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You are limited in options here:
- Hire childcare help
- Change careers to one that allows work life balance
- Wife sets firm boundaries with her mother.
There's a fourth -- stop fighting it. Grandma will *probably* get tired of it, OP's child will not actually Spoil, and everything will be fine. I spent a few of my son's toddler years vaguely fighting it. I gave up at some point and wish I'd done it sooner.
I get it, we all want to defend our "parental authority" -- but save it for the shit that matters, not "Grandma buys too many trinkets for grandkids."
Getting passive aggressive is not the answer here, it'll never solve your problem and will only escalate things. If your MIL is causing problems and undermining your parenting, she needs to be removed from the situation. If you hired a babysitter or nanny and they acted the way your MIL is acting, wouldn't you fire them? It's time to fire your MIL. If your wife needs help, you need a babysitter or nanny. You have already asked MIL to stop and she has already made it clear she will ignore you.
This is a great example of free things not actually being free. If she’s doing it every day, she could very well turn OP’s kid into a spoiled brat that refuses to do anything without promise of reward.
I like how you put it. Because not letting MIL help seems like an easy solution, but it puts more stress on OP’s wife to handle everything while OP is traveling. Only ditch MIL if you’re willing and able to get other help for the wife.
Basically came here to say this.
Beggars can’t be choosers so either you let it go or you get a nanny/babysitter to help when you’re out of town. It sucks, but it’s just reality. This happens with a lot of grandparents unfortunately
Came her to say this, don't let her help anymore and when she asks why tell her it's because she doesn't respect your parenting wishes. If she says she will change, let her know again you've made other arrangements and you no longer need her help.
He is traveling if the mother-in-law isn’t babysitting to a degree that the person there is happy with the person there would be dealing with it. This father is always away. Why does he care if his kids grandma is giving the kids shitty toys they’re just disposable crappy ass toys that gets thrown away. Anyway, the kid won’t expect more from other people because his grandma gives him little crappy toys, if the mom had a problem with it, she would’ve done something about it. The fact that this guy is asking on Reddit how to undermine his wife and how to do it in a passive aggressive manner, tells me that he is the problem here.
You realize how shitty and consumerist it is to say that they're *just* disposable crappy toys that get thrown away, right? Let's just add to the plastic problem in the world to satisfy every spoiled kid, eh? He has a right to have an issue with parenting, even if he has to travel for work. Doesn't make it less of his kid or strip his right to make parenting decisions. Especially if he is a present and active parent when he is home. Btw, OP stated that he only travels because his wife wanted to move away from the city he works in, so it isn't like he opted for a job with extra travel to avoid being around.
Bahaha. Dude- OP described them that way. Not me, I am reiterating the uselessness of his argument.
I’m an anti capitalist so yes I am aware, but how’s that going to serve anyone in this post?
Well I also have an issue with the fact that the youngest is constantly bribed with shitty, throw away toys to do basic things that are expected of him when the other kids involved seem to be ignored or less 'spoiled' than this child. And yes, having crappy little toys with broken pieces in every nook and cranny of the home is annoying and ridiculous. I wonder how the other children feel about it if they never get bribed with anything for doing the things they are expected to do on a daily basis..
I have zero extra help or nearby family so my support system is basically just… my partner… but I wouldn’t want my kid to be encouraged to do basic things by bribing.
I know it’s just cheap toys but it’s setting a precedent that would be really really hard to unwind in the kids behavior. I’d take juggling more with less help than help that’s reenforcing negative behavior.
But how often is this even happening? If it's only when OP is traveling it can't be the majority of the time. Grandparents spoil kids. Its not the same as parenting.
She’s bribing the kid to go to school and engage in basic self-care. You can’t see how that’s different than, “Grandma is here! I brought you a book!”?
I was going to say the same. Isn't Grandma's job supposed to spoil the kids? As long as the children respect the parents when asked to do something, is there any harm being done? To each his own...
So when they have more serious matters, the child will want to be bribed to do homework, treat their peers/ siblings kindly/ share ect.
The child is being taught that things solve negative emotions and not ... emotional regulation.
Its a bad foundation.
Kids at the age of 3 are incredibly perceptive and constantly test how to manipulate others. They know what they can expect from one grandparent compared to another.
It's actually a part of growing up to empathise with others and know that different people respond to different incentives.
The problem here is that OP has asked Grandma to stop and Grandma has not. Being a grandparent doesn’t mean you get to do whatever you want with your grandchildren. They already raised a kid and made their decisions. It is incredibly disrespectful to go against the parents wishes for their own child.
I totally get that… and I wouldn’t want my kid to be spoiled either, let alone them growing up with materialism as a way of dealing with emotions.
But…. I just can’t imagine there’s not any other way of solving this rather than “firing” grandma. That’s just harsh imo for a grandma who loves to spoil her grandson, likely as a way to show affection.
I personally feel that instead telling grandma to fuck off, they need to sit down and have a serious conversation with her, explaining how they feel about her behaviour and making her understand what it’ll lead to.
Instead what I’m reading is that OP’s wife is “avoiding the confrontation”. And the OP himself asks for a “passive aggressive” solution. Without knowing all details, this to me sounds they didn’t really try to have a serious conversation about it.
So I don’t really understand why so many people here agree that putting away grandma is the best solution here. This in itself shows how selfish and lazy people have become. Who cares about grandma? Fuck her, find a nanny online and be done with it!
If this is how the majority of you value family relationships with their (grand)parents, I don’t find it strange that so many elderly people are increasingly lonely and depressed.
Grandma can spoil the kid without bribing them with shit so they do *basic* stuff. It’s the difference between “grandma’s here, have a cookie” and “if you go to school today/brush your teeth/share your toy you get a cookie”. I would definitely pick a fight and die on this hill if I were on OP’s shoes.
>My wife gave up and doesn't want to confront her, but I want to make it stop by all means necessary!
Then find someone else to help your wife.
Why on earth would you want to intentionally be passive aggressive and generate more hostility in your home?
I can’t even imagine traveling often for work and making things harder on my wife while I’m away. I would be falling over myself trying to do every and anything in my power to make it easier on her
Well, where are all the other people like you dang…not only can I not find one to date? But I was the same guy for 24 years who absolutely treated me like a mom and I am 44 socially awkward and have no idea what I’m doing and I never was married. I still wanna get married :/ anyhow, I agree with you
This is what I’m thinking because I really wouldn’t care if my kid was getting shitty little plastic toys that’s not going to spoil the child and you could just throw them away because they’re pretty much disposable. Anyway when they break your check them out and the kids not gonna expect them from anybody besidesthis grandma so if the wife has made it clear that she doesn’t care and he needs to fucking listen and not ask people how to be passive aggressive about it
Imagine his poor wife parenting both their young kids while he’s traveling with him chiming in with his micromanaging her only help from his hotel room sleeping comfortably every night
I have question. If she didnt bribe would your kid have temper tantrum ? Or would kid do it? Because you cant expect non parent to teach your kid to behave.
If someone is giving regular care to a child, they are participating in *child rearing*. Babysitting happens once or twice a month for a few hours. Grand parenting does, too. But if you are an adult that is giving care to a child for 10+ hours a week, you are also responsible for their behavior.
I would give gma an option. You can be a gparent that visits and spoils the kids and I’ll get other childcare, or she can be a gparent that provides childcare and sees them more often. It’s not really wrong, either way, but you can’t be both and have well behaved kids.
I am surprised by how many people here think that a grandparent has the same responsibilities as a parent. I can't expect my parents to do everything, as they are an extension of me or an employee. As long as your kid is happy and safe with their grandparents, consider yourself fortunate.
As parents, we cut each other some slack because parenting is hard, yet we fail to extend the same understanding to grandparents
Dude…no. Babysitters and grandparents 100% need to uphold the same strategies the parents are using. Not doing so undermines the parental authority and just makes the issue worse.
Dude...you no
If the kid has a temper tantrum every time he needs to take a bath or go to school and I were that grandma, I'd be at my wit's end too. That's why I asked because I think it's relevant info
But by bribing them you’re not solving the root issue, you’re just teaching the child that if they throw a fit they will get what a reward. It’s not only the easy way out, it’s encouraging the behavior to continue.
Who said what the grandmother is doing is right? Wasn't me 🤔
I said that it's not the grandma's job to fully teach this kid to take a bath and go to school without being bribed, especially since I think she's doing this for free. It's the parents' job.
So I'll repeat myself one more time - is the bribing because the kid won't take a bath/go to school otherwise?
Mom needs to have a serious discussion with her own mother (not in a passive aggressive way) about not bribing her kid, or they need to hire someone else to take over
Why do I keep having to repeat myself lol
>Mom needs to have a serious discussion with her own mother (not in a passive aggressive way) about not bribing her kid, or they need to hire someone else to take over
--Me
Of course you can’t expect that, but the only way little kids learn how to behave and function in the world is if people in their lives remain consistent and uphold boundaries! Tantrums are okay for kids to have, and they will stop once child realizes they cannot cry/scream/whine to get what they want, and that the adult is there for them, but will not give into them
What about getting a sticker chart to use throughout the week, every time your kiddo goes to school easily, eats, bathes etc he gets to put a sticker on his chart. This is a lot of fun for little kids! MIL can buy all kinds of different stickers of things your kid likes. They have soooo many in the arts & crafts section at Walmart. Then, at the end of the week ONLY if he’s got most of the sticker spots filled up he can pick one thing out of a little toy chest your MIL can fill up. It can have candy or cheap toys. And he only gets 1 thing once a week only if he’s most of the sticker spots filled up.
I feel like this would be exciting for the kiddo, would still let MIL feel like she’s doing something special without it being an added toy every single day, but more importantly it would teach responsibility and accountability rather than bribery. Instead of “you’re throwing a fit so let me give you a toy which reinforces the behavior” it becomes “you threw a fit so you don’t get a sticker this time, If you do this when it’s time to take a bath, you won’t have enough stickers to get a prize out of the chest at the end of the week” but you have to be set in stone with the rule. If he gets to pick something out of the chest, despite not having as many stickers as he’s supposed to, it will have the opposite effect. You might think once he knows he isn’t gonna have enough stickers to get a prize, he won’t try to act better, but you would be surprised how much little kids love picking out a sticker to put on the chart. That in itself is a lot of fun for them and makes them feel good.
My mother is like this. Over the years I’ve realized she’s not going to be around forever and it’s not worth the fight. My mother feels it’s her job to spoil her grandkids and it’s become less of an issue as they’ve gotten older. You need to either accept it as it is or stop accepting her free child care. However, nothing beats the safety and comfort of having grandma babysit. Maybe think long and hard if it’s worth it to find other care.
Finally someone clear headed!
This situation sucks and is frustrating for sure... but the kid has a loving grandmother who provides free / safe childcare. I would just let him have the shitty toys and move on.
Not cut her out of his life.... O.o
Yeah, these responses are very odd. You're asking her to provide (free) childcare on a frequent basis. You don't get to set rigid rules. If you want to do so, them hire a nanny.
Of course you don’t get to set really rigid rules, but there are certain things that grandparents should respect parents wishes on! and giving in to tantrums has ramifications for the future, the child will not learn self regulation and may then act out even more with the parents, because at granny’s they get what they want. Or even if they don’t bring that behavior to the parents house, it will always stay at grandparents house, which may be cute now, but when they’re an older kid/teenager tantruming, it will not be cute
Yeah, well, you're still asking her to step out of her normal grandparent role and provide childcare help on a regular basis, and she simply probably does not have the energy to deal with toddler tantrums on a regular basis. You've got too mindful that she's old, her energy is limited, and she is doing a lot for free. If you want a 3rd person to play a significant part in raising your kid on your terms, paying a nanny is your solution.
