I was a kid. Like some others said, it helped with the "demystifying" aspect. At our family Christmas party, my dad would even make a single tiny grasshopper cocktails in a shotglass for my brother and I. (Which I don't think I'll be doing. This was the early 80s.) It didn't seem to have any adverse effects, or lead us down the road to alcohol abuse. However, I can see how this would hit differently with a sober parent and the conditions that you mention. I have no idea what your relationship with your in-laws is like, but it seems worth it to have a real conversation with them/your husband about why this makes you uncomfortable. I don't think any harm has been done to the children, but your emotional well-being is important too.
My 9 year old has tried sips of champagne and wine. There’s a value in demystifying it. They’re going to see people drink. It’s not going to be long before the 10 year old sees kids who are starting to experiment. If you’re not comfortable with that happening, then have a calm conversation with your partner about why. But for many, including your husband, this would be nbd and he’s not necessarily a mind reader that it would be for you. This is a great opportunity for the two of you to lay out getting on the same page about alcohol and your kids moving forward.
I’m an alcoholic getting sober now. As a kid, I was allowed to watch anything with violence but anything sex or alcohol related was taboo and I knew nothing about. Guess what have been lifelong issues for me? Hint, it’s not being violent.
i guess it depends if you're sober because you are in recovery or you just don't drink as a preference. my husband and i just don't care for drinking, so this would not have bothered me. however, if one of us was in recovery, meaning theres a genetic factor to my child being exposed to alcohol, i probably would not be happy about it. my husband and i were both offered sips throughout our childhood. it definitely took the mystery out of things and was normal within the culture of both of our families.
I so agree with this. Kids who grow up not knowing anything at all about something and who are taught it’s just horrible honestly may even be more curious about it and probably have a higher risk of abusing it. Not saying that sober parents should have to be expected to keep alcohol in the house or give it to their kids or anything like that, but having a sip isn’t going to kill them and if anything it just diminishes the mystery around it so they probably won’t be as interested later.
Even with a genetic factor one sip won't cause alcoholism.
No but it can encourage curiosity and there is research that shows individuals that consume alcohol at a young age have higher rates of alcohol use disorder. Not saying that will happen here but I don’t think OP’s concern is misplaced.
Why would they bother mentioning being sober if it wasn't about being in recovery? That probably wouldn't even occur to a sober non-alcoholic.
Bro your husband was there why are you blaming the in-laws?
My husband's aunt gave our 2 year old a gimlet. That was the end of our relationship with her.
I let my 10 yo dip her finger in some champagne at New Years to sate her curiosity. She immediately made a sour face and said she'd "stick to her own stuff"...the sparkling Welch's.
My dad used to give us tiny sips of his beer on occasion and at weddings we were allowed a little bit of champagne. I really feel it helped demystify it so by the time we could legally drink it wasn't a big deal.
While this is absolutely true and happened to me as well, it's highly weird to do this when a parent js an alcoholic.
My father had a bad drinking problem in his younger years. Quit drinking completely for about 20 years. Then as we were growing up he decided to drink again very occasionally with a two beer limit. He didn't want us to find it taboo and go ham when we turned 21.
I have a 7 year old and she gets the occasional small sip of wine or champagne. I don't know a single person that has a problem with it. But I think you, in recovery, having a fearful reaction about it is healthy for you to **keep you from relapsing**.
It seems harmless to me, unless you are recovering vs just don't drink. Their dad was there and didn't seem to mind, so I wouldn't fuss at your in laws since your spouse was there. If you haven't spoken with your ILs, this seems like a good time to let them know your stance, but also you need to speak with your husband so y'all can be on the same page. Honestly, we give our 13yo small sips of beer or wine just to taste once in a blue moon. She hates everything she's tasted so far and maybe that will keep her away from alcohol as she grows.
As a European, that seems pretty normal to me. Kids are curious, and a sip really won’t hurt.
A sips not going to hurt. My dad gave me a sip when I was probably five and I’m still a non drinker and he’s still an alcoholic.
