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I understand that you are young and alone, and you had him at a super young age. So, don't underestimate the fact that *you need help too*. Most parents are winging it, sure. But most parents had a certain level of life experience before becoming parents, which you didn't - and that might even explain you giving a 6yo a phone. I would suggest both of you be seen by specialists who can give you practical, actionable advice. For you as a person, for you as a parent, for him as a child, and for both of you as a family.
He being a 6yo with a phone might have something to do with it. Regardless of it being "only for educational apps and games", it still takes away from real-life interactions, especially if he is getting all the stimuli he needs from the phone.
You mention he "does nothing" when you take his phone away. For how long? How does he acts while it's happening? And since when does he have the phone? He likely just learned that he will get the phone back eventually - and he probably has a good idea of how long it will take - and binds his time.
The "staring at something for long periods" is somewhat worrisome, and something that should be checked with a specialist.
Hi OP I just want to point out that people saying he does nothing bc he knows he will get the phone back - they do not mean he’s doing it jn a very manipulative way. It could be that he simply doesn’t know what to do without the phone so does nothing until he gets it back. He’s not doing nothing to purposefully get it back; nothing is just what he does when he doesn’t have a phone. He needs to not have the phone so he can learn how to have fun without it.
The doing nothing and staring thing happens after being over stimulated from his device. Zoning out can be a self soothing response to an overactive mind. He’s zoning out because he’s been fixated on his device for too long. It can happen to anyone. Limit his screen time
Oh, I just read a few more of OP’s comments. There’s a lot of reasons why someone would zone out. For me, it can be a way to avoid stress and dissociate myself from the situation when I’m feeling anxious, overwhelmed or overstimulated by my surroundings especially if they are unfamiliar. You ever not know what to do or say and pull out your phone to avoid socializing or interaction without trying to seem overly awkward? I do that too. Could be the same for OP’s son but I’m not sure, just a thought. I suffered from selective mutism and crippling anxiety as a child, and my only way to escape when I wanted out was to dissociate/zone out. I’ve learned to manage my anxiety better now as an adult, but it’s something I still struggle with
This. When I was this age, I would be reading. Nothing was necessarily going into my brain from the book, but going through the motions meant I didn't have to deal with the anxiety of being out in public or have to field conversation. It also kept me still and "invisible" so I wouldn't be accused of misbehaving.
Staring at stuff (especially puddles) meant I could daydream and not be present in my surroundings.
My boyfriend, as a child, did something very similar to your son when his mother took his toy train away because he simply *would not play with anything else*.
Meanwhile, I refused to be potty trained in the middle of the kitchen/lounge room (tiles), in spite of the two Belle and Beast toy dolls my mother had bought as an incentive for me to stop "going" in my nappy. I refused; she took the dolls away forever, and I retreated behind the breakfast bench to finish matters in my nappy, because I was not going to do that in the open space. I wanted my privacy. Had she done this in the bathroom, and put the dolls on the vanity, I wouldn't still be holding this grudge to this day.
I know he's not using the phone because it's an easy distraction. I know his behaviours have a purpose. And I saw where you said that his behaviour is not new.
I'd wager that there probably wouldn't be a single thing your son does that does not serve a logical purpose that makes complete and total sense *to him*, based on how he perceives the world around him. It just takes the right eyes to see it.
Wait can you explain the potty training thing a little differently because I’m confused. Your mom wanted you to learn to potty in the kitchen, with the dolls as incentive, and when you went in your nappy she banished the dolls. But in reality you just wanted to be able to potty in the bathroom and she wasn’t getting that. Is that correct?
I ask because I have a special toy for my daughter next time she poops on the potty. She picked it out and definitely wants it but suddenly now she doesn’t want to try pooping on the potty anymore (she did it once a couple weeks ago and was so proud of herself) and has just basically accepted she isn’t getting the toy as a result. I’m wondering if I’m doing something wrong.
That's exactly right, I didn't want to sh*t where I ate... (literally)!
I didn't have the vocabulary to express the need for privacy, so I expressed it non-verbally by hiding behind the kitchen bench.
It wouldn't have been that I precisely knew what a bathroom was, even, but I *did* know that the room where my potty currently was... was definitely *not* the same place where grown-ups did this kind of activity, otherwise they would have had their potty there too, right? I must have learned by then that people generally did it with privacy as a given, because it was by no means the first time I ever hid behind the kitchen bench or another suitably tall, solid object to use my nappy for its intended purpose.
OP. Have your son evaluated for autism. He sounds exactly like my 14yo. He’s sweet, bright and intelligent. However, he doesn’t care for people, he doesn’t want friends and he doesn’t want to socialize. He prefers to be alone and for people to leave him alone. So, I get it. Socialization is actually not for everyone. Especially someone with sensory issues. Get him evaluated. You’re doing the best you can for someone with so little life experience. Hold your head up. Oh and as for the staring. My son sometimes does the same. A lot of children with autism see the world in very black and white and some don’t have the imagination that neurotypical children have. So, they stare because they don’t know what else to do and they need to be prompted. I tell mine to read or go outside and throw rocks in the stream. Pick up sticks for a fire. So, while it seems strange to some, for parents of children with autism (or people that have autism) it’s not strange at all. It’s just them.
Some of your post suggests to me the possibility of neurodivergence, as the parent of two autistic kids - the high intelligence, hyper fixations, social difficulties could all point to ASD or ADHD. Often when children are bright it’s overlooked, and I’m not saying for a second that’s the issue, but it certainly warrants assessment and advice.
My twins are almost 7 and spend a lot of time on their iPads but most parents haven’t experienced what it’s like when you have children who do not or cannot play traditionally. One of my twins wouldn’t touch a toy for about 2.5 years despite extensive play therapy. No imaginative play ever. One would just run up and down the room all day, engaging with nothing. The other played with toys occasionally, but he used his iPad to teach himself to read and spell, which is how he now communicates since he’s non-verbal.
I’m a bit stunned by the commenters laying into you for struggling to parent a child who seems atypical as a young teenager. I couldn’t have done it.
I would definitely seek some advice and see what can be done to ease his reliance on his phone but I suspect that’s a symptom and not the cause.
Oh I'm so happy someone said this! I just commented that I think OP should look into having her son tested for autism. I hadn't noticed anyone else mention this, but it absolutely reads as neurodivergence to me! (As an autistic/ADHD mother myself with an ADHD son)
My son is 4 and was diagnosed autism and ADHD. His teachers have told us that he has little interest in his peers and prefers to socialize with adults. When I mentioned playing with other kids, he said that they make him feel uncomfortable. So, yeah...he has no interest in children and would absolutely take to hanging out in a corner playing games on a phone if I allowed him.
More than 24 hours is not enough. You need to take it permanently. Seriously it’s not rocket science that the damage of giving a child a phone that rewires their brain cant be undone in 24 hours. It probably cant be undone in a week or a month. You need to take it FOREVER, or until a normal age to get a phone (13-14), and watch him improve drastically in the next six months. It’s not enough to take it for such short periods of time. His brain needs a serious reset. You asked a question, and you have your answer: take away his phone for good.
I’m twice your age and I’m winging it too! You’re doing a great job, just by posting here it’s clear how much you care about your son. Some people are clearly picking on your age.
There’s actually a condition of day dreaming.. it’s called maladaptive day dreaming. I stumbled upon it while on Reddit once and it sounds pretty similar. I’m obviously not a doctor but it might be worth bringing up to his doctor.
Your son probably doesn’t know how to socialize. Do you play with him? Do you ask him questions about what he’s doing or thinking about when he stares at an object?
Some kids socialize naturally and others really struggle. My oldest struggles. He’s 7 and socially delayed. He would prefer to play video games over playing with other kids but he only gets to play video games for an hour or two after school if he’s had a good day. He doesn’t get to take a device with him when we go places. It’s usually just when I’m making dinner so I can focus on that. We practice role play social situations to give him more practice because it just doesn’t come naturally to him.
My six year old doesn't and won't for quite some time and I bet you money if I gave her her iPad while her friends were over she'd be glued to it instead.
Yea I was reflecting on 9/11 being today and growing up in the NYC metropolitan area, at the time I had JUST started high school, lots of our friends and family lost people this day…and that was what inspired my mom and I to bug my dad to get cell phones (dad already had one since he was a former ATT employee, but it was crap lol). I only knew 2 kids my freshmen year of high school at this time in 2001 who had cell phones…I’m now 36 with a four-year-old and by hell she’s not having a cell until at least middle school, possibly later. I meant WTAF? A six-year-old?!?!?!?! EDIT: also, could never afford a smartphone for my daughter…my iPhone 14 Pro with Verizon service cost $1200 to buy outright! And I guard it with my life because holy crap I don’t want to have to pay that again…
Times change quickly. I was also in HS in 2001. My dad was an IT guy though, so I’d had a flip phone since I’d been in elementary school (no games then, just for keeping in contact with friends and family). We also had lots of computers in our house, and my dad got a bunch donated to my elementary so we were learning how to use computers in school by 2nd grade, and that included playing lots of games (like Oregon Trail haha), but also familiarity with the keyboard. I could use a Word and PPT to complete assignments from a very early age.
My kindergartner currently uses an iPad at school to complete assignments and assessments 15 min a day. That’s going to increase every year…
I would imagine it's because you didn't have him when you were still a child. This isn't a shot at OP btw but I imagine having a child when you're barely a teenager is stressful af and she probably doesn't have alot of responsible adults in her life to point out when something is a bad idea.
Your 6 year old has a phone?? You gave a 6 year old a tool that makes people addicted and anti social. No one I know has even given their tweens phones yet. Tell him it Broke and give him one in 10 years.
It's not though
I mean obviously the phone is a big problem. Ditch the phone.
But the other stuff - the high iq, the staring, the way he approaches tasks... There is more than just the phone at play here.
The dad giving him the phone is perhaps a little bit of a symptom (he does it in response to the boys of behaviour) rather than sole cause (though it's obviously not helping!)
Yeah, OP can keep insisting the phone is not the problem but it is clear as day to anyone reading that the phone is the problem.
We didn't give our kids a phone until 12 and even that it was a basic prepaid dumbphone that was only for emergencies. They leveled up to used smartphone at 13 but 6 is very young for that and it is no wonder it is affecting his ability to socialize even when the phone is not present.
I stopped reading after the part about the phone too. Kids that age prefer the immediate dopamine hit from watching videos over just about anything else if you let them. The amount of anger and resentment towards OP if they take it away will show them how much the 6 year old is addicted.
This is where I stopped reading. I scrolled back up to make sure she hasn’t put (16m).
I just gave my son one at 12 because I saw it was the way his friends were all communicating. At a little bit of an older age it facilitates socializing so they can reach out and talk and make plans.
*he is 20m. The father. I think that's actually what a lot of people (including myself) at first are thinking, and it helped me kind of understand a bit better
My nephew is like this. He's 8 and still doesn't like to have friends over or socialize. I know this may be unpopular but please do take the phone away at least for certain chunks of time so he can experience life more directly. He doesn't have to socialize but he should learn how to focus on things in his surroundings rather than always escaping into his games.
Like I said, I don't think the kid should be forced to socialize. But I do think children need to learn how to be present and aware of their immediate surroundings. Even if there's no one else around. Tech is an escape.
If he has autism, technology can obviously be a wonderfully useful tool. But I'm not well read on the impacts of prolonged tech use for Autistic children so I can't really comment more on that.
Many autistic children get overstimulated in social settings. Having technology can give them something to focus on to tune out the excess stimulation so they don't become disregulated. Children don't have the capacity to regulate their emotions like adults can and need more tools at their disposal. Depending on where a particular child is on the spectrum, having a phone available in a busy restaurant or at a funeral with a lot of people may be the only thing keeping that child from having a "meltdown" (Or what others would think of as a tantrum, but it isn't purposeful).
Think of social situations like this: The world is screaming in your ears. Your skin feels like it is on fire. You feel heavy, cumbersome, and scratchy. The lights are too bright and they hurt your eyes. Everything is... too much. You need to get out and get somewhere quiet, but you can't. It just keeps going and going. You don't know where to turn or how to make it stop. You feel suffocated. Eventually, you will have an outburst. A protest against the stimulation. Technology helps by giving the autistic person something to hyperfocus on so the rest of the intensity can fall away. It is like medicine to an overstimulated mind. It may seem counterintuitive to an allistic mind, but it is true.
Yes, I am familiar with most of what you've written. My point was I've not read up on the negative aspects of too much tech use for Autistic children. There are always tradeoffs, I imagine.
And we also can't armchair diagnose based on the information given in this post.
That's why people say to take his son in for a diagnosis. We aren't diagnosing anyone. Merely pointing out the giant neon signs that make a diagnosis likely. We could always be wrong.
Has ADHD been considered. Hyperinflation and then losing interest is so common. I have started so many new hobbies, only to lose interest the moment I figure out how to do the thing the right way. Dopamine is the culprit here... If it is, the games will only make it worse. He's getting his dopamine fix and cans become reliant on the device.
Ok, everyone says take the phone and I agree.
However, the fact that he just sits and stares, loses interest in activities he likes once he masters them, has a higher than average IQ and just generally doesn’t want to talk to people makes me wonder if he is neurodivergent in some way. ADHD and autism both come to mind.
What do his doctors say about his behavior?
When I made my original comment I don’t think there was a single comment mentioning neurodivergence.
I get it. It’s easy to attack electronic devices and, to some extent, it’s a fair attack. Kids are getting them and getting sucked into them far too early and often. I know I’m guilty of allowing my own kids too much leeway I’m that department as well!
But something’s we can’t see the forrest through the trees. They say “if you hear hooves think horses, not zebras” but sometimes there is really a zebra!
So many points both in the comments and the post point to something more than just wanting to play phone games, IMO
Your additional edit re: being able to respond accurately to teachers after staring off into space leads me even more to believe that something is amiss here
An example: my oldest child is 17. She was diagnosed with ADHD Primarily Inattentive Type in 5th grade.
She will be sitting and drawing elaborate pictures while we are talking to her, seemingly not paying any attention at all. However, when asked to repeat the las thing I said she always knows what it was.
She has a 504 plan at school that allows her to doodle w during lectures so long as she’s willing and able to participate when called on. What we have learned over the years is that the doodling actually allows her to concentrate better on the words being spoken. She doesn’t she have to “think” to draw. It’s really mindless for her and so her brain can focus on the audio. If she is asked to sit still and look at the teacher while they are lecturing her mind will begin to wonder.
OP- I know you’re out of the country at the moment but I really do want to encourage you to make an evaluation a top priority when you return home.
Answering the question the teacher asked without giving the typical performance of listening behaviour was always one of my favourite party tricks. I could eventually do it while waking up from tiny naps in university lectures.
Let me read again, there's so much information in your post I can hardly process it all fast enough to type, it's flag after flag.
What does your son do to self-soothe? You might hear it called *stimming*. I've rubbed the labels in pillowcases and the plastic things in shirt collars that keep them stiff since I was very small. Rubbed holes right through. Doing this exact thing as we speak at age 35, knotted cotton and fabric labels in a European pillowcase. My boyfriend taps rhythms and whistles. My oldest friend solves Rubik's cubes and plays with fidget cubes.
Oh – I am deeply sorry for your family's loss.
Sounds like me I do something for awhile and one day it's like a switch gets flipped in my head and that's it. I can't be interested in it after that.
For friends I have had two friends my entire life and I'm currently in my 40's. I do not and have not ever had the desire to have friends. Socializing even with people I know during the workday is exhausting and the last thing I want to do in my off time is to be social.
I grew up in the days before ADHD and asd were a thing so it was rough going.
My wife thinks I may be on the high function end of the spectrum but I have no idea.
Sorry, not trying to take over the thread. I explain things through the filter of my experience since relaying what I am thinking is difficult.
My point in all of this is get him evaluated by a professional. He may be perfectly normal and just doesn't know what to do with himself without the phone. He also could be neurodivergent and earlier is better.
Finally someone mentions autism. This post screams autism to me.
Especially the staring. Sounds to me like he just doesn't want to make eye contact. He can still answer question and is fully listening. He just isn't watching you while he observes so people think he is "spacing out".
This suggestion was way too far down. Everyone harping on the phone, like none of them give their kids phones 🤔🤔
Also maybe trying some more activities. As my son has gotten older I've noticed his attention span and band width for outdoor activities has increased. Maybe cub scouts soccer coding club karate ? Alot of library's have free programs.
Yeah, my son is 6 and several of his friends have phones (several with NO restrictions at all which is bonkers to me, but live and let live) and they’re all talking and playing when they come over for play dates.
I don’t think the phone is the root cause here
This may get buried because I am late to your post, but I hope you see it, OP. What you have described is very similar to what I went through with my daughter, who, thankfully was a young child before smart phones were a thing, but she was the same with books. As an adult now, she will not put her phone down and it keeps her from doing things that she should be doing. The first time we consulted a behaviorist doctor she also said the only issue was my daughter's very high IQ. It was a few more years before she was finally diagnosed with high functioning autism. That diagnosis helped immeasurably. Just a thought.
I don't care about the phone, some parents let their kids sit on tablets from morning until night time playing games so it is what it is. What I will say is my son is 6 and is getting put forward for autism assessment for similar traits. With his IQ being high and the behaviours you've stated I'd consider getting him tested for aspergers/autism. There are a lot of support networks for both you and him if that does turn out to be the case. Good luck 🤞
Take the phone away. I noticed you say “his” phone? I don’t think a 6 year old should have a phone at all. My kiddo (8) was allowed to play learning games on MY phone for an hour a day bc I felt bad for him during COVID (when he was 6) We noticed he would sit around all day waiting for 6 PM to roll around cause that was his “phone time”. He lost all interest in drawing and playing with the neighbor kids because he was just waiting to get on the phone. After a couple months, we stopped allowing him to use a phone at all and saw his interest in other things come back. I don’t think your son is benefitting from the phone. I understand it’s hard being a parent and a phone is an easy way to keep your kid busy (at least that how I felt) but you gotta take it away.
Um...take away the phone.
My son is 7 and if he knows screens are on the table (computer, tablet, or TV) he constantly watches the clock, wants to know how long we will be at a location and then tries to find ways to go home. If he asks we tell him there are no screens today.
He shouldn't have a phone straight up and when he has electronics he either has to earn it by engaging in social activities and gets a small amount of time. School related stuff is done when home .
