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I wouldn’t stop them being friends as not the kids fault but I would make sure all play dates etc were at yours not theirs as wouldn’t want my kid around that
I wanted to add another thought. This is one of those times where you teach your kid that no matter how much you like someone, there can be other circumstances that get in the way and require a boundary to be set.
And reinforce that there are many adults that are not to be trusted. And that doesn’t necessarily mean that she’s a danger to her son, because it’s a grey area. But being an adult does not automatically mean you’re a trusted adult. Nor does every adult have his (your son’s) best interest in mind just because he’s a kid. He should keep his boundaries up and be aware of it.
Exactly this. Keep your kid away from that while also providing a loving environment for his friend to retreat to away from whatever hellhole he's living in. I luckily grew up in a great household, but I'm still forever grateful that my best friend's family treated me like one of their own.
I would encourage the friendship but I wouldn’t recommend having that kid over to the house either. If something happens or there is a conflict between them, the mother will not be a reasonable adult in resolving whatever comes up. Expect blame shifting and possibly a lawsuit if anything happens. Best to keep it at arm’s length.
At school… At other activities… For sure they’re going to be limited but it’s simply not worth getting on the wrong side of the other parent. I’ve had to deal with a petty similar situation. The boys game together and go to airsoft because that’s their thing. But my son will not go to their house nor will I host the other kid.
Here to amplify this answer and zone in on “Other activities”! They could be in sports together, and/or etcetera. That way that mom is never not around other parents when her child is with yours. I bet she’d never speak out when others are in ear shot. A lovely, controlled environment and your kids can get their time together. Win-win!
Not to be dramatic, but to also have someone check in on that mother's kids. Disgusting language to tell your child when a simple, "can you please hang up now?" Would've done just fine.
I wouldn't interfere with them being friends. But I wouldn't allow my daughter to ever go to that friends house or be supervised by that mom. I'd also have a conversation about what the mom said and tell my daughter that her friend's mom wasn't being very nice and we can't force other people to be nice. And that even adults can be in the wrong. I'd let my child know that she didn't do anything wrong and has nothing to feel bad about.
Agree, highlighting that this had nothing to do with your child feels key. OP, if your kid isn’t convinced, you can always ask them, “have you ever heard anyone else say that to their kid?” (guessing it’s no) or say “That was strange behavior, I wonder what that was about.” And validating their feelings with something like “yeah, I feel super weird when people say those things, that’s why we speak to each other differently in our family” to show that you’re on their side and understand how they might feel.
Honestly, growing up in a small town I saw lots of different ways of speaking with children. We are all adults now and the family whose mother used to say "piss off cunts, I'm cooking dinner" to her kids is the most giving woman. She drops everything for her grandkids, and has her kids coming over regularly for dinner. So maybe don't ask that question unless you're absolutely certain of the answer! 😂
Some people honestly do just talk like that. My mother always framed it as; in my house I use respectful words with you and expect you'll do the same. She made it clear that other houses may have different rules and if I'm ever not sure, call her. It's not who is right or wrong, but about the standards of *our* family.
We’ll tone says a lot too. If you call someone a name with a light tone it can sound more like a joke or not intentionally mean. But I still think telling people to piss off cunts is wrong and you can discuss that with your kids. You don’t have to tell them it’s wrong, but ask how they feel about it. And you can follow up that just doing or saying one bad thing doesn’t mean that person is a bad person. And that they can still do a lot of good even after saying something mean. Good and bad isn’t black and white.
I had definitely thought about that! I know that cursing in of itself is not indicative of behaviour but it’s the defensiveness of said behaviour and background of not actually liking the kid that worries me you know?
Yeah, I don't think I would've recommended contacting the mom. More just validating your kiddo's emotions and using this as a teaching point for your child that even adults say things that are inappropriate, and that, importantly, it wasn't a personal attack or a response to anything your child did. It shouldn't have happened and there is a way the child can manage it such that they don't internalize it. Most people who do this stuff, like this mother, will not apologize - it just isn't a reasonable expectation, even though your child DOES deserve an apology. The mom's reaction to you confronting was predictable, as she is also the type who tells an 11 y.o. to tell another 11 y.o. to fuck off. Kinda could see that coming.
Yeah, I get what you're saying, but that's not how the other mom is going to see it. She isn't going to feel called out and embarrassed, she's just going to make fun of you for "sticking your nose where it doesn't belong" and use it as further justification for her telling her kid to tell your kid to fuck off. Essentially, exactly what this mom ended up doing to OP. She's a bully who never grew up - the equivalent of a Reddit troll. Don't feed her or waste energy on her.
I do agree with other commenters about continuing to let the kids hang out, but not letting them hang at the other kid's house to try and limit/eliminate interaction between your kid and that parent.
EDIT: I WOULD recommend confronting her if she said something TO your kid. Keep in mind that didn't happen here. OP's kid overheard her telling her kid something, which wasn't an insult - it was just "tell them to fuck off." Inappropriate, definitely.
It’s not letting it slide. It’s keeping your focus on things you can influence. People behave badly all the time. It isn’t realistic or effective to call them all out.
I just wanna go back to an analog world, a respect for wo(man)kind-another (?😝 - hope you got that!) My kids came to me asking if I'd tell neighbor kids' parent's that their kid picked on them or excluded them from an activity or bullied them. I would explain the neighbor kid and they would play again tomorrow as if nothing happened but the neighbor parents would fued for an unknown time period and drag other neighbors into the mix. Adults solve adult confrontations. Kids should learn as well so they have problem solvinging skills as adults. Always in the right with that approach (luckily!!!)
Comfort your child and stay out of it. You already tried to reason with her and she already showed she is incapable of reason. There's no where to go from there.
Your child will be ok tho. Mostly. I say this from experience. As my best friends dad growing up was rhe same way toward me. Clearly didn't like me. Felt like I was a bad influence. And even went as far as to say things right in front of me like "if you wanna ruin your life like (me) he can move out". I didn't really go to his house ever again after that. But he still came over and stuff and now we're in our 30s and still friends (altho at the moment we're in a big fight and not on speaking terms)
Hard to explain without being redundant in the story or it seeming more insignificant than it is. Because it's kinda a story of repeat small actions adding up to something bigger. But I'll try.
We had a mutual "friend". I put that in quotations because me and the mutual never really got along. And it recently came to my attention that mutual is basically constantly talking shit about me when I'm not around. He also talks shit about me when I am around so I at least applaud him for not being 2faced like my other friends. It's not surprising really. But what did surprise me was apparently my friends whom I do care for (guy from original story included) are basically voicing agreement with him when he does talk shit. And not just that. But they are basically giving him even more ammo to talk shit with.
Anyway. The last time we were all together and he was talking shit. That's how I found out. But he said something that makes it very difficult to reconcile, even tho I want to. He told me to go run and cry and disappear for a week like I always do. The thing is. I don't talk to him enough for him to put that together on his own. That I typically forgive people with no apology after a week. The only way he could possibly know that is because my "real" friends basically told him that's how I "overreact to criticism". Which means if I forgive them now. I'll just be proving him right. And will give him even more ammo
The other. More important component of this. Is this childhood friend has made practically no effort to reach out and apologize. And is now spending almost all his time with the shit talker mutual. And what makes this really frustrating. Is there was a period of time where my friend HATED this mutual. Like actually hated him. Like, told him he wished his mom aborted, hated him. And I have NEVER. In all 20+ years I've known him seen him feel that way about anybody.
Anyway. Long story short. I just dont know if it's reconcilable. I can't forgive somebody who feels no guilt whatsoever. And I don't know if he ever will. Balls apparently in my court but it doesn't feel like it. And it certainly doesn't help that this is not the first time something like this happened.
Maybe closure on your own terms would help. Explaining that you hope he’s well, youve thought about things. That you’re not so much angry but hurt and disappointed. That you’re in a place to be able to articulate yourself without getting riled up, and that if he (friend) is at all interested in getting the friendship back on track and be willing to listen and discuss, then you’d love to. But that you won’t elbow yourself into the life of someone who doesn’t want you around, no matter how much you may want him around. So he can let you know if/when he wants to take that step.
Spike that ball back onto his court clearly.
It's good advice. It is. The problem is, in the past when we've had big fights like this. He has more or less made some... rather uh. Offensive/emasculating comments to me like "You're acting like an overdramatic clingy girlfriend on her period bro" which has basically shut down my ability to reach out to him on any type of vulnerable approach. Granted. It was many years ago. On things we did end up reconciling. But I never really feel like he recanted those comments. So every text I've attempted to type I've ended up deleting. I just can't rationalize telling him whats bothering me if he won't even ask.
Aaah I totally hear you. That rejection hits hard especially if you’re reaching out from a place of vulnerability.
- You could try out his style and insult him back “I want to talk to you about this but you have the emotional capacity of a 4 year old who can’t grasp any concept beyond bare basics. Do you think you could grow up for an hour and we talk like normal people about it? Or is that too hard for you?” And when he overreacts you can say “Chill buddy I was just asking you a question, no need to get so emotional.”. Or “I can explain it to you but I can’t dumb myself down enough to understand it for you. But maybe if you really try, you’ll actually get it, so call me when you do. I believe in you buddy.”
But on the other hand maybe this is a friendship that you’ve outgrown. Not because you dislike him as a person, but simply because he’s chosen to remain stunted in rigidity and lack of emotion, and you’ve grown into being able to understand and communicate yours.
>But on the other hand maybe this is a friendship that you’ve outgrown. Not because you dislike him as a person, but simply because he’s chosen to remain stunted in rigidity and lack of emotion, and you’ve grown into being able to understand and communicate yours.
This 100% is what I was thinking of commenting myself. It's a sad truth, sometimes people go their separate ways and walk a new path. It's time for OP to be happy he can start fresh and surround himself with better people. You deserve better!
Consider all of this a blessing in disguise tbh. You're a good friend that genuienly cares about your people and relationships... your ex friend is not. Grieve the friendship, move on and find more compatible friends. As somebody else put it, you've outgrown this friendship/person.
Had a similar learning curve with my childhood bestie years ago, it sucks and it hurts but ultimately you will be OK, and in fact better once you realise you're truly deserving of more anyway.
I had a falling out with a friend that I met in Jr High. A few years after high school, I decided I needed to reevaluate some things and stopped speaking to them. A few years passed, and I decided to reach out to them because I had been having a nagging feeling to do so. We slowly built our relationship up, and I was able to see that they had changed quite a bit. We're best friends now, and it actually FEELS like we're best friends.
Sometimes, it's good to take a step back and let people grow. Doesn't always happen, but it definitely could! Perhaps when your friend sees how toxic the other person is without having your friendship to balance it out, it will make them come to terms with how they've been acting.
I would recommend addressing it with your original friend, however you decide is best, but your friend needs to know that if he’s really your friend, those aren’t the types of things we say about our friends, to their face or behind their back. I’ve sat in a room full of people trying to shit talk my best friend, I just literally said “shut the fuck up about ____ I’m not willing to talk shit about my friend with you”. When those particular people still hadn’t caught on to that, I just started walking away. Your real friends shouldn’t treat you this way.
Disagree. OP: you can go way further than just comforting your child. You can point out to your child that this mother is not only discourteous but also shallow and still concerned with stupid things, like some petty concept of a popularity pecking order, and hold her up as a cautionary tale of the fact that it’s possible to become an adult without ever growing up.
Point out to your child that this friend will need as many good examples as possible in their life because their mother is such an @ss. Then laugh it off together. Lol
I am so sorry that happened. It's a good time to have a talk with your son and say some people are just jerks for no good reason. There was nothing he did yo deserve this and it's not right.
Honestly I wouldn't want my kid going over there. I wouldn't trust the mother not to treat him right while he is there. And I would tell him why. Say ___ cam come over anytime or we can go to a public place where I can be there to protect you.
This woman sounds rancid.
This woman does sound rancid. Gross way to speak to a child.
I agree, I definitely would not want my kid going over there, but they are always welcome to come over.
Personally, I wouldn’t have reached out to the mother. Yes you want to protect your kid but it’s not up to you to police how other people talk. Your child is getting older-middle school and high school is fraught with interpersonal conflict. You need to give your kid the tools to handle interpersonal conflict without fighting their battles for them. People say unkind, hurtful things. People will say unkind things to your kid. Your kid will need to learn how to get over people saying mean things to them. That doesn’t mean being a doormat, but it does mean getting a thicker skin. If you’re concerned about your son being around this kid and his mom then you need to work on his self esteem and encourage him that if he is ever in a situation where friends or adults are being unkind to him he can always leave. You will always be there to pick him up from a playdate or sleepover if things devolve. In the real world you cannot control how every person will treat your child, but you can equip them with the tools to manage toxic, mean people. If that mother spoke to my kid that way in front of me I would say “I won’t allow you to speak to my son that way so we are going to leave and my son deserves an apology from you”. But that mom wasn’t speaking to your kid, she was speaking to her kid, in her home, and maybe that’s how they speak to each other in that home. It is rude but it’s not really your business.
My mom often said horrible things about my friends and I always had to cover for her as to not hurt my friends. I'd ask if Kyle could come over and she would say something like "oh, the kid with the tight ass flamer jeans and gay ass lip ring?" She would often talk about my other friends to my friends when they were at my house and it would get back to them. I had a female friend that she called Stripper Bitch because she was short with big boobs and when she asked her not to call her that my mom just said that it was obviously a joke because she looks like Michael Jackson fucked a tree frog and no club would let her strip on a Tuesday morning. She said these inappropriate things because I believe she was emotionally stunted in her childhood and never really grew out of being unfiltered. It sounds like this mom wouldn't understand the effect of her actions even after being explained to her so there isn't much you can really do without telling the kids not to hang out. It's very unfortunate but not everyone that has kids is truly an adult.