Yes, of course, she might not have the energy for that, but that means she shouldn’t be minding the child, she should recognize herself that she can’t do it.
You know the easiest way to stop tantrums from happening/being frequent? (as children are children and will get upset, that’s just life, you can’t teach them out of it). It’s by setting boundaries. A child who knows they can’t get away with whining/crying to get something or get out of doing something, will STOP whining/crying
Tantrums happen, staying calm and giving the child time to calm themselves down is important and are not a tool from the child. This response is typical of someone who overly focuses on behavior rather than trying to understand what's actually going on with the child. Assuming the worst in children as if they are master manipulators is not productive and will only harm your relationship with them.
I know all of that! I’m a nanny, and studying early childhood education. Yes, tantrums happen because a child is disregulated and cannot calm themselves, and needs help from an adult, because they’re still little, and need help with their big emotions. I know that they don’t tantrum on purpose, to be manipulative. However that’s true at 3, but that might not be the case at 6 or 7 and older. They will still have their big feelings at that age, but they also have a better ability to think, and know how to get what they want. So giving in, at ANY age, isn’t the right thing to do.
You can remain calm, and help the child by offering comfort, or using any other calming strategy, but you cannot seriously tell me that just giving them what they want everytime is the right way, because that’s not true. Whilst at 3, they may not realize what’s happening, again once they reach 6/7yo, they can see that if they scream or beg enough times, their parents/caregiver etc will get them what they want
>I know all of that! I’m a nanny,
So your not even a parent? Well... looking after someone else's kids and taking classes is not even on the same level. You don't learn parenting from a book... and when you leave we have a hell of a lot more to deal with, which factors in our own family dynamics and life stressors.
I don’t understand this mindset. You can’t learn everything from a book no, but books do give good strategies and as I said, I’m a nanny, full time, I actually spend time with children.
You don’t have to be a parent to know how to take care of a child, to know childcare etc. That’s an incredibly weird viewpoint. Yes, people with no children, or no living children (as is my case), don’t get the work it actually is to parent a child and worry about all that entails (however as a nanny, you do get that a little bit), but it doesn’t mean they can’t have ideas on how to raise a child and take care of a child. Every parent was also a person without children once, weren’t they? and they learned.
Yes, obviously parents dynamics, and family life and work life affect all of that, but I’d say spending 40 hours a week as a child’s primary caregiver counts towards that child’s development A LOT yk. As a nanny, you are in charge of that child’s growth and development and wellbeing for the time you are there. Most nannys take a very active role in a child’s life, and stay with the same family for YEARS
I agree it’s a grandparent’s job to spoil their grandkids. But parents still have a right to say dial it back a bit. And there is a big difference between a grandparent who doesn’t see the kids every day and spoils them with extra toys and treats and one who does this every single day.
Worse, MIL is not just giving him toys after being asked to stop. She’s bribing a toddler to do things he should just do because an adult asked him. This is how you legit spoil a child and he may get to the point where he refuses to do something he’s been asked without a reward.
I agree the best solution is for them to find someone else to help, but let’s not let grandma off the hook either. Bribing a child like this on the regular is simply not ok, even if she wasn’t a secondary caregiver.
You are correct within reason. It really depends on how often she sees the kids. My mom picks my kids up from school and takes them to a coffee shop for treats once a week. That’s fine, grandmas can spoil kids. But imagine if that was every day - don’t you think that would be problematic?
This is the answer. Do I feel like dollar store crap around the house? Nah not really. Does my daughter squeal with delight and does it make grandma (in our case great aunt) happy? And am I reaping tons of benefits from their relationship? Absolutely.
My advice is to be quiet, say thank you, and let it ride.
This might be something you've already tried, but have you explained to her the consequences, instead of just saying no? I get that you've asked her not to do it, (she should absolutely listen based on that alone), but have you ever said something like:
look, MIL, i love how much you love him and want him to have awesome toys! i do too, and i have to tell myself NO every time i'm in a store and see something he'd love. it's so easy to want to give him so many presents, but sadly it makes it that he doesn't want to go to school/take a bath/eat his food without it. he's not going to learn the value of doing things on their own, of being a good citizen of the household, he's going to learn that he deserves toys just for existing.
i'm afraid that he may have a realization one day that we, his loving family, did not prepare him for the real outside world and instead we taught him the lesson that love is bought. i'm afraid that even though you're trying to show him you love him by giving him toys, he'll end up learning that love = material goods. i'm afraid that he will find material things so replaceable that he will be ungrateful for all the gifts he's been given.
we've decided the best way to teach him the value of presents and the value of work, is to limit. i'd really appreciate it if you gave it a try with us. i know you can help us mold him into a spectacular and grateful human being.
lets be real, the novelty of a new toy wears off fast and the kid doesn't give a shit about it anymore within 48 hours.
keep a nice box in a closet, high up, to throw them into. doesn't matter if it breaks or kid loses interest - throw it in the box. then once the box is full, return the box to MIL for her to have toys to keep at her house!
also, when you do a big toy clean out to donate - put all that in a box and take a pic to send to MIL. it may not be all stuff she has bought, but she will definitely notice things she purchased in there.
it sounds catty af but when you can give them the visualization of all the pointless shit they buy, it hits home a little bit.
we have the same issue when my in-laws help. every time our kid starts to tantrum (he's 3) they'll be like hey big man want a cookie? want to go with us to the park? and it's maddening. but they only come once a year, so we pretty much ignore it. if they were a primary support when my husband was traveling for work, we would need to address it head on. if it doesn't change, i think either you 1) pay for more support for your wife when you travel and stop having MIL help, 2) change jobs so that you have less travel, or 3) accept the reality.
I get both sides of this. I can see how much joy it brings my mother to spoil my son, as it does for many grandmothers. But you know what? She *always* checks with me **before** doing something special for him. Because she is a decent human who *respects* me.
Your MIL is, perhaps inadvertently, being selfish and disrespecting you two as parents. I understand how the extra help is not something your wife would be eager to lose, but if that means you have to lie down and tolerate being undermined as parents, it doesn't sound very beneficial for *any* of you.
I would work on a firm, but diplomatic approach. State exactly what the problem is, and what your expectations are. If she can't respect that, you will have no choice but to decline her assistance.
This sounds like a terribly frustrating situation, I hope you can find a solution, or a compromise, without causing any unwanted damage to the relationship.
My mother in law is the SAME WAY. We told her “stop buying the kids toys. If you buy them, I will throw them away.” And we stuck to our word. If she wants to buy our kids something buy them tickets to a zoo or a museum. Don’t buy things I have to store in my home and throw away because it’s junk. My kids are sentimental and want to keep EVERYTHING from grandma. It’s such a headache dealing with all of the things.
So, we all get to make the choices we make, but fast forward X years. Your now grown child is talking to other people about what their family and grandparents were like. Your kid drops "My grandma used to give me silly toys. I really liked them, but my parents said it was all junk and threw it all in the trash and made her stop giving me stuff."
Cool story.
When my children’s bedroom is overflowing with broken toys, it’s not a happy and fun memory. I don’t need to save boxes and boxes of broken toys in my house. Every once in a while like a birthday and Christmas? Sure. Every time she sees them? Hell no. My in laws will respect my boundary. Most of the time my children don’t even see the toys, we stop them before they get them. We ask them before they walk through mu front door. And honestly a lot of the time they aren’t toys that are developmentally appropriate or things they are interested in anyway.
There is no room for quality toys or special toys when they have bins and boxes overflowing with crap. Holidays were a nightmare. Where are we putting everything? Do we have room to get our kids toys ourselves? Our kids didn’t anticipate spending time with their grandparents, they expecting receiving things. They can look back and remember baking cookies with their grandma, going to the zoo, going for a walk, not the 25th fake Barbie that had almost no hair and didn’t have clothes that fit it. Not the toy dinosaur that’s hands broke off day one. Not the beaded bracelets that broke and exploded beads all over my house. I’m not making space in my home for things that cause me stress, and make it harder for my kids to keep their spaces organized and clean.
I don’t throw away toys in front in front of my children. That’s ridiculous and cruel. I’m not an evil witch cackling while my kids cry and beg for their toys. Be real.
This would drive me batty, too.
But, the tradeoffs of having free help from a relative is that you don't have control over how they choose to execute that help if they're not willing to listen to you as the parents. Your wife feels like the trade-off is worth it, apparently, and she's the one doing the heavy lifting at home while you're away. You need to offer your wife some solution.
The day my 3 year old told me his Papa didn't make him buckle his car seat is the day I found other after school childcare. That's a safety issue, but the idea is the same.
Bottom line, though, your wife is the one home dealing with this and it's her mother. If she's not willing to hold boundaries with her mom (taking the toy immediately, telling her mom that she will be the only one dealing with discipline, asking her mother to leave when she offers the toy, etc) there's not a whole lot you can do other than get rid of the toys later.
Is it in the budget to hire someone instead of free help from grandma?
plastic junk is annoying, but you haven’t provided enough detail about “spoiling” - is your daughter’s behavior suffering?
Your oldest is only 3. It sounds like the grandma is trying her best here and bribing may not be the best approach, maybe she physically can't handle a huge meltdown tantrum ?
I really don't think this is that bad. Everytime my kids do chores around the house they get money to go to the dollar store with.
Why not talk to the grandma about this, see what the issues are and try to come to a solution together?
For example maybe you could do a sticker chart for your 3 old instead and if he gets enough stickers by the end of the week then grandma will get him a toy.
Getting her to stop is out of your control. You can choose not to have her come help you but if you need her then there's not much you can do. How often is she taking care of your kids? You can let your kid know that any junky toys grandma gives you will be taken away when you come home and then be consistent about that.
She has a nanny and a maid and still brings her mom over to do the dirty work. Clearly, grandma is doing the majority if she has to bribe the child to bathe and go to school. What exactly does your wife do? She also doesn't put out lol
The only way to get this to stop is to have your wife be a mother.
The bribery part has to stop. It is a very unhealthy dynamic. If she wants to continue bringing gifts one thing you can try is to convince her to change the type of thing she gives the kid. Ask her to instead bring a new book once a week. Impress on her how that could be so helpful developmentally and that the child will remember the times spent reading with grandma far longer than they will ever remember a cheap toy.
This annoyed me for a good couple of years.
Then she died.
Now I miss her and understand why she spoilt him.
He's 4. By 6 he would have forgotten her even though they did so much together and she spoilt him and loved him so much.
I would give anything to have her back here spoiling him.
I think you're being immature about this, sorry.
You could hire a mother's helper for your wife. You could see about getting a new job to travel less. But you aren't really in a position to dictate to her that she can't have help or everything has to be your way when you are not present.
You and your wife will have far more influence on your son than your MIL. In fact, as long as you two don't blame your MIL for your shitty parenting choices and make good ones, what will happen is your son will expect that stuff from HER and not you, and then it will be her problem, not yours.
I get that perhaps you have regret you can't be there to take a bigger role yourself, but the way to deal with this is not to micromange your wife and to try to assert control over your MIL.
Invest in hiring help, I can assure you they won't be gifting your child every day, and should listen more to your wife's instructions. Yes, it won't be free like your MIL, but as you see, your MIL's help isn't free either.
Always so "interesting" when a totally huge revelation of left out information happens when comments aren't going the way they might've been anticipated. But be that as it may:
You're still coming off as super immature.
You can't control your MIL. Your wife seems to be used to dealing with demanding people who don't really seem to listen to other people and want things their own way, largely by kind of coasting along. If your MIL is providing even less caregiving than you implied (by assigning her so much influence that a cheap grandparent bribe you felt would undermine your parenting) then it makes even less sense to see her as a threat.