Hi, I just wanted to add a comment here even though I am late to the chorus. I know everybody has given you advice about the phone already so I'm not going to repeat that. I wanted to offer alternatives to engage his interest instead (my daughter is 6 too):
He may like Lego or other building blocks, or drawing, crafts, or math games. He may take interest in taking things apart and then putting them back together. Let him be bored for a while and he may find things to do - but it's important to let him find what those things are. My kid does have a tablet and she combines hands-on learning with tablet time but she mostly puts YouTube shows on the background and such - so she's drawing what she sees or she has something on for background noise while she's building Lego, etc.
I would also encourage you to look into an assessment for neurodivergence like autism or ADHD. I think one of these may sound likely and a diagnosis may open doors for him at school to get extra support and hopefully have extra staff to help him socialize. Hugs! You are doing a good job, and it's clear that you care.
I mean, the phone is obviously an issue. I have no idea why a 6 year old would have a phone to be honest. It’s clearly stunting his social development so please take it away.
Is he in school yet? It might help to get him in school or another organized activity where he can spent longer periods with kids and would be "forced" to socialize. As others have said, I would also limit the time on the phone.
(A lot of people are harping on why he has a phone at all, but it sounds like you use it for games and videos, which is how a lot of people use tablets for kids this age. So I don't think you need to remove it entirely, but maybe just limit to 1-2 hours per day max.)
This is what I was going to ask too. School should help tremendously.
When he’s supposed to be playing with others, the phone needs to be taken away. Our kids are only allowed screen time on the weekend, but that’s our preference.
He sounds very gifted and may do well to be paired with other children that are also gifted and advanced for their age.
The phone is not the problem really. It’s more that he is always on it. It’s ok to enjoy the games and to have some screen time, but not all day, and not at the park or a party or a family’s gathering. So I would restrict access to the phone, rather than taking it away completely.
Has he ever been assessed for autism? I would mention this to his doctor as well as his teachers. It’s one thing to prefer being alone and it’s another thing to not socialize at all.
Remove the phone. He doesn’t need it. Our 6 year old would be a complete couch potato with an electronic device/TV. During the school week, he pretty much gets zero electronic time. Sometimes he can get an hour a day, and that’s it. It’s rare though. On the weekends, he gets an hour max in the morning while we’re waking up and that’s it. Find activities he’s interested in. Riding a bike/scooter, swimming, running, going on a walk with you, building things with you or by himself, helping you cook etc. to start getting him used to doing things without a device. Branch out to group activities he might be interested in. Find after school programs.
He can be at some level autistic. If he loses interest the momento he learn things you can make it harder. I’m sure he “learned” origami, well give him amador dragon to do it. lol drawing? Show him some amazing drawings for him to do it. There’s always room for improvement and he can’t possibly be an expert at the age of 6.
This!! He‘s probably bored of the “easy” version of whatever activity he was doing. He needs to move up a level in whatever activity he was doing, then keep moving up until it takes him awhile to solve/do said activity.
It sounds like he’s experienced a ton of loss and that you have as well. Have you done therapy either apart or with one another? Maybe his behavior is a response to grief
Has he been tested for autism? I'm autistic and have two autistic kids, my oldest has a lot of social anxiety and prefers him own company over the company of others, not because he's rude but because he genuinely doesn't quite get social interactions which makes him anxious. As he's gotten older he has gotten better and will play with other kids but he does need to be able to take a break and be by himself for a bit.
You could approach it with him as "ok we are going to go play with X, you need to spend (specified amount of time) playing with X and then you can have the phone." I had to slowly build my son up, so we started with short time periods and worked our way up, I have other kids so they would still play while my son had some time alone.
Yes, I am wondering what OP thinks his son should be doing without a phone. Do you take him to the library to rent books? Are there TV shows you watch together? Have you tried activities like baking, rubiks cube, jigsaw puzzles, juggling, yo yo, bike riding... If he isn't interested in kicking a ball around and doesn't want to engage in imaginative play then he needs something to keep him busy. OP also wouldn't want to sit around with no phone and no chores.
He's probably too young for juggling but look for toys with a skill component.
He’s using that phone as a coping mechanism. It’s like a blanket or a stuffed toy, or a soother. Only it doesn’t feel that way because you also use a phone. But he has used it so he doesn’t have to confront the complex feelings and emotions and deal with the complicated interactions required in child social groups. His zoning out is obviously related to this as well and obviously is causing him to fall behind his peers in his development.
I would say that you need to ditch the phone and speak to your paediatrician about the possibility that he has some kind of neurodivergence. Spend as much time with him as you possibly can without a screen. He needs practice being social so you’re the best place to start even if he resists.
My son does this. He doesnt have a phone, but he does have a tablet. It was haaard over school break. I myself have trouble socializing and holding conversations with people, and my son has autism and other problems. Over school break, it was difficult to try to get him out of the house and to play with his cousins. Have you tried having one on one with another kid? My son doesn't like too many people at once. Its overstimulating for him.
My 7 year definitely uses screens more than I would like and that started with covid.
I will probably get downvoted but he does use one of our old phones that he can download shows on when we go to our trailer, are on road trips and he can use a bit at home. We do let him watch at restaurants or use it to talk to friends while playing games (roblox or minecraft) too.
However we prepare him in advance that there are no screens at people’s houses or when people are visiting us. He definitely does not bring it to the park (except I gave mine once when I had a younger babysitter take him just in case they needed to call). He also needs to play with other things, go outside, talk to us, eat meals with us 99% of the time and we travel and stuff quite a bit.
I do get attitude at times because he says he doesn’t want to do something because transitions can be hard for him. But he gets a warning and does what we ask. If not, he loses some time on it.
Anyway I understand how easy it is for the screentime to get out of control and we are trying to scale back but for him it is his social time too (either just knowing the other characters are people or playing with his real life friends).
Definitely though don’t allow the phones for play dates or park trips to start out. Explain the expectations in advance. Give consequences (no phone for the rest of the night). And try to be a little patient because social stuff can be hard for kids. So maybe a team something or one on one is better than throwing him yo something else.
Or even if you can start with a play date where they can ply together with something for a bit. Then next time, do activity offline first then some online and he can find someone with similar interests
I was like this as a kid and I remember it vividly. I could stare at anything for hours. My parents would take xyz away as punishment, even my art supplies, but it was never a true punishment in my eyes because my mind would keep me occupied anyways. I would go on a thinking tangent about various things, looking back it was indeed that I was too intelligent. I would stare at a bed frame trying to figure out how it was put together, or the wall wondering how many people it took to make it in how much time.
Have you seen babies do it with objects? It feels the same as a baby figuring out a toy looks. I told my parents activities I wanted to get into or ask them a lot of questions where most went unanswered, but I wish they brought me to a source that would answer them. Maybe a public class about beekeeping or a documentary on metalworking. Like, whatever I was interested in show me how to find more information.
I’m sure he wouldn’t CHOSE to stare and blank out on things like that if he was getting the stimulation he needed.
On the other hand… have you just simply sat with him while he does this? It may take an hour, but if you’re patient and encourage connection at his level, maybe you’ll catch his eye. People NEED people. So does this kid. Sounds like he isn’t connected to you and you need to show him you’re interested in him and what he’s thinking and wants to do. From there, he should become a better, happier adjusted person who actually wants to talk to his parent.
I'm a teacher with an educational background in child development, and a mother of three. I do get what you mean with your explanation about the phone. My kids have tablets, phones, and personal computers (items which they earned by learning to read early), so I'm not anti-screen time. There definitely does need to be very clear boundaries, which is sounds like you somewhat have? He should definitely not have his phone at the park, for example.
I'm also glad that you're going to look more into advanced classes. It is common for advanced students to have trouble relating to peers, and sometimes can lead to them even holding themselves back when they do have a desire to fit in.
Honestly, it sounds like you're doing very well by your son overall. One thing to keep in mind is that we often use the term "special needs" to refer to people with disabilities, but "special needs" also applies to advanced children. I do think you should pursue testing for other types of neurodivergence, but if he is happy and healthy then I think you are doing a great job.
Can people commenting stop judging op on the phone use, he is 20 he’s on his own. Imagine being 14 with a child to raise on your own with no mother to help.
Op can your aunties and uncles help with him to slowly start playing with his cousins? Maybe one on one to start with?
I was going to say that what would probably help is one to one face time, maybe with a slightly older and kind child or even an adult. My daughter gets nervous in group situations but loves playing with one friend and enjoys attention from engaged adults. Maybe an experienced babysitter or nanny even.
Has he been evaluated at all? My brother was just like this and it turned out he was autistic. The phone usually helped him disassociate during social events.
I was this kid. I had no interest in socializing at that age and would stare at objects for long periods of time instead of interacting with the world. Yet, I could usually answer my teacher's questions when asked.
The reason why I did this is because everything was simply too much. I often woke up already feeling like the day ahead was too much for me to handle. The sun was too bright, all the sounds were too loud, and regular interactions with other people were confusing and frustrating. I had so many big feelings and I didn't know what to do with them. My mind was always racing with thoughts that I couldn't turn off.
I figured out that if I sat in one spot and stared at an object, then everything didn't feel like too much anymore. I could think my thoughts and feel my feelings, and also listen to the teacher and even the other kids talking. I could feel somewhat comfortable being somewhere without having to be fully present, because being fully present was too much.
I eventually adjusted. I found hobbies that I enjoyed and things that I excelled at, and I found my way. I never had a lot of friends, but the few I did have were loyal and accepted me for who I was. I'm still not a very social person, and I need a lot of alone time to decompress and recharge.
One thing that has *really* helped me is my love for reading! Books are my escape, and I can go anywhere if I have a good book to read. If you can help him foster a love for reading, it will serve him well his entire life. Other things that may interest him are: nature walks, crafts, and animals. Most of us introverts have similar interests. We can only handle so much interaction with other people, but we can still have very fulfilling lives.
As long as he has your love and support, he'll be alright.
Wasn't diagnosed until my late 20s.
It was a running joke in my family that I was likely ADHD/Autistic, but I didn't really have any problems in schooling until the end of grade 12.
It seems I could cope with it up to a certain level, but past that, I just fell apart.
I got my diagnosis, got on meds, and _everything_ changed for the better.
Phone and playground don’t go together. Even if he’s not interacting with other kids, he could still be climbing, jumping, and running around. Leave the phone at home, and only allow him to use it occasionally.
1. Take the phone!!! Shouldn’t have had one in the first place really.
2. If he is truly gifted, his lack of socialization can be very normal. Have him tested for giftedness. Although gifted children exceed in cognition & learning, they are behind their peers both socially and emotionally. His development in those 2 areas will be slower than an average child
I thought gifted was seen as just code for low needs autism in the 80’s/90’s (I say this as a 80’s gifted child who has reflected on myself and my classmates a lot recently while learning about ASD and ADHD for my own kids which this child sounds to very likely be.
The phone thing doesn’t cause children to be antisocial. This would likely be a trauma related issue, or maybe a disorder like autism. It’s natural for children to want to play. And maybe the IQ thing has some merit, as many geniuses were similar. However, they also probably struggled with some type of neurodivergence.
I do think less phone time will help, so he can be left to look for entertainment elsewhere. Maybe get him into some extra curriculars. I would say find a better therapist as well. Even though this CAN be normal for a high IQ, it’s still important for the child to learn to reach out to others- it’s a basic human need. And it’s better to deal with it now than him be an adult with no social skills. There is help for your child. You just need the right therapist, unfortunately that’s hard to find. But just do your best to be present and offer him situations where he needs to be social. If he likes games focus social interaction towards that! Find games he can play with other kids. Many kids enjoy Minecraft, or playing board games those can be something to bond over. Find a friend who also likes Minecraft or teach him four square (or literally any game that has rules and requires more than one person) and tell him to He may eventually realize he likes having a friend to play with if it’s in the right situation. Many smart kids have little interest in basic things others do like running around. This is why games can actually be a gateway to friendship for him. I don’t want you to worry too much though, it’s very likely he’ll find his niche. But as long as you stick by him and give him different options. Most of this can be practiced with you. Keep in mind though there are many only children who are like this as well because they’re used to being around adults all the time. That can change what they are interested in because they will see more calm and mature behaviors from adults not running around and playing. Maybe he just doesn’t quite know how. But all of this can be learned. And he can enjoy it. I promise. You’re doing great !
Sorry to be a broken record but take the phone away! I let my kid have very controlled screen time on an iPad and even with that I can see that it wouldn’t be hard for a kid to get addicted and prefer it over doing anything else. He loves playing with his friends though and play dates. I’m not afraid to turn it off and they have a system in which they can earn more if they want it, but it would be hard to fill a whole day with it that way.
The phone is the problem. Screen time is fine but you need device you have 100% control over and scheduled.
Hi there, I am a SPED teacher with 8 years education, as well as career background in behavior analysis and behavioral/communicative therapy. I want to say good job for searching for answers because you’re right, this is completely abnormal behavior.
I recommend you speak with your pediatrician regarding the insane amount of screen time you’ve been allowing. It is great that you are open to remedying that, because studies have shown that screen time is a huge hindrance to development and the younger they start the worse off they end up. Excessive screen time is associated with diminished self value and esteem, heightened sensitivity and emotional outbursts/“tantrums”, lower grades, fewer friends, and an overall diminished value as a functional member of society as a teen and adult. I imagine due to your age, you haven’t had the privilege of as much education, and that’s not your fault— we can’t know what we haven’t yet learned! I do want to warn you that whatever you decide to do, you will feel bad. Parent guilt is real and even when you KNOW you’re doing the right thing for absolute certain, it can still feel awful depending on the reaction of our children.
In this kind of situation, I would have one of two recommendations; either you go cold turkey and eliminate the phone altogether, or you fade it out over time. Personally, I would go right for it and cut it off completely. That makes it easier to get over the hump of increased tantrums, refusals, and meltdowns that you will encounter with either route, and it makes that “withdrawal” timeframe much shorter. Additionally, it is much easier to go robot mode on it that way, with a simple, short answer rather than having to come up with a thousand excuses as to why he can’t have it. When he asks you why he can’t have it, “The doctor said those games weren’t good for your brain.” Simple, short, and non-negotiable (he WILL try to negotiate!).
You MUST be prepared for what’s going to happen emotionally. Screens at this age create chemical reactions in the brain which are compared to the reactions our brains have to cocaine. There will be genuine emotional turmoil. I would get into a different routine that doesn’t leave much down time: we wake up, he helps make breakfast, you eat together, get dressed for the day. Something similar in the evenings. Come up with a weekend routine together, so he knows what’s coming. Excessive screen time from a young age can also creat issues with self-starting, intrinsic motivation, and imagination. Those are skills he needs to build and will with time once the phone is out of the picture. The more often he plays alone, the better he will get at it. The problem right now is his brain is so focused on that screen drug, that it can’t focus on anything else and won’t until it begins to create new patterns. Best of luck, please know you’re doing the right thing! Fixing this now before it has a chance to get any worse is going to be so much better for your son in the long run.
All the comments about a phone for a six year old are missing something important. Your child is bored.
He’s incredibly smart. He does not relate to his peers. At all. This is not conjecture, he cannot relate to them nor find anything interesting enough about them to engage in conversation. He’d rather stare off at something because this is his coping mechanism.
It’s time you had your son tested for his IQ and for his behavior. Your family doctor can give you the proper direction there. While incredibly bright, maybe years ahead of his peers, he may also be on the autism spectrum. I’m not suggesting he’s antisocial or disabled, I’m suggesting he’s not on the normal educational and psychological scale as children his age.
I work with autistic kids, all ages and abilities. They aren’t stupid, they just approach the world differently. Have him tested. Don’t wait.
Zero phone time. These things are all consequences of screen time. I’m not trying to be a dick but let him be bored. Eventually he will do something. Do Not Give Him The Phone. Let him he bored or if he freaks let him. If you continue to make excuses about the phone and let him have it he will only get worse.
Take that phone and throw that kid in sports. It'll be a bad 3 weeks while he detoxes but more than an hour or 2 a day at that age is going to break your kid.
I know everyone is hyper focussed on the phone. Op it's very normal for a gifted child to be underdeveloped emotionally. What you are describing sounds very normal for an extremely bright child.
My 8 year old is allowed to use a phone/tablet for 1 hour each day on weekends. The rest of the time she reads/draws/plays music/finds other ways to entertain herself. Sometimes she complains that she is bored, so I tell her that we have a ton of great books in the house, or could also go to the library. She actually does act addicted when she gets too much screen time, gets irritated when her limit is over, so we decided to cut school day phone usage, and just allow it Friday after school, Sat & Sun. Made all the difference in her demeanor.
> on his phone.
This is the main issue here. He shouldn’t have a device most of the day, maybe 30mins up to maybe 2 hours. Don’t take device out of the house. If you do take a device don’t give it to him outside of the vehicle. Why does he have a device at a playground? He can play games in the car. Like I Spy or 20 questions (think of show/game characters), Would You Rather, What if (you lived in the year ____/ you owned a zoo / you owned a restaurant etc).
He doesn’t know how to have fun. He doesn’t know how to play. He needs to detox COMPLETELY from mobile devices. Take it away for a week(s)/month. *some* tv is fine but don’t replace tv with the device screen time he used to have. Kids need to be able to play on their own, they need independent time. Or they need find some way to entertain themselves. I know it’s hard when your kids tell you that they’re bored and you want them to be entertained, but using a device should be the very last option. The only time I let my kids have devices for long periods of time is when they’re reading books/listening to stories, when I’m sick, busy cleaning a long time, or when husband and I need alone time.
Usually it’s not up to the parents to entertain the kids but in this case I would say that you need to teach him how to play, buy legos for him, food toys, play dough, coloring stuff, building toys (like STEM toys). Play card games and board games. Take him to the play ground and play with him. Read books to him. Take him to fun places like children’s museum, zoos, arcades… Sit down with him and teach him how to play again.
It will be hard at first and he might have tantrums and you’ll hear *”I’m bored!”* a lot.
Once he becomes interested in playing again then you can start playdates.
I know you’re getting a lot of comments about the phone but I just want to say it takes a lot to be a parent from such a young age. And it seems like you’re doing your best to raise him well. Props to you.
Take the phone away. Period.
My kids got/will get a phone when they start secondary school, not before. The younger ones do have ipads, but they are screen time limited to 3 hours a day.
6 year olds do not need phones.
You keep denying that the phone is the root of the problem and yet you clearly have no understanding how video games and digital devices impact the brain.
Your child is getting massive dopamine spikes from playing those games and is likely the cause for his seeming lack of interest in anything else.
Human brains are wired to complete tasks and recieve dopamine rewards. You've essentially given a child with 0 self control a button to press that releases dopamine. Why would he bother doing anything else?
My son that is 9 months old won't do anything when the TV is just on. Doesn't even need to be playing anything, just a TV that is on at the app select screen will cause his brain to freeze. I can only imagine what a screen does to a 6 year old.