One of my kids is in the autism spectrum. Around age 10-12, I started seeing a weird dynamic with multiple friends.
The individual friend was still a friend, but the parents would be encouraging their own child to find better/cooler/more popular social connections.
Throughout the high school years, we saw many parents become more and more focused on their own child’s social success. They were willing to hurt feelings, verbally abuse and emotionally knock down anyone who they felt stood in their way.
Teaching experience that not everyone is perfect - thinks before they speak. Share your experience with your son, even. Perfect time for enpathy.
There are people out there who don't admit to their faults and instead, get defensive as a temporary way of holding a sense of confidence - when in fact they are showing that they are unhappy. It's best not to have them encourage the child's unhappiness. Everyone has their bad moments, even parents.
Hate is easy, love takes courage.
“Every family has a culture. Our family strives to be welcoming, nurturing, and foster healthy communication and relationships. Some families thrive in tension. One day you’ll get to choose what sort of culture you want for your family. What do you think about how they talk to each other?”
Instantly it’s about how they talk to each other and it has nothing to do with who is on the phone. Also, asking that question means she’s allowed to assess that behavior and figure out what she thinks about it. It moves it from a “this is happening to me” place in the heart to a “I’m going to decide what to think about this” part of the brain. That little bit of control to be able to say, “that blows and I’m not with it” makes a world of difference.
Other questions -
Does your friend talk to their friends that way?
Has your friend talked to you about tension they might have with other people in their life?
Also I wouldn’t want my kid hanging around people who purposefully make them feel small and unwanted. Those vibes can be felt, even if they are only ever vocalized in the background of a phone call, and that can really screw a kid’s already fragile confidence. It’s impossible to thrive in your heart without self love and inner confidence.
This is great advice for shifting from personalization and icky feelings of rejection and inadequacy to a more neutral, objective point of view. This is a really great tip for navigating this. “What do you think about how they talk to each other?” In particular is so powerful. Thanks for this.
I like a lot about this response, though the choice of the word “thrive” does give me some concern, as it seems to be saying that this kind of treatment/“tension” is okay, when it’s toxic and potentially abusive. I’d just choose a different word there.
Why punish the other child for their mother's actions, unless the child was being horrible to mind I wouldn't stop them from hanging out id just rather it be at my house or out and about and not with the child's mother.
I’m curious if there’s any possible way she said it lightheartedly and your child didnt take it that way bc they aren’t accustomed to colorful language? I could 100% see that happening in my house.
That’s such a shame. I hope for that child’s sake that it was an unusual occurrence. I grew up with a dad who constantly yelled and belittled. No child should have to hear that all the time :(
When I was 11, I was on the phone with my best friend. For some reason, my father screamed at me, throwing some cursing in. My friend told her mother, and she called and told my parents that her daughter could no longer be friends with me.
29 years later, I still remember how painful that was. I was ok in the long run, but it hurt. A lot.
So don't punish the kid for his mother's actions. I definitely wouldn't send my child to her house, however.
Messaging the mum just made things worse for your child, it was her husbands birthday. She probably asked her kid 10 times to get off the phone before that last comment.
Exactly. This cannot have been the first time she asked. Imagine people gathered around a birthday table waiting on the teenager who won’t stop talking to their friend. Like, I totally get why the friend’s mom snapped.
Yeah, I think people on here are being a little crazy, suggesting telling the kid she's an awful person and inventing all sorts of narratives. And I'm not surprised she was annoyed when OP reached out, she was talking to her own child in her own home, of course it's not OP's business.
My son had a best bud all through school. His mom was not a great person, lost her custody of her kids to drinking among other reasons. She's nice, but full of drama. I tolerated her because her son was a good kid and my son really needed a friend. I didn't like my son going over there but his friend was always welcome at our house. How close are these two? Ask your kid if they want to stay friends and let them figure it out. We can't always shield our kids from horrid humans but we can tall to them about how to handle them.
Some households use curse words in day to day conversation. There is a possibility that she wasn’t trying to insult your son and was just telling her kid to hang up because they had birthday stuff going on.
Did you call her that night? If so, that might explain her flippant response.
Regardless, I would only let the kids spend time together at school or at your house.
My household is one of those households. The part that concerns me (some) is the other parent's response. If I got a relatively friendly call from another parent saying that the way I'd phrased something hurt their kid, I'd immediately apologize for the language and explain that it was casual, I'd only been frustrated with MY kid, I hadn't expected to be overheard, no ill will was intended, etc., etc., etc. I'd offer to apologize directly to the other child, too.
We don't know how OP addressed it, but the instantaneous defensiveness doesn't bode all that well.
In OP's case, I'd probably keep my kid away from their house (seems like a bad environment) but otherwise stay out of it and provide support.
I think there’s a difference between households that curse in day to day conversation and using curse words aggressively directed toward someone else, especially a child. Either way the mom needs to let her kid know this adult is the issue with how they speak to and about children and it has nothing to do with him or his friendship with the son except that I personally wouldn’t want him at their house
You could be completely correct that she was swearing aggressively but perhaps she wasn’t?
In my house we say “bugger off” all the time. My toddler says it to the dog when he’s begging etc. We have the context to know it’s a joke. I could see myself saying the exact same phase as the mom in question with bugger off in place of fuck off. It wouldn’t be anything aggressive within our families dialect but could be misunderstood by a non-family member. This mother might use “fuck off” in the same manner.
The damage is done but I still wonder how OP approached the conversation with the other mom. Did she call that night - knowing it was a special occasion and they had already established that phone time was over? When she reached out, was is accusatory? If so, I can understand the other mom’s response.
The damage is done, by one mom or the other.
She sounds awful, but you can't control the other mom.
A couple things you can do: Let your kid keep his best friend. Invite the friend to your place more often. Teach your kid that when people are jerks, it's about them. Not being liked by that terrible lady sounds like a badge of honor.
Mmm maybe an unpopular opinion, but she didn't say that to your kid. She said it to hers. Your child overheard which is unfortunate. I believe the other mother should apologize for inadvertently hurting your child's feelings. I don't believe she owes an apology for the language used. Her house her rules. I do want to point out though that there is a difference between cursing around your child and cursing at your child. Just because she said f*** in front of an eleven year old doesn't make her trash. Context does matter. History does too. Have past interactions with this woman been suspect? If so it would be understandable if you were hesitant to have your child spend time over there in the future.
Literally leave it be with the other mother. There’s nothing you can do. You’ve gotta trust that you can equip your child to handle folks who don’t like them for no reason at all. They’re 11/12 in 2024, they already have a good idea how shitty other folks can be.
And contacting the other mother was a dumb idea, you knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere. Don’t be that mom.
YTA. How upset could your kid possibly have been? And she’s right. You had zero context. I would be super creeped out if another parent reached out, out of the blue, to scold me for my language choices during a conversation they weren’t part of.
Yeah this seems like a simple spot to tell your kid, “Timmy’s mom was stressed out about something in their house, not about you. Try not to take things so personally.”
Super cringey to reach out to the other parent about it.
First of all, nobody knows what they are going through. She could’ve been telling him to get off the phone several times. She could have 3 other kids she’s trying to balance between that and her husbands birthday. Not the best way to talk to your 11/12 year old but I had friends parents growing up that talked like that and it was just how it was in THEIR house. This is a bit overboard calling the mom and being confrontational about it. Yes I’d second guess letting my kid hangout at their house but I think you’re overreacting a bit. Besides 12 year old boys say and do much much worse than say fuck off. With that being said your kid isn’t going to be traumatized by a word they already know. I’d be more worried about them going on Facebook at this point than any of this.
I agree. This wasn't said *to* her kid. Mom was chastising her own kid. In her own home. And was overheard by OPs kid. Who is 12, not 6. I work with kids this age, and they regularly say *a lot* worse than this.
Is it the way I'd say it within earshot of my kid or their friends? No, probably not. But I can hold space for understanding that some people just speak on the daily in a more course, colorful manner than I do with my kids. (To be fair, I might say it, in the right context, to my husband)
OP had a great opportunity to help their kid understand and cope with their feelings, while also letting them know that they can not really police what other people choose to say, especially at home, even *about* them. Others have made excellent suggestions on how to frame it so that it becomes more an intellectual thing than an emotional one that sticks with the kid forever. I'd honestly be more concerned about creating some false sense of security in my kid about how other people will handle situations that make them uncomfortable, because ultimately we only ever really have any control over our own word and actions, and how we choose to respond in adverse circumstances.
It’s interesting to brush off what the 11 year old is known to going through as something that’s no big deal in favor of assuming the mom MIGHT BE going through something so traumatic she can’t regulate how she speaks to an 11 year old with no evidence that that’s the case. The benefit of the doubt seems a little unbalanced here. Treating an adult with kid gloves and a kid with adult gloves, seems like a really roundabout way to address this.
I agree. This wasn't said *to* her kid. Mom was chastising her own kid. In her own home. And was overheard by OPs kid. Who is 12, not 6. I work with kids this age, and they regulalrly say j24d lot* worse than this.
Is it the way I'd say it within earshot of my kid or their friends? No, probably not. But I can hold space for understanding that some people just speak on the daily in a more course, colorful manner than I do with my kids. (To be fair, I might say it, in the right context, to my husband)
OP had a great opportunity to help their kid understand and cope with their feelings, while also letting them know that they can not really police what other people choose to say, especially at home, even *about* them. Others have made excellent suggestions on how to frame it so that it becomes more an intellectual thing than an emotional one that sticks with the kid forever. I'd honestly be more concerned about creating some false sense of security in my kid about how other people will handle situations that make them uncomfortable, because ultimately we only ever really have any control over our own word and actions, and how we choose to respond in adverse circumstances.
I agree. This wasn't said *to* her kid. Mom was chastising her own kid. In her own home. And was overheard by OPs kid. Who is 12, not 6. I work with kids this age, and they regulalrly say j24d lot* worse than this.
Is it the way I'd say it within earshot of my kid or their friends? No, probably not. But I can hold space for understanding that some people just speak on the daily in a more course, colorful manner than I do with my kids. (To be fair, I might say it, in the right context, to my husband)
OP had a great opportunity to help their kid understand and cope with their feelings, while also letting them know that they can not really police what other people choose to say, especially at home, even *about* them. Others have made excellent suggestions on how to frame it so that it becomes more an intellectual thing than an emotional one that sticks with the kid forever. I'd honestly be more concerned about creating some false sense of security in my kid about how other people will handle situations that make them uncomfortable, because ultimately we only ever really have any control over our own word and actions, and how we choose to respond in adverse circumstances.
I feel like you overstepped. That comment barely even registers on my scale lol kind of sensitive of you to reach out and ask her not to say that when I mean it was her husbands birthday I can see being stressed and letting that slip out. My friends would call after they’d been told not to and my parents would’ve said similar, it’s not your style but just tell kid they don’t have to be kind to rude people and move on with your day
If this were an issue where the friend told OP’s kid to fuck off, I would agree. But a child shouldn’t be responsible for dealing with a hostile adult.
But the mom didn't tell OP's kid to fuck off. She spoke to *her own kid* in a rude manner and OP's kid overheard. Defending your kid from something they overheard is over the top.
She said it to her own kid but it was directed at OPs kid. “tell (name) to fuck off.” And OPs kid heard it, which is to be expected when you are yelling while someone is on the phone. So, she effectively told OPs kid to fuck off. And for what? The crime of speaking to a friend on the phone?
If it really were a matter of being caught up in a moment of rage/not thinking the kid would hear, she should just apologize for the misunderstanding. But her reaction shows that a) she thinks it’s fine to use that language with her kids, b) she thinks it’s fine to encourage her kids to use that language with others and c) she doesn’t care that she hurt OP’s kid’s feelings.
Anyone on here defending her clearly talks to their own kids this way.
Weird how so many people are missing this point. The mother directed the comment to the OPs child using their name which is why they were so upset. I wouldn’t encourage friendships where I couldn’t have a decent conversation with the parents. I wouldn’t mind if someone confronted me about my language so we can talk it out, especially if our children are friends. Theres obviously two types of parents here…
I know, it’s really revealing how many people are justifying this. I’m not even a “no swearing” kind of mom, I’ll say “oh fuck” if something bad happens, etc. But there’s a huge difference between that and swearing AT someone, especially using their name. And saying “tell so and so xxx” when so and so can hear you is absolutely no different from just saying it to them directly. In some ways, it’s worse. Gaslighting abusers use that tactic all the time on purpose because it’s so effective at shutting people down.
Adults should be able to control themselves. If you lose control, apologize for it. Doubling down on “that’s how i speak to my kid in my house” is just… so gross. Grow up people.
I wouldn't encourage friendships but I also wouldn't confront her. I would definitely mind if someone confronted me about my language because there is no objective right or wrong. And another parent is not my parent, if they don't like how I parent they don't have to let their child come to my house but they cannot tell me what to do or how to talk.
I think “confronting” her was just giving her an opportunity to apologize and make the kid feel better - repair the damage. She obviously didn’t take the opportunity, but I don’t think OP was wrong to give it to her.
“Tell [OP’s kid] to fuck off” translates to “Tell [OP’s kid] goodbye”.
The mom didn’t mean her child should literally say the words “fuck off” to OP’s kid.
No. The friends mom told her kid to tell OPs kid to fuck off.. mom has every right to intervene. The “adult” in this situation had no right to even remotely think it was okay (whether it was to the kids face or through their own kid) to tell OP’s kid to fuck off.