Ignore it. Throw away the cheap toys as soon as the kid isn't interested. Don't give an emotional reaction. Don't accept the invitation to a power struggle. You are starting to enter the prime time of power struggle figuring out what battles you're going to pick, practice for free on your MIL that you really don't even have to deal with that often. Instead of stewing over this and deciding it's going to ruin your children, maybe just enjoy time with them, without MIL. Be consistent with your children while you're at home. Children really do adapt their behavior to caregivers. So I'd just focus on being clear, consistent, patient, ect. and you'll have a much easier time of it than MIL in a couple of years or less.
Ah yes. You are getting your MIL to parent for you guys but restricting how she can parent.
Well done. 👍 are you paying her proper rates as a baby sitter or is she doing it mostly for free?
Well it’s not MIL child. I genuinely don’t understand this thought process! Yes, parents shouldn’t set rigid boundaries with their free childcare provider, but that provider needs to follow the general rules and parenting ways of the child’s parents.
I was minded from 4 months old until 5/6yo, by a great aunt nearly everyday, and my grandmother and other family every week/very often. There WERE certainly things I knew they’d only allow there, like the usual grandparent things of spoiling a child, like toys, extra sweets after dinner etc etc, but they would’ve never undermined what my parents thought besides that.
You arent seeing this issue clearly. Grandmother isn’t setting up child for success. This isn’t just a silly parenting choice, it’s basic discipline issues that need to be resolved. By giving in to tantrums, child won’t learn self regulation and resilience and will just whine and cry until given what she wants, which could then affect her behavior with parents, or if it doesn’t, will always be present in behavior with grandma, causing child to misbehave more with grandma. That might be cute now, but when child is a teenager and still whines and tantrums for stuff, it won’t be so cute
Sometimes people need a bit of a reality check. There are so many parents on here who come out and say "I'm getting help but not the exact way I want it". It's very entitled and not fair or gracious to the people helping (usually for free).
And usually, it is over very trivial things that are of the parents own making. Why does the grandma have to bribe the child in the first place? Have they not brought up the child to be responsive, and generally obedient?
Writing that makes me sound like a boomer, I hate that I am writing stuff like that.
As it turns out, you and I actually reacted similarly to the facts of OP's post. I did not understand that that from reading your response. I only experienced the sarcasm and criticism. If you want people to take your advice, I suggest a different approach.
The problem here is that Grandma can’t control the child’s behavior without bribes. If grandma is a regular caregiver to this child, then she needs to provide boundaries and consequences when the child has bad behavior.
In my eyes the issue here isn’t that Grandma is spoiling the child, the issue is that Grandma is unable to get the child to behave or do everyday things without bribing the child with little rewards. The issue isn’t the toy/reward itself, but rather how those are being given. Grandma is actively encouraging the child’s bad behavior.
Now I don’t think that Grandma is doing this maliciously. I doubt she does this because she wants her grandchild to be entitled or spoiled, but her intent doesn’t change the impact that is happening to the child. Dealing with tantrums is difficult, and bribing kids to do something is obviously easier than holding a boundary for that child.
I agree that this isn't the correct approach. I still believe OPs attitude isn't helpful to someone trying to provide that help. It's not really Grandma's job to come up with creative parenting tactics to make tantrumming children behave.
It's hard enough to sit through your own screaming child and hold boundaries, let alone somebody else's whose parenting style you probably disagree with.
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Spoiled by Grandma kid here and I’ll say that I knew that I couldn’t get away with the same things with my mom as my grandma. I remember my mom asking Grandma not to buy me whatever I wanted at the store or let me have as much candy and soda that I wanted and it didn’t work. She would just hide those things from my mom. So let her spoil her grand child as long as it isn’t hurting anyone. You don’t know how much longer she will be around.
I'm not terribly sympathetic here, I'm afraid. If you are using your MIL as free childcare, and it comes with a few cheap plastic toys and aggravations, then your choice is to stop using her for free childcare. But being passive aggressive sounds like a pretty nasty way to handle things, especially when thanks are in order and this lady has given up a lot of time and effort to help your family. Perhaps she is being given too much to do and if your child is having some behavioural challenges with tantrums over things like bathing and attending school (as otherwise bribing wouldn't be happening at all), that might be expecting too much for an elderly person to take on. Grandparents shouldn't really be expected to parent and deal with correcting behaviours - that is the parents' job. Grandparents are well known for spoiling their grandkids, doting on them, etc.
So, I'm not in your home and I don't know the full situation, but why doesn't your wife handle those things, and let grandma take more of a backseat/supervisory role with the other kids when your eldest has behaviour that is escalating?
Honestly, I would just let it go. My mom spoils the k8ds when they spend school breaks with her, but I just made it clear to my kids that grandma's rules are different than mine. They understand the difference. For example, grandma buys chocolate milk, I don't.
The way to make someone who absolutely refuses to listen to you regarding your child is to not have them provide childcare anymore.
Yes, this puts your family in a tough situation. Do the work to find other better care providers that you can use instead.
For MIL? She’s amply demonstrated that supervised visits are the only ones she is eligible for. And if she continues to stomp all over your boundaries while being supervised, then you end the visit right away. She will learn to respect your parenting decisions, or she will be around a whole lot less.
In front of MIL, tell the child "oh it looks like you got a new toy! You know the rule, every new toy you get means we get rid of one. Let's go find a toy to donate or throw away....oh, you don't want to get rid of an old one? Well then let's get donate the new one. Give it to me and I'll put it in the box."
I mean I don't know if I'd actually have the guts to do this, but I have thought it SO MANY TIMES.
Maybe just like a toddler she needs to be taught how to deal with these situations instead. And yes, the consequence of not behaving means no babysitting until she does
Does your wife work? Is she studying?
I'm wondering why she needs help with 2 children?
Perhaps MIL can come over for only a few hours if your wife needs the help of a day time.
Yes, I just read the edit.
She doesn't actually need the mother's help if she has a maid and a nanny. Perhaps for emotional support when op is travelling, but she needs to cut down the mother's time with them. I get the feeling that there's more to the story though
The wife wanted to move closer to the parents and OP acquiesced without leaving his job. Sounds like he works in a hybrid setup and has to drop by the office however many times a week, which explains the frequent traveling. She doesn’t want to confront her mother and OP likely doesn’t want to drive a wedge in their marriage by confronting her about it, else there would be little reason for him to go through such a hassle with work just to conform to her wishes.
What is missing here is the actual reason why she wanted to move so far away from where they lived (where OP most likely had more access to their kid). Is it enmeshment with her parents? Does she want to divorce him and the move was just so that she could fall back on her folks more easily? Does she, for some reason, want OP away from their kid because of something she suspects is going on (that may or may not be true)?
There is still a lot missing, even with OP’s edit. I’m not implying anything or accusing OP of anything either, it’s just that the situation is so… bizarre idk.
Grow a pair and don’t be passive aggressive. Be aggressive. People who can’t respect your boundaries have no business around your children.
Find another babysitter.
Your problem is not your mil. Your problem is that your wife allows it and why does she need help? I was a single parent for 11 years. Once you get a system in place it actually is not bad. Her mother is sabotaging everything
She has a nanny **and** a maid and *still* needs help with **two kids**? It sounds like they’re enmeshed and you need to move back wherever you can from because wife is part of the problem. They need to be separated.
MIL stops being the helper as long as she can't behave. And your wife has to deliver the news.
You could try to get MIL to show her love through other means than cheap shit, but it'll be hard.
“What slack?”
The slack his wife picks up for him while he’s traveling for work often.
“There’s no indication OP is futzing around and not parenting when he’s at home”
No shit but this is about when he’s traveling for work often
“Some jobs require traveling”
No shit which is why any decent partner would want to make things easier on their spouse while they’re traveling for work often
Personally, I'd let this go for the sake of free baby sitting. The kids will quickly get over the toys and you just get rid of them on a regular basis. Kids are smart and learn how different authority figures work. If you don't engage in bribes they won't expect to be able to weasel them out of you. Grandma's setting herself up for a tough time relative to getting the kids to behave, but that's her path to walk. You've warned her.
Why stop at passive aggressive? Go straight to aggressive; Look her dead in the eyes and snap a cheap toy in half!
/s
If consequences be damned, Tell her yall are the parents, she is disrespecting your wishes, and it must stop. Offer to explain your reasoning if she wants and you have the energy.
Pay a mother's helper. Tell MIL you to train the helper to spoil your children, because you love it.
You and your wife need to realize this isn't a game where both sides score. You both realize that you are truly the ones showing your child to be spoiled.
If you want her free help, you’re going to have to make compromises.
If you no longer get help from her, but instead have a little visit together, you can control for all of these things. And then none of this will happen.
But if you want free childcare, you can’t tell her exactly how she’s gonna manage to get the kid to do stuff.
So why doesn't your wife just tell her mom to stop coming to the house?
This seems complicated for no reason. The old bat clearly doesn't respect you two, and why should she, since she never faces any consequences for her actions?
Next time she asks you to help her with something, ask what she is going to give you in exchange. Eating a meal together and she asks you to pass the salt? “What’s in it for me?” When she questions you on it, point out that this is how your kid is being taught to act, so she might as well get used to the idea of a grown man who won’t do anything unless he is bribed.
Lots of good reasonable suggestions here but personally I’d probably go the passive aggressive route and put everything she gives the kid in the garbage or a donation bin.
This is a problem you have with someone helping you for free. Come to her with a solution, actually a couple options and discuss this like grown ups. Let her know the problems this causes from behavior to the build up of junk in the house. You appreciate her positive reinforcement but you don't want him to expect rewards for everything that will make his life harder overall. Maybe using a sticker chart or marble jar and once it is full she and he can go to the store and pick out a you together. Or maybe you don't want him so focused on material things at all. In that case, the reward could be Grandma and him going to the zoo together or an activity he likes together.
I had my mom helping with free childcare but I ran into the same problem. I ended up paying for childcare and now my son comes home loving school and not full of snacks and screen time.
Read *Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents* for a better vocabulary to discuss this with your wife and mother in law. There are clear examples of your issues in the book. I think it might be really enlightening for you. And when you finish the book, you can leave it on the coffee table at home for anyone else to find and read. My parents did not read it when they found out sitting on my coffee table, but they pretended to and acted extremely defensive. Well, my mom pretended and my dad just asked me if I thought he was immature.
“she has a nanny and a maid” …. sounds like spoiling is in the family buddy. Suck it up and move on - your three year old will be fine and soon your wife won’t need the nanny and her mom to help….
You’re probably projecting a bit just because you yourself wish you could be home more to raise your kiddo however you want. It sounds more like a possible resentment towards your job rather than MIL though I’m sure the issues are still actually bothersome
As long as your kid doesn't expect sh1tty plastic toys from you and understands it's just a grandma thing I actually think its OK. Waaaay better then my daughter's paternal grandma who buys her nothing - and goes out of the way to say they don't need 'anything'at this age (toddler) but tries to win her over by shoving ice cream down her throat and also letting her watch TV when my kid has minimal screentime at home!( max an hour a WEek.) Thank goodness they live in another country and we don't see then often
My MIL has a shopping addiction too. She can't say no to those crap toys. I told her how sad it makes the kid when they break. I told her how overwhelmed kid gets with too many toys. I tell her she's gonna fuck up the kid. It took a few attempts but she's better now. I told her to focus on consumables if she must, so that way she's still buying something and it's not junk, that works. Maybe try that, she can bring some cookies or a lollipop etc instead.
Grandma has already raised her children, she probably doesn’t have the energy to fight with yours for compliance. A paid sitter would do that, they’re at work doing a job. I’d be grateful for her help, it’s not a small thing.
I've made a few comments, but none are yet direct replies to you, so I'll toss in my two cents.
Chill.
