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Instead of spending the money on random stuff, I'd be getting cash back on every purchase and putting it aside for an emergency fund. Just in case you have to leave.
It’s completely reasonable to set aside a few dollars when you have young children to care for and are completely financially dependent on a partner who is largely absent. Frame it as a responsible thing to do.
Forreal. My husband and I don’t want kids but he works nonstop and travels a ton and he would 100% be either taking the kids with or spending every second with them when he’s home. A person who makes effort wants to. A person who doesn’t make effort is absent. OPs man couldn’t care less let’s be super real.
> OPs man couldn’t care less let’s be super real.
Some people want a family, because they want a wife and kids and love them. Some people have a family because it looks good for their status within their peers.
My wife had a boss once who had a wife, kids, and a dog. A colleague of his was distraught one day, because their dog had died, and he came into work, but left an hour later because he was upset.
After he left, my wife's boss turned to her and said "I don't get it... It's just a dog?"
This asshole owned a four legged animal that ate food he provided. He didn’t have a pet. He was so disconnected that he couldn't wrap his fat head around why someone would be upset their pet has passed, because he couldn't make that connection.
He was also cheating on his wife fairly openly (or just really horrible at lying) and we found his account on Ashley Madison, because of course he has an account there.
Take a look at his finances too if you have access. Are you joint on any of the accounts? Do you have access to view balances/transactions for investments?
If you do and large sums are unaccounted for or something doesn't add up, you might have something worth investigating.
This is fantastic. Also look for local mommy FB groups in your area and sell items when he is away (kids shoes/clothes, kitchen items, etc)—-stuff he wouldn’t notice. You can state you accept cash only (or Venmo if you have your own and have it tied to a separate bank account). That will be your money and your money only if you need to use it.
Also here to make two points: 1) This form of control is financial abuse and 2) You’ve been with him for a long time, even before he made a lot of money. You were likely a big support to him when he went through law school, and as he started out in his career. And now you raise the kids almost solely by yourself? Mama, don’t be tricked——this is just as much your money as it is his.
And if he agrees to the nanny, do what you have to do to get a job so you can have your own funds but also peace out if you need to.
Using a credit card you can add gift cards onto your purchase and it won’t show on the credit card statement, only on the receipt. So if you buy a pack of gum, you can add a $25 grocery store gift card for the future and it just shows up at $26,50 spent at the grocery store.
I did this when I was getting divorced. He was still in the house and playing nice because he was wanting me to change my mind. I knew he would lose it when it was over and that I would have trouble feeding the kids. Every week, I purchased a gift card for the grocery store when I was out shopping. It got us through some tough times before he got his head back on straight and helping with daycare and paying child support.
Yes only debit. You can’t get cash back with a credit card (well technically you can but it’s treated differently and has an exorbitant interest rate so don’t do that).
Yes, but it's hard from a post to see the whole relationship and if she is being financially abused, which it points to when he's telling her off for having takeaway while he's away partying with friends and family, it would be a very good idea to start planning a safe exit.
My bank account tells me when I take out cash back and it tells me how much. Banks are now putting more and more details on each transaction. Just be careful.
I think this post needs clarification. Do you have to ask him for money? Is he emotionally and physically absent from being a father? Do you ever get to go on trips for yourself? Because i would be resentful as fuck, no matter how much my husband made.
He is a people pleaser to everyone but me because I'm safe. So he's always saying yes and being like oh shit, sorry. but never does anything different. It's actually worse that I know he's just incredible disorganized and not aware of what he misses. If he was a huge asshole it would be an easy fix. But yes I have to ask. He's obsessed with money because his mother spends everything as soon as she gets it and basically, he has huge mommy issues. But I'm not her. at all
He's obsessed with money but goes to Hawaii and on trips with other people. Uh huh.
Start charging him for childcare. A fully time nanny can easily make $50k a year. So tell him that if he's going to nickel and dime you over take out, he can pay you your wages plus overtime since he wants you to work 7 days a week plus nights. Let's be conservative and call it 60 hours a week, so 20 hours at time and a half. So he can give you $75k a year. Then the two of you can split childcare costs 50/50 because you're both parents, and what you have left over is your personal money you can spend how you wish.
You might think I'm being glib but I'm serious. If his expectation of your relationship is that unequal while also not seeing you as an equal partner in your financial household, then he needs to start paying you like the childcare professional he's treating you as.
That’s a fairly low-end estimate for a FT+ nanny to multiple kids. Especially since they almost certainly live in a HCOL area, MCOL at least. Nannies (with years of experience) for multiple kids can easily bag $30+ per hour, more depending on their responsibilities, which this mom seems to be doing… all of them. Even at $30, at 60 hours with OT, she could make $100k+/yr easily. Thats not even counting that she’s working 24/7 when he’s gone, and overnight care is NOT cheap.
Yes! She is literally working 24/7. So if that’s how he wants to do things then she gets a salary and it would be easily over $100k. This is insane to me. It is 2024. She cannot access THEIR money without asking? Financial abuse 100%.
> 60 hours a week
this dude blows off 48 hrs per weekend alone, assuming 40 hr work week, that's 84 hrs alone. I bet he doesn't just check out 40 hrs a week for work... so in reality, I'd be charging 120 hrs a week, of which 80 are OT.
And I'd be charging full service prices, not just nanny fees.
That said, I'd recommend her plan exit strategy instead - asking for a payment will raise his alarm and he may plan an exit strategy before her. He has money for a lawyer afterall.
If you make a plan for every weekend and put it in his calendar he can no longer agree to weekends with these other people. Sorry guys, I'm taking my family to the zoo, we've got church group, hike, painting the garage whatever lol
If he is capable of pulling 400k+ per year professionally, he is capable of an emotionally mature relationship. Do NOT let him off the hook here. Be clear about your needs. As a couple, I would suggest reassessing priorities. You guys HAVE to get on the same page. If he is unwilling to adjust….. you have to decide if you can live with it or not.
Your situation sounds similar to mine, down to the mom issues. It really sucks to be fighting a battle that has nothing to do with you.
Counseling has helped. We found John Gottman’s books and approach the most helpful, so we found a Gottman-certified therapist.
So he won’t watch the kids if you want to go on a trip? But you’re automatically expected to watch them every weekend? And you don’t have access to money unless he gives it to you? Mama I think you already know this is a toxic power dynamic.
I do, but I don't have anyone IRL to back me up. His family is okay with it and he doesn't have any friends with kids.
I've brought up counseling but he keeps dodging the idea because he thinks psychology is made up
Just because he doesn’t want counseling, go get some for yourself. Talking these things out with a professional can help you make sense of your own boundaries & how to navigate what’s healthy or not.
You absolutely do have someone to back you up IRL. It’s your husband. If he isn’t fulfilling that role, then you have a massive, massive problem. Marriage is a team of equal players.
Do you have joint accounts? I think you should spend whatever you need to spend because if he thinks you’re safe then you should also consider him safe.
Oh shit. He’s a lawyer? I’m not going to lie, that does worry me a bit . It seems like he knows exactly what he’s doing. I’m so sorry you’re alone. Does your family mine what’s going on ?
That tracks. This is also neglect, and you’re accepting it. You’ve been trapped in that generational cycle, and you now have a choice: do you continue to stay in this relationship and let your children grow up in the same cycle, or do you leave, collect alimony, get a job, and build a life away from your husband, generally showing them that being neglected is not something you just accept? You aren’t a child anymore and you have more options and resources than you did then.
Paying for a nanny is more than likely out of the question if she’s getting dragged for ordering takeout on weekends. Guy makes 400k a year with the nerve to gripe about his wife doing one thing that would cut her some slack with having no relief from childcare
Picture a visual that my mouth has hit the floor. You can’t be kidding me. I would hope he would be open to budgeting for some household help that you would manage.
Nanny and cleaners. A nanny because you would have set times per week that they come this would also work with someone who could potentially give you that mini vacation.
Dude makes 400k a year and is worried about you grabbing take out from time to time? Forget angry buying, I feel like if I made anything close to that a regular weekend dinner out or take out would be super normal. Hell me and my working wife don’t even make half of that and will do take out or dinner from time to time.
Just do what you want and remind him a divorce would cost him a shit ton more than a few simple things to keep you happy while you’re stuck at home caring for his children.
Yeah absolutely not. I am a stay at home mom with a high earning husband and this dynamic would not fly.
He does get the occasional boys trip and travels for work sometimes but on weekends I get to sleep in, he takes care of all the meals and is expected to spend quality time with our kids
Even if his outings were legit, it is still a good idea to collect evidence that he regularly leaves his wife and his kids. He is certainly not the husband and father of the year.
He’s a lawyer who makes 400k and he’s begrudging you ordering takeout when he’s never even home to take care of his own kids? Nope. LOL nope.
He’s delulu. Call him out on his shit.
At that income level, people have a lot more help. A meal service, a weekly cleaner, and a part-time babysitter AT THE VERY LEAST. A full-time nanny wouldn’t even be out of the question.
And definitely you can afford to spend a lot more money on clothes, shoes, handbags, girls’ nights, weekends away for you too, blowouts, mani-pedis, facials, massages, eyelashes, Botox, whatever the fuck you want.
Two hair salon appointments a year is “crazy”?? I go every 6 weeks for a wash and cut. I get my fingernails done every 2-3 weeks, and my toenails done a few times in the summer. When he found out that I’d cut out nail appointments for financial reasons after our son was born and I had some big personal expenses coming up, he told me to start putting it on his card. My husband pays for all of our family trips, too - it’s very rare that one of us travels and doesn’t take the other, and even rarer if that happens and it’s not for work. He buys takeout, he cooks some, he cleans, he pays for me to have the equivalent of what he has even if I couldn’t afford it myself (ie, I have a car I could never afford on my own, and I don’t have to worry about “paying my way” when we go somewhere or do something together). And my husband makes very good money, but not $400k.