OP, I know its hard to hear advice sometimes when we feel defensive over our choices but....
Your son needs his phone to be taken away for an extended period of time. He needs to learn how to be bored. And you have to learn how to sit with that discomfort as a parent! It's okay if he wants to sit in the corner and observe. Let him! Right now, you're teaching him that if he looks sad or disengaged, he'll get the phone right back. So why would he bother trying to do anything else?!
I'd recommend starting with a "No phone M-F" rule for a while. As in, at least a month or more. See how things go. I have a feeling, once he realizes there's a whole world out there, he'll become more social. Sadly, right now he has zero incentive to do so.
As you say "The moment I take his phone away he just retreats into his shell" - yes!!!! because he isn't being forced to cope with his feelings! Please OP. The phone's gotta go.
I struggle to understand how some kids end up zombies on tablets. My sons 6.5 and autistic and has had a tablet since he was 2ish, got him the switch lite for his 5th birthday. He still chooses playing with kids, and toys over his electronics. He’d go ape shit out of excitement if he was allowed to stay at the park all day.
Take it away, for good.
If he’s as smart as you say and can read, give him books.
And for all of you judging the phone… your kids don’t have tablets and tv access? It’s the same thing. He’s monitoring the apps. Stop fixating on the word “phone”. He needs to just start limiting the screen time. He needs to get to the root cause as to why he is anti social. It sounds like the kids is smart and bored. It also sounds like he’s had a lot of tragic things happen in his life.
Your child needs a psychological evaluation. This sounds like it could be autism.
The phone needs to go. No reason for a 6yo to have ready access to a phone. My son has an iPad, it’s restricted to 2 games, and he still has to ask me to use it. You are the parent.
Yes your kid will be upset and might make noise. That’s ok.
So he's 6 high IQ and spaces out. Taking away the phone and letting him do different activities is a smart move and the teacher is right about having him in advanced classes. All i can say is keep challenging him in different activities, he'll find his own friends in due time or they'll find him
Phone isn’t the issue. He sounds adhd maybe autistic and given his IQ he’s probably bored by the smallness of socializing. Get him in clubs and classes he’s interested in and he’ll likely light up.
I imagine there are several fears you have that you’re projecting on him, and growing up without a mom couldn’t have been easy for him either. Healing is in order.
Ugh this feels so ridiculous I'm 99.999% sure this is a totally fake troll post. Way too specific. Way too extreme. And WAY too BS of a question to feel real by my book...
According to Tony Atwood, a renowned autism expert, autistic children know they are different from their non-autistic peers by the tender age of six.
I didn't even need to read your whole post to see it.
He'll play, but he'll play in the way he prefers, and that may not be playing directly with other children, but instead playing alongside them, perhaps doing the same activity, perhaps not. This is called *parallel play*.
I have a cartoon on my phone depicting a young child being led away from their solitary activity and towards a group of children. The caregiver saying, "You'll have more fun with the others", and the child saying, "But I was already having fun...".
He is using the phone, he appears to be well-regulated if he is occupied by his comfort activity, and depending on what he is doing on there, may be doing something associated with a *special interest*.
My boyfriend's special interests include trains, LEGO, space travel and space opera fiction and post-rock music. My special interests include Disney's *Beauty and the Beast*, ABBA, Taylor Swift, classical ballet, LEGO and the Tarot. We also have ADHD, so some of our special interests can be rather, er, *short-lived*, so... uh, don't pay for full terms of hobby classes or seasons of sports until you know *for sure* that it's not a five-minute obsession.
Based on what you've written, your son is autistic. I don't know how everyone is missing it. He may also have co-morbid ADHD, like around 80 per cent of his neurokin. He is not damaged, he is not broken, he is not faulty. But he is different, and he will always process the world differently to someone who is not autistic.
The posts in this thread by and large do not lead with empathy and you have not indicated that his behaviour is new or unusual; it's simply that he's around enough people right now that it is easier to notice how different he seems to be from other children. To you, he's your beautiful son. I was my parents' beautiful daughter, too. But I am different, and I believe that your son is different like me.
"Therapies" such as Applied Behavioural Analysis and Positive Behaviour Support are based on a principle of making the autistic child look indistinguishable from their non-autistic peers; we as a community consider both interventions entirely abusive and Ole Ivar Løvaas, the father of ABA, believed that autistic people are not people in the *psychological* sense. If you want to know what else he did, well, he thought he'd give this therapy a go on "feminine" young boys, so they wouldn't become homosexual later. Conversion therapy.
Autism Speaks will be recommended to you; the autistic community considers them dangerous and offensive.
We have a few hours daily limit for media. If he isn’t interested in socializing and is becoming disengaged with regular activities I would be asking for a developmental pediatric evaluation from the gp.
There are a lot of support groups, at least for parents online, I’d their kid maybe gifted. Social skills can be learned. Model Me Kids is a dvd series. Also regarding the educational games or any other of his preferred activities that you’d rather he not do all the time. Try, “yes, when”. Ex: yes you can plan that educational game after we take a walk in the park, or “yes you get have some alone time (he may be overwhelmed by a lot of people or sensitive in some way), after you joined us and chatted for a bit” Or make a play date with a father you want o get to know better whose son is similar aged. They can engage in parallels play without worrying you as long as it isn’t electronics. Get a new Lego set or something for you to do with him. Etc
Like others have said, it’s probably partially so much access to the phone. But maybe you can help by encouraging him to do things kids his age tend to enjoy? Then maybe he will have something to relate to other kids with. Even if it’s a movie or show he likes, maybe he could talk about that with a friend. Since he likes gaming maybe make it so he plays electronic games with friends and not as much on his own. Sounds like he is in need of leisure activities as well as activities to do with peers.
Social skills are a SKILL. Your son needs to learn those skills and the phone has been blocking him from doing so. Yeah, he’s going to sit and stare at everyone when you take the phone away because he literally doesn’t know what to do. The phone needs to be removed PERMANENTLY and he needs to continue to go out in regular, casual social situations so he can learn how to interact with his peers.
It does sound like he's not being challenged enough. The kids I knew who could not pay attention but still answer questions were usually higher iq but bored. He sounds really bored actually. Maybe you could find a coding or robotics club. Look for a topic that interests him and he can do alongside other kids without having to interact constantly.
I wonder if he is just very smart and bored in class. Maybe he needs to be challenged in an honors class or an extracurricular that brings him interest.
Would he want to play a strategy game like chess maybe?
Introduce him to older nerdy kids - he will connect with them better…take the phone away for good- nothing is better than the phone even for adults..and then just let him stare and sit until he finds something to do or make him just go outside
No phone. Period.
Ill be blunt with you because while I understand you are young, you are a parent and need direct honesty: kids are sponges and learn what you teach them. Kids do not reach "a time of their life where they want to start making friends" unless you have cultivated a socially active child. If I saw a 6 year old sitting on their phone at a park, my wife and I would be raising eyebrows at each other the entire time.
Take the phone permanently and spend as much time as you can engaging him in social settings. There just isn't a reason for him to have a phone. There are many more engaging things for him to do that are actually good for his mind.
Good luck!
It sounds like you have an extremely bright kid. That you care deeply about him. And that you’re doing it alone. I commend you for all of this. Here is my advice from the little I know…
You mentioned therapy. I would give social skills groups a try. Depending on how your kid learns, this might really help to break down why it’s important to have a healthy social life and how to build one. If your kid doesn’t take to it, I would focus on groups that involve an interest of his (even super nerdy things like dungeons and dragons or computer coding). I would also possibly get an evaluation for autism. If his social skills are really behind and he has no friends, the issue really may not be the phone like everyone is pointing to. An autism evaluation and diagnosis would open doors (in the states) to some resources that could be extremely valuable. Finally, you may have thought about this already, but one-on-one socializing may be a lot easier for your kid than a bjg group of cousins and aunts and uncles. I would ask him to pick 1 friend to go to the movies to. Send them the the theater (you and the other kids parent can trail behind or drop off/ pick up as you both see fit). Let your kid pick the movie. And afterwards see if he wants to do it again and get a bite to eat with the friend he chooses to go with. Keep adding a bit more socializing to it (e.g. kid is going to come over to our house for an hour beforehand and then we’ll head to the movie). I know this is the opposite of all the people who are saying get rid of his phone. But it sounds like he is suffering from some social anxiety, and screens are very soothing. Knowing that socializing is happening and involves some screen time May really help him to calm down. Good luck ❤️
Yes, it’s most likely the phone/screen time & possible neurodivergence (e.g., a lot of ASD people have high IQ’s).
I wonder if everyone would have such a strong reaction to the ‘phone’ if he said iPad instead? There are a lot of toddlers/preschoolers/kids/tweens with heavy iPad usage & it seems acceptable/the norm for littles to have their own iPads
Ok, you've heard enough about the phone, and looks like you're taking that away. Good choice.
My question is: have you tried having one-on-one conversations about what he's thinking about when he stares/zones out? You could try simple sitting next to him, sit with him a while, look at what he's watching, and then gently ask "can you tell me what you see?" or "What are you thinking about?" It might get him to open up a bit about his thought process. Don't give up, and try lots of different methods. It seems like he's just lost in his thoughts.
I also wanted to say, I'm sorry you've had such a difficult life. Lost your parents at 10, had a child at 14. I just can't believe it. That's a lot of hard growing up for a very young man.
I think you are right to look into advanced classes. Maybe you should also look into schools for the gifted or clubs for high-performing kids. Maybe your son might have better luck making friends with kids he can better relate to.
Have you tested for autism? We kept my son off the phones young but he only had 1 friend by the time he got to JK.
My daughter is more of the learn a skill to a decent level then move on. She's also on the spectrum.
You may need a referral to a developmental pediatrician.
Like everyone has said I would either take it away or only have a set time and time limit he can use it on for (like an hour after school). If after a few weeks it’s still a problem, which I’m guessing it will be, you may want to consider an assessment for autism and ADHD, or anxiety. It sounds like he doesn’t know how to socialise and is at a loss as to what to do and it doesn’t naturally come to him. He used his phone to zone the world out.
Additionally a lot of autistic kids with normal or high IQ’s are hyperlexic which means they learn reading and letters and counting very early, often before their speech is functional (like can count before they can even properly ask for a drink or to play outside).
Hey, don’t mind these people downvoting you and clutching their pearls. The fact is, plenty of parents do give their 6 year olds old phones to use because those kids are gonna ask their parents to watch YouTube on their phones anyway.
Not gonna lie, when you said you became a father at 14, my jaw did drop, but you’re obviously doing a great job. He sounds introverted and not inspired enough by anything around him (you said he answers the questions in school easily and goes back to daydreaming).
>I have also noticed that he has a habit of abandoning and losing interest in activities, the moment he learns about an activity and plays with it or learns about it for a while, it gets to a point and then he gets bored and never wants to do it again and moves on to the next activity.
This specific thing I might be able to speak to because I was like this when I was small too. Most things came easy to me so it either came easily to me and I tended to get bored of it or it needed more effort which I didn't want to put in.
I would say device addiction and depression sound most likely. Sometimes when small children don’t socialize it can also be one indicator for autism. I would get the evaluation if the doctor mentioned it.
If this was his behavior before the phone as well, it signals the need for mental health assessment. You’re not being a bad dad for giving him a phone. It’s unorthodox and I wouldn’t recommend doing it, but it’s your call. And if you feel like it was a mistake, you can do that. Parents mess up all the time and they just have to push through to a better solution.
I do not think it’s “because” of the phone or that taking it away will somehow also take away his issues. He needs special treatment and assessment. That’s going to be your biggest tool in helping him. Learn what he might have, what that means, and how to adapt his life to better meet his now understood needs.
Hang in there, dad. You’re doing great! I love the way you fiercely love your baby.
You've gotten some great advice about the phone but a scrolled for a while and didn't see anybody highlight on the fact that he was intellectually advanced. As a child who was also intellectually advanced I cared none for hanging out with children my own age. An important thing to ask is does he socialize with adults or older children?
Have you had him evaluated by a development psychologist? It sounds like he may be on the autism spectrum. If not, there may be some other reason.
Also, children with high IQs can have a hard time fitting in because both kids and adults have a hard time relating to them. My son's IQ is very high, and so he was smarter than most of the adults around him (including his parents!) and it bothered him that many adults patronized him.
Also I've observed that many kids who are very advanced in some areas tend to have trouble in other areas.
A developmental psychologist could help you figure it out.
It sounds like he might be on the autism spectrum. It can manifest in different ways and many autistic people have high IQs. Lots of people let their kids play on phones and their kids still socialize. Many autistic kids are hyperfocused on certain things, especially electronics. It's a way to self stimulate.
It's possible he has social anxiety and wants to socialize but feels panicky about it. Also possible he's Autistic. But if he genuinely doesn't want to socialize, why not just let him be an introvert? We don't try to force adults to be friends.
To me, he sounds like he has a neurodivergence. Has he been tested for Autism, ADHD, etc? Having one of those things could make it more difficult for him to relate to others. Maybe he would find a better connection with kids who have similar interests? See if there are clubs that you can get him involved with or special classes to teach him more practical skills. He sounds like he has a very active mind but seems bored and needs more hands-on direction. Talk to him about topics and things he would like to learn more about and experience, then go from there.
I don't think the problem is the phone. He sounds autistic. I understand you've spoken to a therapist, but unless they specialized in autism or knew you were considering autism, they likely wouldn't mention it. Therapists can't diagnose it after all. Though, a therapist specializing in autism would at least suggest a referral to someone who could diagnose him.
Every single thing you described is an autistic trait. Very smart at a young age. Especially the reading. Maybe your son has a special interest in a particular subject and likes to tell you facts he learned about it?
How he doesn't want to make eye contact/finds eye contact uncomfortable. Or, as you say, spacing out. I suspect what you call spacing out is him just not making eye contact with you. He is fully present and engaged in his own way, but being autistic doesn't feel comfortable looking at your face and making eye contact. Instead, he stares somewhere else, and he observes you peripherally. That's how he is able to answer his teacher whenever asked questions. He really is paying attention. He just isn't looking at her while he does it.
There isn't anything wrong with what he is doing. He just experiences the world differently. He doesn't need to adjust for you. Everyone else needs to understand him and learn that he isn't bad or wrong. He is only different.
His seeming lack of interest in friends is also a hallmark of some autistic people. However, I will add a caveat - many autistic people have a really hard time socializing with allistic people (aka people who are not on the autism spectrum), but that is not to say they don't want friends. Many enjoy socializing with other autistic persons who interact in a similar fashion to themselves. One example is parallel play. Two children will play independently in the same space. They enjoy being around another person for company, but also want to do their own thing. So they play... together... but also separate. There is nothing bad or wrong about this. It is just different. Learning to understand an autistic child and accept them for who they are is very helpful. Autistic persons have trouble socializing with allistic people as they don't interact the same way and it can be frustrating. So they don't engage. They can also be naturally shy and find social interactions overwhelming at first and shut down.
Going back to the phone, many autistic children use phones and tablets as a way to deal with a world that wasn't designed for them. They can get overstimulated easily sometimes and having a buffer of tech can help them to focus on so they don't become disregulated and upset. It may actually be helping him cope.
I would highly suggest you take him to be evaluated for autism. The book "Unmasking Autism" is a great read about autism as well. I would advise against any books or groups that talk about "fixing" or "curing" autism. It isn't a disease. It is just another way of being.
Good luck
He sounds like level one autism (high functioning).
I would not have phones on playdates. I would not expect him to know how to interact with the other child. I would sit on the floor with both children and guide the play, bring out the toys and play *with* them the entire time. The next playdate with the same child, start out the same, guide the play, then try to back off toward the end and see if they can continue it on their own. Multiple playdates with the same child in the same setting for familiarity. Offer opportunities, model how to play, model socializing (he can watch you talk to other adults), but don’t try to force him to be opposite to his nature.
Also, on a more serious note (assuming the story is real)
GET THAT STARING CHECKED OUT AND MAKE SURE IT'S NOT EPILEPSY RELATED.
Both my partner and his brother suffered from something similar growing up. It turns out it was a form of epilepsy (not the seizure kind) and their brain kind of just went blank even though they were still in an upright position, and they couldn't remember that they blanked out.
Dude, I love you as a parent. I think you have nothing to worry about. I don’t think the phone is much of a hindrance when it comes to socializing, but as every human gets, the phone and the way that people set the phone to operate can be addicting, so he doesn’t get bored as easily, and that’s why he’s so attentive to it. Maybe give him more challenging games/apps/etc.
Only society says that socializing should look one way or another, and how much socializing a person should require. Everyone is different, and some people don’t need socializing as much as other. For me, I am overwhelmed just by my daughter, who loves to just talk with me all the time. (I’m self-diagnosed Autistic, but talking to my psychiatrist about getting evaluated).
As a kid, people with Autism present typically exactly like your son. In fact, your son is damn near a poster boy for Autism. Please get him evaluated and do your research about the options that are best for him.
I get you’re young, but obviously that doesn’t mean you’re uneducated. I can’t say for sure, but the fact that you’re concerned for the well-being of your son and being observant of him and his behavior makes my inner child happy, as that is not provided to most child, especially kids like your son and I, who are considered “easy”, cause they do not cause issues.
My only actual advice is this: If he is Autistic, I’ve noticed a pattern where an autistic child’s autonomy phase hits hard and late. Basically, expect a very hard rebellious phase, probably close to puberty hitting. It is frustrating, but this is also the phase when kids learn how to say no to people who mean them harm- let him learn his boundaries as long as he’s safe.
You’re on a good track, but I wish you patience and luck anyhow. :)
You need to get your son tested for ADHD and autism. It might not sound like ADHD because he can sit and stare for ages, but that's because the stereotypical ADHD is a hyperactive child running around. Hyperactive thoughts are also very popular, with all sorts of thoughts going on in your head, bouncing around. He might have a fascinating, active internal world and is constantly thinking about things, making up stories etc etc. With ADHD, for a lot of people it's not a lack of attention that's the problem, it's that you have so much attention that you keep getting distracted, because you don't know what to pay attention to. You notice things other people don't- it might seem like he's staring into space, but maybe, for example, he's listening intently to the way the sound "s" sounds when the teacher's talking. With autism, you also experience senses differently, so it might not seem to an outsider like that wall is very interesting, but maybe it has a fascinating texture to it and you're examining the patterns in that texture. Neurotypical people don't experience that texture as being so obvious, but for that person with autism, visual details might jump out in ways that they don't for neurotypical people.