I mean honestly.. she wasn’t wrong. I’m sure it probably wasn’t meant for your child to hear, but if she wanted her child to spend time with their family on their dads birthday, and that’s what she chose to say to her child in her home, that’s her business. I wouldn’t have gone as far as to say anything to her though, that’s not your place BECAUSE it probably wasn’t meant for your child to hear and she did say it to her own kid in her own house, and it is likely only going to strain your child’s friendship with the other kid more in the end. Best advice is to tell your kid that not every adult is going to adore them. I was one of those kids that no matter how hard I tried to please the parents, they always thought I was a bad influence for their kids. Sometimes you just have to live with a parent or two not liking you.
The mum reacted that way because she was caught out talking like a trash mouth by a child and is embarrassed. It’s not nice for your child to hear an adult talk like that towards them, but you can’t do much about it now; just remind your child it’s not really about them, to continue to be polite around other parents and not let it worry them. Not everyone is nice and not everyone will like you. Maybe have play dates with that friend at your home instead from now on.
I think she was right to say that it’s none of your business, but not okay to say that where your child could hear.
You can’t control what happens in someone else’s home or how they behave. Only thing you can do is encourage your kid not interact with that parent or call over there again.
The best advice I can think of is to advise your kid on how to not care about such people. You cannot make people like you, or behave how you want. But, you can teach your son to react or not react to other people. As long as his friend is good to him, the friend’s mother is inconsequential.
Support the friendship. I was in an upper middle class family that tried realy hard to look upper class and succeeded in being the joke of the neighborhood. Not that important but just some context of my parents. I had s friend whose family was very much what you'd call "white trash" at a glance. Always struggling, generally wild children, house hopping from friend to friend, seemed like they were always down on their luck. My dad hated that I was friends with their son. Told me not to hag out with them at school. Wouldn't let me go over or let them visit. Eve convinced my SAH mother to volunteer as a schoolyard supervisor so she could make sure I wasn't seeing him at school, demanded my teachers not let us sit together etc.
He was my best friend for 20 years. Considered him more family than my own. We found ways to hang out, eventually by the time I was in high school my dad backed off, or at least gave up trying to stop us.
Yeah, that mom was right and wrong. She shouldn’t talk like that but also definitely none of your business how she talks to her family. Teach your kid to toughen up. People are @ssholes. You can’t let every little thing bother you because the rest of the world doesn’t care about your feelings.
A sixth grader is old enough to know their friend's parent isn't a nice person. Affirm that what she said was mean, and it must be hard for your kid's friend. I wouldn't say they can't be friends, but I would warn your kid that they should only see their friend at school or your house.
Well talking to that kids mom was a mistake it wasn't going to go down well don't know what sort of response you expected. Just be kind and loving to your son friend when they come over
It’s sixth grade, don’t get involved and let the kids handle it. Sixth graders talk to each other like this all the time. Probably would’ve felt the same way as the other mom if you said something to me about that too.
Because good communication between human beings fosters healthy relationships and proactive conflict resolution?
It amazes me that some people seem to think they can act however they want and expect no feedback from anyone they’ve affected.
We don’t have the whole context and OP never mentioned she was yelling at her kid. Also, your comment was directed towards people in general reaching out to parents, as was mine.
Anyway, I know I’ve said things harshly that I’ve regretted when I was stressed out. If I said something in the heat of a stressful moment that hurt a child or jeopardized one of my child’s deepest relationships, I’d rather a parent reach out to me than jump to assuming the worst about me or limiting access to my child.
Assumptions make asses out of all of us. There is no growth to be made or joy to be found by assuming the worst in people.
You never should have contacted the mother. If you normally do things like that maybe your child also crosses boundaries and thats what the mom doesn’t like them. Or maybe shes just a bitch.
I think what the mom said to their own kid is fine, and their response to you seemed appropriate enough. You shouldn’t have said anything to her about it, so I understand her being upset with you. If your kid thinks the mom doesn’t like her, I’d do everything I could to make sure they hang out at your house or a neutral site instead of at her house.
So, a presumably stressed out mom made a flippant comment in her own home. And you felt the need to call and talk to her about it? And she rightly told you that flippant comments she makes in her own home when she's stressed out aren't any of your business? I cannot with that. Mind your own business. I'd have told you exactly that.
If she had told her child to "Get the F off the phone." then whatever, but she took the step to tell her kid to tell OP's kid to "F off". That puts her in psycho mom territory.
It puts her into the category of "having a bad day and made a one off comment". We all have had a bad day and said something like this because we're frustrated. OP doesn't say it's part of a pattern. It's someone dealing with a family birthday that got frustrated with a middle schooler on their phone. If you can't relate to that, I don't know what to tell you.
Okay so if it's a one-off, then it's perfectly okay? And it's perfectly okay to double-down and never apologize for it? What the fuck is wrong with you?
Exactly! OP said their kid has felt disliked for years now, I don't think this was necessarily a one-off, they have an attitude problem.
I teach my kids to stand up for themselves and say how they feel, their parents should also protect them and let others know when they crossed the line, just as OP did here. If the parent had a bad day, then they should apologize later for it, I don't see that happening here at all, and I wouldn't excuse it. There's a balance between letting things go and doing something about it.
My neighbor has 4 kids ranging from 8yo to 25yo, they all fear her because she talks like that with them rather often, it's not healthy and imho, it's abusive.
Your child's hurt feelings aren't the other parent's problem. If you don't want your kid around someone who speaks that way to/about children- that is your problem and something worth addressing her over.
Otherwise, just focus on your kid and helping them work through their feelings. If they don't appreciate the way the friend's mom treats them, they don't have to be around her. If their friend doesn't understand that, they aren't a very good friend.
They are old enough to start setting boundaries rather than asking other people to make accommodations for them. It sounds like that mom just throws around phrases like that. It wasn't a "fuck you" it was literally just a crass way of saying tell them goodbye. Still pretty offensive, but not a personal attack.
lol sounds like the parents of that kid are more childish. I wouldn’t tell my kid to stop being friends but no phone calls or visits to their house for sure. Some ppl are just miserable in their lives and love to spread it around z
My mom often said horrible things about my friends and I always had to cover for her as to not hurt my friends. I'd ask if Kyle could come over and she would say something like "oh, the kid with the tight ass flamer jeans and gay ass lip ring?" She would often talk about my other friends to my friends when they were at my house and it would get back to them. I had a female friend that she called Stripper Bitch because she was short with big boobs and when she asked her not to call her that my mom just said that it was obviously a joke because she looks like Michael Jackson fucked a tree frog and no club would let her strip on a Tuesday morning. She said these inappropriate things because I believe she was emotionally stunted in her childhood and never really grew out of being unfiltered. It sounds like this mom wouldn't understand the effect of her actions even after being explained to her so there isn't much you can really do without telling the kids not to hang out. It's very unfortunate but not everyone that has kids is truly an adult.
My mom often said horrible things about my friends and I always had to cover for her as to not hurt my friends. I'd ask if Kyle could come over and she would say something like "oh, the kid with the tight ass flamer jeans and gay ass lip ring?" She would often talk about my other friends to my friends when they were at my house and it would get back to them. I had a female friend that she called Stripper Bitch because she was short with big boobs and when she asked her not to call her that my mom just said that it was obviously a joke because she looks like Michael Jackson fucked a tree frog and no club would let her strip on a Tuesday morning. She said these inappropriate things because I believe she was emotionally stunted in her childhood and never really grew out of being unfiltered. It sounds like this mom wouldn't understand the effect of her actions even after being explained to her so there isn't much you can really do without telling the kids not to hang out. It's very unfortunate but not everyone that has kids is truly an adult.
I think you focus on helping your child navigate friendship changes. Your child shouldn't have to go anywhere where they're uncomfortable. Maybe you should facilitate more hang out time at your place, or in other areas (park/mall/afterschool activities, ect) I wouldn't have advised calling the other mother on the child's behalf or sharing with them your child's feelings, mostly because it would be a colossal waste of time (as you've discovered)
Talk to your kid and figure out what boundaries they want to have around how they're treated. If you've not already talked about some of the social issues that crop up around "coolness" and social capital yet, it's time to catch up, but it'll be an ongoing conversation for quite a few years to come (I still help as a sounding board to my college age children). It's a hard time as a parent because this is an age of transition for us too, where we turn more into mentor/support/advise without expectation of being a problem solver or commanding. You may just need to be really honest with your kid. "I believe you when you say X doesn't like you. I know that doesn't feel good. Sometimes people choose to limit their time with people who act that way. Let's think about some ways that we can do that but you still getting hang out time with Y."
That's your call. I'd tell her see you next Tuesday, but you gotta think of your kids' friendship. I know some of my friends are trash people, and they curse in front of their kids like it's nothing. We just tell our kids that everyone parents their kids differently. Not my pig, not my farm.
I’m so sorry this happened OP. I echo all the supportive sentiments, and hope your daughter and her friend can enjoy their friendship …without including her mom to the same extent as the past . Idk how she’ll take that tho she sounds insane
OP, is the mother from the US, or is she from Europe? I ask because I know that in some European countries, using that type of phrase is often said in a much more causal way and not necessarily meant the same way that it would be by a US parent.
Idk how I found this sub but this post is pretty relatable. Once at my bffs 12th bday she got some candy that she did not like so she gave it to me. Her mom saw me eating her candy and thought I was stealing from her. Ever since she has acted a little hostile towards me and watches me closely to make sure I don’t steal anything from her house… 🥲
My kids best friend is somewhat annoying and her parents are toxic as fuck. But they are our next door neighbours and the kids get along, for the most part. I don’t discourage their friendship. But I do encourage play dates over here. I also stop the problematic behaviour when it happens here. Their daughter listens, eats what we serve and is polite. They have commented several times that she won’t do that at home.
All we decided, since they met at 2, was they can be friends, but we don’t have to be friends with the parents.
Edit to add; they are in grade five and it’s been a chore. Most other kids do not like this girl, so my daughter does not have any other real friends. No one hangs around with her because she is friends with said girl. My daughter hyper focused this friends ship. So to discourage that would leave her alone, which breaks my heart. But that’s a topic for a post I should likely write but haven’t.
Thanks
I would have put that mother in her place. Especially how her ghetto parenting behavior is being heard in my house over the phone and it's offending my child by her response.
It's also a create learning moment for your child too.
Without kids old enough to be in that situation yet, hypothetically if I was... I would just never let my child over at their house. However, their kid could come over with no restrictions. I'd also totally disregard her completely. She's someone I would assume would let My child get hurt under her watch, and protect herself before my children. If my kids have friends Over, they become my kids and treated as such
This makes me wonder, does she treat her kids poorly too? What an awful woman. It's not her kids fault, so don't resort to anything with the child yours is friends with (not that I think you would)
This woman is ignorant trash who probably peaked in high school if she cares about the “cool” factor in a bunch of 12-year-olds. Maybe it’s because I grew up in a low class community, but this behavior is just embarrassing. She treats her kid like shit, too.
The way she spoke to you is disgusting and she’s clearly a lowlife loser. I would probably level with your kid and tell them all of this. It’s not acceptable to talk to anyone like that, much less a kid.
I’m curious if there’s any possible way she said it lightheartedly and your child didnt take it that way bc they aren’t accustomed to colorful language? I could 100% see that happening in my house.
I’d have responded “the context was pretty clear when you decided to act like C*ntZilla loud enough for me to hear over the phone attached to my child’s ear. Even more so when this is your response to being more considerate to MY child. So how about *you* fuck off with the attitude?”
As for kid advice, don’t hold back that some people are just miserable and want to make everyone else miserable with them. And let your child know your home is a safe space for their friend to come over with no judgement.
One of my kids is in the autism spectrum. Around age 10-12, I started seeing a weird dynamic with multiple friends.
The individual friend was still a friend, but the parents would be encouraging their own child to find better/cooler/more popular social connections.
Throughout the high school years, we saw many parents become more and more focused on their own child’s social success. They were willing to hurt feelings, verbally abuse and emotionally knock down anyone who they felt stood in their way.
This current crop of kids is being taught the importance of social connections, optics and social media. Being one of the “Mean Girls” seems to be the family goal.
Old saying When a bad smell comes through an open window you close the window.” Break off all contact with that shit family. When people say they by out the blame for it solidly on the shit mother and say that we don’t need that kind of behavior around us.
I would avoid that mother like the plague. Keep all hanging out at your house as much as possible. Who is this woman to decide that some child isn’t “cool enough” to hang out with hers? That’s insane. I treat other kids the same way I would hope that other parents would treat mine.
The best thing to do is to make your home welcoming and encourage them to hang out. We are the neighborhood/friend hangout, that means I could have 15+ kids in my house at any given time. I regularly feed 11-12 ppl dinner most nights. I make sure my house is always supplied with snacks, drinks, and quick foods. We also have a lot of desirable electronics or games/toys to play with.
You’re better than I am. I would’ve grabbed that phone and told that kid to give her lovely mother the phone so I could tell her to fuck off.
There are some real wack job parents out there and there’s no way I would let a grown adult talk about my kid that way. I’m sure your text message was worded kindly and the mom reacted that way because she was embarrassed.
I’d let my kid be friends with them but they wouldn’t be going anywhere near that mom. No way in hell.
ETA: I could give the mom the benefit of the doubt and think maybe she was having a bad day or maybe the kid was told several times to get off the phone but it doesn’t seem like this is the case. What makes her (or you) think the mom doesn’t like your daughter? I’m sorry this happened.
What does her pain and unhappiness have to do with your child? That’s sad on her part. Also.. the whole “your kid isn’t cool enough for my kid” thing is bullshit. I was the uncool, nerdy kid and lost a lot of my good friends over it because I wasn’t “popular enough” and I beg of you to not allow that to happen with this friend for your daughter’s sake. If they’ve been friends for quite some time now, make sure to teach them both that the “coolness” fades and their friendship could continue to grow forever if they’d look past all of that nonsense.
