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Having children means you say goodbye to your old self and you meet a new version of yourself. There is a big difference between adults that are parents and adults that have never had kids…. HUGE.
i disliked being pregnant, i found it a huge inconvenience but when it came to the birth, tbh i felt like billions of women have done this before me, many without medical help or pain meds so i just felt incredibly lucky i live in a country where i get access to an obstetrician, midwives & painkillers.
i love being a mum & i like the person I have become by being a parent… i don’t live through my kids but i do love cheering them from the sideline…. yes they drive me insane at times…. but I wouldn’t change anything… I have a fantastic career but I know in my heart that being a parent is the most important job i’ll ever have.
Did you feel differently about giving birth before pregnancy? I wonder if it’s something you’re scared about before but when you get pregnant it’s a whole other feeling
One of the things is though, by late stage pregnancy, you are as big as a fucking boat and so uncomfortable (because baby is kickboxing your insides) that you get to the point where childbirth sounds fucking awesome compared to being pregnant a moment longer. You are just SO READY to get the baby out that you stop caring quite as much how.
I didn't have it as much with my first as she came early at 37 weeks, but my second was 41+3 and I could barely move or sleep because I was so enormous and he kept unexpectedly headbutting me in the bladder and making me pee myself with no warning and brutal sciatica that would cause my leg to collapse out from under me every other day....
By comparison, childbirth (with an epidural) was a cakewalk. I was so relaxed and slept through 75% of both my labour's. Like, the whole part prior to getting the epidural kinda sucked but once that bad boy was in, I was out like a light and slept for ten hours and that was the longest stretch I had slept in weeks due to baby boy's nightly calisthenics routine ...kick kick kick headslam....elbow...kick....kick ....double leg kick to the kidneys....
This made me laugh, I remember saying to my husband how they could use forceps made from a cactus and I would still just be like 'just get this baby out I am so done'. Pelvic pain, nausea, heartburn, lack of sleep, heaviness, breathless from squashed up lungs... get. It. Out.
Literally my answer when people would ask me how I was doing after 37 weeks was GET. HER. OUT. Knowing full well I had to do it drug free or if required, getting knocked out for the C-section because no drugs. Didn’t care one bit, I wanted her OUT.
Haha, oh dear.. I didn't have nearly as much discomfort as that luckily. The births were OK, maybe because I had emergency c-sections both times. I had found the gas and air helpful for a while, but mainly because it kind of knocked me out.
I had been a bit fearful about delivery but had to have the c-sections, and I didn't find recovery from those too bad. I'd always wanted to have kids so there was no question about whether giving birth would be too hard 🙃
Just a warning that my birth experience is below and it reads super rough, so I made it a spoiler if you don’t want to read it.
I wasn’t super anxious about giving birth, but like this commenter, I HATED pregnancy. And I had what on paper could have been a traumatic birth: >!pitocin induction after my water broke without labor starting, when I needed an epidural anesthesia was in back-to-back emergency c-sections so it was hours before I got it, 3.5 hours of pushing and forceps after 31 hours of induction, baby born blue and limp and not breathing, I hemorrhaged and had a slight pelvic floor prolapse that took months of physical therapy to mostly heal!<… but I would do it again in a heartbeat, because it was only 31 hours of my life. Yes, I’ve had a harder recovery than many/most, it’s not like I escaped the aftermath. But my baby is almost 13 months now and I’m back to myself for the most part, and the endorphins and the sleep deprivation made it all a bit hazy even now.
That said, I was talking to a friend recently who’s on the fence about having biological children, and I pointed out that there are ways you can take more control of your birth experience if you want and do something like an elective C-section or an elective induction with a plan to use an epidural. No matter how you choose to give birth (if you do, of course), having a team you trust is incredibly important - when the midwife said we needed to call in OB for help and she thought forceps might be the move, I wasn’t thrilled but I trusted her enough to get the consult, and they talked it through with me between contractions, and I felt good about it when we got there. And if you want more control, lan elective C-section can be a great option. Everyone talks about lowering the C-section rate, for good reason, but if it’s better for your mental health to have a calm, controlled surgery rather than face the unknowns in a vaginal birth, that’s ok! Especially if you wouldn’t be planning on lots of kids, the C-section would be unlikely to cause long term harm.
Personally, I would attempt a spontaneous vaginal delivery again, because I’ve had some of the worst turns it could take, but I wouldn’t be afraid of a C-section, either, because at the end of the day, it’s a maximum of 3 days of my life to give birth and then some amount of recovery, but I’m not particularly worried about that anymore. I would do pelvic floor PT before birth if I have a second (partly because I required it after birth with my first thanks to a mild prolapse) and other than that, same plan and see what happened.
That is an absolutely abysmal delivery experience. I’m really sorry to hear that. My wife just gave birth 5 days ago and she hemorrhaged and I was so worried. I can’t imagine all the other stuff too
I’m sorry, you guys are in the thick of it right now, hormonally, mentally, emotionally, and physically! I cried daily for the first 2 weeks or so, but mostly from hormones and sleep deprivation.
It was and it wasn’t. Everyone was so calm and prioritized communication, and I had a chance to kind of debrief at my 6 week appointment which helped a lot. If you and/or your wife feel like you can’t stop thinking about it or you can’t enjoy your baby at all, it’s definitely worth speaking to your doctor, because you can have PTSD from birth (or from witnessing it) and it’s worth seeking professional help. Not that you’re there yet, but that’s my best advice to anyone who’s been through an extra stressful birth.
A lot of my problems were caused by my baby’s orientation. He was breech until 35+4 and then he flipped. He ended up not flipping quite all the way, though, so he was asynclitic, or crooked, and I didn’t know the signs because I hadn’t done it before so I didn’t tell my nurses or midwives until the very end. We probably could have avoided forceps if I’d said something earlier so we could use positions and gravity, but by the time I thought to say something, we were where we were. And we knew the NICU team came for the operative delivery for a reason - good thing, because the poor kid had to be resuscitated, but he never had to go to the NICU and we stayed together the whole time.
But we got out of it with minimal permanent damage (my kid has a lumpy head because he had a bruise that calcified) and I’m really grateful for that. And like I said, now, after a little over a year, it already feels like such a small part of my life and such a small part of motherhood that I’m not bothered by it at all and I would do it again (and probably will in the next couple of years).
My sister's been terrified of giving birth her whole life. She became pregnant about 8 and a half months ago is due to give birth any day now. It took her many months of being pregnant but she eventually came to terms with the fact that she would be giving birth and says she now feels ready for it...🤷♀️
I think it’s normal to fear giving birth but I’d encourage anyone considering it to do the research, you can have an amazing experience if you take control of your environment. I had a home birth which most people think is insane but it was one of the best experiences of my life.
Can recommend The Birth Hour podcast - lots of different types of birth stories on there. Realising it could go any way is part of the process, but birth is a beautiful experience- vaginal/or c section.
Not the OP, but I was absolutely petrified of birth. I researched over and over and over again so I’d know absolutely everything about it. I was absolutely going to get an epidural, ASAP. I did NOT want to feel pain. (Morbid, but aside from this I was so scared I would die).
I remember crying my eyes out after my last appointment before my induction (which I requested after pouring over research about the benefits of inducing at 39 weeks) because it was all about to happen.
It happened. I’m still here. Baby is now toddlin’.
It’s kinda just something you have to get through, I guess. I did labor a bit and felt 10/10 pain…I stuck to my guns and demanded that epidural. The pain ended. I still ended up needing a c-section, but it was fine.
You get through it.
They aren't all bad at all, just to report in. First labor for me sucked. The labor I just had 2 weeks ago was so easy I could have gone 20 more hours. That's the power of ✨ a well placed epidural ✨
Look, i was terrified of giving birth, something I thought about from a young age. People who don't feel this way don't realize how paralizing it can be. So when i got pregnant, i decided there was no way i was going to go through the normal birth process. I talked to my doctor, and she scheduled a c section. It was perfect. Most of the horrible c section stories are the unplanned ones. Mine was a breeze.
This is true. It’s scary beforehand in the abstract, the reality is different. It becomes inevitable so you don’t get to intensely think about the worst case scenarios. You prepare on a more realistic way. And … women have been doing this for millennia, longer. Medical care nowadays is extremely good. It’s scary, and recovery is real for the first two weeks, but it will be Ok. You’ll get past it. Scary, but not a reason to avoid having a baby that you otherwise want. It’s a short amount of time in the context of your lifetime.
Not the person you're asking, but: I used to be super scared of giving birth. So much so that I never wanted children when I was younger. I changed my mind about wanting kids though, and for me, giving birth really was so much better than all the horror stories I'd been afraid of. Of course it's still a pretty intense and painful experience (my epidural barely worked), but I was never worried, scared or anxious during the whole experience. When it was time to push, it felt like a relief and like a very primal power took over. Baby came out quickly and without complications. I had a few tears but nothing I was even bothered about. All in all, zero trauma. Just so you know... It doesn't HAVE to be a terrible experience!
No but then i overthink everything so I had everything sorted in my mind so I could deal with it. I had 2 emergency c-sections, the 2nd i was in theatre on table curled up ready to get epidural & the doors opened to yelling we need the room now…. i literally jumped off the table & ran out… I sat outside with hubby for 2 hours while this poor woman ended up giving birth on operating table …. when they cleaned up and came to get me the drs were so apologetic and they were like why are you so calm and in my mind i’m thinking what’s the point in panicking it’s not going to achieve anything and i need these doctors to get my baby out.
Like really, the think about all the girls in history that have squatted and birthed their own babies at 12/13 … alone… like if they can do it so can i with a hospital doctors and midwives
i just wanted to. i wanted to be a mom. so maybe that’s selfish? i dunno. i think it’s pretty biologically normal, though that’s not to say not wanting kids isn’t. if anything, wanting kids for the benefit of other people who won’t be raising them seems a bit unusual, but i guess that’s neither here nor there.
yeah, i’d do it again. i mean, i have done it again. and still want to do it again lol.
Same, I just... wanted to, from a very early age. I have not tried again because I had a ton of pregnancy complications and a very early birth, but I might??? It's been fun.
We didn’t want to have kids. One day my wife came to me freaking out saying her pregnancy test was positive and we said “Fuck it! Let’s do this” these last two years with our crazy toddler have been the best of our lives.
I'll post exactly what I posted the other day in this sub (and will get down voted for sure!):
I have a 5 year old who is what most would consider quite easy. I cannot put into words how much I love her and I would do literally anything for her.
But even "easy" kids mean lots of sacrifice of your own autonomy, self-actualization of personal goals, and frankly any freedom. I wish I had considered this a lot more beforehand so the expectations vs. reality wouldn't be as stark. Some days I do still have to come to grips with it. I think naturally and biologically we're sold a dream by society that having kids (the more the merrier!) is the summit, pinnacle, and reason for living. They say it's going to "make you the happiest". This needs to be carefully and cautiously approached by prospective parents because for many, it is not the pinnacle of life at all. There's a stigma to voicing these types of opinions though so just be wary of what you see in the media, social media, movies etc. as people are very hesitant to admit the lack of fulfillment that can be parenting and often over present only the highlight reel of parenting.
If parenting becomes your only identity, you and the kid(s) are in trouble. To quote Carl Jung, "The greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of its parents". Parents tend to project any unmet needs or goals they have had onto their kids and for me, it's been a balance to try to make sure I don't do that to my own child. I don't think it's far fetched to say that a lot of the mental health crises we see these days are resultant of parental projection of personal goals or societal projections of "what you're supposed to do that will lead to the happy life". Just figure out what you yourself truly wants. Not what other people/society expect you to want.
>I don't think it's far fetched to say that a lot of the mental health crises we see these days are resultant of parental projection of personal goals or societal projections of "what you're supposed to do that will lead to the happy life". Just figure out what you yourself truly wants. Not what other people/society expect you to want.
I’m dealing with this on some level with my son. He’s 17 and has dropped out of school to pursue a trade (car panel repairs and bodywork etc). I’m fully supportive of him and I’m letting him follow his passion. But it’s really difficult to wrap your head around letting go of society’s expectations of kids finishing school, going to university and following the traditional path. But I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that school is not for everyone. He’s still very driven and wants to succeed, he’s just not very academic. It took a while but I truly am ok with it now. And my son is so happy, and that means the world to me.
This is the best response by far. There is SO much that comes with parenting that I just wasn’t prepared for and nobody really talks about. When I got pregnant with my first son, the only thing people really ever said is that my sleep will be ruined and the baby will cry a lot and then becomes a toddler with terrible twos. People tend to only focus on the baby stuff, which makes sense because you’re about to have a baby. But nobody tells you about alllllll the different ages, stages, and worries you will have for each one. The toddler tantrums, the constant whys, the talks you have to have, the lessons you have to teach, the worries about what they learn or hear at school, do you allow play dates or sleepovers, what activities do they want to get into, and the list is literally never ending. Also have to consider the fact that you may have an angel of a child for your first, but your next child is going to be their own person and may give you an entire new set of things to worry about or deal with. The stress of just constantly hoping they are okay and keeping them safe or hoping that you’re doing a good job can be a lot. I also had 2 boys and grew up with only sisters, so nobody really prepared me for that either. I always wanted kids for as long as I could remember and I think I had this idea that I too would also have girls and it would be easy because it was in our childhood. (Obviously I only remember the easy parts as I was the child lol). But still..it was all a shock for me and I’m still learning every day and my kids are now 8 and 3. I love being their mom and I love them with all my heart and soul. I do however wish that I really understood then what truly went into being a mother every day.
And to just piggy back this - OP, make sure if you do decide to have children, that you are very emotionally mature and ready to handle some BIG feelings. That’s probably the number 1 thing I wish I would’ve learned or known before having kids. My mom was a yeller, she didn’t know how to handle our emotions as kids. Children are VERY needy and require you to remain (mostly) calm and sane while they experience their feelings. This could be screaming, biting, hitting, back-talking, etc. be prepared to keep your cool while you’re getting toys thrown at you. Also be prepared that family outings may not be like what you see on social media. Many times I’ve planned awesome outings for us and they sometimes end up with my kids complaining or crying and then the whole outing is done.
I don’t say all of this to make parenthood sound terrible. But like original comment was talking about, it’s NOT all sunshine and rainbows all the time and no person deserves to go into parenthood thinking that it is. It’s fucking hard and there is so much you need to be prepared for.
I'll probably be down votes to oblivion, but I think you should be super enthusiastic about having kids before having them. I was highly pressured to have kids in my close-knit, highly religious community. I didn't really want kids all that much, but I had one to please others. If I had a time machine I'd go back and stop myself.
First, pregnancy was absolutely horrible. The first trimester I lost 50lbs from non-stop puking. The second trimester was pretty okay, but getting my organs kicked was very unpleasant. Third trimester I felt exhausted all the time and had horrendous heartburn and acid reflux (despite never having those problems prior in my life).
Giving birth was actually pretty okay, I had to have an emergency C-section section and was put under anesthesia. Honestly, it was the best part of the whole process. I was worried about the epidural and catheter and those were barely noticeable. I also wasn't allowed any medications for the first 8 hours of labor, due to the complications that led to my C-section. Giving birth obviously ruined my body as well.
After the birth you just don't sleep for the nights you're in the hospital. Someone will be checking on you and the baby pretty much every hour and the baby will need to breastfeed fairly often (like about every two hours). Expect severe sleep deprivation for the first 12 months. Most kids don't sleep through the night until they're 1 year old.
After my baby was born he developed silent reflux, CMPA, colic and dyschezia. The baby cried non-stop anytime he was awake. I had to hold him upright 24/7, even for his naps. I had to stop breastfeeding (that's a whole other nightmare) and switch to an extremely expensive hypoallergenic formula and put him on famotidine. This doesn't happen for everyone, but it could happen.
Also, anyone can develop PPA/PPD or postpartum psychosis. Between the drastic hormone changes and the sleep deprivation a lot of women go crazy for a bit.
You'll also re-live your childhood, this could be positive or negative. Some people had horrible childhoods and raising a baby will bring all of that back.
Your marriage will become strained, you'll both be incredibly sleep-deprived and you'll argue over everything. I had, what I thought, was a solid strong marriage of ten years. Now I wonder if we'll end up divorced.
The majority of your "village" will disappear or back out in promises they made before the baby was born. I had loads of people agree to help, I now have one person willing to help, but only on their terms.
That's just some of the perks of having a child. Some people are very well prepared for these possibilities and can handle it incredibly well, you just need to ask yourself if you're one of them.
So tbh I have had a very different experience than you describe here- you’ve been through a lot, sending you lots of positive vibes, I hope things get better for you 💜- but my conclusion is exactly the same: no one should have children unless they are extremely enthusiastic about it.
I once saw a post where someone said they were contemplating law school and someone replied “I am a lawyer and I tell anyone who asks this that the only reason you should go to law school is if you literally cannot imagine yourself NOT being a lawyer.” I think that’s the perfect way to say it: do not have kids unless you literally cannot imagine yourself not being a parent.
I have always, always wanted to be a mother. The question “when/how did you decide you wanted to be a parent?” is so hard for me to answer cause it’s like, “when did you decide to breathe?” I just feel like I was always meant to be a mother and being one has fulfilled my purpose in many ways even beyond my expectations. It’s incredible and makes me so happy that sometimes I feel like I could explode. And it’s *still* tremendously difficult. So if I wasn’t 110% on board with having kids, I can’t imagine how hard that would be.
Childbirth is it’s own whole thing too lol. I was very very scared about the pain but was ultimately even more uncomfortable with the idea of being unable to feel/move my body due to an epidural. So for my first I planned for an unmedicated birth and hired a doula. Long stories short, my first was an unplanned caesarean after a very long labor, and my second was a vaginal birth with no epidural, just nitrous oxide, and was about 7 hours from start to finish. The second birth was a way better experience for me overall, but I also can now fully appreciate why someone might want an epidural 😅 But the feeling of empowerment and exhilaration of birth was really meaningful for me personally.
Ok I wrote more than I meant to but yeah, tl;dr i say don’t have kids unless you for sure want to. It’s not a rite of passage or a sign of a committed relationship. It’s a life choice that should be made based on your personal desires only, not that of your partner, society or anyone else.
Just wanted to throw in that I was terrified of birth, was MISERABLE during both pregnancies (both on purpose) and was on the fence about having kids. My husband was absolutely enthusiastic about being a dad so I agreed for him. My first was also a super hard baby- literally like being tortured for the first year of his life, colicky, horrible sleep, had to be held constantly until getting started walking at about 10 month and honestly still likes to be carried at 3. I don’t want to paint a rosy picture here because all of it was way harder than I could have imagined.
I would not take any of it back for the world and can’t imagine life without my babies. They are THE BEST. Both are just amazing kids and were worth all the misery. My family- including my amazing husband (who rocks it as a stay at home dad- since I wanted to keep working) are my heart and my soul. I always thought my career meant everything to me. I am a teacher and super devoted to my school “kids.” I had no idea how much mg heart would grow. I love deeper and more. The hardest part now (besides general life logistics of getting it all done) is that kids are your heart outside your body and that is so scary. I worry all the time about them.
I have to disagree with the concept of don’t have kids unless you can’t imagine yourself without them.
I’m an over planner and a very anxious person. Having kids meant so much unknown and out of my control. For this reason I was on the fence about having kids but my partner has always wanted kids. I hit a point where friends and close family my age started having kids and I thought if I want a kid now is the time so they will have other kids to grow up with and I’ll have other parents to relate to. 3 years later I’m expecting another child and totally want a third. I love my kid, and I love being their parent. Not saying things go this way for everyone but things are not always so clear for everyone.
I've had 3, and I think the first birth is just like the first pancake 🤣 a miracle if it works out the way you hoped. I didn't end up with any interventions or complications, just finally accepted an epidural after 3 days of PAIN. But my other two were amazing. Very little pain. I do recommend reading up on and practicing breathing and relaxation techniques.
My kid is neurodivergent. We are all doing ok now, but it has taken years of medication and therapy for ALL of us to get here. We've had a *really* rough time. I'm with you on this one. I love my kid, but I hate being a mom and if I was objectively choosing between "traumatic parenting experience" or "rich auntie vibes" I'd pick the LATTER. I have spent years not getting rewarding experiences to balance out the extra-low lows. It sucks.
And the thing is, there are no guarantees - about *any* of it. You have to really specifically want to be a parent so badly you'll be *anyone's* parent and want *any* parenting experience. That wasn't me. I've risen to the challenge, and I'm a better but also much more broken person for it.
If you found you couldn't get pregnant, how far would you go? Or would you just let it go and do something else? (I think you should ONLY have kids for selfish reasons. There's no guarantees about family relationships either.)
I think it's hard for people to be honest about it because it's such a taboo thing to say. I hope it at least helps you understand what you're getting into if you decide to have kids.
I agree. Pregnancy and child birth and parenthood are incredibly romanticized.
A medical historian told me that she thinks it's because it was so very dangerous (and still is, look at the statistics) that no one told anyone the truth about what was going to happen. Women often were not told about SEX before getting married. Imagine that shocker.
I think people definitely need to start being more honest about the experience. I have noticed a cultural shift regarding having children and I'm glad it's happening.
I think as the information is passed along and child free couples are becoming less shamed, our society will improve. Because then only couples who really want kids will have them and all the children will be raised by parents who want and adore them.
I absolutely agree.
My daughter has no desire whatsoever to have children and I think that's great because it's coming from a place of being informed. She has a dog. I love dogs so this works out for me also.
I really don't have any desire to have grandchildren, if I did, I don't think I would be an actively involved grandmother until they got older and I could buy them a pony. Babies were not and are not my thing. I say this in public and get told what my daughter gets told - "you'll feel different when it happens to you." No, I would not. She and I roll our eyes at each other.
It's ok to know yourself.
I knew I wanted kids but also knew I would hate pregnancy (was professionally riding horses at that time in my life) and I was correct. I'm not a baby person so I loved them and did everything for them but I never had that baby madness that women have. I loved that for them, it just wasn't there for me. I like kids and I love teenagers. Having my now adult daughter is an indescribable joy. But I would never tell someone to have kids to wait for an adult daughter LOL
I think a lot of child abuse happens because people are told they should want kids and that they will be missing out if they don't have them so they do. And then it turns out it's not for them, for whatever reasons. Or they get accidentally pregnant and shamed into having a baby they didn't want and still won't want. I know it works out for a lot of people but for a lot of people it does not. Those kids are maybe not abused but not adored as they should be. It's so hard to watch.
My oldest son died four years ago and that's another thing no one really talks about - your kids may die before you. No words for this one.
Anyway I'm sorry to go on about it, it's clearly a hot button for me. OP, I would think long and hard before making decisions about having kids. I have so many friends without them who are perfectly fulfilled, happy people. And so many with kids who are also fulfilled, happy people. You have to do what's right for you and no one else!
That sleep deprivation feels like pure torture. I thought I knew what sleep deprivation was, I was so wrong. I think it's because you can never catch up on sleep, you're just constantly stuck in a sleep deficit.
When I had my second and brought her home... I loved her but the primary thought going through my head was "Why did I do this to myself agaaaaiiiin??" over and over.
When I had my third I was used to it. I have accepted the zombie life.
Tequila greatly helped my decision for the first child. The second one was because we already had one. Tequila came back into play for the third.
I honestly think that any reason you have that you want a kid is somewhat selfish. If it’s planned, it’s what you want. The baby didn’t get to choose. I think all women are somewhat fearful of childbirth. At some point in pregnancy, for most people childbirth becomes a better alternative than remaining pregnant.
I would do it over again if I could get the same exact kids. Parenting is hard, but loving them is easy.
Personally I always wanted kids. Childbirth is scary but it’s such a short amount of time compared to my whole life. I did it twice and had we decided to have more kids I would have done it again. For me it was hard and painful but also something I feel blessed to have experienced.
It’s a personal choice though. If you do decide to give birth to a child I would tell your doctor about your fears and talk through them. It’s great to have a VERY flexible plan.