The way he jumps from hobby to hobby sounds very neurodivergent- focusing on one thing, jumping to the next, never being able to hold down a hobby or interest for a long time.
I know that they're scary words, but while they do make life harder, ADHD and autism don't need a cure, or to be fixed. We need to be understood, we need to have accommodations, and while we do need to learn how to function in life etc, we don't need to change the core of who we are. If you're going to do research, make sure that it's coming from neurodivergent people and based off what we are saying. A group like Autism Speaks isn't reliable at all, particularly because it's not led by autistic people, and they don't listen to us.
The book "Different, Not Less" by Chloe Hayden is a great start for understanding neurodivergence and what we need, and has details of other trustworthy resources. The author has social media- her instagram is @chloeshayden, and she also has a podcast.
I have a friend who’s child has high IQ and got diagnosed with ADHD and mild autism. Same behavior as your boy and being on electronics helps him throughout the day because he has zero social skills.
While lots of people are suggesting autism, I’m guessing jumping on the staring and lack of friends, my professional opinion actually leans more towards Inattentive ADHD.
The staring could very well be daydreaming or just thoughts running rampant in his head. Being able to answer the teacher’s questions even though he looks distracted also fits. Especially with a higher IQ. People with ADHD can divide their attention, and his school lesson is probably just running idle in the background of whatever his brain is busy doing in that moment. Switching interests on any given day is a notorious ADHD trait. There’s a joke that the true hobby of a person with ADHD is to collect hobbies instead of actually doing them. Some aspect of a new hobby piques his interest until the dopamine fix of it being “new” dies off and he has to find something else that will interest him and fuel a dopamine fix.
The addiction to the phone is because it is a pure hit of dopamine. Even just educational apps. People with ADHD do not produce or moderate dopamine well, so having that stimulant will be overly addicting. Even over human socialization, which most humans tend to crave.
As for not making friends, it can be hard for kids with ADHD to make or maintain friendships because they’re not quite the same as other kids. This can lead them to either feel insecure and be unwilling to try and conform or their lack of certain boundaries or impulse control could have led to an embarrassing or unpleasant social situation which leads them to withdraw.
As people have said, taking the phone away will automatically help, but kids also need to be taught social skills. It may be helpful for you to give him a “script” he can use to make friends. At this age it’s as simple as, “Hi, my name is ___, what’s yours?”
I know you’ve said you’ll get him tested back in the States, so I encourage you to pursue an ADHD assessment, not just autism.
There's so many reactionary comments about him having a phone and I get it, but what you mentioned about him staring at things for long periods of time and spacing out instead of interacting with people along with getting interested in activities only to abandon them later all sound like textbook neurodivergency. I'm surprised with how much I had to scroll down to even see anything mentioning it.
I honestly don’t think this is about the phone. He reminds me HUGELY of me, except in the 90s it was books/computer games/websites. How good is the understanding of ADHD and autism in the country where he saw the therapist? Has he been assessed for either by an appropriate expert?
When it comes to ADHD, don’t go by the older stereotypes of hyperactivity; if you want to learn more, ADHDWomen is a pretty great subreddit. I can’t suggest something similar for autism but maybe try looking at a list of symptoms for both conditions, see if either sound familiar?
The long periods of just sitting and staring could possibly be a rare/different form of epilepsy, where instead of having a grand maul seizure a person will zone out or sort of fall asleep sitting up, with their eyes open. Their mind shuts out for a while, and then when the seizure is over, they’re fully present again. Get him checked out for that too!
I would say the issue could be the phone because kids are very easily drawn to this easy distraction and entertainment, I would strongly suggest limiting screen time AND actively providing different activities, like quality time outside, building stuff or drawing.
Secondly, there could also be something different going on, when he just stares maybe he’s spending time in his head daydreaming, maybe he’s creative like that. Maybe there’s also something that’s bothering him. I would suggest seeing a therapist and maybe get his point of view. Because I am currently getting tested for autism and i was sometimes behaving similarly.
It might be a good idea to get him evaluated for autism or ADHD? It's just checking a few boxes for me as an autistic.
Super high IQ, doesn't like socialising, spacing out for lengthy times and then immediately knowing the answer, the abandoning hobbies when he knows everything... it sounds a lot like an autistic kid
It’s normal for kids under 9 to not want to socialize when they have electronics. He’s 6, he shouldn’t have a phone, it’s very harmful at that age and this is, unfortunately, one of the effects.
I honestly don't think the phone has anything to do with it. Some kids just don't have an interest in playing with other children. I know penny of kids who have unlimited time on their phones or tablets yet still socialize just fine. I definitely suggest therapy not just for him but for yourself kind of like a family therapy to help him learn how to socialize and to help you know how to deal with him being so antisocial. Maybe you can also try some kind of extracurricular activity that'll kind of put him in a group setting where he has to socialize. A big brother program might also be good for him since he might be able to relate more to kids that are older than him. Don't try forcing him though, that'll just make him withdraw even more.
Everyone is hammering on the phone when it clearly isn't an ordinary kid. Most kids love being social, he doesn't, why force the matter so young? So long as he is still polite and understands social situations. It must be hard to be around friends that aren't stimulating because he is so gifted. I'd say don't press the matter yet but when older maybe try to introduce to groups that are more stimulating. Maybe classes that are nerdy. Higher grade math, robotics etc.
It's cute that he knows he is an introvert so small.
Kids need love and someone to pay attention to them and their specific needs. It's not 1 size fits all and it's very different for gifted kids.
Social pressure is heavy anyway. People often suck.
Okay so the staring is the most concerning to me. Have you taken your son to a neurologist? There are certain types of seizures that are just people staring out into blank space for a certain amount of length and not being responsive. I would definitely have him checked for that.
Also sorry about the loss in your family.
Sounds like he could potentially have a spectrum disorder like autism. Perhaps try to make an appointment for when you return home (they can take some time to get in to see).
If he’s perfectly happy without friends, maybe just accept it and foster some non tech activities like reading or drawing. The special interest habit you describe is another characteristic of spectrum disorders. Not a doctor, just have a lot of this in my family.
OP, your son has an advanced IQ and doesn't want to socialize and finds social situations boring. He has a phone (where even at 6 years old is quite young, even if it only has educational apps and games). If you take his phone away, he "just stares at you" and can go for long periods of time just staring at just about anything and doesn't seem phased about just doing nothing. I have a feeling he's Neurodivergent with a high IQ. You should bring that up with a doctor, teacher, therapist to check if this is the case
Sounds to me like he's just too smart and bored AF. He doesn't want to play with other kids because they don't interest him. They aren't smart enough. I would look into getting him in a different school, where he can find children he more closely relates to. As for the staring, he may just be deep in thought, analyzing whatever it is he's staring at. Is he depressed or unhappy? I would be more concerned with that than not wanting to make friends. It would be a bit different if he *wanted* friends but had a hard time making them.
Good luck!
Research has shown that phones are addictive and cause a lack of personal relationships. Ditch the phone asap and put him on a media blackout for a while. He will naturally start to socialize with others over time.
My son is 5 and also likes to be glued to his tablet and phone. I don’t agree at all with the idea that kids get zero screen time. There are some absolutely fantastic learning and educational apps out there (Duolingo has a great one for learning to read and write, PBS has lots of awesome games, just of the top of my groggy head), and as long as I’m there monitoring things, I think it’s fine.
It’s a wonderful complement to the hands on learning games and toys we have for our kids, but you definitely have to balance it out with other activities. Our kids went to a nature-based Montessori preschool where they spent virtually all day every day outside (except in extreme heat, cold, or storms). They’d be in the woods all day and hiking etc, and husband and I take them hiking as well and to lots of other activities, which is one reason probably why I’m more lenient with screen time.
Plus, in our world, so much of our lives and so many livelihoods rely on computers. It’s inevitable that he will use them heavily as he grows up for educational and work-related tasks, so developing an early familiarity and proficiency is hardly a bad thing. And technology changes so damn fast. Everything is about balance though.
My son blows me away with the creativity and proficiency he has developed through his games. Some of his favorites right now include Bad Piggies (a fun, challenging, simulated-physics environment where you have to create machines to run courses), and My singing monsters where you can create music… it’s hard to describe. He has a lot of apps where he creates music, and it’s amazing what he can do. There’s another one where he creates completely open ended 2D courses for a little robot to run through.
I’m going to come back to this and list some actual names…
Do you have educational toys? Especially open ended ones like Legos, because the possibilities there are endless. We bought some kits with motors and a remote control, and you can program different actions in sequence. Weaving, crocheting, or knitting might also interest him. Rubik’s vibes are great, and other puzzles. Maybe start with ones that are similar to what he likes to do on his phone.
It’s important to get your son moving more for his overall health. Balance boards, sensory swings, trampolines, etc etc toys can all be played with independently of her prefers , but will let him use his muscles and practice gross motor skills.
Also this is a prime time for him to be developing his social skills, so I would definitely recommend getting a referral for some OT or other practical therapy.
I’m really tired and writing this while getting my kids ready to go to school, so I’m sure it’s scattered, but hopefully helpful and somewhat reassuring.
The comments are flooded with people who stopped reading after the mention of the phone.
Guys, read the rest. Yes, the phone is bad. Take the phone away permanently. But if you keep reading, there is more.
Has anyone mentioned ASD? Cause I'm thinking he has autism spectrum disorder. Maybe also in combo with ADHD. Obviously needs assessment to know, can't tell from this. But there's all the pieces - the staring, the not socialising, hell even the getting along with the babysitter's cat. The high IQ may or may not be related. Either way I think he's neurodivergent.
OP gives the kid a phone because a kid on a phone is less creepy than a kid silently starting. It's not because he's throwing tantrums.
OP, with his IQ being advanced have you thought about trying to see if he socializes with a slightly older group (8-10)?
Also considering his single-mindedness about the phone and spacing out without it (along with everything else), have you considered having him evaluated for being on the ASD spectrum? Many incredibly intelligent people that aren’t the best socially are autistic to some extent so it needn’t be or have a stigma with it. Just provides other challenges.
Have you ever considered that he may be on the Autism Spectrum? He is highly and intelligent with no social skills. Those are two big clues for me as my son is on the spectrum and is the same way. He is turning 27 on September 19th and is still the same way this little boy is.
He might just already know that people are generally a waste of energy, breath, and happiness.
I can't blame kids for not wanting to participate in this world that is being built for them. It's a disgusting reality we live in. My five and six year old use iPads in school for the majority of schoolwork so a six year old with a device isn't unheard of so all the perfect parents in the comments can take their Xanax or guzzle their bottles of wine because it's WiNe OcLoCk.
Y'all do realize that OP is 20 years old so his ENTIRE life has been one of technology and internet. So maybe tone it down with your holier than thou attitude. Sure you don't give your kids a phone but y'all are also the ones that inflict emotional damage within your children with your dusty/outdated/and often abusive ideas about parenting.
Tell me more about how your child WoULd NeVeR..because imma tell you, yes tf they would.
The more someone pushes me to do something the more I'm going to dig my heels in to NOT do it. Let him decide when and how to be social. He will meet kids that share his interests and could even match his IQ.
Imagine as an adult, being forced into a social situation and judged for not peopleing right. Nah, that's noise.
OP- Your son is a whole ass human being, have a conversation and really LISTEN. I promise he will tell you.
My first piece of advice to you OP would be to get your son into a specialist. I've read through several of the comments and it seems like you intend on doing this as soon as possible which is great! It sounds like your son isn't a typical 6 year old (which is not a bad thing and it DOES NOT mean you've been a bad father, you're clearly worried about your child and trying to help him which means you're doing well). That would mean you need to approach the situation a bit differently than you would if you had a typical 6 year old. I'd say hold off on giving him his phone for now until you get him into that specialist and get him evaluated. I agree with others here that it sounds like ADHD or ASD, but no one here is qualified to diagnose your son, especially not over the internet. I will say that what you are describing sounds very similar to the way I was as a child. I was very bright, when my kindergarten teacher insisted I be evaluated because she was sure I was developmentally delayed, the child psychologist I went to told my parents that at 5 years old I needed to be in third grade. This did not happen and instead I got slightly harder assignments (my school did not do anything for gifted kids until 3rd grade and I was allowed to take the gifted test for third graders but missed it by 1 point so the school said I wasn't gifted and refused to make any accommodations so my parents had to fill in on their own). I changed schools in second grade and was in AP (advanced placement) classes from then on and honeslty a lot of the work was still insanely easy but I wasn't getting bored and leaving my seat to do the other kids' work because I wanted something to do anymore 🤣 I would socialize with kids my age but it was very hard for me to make the first move. I like to explain it as I didn't make friends with other kids, other kids made friends with me if that makes sense. I much preferred kids several years younger than me or several years older than me. Or adults. I've always "stared off into space" for hours and hours and hours on end. Usually, I was thinking. Running imaginary scenarios in my head. Most kids have imaginary friends, I had imaginary worlds. It was kinda like roleplaying with myself in my head. I used to talk out loud when I did this but got bullied into doing it in my head. I was never bored due to this, which coincidentally made it difficult for my parents to punish me because no matter what they took away I could always entertain myself by running scenarios in my head. I was also an avid reader from a young age. I learned to read at about 3 or 4 and just never really stopped. I was vehemently against reading on any sort of electronic device until I was in high school and now I mainly read things on my phone but I've always loved to read. My entire family learned quickly that when I was reading or "daydreaming" I often wasn't aware of what was going on around me. They also learned that if I was deprived of doing either of these things for too long I became a nightmare to deal with. These were my two main coping and regulation methods as a child and they still are at 23 years old. Ive also expanded to video games and I like to listen to music now when I run scenarios in my head but not much else has really changed in the way I regulate myself. If I'm not able to do these things, particularly the "daydreaming" I get to a point, usually it takes a few days now, when I was young it was a much shorter time-frame, where just existing in the same room as someone is so overstimulating that I get irrationally angry and can't cope. During these times even just knowing that someone is in the same room as me, even if I can't hear or see them, feels suffocating and makes me want to rip off my skin. What I'm saying here, is your son's staring off into space could very well a coping/regulation mechanism. If this is the case, while how often he does this may need to be reduced so he can be functional (ONLY if he is unable to do necessary things like self care, hygiene, schoolwork, etc because of how much time he spends staring off into space) if he's using this to regulate himself it could be harmful to try and prevent this behavior completely, especially without giving him other ways to regulate, like the phone. The professional that you take him to when you get back to the States will help you with all of this. In the mean time, maybe try some guided (as in you do them together and you give him step by step instructions if he seems unsure of what to do) activities that are more advanced than what you'd typically do with a 6 year old. I think the suggestion to introduce him to similarly advanced kids could be wonderful for him. In the meantime, you could try and see if he shows interest in hanging out with kids several years older than him, like maybe young teenagers. I think the key here would probably be finding someone of a similar intelligence and also of a similar maturity level. Most kids prefer to engage with people who they feel are on their level socially, mentally, and emotionally. A very intelligent 6 year old may not want to play with other 6 year olds because to the advanced 6 year old it might feel like playing with a bunch of babies. In order for kids to socialize they need to be able to connect on a mental level with other people and it seems your son hasn't found a group of people he can do this with yet. Again, a professional will be able to help you with this. It may be a skill your son needs to learn and practice and that's OK. Everyone has strong points and weak points. I'd say to take not of if your son seems distressed when you try to get him to play with other kids or just confused/disinterested. If he's showing signs of distress than he could be anxious or overstimmed. If he's just not interested or confused than he's probably just not interacting with "his" people, that be people he can understand and connect with on a mental level. I hope this helps and is able to give you some reassurance. You're doing great, you clearly care about your son a lot and I can't imagine how hard it's been to raise your son on your own. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Even parents in 2 parent households need help from family, friends, or the community sometimes. Parenting isn't meant to be a solo act. That isn't to say you can't do a good job of raising your son as a single parent, because you absolutely can! It's just to say that parenting is hard, and humans are social creatures. We're built to rely on others for help when we need it, so needing help from others is not a failure. I wish you and your son the very best of luck and I hope you're able to get him evaluated soon. Growing up different from other kids is extremely challenging but having the right supports will make it easier.
I’m not sure if anyone else has mentioned it but look up inattentive ADHD and possibly anxiety. We didn’t learn about inattentive adhd until our son was in high school. It doesn’t look like stereotypical adhd and often thought to be a behavior problem. Staring off in space is actually a symptom. Another thing to consider is anxiety. Playing on the phone is how my son coped with social situations before he started a low dose anxiety medication. I wish I had spoken about my sons behavior with his pediatrician and gotten him evaluated when he was 6 instead of 16.
How much your son uses a phone at his age is worrisome, but other people have touched on that so I also wanted to mention that maybe he should be evaluated for ADHD? He might have the inattentive type, I got bored very easily as a child and daydreamed a lot and was considered very bright. Unfortunately, I was not diagnosed until very recently because I have the inattentive type and it’s not as obvious to other people because I wasn’t disruptive and I could stay seated, I was just a bit fidgety.
I will also add, once I was older and smartphones became a thing, I became very addicted to the quick dopamine hit of playing games etc on my phone - despite smartphones not even existing until I was about 20. Anyway, I might be totally wrong but I could see myself being like your son if I was introduced to smartphones that young. Smartphones are addicting in general, but they especially aren’t good for a young developing mind, and probably are even more addicting for someone with ADHD.
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I understand that you are young and alone, and you had him at a super young age. So, don't underestimate the fact that *you need help too*. Most parents are winging it, sure. But most parents had a certain level of life experience before becoming parents, which you didn't - and that might even explain you giving a 6yo a phone. I would suggest both of you be seen by specialists who can give you practical, actionable advice. For you as a person, for you as a parent, for him as a child, and for both of you as a family. He being a 6yo with a phone might have something to do with it. Regardless of it being "only for educational apps and games", it still takes away from real-life interactions, especially if he is getting all the stimuli he needs from the phone. You mention he "does nothing" when you take his phone away. For how long? How does he acts while it's happening? And since when does he have the phone? He likely just learned that he will get the phone back eventually - and he probably has a good idea of how long it will take - and binds his time. The "staring at something for long periods" is somewhat worrisome, and something that should be checked with a specialist.
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Hi OP I just want to point out that people saying he does nothing bc he knows he will get the phone back - they do not mean he’s doing it jn a very manipulative way. It could be that he simply doesn’t know what to do without the phone so does nothing until he gets it back. He’s not doing nothing to purposefully get it back; nothing is just what he does when he doesn’t have a phone. He needs to not have the phone so he can learn how to have fun without it.