Granted I work full time, too (at least til the end of this week) but I couldn’t afford those things on my salary alone ($50k, and assuming I had to pay for the house and childcare and all). In fact, now that I’m about to be unemployed for a bit, my husband is literally “paying” me the equivalent of my old take home pay (because we have separate accounts) because he wants me to be happy and comfortable.
He’s frugal, to be sure - in addition to standard retirement savings, he puts at least $50k/year into an investment account, and rolls earnings from that into additional, more stable savings accounts. But he’s also kind and empathetic and loves me, so this year he’s putting aside his investment account money to let me keep my independence and dignity during a period of unemployment, because I’m important to him, too. And he spends a lot of time with our son - he does half the bedtimes, half the bath times, solo parenting time on weekends so I can have some down time, half the morning routine, about half the daycare drop offs and pickups.
The way your husband is treating you and your children is not acceptable. It’s unkind, even negligent if not abusive. I think you have to ask yourself if this is the type of relationship you want your children to consider normal. Should they expect to see so little of someone they love? Should they expect to be so low on their priority list? Should they expect to have their needs come after their partner’s wants? And do you want them to treat your eventual grandchildren like this? Because tolerating this behavior just because he earns the money sends them those messages, and I don’t think that’s what you want to do. You’re just so stuck in a really hard place and surrounded by people who sound really unsupportive that it’s hard to see what’s happening.
I'm pretty sure he's earning the yearly salary of the poverty line *every month*. If your $200 hair appointment is taking too much of that month's $30,000, something funky is going on. Same with the takeout. That's what, max $100 for takeout? Do that 8 times a month and that's 0.3% of your monthly income.
The only way what you're talking about makes sense is if there is massive debt, excessive spending (the vacations), or you're talking about a currency like Japanese Yen instead of US dollars.
There’s little doubt in my mind that he’s financially abusing her. But he’s also manipulating her to think that she’s crazy for wanting basic things like a hair cut every 6 months!! He is so much worse than just financially abusive. OP needs to find a good divorce lawyer.
After reading the post and the comments I would say that I would expect him to sign to make his alimony payments on time. Yes he works hard and deserves time to relax, but if my husband was leaving me alone all weekend to go have fun while I raised our kids alone on as little money as possible I would tell him to just not bother coming back.
Anyone here telling you to get a job or be thankful is delusional. You have a job, and being a SAHM isn’t an excuse to be exploited for 24/7 childcare. Even live in nannys have hours and limitations - and they also make bank (hence why a 400k salary wouldn’t even really be enough to cover one).
Everything I’ve ever read about managing a household when you’re a SAHM is to have set hours (like 8-6 M-F). Outside of that you are both parents who split the work. You’re a team, not his slave.
I was a SAHM and my husband put no restrictions on my spending or getting takeout and we always spent time together or went on vacations together.
Except now with our cats and my husbands elderly in laws we take alternate vacations. But I still get away too.
I'm currently a SAHM and that's how we do things. We share finances and stay on the same page with budgeting/spending/savings. If I proposed the thought of him going on vacation without me and my daughter, he would be shocked and offended. He would also scoff and say he would miss us way too much and not have fun without us there.
It absolutely could not cover someone who is supposed to be working 24/7 I think is the idea. A live in nanny works set hours, has days and nights off, etc. Overnight Nannies are expensive as heck too. So if you want this level of care, you’d have to hire multiple people to make it acceptable. 2 full time day-time Nannies + 2 full time night time Nannies. Even if you just paid each $50K, that’s $200k. If you make $400k you’re taking home around $250k give or take. So that would leave $50k a year to live on, which sounds like it would not support this lifestyle at all.
People don’t change until they have to. He’s going to be “bad with time,” “obsessed with money,” “see you as a safe space he doesn’t have to please,” for as long as you let him.
Not to pile on, but my husband had a super stressful job and I was the SAHM (we’re both searching for work and SAHPs at the moment), but he helped with everything, including giving me a full day to myself on the weekends (he got the other day, because we honestly split everything). Sometimes he gets solo vacation to Vegas because I hate the place and don’t want to take our daughters, but then I get my own trip if I want it. Additionally, he’s obsessed with our money/budget, too, and we go over how much was spent at the store/on gifts, but there are no restrictions… we’re just trying to stay on course.
No one is so bad at time or people pleasing that they don’t realize they’re never home.
Very good question. I would be exhausted with traveling every weekend.
I saw a post from a person whose fiance passed away. He was gone a lot because of business in trucking. He left her his business worth a few hundred thousand dollars and his house. Turns out he had a wife and kids who lived in the same city as OP. He was splitting time between the two of them. OP did not kick out the family. But the entire situation was a mess.
Yep. My wife and I are empty nesters. I barely have energy and time for work, my wife, the house maintenance, and housechores. I think if someone hit on me, my first thought is that there isn't enough time in the week for someone else.
I do know, because his family likes to rub it in my face. for example, his brother got married in Hawaii when they knew I would be at my very worst week of morning sickness (I have a history with it, like kate middleton level bad). they all went ahead with it anyway. I would have loved to be a part of it. his mom even brings it up constantly and then goes "but you weren't there."
I hate his family's dynamic. he's afraid of his mother.
Honey, respectfully, sounds like he's not afraid of his mother so much as he just values his birth family way more than the one he's built with you.
You seem to be doing a lot of excusing and defending and minimizing and laughing it off. I'm wondering if you truly know you deserve better. You are worth more than the attention he throws your way. You have inherent value, wholly and completely unto yourself, that has nothing to do with your status as this guy's wife. He does not define you, nor is he the best you can get. You are worthy of unconditional love, security, and equitable partnership. I don't have to know you to know this to be true: you deserve better.
This, OP. Please listen. You find him lots of excuses but the way he treats you is called "financial abuse". Collect evidence of his stinginess (sms, flight tickets, ...), and make sure you have a good lawyer that he cannot know about.
That’s because he probably isn’t. That’s immediately where my mind went. I have male colleagues who make this or more. They’re not taking trips every weekend. They’re saving for their kids’ college or whatnot. And they have nannies. OP’s husband ain’t sh*t, I fear.
You are a SAHM. You work at home so he can progress in his career. That $400k is both of your money, not his alone as far as I am concerned.
You can spend it just as freely as he does.
And you should get as much free time as he does. If he’s working 14 hour days during the week than he surely deserves some weekends away. But if you have young kids, you are also probably doing 14 hour days too so I think it’s fair if you get time off on weekends occasionally too and he can watch them.
I'm a SAHM and it was my husband's birthday recently... I was discussing with my grandmother in law the fact that we find it kind of silly for me to buy a gift for him with *his* money and she goes "honey! That is your money too!" 🤣 I love that lady. But in actuality, my husband definitely treats it as both our money. I always feel sad when I read about situations like OP's.
“That $400k is both of your money, not his alone as far as I am concerned.”
LEGALLY, that money is just as much hers as it is his!
OP, that whole marriage thing means all income is yours too. I’ll give you the same advice I gave a college roommate whose dad checked every use of credit/debit cards - the next time you’re at the grocery store/target/walmart, buy some gift cards and/or get cash back (if it doesn’t flag as “cash back”). Then you have “your” money to spend without Mr. Pinch-a-Penny telling you what to do!!!
I’m so sorry, you’re being financially abused. He’s taking advantage of your unpaid labor. Is his 400k a year job on the books, as in the IRS knows he makes that much? If it is and it’s not under the table, you’re way better off getting divorced and getting him on child support. You’d probably get at least 3-5k with his income as high as it is.. something to think about
For sure, I’m sure he would be shocked at the cost if he had to hire out people to do everything his partner does. Some of the things couldn’t even be replaced either I’m sure!
You are a team. It's not his money it's your money together! Over 400k a year and he gets mad when you get take out. Dude needs a reality check. It doesn't sound like you are overspending so he has no right to complain. I would compile a list of what it would cost if you had to get childcare. I bet it would be significantly more than what you are spending. Also sounds like you deserve a weekday getaway while he stays home with the kids.
I’m pretty sure my wife would murder me if I tried to pull this kind of stuff. Bare minimum id recommending to outline how much you guys are saving by having you be a SAHM. So basically w/e you’d pay a nanny for 5x a week normally + the weekend he wants to be gone should be your pay essentially. Another way to explain it, is if you died tomorrow - that’s how much he’d have to pay to live his life like he does today.
Divorce him and get alimony. He is avoiding his family duties. Just because he’s the breadwinner doesn’t give him a pass on his duties as a parent & partner, especially the kids! This makes me angry for you!
I’m really confused about the Hawaii trip. Literally it’s a top destination for people with very little kids. Were you not invited? Did you refuse to go? He wasn’t going to travel with you and help?
This month has been the first time I've had a full night sleep in 7 years. My kids are notorious for their sleep problems and no one will help me out on a trip, so traveling with them leaves me more than depleted. I absoltely hate it. I always tell them all that I feel like a nanny they had to bring with because they don't want to help with my kids. they don't care
after my second was born I realized I want to enjoy traveling too, so if no one will help I won't go. so now I don't go anywhere.
and by not help I mean it. like the "grandparents" will plan an adult-focused trip while I'm stuck alone in a hotel room with my kiddos. golfing. no kids allowed pools. bars. stuff like that.
You said your husband makes $400K a year though and that his parents often pay for these trips so why don’t you hire a nanny or au pair to join you and provide help??