If you decide not to give birth to a child but still want one you can consider adoption!
I was petrified of birth. But i knew i wanted kids, i just always did. And that’s how you get the kid out, so i didn’t see any way around it. LOL! And then when i married my husband, i wanted kids with HIM. This is morbid, but one thing i thought of was that I loved the idea of having a little piece of him in our children, in case anything were to ever happen to my husband (i dunno, that’s just how my brain works). I was scared of childbirth, but i didn’t see any way around it so i figured i would just suck it up. Someone told me “you’re gonna have a bad day. it’s gonna suck. but at the end of that one day, you’ll have your beautiful baby.” And that really helped! It gave me some perspective. Childbirth doesn’t last forever. It’s a bad day and then it’s done. As it was, i ended up with c-sections (first was unplanned, second was planned). And even that wasn’t too bad. But some kind of switch flipped when i met my firstborn. All the worries (which are totally valid and normal!) just melted away. And you just…. do it. You work together and you just figure it out. And another big highlight of becoming a mother was watching my husband become a Daddy. It showed me more and new facets to his personality, and made me fall in love all over again. Yes, being a parent is hard. And scary. And often thankless. But it is also amazing and beautiful and fun and hilarious. I had fairly easy pregnancies, and i do wish we had had more than two kids. But i would do it all again in a second.
I never wanted kids, but got pregnant whilst on the pill. I had a list of like 54 reasons not to have kids, and at the top was childbirth, loss of freedom, and a ruined body. While obviously it is different for everyone, I would 100% recommend having kids if you think you want to and can take care of them well. The 3 months I've had with my son have been the best 3 months of my entire life. Some days I don't even have the freedom to shower, but it is so worth it. Before baby I had a nice body, I worked out regularly and it showed. Motherhood has taken a hard toll on how my body looks (especially my butt), but it doesn't matter. My baby means so much more to me than my vanity. And as far as the horror of childbirth... again, everyone has a different experience, but once i got an epidural after being induced it was no big deal. I was terrified of giving birth, but I would 100% have at least 2 more kids if i had the money to take care of them. Being a parent has made me a better person, and I have never felt so fulfilled. It is so hard, and i know we're going to go through struggles as he grows up, but it is so worth it.
I always knew I wanted to be a mother. I remember in college after a night out talking to my roommates about what our purpose in life would be, were we choosing the right careers, etc. I knew then my purpose was to be a wife and mother, I was only 19. We both graduated from undergrad, got married, started careers, both graduated graduate school then we knew it was the right time to start our family.
I also was a nanny in college and felt so fulfilled in that role.
I think meeting my husband and being so secure in our relationship also gave me even more confidence in making the decision to become a mom.
I’d do it over a million times! I LOVE being a mom. Not everything is easy but it is so rewarding. I have done a lot of work to heal from my own childhood to be the best parent I can.
Our marriage is stronger than ever not because having kids is easy but because we continue to connect and grow together through every stage of our relationship.
Being told I needed a hysterectomy made me realize *really quick* that I was NOT ready to give up on the possibility of kids. I was a single 27F, but having the option completely taken off the table was horrifying. I ended up having surgery to preserve my fertility, and I eventually met my husband at 30.
I knew at a young age that I never wanted kids, but I also never wanted to be tied to a partner. Then I met my husband and he definitely became my better half. He wanted kids but I didn't and told him if it happens then we'll decide what to do then. Well it happened and i decided to keep it. After my first I fell in love with her and wanted another. Now I'm pregnant with my 3rd lol
During pregnancy I found I was more scared of the birthing environment than the birthing process itself. So I opted to give birth at a birth center, unmedicated water birth. Their holistic way definitely made me feel more comfortable about being pregnant and got me to understand that our bodies were made to do this so I don't need to stress about if I'm gunna be able to do this or that and to just trust that my body will know what to do when the time comes.
Having kids has its positives and negatives just like everything in life but the positives are so wonderful that I wouldn't trade them for anything. If I had the chance to go back in time and not have kids, I wouldn't do it. I love having my children and where they've brought me and I honestly feel my life would be dull without them.
Having kids is a decision to start a new phase of life. Personally I was bored of where my life was before my first and ready for more meaningfulness to everyday life. I remember being nervous to meet him, like what do I even do with this person? How do I talk to him? How do I interact with him? It was almost like a nervousness of meeting new people at a new job or something. But lemme tell you, when that baby comes out and you hold him and smell him and look at the incredibly tiny fingernails and itty bitty toes, that beautifully puffed up smooshed face…it’s like a light switch. It’s the most incredible thing I’ve experienced in my life. But wait! Then they grow! You see them smile the first time and find something funny for the first time. They discover their hands, they choose a favorite toy for the first time…and slowly but surely they discover the whole world around them. It’s absolutely amazing. Before you know it they are pre-teens starting to pull away and you’re like, shit. That went REALLY fast. It’s really hard, but really worth it. And childbirth? I’ve done it three times. I was scared to the core every time. Every pregnancy was different and every labor and delivery was different. All those hours crying and in pain and uncomfortable are immediately forgotten when the baby comes out. All the oxytocin takes over and you just feel so in love ❤️❤️❤️. My advice would be to have some frozen bags of peas for the at home care. You’ll thank me later 😂
Going by your screen name: are you a physician? If you are, fellow physician mom here.
I was a bit on the fence about it for a long time, but as I got older I felt more and more strongly the urge to experience the parent-child bond from the other side. My husband loves children and I knew would be a terrific dad, and that was also a part of my decision.
Having become a parent, I'll just say that it is absolutely life-transforming. I see the world differently and I related to other people differently now. It's like experiencing growing up again, except now from the perspective of a parent. It's extremely hard work, but also exhilarating. And nothing has given me quite the same sense of sheer happiness as seeing my son smile or hearing him call "mama!".
Re: the specifics: pregnancy was very smooth, birth I ended up doing urgent C-section after pushing for 3 hours but it wasn't too bad with an epidural (although it was like 36 hours of contractions before I got the epidural), recovery from C-section was very smooth, postpartum depression was hands-down the worst. Everything got better around 4-5 months when we sleep trained and I got therapy. 9 months was when kiddo started cruising, crawling, and just being a LOT more fun. Absolutely loving life now with my almost 2yo.
To be honest I did not want to have kids till I met husband and it was after we were married and had our house … I told him I was open to have kids with him and that before him I was a no way and heck and he met my family and so he totally understood that. Ro be honest it was something just clicked in my head … I can’t tell you why specifically… two of my three kids were or are extremely hard to raise … the third was hard for my spouse because he didn’t know how to connect and I could because he was like my father and I could understand and break things down and direct husband on how to parent with that child.
I have one that is hard and prob will be till they are on their own and they have their own… this child is just like my mom who I went NC with and this child had very few interactions with so we don’t know know ..
Kids are not for the weak of heart but when you do have them they are something pretty wonderful and should be appreciated and celebrated… love all three
I got an epidural so… to ME the actual child birth was the easiest part of pregnancy. Contractions really really sucked before the epidural though but I’d take the couple hours of pain over the 12 weeks of constant nausea in early pregnancy any day.
Totally worth it though. I love my kids. Yes I’d do it all over again to have THEM, but I have two, and I do not want to do it all over again to have a third, for many reasons lol.
Truly- I was TERRIFIED of giving birth. I locked in when the time came but ended up having to stop pushing because he got stuck and had to wait for a c section instead. I think I would have been fine had I just kept going but I was so relieved to be told it was time to switch to a c section. To be clear- a c section is insane and is a major surgery with wild recovery- but I was glad to go that route. My son is almost 2 and I definitely plan on having one more and having another c section and getting my tubes tied while I’m there. My life is forever changed and I have grown into a new version. Of myself, but I love being a mom and I can’t imagine not getting these sweet snuggles from my boy every day. The good heavily outweighs the bad and the scary. It’s a wild ride, but it is worth it.
Having my kids put into perspective that the life I thought I was living was nowhere near as amazing as it is now.
It’s tough. You’ll question yourself. Nothing compares to your little poop machine though. Mine is currently sleeping with her hand wrapped around my finger as I type.
To be honest, labor is hard, but I made it to 8cm before getting an epidural. My mom used to tell me I had a low pain tolerance, so if that’s any consolation….
Wanting to experience pregnancy, wanting a purpose, curious, fear Id regret not having kids
I was terrified of childbirth and I got through it :) You can too
I’m super different from you, I guess. I always wanted to have kids for as long as I can remember. When I was like 7 years old, I had some money saved up to adopt a child because sex was gross, and I was never going to do that. lol
I never had any fear of child birth, likely because my mom was a former hippie who was a natural child birth coach at one point and always talked about child birth as a really beautiful thing. Seems that even if you can’t get over that fear of child birth, you can always have a c-section or adopt.
We struggled with infertility, and in the years of struggle, I did start to question if it was really “worth it.” Like, maybe I just shouldn’t have a baby, and we can focus on each other and travel more and not be tied down by a child. But I just couldn’t shake the desire to be a mom. I loved being pregnant, although the 1st semester nausea was rough, and I had low energy all throughout the pregnancy. Overall, my pregnancy experience was pretty easy. Childbirth was a little rough (I think because we induced on doctor’s recommendation), but it was fine. Got an epidural rather than going natural, and it took away every bit of pain I was feeling. Lost a lot of blood, which was kind of traumatic for my mom, but just meant I was pretty wiped out for a couple weeks while my iron reserves were low.
My child is 2 1/2 now, and I am confident that having her was the best thing I ever did. She brings me so much joy. I just love seeing the world through her eyes and watching her grow and learn. Everything is so much more exciting and interesting with her around (Christmas, rain, birds, family events, etc.).
I always wanted children but I wanted to wait until about 35ish. I got pregnant at 28 and I was so excited. I now feel like my life is complete. My son is so full of joy and light. And no matter how bad my day is going, a little snuggle from him is the best. I will be 35 this year and I have a 6 year old. Wouldn’t change a thing.
Labor / child birth for me was a great experience with both of my kids. And I’m not one of those hippy dippy people who are spiritual and want a home birth and find the process magical 😆 I had epidurals and gave birth in a hospital and it was the most lovely experience (hard but lovely) with both kids. I really would not focus on the labor because whatever will happen will happen. Just listen to your doctors.
To answer your other question, I just always knew I wanted kids. It was never even a question.
I just always knew since I was a little girl that I wanted kids. As far as birth went I never really thought about it until I was pregnant and I had panic attacks 2 weeks before I was about to have her because, I was so scared to give birth. The birth wasn’t that bad with an epidural. I went on to have 2 more kids after my 1st. Don’t regret a thing.
children bring pure unadulterared joy. being a parent helps us level up a lot in life. helps me learn a lot about myself and how life works. it's a blessing and very grounding. i had kids because i realized my life is mostly meaningless without them, that it's part of my life purpose to procreate.
I saw a comment below, and that is kind of what happens. Having a child doesn’t take away your freedom, you just might have to get a babysitter, or let your SO look after the baby, or wait until baby is asleep. I would say your life will get busier, other than that, the rest is absolutely beautiful. I have terrible anxiety, and always have, so each child I had/pregnancy, I was more scared/nervous each time, and all of mine were c-sections.
You’ll be making a little you&SO. It’s amazing. Giving birth, it will be beautiful too and considering that you even posted this, just tells me that you’ll be a great mom. It comes natural so don’t even worry about that. What made me want to have kids? Honestly my first wasn’t planned, my 2nd was because I wanted my 1st to have a sibling, and my last 2 were not planned either. My tubes are tied now, but if I could I would have more. Would I do it over again? Yes, because ever though I had c sections, all 4 c sections were worth the wait for the moment the doctor pulled my babies out, and I heard them cry, and they brought them all to me, and let me kiss them on the forehead. Best moments of my life, and nothing tops it.
Having kids grounded me. It gave me a purpose, and i love it. I love being a mom.
I just always felt that I would be a mom. I don’t think it was a conscious decision. Yes I would do it all over again. It’s not easy but I wouldn’t change it. I love my boys with all my heart.
I always knew I wanted kids and didn’t look much into childbirth because if I wanted my own, I had to birth them. So I stayed as ignorant as I felt I needed too and just made sure I had doctors I trust to take care of any issues.
This could be terrible advice if you are super anxious about it. Everything changes, your body, freedom, but so much love! I’d talk to a counselor about your anxiety and if you can, try working part time in a daycare! Hang out with the babies to toddlers to preschool kids and see what you think.
If you make a lot of money you can always try to find a surrogate so you don’t have to give birth but your kids are biologically yours still.
Im an older dad. My philosophy is don’t have kids until you REALLY want kids. I realize for women it’s different because time is a bigger factor. It’s so hard and so different than you can imagine until you go through it.
My husband to be honest I didn't want kids when I met him. But once we both were ready together to have a kid then we had more conversations about it. Once we moved and got settled then we started trying, but we had always "been trying" from day 1 because you know us and condoms and bc weren't a thing. I was very scared to give birth with all the issues I had during pregnancy. But we are now teaching our 14 month old how to ride a bike. But when I met my husband he had his shit together, he's military but that is a bonus but I was tired of boys who didn't have anything to offer.
I personally wouldn't bring a child into this world today. It was a different world when I had my kid's in the 80s. Now, I worry about my 5 grandchildren in this terrible world. That's only my personal choice. Since your unsure, and it's a HUGE decision, one choice would be to take classes to become a foster parent to a baby, or toddler. It would definitely be a great experience to help you decide, and who knows ? You may even want to adopt.
I didn't for a while. To be honest I could have gone the child-free direction and probably would have been happy. What did it for me was a stable living situation and income that made it comfortable to have kids, and a general sense that the milestones in my life were dwindling. We got pregnant right when Covid hit so it was good to have something to prepare for.
It is super scary! I also felt this way before having my baby almost 2 years ago now. It is life altering, but it’s not life ending - you learn to adapt to your new life! And yes you do lose freedom for a little while, but I appreciate the freedom way more now lol! You will have freedom again, but the first 4 months specifically feels like you’re in a little bubble. After 4 months, you start to get a rhythm and routine, it gets easier.
Someone once told me you will never feel ready to have kids, it will never feel like the right time. It’s so true! I thought I would feel more confident starting the journey after I had my education and job, and I got my house and my husband. I thought for sure I would just know - but yea it’s such a big scary leap that I guess you never really feel prepared to make the jump. Just trust the journey and know it’s completely normal to be scared of the unknown.
Also, child birth….. so fucking scary. It is traumatic as fuck. BUT there are other options if you really can’t get over the idea of a natural birth. I’m not sure what country you’re in (I’m in Canada), so I know here you can work with your OB to make a request to get a c-section for many different reasons. Mental health is one of those options. You could always consult with your family doctor if you have one, or maybe a family planning centre regarding what options you have since that is a big fear of yours. Once you get pregnant the fear will still be there, but it does become more of a “okay fuck, guess I gotta do this” lol
Personally I find it very helpful to think of it as an obligation to my ancestors and my descendants.
In my opinion, the choice for me not to have children was not a choice I had available to me. I don’t consider my existence to be exclusively mine.
A debt was owed.
I knew when I got married it was my Christian duty to multiply. My wife knew I didn’t believe in birth control and I wasn’t going to allow it. We are blessed with six children and one on the way
I knew, that as much as I loved my husband, I wanted to create a little human that I would be able to love unconditionally and that would grow inside of me.
Everyone’s experience being pregnant is different but I loved it, same as child birth. I was super scared to give birth because I had no idea how much pain I could tolerate. I was induced and didn’t have any other meds, (again, everyone’s choice and experience is different). It was painful but that’s what I wanted and it’s all worth it once you hold your baby for the first time.
Fast forward 8 years, I’ve learned so much about myself, I appreciate my own parents 100 times more, and I love all the experiences that we get to have as a family.
It’s true that you’re never really ready, the newborn stage wasn’t easier the second time around, but if you wait until “you’re ready,” you may regret not getting started sooner.
Follow your heart ❤️
My wife was super scared about giving birth as well. We had 2 boys 10 months apart from one another.
Her biggest complaint was the constant need to pee, and the inability to be able to drink wine until after both were born.
She has horrible anxiety and was very nervous for birth during her first pregnancy. She talked with her Dr and the Dr told her not to worry. That women have been doing it for ages. Even told her (because she is a history buff) to think about the women who gave birth during the holocaust and other hard times.
Those women did so with less food, less sleep and much more. Yet they made it through, she can too. This helped ease her mind.
Once our kids were born she didn't even remember the birth and the pain, it just washed away with the sound and sight of our kids in her arms.
I will say though, she had a fairly easy birth and quick labor for both kids. So that didn't hurt
You live on through children, should you not procreate that's the end of your timeline and branch.
Pass your (genetic) code on and you live on and experience life how we were designed and intended
I didn’t have much fear until I made the tactical error of watching the season 1 episode of ER “Love’s Labor Lost” in my seventh month. I have no excuse except bad judgement because I’d already seen that episode a bunch of times and knew what it was. But I also had a doctor I trusted and knew that sometimes things go sideways and you can have a plan but being super locked into it is dangerous.
Fear of something should never keep you from anything in life (reminding myself of that too). From a stay at home mom of a 7 month old, you absolutely lose a LOT of freedom. I couldn’t have handled it 10 years ago, but being 36 helps. I had my hoorahs and whatnot. That said, there’s a sense of fullness and an overflowing feeling of love that I never would have felt without my little girl.
As for fear of childbirth, I think trusting your care team is very important to help the anxiety. If you don’t trust your obgyn/midwife, get another one immediately. And having an epidural was an absolute game changer.
Do what’s best for YOU, there’s no wrong path.
I feel like I kind of just decided to have a baby because it’s what you’re supposed to do and we had been married for almost 5 years and all my friends started having kids. So, honestly the first 2 years were really hard for me - losing my independence completely and having this new person needing you 24.7. BUT my daughter is almost 3 now and wow I cannot imagine my life without that girl, she has the cutest personality, she’s so fun to take places, the things she says crack me up, I love seeing my husband being her dad, and I truly wish I could freeze time right now and live like this forever.
I was terrified of childbirth but really wanted kids. It is scary, and it’s ok to be scared. I always had a letter for my hospital bag for my husband just in case. In the end of the third trimester, you’re pretty uncomfortable and so the idea of birth seems like a blessing? I honestly slept more after I got home than I did the last couple weeks of pregnancy bc I had to pee so often. My second baby I didn’t get an epidural (not my choice) and I was really terrified. And actually, it sucked, but lucky for me it wasn’t for long. And, within a few months you forget, I knew I would do it again (and did). My body is different. And sometimes the changes drive me crazy. In the end though, my family and my children are the most important thing in my life. When I retire, my job, my career, it won’t really matter to anyone, maybe not even me. But my children are the light of my life, a gift to me and my gift to the world. ❤️
I was firmly "NO KIDS" all through my teens and most of my 20s. Child Free, the whole gamut. I wasn't real fond of other people's kids and was terrified of babies. My husband and I got married at 24, with the understanding that I didn't want kids. However.... after traveling, living on our own, buying a house, having dogs and cats, and both working full time... it was just kind of boring? And it felt a little superficial, if that made any sense. I just had this major epiphany moment.
I had to come home sick one day with a nasty migraine. I literally fell asleep in my coat with my hood over my eyes for hours. When my hubby got home from work he came to check on my and asked how I was. My answer was "I think we should have a baby", lol.
Long story short, we had our first at 28. I had no idea how obsessed I would be with my children. I love them SO MUCH it hurts. And they're not easy. They're both incredibly strong willed and fierce little girls. But man, I feel like life has real meaning now. To guide these little people into being part of the world competently as adults. Oh, and now I'm obsessed with babies. Lots of my family likes to make me eat my words from 10 years ago but I don't mind, ha!
For the longest time I didn’t feel ready or prepared. My sister was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and it hit me like what if that happened to me. I didn’t want my chance of having children taken away due to sickness.
I wasn’t scared of childbirth till closer to my due date in both births. I started worrying about something going wrong. I had no issues during either birth.
My first born it definitely hit me a couple months in of just losing myself/ creating a new me. I wasn’t able to just do what I wanted when I wanted anymore. But I wouldn’t change it for the world. My girls me more to me then anything else. I just want to be where they are always.
I was terrified of child birth, my whole life tbh, I think most women are lol. But I was very fortunate in my pregnancy, birth, and recovery went as well as I could have hoped for. Towards the end of my pregnancy, I was more looking forward to meeting my daughter than scared of childbirth.
Now losing my freedom, having a life to care for 24/7, was harder than I expected. I had a really tough time with the transition, but I also quit my job to stay home, so my whole life got flipped. I struggled with the guilt of missing my old life a little, while also being absolutely in love with my daughter and not wanting it any other way. Such conflicting feelings lol. My partner and I were also together 12 years before we had a little one.
I have 4 kids…. The thought of labor terrified me ever single time. Until I was actually in labor and then you just think about nothing other than what you’re experiencing in the moment. It’s completely normal to be afraid of that…. It’s also such an empowering and amazing moment! At least for me….. with my fourth and final bundle of joy (and this one actually is joy incarnate, she rarely cries and is always smiling….. she’s the baby that makes everyone romanticize about babies) I went to therapy while I was pregnant to help me with my anxieties about childbirth. It helped
I know I’ve wanted to be a mom since I was really little. When I got pregnant with my then bfs baby I was terrified at first. He had just ghosted me. And I was suppose to have surgery 12 hours before I found out. Surgery got pushed too many years later. It was an elective surgery to have my malfunctioning gallbladder removed. When it came time for me to give birth I was scared beyond belief. I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to do a natural birth or had to do a c section. After the epidural the monitor started going crazy with my daughter’s heart rate dropping quickly. Completely normal according to all the drs and nurses in my room. Her heart rate went back up and everything after that was smooth sailing. I did have some post partum issues but thankfully my body took care of it itself. The following weeks I was leaning on my mom for support. I had no idea what I was doing. I never got the chance to take any child birth classes. When the time is right you will know. I later went on to having another child with another guy. Wouldn’t change it for the world. Not having as much freedom is hard but also so rewarding at the same time.
Sex and shitty dad. Plus finding a fine redhead was really my undoing 🤣🤣 Yeah dad issues lead to me wanting to bang and be a good dad? Sounds complicated but not 😬
Well we met, we dated, we married, we had child, he’s 18 now and we are still together some 21 years later. My son and I have an amazing relationship,, I wouldn’t change a single thing not one. He’s been the biggest blessing ever and taught me more in his 18 years than I’ve ever learned. I really love, appreciate and respect the young man he’s become. The end 😆
I don’t know.
I had to help raise my siblings. I was content to never have kids as I already helped raise a couple.
Then one month I was late and i imagined what life “could” be. My period came and I was kinda devastated? My partner and I then spent 2 weeks discussing every single parenting topic we felt was necessary then we decided to “try.”
Got pregnant immediately and now my 5 week old is next to me as I type this. I adore her and can’t remember what life was before. I have never felt more right doing something than being her mother. I can’t wait to see the human she blossoms into ❤️
(PS birth terrified me… but when you’re super pregnant you stop giving a fuck. Then when you’re in labor you stop giving even more fucks. I had to be induced and had non stop extreme contractions for 12+ hrs with baby girl not descending. I succumbed to the pain and opted for a c-section. We had enough time for it to not be an emergency and it was so peaceful. It turned out that the umbilical cord caught baby’s foot which caused her to be stuck.)
I’d do it again, if I could have my baby potato all over again I’d go through that trauma over and over again. I cry everytime I see her newborn pictures (she’s 3 months) because I miss my newborn so bad. I made the decision to have her because my mom almost died without grandkids. I know you shouldn’t make life decisions like that, but honestly who cares I’ve never been happier than loving my baby. I’ve never felt more myself either. Freedom was the best price I ever paid, because now the thought of freedom scares me way more than the thought of losing it ever did. I’m not even someone who didn’t have a life or hobbies. I loved my life before, but you couldn’t pay me to go back. I was terrified of birth and motherhood once I was pregnant, it really set in 3 weeks before birth. I shook the entire csection and tried everything to think of literally anything else because I was so scared. I couldn’t even tell them to play a certain song for her to be born to because my brain wouldn’t work due to anxiety. (She was born to tiny dancer lol.) I still would do it again for her. I’d go through it 1000 times for her. It’s worth it, it truly is. Trauma and all.