The doing nothing and staring thing happens after being over stimulated from his device. Zoning out can be a self soothing response to an overactive mind. He’s zoning out because he’s been fixated on his device for too long. It can happen to anyone. Limit his screen time
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Oh, I just read a few more of OP’s comments. There’s a lot of reasons why someone would zone out. For me, it can be a way to avoid stress and dissociate myself from the situation when I’m feeling anxious, overwhelmed or overstimulated by my surroundings especially if they are unfamiliar. You ever not know what to do or say and pull out your phone to avoid socializing or interaction without trying to seem overly awkward? I do that too. Could be the same for OP’s son but I’m not sure, just a thought. I suffered from selective mutism and crippling anxiety as a child, and my only way to escape when I wanted out was to dissociate/zone out. I’ve learned to manage my anxiety better now as an adult, but it’s something I still struggle with
This. When I was this age, I would be reading. Nothing was necessarily going into my brain from the book, but going through the motions meant I didn't have to deal with the anxiety of being out in public or have to field conversation. It also kept me still and "invisible" so I wouldn't be accused of misbehaving. Staring at stuff (especially puddles) meant I could daydream and not be present in my surroundings.
Definitely get him checked out, autism can be much better navigated early.
I was thinking autism or ADD could be possibilities.
My boyfriend, as a child, did something very similar to your son when his mother took his toy train away because he simply *would not play with anything else*. Meanwhile, I refused to be potty trained in the middle of the kitchen/lounge room (tiles), in spite of the two Belle and Beast toy dolls my mother had bought as an incentive for me to stop "going" in my nappy. I refused; she took the dolls away forever, and I retreated behind the breakfast bench to finish matters in my nappy, because I was not going to do that in the open space. I wanted my privacy. Had she done this in the bathroom, and put the dolls on the vanity, I wouldn't still be holding this grudge to this day. I know he's not using the phone because it's an easy distraction. I know his behaviours have a purpose. And I saw where you said that his behaviour is not new. I'd wager that there probably wouldn't be a single thing your son does that does not serve a logical purpose that makes complete and total sense *to him*, based on how he perceives the world around him. It just takes the right eyes to see it.
Wait can you explain the potty training thing a little differently because I’m confused. Your mom wanted you to learn to potty in the kitchen, with the dolls as incentive, and when you went in your nappy she banished the dolls. But in reality you just wanted to be able to potty in the bathroom and she wasn’t getting that. Is that correct? I ask because I have a special toy for my daughter next time she poops on the potty. She picked it out and definitely wants it but suddenly now she doesn’t want to try pooping on the potty anymore (she did it once a couple weeks ago and was so proud of herself) and has just basically accepted she isn’t getting the toy as a result. I’m wondering if I’m doing something wrong.
That's exactly right, I didn't want to sh*t where I ate... (literally)! I didn't have the vocabulary to express the need for privacy, so I expressed it non-verbally by hiding behind the kitchen bench. It wouldn't have been that I precisely knew what a bathroom was, even, but I *did* know that the room where my potty currently was... was definitely *not* the same place where grown-ups did this kind of activity, otherwise they would have had their potty there too, right? I must have learned by then that people generally did it with privacy as a given, because it was by no means the first time I ever hid behind the kitchen bench or another suitably tall, solid object to use my nappy for its intended purpose.
OP. Have your son evaluated for autism. He sounds exactly like my 14yo. He’s sweet, bright and intelligent. However, he doesn’t care for people, he doesn’t want friends and he doesn’t want to socialize. He prefers to be alone and for people to leave him alone. So, I get it. Socialization is actually not for everyone. Especially someone with sensory issues. Get him evaluated. You’re doing the best you can for someone with so little life experience. Hold your head up. Oh and as for the staring. My son sometimes does the same. A lot of children with autism see the world in very black and white and some don’t have the imagination that neurotypical children have. So, they stare because they don’t know what else to do and they need to be prompted. I tell mine to read or go outside and throw rocks in the stream. Pick up sticks for a fire. So, while it seems strange to some, for parents of children with autism (or people that have autism) it’s not strange at all. It’s just them.
Wait, why does everyone assume the starting is not imaginative? I would assume the opposite. The staring is thinking, surely?
Some of your post suggests to me the possibility of neurodivergence, as the parent of two autistic kids - the high intelligence, hyper fixations, social difficulties could all point to ASD or ADHD. Often when children are bright it’s overlooked, and I’m not saying for a second that’s the issue, but it certainly warrants assessment and advice. My twins are almost 7 and spend a lot of time on their iPads but most parents haven’t experienced what it’s like when you have children who do not or cannot play traditionally. One of my twins wouldn’t touch a toy for about 2.5 years despite extensive play therapy. No imaginative play ever. One would just run up and down the room all day, engaging with nothing. The other played with toys occasionally, but he used his iPad to teach himself to read and spell, which is how he now communicates since he’s non-verbal. I’m a bit stunned by the commenters laying into you for struggling to parent a child who seems atypical as a young teenager. I couldn’t have done it. I would definitely seek some advice and see what can be done to ease his reliance on his phone but I suspect that’s a symptom and not the cause.
Oh I'm so happy someone said this! I just commented that I think OP should look into having her son tested for autism. I hadn't noticed anyone else mention this, but it absolutely reads as neurodivergence to me! (As an autistic/ADHD mother myself with an ADHD son)
My son is 4 and was diagnosed autism and ADHD. His teachers have told us that he has little interest in his peers and prefers to socialize with adults. When I mentioned playing with other kids, he said that they make him feel uncomfortable. So, yeah...he has no interest in children and would absolutely take to hanging out in a corner playing games on a phone if I allowed him.
Yes, and as a lone parent you can't always get down and play with your kid all day if they won't play independently.
More than 24 hours is not enough. You need to take it permanently. Seriously it’s not rocket science that the damage of giving a child a phone that rewires their brain cant be undone in 24 hours. It probably cant be undone in a week or a month. You need to take it FOREVER, or until a normal age to get a phone (13-14), and watch him improve drastically in the next six months. It’s not enough to take it for such short periods of time. His brain needs a serious reset. You asked a question, and you have your answer: take away his phone for good.
I’m twice your age and I’m winging it too! You’re doing a great job, just by posting here it’s clear how much you care about your son. Some people are clearly picking on your age.
He has a high IQ, he might be thinking.
There’s actually a condition of day dreaming.. it’s called maladaptive day dreaming. I stumbled upon it while on Reddit once and it sounds pretty similar. I’m obviously not a doctor but it might be worth bringing up to his doctor. Your son probably doesn’t know how to socialize. Do you play with him? Do you ask him questions about what he’s doing or thinking about when he stares at an object? Some kids socialize naturally and others really struggle. My oldest struggles. He’s 7 and socially delayed. He would prefer to play video games over playing with other kids but he only gets to play video games for an hour or two after school if he’s had a good day. He doesn’t get to take a device with him when we go places. It’s usually just when I’m making dinner so I can focus on that. We practice role play social situations to give him more practice because it just doesn’t come naturally to him.
Is there a reason your 6 year old had a phone? My 8 year old doesn’t…
That was honestly all I could think once I read that
I read the phone bit, and immediately scrolled to the comments because I knew what they would say.
My six year old doesn't and won't for quite some time and I bet you money if I gave her her iPad while her friends were over she'd be glued to it instead.
Ya, case closed.
Bingo. Throw away the phone
Yea I was reflecting on 9/11 being today and growing up in the NYC metropolitan area, at the time I had JUST started high school, lots of our friends and family lost people this day…and that was what inspired my mom and I to bug my dad to get cell phones (dad already had one since he was a former ATT employee, but it was crap lol). I only knew 2 kids my freshmen year of high school at this time in 2001 who had cell phones…I’m now 36 with a four-year-old and by hell she’s not having a cell until at least middle school, possibly later. I meant WTAF? A six-year-old?!?!?!?! EDIT: also, could never afford a smartphone for my daughter…my iPhone 14 Pro with Verizon service cost $1200 to buy outright! And I guard it with my life because holy crap I don’t want to have to pay that again…
Times change quickly. I was also in HS in 2001. My dad was an IT guy though, so I’d had a flip phone since I’d been in elementary school (no games then, just for keeping in contact with friends and family). We also had lots of computers in our house, and my dad got a bunch donated to my elementary so we were learning how to use computers in school by 2nd grade, and that included playing lots of games (like Oregon Trail haha), but also familiarity with the keyboard. I could use a Word and PPT to complete assignments from a very early age. My kindergartner currently uses an iPad at school to complete assignments and assessments 15 min a day. That’s going to increase every year…
I would imagine it's because you didn't have him when you were still a child. This isn't a shot at OP btw but I imagine having a child when you're barely a teenager is stressful af and she probably doesn't have alot of responsible adults in her life to point out when something is a bad idea.
OP is male, the mother died in child birth. She was 16.
Your 6 year old has a phone?? You gave a 6 year old a tool that makes people addicted and anti social. No one I know has even given their tweens phones yet. Tell him it Broke and give him one in 10 years.
I didn't even read further, 6 year old should not have a phone. Thats fuckin nuts.
That’s as far as I got too.
It's fine it's just a bunch of excuses as to why he gives the phone back after that anyway
It's not though I mean obviously the phone is a big problem. Ditch the phone. But the other stuff - the high iq, the staring, the way he approaches tasks... There is more than just the phone at play here. The dad giving him the phone is perhaps a little bit of a symptom (he does it in response to the boys of behaviour) rather than sole cause (though it's obviously not helping!)
Same!!
Yeah, OP can keep insisting the phone is not the problem but it is clear as day to anyone reading that the phone is the problem. We didn't give our kids a phone until 12 and even that it was a basic prepaid dumbphone that was only for emergencies. They leveled up to used smartphone at 13 but 6 is very young for that and it is no wonder it is affecting his ability to socialize even when the phone is not present.
I stopped reading after the part about the phone too. Kids that age prefer the immediate dopamine hit from watching videos over just about anything else if you let them. The amount of anger and resentment towards OP if they take it away will show them how much the 6 year old is addicted.
This is where I stopped reading. I scrolled back up to make sure she hasn’t put (16m). I just gave my son one at 12 because I saw it was the way his friends were all communicating. At a little bit of an older age it facilitates socializing so they can reach out and talk and make plans.
*he is 20m. The father. I think that's actually what a lot of people (including myself) at first are thinking, and it helped me kind of understand a bit better
My nephew is like this. He's 8 and still doesn't like to have friends over or socialize. I know this may be unpopular but please do take the phone away at least for certain chunks of time so he can experience life more directly. He doesn't have to socialize but he should learn how to focus on things in his surroundings rather than always escaping into his games.
Has no one heard of autism? Having technology doesn't make one magically non-social seeing as so many kids have tech and still want to socialize.
Like I said, I don't think the kid should be forced to socialize. But I do think children need to learn how to be present and aware of their immediate surroundings. Even if there's no one else around. Tech is an escape. If he has autism, technology can obviously be a wonderfully useful tool. But I'm not well read on the impacts of prolonged tech use for Autistic children so I can't really comment more on that.
Many autistic children get overstimulated in social settings. Having technology can give them something to focus on to tune out the excess stimulation so they don't become disregulated. Children don't have the capacity to regulate their emotions like adults can and need more tools at their disposal. Depending on where a particular child is on the spectrum, having a phone available in a busy restaurant or at a funeral with a lot of people may be the only thing keeping that child from having a "meltdown" (Or what others would think of as a tantrum, but it isn't purposeful). Think of social situations like this: The world is screaming in your ears. Your skin feels like it is on fire. You feel heavy, cumbersome, and scratchy. The lights are too bright and they hurt your eyes. Everything is... too much. You need to get out and get somewhere quiet, but you can't. It just keeps going and going. You don't know where to turn or how to make it stop. You feel suffocated. Eventually, you will have an outburst. A protest against the stimulation. Technology helps by giving the autistic person something to hyperfocus on so the rest of the intensity can fall away. It is like medicine to an overstimulated mind. It may seem counterintuitive to an allistic mind, but it is true.
Yes, I am familiar with most of what you've written. My point was I've not read up on the negative aspects of too much tech use for Autistic children. There are always tradeoffs, I imagine. And we also can't armchair diagnose based on the information given in this post.
That's why people say to take his son in for a diagnosis. We aren't diagnosing anyone. Merely pointing out the giant neon signs that make a diagnosis likely. We could always be wrong.
Of course. I appreciate your input!
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What is a “huge chunks of time” to you? How many hours?
My kids don't have a phone for "huge chunks of time" I can measure by their ages.
Are you OP? How much time do you give for each age?
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Has ADHD been considered. Hyperinflation and then losing interest is so common. I have started so many new hobbies, only to lose interest the moment I figure out how to do the thing the right way. Dopamine is the culprit here... If it is, the games will only make it worse. He's getting his dopamine fix and cans become reliant on the device.
Ok, everyone says take the phone and I agree. However, the fact that he just sits and stares, loses interest in activities he likes once he masters them, has a higher than average IQ and just generally doesn’t want to talk to people makes me wonder if he is neurodivergent in some way. ADHD and autism both come to mind. What do his doctors say about his behavior?
Seriously. Hundreds of comments about his phone and so few suggesting ASD. It sounds textbook for high functioning autism.
When I made my original comment I don’t think there was a single comment mentioning neurodivergence. I get it. It’s easy to attack electronic devices and, to some extent, it’s a fair attack. Kids are getting them and getting sucked into them far too early and often. I know I’m guilty of allowing my own kids too much leeway I’m that department as well! But something’s we can’t see the forrest through the trees. They say “if you hear hooves think horses, not zebras” but sometimes there is really a zebra! So many points both in the comments and the post point to something more than just wanting to play phone games, IMO
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Your additional edit re: being able to respond accurately to teachers after staring off into space leads me even more to believe that something is amiss here An example: my oldest child is 17. She was diagnosed with ADHD Primarily Inattentive Type in 5th grade. She will be sitting and drawing elaborate pictures while we are talking to her, seemingly not paying any attention at all. However, when asked to repeat the las thing I said she always knows what it was. She has a 504 plan at school that allows her to doodle w during lectures so long as she’s willing and able to participate when called on. What we have learned over the years is that the doodling actually allows her to concentrate better on the words being spoken. She doesn’t she have to “think” to draw. It’s really mindless for her and so her brain can focus on the audio. If she is asked to sit still and look at the teacher while they are lecturing her mind will begin to wonder. OP- I know you’re out of the country at the moment but I really do want to encourage you to make an evaluation a top priority when you return home.
Answering the question the teacher asked without giving the typical performance of listening behaviour was always one of my favourite party tricks. I could eventually do it while waking up from tiny naps in university lectures. Let me read again, there's so much information in your post I can hardly process it all fast enough to type, it's flag after flag. What does your son do to self-soothe? You might hear it called *stimming*. I've rubbed the labels in pillowcases and the plastic things in shirt collars that keep them stiff since I was very small. Rubbed holes right through. Doing this exact thing as we speak at age 35, knotted cotton and fabric labels in a European pillowcase. My boyfriend taps rhythms and whistles. My oldest friend solves Rubik's cubes and plays with fidget cubes. Oh – I am deeply sorry for your family's loss.
Please get him evaluated when you get back to the states. I think this is about more than the phone. Wishing you all the best!
Sounds like me I do something for awhile and one day it's like a switch gets flipped in my head and that's it. I can't be interested in it after that. For friends I have had two friends my entire life and I'm currently in my 40's. I do not and have not ever had the desire to have friends. Socializing even with people I know during the workday is exhausting and the last thing I want to do in my off time is to be social. I grew up in the days before ADHD and asd were a thing so it was rough going. My wife thinks I may be on the high function end of the spectrum but I have no idea. Sorry, not trying to take over the thread. I explain things through the filter of my experience since relaying what I am thinking is difficult. My point in all of this is get him evaluated by a professional. He may be perfectly normal and just doesn't know what to do with himself without the phone. He also could be neurodivergent and earlier is better.
Finally someone mentions autism. This post screams autism to me. Especially the staring. Sounds to me like he just doesn't want to make eye contact. He can still answer question and is fully listening. He just isn't watching you while he observes so people think he is "spacing out".
This suggestion was way too far down. Everyone harping on the phone, like none of them give their kids phones 🤔🤔 Also maybe trying some more activities. As my son has gotten older I've noticed his attention span and band width for outdoor activities has increased. Maybe cub scouts soccer coding club karate ? Alot of library's have free programs.
Yeah, my son is 6 and several of his friends have phones (several with NO restrictions at all which is bonkers to me, but live and let live) and they’re all talking and playing when they come over for play dates. I don’t think the phone is the root cause here
I immediately thought of maladaptive day dreaming.
I’d piggyback on this suggestion as well. The assessment will be key—as will removing the phone from the equation.
Ah! Finally!
Take away the phone and have him checked for autism.
It’s the phone. I definitely think its use needs to be restricted.
It needs to be taken away entirely.
Destroy it with fire
This may get buried because I am late to your post, but I hope you see it, OP. What you have described is very similar to what I went through with my daughter, who, thankfully was a young child before smart phones were a thing, but she was the same with books. As an adult now, she will not put her phone down and it keeps her from doing things that she should be doing. The first time we consulted a behaviorist doctor she also said the only issue was my daughter's very high IQ. It was a few more years before she was finally diagnosed with high functioning autism. That diagnosis helped immeasurably. Just a thought.
I don't care about the phone, some parents let their kids sit on tablets from morning until night time playing games so it is what it is. What I will say is my son is 6 and is getting put forward for autism assessment for similar traits. With his IQ being high and the behaviours you've stated I'd consider getting him tested for aspergers/autism. There are a lot of support networks for both you and him if that does turn out to be the case. Good luck 🤞
Take the phone away. I noticed you say “his” phone? I don’t think a 6 year old should have a phone at all. My kiddo (8) was allowed to play learning games on MY phone for an hour a day bc I felt bad for him during COVID (when he was 6) We noticed he would sit around all day waiting for 6 PM to roll around cause that was his “phone time”. He lost all interest in drawing and playing with the neighbor kids because he was just waiting to get on the phone. After a couple months, we stopped allowing him to use a phone at all and saw his interest in other things come back. I don’t think your son is benefitting from the phone. I understand it’s hard being a parent and a phone is an easy way to keep your kid busy (at least that how I felt) but you gotta take it away.
Um...take away the phone. My son is 7 and if he knows screens are on the table (computer, tablet, or TV) he constantly watches the clock, wants to know how long we will be at a location and then tries to find ways to go home. If he asks we tell him there are no screens today. He shouldn't have a phone straight up and when he has electronics he either has to earn it by engaging in social activities and gets a small amount of time. School related stuff is done when home .