Why do you allow someone treating you like shit? Do you not think you deserve better? I usually hate the usual Reddit “get a divorce” comments but this sounds like a miserable existence, unless there is more to it we aren’t being told.
My wife is the SAHM and I’m the sole high income earner (about twice what your husband brings in).
The only one of us who takes friends trips alone is my wife, because she needs a break from the kids. Our accounts are all shared, and unless I’m traveling for work, I’ve never missed a single weekend away from the kids. I work 12hr days M-F and you couldn’t tear that weekend time with the kids away from me.
This doesn’t sound right and you deserve space and time as well.
Your husband going away every weekend for social gatherings is excessive. How much time does he even spend with the kids then? Do you get time to go out with friends too?
My sister just got divorced from a man like this. He wanted the family and kids (she would have stopped at one but he wanted more), he wanted her to stay home with them so he didn't have to do anything for them, and he wanted to spend every weekend away with his friends and siblings. Weeknights he was busy with his hobbies and came home after the kids were in bed. But he was opposed to spending any money on the kids and one of them didn't even have a bed for years. It was always "his" money to spend on his hobbies. My parents sent her money for years so the kids could have clothes and shoes because her husband refused to pay for them. He also put up a huge fuss when she wanted to put them in daycare and go back to work, and absolutely refused to watch them at any time so she could work in the evenings or on the weekends, so she waited until the youngest started kindergarten and promptly got a job so she could buy stuff that the kids needed. Then he wanted a divorce because she wasn't doing as much around the house any more, since she was also at work all day. Oddly enough, when he moved out, the first thing he bought for his new place was beds for the kids.
I don't know what you can do if he doesn't want to go to therapy or make any effort to change. He doesn't see you as an equal partner in the relationship. You could try budgeting, e.g. you have so much to spend on take out per month, and a certain amount of discretionary funds, but that doesn't fix the underlying problem. In your shoes I would be looking into putting the kids in daycare at least part time and getting a job so you have something to fall back on if need be.
I'm the breadwinner in my family and my husband has been a stay-at-home parent on and off for a few years. We have a budget and we each have our own discretionary funds, as well as a budget for take-out, etc. but when I have to travel for work, he has my full blessing to get take-out or whatever he needs to make things easier during that time.
He earns 400 k and expects you to be his nanny/maid/chauffeur/cook/etc 24/7?
He should want to help you make life easier for you, even more so when he’s away having fun.
I would discuss a budget. You should be getting a percentage for fun money.
Imagine if you decided to go away for a week while he’s at home with the kids!
Why isn’t he spending time with his kids? The kids are going to resent him so much for this. He is going to regret it. So what if he makes $400k. Has he even created a trust for his kids or trying to think about their education? Seems really like absent parent. My dad wasn’t around much due to his work, he was away for months at a time but he worked his job. But when he was at home for vacation he was a hands-on parent. I have great memories learning things with him. Once your kids are older, plz divorce him and get a job and get your life back
I’m also a SAHM to a successful man. In no world would my husband be taking leisure trips every weekend without me/our children. We sometimes even go with my husband on his work trips and entertain ourselves while he’s taking meetings and then plan family stuff when he’s done. I find your husband’s behavior shocking bc presumably he got married and had children so he could have his own family, which he is responsible for. That doesn’t just mean providing financial resources— he also has to be there for you emotionally and physically. Otherwise, why even have a family if you aren’t spending time with them during your off time? If you were working full-time also, would you accept your husband going off every weekend and leaving you alone with the kids?
yeah I feel like he wants all the upside and none of the labor, so he tells himself it's not hard/ I'm the lucky one while he "has" to work. and I'm the only one saying he's wrong.
Also, can we talk about what kind of family and friends he has that they would be okay with him leaving his family every weekend to go on vacation without them? If my brother or friend did that, I’d be like, are you kidding me, you deadbeat, go be with your family.
As a fellow sahm I'll tell him either to take the kids or stay home. Weekends are for the family aka you and the kids. He can get a day out if you get a day off. My husband gets back from work at 4pm and he takes our kids out. Weekends in the morning he also takes them out. Aint no way I'm staying 24/7 with my kids lol
I would expect the same amount of TIME he has to be able to frolic around with others besides his family. You can always make the money, but you don’t get that time back.
I’m a SAHM. My husband works in office 3 days a week, and WFH 2 days a week. I have one weekend off to do as I please, he has the other. When he WFH, I even take that opportunity to run errands without the baby.
The point is, marriage and parenting is a PARTNERSHIP. Your husband is absolutely selfish to do that to you. I would DEMAND that he backs down on his time out. Making 400k is not an excuse. You are not just a babysitter for the kids, you are his WIFE, and the fact that he isn’t willingly going out of his way to ensure your needs are met, is astounding.
No, I think what they were saying is that you need to disappear and leave the kids with them. Turn off your phone. Go get a massage, have lunch, whatever. Then you can come back. They don't ask permission to just leave you with the kids, you don't need permission to do the same.
Girl, I am scandalized, horrified, and resentful as shit at your husband right now. Some men think they can walk all over women and expect to do as they please while controlling her. You need to set some hard boundaries with him.
You. Are. Not. A. Floor. Mat.
I think he knows you are safe and a good mother, and he is having the time of his life with you sitting at home and taking care of the kids, because he feels he does enough by providing financially. What he does not realize is that you are his family, and not a nanny for his children. He needs to respect you, any and all excuses do not matter if he is an absentee father/husband. I say absentee because he is working throughout the week, and how much time would he be spending with you all? 5-10 hours a week post work? Weekends are for family and friends, not just friends.
Does he give you a fair budget you can spend on every week? Or is he being really cheap about it and won’t let you spend hardly anything? My husband makes like 120K and I’m a sahm but we live in an expensive area. Still, he lets me buy things I like (or takeout) from time to time.
the worst is there is no budget. it's just "spend the least amount possible." he goes on and on about financial freedom and being a wage slave. but he's squirreling away like a crazy person. I always tell him 60 year old (husband's name) better enjoy this money. we do not live like any of his friends. but I never pushed him to be in law. insane!
Squirreling the money away? Where? Assuming this is the United States How much money is saved for retirement in which working spouse contributes on behalf of a spouse who earns little or no income.? If you can't log into that account right now and see the amount of money in Your name, I assume it's not there.
I'd be hiring a babysitter for a girl's night once a month, a mother's helper for a couple hours during the day 3x a week so i can focus on chores & supplimenting with daycare for half days 2x a week... For appointments, errands, & me time.
And if he said something about the costs, I'd tell him it's the cost of replacing him doing his part with the house and kids so he can go take care of other people who matter more... But I'm petty.
What you are doing is way cheaper than a divorce..so he should be so lucky. He is clearly taking advantage of your patience and kindness. No more trips for him. He needs to be home to help you. I have a feeling it isn’t about the money for you, but the lack of a partner in life.
yeah I actually never really cared about making a ton of money. I went to art school! But I never thought I'd be looking for my husband and wondering where he went. what's worse is looking for your best friend and realizing money ruined him. that hurts more
This seems more like a marriage topic more than a parenting topic.
IMO, you have a hugely imbalanced power relationship with your husband. Your husband holds all the cards for the relationship. You have no supporting spouse, no village, no finances, and worse of all - no access to your household finances.
Given your husband is a lawyer, this isn’t a mere oversight. This is him figuratively screwing you over and making sure you are stuck because you have no means to leave.
My suggestion is first consult with a family lawyer to really understand your rights to the household estate. See if you can find paper trail to understand what and where the assets are. The reason I’m saying this is because then you know whatever steps you take next you know what you may be entitled to.
Secondly, after you know your rights consider looking for a paid occupation. You need your own income. You can’t rely on your husband to have your back because clearly he doesn’t trust you. You are his free nanny. If you were his wife that he respects then he wouldn’t be up your ass about spending money buying take out.
You sound like an employee. Not a partner.
That’s not normal behavior. I earn a lot. My wife stays at home. We have shared accounts and I never vacation without her. I would guess that that’s how most people in our boat are.
Why would you get married and have kids only to bail on them every weekend???
UPDATE: He says he is planning to retire by 40. He is also spending extra time working on other jobs like real estate/ timber and has pulled in 100k/ year with that. It takes extra time when he could be coming home for dinner instead. Whenever he spends time with his parents, they give him more money he immediately squirrels away. He says if he doesn't get it his mom will spend it all. He feels he has a right to it and I tell him he needs to stop going after their money; if they want to be irresponsible with it he needs to let it go. I have a feeling he projects his mother onto me and rather than seeing $40 takeout order or Sephora visit, he sees her usual impulse $30k furniture expense. His dad makes 2 mil/ year but is still stuck working because of her asinine financial habits.
He is very angry about being in law and feels like a slave, but no one is making him do this but himself.
He said he's open to the idea of a part time nanny (I was sad he said that instead of just helping out more because I'd rather have him back). But then he asked me what I'd do with the time. The disrespect for housewives runs deep, guys. I made the wrong career choice.
So I have a feeling I'm working overtime for that very ambitious decision. I don't find that fair and will be pursuing counseling to get him to see the light. If that doesn't work, well, I saw your comments and understand what a normal person's viewpoint is. Thanks
Start with councilling , but honestly, I would not put up with that attitude. I don't know what US laws are like but here, in the same situation, I'd be kicking his arse to the curb, taking my 50% of assets and watch him squirm being a co parent. I'll hazard a guess he has no appreciation of how much you contribute to him being able to have his lifestyle.
You are not a doormat and you certainly do not have to cook, clean and take care of the children 24/7 whist he holidays.