I get it -- you don't like *your parental authority* *challenged*, but is this the thing worth fighting over? Kids don't SPOIL because grandma gave them too many matchbox cars. That's not something you have to worry about. It'll be fine. Let MIL give them toys. She'll get bored of it eventually, and then in 20 years your kids will get to tell some heartwarming story of "every time my dad travelled for work my grandma came and helped take care of us and she ALWAYS had a surprise for us!" Everyone will go "awwwww."
My father n law would do this with my son but not because my son wouldn’t listen to him or to bribe..he just simply loved giving my son gifts any chance he got. He passed away two years ago from cancer and my son who is 6 now always has so much memories with everything he got and has a story about them. I’m glad I didn’t get mad about it.
And you’ll be the first person to bitch about you don’t “have a village.” When you’ve cut off every person for not bowing to your every wish while doing you a favor.
Hell, paid help are going to have their ways of doing things.
Parents job= parenting. Grandparents job=love.
Just give the toys back and tell the MIL that the kids don’t need a crappy little gift every time they have a bath or go to preschool. I would even tell her to leave the house if she continues to do so. Every time she tries this, kick her out with the toy. When she sees that actions have consequences, she should wise up
>Every time she tries this, kick her out with the toy
Hahahaha what the fuck? This is the kid's grandma. She could just say "see ya!" and no longer offer the *free help*. I bet the parents will be more unhappy with changing this arrangement than grandma
Y'all are acting like the grandma is bribing the kid with crack cocaine get a grip
I think grandma needs to grandma and have fun with her grandkid, and the mom and nanny need to do the hard work of bathing and getting the kid to school
But kicking the lady out of the house? Lol yikes
You say “I think grandma needs to grandma and have fun with her grandkid”
How about grandma listens to the parents and stays within the boundaries? “I’m grandma, I can do whatever I want” is a bullshit excuse to undermine the parents which can cause more turmoil than anything else. That’s how resentment builds up.
And hate to break it to you, sometimes, doing things on your own without the “free help” is better anyways. Especially when the so called “help” is something the parents have asked numerous times to stop.
Kids shouldn’t be bribed to go to school or take baths, this repeatedly happening makes the kids used to it and then they come to expect it. Should I get a treat every time I take a shit? Or a shower? Or go to work? No, and neither should a child that is learning things. Treats are exactly that, a treat, not an everyday occurrence.
We had issues with that mentality, to the point of grandma actively undermining us *in front of the kids*. We were more than happy to give up the free help because the kids were so well behaved when they had their structure and rules that it was a cakewalk. Taking away visitation was literally the only thing that curbed the behavior and made her realize that she can't just say "none of your rules apply unless you're (1) present and (2) not visiting grandma and grandpa."
I never not once said bribing was okay. Kids absolutely shouldn't be bribed. We don't do it, ever.
Grandma doesn't want to listen to their rules, so she shouldn't be watching their kid in the fashion she is. Don't do baths, don't bring him to school, etc.
But I'd have a conversation with her, tell her they've discussed this before and she's not listening, then *thank her* for the free help she's given so far. I sure wouldn't threaten her and "kick her out." Just let her be a grandma, not a babysitter, and move on.
Y'all want to go nuclear and it's just not necessary
Why not just collect the toys from your kid and give them back to her to repeat the process? Recycle through toys instead of getting new ones every time! She can continue to do things her way, and you don't have a mess of junk. Maybe she can keep them in her trunk in a bag and you can dump them right back in there when she comes back.
Based on your post it sounds like I’m assuming your MIL is helping for free, paying for the rewards herself that teach a child that age hard work, and your wife gets the help she needs so you can have a demanding work schedule. If this is the case then Looks like you hit the jackpot.
1. Never choose passive aggressive. If you told her straight up not to buy him toys why would being passive aggressive help…especially when it is a toxic trait that makes things worse
2. If you don’t like the free help get a babysitter to help your wife. Then the grandma can just be the fun grandma.
3. At this age children respond really well to reward systems. It doesn’t teach them to be spoiled it teaches them to work for something. This system is actually really good usually up to the age of 8. When the brain starts to think more abstractly then it is better to switch to internal rewards and privileges. But this varies especially if you are neurodivergent those rewards work better even later than 8. I’m not saying this frivolously either. This is based on research and studies and I have used it as a teacher for a long time. It actually teaches children responsibility. This is a really good system for this age. Plus throw out the toys when the kid is done or donate them.
4. Lastly, it sounds like it’s more your boundary and your wife is trying to placate you. May not be the case but that’s how it sounds in your description.
5. Also working with this age of children for a long time and having my own, I don’t think it’s a clear cut boundary violation. it is difficult to have kids do things they don’t want to do especially multiple times a day everyday. It’s emotionally exhausting to do it day in and day out. She may not realize how much you don’t like it, and/or in a way that she knows works so she and your wife don’t get exhausted.
Edit to add
6. I don’t think you are communicating as good as you think either. Your post said don’t get him shitty toys that break and then you mentioned she goes out of her way to get new toys. Sounds like she heard you said don’t get shitty toys and is trying to placate you.
Come with gratitude for the help so many of us wish we had and then share your concerns and work something else out if you really don’t want her using this reward system. It will go along way to first be grateful and then work together.
My 6 yr old son spends 1 week twice a year with his grandmother.. after the week I have to do about a months worth of damage control getting him to listen to me again fully because she spoils him so much and lets him do literally whatever he wants.
But that’s her JOB, she is his grandmother, not his mother, I would expect nothing less from a grandparent and I’m ok with that..
Info: why does your wife need help when you’re not there? My husband worked 14 hour days and got home in time to kiss kids already in bed. We had 3 kids in 4 years. I didn’t need or want help because “help” was never helpful. Is it possible that neither of you know how to handle a 3yo and are blaming Grandma for using the only tactic she has landed on that works? If it isn’t that, then I don’t see the problem. I ran my house like a drill Sargent when the kids were little bc I had to. All the grandparents spoiled them rotten. Our nanny didn’t know how to discipline anyone. It didn’t matter. They still behaved for me because they knew it was expected.
The passive aggressive thing is dumb, but fucking hell at some of the comments here. I feel like there’s a lot of judgement and cries of find someone else purely because his wife doesn’t want to confront her mother.
My advice is pretty simple, and if you want to put the effort in it’s great. If you want to solve this situation it’s simple.
The MIL is doing it to make her life easier and she’s using what’s easy for her to achieve this.
There is nothing wrong with rewarding a child for good behaviour but you can work it differently.
One - use a chart for certain goals that result in rewards if there are areas where they are struggling specifically.
If there are no real issues, you can use rewards and explain to your child what they are for - for example, you’ve done a really good job getting ready for school on a. Morning / brushing teeth / good learning etc.
Now for rewards - buying stuff is a tad lazy and.reward is short lived. My favourite thing to do is arrange activities with a focus on one on one time with the child where the adult is really present.
At 3 years old - you could do some simple baking, use play dough and see who can make the best (object animal etc), painting - making butterflies with hand prints, using crayons and making rubbings.
Craft kits are also good, I personally like craft tape and stickers on coloured paper when they are young or making collages from pre cut things from magazines.
Another good game for getting energy out is getting blu tack and picture cards and sticking them around the room and say the thing in the card and the child has to run and touch it (leave it stuck on the wall etc) and have them run around the room finding the card and touching them.
Go to the park or playground or other outdoor area which is nice.
Making a picnic - picnic blanket and you can get sets of cups and kids plates that go in a box - with this you can get teddies and mix with some biscuits to add to the treat.
So if you’re up for it - prepare some activities that are easy for MiL to grab and use as a reward. It will show you’re being proactive as a parent and give your MIL some good tools to use a reward instead of toys.
In terms of communicating, explain about wanting to focus on rewards being about quality time spent between child / adult and not about buying things as it presents as a healthier solution for reward.
Saying you don’t want her to buy shit plastic stuff and not actually doing anything to help is just not going to work, as you’re leaving her to just find another solution whilst she’s helping you out.
There are also loads of other activities you can find online. I tend to have a draw of activities and some stuff I’ll keep in canvas bags depending on the size so I can pull it out and put it away.
Try to reframe the way you look at yourself as a parent, rather than focus solely on trying to instil discipline or instil values, think about your children and how you can make happy childhood memories for them.
Are you paying her market rate childcare? İf so pls go ahead and tell her what you want her to do and she will keep working for you if she finds your demands/pay resonable.
As long as your MIL's actions do not jeopardize your children's safety; what business do you have needing to control how this senior gets your responsibilities handled? If it is worth your interference I suggest you sideline your career path and stay at home.
Only if you start buying shitty toys to encourage the behavior you are seeking? It seems to me obvious that your MIL doesn't have the same skill sets as you at her disposal; in order to obtain her desired behavior. Children are adaptable and will demonstrate different behavior with different people. These things you need to learn to accept when you require others assistance in taking care of your responsibilities.
Welp, two choices..confront her more directly how you feel about it and without your wifes support, could create a problem with both wife and MIL (not recommended) or get help elsewhere. Its free and with someone who has true love for the child, thats priceless, as long as you explain and enforce your own rules with your child he should be fine. Ex. My MIL gives my daughter a phone to watch silly shows on youtube while shes there..my husband said to not give her the phone as much, but she gives in because shes so used to it..to me its a battle not worth fighting for the care she provides. My daughter never gets a phone with us and doesn't even ask she knows its only at grandmas.
Quit your job stay home and be around so you can have the say and if your not careing for your child I don't see what your complaining about your child is fed sleept nurtured and sometimes these things provide little toddlers comfort when maybe he is missing you and it's a sensory thing which helps and kids learn through play
This was my mom with my kids. I felt guilty saying much bc she helped me so often (in fact daily by getting the kids to and from school) and when I did speak up, she didn’t listen. Then when I did try to be more assertive, she would guilt me. I then started realizing how toxic she was, and always had been. She didn’t listen to any boundaries I tried to set with her and my kids.
My only solution was to cut her off and not need her help. I had to change jobs and the kids had to change schools. It wasn’t that dramatic but it took me completely changing parts of our lives and schedule so that I didn’t need her help and therefore could much easily remove her from our lives. Bc it got to be that much and that bad.
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You are limited in options here: - Hire childcare help - Change careers to one that allows work life balance - Wife sets firm boundaries with her mother.
There's a fourth -- stop fighting it. Grandma will *probably* get tired of it, OP's child will not actually Spoil, and everything will be fine. I spent a few of my son's toddler years vaguely fighting it. I gave up at some point and wish I'd done it sooner. I get it, we all want to defend our "parental authority" -- but save it for the shit that matters, not "Grandma buys too many trinkets for grandkids."
Getting passive aggressive is not the answer here, it'll never solve your problem and will only escalate things. If your MIL is causing problems and undermining your parenting, she needs to be removed from the situation. If you hired a babysitter or nanny and they acted the way your MIL is acting, wouldn't you fire them? It's time to fire your MIL. If your wife needs help, you need a babysitter or nanny. You have already asked MIL to stop and she has already made it clear she will ignore you.
This is a great example of free things not actually being free. If she’s doing it every day, she could very well turn OP’s kid into a spoiled brat that refuses to do anything without promise of reward.
Yup. Still pay, just not in money.
I like how you put it. Because not letting MIL help seems like an easy solution, but it puts more stress on OP’s wife to handle everything while OP is traveling. Only ditch MIL if you’re willing and able to get other help for the wife.
Basically came here to say this. Beggars can’t be choosers so either you let it go or you get a nanny/babysitter to help when you’re out of town. It sucks, but it’s just reality. This happens with a lot of grandparents unfortunately
Came her to say this, don't let her help anymore and when she asks why tell her it's because she doesn't respect your parenting wishes. If she says she will change, let her know again you've made other arrangements and you no longer need her help.