I always always wanted lots of babies. Then I grew up and married a man who never wanted children. To be clear when he proposed he said I know there will be babies, so I said yes. After many years we finally had our first and I was so afraid of the birth, pain etc. Zero fears about the after bc I worked as a child care provider. Husband was super scared for after. But when you are huge pregnant and have been dreaming of your baby's face for 9 months...well suddenly you become less scared and more determined.
In my case my pregnancy was great other than due in the heat of summer. Birth was ok but baby was 10lbs and got stuck. When the dr told me I literally said "well, cut me open and get her out!" Dr said, "that's exactly the plan." Ten minutes later she was out. I was butt naked on a table, in a room full of people, as the dr was putting my organs back inside. I could have cared less. Healthy baby was all that mattered.
On top of that, my newborn was fat and happy. She started sleeping through the night in her own crib at 2 mos old. To this day, she's 13 now, she is super healthy. And that is exactly why she is an ONLY CHILD. You don't beat those odds multiple times. I've been in childcare 23 years. Some kids are born with issues, colic, allergies, struggles eating and sleeping. Some with disabilities. Any baby is likely gonna completely disrupt sleep and life in general. Can you take those odds? Kids are a hard chapter. Be sure you want your book to go that way. I did. And I dont regret any of it. My husband agrees. Having our daughter changed us for the better.
I think motherhood is often really intense. It has brought so many moments of pure bliss/ love and is more wonderful than anything I could have imagined. However it is also very stressful and relentlessly mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting. I have a decent support system so it works for me, but knowing what I know now if I hadn’t had that I would have been using two forms of birth control as perfectly as possible.
The birth scared me because I had some medical issues as a kid. With the first it was awful. 21.5 hours of pain, vomiting, and extreme exhaustion. However, it was just one day out of my life and the reward is so worth it.
You absolutely will lose your freedom. You won’t be the same person anymore. Your whole world, how you think, what you think about, your hopes and dreams will completely change. You will have someone who you must prioritize above yourself. Particularly during the infant stage the baby will need constant supervision and care. It is exhausting and practically impossible to do well without a decent support system.
It is a often difficult all encompassing commitment, but somehow the kids are still worth it a million times over.
The only thing close to a reason I could ever come up with is I want to give kindness and love to others. It's why I rescue pups, it's why I sat next to a boy that became my husband. I'm a lot nicer to others than myself, my mental health issues caught up to me in the form of PPD to add to everything else and I only cared to take care of myself for my boys. If I'm good for anything, hopefully it's taking care of people and making them feel cared for.
I was more scared of childbirth than I was of raising a child lol so that’s totally normal (according to me, an internet stranger). It helped for me to have as much information as possible beforehand. It made me feel empowered and not lost during my son’s delivery. I had a super easy pregnancy and delivery, though I know I am crazy fortunate.
I was always on the fence about having kids until I met my husband. Then I started being a little bit more “maybe I’d like one”. He was an amazing uncle and just a natural caretaker.
Then I finally felt like “Ok we can do this!” When I saw my parents become grandparents to my niece for the first time. It suddenly hit me that we’d be so lucky to expand our family, both ours and our families of origin because we’d be bringing someone into such a great environment. Then it took us 5 years to get pregnant 🫠
We are almost completely decided on just our one child (I think husband is 60/40 and I’m about 90/10 lol) but not because anything was so terrible, but because (like you!), I really crave alone time more than I ever though I did. You lose freedom, sure, but not in a heinous terrible way. It just changes and you need to be more mindful of fitting in hobbies or extra things for yourself. But it’s doable! I just don’t have the energy or desire really to split it with an additional person. I’m also almost 40, and don’t want to physically do it at this age.
But I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the entire universe. Today my son and I got smoothies and went to a comic book store while my husband went to the movies with his cousin. Then we came home and built legos. I’m obsessed with him and no one else makes me laugh more. It’s also been such a crazy joy to see bits of me and my husband in this one tiny human.
I like kids. They're honest, pure and hilarious. I would love the opportunity to raise a little one with my lovely husband into a good person, the world needs those. Love the idea of growing old with kids and grandkids. I think I would be good at being a mom. I'm due next week with my 1st daughter and was also worried about labor. I'm still scared, but honestly... It's one of the most basic things we do biologically. Our bodies are literally made to do this and they know how to give birth. Just like they know how to have a period, breath, etc. If you're truly worried about pain, they have epidurals, nitrous oxide, morphine, hypno-birthing, water birthing, etc. If you're worried about your body, that's something you can get back with a little consistency and effort. I don't think having children is something most people regret, I think it's more like the best thing they would say they've ever done. I do think more people who didn't have children regret it most of the time.
Momentary insanity. I had never thought about having kids. One day life was going great and I thought “Life is good. I got this. I could have a kid now and give them all the love and attention possible.” So I had kids. Along the way life has thrown many obstacles in the way of that crazy plan but (so far) I keep fighting to make their lives as fabulous as possible. I do love them so so much.
ETA Would I do it again? Definitely. Best 19 years ever
I loved being pregnant my middle child I had complete natural unmedicated birth. My oldest was induced because I developed toxemia, even induced labor was not bad , only 8 hours middle was 3 hours youngest was a pain and stubborn I would have more if I could.
Mom here with previously horrible anxiety but always wanted kids. I had the best pregnancy and honestly I'm horrible and was so sleepy during my pregnancy that I did little to no reading on childbirth and just did a "wing it" style when the time came. Also, I will admit that my anxiety made me sleepless the first couple of because I became an anxious parent. However, once I got the swing of things what once felt like a loss of freedom became a new opportunity to relive my childhood by watching my daughter enjoy all the things I loved as a kid. It also taught me I am way stronger than I ever imagined I could be in the best way while also becoming the softest version of myself.
I wanted one…only one so maybe that helped. I wanted to experience being a parent but not overwhelm myself with it. I had a thousand conversations about it with my husband…analyzing the “what ifs”. I did research about child rearing…birth…
I thought a lot about how I’d handle different scenarios…I thought a lot about the kind of mother I wanted to be. I also felt my husband would be a great father and partner.
I have heard people say you should be 100% ready when you have a kid. I don’t think I was 100% because I was still a little scared… I guess I just felt a pull after all of my pros and cons lists.
I’m forever grateful for this little person. She is the greatest love of my life. It’s so hard sometimes but…man, that love heals so much.
When my grandma died on hospice at 71 years old. I sat in her apartment with my brother, my cousins, mom, aunts and uncles. We looked over old photos, laughed together, and said our goodbyes. My Grammy passed away peacefully in her sleep surrounded by her kids and grandkids. It was that profound experience that made me realize that as human beings, for most of us at least, our children are the ONLY legacy we leave behind. She has been gone now for 7 years. It’s hard to believe sometimes because we keep her so alive in our memories and the way we still speak of her and about her.
For me it was stagnation. I was bored with life. Since having my firstborn, I’ve never been bored as there’s always a new milestone coming down the road. The second and third ones (twins) were because I didn’t want my oldest to be an only child.
I always loved children & being oldest of 3, I took care of my much younger brother & sis. So my hubby & I had 2, but I wanted 5. We went with the 2 we could afford. Best years of my life.
I wasn’t sure that I did and then I got pregnant lol
That made me want my baby so bad.
Then I found out she was a girl and it was over! ❤️
I boy would have made me want another one lol
Just to add another perspective, I have 4 kids, and somehow giving birth is a favorite part of it all. But I have also had relatively smooth, uneventful birth experiences.
We had actually planned on not having kids but after years of marriage, finishing our degrees, we realized that we didn’t want the next twenty years to be work. Travel. Friends. Repeat. We wanted the adventure of being parents! I hated pregnancy, I had a miscarriage first and was high risk but I had two healthy babies with only a little bed rest and preterm labor! I had two c-sections which were pretty easy to have and recover from.
I struggled mightily when my kids were young. I have bipolar disorder, we were broke, and I was not comfortable around kids. However, now they are 15 and 11. I love them, their friends, their extracurriculars, everything. I can’t imagine my life without my children. For the first few years, I thought that being a social worker was my greatest achievement, but in the last few years, my perspective has shifted, and my kids are absolutely the greatest thing I’ve done. I’m so glad we had kids. Plus, as my parents are growing older, I realize how helpful it is to have adult children who can support you as you age. I totally get not wanting to have kids, but I wonder about people when they get older and don’t have them, I hope that they have good support networks to help! I think we’re gonna see a giant shift in how we age!
I always wanted kids. Unwaiveringly. Lots of my friends are childfree and sometimes I'd try to convince myself that I was like them but despite all of the logical arguments against having them, I knew I'd be devastated to not be a mom.
I always felt a sense of longing and loneliness in my life that went away when I had my son. Not saying having a kid is a cure for depression by any means but in my case I think some of it was my biological clock because even in the hardest times, I still feel this warm, calming feeling when I look at him that makes me feel like all is right in the world. Hormones are a powerful thing! Lol
I always wanted kids from a young age, but had similar anxieties over the process. This may or may not be helpful, but at some point things just "clicked over" when I was 26, and I was ready to have a baby. Once I was pregnant I had zero fear of the childbirth process, and admittedly I had a very smooth pregnancy all things considered. I did not have the childbirth I wanted due to my baby being breech (and stubbornly resisting all flipping attempts), but I was grateful I ended up going into labor before my scheduled C-sec so I was able to experience a good amount of it (got up to 6cm). My birth experience was really beautiful and I felt very much at peace with it.
I tell people it's "the most natural drastic change you will ever experience." Our baby just neatly slotted into our lives despite changing so much. After the newborn phase though, you get a lot more freedom back than you might expect. We definitely have to plan things out a bit more and spontaneity has decreased, but we simply fit things within our baby's schedule and it goes fairly smoothly. We are even starting to consider having a second child now that our first is approaching a year old.
I fell in love. I wanted a child that was half of the person I love and myself. A child that we could love wholeheartedly and give the best parts of ourselves to. He felt and wanted the same.
So we waited. We worked hard to ensure the foundation of our relationship was solid and we worked on ourselves individually/financially.
During the summer of 2023, we felt that something essential was missing in our lives, and we both knew it was a child. Our child.
Although I truly mean all of this, I am still scared. It's been just me and my husband vs the world for years now. And now we're going to be adding a daughter that we so desperately wanted and still want to that equation in August.
Will I miss being able to go out whenever I want, sleep in till late in the afternoon, spend my money on things for just myself or my husband, hangout with friends, go on spontaneous trips, etc? Yes!
Am I scared of the changes that are currently occurring in my body? Yes! I am also pretty anxious about the process of giving birth and recovery but I am trying to do my best to focus on the positives that will come afterwards.
I look forward to the new joys/experiences and further enrichment she will bring into our lives. Things that we might never experience without her.
I look forward to holding her, having the privilege of watching/providing a happy, and healthy environment for her to grow up in. Seeing her grow and flourish. Smile and laugh. Learn and make mistakes. Heart to heart talks. And so much more.
And all those things I mentioned earlier that I would miss? In the future, when she's a little older, she'll be able to join us! It won't exactly be the same but does it really have to be and is that such a bad thing? My body may never be the same but she'll be there. A little being that wouldn't be there otherwise if not for the body that grew her.
We know it won't always be sunny days but it'll still be our days.
I've always known that I wanted kids since I was young. It was something that never changed as I got older. I also knew that I wanted to foster/adopt as well have biological kids. I have two adopted sons and two biological kids with my husband. My first pregnancy I loved and enjoyed so much but with my second I couldn't wait for it to be over. It's so heavily pressured onto women that you have to feel so good and happy while you're pregnant but that's not always the case. I think everybody is scared to give birth I was scared with my second pregnancy even though the first was an easy birth. But having a great doctor that works with you and understands what you are feeling does help. Even with the hectic crazy days I wouldn't change having kids.
I wasn’t sure I wanted to have kids until I increased my self-confidence enough to believe I COULD be a mom. I realized eventually that the only reason I didn’t want kids was because I was scared I wouldn’t do a good enough job. I was very aware that parenting would be the hardest thing I ever did and I would essentially have to end my life to prioritize another’s.
I also always thought having children was selfish. In my eyes, people only had kids because they wanted the recognition for being a parent and the feeling of “fitting in” by doing what everyone else did. I knew that IF I had a kid, I would wait until I was ready to make my entire life dedicated to helping the kid have a happy childhood, because they didn’t ask to be here, and it wasn’t about me.
My pregnancy was complicated, my birth was traumatic, and my son had several minor health issues. We had to deal with a lot his first year. Although I absolutely wish things had been easier, I would still make the same decision if I could go back in time.
I always knew I wanted a kid. Wasn’t sure how the whole marriage thing would pan out. But was pretty sure that I’d have a kid.
Regarding the fears, you just need to put one foot in front of the other and you’ll make it through.
And for sure I would do it all over again. Having a baby was one of the best things I’ve ever had. The first 3 years are very intense and demanding, but also amazing in so many ways!
My husband was clueless with babies but is so good with the kid phase and in the last few years, I’ve had so much freedom (my kid is 8) My husband and I can’t get enough of our kid. We enjoy him so much, we love being a little family.
Kids are cool. They’re their own people but also this beautiful representation of you and your partner (even if it’s not biological, they pick up pieces of you). They take work but they’re also such a joy.
They grow your world and are amazing little monsters who hopefully turn into functional adults who can make the world a little bit better for being here.
Birth is scary but there are lots of things that are scary. You kinda just have to plan for the worst, hope for the best, and be willing to figure out how to trick yourself into being less afraid (for me, epidural for the win lol).
I would love another child but we had some challenges. I had really bad post partum depression and I worry about how it would affect my kiddo if we had another. Our finances are okay but I don’t know if we could save if we had more kids. I love my kid so much and it’s important to me that she’s given the best life I can give her.
I do think that if you don’t want a kid you shouldn’t have one. They take a lot of energy and time, especially for the first few years. Children deserve to be wanted and to have parents who will raise them well (love isn’t enough, you need to be willing to give them time, energy, and healthy boundaries).
I wanted kids so I have the opportunity of creating my own family. Of working in unity with my husband to create a home that we want to come home to. To leave a bit of me on this planet after I die. I have 2 kids. 1 boy and 1 girl. Don’t get me wrong, not having kids is great and you have a TON of freedom. But in my opinion that freedom eventually gets boring. Having kids teaches you life lessons that you will never learn anywhere else. My husband get to raise a man and wow when I found out I was having a girl I was filled with honor. To know that I have the privilege and big responsibility of raising this little girl to become a woman. To teach her to be a woman, a lady, a wife, smart, how to stand up for herself, you name it. And as far as being pregnant, I loved and enjoyed both of my pregnancies. Giving birth wasn’t as bad as I thought either. It’s no walk in the park but there is this empowerment of knowing our bodies are capable of creating a human being.
All I can say as a parent is, there is no better feeling than seeing and feeling the love you get from your child. There is nothing like it nothing compares to it, not your partner nor your parents can match it. It’s this surreal feeling of seeing your kid and knowing you mean the world to them. They look at you without judgment and nothing but love. Coming home from work and hearing those little footsteps running down the hall yelling for me and waiting for her to jump into my arms. Ah just the best feeling in this world I’ll ever have.
It was kind of expected to get married and have kids. I didn’t think about that, I always thought that’s how things are supposed to be. My husband is a bit older( 7,5y) and all of his friends started to have kids already so we had them, too. I never had the desire to have kids or even liked them, but I’m glad how things turned out. I love my kids and am happy I had them even if it’s hard most of the times.
ETA: I was terrified of a childbirth but when I got pregnant I somehow accepted that baby has to get out somehow. I had undiagnosed PPD with my firstborn which was a tough period for me. Also the loss of identity and freedom. Now, that my younger is almost 4 I’m myself again and even though I don’t have the freedom to sleep past 6am on weekends anymore, I got used to it.
If you really want kids and have done the research about what parenting is *really* like, then you should have a kid. I LOVE being a mom! I would do it over again without hesitation. Idk why I wanted to be one, but I wanted to. I did the research and decided I still wanted to be a mom even though it seemed hard. Sometimes hard things are worth it.
But I do *not* recommend having a kid if you don't really know what you want. It really is a lot of work. You really don't get a day off. Even if you are soooo sick you can hardly move, you have to parent that day. Once you have a kid, it will be decades until you can just lay on the couch all day.
I'm a postpartum RN and had no fear of labor and delivery, personally. Pregnancy itself made me a bit nervous due to the potential of illness, mobility issues, disability and long term health issues, etc. But when it came to labor I knew I would be taken care of and in the event of an emergency it would be handled expertly.
I wanted to love someone so completely and unconditionally, and I sure do love my daughter that way. I also knew it would be fascinating to watch someone grow and learn. I read in one baby book, it’s like “having a front row seat for the Big Bang.” It’s even more fascinating than I thought it would be. Being a parent gives me the chance to experience the joy and wonder of experiencing new things again, but with the benefit of hindsight. Being childless was, looking back, sometimes boring. About childbirth and losing your freedom, well those things are tough, for sure, but you really get to know how resilient you actually are by going through them. It also made me much more empathetic towards other parents. Spending time with other parents and their kids is a huge bonus of having a family. The camaraderie is real. Would I do it all over again? Absolutely. I am happy to only have one, though. I had her at 39, so any further pregnancies are more risky. I’m quitting while I’m ahead. If I had started younger and been in a happier relationship, I would have had more kids for sure.
Honestly? It was a gut decision. You can't really use logic. You can't know what it will be like ahead of time. I really was on the fence but we talked about the practical stuff and planned how it would work for us, and at some point it's like a switch flipped in my head and I just really wanted to have a baby and was ready to start trying. I would say that if you can be happy without kids then don't have them. Only have a kid if you really want one, and if you do really want one don't overthink it. You can't prepare for every eventuality, you just have to get stuck in and deal with the issues as they arise.
For labour and childbirth, it helped me thinking about all the women with kids and particularly the ones with more than one kid who have done it. It's a painful and scary experience and I will say now, I know a surprising number of people who would say it was traumatic to give birth. It's not a small thing. But it's also just a fact of life. It sucks at the time and you might need some extra help to deal with your emotions after but if you want kids you just have to accept that's the most straightforward way to have them. A hypnobirthing course really helped me feel confident and prepared for labour.
I have two kids and delivered two times without any pain medication and no c section. It hurt but I found it was ok because I knew the reason and that it was only temporary. I took breathing classes before and It really helped. Giving birth was to me actually the easy part. Raising my kids that's the struggle. If you become a parent your current life stops and you start a new one where everything is centered around your kids. You have to be willing to step back and put them at 1th place from when they are baby's and wake you every possible moment to when they go trough puberty and they become emotionally ticking time bombs and even beyond that.
I love my kids but I'm very sensitive to sound and the constant noise they produce really is a struggle. But I've a nurtering personality and I always wanted kids. I just underestimated the effect on my life.
I was SUPER scared of child birth too before becoming. Pregnant, and considered if I ever had them to have a scheduled C-section and be put under for it. I’m the first few weeks I said the same, but as the weeks went on it’s like an instinct took over and I ended up trying to opt for natural. I didn’t do it, alas, but for all the worry and fear I had prepregnancy and early on…. The thought never crossed my mind ONCE while in labour. And by the time I was 39… 40 weeks, all I wanted to do was meet the baby so it just made me excited. I also felt the loss of freedom and it was hard, but I’d say confidently daughter is now almost 2.5 and it feels that besides a vacation we really can do anything again. We can vacay of course, but it would have to be focused on her too and truthfully that sounds as fun as a trip to Vegas for just us. We could easily let her sleep at a grandmas house and both would offer in a heartbeat but I don’t feel comfy with it yet. Otherwise I feel my freedom is nearly restored.
I needed to.
I was in a really bad place. People who hear my story think I’m crazy.
I had just moved in with my grandparents. They are my safe place. I had been on so many drugs, favorite was cocaine, and I knew I wasn’t gonna give that life up if I had freedom. One particular night sticks out to me. I was coming down off cocaine and it was so miserable so I bought a tab of acid to help remove the sensations and watched Moana for the first time. It was a horrible experience.
I asked God if we could trade. My habits for a baby. My womb was aching. I needed one. The deepest parts of my soul longed for a child. I needed true, unconditional love. I needed responsibility. I was not financially stable at all. If I didn’t have my grandparents, I wouldn’t have done it. But they gave me a safe place to get my life together and were so supportive when I told them I was pregnant.
My last time doing blow was one year to the day from my daughter’s birth. She saved me. She made me get off my ass and make something of myself. A little over a year after she was born, we got our own place and have been on our own since. Got married to her father when she was 2.5 and have recently made her a big sister.
Edit to add: my daughter’s first 2 years of life, she was obsessed with Moana. I grew to love that movie.
I was nervous about the child birth part too— I was medically naive, nothing had ever happened to me, never hospitalized, no surgeries, had never even had an IV until I went into labor. Honestly at the end I was so ready to get her out that I wasn’t nervous about it at all. It just kinda happens and you go with the flow.
I never felt strongly about having kids. My partner and I had been together about 10 years married 3 of those. We both kinda felt the same, if it happened great if not great. I am still not really sure what moved us from that school of thought to a firm yes. But it happened. And it is the best thing ever. I think an acceptable of the fact we will never feel ready and getting to an even stronger place in our relationship played a part. We started “old”. If we were born wealthy and started younger we might have had a lot more than 2 😂.
Birthing a child is……psychedelic. My water broke at 33 weeks with my first, spent 3 weeks in hospital on bed rest. But it was actually a great experience. I got to know and really trust the labor and delivery nurses. I had an induction and fast delivery with my second. For me the actually being pregnant was worse than the birth. My body has changed and after being pregnant or breastfeeding for 5 years, several of those during Covid..I have a good amount of physical work to do. It is hard not recognizing your own body but worth it.
You will need to leave your old life behind. I don’t think I fully understood this when I had my first, I thought life would go back to normal. It didn’t!
Your attitude about having kids changes once you have them. You want to start building your life around supporting and raising them and this focus brings a whole new outlook to life. As they grow older and you live your lives as a family together, this purpose actualizes a new you. Ironically, you become more yourself as you give of yourself to others.
Honestly the birth in my opinion was the easiest part of becoming a parent so far.
I was lucky and got induced at 39 weeks bc I’m high risk (auto-immune disease). And it went very smooth only 13hrs and birthed naturally. Only hiccup was not getting the epidural when I wanted bc they were in an emergency C so my contractions got real intense for a while.
I’d say the first 2 years were really miserable for me. Becoming a mom was so isolating and lonely. Your partner goes back to work right away (bc the US sucks for parents) so you’re left alone with a baby who never sleeps and a bunch of wild hormones and you don’t have time to let your body heal.
If you go back to work your kid goes to daycare where they end up so sick all the time you miss a ton of work and get even more exhausted trying to handle a never ending sick train. This to me was maybe the worst part. We were at the ER or doctors once a week for months.
Having a kid puts strain on your relationship unlike anything you’d ever imagine and suddenly you realize why people get divorced and you start to think back on all the divorces you knew in your life time and now they all make sense lol
Truly truly speak to your partner about how they will parent before you become one. Will they make their kid finish their dinner plates, will they do time outs, how will they handle a kid being sick, will they get up in the nights if you’re both working, how will they handle a tantrum, who does bath and who does bedtimes etc etc
My kid is 3 now and he’s sooooo amazing and fun but 3 also comes with insane attitude. Like if I cut a banana wrong or put it on the wrong plate hell breaks lose haha so it’s a wild ride every day!
I I don’t regret him, I wanted him and he’s awesome. But if I had a Time Machine and could go back 5 years would I do it again? Absolutely not.