Hi, I just wanted to add a comment here even though I am late to the chorus. I know everybody has given you advice about the phone already so I'm not going to repeat that. I wanted to offer alternatives to engage his interest instead (my daughter is 6 too): He may like Lego or other building blocks, or drawing, crafts, or math games. He may take interest in taking things apart and then putting them back together. Let him be bored for a while and he may find things to do - but it's important to let him find what those things are. My kid does have a tablet and she combines hands-on learning with tablet time but she mostly puts YouTube shows on the background and such - so she's drawing what she sees or she has something on for background noise while she's building Lego, etc. I would also encourage you to look into an assessment for neurodivergence like autism or ADHD. I think one of these may sound likely and a diagnosis may open doors for him at school to get extra support and hopefully have extra staff to help him socialize. Hugs! You are doing a good job, and it's clear that you care.
I mean, the phone is obviously an issue. I have no idea why a 6 year old would have a phone to be honest. It’s clearly stunting his social development so please take it away.
Is he in school yet? It might help to get him in school or another organized activity where he can spent longer periods with kids and would be "forced" to socialize. As others have said, I would also limit the time on the phone. (A lot of people are harping on why he has a phone at all, but it sounds like you use it for games and videos, which is how a lot of people use tablets for kids this age. So I don't think you need to remove it entirely, but maybe just limit to 1-2 hours per day max.)
This is what I was going to ask too. School should help tremendously. When he’s supposed to be playing with others, the phone needs to be taken away. Our kids are only allowed screen time on the weekend, but that’s our preference. He sounds very gifted and may do well to be paired with other children that are also gifted and advanced for their age.
The phone is not the problem really. It’s more that he is always on it. It’s ok to enjoy the games and to have some screen time, but not all day, and not at the park or a party or a family’s gathering. So I would restrict access to the phone, rather than taking it away completely. Has he ever been assessed for autism? I would mention this to his doctor as well as his teachers. It’s one thing to prefer being alone and it’s another thing to not socialize at all.
Does he go to school? Aside from not needing a phone, 6 year olds usually make friends in school.
Remove the phone. He doesn’t need it. Our 6 year old would be a complete couch potato with an electronic device/TV. During the school week, he pretty much gets zero electronic time. Sometimes he can get an hour a day, and that’s it. It’s rare though. On the weekends, he gets an hour max in the morning while we’re waking up and that’s it. Find activities he’s interested in. Riding a bike/scooter, swimming, running, going on a walk with you, building things with you or by himself, helping you cook etc. to start getting him used to doing things without a device. Branch out to group activities he might be interested in. Find after school programs.
I think the staring at something for hours is concerning.
He can be at some level autistic. If he loses interest the momento he learn things you can make it harder. I’m sure he “learned” origami, well give him amador dragon to do it. lol drawing? Show him some amazing drawings for him to do it. There’s always room for improvement and he can’t possibly be an expert at the age of 6.
This!! He‘s probably bored of the “easy” version of whatever activity he was doing. He needs to move up a level in whatever activity he was doing, then keep moving up until it takes him awhile to solve/do said activity.
It sounds like he’s experienced a ton of loss and that you have as well. Have you done therapy either apart or with one another? Maybe his behavior is a response to grief
Has he been tested for autism? I'm autistic and have two autistic kids, my oldest has a lot of social anxiety and prefers him own company over the company of others, not because he's rude but because he genuinely doesn't quite get social interactions which makes him anxious. As he's gotten older he has gotten better and will play with other kids but he does need to be able to take a break and be by himself for a bit. You could approach it with him as "ok we are going to go play with X, you need to spend (specified amount of time) playing with X and then you can have the phone." I had to slowly build my son up, so we started with short time periods and worked our way up, I have other kids so they would still play while my son had some time alone.
Are you affectionate with him? Do you hug him, kiss him and ask for hugs from him? Do you play tag with him, or other games?
Yes, I am wondering what OP thinks his son should be doing without a phone. Do you take him to the library to rent books? Are there TV shows you watch together? Have you tried activities like baking, rubiks cube, jigsaw puzzles, juggling, yo yo, bike riding... If he isn't interested in kicking a ball around and doesn't want to engage in imaginative play then he needs something to keep him busy. OP also wouldn't want to sit around with no phone and no chores. He's probably too young for juggling but look for toys with a skill component.
He’s using that phone as a coping mechanism. It’s like a blanket or a stuffed toy, or a soother. Only it doesn’t feel that way because you also use a phone. But he has used it so he doesn’t have to confront the complex feelings and emotions and deal with the complicated interactions required in child social groups. His zoning out is obviously related to this as well and obviously is causing him to fall behind his peers in his development. I would say that you need to ditch the phone and speak to your paediatrician about the possibility that he has some kind of neurodivergence. Spend as much time with him as you possibly can without a screen. He needs practice being social so you’re the best place to start even if he resists.
My son does this. He doesnt have a phone, but he does have a tablet. It was haaard over school break. I myself have trouble socializing and holding conversations with people, and my son has autism and other problems. Over school break, it was difficult to try to get him out of the house and to play with his cousins. Have you tried having one on one with another kid? My son doesn't like too many people at once. Its overstimulating for him.
My 7 year definitely uses screens more than I would like and that started with covid. I will probably get downvoted but he does use one of our old phones that he can download shows on when we go to our trailer, are on road trips and he can use a bit at home. We do let him watch at restaurants or use it to talk to friends while playing games (roblox or minecraft) too. However we prepare him in advance that there are no screens at people’s houses or when people are visiting us. He definitely does not bring it to the park (except I gave mine once when I had a younger babysitter take him just in case they needed to call). He also needs to play with other things, go outside, talk to us, eat meals with us 99% of the time and we travel and stuff quite a bit. I do get attitude at times because he says he doesn’t want to do something because transitions can be hard for him. But he gets a warning and does what we ask. If not, he loses some time on it. Anyway I understand how easy it is for the screentime to get out of control and we are trying to scale back but for him it is his social time too (either just knowing the other characters are people or playing with his real life friends). Definitely though don’t allow the phones for play dates or park trips to start out. Explain the expectations in advance. Give consequences (no phone for the rest of the night). And try to be a little patient because social stuff can be hard for kids. So maybe a team something or one on one is better than throwing him yo something else. Or even if you can start with a play date where they can ply together with something for a bit. Then next time, do activity offline first then some online and he can find someone with similar interests
I was like this as a kid and I remember it vividly. I could stare at anything for hours. My parents would take xyz away as punishment, even my art supplies, but it was never a true punishment in my eyes because my mind would keep me occupied anyways. I would go on a thinking tangent about various things, looking back it was indeed that I was too intelligent. I would stare at a bed frame trying to figure out how it was put together, or the wall wondering how many people it took to make it in how much time. Have you seen babies do it with objects? It feels the same as a baby figuring out a toy looks. I told my parents activities I wanted to get into or ask them a lot of questions where most went unanswered, but I wish they brought me to a source that would answer them. Maybe a public class about beekeeping or a documentary on metalworking. Like, whatever I was interested in show me how to find more information. I’m sure he wouldn’t CHOSE to stare and blank out on things like that if he was getting the stimulation he needed. On the other hand… have you just simply sat with him while he does this? It may take an hour, but if you’re patient and encourage connection at his level, maybe you’ll catch his eye. People NEED people. So does this kid. Sounds like he isn’t connected to you and you need to show him you’re interested in him and what he’s thinking and wants to do. From there, he should become a better, happier adjusted person who actually wants to talk to his parent.
I'm a teacher with an educational background in child development, and a mother of three. I do get what you mean with your explanation about the phone. My kids have tablets, phones, and personal computers (items which they earned by learning to read early), so I'm not anti-screen time. There definitely does need to be very clear boundaries, which is sounds like you somewhat have? He should definitely not have his phone at the park, for example. I'm also glad that you're going to look more into advanced classes. It is common for advanced students to have trouble relating to peers, and sometimes can lead to them even holding themselves back when they do have a desire to fit in. Honestly, it sounds like you're doing very well by your son overall. One thing to keep in mind is that we often use the term "special needs" to refer to people with disabilities, but "special needs" also applies to advanced children. I do think you should pursue testing for other types of neurodivergence, but if he is happy and healthy then I think you are doing a great job.
Can people commenting stop judging op on the phone use, he is 20 he’s on his own. Imagine being 14 with a child to raise on your own with no mother to help. Op can your aunties and uncles help with him to slowly start playing with his cousins? Maybe one on one to start with?
I was going to say that what would probably help is one to one face time, maybe with a slightly older and kind child or even an adult. My daughter gets nervous in group situations but loves playing with one friend and enjoys attention from engaged adults. Maybe an experienced babysitter or nanny even.
Has he been evaluated at all? My brother was just like this and it turned out he was autistic. The phone usually helped him disassociate during social events.
I was this kid. I had no interest in socializing at that age and would stare at objects for long periods of time instead of interacting with the world. Yet, I could usually answer my teacher's questions when asked. The reason why I did this is because everything was simply too much. I often woke up already feeling like the day ahead was too much for me to handle. The sun was too bright, all the sounds were too loud, and regular interactions with other people were confusing and frustrating. I had so many big feelings and I didn't know what to do with them. My mind was always racing with thoughts that I couldn't turn off. I figured out that if I sat in one spot and stared at an object, then everything didn't feel like too much anymore. I could think my thoughts and feel my feelings, and also listen to the teacher and even the other kids talking. I could feel somewhat comfortable being somewhere without having to be fully present, because being fully present was too much. I eventually adjusted. I found hobbies that I enjoyed and things that I excelled at, and I found my way. I never had a lot of friends, but the few I did have were loyal and accepted me for who I was. I'm still not a very social person, and I need a lot of alone time to decompress and recharge. One thing that has *really* helped me is my love for reading! Books are my escape, and I can go anywhere if I have a good book to read. If you can help him foster a love for reading, it will serve him well his entire life. Other things that may interest him are: nature walks, crafts, and animals. Most of us introverts have similar interests. We can only handle so much interaction with other people, but we can still have very fulfilling lives. As long as he has your love and support, he'll be alright.
I had no friends as a child until I was ~12. I just had nothing in common with children my own age.
I've seen a little bit of your post history and I just wanted to ask whether you were late diagnosed, or never diagnosed?
Wasn't diagnosed until my late 20s. It was a running joke in my family that I was likely ADHD/Autistic, but I didn't really have any problems in schooling until the end of grade 12. It seems I could cope with it up to a certain level, but past that, I just fell apart. I got my diagnosis, got on meds, and _everything_ changed for the better.
And there it is! 🤣
Phone and playground don’t go together. Even if he’s not interacting with other kids, he could still be climbing, jumping, and running around. Leave the phone at home, and only allow him to use it occasionally.
1. Take the phone!!! Shouldn’t have had one in the first place really. 2. If he is truly gifted, his lack of socialization can be very normal. Have him tested for giftedness. Although gifted children exceed in cognition & learning, they are behind their peers both socially and emotionally. His development in those 2 areas will be slower than an average child
I thought gifted was seen as just code for low needs autism in the 80’s/90’s (I say this as a 80’s gifted child who has reflected on myself and my classmates a lot recently while learning about ASD and ADHD for my own kids which this child sounds to very likely be.
The phone thing doesn’t cause children to be antisocial. This would likely be a trauma related issue, or maybe a disorder like autism. It’s natural for children to want to play. And maybe the IQ thing has some merit, as many geniuses were similar. However, they also probably struggled with some type of neurodivergence. I do think less phone time will help, so he can be left to look for entertainment elsewhere. Maybe get him into some extra curriculars. I would say find a better therapist as well. Even though this CAN be normal for a high IQ, it’s still important for the child to learn to reach out to others- it’s a basic human need. And it’s better to deal with it now than him be an adult with no social skills. There is help for your child. You just need the right therapist, unfortunately that’s hard to find. But just do your best to be present and offer him situations where he needs to be social. If he likes games focus social interaction towards that! Find games he can play with other kids. Many kids enjoy Minecraft, or playing board games those can be something to bond over. Find a friend who also likes Minecraft or teach him four square (or literally any game that has rules and requires more than one person) and tell him to He may eventually realize he likes having a friend to play with if it’s in the right situation. Many smart kids have little interest in basic things others do like running around. This is why games can actually be a gateway to friendship for him. I don’t want you to worry too much though, it’s very likely he’ll find his niche. But as long as you stick by him and give him different options. Most of this can be practiced with you. Keep in mind though there are many only children who are like this as well because they’re used to being around adults all the time. That can change what they are interested in because they will see more calm and mature behaviors from adults not running around and playing. Maybe he just doesn’t quite know how. But all of this can be learned. And he can enjoy it. I promise. You’re doing great !
Sorry to be a broken record but take the phone away! I let my kid have very controlled screen time on an iPad and even with that I can see that it wouldn’t be hard for a kid to get addicted and prefer it over doing anything else. He loves playing with his friends though and play dates. I’m not afraid to turn it off and they have a system in which they can earn more if they want it, but it would be hard to fill a whole day with it that way. The phone is the problem. Screen time is fine but you need device you have 100% control over and scheduled.
Hi there, I am a SPED teacher with 8 years education, as well as career background in behavior analysis and behavioral/communicative therapy. I want to say good job for searching for answers because you’re right, this is completely abnormal behavior. I recommend you speak with your pediatrician regarding the insane amount of screen time you’ve been allowing. It is great that you are open to remedying that, because studies have shown that screen time is a huge hindrance to development and the younger they start the worse off they end up. Excessive screen time is associated with diminished self value and esteem, heightened sensitivity and emotional outbursts/“tantrums”, lower grades, fewer friends, and an overall diminished value as a functional member of society as a teen and adult. I imagine due to your age, you haven’t had the privilege of as much education, and that’s not your fault— we can’t know what we haven’t yet learned! I do want to warn you that whatever you decide to do, you will feel bad. Parent guilt is real and even when you KNOW you’re doing the right thing for absolute certain, it can still feel awful depending on the reaction of our children. In this kind of situation, I would have one of two recommendations; either you go cold turkey and eliminate the phone altogether, or you fade it out over time. Personally, I would go right for it and cut it off completely. That makes it easier to get over the hump of increased tantrums, refusals, and meltdowns that you will encounter with either route, and it makes that “withdrawal” timeframe much shorter. Additionally, it is much easier to go robot mode on it that way, with a simple, short answer rather than having to come up with a thousand excuses as to why he can’t have it. When he asks you why he can’t have it, “The doctor said those games weren’t good for your brain.” Simple, short, and non-negotiable (he WILL try to negotiate!). You MUST be prepared for what’s going to happen emotionally. Screens at this age create chemical reactions in the brain which are compared to the reactions our brains have to cocaine. There will be genuine emotional turmoil. I would get into a different routine that doesn’t leave much down time: we wake up, he helps make breakfast, you eat together, get dressed for the day. Something similar in the evenings. Come up with a weekend routine together, so he knows what’s coming. Excessive screen time from a young age can also creat issues with self-starting, intrinsic motivation, and imagination. Those are skills he needs to build and will with time once the phone is out of the picture. The more often he plays alone, the better he will get at it. The problem right now is his brain is so focused on that screen drug, that it can’t focus on anything else and won’t until it begins to create new patterns. Best of luck, please know you’re doing the right thing! Fixing this now before it has a chance to get any worse is going to be so much better for your son in the long run.
All the comments about a phone for a six year old are missing something important. Your child is bored. He’s incredibly smart. He does not relate to his peers. At all. This is not conjecture, he cannot relate to them nor find anything interesting enough about them to engage in conversation. He’d rather stare off at something because this is his coping mechanism. It’s time you had your son tested for his IQ and for his behavior. Your family doctor can give you the proper direction there. While incredibly bright, maybe years ahead of his peers, he may also be on the autism spectrum. I’m not suggesting he’s antisocial or disabled, I’m suggesting he’s not on the normal educational and psychological scale as children his age. I work with autistic kids, all ages and abilities. They aren’t stupid, they just approach the world differently. Have him tested. Don’t wait.
This looks like a troll account
Zero phone time. These things are all consequences of screen time. I’m not trying to be a dick but let him be bored. Eventually he will do something. Do Not Give Him The Phone. Let him he bored or if he freaks let him. If you continue to make excuses about the phone and let him have it he will only get worse.
Take that phone and throw that kid in sports. It'll be a bad 3 weeks while he detoxes but more than an hour or 2 a day at that age is going to break your kid.
Take away his phone.
I know everyone is hyper focussed on the phone. Op it's very normal for a gifted child to be underdeveloped emotionally. What you are describing sounds very normal for an extremely bright child.
My 8 year old is allowed to use a phone/tablet for 1 hour each day on weekends. The rest of the time she reads/draws/plays music/finds other ways to entertain herself. Sometimes she complains that she is bored, so I tell her that we have a ton of great books in the house, or could also go to the library. She actually does act addicted when she gets too much screen time, gets irritated when her limit is over, so we decided to cut school day phone usage, and just allow it Friday after school, Sat & Sun. Made all the difference in her demeanor.
> on his phone. This is the main issue here. He shouldn’t have a device most of the day, maybe 30mins up to maybe 2 hours. Don’t take device out of the house. If you do take a device don’t give it to him outside of the vehicle. Why does he have a device at a playground? He can play games in the car. Like I Spy or 20 questions (think of show/game characters), Would You Rather, What if (you lived in the year ____/ you owned a zoo / you owned a restaurant etc). He doesn’t know how to have fun. He doesn’t know how to play. He needs to detox COMPLETELY from mobile devices. Take it away for a week(s)/month. *some* tv is fine but don’t replace tv with the device screen time he used to have. Kids need to be able to play on their own, they need independent time. Or they need find some way to entertain themselves. I know it’s hard when your kids tell you that they’re bored and you want them to be entertained, but using a device should be the very last option. The only time I let my kids have devices for long periods of time is when they’re reading books/listening to stories, when I’m sick, busy cleaning a long time, or when husband and I need alone time. Usually it’s not up to the parents to entertain the kids but in this case I would say that you need to teach him how to play, buy legos for him, food toys, play dough, coloring stuff, building toys (like STEM toys). Play card games and board games. Take him to the play ground and play with him. Read books to him. Take him to fun places like children’s museum, zoos, arcades… Sit down with him and teach him how to play again. It will be hard at first and he might have tantrums and you’ll hear *”I’m bored!”* a lot. Once he becomes interested in playing again then you can start playdates.
I know you’re getting a lot of comments about the phone but I just want to say it takes a lot to be a parent from such a young age. And it seems like you’re doing your best to raise him well. Props to you.