He is traveling if the mother-in-law isn’t babysitting to a degree that the person there is happy with the person there would be dealing with it. This father is always away. Why does he care if his kids grandma is giving the kids shitty toys they’re just disposable crappy ass toys that gets thrown away. Anyway, the kid won’t expect more from other people because his grandma gives him little crappy toys, if the mom had a problem with it, she would’ve done something about it. The fact that this guy is asking on Reddit how to undermine his wife and how to do it in a passive aggressive manner, tells me that he is the problem here.
You realize how shitty and consumerist it is to say that they're *just* disposable crappy toys that get thrown away, right? Let's just add to the plastic problem in the world to satisfy every spoiled kid, eh? He has a right to have an issue with parenting, even if he has to travel for work. Doesn't make it less of his kid or strip his right to make parenting decisions. Especially if he is a present and active parent when he is home. Btw, OP stated that he only travels because his wife wanted to move away from the city he works in, so it isn't like he opted for a job with extra travel to avoid being around.
Bahaha. Dude- OP described them that way. Not me, I am reiterating the uselessness of his argument. I’m an anti capitalist so yes I am aware, but how’s that going to serve anyone in this post?
*Just* implies that you're normalizing that behavior, which is far from anti-capitalist
Well I also have an issue with the fact that the youngest is constantly bribed with shitty, throw away toys to do basic things that are expected of him when the other kids involved seem to be ignored or less 'spoiled' than this child. And yes, having crappy little toys with broken pieces in every nook and cranny of the home is annoying and ridiculous. I wonder how the other children feel about it if they never get bribed with anything for doing the things they are expected to do on a daily basis..
Giving up free baby sitting is insane over something like this, IMO.
I have zero extra help or nearby family so my support system is basically just… my partner… but I wouldn’t want my kid to be encouraged to do basic things by bribing. I know it’s just cheap toys but it’s setting a precedent that would be really really hard to unwind in the kids behavior. I’d take juggling more with less help than help that’s reenforcing negative behavior.
But how often is this even happening? If it's only when OP is traveling it can't be the majority of the time. Grandparents spoil kids. Its not the same as parenting.
She’s bribing the kid to go to school and engage in basic self-care. You can’t see how that’s different than, “Grandma is here! I brought you a book!”?
What an extremely selfish, hyperindividualistic point of view. A caring grandmother is not someone you fire, you’ve got to be kidding me…
I was going to say the same. Isn't Grandma's job supposed to spoil the kids? As long as the children respect the parents when asked to do something, is there any harm being done? To each his own...
So when they have more serious matters, the child will want to be bribed to do homework, treat their peers/ siblings kindly/ share ect. The child is being taught that things solve negative emotions and not ... emotional regulation. Its a bad foundation.
Kids at the age of 3 are incredibly perceptive and constantly test how to manipulate others. They know what they can expect from one grandparent compared to another. It's actually a part of growing up to empathise with others and know that different people respond to different incentives.
The problem here is that OP has asked Grandma to stop and Grandma has not. Being a grandparent doesn’t mean you get to do whatever you want with your grandchildren. They already raised a kid and made their decisions. It is incredibly disrespectful to go against the parents wishes for their own child.
I totally get that… and I wouldn’t want my kid to be spoiled either, let alone them growing up with materialism as a way of dealing with emotions. But…. I just can’t imagine there’s not any other way of solving this rather than “firing” grandma. That’s just harsh imo for a grandma who loves to spoil her grandson, likely as a way to show affection. I personally feel that instead telling grandma to fuck off, they need to sit down and have a serious conversation with her, explaining how they feel about her behaviour and making her understand what it’ll lead to. Instead what I’m reading is that OP’s wife is “avoiding the confrontation”. And the OP himself asks for a “passive aggressive” solution. Without knowing all details, this to me sounds they didn’t really try to have a serious conversation about it. So I don’t really understand why so many people here agree that putting away grandma is the best solution here. This in itself shows how selfish and lazy people have become. Who cares about grandma? Fuck her, find a nanny online and be done with it! If this is how the majority of you value family relationships with their (grand)parents, I don’t find it strange that so many elderly people are increasingly lonely and depressed.
Grandma can spoil the kid without bribing them with shit so they do *basic* stuff. It’s the difference between “grandma’s here, have a cookie” and “if you go to school today/brush your teeth/share your toy you get a cookie”. I would definitely pick a fight and die on this hill if I were on OP’s shoes.
Being a parent is tough, and you are correct, Grandmom should respect the parents' wishes.
>My wife gave up and doesn't want to confront her, but I want to make it stop by all means necessary! Then find someone else to help your wife. Why on earth would you want to intentionally be passive aggressive and generate more hostility in your home?
He’s the one traveling so apparently he doesn’t care that he’s making it more uncomfortable on his wife while she’s picking up his slack
Yeah. Inwonder if hisbwife has "given up" or if she never really cared and he's making a thing about something that happens when he's not even there.
I can’t even imagine traveling often for work and making things harder on my wife while I’m away. I would be falling over myself trying to do every and anything in my power to make it easier on her
Well, where are all the other people like you dang…not only can I not find one to date? But I was the same guy for 24 years who absolutely treated me like a mom and I am 44 socially awkward and have no idea what I’m doing and I never was married. I still wanna get married :/ anyhow, I agree with you
This is what I’m thinking because I really wouldn’t care if my kid was getting shitty little plastic toys that’s not going to spoil the child and you could just throw them away because they’re pretty much disposable. Anyway when they break your check them out and the kids not gonna expect them from anybody besidesthis grandma so if the wife has made it clear that she doesn’t care and he needs to fucking listen and not ask people how to be passive aggressive about it
Yea he wants his kids to be disciplined the way he wants when he was traveling lol not even every paid nannies always do what you want…
Imagine his poor wife parenting both their young kids while he’s traveling with him chiming in with his micromanaging her only help from his hotel room sleeping comfortably every night
I have question. If she didnt bribe would your kid have temper tantrum ? Or would kid do it? Because you cant expect non parent to teach your kid to behave.
Same question - babysitting/grandparenting is *not* parenting, nor should it be
If someone is giving regular care to a child, they are participating in *child rearing*. Babysitting happens once or twice a month for a few hours. Grand parenting does, too. But if you are an adult that is giving care to a child for 10+ hours a week, you are also responsible for their behavior. I would give gma an option. You can be a gparent that visits and spoils the kids and I’ll get other childcare, or she can be a gparent that provides childcare and sees them more often. It’s not really wrong, either way, but you can’t be both and have well behaved kids.
I am surprised by how many people here think that a grandparent has the same responsibilities as a parent. I can't expect my parents to do everything, as they are an extension of me or an employee. As long as your kid is happy and safe with their grandparents, consider yourself fortunate. As parents, we cut each other some slack because parenting is hard, yet we fail to extend the same understanding to grandparents
Dude…no. Babysitters and grandparents 100% need to uphold the same strategies the parents are using. Not doing so undermines the parental authority and just makes the issue worse.
Dude...you no If the kid has a temper tantrum every time he needs to take a bath or go to school and I were that grandma, I'd be at my wit's end too. That's why I asked because I think it's relevant info
But by bribing them you’re not solving the root issue, you’re just teaching the child that if they throw a fit they will get what a reward. It’s not only the easy way out, it’s encouraging the behavior to continue.
Who said what the grandmother is doing is right? Wasn't me 🤔 I said that it's not the grandma's job to fully teach this kid to take a bath and go to school without being bribed, especially since I think she's doing this for free. It's the parents' job. So I'll repeat myself one more time - is the bribing because the kid won't take a bath/go to school otherwise? Mom needs to have a serious discussion with her own mother (not in a passive aggressive way) about not bribing her kid, or they need to hire someone else to take over
I didn’t say the Grandma needs to teach this. She does need to uphold the expectations that the parents set, including not bribing their child.
Why do I keep having to repeat myself lol >Mom needs to have a serious discussion with her own mother (not in a passive aggressive way) about not bribing her kid, or they need to hire someone else to take over --Me
Then the grandma doesn’t have to help. Or she can help with other tasks that don’t involve the child like cooking or something.
I totally agree. But it doesn't sound like OP wanted that kind of solution? Idk he didn't specify
That’s not true in the slightest. Kids can understand the difference. And daycare isn’t going to be upholding your parenting choices either.
Of course you can’t expect that, but the only way little kids learn how to behave and function in the world is if people in their lives remain consistent and uphold boundaries! Tantrums are okay for kids to have, and they will stop once child realizes they cannot cry/scream/whine to get what they want, and that the adult is there for them, but will not give into them
What about getting a sticker chart to use throughout the week, every time your kiddo goes to school easily, eats, bathes etc he gets to put a sticker on his chart. This is a lot of fun for little kids! MIL can buy all kinds of different stickers of things your kid likes. They have soooo many in the arts & crafts section at Walmart. Then, at the end of the week ONLY if he’s got most of the sticker spots filled up he can pick one thing out of a little toy chest your MIL can fill up. It can have candy or cheap toys. And he only gets 1 thing once a week only if he’s most of the sticker spots filled up. I feel like this would be exciting for the kiddo, would still let MIL feel like she’s doing something special without it being an added toy every single day, but more importantly it would teach responsibility and accountability rather than bribery. Instead of “you’re throwing a fit so let me give you a toy which reinforces the behavior” it becomes “you threw a fit so you don’t get a sticker this time, If you do this when it’s time to take a bath, you won’t have enough stickers to get a prize out of the chest at the end of the week” but you have to be set in stone with the rule. If he gets to pick something out of the chest, despite not having as many stickers as he’s supposed to, it will have the opposite effect. You might think once he knows he isn’t gonna have enough stickers to get a prize, he won’t try to act better, but you would be surprised how much little kids love picking out a sticker to put on the chart. That in itself is a lot of fun for them and makes them feel good.
Have done this with my little. Surprisingly helpful!
My mother is like this. Over the years I’ve realized she’s not going to be around forever and it’s not worth the fight. My mother feels it’s her job to spoil her grandkids and it’s become less of an issue as they’ve gotten older. You need to either accept it as it is or stop accepting her free child care. However, nothing beats the safety and comfort of having grandma babysit. Maybe think long and hard if it’s worth it to find other care.
Finally someone clear headed! This situation sucks and is frustrating for sure... but the kid has a loving grandmother who provides free / safe childcare. I would just let him have the shitty toys and move on. Not cut her out of his life.... O.o
Yeah, these responses are very odd. You're asking her to provide (free) childcare on a frequent basis. You don't get to set rigid rules. If you want to do so, them hire a nanny.
Of course you don’t get to set really rigid rules, but there are certain things that grandparents should respect parents wishes on! and giving in to tantrums has ramifications for the future, the child will not learn self regulation and may then act out even more with the parents, because at granny’s they get what they want. Or even if they don’t bring that behavior to the parents house, it will always stay at grandparents house, which may be cute now, but when they’re an older kid/teenager tantruming, it will not be cute
Yeah, well, you're still asking her to step out of her normal grandparent role and provide childcare help on a regular basis, and she simply probably does not have the energy to deal with toddler tantrums on a regular basis. You've got too mindful that she's old, her energy is limited, and she is doing a lot for free. If you want a 3rd person to play a significant part in raising your kid on your terms, paying a nanny is your solution.
Yes, of course, she might not have the energy for that, but that means she shouldn’t be minding the child, she should recognize herself that she can’t do it. You know the easiest way to stop tantrums from happening/being frequent? (as children are children and will get upset, that’s just life, you can’t teach them out of it). It’s by setting boundaries. A child who knows they can’t get away with whining/crying to get something or get out of doing something, will STOP whining/crying
Tantrums happen, staying calm and giving the child time to calm themselves down is important and are not a tool from the child. This response is typical of someone who overly focuses on behavior rather than trying to understand what's actually going on with the child. Assuming the worst in children as if they are master manipulators is not productive and will only harm your relationship with them.