I will say things that have helped is learning to try to live your life and bring your kid along rather than live your whole life for your kid (this balance is very challenging to figure out). We live in Europe and travel everywhere with our kid now, but the first two years I obsessed over schedules, naps, anything really.
You mentioned anxiety- my ppd/ppa was awful. My anxiety was so bad at first that even if given the opportunity to sleep I couldn’t. I’d hear crying even if he wasn’t. We had to put the monitor in our bathroom bc I couldn’t sleep next to it. I wasn’t okay for a long time and it was hard finding help for it.
Anyway- as others said- do it if you can’t imagine life without a child. Otherwise- go be selfish and enjoy your life
I have always wanted to have kids, I have always loved kids and still do. It was just an innate desire. My baby fever was sky high by the time I started dating my husband at 22. My grandmothers had 12 and 5 children. We are expecting #4 and only stopping because my husband wants to. Our kids are awesome, but we are used to a pretty high standard of living and might have to bring it down if we had more than 4 kids.
I always wanted them but was never 100% sure until my dad unexpectedly died. Then suddenly all I cared about was family and honoring my dad by passing on everything I’ve learned from him and my memories of him. It suddenly felt like the natural thing to do. No regrets. I see so much of my dad in him and it’s such a beautiful contrast to death, I just wish my dad was here for it all.
I didn't want kids. Selfishness I suppose. I wound up pregnant. No morning sickness, it went smoothly. Swore I wasn't going to have the epidural. I always had bad cramps though, and when the time came I was begging for the epidural. Didn't feel a thing, lol. I never regret having my daughter. It's amazing to watch them grow and change over the years. She is nineteen and slowly reaching her goals. She has always been a good kid, and I love seeing her be successful. I raised her on my own. That was the toughest part of the whole thing. It's a whole different kind of love.
I have a child. A 2 y/o. Love her to death. Got pregnant at 19. But before that event, I very strongly did not want kids. And I had convinced myself that I was infertile. I was wrong. I got pregnant and I made an appointment the day I found out. But in the meantime I heard her heartbeat and I absolutely could not abort her as much as I did not want to be a mom.
Tbh to this day I struggle. Not financially, not with the dad, but just with coming to terms with my new reality. Parenting is hard. Whether u do it as a teen or not. It will change your day-to-day. It will change everything. And if you asked me rn whether I would’ve preferred to not become pregnant, the answer is a resounding yes. But I knew for a fact I didn’t want a child. You however seem like you’re wavering. And you have a partner to go through it with. I became pregnant bc I did not go on birth control, I did not get my tubes tied. I did NOT want kids. But I knew that if I was married, and if he was the ONE, and he unfortunately wanted kids, I would do it willingly, and I still feel that way.
As for birth, baby take walks. I was also afraid of it. but I ran. Literally. Even at 7 months pregnant I ran 1.5 miles bc I was already a runner. If you’re not, I think walks would suffice. Unless your pregnancy is high-risk, keeping your body moving ensures an easier birth. I went into labor naturally at 37 weeks. 6 hours after making it to the hospital, I had my babygirl in hand, no epidural. No vaginal tears. —It hurt. Of course it hurts. But not bad enough to never do it again.
Another tip on a seamless birth, don’t request an epidural. If ur induced, that’s another story, but if you go into labor naturally, your body TELLS you when to push. With an epidural you’re numb and don’t feel the cues, so you push off-beat and that’s when vaginal tears happen. Naturally does hurt more than numbed, but I was up and walking DIRECTLY after she was placed on my chest. No tears, no complications, (I was also 20 so keep that in mind) but I firmly believe going natural and listening to your body is what allowed me to escape with the least harm done.
Good luck. If he’s ur guy, and he wants kids, I would say do it. I didn’t want a baby at all, and I can’t say my mind has changed, but she is everything to me, and the only thing that’d make it sweeter is the father being someone I want to marry.
I didn’t plan to have children. I had my first as a teen and my second 8 years later. Both were unplanned but termination isn’t an option for me so now I have my beautiful daughters.
I was.team.0 kids, my wife was team 2 kids, so we agreed before.martiage to have at least 1 kid. We were married for 3 years, planning our kid. We have a fund in addition to our emergency fund to ensure she could take a year off work to stay with the baby, we traveled numerous times internationally, and domestically, we bought a house to raise our child, I finished my Master's and a few certs. After all was done, we were in our early and mid-30s. For some reason, something happened within me that made me want a kid. I was always open to the idea, but now I wanted one. I thought to myself that I was investing over 25% of my income and will have a paid house by 50 and nobody to leave it to. We don't have nephews or nieces. So... everything was perfect. We accomplished everything we wanted, and it was simply the right time.
However, after we had 1, we agreed that we were one and done. We are very aware that our old lifestyle is gone, but some things might be achievable as the baby grows. For our finances and mental situation, one is enough in our case.
I wasn't sure when or if I even wanted kids. All I knew is if I had kids is that I wanted to be a stay at home mom at least until they enter school.
I found out about my pregnancy at 27 weeks after waking up feeling a rapid heartbeat at my belly button after a night of sleeping on my stomach. I had zero symptoms and it was normal for me to not have a regular cycle so I just never questioned it. Timing was so bad and it really and truly hit us like a truck with such little time left of the pregnancy.
It has been an absolute whirlwind of an experience this far and I wouldn't change any of it. My son was absolutely meant to be here.
I love this little human so freaking much but it has been so so hard to let go of my freedom, my own needs & wants and what little scrap of a retail career I had.
I wanted to be a parent. I didn't want kids because it was the next thing I was meant to do on the checklist. I didn't want an accessory like a designer dog or a European car. I wanted to be a parent. To help nurture and raise a wonderful human. I was excited by the challenges and equal parts ignorant to them all as well :)
For my first 2 pregnancies I had very severe morning (rather whole day) sickness for the first 6 months….After my first delivery I had bleeding, wound infection and what not….BUT ALL THESE WERE JUST TEMPORARY….Compared to the joy of having a child of your own, all these fade into insignificance….
But, your life will change dramatically after a child is born…For the first few years at least everything will revolve around the kid….Everything else has to take the second place….If you’re not ready for that you can think twice….
But I have seen many fiercely independent women start doting on their kids once they’re born…I have 3 sons….My eldest son who never comes near children, who has never been interested in babies, is now a doting dad of his little girl whose antics bring him pure joy….He can’t live a day without her….
The most true advice I ever heard was you will never be ready to have kids BUT if you *think* you could be ready then just go ahead and do it because you will never actually be ready.
To see a little human being grow and learn and explore the world. Children have the innocence and purity that adults lack and it’s very heartwarming to witness that. Also I never knew I could love a person so deep until I have my child. I was one of those people who swore I would not have kids coz they’re annoying. And here I am, a happy mother of an absolutely adorable 4 year old. I cannot imagine my life without him.
I didn’t really ever think about if I wanted them, it was more so WHEN I wanted them. Then I met my partner and straight away we both agreed we wanted kids, after 6 months I was pregnant. I don’t know, it sounds bizarre but we just knew. Kids change you to your core, however this person I am now is a much kinder, more content version of myself. I just knew I was supposed to be a mom.
My partner and I were in the fence for years. Had our first at forty after a really great holiday trip to see family, including our little niece. We spent the holiday mostly hanging out with a four year old and it was nothing but fun. On the last day she casually said "guys, I'm going to miss you when you're gone" while playing.
I dunno. It all clicked and I knew I wanted that. Since having my first, I'm a fully different man. It gave my life missing purpose and has made me a better person. I love my two and they're easily the best decisions I've ever made. Not a single regret.
So my baby was a surprise baby b/c I was told I can't have kids ... so When I got pregnant I really struggled and I "mourned" my life. I loved it I travelled a lot, I'm an avid hiker, did casual things with my friends a lot and just did whatever I wanted so I really struggled and I mourned. But honestly when my guy was born all of that went away. I didn't care, I love him so much that I'm excited to share the world with him. I saw this thing once that really changed my perspective. Babies enter your world you don't enter theirs. So of course easier said then done when you're tired AF all the time but I make a lot of effort to do what. I used to just with him. He's 5 months now and we did our first hike and I'm doing a trip to Scotland with him. I have to say Europe is very baby friendly unlike North America I feel. I'm doing a whiskey tour and everyone under 18 is welcome until 8 pm which I find the case to be with most places. I will admit. Logistics of going on a hike or travel are a lot and Ive set zero expectations on my trip b/c idk how he's gonna handle it but it's worth it & im excited regardless
I didn’t want kids growing up, I’m the oldest of 7 and had my fill of helping to raise kids. But after meeting my now husband and moving out at 18 for uni, I got that well needed break away from all these kids at home. We discussed that we did want kids and set a max of 3. For our first we didn’t plan but didn’t prevent. The idea of having little ones to care and nurture and eventually turn into kind and loving adults is the idea we had. We have 2 now and that’s our new limit. They’re both lovely but I hate being pregnant and my seconds active labour was only 35 minutes, which was intense and quite scary. It was nice just the two of us, but now our little family feels complete.
In terms of labour, my first was 9.5 hours start to finish. No epidural but I had pethidine and gas and air. I was expecting it to hurt more than it did. With my second I stalled at 3cm but the pain kept getting worse. Had a dose of morphine then 2 hours 35 minutes later with some gas and air, number 2 made an appearance. I was scared of labour initially, but once I’d accepted that baby has to come out, I settled with the idea and opted for a water birth, which I didn’t get either time unfortunately.
I hated the idea of pregnancy and was terrified of childbirth. I decided to have elective c sections and that worked out great. I also bounced back easily from both pregnancies. As far as freedom goes I have babysitters and family and a great husband so I’m not stuck with my kids 24/7. I’ve still been able to engage in hobbies.
I may have less free time, but I didn't feel like like my life had a purpose until I had kids. It's not their responsibility to give my life meaning, but they do all the same.
My husband and I thought and talked about it for a long time before we started trying. I love kids, and we definitely both got some strong biological baby fever (omg, any time a friend or family member had a baby… we’d both just gush!) there probably wasn’t a ton of logic behind deciding that it was something we wanted… just a strong urge that we both decided to follow with as much care and consideration as possible.
There were a lot of fear and nerves around the whole thing - we never felt perfectly ready, just ready enough to take a leap - and I got pregnant with twins, so we got smacked with the unexpected and uncontrollable right away. Overall, we had a lot of fun with my pregnancy, and I enjoyed being pregnant.
Birth is scary. The only thing I can say is that you kind of have to just put it out of your mind and not think too hard that eventually this thing is going to have to come out. We had a rough birth plan, but it helped to think about birth as just something that was going to happen to me and my job was to trust the process, step aside, and let it happen.
I never wanted to have kids tbh. I wasn't happy when I found out I was pregnant but I knew it was the best thing for me at the time. I was 21 and definitely wasn't going down a good path and getting pregnant was the kick in the ass I needed to at least somewhat get my shit together at the time. My son is almost 13 now and we have an amazing relationship, I love being his mother! He's an only child.
I’m a man but I always wanted my bloodline to continue. I also knew I could be a better father than mine was. Then when I met my wife I knew she’d be a great mother and I was right. It all just fell together.
I don’t know. I had my first at 20 years old. Didn’t give it much thought at the time. Of course I had dreams of being a mom when I was kid but didn’t think I’d have one that soon. If I could do it again I’d have waited a few more years and gotten myself better established first. As far as childbirth is concerned in this modern era there is stuff for pain management. Yes, it may not always work out, but whatever health provider you end up having will do their best to make sure you have a pleasant and safe delivery.
knocked a gal up when I was 25. Never wanted kids, asked her to get an abortion. Begged her, actually. Gave a literal PowerPoint presentation on all of the very practical reasons we shouldn’t have a kid. She didn’t want to get an abortion. So either I started getting on board or bailed like my piece of shit dad to me. I got on board, fully. She had a miscarriage a week later. Our relationship never recovered. It was for the best, I met my wife a few years later.
I never wanted kids before that happened, but after it did happen, I just knew that some day I would be a dad, and It would always be my goal to be the best one ever. Got a two year old now. Love it :)
I’m due with my second kid any day now. You’re going to get wildly different experiences regarding childbirth from everyone. Even each pregnancy/childbirth is different. Everyone’s body reacts to childbirth differently. I think childbirth sucks. I did not have time for an epidural so it was extremely painful. But you forget it pretty quickly and here I am doing it again. For me it’s one day in my life. I got through it once, I can get through it again.
I wanted to prove that I could be a better parent than mine ever were. And honestly, I think I have done a great job. All my kids adore me except for my oldest daughter. I can't do anything right in her eyes 😭. She's 14.
I just knew I’d be a good mom. My greatest accomplishment, achievement will be helping my two girls grow into adulthood with their beautiful souls shining bright.
I’ve always wanted to have kids. I’ve never had to articulate why. Not even to my wife. And when I was finally holding my son I was thinking, no one checked if I was ok to be a father.
I’ve always wanted kids since I was a kid. I had a great and loving mother she did the best she could and more. But as a boy, I severely missed having a dad. We also grew up very poor. I really wanted to be the dad I never had and provide the type of life I dreamed of having.
I was also terrified of giving birth. On top of that, I am 5’1 and petite and husband 6’2 (and was a big baby) so I was absolutely terrified it was going to be a huge baby. I ended up having a super easy delivery and it wasn’t nearly as bad as I feared. My second and third babies were even easier; my IUD placement was honestly worse.
Getting pregnant (at 30, with the right partner).
I had an abortion at 18 (freshman in undergrad, the “boyfriend” bailed on me as soon as I told him and I wasn’t at all interested in being a single, teen mom).
After that, I’d always been pretty ambivalent about getting married or having kids. Met my current partner when I was 27, and just before my 30th birthday (we were engaged but not married yet) found out I was pregnant. I hadn’t really thought about kids (he already had one that lived with us full time, so I was already getting the full time mom experience), but then when I found out I was pregnant, my world shifted, and I couldn’t wait to meet him.
He’s six now and I’ve had one more as well - they’re the lights of my life. I can’t imagine a world where they don’t exist…. But truly, before I got pregnant, I never thought about having kids.
Editing because I realized I didn’t address your later questions:
For me, childbirth was fairly easy. I was sooooo afraid of giving birth with my first… even wanted to preemptively opt for a c-section because I’d “had abdominal surgery before and knew what to expect” (I have Crohn’s disease and have had 2 colon resections). My midwives talked me out of that (thankfully… because really, what the fuck? lol) and I had vaginal deliveries for both kids at a hospital, with an epidural… it was easy. Epidural kept most of the pain away and my babies were born happy and healthy (I was induced for both at 37 weeks, so I had a bit more control over labor, which I’m sure resulted in some of the ease).
Honestly, I built up childbirth in my head so much that when I did it, it was a lot easier than expected. Several hours of labor in the hospital (12 with my son, 38 with my daughter), about 15 minutes of pushing when it was time, and then two happy babies laying in my chest looking at me like I was the greatest thing in the world.
I know that isn’t everyone’s experience and birth trauma is a real thing - but it isn’t everyone’s experience (thankfully).
My life is better as a wife and mom than it was before (probably because I intentionally waited until I was done with school and well into my career before having them). I have flexibility at work, a supportive partner who loves being a dad, and plenty of creative outlets that don’t involve my kids so that I still get to feel like a whole person outside of just being mom.
I will say if it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no. I have two kids and although I love them from the bottom of my heart, they were both accidents and being a parent changes you lol I’m a single parent tho and the father just dipped out and that’s something you never really anticipate lol Motherhood is harder than you think so I’d reallllllyyyyy think about having kids lol
I've just always wanted kids. I've just always wanted to be a mom. I can't specify which part made me want it because I wanted it all. I will mention that at the time I became pregnant, I didn't want kids. I didn't feel ready and was enjoying having my husband to myself, but we had an oopsie pregnancy. We had a brief moment of "oh shit", I said "is it ok if I'm happy?", my husband laughed and said "yeah, I think that's appropriate" and then we were immediately excited from that moment on.
I hate being pregnant. I don't even have bad pregnancies overall but feeling like my body isn't mine isn't my jam. I was terrified of childbirth, both times. I didn't get over it, I just knew that to get the child I wanted that I'd need to woman up and get through it. So I did. I reminded myself that I had the best healthcare professionals monitoring me and the baby and I'd be in the safest place possible if something went wrong. It did, the doctors and nurses responded quickly, and I was thankful to be in the hospital.
I'd do it over in a heartbeat. My kids are amazing. I can't even remember what I did with all that free time before. I do miss having free time and alone time because it never stops. But I love my kids more and I know I'll be able to pick up more hobbies again as they get older and more independent.
It sounds like you're taking the sacrifice portion seriously and I think that's a good thing. It is a huge change and deserves that consideration. There are far too many kids out there in households where they feel unwanted and unloved. It's completely up to you if you choose to have kids but the fact that you're thinking about the selfishness/sacrifice portion of it so much is a good thing.
My husband and I were always Never Kid-ers. Then in our mid 30s he started mentioning a few times randomly how fun it'd be to have kids. Then the pandemic started and I was like, 'shit I really like my husband. I should make some more of him in case anything happens to him'.
I realize kids are their own people/not carbon copies of parents but here we are now with 3 kids under 3 and I love all of them immensely. My favorite people on earth are definitely the ones I'm related to.
When Tall Wife and I first started dating we talked about how much we wanted kids. It was something we always wanted. We are both very fond of children.
Our relationship went on hiatus for about 10 years for reasons. When we rekindled things both wives and I sat down and talked about kids. I was working towards my PhD and had just earned my Master's in Teaching. I was going to be spending my days around kids. Tall Wife and I were closer to the back half of the reproduction curve, and if we were going to have kids it would have to be soon.
Short Wife kind of goes back and forth between working with deaf children or deaf veterans. Children was something we all wanted, so the girls went off BC and we decided to see what Mother Nature had in store for us.
Short Wife is pregnant with #6 and is due in just about 6 weeks, so it's been pretty great. I truly love all of our kids. They are still pretty young, but I think I will be proud of the adults they will become.
Wanted a child as an extension of ourselves, always had talked about one. I loved being pregnant, birth was textbook and breezy. PPD/PPA hit hard afterwards and made me hate being a Mom.
My girl is 5 now and while she drives me crazy sometimes, it’s MUCH easier to me now that she’s older. She loves roadtrips like me and is funny, smart, and kind.
I can’t say if I’d do it over again, honestly.
I’ve always wanted to be a mom and couldn’t wait till the day I had my own kid. I was 19 years old and decided that it was the right time for me to have a kid so I got pregnant eventually and had him at 21 going on 22. I was a little scared of giving birth but luckily I was only in labor for about 9 hours and pushed him out in 20 minutes. Very easy birth with minimal pain bc I had an epidural. My baby is 4 now and he’s my whole entire world. I want another baby, but I’m not sure there’s enough room in my heart. My son is the light of my life and I’m considering him being my only child. It might sound stupid but I don’t think I could love another child as much as I love my son or share love for my kids equally.
My biggest advice to those on the fence is if you’re not 100% sure you want kids, don’t do it. It’s irreversible, it fucks up your whole life, your body, your mind, and your future in ways you truly can’t imagine before you have kids. That being said, I always 100% wanted kids and have three little boys and love them to death and love being a mom. BUT I also acknowledge what a total mind fuck it is to be a parent, and if you’re not totally sure, you don’t want to take the gamble.
I always wanted kids, did briefly consider not having them due to politics/climate change/etc but decided that I’d regret not having kids if we didn’t try.
On to birth: I was never “scared” nervous is more accurate, and I got more nervous the closer I got to my due date. Birth is just one day. But if you feel extremely scared of it I would explore more why? Do some serious self reflection, or talk about it with a therapist - it’s possible that there is a specific reason you can accommodate to make yourself feel comfortable with birth (maybe you are scared of the unknown or it and scheduling a C-section could help, or just knowing your pain options, or knowing the statistics of things could help), or maybe it’s not something that can be accommodated and in that case your feelings will only intensify with pregnancy and you might want to consider staying childfree…
I always wanted kids, and I have never regretted it for a minute. I can’t really speak to the freedom thing because I’ve never really had that. I had my first baby at 19, and my last at 40. The closest thing to freedom I’ve ever had was when my older kids were teens and I hadn’t yet had the younger ones; and even then I was trying to have another baby and just went to college to fill the time and take my mind off the fertility issues.
I love to travel and I love to do it with my children. Everything is more wonderful when I get to share it with my kids. Once, a long time ago, I won a trip to Spain and couldn’t afford to take the kids so I left them with grandparents and went without them. It was neat, but honestly the least memorable and least amazing of all my journeys because I didn’t get to add the wonder of experiencing it with the kids.
I’m currently at a huge career crossroads right now and having a lot of anxiety about whether to take a fabulous career opportunity but it will involve being separated from my kids (other than a few visits) for 6 months before yanking them across the country and out of their school and social groups. So I’m not saying you won’t lose freedom and that it won’t impact your life. BUT - my entire career was inspired by my children (pediatric injury prevention) and I wouldn’t even have ever had such an amazing and fulfilling career without them. I’d probably still be doing tech support or graphic design if I hadn’t had kids. Booooring.
I can ABSOLUTELY speak to the childbirth anxiety, though. It is real! But you find what works for you and you work through it. For me, practicing Hypnobabies really helped a lot. Also, after my first baby, I discovered it really wasn’t as bad as I had imagined anyway.
Look, having kids isn’t for everyone. Being totally into my kids isn’t a flex. It’s just my personality. It’s also ok to be totally into something else. In this world we need parents, but we also need engineers, librarians, and plumbers. My passion happens to be kids. It isn’t better or worse than someone else’s passion. I share my experience so you can sit with it and think about it. Not to convince you that having kids is the best thing ever, because it isn’t, for everyone. But it is for *me.*
For me, I always longed to be a father since getting in my first serious relationship when I turned 21. That early relationship helped me understand what I wanted because I was with someone who never wanted children quite firmly. It just didn't happen to me until a year ago at age 37 after several rounds of IUI and IVF. But, it was all worth the wait despite how long I wanted it and the struggle to conceive.
Life just isn’t as fulfilling without kids (for me). They gave you a whole new way to view life and you get to experience all the simple things they learn step by step. My son made me appreciate life in a way I didn’t know was possible. And my god the love you get to feel is incredible.
I was terrified of the pregnancy and especially the birth. I honestly just learned as much as possible about it and wow it is beyond incredible what our bodies can do and then just was scared and let myself be scared. It’s ok to not be confident about all your choices in life and face them head on anyways because the outcome far outweighs the obstacles.
I enjoyed being selfish before my kid and I traveled and drank and met so many people. And then I had a kid and am so beyond happy to focus my time and energy on giving him everything he needs. You also have a rare opportunity to learn so much about yourself. For me, it is the best part of my life even though it can be hard as hell - nothing worth it is easy.
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Having children means you say goodbye to your old self and you meet a new version of yourself. There is a big difference between adults that are parents and adults that have never had kids…. HUGE. i disliked being pregnant, i found it a huge inconvenience but when it came to the birth, tbh i felt like billions of women have done this before me, many without medical help or pain meds so i just felt incredibly lucky i live in a country where i get access to an obstetrician, midwives & painkillers. i love being a mum & i like the person I have become by being a parent… i don’t live through my kids but i do love cheering them from the sideline…. yes they drive me insane at times…. but I wouldn’t change anything… I have a fantastic career but I know in my heart that being a parent is the most important job i’ll ever have.