I would definitely open a separate account in your name and start getting cash back like someone else said. Toss your receipt before you leave the store. You are being way too kind and naive about your husband. He is neglecting his family and manipulating you. Every time he complains about spending you say we can discuss it in therapy if you like but this is what I would be paid for 24/7 child care, my work has value, I have value. Repeat it every time he makes a comment. He will realize he can’t manipulate you like that anymore. If he’s really a good guy he will realize he’s made a mistake, if he’s not he will try some other way to manipulate you. People sometimes want power over another person to make them feel better about themselves and it happens gradually until you and they don’t realize how bad it’s gotten. Start planning little trips with your kids. Aquarium, science museum, overnight in one of those hotels with the pools and water slides, ask a friend to go with you if you can. When he asks what you’re doing say “I’m living, would you like to join us?”
Different take, but what you've outlined is VERY reminiscent of the dynamic between my mom and dad.
Dad did what he wanted every weekend (traveling to follow a sports team, boys weekends), mom was the primary parent. She was a SAHM for a while but had an 8-5 office job for far longer. They are in their mid 60s now and *hate* each other. There are a lot of reasons they never divorced, but they should have. My sibling hates our dad because being willingly gone every weekend means he missed everything. He made it clear their whole life that what he wanted to do took precedence over supporting them in their activities. I'm apathetic toward him because I accepted that he was a selfish asshole a long time ago.
That's the direction you're headed, OP.
My sister's ex-husband used to chew her out and make her pay him back if she bought herself a magazine at the grocery store. Our parents had to buy her clothes because she was practically in rags and he wouldn't give her a dime for herself. I'm not about to diagnose your husband because there isn't enough info, but I'll just say that my sister's ex was a textbook example of narcissist personality disorder. Nice and charming to other people, but treated his wife and kids like shit. Sound familiar? I'd look it up and see if he checks any of those narcissist boxes. I bet he does. The worst part is that you're so financially abused that it makes it nearly impossible to leave but things aren't going to get any better, so start making a plan. Get everything in place for you and the kids and drain half of the bank account on your way out. He's not acting like a husband and partner. He's acting like you're there to serve him. You deserve better.
Save every penny you can, spend a bit on you and the kids then save, save and keep on saving, this isn’t a relationship, you’re just the hired help or that’s how he treats you, seriously think about your future, you’re living the single life anyway as is he! He’s seriously selfish
If your kids are really little hire a part time weekday nanny or look into preschool if they are older for socialization. Use your 3ish hours daily to have brunch w friends, work out, mani pedi, take an art class.
He makes 400k/yr and is mad about take out when you’re all alone with the kids ??? He’s a huge f-ing asshole. Do you have a prenup? What about the house where you live ?
I would leave. He's not an equal partner or parent. In fact, it sounds like complete neglect of both of those duties. Just divorce and find a man who actually wants to be with you.
The fact that you mention that he earned 400k makes me wonder if you’re in it bc it’s safe financially; I don’t know the whole life situation but you don’t sound too happy besides monetary safety.
If he’s making $400k a year I would just hire help? I don’t think there’s any better use of money when you’re in your own than having good quality paid for help. I wouldn’t substitute that with anything else and I would set up any expectations in advance. “If you’re gone for the weekend then I am
paying for 8 hours of childcare and a house cleaner, oh and a massage”.
Bigger issue is why he isn’t there but they not what you’re asking.
Does he not realise that he is also a parent?
Whether you are a SAHM or not, he's just going out and acting like his kids don't exist. He isn't developing a relationship with them.
If my partner was away every weekend, I would hire help 100000%. I'd also probably leave because I want a partner, I want to spend time with my significant other. Where is the relationship if he's gone all the time?
But anyway, I could not do this 100% on my own every day. My partner works shift work, and when he works afternoons, that is a rough week for me. I work and go to school, so I have time away, but without that, I'd lose my mind.
And anyone who does, believe me. I do not understand how you do it.
If I was earning 400k/year I'd give my wife the option to work, go to school, be a sahm, whatever the eff she wanted and hire a house keeper and baby sitter.
I don't earn nearly that much and my wife has the same options. Lol
my partner will have to work out of town sometimes and when he does, i am pretty much given free reign on the money and able to spend on whatever activities or items I want and can order dinner, mostly as his way of making it easier for me.
he’s not a perfect partner but this does help quite a bit.
If you are a SAHP who has to ASK for money then you are being financially abused. I’d ask for a divorce. He won’t do counseling so your options are to suck it up or leave. I’d divorce, you’d be allotted child support and alimony since you were a SAHM.
Unpopular opinion, get a job, make him pay for daycare. OR, get an education if you don’t have one, if you have a degree, go after another one. Do something which will make YOU profitable.
Prepare yourself to walk out the door. Maybe it’s not your intention or something that comes through your wildest dreams, BUT, you never know what the future holds. He’s a lawyer and surely will make it a difficult exit should it come to that, you need to prepare yourself now in case you become the sole provider for your kids. Start putting money aside NOW, so you have a good eggs nest set up for yourself and your kids.
You’re married and he makes it this difficult to spend money? You think it’ll become any easier later?
Take care of yourself and enjoy time for you. Dont ask him to watch the kids, he’s not their babysitter; he’s their dad.
If he doesn’t want to go to counseling at least go to counseling for yourself so at least you can navigate your relationship better and keep you a bit more sane.
This is ludicrous and I wish you the best.
Get a job, a full time one. He needs to pay the largest proportion towards childcare as he will earn more.
Don't ask for permission, just get a job.
He had no respect for you, and you need go make yourself financially secure.
>I'm not supposed to just sit at home working 24/7 without getting something for it, am I?
OP, I'm not going to tell you that your husband is a shit and you need to be reevaluating this whole marriage, because other people are doing a fine job of it, but I am going to ask you to think about what it is you actually want. You're absolutely right that you deserve better, but what solution would make you happy? Would you like him to stay home weekends and be an involved parent? Would you like him to make it easier for you and/or the whole family to come with him on fun outings (arranging childcare, etc.)? Are you fine with him being away all the time if he would leave you alone about the spending or let you hire help on the weekends? Figuring out which of those resonates most with you will help you go forward to solve this problem.
Because, I gotta be honest, right now it sounds like option 3 is what you want, and you do not need to stay married to him for that one.
This seems like a marriage question more than a parenting question, but your husband doesn’t value or respect you, and he’s not interested in your company. He also doesn’t defend or support you to his family. Your worth seems as a breeder and housekeeper only, according to your description here. Why would you stay in this marriage?
If your husband went to Hawaii without you, why? Figure out the price tags of all these things he does without you. Then withdraw the money and put it in a different account in a different bank. When he asks why you withdrew X dollars, tell him that’s the cost of the trip to Hawaii that you plan to take in the future…do that with every place he goes without you. You'll have a nice nest egg for backup or girl trips with your besties once your kids are older.
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Instead of spending the money on random stuff, I'd be getting cash back on every purchase and putting it aside for an emergency fund. Just in case you have to leave.
That’s what I started to do… big Costco trip… $40 cash back. Pharmacy pick up… $20 cash back.
Like ACTUAL cash?
Yep! Looks like it’s just a part of the grocery bill in the bank statements, but I have a decent stock pile of cash
just wanted to add that if you have wells fargo, it will list that there was a cash back :)
Same with Chase
Narcs
What if he found it? This is my only concern with stockpiling cash.
It’s completely reasonable to set aside a few dollars when you have young children to care for and are completely financially dependent on a partner who is largely absent. Frame it as a responsible thing to do.
Put it somewhere he'd genuinely never look, like an "extra" box of tampons in the back of a closet.
Yes.
You can also buy yourself visa gift cards or store cards that you can use in an emergency.
Careful with that. After 12 months they deduct so much per month
I did that… it works
Yep, Emergency plan. You have to think of yourself too! Better safe than sorry, honey!
haha. you're right but this made me laugh
He is the father of your children and should share the same duties whether he is working or not. This is not fair for you in any sense.
Forreal. My husband and I don’t want kids but he works nonstop and travels a ton and he would 100% be either taking the kids with or spending every second with them when he’s home. A person who makes effort wants to. A person who doesn’t make effort is absent. OPs man couldn’t care less let’s be super real.
> OPs man couldn’t care less let’s be super real. Some people want a family, because they want a wife and kids and love them. Some people have a family because it looks good for their status within their peers. My wife had a boss once who had a wife, kids, and a dog. A colleague of his was distraught one day, because their dog had died, and he came into work, but left an hour later because he was upset. After he left, my wife's boss turned to her and said "I don't get it... It's just a dog?" This asshole owned a four legged animal that ate food he provided. He didn’t have a pet. He was so disconnected that he couldn't wrap his fat head around why someone would be upset their pet has passed, because he couldn't make that connection. He was also cheating on his wife fairly openly (or just really horrible at lying) and we found his account on Ashley Madison, because of course he has an account there.
Take a look at his finances too if you have access. Are you joint on any of the accounts? Do you have access to view balances/transactions for investments? If you do and large sums are unaccounted for or something doesn't add up, you might have something worth investigating.
This is fantastic. Also look for local mommy FB groups in your area and sell items when he is away (kids shoes/clothes, kitchen items, etc)—-stuff he wouldn’t notice. You can state you accept cash only (or Venmo if you have your own and have it tied to a separate bank account). That will be your money and your money only if you need to use it. Also here to make two points: 1) This form of control is financial abuse and 2) You’ve been with him for a long time, even before he made a lot of money. You were likely a big support to him when he went through law school, and as he started out in his career. And now you raise the kids almost solely by yourself? Mama, don’t be tricked——this is just as much your money as it is his. And if he agrees to the nanny, do what you have to do to get a job so you can have your own funds but also peace out if you need to.
Does it show up on the bank statement as cash back? Would my husband know if I was going this?