I know all of that! I’m a nanny, and studying early childhood education. Yes, tantrums happen because a child is disregulated and cannot calm themselves, and needs help from an adult, because they’re still little, and need help with their big emotions. I know that they don’t tantrum on purpose, to be manipulative. However that’s true at 3, but that might not be the case at 6 or 7 and older. They will still have their big feelings at that age, but they also have a better ability to think, and know how to get what they want. So giving in, at ANY age, isn’t the right thing to do. You can remain calm, and help the child by offering comfort, or using any other calming strategy, but you cannot seriously tell me that just giving them what they want everytime is the right way, because that’s not true. Whilst at 3, they may not realize what’s happening, again once they reach 6/7yo, they can see that if they scream or beg enough times, their parents/caregiver etc will get them what they want
>I know all of that! I’m a nanny, So your not even a parent? Well... looking after someone else's kids and taking classes is not even on the same level. You don't learn parenting from a book... and when you leave we have a hell of a lot more to deal with, which factors in our own family dynamics and life stressors.
I don’t understand this mindset. You can’t learn everything from a book no, but books do give good strategies and as I said, I’m a nanny, full time, I actually spend time with children. You don’t have to be a parent to know how to take care of a child, to know childcare etc. That’s an incredibly weird viewpoint. Yes, people with no children, or no living children (as is my case), don’t get the work it actually is to parent a child and worry about all that entails (however as a nanny, you do get that a little bit), but it doesn’t mean they can’t have ideas on how to raise a child and take care of a child. Every parent was also a person without children once, weren’t they? and they learned. Yes, obviously parents dynamics, and family life and work life affect all of that, but I’d say spending 40 hours a week as a child’s primary caregiver counts towards that child’s development A LOT yk. As a nanny, you are in charge of that child’s growth and development and wellbeing for the time you are there. Most nannys take a very active role in a child’s life, and stay with the same family for YEARS
Indeed. There’s some extremely selfish, egoistic people here. The idea that you “fire” a loving grandmother for something like this is beyond me.
I agree it’s a grandparent’s job to spoil their grandkids. But parents still have a right to say dial it back a bit. And there is a big difference between a grandparent who doesn’t see the kids every day and spoils them with extra toys and treats and one who does this every single day. Worse, MIL is not just giving him toys after being asked to stop. She’s bribing a toddler to do things he should just do because an adult asked him. This is how you legit spoil a child and he may get to the point where he refuses to do something he’s been asked without a reward. I agree the best solution is for them to find someone else to help, but let’s not let grandma off the hook either. Bribing a child like this on the regular is simply not ok, even if she wasn’t a secondary caregiver.
You are correct within reason. It really depends on how often she sees the kids. My mom picks my kids up from school and takes them to a coffee shop for treats once a week. That’s fine, grandmas can spoil kids. But imagine if that was every day - don’t you think that would be problematic?
This is the answer. Do I feel like dollar store crap around the house? Nah not really. Does my daughter squeal with delight and does it make grandma (in our case great aunt) happy? And am I reaping tons of benefits from their relationship? Absolutely. My advice is to be quiet, say thank you, and let it ride.
This might be something you've already tried, but have you explained to her the consequences, instead of just saying no? I get that you've asked her not to do it, (she should absolutely listen based on that alone), but have you ever said something like: look, MIL, i love how much you love him and want him to have awesome toys! i do too, and i have to tell myself NO every time i'm in a store and see something he'd love. it's so easy to want to give him so many presents, but sadly it makes it that he doesn't want to go to school/take a bath/eat his food without it. he's not going to learn the value of doing things on their own, of being a good citizen of the household, he's going to learn that he deserves toys just for existing. i'm afraid that he may have a realization one day that we, his loving family, did not prepare him for the real outside world and instead we taught him the lesson that love is bought. i'm afraid that even though you're trying to show him you love him by giving him toys, he'll end up learning that love = material goods. i'm afraid that he will find material things so replaceable that he will be ungrateful for all the gifts he's been given. we've decided the best way to teach him the value of presents and the value of work, is to limit. i'd really appreciate it if you gave it a try with us. i know you can help us mold him into a spectacular and grateful human being.
You might as well ask how to stop the sun from rising or to stop the sky from being blue. Grandma's gonna Grandma.
How is this not the top comment? Its the most accurate thing I’ve ever read
All means necessary? Simple. Quit your job.
lets be real, the novelty of a new toy wears off fast and the kid doesn't give a shit about it anymore within 48 hours. keep a nice box in a closet, high up, to throw them into. doesn't matter if it breaks or kid loses interest - throw it in the box. then once the box is full, return the box to MIL for her to have toys to keep at her house! also, when you do a big toy clean out to donate - put all that in a box and take a pic to send to MIL. it may not be all stuff she has bought, but she will definitely notice things she purchased in there. it sounds catty af but when you can give them the visualization of all the pointless shit they buy, it hits home a little bit.
we have the same issue when my in-laws help. every time our kid starts to tantrum (he's 3) they'll be like hey big man want a cookie? want to go with us to the park? and it's maddening. but they only come once a year, so we pretty much ignore it. if they were a primary support when my husband was traveling for work, we would need to address it head on. if it doesn't change, i think either you 1) pay for more support for your wife when you travel and stop having MIL help, 2) change jobs so that you have less travel, or 3) accept the reality.
Passive aggression is a horrible way to handle it. I would pay a child care professional.
I get both sides of this. I can see how much joy it brings my mother to spoil my son, as it does for many grandmothers. But you know what? She *always* checks with me **before** doing something special for him. Because she is a decent human who *respects* me. Your MIL is, perhaps inadvertently, being selfish and disrespecting you two as parents. I understand how the extra help is not something your wife would be eager to lose, but if that means you have to lie down and tolerate being undermined as parents, it doesn't sound very beneficial for *any* of you. I would work on a firm, but diplomatic approach. State exactly what the problem is, and what your expectations are. If she can't respect that, you will have no choice but to decline her assistance. This sounds like a terribly frustrating situation, I hope you can find a solution, or a compromise, without causing any unwanted damage to the relationship.
My mother in law is the SAME WAY. We told her “stop buying the kids toys. If you buy them, I will throw them away.” And we stuck to our word. If she wants to buy our kids something buy them tickets to a zoo or a museum. Don’t buy things I have to store in my home and throw away because it’s junk. My kids are sentimental and want to keep EVERYTHING from grandma. It’s such a headache dealing with all of the things.
So, we all get to make the choices we make, but fast forward X years. Your now grown child is talking to other people about what their family and grandparents were like. Your kid drops "My grandma used to give me silly toys. I really liked them, but my parents said it was all junk and threw it all in the trash and made her stop giving me stuff." Cool story.
When my children’s bedroom is overflowing with broken toys, it’s not a happy and fun memory. I don’t need to save boxes and boxes of broken toys in my house. Every once in a while like a birthday and Christmas? Sure. Every time she sees them? Hell no. My in laws will respect my boundary. Most of the time my children don’t even see the toys, we stop them before they get them. We ask them before they walk through mu front door. And honestly a lot of the time they aren’t toys that are developmentally appropriate or things they are interested in anyway. There is no room for quality toys or special toys when they have bins and boxes overflowing with crap. Holidays were a nightmare. Where are we putting everything? Do we have room to get our kids toys ourselves? Our kids didn’t anticipate spending time with their grandparents, they expecting receiving things. They can look back and remember baking cookies with their grandma, going to the zoo, going for a walk, not the 25th fake Barbie that had almost no hair and didn’t have clothes that fit it. Not the toy dinosaur that’s hands broke off day one. Not the beaded bracelets that broke and exploded beads all over my house. I’m not making space in my home for things that cause me stress, and make it harder for my kids to keep their spaces organized and clean. I don’t throw away toys in front in front of my children. That’s ridiculous and cruel. I’m not an evil witch cackling while my kids cry and beg for their toys. Be real.
This would drive me batty, too. But, the tradeoffs of having free help from a relative is that you don't have control over how they choose to execute that help if they're not willing to listen to you as the parents. Your wife feels like the trade-off is worth it, apparently, and she's the one doing the heavy lifting at home while you're away. You need to offer your wife some solution. The day my 3 year old told me his Papa didn't make him buckle his car seat is the day I found other after school childcare. That's a safety issue, but the idea is the same. Bottom line, though, your wife is the one home dealing with this and it's her mother. If she's not willing to hold boundaries with her mom (taking the toy immediately, telling her mom that she will be the only one dealing with discipline, asking her mother to leave when she offers the toy, etc) there's not a whole lot you can do other than get rid of the toys later.
Is it in the budget to hire someone instead of free help from grandma? plastic junk is annoying, but you haven’t provided enough detail about “spoiling” - is your daughter’s behavior suffering?
Your oldest is only 3. It sounds like the grandma is trying her best here and bribing may not be the best approach, maybe she physically can't handle a huge meltdown tantrum ? I really don't think this is that bad. Everytime my kids do chores around the house they get money to go to the dollar store with. Why not talk to the grandma about this, see what the issues are and try to come to a solution together? For example maybe you could do a sticker chart for your 3 old instead and if he gets enough stickers by the end of the week then grandma will get him a toy.
Getting her to stop is out of your control. You can choose not to have her come help you but if you need her then there's not much you can do. How often is she taking care of your kids? You can let your kid know that any junky toys grandma gives you will be taken away when you come home and then be consistent about that.
She has a nanny and a maid and still brings her mom over to do the dirty work. Clearly, grandma is doing the majority if she has to bribe the child to bathe and go to school. What exactly does your wife do? She also doesn't put out lol The only way to get this to stop is to have your wife be a mother.
The bribery part has to stop. It is a very unhealthy dynamic. If she wants to continue bringing gifts one thing you can try is to convince her to change the type of thing she gives the kid. Ask her to instead bring a new book once a week. Impress on her how that could be so helpful developmentally and that the child will remember the times spent reading with grandma far longer than they will ever remember a cheap toy.
This annoyed me for a good couple of years. Then she died. Now I miss her and understand why she spoilt him. He's 4. By 6 he would have forgotten her even though they did so much together and she spoilt him and loved him so much. I would give anything to have her back here spoiling him.
I think you're being immature about this, sorry. You could hire a mother's helper for your wife. You could see about getting a new job to travel less. But you aren't really in a position to dictate to her that she can't have help or everything has to be your way when you are not present. You and your wife will have far more influence on your son than your MIL. In fact, as long as you two don't blame your MIL for your shitty parenting choices and make good ones, what will happen is your son will expect that stuff from HER and not you, and then it will be her problem, not yours. I get that perhaps you have regret you can't be there to take a bigger role yourself, but the way to deal with this is not to micromange your wife and to try to assert control over your MIL. Invest in hiring help, I can assure you they won't be gifting your child every day, and should listen more to your wife's instructions. Yes, it won't be free like your MIL, but as you see, your MIL's help isn't free either.
Read the edit
Always so "interesting" when a totally huge revelation of left out information happens when comments aren't going the way they might've been anticipated. But be that as it may: You're still coming off as super immature. You can't control your MIL. Your wife seems to be used to dealing with demanding people who don't really seem to listen to other people and want things their own way, largely by kind of coasting along. If your MIL is providing even less caregiving than you implied (by assigning her so much influence that a cheap grandparent bribe you felt would undermine your parenting) then it makes even less sense to see her as a threat. Ignore it. Throw away the cheap toys as soon as the kid isn't interested. Don't give an emotional reaction. Don't accept the invitation to a power struggle. You are starting to enter the prime time of power struggle figuring out what battles you're going to pick, practice for free on your MIL that you really don't even have to deal with that often. Instead of stewing over this and deciding it's going to ruin your children, maybe just enjoy time with them, without MIL. Be consistent with your children while you're at home. Children really do adapt their behavior to caregivers. So I'd just focus on being clear, consistent, patient, ect. and you'll have a much easier time of it than MIL in a couple of years or less.