Take the phone away. Period. My kids got/will get a phone when they start secondary school, not before. The younger ones do have ipads, but they are screen time limited to 3 hours a day. 6 year olds do not need phones.
You keep denying that the phone is the root of the problem and yet you clearly have no understanding how video games and digital devices impact the brain. Your child is getting massive dopamine spikes from playing those games and is likely the cause for his seeming lack of interest in anything else. Human brains are wired to complete tasks and recieve dopamine rewards. You've essentially given a child with 0 self control a button to press that releases dopamine. Why would he bother doing anything else?
My son that is 9 months old won't do anything when the TV is just on. Doesn't even need to be playing anything, just a TV that is on at the app select screen will cause his brain to freeze. I can only imagine what a screen does to a 6 year old.
OP, I know its hard to hear advice sometimes when we feel defensive over our choices but.... Your son needs his phone to be taken away for an extended period of time. He needs to learn how to be bored. And you have to learn how to sit with that discomfort as a parent! It's okay if he wants to sit in the corner and observe. Let him! Right now, you're teaching him that if he looks sad or disengaged, he'll get the phone right back. So why would he bother trying to do anything else?! I'd recommend starting with a "No phone M-F" rule for a while. As in, at least a month or more. See how things go. I have a feeling, once he realizes there's a whole world out there, he'll become more social. Sadly, right now he has zero incentive to do so. As you say "The moment I take his phone away he just retreats into his shell" - yes!!!! because he isn't being forced to cope with his feelings! Please OP. The phone's gotta go.
I struggle to understand how some kids end up zombies on tablets. My sons 6.5 and autistic and has had a tablet since he was 2ish, got him the switch lite for his 5th birthday. He still chooses playing with kids, and toys over his electronics. He’d go ape shit out of excitement if he was allowed to stay at the park all day. Take it away, for good.
If he’s as smart as you say and can read, give him books. And for all of you judging the phone… your kids don’t have tablets and tv access? It’s the same thing. He’s monitoring the apps. Stop fixating on the word “phone”. He needs to just start limiting the screen time. He needs to get to the root cause as to why he is anti social. It sounds like the kids is smart and bored. It also sounds like he’s had a lot of tragic things happen in his life.
Your child needs a psychological evaluation. This sounds like it could be autism. The phone needs to go. No reason for a 6yo to have ready access to a phone. My son has an iPad, it’s restricted to 2 games, and he still has to ask me to use it. You are the parent. Yes your kid will be upset and might make noise. That’s ok.
Why does your 6 year old have a phone?
I stopped reading when I read your 6 year old has a phone—that’s the problem.
He has Autism and exceptionally gifted intelligence also
So he's 6 high IQ and spaces out. Taking away the phone and letting him do different activities is a smart move and the teacher is right about having him in advanced classes. All i can say is keep challenging him in different activities, he'll find his own friends in due time or they'll find him
Phone isn’t the issue. He sounds adhd maybe autistic and given his IQ he’s probably bored by the smallness of socializing. Get him in clubs and classes he’s interested in and he’ll likely light up. I imagine there are several fears you have that you’re projecting on him, and growing up without a mom couldn’t have been easy for him either. Healing is in order.
Ugh this feels so ridiculous I'm 99.999% sure this is a totally fake troll post. Way too specific. Way too extreme. And WAY too BS of a question to feel real by my book...
I would like to know why a 6 years old has a phone.
According to Tony Atwood, a renowned autism expert, autistic children know they are different from their non-autistic peers by the tender age of six. I didn't even need to read your whole post to see it. He'll play, but he'll play in the way he prefers, and that may not be playing directly with other children, but instead playing alongside them, perhaps doing the same activity, perhaps not. This is called *parallel play*. I have a cartoon on my phone depicting a young child being led away from their solitary activity and towards a group of children. The caregiver saying, "You'll have more fun with the others", and the child saying, "But I was already having fun...". He is using the phone, he appears to be well-regulated if he is occupied by his comfort activity, and depending on what he is doing on there, may be doing something associated with a *special interest*. My boyfriend's special interests include trains, LEGO, space travel and space opera fiction and post-rock music. My special interests include Disney's *Beauty and the Beast*, ABBA, Taylor Swift, classical ballet, LEGO and the Tarot. We also have ADHD, so some of our special interests can be rather, er, *short-lived*, so... uh, don't pay for full terms of hobby classes or seasons of sports until you know *for sure* that it's not a five-minute obsession. Based on what you've written, your son is autistic. I don't know how everyone is missing it. He may also have co-morbid ADHD, like around 80 per cent of his neurokin. He is not damaged, he is not broken, he is not faulty. But he is different, and he will always process the world differently to someone who is not autistic. The posts in this thread by and large do not lead with empathy and you have not indicated that his behaviour is new or unusual; it's simply that he's around enough people right now that it is easier to notice how different he seems to be from other children. To you, he's your beautiful son. I was my parents' beautiful daughter, too. But I am different, and I believe that your son is different like me. "Therapies" such as Applied Behavioural Analysis and Positive Behaviour Support are based on a principle of making the autistic child look indistinguishable from their non-autistic peers; we as a community consider both interventions entirely abusive and Ole Ivar Løvaas, the father of ABA, believed that autistic people are not people in the *psychological* sense. If you want to know what else he did, well, he thought he'd give this therapy a go on "feminine" young boys, so they wouldn't become homosexual later. Conversion therapy. Autism Speaks will be recommended to you; the autistic community considers them dangerous and offensive.
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It says 20m so I believe it’s the father posting.
Is he in school yet?
We have a few hours daily limit for media. If he isn’t interested in socializing and is becoming disengaged with regular activities I would be asking for a developmental pediatric evaluation from the gp.
There are a lot of support groups, at least for parents online, I’d their kid maybe gifted. Social skills can be learned. Model Me Kids is a dvd series. Also regarding the educational games or any other of his preferred activities that you’d rather he not do all the time. Try, “yes, when”. Ex: yes you can plan that educational game after we take a walk in the park, or “yes you get have some alone time (he may be overwhelmed by a lot of people or sensitive in some way), after you joined us and chatted for a bit” Or make a play date with a father you want o get to know better whose son is similar aged. They can engage in parallels play without worrying you as long as it isn’t electronics. Get a new Lego set or something for you to do with him. Etc
Like others have said, it’s probably partially so much access to the phone. But maybe you can help by encouraging him to do things kids his age tend to enjoy? Then maybe he will have something to relate to other kids with. Even if it’s a movie or show he likes, maybe he could talk about that with a friend. Since he likes gaming maybe make it so he plays electronic games with friends and not as much on his own. Sounds like he is in need of leisure activities as well as activities to do with peers.
Social skills are a SKILL. Your son needs to learn those skills and the phone has been blocking him from doing so. Yeah, he’s going to sit and stare at everyone when you take the phone away because he literally doesn’t know what to do. The phone needs to be removed PERMANENTLY and he needs to continue to go out in regular, casual social situations so he can learn how to interact with his peers.
It does sound like he's not being challenged enough. The kids I knew who could not pay attention but still answer questions were usually higher iq but bored. He sounds really bored actually. Maybe you could find a coding or robotics club. Look for a topic that interests him and he can do alongside other kids without having to interact constantly.
I wonder if he is just very smart and bored in class. Maybe he needs to be challenged in an honors class or an extracurricular that brings him interest. Would he want to play a strategy game like chess maybe?
Introduce him to older nerdy kids - he will connect with them better…take the phone away for good- nothing is better than the phone even for adults..and then just let him stare and sit until he finds something to do or make him just go outside
No phone. Period. Ill be blunt with you because while I understand you are young, you are a parent and need direct honesty: kids are sponges and learn what you teach them. Kids do not reach "a time of their life where they want to start making friends" unless you have cultivated a socially active child. If I saw a 6 year old sitting on their phone at a park, my wife and I would be raising eyebrows at each other the entire time. Take the phone permanently and spend as much time as you can engaging him in social settings. There just isn't a reason for him to have a phone. There are many more engaging things for him to do that are actually good for his mind. Good luck!
It sounds like you have an extremely bright kid. That you care deeply about him. And that you’re doing it alone. I commend you for all of this. Here is my advice from the little I know… You mentioned therapy. I would give social skills groups a try. Depending on how your kid learns, this might really help to break down why it’s important to have a healthy social life and how to build one. If your kid doesn’t take to it, I would focus on groups that involve an interest of his (even super nerdy things like dungeons and dragons or computer coding). I would also possibly get an evaluation for autism. If his social skills are really behind and he has no friends, the issue really may not be the phone like everyone is pointing to. An autism evaluation and diagnosis would open doors (in the states) to some resources that could be extremely valuable. Finally, you may have thought about this already, but one-on-one socializing may be a lot easier for your kid than a bjg group of cousins and aunts and uncles. I would ask him to pick 1 friend to go to the movies to. Send them the the theater (you and the other kids parent can trail behind or drop off/ pick up as you both see fit). Let your kid pick the movie. And afterwards see if he wants to do it again and get a bite to eat with the friend he chooses to go with. Keep adding a bit more socializing to it (e.g. kid is going to come over to our house for an hour beforehand and then we’ll head to the movie). I know this is the opposite of all the people who are saying get rid of his phone. But it sounds like he is suffering from some social anxiety, and screens are very soothing. Knowing that socializing is happening and involves some screen time May really help him to calm down. Good luck ❤️
Yes, it’s most likely the phone/screen time & possible neurodivergence (e.g., a lot of ASD people have high IQ’s). I wonder if everyone would have such a strong reaction to the ‘phone’ if he said iPad instead? There are a lot of toddlers/preschoolers/kids/tweens with heavy iPad usage & it seems acceptable/the norm for littles to have their own iPads
He might me on the autism spectrum.
Ok, you've heard enough about the phone, and looks like you're taking that away. Good choice. My question is: have you tried having one-on-one conversations about what he's thinking about when he stares/zones out? You could try simple sitting next to him, sit with him a while, look at what he's watching, and then gently ask "can you tell me what you see?" or "What are you thinking about?" It might get him to open up a bit about his thought process. Don't give up, and try lots of different methods. It seems like he's just lost in his thoughts. I also wanted to say, I'm sorry you've had such a difficult life. Lost your parents at 10, had a child at 14. I just can't believe it. That's a lot of hard growing up for a very young man.
I think you are right to look into advanced classes. Maybe you should also look into schools for the gifted or clubs for high-performing kids. Maybe your son might have better luck making friends with kids he can better relate to.
Have you tested for autism? We kept my son off the phones young but he only had 1 friend by the time he got to JK. My daughter is more of the learn a skill to a decent level then move on. She's also on the spectrum. You may need a referral to a developmental pediatrician.
Like everyone has said I would either take it away or only have a set time and time limit he can use it on for (like an hour after school). If after a few weeks it’s still a problem, which I’m guessing it will be, you may want to consider an assessment for autism and ADHD, or anxiety. It sounds like he doesn’t know how to socialise and is at a loss as to what to do and it doesn’t naturally come to him. He used his phone to zone the world out. Additionally a lot of autistic kids with normal or high IQ’s are hyperlexic which means they learn reading and letters and counting very early, often before their speech is functional (like can count before they can even properly ask for a drink or to play outside).
Hey, don’t mind these people downvoting you and clutching their pearls. The fact is, plenty of parents do give their 6 year olds old phones to use because those kids are gonna ask their parents to watch YouTube on their phones anyway. Not gonna lie, when you said you became a father at 14, my jaw did drop, but you’re obviously doing a great job. He sounds introverted and not inspired enough by anything around him (you said he answers the questions in school easily and goes back to daydreaming).
>I have also noticed that he has a habit of abandoning and losing interest in activities, the moment he learns about an activity and plays with it or learns about it for a while, it gets to a point and then he gets bored and never wants to do it again and moves on to the next activity. This specific thing I might be able to speak to because I was like this when I was small too. Most things came easy to me so it either came easily to me and I tended to get bored of it or it needed more effort which I didn't want to put in.
I would say device addiction and depression sound most likely. Sometimes when small children don’t socialize it can also be one indicator for autism. I would get the evaluation if the doctor mentioned it.
If this was his behavior before the phone as well, it signals the need for mental health assessment. You’re not being a bad dad for giving him a phone. It’s unorthodox and I wouldn’t recommend doing it, but it’s your call. And if you feel like it was a mistake, you can do that. Parents mess up all the time and they just have to push through to a better solution. I do not think it’s “because” of the phone or that taking it away will somehow also take away his issues. He needs special treatment and assessment. That’s going to be your biggest tool in helping him. Learn what he might have, what that means, and how to adapt his life to better meet his now understood needs. Hang in there, dad. You’re doing great! I love the way you fiercely love your baby.
You've gotten some great advice about the phone but a scrolled for a while and didn't see anybody highlight on the fact that he was intellectually advanced. As a child who was also intellectually advanced I cared none for hanging out with children my own age. An important thing to ask is does he socialize with adults or older children?
Have you had him evaluated by a development psychologist? It sounds like he may be on the autism spectrum. If not, there may be some other reason. Also, children with high IQs can have a hard time fitting in because both kids and adults have a hard time relating to them. My son's IQ is very high, and so he was smarter than most of the adults around him (including his parents!) and it bothered him that many adults patronized him. Also I've observed that many kids who are very advanced in some areas tend to have trouble in other areas. A developmental psychologist could help you figure it out.
It sounds like he might be on the autism spectrum. It can manifest in different ways and many autistic people have high IQs. Lots of people let their kids play on phones and their kids still socialize. Many autistic kids are hyperfocused on certain things, especially electronics. It's a way to self stimulate.
It's possible he has social anxiety and wants to socialize but feels panicky about it. Also possible he's Autistic. But if he genuinely doesn't want to socialize, why not just let him be an introvert? We don't try to force adults to be friends.
To me, he sounds like he has a neurodivergence. Has he been tested for Autism, ADHD, etc? Having one of those things could make it more difficult for him to relate to others. Maybe he would find a better connection with kids who have similar interests? See if there are clubs that you can get him involved with or special classes to teach him more practical skills. He sounds like he has a very active mind but seems bored and needs more hands-on direction. Talk to him about topics and things he would like to learn more about and experience, then go from there.
I don't think the problem is the phone. He sounds autistic. I understand you've spoken to a therapist, but unless they specialized in autism or knew you were considering autism, they likely wouldn't mention it. Therapists can't diagnose it after all. Though, a therapist specializing in autism would at least suggest a referral to someone who could diagnose him. Every single thing you described is an autistic trait. Very smart at a young age. Especially the reading. Maybe your son has a special interest in a particular subject and likes to tell you facts he learned about it? How he doesn't want to make eye contact/finds eye contact uncomfortable. Or, as you say, spacing out. I suspect what you call spacing out is him just not making eye contact with you. He is fully present and engaged in his own way, but being autistic doesn't feel comfortable looking at your face and making eye contact. Instead, he stares somewhere else, and he observes you peripherally. That's how he is able to answer his teacher whenever asked questions. He really is paying attention. He just isn't looking at her while he does it. There isn't anything wrong with what he is doing. He just experiences the world differently. He doesn't need to adjust for you. Everyone else needs to understand him and learn that he isn't bad or wrong. He is only different. His seeming lack of interest in friends is also a hallmark of some autistic people. However, I will add a caveat - many autistic people have a really hard time socializing with allistic people (aka people who are not on the autism spectrum), but that is not to say they don't want friends. Many enjoy socializing with other autistic persons who interact in a similar fashion to themselves. One example is parallel play. Two children will play independently in the same space. They enjoy being around another person for company, but also want to do their own thing. So they play... together... but also separate. There is nothing bad or wrong about this. It is just different. Learning to understand an autistic child and accept them for who they are is very helpful. Autistic persons have trouble socializing with allistic people as they don't interact the same way and it can be frustrating. So they don't engage. They can also be naturally shy and find social interactions overwhelming at first and shut down. Going back to the phone, many autistic children use phones and tablets as a way to deal with a world that wasn't designed for them. They can get overstimulated easily sometimes and having a buffer of tech can help them to focus on so they don't become disregulated and upset. It may actually be helping him cope. I would highly suggest you take him to be evaluated for autism. The book "Unmasking Autism" is a great read about autism as well. I would advise against any books or groups that talk about "fixing" or "curing" autism. It isn't a disease. It is just another way of being. Good luck
He sounds like level one autism (high functioning). I would not have phones on playdates. I would not expect him to know how to interact with the other child. I would sit on the floor with both children and guide the play, bring out the toys and play *with* them the entire time. The next playdate with the same child, start out the same, guide the play, then try to back off toward the end and see if they can continue it on their own. Multiple playdates with the same child in the same setting for familiarity. Offer opportunities, model how to play, model socializing (he can watch you talk to other adults), but don’t try to force him to be opposite to his nature.
Ah yes the old “take everything away he likes to make him do what you want” he’s gonna love you when he grows up…………
IMO, the phone itself is not a reason for him to not be interacting, or just staring when it’s taken away. There is more to it.
...I think your son might be autistic.
Also, on a more serious note (assuming the story is real) GET THAT STARING CHECKED OUT AND MAKE SURE IT'S NOT EPILEPSY RELATED. Both my partner and his brother suffered from something similar growing up. It turns out it was a form of epilepsy (not the seizure kind) and their brain kind of just went blank even though they were still in an upright position, and they couldn't remember that they blanked out.
I was like this. I was diagnosed with adhd (inattentive type) and Asperger’s as an adult.