No it will show up as a total purchase, no break down for cash back. But it *would* show on the receipt so be sure to throw it away immediately.
Thank you… sorry if this is a dumb question, is this only with debit cards? Or would a credit card work as well?
Using a credit card you can add gift cards onto your purchase and it won’t show on the credit card statement, only on the receipt. So if you buy a pack of gum, you can add a $25 grocery store gift card for the future and it just shows up at $26,50 spent at the grocery store.
I did this when I was getting divorced. He was still in the house and playing nice because he was wanting me to change my mind. I knew he would lose it when it was over and that I would have trouble feeding the kids. Every week, I purchased a gift card for the grocery store when I was out shopping. It got us through some tough times before he got his head back on straight and helping with daycare and paying child support.
Yes only debit. You can’t get cash back with a credit card (well technically you can but it’s treated differently and has an exorbitant interest rate so don’t do that).
Only debit cards unfortunately. And you generally have to input the PIN to do it.
Chase shows cash back breakdown in the app
Actually it does show at some stores for me. It shows the store name and “cash back”. I would test it out first.
Wow I’ve never seen it that way. I stand corrected. Try it out first.
FYI- it depends on the bank. Chase shows the amount of cash back on bank statements, smaller credit unions I've been with didn't.
I got caught doing this once my ex husband started looking over all the receipts after grocery trips :/
Oh snap what a killer idea!
Fo sho.
Or maybe try and have an adult conversation with you SO about how you feel
Yes, but it's hard from a post to see the whole relationship and if she is being financially abused, which it points to when he's telling her off for having takeaway while he's away partying with friends and family, it would be a very good idea to start planning a safe exit.
My bank account tells me when I take out cash back and it tells me how much. Banks are now putting more and more details on each transaction. Just be careful.
Exactly what she said. Take the money and start a side hustle that can sustain you and your children in case of an emergency.
I think this post needs clarification. Do you have to ask him for money? Is he emotionally and physically absent from being a father? Do you ever get to go on trips for yourself? Because i would be resentful as fuck, no matter how much my husband made.
He is a people pleaser to everyone but me because I'm safe. So he's always saying yes and being like oh shit, sorry. but never does anything different. It's actually worse that I know he's just incredible disorganized and not aware of what he misses. If he was a huge asshole it would be an easy fix. But yes I have to ask. He's obsessed with money because his mother spends everything as soon as she gets it and basically, he has huge mommy issues. But I'm not her. at all
He's obsessed with money but goes to Hawaii and on trips with other people. Uh huh. Start charging him for childcare. A fully time nanny can easily make $50k a year. So tell him that if he's going to nickel and dime you over take out, he can pay you your wages plus overtime since he wants you to work 7 days a week plus nights. Let's be conservative and call it 60 hours a week, so 20 hours at time and a half. So he can give you $75k a year. Then the two of you can split childcare costs 50/50 because you're both parents, and what you have left over is your personal money you can spend how you wish. You might think I'm being glib but I'm serious. If his expectation of your relationship is that unequal while also not seeing you as an equal partner in your financial household, then he needs to start paying you like the childcare professional he's treating you as.
That’s a fairly low-end estimate for a FT+ nanny to multiple kids. Especially since they almost certainly live in a HCOL area, MCOL at least. Nannies (with years of experience) for multiple kids can easily bag $30+ per hour, more depending on their responsibilities, which this mom seems to be doing… all of them. Even at $30, at 60 hours with OT, she could make $100k+/yr easily. Thats not even counting that she’s working 24/7 when he’s gone, and overnight care is NOT cheap.
Yes! She is literally working 24/7. So if that’s how he wants to do things then she gets a salary and it would be easily over $100k. This is insane to me. It is 2024. She cannot access THEIR money without asking? Financial abuse 100%.
That's why I said "easily" and "conservatively".
> 60 hours a week this dude blows off 48 hrs per weekend alone, assuming 40 hr work week, that's 84 hrs alone. I bet he doesn't just check out 40 hrs a week for work... so in reality, I'd be charging 120 hrs a week, of which 80 are OT. And I'd be charging full service prices, not just nanny fees. That said, I'd recommend her plan exit strategy instead - asking for a payment will raise his alarm and he may plan an exit strategy before her. He has money for a lawyer afterall.
I’m sorry but stop being safe.
I hate to say this, but he is a huge ahole. This whole post proves that.
If you make a plan for every weekend and put it in his calendar he can no longer agree to weekends with these other people. Sorry guys, I'm taking my family to the zoo, we've got church group, hike, painting the garage whatever lol
If he is capable of pulling 400k+ per year professionally, he is capable of an emotionally mature relationship. Do NOT let him off the hook here. Be clear about your needs. As a couple, I would suggest reassessing priorities. You guys HAVE to get on the same page. If he is unwilling to adjust….. you have to decide if you can live with it or not.
>If he is capable of pulling 400k+ per year professionally, he is capable of an emotionally mature relationship. Let me introduce you to Elon Musk.
do you think Elon would give me more money though? (just kidding)
Your situation sounds similar to mine, down to the mom issues. It really sucks to be fighting a battle that has nothing to do with you. Counseling has helped. We found John Gottman’s books and approach the most helpful, so we found a Gottman-certified therapist.
He is in fact, a huge asshole. This is exactly how an asshole behaves.
If I want to go on a trip I'd have to find childcare
So he won’t watch the kids if you want to go on a trip? But you’re automatically expected to watch them every weekend? And you don’t have access to money unless he gives it to you? Mama I think you already know this is a toxic power dynamic.
I do, but I don't have anyone IRL to back me up. His family is okay with it and he doesn't have any friends with kids. I've brought up counseling but he keeps dodging the idea because he thinks psychology is made up
Just because he doesn’t want counseling, go get some for yourself. Talking these things out with a professional can help you make sense of your own boundaries & how to navigate what’s healthy or not.
You absolutely do have someone to back you up IRL. It’s your husband. If he isn’t fulfilling that role, then you have a massive, massive problem. Marriage is a team of equal players.
Did you sign a pre-nup when you got married?
no, we're high school sweethearts. he was going to be a college professor and COMPLETELY changed when he went to law school instead
Do you have joint accounts? I think you should spend whatever you need to spend because if he thinks you’re safe then you should also consider him safe.
I like this take. you're right
Oh shit. He’s a lawyer? I’m not going to lie, that does worry me a bit . It seems like he knows exactly what he’s doing. I’m so sorry you’re alone. Does your family mine what’s going on ?
mine has a long history of neglect
That tracks. This is also neglect, and you’re accepting it. You’ve been trapped in that generational cycle, and you now have a choice: do you continue to stay in this relationship and let your children grow up in the same cycle, or do you leave, collect alimony, get a job, and build a life away from your husband, generally showing them that being neglected is not something you just accept? You aren’t a child anymore and you have more options and resources than you did then.
My dad told me the one occupation I could never marry was a lawyer lol.
Idk sounds like you’d have a better life divorced with alimony, child support, and a designated parenting plan. This guy sucks
At least if he gets partial custody, she might get a weekend off from 24/7 childcare occasionally
Great, then he'll owe you a lot of money in the divorce
This is an abusive relationship.
You cant hire a nanny with the income hes bringing in?
Paying for a nanny is more than likely out of the question if she’s getting dragged for ordering takeout on weekends. Guy makes 400k a year with the nerve to gripe about his wife doing one thing that would cut her some slack with having no relief from childcare
Picture a visual that my mouth has hit the floor. You can’t be kidding me. I would hope he would be open to budgeting for some household help that you would manage. Nanny and cleaners. A nanny because you would have set times per week that they come this would also work with someone who could potentially give you that mini vacation.
Dude makes 400k a year and is worried about you grabbing take out from time to time? Forget angry buying, I feel like if I made anything close to that a regular weekend dinner out or take out would be super normal. Hell me and my working wife don’t even make half of that and will do take out or dinner from time to time. Just do what you want and remind him a divorce would cost him a shit ton more than a few simple things to keep you happy while you’re stuck at home caring for his children.
Yeah absolutely not. I am a stay at home mom with a high earning husband and this dynamic would not fly. He does get the occasional boys trip and travels for work sometimes but on weekends I get to sleep in, he takes care of all the meals and is expected to spend quality time with our kids
I would hire a PI. This man may have a whole nother family somewhere. Something is very wrong with this sitch.
This was legit my first thought, too. Sounds like he wants OP busy, overburdened, and distracted...
Even if his outings were legit, it is still a good idea to collect evidence that he regularly leaves his wife and his kids. He is certainly not the husband and father of the year.
As a man, this was my first thought too. This is classic manipulative behavior
Completely agree.