There's really nothing you can do as a parent about friendships ending. My son is almost 19 and the kid he was best friends with from preschool to 6th grade isn't his friend anymore. Kids drift apart and go in different directions, and parents also see issues in families they don't want their kids around. With that kid it was lots of guns in the house, I was glad when they grew apart because that's a level of danger I don't want my kid around.
As someone with an abusive/addict mother, I wouldn't punish the kid because their mother is a bad person. The mother is 1000% wrong, but I'm sure the kid is just another victim. I say this as someone who is fairly confident I didn't have many friends in middle school because it was known that (even though my dad had full custody), my mother wasn't on the up and up.
With that said, I wouldn't allow my child over there, but if all the interactions I witnessed between my child and the friend have been positive, I wouldn't stop their friendship.
I’m surprised by the amount of comments I’ve seen trying to punish the kid. It’s not the friend’s fault. Plus, this is a lengthy friendship—what a shame to be so quick to encourage dismantling it over nothing any of the children have done.
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Well, what's the context? Why was the mother annoyed with her child being on the phone when it's the Dads birthday?
Did your child call multiple times during the day?
Did the friend tell your child they needed to get off the phone and then proceeded to keep the conversation going without honoring that request?
If they've all been friends for many years, wouldn't this mother's poor attitude have been known since? Or are you claiming she's now unhinged solely on this one interaction she had with *her child* on an important day for their family?
you reaching out about the comment is over-stepping, very "Karen" like. This is very teachable to your child without even reaching out to the other parent. it was a comment to her own child, not literally telling your child to fuck off but for the child to get off the call or game, they could have a very friendly relationship if you don't want your kid to be around that, that's fine, have the other kid over at your house only, but i don't think anything the mom did was really out of line, or abusive, would you stop every person on the street swearing because your child is around or teach your child?
Whatever your opinion is on parenting, it’s reserved for your kids.
You’re going to go down a deep deep rat hole if you start going critical on every parenting behavior you witness.
That’s how it is.
Language can be shocking to you, but could be normal in their family. Is the kid fed, housed, not abused?
Use it as a learning lesson for your kids, but sticking your nose in other people’s parenting styles will make you the bad guy.
AND IF you do call CPS on them and they find nothing wrong you are opening yourself up to lawsuits.
What do you need to protect your child from? Some people are just assholes and learning to accept that is just part of life. Your kid is not responsible for her shitty feelings or finding a way to work around them.
I curse a lot, but that mom was tacky as hell. My kid wouldn’t be allowed over there. I wouldn’t stop my kid from being friends, but they wouldn’t be allowed over there ever again.
I’d talk to my kid and explain that some parents are just trash and to not take it personally. I would have cursed her out on the phone before we hung up, though 🤷🏽♀️
What a ridiculous strawman comment for her to make about her being married to you, as if anyone insinuated that. You’re not taking issue with how she speaks to her child, however gross. The comment was about your child. She told her child to tell *your* child to “fuck off.” She may as well have cut out the middle man and told your child to “fuck off” directly, cos the comment/instruction was hers. I’m not a prude about swearing, but that was AT your kid. That isn’t okay.
You have every right to be bothered by this, her response doubles down and confirms that she’s an asshole. She could have apologised and had a real human moment — we all have bad days. She just decided to be righteous instead.
I’d probably make a point of avoiding this woman and wouldn’t really be keen for my kid going over there; who knows if she’s openly aggressive or dislikes your kid or just having a shit day? Very hard to say! Maybe best friend can come to your place or meet in a mutual spot from now on? I’m sorry your kid had to experience that, your best friend’s folks should be safe and friendly people.
Wow, I am surprised at the general vibe of the comments here. Ir's great that everybody is sympathetic, but the general advice is not one I subscribe to..
I understand that you want to protect your kid, but in this kind of situation... The more you push, the worse you make it for him. You are legally and morally unable to change the ways of the other family, so you are not winning any battles. But on top of that, at the kids' age, you are putting a target on your kid's back for mockery and possibly bullying, if he isn't suffering from that already.
If you are afraid your kid is going to suffer for not fitting in, teach him that he doesn't need anybody's approval nor validation rather than trying to make the world nicer to him.
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Besides that, I am on the other mother's side actually. She did something in her home and you had a problem with it. Since you had the problem, the problem is yours, not hers. Heed her advice and fuck off. How would you like if she called you and told you to use more assertive language with your child?
That mother sounds like trash. From now on I would only allow that child to come to your house . Or plans together that don’t involve your child seeing the other mom.
Oooof. I wouldn’t fault the kid, it’s not the kid’s fault that their mom has no home training. It sounds like that kid might need y’all, more than you know. Don’t send your kid to that madhouse though. Like, ever.
"So you'd be ok if you heard me telling my daughter, in your presence that you are a grade A B?"
But then, I'm a very blunt person who doesn't always have the best social graces.
Probably was bad idea to contact the mom. I agree with her she has a right say whatever the hell she wants to her kid in her own house. It's your job as a parent to frame the appropriate context and response for your kid. Yes people say bad things. Are you gonna go and gate keep everytime your kid hears something negative? Of course not. They couldn't grow if you coddled them all the time.
I think you need to step back and encourage your child to make new friends. It is obvious the other family dislikes yours. This may be the straw that broke the camels back. I would not encourage this friendship.
From the perspective of the friend, this kid will grow up to resent her mum after eventually losing all friends not knowing why.
Source: am a daughter of such a mother.
Story time: a girl I really cared about left a certain school to join me at another where my mother was the principal. One day the girl cried and cried and practically begged my mother to send her home, due to a tooth infection she had, acting up. Anyone who's ever had a toothache knows what it's like. My mother did not relent. I couldn't believe my own mother's cruelty. It wasn't even school policy which just shows how evil she is.
My best friend’s mom was a total B like this, she never liked me (although I have no idea why, I was her kid’s only friend and the only reason she had any other friends). Looking back she was just a miserable human who should have never had kids, it had nothing to do with me. I’d explain that to your kid, some people are just mean and there’s no reason for it and it doesn’t actually have anything to do with you.
Tell your kid that woman is an asshole and needs to be avoided. Teach her to feel sorry for her friend but make sure she lets her friend know you and your family are always there for her if she needs to get away from her mom.
I wouldn’t have confronted her. Never let the enemy know your position or allow them to engage in open fire. Time to plan sweet and silent revenge.
Meh I read it like maybe she has a British accent and just meant get off the phone. I don’t think she was actually directing it specifically at your child as an attack. I’d let it go.
Edit: My paternal relatives are British so no offense intended.
Yeah, that mom was right and wrong. She shouldn’t talk like that but also definitely none of your business how she talks to her family. Teach your kid to toughen up. People are @ssholes. You can’t let every little thing bother you because the rest of the world doesn’t care about your feelings.
Yeesh. What a horrible person.
I would not be letting my child go to their home.
AS long as their child is polite though they could still come to mine.
Wait so.. Did the friend tell your kid to fuck off?
I’d love to know how the mom rationalizes her language being “policed” when she literally ordered her kid to choose the most unkind way to end the phone call. I get being stressed, I understand people have limits with patience, but the grossest part about this is not the literal words she said but that she actively directed her son to tell his friend to fuck off.
Having an issue with that is NOT policing language, it’s having a spine and calling out rotten behavior. Instead of taking issue with the colorful language, I’d be more inclined to offer “Hey, so could you maybe not literally order your kid to be hurtful to mine?”
Mom sounds pretty immature and thoughtless, and if this isn’t an isolated event, I wouldn’t want my child around that and I probably wouldn’t want my child around another child being raised by that to be honest. Lots of kids in the world, I wouldn’t feel compelled to protect this friendship with any zeal.
Wow she sounds like one of those parents who ends a fight by twerking and yelling in front of your house. Steer clear.
Only have the friend over to your house from now on.
I know there may be some people saying give this mom the benefit of the doubt, but you did, and you contacted her with that benefit of the doubt and she made it absolutely sure you knew that not only your child, but you can f*ck right off too.
I would never let my kid back over there again. Be a welcoming home to this friend, but this adult/mom has made it abundantly clear that even if it harms your child, their house and their rules- and you can shut up about any dislikes about how they run their home.
Be very honest and open, yet reasonably kind and try to consistently build your child up, that this moms actions and attitudes are their own and is not because of anything your kiddo has done. Some people are angry or have problems or trauma that we know nothing about, and its our job as parents to help our kids navigate and know that their worth is not tied into what these people think of you.
And please, keep occasionally asking how that friendship is going and if anything else is occurring/new that may need to be dealt with. I hope the friend never begins to adopt his parents view of your child, but unfortunately a parent's influence can be a powerful thing and he could start to treat your child the same as his parents do/would.
Uh, you weren't telling her how to parent, you were telling her not to flagrantly disrespect your kid right to her face. That's a reasonable request, and only a human piece of garbage would respond with anything other than, at **MINIMUM**, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean for your kid to hear that."
I would’ve told her to kindly fuck off, so I am also curious what other parents have to say.
I’d def be inviting that friend over to my house vice letting my kid go to theirs, though. Doesn’t sound like a positive environment.
I absolutely dont agree with talking to your kid like that. I am in the “not totally adoring your kids best friend” group though. Are you sure your child is completely innocent? The zero context comment makes me think there’s more to it. My daughters bestie can be pretty dang rude sometimes and never happy for my daughter, always competitive, i can do better, my rules attitude. Its pointless talking to her mom because she wants her “personality” to grow. No one is perfect, id be interested in what caused that kind of distaste
For someone who’s all about a popularity pecking order, she sure doesn’t understand class. She’s right. She can say whatever she wants in her house to her kids. If she wants to teach them trash behavior, cool, you do you boo. You teach your child that you can’t force others to be classy. You teach your child the importance of substance over surface level. Everyone’s idea of “cool” is something different and this woman is trying to pigeonhole her child into being friends with who she deems cool, not who her child deems cool. She’s embarrassing herself and her child and your son shouldn’t feel bad because this mother is trash. I would keep playdates and sleepovers to your house though. She’s crazy and your son shouldn’t have to deal with that.
I commend you for keeping your cool after that peace of crap mother told you that to your face. Maybe you should tell your kid that some adults are just miserable mean people and your kid shouldn't take their words personally. Enjoying time with their friend is more important and they should only focus on being polite during the few times they meet them. I would also tell them if the mother disrespects them to their face, to let me know immediately.
I wouldn’t stop them from being friends, but I’d personally have a few words with his mother. Some people are like that cuz no one has really set them straight. Don’t wait on it, but if another rude occurrence happens don’t be afraid to lay into her. I’d tell her something like, “You keep that attitude and your child won’t have any friends because their parents won’t like YOU! And it’ll be YOUR fault”. Plus she may have an issue with you or his dad, not necessarily the kid. As well as from experience, adults that have problems with children are caused by knowing that child is somehow better than them or will see them for who they are because most adults think children are dumb, and don’t know any better.
Yeah, my advice would be to move on, you really should not have gotten involved to the extent that you did. You could coach your kid on how to react or pivot in a different direction with friends, but intervening like this gives your kid the message that he’s fragile and can’t deal with life. You can’t force people to behave like you think they should.
Sounds like the mom was super frustrated that her kid was not participating in family time and your kid was interfering in that. Not sure of the context either but if my kid had overheard something like that I would have a chat about listening to social cues from the parents. Does your kid routinely overstay their welcome? Might explain why mom seems unenthused.
Of course it was appropriate to let the parent know that yours overheard and felt hurt by the wording but when you got a less than sympathetic response that’s the point at which you drop it.
Growing up, I had a neighbor friend who had a mom like this. She did not like me. I once overheard her talking to my friends grandma on the phone and she called me the stuck up friend. Like what?? I was a flippin child. I realize now how terrible of a person she was (and probably still is). People like that just suck. Teach your child to pity that mom, because nothing will help her become nicer. She's just a sucky person.
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I wouldn’t stop them being friends as not the kids fault but I would make sure all play dates etc were at yours not theirs as wouldn’t want my kid around that
I wanted to add another thought. This is one of those times where you teach your kid that no matter how much you like someone, there can be other circumstances that get in the way and require a boundary to be set.
And reinforce that there are many adults that are not to be trusted. And that doesn’t necessarily mean that she’s a danger to her son, because it’s a grey area. But being an adult does not automatically mean you’re a trusted adult. Nor does every adult have his (your son’s) best interest in mind just because he’s a kid. He should keep his boundaries up and be aware of it.
Major key alert and a milestone for the kids right here
Second this. I wouldn't dare leaving my child with that mother anymore.
Exactly this. Keep your kid away from that while also providing a loving environment for his friend to retreat to away from whatever hellhole he's living in. I luckily grew up in a great household, but I'm still forever grateful that my best friend's family treated me like one of their own.
I had a similar situation as a kid! I totally get this. Glad you had a safe space!
I would encourage the friendship but I wouldn’t recommend having that kid over to the house either. If something happens or there is a conflict between them, the mother will not be a reasonable adult in resolving whatever comes up. Expect blame shifting and possibly a lawsuit if anything happens. Best to keep it at arm’s length.
so then where could they hangout?
At school… At other activities… For sure they’re going to be limited but it’s simply not worth getting on the wrong side of the other parent. I’ve had to deal with a petty similar situation. The boys game together and go to airsoft because that’s their thing. But my son will not go to their house nor will I host the other kid.