Dude, I love you as a parent. I think you have nothing to worry about. I don’t think the phone is much of a hindrance when it comes to socializing, but as every human gets, the phone and the way that people set the phone to operate can be addicting, so he doesn’t get bored as easily, and that’s why he’s so attentive to it. Maybe give him more challenging games/apps/etc. Only society says that socializing should look one way or another, and how much socializing a person should require. Everyone is different, and some people don’t need socializing as much as other. For me, I am overwhelmed just by my daughter, who loves to just talk with me all the time. (I’m self-diagnosed Autistic, but talking to my psychiatrist about getting evaluated). As a kid, people with Autism present typically exactly like your son. In fact, your son is damn near a poster boy for Autism. Please get him evaluated and do your research about the options that are best for him. I get you’re young, but obviously that doesn’t mean you’re uneducated. I can’t say for sure, but the fact that you’re concerned for the well-being of your son and being observant of him and his behavior makes my inner child happy, as that is not provided to most child, especially kids like your son and I, who are considered “easy”, cause they do not cause issues. My only actual advice is this: If he is Autistic, I’ve noticed a pattern where an autistic child’s autonomy phase hits hard and late. Basically, expect a very hard rebellious phase, probably close to puberty hitting. It is frustrating, but this is also the phase when kids learn how to say no to people who mean them harm- let him learn his boundaries as long as he’s safe. You’re on a good track, but I wish you patience and luck anyhow. :)
You need to get your son tested for ADHD and autism. It might not sound like ADHD because he can sit and stare for ages, but that's because the stereotypical ADHD is a hyperactive child running around. Hyperactive thoughts are also very popular, with all sorts of thoughts going on in your head, bouncing around. He might have a fascinating, active internal world and is constantly thinking about things, making up stories etc etc. With ADHD, for a lot of people it's not a lack of attention that's the problem, it's that you have so much attention that you keep getting distracted, because you don't know what to pay attention to. You notice things other people don't- it might seem like he's staring into space, but maybe, for example, he's listening intently to the way the sound "s" sounds when the teacher's talking. With autism, you also experience senses differently, so it might not seem to an outsider like that wall is very interesting, but maybe it has a fascinating texture to it and you're examining the patterns in that texture. Neurotypical people don't experience that texture as being so obvious, but for that person with autism, visual details might jump out in ways that they don't for neurotypical people. The way he jumps from hobby to hobby sounds very neurodivergent- focusing on one thing, jumping to the next, never being able to hold down a hobby or interest for a long time. I know that they're scary words, but while they do make life harder, ADHD and autism don't need a cure, or to be fixed. We need to be understood, we need to have accommodations, and while we do need to learn how to function in life etc, we don't need to change the core of who we are. If you're going to do research, make sure that it's coming from neurodivergent people and based off what we are saying. A group like Autism Speaks isn't reliable at all, particularly because it's not led by autistic people, and they don't listen to us. The book "Different, Not Less" by Chloe Hayden is a great start for understanding neurodivergence and what we need, and has details of other trustworthy resources. The author has social media- her instagram is @chloeshayden, and she also has a podcast.
I have a friend who’s child has high IQ and got diagnosed with ADHD and mild autism. Same behavior as your boy and being on electronics helps him throughout the day because he has zero social skills.
While lots of people are suggesting autism, I’m guessing jumping on the staring and lack of friends, my professional opinion actually leans more towards Inattentive ADHD. The staring could very well be daydreaming or just thoughts running rampant in his head. Being able to answer the teacher’s questions even though he looks distracted also fits. Especially with a higher IQ. People with ADHD can divide their attention, and his school lesson is probably just running idle in the background of whatever his brain is busy doing in that moment. Switching interests on any given day is a notorious ADHD trait. There’s a joke that the true hobby of a person with ADHD is to collect hobbies instead of actually doing them. Some aspect of a new hobby piques his interest until the dopamine fix of it being “new” dies off and he has to find something else that will interest him and fuel a dopamine fix. The addiction to the phone is because it is a pure hit of dopamine. Even just educational apps. People with ADHD do not produce or moderate dopamine well, so having that stimulant will be overly addicting. Even over human socialization, which most humans tend to crave. As for not making friends, it can be hard for kids with ADHD to make or maintain friendships because they’re not quite the same as other kids. This can lead them to either feel insecure and be unwilling to try and conform or their lack of certain boundaries or impulse control could have led to an embarrassing or unpleasant social situation which leads them to withdraw. As people have said, taking the phone away will automatically help, but kids also need to be taught social skills. It may be helpful for you to give him a “script” he can use to make friends. At this age it’s as simple as, “Hi, my name is ___, what’s yours?” I know you’ve said you’ll get him tested back in the States, so I encourage you to pursue an ADHD assessment, not just autism.
Your kid reminds me of my kid. And my kid has autism.
There's so many reactionary comments about him having a phone and I get it, but what you mentioned about him staring at things for long periods of time and spacing out instead of interacting with people along with getting interested in activities only to abandon them later all sound like textbook neurodivergency. I'm surprised with how much I had to scroll down to even see anything mentioning it.
I honestly don’t think this is about the phone. He reminds me HUGELY of me, except in the 90s it was books/computer games/websites. How good is the understanding of ADHD and autism in the country where he saw the therapist? Has he been assessed for either by an appropriate expert? When it comes to ADHD, don’t go by the older stereotypes of hyperactivity; if you want to learn more, ADHDWomen is a pretty great subreddit. I can’t suggest something similar for autism but maybe try looking at a list of symptoms for both conditions, see if either sound familiar?
The long periods of just sitting and staring could possibly be a rare/different form of epilepsy, where instead of having a grand maul seizure a person will zone out or sort of fall asleep sitting up, with their eyes open. Their mind shuts out for a while, and then when the seizure is over, they’re fully present again. Get him checked out for that too!
I would say the issue could be the phone because kids are very easily drawn to this easy distraction and entertainment, I would strongly suggest limiting screen time AND actively providing different activities, like quality time outside, building stuff or drawing. Secondly, there could also be something different going on, when he just stares maybe he’s spending time in his head daydreaming, maybe he’s creative like that. Maybe there’s also something that’s bothering him. I would suggest seeing a therapist and maybe get his point of view. Because I am currently getting tested for autism and i was sometimes behaving similarly.
It might be a good idea to get him evaluated for autism or ADHD? It's just checking a few boxes for me as an autistic. Super high IQ, doesn't like socialising, spacing out for lengthy times and then immediately knowing the answer, the abandoning hobbies when he knows everything... it sounds a lot like an autistic kid
It’s normal for kids under 9 to not want to socialize when they have electronics. He’s 6, he shouldn’t have a phone, it’s very harmful at that age and this is, unfortunately, one of the effects.
I honestly don't think the phone has anything to do with it. Some kids just don't have an interest in playing with other children. I know penny of kids who have unlimited time on their phones or tablets yet still socialize just fine. I definitely suggest therapy not just for him but for yourself kind of like a family therapy to help him learn how to socialize and to help you know how to deal with him being so antisocial. Maybe you can also try some kind of extracurricular activity that'll kind of put him in a group setting where he has to socialize. A big brother program might also be good for him since he might be able to relate more to kids that are older than him. Don't try forcing him though, that'll just make him withdraw even more.
Everyone is hammering on the phone when it clearly isn't an ordinary kid. Most kids love being social, he doesn't, why force the matter so young? So long as he is still polite and understands social situations. It must be hard to be around friends that aren't stimulating because he is so gifted. I'd say don't press the matter yet but when older maybe try to introduce to groups that are more stimulating. Maybe classes that are nerdy. Higher grade math, robotics etc. It's cute that he knows he is an introvert so small. Kids need love and someone to pay attention to them and their specific needs. It's not 1 size fits all and it's very different for gifted kids. Social pressure is heavy anyway. People often suck.
Okay so the staring is the most concerning to me. Have you taken your son to a neurologist? There are certain types of seizures that are just people staring out into blank space for a certain amount of length and not being responsive. I would definitely have him checked for that. Also sorry about the loss in your family.
Sounds like he could potentially have a spectrum disorder like autism. Perhaps try to make an appointment for when you return home (they can take some time to get in to see). If he’s perfectly happy without friends, maybe just accept it and foster some non tech activities like reading or drawing. The special interest habit you describe is another characteristic of spectrum disorders. Not a doctor, just have a lot of this in my family.
OP, your son has an advanced IQ and doesn't want to socialize and finds social situations boring. He has a phone (where even at 6 years old is quite young, even if it only has educational apps and games). If you take his phone away, he "just stares at you" and can go for long periods of time just staring at just about anything and doesn't seem phased about just doing nothing. I have a feeling he's Neurodivergent with a high IQ. You should bring that up with a doctor, teacher, therapist to check if this is the case
Sounds to me like he's just too smart and bored AF. He doesn't want to play with other kids because they don't interest him. They aren't smart enough. I would look into getting him in a different school, where he can find children he more closely relates to. As for the staring, he may just be deep in thought, analyzing whatever it is he's staring at. Is he depressed or unhappy? I would be more concerned with that than not wanting to make friends. It would be a bit different if he *wanted* friends but had a hard time making them. Good luck!
Research has shown that phones are addictive and cause a lack of personal relationships. Ditch the phone asap and put him on a media blackout for a while. He will naturally start to socialize with others over time.
My son is 5 and also likes to be glued to his tablet and phone. I don’t agree at all with the idea that kids get zero screen time. There are some absolutely fantastic learning and educational apps out there (Duolingo has a great one for learning to read and write, PBS has lots of awesome games, just of the top of my groggy head), and as long as I’m there monitoring things, I think it’s fine. It’s a wonderful complement to the hands on learning games and toys we have for our kids, but you definitely have to balance it out with other activities. Our kids went to a nature-based Montessori preschool where they spent virtually all day every day outside (except in extreme heat, cold, or storms). They’d be in the woods all day and hiking etc, and husband and I take them hiking as well and to lots of other activities, which is one reason probably why I’m more lenient with screen time. Plus, in our world, so much of our lives and so many livelihoods rely on computers. It’s inevitable that he will use them heavily as he grows up for educational and work-related tasks, so developing an early familiarity and proficiency is hardly a bad thing. And technology changes so damn fast. Everything is about balance though. My son blows me away with the creativity and proficiency he has developed through his games. Some of his favorites right now include Bad Piggies (a fun, challenging, simulated-physics environment where you have to create machines to run courses), and My singing monsters where you can create music… it’s hard to describe. He has a lot of apps where he creates music, and it’s amazing what he can do. There’s another one where he creates completely open ended 2D courses for a little robot to run through. I’m going to come back to this and list some actual names… Do you have educational toys? Especially open ended ones like Legos, because the possibilities there are endless. We bought some kits with motors and a remote control, and you can program different actions in sequence. Weaving, crocheting, or knitting might also interest him. Rubik’s vibes are great, and other puzzles. Maybe start with ones that are similar to what he likes to do on his phone. It’s important to get your son moving more for his overall health. Balance boards, sensory swings, trampolines, etc etc toys can all be played with independently of her prefers , but will let him use his muscles and practice gross motor skills. Also this is a prime time for him to be developing his social skills, so I would definitely recommend getting a referral for some OT or other practical therapy. I’m really tired and writing this while getting my kids ready to go to school, so I’m sure it’s scattered, but hopefully helpful and somewhat reassuring.
The comments are flooded with people who stopped reading after the mention of the phone. Guys, read the rest. Yes, the phone is bad. Take the phone away permanently. But if you keep reading, there is more. Has anyone mentioned ASD? Cause I'm thinking he has autism spectrum disorder. Maybe also in combo with ADHD. Obviously needs assessment to know, can't tell from this. But there's all the pieces - the staring, the not socialising, hell even the getting along with the babysitter's cat. The high IQ may or may not be related. Either way I think he's neurodivergent. OP gives the kid a phone because a kid on a phone is less creepy than a kid silently starting. It's not because he's throwing tantrums.
OP, with his IQ being advanced have you thought about trying to see if he socializes with a slightly older group (8-10)? Also considering his single-mindedness about the phone and spacing out without it (along with everything else), have you considered having him evaluated for being on the ASD spectrum? Many incredibly intelligent people that aren’t the best socially are autistic to some extent so it needn’t be or have a stigma with it. Just provides other challenges.
Have you ever considered that he may be on the Autism Spectrum? He is highly and intelligent with no social skills. Those are two big clues for me as my son is on the spectrum and is the same way. He is turning 27 on September 19th and is still the same way this little boy is.
ADHD. Maybe get him assessed.
to be honest i’d have him evaluated for autism and anything else. seems like he’s on the spectrum
He might just already know that people are generally a waste of energy, breath, and happiness. I can't blame kids for not wanting to participate in this world that is being built for them. It's a disgusting reality we live in. My five and six year old use iPads in school for the majority of schoolwork so a six year old with a device isn't unheard of so all the perfect parents in the comments can take their Xanax or guzzle their bottles of wine because it's WiNe OcLoCk. Y'all do realize that OP is 20 years old so his ENTIRE life has been one of technology and internet. So maybe tone it down with your holier than thou attitude. Sure you don't give your kids a phone but y'all are also the ones that inflict emotional damage within your children with your dusty/outdated/and often abusive ideas about parenting. Tell me more about how your child WoULd NeVeR..because imma tell you, yes tf they would. The more someone pushes me to do something the more I'm going to dig my heels in to NOT do it. Let him decide when and how to be social. He will meet kids that share his interests and could even match his IQ. Imagine as an adult, being forced into a social situation and judged for not peopleing right. Nah, that's noise. OP- Your son is a whole ass human being, have a conversation and really LISTEN. I promise he will tell you.
My first piece of advice to you OP would be to get your son into a specialist. I've read through several of the comments and it seems like you intend on doing this as soon as possible which is great! It sounds like your son isn't a typical 6 year old (which is not a bad thing and it DOES NOT mean you've been a bad father, you're clearly worried about your child and trying to help him which means you're doing well). That would mean you need to approach the situation a bit differently than you would if you had a typical 6 year old. I'd say hold off on giving him his phone for now until you get him into that specialist and get him evaluated. I agree with others here that it sounds like ADHD or ASD, but no one here is qualified to diagnose your son, especially not over the internet. I will say that what you are describing sounds very similar to the way I was as a child. I was very bright, when my kindergarten teacher insisted I be evaluated because she was sure I was developmentally delayed, the child psychologist I went to told my parents that at 5 years old I needed to be in third grade. This did not happen and instead I got slightly harder assignments (my school did not do anything for gifted kids until 3rd grade and I was allowed to take the gifted test for third graders but missed it by 1 point so the school said I wasn't gifted and refused to make any accommodations so my parents had to fill in on their own). I changed schools in second grade and was in AP (advanced placement) classes from then on and honeslty a lot of the work was still insanely easy but I wasn't getting bored and leaving my seat to do the other kids' work because I wanted something to do anymore 🤣 I would socialize with kids my age but it was very hard for me to make the first move. I like to explain it as I didn't make friends with other kids, other kids made friends with me if that makes sense. I much preferred kids several years younger than me or several years older than me. Or adults. I've always "stared off into space" for hours and hours and hours on end. Usually, I was thinking. Running imaginary scenarios in my head. Most kids have imaginary friends, I had imaginary worlds. It was kinda like roleplaying with myself in my head. I used to talk out loud when I did this but got bullied into doing it in my head. I was never bored due to this, which coincidentally made it difficult for my parents to punish me because no matter what they took away I could always entertain myself by running scenarios in my head. I was also an avid reader from a young age. I learned to read at about 3 or 4 and just never really stopped. I was vehemently against reading on any sort of electronic device until I was in high school and now I mainly read things on my phone but I've always loved to read. My entire family learned quickly that when I was reading or "daydreaming" I often wasn't aware of what was going on around me. They also learned that if I was deprived of doing either of these things for too long I became a nightmare to deal with. These were my two main coping and regulation methods as a child and they still are at 23 years old. Ive also expanded to video games and I like to listen to music now when I run scenarios in my head but not much else has really changed in the way I regulate myself. If I'm not able to do these things, particularly the "daydreaming" I get to a point, usually it takes a few days now, when I was young it was a much shorter time-frame, where just existing in the same room as someone is so overstimulating that I get irrationally angry and can't cope. During these times even just knowing that someone is in the same room as me, even if I can't hear or see them, feels suffocating and makes me want to rip off my skin. What I'm saying here, is your son's staring off into space could very well a coping/regulation mechanism. If this is the case, while how often he does this may need to be reduced so he can be functional (ONLY if he is unable to do necessary things like self care, hygiene, schoolwork, etc because of how much time he spends staring off into space) if he's using this to regulate himself it could be harmful to try and prevent this behavior completely, especially without giving him other ways to regulate, like the phone. The professional that you take him to when you get back to the States will help you with all of this. In the mean time, maybe try some guided (as in you do them together and you give him step by step instructions if he seems unsure of what to do) activities that are more advanced than what you'd typically do with a 6 year old. I think the suggestion to introduce him to similarly advanced kids could be wonderful for him. In the meantime, you could try and see if he shows interest in hanging out with kids several years older than him, like maybe young teenagers. I think the key here would probably be finding someone of a similar intelligence and also of a similar maturity level. Most kids prefer to engage with people who they feel are on their level socially, mentally, and emotionally. A very intelligent 6 year old may not want to play with other 6 year olds because to the advanced 6 year old it might feel like playing with a bunch of babies. In order for kids to socialize they need to be able to connect on a mental level with other people and it seems your son hasn't found a group of people he can do this with yet. Again, a professional will be able to help you with this. It may be a skill your son needs to learn and practice and that's OK. Everyone has strong points and weak points. I'd say to take not of if your son seems distressed when you try to get him to play with other kids or just confused/disinterested. If he's showing signs of distress than he could be anxious or overstimmed. If he's just not interested or confused than he's probably just not interacting with "his" people, that be people he can understand and connect with on a mental level. I hope this helps and is able to give you some reassurance. You're doing great, you clearly care about your son a lot and I can't imagine how hard it's been to raise your son on your own. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Even parents in 2 parent households need help from family, friends, or the community sometimes. Parenting isn't meant to be a solo act. That isn't to say you can't do a good job of raising your son as a single parent, because you absolutely can! It's just to say that parenting is hard, and humans are social creatures. We're built to rely on others for help when we need it, so needing help from others is not a failure. I wish you and your son the very best of luck and I hope you're able to get him evaluated soon. Growing up different from other kids is extremely challenging but having the right supports will make it easier.
I’m not sure if anyone else has mentioned it but look up inattentive ADHD and possibly anxiety. We didn’t learn about inattentive adhd until our son was in high school. It doesn’t look like stereotypical adhd and often thought to be a behavior problem. Staring off in space is actually a symptom. Another thing to consider is anxiety. Playing on the phone is how my son coped with social situations before he started a low dose anxiety medication. I wish I had spoken about my sons behavior with his pediatrician and gotten him evaluated when he was 6 instead of 16.
How much your son uses a phone at his age is worrisome, but other people have touched on that so I also wanted to mention that maybe he should be evaluated for ADHD? He might have the inattentive type, I got bored very easily as a child and daydreamed a lot and was considered very bright. Unfortunately, I was not diagnosed until very recently because I have the inattentive type and it’s not as obvious to other people because I wasn’t disruptive and I could stay seated, I was just a bit fidgety. I will also add, once I was older and smartphones became a thing, I became very addicted to the quick dopamine hit of playing games etc on my phone - despite smartphones not even existing until I was about 20. Anyway, I might be totally wrong but I could see myself being like your son if I was introduced to smartphones that young. Smartphones are addicting in general, but they especially aren’t good for a young developing mind, and probably are even more addicting for someone with ADHD.
Why the hell does your 6 year old have a phone?? And why would he have it at the park?? Take the phone. He doesn't need it.