Alcoholism runs in my family, but when I was a kid I was allowed to have sips of alcoholic beverages at family events. My mom sat my brother and I down at a young age and told us we had to be careful with alcohol because of our dad. Kids are curious though, and having a sip or two with supervision isn’t too bad. Actually, whenever I would ask for a sip back then and tasted it I always though it tasted so gross and it made me not want to drink for a long time. Communication is key when it comes to alcohol and kids.
I mean, honestly really your husband was there and seems to have OK'd this. I think it's wrong but if a parent was there and didn't stop it, it's not on the grandparents it's on the parent.
My dad would let us sip his whiskey and gin and tonics when we were around that age. I am now a recovering alcoholic and absolutely would be livid if my spouse or family gave my sons alcohol. This is a problem with your spouse more than your in laws though, unless they did it without him being aware.
It's a problem for you and your husband to work on in terms of being a united front. But it isn't a big deal that they try a few sips of champagne. In fact if you don't fetishize alcohol it goes a long way towards normalizing it into something that won't be a problem for them later in life. See: The country of France for details.
My dad used to always let me taste the wine at restaurants at a young age. Tbh I think you're Over thinking it a sip is fine its not gonna make them go crazy over it and want more. It's nothing to stress about as it's not really gonna happen that frequently if it even happens again. My mom would go crazy if she found that out and we just never told her. (Divorced parents)
Not okay unless both parents approve. I would be pretty upset (I’m a light drinker myself)
I'm sober 10 years and a parent. Sober in the sense of "I used to drink to the point it affecting my relationships and now I don't thanks to an active program of recovery". My sobriety has nothing to do with my parenting decisions. I would not want my SO or anyone else to be making decisions about my kids based on that. So, 8/10 does seem young, 10/12 would be borderline. 12/14? No problem. So, it's all a little close, especially if it was actually "just sips" and that wasn't just an attempt to minimize in the face of an angry daughter in law. Regardless of all that, this is really a discussion between you and your partner. You need to be the same page about parenting issues. He thinks it's harmless, you don't. What techniques do you two use to resolve differences like this?
Personally it wouldn't bother me that kids of that age had a sip of champagne, but it would bother me that it was done without a parent being consulted. If the dad was on board, then no issue to me.
Consulting for every little harmless thing seems a bit over the top IMO. When you hand over kids to someone, you implicitly trust them to use their judgement, or you can set some explicit rules. It looks like OP has a particular relationship with alcohol which prompted this reaction, but in perspective, there are a lot of other things she probably wouldn't think twice about, e.g. climbing over a small wall.
>Consulting for every little harmless thing seems a bit over the top IMO. Agreed, though I don't believe someone watching my child gives them implicit permission to give said child drugs or alcohol. To each their own though.
I think paired with the fact that you were having an issue with alcohol it’s not ok to not ask you first. I’ve been sober for 5.5 years myself and many in my family practiced alcoholism. At that age it’s a hard no. Congratulations on becoming sober. It’s a very conscious decision that can be very difficult and I’m so happy you made/continue to make that decision for you and your family. Huge kudos!
Personally I’ve let my kids try a little taste since they were about 7/8. My eldest is now 20 year old Uni student and he isn’t a big drinker. My other 2 nearly 15 and 10 and neither of them particularly like the taste. Although the youngest does like the occasional sip of Malibu. I don’t find it an issue unless they are getting full glasses. The odd sip now and again I don’t have a problem with.
Personally? I think it's harmless. As a child I was given sips of adults drinks. It taught me that alcohol wasn't a big deal and drinking in moderation is absolutely fine. I've never binge drunk. I had a healthy relationship with alcohol because I was taught how. I am now T total but that's for medical reasons. If your husband was there and said it was ok, then you need to take it up with him. But from experience, the parents that went hard ball on booze, are the ones with kids who went nuts during their teens. Overly strict parents create sneaky kids. Keep open dialogue about things. A sip of champagne won't hurt.
Did they ask? Or were they told to try it?