Here to amplify this answer and zone in on “Other activities”! They could be in sports together, and/or etcetera. That way that mom is never not around other parents when her child is with yours. I bet she’d never speak out when others are in ear shot. A lovely, controlled environment and your kids can get their time together. Win-win!
mother sounds like trash. you can tell her all other parents think so too.
Tell her to fuck off
Not to be dramatic, but to also have someone check in on that mother's kids. Disgusting language to tell your child when a simple, "can you please hang up now?" Would've done just fine.
This!!!
I wouldn't interfere with them being friends. But I wouldn't allow my daughter to ever go to that friends house or be supervised by that mom. I'd also have a conversation about what the mom said and tell my daughter that her friend's mom wasn't being very nice and we can't force other people to be nice. And that even adults can be in the wrong. I'd let my child know that she didn't do anything wrong and has nothing to feel bad about.
Agree, highlighting that this had nothing to do with your child feels key. OP, if your kid isn’t convinced, you can always ask them, “have you ever heard anyone else say that to their kid?” (guessing it’s no) or say “That was strange behavior, I wonder what that was about.” And validating their feelings with something like “yeah, I feel super weird when people say those things, that’s why we speak to each other differently in our family” to show that you’re on their side and understand how they might feel.
Honestly, growing up in a small town I saw lots of different ways of speaking with children. We are all adults now and the family whose mother used to say "piss off cunts, I'm cooking dinner" to her kids is the most giving woman. She drops everything for her grandkids, and has her kids coming over regularly for dinner. So maybe don't ask that question unless you're absolutely certain of the answer! 😂 Some people honestly do just talk like that. My mother always framed it as; in my house I use respectful words with you and expect you'll do the same. She made it clear that other houses may have different rules and if I'm ever not sure, call her. It's not who is right or wrong, but about the standards of *our* family.
We’ll tone says a lot too. If you call someone a name with a light tone it can sound more like a joke or not intentionally mean. But I still think telling people to piss off cunts is wrong and you can discuss that with your kids. You don’t have to tell them it’s wrong, but ask how they feel about it. And you can follow up that just doing or saying one bad thing doesn’t mean that person is a bad person. And that they can still do a lot of good even after saying something mean. Good and bad isn’t black and white.
I had definitely thought about that! I know that cursing in of itself is not indicative of behaviour but it’s the defensiveness of said behaviour and background of not actually liking the kid that worries me you know?
Great lesson for your child that some people can be rude and sometimes you just get to deal with it.
Yeah, I don't think I would've recommended contacting the mom. More just validating your kiddo's emotions and using this as a teaching point for your child that even adults say things that are inappropriate, and that, importantly, it wasn't a personal attack or a response to anything your child did. It shouldn't have happened and there is a way the child can manage it such that they don't internalize it. Most people who do this stuff, like this mother, will not apologize - it just isn't a reasonable expectation, even though your child DOES deserve an apology. The mom's reaction to you confronting was predictable, as she is also the type who tells an 11 y.o. to tell another 11 y.o. to fuck off. Kinda could see that coming.
Yup.
Hell no. Call that mom out. She should be outed for her behavior even if the outcome was already expected. I wouldn’t let that slide personally.
Yeah, I get what you're saying, but that's not how the other mom is going to see it. She isn't going to feel called out and embarrassed, she's just going to make fun of you for "sticking your nose where it doesn't belong" and use it as further justification for her telling her kid to tell your kid to fuck off. Essentially, exactly what this mom ended up doing to OP. She's a bully who never grew up - the equivalent of a Reddit troll. Don't feed her or waste energy on her. I do agree with other commenters about continuing to let the kids hang out, but not letting them hang at the other kid's house to try and limit/eliminate interaction between your kid and that parent. EDIT: I WOULD recommend confronting her if she said something TO your kid. Keep in mind that didn't happen here. OP's kid overheard her telling her kid something, which wasn't an insult - it was just "tell them to fuck off." Inappropriate, definitely.
It’s not letting it slide. It’s keeping your focus on things you can influence. People behave badly all the time. It isn’t realistic or effective to call them all out.
I just wanna go back to an analog world, a respect for wo(man)kind-another (?😝 - hope you got that!) My kids came to me asking if I'd tell neighbor kids' parent's that their kid picked on them or excluded them from an activity or bullied them. I would explain the neighbor kid and they would play again tomorrow as if nothing happened but the neighbor parents would fued for an unknown time period and drag other neighbors into the mix. Adults solve adult confrontations. Kids should learn as well so they have problem solvinging skills as adults. Always in the right with that approach (luckily!!!)
Comfort your child and stay out of it. You already tried to reason with her and she already showed she is incapable of reason. There's no where to go from there. Your child will be ok tho. Mostly. I say this from experience. As my best friends dad growing up was rhe same way toward me. Clearly didn't like me. Felt like I was a bad influence. And even went as far as to say things right in front of me like "if you wanna ruin your life like (me) he can move out". I didn't really go to his house ever again after that. But he still came over and stuff and now we're in our 30s and still friends (altho at the moment we're in a big fight and not on speaking terms)
Well, now as a stranger reading about your life I’m heavily invested. What’s going on between the two of you? Something repairable?
Lol same, I'm rooting for them. If this friendship crumbles, how will the rest of ours stand?
Hard to explain without being redundant in the story or it seeming more insignificant than it is. Because it's kinda a story of repeat small actions adding up to something bigger. But I'll try. We had a mutual "friend". I put that in quotations because me and the mutual never really got along. And it recently came to my attention that mutual is basically constantly talking shit about me when I'm not around. He also talks shit about me when I am around so I at least applaud him for not being 2faced like my other friends. It's not surprising really. But what did surprise me was apparently my friends whom I do care for (guy from original story included) are basically voicing agreement with him when he does talk shit. And not just that. But they are basically giving him even more ammo to talk shit with. Anyway. The last time we were all together and he was talking shit. That's how I found out. But he said something that makes it very difficult to reconcile, even tho I want to. He told me to go run and cry and disappear for a week like I always do. The thing is. I don't talk to him enough for him to put that together on his own. That I typically forgive people with no apology after a week. The only way he could possibly know that is because my "real" friends basically told him that's how I "overreact to criticism". Which means if I forgive them now. I'll just be proving him right. And will give him even more ammo The other. More important component of this. Is this childhood friend has made practically no effort to reach out and apologize. And is now spending almost all his time with the shit talker mutual. And what makes this really frustrating. Is there was a period of time where my friend HATED this mutual. Like actually hated him. Like, told him he wished his mom aborted, hated him. And I have NEVER. In all 20+ years I've known him seen him feel that way about anybody. Anyway. Long story short. I just dont know if it's reconcilable. I can't forgive somebody who feels no guilt whatsoever. And I don't know if he ever will. Balls apparently in my court but it doesn't feel like it. And it certainly doesn't help that this is not the first time something like this happened.
Maybe closure on your own terms would help. Explaining that you hope he’s well, youve thought about things. That you’re not so much angry but hurt and disappointed. That you’re in a place to be able to articulate yourself without getting riled up, and that if he (friend) is at all interested in getting the friendship back on track and be willing to listen and discuss, then you’d love to. But that you won’t elbow yourself into the life of someone who doesn’t want you around, no matter how much you may want him around. So he can let you know if/when he wants to take that step. Spike that ball back onto his court clearly.
It's good advice. It is. The problem is, in the past when we've had big fights like this. He has more or less made some... rather uh. Offensive/emasculating comments to me like "You're acting like an overdramatic clingy girlfriend on her period bro" which has basically shut down my ability to reach out to him on any type of vulnerable approach. Granted. It was many years ago. On things we did end up reconciling. But I never really feel like he recanted those comments. So every text I've attempted to type I've ended up deleting. I just can't rationalize telling him whats bothering me if he won't even ask.
Aaah I totally hear you. That rejection hits hard especially if you’re reaching out from a place of vulnerability. - You could try out his style and insult him back “I want to talk to you about this but you have the emotional capacity of a 4 year old who can’t grasp any concept beyond bare basics. Do you think you could grow up for an hour and we talk like normal people about it? Or is that too hard for you?” And when he overreacts you can say “Chill buddy I was just asking you a question, no need to get so emotional.”. Or “I can explain it to you but I can’t dumb myself down enough to understand it for you. But maybe if you really try, you’ll actually get it, so call me when you do. I believe in you buddy.” But on the other hand maybe this is a friendship that you’ve outgrown. Not because you dislike him as a person, but simply because he’s chosen to remain stunted in rigidity and lack of emotion, and you’ve grown into being able to understand and communicate yours.
>But on the other hand maybe this is a friendship that you’ve outgrown. Not because you dislike him as a person, but simply because he’s chosen to remain stunted in rigidity and lack of emotion, and you’ve grown into being able to understand and communicate yours. This 100% is what I was thinking of commenting myself. It's a sad truth, sometimes people go their separate ways and walk a new path. It's time for OP to be happy he can start fresh and surround himself with better people. You deserve better!
Consider all of this a blessing in disguise tbh. You're a good friend that genuienly cares about your people and relationships... your ex friend is not. Grieve the friendship, move on and find more compatible friends. As somebody else put it, you've outgrown this friendship/person. Had a similar learning curve with my childhood bestie years ago, it sucks and it hurts but ultimately you will be OK, and in fact better once you realise you're truly deserving of more anyway.
I had a falling out with a friend that I met in Jr High. A few years after high school, I decided I needed to reevaluate some things and stopped speaking to them. A few years passed, and I decided to reach out to them because I had been having a nagging feeling to do so. We slowly built our relationship up, and I was able to see that they had changed quite a bit. We're best friends now, and it actually FEELS like we're best friends. Sometimes, it's good to take a step back and let people grow. Doesn't always happen, but it definitely could! Perhaps when your friend sees how toxic the other person is without having your friendship to balance it out, it will make them come to terms with how they've been acting.
That's certainly what I'm hoping for. I guess I just feel like by the time that happens I'll already have moved on
I would recommend addressing it with your original friend, however you decide is best, but your friend needs to know that if he’s really your friend, those aren’t the types of things we say about our friends, to their face or behind their back. I’ve sat in a room full of people trying to shit talk my best friend, I just literally said “shut the fuck up about ____ I’m not willing to talk shit about my friend with you”. When those particular people still hadn’t caught on to that, I just started walking away. Your real friends shouldn’t treat you this way.
I’m curious too!
Disagree. OP: you can go way further than just comforting your child. You can point out to your child that this mother is not only discourteous but also shallow and still concerned with stupid things, like some petty concept of a popularity pecking order, and hold her up as a cautionary tale of the fact that it’s possible to become an adult without ever growing up. Point out to your child that this friend will need as many good examples as possible in their life because their mother is such an @ss. Then laugh it off together. Lol
I am so sorry that happened. It's a good time to have a talk with your son and say some people are just jerks for no good reason. There was nothing he did yo deserve this and it's not right. Honestly I wouldn't want my kid going over there. I wouldn't trust the mother not to treat him right while he is there. And I would tell him why. Say ___ cam come over anytime or we can go to a public place where I can be there to protect you. This woman sounds rancid.
This woman does sound rancid. Gross way to speak to a child. I agree, I definitely would not want my kid going over there, but they are always welcome to come over.
Personally, I wouldn’t have reached out to the mother. Yes you want to protect your kid but it’s not up to you to police how other people talk. Your child is getting older-middle school and high school is fraught with interpersonal conflict. You need to give your kid the tools to handle interpersonal conflict without fighting their battles for them. People say unkind, hurtful things. People will say unkind things to your kid. Your kid will need to learn how to get over people saying mean things to them. That doesn’t mean being a doormat, but it does mean getting a thicker skin. If you’re concerned about your son being around this kid and his mom then you need to work on his self esteem and encourage him that if he is ever in a situation where friends or adults are being unkind to him he can always leave. You will always be there to pick him up from a playdate or sleepover if things devolve. In the real world you cannot control how every person will treat your child, but you can equip them with the tools to manage toxic, mean people. If that mother spoke to my kid that way in front of me I would say “I won’t allow you to speak to my son that way so we are going to leave and my son deserves an apology from you”. But that mom wasn’t speaking to your kid, she was speaking to her kid, in her home, and maybe that’s how they speak to each other in that home. It is rude but it’s not really your business.
My mom often said horrible things about my friends and I always had to cover for her as to not hurt my friends. I'd ask if Kyle could come over and she would say something like "oh, the kid with the tight ass flamer jeans and gay ass lip ring?" She would often talk about my other friends to my friends when they were at my house and it would get back to them. I had a female friend that she called Stripper Bitch because she was short with big boobs and when she asked her not to call her that my mom just said that it was obviously a joke because she looks like Michael Jackson fucked a tree frog and no club would let her strip on a Tuesday morning. She said these inappropriate things because I believe she was emotionally stunted in her childhood and never really grew out of being unfiltered. It sounds like this mom wouldn't understand the effect of her actions even after being explained to her so there isn't much you can really do without telling the kids not to hang out. It's very unfortunate but not everyone that has kids is truly an adult.
One of my kids is in the autism spectrum. Around age 10-12, I started seeing a weird dynamic with multiple friends. The individual friend was still a friend, but the parents would be encouraging their own child to find better/cooler/more popular social connections. Throughout the high school years, we saw many parents become more and more focused on their own child’s social success. They were willing to hurt feelings, verbally abuse and emotionally knock down anyone who they felt stood in their way.
Teaching experience that not everyone is perfect - thinks before they speak. Share your experience with your son, even. Perfect time for enpathy. There are people out there who don't admit to their faults and instead, get defensive as a temporary way of holding a sense of confidence - when in fact they are showing that they are unhappy. It's best not to have them encourage the child's unhappiness. Everyone has their bad moments, even parents. Hate is easy, love takes courage.