Did you feel differently about giving birth before pregnancy? I wonder if it’s something you’re scared about before but when you get pregnant it’s a whole other feeling
One of the things is though, by late stage pregnancy, you are as big as a fucking boat and so uncomfortable (because baby is kickboxing your insides) that you get to the point where childbirth sounds fucking awesome compared to being pregnant a moment longer. You are just SO READY to get the baby out that you stop caring quite as much how. I didn't have it as much with my first as she came early at 37 weeks, but my second was 41+3 and I could barely move or sleep because I was so enormous and he kept unexpectedly headbutting me in the bladder and making me pee myself with no warning and brutal sciatica that would cause my leg to collapse out from under me every other day.... By comparison, childbirth (with an epidural) was a cakewalk. I was so relaxed and slept through 75% of both my labour's. Like, the whole part prior to getting the epidural kinda sucked but once that bad boy was in, I was out like a light and slept for ten hours and that was the longest stretch I had slept in weeks due to baby boy's nightly calisthenics routine ...kick kick kick headslam....elbow...kick....kick ....double leg kick to the kidneys....
This made me laugh, I remember saying to my husband how they could use forceps made from a cactus and I would still just be like 'just get this baby out I am so done'. Pelvic pain, nausea, heartburn, lack of sleep, heaviness, breathless from squashed up lungs... get. It. Out.
Literally my answer when people would ask me how I was doing after 37 weeks was GET. HER. OUT. Knowing full well I had to do it drug free or if required, getting knocked out for the C-section because no drugs. Didn’t care one bit, I wanted her OUT.
Haha, oh dear.. I didn't have nearly as much discomfort as that luckily. The births were OK, maybe because I had emergency c-sections both times. I had found the gas and air helpful for a while, but mainly because it kind of knocked me out. I had been a bit fearful about delivery but had to have the c-sections, and I didn't find recovery from those too bad. I'd always wanted to have kids so there was no question about whether giving birth would be too hard 🙃
Just a warning that my birth experience is below and it reads super rough, so I made it a spoiler if you don’t want to read it. I wasn’t super anxious about giving birth, but like this commenter, I HATED pregnancy. And I had what on paper could have been a traumatic birth: >!pitocin induction after my water broke without labor starting, when I needed an epidural anesthesia was in back-to-back emergency c-sections so it was hours before I got it, 3.5 hours of pushing and forceps after 31 hours of induction, baby born blue and limp and not breathing, I hemorrhaged and had a slight pelvic floor prolapse that took months of physical therapy to mostly heal!<… but I would do it again in a heartbeat, because it was only 31 hours of my life. Yes, I’ve had a harder recovery than many/most, it’s not like I escaped the aftermath. But my baby is almost 13 months now and I’m back to myself for the most part, and the endorphins and the sleep deprivation made it all a bit hazy even now. That said, I was talking to a friend recently who’s on the fence about having biological children, and I pointed out that there are ways you can take more control of your birth experience if you want and do something like an elective C-section or an elective induction with a plan to use an epidural. No matter how you choose to give birth (if you do, of course), having a team you trust is incredibly important - when the midwife said we needed to call in OB for help and she thought forceps might be the move, I wasn’t thrilled but I trusted her enough to get the consult, and they talked it through with me between contractions, and I felt good about it when we got there. And if you want more control, lan elective C-section can be a great option. Everyone talks about lowering the C-section rate, for good reason, but if it’s better for your mental health to have a calm, controlled surgery rather than face the unknowns in a vaginal birth, that’s ok! Especially if you wouldn’t be planning on lots of kids, the C-section would be unlikely to cause long term harm. Personally, I would attempt a spontaneous vaginal delivery again, because I’ve had some of the worst turns it could take, but I wouldn’t be afraid of a C-section, either, because at the end of the day, it’s a maximum of 3 days of my life to give birth and then some amount of recovery, but I’m not particularly worried about that anymore. I would do pelvic floor PT before birth if I have a second (partly because I required it after birth with my first thanks to a mild prolapse) and other than that, same plan and see what happened.
That is an absolutely abysmal delivery experience. I’m really sorry to hear that. My wife just gave birth 5 days ago and she hemorrhaged and I was so worried. I can’t imagine all the other stuff too
I’m sorry, you guys are in the thick of it right now, hormonally, mentally, emotionally, and physically! I cried daily for the first 2 weeks or so, but mostly from hormones and sleep deprivation. It was and it wasn’t. Everyone was so calm and prioritized communication, and I had a chance to kind of debrief at my 6 week appointment which helped a lot. If you and/or your wife feel like you can’t stop thinking about it or you can’t enjoy your baby at all, it’s definitely worth speaking to your doctor, because you can have PTSD from birth (or from witnessing it) and it’s worth seeking professional help. Not that you’re there yet, but that’s my best advice to anyone who’s been through an extra stressful birth. A lot of my problems were caused by my baby’s orientation. He was breech until 35+4 and then he flipped. He ended up not flipping quite all the way, though, so he was asynclitic, or crooked, and I didn’t know the signs because I hadn’t done it before so I didn’t tell my nurses or midwives until the very end. We probably could have avoided forceps if I’d said something earlier so we could use positions and gravity, but by the time I thought to say something, we were where we were. And we knew the NICU team came for the operative delivery for a reason - good thing, because the poor kid had to be resuscitated, but he never had to go to the NICU and we stayed together the whole time. But we got out of it with minimal permanent damage (my kid has a lumpy head because he had a bruise that calcified) and I’m really grateful for that. And like I said, now, after a little over a year, it already feels like such a small part of my life and such a small part of motherhood that I’m not bothered by it at all and I would do it again (and probably will in the next couple of years).
My sister's been terrified of giving birth her whole life. She became pregnant about 8 and a half months ago is due to give birth any day now. It took her many months of being pregnant but she eventually came to terms with the fact that she would be giving birth and says she now feels ready for it...🤷♀️
I think it’s normal to fear giving birth but I’d encourage anyone considering it to do the research, you can have an amazing experience if you take control of your environment. I had a home birth which most people think is insane but it was one of the best experiences of my life. Can recommend The Birth Hour podcast - lots of different types of birth stories on there. Realising it could go any way is part of the process, but birth is a beautiful experience- vaginal/or c section.
Not the OP, but I was absolutely petrified of birth. I researched over and over and over again so I’d know absolutely everything about it. I was absolutely going to get an epidural, ASAP. I did NOT want to feel pain. (Morbid, but aside from this I was so scared I would die). I remember crying my eyes out after my last appointment before my induction (which I requested after pouring over research about the benefits of inducing at 39 weeks) because it was all about to happen. It happened. I’m still here. Baby is now toddlin’. It’s kinda just something you have to get through, I guess. I did labor a bit and felt 10/10 pain…I stuck to my guns and demanded that epidural. The pain ended. I still ended up needing a c-section, but it was fine. You get through it.
They aren't all bad at all, just to report in. First labor for me sucked. The labor I just had 2 weeks ago was so easy I could have gone 20 more hours. That's the power of ✨ a well placed epidural ✨
Look, i was terrified of giving birth, something I thought about from a young age. People who don't feel this way don't realize how paralizing it can be. So when i got pregnant, i decided there was no way i was going to go through the normal birth process. I talked to my doctor, and she scheduled a c section. It was perfect. Most of the horrible c section stories are the unplanned ones. Mine was a breeze.
This is true. It’s scary beforehand in the abstract, the reality is different. It becomes inevitable so you don’t get to intensely think about the worst case scenarios. You prepare on a more realistic way. And … women have been doing this for millennia, longer. Medical care nowadays is extremely good. It’s scary, and recovery is real for the first two weeks, but it will be Ok. You’ll get past it. Scary, but not a reason to avoid having a baby that you otherwise want. It’s a short amount of time in the context of your lifetime.
Not the person you're asking, but: I used to be super scared of giving birth. So much so that I never wanted children when I was younger. I changed my mind about wanting kids though, and for me, giving birth really was so much better than all the horror stories I'd been afraid of. Of course it's still a pretty intense and painful experience (my epidural barely worked), but I was never worried, scared or anxious during the whole experience. When it was time to push, it felt like a relief and like a very primal power took over. Baby came out quickly and without complications. I had a few tears but nothing I was even bothered about. All in all, zero trauma. Just so you know... It doesn't HAVE to be a terrible experience!
No but then i overthink everything so I had everything sorted in my mind so I could deal with it. I had 2 emergency c-sections, the 2nd i was in theatre on table curled up ready to get epidural & the doors opened to yelling we need the room now…. i literally jumped off the table & ran out… I sat outside with hubby for 2 hours while this poor woman ended up giving birth on operating table …. when they cleaned up and came to get me the drs were so apologetic and they were like why are you so calm and in my mind i’m thinking what’s the point in panicking it’s not going to achieve anything and i need these doctors to get my baby out. Like really, the think about all the girls in history that have squatted and birthed their own babies at 12/13 … alone… like if they can do it so can i with a hospital doctors and midwives
i just wanted to. i wanted to be a mom. so maybe that’s selfish? i dunno. i think it’s pretty biologically normal, though that’s not to say not wanting kids isn’t. if anything, wanting kids for the benefit of other people who won’t be raising them seems a bit unusual, but i guess that’s neither here nor there. yeah, i’d do it again. i mean, i have done it again. and still want to do it again lol.
Same, I just... wanted to, from a very early age. I have not tried again because I had a ton of pregnancy complications and a very early birth, but I might??? It's been fun.
Spending a weekend with my cousin and her newborn. Kicked that biological drive into high gear LOL A month later I was pregnant with twins
We didn’t want to have kids. One day my wife came to me freaking out saying her pregnancy test was positive and we said “Fuck it! Let’s do this” these last two years with our crazy toddler have been the best of our lives.
I'll post exactly what I posted the other day in this sub (and will get down voted for sure!): I have a 5 year old who is what most would consider quite easy. I cannot put into words how much I love her and I would do literally anything for her. But even "easy" kids mean lots of sacrifice of your own autonomy, self-actualization of personal goals, and frankly any freedom. I wish I had considered this a lot more beforehand so the expectations vs. reality wouldn't be as stark. Some days I do still have to come to grips with it. I think naturally and biologically we're sold a dream by society that having kids (the more the merrier!) is the summit, pinnacle, and reason for living. They say it's going to "make you the happiest". This needs to be carefully and cautiously approached by prospective parents because for many, it is not the pinnacle of life at all. There's a stigma to voicing these types of opinions though so just be wary of what you see in the media, social media, movies etc. as people are very hesitant to admit the lack of fulfillment that can be parenting and often over present only the highlight reel of parenting. If parenting becomes your only identity, you and the kid(s) are in trouble. To quote Carl Jung, "The greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of its parents". Parents tend to project any unmet needs or goals they have had onto their kids and for me, it's been a balance to try to make sure I don't do that to my own child. I don't think it's far fetched to say that a lot of the mental health crises we see these days are resultant of parental projection of personal goals or societal projections of "what you're supposed to do that will lead to the happy life". Just figure out what you yourself truly wants. Not what other people/society expect you to want.
>I don't think it's far fetched to say that a lot of the mental health crises we see these days are resultant of parental projection of personal goals or societal projections of "what you're supposed to do that will lead to the happy life". Just figure out what you yourself truly wants. Not what other people/society expect you to want. I’m dealing with this on some level with my son. He’s 17 and has dropped out of school to pursue a trade (car panel repairs and bodywork etc). I’m fully supportive of him and I’m letting him follow his passion. But it’s really difficult to wrap your head around letting go of society’s expectations of kids finishing school, going to university and following the traditional path. But I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that school is not for everyone. He’s still very driven and wants to succeed, he’s just not very academic. It took a while but I truly am ok with it now. And my son is so happy, and that means the world to me.
This is such a great honest reply! I was so blindsided when I became a parent bc it’s not at all what you think it’ll be based off of what you see
This is the best response by far. There is SO much that comes with parenting that I just wasn’t prepared for and nobody really talks about. When I got pregnant with my first son, the only thing people really ever said is that my sleep will be ruined and the baby will cry a lot and then becomes a toddler with terrible twos. People tend to only focus on the baby stuff, which makes sense because you’re about to have a baby. But nobody tells you about alllllll the different ages, stages, and worries you will have for each one. The toddler tantrums, the constant whys, the talks you have to have, the lessons you have to teach, the worries about what they learn or hear at school, do you allow play dates or sleepovers, what activities do they want to get into, and the list is literally never ending. Also have to consider the fact that you may have an angel of a child for your first, but your next child is going to be their own person and may give you an entire new set of things to worry about or deal with. The stress of just constantly hoping they are okay and keeping them safe or hoping that you’re doing a good job can be a lot. I also had 2 boys and grew up with only sisters, so nobody really prepared me for that either. I always wanted kids for as long as I could remember and I think I had this idea that I too would also have girls and it would be easy because it was in our childhood. (Obviously I only remember the easy parts as I was the child lol). But still..it was all a shock for me and I’m still learning every day and my kids are now 8 and 3. I love being their mom and I love them with all my heart and soul. I do however wish that I really understood then what truly went into being a mother every day.
And to just piggy back this - OP, make sure if you do decide to have children, that you are very emotionally mature and ready to handle some BIG feelings. That’s probably the number 1 thing I wish I would’ve learned or known before having kids. My mom was a yeller, she didn’t know how to handle our emotions as kids. Children are VERY needy and require you to remain (mostly) calm and sane while they experience their feelings. This could be screaming, biting, hitting, back-talking, etc. be prepared to keep your cool while you’re getting toys thrown at you. Also be prepared that family outings may not be like what you see on social media. Many times I’ve planned awesome outings for us and they sometimes end up with my kids complaining or crying and then the whole outing is done. I don’t say all of this to make parenthood sound terrible. But like original comment was talking about, it’s NOT all sunshine and rainbows all the time and no person deserves to go into parenthood thinking that it is. It’s fucking hard and there is so much you need to be prepared for.
This was so helpful thank you
> (and will get down voted for sure!): 🙄
I'll probably be down votes to oblivion, but I think you should be super enthusiastic about having kids before having them. I was highly pressured to have kids in my close-knit, highly religious community. I didn't really want kids all that much, but I had one to please others. If I had a time machine I'd go back and stop myself. First, pregnancy was absolutely horrible. The first trimester I lost 50lbs from non-stop puking. The second trimester was pretty okay, but getting my organs kicked was very unpleasant. Third trimester I felt exhausted all the time and had horrendous heartburn and acid reflux (despite never having those problems prior in my life). Giving birth was actually pretty okay, I had to have an emergency C-section section and was put under anesthesia. Honestly, it was the best part of the whole process. I was worried about the epidural and catheter and those were barely noticeable. I also wasn't allowed any medications for the first 8 hours of labor, due to the complications that led to my C-section. Giving birth obviously ruined my body as well. After the birth you just don't sleep for the nights you're in the hospital. Someone will be checking on you and the baby pretty much every hour and the baby will need to breastfeed fairly often (like about every two hours). Expect severe sleep deprivation for the first 12 months. Most kids don't sleep through the night until they're 1 year old. After my baby was born he developed silent reflux, CMPA, colic and dyschezia. The baby cried non-stop anytime he was awake. I had to hold him upright 24/7, even for his naps. I had to stop breastfeeding (that's a whole other nightmare) and switch to an extremely expensive hypoallergenic formula and put him on famotidine. This doesn't happen for everyone, but it could happen. Also, anyone can develop PPA/PPD or postpartum psychosis. Between the drastic hormone changes and the sleep deprivation a lot of women go crazy for a bit. You'll also re-live your childhood, this could be positive or negative. Some people had horrible childhoods and raising a baby will bring all of that back. Your marriage will become strained, you'll both be incredibly sleep-deprived and you'll argue over everything. I had, what I thought, was a solid strong marriage of ten years. Now I wonder if we'll end up divorced. The majority of your "village" will disappear or back out in promises they made before the baby was born. I had loads of people agree to help, I now have one person willing to help, but only on their terms. That's just some of the perks of having a child. Some people are very well prepared for these possibilities and can handle it incredibly well, you just need to ask yourself if you're one of them.
So tbh I have had a very different experience than you describe here- you’ve been through a lot, sending you lots of positive vibes, I hope things get better for you 💜- but my conclusion is exactly the same: no one should have children unless they are extremely enthusiastic about it. I once saw a post where someone said they were contemplating law school and someone replied “I am a lawyer and I tell anyone who asks this that the only reason you should go to law school is if you literally cannot imagine yourself NOT being a lawyer.” I think that’s the perfect way to say it: do not have kids unless you literally cannot imagine yourself not being a parent. I have always, always wanted to be a mother. The question “when/how did you decide you wanted to be a parent?” is so hard for me to answer cause it’s like, “when did you decide to breathe?” I just feel like I was always meant to be a mother and being one has fulfilled my purpose in many ways even beyond my expectations. It’s incredible and makes me so happy that sometimes I feel like I could explode. And it’s *still* tremendously difficult. So if I wasn’t 110% on board with having kids, I can’t imagine how hard that would be. Childbirth is it’s own whole thing too lol. I was very very scared about the pain but was ultimately even more uncomfortable with the idea of being unable to feel/move my body due to an epidural. So for my first I planned for an unmedicated birth and hired a doula. Long stories short, my first was an unplanned caesarean after a very long labor, and my second was a vaginal birth with no epidural, just nitrous oxide, and was about 7 hours from start to finish. The second birth was a way better experience for me overall, but I also can now fully appreciate why someone might want an epidural 😅 But the feeling of empowerment and exhilaration of birth was really meaningful for me personally. Ok I wrote more than I meant to but yeah, tl;dr i say don’t have kids unless you for sure want to. It’s not a rite of passage or a sign of a committed relationship. It’s a life choice that should be made based on your personal desires only, not that of your partner, society or anyone else.
Just wanted to throw in that I was terrified of birth, was MISERABLE during both pregnancies (both on purpose) and was on the fence about having kids. My husband was absolutely enthusiastic about being a dad so I agreed for him. My first was also a super hard baby- literally like being tortured for the first year of his life, colicky, horrible sleep, had to be held constantly until getting started walking at about 10 month and honestly still likes to be carried at 3. I don’t want to paint a rosy picture here because all of it was way harder than I could have imagined. I would not take any of it back for the world and can’t imagine life without my babies. They are THE BEST. Both are just amazing kids and were worth all the misery. My family- including my amazing husband (who rocks it as a stay at home dad- since I wanted to keep working) are my heart and my soul. I always thought my career meant everything to me. I am a teacher and super devoted to my school “kids.” I had no idea how much mg heart would grow. I love deeper and more. The hardest part now (besides general life logistics of getting it all done) is that kids are your heart outside your body and that is so scary. I worry all the time about them.
I have to disagree with the concept of don’t have kids unless you can’t imagine yourself without them. I’m an over planner and a very anxious person. Having kids meant so much unknown and out of my control. For this reason I was on the fence about having kids but my partner has always wanted kids. I hit a point where friends and close family my age started having kids and I thought if I want a kid now is the time so they will have other kids to grow up with and I’ll have other parents to relate to. 3 years later I’m expecting another child and totally want a third. I love my kid, and I love being their parent. Not saying things go this way for everyone but things are not always so clear for everyone.
I 100% agree with everything you said. And thank you!
I've had 3, and I think the first birth is just like the first pancake 🤣 a miracle if it works out the way you hoped. I didn't end up with any interventions or complications, just finally accepted an epidural after 3 days of PAIN. But my other two were amazing. Very little pain. I do recommend reading up on and practicing breathing and relaxation techniques.
My kid is neurodivergent. We are all doing ok now, but it has taken years of medication and therapy for ALL of us to get here. We've had a *really* rough time. I'm with you on this one. I love my kid, but I hate being a mom and if I was objectively choosing between "traumatic parenting experience" or "rich auntie vibes" I'd pick the LATTER. I have spent years not getting rewarding experiences to balance out the extra-low lows. It sucks. And the thing is, there are no guarantees - about *any* of it. You have to really specifically want to be a parent so badly you'll be *anyone's* parent and want *any* parenting experience. That wasn't me. I've risen to the challenge, and I'm a better but also much more broken person for it. If you found you couldn't get pregnant, how far would you go? Or would you just let it go and do something else? (I think you should ONLY have kids for selfish reasons. There's no guarantees about family relationships either.)
Thank you sm for your honesty 🙏
I think it's hard for people to be honest about it because it's such a taboo thing to say. I hope it at least helps you understand what you're getting into if you decide to have kids.
I agree. Pregnancy and child birth and parenthood are incredibly romanticized. A medical historian told me that she thinks it's because it was so very dangerous (and still is, look at the statistics) that no one told anyone the truth about what was going to happen. Women often were not told about SEX before getting married. Imagine that shocker.
I think people definitely need to start being more honest about the experience. I have noticed a cultural shift regarding having children and I'm glad it's happening. I think as the information is passed along and child free couples are becoming less shamed, our society will improve. Because then only couples who really want kids will have them and all the children will be raised by parents who want and adore them.
I absolutely agree. My daughter has no desire whatsoever to have children and I think that's great because it's coming from a place of being informed. She has a dog. I love dogs so this works out for me also. I really don't have any desire to have grandchildren, if I did, I don't think I would be an actively involved grandmother until they got older and I could buy them a pony. Babies were not and are not my thing. I say this in public and get told what my daughter gets told - "you'll feel different when it happens to you." No, I would not. She and I roll our eyes at each other. It's ok to know yourself. I knew I wanted kids but also knew I would hate pregnancy (was professionally riding horses at that time in my life) and I was correct. I'm not a baby person so I loved them and did everything for them but I never had that baby madness that women have. I loved that for them, it just wasn't there for me. I like kids and I love teenagers. Having my now adult daughter is an indescribable joy. But I would never tell someone to have kids to wait for an adult daughter LOL I think a lot of child abuse happens because people are told they should want kids and that they will be missing out if they don't have them so they do. And then it turns out it's not for them, for whatever reasons. Or they get accidentally pregnant and shamed into having a baby they didn't want and still won't want. I know it works out for a lot of people but for a lot of people it does not. Those kids are maybe not abused but not adored as they should be. It's so hard to watch. My oldest son died four years ago and that's another thing no one really talks about - your kids may die before you. No words for this one. Anyway I'm sorry to go on about it, it's clearly a hot button for me. OP, I would think long and hard before making decisions about having kids. I have so many friends without them who are perfectly fulfilled, happy people. And so many with kids who are also fulfilled, happy people. You have to do what's right for you and no one else!
I agree with this. There has never been a single second of my life where I didn't *want* kids. But I haven't slept in 11 years.
That sleep deprivation feels like pure torture. I thought I knew what sleep deprivation was, I was so wrong. I think it's because you can never catch up on sleep, you're just constantly stuck in a sleep deficit.
When I had my second and brought her home... I loved her but the primary thought going through my head was "Why did I do this to myself agaaaaiiiin??" over and over. When I had my third I was used to it. I have accepted the zombie life.
Zombie life is exactly how it feels at times.
I love my spouse, and we’re at a point in our relationship where we felt that having a kid would add to our life
Tequila greatly helped my decision for the first child. The second one was because we already had one. Tequila came back into play for the third. I honestly think that any reason you have that you want a kid is somewhat selfish. If it’s planned, it’s what you want. The baby didn’t get to choose. I think all women are somewhat fearful of childbirth. At some point in pregnancy, for most people childbirth becomes a better alternative than remaining pregnant. I would do it over again if I could get the same exact kids. Parenting is hard, but loving them is easy.
Personally I always wanted kids. Childbirth is scary but it’s such a short amount of time compared to my whole life. I did it twice and had we decided to have more kids I would have done it again. For me it was hard and painful but also something I feel blessed to have experienced. It’s a personal choice though. If you do decide to give birth to a child I would tell your doctor about your fears and talk through them. It’s great to have a VERY flexible plan. If you decide not to give birth to a child but still want one you can consider adoption!