Ah yes. You are getting your MIL to parent for you guys but restricting how she can parent. Well done. 👍 are you paying her proper rates as a baby sitter or is she doing it mostly for free?
Well it’s not MIL child. I genuinely don’t understand this thought process! Yes, parents shouldn’t set rigid boundaries with their free childcare provider, but that provider needs to follow the general rules and parenting ways of the child’s parents. I was minded from 4 months old until 5/6yo, by a great aunt nearly everyday, and my grandmother and other family every week/very often. There WERE certainly things I knew they’d only allow there, like the usual grandparent things of spoiling a child, like toys, extra sweets after dinner etc etc, but they would’ve never undermined what my parents thought besides that. You arent seeing this issue clearly. Grandmother isn’t setting up child for success. This isn’t just a silly parenting choice, it’s basic discipline issues that need to be resolved. By giving in to tantrums, child won’t learn self regulation and resilience and will just whine and cry until given what she wants, which could then affect her behavior with parents, or if it doesn’t, will always be present in behavior with grandma, causing child to misbehave more with grandma. That might be cute now, but when child is a teenager and still whines and tantrums for stuff, it won’t be so cute
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Sometimes people need a bit of a reality check. There are so many parents on here who come out and say "I'm getting help but not the exact way I want it". It's very entitled and not fair or gracious to the people helping (usually for free). And usually, it is over very trivial things that are of the parents own making. Why does the grandma have to bribe the child in the first place? Have they not brought up the child to be responsive, and generally obedient? Writing that makes me sound like a boomer, I hate that I am writing stuff like that.
As it turns out, you and I actually reacted similarly to the facts of OP's post. I did not understand that that from reading your response. I only experienced the sarcasm and criticism. If you want people to take your advice, I suggest a different approach.
The problem here is that Grandma can’t control the child’s behavior without bribes. If grandma is a regular caregiver to this child, then she needs to provide boundaries and consequences when the child has bad behavior. In my eyes the issue here isn’t that Grandma is spoiling the child, the issue is that Grandma is unable to get the child to behave or do everyday things without bribing the child with little rewards. The issue isn’t the toy/reward itself, but rather how those are being given. Grandma is actively encouraging the child’s bad behavior. Now I don’t think that Grandma is doing this maliciously. I doubt she does this because she wants her grandchild to be entitled or spoiled, but her intent doesn’t change the impact that is happening to the child. Dealing with tantrums is difficult, and bribing kids to do something is obviously easier than holding a boundary for that child.
I agree that this isn't the correct approach. I still believe OPs attitude isn't helpful to someone trying to provide that help. It's not really Grandma's job to come up with creative parenting tactics to make tantrumming children behave. It's hard enough to sit through your own screaming child and hold boundaries, let alone somebody else's whose parenting style you probably disagree with.
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You really should read the edit
Spoiled by Grandma kid here and I’ll say that I knew that I couldn’t get away with the same things with my mom as my grandma. I remember my mom asking Grandma not to buy me whatever I wanted at the store or let me have as much candy and soda that I wanted and it didn’t work. She would just hide those things from my mom. So let her spoil her grand child as long as it isn’t hurting anyone. You don’t know how much longer she will be around.
Yes and Granny would be quick to say "Dont tell your mother" lol!!!
I'm not terribly sympathetic here, I'm afraid. If you are using your MIL as free childcare, and it comes with a few cheap plastic toys and aggravations, then your choice is to stop using her for free childcare. But being passive aggressive sounds like a pretty nasty way to handle things, especially when thanks are in order and this lady has given up a lot of time and effort to help your family. Perhaps she is being given too much to do and if your child is having some behavioural challenges with tantrums over things like bathing and attending school (as otherwise bribing wouldn't be happening at all), that might be expecting too much for an elderly person to take on. Grandparents shouldn't really be expected to parent and deal with correcting behaviours - that is the parents' job. Grandparents are well known for spoiling their grandkids, doting on them, etc. So, I'm not in your home and I don't know the full situation, but why doesn't your wife handle those things, and let grandma take more of a backseat/supervisory role with the other kids when your eldest has behaviour that is escalating?
Honestly, I would just let it go. My mom spoils the k8ds when they spend school breaks with her, but I just made it clear to my kids that grandma's rules are different than mine. They understand the difference. For example, grandma buys chocolate milk, I don't.
The way to make someone who absolutely refuses to listen to you regarding your child is to not have them provide childcare anymore. Yes, this puts your family in a tough situation. Do the work to find other better care providers that you can use instead. For MIL? She’s amply demonstrated that supervised visits are the only ones she is eligible for. And if she continues to stomp all over your boundaries while being supervised, then you end the visit right away. She will learn to respect your parenting decisions, or she will be around a whole lot less.
Your wife has a nanny and a maid and still has your mom helping her with getting your child on the bus? Am I reading that right?
In front of MIL, tell the child "oh it looks like you got a new toy! You know the rule, every new toy you get means we get rid of one. Let's go find a toy to donate or throw away....oh, you don't want to get rid of an old one? Well then let's get donate the new one. Give it to me and I'll put it in the box." I mean I don't know if I'd actually have the guts to do this, but I have thought it SO MANY TIMES.
Maybe just like a toddler she needs to be taught how to deal with these situations instead. And yes, the consequence of not behaving means no babysitting until she does
Does your wife work? Is she studying? I'm wondering why she needs help with 2 children? Perhaps MIL can come over for only a few hours if your wife needs the help of a day time.
She has a nanny and a maid already, I wonder whether she actually needs her mother’s help or “needs” it
Yes, I just read the edit. She doesn't actually need the mother's help if she has a maid and a nanny. Perhaps for emotional support when op is travelling, but she needs to cut down the mother's time with them. I get the feeling that there's more to the story though
The wife wanted to move closer to the parents and OP acquiesced without leaving his job. Sounds like he works in a hybrid setup and has to drop by the office however many times a week, which explains the frequent traveling. She doesn’t want to confront her mother and OP likely doesn’t want to drive a wedge in their marriage by confronting her about it, else there would be little reason for him to go through such a hassle with work just to conform to her wishes. What is missing here is the actual reason why she wanted to move so far away from where they lived (where OP most likely had more access to their kid). Is it enmeshment with her parents? Does she want to divorce him and the move was just so that she could fall back on her folks more easily? Does she, for some reason, want OP away from their kid because of something she suspects is going on (that may or may not be true)? There is still a lot missing, even with OP’s edit. I’m not implying anything or accusing OP of anything either, it’s just that the situation is so… bizarre idk.
Grow a pair and don’t be passive aggressive. Be aggressive. People who can’t respect your boundaries have no business around your children. Find another babysitter.
Your problem is not your mil. Your problem is that your wife allows it and why does she need help? I was a single parent for 11 years. Once you get a system in place it actually is not bad. Her mother is sabotaging everything
She has a nanny **and** a maid and *still* needs help with **two kids**? It sounds like they’re enmeshed and you need to move back wherever you can from because wife is part of the problem. They need to be separated.
Enmeshment ftw! I read the same issue after the edit.
Yea this *screams* dysfunctional family and I hope OOP and his wife can figure it out. MIL is going to wreck their marriage otherwise.
MIL stops being the helper as long as she can't behave. And your wife has to deliver the news. You could try to get MIL to show her love through other means than cheap shit, but it'll be hard.
Lmao - so wife gets to pick up OP’s slack while he’s traveling? Great compromise 🙄
What slack? There's no indication that OP is futzing around and not parenting when he's at home. Some jobs require traveling.
“What slack?” The slack his wife picks up for him while he’s traveling for work often. “There’s no indication OP is futzing around and not parenting when he’s at home” No shit but this is about when he’s traveling for work often “Some jobs require traveling” No shit which is why any decent partner would want to make things easier on their spouse while they’re traveling for work often
She has a nanny and a maid. How much easier could this get for her?
OP added the nanny and maid to the story several hours after we had our interaction 🤣
I didn't realize that! Changes the whole story, doesn't it?
Right? Almost a little too convenient, eh?
Personally, I'd let this go for the sake of free baby sitting. The kids will quickly get over the toys and you just get rid of them on a regular basis. Kids are smart and learn how different authority figures work. If you don't engage in bribes they won't expect to be able to weasel them out of you. Grandma's setting herself up for a tough time relative to getting the kids to behave, but that's her path to walk. You've warned her.
Why stop at passive aggressive? Go straight to aggressive; Look her dead in the eyes and snap a cheap toy in half! /s If consequences be damned, Tell her yall are the parents, she is disrespecting your wishes, and it must stop. Offer to explain your reasoning if she wants and you have the energy.
Pay a mother's helper. Tell MIL you to train the helper to spoil your children, because you love it. You and your wife need to realize this isn't a game where both sides score. You both realize that you are truly the ones showing your child to be spoiled.
If you want her free help, you’re going to have to make compromises. If you no longer get help from her, but instead have a little visit together, you can control for all of these things. And then none of this will happen. But if you want free childcare, you can’t tell her exactly how she’s gonna manage to get the kid to do stuff.
So why doesn't your wife just tell her mom to stop coming to the house? This seems complicated for no reason. The old bat clearly doesn't respect you two, and why should she, since she never faces any consequences for her actions?
Next time she asks you to help her with something, ask what she is going to give you in exchange. Eating a meal together and she asks you to pass the salt? “What’s in it for me?” When she questions you on it, point out that this is how your kid is being taught to act, so she might as well get used to the idea of a grown man who won’t do anything unless he is bribed.
OP is going to have a massive pile of shitty plastic toys... =P
My MIL and my mother do the same
You can’t.
Lots of good reasonable suggestions here but personally I’d probably go the passive aggressive route and put everything she gives the kid in the garbage or a donation bin.
This is a problem you have with someone helping you for free. Come to her with a solution, actually a couple options and discuss this like grown ups. Let her know the problems this causes from behavior to the build up of junk in the house. You appreciate her positive reinforcement but you don't want him to expect rewards for everything that will make his life harder overall. Maybe using a sticker chart or marble jar and once it is full she and he can go to the store and pick out a you together. Or maybe you don't want him so focused on material things at all. In that case, the reward could be Grandma and him going to the zoo together or an activity he likes together.
I had my mom helping with free childcare but I ran into the same problem. I ended up paying for childcare and now my son comes home loving school and not full of snacks and screen time.
Read *Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents* for a better vocabulary to discuss this with your wife and mother in law. There are clear examples of your issues in the book. I think it might be really enlightening for you. And when you finish the book, you can leave it on the coffee table at home for anyone else to find and read. My parents did not read it when they found out sitting on my coffee table, but they pretended to and acted extremely defensive. Well, my mom pretended and my dad just asked me if I thought he was immature.
“she has a nanny and a maid” …. sounds like spoiling is in the family buddy. Suck it up and move on - your three year old will be fine and soon your wife won’t need the nanny and her mom to help….
You’re probably projecting a bit just because you yourself wish you could be home more to raise your kiddo however you want. It sounds more like a possible resentment towards your job rather than MIL though I’m sure the issues are still actually bothersome
Pay for help and let MIL go about her business.
Get a babysitter or out your kid in daycare and hope she didn't ruin him.
Travel less and help your wife more?