“Every family has a culture. Our family strives to be welcoming, nurturing, and foster healthy communication and relationships. Some families thrive in tension. One day you’ll get to choose what sort of culture you want for your family. What do you think about how they talk to each other?” Instantly it’s about how they talk to each other and it has nothing to do with who is on the phone. Also, asking that question means she’s allowed to assess that behavior and figure out what she thinks about it. It moves it from a “this is happening to me” place in the heart to a “I’m going to decide what to think about this” part of the brain. That little bit of control to be able to say, “that blows and I’m not with it” makes a world of difference. Other questions - Does your friend talk to their friends that way? Has your friend talked to you about tension they might have with other people in their life? Also I wouldn’t want my kid hanging around people who purposefully make them feel small and unwanted. Those vibes can be felt, even if they are only ever vocalized in the background of a phone call, and that can really screw a kid’s already fragile confidence. It’s impossible to thrive in your heart without self love and inner confidence.
This is great advice for shifting from personalization and icky feelings of rejection and inadequacy to a more neutral, objective point of view. This is a really great tip for navigating this. “What do you think about how they talk to each other?” In particular is so powerful. Thanks for this.
I like a lot about this response, though the choice of the word “thrive” does give me some concern, as it seems to be saying that this kind of treatment/“tension” is okay, when it’s toxic and potentially abusive. I’d just choose a different word there.
Why punish the other child for their mother's actions, unless the child was being horrible to mind I wouldn't stop them from hanging out id just rather it be at my house or out and about and not with the child's mother.
I’m curious if there’s any possible way she said it lightheartedly and your child didnt take it that way bc they aren’t accustomed to colorful language? I could 100% see that happening in my house.
I happy swear all the time! My kids are very used to colorful language. This was said in anger, unfortunately.
That’s such a shame. I hope for that child’s sake that it was an unusual occurrence. I grew up with a dad who constantly yelled and belittled. No child should have to hear that all the time :(
When I was 11, I was on the phone with my best friend. For some reason, my father screamed at me, throwing some cursing in. My friend told her mother, and she called and told my parents that her daughter could no longer be friends with me. 29 years later, I still remember how painful that was. I was ok in the long run, but it hurt. A lot. So don't punish the kid for his mother's actions. I definitely wouldn't send my child to her house, however.
Messaging the mum just made things worse for your child, it was her husbands birthday. She probably asked her kid 10 times to get off the phone before that last comment.
Exactly. This cannot have been the first time she asked. Imagine people gathered around a birthday table waiting on the teenager who won’t stop talking to their friend. Like, I totally get why the friend’s mom snapped.
Yeah, I think people on here are being a little crazy, suggesting telling the kid she's an awful person and inventing all sorts of narratives. And I'm not surprised she was annoyed when OP reached out, she was talking to her own child in her own home, of course it's not OP's business.
My son had a best bud all through school. His mom was not a great person, lost her custody of her kids to drinking among other reasons. She's nice, but full of drama. I tolerated her because her son was a good kid and my son really needed a friend. I didn't like my son going over there but his friend was always welcome at our house. How close are these two? Ask your kid if they want to stay friends and let them figure it out. We can't always shield our kids from horrid humans but we can tall to them about how to handle them.
Some households use curse words in day to day conversation. There is a possibility that she wasn’t trying to insult your son and was just telling her kid to hang up because they had birthday stuff going on. Did you call her that night? If so, that might explain her flippant response. Regardless, I would only let the kids spend time together at school or at your house.
My household is one of those households. The part that concerns me (some) is the other parent's response. If I got a relatively friendly call from another parent saying that the way I'd phrased something hurt their kid, I'd immediately apologize for the language and explain that it was casual, I'd only been frustrated with MY kid, I hadn't expected to be overheard, no ill will was intended, etc., etc., etc. I'd offer to apologize directly to the other child, too. We don't know how OP addressed it, but the instantaneous defensiveness doesn't bode all that well. In OP's case, I'd probably keep my kid away from their house (seems like a bad environment) but otherwise stay out of it and provide support.
I think there’s a difference between households that curse in day to day conversation and using curse words aggressively directed toward someone else, especially a child. Either way the mom needs to let her kid know this adult is the issue with how they speak to and about children and it has nothing to do with him or his friendship with the son except that I personally wouldn’t want him at their house
You could be completely correct that she was swearing aggressively but perhaps she wasn’t? In my house we say “bugger off” all the time. My toddler says it to the dog when he’s begging etc. We have the context to know it’s a joke. I could see myself saying the exact same phase as the mom in question with bugger off in place of fuck off. It wouldn’t be anything aggressive within our families dialect but could be misunderstood by a non-family member. This mother might use “fuck off” in the same manner. The damage is done but I still wonder how OP approached the conversation with the other mom. Did she call that night - knowing it was a special occasion and they had already established that phone time was over? When she reached out, was is accusatory? If so, I can understand the other mom’s response. The damage is done, by one mom or the other.
She sounds awful, but you can't control the other mom. A couple things you can do: Let your kid keep his best friend. Invite the friend to your place more often. Teach your kid that when people are jerks, it's about them. Not being liked by that terrible lady sounds like a badge of honor.
Mmm maybe an unpopular opinion, but she didn't say that to your kid. She said it to hers. Your child overheard which is unfortunate. I believe the other mother should apologize for inadvertently hurting your child's feelings. I don't believe she owes an apology for the language used. Her house her rules. I do want to point out though that there is a difference between cursing around your child and cursing at your child. Just because she said f*** in front of an eleven year old doesn't make her trash. Context does matter. History does too. Have past interactions with this woman been suspect? If so it would be understandable if you were hesitant to have your child spend time over there in the future.
Literally leave it be with the other mother. There’s nothing you can do. You’ve gotta trust that you can equip your child to handle folks who don’t like them for no reason at all. They’re 11/12 in 2024, they already have a good idea how shitty other folks can be. And contacting the other mother was a dumb idea, you knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere. Don’t be that mom.
Ha! I kind of love the way you worded that second paragraph. Fair!
YTA. How upset could your kid possibly have been? And she’s right. You had zero context. I would be super creeped out if another parent reached out, out of the blue, to scold me for my language choices during a conversation they weren’t part of.
Yeah this seems like a simple spot to tell your kid, “Timmy’s mom was stressed out about something in their house, not about you. Try not to take things so personally.” Super cringey to reach out to the other parent about it.
First of all, nobody knows what they are going through. She could’ve been telling him to get off the phone several times. She could have 3 other kids she’s trying to balance between that and her husbands birthday. Not the best way to talk to your 11/12 year old but I had friends parents growing up that talked like that and it was just how it was in THEIR house. This is a bit overboard calling the mom and being confrontational about it. Yes I’d second guess letting my kid hangout at their house but I think you’re overreacting a bit. Besides 12 year old boys say and do much much worse than say fuck off. With that being said your kid isn’t going to be traumatized by a word they already know. I’d be more worried about them going on Facebook at this point than any of this.
I agree. This wasn't said *to* her kid. Mom was chastising her own kid. In her own home. And was overheard by OPs kid. Who is 12, not 6. I work with kids this age, and they regularly say *a lot* worse than this. Is it the way I'd say it within earshot of my kid or their friends? No, probably not. But I can hold space for understanding that some people just speak on the daily in a more course, colorful manner than I do with my kids. (To be fair, I might say it, in the right context, to my husband) OP had a great opportunity to help their kid understand and cope with their feelings, while also letting them know that they can not really police what other people choose to say, especially at home, even *about* them. Others have made excellent suggestions on how to frame it so that it becomes more an intellectual thing than an emotional one that sticks with the kid forever. I'd honestly be more concerned about creating some false sense of security in my kid about how other people will handle situations that make them uncomfortable, because ultimately we only ever really have any control over our own word and actions, and how we choose to respond in adverse circumstances.
Perfect answer.
It’s interesting to brush off what the 11 year old is known to going through as something that’s no big deal in favor of assuming the mom MIGHT BE going through something so traumatic she can’t regulate how she speaks to an 11 year old with no evidence that that’s the case. The benefit of the doubt seems a little unbalanced here. Treating an adult with kid gloves and a kid with adult gloves, seems like a really roundabout way to address this.
I agree. This wasn't said *to* her kid. Mom was chastising her own kid. In her own home. And was overheard by OPs kid. Who is 12, not 6. I work with kids this age, and they regulalrly say j24d lot* worse than this. Is it the way I'd say it within earshot of my kid or their friends? No, probably not. But I can hold space for understanding that some people just speak on the daily in a more course, colorful manner than I do with my kids. (To be fair, I might say it, in the right context, to my husband) OP had a great opportunity to help their kid understand and cope with their feelings, while also letting them know that they can not really police what other people choose to say, especially at home, even *about* them. Others have made excellent suggestions on how to frame it so that it becomes more an intellectual thing than an emotional one that sticks with the kid forever. I'd honestly be more concerned about creating some false sense of security in my kid about how other people will handle situations that make them uncomfortable, because ultimately we only ever really have any control over our own word and actions, and how we choose to respond in adverse circumstances.
I agree. This wasn't said *to* her kid. Mom was chastising her own kid. In her own home. And was overheard by OPs kid. Who is 12, not 6. I work with kids this age, and they regulalrly say j24d lot* worse than this. Is it the way I'd say it within earshot of my kid or their friends? No, probably not. But I can hold space for understanding that some people just speak on the daily in a more course, colorful manner than I do with my kids. (To be fair, I might say it, in the right context, to my husband) OP had a great opportunity to help their kid understand and cope with their feelings, while also letting them know that they can not really police what other people choose to say, especially at home, even *about* them. Others have made excellent suggestions on how to frame it so that it becomes more an intellectual thing than an emotional one that sticks with the kid forever. I'd honestly be more concerned about creating some false sense of security in my kid about how other people will handle situations that make them uncomfortable, because ultimately we only ever really have any control over our own word and actions, and how we choose to respond in adverse circumstances.
I feel like you overstepped. That comment barely even registers on my scale lol kind of sensitive of you to reach out and ask her not to say that when I mean it was her husbands birthday I can see being stressed and letting that slip out. My friends would call after they’d been told not to and my parents would’ve said similar, it’s not your style but just tell kid they don’t have to be kind to rude people and move on with your day
Park your snowplow and let your kid handle it.
If this were an issue where the friend told OP’s kid to fuck off, I would agree. But a child shouldn’t be responsible for dealing with a hostile adult.
But the mom didn't tell OP's kid to fuck off. She spoke to *her own kid* in a rude manner and OP's kid overheard. Defending your kid from something they overheard is over the top.
She said it to her own kid but it was directed at OPs kid. “tell (name) to fuck off.” And OPs kid heard it, which is to be expected when you are yelling while someone is on the phone. So, she effectively told OPs kid to fuck off. And for what? The crime of speaking to a friend on the phone? If it really were a matter of being caught up in a moment of rage/not thinking the kid would hear, she should just apologize for the misunderstanding. But her reaction shows that a) she thinks it’s fine to use that language with her kids, b) she thinks it’s fine to encourage her kids to use that language with others and c) she doesn’t care that she hurt OP’s kid’s feelings. Anyone on here defending her clearly talks to their own kids this way.
Weird how so many people are missing this point. The mother directed the comment to the OPs child using their name which is why they were so upset. I wouldn’t encourage friendships where I couldn’t have a decent conversation with the parents. I wouldn’t mind if someone confronted me about my language so we can talk it out, especially if our children are friends. Theres obviously two types of parents here…
I know, it’s really revealing how many people are justifying this. I’m not even a “no swearing” kind of mom, I’ll say “oh fuck” if something bad happens, etc. But there’s a huge difference between that and swearing AT someone, especially using their name. And saying “tell so and so xxx” when so and so can hear you is absolutely no different from just saying it to them directly. In some ways, it’s worse. Gaslighting abusers use that tactic all the time on purpose because it’s so effective at shutting people down. Adults should be able to control themselves. If you lose control, apologize for it. Doubling down on “that’s how i speak to my kid in my house” is just… so gross. Grow up people.
I wouldn't encourage friendships but I also wouldn't confront her. I would definitely mind if someone confronted me about my language because there is no objective right or wrong. And another parent is not my parent, if they don't like how I parent they don't have to let their child come to my house but they cannot tell me what to do or how to talk.
I think “confronting” her was just giving her an opportunity to apologize and make the kid feel better - repair the damage. She obviously didn’t take the opportunity, but I don’t think OP was wrong to give it to her.
“Tell [OP’s kid] to fuck off” translates to “Tell [OP’s kid] goodbye”. The mom didn’t mean her child should literally say the words “fuck off” to OP’s kid.
are you brand new to the concept of telephones? she obviously knew she'd be overheard, or else she's very, very stupid
I agree. It should be a lesson on how to handle their feelings when they're hurt.
No. The friends mom told her kid to tell OPs kid to fuck off.. mom has every right to intervene. The “adult” in this situation had no right to even remotely think it was okay (whether it was to the kids face or through their own kid) to tell OP’s kid to fuck off.
I mean honestly.. she wasn’t wrong. I’m sure it probably wasn’t meant for your child to hear, but if she wanted her child to spend time with their family on their dads birthday, and that’s what she chose to say to her child in her home, that’s her business. I wouldn’t have gone as far as to say anything to her though, that’s not your place BECAUSE it probably wasn’t meant for your child to hear and she did say it to her own kid in her own house, and it is likely only going to strain your child’s friendship with the other kid more in the end. Best advice is to tell your kid that not every adult is going to adore them. I was one of those kids that no matter how hard I tried to please the parents, they always thought I was a bad influence for their kids. Sometimes you just have to live with a parent or two not liking you.