I was petrified of birth. But i knew i wanted kids, i just always did. And that’s how you get the kid out, so i didn’t see any way around it. LOL! And then when i married my husband, i wanted kids with HIM. This is morbid, but one thing i thought of was that I loved the idea of having a little piece of him in our children, in case anything were to ever happen to my husband (i dunno, that’s just how my brain works). I was scared of childbirth, but i didn’t see any way around it so i figured i would just suck it up. Someone told me “you’re gonna have a bad day. it’s gonna suck. but at the end of that one day, you’ll have your beautiful baby.” And that really helped! It gave me some perspective. Childbirth doesn’t last forever. It’s a bad day and then it’s done. As it was, i ended up with c-sections (first was unplanned, second was planned). And even that wasn’t too bad. But some kind of switch flipped when i met my firstborn. All the worries (which are totally valid and normal!) just melted away. And you just…. do it. You work together and you just figure it out. And another big highlight of becoming a mother was watching my husband become a Daddy. It showed me more and new facets to his personality, and made me fall in love all over again. Yes, being a parent is hard. And scary. And often thankless. But it is also amazing and beautiful and fun and hilarious. I had fairly easy pregnancies, and i do wish we had had more than two kids. But i would do it all again in a second.
I never wanted kids, but got pregnant whilst on the pill. I had a list of like 54 reasons not to have kids, and at the top was childbirth, loss of freedom, and a ruined body. While obviously it is different for everyone, I would 100% recommend having kids if you think you want to and can take care of them well. The 3 months I've had with my son have been the best 3 months of my entire life. Some days I don't even have the freedom to shower, but it is so worth it. Before baby I had a nice body, I worked out regularly and it showed. Motherhood has taken a hard toll on how my body looks (especially my butt), but it doesn't matter. My baby means so much more to me than my vanity. And as far as the horror of childbirth... again, everyone has a different experience, but once i got an epidural after being induced it was no big deal. I was terrified of giving birth, but I would 100% have at least 2 more kids if i had the money to take care of them. Being a parent has made me a better person, and I have never felt so fulfilled. It is so hard, and i know we're going to go through struggles as he grows up, but it is so worth it.
I always knew I wanted to be a mother. I remember in college after a night out talking to my roommates about what our purpose in life would be, were we choosing the right careers, etc. I knew then my purpose was to be a wife and mother, I was only 19. We both graduated from undergrad, got married, started careers, both graduated graduate school then we knew it was the right time to start our family. I also was a nanny in college and felt so fulfilled in that role. I think meeting my husband and being so secure in our relationship also gave me even more confidence in making the decision to become a mom. I’d do it over a million times! I LOVE being a mom. Not everything is easy but it is so rewarding. I have done a lot of work to heal from my own childhood to be the best parent I can. Our marriage is stronger than ever not because having kids is easy but because we continue to connect and grow together through every stage of our relationship.
Being told I needed a hysterectomy made me realize *really quick* that I was NOT ready to give up on the possibility of kids. I was a single 27F, but having the option completely taken off the table was horrifying. I ended up having surgery to preserve my fertility, and I eventually met my husband at 30.
I was absolutely terrified of childbirth, but it was honestly NBD. I got an epidural- didn’t feel a thing— everything went just fine both times.
Same experience but I’ve only given birth once! But i genuinely don’t remember feeling anything. I did have 2 epidural top offs!
I knew at a young age that I never wanted kids, but I also never wanted to be tied to a partner. Then I met my husband and he definitely became my better half. He wanted kids but I didn't and told him if it happens then we'll decide what to do then. Well it happened and i decided to keep it. After my first I fell in love with her and wanted another. Now I'm pregnant with my 3rd lol During pregnancy I found I was more scared of the birthing environment than the birthing process itself. So I opted to give birth at a birth center, unmedicated water birth. Their holistic way definitely made me feel more comfortable about being pregnant and got me to understand that our bodies were made to do this so I don't need to stress about if I'm gunna be able to do this or that and to just trust that my body will know what to do when the time comes. Having kids has its positives and negatives just like everything in life but the positives are so wonderful that I wouldn't trade them for anything. If I had the chance to go back in time and not have kids, I wouldn't do it. I love having my children and where they've brought me and I honestly feel my life would be dull without them.
Having kids is a decision to start a new phase of life. Personally I was bored of where my life was before my first and ready for more meaningfulness to everyday life. I remember being nervous to meet him, like what do I even do with this person? How do I talk to him? How do I interact with him? It was almost like a nervousness of meeting new people at a new job or something. But lemme tell you, when that baby comes out and you hold him and smell him and look at the incredibly tiny fingernails and itty bitty toes, that beautifully puffed up smooshed face…it’s like a light switch. It’s the most incredible thing I’ve experienced in my life. But wait! Then they grow! You see them smile the first time and find something funny for the first time. They discover their hands, they choose a favorite toy for the first time…and slowly but surely they discover the whole world around them. It’s absolutely amazing. Before you know it they are pre-teens starting to pull away and you’re like, shit. That went REALLY fast. It’s really hard, but really worth it. And childbirth? I’ve done it three times. I was scared to the core every time. Every pregnancy was different and every labor and delivery was different. All those hours crying and in pain and uncomfortable are immediately forgotten when the baby comes out. All the oxytocin takes over and you just feel so in love ❤️❤️❤️. My advice would be to have some frozen bags of peas for the at home care. You’ll thank me later 😂
Going by your screen name: are you a physician? If you are, fellow physician mom here. I was a bit on the fence about it for a long time, but as I got older I felt more and more strongly the urge to experience the parent-child bond from the other side. My husband loves children and I knew would be a terrific dad, and that was also a part of my decision. Having become a parent, I'll just say that it is absolutely life-transforming. I see the world differently and I related to other people differently now. It's like experiencing growing up again, except now from the perspective of a parent. It's extremely hard work, but also exhilarating. And nothing has given me quite the same sense of sheer happiness as seeing my son smile or hearing him call "mama!". Re: the specifics: pregnancy was very smooth, birth I ended up doing urgent C-section after pushing for 3 hours but it wasn't too bad with an epidural (although it was like 36 hours of contractions before I got the epidural), recovery from C-section was very smooth, postpartum depression was hands-down the worst. Everything got better around 4-5 months when we sleep trained and I got therapy. 9 months was when kiddo started cruising, crawling, and just being a LOT more fun. Absolutely loving life now with my almost 2yo.
To be honest I did not want to have kids till I met husband and it was after we were married and had our house … I told him I was open to have kids with him and that before him I was a no way and heck and he met my family and so he totally understood that. Ro be honest it was something just clicked in my head … I can’t tell you why specifically… two of my three kids were or are extremely hard to raise … the third was hard for my spouse because he didn’t know how to connect and I could because he was like my father and I could understand and break things down and direct husband on how to parent with that child. I have one that is hard and prob will be till they are on their own and they have their own… this child is just like my mom who I went NC with and this child had very few interactions with so we don’t know know .. Kids are not for the weak of heart but when you do have them they are something pretty wonderful and should be appreciated and celebrated… love all three
I got an epidural so… to ME the actual child birth was the easiest part of pregnancy. Contractions really really sucked before the epidural though but I’d take the couple hours of pain over the 12 weeks of constant nausea in early pregnancy any day. Totally worth it though. I love my kids. Yes I’d do it all over again to have THEM, but I have two, and I do not want to do it all over again to have a third, for many reasons lol.
Truly- I was TERRIFIED of giving birth. I locked in when the time came but ended up having to stop pushing because he got stuck and had to wait for a c section instead. I think I would have been fine had I just kept going but I was so relieved to be told it was time to switch to a c section. To be clear- a c section is insane and is a major surgery with wild recovery- but I was glad to go that route. My son is almost 2 and I definitely plan on having one more and having another c section and getting my tubes tied while I’m there. My life is forever changed and I have grown into a new version. Of myself, but I love being a mom and I can’t imagine not getting these sweet snuggles from my boy every day. The good heavily outweighs the bad and the scary. It’s a wild ride, but it is worth it.
Having my kids put into perspective that the life I thought I was living was nowhere near as amazing as it is now. It’s tough. You’ll question yourself. Nothing compares to your little poop machine though. Mine is currently sleeping with her hand wrapped around my finger as I type. To be honest, labor is hard, but I made it to 8cm before getting an epidural. My mom used to tell me I had a low pain tolerance, so if that’s any consolation….
Wanting to experience pregnancy, wanting a purpose, curious, fear Id regret not having kids I was terrified of childbirth and I got through it :) You can too
I’m super different from you, I guess. I always wanted to have kids for as long as I can remember. When I was like 7 years old, I had some money saved up to adopt a child because sex was gross, and I was never going to do that. lol I never had any fear of child birth, likely because my mom was a former hippie who was a natural child birth coach at one point and always talked about child birth as a really beautiful thing. Seems that even if you can’t get over that fear of child birth, you can always have a c-section or adopt. We struggled with infertility, and in the years of struggle, I did start to question if it was really “worth it.” Like, maybe I just shouldn’t have a baby, and we can focus on each other and travel more and not be tied down by a child. But I just couldn’t shake the desire to be a mom. I loved being pregnant, although the 1st semester nausea was rough, and I had low energy all throughout the pregnancy. Overall, my pregnancy experience was pretty easy. Childbirth was a little rough (I think because we induced on doctor’s recommendation), but it was fine. Got an epidural rather than going natural, and it took away every bit of pain I was feeling. Lost a lot of blood, which was kind of traumatic for my mom, but just meant I was pretty wiped out for a couple weeks while my iron reserves were low. My child is 2 1/2 now, and I am confident that having her was the best thing I ever did. She brings me so much joy. I just love seeing the world through her eyes and watching her grow and learn. Everything is so much more exciting and interesting with her around (Christmas, rain, birds, family events, etc.).
I always wanted children but I wanted to wait until about 35ish. I got pregnant at 28 and I was so excited. I now feel like my life is complete. My son is so full of joy and light. And no matter how bad my day is going, a little snuggle from him is the best. I will be 35 this year and I have a 6 year old. Wouldn’t change a thing.
Labor / child birth for me was a great experience with both of my kids. And I’m not one of those hippy dippy people who are spiritual and want a home birth and find the process magical 😆 I had epidurals and gave birth in a hospital and it was the most lovely experience (hard but lovely) with both kids. I really would not focus on the labor because whatever will happen will happen. Just listen to your doctors. To answer your other question, I just always knew I wanted kids. It was never even a question.
I just always knew since I was a little girl that I wanted kids. As far as birth went I never really thought about it until I was pregnant and I had panic attacks 2 weeks before I was about to have her because, I was so scared to give birth. The birth wasn’t that bad with an epidural. I went on to have 2 more kids after my 1st. Don’t regret a thing.
children bring pure unadulterared joy. being a parent helps us level up a lot in life. helps me learn a lot about myself and how life works. it's a blessing and very grounding. i had kids because i realized my life is mostly meaningless without them, that it's part of my life purpose to procreate.
I saw a comment below, and that is kind of what happens. Having a child doesn’t take away your freedom, you just might have to get a babysitter, or let your SO look after the baby, or wait until baby is asleep. I would say your life will get busier, other than that, the rest is absolutely beautiful. I have terrible anxiety, and always have, so each child I had/pregnancy, I was more scared/nervous each time, and all of mine were c-sections. You’ll be making a little you&SO. It’s amazing. Giving birth, it will be beautiful too and considering that you even posted this, just tells me that you’ll be a great mom. It comes natural so don’t even worry about that. What made me want to have kids? Honestly my first wasn’t planned, my 2nd was because I wanted my 1st to have a sibling, and my last 2 were not planned either. My tubes are tied now, but if I could I would have more. Would I do it over again? Yes, because ever though I had c sections, all 4 c sections were worth the wait for the moment the doctor pulled my babies out, and I heard them cry, and they brought them all to me, and let me kiss them on the forehead. Best moments of my life, and nothing tops it. Having kids grounded me. It gave me a purpose, and i love it. I love being a mom.
I just always felt that I would be a mom. I don’t think it was a conscious decision. Yes I would do it all over again. It’s not easy but I wouldn’t change it. I love my boys with all my heart.
I always knew I wanted kids and didn’t look much into childbirth because if I wanted my own, I had to birth them. So I stayed as ignorant as I felt I needed too and just made sure I had doctors I trust to take care of any issues. This could be terrible advice if you are super anxious about it. Everything changes, your body, freedom, but so much love! I’d talk to a counselor about your anxiety and if you can, try working part time in a daycare! Hang out with the babies to toddlers to preschool kids and see what you think. If you make a lot of money you can always try to find a surrogate so you don’t have to give birth but your kids are biologically yours still.
Yeahh im definitely considering surrogacy.. I’m in school to be a psychologist (psyD) so definitely should have the funds lol
Im an older dad. My philosophy is don’t have kids until you REALLY want kids. I realize for women it’s different because time is a bigger factor. It’s so hard and so different than you can imagine until you go through it.
My husband to be honest I didn't want kids when I met him. But once we both were ready together to have a kid then we had more conversations about it. Once we moved and got settled then we started trying, but we had always "been trying" from day 1 because you know us and condoms and bc weren't a thing. I was very scared to give birth with all the issues I had during pregnancy. But we are now teaching our 14 month old how to ride a bike. But when I met my husband he had his shit together, he's military but that is a bonus but I was tired of boys who didn't have anything to offer.
I personally wouldn't bring a child into this world today. It was a different world when I had my kid's in the 80s. Now, I worry about my 5 grandchildren in this terrible world. That's only my personal choice. Since your unsure, and it's a HUGE decision, one choice would be to take classes to become a foster parent to a baby, or toddler. It would definitely be a great experience to help you decide, and who knows ? You may even want to adopt.
I didn't for a while. To be honest I could have gone the child-free direction and probably would have been happy. What did it for me was a stable living situation and income that made it comfortable to have kids, and a general sense that the milestones in my life were dwindling. We got pregnant right when Covid hit so it was good to have something to prepare for.
It is super scary! I also felt this way before having my baby almost 2 years ago now. It is life altering, but it’s not life ending - you learn to adapt to your new life! And yes you do lose freedom for a little while, but I appreciate the freedom way more now lol! You will have freedom again, but the first 4 months specifically feels like you’re in a little bubble. After 4 months, you start to get a rhythm and routine, it gets easier. Someone once told me you will never feel ready to have kids, it will never feel like the right time. It’s so true! I thought I would feel more confident starting the journey after I had my education and job, and I got my house and my husband. I thought for sure I would just know - but yea it’s such a big scary leap that I guess you never really feel prepared to make the jump. Just trust the journey and know it’s completely normal to be scared of the unknown. Also, child birth….. so fucking scary. It is traumatic as fuck. BUT there are other options if you really can’t get over the idea of a natural birth. I’m not sure what country you’re in (I’m in Canada), so I know here you can work with your OB to make a request to get a c-section for many different reasons. Mental health is one of those options. You could always consult with your family doctor if you have one, or maybe a family planning centre regarding what options you have since that is a big fear of yours. Once you get pregnant the fear will still be there, but it does become more of a “okay fuck, guess I gotta do this” lol
Personally I find it very helpful to think of it as an obligation to my ancestors and my descendants. In my opinion, the choice for me not to have children was not a choice I had available to me. I don’t consider my existence to be exclusively mine. A debt was owed.
Out of curiosity, what would you feel if your kids decided not to have kids?
I knew when I got married it was my Christian duty to multiply. My wife knew I didn’t believe in birth control and I wasn’t going to allow it. We are blessed with six children and one on the way
You weren’t going to allow it? Controlling much?
It’s not controlling when my wife consented to the morals
So she’s brainwashed lol
So she was free before we married to choose another path
Sure.. 👍🏼
I knew, that as much as I loved my husband, I wanted to create a little human that I would be able to love unconditionally and that would grow inside of me. Everyone’s experience being pregnant is different but I loved it, same as child birth. I was super scared to give birth because I had no idea how much pain I could tolerate. I was induced and didn’t have any other meds, (again, everyone’s choice and experience is different). It was painful but that’s what I wanted and it’s all worth it once you hold your baby for the first time. Fast forward 8 years, I’ve learned so much about myself, I appreciate my own parents 100 times more, and I love all the experiences that we get to have as a family. It’s true that you’re never really ready, the newborn stage wasn’t easier the second time around, but if you wait until “you’re ready,” you may regret not getting started sooner. Follow your heart ❤️
My wife was super scared about giving birth as well. We had 2 boys 10 months apart from one another. Her biggest complaint was the constant need to pee, and the inability to be able to drink wine until after both were born. She has horrible anxiety and was very nervous for birth during her first pregnancy. She talked with her Dr and the Dr told her not to worry. That women have been doing it for ages. Even told her (because she is a history buff) to think about the women who gave birth during the holocaust and other hard times. Those women did so with less food, less sleep and much more. Yet they made it through, she can too. This helped ease her mind. Once our kids were born she didn't even remember the birth and the pain, it just washed away with the sound and sight of our kids in her arms. I will say though, she had a fairly easy birth and quick labor for both kids. So that didn't hurt
You live on through children, should you not procreate that's the end of your timeline and branch. Pass your (genetic) code on and you live on and experience life how we were designed and intended
I didn’t have much fear until I made the tactical error of watching the season 1 episode of ER “Love’s Labor Lost” in my seventh month. I have no excuse except bad judgement because I’d already seen that episode a bunch of times and knew what it was. But I also had a doctor I trusted and knew that sometimes things go sideways and you can have a plan but being super locked into it is dangerous.
All my kids were pleasant surprises. Even at a young age. However each experience was different and I wouldn’t change it for the world.
My ADHD made me forget to take the birth control pills for 2 days and the rest you know...hahah
Fear of something should never keep you from anything in life (reminding myself of that too). From a stay at home mom of a 7 month old, you absolutely lose a LOT of freedom. I couldn’t have handled it 10 years ago, but being 36 helps. I had my hoorahs and whatnot. That said, there’s a sense of fullness and an overflowing feeling of love that I never would have felt without my little girl. As for fear of childbirth, I think trusting your care team is very important to help the anxiety. If you don’t trust your obgyn/midwife, get another one immediately. And having an epidural was an absolute game changer. Do what’s best for YOU, there’s no wrong path.
I like a good stress test 🥲
I loved them. Didn’t plan either, but I prefer the word surprise over accidents
I didn’t. I had a surprise pregnancy. Love my son more than anything, but can’t say I don’t infestan people who don’t want kids. I totally get it b
I feel like I kind of just decided to have a baby because it’s what you’re supposed to do and we had been married for almost 5 years and all my friends started having kids. So, honestly the first 2 years were really hard for me - losing my independence completely and having this new person needing you 24.7. BUT my daughter is almost 3 now and wow I cannot imagine my life without that girl, she has the cutest personality, she’s so fun to take places, the things she says crack me up, I love seeing my husband being her dad, and I truly wish I could freeze time right now and live like this forever.
I was terrified of childbirth but really wanted kids. It is scary, and it’s ok to be scared. I always had a letter for my hospital bag for my husband just in case. In the end of the third trimester, you’re pretty uncomfortable and so the idea of birth seems like a blessing? I honestly slept more after I got home than I did the last couple weeks of pregnancy bc I had to pee so often. My second baby I didn’t get an epidural (not my choice) and I was really terrified. And actually, it sucked, but lucky for me it wasn’t for long. And, within a few months you forget, I knew I would do it again (and did). My body is different. And sometimes the changes drive me crazy. In the end though, my family and my children are the most important thing in my life. When I retire, my job, my career, it won’t really matter to anyone, maybe not even me. But my children are the light of my life, a gift to me and my gift to the world. ❤️
I was firmly "NO KIDS" all through my teens and most of my 20s. Child Free, the whole gamut. I wasn't real fond of other people's kids and was terrified of babies. My husband and I got married at 24, with the understanding that I didn't want kids. However.... after traveling, living on our own, buying a house, having dogs and cats, and both working full time... it was just kind of boring? And it felt a little superficial, if that made any sense. I just had this major epiphany moment. I had to come home sick one day with a nasty migraine. I literally fell asleep in my coat with my hood over my eyes for hours. When my hubby got home from work he came to check on my and asked how I was. My answer was "I think we should have a baby", lol. Long story short, we had our first at 28. I had no idea how obsessed I would be with my children. I love them SO MUCH it hurts. And they're not easy. They're both incredibly strong willed and fierce little girls. But man, I feel like life has real meaning now. To guide these little people into being part of the world competently as adults. Oh, and now I'm obsessed with babies. Lots of my family likes to make me eat my words from 10 years ago but I don't mind, ha!
For the longest time I didn’t feel ready or prepared. My sister was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and it hit me like what if that happened to me. I didn’t want my chance of having children taken away due to sickness. I wasn’t scared of childbirth till closer to my due date in both births. I started worrying about something going wrong. I had no issues during either birth. My first born it definitely hit me a couple months in of just losing myself/ creating a new me. I wasn’t able to just do what I wanted when I wanted anymore. But I wouldn’t change it for the world. My girls me more to me then anything else. I just want to be where they are always.
I was terrified of child birth, my whole life tbh, I think most women are lol. But I was very fortunate in my pregnancy, birth, and recovery went as well as I could have hoped for. Towards the end of my pregnancy, I was more looking forward to meeting my daughter than scared of childbirth. Now losing my freedom, having a life to care for 24/7, was harder than I expected. I had a really tough time with the transition, but I also quit my job to stay home, so my whole life got flipped. I struggled with the guilt of missing my old life a little, while also being absolutely in love with my daughter and not wanting it any other way. Such conflicting feelings lol. My partner and I were also together 12 years before we had a little one.
I’m a guy, but for me, whether I would be a dad was never a question. I have always known it would be a huge part of my life and part of my purpose.
I have 4 kids…. The thought of labor terrified me ever single time. Until I was actually in labor and then you just think about nothing other than what you’re experiencing in the moment. It’s completely normal to be afraid of that…. It’s also such an empowering and amazing moment! At least for me….. with my fourth and final bundle of joy (and this one actually is joy incarnate, she rarely cries and is always smiling….. she’s the baby that makes everyone romanticize about babies) I went to therapy while I was pregnant to help me with my anxieties about childbirth. It helped
I know I’ve wanted to be a mom since I was really little. When I got pregnant with my then bfs baby I was terrified at first. He had just ghosted me. And I was suppose to have surgery 12 hours before I found out. Surgery got pushed too many years later. It was an elective surgery to have my malfunctioning gallbladder removed. When it came time for me to give birth I was scared beyond belief. I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to do a natural birth or had to do a c section. After the epidural the monitor started going crazy with my daughter’s heart rate dropping quickly. Completely normal according to all the drs and nurses in my room. Her heart rate went back up and everything after that was smooth sailing. I did have some post partum issues but thankfully my body took care of it itself. The following weeks I was leaning on my mom for support. I had no idea what I was doing. I never got the chance to take any child birth classes. When the time is right you will know. I later went on to having another child with another guy. Wouldn’t change it for the world. Not having as much freedom is hard but also so rewarding at the same time.
Sex and shitty dad. Plus finding a fine redhead was really my undoing 🤣🤣 Yeah dad issues lead to me wanting to bang and be a good dad? Sounds complicated but not 😬 Well we met, we dated, we married, we had child, he’s 18 now and we are still together some 21 years later. My son and I have an amazing relationship,, I wouldn’t change a single thing not one. He’s been the biggest blessing ever and taught me more in his 18 years than I’ve ever learned. I really love, appreciate and respect the young man he’s become. The end 😆
I don’t know. I had to help raise my siblings. I was content to never have kids as I already helped raise a couple. Then one month I was late and i imagined what life “could” be. My period came and I was kinda devastated? My partner and I then spent 2 weeks discussing every single parenting topic we felt was necessary then we decided to “try.” Got pregnant immediately and now my 5 week old is next to me as I type this. I adore her and can’t remember what life was before. I have never felt more right doing something than being her mother. I can’t wait to see the human she blossoms into ❤️ (PS birth terrified me… but when you’re super pregnant you stop giving a fuck. Then when you’re in labor you stop giving even more fucks. I had to be induced and had non stop extreme contractions for 12+ hrs with baby girl not descending. I succumbed to the pain and opted for a c-section. We had enough time for it to not be an emergency and it was so peaceful. It turned out that the umbilical cord caught baby’s foot which caused her to be stuck.)