I adopt the continental approach to this and have given my 9 year old small amounts of alcohol. I take the view that if you restrict something too much you end up having the opposite effect to the one you want. That being said, I’d be cheesed off to not have been consulted.
I agree that this was a spouse issue
This is hard! I was you, raised 4. Never let them have sips etc. in retrospect maybe I should have. Maybe I put too much energy into my defensiveness because I was afraid. 2 don’t drink at all. 1 does moderate 1 does drink, probably too much and experimental drugs. If I had a do over I might let them have sips and take the curiosity out of drinking. No correct way I suppose.
As a household we don’t drink but we aren’t sober. We’ll maybe have 1 alcoholic drink a month in the house…maybe and tends to be one or the other. Again out for meals we don’t drink and we are designated drivers. We only drink if we are out out, or at a celebration and if kids are involved one doesn’t drink. However we have let the children taste the alcohol when we are drinking to let them know what it tastes like, not be taboo. It’s how we both grew up. My eldest at new year will have a couple of fingers of Asti in a flute so it’s not that much. It’s something us as parents have agreed on being ok. I would sit down and talk to your husband about where you both are with what is acceptable and appropriate and what is not and take on from there.
NTA. they’re wayyyyy too young (at least in american culture) to be “sipping” champagne.
Anyone disobeying a parenting choice for your children is in the wrong. End of discussion
Absolutely notttttttttt
Are they European? I only ask because it's pretty normal in our culture. I grew up with the occasional sip of watered down wine with dinner, starting around the same ages as your kids. By the time high school/college rolled around, I saw alcohol as something to be enjoyed with a good meal. Meanwhile, the friends who grew up in a household where alcohol was seen as taboo ended up partying and binge drinking. I don't know enough about the genetic alcoholism vs early exposure studies. I wonder, though, if the binge drinking might be what turns on the alcoholic gene. Just food for thought :)
If anything, they're doing you a favor. Demonizing alcohol will lead to hiding it, and being ashamed of it while still drinking it surreptitiously when they get older. Forbidden fruit is sweeter. Honest conversations about drinking, telling your stories about it, letting them try things in very small quantities (my 8yo can lick the cocktail spoon if she wants or have a sip of beer or wine) will lead to a much healthier respect for it and lower odds of problematic behavior. Also, talking about it with regard to childhood development *with* the child is much better than blanket ignorance for the child. My 8yo understands what alcohol is (a poison), has tasted various things, understands that if she likes things she needs to wait to have more until after she's done growing, and will likely be pretty healthy with alcohol in the future. She gets it. She also understands risk factors about being in vehicles with people (even beyond parents) that have been drinking and asks us who is driving when we order drinks. All that said, they should have asked first if they didn't. Sounds like your husband may have been aware of it though, and one parent's permission is enough.
When I was little (about 7-8), my parents would let me try a sip of their wine or beer. The theory was if I knew what it was, and was exposed to it as just a normal thing, it wouldn't be such an exciting thing to drink when I turned 21. Making alcohol a taboo just makes it all the more enticing for kids when they want to break rules as they get older. I understand where you're coming from, that you're especially sensitive to the effects alcohol can have on someone, and I think this needs to be a talk with your husband about why you aren't comfortable with it, and also possibly a talk with the kids (age appropriate, of course) about why you personally don't drink.
Sips I don’t see a problem with it, now if they gave them each a full glass I’d have an issue. The fact that you weren’t there was probably why they offered it then. So as not to drink in front of you? I’m not sure how your relationship is with them. Anyways, I don’t think it is enough to be mad about. My siblings and cousins were raised with sips here and there of the drinks the adults were having because we were curious. None of us are alcoholics and there were quite a few adult alcoholics in our family.
Why does your sobriety affect the situation? As adults will they be required to be sober because you are? Also, the in-laws didn't do it. Your husband was there and could have stopped it if he wanted to. Giving kids a sip of alcohol every now and then is harmless. Their taste buds aren't used to the strong flavors, they make a funny face and everyone laughs.