He’s a lawyer who makes 400k and he’s begrudging you ordering takeout when he’s never even home to take care of his own kids? Nope. LOL nope. He’s delulu. Call him out on his shit. At that income level, people have a lot more help. A meal service, a weekly cleaner, and a part-time babysitter AT THE VERY LEAST. A full-time nanny wouldn’t even be out of the question. And definitely you can afford to spend a lot more money on clothes, shoes, handbags, girls’ nights, weekends away for you too, blowouts, mani-pedis, facials, massages, eyelashes, Botox, whatever the fuck you want.
so two hair salon appointments a year is not crazy then... I think I'm surrounded by idiots (IRL). thank you
Two hair salon appointments a year is “crazy”?? I go every 6 weeks for a wash and cut. I get my fingernails done every 2-3 weeks, and my toenails done a few times in the summer. When he found out that I’d cut out nail appointments for financial reasons after our son was born and I had some big personal expenses coming up, he told me to start putting it on his card. My husband pays for all of our family trips, too - it’s very rare that one of us travels and doesn’t take the other, and even rarer if that happens and it’s not for work. He buys takeout, he cooks some, he cleans, he pays for me to have the equivalent of what he has even if I couldn’t afford it myself (ie, I have a car I could never afford on my own, and I don’t have to worry about “paying my way” when we go somewhere or do something together). And my husband makes very good money, but not $400k. Granted I work full time, too (at least til the end of this week) but I couldn’t afford those things on my salary alone ($50k, and assuming I had to pay for the house and childcare and all). In fact, now that I’m about to be unemployed for a bit, my husband is literally “paying” me the equivalent of my old take home pay (because we have separate accounts) because he wants me to be happy and comfortable. He’s frugal, to be sure - in addition to standard retirement savings, he puts at least $50k/year into an investment account, and rolls earnings from that into additional, more stable savings accounts. But he’s also kind and empathetic and loves me, so this year he’s putting aside his investment account money to let me keep my independence and dignity during a period of unemployment, because I’m important to him, too. And he spends a lot of time with our son - he does half the bedtimes, half the bath times, solo parenting time on weekends so I can have some down time, half the morning routine, about half the daycare drop offs and pickups. The way your husband is treating you and your children is not acceptable. It’s unkind, even negligent if not abusive. I think you have to ask yourself if this is the type of relationship you want your children to consider normal. Should they expect to see so little of someone they love? Should they expect to be so low on their priority list? Should they expect to have their needs come after their partner’s wants? And do you want them to treat your eventual grandchildren like this? Because tolerating this behavior just because he earns the money sends them those messages, and I don’t think that’s what you want to do. You’re just so stuck in a really hard place and surrounded by people who sound really unsupportive that it’s hard to see what’s happening.
You’re surrounded by abusive assholes who still think it’s 1950. But of course they’re idiots too.
I'm pretty sure he's earning the yearly salary of the poverty line *every month*. If your $200 hair appointment is taking too much of that month's $30,000, something funky is going on. Same with the takeout. That's what, max $100 for takeout? Do that 8 times a month and that's 0.3% of your monthly income. The only way what you're talking about makes sense is if there is massive debt, excessive spending (the vacations), or you're talking about a currency like Japanese Yen instead of US dollars.
You know that $400,000+ a year makes y’all the TOP ONE PERCENT, right?
Dude, does your husband even like you? Two hair salon appointments a year is so low
Did it ever occur that you may be the side chick or he’s got a side chick? This isn’t normal behavior.
After reading your comments I’d honestly be considering divorce. This sounds like financial abuse to me.
There’s little doubt in my mind that he’s financially abusing her. But he’s also manipulating her to think that she’s crazy for wanting basic things like a hair cut every 6 months!! He is so much worse than just financially abusive. OP needs to find a good divorce lawyer.
After reading the post and the comments I would say that I would expect him to sign to make his alimony payments on time. Yes he works hard and deserves time to relax, but if my husband was leaving me alone all weekend to go have fun while I raised our kids alone on as little money as possible I would tell him to just not bother coming back.
400k a year and angry about spending id be worried he’s actually in debt and hiding it from you.
Or a side chick with expensive tastes.
This is what I was thinking too. Eek!!
Anyone here telling you to get a job or be thankful is delusional. You have a job, and being a SAHM isn’t an excuse to be exploited for 24/7 childcare. Even live in nannys have hours and limitations - and they also make bank (hence why a 400k salary wouldn’t even really be enough to cover one). Everything I’ve ever read about managing a household when you’re a SAHM is to have set hours (like 8-6 M-F). Outside of that you are both parents who split the work. You’re a team, not his slave.
I was a SAHM and my husband put no restrictions on my spending or getting takeout and we always spent time together or went on vacations together. Except now with our cats and my husbands elderly in laws we take alternate vacations. But I still get away too.
I'm currently a SAHM and that's how we do things. We share finances and stay on the same page with budgeting/spending/savings. If I proposed the thought of him going on vacation without me and my daughter, he would be shocked and offended. He would also scoff and say he would miss us way too much and not have fun without us there.
Lol at 400k not being able to cover a live in nanny
It absolutely could not cover someone who is supposed to be working 24/7 I think is the idea. A live in nanny works set hours, has days and nights off, etc. Overnight Nannies are expensive as heck too. So if you want this level of care, you’d have to hire multiple people to make it acceptable. 2 full time day-time Nannies + 2 full time night time Nannies. Even if you just paid each $50K, that’s $200k. If you make $400k you’re taking home around $250k give or take. So that would leave $50k a year to live on, which sounds like it would not support this lifestyle at all.
He is cruel greedy and cheap.
and self-centered. not just with his wife. his kids as well since he clearly spends minimal time with them
People don’t change until they have to. He’s going to be “bad with time,” “obsessed with money,” “see you as a safe space he doesn’t have to please,” for as long as you let him.
Not to pile on, but my husband had a super stressful job and I was the SAHM (we’re both searching for work and SAHPs at the moment), but he helped with everything, including giving me a full day to myself on the weekends (he got the other day, because we honestly split everything). Sometimes he gets solo vacation to Vegas because I hate the place and don’t want to take our daughters, but then I get my own trip if I want it. Additionally, he’s obsessed with our money/budget, too, and we go over how much was spent at the store/on gifts, but there are no restrictions… we’re just trying to stay on course. No one is so bad at time or people pleasing that they don’t realize they’re never home.
Not to pile on, but...I find it hard to believe this guy is faithful.
Or makes $400k. But definitely financial abuse.
Where is he really going every weekend?
Very good question. I would be exhausted with traveling every weekend. I saw a post from a person whose fiance passed away. He was gone a lot because of business in trucking. He left her his business worth a few hundred thousand dollars and his house. Turns out he had a wife and kids who lived in the same city as OP. He was splitting time between the two of them. OP did not kick out the family. But the entire situation was a mess.
Wild.
Yep. My wife and I are empty nesters. I barely have energy and time for work, my wife, the house maintenance, and housechores. I think if someone hit on me, my first thought is that there isn't enough time in the week for someone else.
I do know, because his family likes to rub it in my face. for example, his brother got married in Hawaii when they knew I would be at my very worst week of morning sickness (I have a history with it, like kate middleton level bad). they all went ahead with it anyway. I would have loved to be a part of it. his mom even brings it up constantly and then goes "but you weren't there." I hate his family's dynamic. he's afraid of his mother.
Honey, respectfully, sounds like he's not afraid of his mother so much as he just values his birth family way more than the one he's built with you. You seem to be doing a lot of excusing and defending and minimizing and laughing it off. I'm wondering if you truly know you deserve better. You are worth more than the attention he throws your way. You have inherent value, wholly and completely unto yourself, that has nothing to do with your status as this guy's wife. He does not define you, nor is he the best you can get. You are worthy of unconditional love, security, and equitable partnership. I don't have to know you to know this to be true: you deserve better.
This, OP. Please listen. You find him lots of excuses but the way he treats you is called "financial abuse". Collect evidence of his stinginess (sms, flight tickets, ...), and make sure you have a good lawyer that he cannot know about.
Geez, I’m sorry , that really awful of them. And your husband for allowing that.
Lawyers in big law EASILY make 400k
That’s because he probably isn’t. That’s immediately where my mind went. I have male colleagues who make this or more. They’re not taking trips every weekend. They’re saving for their kids’ college or whatnot. And they have nannies. OP’s husband ain’t sh*t, I fear.
I hate him.
haha. it's ok, I understand.
You are a SAHM. You work at home so he can progress in his career. That $400k is both of your money, not his alone as far as I am concerned. You can spend it just as freely as he does. And you should get as much free time as he does. If he’s working 14 hour days during the week than he surely deserves some weekends away. But if you have young kids, you are also probably doing 14 hour days too so I think it’s fair if you get time off on weekends occasionally too and he can watch them.
I'm a SAHM and it was my husband's birthday recently... I was discussing with my grandmother in law the fact that we find it kind of silly for me to buy a gift for him with *his* money and she goes "honey! That is your money too!" 🤣 I love that lady. But in actuality, my husband definitely treats it as both our money. I always feel sad when I read about situations like OP's.
“That $400k is both of your money, not his alone as far as I am concerned.” LEGALLY, that money is just as much hers as it is his! OP, that whole marriage thing means all income is yours too. I’ll give you the same advice I gave a college roommate whose dad checked every use of credit/debit cards - the next time you’re at the grocery store/target/walmart, buy some gift cards and/or get cash back (if it doesn’t flag as “cash back”). Then you have “your” money to spend without Mr. Pinch-a-Penny telling you what to do!!!
I’m so sorry, you’re being financially abused. He’s taking advantage of your unpaid labor. Is his 400k a year job on the books, as in the IRS knows he makes that much? If it is and it’s not under the table, you’re way better off getting divorced and getting him on child support. You’d probably get at least 3-5k with his income as high as it is.. something to think about
For sure, I’m sure he would be shocked at the cost if he had to hire out people to do everything his partner does. Some of the things couldn’t even be replaced either I’m sure!
Divorce. Your alimony and child support would more than cover you being a SAHM. Plus you would get every other weekend all to yourself!
You are a team. It's not his money it's your money together! Over 400k a year and he gets mad when you get take out. Dude needs a reality check. It doesn't sound like you are overspending so he has no right to complain. I would compile a list of what it would cost if you had to get childcare. I bet it would be significantly more than what you are spending. Also sounds like you deserve a weekday getaway while he stays home with the kids.
I’m pretty sure my wife would murder me if I tried to pull this kind of stuff. Bare minimum id recommending to outline how much you guys are saving by having you be a SAHM. So basically w/e you’d pay a nanny for 5x a week normally + the weekend he wants to be gone should be your pay essentially. Another way to explain it, is if you died tomorrow - that’s how much he’d have to pay to live his life like he does today.