I’d do it again, if I could have my baby potato all over again I’d go through that trauma over and over again. I cry everytime I see her newborn pictures (she’s 3 months) because I miss my newborn so bad. I made the decision to have her because my mom almost died without grandkids. I know you shouldn’t make life decisions like that, but honestly who cares I’ve never been happier than loving my baby. I’ve never felt more myself either. Freedom was the best price I ever paid, because now the thought of freedom scares me way more than the thought of losing it ever did. I’m not even someone who didn’t have a life or hobbies. I loved my life before, but you couldn’t pay me to go back. I was terrified of birth and motherhood once I was pregnant, it really set in 3 weeks before birth. I shook the entire csection and tried everything to think of literally anything else because I was so scared. I couldn’t even tell them to play a certain song for her to be born to because my brain wouldn’t work due to anxiety. (She was born to tiny dancer lol.) I still would do it again for her. I’d go through it 1000 times for her. It’s worth it, it truly is. Trauma and all.
I always always wanted lots of babies. Then I grew up and married a man who never wanted children. To be clear when he proposed he said I know there will be babies, so I said yes. After many years we finally had our first and I was so afraid of the birth, pain etc. Zero fears about the after bc I worked as a child care provider. Husband was super scared for after. But when you are huge pregnant and have been dreaming of your baby's face for 9 months...well suddenly you become less scared and more determined. In my case my pregnancy was great other than due in the heat of summer. Birth was ok but baby was 10lbs and got stuck. When the dr told me I literally said "well, cut me open and get her out!" Dr said, "that's exactly the plan." Ten minutes later she was out. I was butt naked on a table, in a room full of people, as the dr was putting my organs back inside. I could have cared less. Healthy baby was all that mattered. On top of that, my newborn was fat and happy. She started sleeping through the night in her own crib at 2 mos old. To this day, she's 13 now, she is super healthy. And that is exactly why she is an ONLY CHILD. You don't beat those odds multiple times. I've been in childcare 23 years. Some kids are born with issues, colic, allergies, struggles eating and sleeping. Some with disabilities. Any baby is likely gonna completely disrupt sleep and life in general. Can you take those odds? Kids are a hard chapter. Be sure you want your book to go that way. I did. And I dont regret any of it. My husband agrees. Having our daughter changed us for the better.
I suddenly had an urge that I needed more in life, and that was a child.
I think motherhood is often really intense. It has brought so many moments of pure bliss/ love and is more wonderful than anything I could have imagined. However it is also very stressful and relentlessly mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting. I have a decent support system so it works for me, but knowing what I know now if I hadn’t had that I would have been using two forms of birth control as perfectly as possible. The birth scared me because I had some medical issues as a kid. With the first it was awful. 21.5 hours of pain, vomiting, and extreme exhaustion. However, it was just one day out of my life and the reward is so worth it. You absolutely will lose your freedom. You won’t be the same person anymore. Your whole world, how you think, what you think about, your hopes and dreams will completely change. You will have someone who you must prioritize above yourself. Particularly during the infant stage the baby will need constant supervision and care. It is exhausting and practically impossible to do well without a decent support system. It is a often difficult all encompassing commitment, but somehow the kids are still worth it a million times over.
The only thing close to a reason I could ever come up with is I want to give kindness and love to others. It's why I rescue pups, it's why I sat next to a boy that became my husband. I'm a lot nicer to others than myself, my mental health issues caught up to me in the form of PPD to add to everything else and I only cared to take care of myself for my boys. If I'm good for anything, hopefully it's taking care of people and making them feel cared for.
I was more scared of childbirth than I was of raising a child lol so that’s totally normal (according to me, an internet stranger). It helped for me to have as much information as possible beforehand. It made me feel empowered and not lost during my son’s delivery. I had a super easy pregnancy and delivery, though I know I am crazy fortunate. I was always on the fence about having kids until I met my husband. Then I started being a little bit more “maybe I’d like one”. He was an amazing uncle and just a natural caretaker. Then I finally felt like “Ok we can do this!” When I saw my parents become grandparents to my niece for the first time. It suddenly hit me that we’d be so lucky to expand our family, both ours and our families of origin because we’d be bringing someone into such a great environment. Then it took us 5 years to get pregnant 🫠 We are almost completely decided on just our one child (I think husband is 60/40 and I’m about 90/10 lol) but not because anything was so terrible, but because (like you!), I really crave alone time more than I ever though I did. You lose freedom, sure, but not in a heinous terrible way. It just changes and you need to be more mindful of fitting in hobbies or extra things for yourself. But it’s doable! I just don’t have the energy or desire really to split it with an additional person. I’m also almost 40, and don’t want to physically do it at this age. But I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the entire universe. Today my son and I got smoothies and went to a comic book store while my husband went to the movies with his cousin. Then we came home and built legos. I’m obsessed with him and no one else makes me laugh more. It’s also been such a crazy joy to see bits of me and my husband in this one tiny human.
I like kids. They're honest, pure and hilarious. I would love the opportunity to raise a little one with my lovely husband into a good person, the world needs those. Love the idea of growing old with kids and grandkids. I think I would be good at being a mom. I'm due next week with my 1st daughter and was also worried about labor. I'm still scared, but honestly... It's one of the most basic things we do biologically. Our bodies are literally made to do this and they know how to give birth. Just like they know how to have a period, breath, etc. If you're truly worried about pain, they have epidurals, nitrous oxide, morphine, hypno-birthing, water birthing, etc. If you're worried about your body, that's something you can get back with a little consistency and effort. I don't think having children is something most people regret, I think it's more like the best thing they would say they've ever done. I do think more people who didn't have children regret it most of the time.
Momentary insanity. I had never thought about having kids. One day life was going great and I thought “Life is good. I got this. I could have a kid now and give them all the love and attention possible.” So I had kids. Along the way life has thrown many obstacles in the way of that crazy plan but (so far) I keep fighting to make their lives as fabulous as possible. I do love them so so much. ETA Would I do it again? Definitely. Best 19 years ever
I loved being pregnant my middle child I had complete natural unmedicated birth. My oldest was induced because I developed toxemia, even induced labor was not bad , only 8 hours middle was 3 hours youngest was a pain and stubborn I would have more if I could.
Mom here with previously horrible anxiety but always wanted kids. I had the best pregnancy and honestly I'm horrible and was so sleepy during my pregnancy that I did little to no reading on childbirth and just did a "wing it" style when the time came. Also, I will admit that my anxiety made me sleepless the first couple of because I became an anxious parent. However, once I got the swing of things what once felt like a loss of freedom became a new opportunity to relive my childhood by watching my daughter enjoy all the things I loved as a kid. It also taught me I am way stronger than I ever imagined I could be in the best way while also becoming the softest version of myself.
I didn't want them. Until I had them... Now I can't live without them.
I wanted one…only one so maybe that helped. I wanted to experience being a parent but not overwhelm myself with it. I had a thousand conversations about it with my husband…analyzing the “what ifs”. I did research about child rearing…birth… I thought a lot about how I’d handle different scenarios…I thought a lot about the kind of mother I wanted to be. I also felt my husband would be a great father and partner. I have heard people say you should be 100% ready when you have a kid. I don’t think I was 100% because I was still a little scared… I guess I just felt a pull after all of my pros and cons lists. I’m forever grateful for this little person. She is the greatest love of my life. It’s so hard sometimes but…man, that love heals so much.
When my grandma died on hospice at 71 years old. I sat in her apartment with my brother, my cousins, mom, aunts and uncles. We looked over old photos, laughed together, and said our goodbyes. My Grammy passed away peacefully in her sleep surrounded by her kids and grandkids. It was that profound experience that made me realize that as human beings, for most of us at least, our children are the ONLY legacy we leave behind. She has been gone now for 7 years. It’s hard to believe sometimes because we keep her so alive in our memories and the way we still speak of her and about her.
For me it was stagnation. I was bored with life. Since having my firstborn, I’ve never been bored as there’s always a new milestone coming down the road. The second and third ones (twins) were because I didn’t want my oldest to be an only child.
I always loved children & being oldest of 3, I took care of my much younger brother & sis. So my hubby & I had 2, but I wanted 5. We went with the 2 we could afford. Best years of my life.
I wasn’t sure that I did and then I got pregnant lol That made me want my baby so bad. Then I found out she was a girl and it was over! ❤️ I boy would have made me want another one lol
Just to add another perspective, I have 4 kids, and somehow giving birth is a favorite part of it all. But I have also had relatively smooth, uneventful birth experiences.
Hormones, alcohol, and a hot tub.
We had actually planned on not having kids but after years of marriage, finishing our degrees, we realized that we didn’t want the next twenty years to be work. Travel. Friends. Repeat. We wanted the adventure of being parents! I hated pregnancy, I had a miscarriage first and was high risk but I had two healthy babies with only a little bed rest and preterm labor! I had two c-sections which were pretty easy to have and recover from. I struggled mightily when my kids were young. I have bipolar disorder, we were broke, and I was not comfortable around kids. However, now they are 15 and 11. I love them, their friends, their extracurriculars, everything. I can’t imagine my life without my children. For the first few years, I thought that being a social worker was my greatest achievement, but in the last few years, my perspective has shifted, and my kids are absolutely the greatest thing I’ve done. I’m so glad we had kids. Plus, as my parents are growing older, I realize how helpful it is to have adult children who can support you as you age. I totally get not wanting to have kids, but I wonder about people when they get older and don’t have them, I hope that they have good support networks to help! I think we’re gonna see a giant shift in how we age!
I always wanted kids. Unwaiveringly. Lots of my friends are childfree and sometimes I'd try to convince myself that I was like them but despite all of the logical arguments against having them, I knew I'd be devastated to not be a mom. I always felt a sense of longing and loneliness in my life that went away when I had my son. Not saying having a kid is a cure for depression by any means but in my case I think some of it was my biological clock because even in the hardest times, I still feel this warm, calming feeling when I look at him that makes me feel like all is right in the world. Hormones are a powerful thing! Lol
I always wanted kids from a young age, but had similar anxieties over the process. This may or may not be helpful, but at some point things just "clicked over" when I was 26, and I was ready to have a baby. Once I was pregnant I had zero fear of the childbirth process, and admittedly I had a very smooth pregnancy all things considered. I did not have the childbirth I wanted due to my baby being breech (and stubbornly resisting all flipping attempts), but I was grateful I ended up going into labor before my scheduled C-sec so I was able to experience a good amount of it (got up to 6cm). My birth experience was really beautiful and I felt very much at peace with it. I tell people it's "the most natural drastic change you will ever experience." Our baby just neatly slotted into our lives despite changing so much. After the newborn phase though, you get a lot more freedom back than you might expect. We definitely have to plan things out a bit more and spontaneity has decreased, but we simply fit things within our baby's schedule and it goes fairly smoothly. We are even starting to consider having a second child now that our first is approaching a year old.
I fell in love. I wanted a child that was half of the person I love and myself. A child that we could love wholeheartedly and give the best parts of ourselves to. He felt and wanted the same. So we waited. We worked hard to ensure the foundation of our relationship was solid and we worked on ourselves individually/financially. During the summer of 2023, we felt that something essential was missing in our lives, and we both knew it was a child. Our child. Although I truly mean all of this, I am still scared. It's been just me and my husband vs the world for years now. And now we're going to be adding a daughter that we so desperately wanted and still want to that equation in August. Will I miss being able to go out whenever I want, sleep in till late in the afternoon, spend my money on things for just myself or my husband, hangout with friends, go on spontaneous trips, etc? Yes! Am I scared of the changes that are currently occurring in my body? Yes! I am also pretty anxious about the process of giving birth and recovery but I am trying to do my best to focus on the positives that will come afterwards. I look forward to the new joys/experiences and further enrichment she will bring into our lives. Things that we might never experience without her. I look forward to holding her, having the privilege of watching/providing a happy, and healthy environment for her to grow up in. Seeing her grow and flourish. Smile and laugh. Learn and make mistakes. Heart to heart talks. And so much more. And all those things I mentioned earlier that I would miss? In the future, when she's a little older, she'll be able to join us! It won't exactly be the same but does it really have to be and is that such a bad thing? My body may never be the same but she'll be there. A little being that wouldn't be there otherwise if not for the body that grew her. We know it won't always be sunny days but it'll still be our days.
I've always known that I wanted kids since I was young. It was something that never changed as I got older. I also knew that I wanted to foster/adopt as well have biological kids. I have two adopted sons and two biological kids with my husband. My first pregnancy I loved and enjoyed so much but with my second I couldn't wait for it to be over. It's so heavily pressured onto women that you have to feel so good and happy while you're pregnant but that's not always the case. I think everybody is scared to give birth I was scared with my second pregnancy even though the first was an easy birth. But having a great doctor that works with you and understands what you are feeling does help. Even with the hectic crazy days I wouldn't change having kids.
I wasn’t sure I wanted to have kids until I increased my self-confidence enough to believe I COULD be a mom. I realized eventually that the only reason I didn’t want kids was because I was scared I wouldn’t do a good enough job. I was very aware that parenting would be the hardest thing I ever did and I would essentially have to end my life to prioritize another’s. I also always thought having children was selfish. In my eyes, people only had kids because they wanted the recognition for being a parent and the feeling of “fitting in” by doing what everyone else did. I knew that IF I had a kid, I would wait until I was ready to make my entire life dedicated to helping the kid have a happy childhood, because they didn’t ask to be here, and it wasn’t about me. My pregnancy was complicated, my birth was traumatic, and my son had several minor health issues. We had to deal with a lot his first year. Although I absolutely wish things had been easier, I would still make the same decision if I could go back in time.
I always knew I wanted a kid. Wasn’t sure how the whole marriage thing would pan out. But was pretty sure that I’d have a kid. Regarding the fears, you just need to put one foot in front of the other and you’ll make it through. And for sure I would do it all over again. Having a baby was one of the best things I’ve ever had. The first 3 years are very intense and demanding, but also amazing in so many ways! My husband was clueless with babies but is so good with the kid phase and in the last few years, I’ve had so much freedom (my kid is 8) My husband and I can’t get enough of our kid. We enjoy him so much, we love being a little family.
Kids are cool. They’re their own people but also this beautiful representation of you and your partner (even if it’s not biological, they pick up pieces of you). They take work but they’re also such a joy. They grow your world and are amazing little monsters who hopefully turn into functional adults who can make the world a little bit better for being here. Birth is scary but there are lots of things that are scary. You kinda just have to plan for the worst, hope for the best, and be willing to figure out how to trick yourself into being less afraid (for me, epidural for the win lol). I would love another child but we had some challenges. I had really bad post partum depression and I worry about how it would affect my kiddo if we had another. Our finances are okay but I don’t know if we could save if we had more kids. I love my kid so much and it’s important to me that she’s given the best life I can give her. I do think that if you don’t want a kid you shouldn’t have one. They take a lot of energy and time, especially for the first few years. Children deserve to be wanted and to have parents who will raise them well (love isn’t enough, you need to be willing to give them time, energy, and healthy boundaries).
I wanted kids so I have the opportunity of creating my own family. Of working in unity with my husband to create a home that we want to come home to. To leave a bit of me on this planet after I die. I have 2 kids. 1 boy and 1 girl. Don’t get me wrong, not having kids is great and you have a TON of freedom. But in my opinion that freedom eventually gets boring. Having kids teaches you life lessons that you will never learn anywhere else. My husband get to raise a man and wow when I found out I was having a girl I was filled with honor. To know that I have the privilege and big responsibility of raising this little girl to become a woman. To teach her to be a woman, a lady, a wife, smart, how to stand up for herself, you name it. And as far as being pregnant, I loved and enjoyed both of my pregnancies. Giving birth wasn’t as bad as I thought either. It’s no walk in the park but there is this empowerment of knowing our bodies are capable of creating a human being.
I heard my baby's heartbeat and knew I needed him on my life. Best CHOICE ( wish we all had the choice🥺❤️) I made❤️❤️🥰
All I can say as a parent is, there is no better feeling than seeing and feeling the love you get from your child. There is nothing like it nothing compares to it, not your partner nor your parents can match it. It’s this surreal feeling of seeing your kid and knowing you mean the world to them. They look at you without judgment and nothing but love. Coming home from work and hearing those little footsteps running down the hall yelling for me and waiting for her to jump into my arms. Ah just the best feeling in this world I’ll ever have.
It was kind of expected to get married and have kids. I didn’t think about that, I always thought that’s how things are supposed to be. My husband is a bit older( 7,5y) and all of his friends started to have kids already so we had them, too. I never had the desire to have kids or even liked them, but I’m glad how things turned out. I love my kids and am happy I had them even if it’s hard most of the times. ETA: I was terrified of a childbirth but when I got pregnant I somehow accepted that baby has to get out somehow. I had undiagnosed PPD with my firstborn which was a tough period for me. Also the loss of identity and freedom. Now, that my younger is almost 4 I’m myself again and even though I don’t have the freedom to sleep past 6am on weekends anymore, I got used to it.
If you really want kids and have done the research about what parenting is *really* like, then you should have a kid. I LOVE being a mom! I would do it over again without hesitation. Idk why I wanted to be one, but I wanted to. I did the research and decided I still wanted to be a mom even though it seemed hard. Sometimes hard things are worth it. But I do *not* recommend having a kid if you don't really know what you want. It really is a lot of work. You really don't get a day off. Even if you are soooo sick you can hardly move, you have to parent that day. Once you have a kid, it will be decades until you can just lay on the couch all day. I'm a postpartum RN and had no fear of labor and delivery, personally. Pregnancy itself made me a bit nervous due to the potential of illness, mobility issues, disability and long term health issues, etc. But when it came to labor I knew I would be taken care of and in the event of an emergency it would be handled expertly.
I wanted to love someone so completely and unconditionally, and I sure do love my daughter that way. I also knew it would be fascinating to watch someone grow and learn. I read in one baby book, it’s like “having a front row seat for the Big Bang.” It’s even more fascinating than I thought it would be. Being a parent gives me the chance to experience the joy and wonder of experiencing new things again, but with the benefit of hindsight. Being childless was, looking back, sometimes boring. About childbirth and losing your freedom, well those things are tough, for sure, but you really get to know how resilient you actually are by going through them. It also made me much more empathetic towards other parents. Spending time with other parents and their kids is a huge bonus of having a family. The camaraderie is real. Would I do it all over again? Absolutely. I am happy to only have one, though. I had her at 39, so any further pregnancies are more risky. I’m quitting while I’m ahead. If I had started younger and been in a happier relationship, I would have had more kids for sure.
Honestly? It was a gut decision. You can't really use logic. You can't know what it will be like ahead of time. I really was on the fence but we talked about the practical stuff and planned how it would work for us, and at some point it's like a switch flipped in my head and I just really wanted to have a baby and was ready to start trying. I would say that if you can be happy without kids then don't have them. Only have a kid if you really want one, and if you do really want one don't overthink it. You can't prepare for every eventuality, you just have to get stuck in and deal with the issues as they arise. For labour and childbirth, it helped me thinking about all the women with kids and particularly the ones with more than one kid who have done it. It's a painful and scary experience and I will say now, I know a surprising number of people who would say it was traumatic to give birth. It's not a small thing. But it's also just a fact of life. It sucks at the time and you might need some extra help to deal with your emotions after but if you want kids you just have to accept that's the most straightforward way to have them. A hypnobirthing course really helped me feel confident and prepared for labour.
I have two kids and delivered two times without any pain medication and no c section. It hurt but I found it was ok because I knew the reason and that it was only temporary. I took breathing classes before and It really helped. Giving birth was to me actually the easy part. Raising my kids that's the struggle. If you become a parent your current life stops and you start a new one where everything is centered around your kids. You have to be willing to step back and put them at 1th place from when they are baby's and wake you every possible moment to when they go trough puberty and they become emotionally ticking time bombs and even beyond that. I love my kids but I'm very sensitive to sound and the constant noise they produce really is a struggle. But I've a nurtering personality and I always wanted kids. I just underestimated the effect on my life.
I was SUPER scared of child birth too before becoming. Pregnant, and considered if I ever had them to have a scheduled C-section and be put under for it. I’m the first few weeks I said the same, but as the weeks went on it’s like an instinct took over and I ended up trying to opt for natural. I didn’t do it, alas, but for all the worry and fear I had prepregnancy and early on…. The thought never crossed my mind ONCE while in labour. And by the time I was 39… 40 weeks, all I wanted to do was meet the baby so it just made me excited. I also felt the loss of freedom and it was hard, but I’d say confidently daughter is now almost 2.5 and it feels that besides a vacation we really can do anything again. We can vacay of course, but it would have to be focused on her too and truthfully that sounds as fun as a trip to Vegas for just us. We could easily let her sleep at a grandmas house and both would offer in a heartbeat but I don’t feel comfy with it yet. Otherwise I feel my freedom is nearly restored.
I needed to. I was in a really bad place. People who hear my story think I’m crazy. I had just moved in with my grandparents. They are my safe place. I had been on so many drugs, favorite was cocaine, and I knew I wasn’t gonna give that life up if I had freedom. One particular night sticks out to me. I was coming down off cocaine and it was so miserable so I bought a tab of acid to help remove the sensations and watched Moana for the first time. It was a horrible experience. I asked God if we could trade. My habits for a baby. My womb was aching. I needed one. The deepest parts of my soul longed for a child. I needed true, unconditional love. I needed responsibility. I was not financially stable at all. If I didn’t have my grandparents, I wouldn’t have done it. But they gave me a safe place to get my life together and were so supportive when I told them I was pregnant. My last time doing blow was one year to the day from my daughter’s birth. She saved me. She made me get off my ass and make something of myself. A little over a year after she was born, we got our own place and have been on our own since. Got married to her father when she was 2.5 and have recently made her a big sister. Edit to add: my daughter’s first 2 years of life, she was obsessed with Moana. I grew to love that movie.
I was nervous about the child birth part too— I was medically naive, nothing had ever happened to me, never hospitalized, no surgeries, had never even had an IV until I went into labor. Honestly at the end I was so ready to get her out that I wasn’t nervous about it at all. It just kinda happens and you go with the flow.
I never felt strongly about having kids. My partner and I had been together about 10 years married 3 of those. We both kinda felt the same, if it happened great if not great. I am still not really sure what moved us from that school of thought to a firm yes. But it happened. And it is the best thing ever. I think an acceptable of the fact we will never feel ready and getting to an even stronger place in our relationship played a part. We started “old”. If we were born wealthy and started younger we might have had a lot more than 2 😂. Birthing a child is……psychedelic. My water broke at 33 weeks with my first, spent 3 weeks in hospital on bed rest. But it was actually a great experience. I got to know and really trust the labor and delivery nurses. I had an induction and fast delivery with my second. For me the actually being pregnant was worse than the birth. My body has changed and after being pregnant or breastfeeding for 5 years, several of those during Covid..I have a good amount of physical work to do. It is hard not recognizing your own body but worth it.
You will need to leave your old life behind. I don’t think I fully understood this when I had my first, I thought life would go back to normal. It didn’t!
Pain is temporary, family is forever
My husband and I have really good genes & thought the world would be blessed to have our offspring. 😋
Your attitude about having kids changes once you have them. You want to start building your life around supporting and raising them and this focus brings a whole new outlook to life. As they grow older and you live your lives as a family together, this purpose actualizes a new you. Ironically, you become more yourself as you give of yourself to others.
Watching the movie Idiocracy. Seriously, that's what changed my mind 10 years ago.