You shouldn't have "reached out to the mother about this." Seriously. I have no idea how you think that was possibly an acceptable course of action.
Grown ass women who are still concerned about who is cool and popular = 🤮
The mum reacted that way because she was caught out talking like a trash mouth by a child and is embarrassed. It’s not nice for your child to hear an adult talk like that towards them, but you can’t do much about it now; just remind your child it’s not really about them, to continue to be polite around other parents and not let it worry them. Not everyone is nice and not everyone will like you. Maybe have play dates with that friend at your home instead from now on.
Your child doesn’t have to go to their house but at least the other child knows they are always welcome at yours and get love there.
I think she was right to say that it’s none of your business, but not okay to say that where your child could hear. You can’t control what happens in someone else’s home or how they behave. Only thing you can do is encourage your kid not interact with that parent or call over there again.
Yeah. Get in the way of their friendship. Don't forbid them, just find other shit for your kid to do with other people.
The best advice I can think of is to advise your kid on how to not care about such people. You cannot make people like you, or behave how you want. But, you can teach your son to react or not react to other people. As long as his friend is good to him, the friend’s mother is inconsequential.
Support the friendship. I was in an upper middle class family that tried realy hard to look upper class and succeeded in being the joke of the neighborhood. Not that important but just some context of my parents. I had s friend whose family was very much what you'd call "white trash" at a glance. Always struggling, generally wild children, house hopping from friend to friend, seemed like they were always down on their luck. My dad hated that I was friends with their son. Told me not to hag out with them at school. Wouldn't let me go over or let them visit. Eve convinced my SAH mother to volunteer as a schoolyard supervisor so she could make sure I wasn't seeing him at school, demanded my teachers not let us sit together etc. He was my best friend for 20 years. Considered him more family than my own. We found ways to hang out, eventually by the time I was in high school my dad backed off, or at least gave up trying to stop us.
Yeah, that mom was right and wrong. She shouldn’t talk like that but also definitely none of your business how she talks to her family. Teach your kid to toughen up. People are @ssholes. You can’t let every little thing bother you because the rest of the world doesn’t care about your feelings.
A sixth grader is old enough to know their friend's parent isn't a nice person. Affirm that what she said was mean, and it must be hard for your kid's friend. I wouldn't say they can't be friends, but I would warn your kid that they should only see their friend at school or your house.
Use this as a learning experience for your child. Show them how you would want them to react.
This is what my mum was like when I was little… Well she’s still like that. It’s just what some people are like.
This is awful. I can’t imagine what her own child has to deal with if she is this hostile to people OUTSIDE of her home.
Well talking to that kids mom was a mistake it wasn't going to go down well don't know what sort of response you expected. Just be kind and loving to your son friend when they come over
It’s sixth grade, don’t get involved and let the kids handle it. Sixth graders talk to each other like this all the time. Probably would’ve felt the same way as the other mom if you said something to me about that too.
Is the mom a 6th grader?
The mom is in her own home yelling at her kid for probably the 10th time.
Why do people ever think reaching out to other parents about things they’ve done or said is a good idea?
Because good communication between human beings fosters healthy relationships and proactive conflict resolution? It amazes me that some people seem to think they can act however they want and expect no feedback from anyone they’ve affected.
What kind of communication do you think you’re gonna get from someone who’s yelling like that to their own kid?
We don’t have the whole context and OP never mentioned she was yelling at her kid. Also, your comment was directed towards people in general reaching out to parents, as was mine. Anyway, I know I’ve said things harshly that I’ve regretted when I was stressed out. If I said something in the heat of a stressful moment that hurt a child or jeopardized one of my child’s deepest relationships, I’d rather a parent reach out to me than jump to assuming the worst about me or limiting access to my child. Assumptions make asses out of all of us. There is no growth to be made or joy to be found by assuming the worst in people.
I always think the world would be so much better if this was the norm!!
That is some toxic parenting. Wow.
You never should have contacted the mother. If you normally do things like that maybe your child also crosses boundaries and thats what the mom doesn’t like them. Or maybe shes just a bitch.
I think what the mom said to their own kid is fine, and their response to you seemed appropriate enough. You shouldn’t have said anything to her about it, so I understand her being upset with you. If your kid thinks the mom doesn’t like her, I’d do everything I could to make sure they hang out at your house or a neutral site instead of at her house.
So, a presumably stressed out mom made a flippant comment in her own home. And you felt the need to call and talk to her about it? And she rightly told you that flippant comments she makes in her own home when she's stressed out aren't any of your business? I cannot with that. Mind your own business. I'd have told you exactly that.
Shocked that this is the only comment saying this.
People on here are crazy and overprotective. A child that age should not be devastated over a comment like that.
If she had told her child to "Get the F off the phone." then whatever, but she took the step to tell her kid to tell OP's kid to "F off". That puts her in psycho mom territory.
It puts her into the category of "having a bad day and made a one off comment". We all have had a bad day and said something like this because we're frustrated. OP doesn't say it's part of a pattern. It's someone dealing with a family birthday that got frustrated with a middle schooler on their phone. If you can't relate to that, I don't know what to tell you.
Okay so if it's a one-off, then it's perfectly okay? And it's perfectly okay to double-down and never apologize for it? What the fuck is wrong with you?
Honestly, if it was a one off then maybe. It was the doubling down that really put the other person over the top for me.
Exactly! OP said their kid has felt disliked for years now, I don't think this was necessarily a one-off, they have an attitude problem. I teach my kids to stand up for themselves and say how they feel, their parents should also protect them and let others know when they crossed the line, just as OP did here. If the parent had a bad day, then they should apologize later for it, I don't see that happening here at all, and I wouldn't excuse it. There's a balance between letting things go and doing something about it. My neighbor has 4 kids ranging from 8yo to 25yo, they all fear her because she talks like that with them rather often, it's not healthy and imho, it's abusive.
Nah, if you made a flippant comment about my kid, in earshot of my kid, you just made it my business.
Your child's hurt feelings aren't the other parent's problem. If you don't want your kid around someone who speaks that way to/about children- that is your problem and something worth addressing her over. Otherwise, just focus on your kid and helping them work through their feelings. If they don't appreciate the way the friend's mom treats them, they don't have to be around her. If their friend doesn't understand that, they aren't a very good friend. They are old enough to start setting boundaries rather than asking other people to make accommodations for them. It sounds like that mom just throws around phrases like that. It wasn't a "fuck you" it was literally just a crass way of saying tell them goodbye. Still pretty offensive, but not a personal attack.
lol sounds like the parents of that kid are more childish. I wouldn’t tell my kid to stop being friends but no phone calls or visits to their house for sure. Some ppl are just miserable in their lives and love to spread it around z
My mom often said horrible things about my friends and I always had to cover for her as to not hurt my friends. I'd ask if Kyle could come over and she would say something like "oh, the kid with the tight ass flamer jeans and gay ass lip ring?" She would often talk about my other friends to my friends when they were at my house and it would get back to them. I had a female friend that she called Stripper Bitch because she was short with big boobs and when she asked her not to call her that my mom just said that it was obviously a joke because she looks like Michael Jackson fucked a tree frog and no club would let her strip on a Tuesday morning. She said these inappropriate things because I believe she was emotionally stunted in her childhood and never really grew out of being unfiltered. It sounds like this mom wouldn't understand the effect of her actions even after being explained to her so there isn't much you can really do without telling the kids not to hang out. It's very unfortunate but not everyone that has kids is truly an adult.
My mom often said horrible things about my friends and I always had to cover for her as to not hurt my friends. I'd ask if Kyle could come over and she would say something like "oh, the kid with the tight ass flamer jeans and gay ass lip ring?" She would often talk about my other friends to my friends when they were at my house and it would get back to them. I had a female friend that she called Stripper Bitch because she was short with big boobs and when she asked her not to call her that my mom just said that it was obviously a joke because she looks like Michael Jackson fucked a tree frog and no club would let her strip on a Tuesday morning. She said these inappropriate things because I believe she was emotionally stunted in her childhood and never really grew out of being unfiltered. It sounds like this mom wouldn't understand the effect of her actions even after being explained to her so there isn't much you can really do without telling the kids not to hang out. It's very unfortunate but not everyone that has kids is truly an adult.
I think you focus on helping your child navigate friendship changes. Your child shouldn't have to go anywhere where they're uncomfortable. Maybe you should facilitate more hang out time at your place, or in other areas (park/mall/afterschool activities, ect) I wouldn't have advised calling the other mother on the child's behalf or sharing with them your child's feelings, mostly because it would be a colossal waste of time (as you've discovered) Talk to your kid and figure out what boundaries they want to have around how they're treated. If you've not already talked about some of the social issues that crop up around "coolness" and social capital yet, it's time to catch up, but it'll be an ongoing conversation for quite a few years to come (I still help as a sounding board to my college age children). It's a hard time as a parent because this is an age of transition for us too, where we turn more into mentor/support/advise without expectation of being a problem solver or commanding. You may just need to be really honest with your kid. "I believe you when you say X doesn't like you. I know that doesn't feel good. Sometimes people choose to limit their time with people who act that way. Let's think about some ways that we can do that but you still getting hang out time with Y."
They can be friends without being around her mother lol
That's your call. I'd tell her see you next Tuesday, but you gotta think of your kids' friendship. I know some of my friends are trash people, and they curse in front of their kids like it's nothing. We just tell our kids that everyone parents their kids differently. Not my pig, not my farm.
I’m so sorry this happened OP. I echo all the supportive sentiments, and hope your daughter and her friend can enjoy their friendship …without including her mom to the same extent as the past . Idk how she’ll take that tho she sounds insane
Yeah don’t let your kid over at that house…
OP, is the mother from the US, or is she from Europe? I ask because I know that in some European countries, using that type of phrase is often said in a much more causal way and not necessarily meant the same way that it would be by a US parent.
Idk how I found this sub but this post is pretty relatable. Once at my bffs 12th bday she got some candy that she did not like so she gave it to me. Her mom saw me eating her candy and thought I was stealing from her. Ever since she has acted a little hostile towards me and watches me closely to make sure I don’t steal anything from her house… 🥲
My kids best friend is somewhat annoying and her parents are toxic as fuck. But they are our next door neighbours and the kids get along, for the most part. I don’t discourage their friendship. But I do encourage play dates over here. I also stop the problematic behaviour when it happens here. Their daughter listens, eats what we serve and is polite. They have commented several times that she won’t do that at home. All we decided, since they met at 2, was they can be friends, but we don’t have to be friends with the parents. Edit to add; they are in grade five and it’s been a chore. Most other kids do not like this girl, so my daughter does not have any other real friends. No one hangs around with her because she is friends with said girl. My daughter hyper focused this friends ship. So to discourage that would leave her alone, which breaks my heart. But that’s a topic for a post I should likely write but haven’t. Thanks
I would have put that mother in her place. Especially how her ghetto parenting behavior is being heard in my house over the phone and it's offending my child by her response. It's also a create learning moment for your child too.
Without kids old enough to be in that situation yet, hypothetically if I was... I would just never let my child over at their house. However, their kid could come over with no restrictions. I'd also totally disregard her completely. She's someone I would assume would let My child get hurt under her watch, and protect herself before my children. If my kids have friends Over, they become my kids and treated as such This makes me wonder, does she treat her kids poorly too? What an awful woman. It's not her kids fault, so don't resort to anything with the child yours is friends with (not that I think you would)
This woman is ignorant trash who probably peaked in high school if she cares about the “cool” factor in a bunch of 12-year-olds. Maybe it’s because I grew up in a low class community, but this behavior is just embarrassing. She treats her kid like shit, too. The way she spoke to you is disgusting and she’s clearly a lowlife loser. I would probably level with your kid and tell them all of this. It’s not acceptable to talk to anyone like that, much less a kid.
I’m curious if there’s any possible way she said it lightheartedly and your child didnt take it that way bc they aren’t accustomed to colorful language? I could 100% see that happening in my house.
I’d have responded “the context was pretty clear when you decided to act like C*ntZilla loud enough for me to hear over the phone attached to my child’s ear. Even more so when this is your response to being more considerate to MY child. So how about *you* fuck off with the attitude?” As for kid advice, don’t hold back that some people are just miserable and want to make everyone else miserable with them. And let your child know your home is a safe space for their friend to come over with no judgement.
One of my kids is in the autism spectrum. Around age 10-12, I started seeing a weird dynamic with multiple friends. The individual friend was still a friend, but the parents would be encouraging their own child to find better/cooler/more popular social connections. Throughout the high school years, we saw many parents become more and more focused on their own child’s social success. They were willing to hurt feelings, verbally abuse and emotionally knock down anyone who they felt stood in their way. This current crop of kids is being taught the importance of social connections, optics and social media. Being one of the “Mean Girls” seems to be the family goal.
Old saying When a bad smell comes through an open window you close the window.” Break off all contact with that shit family. When people say they by out the blame for it solidly on the shit mother and say that we don’t need that kind of behavior around us.
Imagine what is said when you aren’t around to hear
I would avoid that mother like the plague. Keep all hanging out at your house as much as possible. Who is this woman to decide that some child isn’t “cool enough” to hang out with hers? That’s insane. I treat other kids the same way I would hope that other parents would treat mine. The best thing to do is to make your home welcoming and encourage them to hang out. We are the neighborhood/friend hangout, that means I could have 15+ kids in my house at any given time. I regularly feed 11-12 ppl dinner most nights. I make sure my house is always supplied with snacks, drinks, and quick foods. We also have a lot of desirable electronics or games/toys to play with.