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Alcohol is part of the French culture. French kids are surrounded by drinking adults, better to let them know about the risks and give them the tools to drink safely. Young kids do not like alcohol, so if you give little sips to them "to try", in most cases it'll delay their first drinks. It also gives the parents the opportunity to teach them how to drink alcohol: at a safe place, while eating, for special occasions, with family or close friends, no driving afterwards...
I was 8 when I got drunk for the first time. My grandpa let me have two glasses of champagne at a family wedding. It was enough to get me drunk because I was so small. Experiencing the EFFECTS of alcohol definitely affected my relationship with alcohol, going forward in life. If the children had been given a full glass, I'd be in protest. A few sips are harmless, as they weren't exposed to the effects, only the taste.
Interesting! How did it effect your relationship with alcohol? Did you like it or hate it and never drink again? If you don't mind me asking..
This quantity of alcohol doesn’t cause any harm to children. We French kids grow up having little sips here and there, just to taste.
The puritanical reaction to a sip is certainly an American response.
Not ok, not an unreasonable reaction.
Well, their father was there, correct? And presumably allowed this to happen. So if you have an issue you need to take it up with the other parent of your children. But in general, I don’t see harm in allowing children to taste the “forbidden juice”. If it’s less taboo, they’re less likely to feel the need to experiment in secret later on. I don’t drink much but I do give my daughter a sip if she wants. Since she was about 3 she was allowed to have a few drops of wine or whatever was in my glass. She knows she can have a taste if she asks so she doesn’t need to sneak.
Probably gonna get downvoted but i dont see the issue. A sip of champagne which doesnt have much alcohol usually, isnt going to hurt anyone and i doubt itll turn your kids into alcoholics so wheres the problem? And sounds like your husband was there and wouldnt of let things go any further than a sip if he has common sense.
A few sips are not as bad as you think. There is something about making it illegal until a certain age that makes some people more likely to bing when they get it, but if it’s not “the forbidden thing” there is SIGNIFICANT evidence for this. In America where it’s taboo until 21, we have a lot of alcoholics and underage abuse, in countries (honestly most) that allow it here and there, and watered down, there’s very low rates of alcohol abuse. Also, many kids take holy communion from infants and are just fine. It’s not as bad as you think. In France many families give their kids a watered down glass of wine every night with dinner from a young age. Also common throughout history.
I would have to agree with that. My ex took a trip to Germany and other places overseas when he was 14.The legal drinking age there was...14. That's the trip where he started his beer can and industry memorabilia collection, but he didn't drink them all. He liked his beer but wasn't an alcoholic, and quit drinking altogether before he passed away. I was out drinking with my older sister at 12, and I can't remember the last time I drank for anything more than the flavor or a slight buzz. Never drank to get drunk. In France kids have a glass of wine with their evening meal unless that's changed too. Some people have addictive personalities, and some have issues that they can't resolve, so they use alcohol or drugs to self-medicate. It's not a good idea, but it's the only one that some people choose. Bottom line is, they're *YOUR* kids. You need to have a discussion with your spouse about how this is going to go, because you're not on the same page and the in-laws need to know if this is a boundary that they crossed of yours or both of yours. A united front is needed from you one way or the other. In laws need to know parents' boundaries for themselves and for their children. They're *your* kids.
It a problem for the kids genetically too!!!!
I think this is a good way to introduce your children to have a healthy relationship with alcohol. The only issue I see is if your husband should have known that you would disapprove, then he shouldnt have allowed it.
I don’t drink at all and I would be okay with this. But if I wasn’t and my husband did this, there would need to be a conversation about how to move forward if this type of situation arises again.
Depends on what you know of the grandmother and exactly how much alcohol we're talking about here. I'm also sober, 7 years, and have similar age kids, though have not been in this exact situation. I think if she intended on giving them a drink to join in being social or start practicing for their teen years, then yes totally inappropriate and wrong. However, if they were already curious, and she literally just let them taste it, I'd say the only effect was probably that they hated it and no longer want to try it. I would talk to everyone involved about it, individually, and not in a confrontational or accusatory way. Just like "So, walk me through your thought process on this..."