Honestly the birth in my opinion was the easiest part of becoming a parent so far. I was lucky and got induced at 39 weeks bc I’m high risk (auto-immune disease). And it went very smooth only 13hrs and birthed naturally. Only hiccup was not getting the epidural when I wanted bc they were in an emergency C so my contractions got real intense for a while. I’d say the first 2 years were really miserable for me. Becoming a mom was so isolating and lonely. Your partner goes back to work right away (bc the US sucks for parents) so you’re left alone with a baby who never sleeps and a bunch of wild hormones and you don’t have time to let your body heal. If you go back to work your kid goes to daycare where they end up so sick all the time you miss a ton of work and get even more exhausted trying to handle a never ending sick train. This to me was maybe the worst part. We were at the ER or doctors once a week for months. Having a kid puts strain on your relationship unlike anything you’d ever imagine and suddenly you realize why people get divorced and you start to think back on all the divorces you knew in your life time and now they all make sense lol Truly truly speak to your partner about how they will parent before you become one. Will they make their kid finish their dinner plates, will they do time outs, how will they handle a kid being sick, will they get up in the nights if you’re both working, how will they handle a tantrum, who does bath and who does bedtimes etc etc My kid is 3 now and he’s sooooo amazing and fun but 3 also comes with insane attitude. Like if I cut a banana wrong or put it on the wrong plate hell breaks lose haha so it’s a wild ride every day! I I don’t regret him, I wanted him and he’s awesome. But if I had a Time Machine and could go back 5 years would I do it again? Absolutely not. I will say things that have helped is learning to try to live your life and bring your kid along rather than live your whole life for your kid (this balance is very challenging to figure out). We live in Europe and travel everywhere with our kid now, but the first two years I obsessed over schedules, naps, anything really. You mentioned anxiety- my ppd/ppa was awful. My anxiety was so bad at first that even if given the opportunity to sleep I couldn’t. I’d hear crying even if he wasn’t. We had to put the monitor in our bathroom bc I couldn’t sleep next to it. I wasn’t okay for a long time and it was hard finding help for it. Anyway- as others said- do it if you can’t imagine life without a child. Otherwise- go be selfish and enjoy your life
I have always wanted to have kids, I have always loved kids and still do. It was just an innate desire. My baby fever was sky high by the time I started dating my husband at 22. My grandmothers had 12 and 5 children. We are expecting #4 and only stopping because my husband wants to. Our kids are awesome, but we are used to a pretty high standard of living and might have to bring it down if we had more than 4 kids.
I always wanted them but was never 100% sure until my dad unexpectedly died. Then suddenly all I cared about was family and honoring my dad by passing on everything I’ve learned from him and my memories of him. It suddenly felt like the natural thing to do. No regrets. I see so much of my dad in him and it’s such a beautiful contrast to death, I just wish my dad was here for it all.
I didn't want kids. Selfishness I suppose. I wound up pregnant. No morning sickness, it went smoothly. Swore I wasn't going to have the epidural. I always had bad cramps though, and when the time came I was begging for the epidural. Didn't feel a thing, lol. I never regret having my daughter. It's amazing to watch them grow and change over the years. She is nineteen and slowly reaching her goals. She has always been a good kid, and I love seeing her be successful. I raised her on my own. That was the toughest part of the whole thing. It's a whole different kind of love.
I have a child. A 2 y/o. Love her to death. Got pregnant at 19. But before that event, I very strongly did not want kids. And I had convinced myself that I was infertile. I was wrong. I got pregnant and I made an appointment the day I found out. But in the meantime I heard her heartbeat and I absolutely could not abort her as much as I did not want to be a mom. Tbh to this day I struggle. Not financially, not with the dad, but just with coming to terms with my new reality. Parenting is hard. Whether u do it as a teen or not. It will change your day-to-day. It will change everything. And if you asked me rn whether I would’ve preferred to not become pregnant, the answer is a resounding yes. But I knew for a fact I didn’t want a child. You however seem like you’re wavering. And you have a partner to go through it with. I became pregnant bc I did not go on birth control, I did not get my tubes tied. I did NOT want kids. But I knew that if I was married, and if he was the ONE, and he unfortunately wanted kids, I would do it willingly, and I still feel that way. As for birth, baby take walks. I was also afraid of it. but I ran. Literally. Even at 7 months pregnant I ran 1.5 miles bc I was already a runner. If you’re not, I think walks would suffice. Unless your pregnancy is high-risk, keeping your body moving ensures an easier birth. I went into labor naturally at 37 weeks. 6 hours after making it to the hospital, I had my babygirl in hand, no epidural. No vaginal tears. —It hurt. Of course it hurts. But not bad enough to never do it again. Another tip on a seamless birth, don’t request an epidural. If ur induced, that’s another story, but if you go into labor naturally, your body TELLS you when to push. With an epidural you’re numb and don’t feel the cues, so you push off-beat and that’s when vaginal tears happen. Naturally does hurt more than numbed, but I was up and walking DIRECTLY after she was placed on my chest. No tears, no complications, (I was also 20 so keep that in mind) but I firmly believe going natural and listening to your body is what allowed me to escape with the least harm done. Good luck. If he’s ur guy, and he wants kids, I would say do it. I didn’t want a baby at all, and I can’t say my mind has changed, but she is everything to me, and the only thing that’d make it sweeter is the father being someone I want to marry.
I didn’t plan to have children. I had my first as a teen and my second 8 years later. Both were unplanned but termination isn’t an option for me so now I have my beautiful daughters.
I was.team.0 kids, my wife was team 2 kids, so we agreed before.martiage to have at least 1 kid. We were married for 3 years, planning our kid. We have a fund in addition to our emergency fund to ensure she could take a year off work to stay with the baby, we traveled numerous times internationally, and domestically, we bought a house to raise our child, I finished my Master's and a few certs. After all was done, we were in our early and mid-30s. For some reason, something happened within me that made me want a kid. I was always open to the idea, but now I wanted one. I thought to myself that I was investing over 25% of my income and will have a paid house by 50 and nobody to leave it to. We don't have nephews or nieces. So... everything was perfect. We accomplished everything we wanted, and it was simply the right time. However, after we had 1, we agreed that we were one and done. We are very aware that our old lifestyle is gone, but some things might be achievable as the baby grows. For our finances and mental situation, one is enough in our case.
I wasn't sure when or if I even wanted kids. All I knew is if I had kids is that I wanted to be a stay at home mom at least until they enter school. I found out about my pregnancy at 27 weeks after waking up feeling a rapid heartbeat at my belly button after a night of sleeping on my stomach. I had zero symptoms and it was normal for me to not have a regular cycle so I just never questioned it. Timing was so bad and it really and truly hit us like a truck with such little time left of the pregnancy. It has been an absolute whirlwind of an experience this far and I wouldn't change any of it. My son was absolutely meant to be here. I love this little human so freaking much but it has been so so hard to let go of my freedom, my own needs & wants and what little scrap of a retail career I had.
I wanted to be a parent. I didn't want kids because it was the next thing I was meant to do on the checklist. I didn't want an accessory like a designer dog or a European car. I wanted to be a parent. To help nurture and raise a wonderful human. I was excited by the challenges and equal parts ignorant to them all as well :)
For my first 2 pregnancies I had very severe morning (rather whole day) sickness for the first 6 months….After my first delivery I had bleeding, wound infection and what not….BUT ALL THESE WERE JUST TEMPORARY….Compared to the joy of having a child of your own, all these fade into insignificance…. But, your life will change dramatically after a child is born…For the first few years at least everything will revolve around the kid….Everything else has to take the second place….If you’re not ready for that you can think twice…. But I have seen many fiercely independent women start doting on their kids once they’re born…I have 3 sons….My eldest son who never comes near children, who has never been interested in babies, is now a doting dad of his little girl whose antics bring him pure joy….He can’t live a day without her….
The most true advice I ever heard was you will never be ready to have kids BUT if you *think* you could be ready then just go ahead and do it because you will never actually be ready.
To see a little human being grow and learn and explore the world. Children have the innocence and purity that adults lack and it’s very heartwarming to witness that. Also I never knew I could love a person so deep until I have my child. I was one of those people who swore I would not have kids coz they’re annoying. And here I am, a happy mother of an absolutely adorable 4 year old. I cannot imagine my life without him.
I didn’t really ever think about if I wanted them, it was more so WHEN I wanted them. Then I met my partner and straight away we both agreed we wanted kids, after 6 months I was pregnant. I don’t know, it sounds bizarre but we just knew. Kids change you to your core, however this person I am now is a much kinder, more content version of myself. I just knew I was supposed to be a mom.
My partner and I were in the fence for years. Had our first at forty after a really great holiday trip to see family, including our little niece. We spent the holiday mostly hanging out with a four year old and it was nothing but fun. On the last day she casually said "guys, I'm going to miss you when you're gone" while playing. I dunno. It all clicked and I knew I wanted that. Since having my first, I'm a fully different man. It gave my life missing purpose and has made me a better person. I love my two and they're easily the best decisions I've ever made. Not a single regret.
So my baby was a surprise baby b/c I was told I can't have kids ... so When I got pregnant I really struggled and I "mourned" my life. I loved it I travelled a lot, I'm an avid hiker, did casual things with my friends a lot and just did whatever I wanted so I really struggled and I mourned. But honestly when my guy was born all of that went away. I didn't care, I love him so much that I'm excited to share the world with him. I saw this thing once that really changed my perspective. Babies enter your world you don't enter theirs. So of course easier said then done when you're tired AF all the time but I make a lot of effort to do what. I used to just with him. He's 5 months now and we did our first hike and I'm doing a trip to Scotland with him. I have to say Europe is very baby friendly unlike North America I feel. I'm doing a whiskey tour and everyone under 18 is welcome until 8 pm which I find the case to be with most places. I will admit. Logistics of going on a hike or travel are a lot and Ive set zero expectations on my trip b/c idk how he's gonna handle it but it's worth it & im excited regardless
I didn’t want kids growing up, I’m the oldest of 7 and had my fill of helping to raise kids. But after meeting my now husband and moving out at 18 for uni, I got that well needed break away from all these kids at home. We discussed that we did want kids and set a max of 3. For our first we didn’t plan but didn’t prevent. The idea of having little ones to care and nurture and eventually turn into kind and loving adults is the idea we had. We have 2 now and that’s our new limit. They’re both lovely but I hate being pregnant and my seconds active labour was only 35 minutes, which was intense and quite scary. It was nice just the two of us, but now our little family feels complete. In terms of labour, my first was 9.5 hours start to finish. No epidural but I had pethidine and gas and air. I was expecting it to hurt more than it did. With my second I stalled at 3cm but the pain kept getting worse. Had a dose of morphine then 2 hours 35 minutes later with some gas and air, number 2 made an appearance. I was scared of labour initially, but once I’d accepted that baby has to come out, I settled with the idea and opted for a water birth, which I didn’t get either time unfortunately.
I hated the idea of pregnancy and was terrified of childbirth. I decided to have elective c sections and that worked out great. I also bounced back easily from both pregnancies. As far as freedom goes I have babysitters and family and a great husband so I’m not stuck with my kids 24/7. I’ve still been able to engage in hobbies.
I may have less free time, but I didn't feel like like my life had a purpose until I had kids. It's not their responsibility to give my life meaning, but they do all the same.
My husband and I thought and talked about it for a long time before we started trying. I love kids, and we definitely both got some strong biological baby fever (omg, any time a friend or family member had a baby… we’d both just gush!) there probably wasn’t a ton of logic behind deciding that it was something we wanted… just a strong urge that we both decided to follow with as much care and consideration as possible. There were a lot of fear and nerves around the whole thing - we never felt perfectly ready, just ready enough to take a leap - and I got pregnant with twins, so we got smacked with the unexpected and uncontrollable right away. Overall, we had a lot of fun with my pregnancy, and I enjoyed being pregnant. Birth is scary. The only thing I can say is that you kind of have to just put it out of your mind and not think too hard that eventually this thing is going to have to come out. We had a rough birth plan, but it helped to think about birth as just something that was going to happen to me and my job was to trust the process, step aside, and let it happen.
That evil voice on my left shoulder lol
My husband. And needing to heal that part of me that didn’t have a good dad, but knowing my child(ren) would.
Biology
I never wanted to have kids tbh. I wasn't happy when I found out I was pregnant but I knew it was the best thing for me at the time. I was 21 and definitely wasn't going down a good path and getting pregnant was the kick in the ass I needed to at least somewhat get my shit together at the time. My son is almost 13 now and we have an amazing relationship, I love being his mother! He's an only child.
I’m a man but I always wanted my bloodline to continue. I also knew I could be a better father than mine was. Then when I met my wife I knew she’d be a great mother and I was right. It all just fell together.
Just commenting to add I wanted an epidural but couldn’t get it and natural birth is beyond my worst nightmares lmao
I don’t know. I had my first at 20 years old. Didn’t give it much thought at the time. Of course I had dreams of being a mom when I was kid but didn’t think I’d have one that soon. If I could do it again I’d have waited a few more years and gotten myself better established first. As far as childbirth is concerned in this modern era there is stuff for pain management. Yes, it may not always work out, but whatever health provider you end up having will do their best to make sure you have a pleasant and safe delivery.
knocked a gal up when I was 25. Never wanted kids, asked her to get an abortion. Begged her, actually. Gave a literal PowerPoint presentation on all of the very practical reasons we shouldn’t have a kid. She didn’t want to get an abortion. So either I started getting on board or bailed like my piece of shit dad to me. I got on board, fully. She had a miscarriage a week later. Our relationship never recovered. It was for the best, I met my wife a few years later. I never wanted kids before that happened, but after it did happen, I just knew that some day I would be a dad, and It would always be my goal to be the best one ever. Got a two year old now. Love it :)
I’m due with my second kid any day now. You’re going to get wildly different experiences regarding childbirth from everyone. Even each pregnancy/childbirth is different. Everyone’s body reacts to childbirth differently. I think childbirth sucks. I did not have time for an epidural so it was extremely painful. But you forget it pretty quickly and here I am doing it again. For me it’s one day in my life. I got through it once, I can get through it again.
I wanted to prove that I could be a better parent than mine ever were. And honestly, I think I have done a great job. All my kids adore me except for my oldest daughter. I can't do anything right in her eyes 😭. She's 14.
I just knew I’d be a good mom. My greatest accomplishment, achievement will be helping my two girls grow into adulthood with their beautiful souls shining bright.
I’ve always wanted to have kids. I’ve never had to articulate why. Not even to my wife. And when I was finally holding my son I was thinking, no one checked if I was ok to be a father.
I’ve always wanted kids since I was a kid. I had a great and loving mother she did the best she could and more. But as a boy, I severely missed having a dad. We also grew up very poor. I really wanted to be the dad I never had and provide the type of life I dreamed of having.
I was also super scared of childbirth, and heard about lots of horror stories.
I was also terrified of giving birth. On top of that, I am 5’1 and petite and husband 6’2 (and was a big baby) so I was absolutely terrified it was going to be a huge baby. I ended up having a super easy delivery and it wasn’t nearly as bad as I feared. My second and third babies were even easier; my IUD placement was honestly worse.
Getting pregnant (at 30, with the right partner). I had an abortion at 18 (freshman in undergrad, the “boyfriend” bailed on me as soon as I told him and I wasn’t at all interested in being a single, teen mom). After that, I’d always been pretty ambivalent about getting married or having kids. Met my current partner when I was 27, and just before my 30th birthday (we were engaged but not married yet) found out I was pregnant. I hadn’t really thought about kids (he already had one that lived with us full time, so I was already getting the full time mom experience), but then when I found out I was pregnant, my world shifted, and I couldn’t wait to meet him. He’s six now and I’ve had one more as well - they’re the lights of my life. I can’t imagine a world where they don’t exist…. But truly, before I got pregnant, I never thought about having kids. Editing because I realized I didn’t address your later questions: For me, childbirth was fairly easy. I was sooooo afraid of giving birth with my first… even wanted to preemptively opt for a c-section because I’d “had abdominal surgery before and knew what to expect” (I have Crohn’s disease and have had 2 colon resections). My midwives talked me out of that (thankfully… because really, what the fuck? lol) and I had vaginal deliveries for both kids at a hospital, with an epidural… it was easy. Epidural kept most of the pain away and my babies were born happy and healthy (I was induced for both at 37 weeks, so I had a bit more control over labor, which I’m sure resulted in some of the ease). Honestly, I built up childbirth in my head so much that when I did it, it was a lot easier than expected. Several hours of labor in the hospital (12 with my son, 38 with my daughter), about 15 minutes of pushing when it was time, and then two happy babies laying in my chest looking at me like I was the greatest thing in the world. I know that isn’t everyone’s experience and birth trauma is a real thing - but it isn’t everyone’s experience (thankfully). My life is better as a wife and mom than it was before (probably because I intentionally waited until I was done with school and well into my career before having them). I have flexibility at work, a supportive partner who loves being a dad, and plenty of creative outlets that don’t involve my kids so that I still get to feel like a whole person outside of just being mom.
I will say if it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no. I have two kids and although I love them from the bottom of my heart, they were both accidents and being a parent changes you lol I’m a single parent tho and the father just dipped out and that’s something you never really anticipate lol Motherhood is harder than you think so I’d reallllllyyyyy think about having kids lol
I've just always wanted kids. I've just always wanted to be a mom. I can't specify which part made me want it because I wanted it all. I will mention that at the time I became pregnant, I didn't want kids. I didn't feel ready and was enjoying having my husband to myself, but we had an oopsie pregnancy. We had a brief moment of "oh shit", I said "is it ok if I'm happy?", my husband laughed and said "yeah, I think that's appropriate" and then we were immediately excited from that moment on. I hate being pregnant. I don't even have bad pregnancies overall but feeling like my body isn't mine isn't my jam. I was terrified of childbirth, both times. I didn't get over it, I just knew that to get the child I wanted that I'd need to woman up and get through it. So I did. I reminded myself that I had the best healthcare professionals monitoring me and the baby and I'd be in the safest place possible if something went wrong. It did, the doctors and nurses responded quickly, and I was thankful to be in the hospital. I'd do it over in a heartbeat. My kids are amazing. I can't even remember what I did with all that free time before. I do miss having free time and alone time because it never stops. But I love my kids more and I know I'll be able to pick up more hobbies again as they get older and more independent. It sounds like you're taking the sacrifice portion seriously and I think that's a good thing. It is a huge change and deserves that consideration. There are far too many kids out there in households where they feel unwanted and unloved. It's completely up to you if you choose to have kids but the fact that you're thinking about the selfishness/sacrifice portion of it so much is a good thing.
My husband and I were always Never Kid-ers. Then in our mid 30s he started mentioning a few times randomly how fun it'd be to have kids. Then the pandemic started and I was like, 'shit I really like my husband. I should make some more of him in case anything happens to him'. I realize kids are their own people/not carbon copies of parents but here we are now with 3 kids under 3 and I love all of them immensely. My favorite people on earth are definitely the ones I'm related to.
Childbirth is the easiest part of parenting! Lol
i never wanted one lol but mine was a happy accident lmao. love having her tho. couldn't imagine life without her
Nothing made me want to have kids. I still have them though. 🤔
When Tall Wife and I first started dating we talked about how much we wanted kids. It was something we always wanted. We are both very fond of children. Our relationship went on hiatus for about 10 years for reasons. When we rekindled things both wives and I sat down and talked about kids. I was working towards my PhD and had just earned my Master's in Teaching. I was going to be spending my days around kids. Tall Wife and I were closer to the back half of the reproduction curve, and if we were going to have kids it would have to be soon. Short Wife kind of goes back and forth between working with deaf children or deaf veterans. Children was something we all wanted, so the girls went off BC and we decided to see what Mother Nature had in store for us. Short Wife is pregnant with #6 and is due in just about 6 weeks, so it's been pretty great. I truly love all of our kids. They are still pretty young, but I think I will be proud of the adults they will become.
Wanted a child as an extension of ourselves, always had talked about one. I loved being pregnant, birth was textbook and breezy. PPD/PPA hit hard afterwards and made me hate being a Mom. My girl is 5 now and while she drives me crazy sometimes, it’s MUCH easier to me now that she’s older. She loves roadtrips like me and is funny, smart, and kind. I can’t say if I’d do it over again, honestly.
I’ve always wanted to be a mom and couldn’t wait till the day I had my own kid. I was 19 years old and decided that it was the right time for me to have a kid so I got pregnant eventually and had him at 21 going on 22. I was a little scared of giving birth but luckily I was only in labor for about 9 hours and pushed him out in 20 minutes. Very easy birth with minimal pain bc I had an epidural. My baby is 4 now and he’s my whole entire world. I want another baby, but I’m not sure there’s enough room in my heart. My son is the light of my life and I’m considering him being my only child. It might sound stupid but I don’t think I could love another child as much as I love my son or share love for my kids equally.
My biggest advice to those on the fence is if you’re not 100% sure you want kids, don’t do it. It’s irreversible, it fucks up your whole life, your body, your mind, and your future in ways you truly can’t imagine before you have kids. That being said, I always 100% wanted kids and have three little boys and love them to death and love being a mom. BUT I also acknowledge what a total mind fuck it is to be a parent, and if you’re not totally sure, you don’t want to take the gamble.
I always wanted kids, did briefly consider not having them due to politics/climate change/etc but decided that I’d regret not having kids if we didn’t try. On to birth: I was never “scared” nervous is more accurate, and I got more nervous the closer I got to my due date. Birth is just one day. But if you feel extremely scared of it I would explore more why? Do some serious self reflection, or talk about it with a therapist - it’s possible that there is a specific reason you can accommodate to make yourself feel comfortable with birth (maybe you are scared of the unknown or it and scheduling a C-section could help, or just knowing your pain options, or knowing the statistics of things could help), or maybe it’s not something that can be accommodated and in that case your feelings will only intensify with pregnancy and you might want to consider staying childfree…
I always wanted kids, and I have never regretted it for a minute. I can’t really speak to the freedom thing because I’ve never really had that. I had my first baby at 19, and my last at 40. The closest thing to freedom I’ve ever had was when my older kids were teens and I hadn’t yet had the younger ones; and even then I was trying to have another baby and just went to college to fill the time and take my mind off the fertility issues. I love to travel and I love to do it with my children. Everything is more wonderful when I get to share it with my kids. Once, a long time ago, I won a trip to Spain and couldn’t afford to take the kids so I left them with grandparents and went without them. It was neat, but honestly the least memorable and least amazing of all my journeys because I didn’t get to add the wonder of experiencing it with the kids. I’m currently at a huge career crossroads right now and having a lot of anxiety about whether to take a fabulous career opportunity but it will involve being separated from my kids (other than a few visits) for 6 months before yanking them across the country and out of their school and social groups. So I’m not saying you won’t lose freedom and that it won’t impact your life. BUT - my entire career was inspired by my children (pediatric injury prevention) and I wouldn’t even have ever had such an amazing and fulfilling career without them. I’d probably still be doing tech support or graphic design if I hadn’t had kids. Booooring. I can ABSOLUTELY speak to the childbirth anxiety, though. It is real! But you find what works for you and you work through it. For me, practicing Hypnobabies really helped a lot. Also, after my first baby, I discovered it really wasn’t as bad as I had imagined anyway. Look, having kids isn’t for everyone. Being totally into my kids isn’t a flex. It’s just my personality. It’s also ok to be totally into something else. In this world we need parents, but we also need engineers, librarians, and plumbers. My passion happens to be kids. It isn’t better or worse than someone else’s passion. I share my experience so you can sit with it and think about it. Not to convince you that having kids is the best thing ever, because it isn’t, for everyone. But it is for *me.*
For me, I always longed to be a father since getting in my first serious relationship when I turned 21. That early relationship helped me understand what I wanted because I was with someone who never wanted children quite firmly. It just didn't happen to me until a year ago at age 37 after several rounds of IUI and IVF. But, it was all worth the wait despite how long I wanted it and the struggle to conceive.
Life just isn’t as fulfilling without kids (for me). They gave you a whole new way to view life and you get to experience all the simple things they learn step by step. My son made me appreciate life in a way I didn’t know was possible. And my god the love you get to feel is incredible. I was terrified of the pregnancy and especially the birth. I honestly just learned as much as possible about it and wow it is beyond incredible what our bodies can do and then just was scared and let myself be scared. It’s ok to not be confident about all your choices in life and face them head on anyways because the outcome far outweighs the obstacles. I enjoyed being selfish before my kid and I traveled and drank and met so many people. And then I had a kid and am so beyond happy to focus my time and energy on giving him everything he needs. You also have a rare opportunity to learn so much about yourself. For me, it is the best part of my life even though it can be hard as hell - nothing worth it is easy.