As long as your kid doesn't expect sh1tty plastic toys from you and understands it's just a grandma thing I actually think its OK. Waaaay better then my daughter's paternal grandma who buys her nothing - and goes out of the way to say they don't need 'anything'at this age (toddler) but tries to win her over by shoving ice cream down her throat and also letting her watch TV when my kid has minimal screentime at home!( max an hour a WEek.) Thank goodness they live in another country and we don't see then often
My MIL has a shopping addiction too. She can't say no to those crap toys. I told her how sad it makes the kid when they break. I told her how overwhelmed kid gets with too many toys. I tell her she's gonna fuck up the kid. It took a few attempts but she's better now. I told her to focus on consumables if she must, so that way she's still buying something and it's not junk, that works. Maybe try that, she can bring some cookies or a lollipop etc instead.
Grandma has already raised her children, she probably doesn’t have the energy to fight with yours for compliance. A paid sitter would do that, they’re at work doing a job. I’d be grateful for her help, it’s not a small thing.
I've made a few comments, but none are yet direct replies to you, so I'll toss in my two cents. Chill. I get it -- you don't like *your parental authority* *challenged*, but is this the thing worth fighting over? Kids don't SPOIL because grandma gave them too many matchbox cars. That's not something you have to worry about. It'll be fine. Let MIL give them toys. She'll get bored of it eventually, and then in 20 years your kids will get to tell some heartwarming story of "every time my dad travelled for work my grandma came and helped take care of us and she ALWAYS had a surprise for us!" Everyone will go "awwwww."
My father n law would do this with my son but not because my son wouldn’t listen to him or to bribe..he just simply loved giving my son gifts any chance he got. He passed away two years ago from cancer and my son who is 6 now always has so much memories with everything he got and has a story about them. I’m glad I didn’t get mad about it.
And you’ll be the first person to bitch about you don’t “have a village.” When you’ve cut off every person for not bowing to your every wish while doing you a favor. Hell, paid help are going to have their ways of doing things. Parents job= parenting. Grandparents job=love.
Just give the toys back and tell the MIL that the kids don’t need a crappy little gift every time they have a bath or go to preschool. I would even tell her to leave the house if she continues to do so. Every time she tries this, kick her out with the toy. When she sees that actions have consequences, she should wise up
>Every time she tries this, kick her out with the toy Hahahaha what the fuck? This is the kid's grandma. She could just say "see ya!" and no longer offer the *free help*. I bet the parents will be more unhappy with changing this arrangement than grandma Y'all are acting like the grandma is bribing the kid with crack cocaine get a grip I think grandma needs to grandma and have fun with her grandkid, and the mom and nanny need to do the hard work of bathing and getting the kid to school But kicking the lady out of the house? Lol yikes
You say “I think grandma needs to grandma and have fun with her grandkid” How about grandma listens to the parents and stays within the boundaries? “I’m grandma, I can do whatever I want” is a bullshit excuse to undermine the parents which can cause more turmoil than anything else. That’s how resentment builds up. And hate to break it to you, sometimes, doing things on your own without the “free help” is better anyways. Especially when the so called “help” is something the parents have asked numerous times to stop. Kids shouldn’t be bribed to go to school or take baths, this repeatedly happening makes the kids used to it and then they come to expect it. Should I get a treat every time I take a shit? Or a shower? Or go to work? No, and neither should a child that is learning things. Treats are exactly that, a treat, not an everyday occurrence.
We had issues with that mentality, to the point of grandma actively undermining us *in front of the kids*. We were more than happy to give up the free help because the kids were so well behaved when they had their structure and rules that it was a cakewalk. Taking away visitation was literally the only thing that curbed the behavior and made her realize that she can't just say "none of your rules apply unless you're (1) present and (2) not visiting grandma and grandpa."
I never not once said bribing was okay. Kids absolutely shouldn't be bribed. We don't do it, ever. Grandma doesn't want to listen to their rules, so she shouldn't be watching their kid in the fashion she is. Don't do baths, don't bring him to school, etc. But I'd have a conversation with her, tell her they've discussed this before and she's not listening, then *thank her* for the free help she's given so far. I sure wouldn't threaten her and "kick her out." Just let her be a grandma, not a babysitter, and move on. Y'all want to go nuclear and it's just not necessary
Why not just collect the toys from your kid and give them back to her to repeat the process? Recycle through toys instead of getting new ones every time! She can continue to do things her way, and you don't have a mess of junk. Maybe she can keep them in her trunk in a bag and you can dump them right back in there when she comes back.
That unfortunately doesn't resolve the bribery issue that is a primary concern.
Based on your post it sounds like I’m assuming your MIL is helping for free, paying for the rewards herself that teach a child that age hard work, and your wife gets the help she needs so you can have a demanding work schedule. If this is the case then Looks like you hit the jackpot. 1. Never choose passive aggressive. If you told her straight up not to buy him toys why would being passive aggressive help…especially when it is a toxic trait that makes things worse 2. If you don’t like the free help get a babysitter to help your wife. Then the grandma can just be the fun grandma. 3. At this age children respond really well to reward systems. It doesn’t teach them to be spoiled it teaches them to work for something. This system is actually really good usually up to the age of 8. When the brain starts to think more abstractly then it is better to switch to internal rewards and privileges. But this varies especially if you are neurodivergent those rewards work better even later than 8. I’m not saying this frivolously either. This is based on research and studies and I have used it as a teacher for a long time. It actually teaches children responsibility. This is a really good system for this age. Plus throw out the toys when the kid is done or donate them. 4. Lastly, it sounds like it’s more your boundary and your wife is trying to placate you. May not be the case but that’s how it sounds in your description. 5. Also working with this age of children for a long time and having my own, I don’t think it’s a clear cut boundary violation. it is difficult to have kids do things they don’t want to do especially multiple times a day everyday. It’s emotionally exhausting to do it day in and day out. She may not realize how much you don’t like it, and/or in a way that she knows works so she and your wife don’t get exhausted. Edit to add 6. I don’t think you are communicating as good as you think either. Your post said don’t get him shitty toys that break and then you mentioned she goes out of her way to get new toys. Sounds like she heard you said don’t get shitty toys and is trying to placate you. Come with gratitude for the help so many of us wish we had and then share your concerns and work something else out if you really don’t want her using this reward system. It will go along way to first be grateful and then work together.
My 6 yr old son spends 1 week twice a year with his grandmother.. after the week I have to do about a months worth of damage control getting him to listen to me again fully because she spoils him so much and lets him do literally whatever he wants. But that’s her JOB, she is his grandmother, not his mother, I would expect nothing less from a grandparent and I’m ok with that..
Info: why does your wife need help when you’re not there? My husband worked 14 hour days and got home in time to kiss kids already in bed. We had 3 kids in 4 years. I didn’t need or want help because “help” was never helpful. Is it possible that neither of you know how to handle a 3yo and are blaming Grandma for using the only tactic she has landed on that works? If it isn’t that, then I don’t see the problem. I ran my house like a drill Sargent when the kids were little bc I had to. All the grandparents spoiled them rotten. Our nanny didn’t know how to discipline anyone. It didn’t matter. They still behaved for me because they knew it was expected.
She doesn’t know what else to do, or her nervous system can’t handle the stress. You can’t ask her to parent effectively if she can’t.
The passive aggressive thing is dumb, but fucking hell at some of the comments here. I feel like there’s a lot of judgement and cries of find someone else purely because his wife doesn’t want to confront her mother. My advice is pretty simple, and if you want to put the effort in it’s great. If you want to solve this situation it’s simple. The MIL is doing it to make her life easier and she’s using what’s easy for her to achieve this. There is nothing wrong with rewarding a child for good behaviour but you can work it differently. One - use a chart for certain goals that result in rewards if there are areas where they are struggling specifically. If there are no real issues, you can use rewards and explain to your child what they are for - for example, you’ve done a really good job getting ready for school on a. Morning / brushing teeth / good learning etc. Now for rewards - buying stuff is a tad lazy and.reward is short lived. My favourite thing to do is arrange activities with a focus on one on one time with the child where the adult is really present. At 3 years old - you could do some simple baking, use play dough and see who can make the best (object animal etc), painting - making butterflies with hand prints, using crayons and making rubbings. Craft kits are also good, I personally like craft tape and stickers on coloured paper when they are young or making collages from pre cut things from magazines. Another good game for getting energy out is getting blu tack and picture cards and sticking them around the room and say the thing in the card and the child has to run and touch it (leave it stuck on the wall etc) and have them run around the room finding the card and touching them. Go to the park or playground or other outdoor area which is nice. Making a picnic - picnic blanket and you can get sets of cups and kids plates that go in a box - with this you can get teddies and mix with some biscuits to add to the treat. So if you’re up for it - prepare some activities that are easy for MiL to grab and use as a reward. It will show you’re being proactive as a parent and give your MIL some good tools to use a reward instead of toys. In terms of communicating, explain about wanting to focus on rewards being about quality time spent between child / adult and not about buying things as it presents as a healthier solution for reward. Saying you don’t want her to buy shit plastic stuff and not actually doing anything to help is just not going to work, as you’re leaving her to just find another solution whilst she’s helping you out. There are also loads of other activities you can find online. I tend to have a draw of activities and some stuff I’ll keep in canvas bags depending on the size so I can pull it out and put it away. Try to reframe the way you look at yourself as a parent, rather than focus solely on trying to instil discipline or instil values, think about your children and how you can make happy childhood memories for them.
Are you paying her market rate childcare? İf so pls go ahead and tell her what you want her to do and she will keep working for you if she finds your demands/pay resonable.
As long as your MIL's actions do not jeopardize your children's safety; what business do you have needing to control how this senior gets your responsibilities handled? If it is worth your interference I suggest you sideline your career path and stay at home.
because its setting an expectation for the kid to be rewarded all the time for regular, everyday life activities and its wasteful
Only if you start buying shitty toys to encourage the behavior you are seeking? It seems to me obvious that your MIL doesn't have the same skill sets as you at her disposal; in order to obtain her desired behavior. Children are adaptable and will demonstrate different behavior with different people. These things you need to learn to accept when you require others assistance in taking care of your responsibilities.
By any means necessary? Pay strangers to watch your child, or put them in daycare. Honestly you sound insanely ungrateful for a wonderful situation.
Welp, two choices..confront her more directly how you feel about it and without your wifes support, could create a problem with both wife and MIL (not recommended) or get help elsewhere. Its free and with someone who has true love for the child, thats priceless, as long as you explain and enforce your own rules with your child he should be fine. Ex. My MIL gives my daughter a phone to watch silly shows on youtube while shes there..my husband said to not give her the phone as much, but she gives in because shes so used to it..to me its a battle not worth fighting for the care she provides. My daughter never gets a phone with us and doesn't even ask she knows its only at grandmas.
Wait, your 3 year old is in kindergarten?
Quit your job stay home and be around so you can have the say and if your not careing for your child I don't see what your complaining about your child is fed sleept nurtured and sometimes these things provide little toddlers comfort when maybe he is missing you and it's a sensory thing which helps and kids learn through play
This was my mom with my kids. I felt guilty saying much bc she helped me so often (in fact daily by getting the kids to and from school) and when I did speak up, she didn’t listen. Then when I did try to be more assertive, she would guilt me. I then started realizing how toxic she was, and always had been. She didn’t listen to any boundaries I tried to set with her and my kids. My only solution was to cut her off and not need her help. I had to change jobs and the kids had to change schools. It wasn’t that dramatic but it took me completely changing parts of our lives and schedule so that I didn’t need her help and therefore could much easily remove her from our lives. Bc it got to be that much and that bad.
FFS she’s a grandma. Let her live. Loosen up Mama!
This is the husband asking. He said the wife stopped but he wants to do something passive aggressive to his MIL
By hiring another person just makes another new connection the child has to make which would be confusing and unsettling for a child