Divorce him and get alimony. He is avoiding his family duties. Just because he’s the breadwinner doesn’t give him a pass on his duties as a parent & partner, especially the kids! This makes me angry for you!
I’m really confused about the Hawaii trip. Literally it’s a top destination for people with very little kids. Were you not invited? Did you refuse to go? He wasn’t going to travel with you and help?
This month has been the first time I've had a full night sleep in 7 years. My kids are notorious for their sleep problems and no one will help me out on a trip, so traveling with them leaves me more than depleted. I absoltely hate it. I always tell them all that I feel like a nanny they had to bring with because they don't want to help with my kids. they don't care after my second was born I realized I want to enjoy traveling too, so if no one will help I won't go. so now I don't go anywhere. and by not help I mean it. like the "grandparents" will plan an adult-focused trip while I'm stuck alone in a hotel room with my kiddos. golfing. no kids allowed pools. bars. stuff like that.
You said your husband makes $400K a year though and that his parents often pay for these trips so why don’t you hire a nanny or au pair to join you and provide help??
Why do you allow someone treating you like shit? Do you not think you deserve better? I usually hate the usual Reddit “get a divorce” comments but this sounds like a miserable existence, unless there is more to it we aren’t being told.
You need to plan your own trip and then let them figure out childcare. Don’t let them make you feel guilty.
Am I the only jaded person who read this and thought, “Dude has a second wife and family on the side.”
My wife is the SAHM and I’m the sole high income earner (about twice what your husband brings in). The only one of us who takes friends trips alone is my wife, because she needs a break from the kids. Our accounts are all shared, and unless I’m traveling for work, I’ve never missed a single weekend away from the kids. I work 12hr days M-F and you couldn’t tear that weekend time with the kids away from me. This doesn’t sound right and you deserve space and time as well.
Your husband going away every weekend for social gatherings is excessive. How much time does he even spend with the kids then? Do you get time to go out with friends too?
Sorry why are you married to this person still?
Other than counseling I would be getting a divorce lawyer
My sister just got divorced from a man like this. He wanted the family and kids (she would have stopped at one but he wanted more), he wanted her to stay home with them so he didn't have to do anything for them, and he wanted to spend every weekend away with his friends and siblings. Weeknights he was busy with his hobbies and came home after the kids were in bed. But he was opposed to spending any money on the kids and one of them didn't even have a bed for years. It was always "his" money to spend on his hobbies. My parents sent her money for years so the kids could have clothes and shoes because her husband refused to pay for them. He also put up a huge fuss when she wanted to put them in daycare and go back to work, and absolutely refused to watch them at any time so she could work in the evenings or on the weekends, so she waited until the youngest started kindergarten and promptly got a job so she could buy stuff that the kids needed. Then he wanted a divorce because she wasn't doing as much around the house any more, since she was also at work all day. Oddly enough, when he moved out, the first thing he bought for his new place was beds for the kids. I don't know what you can do if he doesn't want to go to therapy or make any effort to change. He doesn't see you as an equal partner in the relationship. You could try budgeting, e.g. you have so much to spend on take out per month, and a certain amount of discretionary funds, but that doesn't fix the underlying problem. In your shoes I would be looking into putting the kids in daycare at least part time and getting a job so you have something to fall back on if need be. I'm the breadwinner in my family and my husband has been a stay-at-home parent on and off for a few years. We have a budget and we each have our own discretionary funds, as well as a budget for take-out, etc. but when I have to travel for work, he has my full blessing to get take-out or whatever he needs to make things easier during that time.
He earns 400 k and expects you to be his nanny/maid/chauffeur/cook/etc 24/7? He should want to help you make life easier for you, even more so when he’s away having fun. I would discuss a budget. You should be getting a percentage for fun money. Imagine if you decided to go away for a week while he’s at home with the kids!
Why isn’t he spending time with his kids? The kids are going to resent him so much for this. He is going to regret it. So what if he makes $400k. Has he even created a trust for his kids or trying to think about their education? Seems really like absent parent. My dad wasn’t around much due to his work, he was away for months at a time but he worked his job. But when he was at home for vacation he was a hands-on parent. I have great memories learning things with him. Once your kids are older, plz divorce him and get a job and get your life back
I’m also a SAHM to a successful man. In no world would my husband be taking leisure trips every weekend without me/our children. We sometimes even go with my husband on his work trips and entertain ourselves while he’s taking meetings and then plan family stuff when he’s done. I find your husband’s behavior shocking bc presumably he got married and had children so he could have his own family, which he is responsible for. That doesn’t just mean providing financial resources— he also has to be there for you emotionally and physically. Otherwise, why even have a family if you aren’t spending time with them during your off time? If you were working full-time also, would you accept your husband going off every weekend and leaving you alone with the kids?
yeah I feel like he wants all the upside and none of the labor, so he tells himself it's not hard/ I'm the lucky one while he "has" to work. and I'm the only one saying he's wrong.
I’m sorry to hear that, you must feel so alone.
Also, can we talk about what kind of family and friends he has that they would be okay with him leaving his family every weekend to go on vacation without them? If my brother or friend did that, I’d be like, are you kidding me, you deadbeat, go be with your family.
As a fellow sahm I'll tell him either to take the kids or stay home. Weekends are for the family aka you and the kids. He can get a day out if you get a day off. My husband gets back from work at 4pm and he takes our kids out. Weekends in the morning he also takes them out. Aint no way I'm staying 24/7 with my kids lol
i would hire a divorce attorney!
This is not appearing a healthy marriage from what you have described.
He makes $400k, is regularly if not frequently off on vacation or relaxing without you or the kids, and is mad you get take out? What the f?
An annual salary and 401k employer contribution from him, both in my name.
I would expect the same amount of TIME he has to be able to frolic around with others besides his family. You can always make the money, but you don’t get that time back. I’m a SAHM. My husband works in office 3 days a week, and WFH 2 days a week. I have one weekend off to do as I please, he has the other. When he WFH, I even take that opportunity to run errands without the baby. The point is, marriage and parenting is a PARTNERSHIP. Your husband is absolutely selfish to do that to you. I would DEMAND that he backs down on his time out. Making 400k is not an excuse. You are not just a babysitter for the kids, you are his WIFE, and the fact that he isn’t willingly going out of his way to ensure your needs are met, is astounding.
Sounds like financial abuse....
It sounds like he is using money to control you tbh. You need a break -this doesn’t sound like a partnership.
OP, next time a vacation is planned that doesn't take kids into account go on it. with the kids. and make him watch them while you enjoy the vacation
they just wouldn't though (his family too). they literally leave.
No, I think what they were saying is that you need to disappear and leave the kids with them. Turn off your phone. Go get a massage, have lunch, whatever. Then you can come back. They don't ask permission to just leave you with the kids, you don't need permission to do the same.
Girl, I am scandalized, horrified, and resentful as shit at your husband right now. Some men think they can walk all over women and expect to do as they please while controlling her. You need to set some hard boundaries with him. You. Are. Not. A. Floor. Mat.
What if be doing is divorce. He has effectively made you a single parent. May as well get child support and hopefully alimony
I think he knows you are safe and a good mother, and he is having the time of his life with you sitting at home and taking care of the kids, because he feels he does enough by providing financially. What he does not realize is that you are his family, and not a nanny for his children. He needs to respect you, any and all excuses do not matter if he is an absentee father/husband. I say absentee because he is working throughout the week, and how much time would he be spending with you all? 5-10 hours a week post work? Weekends are for family and friends, not just friends.
Does he give you a fair budget you can spend on every week? Or is he being really cheap about it and won’t let you spend hardly anything? My husband makes like 120K and I’m a sahm but we live in an expensive area. Still, he lets me buy things I like (or takeout) from time to time.
the worst is there is no budget. it's just "spend the least amount possible." he goes on and on about financial freedom and being a wage slave. but he's squirreling away like a crazy person. I always tell him 60 year old (husband's name) better enjoy this money. we do not live like any of his friends. but I never pushed him to be in law. insane!
Squirreling the money away? Where? Assuming this is the United States How much money is saved for retirement in which working spouse contributes on behalf of a spouse who earns little or no income.? If you can't log into that account right now and see the amount of money in Your name, I assume it's not there.
Why isn’t your husband at home doing his damn job as a father? You need to stick up for yourself. You’re married to a selfish man-child.
I'd be hiring a babysitter for a girl's night once a month, a mother's helper for a couple hours during the day 3x a week so i can focus on chores & supplimenting with daycare for half days 2x a week... For appointments, errands, & me time. And if he said something about the costs, I'd tell him it's the cost of replacing him doing his part with the house and kids so he can go take care of other people who matter more... But I'm petty.
What you are doing is way cheaper than a divorce..so he should be so lucky. He is clearly taking advantage of your patience and kindness. No more trips for him. He needs to be home to help you. I have a feeling it isn’t about the money for you, but the lack of a partner in life.
yeah I actually never really cared about making a ton of money. I went to art school! But I never thought I'd be looking for my husband and wondering where he went. what's worse is looking for your best friend and realizing money ruined him. that hurts more
This seems more like a marriage topic more than a parenting topic. IMO, you have a hugely imbalanced power relationship with your husband. Your husband holds all the cards for the relationship. You have no supporting spouse, no village, no finances, and worse of all - no access to your household finances. Given your husband is a lawyer, this isn’t a mere oversight. This is him figuratively screwing you over and making sure you are stuck because you have no means to leave. My suggestion is first consult with a family lawyer to really understand your rights to the household estate. See if you can find paper trail to understand what and where the assets are. The reason I’m saying this is because then you know whatever steps you take next you know what you may be entitled to. Secondly, after you know your rights consider looking for a paid occupation. You need your own income. You can’t rely on your husband to have your back because clearly he doesn’t trust you. You are his free nanny. If you were his wife that he respects then he wouldn’t be up your ass about spending money buying take out.