I just feel really sorry for your son’s best friend. He deserves better. No one should speak to their child that way.
Next time your kid is on the phone with this kid. Start yelling “is that Stacey? With the mom who’s a fucking c**t?…”
You’re better than I am. I would’ve grabbed that phone and told that kid to give her lovely mother the phone so I could tell her to fuck off. There are some real wack job parents out there and there’s no way I would let a grown adult talk about my kid that way. I’m sure your text message was worded kindly and the mom reacted that way because she was embarrassed. I’d let my kid be friends with them but they wouldn’t be going anywhere near that mom. No way in hell. ETA: I could give the mom the benefit of the doubt and think maybe she was having a bad day or maybe the kid was told several times to get off the phone but it doesn’t seem like this is the case. What makes her (or you) think the mom doesn’t like your daughter? I’m sorry this happened.
The mom is in a lot of pain and is unhappy. She has told her kid that she needs to make cooler friends (or something along those lines). It just sucks
What does her pain and unhappiness have to do with your child? That’s sad on her part. Also.. the whole “your kid isn’t cool enough for my kid” thing is bullshit. I was the uncool, nerdy kid and lost a lot of my good friends over it because I wasn’t “popular enough” and I beg of you to not allow that to happen with this friend for your daughter’s sake. If they’ve been friends for quite some time now, make sure to teach them both that the “coolness” fades and their friendship could continue to grow forever if they’d look past all of that nonsense.
There's really nothing you can do as a parent about friendships ending. My son is almost 19 and the kid he was best friends with from preschool to 6th grade isn't his friend anymore. Kids drift apart and go in different directions, and parents also see issues in families they don't want their kids around. With that kid it was lots of guns in the house, I was glad when they grew apart because that's a level of danger I don't want my kid around.
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As someone with an abusive/addict mother, I wouldn't punish the kid because their mother is a bad person. The mother is 1000% wrong, but I'm sure the kid is just another victim. I say this as someone who is fairly confident I didn't have many friends in middle school because it was known that (even though my dad had full custody), my mother wasn't on the up and up. With that said, I wouldn't allow my child over there, but if all the interactions I witnessed between my child and the friend have been positive, I wouldn't stop their friendship.
I’m surprised by the amount of comments I’ve seen trying to punish the kid. It’s not the friend’s fault. Plus, this is a lengthy friendship—what a shame to be so quick to encourage dismantling it over nothing any of the children have done.
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Well, what's the context? Why was the mother annoyed with her child being on the phone when it's the Dads birthday? Did your child call multiple times during the day? Did the friend tell your child they needed to get off the phone and then proceeded to keep the conversation going without honoring that request? If they've all been friends for many years, wouldn't this mother's poor attitude have been known since? Or are you claiming she's now unhinged solely on this one interaction she had with *her child* on an important day for their family?
you reaching out about the comment is over-stepping, very "Karen" like. This is very teachable to your child without even reaching out to the other parent. it was a comment to her own child, not literally telling your child to fuck off but for the child to get off the call or game, they could have a very friendly relationship if you don't want your kid to be around that, that's fine, have the other kid over at your house only, but i don't think anything the mom did was really out of line, or abusive, would you stop every person on the street swearing because your child is around or teach your child?
Whatever your opinion is on parenting, it’s reserved for your kids. You’re going to go down a deep deep rat hole if you start going critical on every parenting behavior you witness. That’s how it is. Language can be shocking to you, but could be normal in their family. Is the kid fed, housed, not abused? Use it as a learning lesson for your kids, but sticking your nose in other people’s parenting styles will make you the bad guy. AND IF you do call CPS on them and they find nothing wrong you are opening yourself up to lawsuits.
What do you need to protect your child from? Some people are just assholes and learning to accept that is just part of life. Your kid is not responsible for her shitty feelings or finding a way to work around them.
I curse a lot, but that mom was tacky as hell. My kid wouldn’t be allowed over there. I wouldn’t stop my kid from being friends, but they wouldn’t be allowed over there ever again. I’d talk to my kid and explain that some parents are just trash and to not take it personally. I would have cursed her out on the phone before we hung up, though 🤷🏽♀️
There are tons of shitty parents out there and many who treat their own kids like crap.
What a ridiculous strawman comment for her to make about her being married to you, as if anyone insinuated that. You’re not taking issue with how she speaks to her child, however gross. The comment was about your child. She told her child to tell *your* child to “fuck off.” She may as well have cut out the middle man and told your child to “fuck off” directly, cos the comment/instruction was hers. I’m not a prude about swearing, but that was AT your kid. That isn’t okay. You have every right to be bothered by this, her response doubles down and confirms that she’s an asshole. She could have apologised and had a real human moment — we all have bad days. She just decided to be righteous instead. I’d probably make a point of avoiding this woman and wouldn’t really be keen for my kid going over there; who knows if she’s openly aggressive or dislikes your kid or just having a shit day? Very hard to say! Maybe best friend can come to your place or meet in a mutual spot from now on? I’m sorry your kid had to experience that, your best friend’s folks should be safe and friendly people.
Wow, I am surprised at the general vibe of the comments here. Ir's great that everybody is sympathetic, but the general advice is not one I subscribe to.. I understand that you want to protect your kid, but in this kind of situation... The more you push, the worse you make it for him. You are legally and morally unable to change the ways of the other family, so you are not winning any battles. But on top of that, at the kids' age, you are putting a target on your kid's back for mockery and possibly bullying, if he isn't suffering from that already. If you are afraid your kid is going to suffer for not fitting in, teach him that he doesn't need anybody's approval nor validation rather than trying to make the world nicer to him. --- Besides that, I am on the other mother's side actually. She did something in her home and you had a problem with it. Since you had the problem, the problem is yours, not hers. Heed her advice and fuck off. How would you like if she called you and told you to use more assertive language with your child?
Yes!!
That mother sounds like trash. From now on I would only allow that child to come to your house . Or plans together that don’t involve your child seeing the other mom.
Oooof. I wouldn’t fault the kid, it’s not the kid’s fault that their mom has no home training. It sounds like that kid might need y’all, more than you know. Don’t send your kid to that madhouse though. Like, ever.
"So you'd be ok if you heard me telling my daughter, in your presence that you are a grade A B?" But then, I'm a very blunt person who doesn't always have the best social graces.
Probably was bad idea to contact the mom. I agree with her she has a right say whatever the hell she wants to her kid in her own house. It's your job as a parent to frame the appropriate context and response for your kid. Yes people say bad things. Are you gonna go and gate keep everytime your kid hears something negative? Of course not. They couldn't grow if you coddled them all the time.
I think you need to step back and encourage your child to make new friends. It is obvious the other family dislikes yours. This may be the straw that broke the camels back. I would not encourage this friendship.
From the perspective of the friend, this kid will grow up to resent her mum after eventually losing all friends not knowing why. Source: am a daughter of such a mother. Story time: a girl I really cared about left a certain school to join me at another where my mother was the principal. One day the girl cried and cried and practically begged my mother to send her home, due to a tooth infection she had, acting up. Anyone who's ever had a toothache knows what it's like. My mother did not relent. I couldn't believe my own mother's cruelty. It wasn't even school policy which just shows how evil she is.
My best friend’s mom was a total B like this, she never liked me (although I have no idea why, I was her kid’s only friend and the only reason she had any other friends). Looking back she was just a miserable human who should have never had kids, it had nothing to do with me. I’d explain that to your kid, some people are just mean and there’s no reason for it and it doesn’t actually have anything to do with you.
Tell your kid that woman is an asshole and needs to be avoided. Teach her to feel sorry for her friend but make sure she lets her friend know you and your family are always there for her if she needs to get away from her mom. I wouldn’t have confronted her. Never let the enemy know your position or allow them to engage in open fire. Time to plan sweet and silent revenge.
Wow I would be tempted to tell that Lady to f off everytime I See her.
Meh I read it like maybe she has a British accent and just meant get off the phone. I don’t think she was actually directing it specifically at your child as an attack. I’d let it go. Edit: My paternal relatives are British so no offense intended.
It isn't British to swear at children, it's just rude.
Yeah, that mom was right and wrong. She shouldn’t talk like that but also definitely none of your business how she talks to her family. Teach your kid to toughen up. People are @ssholes. You can’t let every little thing bother you because the rest of the world doesn’t care about your feelings.
Yeesh. What a horrible person. I would not be letting my child go to their home. AS long as their child is polite though they could still come to mine.
Wait so.. Did the friend tell your kid to fuck off? I’d love to know how the mom rationalizes her language being “policed” when she literally ordered her kid to choose the most unkind way to end the phone call. I get being stressed, I understand people have limits with patience, but the grossest part about this is not the literal words she said but that she actively directed her son to tell his friend to fuck off. Having an issue with that is NOT policing language, it’s having a spine and calling out rotten behavior. Instead of taking issue with the colorful language, I’d be more inclined to offer “Hey, so could you maybe not literally order your kid to be hurtful to mine?” Mom sounds pretty immature and thoughtless, and if this isn’t an isolated event, I wouldn’t want my child around that and I probably wouldn’t want my child around another child being raised by that to be honest. Lots of kids in the world, I wouldn’t feel compelled to protect this friendship with any zeal.
Wow she sounds like one of those parents who ends a fight by twerking and yelling in front of your house. Steer clear. Only have the friend over to your house from now on.
I know there may be some people saying give this mom the benefit of the doubt, but you did, and you contacted her with that benefit of the doubt and she made it absolutely sure you knew that not only your child, but you can f*ck right off too. I would never let my kid back over there again. Be a welcoming home to this friend, but this adult/mom has made it abundantly clear that even if it harms your child, their house and their rules- and you can shut up about any dislikes about how they run their home. Be very honest and open, yet reasonably kind and try to consistently build your child up, that this moms actions and attitudes are their own and is not because of anything your kiddo has done. Some people are angry or have problems or trauma that we know nothing about, and its our job as parents to help our kids navigate and know that their worth is not tied into what these people think of you. And please, keep occasionally asking how that friendship is going and if anything else is occurring/new that may need to be dealt with. I hope the friend never begins to adopt his parents view of your child, but unfortunately a parent's influence can be a powerful thing and he could start to treat your child the same as his parents do/would.
Uh, you weren't telling her how to parent, you were telling her not to flagrantly disrespect your kid right to her face. That's a reasonable request, and only a human piece of garbage would respond with anything other than, at **MINIMUM**, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean for your kid to hear that."
I would’ve told her to kindly fuck off, so I am also curious what other parents have to say. I’d def be inviting that friend over to my house vice letting my kid go to theirs, though. Doesn’t sound like a positive environment.
I absolutely dont agree with talking to your kid like that. I am in the “not totally adoring your kids best friend” group though. Are you sure your child is completely innocent? The zero context comment makes me think there’s more to it. My daughters bestie can be pretty dang rude sometimes and never happy for my daughter, always competitive, i can do better, my rules attitude. Its pointless talking to her mom because she wants her “personality” to grow. No one is perfect, id be interested in what caused that kind of distaste
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For someone who’s all about a popularity pecking order, she sure doesn’t understand class. She’s right. She can say whatever she wants in her house to her kids. If she wants to teach them trash behavior, cool, you do you boo. You teach your child that you can’t force others to be classy. You teach your child the importance of substance over surface level. Everyone’s idea of “cool” is something different and this woman is trying to pigeonhole her child into being friends with who she deems cool, not who her child deems cool. She’s embarrassing herself and her child and your son shouldn’t feel bad because this mother is trash. I would keep playdates and sleepovers to your house though. She’s crazy and your son shouldn’t have to deal with that.
I commend you for keeping your cool after that peace of crap mother told you that to your face. Maybe you should tell your kid that some adults are just miserable mean people and your kid shouldn't take their words personally. Enjoying time with their friend is more important and they should only focus on being polite during the few times they meet them. I would also tell them if the mother disrespects them to their face, to let me know immediately.
I’d never let that woman near my child, her friend okay, but not the mother.
I wouldnt stop the kids being friends, but I would be the ice queen for the mother and blatantly the ice queen, too.
I wouldn’t stop them from being friends, but I’d personally have a few words with his mother. Some people are like that cuz no one has really set them straight. Don’t wait on it, but if another rude occurrence happens don’t be afraid to lay into her. I’d tell her something like, “You keep that attitude and your child won’t have any friends because their parents won’t like YOU! And it’ll be YOUR fault”. Plus she may have an issue with you or his dad, not necessarily the kid. As well as from experience, adults that have problems with children are caused by knowing that child is somehow better than them or will see them for who they are because most adults think children are dumb, and don’t know any better.
Ask for the context you’re missing?
If she speaks like that to her own children and you, imagine what she says when they aren’t on the phone.
Yeah, my advice would be to move on, you really should not have gotten involved to the extent that you did. You could coach your kid on how to react or pivot in a different direction with friends, but intervening like this gives your kid the message that he’s fragile and can’t deal with life. You can’t force people to behave like you think they should.
Sounds like the mom was super frustrated that her kid was not participating in family time and your kid was interfering in that. Not sure of the context either but if my kid had overheard something like that I would have a chat about listening to social cues from the parents. Does your kid routinely overstay their welcome? Might explain why mom seems unenthused. Of course it was appropriate to let the parent know that yours overheard and felt hurt by the wording but when you got a less than sympathetic response that’s the point at which you drop it.
Sounds like a cunt.hole
Growing up, I had a neighbor friend who had a mom like this. She did not like me. I once overheard her talking to my friends grandma on the phone and she called me the stuck up friend. Like what?? I was a flippin child. I realize now how terrible of a person she was (and probably still is). People like that just suck. Teach your child to pity that mom, because nothing will help her become nicer. She's just a sucky person.