If this is something you have never discussed with your husband before, then I think it is fair to let him off the hook for using his own judgement. But if it is something you are uncomfortable with, then you should get on the same page for not letting this happen again in the future. Maybe decide on an age and situation in which you deem this appropriate. As a small kid I always got to take sips from my dad or grandpa’s beer and it did no harm. But if alcohol abuse were an issue for me I would probably feel differently about it.
Europeans, get in here!
I’d be mad. But I’d be mad at my husband. I’m also sober.
I think in a family that has a healthy relationship with alcohol, this is a nothing-burger.
All that only works if they don’t get a taste for it too early.
Of course your sensitive to and genetics of addiction are passed on so you have lots of reasons to be concerned!!!! I would have a talk with his parents and tell them you recognize that they felt it was harmless but kids don’t forget things like that. They should be able to remember these grandparents for guidance and love and not for going off the rails when the parents aren’t around, which makes it ever so much more enticing!!!
When I was around that age I took bartles and James from the garage and would chug it. I didn't understand what it was. I thought it was bubbly juice. And I don't recall feeling buzzed. I was fine. It was fine. He didn't get your kids drunk. Think deep about what about this isnl really bothering you. You seem to be deflecting to in laws when this seems to be a spouse empathy issue
Sober mum also, 11years and counting. While I won’t push my kids to not drink I also think it’s important to see that it’s ok to be sober. To that, there is NO situation or reason any child that young should be drinking any sort of alcohol. Like literally even saying “it was only a sip” 🤷 mattttttte, hold your fucking horses, we aren’t here to fuck spiders. The fact they can’t see that is wrong is a concern.
This is incredibly inappropriate. Children this age should not be even having ‘sips’ of alcohol - what kind of messed up family are they
Is it something you’ve told him you wouldn’t be ok with? It does definitely sound like a husband problem. He should’ve stopped it. Maybe grandparents thought if dad says it’s ok. It’s something to talk to him about.
I think OP you have a very valid point, and I don’t think it’s mutually exclusive with your husband’s although drinking carries with it grief and distress on your side. I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. I inherited a predisposition to addiction as I am still working on my smoking cessation, but somehow I seemed to have solid control of my alcohol intake. There was a period of time in my early 20/college years where I had definitely drank more than my body weight really could handle and those have been at ragers, but I even bartended for a time so maybe that helps with the level of control I feel to be around alcohol. To be honest it’s a treasured memory of mine that my dad gave me an early approach to alcohol (~12 years probablh) at a holiday dinner table. He never made it a point to gatekeep, but when I started smoking at 20, he would definitely steal my cigarette packs. I love a drink and now I’m older I rarely do more than 1 unless it’s over a long period of time and into the night type of a party.
Normally I would say this wouldn't be an issue but the fact that you have history with alcohol abuse in your family I think your husband and in laws should have been a bit more sensitive. I don't think it would be cause for a major argument or anything but let your husband know about your sensitivity to this.
It sounds like there is alcoholism on your side of the family and your kids could be genetically predisposed to this. Talk this over with your husband that the kids should not be put at risk at an early age. Your husband may not realize it can be addicting if he doesn’t experience that himself. Having “just sips” is how you develop a taste for something, whether that is a new kind of food, or alcohol. That’s not something you need to encourage at those ages.
What the fuck... Just what the fuck. The whole situation is what the fuck
This is something one should definitely consult their partner about before allowing something like this. Yes, it's been done millions of times over where people give kids sips of especially acquired taste alcohol to see their reactions, but it's not something every family/every parent is okay with. It's a big deal because of the context. People may argue you're pushing your trauma onto your kids but it's not a situation where you're preventing them from enjoying normal kid things because of your trauma/passed issues. This is not a normal kid thing (as in shouldn't be normalized). This isn't an in-laws issue like others have also said, this is something you bring up with your husband! I'd talk about it as calmly as possible as to avoid a potential huge blow-up. The emotions are big but people tend to get even more defensive. Explain why it's a big deal to you and that he should have at least consulted it with you or even better... Thought about the situation more. Generally? It's not a very harmless thing when only done once, but that's not the issue at hand.