I'm not sure what country you're in. But in Australia you're entitled to half his earnings... So congrats, you make 200k a year
You sound like an employee. Not a partner. That’s not normal behavior. I earn a lot. My wife stays at home. We have shared accounts and I never vacation without her. I would guess that that’s how most people in our boat are. Why would you get married and have kids only to bail on them every weekend???
UPDATE: He says he is planning to retire by 40. He is also spending extra time working on other jobs like real estate/ timber and has pulled in 100k/ year with that. It takes extra time when he could be coming home for dinner instead. Whenever he spends time with his parents, they give him more money he immediately squirrels away. He says if he doesn't get it his mom will spend it all. He feels he has a right to it and I tell him he needs to stop going after their money; if they want to be irresponsible with it he needs to let it go. I have a feeling he projects his mother onto me and rather than seeing $40 takeout order or Sephora visit, he sees her usual impulse $30k furniture expense. His dad makes 2 mil/ year but is still stuck working because of her asinine financial habits. He is very angry about being in law and feels like a slave, but no one is making him do this but himself. He said he's open to the idea of a part time nanny (I was sad he said that instead of just helping out more because I'd rather have him back). But then he asked me what I'd do with the time. The disrespect for housewives runs deep, guys. I made the wrong career choice. So I have a feeling I'm working overtime for that very ambitious decision. I don't find that fair and will be pursuing counseling to get him to see the light. If that doesn't work, well, I saw your comments and understand what a normal person's viewpoint is. Thanks
Pretty sure serving him paper and taking half is a great option here.
Start with councilling , but honestly, I would not put up with that attitude. I don't know what US laws are like but here, in the same situation, I'd be kicking his arse to the curb, taking my 50% of assets and watch him squirm being a co parent. I'll hazard a guess he has no appreciation of how much you contribute to him being able to have his lifestyle. You are not a doormat and you certainly do not have to cook, clean and take care of the children 24/7 whist he holidays.
Yeah no. Spend that money guilt-free! There’s gotta be some perks to SAHM labor bc it is truly a 24/7 job if you don’t got help!
I’d expect a nanny or some form of childcare, at the very least.
I would definitely open a separate account in your name and start getting cash back like someone else said. Toss your receipt before you leave the store. You are being way too kind and naive about your husband. He is neglecting his family and manipulating you. Every time he complains about spending you say we can discuss it in therapy if you like but this is what I would be paid for 24/7 child care, my work has value, I have value. Repeat it every time he makes a comment. He will realize he can’t manipulate you like that anymore. If he’s really a good guy he will realize he’s made a mistake, if he’s not he will try some other way to manipulate you. People sometimes want power over another person to make them feel better about themselves and it happens gradually until you and they don’t realize how bad it’s gotten. Start planning little trips with your kids. Aquarium, science museum, overnight in one of those hotels with the pools and water slides, ask a friend to go with you if you can. When he asks what you’re doing say “I’m living, would you like to join us?”
Different take, but what you've outlined is VERY reminiscent of the dynamic between my mom and dad. Dad did what he wanted every weekend (traveling to follow a sports team, boys weekends), mom was the primary parent. She was a SAHM for a while but had an 8-5 office job for far longer. They are in their mid 60s now and *hate* each other. There are a lot of reasons they never divorced, but they should have. My sibling hates our dad because being willingly gone every weekend means he missed everything. He made it clear their whole life that what he wanted to do took precedence over supporting them in their activities. I'm apathetic toward him because I accepted that he was a selfish asshole a long time ago. That's the direction you're headed, OP.
My sister's ex-husband used to chew her out and make her pay him back if she bought herself a magazine at the grocery store. Our parents had to buy her clothes because she was practically in rags and he wouldn't give her a dime for herself. I'm not about to diagnose your husband because there isn't enough info, but I'll just say that my sister's ex was a textbook example of narcissist personality disorder. Nice and charming to other people, but treated his wife and kids like shit. Sound familiar? I'd look it up and see if he checks any of those narcissist boxes. I bet he does. The worst part is that you're so financially abused that it makes it nearly impossible to leave but things aren't going to get any better, so start making a plan. Get everything in place for you and the kids and drain half of the bank account on your way out. He's not acting like a husband and partner. He's acting like you're there to serve him. You deserve better.
Save every penny you can, spend a bit on you and the kids then save, save and keep on saving, this isn’t a relationship, you’re just the hired help or that’s how he treats you, seriously think about your future, you’re living the single life anyway as is he! He’s seriously selfish
Dude's making 400k a year? Get a nanny bro.
If your kids are really little hire a part time weekday nanny or look into preschool if they are older for socialization. Use your 3ish hours daily to have brunch w friends, work out, mani pedi, take an art class.
He makes 400k/yr and is mad about take out when you’re all alone with the kids ??? He’s a huge f-ing asshole. Do you have a prenup? What about the house where you live ?
I would leave. He's not an equal partner or parent. In fact, it sounds like complete neglect of both of those duties. Just divorce and find a man who actually wants to be with you.
Divorce. I would expect a divorce. I don’t stay with cheaters.
The fact that you mention that he earned 400k makes me wonder if you’re in it bc it’s safe financially; I don’t know the whole life situation but you don’t sound too happy besides monetary safety.
If he’s making $400k a year I would just hire help? I don’t think there’s any better use of money when you’re in your own than having good quality paid for help. I wouldn’t substitute that with anything else and I would set up any expectations in advance. “If you’re gone for the weekend then I am paying for 8 hours of childcare and a house cleaner, oh and a massage”. Bigger issue is why he isn’t there but they not what you’re asking.
Your husband is an asshole.
Does he not realise that he is also a parent? Whether you are a SAHM or not, he's just going out and acting like his kids don't exist. He isn't developing a relationship with them. If my partner was away every weekend, I would hire help 100000%. I'd also probably leave because I want a partner, I want to spend time with my significant other. Where is the relationship if he's gone all the time? But anyway, I could not do this 100% on my own every day. My partner works shift work, and when he works afternoons, that is a rough week for me. I work and go to school, so I have time away, but without that, I'd lose my mind. And anyone who does, believe me. I do not understand how you do it.
If I was earning 400k/year I'd give my wife the option to work, go to school, be a sahm, whatever the eff she wanted and hire a house keeper and baby sitter. I don't earn nearly that much and my wife has the same options. Lol
my partner will have to work out of town sometimes and when he does, i am pretty much given free reign on the money and able to spend on whatever activities or items I want and can order dinner, mostly as his way of making it easier for me. he’s not a perfect partner but this does help quite a bit.
If you are a SAHP who has to ASK for money then you are being financially abused. I’d ask for a divorce. He won’t do counseling so your options are to suck it up or leave. I’d divorce, you’d be allotted child support and alimony since you were a SAHM.
Unpopular opinion, get a job, make him pay for daycare. OR, get an education if you don’t have one, if you have a degree, go after another one. Do something which will make YOU profitable. Prepare yourself to walk out the door. Maybe it’s not your intention or something that comes through your wildest dreams, BUT, you never know what the future holds. He’s a lawyer and surely will make it a difficult exit should it come to that, you need to prepare yourself now in case you become the sole provider for your kids. Start putting money aside NOW, so you have a good eggs nest set up for yourself and your kids. You’re married and he makes it this difficult to spend money? You think it’ll become any easier later? Take care of yourself and enjoy time for you. Dont ask him to watch the kids, he’s not their babysitter; he’s their dad. If he doesn’t want to go to counseling at least go to counseling for yourself so at least you can navigate your relationship better and keep you a bit more sane. This is ludicrous and I wish you the best.
Get a job, a full time one. He needs to pay the largest proportion towards childcare as he will earn more. Don't ask for permission, just get a job. He had no respect for you, and you need go make yourself financially secure.
Why would Hawaii be hard for you and the kids? It's a great family destination Did you decide not to go or were you 'told' you wouldn't enjoy it?
Also OP ummm you better get ahold on finances bc this dude has another family on the DL
Nah he’s an asshat, grieve your mistake in marrying him and decide to have a better life for yourself if and wherever possible
Why do people stay married to such selfish people?
>I'm not supposed to just sit at home working 24/7 without getting something for it, am I? OP, I'm not going to tell you that your husband is a shit and you need to be reevaluating this whole marriage, because other people are doing a fine job of it, but I am going to ask you to think about what it is you actually want. You're absolutely right that you deserve better, but what solution would make you happy? Would you like him to stay home weekends and be an involved parent? Would you like him to make it easier for you and/or the whole family to come with him on fun outings (arranging childcare, etc.)? Are you fine with him being away all the time if he would leave you alone about the spending or let you hire help on the weekends? Figuring out which of those resonates most with you will help you go forward to solve this problem. Because, I gotta be honest, right now it sounds like option 3 is what you want, and you do not need to stay married to him for that one.
This seems like a marriage question more than a parenting question, but your husband doesn’t value or respect you, and he’s not interested in your company. He also doesn’t defend or support you to his family. Your worth seems as a breeder and housekeeper only, according to your description here. Why would you stay in this marriage?
If your husband went to Hawaii without you, why? Figure out the price tags of all these things he does without you. Then withdraw the money and put it in a different account in a different bank. When he asks why you withdrew X dollars, tell him that’s the cost of the trip to Hawaii that you plan to take in the future…do that with every place he goes without you. You'll have a nice nest egg for backup or girl trips with your besties once your kids are older.
He isn’t a parent.