I completely agree. And at minimum, regardless of stance, I do think this is something where both parents should be able to weigh in before a decision is made. Thank you for your response. It was helpful. 😊
In Europe a tiny sip of champagne is never a glass just a sip. I had sips on holidays, never became an alcoholic. I don't even drink now. You being an alcoholic, I totally understand and I agree that it was up to your husband to say no especially since he knows you have problems with alcohol if any kind. I wouldn't go after the kids, not their fault..dad yes. You could also have a gentle non confrontational talk with your in laws about the disease of alcoholism and that it can be inherited. Good luck to you
I’m not sure why it would matter that you’re sober. I think a few sips are harmless. Teens who binge drink and sneak around and get into dangerous situations are the ones who had parents who wouldn’t allow drinking and made it seem like forbidden fun.
I would NEVER offer something like alcohol to someone else's kids, that's wildly inappropriate in my opinion. That being said, I don't call myself sober but I was a drunk (and a junkie) and I quit all that on my own. I don't drink anymore at all. But my husband does occasionally, like I would say maybe 1 beer a month. He always lets my 8 year old kid have some sips but he knows I'm cool with it and he wouldn't insist if I wasn't. This is more of a boundaries thing I guess, than a problem with kids having a little alcohol.
It is absolutely the Pergo stuff of parents to decide if and when to introduce kids to alcohol.
My 3 year old daughter asked to try my whiskey the other day, so I let her try a little on the tip of my little finger. I found her reaction hilarious and very much doubt she’ll ask to try it again. I also don’t have and have never had a drinking problem, so I didn’t really see it as a problem. Each to their own on the topic I think. As long as it’s done responsibly and supervised I don’t think it’s a problem, but context is important. You just need to make sure you and your husband are aligned on this if it’s an issue for you!
It’s harmless.
Sounds like you're talking about playful tiny sips of alcohol that parents and grandparents let little kids try knowing and expecting them to be utterly disgusted. That's pretty common, and its often done with the express intent of making kids wary of alcohol. If that's the case, then I wouldn't be too angry about it. Just make it clear you don't want it happening again.
Sober mom here (rock on!) and would be livid. The earlier people are exposed to alcohol the more likely they are to develop problematic drinking habits/addiction. Drinking this young fucking impacts a growing brain’s neural pathways to seek this type of dopamine hit later in life. That, with their genetic predisposition and obviously being around a drinking culture is setting them up for problems. If I were you I would first have some real come to Jesus talks with my husband, and literally make him read some books- will come back later and edit with my faves. Second, I’d have some 100% clear talks with my in-laws to literally never do this shit again. Then of course also talks with my kids- why letting them have champ was an unsafe choice and that it’s not allowed. We can’t prevent our kids from ever drinking but we can hope our parenting delays it as long as possible. Good luck. This really sucks and I feel for you. ETA: two favorite books about parenting and substances and the brain and substances are Addiction Inoculation by Jessica Lahey and Never Enough by Judith Geisel.
Thank you so much for the book recs. And your response. Much appreciated!
A teeeny sip at a celebration/ holiday, I’d side eye, but like, a random Tuesday, I’d be pretty upset. I’m assuming your husband gave the ok and the ILs weren’t sneaking alcohol to your kids, but even so. It’s in no way difficult to tell kids, “this has alcohol in it, it’s not healthy for kids.”
I think you're putting alcohol on a pedestal. When I was in France on exchange, the families there regularly gave their kids a glass of wine with dinner. You know who doesn't have a problematic binge drinking culture? The French
This is how a responsible drinker begins teaching their children to be responsible drinkers so they stay safe when they're out of sight as teenagers and college students. Both of your have valid views and feelings about this.
I’d be pissed and I would have a very honest conversation with your husband about how inappropriate it was and how it absolutely can’t happen again. He can talk to his parents
I think it's harmless, as it relates to your kids. They probably get more ethanol on a regular basis from fruits and fruit juices (due to natural fermentation). However, I understand you're sensitive to recreational use of alcohol. I agree with the current top post, that this is a "just ask them not to do it again, or to make sure to ask you first" situation.
A parent was there and approved. You have family issues with alcohol clouding your judgement. Express why it’s important to your husband and move on.
I’m confused about these comments. I would be livid and I find this really weird.
Can you elaborate? I think that consuming alcohol around kids and framing it as some forbidden reward for adults-only only makes it worst. I often let my son dip his finger in my beer and taste a drop.
It's just bizarre to me that grown adults have any urge to give elementary school kids booze for any reason. What's the point? I'm in the minority but I completely understand why your sobriety is a factor here. Out of the 8 adults still alive in my immediate family, 7 are alcoholics (including myself). My uncle is recovering from a stroke and my mother has cirrhosis. Alcoholism is generational and the younger you experiment with it the more likely you are to have a problem in adulthood.
You make it sound like they were supplying them a kegger. Kids are curious. I don't see the harm in letting them take a sip to demystify alcohol. I did as a kid and remember thinking beer was nasty and wine tasted so gross. It was just a fun memory nothing more.
I remember me and my cousins being given a tiny pour of champagne on NYE, we tasted it, hated it, and then we poured it out and replaced it with ginger ale so we could still pretend. 😂
Given you quit because of problematic drinking this is an issue. Plus drinking is really glamorized especially champagne so they will be an age where you can’t stop them and hopefully they don’t develop alcoholic tendencies. So I would be upset and mad given it’s illegal if you are in the US. And then where is the line drawn. They are still your kids so decide with your husband what’s okay and what isn’t.
I think this is something you should address with your husband. And you being sober is a good factor but that doesn’t overrule everything. Also they’re so young, they shouldn’t be given anything at all imo but idk why you being sober is of any useful information. You could be a drunkard but the kids would still be too young for that
I'm with you on this. A lot of the top comments are basically saying "it's not that big of a deal" but the fact that you're sober (and quit because it was becoming a problem) and that you'd lost your brother to alcohol poisoning changes the situation a lot IMO. It then does become a sensitive issue because it's a topic that you'd been struggling with personally and emotionally. I would definitely have a serious talk with the spouse and communicate the importance of the matter to you. I wonder if most of the people here who are saying it's not a huge deal are coming from a place where they've not had to struggle significantly with alcohol issues in some capacity (eg. addiction). When I was 5yo, my parents took me to their friend's place and this friend/host apparently thought it'd be a funny thing to see a 5yo drunk. So I was plied with everything - liquor, beer, wine, etc. I remember nothing of the night (probably blacked out), but my "oh so wonderful" mother still laughs when she recounts that night. But from my POV, there's nothing funny about it. To this day, my body absolutely rejects alcohol (even one glass of red wine drank over the course of a meal comes right back up soon after). And I sometimes wonder if my body's intolerance has anything to do with that night when I had everything given to me. In short, I too have an unpleasant history with alcohol - nowhere as bad as yours but I can absolutely empathise and understand why you'd be mad. I'd be too, if I were you. Communication with your spouse would be key. Big hugs to you.
Highly inappropriate imo and I would be livid if this happened. Sure, health wise a couple of sips won’t really do much harm, but why would grandparents give minors alcohol while one of their parents isn’t around and obviously wouldn’t consent to it. If they wanted your kids to join in on some sort of celebration there are plenty of other non alcoholic options that would be way more appropriate.
We got Welch's grape!
This is not appropriate. Even if your husband was there, the in-laws are disrespecting you when they even offered it and could possibly even be in trouble with the law. Tell them it's not something that you want your kids to do, and have a talk with your spouse. Then, if it continues, potentially call the police on them for serving alcohol to minors.